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MAN: The Dick Van Dyke Show starring Dick Van Dyke,
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Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.
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[music playing]
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Boy, Buddy was sure in good form tonight, wasn't he?
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It's a little nippy out tonight.
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Nippy in tonight.
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All right, what did I do?
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What did I do?
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What you always do.
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Oh no.
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Don't tell me I'm going to have one of those arguments
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where I have to guess what it is.
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Oh, come on.
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That's not fair.
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At least give me a hint.
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Was it something I did?
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Said?
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Didn't do? Didn't say?
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Shouldn't have said? Should have said?
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What?
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I don't mind playing games.
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I don't mind.
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But if I guess what it is that's bothering you,
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will you tell me?
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All right.
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Was it something I did before we left the house tonight?
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Well, that's not fair.
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You've got to help me a little bit.
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Even John Daly gives yes or no answers.
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After.
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Oh thank you, John.
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After, all right.
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Now we're getting somewhere.
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Let's see, Could have been at dinner.
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Did I go wrong at dinner?
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No, no.
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You called me handsome at dinner,
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that means there was some degree of affection for me
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at that time.
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The play.
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The play, it could have been the play.
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I picked it and you hated it.
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No, no, that's not right.
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You enjoyed the play.
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You cried through the whole third act.
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The restaurant?
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That's it.
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I did something dastardly in the restaurant.
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Is that it?
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You're not being at all amusing, darling.
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Hey, you called me darling.
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That means it's not too terrible.
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I think it's pretty terrible not to be able to send
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our son to college.
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Oh honey, I give up.
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What could I possibly have done in the restaurant
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that our son couldn't go to college.
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You know what you did.
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You were there.
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You know exactly what it is.
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You just think about it for a minute.
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[music playing]
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You're not going to give me a hint.
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Was it in the restaurant that I did this terrible thing
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is going to keep our seven-year-old son out
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of college?
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What did I do?
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Darling, see if you can't get a nice cozy romantic corner
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Right.
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Yes, sir?
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My wife and I would like a nice cozy romantic corner.
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I don't blame you.
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Follow me.
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Ah, here's a nice cozy table for two.
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Hey, how about a nice noisy table for six?
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Oh, Laura look who's here.
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Rob, Laura.
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Come on over.
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No laughs at that table.
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Join the party.
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Yeah, come on over, we need some new blood.
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Buddy is down to reciting very adult limericks.
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Yeah, there was a young lady from--
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Oh, shut up.
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See what I mean? Come on over.
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Come on.
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Hey honey, shall we?
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Darling, I--
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They need us over there.
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Well, all right.
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I ruined your romantic evening by agreeing
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to sit with my friends, right?
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It can't be it.
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Wouldn't keep our son out of college.
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It's got to be something else.
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I told you there was room for everybody.
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I thought we were going to be stuck with each other
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this evening.
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How are you, Pickles?
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Well, I had this pain over my left eye.
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So I went to the doctor--
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Well, believe me it's nothing.
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She had a little headache.
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What do you mean I had a little headache?
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I had to take a whole aspirin.
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And a half a glass of water.
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Oh, this kid's had a rough day.
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Yeah.
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And it dissolved before I could swallow it.
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Laura, I don't think you'vea ever met Herman Glimscher.
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No but I've heard you speak of him.
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Well, forget what I told you.
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This is what he really looks like.
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Herman, this is Laura Petrie.
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Very nice to meet you.
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Likewise.
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Laura's a very happily married woman.
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When are you going to make me one of those?
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Any time you say, Sally.
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Well, how about Thursday?
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I'm a little busy Friday, we're having fish.
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Enough of this stuff.
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How about a little dessert, maybe coffee?
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- Good. - Sally?
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I'll have some cafe au lait.
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Cafe au lait. Anatole?
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How about you, Laura?
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- Cafe au lait sound fine. - Good.
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Pickles?
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I'll have some cafe au lait.
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Only, make mine black.
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Pickles, cafe au lait is coffee with milk.
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In French, lait means milk.
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So?
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So you wanted cafe au lait black.
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That's coffee with milk only without the milk.
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Well, I like to try different things.
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I don't think there's anything wrong in that.
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Sometimes I look at her and wonder and other times
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I just look.
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I'll just have some iced coffee.
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How about you, Herman?
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Oh, I'll have a glass of warm skim milk,
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body temperature please.
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Cold milk makes him car sick.
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Yeah, that's right.
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Ever since I was a kid, you know.
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Would that be all, sir?
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Well, I guess so unless--
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Rob?
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You Laura how about something to eat?
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- No nothing for me. - Not for me either.
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We have a bit of a drive back.
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BUDDY: Well, I sure pity you suburbanites.
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Me and Pickles if we want to see a show we hop into a cab
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and like that, 10 minutes we're there, right?
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Yeah. Except we never go.
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He sits home and watches TV every night.
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I say what is the point of living in an exciting city
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if you're going to sit home and watch TV every night.
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I mean you might as well move to the suburbs
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with the rest of the squares and the hermit.
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Oh, no offense.
