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Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org
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here, mom.
add these.
3
00:00:55,168 --> 00:00:58,067
well, that's just what these
triple-fudge brownies need:
4
00:00:58,102 --> 00:01:00,067
more chocolate.
5
00:01:00,102 --> 00:01:02,234
what are the other girls
bringing to the slumber party?
6
00:01:02,269 --> 00:01:03,901
insulin?
7
00:01:03,936 --> 00:01:05,200
mother, please.
8
00:01:05,235 --> 00:01:07,234
hey, beck,
check it out.
9
00:01:07,269 --> 00:01:09,667
- what is it?
- it's an 8-track.
10
00:01:11,100 --> 00:01:15,267
it's like a blast
from the past, man.
11
00:01:15,302 --> 00:01:17,901
mother, tell your husband
these are the '80S.
12
00:01:17,936 --> 00:01:21,300
well, becky, i guess you're old
enough to know the grim truth.
13
00:01:21,335 --> 00:01:25,534
rOSEANNE: your father is frozen in time.
14
00:01:25,569 --> 00:01:27,801
we're just gonna
skip the '80S
15
00:01:27,836 --> 00:01:30,434
and try to thaw him out
in the '90S.
16
00:01:30,469 --> 00:01:33,300
go ahead and take it.
it'll be trippy.
17
00:01:34,667 --> 00:01:36,300
i'm gonna
go pack.
18
00:01:39,234 --> 00:01:40,567
far out!
19
00:01:41,834 --> 00:01:43,667
hey, what time's
your game?
20
00:01:43,702 --> 00:01:45,400
i don't know.
around 3:00.
21
00:01:45,435 --> 00:01:48,234
- how's the arm, sport?
- okay, i guess.
22
00:01:48,269 --> 00:01:51,300
hey, i'm all set for the
game. hey, now, batter!
23
00:01:51,335 --> 00:01:55,067
hey, batter! we better!
we better! we batter!
24
00:01:55,102 --> 00:01:57,667
- hold it.
- what now?
25
00:01:57,702 --> 00:02:01,467
the lanford lightning bolt ain't
going no place without breakfast.
26
00:02:01,502 --> 00:02:05,300
i'm just going out to the
garage to get my glove, okay?
27
00:02:08,367 --> 00:02:10,868
you know, it comes to me,
dan, that our middle child
28
00:02:10,903 --> 00:02:13,000
is kind of, how do you say, out of sorts.
29
00:02:13,035 --> 00:02:15,601
pregame jitters.
i used to get 'em myself.
30
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,901
all your great ones do.
31
00:02:17,936 --> 00:02:20,634
yeah, well, how soon before the
game do these here jitters set in?
32
00:02:20,669 --> 00:02:23,734
'cause she's been flying
off the handle for two weeks.
33
00:02:23,769 --> 00:02:26,000
seems like business
as usual to me.
34
00:02:26,035 --> 00:02:27,868
well, guess again.
35
00:02:27,903 --> 00:02:31,300
darlene the chocolate queen just walked
by a plate of triple fudge brownies
36
00:02:31,335 --> 00:02:32,968
without even
breaking stride.
37
00:02:33,003 --> 00:02:35,067
she's in training, babe.
38
00:02:35,102 --> 00:02:37,467
well, thank you,
the amazing conner,
39
00:02:37,502 --> 00:02:44,133
for unraveling yet another
sports-related mystery.
40
00:02:44,168 --> 00:02:46,934
yeah, first you're gonna
field some breakfast.
41
00:02:46,969 --> 00:02:48,934
- fine.
- hey, kiddo.
42
00:02:54,168 --> 00:02:55,801
don't worry about it.
it's okay.
43
00:02:55,836 --> 00:02:58,834
but i'm gonna be there.
44
00:02:58,869 --> 00:03:00,767
can't you guys
just leave me alone?
45
00:03:00,802 --> 00:03:02,667
i don't need you there
to watch me pitch.
46
00:03:02,702 --> 00:03:05,801
pitch, pitch, pitch.
all she ever does is pitch.
47
00:03:12,033 --> 00:03:13,567
where's mom?
48
00:03:13,602 --> 00:03:15,634
she and d.j. went
to wash the car.
49
00:03:15,669 --> 00:03:18,133
- she say when she'd be back?
- nope.
50
00:03:18,168 --> 00:03:20,334
she say anything
about coming to my game?
51
00:03:20,369 --> 00:03:23,434
- not to me. why?
- nothing.
52
00:03:23,469 --> 00:03:25,601
will you be mad
if she misses the game?
53
00:03:25,636 --> 00:03:28,734
my life would be perfect
if she missed the game.
54
00:03:28,769 --> 00:03:32,000
it's already halfway perfect.
dad's not gonna be there.
