All language subtitles for Workaholics s01e10 In The Line Of Getting Fired.eng

All right,
I got a serious question.

For $100,000 would
you suck a man's penis?

A man's penis?
I don't know.

Yeah, you get to pick the dude.

- So final dick approval?
- All yours.

Choose any dick I want to?

Whoever's dick,
except for me and Blake's.

- All right.
- Well...

Then yeah, totally.
Definitely.

- Okay.
- Uh-huh, 100 gs?

Yeah, I think so.
Whoo!

Okay, what about $75,000?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, for sure.

Let's get real.
Five grand?

- Yes.
- Really?

I'd be 30 seconds away
from getting

a pretty sweet used motorcycle.

No, it would take you
way longer than that, dude.

- No, I think--
- Who do you think you are?

Are you kidding me right now?

Have you seen these lips?
I have.

Have you enjoyed the presence
of me eating a kielbasa?

It's ridonk.
Wow.

It's weird. Girls are like,
"I'm impressed by that."

Okay, hold on.

What is the absolute
least amount of money

you could get paid
to blow a guy?

- Now we're talking.
- If I'm honest with myself?

- Yeah.
- I'd have to say...

$900.

[Tires screech]
Oh, my God!

- Whoa.
- Oh, my God.

- Wait, wait.
- Was that a--

- are you okay?
Are you all right?

Uh...Yeah, yeah.
I think so.

Could you give me a...?
Got you, buddy.

No sweat.
Don't sweat it.

Did you say 900 bucks?

No, I said $9,000.
I said $9,000.

I heard $900.

No, I said "thousand," dude.

[Hip hop music]

Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
I'm fresh

All right, I got one.

How much to punch
your mother in the face?

And you really gotta
try and knock her out.

30 grand, I'm laying
that chick out cold.

Lovely woman, but...Pow!

Dude, where is everybody?

It's like
a Saturday or something.

Yeah, really.
Is it a ditch day?

Do we have those here?
Oh, we should start a ditch day.

- Let's do it.
- Yeah, we should.

Fumble!
All: Oh!

Are you [Bleep]
Kidding me right now?

What are you doing?
We're in the conference room.

He's here.
Who's here?

Bruce Benson, Adam.
The CEO of the company.

Never heard of him.

Didn't you
check your work email?

Work em--is that
something that's real?

Work email?
I wouldn't worry about this.

I'm pretty sure we can
charm the CEO's pants off.

Good morning, everyone.

I'm Bruce Benson.
Yes, that Bruce Benson.

The CEO of Telamericorp.

So our annual investors
meeting is tomorrow morning--

- let's go.
- And I have a big announcement

that will affect all
of your futures.

So I think you deserve
to hear first that...

Lunch is on me!

[Cheers and applause]

Hardee's for everyone!

Hardee's or Arby's?

I hope it's not Hardee's.

Heard their fries
are just rat tails.

Hey. Bruce Benson.

That's a beautiful watch.

Oh, you know what?
It's yours.

- Oh, thank you, sir!
- Wait, you can't have it.

Not without the shirt too.

What a cool ass boss.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey, hey.

- Where are you going?
- Our phone is runni--

our car is ring--
egh.

I gotta go.
Work out or something.

Well, whatever.
He wants to meet everybody.

So just smile
and try to act normal.

- [Clears throat]
- Hey.

- Oh, my God.
- Mm.

Mr. Benson,
good to re-meet you.

'Cause we met each other
earlier, do you remember?

- I do remember.
- Oh, good.

So then you don't have
any brain damage--whew!

We were worried.
We were worried about that.

Yeah, what are
we talking about?

We accidentally hit this guy
with our car this morning,

so we're just...
It's hilarious.

So we're laughing.
Our bad.

It's not funny.

These three psychopaths
almost killed me.

Lunch, Maxwell's.

We're gonna discuss
your future at this company.

Cool ass boss.

[Piano playing softly,
utensils clinking]

Mr. Benson, hello.

Hey, how's your food?

