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okay, we bet $50,000.
3
00:00:54,135 --> 00:00:56,100
- rOSEANNE: i call.
- it's not your turn, mom.
4
00:00:56,135 --> 00:00:59,033
i know,
but it's my house.
5
00:00:59,068 --> 00:01:01,033
we gonna play poker,
or shoot the breeze?
6
00:01:01,068 --> 00:01:02,968
- shoot the breeze.
- dAN: okay.
7
00:01:03,003 --> 00:01:05,701
the portchester game,
last game of my senior year.
8
00:01:05,736 --> 00:01:08,367
- we're down by a touchdown
with one minute to go.
9
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:11,100
- let's play poker.
- now we gotta shoot the breeze. i get to tell this story.
10
00:01:11,135 --> 00:01:14,400
- dad, we know this story.
- this time i'm telling it from the referee's point of view.
11
00:01:14,435 --> 00:01:16,801
- i got a pair.
- so do i.
12
00:01:16,836 --> 00:01:18,834
yeah, but roseanne's
are showing.
13
00:01:20,234 --> 00:01:23,067
you guys think we don't get
your corny little sex jokes.
14
00:01:23,102 --> 00:01:26,100
hey, you kids are
our corny little sex jokes.
15
00:01:31,435 --> 00:01:34,667
geez, it's the fuzz!
hide the cards and the jif!
16
00:01:34,702 --> 00:01:37,133
darlene, i think
it's high time
17
00:01:37,168 --> 00:01:39,467
we taught d.j. how to
play 52-card pickup.
18
00:01:43,235 --> 00:01:46,033
ta-da!
19
00:01:46,068 --> 00:01:48,033
dad, what are
you doing here?
20
00:01:48,068 --> 00:01:50,133
i came to see my
sweet little kapushka.
21
00:01:50,168 --> 00:01:52,801
- al!
- hey, daddy!
22
00:01:52,836 --> 00:01:56,267
dad!
oh, my gosh!
23
00:01:56,302 --> 00:01:58,300
- is everything okay?
- fine, fine.
24
00:01:58,335 --> 00:02:00,234
where's grandma?
25
00:02:01,300 --> 00:02:03,901
- here she is now.
- hello!
26
00:02:03,936 --> 00:02:05,968
mom!
27
00:02:06,003 --> 00:02:09,334
- mom, hi.
- aww.
28
00:02:09,369 --> 00:02:11,834
what are you guys
doing in lanford?
29
00:02:11,869 --> 00:02:14,968
well, we got up this morning and i said
to your mother, "what do you wanna do?"
30
00:02:15,003 --> 00:02:18,133
and as usual she had no opinion, so
i said, "let's go for a little ride."
31
00:02:18,168 --> 00:02:21,968
two hundred and fifty miles
isn't a little drive.
32
00:02:22,003 --> 00:02:24,300
especially when you have
a woman sitting next to you
33
00:02:24,335 --> 00:02:27,501
who whenever you pass a car says,
"i wonder where they're going."
34
00:02:27,536 --> 00:02:30,000
boy, she's got problems.
35
00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:33,133
ma, why didn't
you call?
36
00:02:33,168 --> 00:02:35,334
i did, but your
line was busy.
37
00:02:35,369 --> 00:02:37,801
then i tried your sister.
i couldn't get a hold of her.
38
00:02:37,836 --> 00:02:39,968
i thought maybe something
was wrong, but of course,
39
00:02:40,003 --> 00:02:42,467
if there were, god knows,
she would never tell me.
40
00:02:42,502 --> 00:02:45,167
my apartment was getting
fumigated, mom, so-
41
00:02:45,202 --> 00:02:46,934
fumigated for what?
42
00:02:58,769 --> 00:02:59,834
- we need milk-
- milk.
43
00:02:59,869 --> 00:03:01,133
- we need eggs.
- eggs.
44
00:03:01,168 --> 00:03:02,734
bullets.
45
00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:08,067
come on, dan, let's just
try to get through this.
46
00:03:09,602 --> 00:03:11,567
rOSEANNE:
what are you doing up?
47
00:03:11,602 --> 00:03:13,067
i can't sleep.
48
00:03:13,102 --> 00:03:15,467
grandpa's in the bathroom
making those gagging noises.
49
00:03:15,502 --> 00:03:17,467
ew.