55
00:03:32,035 --> 00:03:33,968
they gettin' on your nerves?
56
00:03:34,003 --> 00:03:37,868
becky, every time they come to one
of my games, dad just starts yelling,
57
00:03:37,903 --> 00:03:42,334
"we better! we better!
we better! swing, batter!"
58
00:03:42,369 --> 00:03:46,501
and mom- she throws
sno-cones at the umpire.
59
00:03:47,801 --> 00:03:49,634
she does not.
60
00:03:49,669 --> 00:03:51,300
she did once.
61
00:03:51,335 --> 00:03:53,667
i'm telling you,
they're complete nerds.
62
00:03:53,702 --> 00:03:55,434
hey, wait'll you
start dating,
63
00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:58,601
and dad asks the guy you're going
out with if he has popcorn money.
64
00:03:58,636 --> 00:04:01,667
i'm not dating, ever.
65
00:04:01,702 --> 00:04:05,334
it doesn't matter. they'll always find
a way to embarrass you, believe me.
66
00:04:05,369 --> 00:04:07,033
it's not fair.
67
00:04:07,068 --> 00:04:09,567
i mean, parents are supposed
to stay in the house.
68
00:04:09,602 --> 00:04:11,667
except when they're
driving you somewhere,
69
00:04:11,702 --> 00:04:14,567
and then they're just supposed
to drop you off and go away.
70
00:04:14,602 --> 00:04:17,334
in a perfect world,
darlene,
71
00:04:17,369 --> 00:04:19,000
in a perfect world.
72
00:04:19,035 --> 00:04:21,567
i mean, look what dad wanted
me to take to dianne's.
73
00:04:22,634 --> 00:04:24,267
what's that?
74
00:04:24,302 --> 00:04:27,534
like a blast from
the past, man.
75
00:04:27,569 --> 00:04:30,934
they can't be
our real parents.
76
00:04:30,969 --> 00:04:32,567
nerd alert,
nerd alert.
77
00:04:32,602 --> 00:04:36,501
becky, you gotta help me. i
don't want mom to come to my game.
78
00:04:36,536 --> 00:04:38,501
d.j.:
i'm gonna go watch tv.
79
00:04:38,536 --> 00:04:42,534
darlene, what did i tell you i was gonna
do if i found these on the couch again?
80
00:04:42,569 --> 00:04:45,100
look, just give me the shoes
and hold the lecture.
81
00:04:45,135 --> 00:04:47,100
- darlene!
- listen, miss smart mouth.
82
00:04:47,135 --> 00:04:48,934
you're not even gonna
be needing those shoes,
83
00:04:48,969 --> 00:04:51,634
'cause you're not gonna play
baseball again till you're 58!
84
00:04:51,669 --> 00:04:54,701
fine with me, i don't wanna play
anyway if you're gonna be there.
85
00:04:58,133 --> 00:05:00,534
did you ever throw a sno-cone at an umpire?
86
00:05:00,569 --> 00:05:03,133
you weren't there.
you didn't see the call.
87
00:05:10,067 --> 00:05:12,901
- i'm here.
- me too.
88
00:05:12,936 --> 00:05:14,901
- aunt jackie, you brought it.
- yes.
89
00:05:14,936 --> 00:05:18,234
do you remember
the sleeping bag?
90
00:05:18,269 --> 00:05:20,601
oh, my god,
you still have that thing?
91
00:05:20,636 --> 00:05:22,767
yes. mom gave this to me
when i moved out,
92
00:05:22,802 --> 00:05:26,968
in case i needed a place to
stay for the rest of my life.
93
00:05:27,003 --> 00:05:30,000
there are cowgirls
all over it.
94
00:05:30,035 --> 00:05:32,367
becky, those aren't
just cowgirls.
95
00:05:32,402 --> 00:05:35,434
that is the cowgirl.
that's annie oakley.
96
00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:38,534
there is no way i'm taking
that to my slumber party.
97
00:05:38,569 --> 00:05:41,033
i guarantee you, no one
will have one like this.
98
00:05:41,068 --> 00:05:44,000
yeah, including me. i'd
rather sleep in a trash bag.
99
00:05:44,035 --> 00:05:47,000
well, they're under the sink.
you'd better take two.
100
00:05:47,035 --> 00:05:48,801
oh, mother.
101
00:05:50,033 --> 00:05:53,434
jeez. oh, if this
bag could talk.
102
00:05:53,469 --> 00:05:56,634
i'd cut its tongue out,
i would.
103
00:05:56,669 --> 00:05:58,701
you remember how much
we hated this thing
104
00:05:58,736 --> 00:06:00,801
when mom brought it back
from that yard sale?
105
00:06:00,836 --> 00:06:03,033
they could've at least
turned off the sprinklers.
106
00:06:05,567 --> 00:06:08,100
give me a break!
