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[theme music playing]
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ANNOUNCER 1: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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ANNOUNCER 2: And now live from New
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York, "The Alan Brady Show."
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[applause]
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And now here's the star of our show,
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the man who gives you laughter as a gift all year round,
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Alan Brady.
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[applause]
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Ladies and gentlemen, tonight--
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tonight our show's going to be a little different.
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You see, it's a special show.
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And to tell you all about it I'd like
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to bring out the head writer of "The Alan Brady Show,"
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Robert Petrie.
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Come on out, Rob.
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[applause]
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Come on, walk in.
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Hey, Rob.
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Tell 'em all about our show.
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Well, what are you going to do?
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Well, somebody's got to feed these poor reindeer.
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Donna, Blitzen, Betty, come on.
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Ladies-- ladies--
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hi.
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Oh, that-- oh.
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Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to explain
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why we're here this eve--
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instead of-- instead of our regular show, Alan--
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Alan has asked me do something a little different this year on--
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on the show.
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And I'd like to explain what--
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what it is that we're going to do.
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Al-- and I will--
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I will explain what we're going to do
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right after this very important message
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from-- from our sponsor.
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[band playing]
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Hello, ladies and gentlemen, we're
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back now to tell you what--
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what-- why-- why we're all here.
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Actually it all started about a week ago.
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Buddy Sorrell, Sally Rogers, and myself
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had-- were just kind of lounging around our office there.
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And we had written a show and turned it into Mr. Brady.
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We were in a holiday spirit.
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This Christmas lists gets a little longer every year.
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[rickety knocking]
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Is that-- somebody's kicking at the door.
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Either that or the termites are taking dancing lessons.
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Hey!
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Look at that.
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Rob, that's got to be Laura, or Santa Claus
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has got the wildest legs I ever saw.
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Funny feeling in my wallet that's Laura behind there.
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Oh, will you stop with the jokes and help me.
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Oh, boy, what a haul!
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Oh, just what I always wanted, a beautiful wife.
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Not so sure you're going to want me when the bills come in.
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Uh-huh.
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Well, who cares.
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Boy, when Alan seas our Christmas script,
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he's going to give us a bonus and the rest of the week off.
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- Wee! - Rob?
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I just wanted-- oh, all right, let's have it.
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Welcome, Mel, and season's greetings.
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That's all, no insult?
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Never on the holidays.
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Hey, Mel, how'd Alan like the script?
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Well, the first thing I want to tell you
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is that Alan was crazy about it, every word.
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All right!
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Beautiful!
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[interposing voices]
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Take some of these.
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[whistles] Wait.
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Mel, what is the second thing you wanted to say?
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We're not using the script.
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Huh?
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We're not using it?
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Why aren't we using it?
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What is it that everyone says "The Alan Brady Show" lacks?
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A good producer.
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What are you talking about, Mel?
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They say it lacks heart warmth.
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Well, if you want heart warmth, all you have to do
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is eat a large pizza before you go to bed.
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Mel, that script had heart.
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It had warmth, plus an awful lot of our brains in it.
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I don't see why you told Alan not to use it.
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Because somebody gave him a big mouth and he
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opened it before Christmas.
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If you'll all be quiet and listen to my explanation,
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you'll understand.
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Oh, Laura, this will be of special interest to you.
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Me?
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Yes.
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I simply told Alan that we-- since we
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had so many talented people on our staff
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and behind the scenes, this would be a good opportunity
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for the audiences to meet them and their families,
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sort of a Christmas party.
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"The Perry Como Show" used to do that.
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- Exactly. - Yeah.
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Exactly.
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In other words, Mel, we all perform, huh?
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Well, you do so well at parties.
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Well, a network television show is a pretty big party.
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Yeah, what does Alan want us to do?
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Well, anything you want.
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Oh, good.
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Then during the commercials I'll advertise for a fella.
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Might be kind of fun.
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What do you think, honey?
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Well, I don't know.
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Oh, you mean you don't think it's a good idea, Laura?
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I don't know whether I'll sing or dance or both.
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Maybe you and I should do a number together?
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Oh. We'll do it, Mel.
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But we're going to have to change the name of the show
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to an evening with Laura Petrie.
