All language subtitles for Reno 911 s05e06 Dangles Secret Family.eng

Captioning made possible by
mtv networks

K...Talk to me.

We got a call about
a pipe bomb inside the high school.

So we're using our new
high-tech bomb robot.

It's got a mini 14 assault rifle,
night vision, it's made in France.

Dangle:
Made in France. State of the art.

- Oh, there it is. There it is.
- Ok. Ok!

Talk to me.
Talk to me.

- I got it! I got it!
- You got it! That's right!

Whoo!
Good job!

Wait, wait, wait!

- Uh, you want to stop it there?
- Press stop!

It's not stopping!

- Oh shit!
- Push the stop button.

Who speaks French?
Anyone?

What's
mise aux feu?

[gunfire]

[screaming]

[gunfire]

I can't get up.
Oh, god. Turn it off!

Sheriff's department
freeze! Get on the ground.

Freeze!

[gunfire]

Ohhh!

What?
What?

All right.

This is not a show!

The tornado.
No!

Hell, no!
We won't blow!

Yeah!

He's my friend.

Yah!

Man: Right on the ground.
Put it right on the ground.

Aah!

Trudy: So, then I just
took dried macaroni,

And I glued it onto a vase.

Oh.

And then I put, I think
they were buttons--

Uh, guys.
Big news.

Um, do you remember
how I told you

That my father abandoned
me when I was a little boy;

He left me, my mother then
later killed herself,

And I was sent to live
with my uncle frederick?

In the meantime,

My dad went and started
a new family in chicago--

A black family.

Uh, now, my dad,
it turns out, is dead.

Oh...

No, no, no, no.
Fuck him, fuck him!

He was a total--
total turkey, abandoned me.

I was forced to live
with my uncle frederick.

Long story short:

I have these black
siblings, erique and bethany,

That live in chicago.

They are coming here
to settle the will.

Oh, good for you.

Somebody's about
to get paid.

Anyway, I--I want
to give the impression

That I'm a little bit
less...

Of a creepy, weird,
gay guy, you know?

So, basically, I'm just
sort of looking for,

I want a girlfriend
for the night.

Not it.

I'd do anything
for you, girlfriend.

But this time, uh, ray-ray,

I really kind of
wanted to go urban.

Oh, come on.
Be his black girlfriend.

Why do I feel like
the undertone of

That singing is that
it's mandatory?

'cause it is.

Look at this. Idiots!

Oh!

Ohh...

I see we got a couple
more takers for the $50 challenge, brothers.

No.

You want to go 2 on 1,
I'll take it 2 on 1.

Tag-team, handicap.
First blood.

However you want to--

No, it is illegal
to have backyard wrestling matches,

And you can't have
that, sir, so we're shutting this down...

And you're gone--

It's illegal to look
this good and be this bad, brothers!

- Come on, little birdies.
- No!

We're not doing that!
Alright?

- Chirp, chirp little birdies!
- Everybody, we're leaving.

- Don't you threaten us.
- Everybody stop this! This is illegal--

Don't sing it, bring it!

What?

Free head butt.
My head's as hard as a coconut.

Try it, brother.

Well, it's not harder
than my stick sir.

It's gonna crack
your head in half.

No, let's not do this.

You want me to put
the cage up, brother?

We'll do a cage match.

Oh! We got a cage for you.

We got a cage
for you downtown.

Cage match!
Hell in a cell, brothers.

Smash 'em down
to china, brothers.

Junior?

Travis?

Hi.

50 bucks is 50 bucks.

Let's go. Come on, now,
junior. Come on.

Come on!
Go ahead.

Whaa!
Bring it.

Let's go,
junior.

Come on,
June bug.

So, you know
my tragic life story, right?

Yes.

Anyhoo, so...

Yes, you drove
your daddy away.

Oh, no, no, no.
I didn't drive my daddy away.

Who said I drove
my daddy away?

My daddy left
on me and my mama.

Then she--pow!

Then I was raised
by uncle frederick

Who was kicked out
of the jesuits.

And you don't blame
yourself at all for you daddy--?

No!

Going away, and your
mom--pow!

No!

Interesting.