107
00:06:09,367 --> 00:06:11,567
i thought you were going
to darlene's ballgame.
108
00:06:11,602 --> 00:06:14,501
well, darlene and i aren't
exactly talking these days.
109
00:06:14,536 --> 00:06:17,300
- we're yelling.
- but you both do it so well.
110
00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:21,234
yeah, and i usually enjoy it, but
boy, lately she's driving me crazy.
111
00:06:21,269 --> 00:06:22,834
oh, roseanne,
she's 11.
112
00:06:22,869 --> 00:06:24,868
you remember all the trouble
we used to give mom?
113
00:06:24,903 --> 00:06:26,834
yeah, but mom
deserved it.
114
00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:31,801
whereas darlene has me, you
know, and i'm the perfect mother.
115
00:06:31,836 --> 00:06:35,133
oh, yeah, right.
i forgot.
116
00:06:35,168 --> 00:06:36,634
i'm serious, jackie.
117
00:06:36,669 --> 00:06:39,567
i'm the antithesis of
everything mom stood for.
118
00:06:39,602 --> 00:06:46,701
oh, darlene would be against you no matter
what you stood for. you're her mother.
119
00:06:46,736 --> 00:06:48,968
i don't remember having
this problem with becky.
120
00:06:49,003 --> 00:06:52,167
sure you did. becky was just too
polite to say anything about it.
121
00:06:52,202 --> 00:06:53,901
- really?
- yeah.
122
00:06:53,936 --> 00:06:56,601
but it's not just you. it's
dan too. it's all parents.
123
00:06:56,636 --> 00:06:59,100
you're just going through
what is commonly known as
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00:06:59,135 --> 00:07:02,868
the "i have no parents, i was
hatched from an egg" syndrome.
125
00:07:02,903 --> 00:07:06,200
- oh, i just can't wait
till you have kids.
126
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:12,901
hello.
127
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:17,667
what happened?
which hospital?
128
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,100
i'll be right there.
129
00:07:21,135 --> 00:07:24,067
no, she's not allergic
to penicillin.
130
00:07:24,102 --> 00:07:27,601
- what?
- darlene's in the hospital.
131
00:07:27,636 --> 00:07:30,033
- becky, get down here now!
- what happened?
132
00:07:30,068 --> 00:07:32,400
- it's an appendicitis.
- how do we get in touch with dan?
133
00:07:32,435 --> 00:07:34,400
we can't. there's no phone on the jobsite.
134
00:07:34,435 --> 00:07:37,067
- want me to stay with the kids?
- no, becky can watch d.j. you go with me.
135
00:07:37,102 --> 00:07:39,601
- mom, what's wrong?
- your sister's in the hospital with an appendicitis.
136
00:07:39,636 --> 00:07:41,801
- oh, no, what do you wanna do?
- darlene's in the hospital?
137
00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:44,534
- oh, she'll be okay, honey. you stay here with d.j.
- i'm gonna go start the car.
138
00:07:44,569 --> 00:07:47,868
and when dad gets home, tell him me and
jackie are in county hospital emergency room.
139
00:07:47,903 --> 00:07:49,601
- okay.
- i wanna go with you.
140
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:51,601
- rOSEANNE: you can't, honey.
- yeah, d.j.,
141
00:07:51,636 --> 00:07:54,267
you and me gotta stay here and
give this note to daddy, okay?
142
00:07:54,302 --> 00:07:57,601
- i wanna go with mom!
- i'm counting on you, becky.
143
00:07:57,636 --> 00:07:59,234
mom!
144
00:07:59,269 --> 00:08:02,300
deej, come on. i'll let you
have some more brownies, okay?
145
00:08:12,934 --> 00:08:16,200
mrs. conner? ted graham,
darlene's baseball coach.
146
00:08:16,235 --> 00:08:18,067
oh, ted, hi.
how is she?
147
00:08:18,102 --> 00:08:19,901
i don't know, they won't tell me anything.
148
00:08:19,936 --> 00:08:22,200
well, they're sure
as hell gonna tell me.
149
00:08:26,302 --> 00:08:29,067
look, we are
trying to find
150
00:08:29,102 --> 00:08:31,300
somebody who speaks
151
00:08:31,335 --> 00:08:34,734
whatever it is
you're speaking.
152
00:08:34,769 --> 00:08:37,534
i can't find the blank
insurance forms.
153
00:08:37,569 --> 00:08:40,133
i'm roseanne conner.
i'd like to see my daughter.
154
00:08:40,168 --> 00:08:44,200
for the third time:
file cabinet, top drawer.
155
00:08:44,235 --> 00:08:46,133
conner? conner.
156
00:08:46,168 --> 00:08:48,267
right.
darlene conner.
157
00:08:48,302 --> 00:08:50,434
- what happened?
- i don't know.
