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[theme song]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show", starring Dick Van Dyke,
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Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.
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OK, Buddy, here's your coffee.
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BUDDY SORRELL: What took you so long?
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I was only gone a minute.
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- Only one minute? - That's all.
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This electric pencil sharpeners
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are faster than I thought.
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Look at all I got done in one minute.
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And I thought you were wasting your time.
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I answered the telephone too.
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Oh, you didn't.
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Yeah.
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Ray Murdock called and he wants to interview
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Rob on his television show.
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It's the, ah-- what they call it?
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"The Ray Murdock X-rays".
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Yeah.
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SALLY ROGERS: Boy, Murdock, the murder.
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I'm sure Rob has enough sense to say no.
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Oh, hi, Rob.
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Hi, gang.
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Now why would anyone want to go on that show?
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Because it's a challenge, that's why.
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Oh, then you got the message, huh?
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Yeah, Marge gave it to me out the switchboard.
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Hey, you're not serious about going on that show, are you?
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ROB PETRIE: Well, I don't know.
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Because I don't climb mountains or fight bulls or hunt lions,
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I gotta do something courageous.
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BUDDY SORRELL: You want to do something courageous?
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Come to my house and say to my mother-in-law,
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you're wrong, fatso.
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Here, Rob, here's your coffee.
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Thank you.
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You know, I'd kind of like to tackle
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that Murdock It might be fun.
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BUDDY SORRELL: Yeah?
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Fun, answering a lot of personal questions
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that are none of anybody's business?
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Answering them isn't the fun, it's parrying
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the questions, avoiding them.
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That's the fun.
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BUDDY SORRELL: That's right.
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Ah, you happen to see what Murdock
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did to that Hungarian count who wrote that book "40
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Year of Happy Marriage?"
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No, what did he do to him?
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Well, he X-rayed the count and uncovered a few skeletons.
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ROB PETRIE: What skeletons, didn't he have
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40 years of happy marriage?
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Yeah, but he forgot to mention in his book
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that the 40 happy years we spent with eight different wives.
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Well, I only have one wife, but I would just simply
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refuse to talk about her.
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Anyway, I think the least I can do is call him back.
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Marge, hey, get me Ray Murdock on the phone, will you?
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Because it is a challenge, Marge.
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Will you just get him, please?
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Look, take my advice.
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Don't get started with that guy.
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He take a string bean like you and like that, succotash.
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Ah, Mr. Murdock, ah, Rob Petrie, here.
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Gee, thanks for returning my call.
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How are you?
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ROB PETRIE (ON PHONE): Fine, Mr. Murdock.
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It's Ray, the people whose work I respect.
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Oh, sure, Ray.
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Ah, what can I do for you?
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BUDDY SORRELL: Send him a rope.
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Well, how about letting me X-ray you?
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I don't know, Ray.
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Some of my friends here tell me I'd be a fool to go on.
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[chuckles] No, I wouldn't give you a rough time.
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I only do that with people who are controversial
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or who like a good fight.
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No, uh, personal questions that might embarrass me.
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Forget it.
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Just straightforward questions about how a great comedy
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show like yours gets written.
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Nothing embarrassing there.
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No, of course not.
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RAY MURDOCK (ON PHONE): Well, then you'll do it.
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Well--
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RAY MURDOCK (ON PHONE): No, fine.
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Then I'll expect you here at 5:00.
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5:00?
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You shoot at 5:00 today?
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Don't forget your blindfold.
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It's only a five minute interview.
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You'll be out of there in no time.
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Listen, I'll have the secretary call you
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and give you all the details.
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And-- and Rob, I'm very indebted to you for this.
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I'll see you at 5:00.
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Here's another one.
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What?
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Oh, let her sue me.
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Well, he was, uh, very charming.
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BUDDY SORRELL: Yeah, before she hooked
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me, my wife with charming.
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Excuse me, are you the stage manager?
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Yeah.
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I'm-- I'm Robert Petrie.
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So?
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Well, Mr. Murdock's gonna, ah--
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gonna interview me today.
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Oh, you're the comedy writer?
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Yeah.
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Is Mr. Murdock here?
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No, he gets here about five seconds before we roll.
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Five seconds, isn't that calling it a little bit close?
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Well, you see, he doesn't like to meet
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the guest before the interview.
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Why not?
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Because he doesn't like to fraternize with his opponents.
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Tell me, is he as tough on some of his guests
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as I've heard he is?
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Well, that depends.
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On what?
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What side of the bed he got up on.
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Oh.
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Which side of the bed did he get up on this morning?
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RAY MURDOCK: This is my show and don't you forget it.
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Oh, hey, there.
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Uh-huh.
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I think he slept on the floor.
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OK.
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Yes, yes, he's here.
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They're ready for you, Mr. Petrie.
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Will you just sit right down there, please?
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Oh, yeah, thank you.
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All right, let me get this on you.
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Oh, don't strap me in too tight, warden.
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[chuckles] Yeah, just talk into there, huh?
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Yes.
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Is it all right if I smoke?
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Shh.
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ANNOUNCER: Tonight, Ray Murdock X-rays Robert Petrie.
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And here to turn the X-ray on Mr. Petrie is Ray Murdock.
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Mr. Robert Petrie is the chief writer
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of that popular weekly musical variety
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program, "The Alan Brady Show".
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Good evening, Rob.
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Oh, ah, good evening, Ray.