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You're mad because I didn't defend your suburbs, huh?
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Well, it can't be it.
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Even if you're against the suburbs,
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they let your kids in college.
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No, it's back to thinking.
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Well, I love the suburbs.
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If I ever get married and settle down--
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Which at this moment is a 20 to 1 shot.
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I'd like to live in a little farmhouse.
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Overlooking a field of warm skim milk.
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Body temperature.
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Oh, not me.
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Give me New York any day.
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Yeah, me too.
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What have you got in the suburbs?
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Oh Buddy, there are lots of things.
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Oh, sure.
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Big mortgage in a wet basement.
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A tired wife that keeps yelling, "take out the garbage."
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You're mad because I made a joke about you and your garbage.
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Is that it?
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It's not it.
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You didn't like the joke I told about your uncle.
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Wait a minute.
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And what a wedding they had.
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Somebody kept slipping something into the punch, you see.
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And her uncle kept walking around saying, "my,
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what a delicious fruit juice."
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Well, the poor guy gets so drunk, he fell sound asleep,
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crawled up on the pool table and just passed out.
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Pool table?
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Don't tell me he was bald and somebody banged
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his head in the sidewalk.
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No but when he was sound asleep,
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several of the relatives picked him up off the pool table,
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put him on the floor.
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Then everybody yelled fire.
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You should have seen that guy crawling on the floor looking
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for the edge of the table.
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What a funny situation it was.
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Oh my goodness, darling, look at the time.
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We have to go.
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Oh, it's my fault Laura.
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I forced Rob to those last two stories.
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Well, we better get the check, huh?
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Anatole, check please.
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Buddy, would you get me some cigarettes, I'm all out.
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Why not, sweetie.
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You're my friend.
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Hey, anybody else want anything?
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Peanuts, popcorn, chewing gum, anything?
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No, thank you.
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OK.
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Oh, I'll get that.
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OK, Anatole.
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There you are. And keep the change.
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Oh, thank you, sir.
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Rob, how much was the broiled trout dinner,
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the sliced chicken, the whole tomato with cottage cheese,
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warm skim milk and the cafe au lait?
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Don't forget the tax.
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Oh the tax, yes. For two.
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Forget it.
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It was all taken care of.
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Oh, wonderful.
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OK, kitten here's your cigarettes.
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Now, where's my check?
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Oh, it's all taken care of, Buddy.
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Oh come on, Rob, this is my party.
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Well, I enjoyed myself as much as anybody else did.
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Oh, that's not right.
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After all we ate and all you and Laura had was coffee and cake.
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We had dinner.
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All we had was coffee but then who's counting?
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Buy me a sports car sometime.
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All right.
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I'd fight you for it if I didn't think I'd win.
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Rob, seriously, tomorrow night is on Buddy and me.
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- That's right. - What's tomorrow night?
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Don't you remember?
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Tomorrow night we're all supposed to go to the preview
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of that new Swedish picture. You're coming, aren't you?
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- Oh, I wouldn't miss it. - Good.
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- Well, good night. - Good night.
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Nice and easy going home now.
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OK.
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Don't forget, Rob.
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Tomorrow night the treat's on us.
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That's if you can out-throw me, partner.
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You're mad because I picked up the check, is that it?
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I don't care to discuss it.
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That's it.
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Honey you got to discuss it.
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You got to tell me why picking up a little check
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is going to keep our son out of college.
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If you picked up enough checks you could manage it.
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Oh, Laura, you know you're being a little ridiculous.
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Am I?
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Yes you are.
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And you didn't feel ridiculous picking up that check?
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No, why should I?
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Because Buddy was the host.
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He invited us to sit with them.
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Well, we had a cup of coffee.
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Rob, they had dinner.
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Buddy expected to and wanted to pay the check.
271
00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:37,645
Well, Laura it wasn't that big a check anyway.
272
00:10:37,745 --> 00:10:40,348
I don't care if it was $0.02 Rob.
273
00:10:40,448 --> 00:10:42,750
There's a principle involved here.
274
00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:45,119
Do you know why you did what you did?
275
00:10:45,219 --> 00:10:46,621
No, why?
276
00:10:46,721 --> 00:10:47,922
Never mind.
277
00:10:50,791 --> 00:10:52,093
You know why.
278
00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:53,127
No.
279
00:10:53,227 --> 00:10:54,595
I don't know why.
280
00:10:54,695 --> 00:10:56,664
But I would like to know what is wrong with picking up
281
00:10:56,764 --> 00:10:57,899
a little check.
282
00:10:57,999 --> 00:11:04,005
Well-- well, people who grab for checks are trying
283
00:11:04,105 --> 00:11:05,139
to buy love and acceptance.
284
00:11:05,239 --> 00:11:06,340
And I just don't think you have to.
285
00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:07,575
There, I've said it.
286
00:11:11,746 --> 00:11:13,581
Yeah, you said it.
287
00:11:13,681 --> 00:11:15,483
Now tell me where did you read it?
288
00:11:18,753 --> 00:11:21,556
One of those magazines you subscribe to.
