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[theme song]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show", starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose
Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Boy, what a relief.
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That finishes all of the month's bills.
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Honey, if you could do me a big favor.
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If when you charge something, you sign somebody else's name.
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I'm just doing some figuring.
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I'm trying to decide when to have Ritchie's birthday.
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I thought we decided that about eight years ago.
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Oh, no.
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No, I mean, I'm trying to decide
when to have his birthday party.
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You know, I got a great idea.
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Why don't you have the party on the
anniversary of the day he was born.
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You can call it a birthday party.
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Yeah, that would be great, darling, except he's
already invited to a party on his birthday.
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What, two birthdays on the same day?
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LAURA PETRIE: No, it's not the other
boys birthday, it's his party day.
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Well, why don't you let Richie have a party on his birthday,
and the other kid can have a party on his birthday?
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No, no, no, they can't.
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The other boy's birthday is already booked.
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So we can either have Ritchie's birthday three weeks
before or three weeks after his actual date of birth.
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Well, why don't you have it three weeks before.
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And then on his birthday, we'll have a rerun.
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Oh, Rob, come on.
Now what do you think?
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I don't care, whatever you want to do.
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Well, I guess three weeks before is best.
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Good, let's neck.
Now quit kidding around.
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I'm not kidding around.
I want to neck.
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Oh, [inaudible],, we have to settle this once and for all.
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What it is complicated?
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We decorate the room, we have a few kids
over and give them ice cream and cake.
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A few kids?
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Here is a list of the available
8-year-olds for Ritchie's party.
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Available?
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Oh, well, there must be 50 kids on this list.
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No, no, 63. 63?
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Well, how many of them does he want?
All of them.
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All of them? Mm-hmm.
39
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Honey, you can't handle 63 kids all by yourself.
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By myself?
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Somebody has to go out for the birthday cake.
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Darling, it won't take all day to pick up the cake.
43
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Well, it will if I work it right.
[chuckles]
44
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Honey, I don't see how an intelligent person like you could
even consider having 63 screaming kids in his house.
45
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That's impossible.
46
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Yeah, well, uh, see, that's another thing.
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I wasn't planning to have it here at the house.
48
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Well, what are you gonna do, hire a hall?
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No, an amusement park. Laura.
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Well, Rob, they have this special
birthday party rate over at Dizzyland.
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Dizzyland?
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Yeah, the place with all the crazy rides.
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The kids go on them and get dizzy.
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They just love it, Rob, and it's become so popular.
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Have you, uh, already booked this thing?
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Well, um, tentatively.
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I wanted to discuss it with you first.
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But Rob, they really love it.
It's just wonderful.
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First, the kids go on all the rides.
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Then get dizzy. Yeah.
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And then, they take this little candy cruiser over
to birthday island where they have the actual party.
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And Ritchie's made king of birthday
island and gets to choose a queen.
63
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And they go on a honeymoon and live happily ever after.
64
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No, no, darling, then they have organized games.
65
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And then for refreshments, they're taken by the
little elves over to the gingerbread house.
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And the kids eat the house.
Yes, real gingerbread.
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I don't believe it.
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Well, oh, darling, that's the part the kids love best.
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Well, Hon, doesn't he at least get
a good old-fashioned birthday cake?
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Yeah, when they go to the ice cream volcano.
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Volcano? Yeah,
instead of lava they use hot fudge.
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You know that if we wrote this as a
sketch on a show, nobody would believe it?
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Well, no, darling, it sounds crazy, but the kids love it.
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The parents have nothing to worry
about and it only costs $2 a child.
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So-- Hold it! Hold the lava.
$2 a child? Yeah.
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That is over $100 for a kid's birthday party.
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That's obscene.
We almost have to have a big party.
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Why? Well, these days,
it's almost the thing to do.
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And you don't have to stare at me like that.
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Yes, I do.
It is pretty bad, isn't it?
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When a kid's birthday party becomes a status symbol.
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Well, I know it's awful, Rob.
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But look, I'm thinking about Richie.
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He's been to all these big birthday
parties and he's expecting one too.
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Honey, I am not suggesting that he
shouldn't have a birthday party.
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But you're planning, here, an orgy, a hot fudge volcano.
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Honey, it is crazy and I'm against it.
88
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Rob, I'm against it too.
Honestly, I am.
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But look, we can't fight progress so why don't you go ahead
and call the amusement park and make the reservation?
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I do-- I want no part of juvenile decadence.
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Well, then you're refusing to have
the party at the amusement park?
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I'd like to think about it, that's all.
