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1
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[Doorbell rings]
2
00:00:02,272 --> 00:00:03,873
Why can't you answer the door?
3
00:00:03,941 --> 00:00:05,174
Because if I answer the door,
4
00:00:05,242 --> 00:00:07,176
they're gonna think I work here.
5
00:00:07,244 --> 00:00:08,311
- [Doorbell rings]
- Wait a minute. What's wrong with that?
6
00:00:08,378 --> 00:00:09,745
In this neighborhood,
7
00:00:09,813 --> 00:00:11,113
everybody's got a Mexican
answering the door.
8
00:00:11,181 --> 00:00:12,748
- [Doorbell rings]
- Then you answer it.
9
00:00:16,553 --> 00:00:19,322
Your mom... changed the code,
10
00:00:19,389 --> 00:00:22,091
and we had to jump the fence.
11
00:00:23,660 --> 00:00:25,561
Well, how Mexican of you.
12
00:00:25,629 --> 00:00:27,596
Hey, Hyper, make yourself useful.
13
00:00:27,664 --> 00:00:29,265
Go get your grandma something to drink.
14
00:00:29,333 --> 00:00:30,866
Two fingers of Tequila?
15
00:00:30,934 --> 00:00:33,569
No, make it three. Your fingers are tiny.
16
00:00:33,637 --> 00:00:36,739
No, Harper, you are not your
grandmother's mixologist.
17
00:00:36,807 --> 00:00:38,541
Go, do your homework.
18
00:00:39,843 --> 00:00:41,944
Tequila, Alma?
19
00:00:42,012 --> 00:00:43,479
In the middle of the day? Really?
20
00:00:43,547 --> 00:00:46,015
I know. I got a late start.
21
00:00:47,684 --> 00:00:49,352
Who are you to judge?
22
00:00:49,419 --> 00:00:51,020
You're jumping fences.
23
00:00:51,088 --> 00:00:53,055
Flaca.
24
00:00:55,759 --> 00:00:58,227
So, George...
25
00:00:58,295 --> 00:01:00,629
Harper's birthday is coming up soon.
26
00:01:00,697 --> 00:01:01,897
Yes, I know.
27
00:01:01,965 --> 00:01:04,166
- You do?
- Yeah, I do.
28
00:01:04,234 --> 00:01:05,735
Don't look so surprised.
29
00:01:05,802 --> 00:01:08,904
I also know that it falls on
one of the days that I have him.
30
00:01:08,972 --> 00:01:12,274
So this year, I will be planning the party.
31
00:01:12,342 --> 00:01:14,443
Okay.
32
00:01:14,511 --> 00:01:16,212
That's an idea.
33
00:01:16,279 --> 00:01:18,447
Uh, or...
34
00:01:18,515 --> 00:01:20,950
don't you think it would be
in everybody's best interest
35
00:01:21,018 --> 00:01:23,986
if I just plan it like I do every year?
36
00:01:24,054 --> 00:01:25,321
Really? Well, whose best interest
37
00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:28,257
was that lame-ass recycling
party we had last year?
38
00:01:28,325 --> 00:01:31,394
The environment's, George.
39
00:01:31,461 --> 00:01:33,863
Well, I don't care about the environment.
40
00:01:33,930 --> 00:01:35,664
This year, I'm gonna throw
Harper the kind of party
41
00:01:35,732 --> 00:01:37,366
that I want to throw.
42
00:01:37,434 --> 00:01:39,668
Why are you making such a big deal?
43
00:01:39,736 --> 00:01:41,270
You're gonna spoil him.
44
00:01:41,338 --> 00:01:42,905
What are you gonna do
next year for his birthday?
45
00:01:42,973 --> 00:01:44,807
Throw him another party?
46
00:01:44,875 --> 00:01:46,709
That's how it starts.
47
00:01:48,678 --> 00:01:52,214
Okay, Americans love birthdays.
48
00:01:52,282 --> 00:01:55,284
In fact, I saw two girls
hugging in the hallway
49
00:01:55,352 --> 00:01:57,820
because it was their "birthday month."
50
00:01:57,888 --> 00:02:00,089
"Oh, my God, Avery, are you March?
51
00:02:00,157 --> 00:02:02,224
"So am I! Xoxo!
52
00:02:02,292 --> 00:02:03,492
Yay! Mwah!"
53
00:02:05,929 --> 00:02:09,065
America was founded in 1776
54
00:02:09,132 --> 00:02:11,634
with the Declaration of Independence.
55
00:02:11,701 --> 00:02:14,270
Now, think of that document
like a birth certificate
56
00:02:14,337 --> 00:02:15,337
for the baby country.
57
00:02:15,405 --> 00:02:17,406
The U.S. shot out of England,
58
00:02:17,474 --> 00:02:19,742
it cried for a while,
had to fend for itself,
59
00:02:19,810 --> 00:02:21,610
and the first law that
it passed was called...
60
00:02:21,678 --> 00:02:24,480
The United States constitution.
61
00:02:24,548 --> 00:02:28,050
Man, I love it when you
interrupt me and you're wrong!
62
00:02:29,586 --> 00:02:30,653
You're confident.
63
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:33,656
I like that, but you're still wrong.
64
00:02:33,723 --> 00:02:35,391
Now, the colonies came
up with something called
65
00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:37,426
the articles of confederation.