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Oh.
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No, no, no, no, no.
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The show will be called "Alan Brady Presents."
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Presents what?
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Well, that's what we'll have to figure
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out between now and Christmas.
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Well, let's see what they figured out.
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Ready, Rob?
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Ready now.
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[music playing]
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Ladies and gentlemen, many great men have
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been immortalized in song--
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Davy Crockett and his cap, Casey and his bat,
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John Brown and his body, not to forget
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Yankee Doodle and his dandy.
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Tonight we immortalize yet another great man in song.
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[plays notes]
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[plays note]
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(SINGING) Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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[applause]
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[speaking] Oh.
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[sniffs] [hums a note]
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(SINGING) Alan Brady, Alan Brady, Alan Brady, Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Buddy Sorrell.
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[applause]
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[speaking] OK.
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[applause]
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[hums note]
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(SINGING) Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Sally Rogers.
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[applause]
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[speaking] We will begin again, if you please.
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[hums note]
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(SINGING) Laura Petrie.
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[applause]
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(SINGING) Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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[speaking] I can trust him.
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He's Alan Brady's brother-in-law.
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[speaking] Melvin Cooley.
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[applause]
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Robert Petrie.
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[applause]
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S Claus, North Pole.
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Dear Santa, (SINGING) I recall each Christmas
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when I was a child.
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Santa's gifts would make my little heart grow wild.
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But now that I'm a woman fully grown,
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there's just one gift I'd really love to own.
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[swing music playing]
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Santa, send a fella into my life,
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someone who is shopping around for a wife.
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I would like to order something Cary Grant-y.
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But I'd even settle for a James Durante.
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Santa, send a fella.
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That's my request.
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As long as he's still breathing, he passes the test.
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I get the fancy paper and the pretty bow.
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Just him them up, Santa, let him go.
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Now, your answer may be, dear madam,
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it's better to give than to receive.
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And my reply will be, you're right.
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Give me an Adam on Christmas Eve.
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I'll be waiting, Santa.
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Don't let me down.
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There must be lots of bachelors all over town.
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If he's older, younger, shorter, tall, he's my cup of tea.
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Santa, send a fella to me.
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If Mr. Cupid knows about my lack of affection,
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how come is arrows have such a lousy sense of direction?
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They say the Army builds men.
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I wish they'd build one for me.
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Santa, send a fella to me-- ee.
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[applause]
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MAN: Package for Miss Sally Rogers.
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Package for Miss Sally Rogers.
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Package?
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For me?
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Gee, I ordered a fella.
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Maybe-- Uh!
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[applause]
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Maybe I should have been a little more specific.
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What'd you expect?
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It's the end of the season.
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You're lucky to get anything.
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I asked Santa to send me something
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with a shape like this.
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Look what I got.
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Now a little musical Christmas gift for you folk out there.
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[piano playing]
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Wait a minute!
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Wait a minute!
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I'm playing a cello solo.
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What is this?
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Well, I'm going to accompany you.
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I don't need any accompaniment.
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Why not?
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Jascha Heifetz has as a whole symphony behind him.
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Yeah, he's afraid to play alone.
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Not me.
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This is a solo instrument, and I am soloing.
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Well, now, look, don't worry.
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I'll play so soft you can hardly know I'm here.
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I hope so.
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I'll give you an arpeggio.
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Listen.
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See?
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You don't even know I'm here.
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I thought you left.
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Don't forget it's my solo.
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OK.
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[cello playing]
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[piano playing]
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Your shoe, I believe.
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Next time my foot.
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My solo.
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This is the Christmas season.
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Give a little.
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I'm sorry.
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It's just every time I hear a song I just have to play it.
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Any song you don't know?
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Just one.
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BUDDY SORRELL: What's that?
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"Jingle Bells."
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You don't know "Jingle Bells?"
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No.
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[plays "jingle bells"]
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[piano playing]
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Wait a minute!
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I thought you didn't know "Jingle Bells."
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I didn't know that was "Jingle Bells!"
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[indistinct arguing]
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Merry Christmas!
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Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
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Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!
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Oh, Merry Christmas!
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Ho, ho, ho, ho!
274
00:15:09,750 --> 00:15:10,417
Oh, ho!
