Original subtitles

*THE GRAND TOUR* Season 03 Episode 04 Episode Title: "Pick Up, Put Downs"

Thank you.

Hello, everybody!

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

- Hello. - Thank you very much.

Thank you. Welcome.

Now, coming up in today's show...

James wears glasses...

I pretend to be a dog...

and a terrorist eats a savoury snack.

Got everything there.

Thank you. Now...

throughout the developing world,

people have, for many years,

used Japanese-made pick-up trucks.

Yes, but now European car makers

have decided they want a piece of the action.

So they've come up with pick-up trucks of their own.

Yes, they have, and to find out if they're any good,

this week we take The Grand Tour

on a journey through history.

Mm, we begin in the Middle Ages,

which meant going to Richard Hammond's garden.

In parts of the globe where there's no mains water or electricity,

a pick-up truck has to be more than

just transport for plague victims and livestock.

That's why James has turned his Mercedes X-Class

into a power station using its rear axle

to make electricity for the village.

Richard, meanwhile, was using his Ford Ranger as a tractor,

pulling a plough.

Yep, I'm actually ploughing with my pick-up.

I don't think I could be any happier.

And I was using this Volkswagen Amarok

as an irrigation system.

I'm using it to drive a pump,

which will deliver nourishment from the well

to the community allotment.

In fact... Yep, I can hear the water coming now,

above the smooth turbocharged throb of my V6 diesel.

Ah! Ooh!

Sort it out!

Get it!

- Hammond! - What?

We've gotta get... How do you get that back?

I don't know. You set it free.

- Whoa! - Watch out!

You've made it angry! Run away!

Ow!

Oh! You... Aargh!

Clarkson!

Turn the car off!

- What was that? - I cut my...

- Oh, dear. - And there.

And there. And I've done my neck in.

This is supposed to be a demonstration

of the utility of pick-up trucks.

We've done it. We've proved all three of them...

Yeah, no, I have. I've sawn three pieces of wood for a fence.

Hammond's ploughed four furrows for growing things in.

You have only subtracted from this community.

You've taken away the vegetables.

You've taken away the electricity.

You've taken away the lighting.

You've taken away the ability to make the new fence posts.

- I have proved... - And you've taken away the food.

But my engine is very powerful. More powerful than in your two.

Yeah, but what's the use of that?

- Speed and power. - It's not speed and power.

Yeah, well it is, look. Look what it did!

Look what it did.

Yours couldn't have delivered that much water that quickly.

Yeah, thankfully, because it wouldn't have done that.

- I think you've slightly missed the point. - Why...

Why do you always have to overdo everything?

- You can shut up. - Why?

Because it's supposed to be a test of European pick-up trucks.

It's European.

Well, yes, apart from the fact

that it was designed in Australia and it's built in South Africa.

What about the engine?

- That's made in Turkey. - That's European.

Well, a bit of it is.

Let's not get bogged down with where Turkey is.

What we've done is proved that all three of them

work well when there is peace

in the village in the developing world.

What we must do now is find out how well they work

when the peace comes to an end and there's a revolution.

When the revolution is over,

it's important that all traces of the vile, hated dictator are eradicated.

And that's why I'm attaching my Mercedes

to this giant statue of Kim Jong Clarkson,

to see if I can pull it over.

Right, here are the rules.

I have to do this using the lowest revs possible.

So what I'm gonna do is put it in four-wheel drive low range -

something Jeremy Clarkson can't do -

first gear manual and turn the traction control off.

You know that isn't really a Mercedes, don't you?

It's just a Nissan with "Mercedes" written on it.

It's got a Nissan engine. Yeah.

And that's his problem. Cos it's only a 2.3, four-cylinder diesel.

Right. Taking up the slack.

When you have to use power and torque to do a job...

James is the first man you go for.

Here we go.

Traction control, diff lock, down you come.

Oh, ooh! Oh, hello.

Yeah!

He's gone!

That was just... Oh, right on your... Dunk!

What a feeling.

Oh, bet that... Did that... That was just...

- That is in the face. - Yes.

By the whole Earth. Boof, in the face.

Did you see what happened to your nose?

- Look at it. - Yes.

And now, it's your turn. Because...

Yeah, May Tse-tung.

Right, it's time for your reign of terror to end.

He may be the most stubborn man in the world,

but he's no match for the engine in this Ford Ranger.

I have, of course, more power in this than in his Nissan -

197 brake to his 188 - and more torque.

This engine is strong. Strong enough to pull a train, literally.

Because they are actually using

the five-cylinder diesel out of this

in the new Vivarail 230 commuter class train.

You know he's got one more cylinder than you?

Yeah, that's cos that engine came from a Turkish bazaar.

"Just for you, my friend, special price.

One extra cylinder, today only."

Minimal revs,

one and half thousand, maybe, upping it a bit.

Ooh, hang on.

Come on, May.

He's failing. He's failing to topple me.

Come on, you can pull an old spaniel off a pillar.

Oh, no.

All right.

He's dragging you. He's taking you for a scrape.

That's not on, really.

Nice one, Hammond!

The scores so far, then, looked like this.

James had used 2,100 rpm to topple me...

whereas Hammond - despite his bigger engine -

had had to use 3,600 rpm to bring down May.