50
00:03:17,502 --> 00:03:19,300
how long's
he been in there?
51
00:03:19,335 --> 00:03:21,300
at least
a half an hour.
52
00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:23,734
well, he's probably
got it all up by now.
53
00:03:24,968 --> 00:03:27,133
why don't you
go back to bed.
54
00:03:27,168 --> 00:03:29,267
mom, he's really
driving me crazy.
55
00:03:29,302 --> 00:03:32,834
if he says "pull my finger"
one more time-
56
00:03:34,601 --> 00:03:38,567
well, now you know where i get
my smart, sophisticated wit.
57
00:03:39,634 --> 00:03:42,334
i can't believe
that man raised you.
58
00:03:42,369 --> 00:03:45,200
now you know why i was so
crazy to marry you so young.
59
00:03:45,235 --> 00:03:47,200
i thought it was because
you were madly in love.
60
00:03:47,235 --> 00:03:49,968
yeah, with the idea of
getting out of my house.
61
00:03:52,801 --> 00:03:55,667
is there a place
in here to sit down?
62
00:03:55,702 --> 00:03:59,200
yeah, why don't you try one of
these things we call "chairs"?
63
00:03:59,235 --> 00:04:01,133
we sit in 'em
frequently.
64
00:04:02,968 --> 00:04:06,033
what kind of list is he making?
not that it's any of my business.
65
00:04:06,068 --> 00:04:07,467
a hit list.
66
00:04:10,567 --> 00:04:13,267
he's just gonna go out to the
store and pick up a few things.
67
00:04:13,302 --> 00:04:15,834
please don't get
anything special for me.
68
00:04:15,869 --> 00:04:18,133
i'll eat whatever you have,
but your father's diet
69
00:04:18,168 --> 00:04:21,534
is low sodium, low fat,
and high fiber.
70
00:04:21,569 --> 00:04:23,734
so why don't we just get
him some wood, you know?
71
00:04:23,769 --> 00:04:27,367
and then he can put mustard on it
and, you know, that'd be a good treat.
72
00:04:27,402 --> 00:04:30,701
mustard's high in fat.
a lot of people don't know that.
73
00:04:30,736 --> 00:04:33,234
a lot of people
don't care.
74
00:04:33,269 --> 00:04:35,767
i do, but doggone it,
i gotta go.
75
00:04:42,168 --> 00:04:44,667
- he's not working, is he?
- he's working.
76
00:04:44,702 --> 00:04:47,367
well, i'm glad,
because your father worries,
77
00:04:47,402 --> 00:04:49,200
especially about
your sister.
78
00:04:51,569 --> 00:04:53,534
he doesn't
have to worry.
79
00:04:53,569 --> 00:04:57,167
well, somebody has to.
she's 32, she's unmarried.
80
00:04:57,202 --> 00:04:59,934
heaven forbid that she turns out
to be like your aunt dale,
81
00:04:59,969 --> 00:05:02,501
who teaches p.e.
82
00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:06,067
speaking of aunt dale,
how is uncle shirley?
83
00:05:09,634 --> 00:05:12,100
also, your father
is concerned
84
00:05:12,135 --> 00:05:14,167
because your sister
lives in a building
85
00:05:14,202 --> 00:05:16,267
that needs
to be fumigated.
86
00:05:16,302 --> 00:05:18,300
but i am her mother.
87
00:05:18,335 --> 00:05:21,200
it is not my job
to tell her what to do.
88
00:05:21,235 --> 00:05:22,701
oh, i get it.
89
00:05:22,736 --> 00:05:26,267
but it is your job to tell me
to tell her what to do.
90
00:05:26,302 --> 00:05:29,601
yes, i'm sure petunias
are perennials.
91
00:05:35,167 --> 00:05:38,067
jackie, mom was just
talking about you.
92
00:05:38,102 --> 00:05:40,901
now you get to listen
while she talks about me.
93
00:05:44,834 --> 00:05:46,968
so, are we gonna
talk about roseanne?
94
00:05:47,003 --> 00:05:50,300
certainly not. it's just that
your father is worried about her.
95
00:05:50,335 --> 00:05:52,667
she seems so tired
all the time.
96
00:05:52,702 --> 00:05:54,200
mama...
97
00:05:54,235 --> 00:05:57,267
you've been here
a grand total of one hour.