275
00:15:10,518 --> 00:15:11,986
Merry Christmas!
276
00:15:12,086 --> 00:15:13,320
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
277
00:15:13,420 --> 00:15:15,856
Ho ho.
278
00:15:15,956 --> 00:15:17,391
Oh.
279
00:15:17,491 --> 00:15:19,360
Hey, Santa, doesn't look like you're
280
00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:22,363
doing too well over there.
281
00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:23,597
Hey, you know something?
282
00:15:23,697 --> 00:15:25,332
I think I know what your trouble is.
283
00:15:25,432 --> 00:15:28,135
You're not ho-ho-ing enough.
284
00:15:28,235 --> 00:15:31,005
I don't believe I've seen you do one ho all day.
285
00:15:31,105 --> 00:15:34,108
Come one, let me see you give out with a ho, ho, ho.
286
00:15:34,208 --> 00:15:35,676
(WOMAN'S VOICE) Ho, ho, ho.
287
00:15:43,184 --> 00:15:46,353
Take off that beard.
288
00:15:46,454 --> 00:15:47,788
Ah-ha!
289
00:15:47,888 --> 00:15:49,690
You didn't fool me for a minute.
290
00:15:49,790 --> 00:15:50,858
You're no Santa Claus.
291
00:15:50,958 --> 00:15:52,159
You're a lady.
292
00:15:52,259 --> 00:15:54,962
Sir, please don't tell the Santa Claus people on me.
293
00:15:55,062 --> 00:15:57,665
Who's gonna tell?
294
00:15:57,765 --> 00:15:58,999
I'm glad you're a lady.
295
00:15:59,099 --> 00:16:00,367
- You are? - Yeah.
296
00:16:00,467 --> 00:16:02,203
You know, as a matter of fact, I've been standing over here
297
00:16:02,303 --> 00:16:06,974
all day saying, that Santa Claus over there is driving me crazy.
298
00:16:07,074 --> 00:16:11,345
I never-- I never smelled such a sweet Santa Claus.
299
00:16:11,445 --> 00:16:12,746
Thank you.
300
00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:14,915
Say, you sound very young yourself to be a Santa.
301
00:16:15,015 --> 00:16:18,052
As a matter of fact, I am rather young.
302
00:16:18,152 --> 00:16:24,625
[gasps]
303
00:16:24,725 --> 00:16:27,695
As a matter of fact, I actually do this just because.
304
00:16:27,795 --> 00:16:29,063
You need the money too?
305
00:16:29,163 --> 00:16:32,433
No, I am a wealthy young playboy in disguise.
306
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:35,169
And I think that I love you.
307
00:16:35,269 --> 00:16:38,138
Will you come away with me and we'll be married on my yacht?
308
00:16:38,239 --> 00:16:39,406
Oh, go on.
309
00:16:39,506 --> 00:16:42,076
You don't have any yacht.
310
00:16:42,176 --> 00:16:44,345
Are you kidding?
311
00:16:44,445 --> 00:16:46,113
That's the smallest thing I own!
312
00:16:49,583 --> 00:16:52,186
(SINGING) I got a summer place in Newport.
313
00:16:52,286 --> 00:16:53,487
[speaking] That's rich!
314
00:16:53,587 --> 00:16:55,322
(SINGING) When the snow flies I'm in Nice.
315
00:16:55,422 --> 00:16:56,624
[speaking] Nice is nice.
316
00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:58,525
(SINGING) I could name a couple of Broadway
317
00:16:58,626 --> 00:17:00,828
shows in which I have a piece.
318
00:17:00,928 --> 00:17:02,229
[speaking] "My Fair Lady?"
319
00:17:02,329 --> 00:17:05,266
(SINGING) I've got yards and yards of green backs
320
00:17:05,366 --> 00:17:06,934
and a diamond mine are two.
321
00:17:07,034 --> 00:17:08,535
[speaking] Why are you telling me all this?
322
00:17:08,636 --> 00:17:11,972
(SINGING) It seems that I have everything but you.
323
00:17:12,072 --> 00:17:13,841
[speaking] Look, money isn't everything.