Now it's time for me to win as I get rid

of the last of the country's hated dictators... Dick Pot.

And there we are.

Oh, now, come on!

Well, you shouldn't have built a life-size one.

- You are a man of modest statue. - Yeah, fine.

It reflects my ego compared to yours.

Well, it's, you know, proportional to the size of the tyranny.

I don't think I'm gonna need low range.

- You haven't got it. - Well, I know, exactly, I don't need it.

Lock the rear diff. There you go.

- You'll need that. - Right, here we go. Ready?

- Mm-hm. - Yes.

Taking up the slack.

There might be a really bad jolt, so be careful.

I've won another test!

I've won both of them.

- How have you worked that out? - Well, 600 rpm, OK?

And I did the best in the village.

You destroyed the village!

Listen, let's not get bogged down with that.

We must now move on to what typically happens

in a country after the dictator is gone.

With the government in disarray,

we had to load all our worldly goods

into our pick-up trucks and prepare to run for our lives.

It's no time to be alphabet-i-sising your record collection.

I'm not, I'm just making sure that The Yes Album, my most prized possession, is...

- Yeah, well, get on with it. - We're fleeing!

- OK, flee. - I'd leave those.

What?

Everybody else in the world has an iPod.

Look, I don't think you've got...

What have you got a gramophone for?

It was my grandmother's. We're fleeing from rebel forces.

Don't stand here doing a commentary. Get in your truck.

- I'm ready to flee. - Right.

Perfectly straightforward.

Whichever one is the fastest from here to the flags there,

yes, best at fleeing.

Is there c... Yes, yes, exactly right.

- So it's a drag race. - It's a flee race.

- It's a fleeing race. - Let's flee, then.

Come on, let's go!

If you need to flee from government forces,

you need an Amarok. 0 to 60, eight seconds.

That's hot hatchback territory.

It's the fastest of the trio,

the most powerful of the trio,

and the lightest of the trio.

Probably not now, but it was.

I have the biggest engine - 3.2 litres, five cylinders,

and not only is it strong enough to pull a train,

literally, it's also the engine they use in the Transit van.

And those, as anyone who's ever been on a motorway knows,

have a top speed of more than what you're in.

Now we're alone, viewers, I will admit

I'm not feeling entirely confident about this.

The 2.3 litre engine in my Mercedes is very robust.

It will last for a thousand years.

But it's not what you'd call powerful.

I think there might be a few aerodynamic issues as well.

But, anyway, I'm gonna go in D

on the basis that Mercedes knows better than me.

Here we go. Here we go.

Bit of a slow start for fleeing.

Whoa, I may have lost a couple of things.

Oh, I've lost my bike!

I was so hoping to have my bike available once I'd fled.

Bit of buffeting and I'm losing.

Oh, and Jeremy's getting away!

Storming ahead. I mean, storming.

- Ooh, a lot of glass! - There's glass everywhere.

That is not a lot of braking area.

My Lego!

Bicycle.

- This is our new life, chaps. - This is...

Lego, cream, and a shit record.

- Well, you can say that... - I'm gonna start again.

- Oh, no, we've got a chair. - You say that...

- We're gonna be all right. - I literally think we're OK.

- Yes. - So, let's just get this crystal clear.

OK, we haven't escaped with much,

but the Volkswagen has now won all three tests.

- Who decided that? - Me.

Yeah, but this isn't a dictatorship any more.

- We toppled the dictator. - Yeah. It's a democracy.

It was the fastest by a mile.

Yeah, it is the fastest.

It was easily the best at pulling over statues

and the best at water irrigation.

No. And... you may have got there first,

guaranteeing your survival, but you have no life.

You have half a table and a mattress and the worst album in history.

You really have nothing left!

I have got the contents of a home.

You call this the worst album...

The merits of The Yes Album aside,

the fact remained that with the country now in chaos,

help is urgently needed.

So, how would our commandeered trucks

cope with their requirements?

Quite well, actually.

I think we got away with that.

- No one from Oxfam here. - No.

OK, um... we'll pick that up later on.

Yes, but first it is time to brim the tank of chat

from the petrol station of debate,

on the corner of Conversation Street.

Now...

There's been a lot of talk recently about electric cars,

obviously, so we thought we ought to have some conversation about that.

- Yeah. - And we're gonna kick it off, if I may,

with the new Audi e-tron. Got a picture of it here.

Sure, it's very nice.

The only problem is e-tron is the French word... for turd.

Is it?

Mmm, yes.

They're not gonna sell many of those in France, I'm guessing.

No, they probably won't. In the same way that Hyundai

has just introduced a new car called the Kona.

They're not gonna be selling too many of those in Portugal.

Why? Is "Kona" Portuguese for "turd"?

- No. - What, then?

It's the one word we can't say.

Mourinho.

Yes. That's exactly what it is.

- Moving on. - Yes.

Have you seen those stories around

about Jaguar possibly going over to making only electric cars?

- I have read that, yeah. - All Jaguars would be electric, which is a worry.

Because, potentially, it'll make it a lot more difficult

to hear your Jaguar-driving guest

leave your house early in the morning

- with all of your silverware in the boot. - Good point.

- Very good point. - That's a risk.

"Oh, no, I've just taken all..."

Or they'll be turning up all hours

of the day and night just standing there.

"I'm sorry, could I charge my car up at your house?