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[chuckles]
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Rob, are you married?
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Well, yeah.
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Yes, I am.
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Would you consider yourself happily married?
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Well, Ray, I'd--
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I'd rather not answer any personal questions,
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if you don't mind. [chuckles]
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Oh, I'm sorry.
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You don't have to answer that question if you'd rather not.
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Well, I'd rather not.
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I understand.
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You understand what, Ray?
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I understand that you would rather
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not talk about your marriage.
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Oh, no, wait a minute, Ray.
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Don't put me-- don't put words in my mouth.
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Don't put me in a corner.
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I'm happily married.
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It's just that I don't see what that
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has to do with what we agreed to talk about, comedy writing.
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Well, that's got a bit to do with comedy writing.
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Oh, well, I guess I just don't see that.
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Oh, you might if you let me question
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you without censoring me.
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Oh, I don't want to censor you, Ray.
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I mean, there's no need to be nervous.
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Oh I'm--
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I'm just-- I'm not nervous.
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Do you mind if I smoke?
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It's perfectly all right.
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Oh, thank you.
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Oh, I forgot to close the cover before striking.
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Ah, here I'll just put that out.
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I'm sorry.
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No, I don't want to censor you, Ray.
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Ah, you just fire away.
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Well, no pun intended.
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Well, I hope not.
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No, the reason I ask you about your marriage
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is I wondered how your wife feels being
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married to a comedy writer.
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Well, I'm afraid you'd have to ask--
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ask her that question, Ray.
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I thought we were gonna talk about comedy writing.
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Well, you, uh, run a lot of sketches with home
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life situations, don't you?
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Yes, we do.
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I see.
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Well, from what source do you get most of the material
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for these sketches, books you read, movies, other television
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plays, from life itself?
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Well, ah, observing life, I guess.
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Oh, come now, Mr. Petrie.
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Are you saying that television comedy
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writers observe life and then comment on it as say Mark Twain did?
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Yes.
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RAY MURDOCK: Mhm.
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Well, maybe not as well as Mark Twain did.
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Maybe not as well.
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Well, all right, then definitely not as well.
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But we do use life.
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Can you give me one example of a sketch you got from life?
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Yes.
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Ah-- um-- there was, um--
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we did eh-- um, wait.
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Um, we had the--
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I-- there was one way back we did, I remember.
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What was it?
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Have you done many of those?
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Yeah, 100, 100.
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But you can't seem to think of one?
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Well, you caught me unprepared here.
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I see.
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Well, we'll come back to that question
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a little later if you think of one.
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The one about, ah--
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No, wait a minute.
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Wait a minute, Ray.
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I'll give you half a dozen examples right now.
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We did one about-- about a wife who likes to open her husband's
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mail all the time, and she's embarrassed one day
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when a package comes and it contains
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an inflatable life raft, see.
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And she gets stuck in a closet with it.
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Well, then that's life.
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That's very amusing.
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We had one there where a wife varnished the-- the dining room
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chairs the same night that she was having a dinner party,
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you see.
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And three of the guests end up stuck to the chairs
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and had to go home without their pants.
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[chuckles] It happened.
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It actually happened.
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And then we had one where a wife is taking the little boy
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to school, see, and she's just wearing a robe and a nightgown.
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On the way back, she has a flat tire,
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right on the corner in front of where
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they're having a dedication ceremony for a brand new bank.
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[chuckles] And then we--
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[laughs] we had one were a newlywed wife
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pours turpentine instead of salad
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oil on her husband's salad.
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They had to pump my stomach.
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Now just-- just a minute now.
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Are you saying all these bizarre goings on actually
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happened to your wife?
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That's right, to my wife.
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And we wrote comedy sketches based
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on her actual experiences.
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I-- she has done some of the funniest things.
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She-- see, [clears throat] Ray.
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Let me say this.
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I-- I don't want you or your viewers
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to get the impression that my wife's some kind
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of a scatterbrain or something.
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Why would anyone get that impression?
265
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:53,641
Well, Ray, these things happened, all right,
266
00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:55,410
but they could have happened to anybody.
267
00:08:55,510 --> 00:08:58,012
Oh, sure anyone who drives around in her nightgown
268
00:08:58,112 --> 00:09:00,381
and mixes turpentine and salads--
269
00:09:00,481 --> 00:09:01,783
Well, Ray, now just a minute.
270
00:09:01,883 --> 00:09:04,352
What about all those humorous domestic quarrels
271
00:09:04,452 --> 00:09:06,988
Alan Brady does on the show, did you get those
272
00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:08,823
from your marital files too?
273
00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:11,959
Well, no, not all of them.
274
00:09:12,060 --> 00:09:14,996
Tell me, how does your wife feel about the whole country
275
00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:16,831
laughing at the things that she said to you
276
00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:18,099
in the privacy of your home?
277
00:09:18,199 --> 00:09:20,501
Well, ah, Ray, she, um--
278
00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:21,936
she understands.
279
00:09:22,036 --> 00:09:23,104
She knows I'm a comedy writer.
280
00:09:23,204 --> 00:09:24,405
And she forgives you for holding
281
00:09:24,505 --> 00:09:26,207
her up to national ridicule?
282
00:09:26,307 --> 00:09:29,610
Well, Ray, right up to this moment,
283
00:09:29,710 --> 00:09:34,148
I don't think the country was aware that, ah, those comedy
284
00:09:34,248 --> 00:09:36,751
sketches were, you know, based on my wife's
285
00:09:36,851 --> 00:09:38,319
actual experiences.