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I'll tell you right now.
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The only thing in your favor is my burning
desire to see a mob of kids eat a house.
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Hey, I got it.
[piano keys clacking]
96
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Oh, I didn't know you could play the piano.
97
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No, get this.
98
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Alan plays a part of a contestant in
a quiz show called "Save Your Spouse".
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And if he loses, he gets his own wife back or else the husband has to hold
his breath until the wife answers a whole bunch of questions correctly.
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The game show idea is very good.
That's good.
101
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BUDDY SORRELL: Hey, I got the game show.
102
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It's like "What's My Line", only it's called, "What Was
This Fellow's Name Before He Changed It To What It Is Now"?
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And "Why Did He Change It Do You Think?"
104
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Is that the title or the whole show?
105
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No, it's the idea of the thing.
106
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They bring a fella in, they say, this man manufactures golf sweaters and he
calls them-- you know, he likes it-- so he calls himself Sam Golf Sweater
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because he wants everybody to know he makes golf sweaters.
108
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Well, what was his name before he changed it?
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Al Paca. Get outta here, Buddy.
You'll like it.
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It'll grow on you.
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I don't want anything to grow on me.
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One-- one more, one more.
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A girl lives in Pennsylvania and she's so proud of her
home state, she calls herself Patricia Pittsburgh.
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What was her-- ROB AND SALLY:
--name before she changed it?
115
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Phyllis Adelphia.
Oh, [inaudible]. [phone rings]
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Today, you were saved by the bell.
Hi honey.
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What's up? Well,
I just called the amusement park.
118
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And I found out I can get it a lot cheaper if we eliminate
either the gingerbread house or the ice cream volcano.
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Aw, what kind of a party would it be if they
can't eat the house along with the volcano?
120
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They can nibble on the furniture.
121
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LAURA PETRIE (ON PHONE): Listen, dear.
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I think I better go ahead and make the reservations
now, I mean, unless you have a better suggestion.
123
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No, I haven't got any better suggestions.
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You'll see, darling,
it'll be a fun party. Yeah.
125
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Seems to me somebody said that
before the fall of the Roman Empire.
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All right, you're gonna have a party with a
volcano and everything and we weren't invited?
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It's Ritchie's birthday party and you're both invited.
128
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Oh, I just remembered I'm on a low volcano diet.
129
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Yeah, me too.
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I hear that lava is loaded with cholesterol.
131
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Hey, uh, where you gonna have the party?
132
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At an amusement park.
133
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Hey, Rob, I don't like to butt in,
but why don't you have it at the house?
134
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That's old-fashioned, today, to do that.
135
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It appears that, ah, suburbia's latest contribution to our culture is to see who
can spend the most money in the most outlandish way on a kid's birthday party.
136
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He's right.
137
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You know that kid cousin of mine, Norman?
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- Yeah.
- One that lives in Little Neck? Yeah.
139
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What do you think they gave him for his 10th birthday?
140
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What? Little Neck.
141
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I bet he didn't even appreciate it.
142
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Right, he wanted Great Neck.
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Boy, I'm telling you,
kids today don't appreciate anything.
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ROB PETRIE: Mhm.
145
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Do you know, Rob, that when I was a kid, we were so poor,
we couldn't even afford to have my eighth birthday.
146
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I just skipped from seven to 9.
147
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BUDDY SORRELL: You've been skipping them ever since.
148
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Oh, thanks a lot.
149
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When I was a kid, I'll bet my parents never spent over $10 on my
birthday, but we had a lot of fun-- musical chairs and potato raises.
150
00:07:47,451 --> 00:07:48,410
You know something?
151
00:07:48,494 --> 00:07:49,953
We could never get my potatoes to raise.
152
00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:53,916
And we used to whip them until the Eisen watered.
153
00:07:53,999 --> 00:07:56,668
How about all that fun we used to
have with an empty milk bottle?
154
00:07:56,794 --> 00:07:58,879
Yeah, flipping pennies in them.
155
00:07:59,004 --> 00:08:02,883
No, stupid, spinning it.
156
00:08:03,008 --> 00:08:05,135
Kids in those days really know how to have fun.
157
00:08:05,219 --> 00:08:09,181
You know now we take them to an amusement
park and we pay to have them entertained.
158
00:08:09,306 --> 00:08:14,353
Rob, do you know that my cousin spent 50
bucks for a clown for a kid's birthday?
159
00:08:14,436 --> 00:08:15,437
You're kidding.
160
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We didn't even have a clown at my wedding.
161
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Sure you did, you were there.