66
00:02:37,494 --> 00:02:40,362
Now, I know that sounds like a
white rap group from the '90s.
67
00:02:40,430 --> 00:02:41,797
"Oh, my God, are you gonna go see
68
00:02:41,865 --> 00:02:43,332
the Articles of Confederation?"
69
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,367
"It's only my birthday month. Duh."
70
00:02:45,435 --> 00:02:47,103
What's the point of this?
71
00:02:47,170 --> 00:02:48,404
The point is,
72
00:02:48,472 --> 00:02:50,306
when you go to a fourth
of July celebration,
73
00:02:50,373 --> 00:02:52,842
you're celebrating the
birth of a new country,
74
00:02:52,909 --> 00:02:57,113
a new start, and a new
beginning for many people.
75
00:02:57,180 --> 00:02:58,581
At my house, we just eat fried food,
76
00:02:58,648 --> 00:03:00,649
my fat Uncle gets drunk,
hits on the neighbor's wife,
77
00:03:00,717 --> 00:03:02,318
and falls asleep naked on the lawn chair
78
00:03:02,385 --> 00:03:04,153
with a full beer in his hand.
79
00:03:04,221 --> 00:03:06,021
And that's what makes America great.
80
00:03:06,089 --> 00:03:08,224
Write that down. Write it down!
81
00:03:08,291 --> 00:03:11,227
- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
82
00:03:11,294 --> 00:03:12,795
'Sup, fool?
83
00:03:12,863 --> 00:03:15,965
♪ ♪
84
00:03:16,032 --> 00:03:17,733
[Laughter]
85
00:03:17,801 --> 00:03:18,934
[Speaking spanish]
86
00:03:19,002 --> 00:03:20,369
[Speaking spanish]
87
00:03:20,437 --> 00:03:22,938
Oh, come on!
88
00:03:23,006 --> 00:03:25,040
Not all of you.
89
00:03:25,108 --> 00:03:27,409
- Just like I said, huh?
- Mm-hmm.
90
00:03:27,477 --> 00:03:29,278
Hey, mom, what are you trying to insinuate?
91
00:03:29,346 --> 00:03:31,046
"Insinuate." Mira.
92
00:03:31,114 --> 00:03:32,882
Big words. The show-off.
93
00:03:32,949 --> 00:03:34,783
[Laughter]
94
00:03:34,851 --> 00:03:37,319
I haven't insinuated since
the batteries went dead
95
00:03:37,387 --> 00:03:39,622
in my insinuator.
96
00:03:39,689 --> 00:03:42,124
[Laughter]
97
00:03:42,192 --> 00:03:43,759
Okay.
98
00:03:43,827 --> 00:03:45,261
Hey, don't you guys have some dogs to walk,
99
00:03:45,328 --> 00:03:47,396
white kids to raise, something to Swiffer?
100
00:03:47,464 --> 00:03:50,166
Ay! I left el Cooper alone watching the TV!
101
00:03:51,868 --> 00:03:55,070
Ay, dios mio!
102
00:03:55,138 --> 00:03:57,139
Oh, my God. What's all that?
103
00:03:57,207 --> 00:04:00,042
I don't know yet. I got all the parts here.
104
00:04:00,110 --> 00:04:03,245
I could still put the goat back together.
105
00:04:03,313 --> 00:04:06,348
Then you'd have a twin.
106
00:04:06,416 --> 00:04:08,851
Hey, I told you I got a taco bar coming
107
00:04:08,919 --> 00:04:11,754
for Harper's birthday with a
sneeze guard and everything.
108
00:04:11,821 --> 00:04:13,489
Here's the thing about goat.
109
00:04:13,557 --> 00:04:16,125
You can sneeze on it, and
it still tastes the same.
110
00:04:17,961 --> 00:04:19,395
Hello, George.
111
00:04:19,462 --> 00:04:21,263
Hello, women who never
say hello back to me.
112
00:04:21,331 --> 00:04:23,899
Just like I said, huh?
113
00:04:23,967 --> 00:04:27,136
Worse. What does a man hold on to?
114
00:04:27,204 --> 00:04:28,904
Yes, I'm thin.
115
00:04:28,972 --> 00:04:30,773
Thank you for noticing.
116
00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:33,209
You know, north of the
border, that's a compliment.
117
00:04:35,412 --> 00:04:37,046
So you ready for Harper's birthday party?
118
00:04:37,113 --> 00:04:38,347
Oh, yeah. Wait a minute.
119
00:04:38,415 --> 00:04:41,483
I got Harper a pinata
and everything. Hang on.
120
00:04:41,551 --> 00:04:44,486
I got him a pinata of the
Aztec warrior Cuauhtemoc.
121
00:04:44,554 --> 00:04:46,422
Because it's not a birthday
party unless you display
122
00:04:46,489 --> 00:04:49,458
a beloved hero of your people,
then you fill him up with candy
123
00:04:49,526 --> 00:04:52,661
and beat the hell out of him with a stick.
124
00:04:52,729 --> 00:04:55,130
- Yo, Georgie.
- Hello, ladies.
125
00:04:55,198 --> 00:04:56,932
How are you doing?
126
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:59,435
You're a vision for the sore eyes.
127
00:05:01,605 --> 00:05:05,040
Uh, guys, you know I'm as big
a party animal as the next gal,
128
00:05:05,108 --> 00:05:08,310
but, uh, well, the invitation
clearly said, "no alcohol."
