All language subtitles for The Real ONeals s02e02 The Real Dates.eng

To our first real date.

To my first, first date in 18 years.

Oh! 18 years! Well, the pressure is on.

It's not a great chugging alcohol.

That is tannic. Yeah.

Well, I just feel like the
luckiest man in the world.

I'm on a date with a wonderful woman,

and I have a new bestie.

Who is my almost-ex-husband.

Who doesn't know we're dating. [Laughs]

You know, eventually, we will tell Pat.

We have a long way to go before
we know if this is a real thing.

Yeah. I mean, I want to make
sure he and I are solid

before I put that stress
on the relationship.

[Gasps] Oh, my God! He's here!

What?!

Don't look behind you. Pat is here.

What? Why? Why is he here?

He doesn't know about this restaurant.

I told him about it.

I can't stop talking
about the bruschetta.

Is he looking over here?

No. He's picking up a to-go order.

Oh, God. I hope he got the bruschetta.

Of course, he did. He eats
anything anybody says is good.

Kenny: Well, here I am again.

Another day of being gay,
in theory, and not in practice,

unlike my siblings,
who are getting more action

on their devices than
I've gotten all year.

Oh, man! I love dating a college girl!

Lacey's at a party, and I think
she's getting a little tipsy.

So you two might want to clear the couch,

'cause I sense this texting
is about to get steamy.

With or without us on this couch,

please never get steamy on it.

Too late by 6 years. [Chuckles]

[Laughs]

It's cute how you think
the blanket's safe.

That blanket probably has more
stories to tell than I do.

Ah, Ethan thinks it's adorable
to steal my healing potion.

Well, I'm going to decapitate him.

Oh, look at his cute, little head.

I'm gonna kick it.

All right, you guys get off
your screens and talk to me!

Is there something wrong with me?

I mean, I feel like my bangs
are at their best angle ever,

I found a deodorant that works
with my active lifestyle.

I mean, is it me? Just be honest.

Well, sometimes you do go on without

- really hearing...
- I mean, am I even gay

if I'm just sitting on
the couch with you two?

If a gay falls in the forest,
and there's not another gay to say,

"Hey, girl, you okay?" did he even fall?

The problem is that I'm completely alone

in a forest of straight people.

I need one where more gay guys
come to gather nuts and berries.

Come on, Kenny. You know how
to find a more crowded forest.

- Dating apps.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay. I'll set up an account,

but it seems like most gays

don't use their faces in their profiles,

just their best body feature.

What's my best body feature?

Both: Your calves.

Really? Not my biceps?

Please show me where you
think your biceps are located.

Okay. My calves.

They're the most manly part of your body.

It's like your upper half

didn't tell your lower half you're gay.

Mm. Okay. Here we go.

I am stepping, calf-first,
into a whole new forest.

Kenny, take your foot off the table.

Excuse me.

Where are you coming from
in your New Year's cardigan?

I was having a drink with friends.

You don't drink.

You don't have friends.

Well, okay, then. You caught me.

I was measuring the hedges

to make sure they're height-appropriate.

That sounds about right.

- Yep.
- There we go.

Hi. How did the date with VP Murray go?

Wait. I want to sit. No, I'll stand.

I'll take a knee.

Stop moving. It went great...

after we crawled out from
under the restaurant table.

[Laughs] Oh. It went that kind of great.

I fooled around under the
bleachers with a mascot once,

head still on, thank you very much.

No. We were hiding.

Pat came in.

I still haven't told him
I'm seeing Clive yet.

- Why not?
- He's so sensitive.

He cried through "The Hangover 3."

I'm afraid this would crush him.

So, before I tell him,

I'm going to soften him up first,

with his favorite breakfast.

Morning.

Do I smell sausages
from the 99 cent store?

Covered in jelly, like you like them.

Come on over here, sleepy head.

Hey, is that a new flannel?

Oh, well, yeah, but it's exactly
like the one I replaced.

I love how you do that.

Here.

- It's for me?
- Mm-hmm.

Wow! Thank you.

[Chuckles]

Well, the Bears game's
about to start, so...

Oh, don't go down there to watch it.

Watch up here with your
family, above ground.

And I'm giving you Pop-Tarts for lunch.

Kenny! I have a problem!

Lacey hasn't texted me back
since the party last night.

W-W-What do you think happened to her?

You think she's dead?!

Not that I want that,
but that would explain things.

I'm sure it's fine.

[Gasps] My app!

I swiped right on two
cute guys last night.

I wonder which one of them liked me.

What if it's both?

I might need to get a burner phone.

Why did we not lose our virginity to
each other before she went to college?