162
00:08:20,317 --> 00:08:22,194
You know, we're ruining the kid is what we're doing.
163
00:08:22,277 --> 00:08:23,320
You know, you're right.
164
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You know, kids, today, are jaded.
Yeah.
165
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You're right, they are jaded.
You know something?
166
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We're the ones that are jading them.
That's right.
167
00:08:30,494 --> 00:08:33,872
I'm not gonna sit back and watch
my kid turn into a green rock.
168
00:08:33,956 --> 00:08:37,000
Who you calling?
I'm gonna call-- Laura?
169
00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:38,168
Laura, did you call that amusement park yet?
170
00:08:38,252 --> 00:08:39,420
Yeah, and it's all set.
171
00:08:39,545 --> 00:08:42,548
Well, that's too bad because I am
gonna have to call and unset it.
172
00:08:42,673 --> 00:08:45,259
You mean, cancel it? Why?
173
00:08:45,384 --> 00:08:47,719
Because I don't want to live in the same
house with a kid that's turned green.
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00:08:47,845 --> 00:08:49,847
Rob, what are you talking about?
175
00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:52,224
Laura, I am not talking, I am commanding.
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There's going to be no amusement park.
177
00:08:54,059 --> 00:08:55,561
There's going to be no 63 kids.
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00:08:55,644 --> 00:08:59,189
When I get home tonight, we're gonna sit down
with that party list and do a little chopping.
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00:08:59,273 --> 00:09:00,357
And you'll thank me for it.
180
00:09:00,441 --> 00:09:03,527
Rob, I-- Goodbye,
I'll see you tonight.
181
00:09:03,610 --> 00:09:08,365
I enjoyed that. Enjoyed what?
182
00:09:08,449 --> 00:09:12,828
Talking like my father used to.
183
00:09:12,911 --> 00:09:17,583
Now do you really want
Billy Fuller? Yes.
184
00:09:17,666 --> 00:09:22,004
Ritchie, isn't he the boy that bites you all the time?
185
00:09:22,087 --> 00:09:27,009
Not all the time, just at recess.
186
00:09:27,092 --> 00:09:30,471
You don't really want him?
No. Good.
187
00:09:30,596 --> 00:09:31,847
We're doing great here.
188
00:09:31,930 --> 00:09:34,433
Honey, we have crossed out 30 kids he doesn't really want.
189
00:09:34,558 --> 00:09:37,102
There's no sense in having
them, right? Right.
190
00:09:37,227 --> 00:09:38,979
Daddy, I wanna ask you a question.
191
00:09:39,104 --> 00:09:40,230
ROB PETRIE: Sure, Rich.
192
00:09:40,314 --> 00:09:43,942
Well, these guys I really don't
want, how do I get them not to come?
193
00:09:44,026 --> 00:09:45,152
Well, simple, Rich.
194
00:09:45,277 --> 00:09:46,278
We just don't invite them, that's all.
195
00:09:46,403 --> 00:09:50,616
Oh, how do you uninvite someone?
What?
196
00:09:50,699 --> 00:09:55,287
Well, all these cross outs, I've already asked them.
197
00:09:55,370 --> 00:09:58,791
When? Oh, last week in school.
198
00:09:58,916 --> 00:10:05,005
Rob, could I see you for a minute in the kitchen, please?
199
00:10:05,130 --> 00:10:07,341
Should I go wash my hands?
200
00:10:07,466 --> 00:10:09,218
No, we'll go in the kitchen.
201
00:10:14,473 --> 00:10:18,393
All right, you were very good
at canceling the amusement park.
202
00:10:18,477 --> 00:10:21,021
Now let's see how good you are canceling 63 children.
203
00:10:21,146 --> 00:10:24,191
Laura, don't do that.
Well, what then, Rob?
204
00:10:24,316 --> 00:10:27,736
63 kids are planning to descend on our house.
205
00:10:27,820 --> 00:10:30,697
Well, just don't panic.
There's a way out.
206
00:10:30,823 --> 00:10:35,285
What is it? Oh.
How about a clown?
207
00:10:35,369 --> 00:10:37,955
Millie told me about this clown who
entertains at children's parties.
208
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:39,164
He's very good.
209
00:10:39,289 --> 00:10:42,042
I think we can get them for less than--
Honey, I don't care how much it costs.
210
00:10:42,167 --> 00:10:43,168
Honey, money is not the point.
211
00:10:43,252 --> 00:10:45,003
It's the principle of the thing.