98
00:05:57,302 --> 00:05:59,467
how do you know
how tired she is?
99
00:05:59,502 --> 00:06:02,434
a mother knows.
100
00:06:02,469 --> 00:06:04,934
granted, it is
a different generation,
101
00:06:04,969 --> 00:06:08,367
but your father would have died
before he made me go out to work.
102
00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:10,767
dan doesn't make
roseanne work.
103
00:06:10,802 --> 00:06:12,834
that's what
she tells you.
104
00:06:12,869 --> 00:06:15,901
but you've never been married.
you don't know these things.
105
00:06:17,033 --> 00:06:19,033
what'd you find out
about me?
106
00:06:19,068 --> 00:06:21,367
you're
very tired.
107
00:06:21,402 --> 00:06:23,367
hey, ma, is two
blankets enough?
108
00:06:23,402 --> 00:06:27,334
two's fine,
if that's all you have.
109
00:06:27,369 --> 00:06:30,200
no, i have more.
how many would you like?
110
00:06:30,235 --> 00:06:31,567
what did
your father say?
111
00:06:31,602 --> 00:06:35,133
he says he's gonna be sleeping
out in the driveway naked.
112
00:06:36,934 --> 00:06:38,934
how many blankets
do you want, ma?
113
00:06:38,969 --> 00:06:42,000
if you have two,
two's fine.
114
00:06:48,901 --> 00:06:50,901
i am this close
to the edge,
115
00:06:50,936 --> 00:06:52,968
and if i go over,
i'm taking you with me.
116
00:06:53,003 --> 00:06:56,367
she does have a way
about her, doesn't she?
117
00:06:56,402 --> 00:06:59,434
if she wants to rag on your life,
why doesn't she just tell you?
118
00:06:59,469 --> 00:07:02,300
i'm getting so sick of these
behind-the-back conversations.
119
00:07:02,335 --> 00:07:04,901
you mean, like the one we're
having about mom right now?
120
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,067
- yeah.
- yeah.
121
00:07:08,102 --> 00:07:11,734
i mean, why should i have to
defend the guys you go out with?
122
00:07:11,769 --> 00:07:13,501
you shouldn't.
123
00:07:13,536 --> 00:07:15,501
and i'm tired of
explaining to her
124
00:07:15,536 --> 00:07:18,267
why your house is
so filthy all the time.
125
00:07:20,601 --> 00:07:22,434
yeah, that's
my business.
126
00:07:22,469 --> 00:07:24,434
yeah, she just
doesn't let up.
127
00:07:24,469 --> 00:07:26,701
well, she's gonna let up,
because i'm gonna lay into her.
128
00:07:26,736 --> 00:07:28,434
well, i'm gonna
lay into her too.
129
00:07:28,469 --> 00:07:30,634
that woman's not qualified
to judge anybody's life.
130
00:07:30,669 --> 00:07:32,167
- where is she?
- mom?!
131
00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:34,300
enough is enough already.
we gotta do this.
132
00:07:34,335 --> 00:07:35,467
absolutely.
133
00:07:35,502 --> 00:07:38,467
i found this under
your sister's sofa.
134
00:07:39,634 --> 00:07:41,467
mom, why are you
giving it to me?
135
00:07:41,502 --> 00:07:44,167
it's her potato chips, it's
her sofa, it's her house.
136
00:07:44,202 --> 00:07:46,767
if you don't like the way
that roseanne keeps house,
137
00:07:46,802 --> 00:07:49,534
then you talk to roseanne
about it, you don't talk to me.
138
00:07:49,569 --> 00:07:51,868
and if you don't like
the way that i run my life,
139
00:07:51,903 --> 00:07:54,367
then you talk to me about it,
you don't talk to roseanne.
140
00:07:54,402 --> 00:07:57,901
we're- we're sick and tired of
the way that you manipulate us.
141
00:07:59,367 --> 00:08:01,300
is that so,
roseanne?
142
00:08:05,434 --> 00:08:07,000
yeah, right?
143
00:08:08,467 --> 00:08:12,601
well, maybe "manipulate" is
kind of a harsh word to use here.
144
00:08:12,636 --> 00:08:15,100
i just think
what jackie means,
145
00:08:15,135 --> 00:08:17,467
what she's trying to say is
that we wish that you would just
146
00:08:17,502 --> 00:08:20,734
try to deal with us
in a more direct manner,
147
00:08:20,769 --> 00:08:22,234
you know,
if you want to.