129
00:05:08,378 --> 00:05:10,279
Oh, I thought you meant for the kids.
130
00:05:12,349 --> 00:05:14,717
Junior, I'm cooking your favorite.
131
00:05:14,784 --> 00:05:16,318
- Goat ankles!
- Pfft!
132
00:05:16,386 --> 00:05:17,820
Ah, which one do I want?
133
00:05:17,887 --> 00:05:20,556
They're all enticing me.
134
00:05:20,624 --> 00:05:22,992
George.
135
00:05:23,059 --> 00:05:25,861
Outside. Now.
136
00:05:27,831 --> 00:05:30,099
I told you fools to keep that in the trunk.
137
00:05:30,166 --> 00:05:34,003
George... "Outside. Now."
138
00:05:41,244 --> 00:05:42,978
No alcohol.
139
00:05:43,046 --> 00:05:45,247
I don't like the message that
drinking in front of kids sends.
140
00:05:45,315 --> 00:05:46,782
Okay, I got news for you.
141
00:05:46,850 --> 00:05:48,150
When we were kids, not only did our parents
142
00:05:48,218 --> 00:05:49,685
drink in front of us, they made us go
143
00:05:49,753 --> 00:05:53,555
to the liquor store and
buy it with our own money.
144
00:05:53,623 --> 00:05:56,425
Your Norman Rockwell upbringing aside,
145
00:05:56,493 --> 00:05:58,093
let's be honest.
146
00:05:58,161 --> 00:06:00,296
Planning parties isn't
exactly in your wheelhouse.
147
00:06:00,363 --> 00:06:01,897
- I'll handle it.
- Oh, no. Hell no.
148
00:06:01,965 --> 00:06:03,766
Okay, you planned all of
Harper's birthday parties
149
00:06:03,833 --> 00:06:04,967
- when we were together...
- Yeah.
150
00:06:05,035 --> 00:06:06,435
And this is the first one in my house,
151
00:06:06,503 --> 00:06:08,637
and we agreed I would handle it.
152
00:06:08,705 --> 00:06:10,372
So other than a keg and goat ankles,
153
00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:12,308
what do you have planned?
154
00:06:12,375 --> 00:06:15,644
The kind of birthday party I
always wanted when I was a kid...
155
00:06:15,712 --> 00:06:18,681
with great Mexican food,
a pinata, tons of soda,
156
00:06:18,748 --> 00:06:21,684
a dog running around
eating all the leftovers,
157
00:06:21,751 --> 00:06:22,818
a little girl with a little mustache
158
00:06:22,886 --> 00:06:26,955
kissing you by the lemon tree like this.
159
00:06:27,023 --> 00:06:29,625
Beans, sugar, rabid dogs,
160
00:06:29,693 --> 00:06:31,460
and a prepubescent sexual awakening?
161
00:06:31,528 --> 00:06:32,895
That sounds magical.
162
00:06:32,962 --> 00:06:34,863
Hey.
163
00:06:34,931 --> 00:06:37,199
Yo, Georgie, hey, the vatos
from the party are here.
164
00:06:37,267 --> 00:06:39,702
The vatos in green.
165
00:06:39,769 --> 00:06:41,737
Oh! They're here! Hola, muchachos!
166
00:06:44,207 --> 00:06:46,141
What are the Mexican Wham! doing here?
167
00:06:46,209 --> 00:06:49,078
[Scoffs]
168
00:06:49,145 --> 00:06:51,847
They are with healthy children's parties.
169
00:06:51,915 --> 00:06:53,082
Hi. Look.
170
00:06:53,149 --> 00:06:54,850
They provide nutritional food
171
00:06:54,918 --> 00:06:57,086
and noncompetitive child-safe games.
172
00:06:57,153 --> 00:06:59,021
[Mocking] Oh, my God.
It sounds like a blast.
173
00:06:59,089 --> 00:07:00,389
All right, kids, gather round.
174
00:07:00,457 --> 00:07:03,192
It's time to play "pin
the soybean on the vegan."
175
00:07:03,259 --> 00:07:05,494
Muchachos, gracias,
176
00:07:05,562 --> 00:07:06,829
pero su puede need.
177
00:07:06,896 --> 00:07:08,430
No.
178
00:07:08,498 --> 00:07:11,367
You guys can go. Thank you.
179
00:07:11,434 --> 00:07:12,935
Fine. Send 'em away.
180
00:07:13,002 --> 00:07:14,169
Then you won't have a party.
181
00:07:14,237 --> 00:07:15,437
You'll just have the usual chaos.
182
00:07:15,505 --> 00:07:17,973
And by "the usual chaos," you mean "fun."
183
00:07:18,041 --> 00:07:20,843
I mean every time your family has a party,
184
00:07:20,910 --> 00:07:22,578
it ends with drunk Mexicans
185
00:07:22,645 --> 00:07:24,880
and a police helicopter circling above.
186
00:07:24,948 --> 00:07:26,982
Yeah, that's how you
know the party was fun.
187
00:07:27,050 --> 00:07:29,385
The police helicopter
is bringing more light.
188
00:07:29,452 --> 00:07:31,253
"Sir, get down." "All right, officer."
189
00:07:36,726 --> 00:07:38,160
George!