- Mm, looking good.
- Finish chewing.

Nice blazer.
Whoa.

Let's just cut to the chase.

Wait, before you say anything,

just wanna let you know
we know we got off

to a rocky start this morning.

- Mm-hm.
- But it is so natural

for people
to hit people in cars.

Yes, it's truly--it's just
something that happens

if you--if you live
in the world.

So you do.

Just sit and listen.

Saying you're
making a mistake here.

Wow, this is so harsh.

[Overlapping chatter]

I cannot go back
to working at hot topic,

because they said
I have to cut my hair,

and I could've swore
that thing was punk rock.

Hey!
Shh.

I'm not gonna fire you.

- [Chuckles]
- Okay.

Great.
Oh, my gosh!

I thought for sure
he was gonna fire us.

Wow.

I wanna pay you
$10,000 to kill me.

- What?
- Huh?

That's real?

So I'm just
gonna leave this here.

You guys talk it over.

I'll be out back, waiting.

To die, hopefully.

Okay, this guy's insane, right?

I mean, I don't know.
Like suicide, right?

Like, if your mother
was on her death bed,

and she asked you to kill her,

you wouldn't just
take the pillow, and...

Smother her to heaven?

Adam, this guy's
not dying, okay?

He had a bad day at the office.

There's a difference.
Who knows?

No, wait.
I am not done with that.

There are some calimari--
Sorry, it's really good.

He loves this stuff.

I don't think
that I need to say this,

but you guys are you guys,

so we're not going
to kill this person, right?

- Um.
- Are you serious, Adam?

No.
I'm not really serio--

I don't wanna
kill the dude but, like...

We should talk about it
a little bit, right?

10,000 bucks?

That's enough to get us
our own hot air balloon,

or jet skis, or, like,
just a cool riding lawnmower.

For the--you know, whatever.
What are you--

you're doing that right now?

Yes, it's a bathroom.

You're the weird one
for not pissing.

Actually, that's
not a bad idea, Adam,

I do have to tink.

Oh, look, they
got a sports section.

Oh, I want sports.
I got travel.

Pinch and switch.
Okay.

You guys,
there's someone out there

that asked us to murder them.

Are you ready
to kill someone dead?

Yeah, American soldiers kill
people, like, every day.

Are you better than
American soldiers, man?

Like, think about other people.

Oh, that's airtight logic.

Okay, what is this fight in
the middle east all about, dude?

Cash money, right?
And what's this about?

This is about
cash money as well.

- Stop pointing it at me!
- 10,000 little cash money.

Adam, I'm with Ders, man.

I mean, really,
if you wanted, like, 10 gs,

couldn't you just
blow 11 dudes at 9 hundo a pop?

Okay, I said 9,000--
[Clicking on floor]

Oh, man!
It's a gun!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Hey, what's the beef, chief?

All right, boys.
Are you ready to do this?

I know just the place
to drop my body--

or my head at least.
- Stop it.

Why do you want us to kill you?

Because you're
clearly psychopaths.

Wow, I'm kind of the furthest
thing from a psychopath.

So you'd suck
a [Bleep] For $900,

but you won't kill
a stranger for ten grand?

Okay, I said 9,000!
Okay, you wanna

go right now, dude?
Stop it.

Okay, clearly
he is a psychopath.

- I said 9,000.
- Relax.

My question is
why do you wanna die?

Don't you get it?
I'm spineless.

I've mismanaged this
company into the ground,

and I have to tell
the investors tomorrow,

and I can't do it.
H-hell, I tried to jump

in front of
your car this morning,

but at the last minute
I bailed.

I couldn't even do that.

Car dodging?
That's cool.

I did that once after
seeing the movie the program.

So good.
Have you seen it?

Yeah, I actually
co-financed it.

- So good.
- Look at me.

I should've just been
a public school teacher

like my idiot mom.
Shouldn't say that.

I'm about to cry.

I'm really gonna cry here.
You know what?

Get in the car.
What are you doing?