212
00:10:45,129 --> 00:10:49,883
Parents shouldn't depend on professionals to
entertain their own kids at a simple birthday party.
213
00:10:50,008 --> 00:10:53,720
But he's our son, we're his parents and we
ought to give of ourselves a little bit.
214
00:10:53,846 --> 00:10:56,515
Well, Rob, I agree with you, we should give of ourselves.
215
00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:59,643
But let's be reasonable, there are two of us and 63 of them.
216
00:10:59,726 --> 00:11:04,022
Well, there'll be six of us, Buddy and Sally, and
there'll be Millie and Jerry, and you and me.
217
00:11:04,148 --> 00:11:07,192
We can come up with games and contests.
218
00:11:07,276 --> 00:11:08,485
What kind of games?
219
00:11:08,569 --> 00:11:11,029
We'll think of something that's
not gonna wreck the whole house.
220
00:11:11,155 --> 00:11:13,532
Like what? Well, I don't know.
221
00:11:13,657 --> 00:11:18,912
We-- we can play living statues
and, uh, the quietest kid contest.
222
00:11:19,037 --> 00:11:20,247
I like that.
223
00:11:20,372 --> 00:11:24,334
Rob, 63 children won't even fit in this house.
224
00:11:24,418 --> 00:11:25,586
We'll have it in the backyard.
225
00:11:25,711 --> 00:11:26,920
There's plenty of room out there, honey.
226
00:11:27,045 --> 00:11:30,174
That's what we'll do.
What if it rains? It won't!
227
00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:33,260
With you and I praying as hard as we
can, it can't possibly rain.
228
00:11:38,932 --> 00:11:40,684
Did you see that day out there?
229
00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:43,228
When I say it is not gonna rain, it's not gonna rain.
230
00:11:43,353 --> 00:11:44,730
Don't you think we did the right thing now?
231
00:11:44,855 --> 00:11:48,901
I'll tell you what I think after I see
what that one little gray cloud does.
232
00:11:48,984 --> 00:11:50,360
That cloud's gonna stay gray.
233
00:11:50,444 --> 00:11:52,863
That's what it's gonna do.
What's to do?
234
00:11:52,946 --> 00:11:56,992
Well, you can take the string and run it from the patio roof to
the garage, blow up the balloons and put them on the string, mhm?
235
00:11:57,076 --> 00:11:59,787
Right. (YELLING) I'll
blow up my balloons!
236
00:11:59,912 --> 00:12:00,913
No, not too many, Rob.
237
00:12:01,038 --> 00:12:04,124
He gets dizzy, and I don't want
him to be nauseous at the party.
238
00:12:04,249 --> 00:12:09,922
Come on, [inaudible].
[doorbell rings] Hi.
239
00:12:10,047 --> 00:12:11,507
Well, good afternoon, Madam.
240
00:12:11,590 --> 00:12:16,637
We understand you're having a little children's party here today,
and we would like you to take advantage of our unique service.
241
00:12:16,762 --> 00:12:18,347
Oh, and what pray tell are they?
242
00:12:18,430 --> 00:12:22,017
Well, we make Martinis for the parents.
243
00:12:22,101 --> 00:12:23,769
Boy, am I glad you guys came early.
244
00:12:23,852 --> 00:12:26,146
Buddy, Rob's out in the back decorating.
245
00:12:26,271 --> 00:12:27,940
Ah, how long before we meet the enemy?
246
00:12:28,065 --> 00:12:29,358
About three hours.
247
00:12:29,441 --> 00:12:32,319
Just give us time to write a few
farewell notes to our loved ones.
248
00:12:32,444 --> 00:12:34,530
Hey, where are Millie and Jerry?
Ah, just our luck.
249
00:12:34,613 --> 00:12:36,698
They're both sick with colds and
they're afraid of infecting the kids.
250
00:12:36,782 --> 00:12:41,912
Ah. Why didn't I think of that?
Catching a cold.
251
00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:46,792
LAURA PETRIE: Rob.
Hi, Buddy. Hi, Sally.
252
00:12:46,917 --> 00:12:48,377
BUDDY SORRELL: Hi, General, just come to join you.
253
00:12:48,460 --> 00:12:52,464
Laura, we forgot.
The gardener comes on Saturdays.
254
00:12:52,548 --> 00:12:55,551
Oh, well, if he's in your way, dear, just ask him to move.
255
00:12:55,634 --> 00:12:57,594
He's already come and gone.
256
00:12:57,678 --> 00:13:00,889
Honey, I'm afraid we can't have the party outside.