324
00:17:13,941 --> 00:17:16,377
(SINGING) I got a voice like Perry Como.
325
00:17:16,477 --> 00:17:17,645
[speaking] Ooh, he's good.
326
00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:18,946
(SINGING) I can act like Shirley Booth.
327
00:17:19,046 --> 00:17:20,614
[speaking] Didn't she win an Emmy?
328
00:17:20,714 --> 00:17:23,751
(SINGING) And they say that I look just like Stanley
329
00:17:23,851 --> 00:17:26,220
Laurel in his youth.
330
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:31,425
I can trip the light fantastic like Astaire and Kelly do.
331
00:17:31,525 --> 00:17:32,826
[speaking] Aw, you're marvelous.
332
00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:36,230
(SINGING) It seems that I have everything but you.
333
00:17:38,933 --> 00:17:41,535
I'm the last of the red-hot spenders.
334
00:17:41,635 --> 00:17:44,572
I'm the chairman of the board.
335
00:17:44,672 --> 00:17:47,675
I lend to money lenders.
336
00:17:47,775 --> 00:17:49,543
There's nothing I can't afford.
337
00:17:49,643 --> 00:17:50,711
[speaking] Oh, boy!
338
00:17:50,811 --> 00:17:52,212
(SINGING) I got a wild imagination.
339
00:17:52,313 --> 00:17:53,581
[speaking] That I believe!
340
00:17:53,681 --> 00:17:56,817
(SINGING) So it comes as no surprise.
341
00:17:56,917 --> 00:17:59,653
All the things that I've been telling you
342
00:17:59,753 --> 00:18:01,555
are just a pack of lies.
343
00:18:01,655 --> 00:18:02,823
[speaking] I knew it!
344
00:18:02,923 --> 00:18:05,592
(SINGING) Though my office may be empty
345
00:18:05,693 --> 00:18:10,431
and my talents may be few, I know that I'd
346
00:18:10,531 --> 00:18:14,134
have everything if I had you.
347
00:18:39,293 --> 00:18:42,796
(SINGING) You're the handsomest-looking fella,
348
00:18:42,896 --> 00:18:46,500
and I'll never let you go.
349
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:53,607
So won't you come and join me right under the mistletoe.
350
00:18:53,707 --> 00:18:55,576
You got a voice like Louis Armstrong.
351
00:18:55,676 --> 00:18:56,844
Yeah, yeah.
352
00:18:56,944 --> 00:18:59,246
(SINGING) And your actions are uncouth.
353
00:18:59,346 --> 00:19:02,950
And I think that all the gold you have
354
00:19:03,050 --> 00:19:05,819
could hardly fill a tooth.
355
00:19:05,919 --> 00:19:11,759
Though your pockets may be empty and your talents may be few,
356
00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:17,331
if this is a proposal then I'll say--
357
00:19:17,431 --> 00:19:20,300
I do.
358
00:19:20,401 --> 00:19:22,970
[applause]
359
00:19:32,613 --> 00:19:35,783
[music, "little drummer boy"]
360
00:19:38,919 --> 00:19:45,192
(SINGING) Come, they told me, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
361
00:19:48,328 --> 00:19:54,501
A newborn king to see, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
362
00:19:57,404 --> 00:20:01,108
I have no gift to bring--
363
00:20:01,208 --> 00:20:08,048
pah-rum, pum-pum, pum-- that's fit to give
364
00:20:08,148 --> 00:20:13,620
our king, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum, rum, pah-pum,
365
00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:16,290
pum, rum, pah-pum, pum.
366
00:20:18,492 --> 00:20:29,336
Shall I play for you, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum, on my drum?
367
00:20:36,977 --> 00:20:43,283
Mary nodded, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
368
00:20:46,019 --> 00:20:52,426
The ox and lamb kept time, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
369
00:20:55,229 --> 00:21:01,368
I played my drum for him, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
370
00:21:04,571 --> 00:21:10,077
I played my best for him, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum, rum,
371
00:21:10,177 --> 00:21:14,348
pum-pum, pum, rum pum-pum, pum.
372
00:21:21,655 --> 00:21:32,432
Then he smiled at me, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum, me and my drum.
373
00:21:36,403 --> 00:21:37,371
Me and my drum.