190
00:07:38,228 --> 00:07:40,829
Just because you suddenly
decide to play dad
191
00:07:40,897 --> 00:07:42,131
and take an interest in Harper
192
00:07:42,198 --> 00:07:43,699
- Ahem.
- does not...
193
00:07:43,767 --> 00:07:45,501
Mom, I don't want to have a party
194
00:07:45,568 --> 00:07:47,202
if you guys are gonna be arguing.
195
00:07:47,270 --> 00:07:48,537
No!
196
00:07:48,605 --> 00:07:50,806
Honey, what makes you think we're arguing?
197
00:07:50,874 --> 00:07:53,442
The arguing.
198
00:07:53,510 --> 00:07:54,943
No, honey.
199
00:07:55,011 --> 00:07:58,547
We are just talking with excitement
200
00:07:58,615 --> 00:08:00,916
about the great party
that your dad has planned.
201
00:08:00,984 --> 00:08:02,985
That's right, Harper, and
I couldn't have done it
202
00:08:03,052 --> 00:08:06,688
or planned it without
your mom's undying support.
203
00:08:06,756 --> 00:08:08,090
I just want it to be fun.
204
00:08:09,926 --> 00:08:11,326
George, Harper's right.
205
00:08:11,394 --> 00:08:12,895
We cannot argue on his birthday.
206
00:08:12,962 --> 00:08:14,530
Okay, I promise it's gonna be fun.
207
00:08:14,597 --> 00:08:15,798
Okay? No chaos.
208
00:08:15,865 --> 00:08:17,433
Harper! Hang on.
209
00:08:17,500 --> 00:08:19,501
Hey, Harper.
210
00:08:19,569 --> 00:08:20,836
Hey, man, I'm sorry about that, buddy.
211
00:08:20,904 --> 00:08:22,871
All right, your mom and
I aren't gonna argue.
212
00:08:22,939 --> 00:08:24,940
As a matter of fact,
this day is all about you.
213
00:08:25,008 --> 00:08:26,975
I got some great stuff
planned. I got a pinata.
214
00:08:27,043 --> 00:08:28,677
I got a taco bar. I got water guns.
215
00:08:28,745 --> 00:08:30,779
I got real guns.
216
00:08:30,847 --> 00:08:33,115
No, I'm just kidding.
217
00:08:33,183 --> 00:08:34,850
- Okay, dad. Sounds great.
- Okay.
218
00:08:34,918 --> 00:08:36,518
Hey! Oh, and another thing.
219
00:08:36,586 --> 00:08:38,854
If Tio gives you a cigar, don't smoke it,
220
00:08:38,922 --> 00:08:41,590
and don't tell your mom.
221
00:08:41,658 --> 00:08:44,293
As a rule, don't ever accept
anything Tio ever gives you.
222
00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:46,028
I know. Mom already told me.
223
00:08:49,265 --> 00:08:51,033
What?
224
00:08:51,100 --> 00:08:53,836
What is this?
225
00:08:53,903 --> 00:08:56,538
What the hell? Come on!
226
00:08:56,606 --> 00:08:58,140
[Muffled shouting]
227
00:08:58,208 --> 00:09:00,576
"This facility is temporarily predisposed"?
228
00:09:00,643 --> 00:09:02,711
Oh, come on. What is this?
229
00:09:02,779 --> 00:09:04,546
Come on! Take his mask off!
230
00:09:04,614 --> 00:09:05,981
What the hell is going on in here?
231
00:09:06,049 --> 00:09:07,382
We're watching Mexican wrestling.
232
00:09:07,450 --> 00:09:08,851
It's a good fight too. Lot of blood.
233
00:09:08,918 --> 00:09:10,686
Hey, I could have been a Mexican wrestler,
234
00:09:10,753 --> 00:09:14,623
but I had passport issues.
235
00:09:14,691 --> 00:09:16,959
Tio, what are you doing in my tub, man?
236
00:09:17,026 --> 00:09:19,328
This is my bathroom.
This ain't a media room.
237
00:09:19,395 --> 00:09:22,064
Hey, we came here to party, Georgie.
238
00:09:22,131 --> 00:09:23,966
Yeah, but MacKenzie said, "no
drinking in front of the kids,"
239
00:09:24,033 --> 00:09:25,367
so we're partying in here.
240
00:09:25,435 --> 00:09:28,604
Yeah, in a children-free zone.
241
00:09:28,671 --> 00:09:30,506
All right, well, keep
the booze in here, man.
242
00:09:30,573 --> 00:09:32,107
Don't let it spill into my party.
243
00:09:32,175 --> 00:09:35,110
Hey, who's wrestling?
244
00:09:35,178 --> 00:09:38,146
La Plancha y el pPedo Negro.
245
00:09:38,214 --> 00:09:39,681
Oh! Oh! Oh!
246
00:09:39,749 --> 00:09:41,149
El Pedo went for the nut shot.
247
00:09:41,217 --> 00:09:42,384
Y la Plancha fell for it. Wow.
248
00:09:42,452 --> 00:09:44,486
Que pendejo! Goes to show you.
249
00:09:44,554 --> 00:09:46,321
What's that gonna show me?
250
00:09:46,389 --> 00:09:47,422
That if I ever get in a fight
251
00:09:47,490 --> 00:09:48,757
with a guy called "The Black Fart,"
252
00:09:48,825 --> 00:09:51,927
to be on the lookout for the nut shot?