286
00:09:38,419 --> 00:09:40,922
Well, that's what we're here for to X-ray and enlighten.
287
00:09:41,022 --> 00:09:42,323
Well, Ray--
288
00:09:42,423 --> 00:09:45,226
I hope Robert Petrie's X-ray has shed some light
289
00:09:45,326 --> 00:09:47,695
on how a successful comedy writer collects
290
00:09:47,795 --> 00:09:49,097
grist for his humor mill.
291
00:09:49,197 --> 00:09:50,064
ROB PETRIE: Well, Ray, I'd like to straighten out
292
00:09:50,164 --> 00:09:51,532
a couple things.
293
00:09:51,632 --> 00:09:54,202
In just 60 seconds, I'll get back to turn my X-ray
294
00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:57,104
onto [inaudible] who for two years
295
00:09:57,205 --> 00:09:59,407
masqueraded as a dope addict.
296
00:09:59,507 --> 00:10:00,875
STAGE MANAGER: Cut! That's a print.
297
00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:01,809
Hey, listen--
298
00:10:01,909 --> 00:10:04,045
Mr. Murdock.
299
00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:05,012
Mis-- Mis--
300
00:10:05,113 --> 00:10:05,947
Hey, Rob.
301
00:10:06,047 --> 00:10:07,315
Hey, Rob.
302
00:10:07,415 --> 00:10:08,382
We were watching the show in the control room.
303
00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:09,584
I hope you don't mind.
304
00:10:09,684 --> 00:10:10,685
Hey, where do we send the flowers?
305
00:10:10,785 --> 00:10:11,986
You saw that fiasco?
306
00:10:12,086 --> 00:10:13,688
BUDDY SORRELL: Yeah, maybe you better sleep at my house
307
00:10:13,788 --> 00:10:14,789
for a couple of years.
308
00:10:14,889 --> 00:10:16,757
Did it really sound like I was rapping her?
309
00:10:16,858 --> 00:10:19,427
Well, it wasn't exactly a testimonial you did.
310
00:10:19,527 --> 00:10:21,262
Oh, boy, do I hope she was out shopping.
311
00:10:21,362 --> 00:10:22,530
Or varnishing chairs.
312
00:10:25,099 --> 00:10:26,033
Don't worry about it.
313
00:10:26,133 --> 00:10:27,335
Laura didn't see the program.
314
00:10:27,435 --> 00:10:28,302
How can you be so sure?
315
00:10:28,402 --> 00:10:29,570
Because it's taped.
316
00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:30,972
It doesn't go on until 8 o'clock tonight.
317
00:10:31,072 --> 00:10:32,473
I just asked one of the staff. - Huh?
318
00:10:32,573 --> 00:10:34,175
BUDDY SORRELL: Hey, you better go home and start
319
00:10:34,275 --> 00:10:35,676
busting television tools.
320
00:10:35,776 --> 00:10:38,679
Yeah, Laura-- Laura doesn't know this is on tonight.
321
00:10:38,779 --> 00:10:41,048
All I gotta do is keep her away from that television set.
322
00:10:41,148 --> 00:10:42,316
Well, Rob, is there anything we can do?
323
00:10:42,416 --> 00:10:43,651
ROB PETRIE: Yeah.
324
00:10:43,751 --> 00:10:45,152
About a couple of minutes before 8 o'clock--
325
00:10:45,253 --> 00:10:46,554
SALLY ROGERS: Yeah.
326
00:10:46,654 --> 00:10:48,723
--you call and tell Laura that you like her recipe
327
00:10:48,823 --> 00:10:50,458
for vichyssoise or something. - All right.
328
00:10:50,558 --> 00:10:51,792
Well, just to be on the safe side,
329
00:10:51,893 --> 00:10:53,227
I'll ask for the recipe for date nut bread too.
330
00:10:53,327 --> 00:10:54,428
ROB PETRIE: Yeah.
331
00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:55,463
If she ever sees this show, my wife is
332
00:10:55,563 --> 00:10:56,731
never gonna speak to me again.
333
00:10:56,831 --> 00:10:57,565
Yeah?
334
00:10:57,665 --> 00:10:58,866
Hey, how can I get on this show?
335
00:10:58,966 --> 00:10:59,901
Oh.
336
00:11:13,347 --> 00:11:14,849
Ah, honey, are you gonna watch television?
337
00:11:14,949 --> 00:11:16,384
Yeah, for a little while.
338
00:11:16,484 --> 00:11:17,985
Oh, that's too bad.
339
00:11:18,085 --> 00:11:19,086
Why?
340
00:11:19,186 --> 00:11:20,821
I was gonna fix it.
341
00:11:20,922 --> 00:11:21,989
What's the matter with it?
342
00:11:22,089 --> 00:11:24,625
Well, the vertical hold won't hold,
343
00:11:24,725 --> 00:11:27,929
and the linearity is going all like that.
344
00:11:28,029 --> 00:11:32,099
The linearity isn't going on like that at all.
345
00:11:32,199 --> 00:11:33,301
Well, honey, it goes in and out.
346
00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:34,635
It comes and goes.
347
00:11:34,735 --> 00:11:36,904
Ritchie all missed the cartoons on the credits.