Spot of bother with the electricity company over at mine."

- "Just pop that in the wall." - "Yes, if you don't mind."

Yeah, no, but if we may be serious for a moment,

the biggest problem is

the electrical charging infrastructure in this country

simply isn't good enough to...

sustain a great deal of demand. It just isn't.

Yeah, but it'll get better and the vast majority of people

simply recharge at night.

- That's what I do, with mine. - Yes, I know.

But if you go on a long journey, you can't take your house.

You've gotta charge up somewhere else.

Yes, but electric charging points

are springing up everywhere at the moment

- at quite a rate. - I agree.

- They are. - They are. They are.

But look at it this way. OK, the second most boring thing a man can do

is filling up with petrol - second most after...

Trying on trousers.

- We all agree that's the worst. - It's just a fact.

The second most boring thing you can do

is fill up with petrol, which takes what, three minutes?

- Yes. - Charging a car up

is like 40 minutes, and I haven't got time for that.

No, but it's, it's... 40 minutes is getting...

You can do it in less than that now

and it's getting shorter and shorter all the time.

Charging times are plummeting. They're dropping.

But you've gotta go into a service station, surrounded by people

with smelly bottoms, all playing on those slot machines.

And 40 minutes, you just think,

"I've got so much more I'd rather be doing than this."

I only have, if I'm lucky,

175,000 hours before I do dying.

And I'm not gonna waste any of them charging an electric car up.

I'm just not.

Sticking with electric cars, the iconic London black taxi has gone electric.

We've got a picture of it here. There it is.

I've ridden it. I've driven it as well, actually, and it's excellent.

Very, very smooth, very comfortable,

and obviously it's very quiet.

Which means you can hear the driver's views

on immigration more clearly.

Everybody always says...

I like black cabs. I use them all the time.

Yeah, you really are a dinosaur.

- No, I just hate Uber. - You don't hate Uber.

- I do hate Uber. - They just work.

Have you seen how they drive?

They're appalling! Dithering about in the middle of junctions

and they don't know where they're going.

And it's always a Prius. And I hate those commercials

where they say, "Not all of our drivers are rapists."

- That's not really a slogan, is it?

I'm sorry, I just... I will not get in with...

And, listen, I've only got 175,000 hours left...

If you... If you don't stop saying

how many hours you've got left, I shall make it less.

- Look, I... - A lot less.

Yeah, I'm with him. And I like Uber.

I like the fact that you get the alert

that tells you who's coming to pick you up

and what sort of car he's driving.

- Yeah, that's... - What's the point?

It's a Prius. It's always a Prius.

No, it isn't always a Prius.

I've got a friend and she had one come -

this was just before Christmas, as it happened.

The driver was from South America.

And she got an alert and it said,

"Jesus is arriving soon in a Honda Accord."

- Which is not what it says in the New Testament.

- No, it doesn't. - It's not, is it? Who knew?

Anyway, there is a new version of the Bugatti Chiron.

We've got a picture of it here. It's called the Chiron Sport.

But that does make me wonder, what bit of the regular Chiron wasn't sporty?

No, it was a sporty car, anyway.

It was quite sporty, I noticed that. Is that more powerful?

No, but it is 18 kilograms lighter

because it has carbon fibre windscreen wipers.

- What? That's all? - What were the old ones made of?

Cast iron.

- So it's 18 kilograms lighter? - Mm-hm.

- And how much is it? - Uh... it's £2.3 million.

That's a lot, isn't it?

Well, hold on. The standard one's, what, two million quid, isn't it?

- I've just had a thought. - What?

If you're prone to going through life

with quite a heavy briefcase...

- Yes? - If you bought the ordinary Chiron,

left your briefcase at home,

you've automatically created the Sport, haven't you?

- Yeah. - And saved yourself £300,000.

That... That is good advice.

Yeah. A lot of people here will be taking that away with them and using it.

- That's consumer advice. - Exactly. I like to do that.

All part of the service. We're here for you.

Can I move it on? I have some interesting conversation.

- Oh, good. - There is a man in Canada

who has successfully lowered his car insurance premium

by declaring himself to be a woman.

Now, he hasn't had the operation,

he hasn't swapped his beef torpedo for the silken purse.

He has merely...

Thank you, Doctor.

He has merely taken advantage...

He just said "beef torpedo", didn't he?

Of a loophole in the law that allows you to change your gender.

Torpedo? You actually claim you've got a torpedo?

Everybody calls it that.

A Spearfish he rides into...

Listen, listen. There's a lot of this about.

There was a chap the other day sentenced to some considerable jail time,

and as he was sentenced, he went, "Oh, I've just remembered, I'm a woman."

Can I go to a lady prison? Preferably one of those like you see on the internet."

Yeah, and it worked. It worked.

They sent him to a lady prison.

Where, sure enough, he's been quite badly behaved.

Yeah, chaps, I wouldn't advise trying it down your local swimming baths,

swaggering into the changing rooms.

"Morning. Morning, ladies."

I'm a lady as well, just like you and you.

I'll just hang up my suit and my tie there

and take a shower with the rest...

"Oh, my Lord, my vagina's gone all stiff. Look at that."

"I do apologise."

It's a tricky and obviously sensitive area,

but my advice is if you want to lower your car insurance premium,

don't walk into this minefield of whether or not

you can declare yourself to be a woman.