253
00:09:51,995 --> 00:09:53,328
- Duh. Yeah.
- Yeah.
254
00:09:58,394 --> 00:10:00,362
Kids are in the backyard.
255
00:10:00,430 --> 00:10:02,097
[Whistles]
256
00:10:03,633 --> 00:10:06,535
Guns, George? Guns?
257
00:10:06,602 --> 00:10:08,603
Come on. They shoot water.
258
00:10:08,671 --> 00:10:10,372
You want a real gun,
259
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,275
I got a guy by the airport.
260
00:10:16,546 --> 00:10:18,780
Well, Harmony, Connor's mother,
261
00:10:18,848 --> 00:10:21,183
saw a picture of him holding
one of these on Instagram,
262
00:10:21,250 --> 00:10:22,651
and I had to stop her from leaving hot yoga
263
00:10:22,718 --> 00:10:23,585
to pick up her kid.
264
00:10:25,955 --> 00:10:27,556
What are these kids doing now?
265
00:10:27,623 --> 00:10:31,760
Well, they're not making the
biosphere that I had planned.
266
00:10:31,828 --> 00:10:33,428
They're just playing games on their phones,
267
00:10:33,496 --> 00:10:35,630
totally bored, including Harper.
268
00:10:35,698 --> 00:10:37,999
Oh, man.
269
00:10:39,402 --> 00:10:42,370
- Hey, Brandon.
- Oh, hi, Brandon.
270
00:10:42,438 --> 00:10:45,440
This party blows.
271
00:10:45,508 --> 00:10:48,743
So is this the raucous fun you had in mind?
272
00:10:48,811 --> 00:10:50,545
They're just hungry.
273
00:10:50,613 --> 00:10:51,847
Hey, kids! Hey!
274
00:10:51,914 --> 00:10:55,217
Put your phones down. Who wants tacos?
275
00:10:55,284 --> 00:10:57,986
Hey, old lady, where's my taco bar?
276
00:10:58,054 --> 00:11:01,256
No taco bar. Just goat.
277
00:11:01,324 --> 00:11:02,457
Goat? Wait a minute.
278
00:11:02,525 --> 00:11:04,226
I paid those guys to be here all day.
279
00:11:04,293 --> 00:11:07,129
I kicked 'em out. Their
food didn't look clean.
280
00:11:07,196 --> 00:11:09,097
Got ya!
281
00:11:12,568 --> 00:11:15,437
Dad, I thought we were having a taco bar
282
00:11:15,505 --> 00:11:17,205
with an assortment of toppings.
283
00:11:17,273 --> 00:11:20,108
Uh, yeah, we were, but your grandma decided
284
00:11:20,176 --> 00:11:21,710
to surprise you for your birthday
285
00:11:21,777 --> 00:11:24,546
with some delicacies from our native land.
286
00:11:24,614 --> 00:11:26,148
Yeah, yeah.
287
00:11:26,215 --> 00:11:28,683
That right there is goat tongue, uh-huh.
288
00:11:28,751 --> 00:11:29,918
It's as good as it smells.
289
00:11:29,986 --> 00:11:31,253
I can see it in your face.
290
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:32,787
Now, this one right here,
291
00:11:32,855 --> 00:11:34,189
I'm not sure... I'm not sure what...
292
00:11:34,257 --> 00:11:37,425
what, uh, what that is,
but, uh, it's delicious.
293
00:11:37,493 --> 00:11:39,995
And this one right here,
you know the Wolverine?
294
00:11:40,062 --> 00:11:41,863
He eats that every day for lunch.
295
00:11:41,931 --> 00:11:43,665
That's why his sideburns get like that.
296
00:11:43,733 --> 00:11:46,334
And when he mixes the two,
that's when the claws come out.
297
00:11:46,402 --> 00:11:49,004
[Sighs] Oh, great.
298
00:11:50,873 --> 00:11:54,042
All right, kids, who
wants some Wolverine food?
299
00:11:54,110 --> 00:11:57,879
My allergy team identified
these foods I need to avoid.
300
00:11:57,947 --> 00:12:00,315
Do any of the entrees
contain these ingredients?
301
00:12:07,823 --> 00:12:09,724
Do you speak English?
302
00:12:09,792 --> 00:12:11,793
No.
303
00:12:11,861 --> 00:12:14,095
I no hablo English.
304
00:12:14,163 --> 00:12:19,234
I only be in the United States 51 years.
305
00:12:19,302 --> 00:12:22,337
Come, gringo. I take you to candy.
306
00:12:27,043 --> 00:12:28,410
Get your ass in there.
307
00:12:30,413 --> 00:12:31,713
Here. Eat.
308
00:12:36,586 --> 00:12:38,887
Hey! My father is the Vice President
309
00:12:38,955 --> 00:12:40,956
of a Fortune 500 company!
310
00:12:41,023 --> 00:12:42,824
My father's dead.
311
00:12:45,461 --> 00:12:47,562
[Latin music plays] [Chattering in spanish]
312
00:12:47,630 --> 00:12:48,830
Oh!
313
00:12:48,898 --> 00:12:49,931
(All) George!
314
00:12:49,999 --> 00:12:51,700
Hey!
315
00:12:51,767 --> 00:12:55,337
Whoo!
316
00:12:55,404 --> 00:12:57,272
Como estas?