148
00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:24,667
no, that's not what
jackie's trying to say.
149
00:08:24,702 --> 00:08:26,167
what jackie's
trying to say-
150
00:08:26,202 --> 00:08:29,300
where the hell were
you five minutes ago?
151
00:08:30,367 --> 00:08:33,267
i'll get some
sheets, mom.
152
00:08:33,302 --> 00:08:36,234
you really should turn
your mattress more often.
153
00:08:38,133 --> 00:08:41,434
- where are you guys gonna sleep?
- anywhere's okay with me.
154
00:08:41,469 --> 00:08:44,334
hey, i don't
sleep anywhere.
155
00:08:44,369 --> 00:08:46,868
well, these cots
are pretty nice.
156
00:08:46,903 --> 00:08:49,334
oh, i'm sure mom and dad
don't wanna sleep on any cots.
157
00:08:49,369 --> 00:08:50,834
what did we do
last time?
158
00:08:50,869 --> 00:08:52,334
last time?
159
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:55,934
i've completely blocked it
out of my mind.
160
00:08:57,968 --> 00:09:00,501
you guys don't mind
sleeping on cots, do you?
161
00:09:00,536 --> 00:09:02,501
i can sleep
anywhere.
162
00:09:02,536 --> 00:09:04,501
why don't you and dad
just take me and dan's bed,
163
00:09:04,536 --> 00:09:06,033
and we'll sleep
out here on the cots?
164
00:09:06,068 --> 00:09:07,834
honey, i can't sleep
on these things.
165
00:09:07,869 --> 00:09:10,100
last time darlene and i
slept downstairs on the cots,
166
00:09:10,135 --> 00:09:12,133
and grandma and grandpa
slept up in our room.
167
00:09:12,168 --> 00:09:14,133
i want to sleep
on the sleeping bags.
168
00:09:14,168 --> 00:09:16,334
no, that's not what
we did last year.
169
00:09:16,369 --> 00:09:18,467
i'm very particular
about where i sleep.
170
00:09:18,502 --> 00:09:20,601
what does that mean?
171
00:09:21,734 --> 00:09:24,601
i'll tell you
something about me.
172
00:09:24,636 --> 00:09:26,868
i'll never sleep
in a communist country.
173
00:09:28,767 --> 00:09:30,767
i'll visit one
during the day,
174
00:09:30,802 --> 00:09:32,834
but i'll never sleep
in one at night.
175
00:09:32,869 --> 00:09:35,434
well, god bless
america.
176
00:09:35,469 --> 00:09:38,300
- can i sleep in your sleeping bag?
- rOSEANNE: no, go.
177
00:09:38,335 --> 00:09:39,834
how about
what i said?
178
00:09:39,869 --> 00:09:41,868
- what did you say?
- forget what she said.
179
00:09:41,903 --> 00:09:43,868
please, let's not
fuss about this.
180
00:09:43,903 --> 00:09:46,133
dad and i can
sleep anywhere.
181
00:09:46,168 --> 00:09:49,534
darlene and i slept on the cots,
and grandma and grandpa had our room.
182
00:09:49,569 --> 00:09:53,000
these cots still smell from when
we found the dead pigeon in it.
183
00:09:53,035 --> 00:09:55,000
- darlene.
- jACKIE: okay.
184
00:09:55,035 --> 00:09:58,634
d.j. and i must have both slept on
the floor, mom and dad had d.j.'s bed-
185
00:09:58,669 --> 00:10:00,567
but that couldn't have been,
because d.j.'s bed's too small
186
00:10:00,602 --> 00:10:02,100
and they would have
been uncomfortable.
187
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:04,634
jackie, you were
not even here.
188
00:10:04,669 --> 00:10:05,968
temper, temper.
189
00:10:06,003 --> 00:10:08,067
then how come
i can remember it?
190
00:10:08,102 --> 00:10:10,901
because you have total recall
of all things imaginary!
191
00:10:10,936 --> 00:10:13,400
girls, girls.
192
00:10:13,435 --> 00:10:15,234
let's be ladies,
shall we?
193
00:10:15,269 --> 00:10:17,234
can we come to some
sort of conclusion here?