289
00:11:21,656 --> 00:11:22,657
Oh boy.
290
00:11:22,757 --> 00:11:24,392
Here we go with the magazine articles again.
291
00:11:24,492 --> 00:11:28,062
Well, you subscribe to them, not I.
292
00:11:28,162 --> 00:11:30,998
You mean to tell me I should never ever pick up a check.
293
00:11:31,098 --> 00:11:32,833
I didn't say that.
294
00:11:32,934 --> 00:11:35,236
If the occasion calls for it, of course you should.
295
00:11:35,336 --> 00:11:37,338
I simply don't think that it's right for you
296
00:11:37,438 --> 00:11:39,006
to pick up every check that comes along.
297
00:11:39,106 --> 00:11:40,007
It's unbecoming and--
298
00:11:40,107 --> 00:11:41,642
I know.
299
00:11:41,742 --> 00:11:43,277
It'll keep our son out of Harvard.
300
00:11:43,377 --> 00:11:44,579
All right.
301
00:11:44,679 --> 00:11:48,149
You can joke about it all you want.
302
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:49,383
All right.
303
00:11:49,483 --> 00:11:50,551
All right, I'll tell you what I'll do.
304
00:11:50,651 --> 00:11:52,186
When I get home I'll take a $10 bill.
305
00:11:52,286 --> 00:11:55,022
I'll put it in Richie's piggy bank for his college tuition.
306
00:11:55,122 --> 00:11:55,990
Now will you love me again?
307
00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:56,924
Aha.
308
00:11:57,024 --> 00:11:59,493
Aha what?
309
00:11:59,594 --> 00:12:01,162
You see what you just did?
310
00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:03,097
I almost wrecked the car.
311
00:12:03,197 --> 00:12:07,234
You said then would you love me again.
312
00:12:07,335 --> 00:12:09,470
Oh, come on.
313
00:12:12,807 --> 00:12:14,275
Are you trying to say that I offered
314
00:12:14,375 --> 00:12:16,043
to put the money in Richie's piggy bank
315
00:12:16,143 --> 00:12:16,978
so I could buy your love?
316
00:12:17,078 --> 00:12:18,346
You said it, darling.
317
00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:24,318
Not I. Oh, if only you can see how unbecoming.
318
00:12:24,418 --> 00:12:25,686
Unbecoming?
319
00:12:25,786 --> 00:12:27,421
You think it's unbecoming to like my friends.
320
00:12:27,521 --> 00:12:28,889
To want to be generous with them.
321
00:12:28,990 --> 00:12:31,058
Listen Laura, a few things that you don't understand.
322
00:12:31,158 --> 00:12:33,861
In case you haven't noticed, men and women are different.
323
00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:35,296
Oh, are they?
324
00:12:35,396 --> 00:12:36,864
Yes, they are.
325
00:12:36,964 --> 00:12:38,199
Women.
326
00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:39,600
You know something?
327
00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:41,669
When women go to lunch, nobody picks up the check.
328
00:12:45,106 --> 00:12:46,273
"I had the tomato aspic.
329
00:12:46,374 --> 00:12:47,742
You had the watercress salad.
330
00:12:47,842 --> 00:12:50,578
And Millie you had you had the cucumber a la carte."
331
00:12:50,678 --> 00:12:52,613
Rob, I am merely trying to--
332
00:12:52,713 --> 00:12:54,815
You are merely trying to make a woman out of me.
333
00:12:54,915 --> 00:12:57,852
And I'm not going to let you get away with it.
334
00:12:57,952 --> 00:12:59,453
You don't know how embarrassed I get when
335
00:12:59,553 --> 00:13:01,055
I got to go next door to Millie's
336
00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:04,058
and give her $0.32 for a head of cabbage she bought for you.
337
00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:05,760
Men don't do things like that.
338
00:13:05,860 --> 00:13:06,727
Oh boy.
339
00:13:06,827 --> 00:13:08,562
Rob am I sorry I ever brought it up.
340
00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:10,965
I didn't realize how touchy you would be about discussing
341
00:13:11,065 --> 00:13:11,932
a little thought.
342
00:13:12,033 --> 00:13:13,200
Well, don't worry darling.
343
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:14,802
I'm not going to bring it up again, ever.
344
00:13:14,902 --> 00:13:16,370
Good.
345
00:13:16,470 --> 00:13:17,672
Oh, we're home.
346
00:13:24,378 --> 00:13:28,282
Oh, honey the mortgage payment is due tomorrow.
347
00:13:28,382 --> 00:13:29,950
Is it all right if I pay it?
348
00:13:30,051 --> 00:13:31,285
Why do you ask?
349
00:13:31,385 --> 00:13:33,154
Oh well, I didn't want you to think I wanted
350
00:13:33,254 --> 00:13:34,722
the bank to fall in love me.
351
00:13:37,625 --> 00:13:40,327
I think she's angry.
352
00:13:40,428 --> 00:13:41,262
Oh no.
353
00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:43,130
She's definitely angry.