257
00:13:00,973 --> 00:13:02,141
LAURA PETRIE: He watered.
258
00:13:02,224 --> 00:13:05,978
We were afraid of rain and he watered.
So what?
259
00:13:06,061 --> 00:13:07,479
So a couple of little darlings will get their feet wet.
260
00:13:07,604 --> 00:13:10,107
Sure, let them wear their galoshes.
Yeah.
261
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:11,191
You're better off with clothespins.
262
00:13:11,316 --> 00:13:13,444
What do you mean?
He didn't water.
263
00:13:13,527 --> 00:13:18,031
There is 300 pounds of fertilizer on the lawn.
264
00:13:18,157 --> 00:13:21,994
Fertilizer?
I thought the circus was in town.
265
00:13:22,077 --> 00:13:27,666
And is it fertile? Oh!
Oh, Rob. Don't, oh, Rob, me.
266
00:13:27,750 --> 00:13:31,128
That guy sprinkles that stuff on the lawn one time of year.
267
00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:33,964
Now why did it have to be today?
Poor, Ritchie.
268
00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:36,133
No poor Ritchie. He's thrilled.
269
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:40,679
Right now he thinks he's the only kid in the block
with a birthday party that's gonna have pony rides.
270
00:13:40,804 --> 00:13:44,725
You better fasten your safety belts, folks,
looks like the party's coming inside.
271
00:13:44,850 --> 00:13:48,437
Four adults, you get 63 kids in an enclosed area?
272
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:51,690
God, what lousy odds. [chuckles]
273
00:13:51,774 --> 00:13:53,567
Laura, don't look at me like that.
274
00:13:53,692 --> 00:13:55,861
Rob, she's got a right to look at you that way.
275
00:13:55,944 --> 00:13:59,031
Well, I just don't know how we're gonna manage, that's all.
276
00:13:59,114 --> 00:14:02,367
Ah, how about-- how about we wave a white flag?
277
00:14:02,451 --> 00:14:04,036
Now wait a minute, let's-- don't panic.
278
00:14:04,161 --> 00:14:05,496
Here's the plan.
279
00:14:05,579 --> 00:14:08,540
Jerry and Millie come over and
infect as many kids as they can.
280
00:14:08,665 --> 00:14:11,376
Now look, we'll split the party
into three different groups.
281
00:14:11,502 --> 00:14:13,003
Buddy, you'll take a group in the bedroom.
282
00:14:13,087 --> 00:14:15,464
Sally, you'll take the living room.
Right.
283
00:14:15,547 --> 00:14:17,424
I'll take a group in the den,
and Laura can flow through the house.
284
00:14:17,549 --> 00:14:20,844
Oh, can she do that?
And what will the children do?
285
00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:22,888
They'll have fun. Oh, Rob!
286
00:14:22,971 --> 00:14:24,807
There goes oh, Rob, again.
287
00:14:24,890 --> 00:14:28,477
Honey, children are very resourceful
if you give them the chance to be.
288
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:31,772
You leave them to their own devices,
they will create their own amusement.
289
00:14:31,897 --> 00:14:35,651
[YELLING, SCREAMING, LOUD CHATTER]
290
00:14:59,967 --> 00:15:01,593
Oh, my god, Buddy!
291
00:15:05,389 --> 00:15:10,269
What do you want? Help me!
But I need help. Oh!
292
00:15:10,352 --> 00:15:12,187
Wait a minute.
Where's Rob and Laura?
293
00:15:12,271 --> 00:15:15,566
They're [inaudible]
294
00:15:15,649 --> 00:15:17,151
All right, [inaudible] who's watching them?
295
00:15:17,276 --> 00:15:18,861
Check, I don't know.
296
00:15:22,865 --> 00:15:27,453
Hey, [inaudible]
297
00:15:32,207 --> 00:15:35,461
What is going-- Abandon
ship, abandon ship.
298
00:15:35,586 --> 00:15:36,962
Get back, get back. - What's the matter?
299
00:15:37,045 --> 00:15:38,130
What's the matter?
300
00:15:38,255 --> 00:15:40,090
The kids are flooding
the bathroom. Oh!
301
00:15:48,140 --> 00:15:57,483
Hey, order. Quiet!
[screaming] [whistles] Hold it!
302
00:15:57,566 --> 00:16:02,404
Everybody shut up!
All right, now quiet!
303
00:16:02,488 --> 00:16:04,406
Get those kids out of the bedroom.
304
00:16:04,490 --> 00:16:07,326
Get everybody out from the den.
Get that hat off.