348
00:11:37,004 --> 00:11:40,274
I'll just adjust it here.
349
00:11:40,374 --> 00:11:42,710
Oh, Rob, it was working well enough for me.
350
00:11:42,810 --> 00:11:44,412
Why don't you just leave it for now, darling?
351
00:11:44,512 --> 00:11:48,082
Well, honey, it's liable do all those crazy things
352
00:11:48,182 --> 00:11:49,584
just as the climax comes.
353
00:11:49,684 --> 00:11:51,218
But dear, I'm only going to watch for a little while.
354
00:11:51,319 --> 00:11:52,320
I think I'll get in bed and read.
355
00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:53,421
I'm kind of tired.
356
00:11:53,521 --> 00:11:54,722
Well, honey, look.
357
00:11:54,822 --> 00:11:56,324
If you're tired, why don't you go to bed now?
358
00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:57,858
I'll massage your shoulders for you.
359
00:11:57,959 --> 00:12:00,394
No, I'm just gonna watch for an hour or so.
360
00:12:00,494 --> 00:12:02,563
Ah, that's until 8:30, huh?
361
00:12:02,663 --> 00:12:03,397
Or 9:00.
362
00:12:03,497 --> 00:12:04,699
Would you plug it in, darling?
363
00:12:04,799 --> 00:12:07,068
Well, honey, what are you gonna watch?
364
00:12:07,168 --> 00:12:09,670
Nothing until you plug it in.
365
00:12:09,770 --> 00:12:15,409
Hey, as long as the plug's out, let's go to a movie, huh?
366
00:12:15,509 --> 00:12:18,045
Honey, I bet we haven't seen a movie since--
367
00:12:18,145 --> 00:12:19,280
Last night.
368
00:12:19,380 --> 00:12:20,648
Last night?
369
00:12:20,748 --> 00:12:22,917
I gotta get this watch fixed.
370
00:12:23,017 --> 00:12:24,151
Rob, plug.
371
00:12:24,252 --> 00:12:25,319
You want me to plug this in, huh?
372
00:12:25,419 --> 00:12:26,854
Would you?
373
00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:31,292
Well, I guess I can plug it in there for a little while.
374
00:12:31,392 --> 00:12:32,960
ANNOUNCER: And at 8 o'clock tonight, Ray
375
00:12:33,060 --> 00:12:34,929
Murdock X-rays the well-known--
376
00:12:35,029 --> 00:12:38,966
Oops, see, I pulled the plug out there, honey.
377
00:12:39,066 --> 00:12:40,301
The well-known who?
378
00:12:40,401 --> 00:12:42,003
I don't know, probably some well-known
379
00:12:42,103 --> 00:12:42,970
dope addict or something.
380
00:12:43,070 --> 00:12:44,372
I don't know.
381
00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:46,007
Gee, hon, these prongs seem to be spread too far.
382
00:12:46,107 --> 00:12:47,375
I can't get them in there.
383
00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:49,310
They won't go in there.
384
00:12:49,410 --> 00:12:51,112
Yeah, there.
385
00:12:51,212 --> 00:12:52,713
That's pretty snug.
386
00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:55,516
ANNOUNCER: [inaudible],, who for two years masqueraded as a--
387
00:12:55,616 --> 00:12:58,286
Was a snug prong there-- snug prong.
388
00:12:58,386 --> 00:12:59,253
What did he masquerade as?
389
00:12:59,353 --> 00:13:00,321
I didn't get that.
390
00:13:00,421 --> 00:13:02,423
ANNOUNCER: At 8 o'clock tonight.
391
00:13:02,523 --> 00:13:03,624
What time is it now, dear?
392
00:13:03,724 --> 00:13:05,760
Well, it's about a quarter of 8:00.
393
00:13:05,860 --> 00:13:08,362
Well, I guess I can wait until then.
394
00:13:08,462 --> 00:13:11,599
Hey, honey, you know something we
395
00:13:11,699 --> 00:13:13,601
haven't done for a long time?
396
00:13:13,701 --> 00:13:14,835
What?
397
00:13:14,935 --> 00:13:16,337
Well, something you've just been begging me to do.
398
00:13:16,437 --> 00:13:17,672
Rob, what are you doing?
399
00:13:17,772 --> 00:13:19,206
I told you, something you've been asking
400
00:13:19,306 --> 00:13:20,675
me to do for a long time.
401
00:13:20,775 --> 00:13:23,310
Rob, I never asked you to move furniture.
402
00:13:23,411 --> 00:13:25,212
I gotta start sometime.
403
00:13:25,312 --> 00:13:28,449
Rob, why are you doing this awful thing to our living room?
404
00:13:28,549 --> 00:13:31,018
And I told you for a good cause.
405
00:13:31,118 --> 00:13:31,952
OK.
406
00:13:32,053 --> 00:13:32,987
OK, I give up.
407
00:13:33,087 --> 00:13:34,488
Why have you emptied our room?
408
00:13:34,588 --> 00:13:37,725
So you and I can dance.
409
00:13:37,825 --> 00:13:39,393
What on Earth has gotten into you?
410
00:13:39,493 --> 00:13:42,063
A rhythmic impulse has gotten into me.
411
00:13:42,163 --> 00:13:44,532
Wait until you hear this recording that I've got here.
412
00:13:44,632 --> 00:13:46,233
Oh, darling, I don't think I can dance.