It seemed like such a good idea, you know,

wait till Thanksgiving,

because everyone knows that if
you make it till Thanksgiving,

you make it forever.

That's not a thing.

Wait. What?

Neither guy picked me.

But, no. I thought I was
a reach for them.

Oh, my God.

You know, I've always considered
myself a 9, but am I a...

An 8?

Hey! Don't you ever say that!

If anybody should be down
on themselves, it's me.

Why did I think Lacey would stay
with a high school kid when...

When she's living in a big
pile of horny college dudes?

They're all just hot and sweaty.

It's like a sausage cauldron.

Mm, no. That's vivid...

and effective.

Jimmy, you need to go
see Lacey at college.

And I'm going to go with you.

You... You would do that for me?

I mean, and myself.

I will prove that I'm at least an 8.5.

I just need a change of venue, you know,

an audience that gets me,
a different forest.

[Chuckles] You need gay dudes.

That's... That's what I'm saying.

And you need to go
make a big, romantic gesture,

sweep her off her feet,

make her remember why she loves you.

[Exhales]

You are so good at being a straight.

It's such a wasted talent.

It's like you turning gay

was when Jordan went to play baseball.

Jordin Sparks played baseball?

What happened?

Ethan, where did you go?!

Hey, could you keep it down?

You don't live here.

Ooh, somebody's in a mood.

I decapitated Ethan,
and he hasn't regenerated

and he won't answer any of my messages.

Wait. Ethan's a kid you like, right?

Yeah. I thought he liked strong women.

But, like all men,
he wants a lady in the streets

and an orc in the sheets.

Look, call him!

Is that what old people
do with their phones?

Okay, I'm young enough to
know that that was a burn,

but you're clearly upset,
so I'm going to let it slide.

All I'm saying is get off the
screens and interact with him.

Oh, yeah, and why don't we
hook up the horse and buggy

and go to the harvest festival, too?

It's over, Aunt Jodi. I ruined it.

I had a good time, too.

And I was thinking, if it's not too soon,

we could take it up a
notch for our next date...

The Cheesecake Factory.

[Laughs] But their menu is so big.

Well, not too big for a woman like you.

You just ruined it. Bye.

[Sighs]

Who's ready for a cold one?

Well, yeah, sure, but I can get it.

You, sit, you. I like bringing you beers.

Thanks.

Um...

why are being so nice today?

What? A man doesn't deserve to
be treated well in his own home?

Matter of fact,
you're looking a little tense.

Would you like a back rub?

Ow. Hey.

Eileen, you haven't touched
me in two years,

not even when I passed out
and needed mouth-to-mouth.

You just blew on me.

Yeah, well, you're alive, aren't you?

Ow.

Ethan. What are you doing here?

Your message said, "Come over, IRL."

That means "in real life." Hi.

Excuse me for a minute.

What did you do?

I lured a 15-year-old boy to the house,

under false pretenses, on the Internet.

And you're bragging about that?

It's a good thing.

Why don't you kids go relax,
and I'll make us some snacks.

Pat: Jodi! Jodi!

I need to talk to you
right now! Come on!

[Whispers] Go ahead and sit.

I figured out why Eileen's been
giving me so much attention.

Yes, finally.

Let's talk about this
whole awkward situation.

She wants me back.

What more is there to say?

I know it sounds crazy,
but I am telling you

she has been doing some
really weird things lately,

like, um, touching me.

Huh? And smiling? What?

I mean, Eileen knows that
we're wrong for each other.

She... She's just lonely.

Right. She's lonely because she's alone.

[Laughs] She's not dating anybody.

She's a miserable, shell of a woman.

She'll probably be
alone forever. [Laughs]

Unless...

I find her a man.

She doesn't need a man. She's fine.

She's out there,
enjoying her rich, full life.

No. Jodi, you were right.
Eileen just needs a man.

And I'm gonna find her one.

Uuuuuuuuuh...

Okay, what do you think of my bangs?

I took a big swing for college.

Wispy.

Yeah, there's no way Lacey gave
her virginity to anybody else.

You know, I'm gonna go in there,

I'm gonna sweep her off her feet

with my romantic seduction plan,

and then she is going
to imprint all over me.

I'm sorry?

See, you sexually imprint on the
person who takes your virginity

so that you're attracted
to each other forever.

It's like an orphaned, baby duck
who thinks a dog is its mother,

but with sex.

That's not a thing.

Well...

[Knock on door]

- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Pat.

Man, I can't believe
you're here on a weekend.

Oh, well, you know what they say,

"He who burns the midnight oil

lives with his mother and
needs a frickin' minute!"

Ah.

Well, I have something
to talk to you about,

and I thought I should
come and do it in person.

Um, so... [Sighs] Wow.

Being single's hard, huh?