Simply declare yourself to be a vicar.

That's a good idea, because they do have cheap insurance, don't they?

They do have very cheap car insurance.

And if you're a vicar... you can still wear a dress.

- There you go. - Yeah, so everybody wins.

- Everybody wins. - More consumer advice.

Ooh, now, you know Morgan?

- I do. - OK, they've got a serious problem.

Because they make the frames of their cars out of ash.

Now, all the ash trees in Britain have either died or are dying.

So Morgan is going to have to import its ash from...

- abroad. - What?

- Foreign wood. - Foreign wood in a Morgan?

I know! Can you imagine? And it may be German.

Oh, good God! German wood in a Morgan!

- No, that's not possible! - Imagine having German wood.

Can't be done.

That's probably why, because of this immense problem,

they've decided to branch out.

What are they doing?

Well, they're gonna start making bicycles.

Are they made of wood?

Well, yes, we've got a picture. They are, actually.

The mud guard and the chain guard are both made of wood.

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh, they're really roaring into the future, Morgan.

What are they doing next? Is it a dugout canoe?

Well, it's interesting you should say that. It's not a dugout canoe.

It is - and this is a big surprise for Morgan -

they're making hair care products.

- What? - What?

They absolutely are making hair care products.

Um... I've actually got the blurb about it.

Here, this is actually from Morgan's website, yeah?

- Well, as they call it. - They have...

They call it the electric computer.

I was gonna say. They have a website?

OK, this is describing their new hair products,

quintessentially British.

"The lotion was originally created to enable a gentleman"

to hold not only the racing line,

- "but also his hair style." - Lovely.

"So Morgan's most stylish owners..."

There's no such thing as a stylish Morgan owner.

"Can once again take to the roads with confidence

that their dapper coiffeur will hold throughout the journey."

Can I ask something, while we're on the subject?

Why is it that everything in the world has a name?

Like cups, spectacles, Jeremy Clarkson's cardigan.

But anything you put in your hair is just called product?

I don't get that. The barber says, "Would you like product?"

You think, "No, cos it might be HP Sauce."

- That's a product. - It's a bit vague.

They could Tarmac your hair. "It's product."

- Exactly. - Molten aluminium is a product.

- It is. - Swarfega is a product.

I'm not sure that Morgan actually understands

its customers very well, with this plan.

What, you're saying that the typical Morgan customer

- wouldn't traditionally... - Yeah, look at th...

They're not hair care product kind of people.

Let's just work this out. Hammond, you have a Morgan.

And...

- Um... - Actually...

- I'm... I'm... - Actually, on the subject of that...

Just talk amongst yourselves. No, seriously, James May,

I want to check something out with you.

If I may. Just hang on a minute.

What are you doing?

Well, thing is, OK, you say... you say that you don't wear...

Oh, I'm uncomfortable with whatever's happening now.

You will be.

I took this photograph just last week.

I put an arrow on it to show what I'm on about.

That's Richard Hammond sporting... I'll zoom in.

- Some grey hairs there, yeah. - A couple of grey hairs.

- Ohh. - Can you see those? Yes?

Now, when I came to work this morning...

They're still there.

My wife has cut my hair. They are still there.

They're not. James May? They're not there.

- I don't dye my hair! - They're not there.

Come in really close. They're still there.

Let me arbitrate independently.

- They're not there! - They're not there!

- They are! I never... - You've been using Morgan product.

I've never dyed my ha... Oh, God!

Would you like to stop doing Conversation Street now?

I'd so like to do a...

If you want to feed me into a giant blender, I'd prefer that.

Right, that is the end of Conversation Street.

And now, if I may, I'd like to talk about the Jaguar XE.

Not your hair.

Um... it is a really very nice little car, if I'm honest.

It's very good looking. It's not particularly expensive.

Uh... it rides beautifully - very beautifully, in fact.

And, as a result of all that,

people ignore it and buy a BMW instead.

So Jaguar went to its skunkworks,

which is based in a shed,

and they said, "Could you make a fast version?"

One that will get everybody talking."

The standard low cost procedure

for turning a normal saloon into a sports saloon

is to give it some fat tyres, a nice V6 engine...

and maybe some bucket seats.

But the boffins at Jag decided to go...

a bit further than that.

Welcome, everyone, to what's called...

the Project 8.

The first thing you need to know

is that the only bits that these two cars have in common

are the roof and the front doors.

Everything else is changed.

For some very good reasons.

First of all, they decided they needed carbon ceramic brakes

that were much bigger than the brakes on the standard car.

Now, that meant they needed

bigger wheels to go round the brakes.

And bigger wheels wouldn't fit in these arches.

So they had to redesign the whole front of the car.

The headlamps, everything.

Then there was the track -

the gap between the wheels, front and back.

They decided they'd like that to be wider.

That meant fitting flared wheel arches.

So that meant a new panel here... and here,

and a new back door,

and a new panel here and here.

Then came the engine.

They decided they didn't want to mess about

and that they'd use a five-litre supercharged V8.

But that wouldn't fit.

So, to get it in, they had to cut away at the bulkhead.

And when it was in place, they thought,

"Wait a minute. That's all a bit heavy.

We need to save some weight at the front of the car."