We got a 911 call
at the local brothel, the cathouse.

Ho! Sheriff's department!

Somebody causing
some trouble.

- Oh son of a gun!
- Oh, here we go.

Everything's
under control, ma'am.

Everything's under control.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

The dispute's here.

Andrew, andrew, andrew
did you call 911?

Yes, I did.
I did call 911.

I am happy to admit it,

Because there has been
injustice.

I got off work,
all right?

And I just wanted
to come here, you know,

Just to shake it off,
shake off the--

- Have sex at the brothel.
- Have sex.

I didn't even go to the sex---

Put your penis
into things.

I only had $15.
So what I wanted.

Was a creme de menthe bj
on my member, all right?

- Clarify, clarify, clarify.
- Creme de menthe.

The young ladies
will put creme de menthe in their mouth--

They drink it?

They will go...
On your member,

And give you pleasure,

And that gives you
that tingling.

- That minty, minty.
- Yeah, exactly.

Let me tell you--

When you're in reno,
I'd recommend one.

And that's what
I was going for,

But I knew, from the minute
that she went down,

That that was not
creme de menthe in her mouth

But it was
peach schnapps.

- That's what I paid for.
- You dialed 911 for this?

You called us.

- Yeah, and I'll
tell you right now. - Yes.

You want to know the truth,
you taste my manhood.

Just taste my manhood.
Just touch it, then taste it.

Take your hand
and touch it and then lick your fingers.

I will not
do it, sir.

Why don't we send
your manhood to the lab

And have the boys
in the lab go...?

I'll go with you
right now.

If you want to take
a swab;

If you got
a little q-tip,

And you take a swab
off my member--

I ain't gonna take
a swab off your member.

No one's swabbing
your member.

I've seen "csi,"
you take a quick swab,

And you take that
in there and boom, boom, boom.

This is not--I tell you,
that's gonna be that moment,

'cause they'll come in,
and they'll go,

"you gotta get in here.
Get in the evidence room."

Swab your member.

And that guy goes,
"get in this evidence room,"

They go
bom, bom, bom

Well, thank you so much
for that wonderful reenactment of "csi."

And you are gonna
feel foolish!

I took an african
dance class when I heard that his siblings--

My black siblings
were coming. Yeah.

Because I thought
I could be of some use.

And now I hear that
my services are unnecessary.

No. They're
unwanted.

- Ok.
- 'cause what do we say sometimes?

What comes out-
the horrible little bird

That comes out
of our mouth and says--

Nigger.

And we're not
gonna do that.

- This time you said it.
- I know.

Let's say it together.

- Nigger.
- No.

See?

It's a horrible little
bird in your mouth.

And where do
we send that bird?

To auschwitz.

No.

[whispers]
back inside.

Back inside.

Only to
resurface again

With another
inappropriate nigger.

Basically,
I don't need much.

I went and I took down,
I believe, most of the gay stuff.

No, you didn't.

Yeah, I did.

You're saying that's gay?

I'm saying
it's super gay.

To the naked eye.
Okay.

Super gay.

Get your boys up here.

Down, down.

Why?

Why do you think?

- That's not gay.
- What is it?

There's nothing
gay about that.

I like pirates.
And I like actors.

And I like men
who act like pirates.

We need to get--

And I like smooth
little boys.

Yeah.
You're probably right.

This man has a sign
that says "I'm super gay."

I know.

That's kind of good, though.
That's different.

A lot of people
might have that. Well...

- No.
- Yeah, probably not.

Kind of gay.

Can we get rid of the number
one boyfriend statuette?

Yep.

Put it in the box.

This is not gay.

But I could see that black
people might not love it.

When I think about
dangle's family coming to town,

This is what
I really think:

I think that, as a whole,
the black community has stepped it up.

You know, we're tired
of all these celebrities,

You know, going to
these far-off countries and getting our kids

And we said,
"hey, you know what?

"let's start claiming
our own family right here,

Even if they are
real light."

Dangle probably got
a little drop of that blood in there,

And, you know,
they came on back for him.

I think they're
coming back to borrow money.

We have a report
of kids dropping things over the overpass here, so...