194
00:10:17,269 --> 00:10:19,467
okay, you want a conclusion?
i'll give you a conclusion.
195
00:10:19,502 --> 00:10:22,067
okay, jackie, you go
sleep in d.j.'s bed,
196
00:10:22,102 --> 00:10:24,067
d.j., sleep in
a sleeping bag!
197
00:10:24,102 --> 00:10:27,300
girls, girls, girls,
let's just be little ladies
198
00:10:27,335 --> 00:10:29,767
and go up and sleep
in your own bed.
199
00:10:29,802 --> 00:10:32,434
- mom and dad, you take me and dan's room.
- wait a minute.
200
00:10:32,469 --> 00:10:35,634
and i'm gonna sleep here on
the cot, and so is mr. flexible.
201
00:10:36,834 --> 00:10:39,501
hopefully we won't
have all this confusion
202
00:10:39,536 --> 00:10:42,000
once your father and i
have our own place
203
00:10:42,035 --> 00:10:44,167
right here
in lanford.
204
00:10:44,202 --> 00:10:46,367
sleep tight,
everyone.
205
00:10:47,601 --> 00:10:49,033
nighty night.
206
00:10:53,501 --> 00:10:55,634
dan, are you
sleeping?
207
00:10:56,901 --> 00:10:58,501
like a baby.
208
00:11:00,634 --> 00:11:04,934
the fact that it's 4:30 in the morning
and i have a spring in my pancreas
209
00:11:04,969 --> 00:11:08,067
isn't keeping me awake
the least little bit.
210
00:11:08,102 --> 00:11:10,067
if my parents
move to lanford,
211
00:11:10,102 --> 00:11:13,033
i am gonna be sleeping on a
cot for the rest of my life,
212
00:11:13,068 --> 00:11:16,133
because i'm gonna be in
prison for blowing 'em away.
213
00:11:17,501 --> 00:11:20,033
honey, honey,
be realistic.
214
00:11:20,068 --> 00:11:22,567
you don't know
how to use a gun.
215
00:11:22,602 --> 00:11:24,868
i'll do it.
216
00:11:26,801 --> 00:11:30,000
seriously, dan,
what are we gonna do?
217
00:11:30,035 --> 00:11:32,534
well, i'd say
"let's sleep on it,"
218
00:11:32,569 --> 00:11:34,467
but who can sleep?!
219
00:11:35,901 --> 00:11:38,234
you know, if you knew how
to stand up to your parents,
220
00:11:38,269 --> 00:11:40,234
we wouldn't be
lying here right now.
221
00:11:40,269 --> 00:11:41,901
what is that
supposed to mean?
222
00:11:41,936 --> 00:11:44,901
and i'm warning you, that
fireplace poker's within reach.
223
00:11:44,936 --> 00:11:48,334
baby, let's not
get into this right now.
224
00:11:48,369 --> 00:11:52,767
because it's not my warped, psychotic,
neurotic parents that are laying in my bed.
225
00:11:55,767 --> 00:11:59,033
- i'm gonna go sit on the porch.
- dAN: honey, honey.
226
00:11:59,068 --> 00:12:01,033
honey, let's not
do this to each other.
227
00:12:01,068 --> 00:12:03,400
come on, baby,
i'm sorry.
228
00:12:03,435 --> 00:12:05,968
i'm just angry
'cause i haven't slept.
229
00:12:06,003 --> 00:12:08,467
we got a couple hours
left till daylight.
230
00:12:08,502 --> 00:12:11,067
let's just try
to salvage some sleep.
231
00:12:44,434 --> 00:12:46,033
mOM: al?
232
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:49,100
- al?
- right here.
233
00:12:49,135 --> 00:12:51,467
oh. you two
go back to sleep.
234
00:12:51,502 --> 00:12:54,567
i'm just gonna make your father
breakfast. he always gets up at 4:30.
235
00:12:54,602 --> 00:12:57,167
why? i don't know.
go back to sleep.
236
00:12:58,234 --> 00:13:00,801
feel like making love?
237
00:13:09,767 --> 00:13:11,267
don't get up.
238
00:13:11,302 --> 00:13:14,267
i just want to know where
you keep your citrus fruit.
239
00:13:14,302 --> 00:13:17,968
i think there's some strawberry
pop-tarts in the fridge.
240
00:13:18,003 --> 00:13:21,701
your father needs to have
a piece of citrus fruit.