354
00:13:47,435 --> 00:13:49,570
Well, Rob if I knew you were going to cook I
355
00:13:49,670 --> 00:13:51,205
wouldn't have had breakfast at home.
356
00:13:51,305 --> 00:13:52,173
Where's Laura?
357
00:13:52,273 --> 00:13:55,009
Ah, she's got a headache.
358
00:13:55,109 --> 00:13:55,976
Oh.
359
00:13:56,077 --> 00:13:57,311
Want any toast with this?
360
00:13:57,411 --> 00:13:58,446
No, just coffee.
361
00:13:58,546 --> 00:13:59,447
Just coffee?
362
00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:00,848
Yeah, coffee will be fine.
363
00:14:00,948 --> 00:14:02,383
Unless you have some scrambled eggs lying around.
364
00:14:02,483 --> 00:14:03,884
You really want some scrambled eggs?
365
00:14:03,984 --> 00:14:04,985
No don't bother.
366
00:14:05,086 --> 00:14:07,054
Poached will be fine.
367
00:14:07,154 --> 00:14:09,557
How would you like some French toast with that?
368
00:14:09,657 --> 00:14:10,558
Only if you joined.
369
00:14:10,658 --> 00:14:11,692
I'm not going to join.
370
00:14:11,792 --> 00:14:13,494
I'll just have three poached eggs
371
00:14:13,594 --> 00:14:15,029
or maybe some bacon too, huh?
372
00:14:15,129 --> 00:14:15,930
Very crisp.
373
00:14:16,030 --> 00:14:17,665
I don't like the fat.
374
00:14:17,765 --> 00:14:20,301
Hey, Rob, does Laura really have a headache
375
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:21,802
or is she mad at you?
376
00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:22,636
Both.
377
00:14:22,737 --> 00:14:23,571
And how did you know?
378
00:14:23,671 --> 00:14:24,772
Just wishful thinking.
379
00:14:24,872 --> 00:14:26,240
What do you mean wishful thinking?
380
00:14:26,340 --> 00:14:27,341
You want to Laura to be mad at me?
381
00:14:27,441 --> 00:14:28,943
Sure.
382
00:14:29,043 --> 00:14:30,344
Millie's mad at me and I hate to think I've got the only rotten
383
00:14:30,444 --> 00:14:32,513
marriage in the neighbourhood.
384
00:14:32,613 --> 00:14:33,814
Hey, come on Rob tell me.
385
00:14:33,914 --> 00:14:35,449
What's Laura angry with you about?
386
00:14:35,549 --> 00:14:37,218
It's too silly to even talk about.
387
00:14:37,318 --> 00:14:38,185
You say poached or scrambled?
388
00:14:38,285 --> 00:14:39,453
Poached, poached.
389
00:14:39,553 --> 00:14:40,855
Listen, what's she angry with you about?
390
00:14:40,955 --> 00:14:43,724
Oh, you won't believe me when I tell you, Jerry.
391
00:14:43,824 --> 00:14:46,627
You know why my wife is in there giving me the silent treatment?
392
00:14:46,727 --> 00:14:47,595
Why?
393
00:14:47,695 --> 00:14:49,096
I picked up a check in a restaurant.
394
00:14:49,196 --> 00:14:51,332
You picked up a check and she's mad at you?
395
00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:52,767
Yeah, I picked up a check.
396
00:14:52,867 --> 00:14:55,336
Bought dinner for Buddy and some of his gang and she
397
00:14:55,436 --> 00:14:56,270
got all upset about it.
398
00:14:56,370 --> 00:14:57,805
What's wrong with that?
399
00:14:57,905 --> 00:15:01,375
Well, they had dinner and all we had was a cup of coffee
400
00:15:01,475 --> 00:15:02,276
and I grabbed the check.
401
00:15:02,376 --> 00:15:03,444
So?
402
00:15:03,544 --> 00:15:06,046
Well, my wife says that I did it--
403
00:15:08,949 --> 00:15:11,452
I did it because I want to make people like me.
404
00:15:11,552 --> 00:15:13,654
I want to make them like me by buying their love.
405
00:15:13,754 --> 00:15:14,789
You know, to be popular.
406
00:15:14,889 --> 00:15:15,956
Yeah.
407
00:15:16,056 --> 00:15:17,425
They really come up with some wild ones, huh?
408
00:15:17,525 --> 00:15:18,859
Yeah, they sure do, Rob.
409
00:15:18,959 --> 00:15:20,628
But look, if it'll keep peace in the family,
410
00:15:20,728 --> 00:15:23,330
you better keep your hands in your pocket from now on.
411
00:15:23,430 --> 00:15:25,399
I don't intend to do any such thing.
412
00:15:25,499 --> 00:15:27,401
Well, now look, if it's bothering her,
413
00:15:27,501 --> 00:15:28,702
I think you better.
414
00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:30,871
I don't care if it does bother her by gosh.
415
00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:32,473
I'm going to go right ahead picking up checks.
416
00:15:32,573 --> 00:15:34,542
I don't want to be unpopular.
417
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:36,544
I think it's great that I like to treat my friends.