So hard.

It is hard enough to make a man
sometimes make complicated choices.

Yes! That's right.

And, so, I had an idea.

There's so many dudes.

I know.

- This is my nightmare.
- College, baby.

Okay, I think I messed up

going big, romantic instead of big, sexy.

The flowers, candles and Lacey's
favorite fro-yo from Chicago...

That's baby stuff.

I don't want to have sex like a baby.

Yeah, no, I like that as a goal for you.

Nachos are ready,
the universal party-starter

from our neighbors to the south.

By the south, I mean Texas.
Mexicans don't really do nachos.

Learned that lesson the hard way.

Okay.

Want some?

I would, but they look really gross.

Uh, gum?

Sure.

I'm gonna jet.

I've done the math.
I've done the measurements.

There couldn't be a more perfect place

filled with guys that are
ready to choose me to be with.

Let the swiping begin.

Hello, everybody,
and welcome to "Swipe Right,"

the hot, new game show
that's swiping the nation.

Kenny O'Neal, are you ready to play?

Born ready. Literally.

[Laughs] Leave the jokes to me, son.

It's all I have.

Now, let's meet our eligible gays.

First is Cory.

Cory enjoys gardening, snow boarding,

and living in the moment.

Next, Diego.

Diego is a fan of spy movies,
train trips, and winter.

Finally, we have Jack.

Jack has a ferret.

All right, Kenny, as you know,

a swipe right is a match,

but a swipe left is a big, fat no.

Okay. You all seem great,
but if I had to choose...

Ooh, I hate being this guy.

Cory, all the way.

I swipe right.

Cory, is it a match?

- [Buzzes]
- Oh! Cory thinks you're gross.

Okay, that's fine.

I wasn't sure about him, either.

The one I wasreally interested in,
okay, was Diego.

And, Diego...

swipes left on you,
which leaves us Jack.

I hope you like ferrets, Kenny.

I don't,

but I am willing to look past that.

Jack, what do you say?

- [Buzzes]
- Oh! Thanks for playing, Kenny.

Your parting gift is a life alone.

[Applause]

- Hey, you.
- Hey!

I just got done doing your laundry.

You need new undies.

Those elastic waistbands are
just a formality at this point.

Not at all necessary.

Um, so, listen. I need to talk to you.

Oh, thank goodness, because
I need to talk to you, too.

Pat, I hope you know that I
think you are a wonderful man,

really, any woman's dream.

No, Eileen, I'm really not.

Yes, you are.

Eileen, I'm disgusting!

Now, the good news is,
I know someone who isn't.

And, please,
just keep an open mind about this,

because I think you're
gonna really like this idea

if you give it a chance.

What are you talking about?

Come on in.

Hello.

Eileen, I think you know
VP Murray from the school.

Uh-huh.

I brought him here today

because I think the two of
you should go on a date.

You want me to date our kids'
vice principal?

I know. This is crazy!

I said to him, "This is out of left field!"

Why am I screaming?!

Listen, I know it's a little weird,

because we always used to make fun of him

for the, you know, spaghetti legs.

His legs aren't actually
that skinny anymore.

Thank you. My goal is to
go from "spaghetti legs"

to "rigatoni legs" by Christmas.

- Okay. Pat, I don't think...
- Listen. This could work, okay?

And, look, I know
you've been lonely lately,

but, you know, giving me back
rubs is not the way to fix that.

What's that, now, about back rubs?

Come on. Just have
one drink with the guy.

It's no big deal.

Come on. What do you say?

Okay.

Okay! Great!

Eileen, Clive likes backgammon,

British dramas, and a hard cheese.

Clive, Eileen likes...

Ooh. [Laughs]

Wow. I guess it's a good
thing we're getting divorced.

[Laughing]

Have fun.

You're not suicidal, are you?

As an R.A., I have a legal
obligation to intervene.

I'm not suicidal. Great.

But I am sad.

Great.

Okay, so, uh, what's your problem?

My problem is that I'm so repulsive

that not even Johnny98
swiped right for me.

And I only pity-swiped him

because I felt that his braided
belt was a cry for help.

I thought college would be

the place for me to spread my gay wings.

Don't say that. That means
something you're not ready for.

But nobody's interested, you know?

I mean, there has to be
something wrong with me!

Okay, slow down.

Just slow down. Just
show me your profile.

It's okay.

Okay, so, first of all,
this is not a picture of you.

This is a picture of a goat leg.

No, it's my leg.

Oh! Well...

it's more human in person,
is the good news.

So you aren't being rejected. A goat is.

Oh.

And guys who put up
random body parts online

are either shame queens

or they don't have a face like yours.

Really?

Well, you're not so bad yourself.