241
00:13:21,736 --> 00:13:24,300
i think there's an orange
under the dryer.
242
00:13:24,335 --> 00:13:26,300
go back to sleep.
243
00:13:26,335 --> 00:13:29,300
dan shouldn't sleep on his left
side. it's bad for the heart.
244
00:13:29,335 --> 00:13:31,234
so's a rusty spike.
245
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:37,667
this is nuts.
this is nuts.
246
00:13:37,702 --> 00:13:39,968
i got a new job
to start today.
247
00:13:40,003 --> 00:13:41,801
i've gotta go to
work too, you know.
248
00:13:41,836 --> 00:13:45,334
well, why don't you go in there and
tell ma and pa kettle to shut up?
249
00:13:46,434 --> 00:13:49,033
what are you doing up
so early?
250
00:13:57,701 --> 00:13:59,901
you know, this is
the best room in your house.
251
00:13:59,936 --> 00:14:02,934
yeah, 'cause mom
and dad aren't in it.
252
00:14:02,969 --> 00:14:05,200
this is our only
sanctuary from them.
253
00:14:05,235 --> 00:14:06,734
well, don't
count on it.
254
00:14:06,769 --> 00:14:09,300
she'll figure out
some way to get in here.
255
00:14:09,335 --> 00:14:13,200
and then you can stand up to
here again like you did before.
256
00:14:14,734 --> 00:14:16,767
i said
to your grandmother,
257
00:14:16,802 --> 00:14:18,234
"beverly"-
258
00:14:18,269 --> 00:14:20,567
i call her beverly
because that's her name.
259
00:14:21,634 --> 00:14:23,367
i said, "beverly,
260
00:14:23,402 --> 00:14:26,968
this year i'm gonna pay more
attention to my stable and horses."
261
00:14:27,003 --> 00:14:28,968
you don't have
any horses, grandpa.
262
00:14:29,003 --> 00:14:30,968
'cause i don't
have a stable.
263
00:14:31,003 --> 00:14:33,067
- pull my finger, kid.
- don't.
264
00:14:35,567 --> 00:14:37,567
i'm sorry.
what were you saying?
265
00:14:37,602 --> 00:14:39,767
oh, i'm finished.
266
00:14:40,834 --> 00:14:42,834
are you guys getting
ready for school?
267
00:14:42,869 --> 00:14:44,534
yeah, and we're really
excited about it.
268
00:14:44,569 --> 00:14:46,000
that's great.
269
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,200
they're really doing
great in school.
270
00:14:49,235 --> 00:14:52,534
al was always very concerned
with the children's education.
271
00:14:52,569 --> 00:14:54,734
he was some father.
272
00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,901
what is it you
always used to say?
273
00:14:56,936 --> 00:15:00,167
you can lead
a horse to water,
274
00:15:00,202 --> 00:15:02,501
but you can't
make 'em think.
275
00:15:05,300 --> 00:15:07,234
you used to say that?
276
00:15:08,534 --> 00:15:10,467
and you stopped
saying that?
277
00:15:13,567 --> 00:15:15,834
he used to say that,
278
00:15:15,869 --> 00:15:18,367
and he doesn't
say it anymore.
279
00:15:18,402 --> 00:15:20,234
he used to say,
280
00:15:20,269 --> 00:15:22,667
"you can lead
a horse to water,
281
00:15:22,702 --> 00:15:25,234
but you can't
make 'em think."
282
00:15:25,269 --> 00:15:27,434
and he doesn't
say it anymore.
283
00:15:28,901 --> 00:15:30,801
i haven't slept.
284
00:15:36,567 --> 00:15:38,667
i swear we're
only sane today
285
00:15:38,702 --> 00:15:40,667
because we kept
each other that way.
286
00:15:40,702 --> 00:15:44,601
i know, we protected each other
from mr. and mrs. total insanity.
287
00:15:44,636 --> 00:15:47,200
yeah, like that time that
you were in the eighth grade
288
00:15:47,235 --> 00:15:50,367
and you were dating
that 40-year-old guy.
289
00:15:50,402 --> 00:15:52,601
- aah!
- he was not 40.
290
00:15:52,636 --> 00:15:54,934
oh, he was the only guy
at your freshman dance
291
00:15:54,969 --> 00:15:58,267
that was
wearing a toupee.