418
00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:38,179
That's a wonderful trait to have.
419
00:15:38,279 --> 00:15:39,680
Yeah.
420
00:15:39,780 --> 00:15:41,382
I love to see that trait in people, even if your wife
421
00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:42,283
thinks it's a fault.
422
00:15:42,383 --> 00:15:43,984
That's right.
423
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:48,656
You know what I can't understand?
424
00:15:48,756 --> 00:15:50,291
Of all the rotten faults I have, why
425
00:15:50,391 --> 00:15:51,625
did she have to pick that one?
426
00:15:51,725 --> 00:15:52,827
It's not even the kind of fault you're
427
00:15:52,927 --> 00:15:55,696
supposed to find fault with.
428
00:15:55,796 --> 00:15:57,698
Oh, I'm open hearted, I'm generous
429
00:15:57,798 --> 00:15:59,733
and if I want to pick up a check for my friends,
430
00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:01,268
it doesn't give her any excuse to lay
431
00:16:01,368 --> 00:16:03,237
in there with a headache, make me fix my own breakfast.
432
00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:04,238
You're right, Rob.
433
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:05,372
You're generous.
434
00:16:05,472 --> 00:16:06,941
You like to do things for people.
435
00:16:07,041 --> 00:16:08,475
I'll bet that was one of the faults she loved about you most
436
00:16:08,576 --> 00:16:09,410
when she first met you.
437
00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:10,611
Right.
438
00:16:10,711 --> 00:16:12,146
Well, you give a woman her own way
439
00:16:12,246 --> 00:16:14,648
and she'll start chipping away at your faults one by one.
440
00:16:14,748 --> 00:16:16,116
The first thing you know you're perfect.
441
00:16:16,217 --> 00:16:18,419
And everybody hates you.
442
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:21,455
I mean, who in the world likes a perfect person?
443
00:16:21,555 --> 00:16:23,557
Nobody, just nobody.
444
00:16:23,657 --> 00:16:25,726
Listen Rob, if you like to pick up checks,
445
00:16:25,826 --> 00:16:27,394
you just pick them up.
446
00:16:27,494 --> 00:16:28,462
Right.
447
00:16:28,562 --> 00:16:29,663
Enough with this philosophy.
448
00:16:29,763 --> 00:16:31,165
What about my eggs, huh?
449
00:16:36,804 --> 00:16:39,106
Rob, what did you do?
450
00:16:39,206 --> 00:16:40,708
You said poached.
451
00:16:40,808 --> 00:16:43,043
I shouldn't have beat those.
452
00:16:47,581 --> 00:16:49,884
Hey, how about poached scrambled?
453
00:16:49,984 --> 00:16:51,218
Hi, daddy.
454
00:16:51,318 --> 00:16:52,519
Oh, hi Rich.
455
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:54,421
Mommy said you'll cook my breakfast.
456
00:16:54,521 --> 00:16:56,557
Don't count on it, kid.
457
00:16:56,657 --> 00:16:58,559
What's that, noodles?
458
00:16:58,659 --> 00:16:59,793
Sit down, Rich.
459
00:16:59,894 --> 00:17:01,362
Hey listen, Rob. I got to go.
460
00:17:01,462 --> 00:17:02,563
I just lost my appetite.
461
00:17:02,663 --> 00:17:04,365
Hey, wait a minute Jerry.
462
00:17:04,465 --> 00:17:05,666
I want to fix another egg for you.
463
00:17:05,766 --> 00:17:07,701
Oh well, I'll have Millie fix them, thanks.
464
00:17:07,801 --> 00:17:10,137
Hey Jerry, look you think I'm right about grabbing checks,
465
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:11,071
don't you?
466
00:17:11,171 --> 00:17:12,039
Sure, you're right Rob.
467
00:17:12,139 --> 00:17:13,908
Now listen, you stand firm and grab.
468
00:17:14,008 --> 00:17:16,543
Hey, that's my motto from now on.
469
00:17:16,644 --> 00:17:17,778
Stand firm and grab.
470
00:17:17,878 --> 00:17:19,046
Listen, I got to get out of here.
471
00:17:19,146 --> 00:17:20,180
Millie will kill me. I'll see you later.
472
00:17:20,281 --> 00:17:21,348
OK Jerry.
473
00:17:21,448 --> 00:17:22,516
Bye.
474
00:17:22,616 --> 00:17:23,417
Daddy?
475
00:17:23,517 --> 00:17:24,552
Yeah, Rich?
476
00:17:24,652 --> 00:17:25,819
Can I have my breakfast?
477
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,254
You sure can. What do you want?
478
00:17:27,354 --> 00:17:28,155
How about an egg?
479
00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:29,556
A banana.
480
00:17:29,657 --> 00:17:33,093
A banana?
481
00:17:33,193 --> 00:17:34,295
OK, but why a banana?
482
00:17:34,395 --> 00:17:37,598
That's the only thing you cook as good as mommy.
483
00:17:37,698 --> 00:17:41,535
You're right there.
484
00:17:41,635 --> 00:17:43,737
I should stand firm and grab.