158
00:08:50,469 --> 00:08:53,167
she was out there on the mound,
she was having a good day.
159
00:08:53,202 --> 00:08:55,467
she was three innings
into a no-hitter,
160
00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:58,200
and then, boom, she went
down like a ton of bricks.
161
00:08:58,235 --> 00:09:00,434
here you go, mrs. chambers. all done.
162
00:09:00,469 --> 00:09:02,868
- great.
- i'd like to see my daughter.
163
00:09:02,903 --> 00:09:06,033
darlene's being prepped for surgery.
dr. bryce will take you to see her.
164
00:09:06,068 --> 00:09:07,868
well, now,
how's darlene doing?
165
00:09:07,903 --> 00:09:09,868
we haven't been advised
of her condition.
166
00:09:09,903 --> 00:09:12,200
dr. bryce to
emergency, please.
167
00:09:12,235 --> 00:09:14,367
mrs. conner, is there
anything else i can do?
168
00:09:14,402 --> 00:09:17,934
no, we'll be okay, but i really
appreciate your coming down here with her.
169
00:09:17,969 --> 00:09:21,100
- tell her she got the win.
- thanks, i'll tell her.
170
00:09:21,135 --> 00:09:23,200
wOMAN ON p.a.: dR. wAGNER,
PLEASE CALL EXTENSION 32.
171
00:09:23,235 --> 00:09:27,033
dR. wAGNER, PLEASE
CALL EXTENSION 32.
172
00:09:27,068 --> 00:09:29,367
- how is she?
- they're getting her ready for surgery.
173
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,367
- you seen her?
- no.
174
00:09:31,402 --> 00:09:35,534
- are they gonna let us see her?
- soon as the doctor gets here, and she's on her way.
175
00:09:35,569 --> 00:09:38,467
- how you doing?
- been better.
176
00:09:38,502 --> 00:09:39,801
come here.
177
00:09:39,836 --> 00:09:42,133
wOMAN ON p.a.
dR. sTEINFELD TO EMERGENCY.
178
00:09:42,168 --> 00:09:44,501
oh, god.
179
00:09:44,536 --> 00:09:46,968
hey, hey.
180
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:50,834
- lake ranoma.
- what?
181
00:09:50,869 --> 00:09:53,000
what was it, five years
ago we were up in that cabin
182
00:09:53,035 --> 00:09:55,501
and becky had the lung
infection, and we thought-
183
00:09:55,536 --> 00:09:59,300
- well, we both know
what we thought.
184
00:09:59,335 --> 00:10:01,934
we got through
that, right?
185
00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:05,334
okay, this is just
like lake ranoma.
186
00:10:05,369 --> 00:10:07,467
- okay.
- okay.
187
00:10:07,502 --> 00:10:10,133
mr. and mrs. conner?
188
00:10:10,168 --> 00:10:12,067
yeah?
189
00:10:12,102 --> 00:10:15,934
hi, i'm dr. bryce. i'll
be operating on darlene.
190
00:10:15,969 --> 00:10:19,000
- can we see her? - that's not
possible. she's being taken in to s-
191
00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:21,467
- well, they said we could see her.
- mr. and mrs. conner,
192
00:10:21,502 --> 00:10:23,200
this is the situation.
193
00:10:23,235 --> 00:10:27,100
darlene's appendix has ruptured,
causing her to run a fever.
194
00:10:27,135 --> 00:10:31,400
now under normal circumstances, we try
to bring the fever down before we operate.
195
00:10:31,435 --> 00:10:35,100
- but...?
- but there appears to be an obstruction of the intestines,
196
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:37,200
which means we can't wait
for the fever to come down.
197
00:10:37,235 --> 00:10:40,701
- we have to operate now.
- is that dangerous?
198
00:10:40,736 --> 00:10:42,701
i mean,
199
00:10:42,736 --> 00:10:44,701
is it dangerous?
200
00:10:44,736 --> 00:10:48,033
i can't tell you
not to worry.
201
00:10:48,068 --> 00:10:51,334
you'll do that anyway.
i'm a parent too.
202
00:10:51,369 --> 00:10:53,934
there are dangers
associated with any surgery,
203
00:10:53,969 --> 00:10:56,767
but i can assure you that this
is not an uncommon procedure.
204
00:10:56,802 --> 00:10:58,767
how long does it take?
205
00:10:58,802 --> 00:11:00,767
well, it usually takes
about two hours.
206
00:11:00,802 --> 00:11:03,767
and when it's over,
i'll come out, i'll talk to you,
207
00:11:03,802 --> 00:11:06,534
and then you can see
darlene in the recovery room.
208
00:11:08,434 --> 00:11:10,901
- she's gonna be all right.
- yeah.
209
00:11:10,936 --> 00:11:14,167
yeah. they probably do this
20 times a day.