So, the bonnet, as you can see here, is carbon fibre.

And so are the front wings.

And so is all this.

Suspension? Oh, yes, that was changed as well.

It now has Bilstein dampers that cost £1,000 each.

And rose joints. And ceramic wheel bearings.

Like you get on a race car.

On top of all that, the eight-speed gearbox also needed beefing up.

And so did the four-wheel drive system.

And then they had to get rid of the spare wheel

and the well in which it sits

to fit some under-floor aerodynamics.

And when they added up the cost of all the work they'd done, there was a problem.

In order to make any money at all,

the Project 8 would have to cost £150,000.

That's four times more than the standard car.

Four!

So, here's the question.

How mad would you have to be to spend £150,000...

on a car that was designed and built in a glorified shed

in the Midlands... in about 18 months?

And the simple answer is...

not mad at all, because this car...

is fan-bleeding-tastic!

The engine may be ten years old,

but it has a huge amount of character.

And nigh on 600 horsepower!

That means 0 to 60 in 3.3 seconds...

and a top speed of 200.

Even more impressive,

ten minutes before the Nurburgring shut its doors for the winter...

Jag's Project 8 engineers

asked if they could have one last go round it...

and they shattered the record for four-door saloons

with a time of seven minutes, 21 seconds.

That's blisteringly quick.

I will say that if you've got the car manually

hunkered down and it's in track mode,

and the traction control is turned off,

things can go a bit violent and bitey...

if you go beyond the limit.

Ugh.

The answer is to stay within the limits

and in this car... that's no hardship.

The grip from the four-wheel drive system

and the wider track and the Michelin Cup tyres

absolutely wobbles your eyes.

It's phenomenal.

You can corner at speeds

that you simply can't quite believe.

I mean, that is...

That was 140 kilometres through there.

Look at that! That's just sheer grip.

Actually peeled my skin, that did!

Oh.

I am a sucker for small, front-engined sports saloons.

I had a Mercedes CLK Black.

And this is better than that.

This is better than even the hottest BMW M3.

You can whisper this, but I reckon it's even better

than Alfa's Quadrifoglio.

This is very good.

Really, really good.

But... is it a Jag?

Well, you can have it with scaffolding in the back,

but this one has two proper seats.

And in here, it has enough space

for a "borrowed" oil painting

and all the kit that you need to go out at night...

and "borrow" another one.

So, yes, it is a Jag.

It even says "prototype vehicle" on it,

which means you don't have to pay any tax.

Like my prototype watch and trousers.

And this prototype camera we're using today.

And there's more.

At normal road speeds with the car in Comfort or even Dynamic mode,

it's as quiet and as civilised as a Jag should be.

It even has little springs sitting on top of the bigger springs

to give you a more comfortable ride.

But everything's relative, really.

I mean, it's not as comfortable, say,

as lying in a hammock on a summer's day, listening to wood pigeons.

But it does have air conditioning

and a head-up display and electric seats,

so it is more comfortable than you'd expect.

In fact, it's better than you'd expect in every way.

And maybe we shouldn't be surprised by that,

because the last time something was designed and built quickly,

in a glorified shed, in the Midlands,

it was called the Spitfire.

And it won the Battle of Britain.

The Battle of Britain...

And three, two, one, cue James May.

Ready?

Hang on. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

- Hang on. The Spitfire? - Yes.

It was the Hurricane that won the Battle of Britain.

- Well, it just wasn't. - No, it just was.

There were far more of them, it was easier to build,

it was easier to repair, it was easier to fly.

- It was. - But that's like saying that a Nissan Juke

is better than a Lamborghini Aventador

because it's easier to build and there are more of them.

- No, it's not like that. - It is.

The Hurricane was a much more stable

gun platform in the hands of a novice.

The Hurricane accounted for more enemy aircraft

than all of our other air defences combined.

It won.

Yes, but the Spitfire, OK,

the Spitfire looked glamorous.

So you'd look up in the sky and then that improved morale on the ground,

cos people were going, "Wow, look at that! We can't possibly lose this."

Yes, but morale didn't shoot down enemy aircraft.

Hurricanes did. That's simply a fact.

But if a small boy's looking out the window,

"Wow! Look, there's a Spitfire up there

and I'm gonna join the RAF!" And that's what we needed.

He didn't wanna fly a Hurricane cos it looked like a sad Basset Hound.

No, it didn't. And anyway, the best...

The best fighter aircraft of World War II

was the Messerschmitt 109. Everybody knows that.

- That didn't win the Battle of Britain! - Well, it...

To be honest, nobody won the Battle of Britain. It was a draw.

What? Where have you got that from?

- It was a draw. - Chaps! Chaps! Chaps!

Hate to make this whole thing sound like, I don't know...

a car show, but can we get it back to the Jag a bit, please?

Yes. I don't want to talk to him about aeroplanes.

- Cos he's wrong. - OK, OK. Remember the Jag.

- Yes. - Is it a mainstream car?

No. No, if I'm honest, it isn't.

They've only made 300 of them

and they're all left-hand drive.

So they went to all that time and trouble to develop it...

And expense. -...and now they're only building a handful

and they've put the steering wheel on the wrong side?

No, it is... it is very odd, but since I don't want to listen to him

talking about Hurricanes any more, I do think

we should find out how fast it goes round the Eboladrome.