413
00:13:46,334 --> 00:13:47,768
I'm a little tired.
414
00:13:47,868 --> 00:13:51,572
Oh, boy, I feel like Don O'Connor, Fred Astaire and Gene
415
00:13:51,672 --> 00:13:53,474
Kelly all wrapped into one.
416
00:13:53,574 --> 00:13:55,276
I'm sorry, fellas, but I don't think I can
417
00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:56,577
keep up with any one of you.
418
00:13:56,677 --> 00:13:58,245
Oh, honey, come on, my little--
419
00:13:58,345 --> 00:13:59,380
my little dancing bunny.
420
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:00,514
Well, you used to tell me that you
421
00:14:00,614 --> 00:14:01,716
were never too tired to dance.
422
00:14:01,816 --> 00:14:02,783
I lied.
423
00:14:02,883 --> 00:14:05,353
Oh, honey, just put yourself in my hands
424
00:14:05,453 --> 00:14:06,987
and leave the dancing to us.
425
00:14:07,088 --> 00:14:08,089
Oh, Rob. No, I can't.
426
00:14:08,189 --> 00:14:09,123
Now come on.
427
00:15:14,822 --> 00:15:16,557
Thank you, Fred, Gene and Don.
428
00:15:16,657 --> 00:15:18,392
Honey, you're one-- look, let's do one more.
429
00:15:18,492 --> 00:15:19,727
No, Rob. I'm too tired.
430
00:15:19,827 --> 00:15:21,362
Come on, honey, this is a nice slow dreamy one.
431
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:23,264
You-- you love slow dreamy ones.
432
00:15:23,364 --> 00:15:24,365
You know something?
433
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:25,266
You're a nut.
434
00:15:25,366 --> 00:15:27,535
Oh, yeah.
435
00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:28,502
Don't answer, honey.
436
00:15:28,602 --> 00:15:29,970
It's probably just Sally.
437
00:15:30,070 --> 00:15:32,006
Well, no, darling, it might be something important.
438
00:15:32,106 --> 00:15:32,940
Hello?
439
00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:34,041
Sally, right?
440
00:15:34,141 --> 00:15:36,076
Yes, this is Mrs. Petrie.
441
00:15:36,177 --> 00:15:38,779
What, in five minutes?
442
00:15:38,879 --> 00:15:41,482
Yes, thank you very much.
443
00:15:41,582 --> 00:15:43,384
That was Ray Murdock's office saying your interview
444
00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:44,418
goes on in five minute.
445
00:15:44,518 --> 00:15:45,953
What interview? - Interview?
446
00:15:46,053 --> 00:15:47,054
Gee, what?
447
00:15:47,154 --> 00:15:49,290
Raymond Murdock, you say.
448
00:15:49,390 --> 00:15:50,291
I don't remember.
449
00:15:50,391 --> 00:15:51,659
It's some silly thing I did.
450
00:15:51,759 --> 00:15:53,427
Honey, come on, let's finish our dance, huh?
451
00:15:53,527 --> 00:15:54,728
No, Rob.
452
00:15:54,829 --> 00:15:55,863
We can finish the dance after the interview.
453
00:15:55,963 --> 00:15:57,198
No, let's finish it now, honey.
454
00:15:57,298 --> 00:15:58,365
Why do we have to finish it now?
455
00:15:58,465 --> 00:15:59,733
Well, you may not want to dance
456
00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:02,336
with me after the interview.
457
00:16:02,436 --> 00:16:04,705
Did you say something on that show you don't want me to hear?
458
00:16:04,805 --> 00:16:06,240
[gasps] No, honey.
459
00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:08,475
I'm just in the dancing mood.
460
00:16:08,576 --> 00:16:10,110
I don't get in a dancing mood very often, honey.
461
00:16:10,211 --> 00:16:11,979
Who knows when I'll get in a dancing mood again,
462
00:16:12,079 --> 00:16:12,913
may be years.
463
00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:13,881
[phone rings]
464
00:16:13,981 --> 00:16:16,417
Hold on.
465
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:17,518
Hi Sally.
466
00:16:17,618 --> 00:16:20,187
I mean, hello.
467
00:16:20,287 --> 00:16:21,956
Yes, she's here, just a minute.
468
00:16:22,056 --> 00:16:23,257
Hey, honey.
469
00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:26,060
Sally what's your recipe for cold vichyssoise and date
470
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:27,428
nut bread.
471
00:16:27,528 --> 00:16:28,662
Oh, would you tell her I'll call her back after the show.
472
00:16:28,762 --> 00:16:29,763
No, honey, it's an emergency.
473
00:16:29,864 --> 00:16:31,131
Come on.
474
00:16:31,232 --> 00:16:32,633
A vichyssoise emergency?
475
00:16:32,733 --> 00:16:34,068
Well, honey, I know it sounds silly,
476
00:16:34,168 --> 00:16:36,103
but if you don't give Sally this recipe right now--
477
00:16:36,203 --> 00:16:37,238
What'll happen?
478
00:16:37,338 --> 00:16:38,472
Well, two of her best friends are
479
00:16:38,572 --> 00:16:40,741
gonna have a terrible fight.
480
00:16:40,841 --> 00:16:41,842
I see.
481
00:16:41,942 --> 00:16:43,377
Well, tell Sally I'm gonna watch the show,
482
00:16:43,477 --> 00:16:46,881
but thank her for a good try.