210
00:11:14,202 --> 00:11:16,100
not on our daughter.
211
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:21,200
darlene have
chickenpox?
212
00:11:21,235 --> 00:11:23,634
yeah, november '83.
213
00:11:23,669 --> 00:11:25,300
- you want some coffee, sis?
- measles?
214
00:11:25,335 --> 00:11:27,000
- no, thanks.
- what?
215
00:11:28,501 --> 00:11:31,100
yeah, she had the m-
just let me do it.
216
00:11:31,135 --> 00:11:33,100
i don't know how you
remember all this stuff.
217
00:11:33,135 --> 00:11:35,100
- what stuff?
- like when darlene had the mumps.
218
00:11:35,135 --> 00:11:38,267
well, because she had the mumps the same
time d.j. and becky had the mumps, dan.
219
00:11:38,302 --> 00:11:41,868
- you don't forget three kids having simultaneous mumps.
- wOMAN: conner?
220
00:11:41,903 --> 00:11:44,767
- yeah, something wrong?
- oh, no.
221
00:11:44,802 --> 00:11:47,634
well, yes. your insurance card's expired.
222
00:11:47,669 --> 00:11:49,934
that can't be, dan.
i paid that bill last month.
223
00:11:49,969 --> 00:11:51,934
- are you sure?
- what do you mean, am i sure?
224
00:11:51,969 --> 00:11:53,467
i have the cancelled
check at home.
225
00:11:53,502 --> 00:11:55,467
why don't you just get
those clowns on the phone?
226
00:11:55,502 --> 00:11:57,801
- there's an 800 number on the back.
- i'll call 'em.
227
00:11:57,836 --> 00:12:00,334
no, you sit down.
i'll call 'em.
228
00:12:00,369 --> 00:12:01,934
when you finish
these forms,
229
00:12:01,969 --> 00:12:04,734
if you'd just return them
to the admissions desk.
230
00:12:04,769 --> 00:12:06,501
yeah, i'll do that.
231
00:12:06,536 --> 00:12:08,501
i know the future
of medical science
232
00:12:08,536 --> 00:12:11,734
depends on knowing
my mother's maiden name.
233
00:12:11,769 --> 00:12:15,567
i can't believe this. my kid's in
surgery, i'm sitting here taking my satS.
234
00:12:15,602 --> 00:12:17,567
roseanne, just forget
about the forms.
235
00:12:17,602 --> 00:12:20,067
that's just their way of having
people sit down and shut up.
236
00:12:20,102 --> 00:12:22,601
well, whatever
happened to ether?
237
00:12:22,636 --> 00:12:24,267
what are you
talking about?
238
00:12:24,302 --> 00:12:27,200
my wife mailed you
that check last month.
239
00:12:27,235 --> 00:12:30,100
i don't know what day she
mailed it, but i know you got it.
240
00:12:31,634 --> 00:12:36,067
listen, i'm in a hospital
where my kid's getting surgery.
241
00:12:36,102 --> 00:12:39,400
i don't have the
cancelled checks on me.
242
00:12:39,435 --> 00:12:41,033
yeah, i'll hold.
243
00:12:41,068 --> 00:12:42,534
oh, damn.
244
00:12:42,569 --> 00:12:44,534
why this morning,
of all mornings,
245
00:12:44,569 --> 00:12:46,601
did i have to
yell at darlene?
246
00:12:46,636 --> 00:12:49,033
because she was being
a pain in the butt.
247
00:12:49,068 --> 00:12:51,734
oh, jackie,
she's just being 11.
248
00:12:51,769 --> 00:12:55,300
roseanne, yelling at darlene,
that's like breathing.
249
00:12:55,335 --> 00:12:57,834
it's just an
involuntary response.
250
00:12:57,869 --> 00:13:01,000
i still feel like
the mom from hell.
251
00:13:01,035 --> 00:13:03,000
well, there's only
one solution to that.
252
00:13:03,035 --> 00:13:06,067
you take a vow right this
minute that you will never
253
00:13:06,102 --> 00:13:10,501
yell at darlene
again in life, ever.
254
00:13:10,536 --> 00:13:13,968
yeah, think of all
the free time i'll have.
255
00:13:14,003 --> 00:13:16,534
yes, i do.
no, no.
256
00:13:16,569 --> 00:13:19,033
because you
cashed it.
257
00:13:19,068 --> 00:13:21,267
yeah, that's right,
you cashed it.
258
00:13:21,302 --> 00:13:23,100
and i have that
cancelled check at home,
259
00:13:23,135 --> 00:13:25,601
because i balanced the checkbook
last month, and i have it.
260
00:13:25,636 --> 00:13:29,334
somebody there did, because i got a cancelled
check at home with your company's name on it.