292
00:15:58,302 --> 00:16:00,501
i told mom
he was your tutor.
293
00:16:00,536 --> 00:16:03,100
and i taught him
more than he taught me.
294
00:16:03,135 --> 00:16:05,167
well, that's
the way it goes.
295
00:16:05,202 --> 00:16:07,801
the bottom line
is that
296
00:16:07,836 --> 00:16:11,267
mom and dad are
just so out there.
297
00:16:11,302 --> 00:16:14,567
well, you know,
it's not all their fault.
298
00:16:14,602 --> 00:16:16,801
we should show 'em
a little compassion.
299
00:16:16,836 --> 00:16:18,801
well, here
we go again,
300
00:16:18,836 --> 00:16:21,634
checking your backbone
at the door.
301
00:16:21,669 --> 00:16:24,100
well, fine. you blame your whole life-
302
00:16:24,135 --> 00:16:26,467
oh, roseanne, you turn into a little robot
303
00:16:26,502 --> 00:16:28,467
every time mom
and dad come around.
304
00:16:28,502 --> 00:16:32,067
you turn into little rosie
two-shoes, and i'm sick of it.
305
00:16:32,102 --> 00:16:36,167
hey, people who live in cockroach-infested
apartments should not throw stones.
306
00:16:36,202 --> 00:16:37,934
- i can't even talk to you!
- oh, shut up!
307
00:16:37,969 --> 00:16:39,601
you always have
to get your own way.
308
00:16:39,636 --> 00:16:42,033
it has to be my way when you're
standing here in my bathroom
309
00:16:42,068 --> 00:16:43,634
at 7:30 in the morning
310
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:46,701
after my parents came over to my
house and decimate my whole family.
311
00:16:46,736 --> 00:16:48,200
now they're your
parents, fine.
312
00:16:48,235 --> 00:16:50,701
if you want 'em,
fine, you have 'em!
313
00:16:50,736 --> 00:16:52,834
gee, you tell me when
it's their anniversary,
314
00:16:52,869 --> 00:16:55,868
- and you let 'em stay at your house next time they come...
- fine, good.
315
00:16:55,903 --> 00:16:58,567
and decimate your whole family,
of which you don't even have,
316
00:16:58,602 --> 00:17:02,534
because you can't concentrate on nothing
long enough than it takes to chug a beer!
317
00:17:04,467 --> 00:17:07,000
and don't give me that wounded
little jackie look either,
318
00:17:07,035 --> 00:17:10,033
because that only works on guys
named mike who drive el caminos.
319
00:17:11,701 --> 00:17:14,267
very dramatic,
roseanne.
320
00:17:14,302 --> 00:17:17,834
oh, so now you're
not gonna talk to me.
321
00:17:17,869 --> 00:17:21,334
god, would i love to throw a
hammer through a plate glass window.
322
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:24,667
don't wait for
a response, dan.
323
00:17:24,702 --> 00:17:27,067
her majesty's not speaking to anybody today.
324
00:17:27,102 --> 00:17:30,767
- jackie, who even asked you?
- hey, i'm a part of this family too.
325
00:17:30,802 --> 00:17:33,200
yeah, when your hamper's full
or your car needs working on.
326
00:17:33,235 --> 00:17:36,400
i've been a member of this
family longer than you have!
327
00:17:36,435 --> 00:17:39,367
boy, that's something
to be proud of!
328
00:17:41,701 --> 00:17:44,033
you know, i saw a whole thing
about this on oprah,
329
00:17:44,068 --> 00:17:45,534
and that's
just what we are too.
330
00:17:45,569 --> 00:17:49,467
we're just like that.
we are a dysfunctional family!
331
00:17:57,167 --> 00:17:59,834
thanks, gramps.
bye, gram.
332
00:17:59,869 --> 00:18:03,234
- aL: bye, becky.
- bEVERLY: bye, dear.
333
00:18:03,269 --> 00:18:06,000
grandpa said he'd buy me
a horse next year.
334
00:18:06,035 --> 00:18:09,334
yeah, well, grandpa's
saddle's on too tight.
335
00:18:09,369 --> 00:18:10,934
what are you doing?
336
00:18:10,969 --> 00:18:13,234
i'm making breakfast
for my kids.
337
00:18:13,269 --> 00:18:15,501
i already made
them breakfast.