305
00:16:07,409 --> 00:16:08,660
LAURA PETRIE: All right, everybody out.
306
00:16:08,744 --> 00:16:10,788
ROB PETRIE: Everybody in here on the double.
307
00:16:10,871 --> 00:16:11,789
I want quiet.
308
00:16:14,208 --> 00:16:16,251
All right, quiet.
309
00:16:16,335 --> 00:16:20,547
Now I want you to listen to me and
I want you to listen to me good.
310
00:16:20,672 --> 00:16:23,175
I don't know how this started, but it has ended right now.
311
00:16:23,258 --> 00:16:24,718
Do you read me?
312
00:16:24,843 --> 00:16:29,264
Now you've all behaved abominably and
I'm ashamed of each and every one of you.
313
00:16:29,348 --> 00:16:30,766
This is a home.
314
00:16:30,849 --> 00:16:34,019
It's not a playground and it's not an amusement park.
315
00:16:34,144 --> 00:16:35,354
I want everybody to be quiet.
316
00:16:35,479 --> 00:16:36,939
I don't want to hear one peep out of you.
317
00:16:37,022 --> 00:16:39,191
I'm gonna go call your parents and have them take you home.
318
00:16:39,316 --> 00:16:43,028
[collective "oh"] Not a peep.
I want it quiet.
319
00:16:43,153 --> 00:16:46,407
I want to see all the group leaders in the kitchen.
320
00:16:46,532 --> 00:16:47,783
Untie that kid.
321
00:16:54,373 --> 00:16:55,416
Well, it's my fault.
322
00:16:55,541 --> 00:16:57,501
No, it's not your fault, darling.
323
00:16:57,584 --> 00:16:59,378
Yeah, all you did was go for the ice cream.
324
00:16:59,461 --> 00:17:01,672
It's my fault as much as yours.
325
00:17:01,755 --> 00:17:04,716
Well, Laura, you had to take care of Stephanie's cut.
326
00:17:04,842 --> 00:17:12,850
You know, none of this would have happened if we knew how to yell at kids, but neither one of us
being parents-- Well, I think it's just a little harder to buck the trend than I thought it was.
327
00:17:12,933 --> 00:17:14,727
Well, you were right to try anyway, darling.
328
00:17:14,810 --> 00:17:16,228
I don't know about that.
329
00:17:16,311 --> 00:17:19,064
Well, you had everything figured, but the fertilizer.
330
00:17:19,189 --> 00:17:23,277
I mean, children's parties are getting out of hand,
and it's about time someone starts pointing it out.
331
00:17:23,402 --> 00:17:24,486
Sure.
332
00:17:24,570 --> 00:17:27,740
Let's get a national magazine to
take a picture of that living room.
333
00:17:27,865 --> 00:17:31,910
It's just that it's hard to deny your child
something that other children are getting.
334
00:17:32,035 --> 00:17:38,792
SALLY ROGERS: Well, I hate to be the one to break up the seminar on
morality, but you've got a room full of very sullen kids out there.
335
00:17:38,917 --> 00:17:45,507
Yeah, you know what that means when kids are quiet that
long, only one thing on their mind, mass retaliation.
336
00:17:45,591 --> 00:17:49,595
Rob, you said that we don't give of
ourselves enough to our children, right?
337
00:17:49,678 --> 00:17:52,765
Well, how about your going in there
and giving of yourself to them?
338
00:17:52,890 --> 00:17:54,433
I don't think they want of me.
339
00:17:54,516 --> 00:17:55,893
I think they want of my life.
340
00:17:55,976 --> 00:17:57,603
Buddy and Sally, look, I know this is a lot to ask.
341
00:17:57,728 --> 00:18:00,898
But do you think you could go in there and
keep them entertained for a few minutes?
342
00:18:00,981 --> 00:18:04,234
Us in there?
Oh, thanks a lot, pal.
343
00:18:04,318 --> 00:18:07,196
That's like sending a snowman into a steam bath.
344
00:18:07,279 --> 00:18:08,906
I-- I know, it's a lot to ask.
345
00:18:08,989 --> 00:18:14,578
But if you can just keep them quiet for a few minutes, and tell
them that if they're good, a clown will come and entertain them.
346
00:18:14,661 --> 00:18:17,998
You want me to go in there and emcee
a room full of eight-year-olds?
347
00:18:18,123 --> 00:18:20,250
Would-- just for a few minutes, would you?
348
00:18:20,334 --> 00:18:25,005
It's gonna be the greatest bookings
since the Jascha Heifetz played Birdland.