317
00:12:57,340 --> 00:12:59,608
Sandia!
318
00:12:59,675 --> 00:13:02,143
It's a fun afternoon for you.
319
00:13:02,211 --> 00:13:04,512
(All) Sandia!
320
00:13:10,820 --> 00:13:12,153
Man, Junior, when we were kids,
321
00:13:12,221 --> 00:13:13,355
parties used to be fun.
322
00:13:13,422 --> 00:13:14,756
Why is this so hard?
323
00:13:14,824 --> 00:13:16,858
Oh, those parties were the best.
324
00:13:16,926 --> 00:13:19,027
Going to the liquor store to buy alcohol,
325
00:13:19,095 --> 00:13:20,729
jumping from roof to roof.
326
00:13:20,796 --> 00:13:23,098
Hey, I landed on a nail one time
327
00:13:23,165 --> 00:13:25,834
and didn't even puncture my skin.
328
00:13:25,901 --> 00:13:28,103
Daddy's epidermis layers are extra thick
329
00:13:28,170 --> 00:13:30,272
like Canadian bacon.
330
00:13:32,241 --> 00:13:34,709
What the hell are you talking about?
331
00:13:34,777 --> 00:13:37,512
I have special fibers
laced together real tight
332
00:13:37,580 --> 00:13:41,349
like the... like the
tiles on the space shuttle.
333
00:13:41,417 --> 00:13:43,718
Put a rocket on his back,
he shoots right to the moon.
334
00:13:43,786 --> 00:13:45,620
Buzz Aldrin, that fool needs a ship.
335
00:13:45,688 --> 00:13:48,089
I don't need no stinking ship.
336
00:13:48,157 --> 00:13:52,427
Yeah, astronaut pendejo,
reporting for duty.
337
00:13:52,495 --> 00:13:54,896
But these kids, man, they need
to be constantly entertained.
338
00:13:54,964 --> 00:13:58,199
I need some fun, something
to get 'em off their phones.
339
00:13:58,267 --> 00:14:01,303
Hey, Georgie, I got the perfect thing.
340
00:14:01,370 --> 00:14:03,138
[Chuckles]
341
00:14:03,205 --> 00:14:05,140
I'll give these kids an entertainment
342
00:14:05,207 --> 00:14:07,108
they'll never forget.
343
00:14:07,176 --> 00:14:10,011
Vamos, Junior. It's time for show!
344
00:14:10,079 --> 00:14:11,379
[Grunts]
345
00:14:11,447 --> 00:14:13,214
Tio, what are you gonna do?
346
00:14:13,282 --> 00:14:17,619
A full-fledged entertainment is on the way.
347
00:14:17,687 --> 00:14:19,721
Vamos, Junior. Come on, mijo.
348
00:14:19,789 --> 00:14:23,191
[Laughter, indistinct chatter]
349
00:14:29,932 --> 00:14:32,067
Oh.
350
00:14:32,134 --> 00:14:34,669
I think el Pedo Negro struck again.
351
00:14:34,737 --> 00:14:36,271
Sandia!
352
00:14:40,104 --> 00:14:41,505
Sandia.
353
00:14:41,572 --> 00:14:43,807
[Knock at door]
354
00:14:43,875 --> 00:14:46,877
(MacKenzie) Is someone
smoking a cigarette in there?
355
00:14:46,944 --> 00:14:49,713
Shh, guys, shh. Shut up, shut up.
356
00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:54,251
George, what the hell?
357
00:14:54,319 --> 00:14:55,952
Hey, don't you see the sign on the door?
358
00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:59,589
This bathroom is temporarily predisposed.
359
00:14:59,657 --> 00:15:01,825
The party is falling apart,
and you're in here drinking
360
00:15:01,893 --> 00:15:03,627
with half of Juarez.
361
00:15:03,695 --> 00:15:06,563
La policia. Vamonos, venga.
362
00:15:06,631 --> 00:15:08,065
[Giggling]
363
00:15:08,132 --> 00:15:09,499
Yeah, vamonos. Porque sabes que...
364
00:15:09,567 --> 00:15:11,535
Ah!
365
00:15:13,471 --> 00:15:17,307
All I wanted was a safe and fun environment
366
00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:19,376
for Harper and not the usual chaos.
367
00:15:19,444 --> 00:15:20,477
Okay, stop saying that! Okay?
368
00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:21,878
This is normal.
369
00:15:21,946 --> 00:15:23,680
Oh, it's normal to have
a kegger in your bathroom?
370
00:15:23,748 --> 00:15:25,415
It's normal for every family gathering
371
00:15:25,483 --> 00:15:26,983
to end in urgent care?
372
00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:28,452
It's normal for a godparent
373
00:15:28,519 --> 00:15:30,654
to bring a handgun to a baptism?
374
00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:33,190
Okay, for the last time, I told you,
375
00:15:33,257 --> 00:15:35,459
that man was protecting the baby.
376
00:15:39,030 --> 00:15:40,197
[Scoffs]
377
00:15:40,264 --> 00:15:42,699
George, I don't want Harper growing up
378
00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:44,868
thinking this kind of
behavior is appropriate.
379
00:15:44,936 --> 00:15:46,169
Yeah, what kind of behavior is that?
380
00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:48,605
George, these Mexican
parties are always the same.
381
00:15:48,673 --> 00:15:50,841
It's always, "eh, vato.