485
00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:55,482
So this little old man says, "the nicest
486
00:17:55,582 --> 00:17:56,784
present you can bring to a little
487
00:17:56,884 --> 00:17:59,286
old man is a little old lady."
488
00:17:59,386 --> 00:18:03,257
hey, if you laugh I could go on this all night.
489
00:18:03,357 --> 00:18:04,191
You already have.
490
00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:05,559
It's 12 o'clock.
491
00:18:05,659 --> 00:18:07,561
Boy, when I'm entertaining, how flying times.
492
00:18:07,661 --> 00:18:08,829
- For you. - All right.
493
00:18:08,929 --> 00:18:10,531
We got the check. Irving.
494
00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:11,465
Anatole?
495
00:18:11,565 --> 00:18:12,933
Do we have to go now?
496
00:18:13,033 --> 00:18:14,134
This is fun.
497
00:18:14,234 --> 00:18:15,336
Yes we do.
498
00:18:15,436 --> 00:18:17,638
I promised your mother I'd have you home by 12:30.
499
00:18:17,738 --> 00:18:19,540
She's kidding.
500
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:24,244
My mother wouldn't say a word even if we were home by 1:00.
501
00:18:24,345 --> 00:18:25,679
Oh, all right.
502
00:18:25,779 --> 00:18:27,481
- Here, I'll take that, Buddy. - Wait minute, Rob.
503
00:18:27,581 --> 00:18:28,515
That's mine tonight.
504
00:18:28,616 --> 00:18:29,817
Oh no, Buddy, it's my treat.
505
00:18:29,917 --> 00:18:31,685
Gentlemen, may I please have the check here.
506
00:18:31,785 --> 00:18:33,020
Rob, you took the check yesterday.
507
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,221
I know, I know.
508
00:18:34,321 --> 00:18:35,990
I know but you said you'd let me have it today.
509
00:18:36,090 --> 00:18:37,191
Did I, Laura?
510
00:18:37,291 --> 00:18:38,092
I don't know.
511
00:18:38,192 --> 00:18:39,193
Well, I do, Buddy.
512
00:18:39,293 --> 00:18:40,160
And I agreed to split it.
513
00:18:40,260 --> 00:18:41,662
That's right. Warm milk is right.
514
00:18:41,762 --> 00:18:42,863
It's our check.
515
00:18:42,963 --> 00:18:44,732
Well, somebody please pay the check.
516
00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:46,266
I got to get Herman home before his mother
517
00:18:46,367 --> 00:18:48,302
starts dragging the river.
518
00:18:48,402 --> 00:18:49,703
This is absolutely correct.
519
00:18:49,803 --> 00:18:51,038
I wanted to make sure you didn't charge us
520
00:18:51,138 --> 00:18:52,606
for that extra dessert we didn't get.
521
00:18:52,706 --> 00:18:54,074
You mean you're not going to fight me for it?
522
00:18:54,174 --> 00:18:55,009
That's right.
523
00:18:55,109 --> 00:18:57,111
BUDDY: Why do you give up so easy?
524
00:18:57,211 --> 00:18:58,746
HERMAN: Buddy, what was my share?
525
00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:00,114
I had the warm skim milk.
526
00:19:00,214 --> 00:19:01,048
With the toast.
527
00:19:01,148 --> 00:19:02,082
I see it here.
528
00:19:02,182 --> 00:19:03,183
Warm toast--
529
00:19:03,283 --> 00:19:05,719
Oh, it was $12.75, Herman, with your tip.
530
00:19:05,819 --> 00:19:06,653
Shall we go, honey?
531
00:19:06,754 --> 00:19:07,688
Yes, dear.
532
00:19:07,788 --> 00:19:08,589
Good night, kiddies.
533
00:19:08,689 --> 00:19:09,523
Good night.
534
00:19:09,623 --> 00:19:10,724
Oh, Rob.
535
00:19:10,824 --> 00:19:11,892
Are you through with your dessert?
536
00:19:11,992 --> 00:19:13,861
Yeah, go ahead, Pickles.
537
00:19:13,961 --> 00:19:15,462
Anatole wrap it up.
538
00:19:15,562 --> 00:19:16,897
I'll take it home for the dog.
539
00:19:23,137 --> 00:19:26,440
[music playing]
540
00:19:31,311 --> 00:19:32,613
Thank you, darling.
541
00:19:32,713 --> 00:19:34,114
What for?
542
00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:36,350
Well, I don't know of any other husband who would have
543
00:19:36,450 --> 00:19:38,819
acted so quickly about correcting a fault.
544
00:19:38,919 --> 00:19:41,755
Especially one pointed out by his perfect wife.
545
00:19:41,855 --> 00:19:43,323
You are perfect.
546
00:19:43,424 --> 00:19:44,758
And you're welcome.
547
00:19:44,858 --> 00:19:46,894
You're perfectly welcome.
548
00:19:46,994 --> 00:19:49,396
But you don't have to be the one who inspired the big change.
549
00:19:49,496 --> 00:19:50,764
Well, who inspired it?