261
00:13:29,369 --> 00:13:31,567
right, and just ask
for the supervisor.
262
00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:33,868
look, let me talk to somebody
else there, all right?
263
00:13:33,903 --> 00:13:36,300
- yeah, i'll hold.
- here, honey.
264
00:13:36,335 --> 00:13:39,033
here.
good luck.
265
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:41,701
hello, this is
mrs. conner.
266
00:13:41,736 --> 00:13:44,100
c-o-n-n-e-r.
267
00:13:45,501 --> 00:13:48,434
yeah.
"c" as in "cat,"
268
00:13:48,469 --> 00:13:50,767
"o" as in "oaf,"
269
00:13:50,802 --> 00:13:53,734
"n" as in "numskull,"
"n" as in "nitwit,"
270
00:13:53,769 --> 00:13:56,367
"e" as in "empty-headed,"
271
00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:59,234
"r" as in "target."
272
00:13:59,269 --> 00:14:01,868
i feel like i ought
to be doing something.
273
00:14:01,903 --> 00:14:06,200
well, i feel like that all
the time, especially at work.
274
00:14:06,235 --> 00:14:08,868
i feel totally useless.
275
00:14:08,903 --> 00:14:11,234
i'm just sitting here, and
darlene's getting operated on.
276
00:14:11,269 --> 00:14:14,534
well, dan, what do you want to do, assist?
277
00:14:14,569 --> 00:14:16,968
- i just hate waiting.
- i hear you.
278
00:14:17,003 --> 00:14:19,200
nobody hates waiting
worse than me.
279
00:14:19,235 --> 00:14:22,334
i'd bite other people's
nails if they'd let me.
280
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:25,667
get away from me.
281
00:14:28,467 --> 00:14:31,267
wOMAN ON p.a.: dR. wAGNER,
PLEASE CALL EXTENSION 32.
282
00:14:31,302 --> 00:14:32,734
dR. wAGNER.
283
00:14:35,567 --> 00:14:39,234
how are you, my wife?
is okay?
284
00:14:39,269 --> 00:14:41,234
you'd better take him
up on it, jackie.
285
00:14:41,269 --> 00:14:43,501
that's liable to be
your last proposal.
286
00:14:43,536 --> 00:14:47,067
no, what you mean
to say here is,
287
00:14:47,102 --> 00:14:51,000
"how is my wife?
is she okay?"
288
00:14:51,035 --> 00:14:53,701
- is she okay?
- yeah, and then you take it to that desk over there,
289
00:14:53,736 --> 00:14:55,701
and good luck
to you.
290
00:14:55,736 --> 00:14:58,200
- she okay?
- all right.
291
00:14:58,235 --> 00:15:01,400
- mAN ON p.a.: nURSE bERMAN
TO MATERNITY.
292
00:15:01,435 --> 00:15:03,400
- what'd they say?
- everything's okay.
293
00:15:03,435 --> 00:15:06,734
they just spelled
our name wrong.
294
00:15:06,769 --> 00:15:09,934
- i'm gonna call becky.
- yeah, that's a good idea.
295
00:15:15,801 --> 00:15:19,167
becky, help me find
the piece for here.
296
00:15:19,202 --> 00:15:22,601
d.j., you're supposed to put the
outside of the puzzle together first.
297
00:15:22,636 --> 00:15:25,834
darlene said, always start
with the dog's tail.
298
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:29,834
- okay, here.
- thanks.
299
00:15:32,569 --> 00:15:34,934
- hello?
- hi, honey. it's daddy.
300
00:15:34,969 --> 00:15:38,701
- is darlene okay?
- yeah, she's gonna be fine. how you guys doing?
301
00:15:38,736 --> 00:15:40,200
let me talk!
302
00:15:41,267 --> 00:15:43,501
- hi.
- who is this?
303
00:15:43,536 --> 00:15:45,567
dad, when you coming home?
304
00:15:45,602 --> 00:15:48,334
- it won't be long now, sport.
- okay, bye.
305
00:15:50,367 --> 00:15:52,968
- hi.
- hi, sweetheart.
306
00:15:53,003 --> 00:15:54,567
how you holding up?
307
00:15:54,602 --> 00:15:56,167
okay, i guess.
308
00:15:56,202 --> 00:15:57,834
just okay?
309
00:15:57,869 --> 00:15:59,834
dad?
310
00:15:59,869 --> 00:16:03,067
- yeah, honey?
- i'm a rotten sister.
311
00:16:03,102 --> 00:16:05,734
what are you talking about,
baby? you're a great sister.
312
00:16:05,769 --> 00:16:07,501
no, i'm not.
313
00:16:07,536 --> 00:16:09,400
yeah, sure you are, kid.
314
00:16:09,435 --> 00:16:12,000
hey, who's been taking such
great care of d.j. all afternoon?