382
00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:53,643
You see that girl? She got a fat ass."
383
00:15:53,711 --> 00:15:56,046
"Which one?" "You know.
384
00:15:56,114 --> 00:15:59,116
The one with the fat ass."
385
00:15:59,183 --> 00:16:00,884
"The fat-assed one?"
386
00:16:00,952 --> 00:16:03,153
"Nah! Forget her, man!"
387
00:16:03,221 --> 00:16:04,721
"Hey... " [mimics smoking]
388
00:16:04,789 --> 00:16:08,024
"Let's drop out of high
school and sit in parking lots
389
00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:12,295
and wink at white women."
390
00:16:12,363 --> 00:16:15,132
Sound familiar, George?
391
00:16:15,199 --> 00:16:18,535
Yeah, I didn't realize you were
paying such close attention.
392
00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:20,404
Well, I've seen it all, George.
393
00:16:20,471 --> 00:16:22,005
Okay, well, I've seen it all too.
394
00:16:22,073 --> 00:16:23,740
And if it were up to you,
Harper would be wearing
395
00:16:23,808 --> 00:16:26,977
a sailor suit with a white
hat, surrounded by your friends.
396
00:16:27,044 --> 00:16:28,979
"Oh, my God. Avery
can't make it to hot yoga
397
00:16:29,046 --> 00:16:30,914
because I totally flaked and scheduled
398
00:16:30,982 --> 00:16:33,650
a dressage lesson at the same time."
399
00:16:33,718 --> 00:16:37,187
(Junior) Damas y caballeros!
400
00:16:37,255 --> 00:16:40,390
Viene derecho del infierno el diablo!
401
00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:42,592
In English! They're all white kids!
402
00:16:42,660 --> 00:16:46,163
Ladies and gentlemen, directly from hell,
403
00:16:46,230 --> 00:16:47,731
El Diablo!
404
00:16:47,799 --> 00:16:49,466
George, what the hell is your Uncle doing?
405
00:16:49,534 --> 00:16:52,436
I am El Diablo!
406
00:16:52,503 --> 00:16:54,037
I am here!
407
00:16:54,105 --> 00:16:55,572
I am angry!
408
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:58,842
I am from the hell!
409
00:16:58,910 --> 00:17:03,113
[Shouting gibberish]
410
00:17:03,181 --> 00:17:06,283
Hey! Oy! Oy! Oy!
411
00:17:06,350 --> 00:17:08,518
[Mutters] Oh, okay, all right.
412
00:17:08,586 --> 00:17:10,120
(Junior) All right.
413
00:17:10,188 --> 00:17:11,955
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
414
00:17:12,023 --> 00:17:14,491
the El Diablo flip!
415
00:17:14,559 --> 00:17:16,993
Okay! Children!
416
00:17:17,061 --> 00:17:18,361
Do not try this at home!
417
00:17:18,429 --> 00:17:21,064
Esta es muy elegante!
418
00:17:21,132 --> 00:17:22,332
English! White kids!
419
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:25,802
This is very... elegante!
420
00:17:25,870 --> 00:17:28,438
Hiya! Hiya! Ho!
421
00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:30,507
Ha! Whoa!
422
00:17:30,575 --> 00:17:31,808
(All) Oh!
423
00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:33,810
Daddy?
424
00:17:33,878 --> 00:17:34,811
Tio, are you all right?
425
00:17:34,879 --> 00:17:37,547
Uh, I'm alive.
426
00:17:37,615 --> 00:17:39,182
I can't breathe. I can't brea...
427
00:17:39,250 --> 00:17:41,751
I am El Diablo!
428
00:17:41,819 --> 00:17:44,721
I am... ay, mijo.
429
00:17:44,789 --> 00:17:47,691
Take me back to the... to the hell.
430
00:17:47,758 --> 00:17:51,461
Okay, daddy... I mean, Diablo.
431
00:17:51,529 --> 00:17:53,063
[Groans]
432
00:17:53,130 --> 00:17:55,065
Okay.
433
00:17:55,132 --> 00:17:57,467
[Whimpering]
434
00:17:57,535 --> 00:17:59,669
Hey! Children!
435
00:17:59,737 --> 00:18:04,140
El Diablo needs a minute to recuperate...
436
00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:06,409
and to put his shoulder back in its socket.
437
00:18:10,314 --> 00:18:12,249
Next time I ask for a party,
438
00:18:12,316 --> 00:18:15,118
can we just not have a party?
439
00:18:23,593 --> 00:18:27,863
(Tio and Junior) ♪ yo se
bien que estoy afuera ♪
440
00:18:27,930 --> 00:18:32,200
♪ pero el dia que yo me muera ♪
441
00:18:32,268 --> 00:18:34,269
[Door closes] Is Tio gonna be all right?
442
00:18:34,337 --> 00:18:35,837
He'll be fine.
443
00:18:35,905 --> 00:18:37,472
I once saw him jump four stories
444
00:18:37,540 --> 00:18:39,975
and land on his back as Batman.
445
00:18:41,577 --> 00:18:43,245
You really screwed up this party.
446
00:18:43,312 --> 00:18:45,213
Well, your negative presence
447
00:18:45,281 --> 00:18:49,084
and your water gun buyback
program didn't help either.
448
00:18:49,152 --> 00:18:51,753
All right. I was an accomplice.