550
00:19:50,864 --> 00:19:52,900
Richie did this morning at breakfast.
551
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,234
What happened at breakfast?
552
00:19:54,334 --> 00:19:56,637
Well, you remember you had the headache?
553
00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:57,604
Yeah.
554
00:19:57,705 --> 00:19:59,940
And I volunteered for KP.
555
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:01,942
And I just got to chatting with Richie
556
00:20:02,042 --> 00:20:05,512
and all of a sudden in him I began to notice one of my--
557
00:20:05,612 --> 00:20:06,447
Traits?
558
00:20:06,547 --> 00:20:08,048
No, faults.
559
00:20:08,148 --> 00:20:08,782
Popping up.
560
00:20:08,882 --> 00:20:09,983
What did he say?
561
00:20:10,084 --> 00:20:11,919
Well, It started innocently enough.
562
00:20:12,019 --> 00:20:15,089
We were just talking and I--
563
00:20:15,189 --> 00:20:16,557
How are things at school, Rich?
564
00:20:16,657 --> 00:20:18,058
Fine.
565
00:20:18,158 --> 00:20:20,561
How do you get along with Roy and Freddie these days?
566
00:20:20,661 --> 00:20:21,728
Fine.
567
00:20:21,829 --> 00:20:23,397
They still like to pick on you?
568
00:20:23,497 --> 00:20:24,698
No.
569
00:20:24,798 --> 00:20:26,133
You mean they don't beat up on you anymore?
570
00:20:26,233 --> 00:20:28,268
Nope and don't call me shrimpy.
571
00:20:28,368 --> 00:20:29,169
Well, how come?
572
00:20:29,269 --> 00:20:31,505
They don't play with me anymore.
573
00:20:31,605 --> 00:20:32,840
Why not?
574
00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:35,409
Roy says I'm too young and I have baby toys.
575
00:20:35,509 --> 00:20:37,878
Well, they are only a year older than you are.
576
00:20:37,978 --> 00:20:39,279
And why do they mean baby toys?
577
00:20:39,379 --> 00:20:41,482
How about that great archery set I just got you?
578
00:20:41,582 --> 00:20:42,950
They play with that.
579
00:20:43,050 --> 00:20:45,018
I thought you said they don't play with you anymore.
580
00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:47,788
They play with it in Roy's yard.
581
00:20:47,888 --> 00:20:49,723
Why would they play with in Roy's yard?
582
00:20:49,823 --> 00:20:50,624
It's you archery set.
583
00:20:50,724 --> 00:20:53,227
Uh-uh, it's Freddie's.
584
00:20:53,327 --> 00:20:55,896
Richie, did Freddie take that archery set away from you?
585
00:20:55,996 --> 00:20:57,965
No, they traded me for it.
586
00:20:58,065 --> 00:20:59,500
Traded you for it.
587
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:00,634
What did they give you?
588
00:21:00,734 --> 00:21:02,302
This.
589
00:21:02,402 --> 00:21:06,440
Do you mean to tell me you traded a $5 archery
590
00:21:06,540 --> 00:21:07,875
set for a plastic whistle?
591
00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:09,943
No, they gave me something else.
592
00:21:10,043 --> 00:21:12,246
Well, I should hope they would give you something else.
593
00:21:12,346 --> 00:21:13,180
This.
594
00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:15,449
What's that?
595
00:21:15,549 --> 00:21:17,084
An X-ray of a tooth.
596
00:21:21,321 --> 00:21:22,589
Doggone it, Rich.
597
00:21:22,689 --> 00:21:24,525
Daddy, can I have a glass of milk?
598
00:21:24,625 --> 00:21:26,660
Yeah you can have a glass of milk.
599
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:28,629
Rich, why did you let Rob and Freddie
600
00:21:28,729 --> 00:21:30,430
talk you into such a bad swap?
601
00:21:30,531 --> 00:21:31,398
I didn't.
602
00:21:31,498 --> 00:21:33,801
It was my idea to trade.
603
00:21:33,901 --> 00:21:36,003
Your idea?
604
00:21:36,103 --> 00:21:39,106
Well, why Rich, you've got at least a dozen plastic whistles.
605
00:21:39,206 --> 00:21:41,942
I don't have a picture of a tooth.
606
00:21:45,012 --> 00:21:48,982
Richie, did you really want a picture of a tooth?
607
00:21:54,721 --> 00:21:59,326
Rich you'd rather have kept that archery set, wouldn't you?
608
00:21:59,426 --> 00:22:00,360
Then why did you trade?
609
00:22:03,330 --> 00:22:06,466
Come here, son.
610
00:22:06,567 --> 00:22:10,170
Rich, you wanted to give them the archery set, didn't you?
611
00:22:10,270 --> 00:22:11,071
Uh-huh.
612
00:22:11,171 --> 00:22:12,172
Why?
613
00:22:12,272 --> 00:22:15,108
So Freddie will like me and play with me.
614
00:22:15,209 --> 00:22:16,577
Well, he didn't, did he?
615
00:22:16,677 --> 00:22:18,946
Uh-uh, he likes Roy.