374
00:21:42,743 --> 00:21:45,345
[applause]
375
00:21:52,686 --> 00:21:55,289
[military-style music playing]
376
00:21:57,057 --> 00:21:59,693
(SINGING) I am a fine musician.
377
00:21:59,793 --> 00:22:01,528
I practice every day.
378
00:22:01,628 --> 00:22:05,499
And people come from miles around just to hear me play.
379
00:22:05,599 --> 00:22:09,870
Mu trum-- my trumpet, they love to hear my trumpet.
380
00:22:09,970 --> 00:22:11,972
Tah-dah-dah-dah, tut, tut, tut-tut tut,
381
00:22:12,072 --> 00:22:14,174
tuh, tuh tut, tut, tuh.
382
00:22:17,244 --> 00:22:19,780
(SINGING) I am a fine musician.
383
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:21,448
And I get lots of pay.
384
00:22:21,548 --> 00:22:25,519
And when I play my tuba people throw money my way.
385
00:22:25,619 --> 00:22:29,656
My tuba, my tuba, they love to hear my tuba.
386
00:22:29,756 --> 00:22:33,227
Oompah, oompah, oompah-oompah, oompah, oompah, oom-pah-oom.
387
00:22:33,327 --> 00:22:35,395
(SINGING) Tat-tadda-tat tat, tat-dadda-tat,
388
00:22:35,495 --> 00:22:38,065
tat, tat, tat, tat, tat.
389
00:22:41,869 --> 00:22:43,770
(SINGING) I am a fine musician.
390
00:22:43,870 --> 00:22:45,806
My music is so gay.
391
00:22:45,906 --> 00:22:49,610
And everybody dances when they hear me play.
392
00:22:49,710 --> 00:22:54,014
My trombone, my trombone, they love to hear my trombone.
393
00:22:54,114 --> 00:22:55,782
Da, da, dun-dun, da.
394
00:22:55,882 --> 00:22:57,351
Da, da-da, da, da-dun da.
395
00:22:57,451 --> 00:23:09,863
[ALL VOCALIZING THEIR INSTRUMENT SOUNDS]
396
00:23:09,963 --> 00:23:11,865
(SINGING) I am a fine musician.
397
00:23:11,965 --> 00:23:13,600
That's what the people say.
398
00:23:13,700 --> 00:23:17,671
And all the children follow me when they hear me play.
399
00:23:17,771 --> 00:23:21,775
My piccolo, my piccolo, they love to hear my piccolo.
400
00:23:21,875 --> 00:23:23,877
Deedle-ee, dee, dee, deedle-ee dee, dee.
401
00:23:23,977 --> 00:23:25,812
Deedle, deedle, dee, dee, deedle, deedle, dee.
402
00:23:25,912 --> 00:23:36,490
[ALL VOCALIZING THEIR INSTRUMENT SOUNDS]
403
00:23:36,590 --> 00:23:39,660
(SINGING) We all are fine musicians.
404
00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:41,495
We practice every day.
405
00:23:41,595 --> 00:23:45,499
And if you'd like to join us we'll show you the way.
406
00:23:45,599 --> 00:23:46,433
Come join us.
407
00:23:46,533 --> 00:23:47,567
Come join us.
408
00:23:47,668 --> 00:23:49,436
Just take a part and join us.
409
00:23:49,536 --> 00:23:52,306
[ALL VOCALIZING THEIR INSTRUMENT SOUNDS]
410
00:24:00,947 --> 00:24:02,082
(SINGING) Deedle-ee, dee, dee.
411
00:24:02,182 --> 00:24:04,117
Deedle-ee, dee, dee.
412
00:24:04,217 --> 00:24:05,952
Deedle, deedle, dee-- dee--
413
00:24:06,053 --> 00:24:07,287
[tearfully] deedle-deedle, dee.
414
00:24:11,058 --> 00:24:13,660
[applause]
415
00:24:21,034 --> 00:24:23,637
[HUMMING "THE DICK VAN DYKE" THEME MUSIC]
416
00:24:33,780 --> 00:24:36,750
[theme music playing]
417
00:25:06,747 --> 00:25:08,382
.
28844
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