315
00:16:12,035 --> 00:16:14,000
no, that's not
what i mean.
316
00:16:14,035 --> 00:16:17,100
i mean, i try to keep
thinking about darlene,
317
00:16:17,135 --> 00:16:20,634
hoping she's okay
and everything, but-
318
00:16:20,669 --> 00:16:22,901
but you start thinking
about other stuff?
319
00:16:22,936 --> 00:16:24,801
yeah.
320
00:16:24,836 --> 00:16:29,400
dumb stuff, like that stupid
slumber party and chip.
321
00:16:29,435 --> 00:16:32,734
well, honey, that doesn't mean
you're a rotten sister.
322
00:16:32,769 --> 00:16:35,901
it's just when your brain figures it's
thought about something for too long,
323
00:16:35,936 --> 00:16:38,767
it switches over to something
else so it doesn't overheat.
324
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,701
it's not gonna work, dad.
i'm not gonna laugh.
325
00:16:42,736 --> 00:16:44,701
no, no, no, no,
i'm just trying to say
326
00:16:44,736 --> 00:16:47,200
that if you think about
something for too long,
327
00:16:47,235 --> 00:16:48,968
smoke will come
out of your ears.
328
00:16:49,003 --> 00:16:50,834
dad, quit it.
329
00:16:50,869 --> 00:16:52,801
and steam will
come out of your nose.
330
00:16:52,836 --> 00:16:56,200
- daddy.
- fire'll shoot out of your mouth.
331
00:16:56,235 --> 00:16:59,334
chippy-whippy
will love that.
332
00:16:59,369 --> 00:17:02,868
hell, i'll love it too. i won't
have to buy no more charcoal starter.
333
00:17:21,734 --> 00:17:24,167
- hey, would you knock it off?!
- what?
334
00:17:24,202 --> 00:17:25,767
that. you're
driving us crazy.
335
00:17:25,802 --> 00:17:27,400
oh, come on,
you guys.
336
00:17:27,435 --> 00:17:29,601
dan, that operation's
supposed to be over by now.
337
00:17:29,636 --> 00:17:31,267
i'm gonna find out
what's going on.
338
00:17:31,302 --> 00:17:33,234
wOMAN ON p.a.:
dR. sTEINFELD TO EMERGENCY.
339
00:17:33,269 --> 00:17:34,767
- excuse me.
- yes.
340
00:17:34,802 --> 00:17:36,868
i'd like to know what's
going on with my daughter.
341
00:17:36,903 --> 00:17:40,701
- your daughter's name?
- for the millionth time, it's darlene conner.
342
00:17:40,736 --> 00:17:43,234
- oh, right, the appendectomy.
- no, wrong.
343
00:17:43,269 --> 00:17:45,434
she's not an appendectomy,
she's a little girl.
344
00:17:45,469 --> 00:17:48,667
she's having an operation, and
it's supposed to be over by 5:30.
345
00:17:48,702 --> 00:17:51,801
if i had some answers,
i would give them to you.
346
00:17:51,836 --> 00:17:54,467
i ask one little question,
what's happening with my kid,
347
00:17:54,502 --> 00:17:56,601
and nobody can
tell me anything.
348
00:17:56,636 --> 00:17:58,801
that's not
a stupid question.
349
00:17:58,836 --> 00:18:01,467
that's a question
that deserves an answer.
350
00:18:01,502 --> 00:18:04,534
it's a question any human being
has a right to know.
351
00:18:04,569 --> 00:18:07,400
well, what's going on
with our kid?
352
00:18:07,435 --> 00:18:09,000
tell 'em, kiddo.
353
00:18:11,601 --> 00:18:13,334
mr. and mrs.
conner.
354
00:18:13,369 --> 00:18:15,634
- is darlene all right?
- she's fine.
355
00:18:17,667 --> 00:18:20,000
so what am i yelling about?
356
00:18:20,035 --> 00:18:22,501
- she's in recovery.
- can we see her?
357
00:18:22,536 --> 00:18:24,501
well, she's just coming
out of anesthesia,
358
00:18:24,536 --> 00:18:26,501
but i can take you
in to see her.
359
00:18:26,536 --> 00:18:28,501
- hey, jackie-
- i'll call becky.
360
00:18:28,536 --> 00:18:30,567
what are sisters for?
361
00:18:30,602 --> 00:18:32,501
damned if i know.
362
00:18:43,033 --> 00:18:45,501
- mom?
- yeah, honey.
363
00:18:45,536 --> 00:18:47,234
how you doing,
sport?
364
00:18:47,269 --> 00:18:49,267
- hi, dad.
- does it hurt?
365
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,567
i can't really
feel anything.
366
00:18:52,602 --> 00:18:54,734
can you feel this?
367
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,601
i'm really sorry.