- So you'll do it?
- Huh?

- You'll kill me?
- N--

oh, no!
No.

Okay.
[Chamber winding]

This...Uh-huh?
No! Don't!

- And you know what?
- What?

Now there's
only four bullets left.

And if you
don't get in that car,

I'm throwing two more.
Yep, yep.

Okay, take it easy, buddy.
Take it easy.

I'm gonna get in the car.
[Laughing]

- I call shotgun!
- Now we're holding the cards.

Okay, work sucks.
Nobody likes their job.

- Except Jamie Foxx.
- Right, that's true.

But we work for the weekends.

And we know today's Thursday,

but we're gonna party
like it's Friday, dude.

- It's Wednesday.
- Is it?

All right, well, it is settled.

We are gonna throw you
a party that is just

gonna make you wanna
live the rest of your life.

Now get out.

Or what?

Okay, okay, okay!
I'm going.

Yo, boss, can I borrow the
whip and go to the liquor store?

[Sigh]
Keep it.

Hopefully I'll be dead
by the time you get back.

Thank you,
but don't joke about that.

I'll get some booze,
some doritos collisions.

Get this party torqued.

I'm gonna get the collisions,
maybe some booze,

but I'm really
gonna go for a joyride.

Wow, Ders.
You're a wild man.

I know.

[Car starts]
Whoo-hoo-hooo!

Tonight's party
is gonna be weird.

In a good way.
Yes.

It is gonna be so awesome.

Anything you want, man,
you name it.

It's your credit card.

You know what'd really be cool?

Putting a bullet through
my face.

- Okay.
- You know what?

I would love to
just end your suffering,

I really would.
I would, I'm your guy.

If you would've caught me
without these two,

you would've been dead
in an alley somewhere.

But what would you
wanna do for fun

since I can't murder you?

Do you cut loose?
Do you drink, do you smoke?

Do you like getting wild?

Say bye to the bullets.
Okay, okay!

I like girls.

What type of girls do you like?

I don't know.

I've never really had
a girlfriend.

What?

Whoa, dude.
You're like that movie.

That's weird!
You have an escalade,

and you don't
have a girlfriend, man?

You could just cruise past
ice cream parlors

and pick up chicks
in that thing.

Hey, I know what it's like
not to have a girlfriend.

It's not a big deal,
'cause you know what?

We have our imaginations.
Right?

This is the saddest thing
I've ever heard.

- Who's your dream girl?
- Michelle Obama.

We can work with that.

Somebody get me a phone book.

- I'll do it.
- Thank you.

Whoop, there it is.

And I'm just
gonna put this on there,

'cause my lap gets all hot.

[Knocking]

Open up, man.

Come on, man.
Let me in.

Sorry it took so long.
I was street racing Asian kids.

[Whispers]
Password, sir.

- What?
- You have to have a password.

- Sorry, you know the rules.
- I got the doritos.

And I got some
Kahlua mudslide mix,

but they didn't double bag it,
so it's about to rip.

You have to know the password.

- Yeah.
- It is ripping now,

just let me in!

[Upbeat jazz]

What the hell's going on here?

Celebrity look-alike
swingers party.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I'm Shaun White.
Sean Astin.

Rudy? Huh?

- We're the Shauns!
- We're the Seans!

[Laughing]

We planned that, we were
waiting for you to come in.

Jillian's here.
She's lady gaga.

She's looking good.
Nicholson. Jack Nicholson.

He's so good.
"You can't handle the truth."

That was--I-I don't know
if that's good.

We'll work on it.

You can be Paul Walker
if you play your cards right.

What if I don't
play my cards right?

Hey, everybody,
Macaulay Culkin's here.

- Shh, stop.
- Ahh!

I'm Paul Walker, not Macculkin.

Macaulay Culkin, dude.

But I'm Paul Walker, right?

- Yeah, I see it now.
- Cool.

What does any of this
have to do with Mr. Benson?

Oh, well, he said that his
dream girl was Michelle Obama,

so we hired her
celebrity look-a-like.