349
00:18:25,130 --> 00:18:28,175
He had a violin to hit back with.
350
00:18:28,300 --> 00:18:29,384
OK, what do you need?
351
00:18:29,468 --> 00:18:31,970
Well, probably a mop-- - A mop?
- --you know, for this thing.
352
00:18:32,054 --> 00:18:33,263
OK, a mop.
353
00:18:33,347 --> 00:18:34,890
And you need something to juggle with too, won't you?
354
00:18:34,973 --> 00:18:36,141
- Oranges, I guess. - In the refrigerator, darling.
355
00:18:36,225 --> 00:18:38,560
OK. Honey,
would you split me a rubber ball?
356
00:18:38,644 --> 00:18:40,771
LAURA PETRIE: Split a rubber ball?
Yeah.
357
00:18:40,854 --> 00:18:42,523
How about those-- those rain boots that you had?
358
00:18:42,648 --> 00:18:44,149
Yeah, good, I'll use those.
359
00:18:44,233 --> 00:18:48,112
Um, either there's a naked kid running around, or he melted.
360
00:18:48,195 --> 00:18:51,657
Ah, I'll explain that to you
later, dear. Mhm.
361
00:18:51,740 --> 00:18:53,492
Now, what about those pajamas, those funny ones?
362
00:18:53,617 --> 00:18:57,371
My [inaudible] pajamas and a
funnel, you know, to put on-- OK.
363
00:18:57,496 --> 00:19:00,249
Thanks. Oh, darling,
you'll make a marvelous clown.
364
00:19:00,332 --> 00:19:03,585
And I [inaudible].
Wanna help me put my jammies on?
365
00:19:03,669 --> 00:19:07,339
Could I? (SINGING) Old
MacDonald had a farm.
366
00:19:07,423 --> 00:19:09,216
Ee i ee i o.
367
00:19:09,341 --> 00:19:16,557
With an oink-oink here and an oink-oink there, and here an oink, there an oink, everywhere
an oink-oink-- I think we're singing alone, (SINGING)Oink-oink here and a quack-quack there.
368
00:19:16,682 --> 00:19:20,811
Hold it.
We're singing along. Yeah.
369
00:19:20,894 --> 00:19:26,316
(SINGING) Old MacDonald had a farm.
Ee i ee i o.
370
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:31,321
[clapping] That went over like a lead balloon.
371
00:19:31,405 --> 00:19:33,824
Well, I got a funny feeling this ain't our room.
372
00:19:33,907 --> 00:19:37,119
Ah, what other kind of kiddie song
have you got for us, Aunt Sally?
373
00:19:37,202 --> 00:19:40,414
Well, how about-- how about
"Lover Man and "Body and Soul"?
374
00:19:40,539 --> 00:19:43,792
Sally! We ran out of kids songs.
375
00:19:43,876 --> 00:19:45,711
Well, uh, the show is ready.
Oh, come on.
376
00:19:45,836 --> 00:19:48,297
Oh, you announce it. All right.
377
00:19:48,380 --> 00:19:57,055
Ah, boys and girls, Ritchie Petrie, the birthday boy, is
proud to present that stellar attraction, Robo, the clown.
378
00:19:57,139 --> 00:19:58,849
I got a clown! I got a clown!
379
00:19:58,932 --> 00:20:02,686
[kids applauding and cheering]
380
00:20:15,741 --> 00:20:19,078
Hey, you're not a clown.
You're my Daddy.
381
00:20:19,161 --> 00:20:21,246
But-- but that doesn't mean I can't be a clown too.
382
00:20:21,330 --> 00:20:24,083
No, you can't. Daddy's a lawyer.
And Doctors.
383
00:20:24,208 --> 00:20:27,294
And bus drivers. And riders.
Well, that's right.
384
00:20:27,419 --> 00:20:29,838
That's true, but-- but anybody can be a clown.
385
00:20:29,922 --> 00:20:32,549
All you-- all you have to do is just want to make people laugh.
386
00:20:32,633 --> 00:20:38,180
If you wanna be a clown, you can be one.
[chuckles]
387
00:20:38,263 --> 00:20:39,932
[laughter]
388
00:20:40,015 --> 00:20:42,935
See, I could be a clown if I want to be a clown.
389
00:20:43,018 --> 00:20:48,273
All you have to do is think funny things real hard
and wish very hard that you wanna be a clown.
390
00:20:48,357 --> 00:20:49,274
I'll show you.