- Don't go there.
- I had to try.

- Doh, Michele!
- Aah! Intruder! Intruder!

Ooh! Ah! Ah!

I'm not an intruder. I'm a friend.

I know all about you. Aah!

Okay, new profile pic is up.

It's of my face, completely hairless.

Please, please, oh, please,
let somebody right-swipe me.

Are you praying?

What? No.

Okay. Kenny, why is
this so important to you?

[Sighs]

I just...

Coming out has been really, really tough.

You know, my first date was just bad.

I had a disappointing first kiss,

and the only other gay kid
at my school is a lesbian.

I thought coming here
would give me some hope,

but what if I've gone through all of this

and no guy will ever want me?

Okay, I think you have to...

Oh, my gosh! Somebody right-swiped me!

Somebody 52 feet away
finds me attractive!

[Laughs]

Wait. What are you doing?
Give me my phone back!

Oh, I will,

but I want to point out one
thing to you first, okay?

Five seconds ago, you were hopeless,

and now you're giddy because, what,

CoolGuy62 did this with his finger?

Okay, you cannot let your self worth

be based on other people's approval.

What do I base it on?

Okay, fine. I get it.

- Kenny, we gotta go!
- Michele: Stop! Stop him!

[High-pitched] We gotta go!

[Whistles blow]

Okay, cool. So I gotta go.

Coming!

Now, you guys have a great time.

I want you to stay out
as late as you want,

and, hey, dinner's on me, okay?

- Okay.
- Oh, thanks, buddy, yeah.

- All right, guys.
- [Laughs] Wow.

Can you believe it turned out that way?

No. We totally got away with it.

And Pat likes you, and he's
happy we're together.

It really could not have gone better.

This is, literally,
the first time in my life

that something has worked out.

Oh, this, and the time
I found out it wasn't polio.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I think so.

Yeah. We have to tell him the truth.

[Gasps] No, woman! No!

Clive, this is not me. I am not a liar.

Pat and I are trying to build
a post-marriage friendship.

I don't want to ruin it with a lie.

We need to tell him.

Yep. This feels more like my life.

So, before you say anything
about how much I suck,

I want to say I'm sorry.

I gave you real bad advice about Ethan.

When I was your age, the closest
we got to flirting on a screen

was typing 58008 on a calculator.

It spelled out "boobs"
if you turned it upside down.

At the time, it was a revelation.

Well, as much as I didn't like
the surprise of him coming over,

it did move things forward with us.

I saw the whole thing, sweetie.

You do not have to sugar-coat it for me.

Well, what you didn't see

is, when I offered him a piece of gum,

he took the pack and then
gave me back the piece.

So, he's greedy.

No, he was flustered.

And that means he likes me.

I knew it! Boobs, yes!

That never would have happened

if we we hadn't been in the same room,

so, thank you.

[Computer chimes]

See, he's back in the
game. He regenerated.

And he killed me.

He's dragging my corpse
through the street.

He seems like a keeper.

All summer?

In the meat aisle, Eileen?

With him?

You picked him, too.

Well, yeah, because he's not a threat.

I mean, it's like you're
dating a pair of khakis.

That's a durable and versatile pant.

Wait a minute. So, our picnic
was really your picnic?

Initially...

- [Sighs]
- ...yes, but it became ours,

and ours it shall always be.

Unbelievable. No wonder
you were rubbing my back.

Hey, there's that back rub thing again.

Look, you know what? I'm sorry.

We spent so much of our marriage
not talking about things,

and I want us to be
honest with each other

now that we're getting a divorce.

And...

I should have told you.

Yes, you should have.

But the person I'm
really upset with is you,

making out with my ex.

I thought we were friends.

We were. We are.

I have needed us so bad, for so long.

Eileen means nothing to me.

Okay, now.

Don't go.

Please.

Give me another chance.

I don't know.

I need some time.

We could still go to The
Cheesecake Factory.

Eileen,

The Cheesecake Factory
is for celebrations!

Well, they never even got my name,

so maybe Lacey won't even
know it was me, right?

[Cellphone vibrates]

That's my phone. Would you read it to me?

Ooh. Lacey texted!

Sad face, skull and crossbones, and fire.

Okay, so she's either
breaking up with you,

or you have an STD.

- I would kill for an STD right now.
- Mm.

Who am I kidding?
I'm probably not even ready.

I mean, I can't imagine
I'm any good at it.

W-What if I'm not fast enough?

I'm not sure speed is the goal.

I mean, I've only been with myself,

and even I'm disappointed sometimes.

Come on. What I learned today

is that we cannot be
so hard on ourselves.

We got to focus on
our positive qualities.

Dude, I have yogurt in my peeper.

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