- Looking good.
- That I understand.

So how does Whoopi goldberg
and dog the bounty hunter

fit into the equation?

Okay, I can't believe
you're asking that question.

But you know, celebrities,
they make life worth living.

Do you ever read magazines?
[Laughing]

All we have to do
is show Benson a great time.

- That's all we have to do.
- And then get him hooked up

with the first lady.
Yeah, it's all we have to do.

All right, let's do it.
Let's do it.

Where's Mr. Benson?
He's having fun somewhere--

[gunshot]

- [Blows]
- Hey.

What are you doing with
a gun in here?

What?
They're just blanks.

Uh, who are you
even supposed to be?

Isn't it obvious?

Jason Statham.

No, it's not obvious,

'cause you don't
look anything like him.

Did you even read
the post on Craigslist?

Have some respect for it, man.
I look like Sean Astin.

This is Macaulay Culkin.
Anyway.

I was wondering if I could fire
off the gun during sex.

You see, I can't
climax without it.

No, you can't.

They're just blanks.
In the gun, that is.

My crank works just great.

Okay, you know what?
Give me that.

What is with
all the guns today?

Fine, your house, your rules.

But don't tell me I don't look
exactly like Jason Statham.

You do, actually.
It's the attitude.

The check won't cash
until I'm dead.

And you can kill me
however you want.

Sounds awesome.

But what's the time frame, man?

'Cause I'm going
to Mexico next weekend, so--

- whoa, no, no, no, no, no.
Dude...

Captain Jack sparrow.
Cool.

Hey, I wouldn't blame you
if you did it, man.

Ease the pain, I get it.
I'd kill my mother.

Carl, I'll give you
$10,000 to kill yourself.

Wow, man. Words hurt, Anders.
They hurt.

You are not
taller than me, man.

I know you're wearing boots.

I hate that person.

But word on the street is
that you're in love

with the first lady.
Uh...

I wouldn't mind
ba-rocking her world.

Whoa!
[Laughing]

Whoa, somebody has
had a little bit to drink.

You should go get her, man.

She's way outta my league.

Come on,
what are you all afraid of?

You know what they say?

"Life is an adventure,
live it till you die."

Right?

Of natural causes.
Like just being old.

Or whatever.
Don't kill yourself.

Now go get her.

[Laughing]
To life.

Right?
All: Yeah.

- To life.
- Yep, whoo.

Whoa, whoa.
Bitch, be cool!

Just keepin' living.
All: Yeah!

I love my life!

God bless America.

- Job well done, boys.
- Thank you.

I'm about to go make
some whoopee with Whoopi.

- No way, dude, I called her.
- No, you didn't.

- Yes, I did.
- You saw me out there with her.

I said
"Whoopi, dibs, Ders."

I said "Whoopi, dibs, Ders."
Grow up, stop!

Hey.

What the hell is going on?

- What do you mean?
- Mr. Benson.

He was supposed to be here
a half hour ago,

and I can't reach him.

And the last time I saw him,

he was going to lunch
with you idiots.

[Scoffs]
So did you kill him or what?

You knew?

Knew what?

- Huh, what?
- Nothing, nothing.

I'm sure he's on his way.

I don't remember
anything from last night.

Last thing I remember

is arm-wrestling
dog the bounty hunter.

Hey, how are you?

What's up, ice dog?

Hey, how's everybody
doing today?

I said how
y'all mother[Bleep] Doing?

Whoo!
[Cheers and applause]

Hey, let's give it up
for the first lady, y'all.

[Applause]

Also let's hear it for
Telamericorp's

very own
Blake, Anders, and Adam.

Stand up, yeah.
[Applause]

Thank you so much.
Thank you guys.

- It's not a...
- Thank you.

That's why we do it.
Cheers.

Listen, without
these three geniuses,

I would never have
realized what I need to do.

I am liquidating this company.

As of tomorrow, Telamericorp
is officially...

[Raspberry noise]

[Chuckles]
What?