391
00:20:53,153 --> 00:20:56,156
[music playing]
392
00:20:56,281 --> 00:21:12,005
(SINGING) When I grow up, I want to be a very famous clown and
have the people laugh at me when the circus comes to town.
393
00:21:12,131 --> 00:21:15,968
I'll make them glad when they are sad.
394
00:21:16,051 --> 00:21:20,180
I'll chase away each frown.
395
00:21:20,305 --> 00:21:27,604
I'll blink my nose and tip my hat
when the circus comes to town.
396
00:21:27,688 --> 00:21:35,320
And when you hear the old calliope,
you watch me and you laugh.
397
00:21:35,404 --> 00:21:43,245
I'll jump like a seal and roll like a wheel
and stretch my neck like a big giraffe.
398
00:21:46,206 --> 00:21:54,548
I hope you see me when I'm shown, when I become a clown.
399
00:21:54,673 --> 00:22:05,684
Next year when I am fully grown and the circus comes to town.
400
00:22:05,768 --> 00:22:07,853
Let's get him! Hold it, hold it!
401
00:22:10,189 --> 00:22:12,733
Bye, Ritchie. Thank you. Bye.
402
00:22:12,858 --> 00:22:14,068
- Goodbye, children. - Bye.
403
00:22:14,193 --> 00:22:16,862
He's a good clown.
Bye Thanks, bye.
404
00:22:22,451 --> 00:22:23,869
Boy, am I beat.
405
00:22:23,952 --> 00:22:25,537
I'm sitting on one of those mortar shells.
406
00:22:25,662 --> 00:22:30,084
I'm too tired to move.
I sure hope it's a dud.
407
00:22:30,209 --> 00:22:33,462
Well, I guess I'll go in and start cleaning up now.
408
00:22:33,545 --> 00:22:35,547
SALLY ROGERS: Ah, do you want some help, Laura?
409
00:22:35,631 --> 00:22:38,258
Oh, I'd love some.
Put an ad in the paper.
410
00:22:38,383 --> 00:22:41,303
Thank you. Oh, well, Rich.
411
00:22:41,386 --> 00:22:44,348
Daddy, that was the best party I ever had.
412
00:22:44,431 --> 00:22:46,225
Rich, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.
413
00:22:46,350 --> 00:22:50,979
Look, next year, I would like to have a nice
sensible party with a sensible number of kids.
414
00:22:51,063 --> 00:22:52,398
[doorbell rings] - OK.
415
00:22:52,481 --> 00:22:54,233
Oh-oh, don't tell me the kids are coming back.
416
00:22:54,358 --> 00:22:56,235
Oh, no. No.
417
00:22:58,404 --> 00:23:00,697
Yes. Yeah, this is a place.
418
00:23:00,781 --> 00:23:03,158
I have a present here for Mr. Ritchie Petrie from Alan Brady.
419
00:23:03,242 --> 00:23:04,993
Oh, that [inaudible] man finally came in.
420
00:23:05,077 --> 00:23:06,286
Yeah, bring it in.
421
00:23:06,412 --> 00:23:07,913
Well, we were gonna put it in the backyard.
422
00:23:08,038 --> 00:23:10,124
You see, it's a-- Oh, listen,
the backyard is off limits.
423
00:23:10,249 --> 00:23:12,418
Here, just bring it in here.
OK, you asked for it.
424
00:23:12,543 --> 00:23:16,630
Isn't that nice of Alan to remember his birthday?
425
00:23:16,755 --> 00:23:18,549
All right, a pony.
426
00:23:18,632 --> 00:23:20,426
I'm so glad I'm gonna get a pony.
427
00:23:20,551 --> 00:23:23,262
BUDDY SORRELL: Hey, Rob, a pony.
Yeah.
428
00:23:23,345 --> 00:23:25,848
So Rich, I'm afraid, but you can't keep a pony.
429
00:23:25,931 --> 00:23:26,932
But why not, Daddy?
430
00:23:27,057 --> 00:23:28,809
It's only rented for three hours.
431
00:23:28,934 --> 00:23:30,936
It's only rented for three hours.
[laughs]
432
00:23:31,061 --> 00:23:33,272
LAURA PETRIE: Hey, you guys.
Who's for sandwiches?
433
00:23:33,355 --> 00:23:36,275
I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.
[chuckles]
434
00:23:36,358 --> 00:23:39,570
[gasps]
435
00:23:41,447 --> 00:23:42,656
What'd you say, honey?
436
00:23:42,781 --> 00:23:46,910
LAURA PETRIE: I said, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!
437
00:23:52,708 --> 00:23:56,170
[theme song]38604
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