449
00:18:51,821 --> 00:18:54,322
You were right about one thing.
450
00:18:54,390 --> 00:18:56,491
To get through a kids'
party, you do need alcohol.
451
00:18:56,559 --> 00:18:58,160
[Chuckles]
452
00:18:58,227 --> 00:19:00,695
That's the one thing us
Mexicans have always understood.
453
00:19:00,763 --> 00:19:03,265
You call it a coping
mechanism, we call it a 12-pack.
454
00:19:03,332 --> 00:19:06,735
[Both chuckle]
455
00:19:06,803 --> 00:19:09,070
Are you really afraid Harper's
gonna end up too Mexican?
456
00:19:09,138 --> 00:19:11,373
No.
457
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:14,309
He'll always be Mexican. It's in his blood.
458
00:19:14,377 --> 00:19:15,777
That's not what scares me.
459
00:19:15,845 --> 00:19:18,814
I'm afraid he's gonna turn out like you.
460
00:19:18,881 --> 00:19:22,918
Clueless.
461
00:19:22,985 --> 00:19:24,319
I would ask you what that means,
462
00:19:24,387 --> 00:19:27,823
but that would make me clueless.
463
00:19:29,592 --> 00:19:31,326
I know your heart was in the right place,
464
00:19:31,394 --> 00:19:32,727
but you were trying to give Harper
465
00:19:32,795 --> 00:19:34,763
the kind of party you wanted as a kid.
466
00:19:34,831 --> 00:19:37,032
You should have given him
the kind of party he wanted.
467
00:19:37,099 --> 00:19:39,601
All right, okay, I screwed up. I'm sorry.
468
00:19:39,669 --> 00:19:42,671
Well, I'm not the one you
should be apologizing to.
469
00:19:51,747 --> 00:19:53,715
Huh.
470
00:19:53,783 --> 00:19:56,518
So this was not a fun party, was it?
471
00:19:56,586 --> 00:19:58,920
Not really.
472
00:19:58,988 --> 00:20:00,922
Listen, Harper.
473
00:20:00,990 --> 00:20:04,159
I tried to do something special for you.
474
00:20:04,227 --> 00:20:07,329
It just kind of got away from me.
475
00:20:07,396 --> 00:20:09,030
I'm sorry I ruined your birthday.
476
00:20:09,098 --> 00:20:11,466
[Siren wails]
477
00:20:11,534 --> 00:20:13,168
What the hell is that?
478
00:20:15,037 --> 00:20:16,838
I am El Diablo!
479
00:20:16,906 --> 00:20:19,074
I can pee wherever I want to!
480
00:20:19,141 --> 00:20:23,879
And tasers don't affect me!
481
00:20:23,946 --> 00:20:26,147
- [Electricity crackling]
- [Screams]
482
00:20:26,215 --> 00:20:27,883
Oh! Man!
483
00:20:27,950 --> 00:20:29,417
Daddy!
484
00:20:32,221 --> 00:20:34,422
Are you okay, daddy?
485
00:20:38,060 --> 00:20:40,428
El Diablo has had a rough day.
486
00:20:40,496 --> 00:20:44,199
(Children) Diablo! Diablo! Diablo!
487
00:20:44,267 --> 00:20:45,700
Diablo! Diablo!
488
00:20:45,768 --> 00:20:47,235
Diablo! Diablo!
489
00:20:47,303 --> 00:20:48,270
(Children) Diablo! Diablo! Diablo!
490
00:20:48,337 --> 00:20:49,804
(Junior) Okay, hold on.
491
00:20:49,872 --> 00:20:51,706
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
492
00:20:51,774 --> 00:20:53,708
Thank you. Thank you, children.
493
00:20:53,776 --> 00:20:56,578
El Diablo is available for future birthdays
494
00:20:56,646 --> 00:20:58,079
and bar mitzvahs.
495
00:20:58,147 --> 00:21:00,315
Hey, hey, and the girl ones too.
496
00:21:00,383 --> 00:21:01,683
The bats!
497
00:21:05,588 --> 00:21:06,788
How cool was that?
498
00:21:06,856 --> 00:21:09,824
My Uncle got tasered
by the cops in my house.
499
00:21:09,892 --> 00:21:11,793
- Can we do this every year?
- Hell yeah.
500
00:21:11,861 --> 00:21:12,994
- Christmas too.
- Yes!
501
00:21:16,232 --> 00:21:17,666
Top that, white girl.
502
00:21:17,733 --> 00:21:20,001
Oh! You got lucky this time.
503
00:21:20,069 --> 00:21:21,169
What are you gonna do,
504
00:21:21,237 --> 00:21:22,404
have your Uncle tasered every year?
505
00:21:22,471 --> 00:21:23,270
No, I thought next year, we'd do you.
506
00:21:23,271 --> 00:21:24,271
[taser sound]
507
00:21:24,976 --> 00:21:27,502
Ow! Right on my vaccination!
508
00:21:27,503 --> 00:21:29,171
"Hey, shut up, fool!"
509
00:21:40,572 --> 00:21:42,386
Hello?
510
00:21:43,987 --> 00:21:44,953
Hola?
511
00:21:45,837 --> 00:21:47,954
I... I finished the goat ankle.
512
00:21:47,955 --> 00:21:48,955
Shut up!
513
00:21:51,658 --> 00:21:59,956
- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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