Hey, you can travel the world,
start that hobby,

have sex
with fake celebrities...

I think we all know
this is just one of.

Bruce's patented comedy bits.

Not a bit.
Very real.

What are you thinking?
Liquidating the company?

What does that even mean,
liquidating?

That doesn't even make sense,
it's gibberish.

Yeah, very un-bueno, sir.

We give you the gift of life
and this is how you repay us?

Don't you see, I'm freeing
you from this--this prison.

This is my gift to you.
Wow, dude.

You bang one chick who sort of
looks like Michelle Obama--

no offense--and then
you just go totally insane.

No, sweet baby prince.

I've never been more sane.

But seriously, I need
your buddy Carl's phone number,

'cause he might still
think I want him to kill me.

No, not from us.
You brought that on yourself.

- Mm-hmm.
- [Sigh] Screw it.

He's never gonna find me
in Barbados, or Prague, or...

Where do you wanna go,
sweetheart?

- Egypt.
- Egypt it is.

- Egypt it is.
- Off to the airport, boys.

- She's going to Egypt.
- Egypt.

Stall him.
Like, 20 minutes.

I think I might have a plan.

Hey, Bruce, real quick.

Hey, bud, real quick,
one more thing.

Bruce, come on.
[Phone ringing]

Go for Carl?

Hey, remember that gun I took
from Jason Statham last night?

The one with the blanks?
Well, I need it.

You're gonna bust in,
shoot at Bruce,

I'm gonna dive in the way
and pretend to get shot.

He'll owe me forever.

Ha!
Sounds fool-proof, man.

I'm on it.
Just give me 20 minutes.

Before you go off to Egypt,
I want to show you

what you're liquidating here.

Or should I say who?

[Crying]

Well, it went
straight to his voice mail,

so it looks like you
are being hunted as we speak.

- No, Bruce.
- Bruce, Bruce, hang on.

All right, ready?
This is the deal.

You gotta meet
one more person, okay?

This person is the
foundation of Telamericorp...

And a personal
hero of mine, a mentor.

- The big boss.
- An ocean of knowledge

and experience.
Martin Luther King on steroids.

A father figure, yep.

We give you Waymond.
Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Wow, Bruce, you're not
even giving Waymond a shot?

Waymond's a sales machine.
[Elevator dings]

Everybody loves Waymond.

You really care
about these people, huh?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Nah.

I'm still liquidating
the company.

Sorry.

Sayonara.

What kind of person does that?
[Phone beeping]

He's here.
Come on.

Wait, wait, who's he--
what's the plan?

Carl's gonna fake
assassinate me, duh.

Yes, that's a great plan.

[Elevator dings]

[Slow-mo voice]
No!

I tried to call!

Mike said he left a message!

Wait, wait!

It's the wrong gun!
It's the wrong gun!

[Gunshot]

Uh, you shot me,
you dumb idiot!

[Gun blast noises]

- What the...?
- See ya.

[Grunt]

Somebody call 9-1-1!

You saved my life.

Yes, but...

It's nothing you wouldn't
have done for me, right?

Telamericorp family.

Anything you want, buddy.

You want to come to Egypt?
You want ten grand?

How about you just go upstairs,

and talk to the investors,
and tell them

you're not liquidating
the company, all right?

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I can do that.

Yeah, that's a great idea,
but we also want ten grand.

- And Egypt. Hi--
- Yeah.

And if you could bring
the troops home,

that'd be great as well.

We could just
package deal, right?

You knuckleheads.
[Chuckles]

- How you doing?
- Ah, gross!

Are you sure
it just grazed him?

It looks like
he's losing a lot of blood.

No, that's just ketchup,

but it's seeping
into my cut and it burns!

Wait, no, no, no, no, no!

I don't have insurance,
how much does this cost?

- About $900.
- $900?

Really?

Looks like it's time to put
your money where your mouth is.

[Bleep] You, guys.
I said $9,000.

- Adam?
- It's for a good cause.

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