And she's off,

in a cloud of V8 crackle and fury,

and immediately onto the Isn't Straight.

Twitchy with a change of line,

but she's got it under control

using every one of the 592 horsepowers.

Bit of tyre squeal

as she swings down into Your Name Here.

Right, hard on the brakes down the eight-speed box.

More tyre squeal from those super-sticky Michelins.

And clearly they are working well.

Right, back on the power now for the full-chat sprint.

Down the Isn't.

OK, more hard braking soon...

for the flick into the tricky complex at Old Lady's House.

Four-wheel drive keeping it clinging on.

Now, spearing down the bumpy bit towards Substation.

Good noise, that.

Oh, a lot of tyre squeal through there,

but just Field Of Sheep to go.

Pitches it into a drift.

Nicely done. And across the line.

- It looks good, that. It's got that dartyness.

Looks like a race car. It rides like one. You can see it.

It's extraordinary how well it drives on the road.

Cos it's all a... Anyway...

Uh... that's the top ten of our leader board.

And there's the Jag

waiting to see where it goes.

Or does it indeed get onto that list at all?

Let's find out. Let's move it up.

Does it?

- Oh. - Bloody hell.

Hang on a minute. It's faster than a GT3 RS?

Good God!

That is a really properly good car, that.

- Mm. - It is the Spitfire of cars.

- Hurricane. - Don't... Leave it.

Hold, hold. Leave it. Hold. Hold.

Hold steady.

And relax.

And carry on.

Tonight, we are finding out... Is this right?

Tonight... we are finding out

how the new breed of European pick-up trucks

would fare in the developing world.

And we've learned that the Volkswagen is the best of the lot.

- No, we didn't learn that. - Well, we did.

It was the fastest and it was the most powerful.

Yeah, but that's not actually terribly relevant

if you're in a country where there are more AK-47s than ambulances, is it?

Yes, but whatever. OK? Whatever.

So far, we've seen what happens when the peace ends

and the dictator is toppled and chaos ensues.

And now we pick up the story

with what typically happens after that.

OK, here's the situation.

There's a power vacuum now,

foreign armies are pouring in and it's our job

to get this fuel... to the nation's helicopter.

And then the villagers can be strafed.

- Really? - That's what happens.

To that end, we have got to go from here

to this forward operating base.

And the first one there is the winner.

That'll be me, then.

Having saddled up,

we waited for the sound to charge...

and then, naturally,

all set off in different directions.

Yeah. Yeah.

If I go through here...

Oh, yeah!

I am racing a pick-up truck off-road in Wales

to refuel a helicopter.

Oh, I am erect!

Turn in and right.

This test, if you think about it,

it is rather pertinent that we are filming this in the UK,

because in a couple of years

when Brexit has really caught up with us,

there will be a civil war

and you will need pick-up trucks to survive.

I think, if I can get through this gap in the wall,

I save having to drive all the way round the end of it.

Here I come.

Oh-hoo! I have a compass.

This is a piece of cake.

Agh! Ohh!

It can take some punishment, this thing.

That's what you want. Utility.

It's like Jack Reacher's trousers.

They're just some trousers. This is just some pick-up.

Sadly for me, the Amarok wasn't wearing Jack Reacher's trousers.

Come on! Climb!

Climb, you stupid car!

Right, I reckon, past here...

- Ooh, hello! - Ah, Mr Hammond!

Oh, we've ended up in the same place!

Right, let's see what you got. Uphill.

- Come on. - No!

Why is his car doing this and I'm not?

Why is that possible?

Come on!

It's not getting up that hill! Not in a million years!

He's got better tyres.

That's what that is all about.

Whatever the issue, I had to find a flatter route.

Come on, come on.

I must win this. Must win.

I don't think that this Amarok

is really designed for freedom fighters

in Africa and the Middle East.

I think it's aimed more at surveyors in England.

I mean, it's got a laptop charging point here

and a leather steering wheel.

I'm not sure you need that kind of thing in Mogadishu.

I need to go west, west-southwest for a bit,

but avoiding that clump of trees.

What is this?

Shrugs it off!

It's Hammond! He's going completely the wrong way.

Wrong way!

James going the other way is a very comforting sight.

It means you're going the right way.

In the Amarok, I was still searching for another route.

Right... Oh, hang on.

I think I'm on a golf course.

Which way do I go?

Uh... maybe if I drove round faster I could work it out.

Yeah, it's this way. Here we go.

All cleared up now.

Meanwhile, in the Mercedes,

I was making excellent progress.

I've got this fantastic 360-degree camera system in here,

so when I'm doing a tricky bit like this,

I can turn the knob and look down each side.

I can look down the right wheel, down the left wheel, down the front.

Absolutely no excuse for hitting anything. Easy.

I haven't grounded out once doing this.

Um...

Meanwhile, I'd just realised that for once in his life,

James had actually been going in the right direction.

OK, I am lost.

I think it was that way.

I'm gonna go this way.

Right, let's see what you got.

Come on. I cannot lose this race.

Ooh!

Careful. A bit of a bump.

With the others far behind,

I'd found a rough track that led to the forward operating base.

Buffeting...

Ohh, that's a big hole. Argh.

And Jeremy and I were also heading in the right direction,

on a route that was longer, but faster.