368
00:18:58,636 --> 00:19:00,200
sorry for what?
369
00:19:00,235 --> 00:19:03,367
about the way
i've been acting.
370
00:19:03,402 --> 00:19:05,901
i've been kind of
a smart mouth.
371
00:19:05,936 --> 00:19:08,367
well, you take
after me.
372
00:19:08,402 --> 00:19:10,968
yeah, darlene, it's kind
of out of your hands.
373
00:19:12,567 --> 00:19:14,667
it's just that
sometimes-
374
00:19:15,734 --> 00:19:17,334
i don't know.
375
00:19:17,369 --> 00:19:19,934
well, darlene, don't
you think that i was 11?
376
00:19:19,969 --> 00:19:22,434
don't you think
i had a mother?
377
00:19:22,469 --> 00:19:24,934
and i used to wish that
there was some kind of machine
378
00:19:24,969 --> 00:19:28,200
where you could
just do this.
379
00:19:28,235 --> 00:19:30,234
and she'd disappear.
380
00:19:30,269 --> 00:19:32,767
well, that's not
exactly how i feel.
381
00:19:32,802 --> 00:19:35,267
yeah, but you gotta admit
that a gadget like that
382
00:19:35,302 --> 00:19:37,734
would come in
handy sometimes.
383
00:19:37,769 --> 00:19:40,434
you mean like
at baseball games?
384
00:19:40,469 --> 00:19:42,701
look, when you
don't want us around,
385
00:19:42,736 --> 00:19:45,901
you just tell us and we'll
cry our hearts out and leave.
386
00:19:45,936 --> 00:19:47,767
you're not going
anywhere now, right?
387
00:19:47,802 --> 00:19:49,501
i mean, you're gonna
stay right here.
388
00:19:49,536 --> 00:19:51,534
oh, yeah,
i'm here for the night.
389
00:19:51,569 --> 00:19:53,300
i brought my
sleeping bag.
390
00:19:53,335 --> 00:19:55,267
thanks, mom.
391
00:20:06,968 --> 00:20:09,167
i found it, darlene!
392
00:20:12,067 --> 00:20:13,567
what?
393
00:20:13,602 --> 00:20:16,300
the floor of your room!
394
00:20:16,335 --> 00:20:19,234
mother, please don't
make me laugh.
395
00:20:19,269 --> 00:20:22,133
i still have stitches,
you know.
396
00:20:22,168 --> 00:20:24,133
now, don't you think
all that ice cream
397
00:20:24,168 --> 00:20:28,067
might spoil your
midafternoon snack?
398
00:20:28,102 --> 00:20:31,567
hey, i need all
the strength i can get.
399
00:20:31,602 --> 00:20:33,567
you been home for
a week now, darlene,
400
00:20:33,602 --> 00:20:37,367
and you're going to school tomorrow no
matter what, so quit milking this thing.
401
00:20:37,402 --> 00:20:39,901
nice bedside manner.
402
00:20:39,936 --> 00:20:41,801
why, thank you.
403
00:20:41,836 --> 00:20:44,067
now get your damn feet
off my couch.
404
00:20:44,102 --> 00:20:47,400
don't worry, i won't tarnish
your beautiful fabric.
405
00:20:47,435 --> 00:20:51,300
darlene, when you gonna
stop being a smart mouth?
406
00:20:51,335 --> 00:20:54,067
mmm, three weeks
from next tuesday.
407
00:20:54,102 --> 00:20:57,534
what is your major
malfunction, numskull?
408
00:20:57,569 --> 00:21:00,267
didn't your mommy and daddy
give you enough love
409
00:21:00,302 --> 00:21:01,934
when you were
growing up?
410
00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:04,167
please don't
fall off that sofa
411
00:21:04,202 --> 00:21:06,334
and stain my
beloved carpet.
412
00:21:06,369 --> 00:21:08,767
that would break
my beating heart.
413
00:21:08,802 --> 00:21:11,601
now, why don't you get on board?
why don't you get with a winner?
414
00:21:11,636 --> 00:21:13,734
climb on board,
ride with us,
415
00:21:13,769 --> 00:21:16,634
we're going
to victory!
416
00:21:16,669 --> 00:21:19,267
please take your
sneakers off that couch,
417
00:21:19,302 --> 00:21:20,968
or you are
wallpaper!
418
00:21:21,003 --> 00:21:23,133
am i being
read clear?
419
00:21:23,168 --> 00:21:26,501
do you understand me,
private conner?
420
00:21:26,536 --> 00:21:29,067
okay, i'm wallpaper.
421
00:21:29,102 --> 00:21:32,100
now could you guys
get out of here?
422
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:35,767
oh, darlene,
423
00:21:35,802 --> 00:21:39,067
we are just so happy
you're back to your old self.
424
00:21:40,067 --> 00:21:50,067
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