483
00:16:46,981 --> 00:16:48,115
Forget it, Sal.
484
00:16:48,215 --> 00:16:50,084
No, she won't, she won't. That's all right.
485
00:16:50,184 --> 00:16:51,085
Thanks anyway.
486
00:16:57,491 --> 00:16:58,659
Don't touch that dial.
487
00:16:58,759 --> 00:17:00,361
Well, honey, the horizontal, it's off.
488
00:17:00,461 --> 00:17:03,497
Rob, go to your room!
489
00:17:03,597 --> 00:17:05,733
Can you please let me see the show?
490
00:17:08,836 --> 00:17:12,072
Hey, honey, this Murdock guy sure can put people in a hole.
491
00:17:12,172 --> 00:17:13,207
Rob, I can't hear.
492
00:17:13,307 --> 00:17:14,475
ANNOUNCER: --is Robert Petrie.
493
00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:15,876
Honey, look.
494
00:17:15,976 --> 00:17:17,177
There's nothing to hear, but awful lot of garbage.
495
00:17:17,278 --> 00:17:19,146
Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to hear
496
00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:20,748
every word of this garbage.
497
00:17:20,848 --> 00:17:22,783
And if you say one more word, I'll never speak to you again.
498
00:17:22,883 --> 00:17:23,918
OK.
499
00:17:24,018 --> 00:17:25,686
ANNOUNCER: Here to turn the X-ray on Mr. Petrie
500
00:17:25,786 --> 00:17:27,121
is Ray Murdock.
501
00:17:27,221 --> 00:17:28,756
RAY MURDOCK (ON TV): Mr. Robert Petrie--
502
00:17:28,856 --> 00:17:31,058
And don't go up on the roof to adjust the antenna.
503
00:17:34,228 --> 00:17:35,663
RAY MURDOCK (ON TV): Good evening, Rob.
504
00:17:35,763 --> 00:17:37,965
ROB PETRIE (ON TV): Oh, ah, good evening, Ray.
505
00:17:38,065 --> 00:17:40,067
RAY MURDOCK (ON TV): Rob, are you married?
506
00:17:40,167 --> 00:17:41,936
ROB PETRIE (ON TV): Well, yeah. Yes, I am.
507
00:17:42,036 --> 00:17:42,903
RAY MURDOCK (ON TV): Would you consider
508
00:17:43,003 --> 00:17:43,904
yourself happily married?
509
00:17:46,340 --> 00:17:48,142
--up to national ridicule?
510
00:17:48,242 --> 00:17:49,076
Well, what, Ray?
511
00:17:49,176 --> 00:17:51,378
[chuckles] Right up to this moment,
512
00:17:51,478 --> 00:17:55,916
I don't think the country was aware that, ah, those comedy
513
00:17:56,016 --> 00:17:58,519
sketches were, you know, based on my wife's
514
00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:00,087
actual experiences.
515
00:18:00,187 --> 00:18:03,157
Well, that's what we're here for, to X-ray and enlighten.
516
00:18:16,236 --> 00:18:18,138
[laughs] Wanna--
517
00:18:18,238 --> 00:18:19,206
wanna finish our dance?
518
00:18:22,776 --> 00:18:23,877
Our marriage?
519
00:18:27,014 --> 00:18:29,516
Why, you're angry, aren't you, honey?
520
00:18:29,617 --> 00:18:30,818
What, I don't blame you.
521
00:18:30,918 --> 00:18:32,853
I was plenty upset about it too.
522
00:18:32,953 --> 00:18:35,022
Well, you could-- I was trapped, you could tell that.
523
00:18:35,122 --> 00:18:38,926
I was trying to extricate myself from it, honey.
524
00:18:39,026 --> 00:18:41,895
Honey, look, you know how I really feel about you.
525
00:18:41,996 --> 00:18:47,835
You told the whole world that you married a nut!
526
00:18:47,935 --> 00:18:49,436
Not the world, it's a local show.
527
00:18:49,536 --> 00:18:52,740
(WHIMPERING) I've never been so humiliated in my whole life.
528
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,909
You told everyone about my private mistakes.
529
00:18:56,010 --> 00:18:57,645
Is there nothing sacred?
530
00:18:57,745 --> 00:18:59,046
I won't be able to go outside anymore.
531
00:18:59,146 --> 00:18:59,913
--on that show.
532
00:19:00,014 --> 00:19:01,115
I won't be able to show my face
533
00:19:01,215 --> 00:19:02,483
because everybody is going to point
534
00:19:02,583 --> 00:19:05,753
and say, look, there goes the nut.
535
00:19:05,853 --> 00:19:08,622
Honey, I didn't do it to ridicule you.
536
00:19:08,722 --> 00:19:11,191
Well, if you did it not to ridicule me, Rob,
537
00:19:11,291 --> 00:19:13,627
you failed miserably.
538
00:19:13,727 --> 00:19:14,928
Laura, you know something?
539
00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:16,997
I think you're taking this too seriously.
540
00:19:17,097 --> 00:19:18,098
Am I?
541
00:19:18,198 --> 00:19:20,067
Well, you don't have to go to the supermarket
542
00:19:20,167 --> 00:19:21,635
and the beauty parlor and the PTA
543
00:19:21,735 --> 00:19:23,771
and hear the hoots and the snickers.
544
00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:25,439
Honey, what hoots and snickers?