Big one!

This is cracking along, this thing!

Yes!

On the fast track, the Amarok was starting to come good.

This is quick. Very quick.

Even with 100 gallons of Avgas in the back.

Whoa, hang on!

Even though the Merc was the only one with coil springs,

life on the rough track was very uncomfortable.

Aargh!

Bogs!

Whoa!

And then...

Bollocks!

That is a complete dead end.

I've wasted my time. I'm gonna have to go back.

I can't turn round there. Oh, God.

Or there.

This is losing me vital time.

On the faster route,

the powerful Amarok was starting to rein in the Ford.

Right, Hammond, I'm coming to get you!

He's toast!

I don't think so, my friend! No way!

- Come on, Amarok! - Eeeeeeee!

Get in, get in!

Kill him! I want the medal! I want to deliver the fuel!

No way! You're not coming through!

- Oh, no! Wooh-hoo! - Yeah, he's been crossed up!

Come on, Jeremy! Get him, get him, get him!

No! No!

I'm now in the lead!

I'm doing winning!

No!

Disaster!

No! That's the compound! Damn it!

There's the helicopter! And once again, the Amarok is victorious!

Is that barrel gonna...

What on earth?

I'm probably not gonna get my freedom fighter badge now, am I, for that?

- What happened? - Well, him!

And any minute now he's gonna claim he won this one as well.

- I did win it! - Oh, yeah, it looks it.

That looks like success.

We were told to deliver fuel!

We weren't told to detonate the nation's helicopter!

Look at it!

What is the budget for our show?

- Smaller than it was. - Yeah, not... not big enough.

That's quite a... That's an expensive thing.

- Yeah, helico... - Yeah, it's a helicopter.

There are no cheap helicopters.

Apart from that one now.

It's beyond useless, isn't it? It's something else.

- Oh, don't pat it. - It's a good truck!

If you have to have a pick-up truck,

at a time of strife in your country,

this is proving to be the winner at everything.

I may have prevented the war.

How have you prevented the war?

- Well, because... - The helicopter was there to stop the war

by strafing the uprising villagers.

- And now it can't do that. - No.

So now the whole thing is gonna descend into civil war and chaos.

It is inevitable in the developing world

that one day all pick-up trucks

end up being used as gun platforms.

- Yeah. It's their destiny. - To die on the battlefield.

Yeah, every day you turn on the news

and there's somebody standing in the back of a Toyota or a Nissan,

shooting at someone in a Humvee or a Land Rover.

And what we wanna know is how good will our European trucks be at that.

Yeah. And most importantly, which one is best.

To find out, each of our pick-ups would be driven

through a ruined town by a freedom fighter...

whilst we stood on the back shooting at various targets.

These included some big barn doors,

a whole bus,

and a selection of cardboard soldiers.

James volunteered to go first,

but there seemed to be a bit of a problem.

Why haven't you s... Wh... Why haven't you set off?

Well, I'm just doing this small repair.

What are you repairing?

Well, when the barrels were in,

it slightly bowed out the sides,

and as a result of that, this won't stay shut...

which is a bit hazardous.

That looks shut, but you go over a bump

and that latch... See how that doesn't line up?

So you've misused your pick-up by using it as a pick-up?

No, I'm sorry, I... There's more to it than that.

This is supposed to be a Nissan and a Mercedes,

the world's most durable thing...

Mm-hm? -...and it's got a flexible back end?

That's rubbish! That is actually, genuinely, rubbish.

Whilst I secured the tailgate,

Jeremy loaded up my AK-47...

I'll put it down carefully in case I break your pick-up truck with it.

And then I was ready to deploy.

- You can go. - Ride out to glory!

Look at him! The soldier of fortune!

Dogs of war!

The Spaniel of War is what it is!

Oh, this is quite difficult.

Even though I've got the car with the most sophisticated suspension,

I've got a slightly slippery floor.

I'm looking for a barn door.

There it is.

Argh.

They make this look a lot easier in Black Hawk Down.

There's the bus! Oof!

Oh, cock!

Having somehow managed to miss a whole bus,

I started to look for the cardboard soldiers.

Die, cardboard cut-out bast...

More. Argh.

Ow!

Come on, barn door, I'm ready for ya!

Take this, barn door!

Rambo May had missed all the barn doors,

all of the bus and all of the soldiers.

So, with a score of zero to beat,

Arnold Hammondenegger was feeling very confident.

- Stand up. - I am standing up!

Oh, he loves that.

Ha!

Ha-ha!

Welcome to Richard Hammond's usual weekend.

Ha-ha!

Ooh, wait! Is that a barn door?

Oh, a bush got in the way.

That's all that happened then.

Bus! Big target!

Oh, shit! I'm out of bullets.

Hold on. Ohh.

Bugger.

Oh, wait, targets!

Oh, I've jammed.

OK, all the baddies, stop.

Hang on.

Oh, shit.

I've gotta try and make up for this now on the last target. Pinpoint shooting.

Barn doors! Target acquired!

Oh, no! No, not now!

I've jammed my gun. Oh, bollocks.

I had a bit of gun trouble, I'll not lie.

- Well, here's some more news. - Yes?

General Stonewall Clarkson has gone off to get ready,

but I suddenly remembered...

- Remember when we were in Jordan? - Yeah?