338
00:18:15,536 --> 00:18:17,567
go to school then.
339
00:18:17,602 --> 00:18:20,000
- bye.
- aL: bye, kids.
340
00:18:20,035 --> 00:18:23,300
yeah, she made 'em breakfast.
cereal and chocolate chip cookies.
341
00:18:23,335 --> 00:18:25,367
your father gave
them the cookies.
342
00:18:25,402 --> 00:18:29,100
whether they eat 'em now or in the
afternoon, what's the difference?
343
00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:31,834
you want to know
the difference?
344
00:18:31,869 --> 00:18:33,834
i'll tell you what
the difference is.
345
00:18:33,869 --> 00:18:38,033
the difference is, you show up
at my door unannounced, uninvited.
346
00:18:38,068 --> 00:18:40,400
you just drive everybody
and work 'em up into a frenzy
347
00:18:40,435 --> 00:18:42,067
until we're ready
to kill each other!
348
00:18:42,102 --> 00:18:45,434
what are you talking about?
we're having a nice breakfast.
349
00:18:45,469 --> 00:18:48,000
i'm talking about, if you guys
are gonna move here to lanford,
350
00:18:48,035 --> 00:18:50,467
you have got to move onto the
whole other side of this town,
351
00:18:50,502 --> 00:18:53,033
because i am not gonna be able to
take this for the rest of my life.
352
00:18:53,068 --> 00:18:55,167
who's moving
to lanford?
353
00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:58,167
you guys are.
you said so last night.
354
00:18:58,202 --> 00:19:01,501
oh, we're never gonna
move into lanford.
355
00:19:01,536 --> 00:19:04,000
we were just thinking,
we were just talking.
356
00:19:04,035 --> 00:19:07,100
why do you take
everything so seriously?
357
00:19:07,135 --> 00:19:09,701
so you're
not moving?
358
00:19:09,736 --> 00:19:11,767
no. in fact,
we've got to get going.
359
00:19:11,802 --> 00:19:14,400
we're on our way to see
cousin sydney in beauford.
360
00:19:14,435 --> 00:19:16,400
he had gum surgery.
361
00:19:16,435 --> 00:19:18,334
i'm gonna buy him
some rock candy.
362
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,701
well, it's a shame
you couldn't stay longer.
363
00:19:26,167 --> 00:19:28,834
dan, do you really
mean that?
364
00:19:28,869 --> 00:19:32,400
hey, if you don't think you guys
leaving is gonna affect everybody,
365
00:19:32,435 --> 00:19:34,100
you're crazy.
366
00:19:34,135 --> 00:19:36,300
al, did you hear that?
367
00:19:36,335 --> 00:19:38,434
yeah, i'd give him
a big kiss...
368
00:19:38,469 --> 00:19:41,234
- oh.
- ...if i liked boys.
369
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:50,100
oh, mom, i'm really
gonna miss you.
370
00:19:50,135 --> 00:19:51,634
me too.
371
00:19:55,467 --> 00:19:57,033
big hug.
372
00:19:57,068 --> 00:19:59,434
this has been
a great visit.
373
00:19:59,469 --> 00:20:03,033
oh, this has been
a wonderful visit.
374
00:20:03,068 --> 00:20:05,300
aL:
let me do it again.
375
00:20:11,567 --> 00:20:15,167
and the sick thing is
that i kind of miss 'em.
376
00:20:15,202 --> 00:20:16,767
i kind of don't.
377
00:20:20,334 --> 00:20:21,834
dan?
378
00:20:21,869 --> 00:20:23,567
what-ee?
379
00:20:23,602 --> 00:20:25,267
pull my finger.
380
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:39,100
aah!
381
00:20:52,901 --> 00:20:54,734
dAN: here's the deal.
382
00:20:54,769 --> 00:20:57,400
i'll get the checkbook out,
but i gotta watch.
383
00:21:00,234 --> 00:21:02,868
- hey, what a surprise.
- i was gunna do the line.
384
00:21:02,903 --> 00:21:06,334
well, i'm not working, so i thought
i'd come over and get some lines.
385
00:21:06,369 --> 00:21:07,834
i'm gonna get
out of here.
386
00:21:07,869 --> 00:21:09,767
how nice.
that was fun.
387
00:21:10,767 --> 00:21:20,767
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