545
00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:26,940
Now, if you'll think back, you'll
546
00:19:27,041 --> 00:19:28,676
remember that I didn't say one thing that could
547
00:19:28,776 --> 00:19:30,444
provoke any hoots and snickers.
548
00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:34,248
Oh, [gasps] sending people home without their pants?
549
00:19:34,348 --> 00:19:35,416
You don't think--
550
00:19:35,516 --> 00:19:36,350
Oh, honey.
551
00:19:36,450 --> 00:19:37,518
All right, I apologize.
552
00:19:37,618 --> 00:19:38,886
But believe me, nobody's gonna think
553
00:19:38,986 --> 00:19:40,287
you're a kook or anything.
554
00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:42,790
I bet you none of your friends even saw that show.
555
00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:44,658
How can you be so sure?
556
00:19:44,758 --> 00:19:45,859
Because, honey, if they saw it,
557
00:19:45,959 --> 00:19:47,261
you can bet that that phone--
558
00:19:47,361 --> 00:19:49,530
[phone rings]
559
00:19:49,630 --> 00:19:50,931
--would be ringing.
560
00:19:54,535 --> 00:19:56,970
I'll get it.
561
00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:58,072
Hello?
562
00:19:58,172 --> 00:20:00,340
Ah, well, yeah, just a minute.
563
00:20:00,441 --> 00:20:01,942
She's-- she's here.
564
00:20:02,042 --> 00:20:07,548
Honey, it's a lady calling for you and she is not snickering.
565
00:20:07,648 --> 00:20:09,016
She'll be right with you.
566
00:20:12,252 --> 00:20:14,955
Can I help you?
567
00:20:15,055 --> 00:20:16,957
Well, I'm-- I'm sorry, my wife just
568
00:20:17,057 --> 00:20:19,426
stepped under a cold shower.
569
00:20:19,526 --> 00:20:21,995
That's not a bad idea, honey.
570
00:20:22,096 --> 00:20:22,830
What?
571
00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:24,631
Oh, you saw it.
572
00:20:24,732 --> 00:20:27,868
Well, ah, yeah, they're true.
573
00:20:27,968 --> 00:20:29,937
Yeah, she did.
574
00:20:30,037 --> 00:20:31,638
Well, I'm awfully sorry, but I can't
575
00:20:31,738 --> 00:20:34,541
think of any more stories.
576
00:20:34,641 --> 00:20:36,376
I beg you pardon.
577
00:20:36,477 --> 00:20:38,912
Well, yeah, a great deal.
578
00:20:39,012 --> 00:20:42,683
Well, no, I'm afraid you have to ask her that question.
579
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:45,652
Ah, she's still in the shower.
580
00:20:45,753 --> 00:20:46,553
No.
581
00:20:46,653 --> 00:20:47,488
No, Mrs. Thorley.
582
00:20:47,588 --> 00:20:48,722
No, I'll remember.
583
00:20:48,822 --> 00:20:50,390
Wait, oh, I got the number.
584
00:20:50,491 --> 00:20:51,325
Huh?
585
00:20:51,425 --> 00:20:52,559
Got it, good.
586
00:20:52,659 --> 00:20:55,062
Yeah, I'll tell her to call, but I'm afraid she's not
587
00:20:55,162 --> 00:20:56,597
going to be interested in that.
588
00:20:56,697 --> 00:20:57,531
Yeah, you're welcome.
589
00:20:57,631 --> 00:20:58,532
Goodbye.
590
00:21:01,135 --> 00:21:02,703
That was Mrs. Thorley.
591
00:21:02,803 --> 00:21:04,238
She wants you to call her back.
592
00:21:04,338 --> 00:21:07,975
And you say I'm not gonna hear from my friends about this.
593
00:21:08,075 --> 00:21:11,812
That's Mrs. Thorley calling, and I've never even heard of her.
594
00:21:11,912 --> 00:21:14,948
[sobbing]
595
00:21:15,048 --> 00:21:17,951
Well, honey, aren't you gonna call her back?
596
00:21:18,051 --> 00:21:21,755
She was-- she was mighty anxious to talk to you.
597
00:21:21,855 --> 00:21:26,126
Well, I'm impressed, very, very impressed.
598
00:21:26,226 --> 00:21:28,629
You're really getting up in the world.
599
00:21:28,729 --> 00:21:30,764
Boy, I don't know.
600
00:21:30,864 --> 00:21:33,700
I'm a-- I'm a big television comedy writer.
601
00:21:33,801 --> 00:21:36,203
Mrs. [inaudible] never called me.
602
00:21:36,303 --> 00:21:41,275
No, sir, not the editor of "Home and House" magazine.
603
00:21:48,115 --> 00:21:49,383
What did she want?
604
00:21:49,483 --> 00:21:51,318
Oh, I don't know some--
605
00:21:51,418 --> 00:21:52,886
some kind of an interview with you, honey.
606
00:21:52,986 --> 00:21:54,087
I don't know what it was.
607
00:21:54,188 --> 00:21:55,422
It seems like they're doing a feature
608
00:21:55,522 --> 00:21:57,691
on the-- on the woman behind the men or some
609
00:21:57,791 --> 00:21:59,092
silly thing like that.
610
00:21:59,193 --> 00:22:01,562
She wanted to do an interview about me?
611
00:22:01,662 --> 00:22:03,130
Oh, yes, of course she did.