616
00:22:19,046 --> 00:22:20,547
Well, did Roy give him anything?
617
00:22:20,647 --> 00:22:22,249
Uh-uh.
618
00:22:22,349 --> 00:22:24,918
You see, Rich, what you're trying to do
619
00:22:25,018 --> 00:22:28,722
is make people like you by giving them things.
620
00:22:28,822 --> 00:22:30,591
You don't have to do that, Rich.
621
00:22:33,126 --> 00:22:35,429
Maybe I didn't give him enough.
622
00:22:35,529 --> 00:22:39,766
Well, Rich look, if you had given him your catcher's
623
00:22:39,867 --> 00:22:41,602
mitt and your turtle, it still wouldn't
624
00:22:41,702 --> 00:22:42,970
make any difference anyway.
625
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:44,504
If people are going to like you, they're
626
00:22:44,605 --> 00:22:46,173
going to like you whether you give them anything or not.
627
00:22:46,273 --> 00:22:48,008
I never gave Ellen anything.
628
00:22:48,108 --> 00:22:49,042
That's right.
629
00:22:49,142 --> 00:22:50,210
Ellen likes you, doesn't she?
630
00:22:50,310 --> 00:22:51,211
No.
631
00:22:54,715 --> 00:22:55,616
She loves me.
632
00:22:59,887 --> 00:23:02,322
She wants to marry me.
633
00:23:02,422 --> 00:23:05,225
Well, Rich why do you think she loves you?
634
00:23:05,325 --> 00:23:07,227
I don't know, just because she does.
635
00:23:07,327 --> 00:23:10,097
Well, she likes you for what you are.
636
00:23:10,197 --> 00:23:13,767
You see, Rich you just can't go buy friends.
637
00:23:13,867 --> 00:23:16,536
Now, did we learn anything here?
638
00:23:16,637 --> 00:23:18,639
Yeah.
639
00:23:18,739 --> 00:23:20,173
I'm not going to give Roy my turtle
640
00:23:20,274 --> 00:23:22,109
and let me play with my archery set.
641
00:23:22,209 --> 00:23:24,011
Here daddy, mind Mickey fro me.
642
00:23:24,111 --> 00:23:25,345
Where are you going, Rich?
643
00:23:25,445 --> 00:23:27,047
I'm going to go play with Ellen because she
644
00:23:27,147 --> 00:23:29,049
loves me for my own self.
645
00:23:33,553 --> 00:23:34,521
It's funny.
646
00:23:34,621 --> 00:23:36,957
Somehow you never think of your own faults
647
00:23:37,057 --> 00:23:39,026
being too bad until you start seeing
648
00:23:39,126 --> 00:23:40,627
your son inherit one of them.
649
00:23:40,727 --> 00:23:43,764
Oh well, check grabbing isn't the worst fault a man can have.
650
00:23:43,864 --> 00:23:45,365
Well, true.
651
00:23:45,465 --> 00:23:47,034
I'll tell you what, you're going to see a couple of change men
652
00:23:47,134 --> 00:23:48,502
around our family.
653
00:23:48,602 --> 00:23:51,271
No more trading for x-rays of teeth and no more check
654
00:23:51,371 --> 00:23:53,106
grabbing.
655
00:23:53,206 --> 00:23:54,007
How about a cigarette?
656
00:23:54,107 --> 00:23:55,142
I'd love one.
657
00:23:55,242 --> 00:23:56,743
OK.
658
00:23:56,843 --> 00:23:58,679
Give me a kiss first.
659
00:23:58,779 --> 00:23:59,680
There.
660
00:23:59,780 --> 00:24:00,981
You were wrong.
661
00:24:01,081 --> 00:24:02,249
About what?
662
00:24:02,349 --> 00:24:04,318
Cigarettes for a kiss, you can buy love.
663
00:24:08,689 --> 00:24:09,990
Hi, daddy.
664
00:24:10,090 --> 00:24:12,392
I got my $5 archery set back.
665
00:24:12,492 --> 00:24:13,327
I see that.
666
00:24:13,427 --> 00:24:14,761
Well, how did you do that, Rich?
667
00:24:14,861 --> 00:24:16,363
I gave them something.
668
00:24:16,463 --> 00:24:18,065
What did you give them, Rich?
669
00:24:18,165 --> 00:24:21,401
A plastic whistle and a tooth X-ray.
670
00:24:21,501 --> 00:24:23,870
You mean they were willing to trade for that?
671
00:24:23,970 --> 00:24:25,272
No, Freddie wasn't.
672
00:24:25,372 --> 00:24:28,342
You mean you had to give Freddie something else?
673
00:24:28,442 --> 00:24:31,178
What did you give him, Rich?
674
00:24:31,278 --> 00:24:33,413
Richy, daddy asked you a question.
675
00:24:33,513 --> 00:24:35,882
What did you give Freddie to get your set back?
676
00:24:35,983 --> 00:24:37,751
A hard punch in the belly.
677
00:24:47,694 --> 00:24:51,398
[music playing]
46639
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