He can't fire automatic rifles.

- No. - Do you remember?

- Cos he's... - Because... It's...

- He's crossed over, isn't he? - Yeah.

He's right-handed, but left-eyed.

- Yeah, so he shoots... - He shoots from his left side.

Exactly. He's diagonal.

Which means all the spent cartridges burn his arm.

- Exactly. - Well, he'll be using a pistol, won't he?

- He always uses a pistol. - Yes.

Actually, I wasn't using a pistol.

That's what I've got!

A .50 cal!

Lock and load!

Yes!

Barn door, barn door, coming into view!

Oh! Argh! I may have... I've missed... What?

Yeah, I've missed the door, uh... there, badly.

Searching for targets.

There's a bus round here somewhere.

There it is.

Ah, I can't get on it. I can't get on it.

I can't get on the bus! Opening fire!

Oh!

Ah, I think I hit that... Ah, I've done that wrong!

Men on the bridge! Lock and load! I said it again!

Die!

I may be... I'm getting a bit... It's the leaf springs.

Bad mark for Volkswagen there, this jigglyness.

Right, here we go. Men.

Die!

Die!

Oh, God.

After this, I got a bit carried away.

Die!

Up! Oh, God.

I'm gonna be in trouble for that one.

I've done that very wrong there, look.

I've just noticed something. It's got sights!

It's not just guesswork. That's useful.

Right, barn door. Here we go.

Yes!

- What? - Another victory!

How do you work that out?

I hate to tell you this,

but you haven't hit the doors, which was the target.

How do you know I haven't hit the doors?

Because there's no...

Well, on that terrible disappointment for him...

time to go back to the tent.

No! No, no, no!

Don't... Don't clap! Don't clap!

He killed a man!

You jammed an AK-47!

- Well... - It's famously un-jammable!

No one in history has ever jammed one till you came along!

Yes, it overheated!

That's cos you were firing it into the air

pointlessly when you set off!

That's what they're for!

Weddings, funerals, exam results -

you go outside, fire your AK in the air!

It's a joyous thing!

They are the party popper of the developing world!

Never mind all that.

- I have the scores. The final scores. - This is the important bit.

Jeremy Clarkson, you fired 2,600 rounds.

Mm-hm.

And the number of targets you hit... was one.

You laugh, but it's one more than him!

- Uh... it is. - It is one more than you, so I'm winning!

Wait, so hang on, it all boils down to how many targets I hit.

- Yes, but you had a roll bar to hang onto. - I did.

Yeah, he did. And he scored...

Yes?

Nought.

He really got nothing?

- Yep. - OK, so after all of that,

what is our conclusion, gentlemen?

- Can we do a sensible one? - Yeah.

See, the thing is, that Mercedes Nissan you had,

it did have a wobbly back end,

and I just don't think that's good enough, actually,

in a pick-up truck, I really don't.

The Volkswagen is very good,

but pick-up trucks are working tools, and it's just a bit too posh.

You wouldn't want to get into it in muddy boots. I don't think that will work.

So, it's the Ford, then? It's the cheapest.

It is the cheapest. And it's, I think, the best-looking.

And it is actually the one I'd have.

- You'd have the Ford? - Yeah.

- And you'd have the Ford? - We'd both have the Ford.

James, what would you have?

I wouldn't have a pick-up truck.

- Yes, I know, but in this test

of pick-up trucks, which one would you have?

None of them. I wouldn't have one.

Yeah, I know! But we're testing pick-ups,

so which pick-up truck of the three would you have?

I wouldn't have a pick-up truck.

You've just spent 20 minutes reviewing these pick-up trucks.

The ladies and gentlemen would like to know which is the best?

I've come to a conclusion, on behalf of the ladies and gentlemen,

which is don't have a pick-up truck.

James! You have a powerful imagination!

Use it! Let's pretend!

OK, come with me on a journey.

We'll warm your imagination up.

- Imagine you're an eagle. - OK.

Visualise that you're flying over mountains.

Can you feel it? Can you feel the wind in your feathers?

- Mmm. - It's beautiful, isn't it?

- Yeah. - OK, now

imagine you've got a pick-up truck.

Which one is it?

Why would an eagle have a pick-up truck?

No! No!

I mean, imagine... OK, let's try...

OK, imagine, James May, a pastoral scene. Have you got it?

There's, like, rolling, grassy hills,

a few sheep around - you're a farmer.

You're walking round with your dog

at your heel there, sheep all around you.

Can I have Beethoven playing?

Beethoven is playing, obviously, live.

There's an old five-bar gate there.

An old oak tree arches over the gate.

And under the oak tree is your farmer's pick-up truck.

- Which one is it? - It's not there.

I wouldn't have it, because I wouldn't have a pick-up truck.

Neither should anybody else. You shouldn't have one.

Even in your imagination...

My imagination does not admit a pick-up truck.

- I'm not being stubborn. I know my mind. - Yes.

And I don't want a pick-up truck.

What I know is that you've wasted so much time

not choosing a pick-up truck,

and claiming that the Battle of Britain was a draw,

that we don't have time for the big celebrity duel

between... Adrian Chiles and Howard from the Halifax ads.

- Oh, no! - Exactly!

And on that terrible disappointment, we must end.

Thank you so much for watching. Good night!