612
00:22:03,230 --> 00:22:05,799
She has some ridiculous idea that you were the inspiration
613
00:22:05,899 --> 00:22:07,134
in all my work that I do.
614
00:22:07,234 --> 00:22:10,971
[chuckles] Where did she get an idea like that?
615
00:22:11,071 --> 00:22:12,306
You know what she said?
616
00:22:12,406 --> 00:22:13,841
She said what a lucky guy I am to have such
617
00:22:13,941 --> 00:22:17,578
a creative wife, silly woman.
618
00:22:17,678 --> 00:22:19,413
She wants to write about me?
619
00:22:19,513 --> 00:22:21,181
Oh, yeah, but I told her you probably
620
00:22:21,281 --> 00:22:22,950
wouldn't be interested anyway.
621
00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:24,251
You know what she asked me?
622
00:22:24,351 --> 00:22:25,953
She asked me if you ever did or suggested
623
00:22:26,053 --> 00:22:28,322
anything else that I used to write about on the show?
624
00:22:28,422 --> 00:22:30,390
And I said I couldn't think of anything.
625
00:22:30,490 --> 00:22:33,760
Now actually that's true, there isn't anything else.
626
00:22:33,860 --> 00:22:36,597
I guess we won't be needing this.
627
00:22:36,697 --> 00:22:37,631
There.
628
00:22:52,679 --> 00:22:56,216
New Rochelle, 69970.
629
00:22:56,316 --> 00:22:57,818
LAURA PETRIE: Boy, oh, boy, Robert Petrie.
630
00:22:57,918 --> 00:23:00,454
It's fine for you to make fun of me on your television show.
631
00:23:00,554 --> 00:23:02,623
But the minute I get a chance to vindicate
632
00:23:02,723 --> 00:23:04,558
myself, oh, that's different.
633
00:23:04,658 --> 00:23:06,326
Hello, Mrs. Thorley?
634
00:23:06,426 --> 00:23:08,028
Well, this is Laura Petrie calling,
635
00:23:08,128 --> 00:23:09,630
my husband just told me.
636
00:23:09,730 --> 00:23:10,664
Yes.
637
00:23:10,764 --> 00:23:13,600
Oh, I would just love to.
638
00:23:13,700 --> 00:23:15,302
No, gee, I don't know what--
639
00:23:15,402 --> 00:23:17,271
what Josephine did for Napoleon, but I do
640
00:23:17,371 --> 00:23:18,705
know what I've done for my Rob.
641
00:23:18,805 --> 00:23:21,808
[chuckles] Lunch on Thursday?
642
00:23:21,908 --> 00:23:22,976
Well, I'd love to.
643
00:23:23,076 --> 00:23:24,611
But why don't we have lunch tonight?
644
00:23:24,711 --> 00:23:26,113
Yeah.
645
00:23:26,213 --> 00:23:28,215
You can over to mine, or I can come over to your house
646
00:23:28,315 --> 00:23:30,317
or you can come over here or we could meet halfway.
647
00:23:30,417 --> 00:23:32,185
Whatever you say, Mrs. Thorley.
648
00:23:32,286 --> 00:23:33,954
Oh, yes, there are hundreds of others.
649
00:23:34,054 --> 00:23:35,489
I can tell you all about them.
650
00:23:35,589 --> 00:23:37,758
I can go from A right down to Z. They're all hysterical.
651
00:23:37,858 --> 00:23:38,659
They're wonderful.
652
00:23:38,759 --> 00:23:40,327
I am the nut, yes.
653
00:23:44,197 --> 00:23:46,133
Come on, Rob, try to think now because I have to meet Mrs.
654
00:23:46,233 --> 00:23:48,602
Thorley tomorrow and I want to have as many things as possible
655
00:23:48,702 --> 00:23:49,803
to tell her.
656
00:23:49,903 --> 00:23:51,638
What other kooky things did I inspire?
657
00:23:51,738 --> 00:23:53,640
Well, there was a time you were
658
00:23:53,740 --> 00:23:54,908
a week late for the wedding--
659
00:23:55,008 --> 00:23:55,842
Oh, good.
660
00:23:55,942 --> 00:23:57,377
ROB PETRIE: Yeah.
661
00:23:57,477 --> 00:24:01,948
And, ah, when you put the starch in my swimming trunks.
662
00:24:02,049 --> 00:24:04,351
Got that.
663
00:24:04,451 --> 00:24:06,453
All right, so I can't think of anything else, honey.
664
00:24:06,553 --> 00:24:09,756
Oh, darling, there must be lots more that I inspired.
665
00:24:09,856 --> 00:24:12,225
I think it's about it.
666
00:24:12,326 --> 00:24:16,863
Hey, how about the time that you lost your wedding
667
00:24:16,964 --> 00:24:17,998
ring in a muffin?
668
00:24:18,098 --> 00:24:22,602
Good, goo-- when did I do that?
669
00:24:22,703 --> 00:24:23,637
Well, I don't know.
670
00:24:23,737 --> 00:24:26,173
When did you make these muffins?
671
00:24:26,273 --> 00:24:29,476
Oh, Rob, I thought I'd lost it.
672
00:24:29,576 --> 00:24:30,844
I was so worried.
673
00:24:30,944 --> 00:24:34,414
I-- well, you know, this will be the funniest one of all.
674
00:24:37,651 --> 00:24:41,154
[theme song]
47865
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