Hey! Hey hey hey!

Hey! Ho!
Oh, no, no, no! Drop it!

Drop it!

[tires skidding,
horn honking, crash]

Oh, god. Go.
Scamper. Scamper.

Go go!

Topics of
conversation. All right?

You only have
one thing to say about o.J.

Yes.

He didn't do it.

I have to say that?

You have--

No, no, 'cause
I, yeah, yeah.

He didn't do it.

Damn! Brother
didn't do it.

So, they come in,
I'm like,

"damn...Brother
didn't do it."

- He didn't do it.
Good. Good. - Didn't do it..

Despite all of
the evidence--

Hey! Hey! Hey!

What? An extremely
rare...Shoe.

Bah, bah, bah,
bah, bah, bah.

- And all the evidence
that was-- - no! No! No!

We don't bring up
the evidence.

We don't bring up
the white people;

We don't bring up
the evidence.

- No!
- 'cause the evidence would seem--

" 'cause if the glove
didn't fit..."

Right. Except
it kind of did fit.

No, it can't.
It kind of did.

Where do you stand on
the whole biggie/tupac beef?

Oh, good. This is
a good drill.

Um, damn! Them niggers
that got tupac,

When they gonna
get them back?

That was pretty
good, right?

No, I'm on the other
side of that.

We've received 4 of
these anonymous letters

From a local kidnapper.
Ransom demands.

The boys down in the lab
have steamed it open.

So...Uh...

Oh.

Think the boys
oversteamed it a little bit.

Mm-hmm.
"I gotta..."

We're gonna divide it
up in, like, vowels?

"I gotta..."

Lick?

Do you
have an l-I-c?

Me!

Me! M-e!

"I gotta lick me."

I gotta lick me.

"I gotta choose"
me.

Me a love?

I gotta choose me a love.

Exclamation point.

Uh...
I think we need to go with the I-n.

"I got friends
in low places."

To...
Tori.

"I'm a goat
cheese tori."

[italian accent]
I'm a goat cheese-atori.

Like...

Oh, then you got
the quotes here.

Well, I pulled them out.

Oh, like "too."

I'm a goat cheese...

[all speaking]

Ooh-- wink...
"I'm a goat cheese lover".

He's being ironic.

Or maybe
he's sarcastic.

- He's saying,
"I'm a goat cheese lover" - oh, that son of a bitch.

This fella
hates goat cheese.

Yeah.

"she dines
a lot of cock."

"I got mary,

She dines
a lot of cock".

"mary
she-dines."

She dies...
[gasp]

Oh, my g--yes, yes.
She dies.

"I've got mary.

All:
She dies at 1 o'clock."

Yes!
[cheering]

Thank you.

What time is it?

Oh...
Hmm.

Here's the thing.
Here's a question.

This is gonna be
kind of sensitive.

What?

There may be things
that they say

That I just need
translated.

Like what?

I don't--ok, this is
why I didn't want to bring this up,

'cause it's a slightly
sensitive subject.

[sighs] I don't understand
you all the time.

Why? What have I
ever said that you didn't understand?

- Uh...
- Speak on it.

- Speak on it. Make it plain.
- The colloquialisms you use.

Go. Speak on 'em.
Make it plain.

- See?
- Holler at me.

No, seriously,
break it down.

It would be good
if we argue a little bit.

I think it would be
very convincing.

Don't let a black
woman pop off to you.

- Do what? Come again.
- Alright?

- Don't let her pop off.
- What's pop off?

- One more time...
- When a black woman starts--

Is that when you do
this thing?

That's pop and lock.

- Listen! Listen!
- I won't do either, how about that?

I'm listening.

If I pop off to you,

If I start talking
crazy to you--

Smack you.

Slap you right across
the mouth.

I just want to talk
to you about these messages

That you put
in my mailbox.

Oh, yeah.

You know my name,
right?

Um, you
the pretty lady.

Ok, 'cause
you wrote boobies on all of these.

And on one of them,
look what you did there.

I don't know if that's
a man with a long nose, or something else.

Oh...

- Clemmy. Ok?
- Clemmy. Ok.

Clemmy.
That's my name.

- Ok, so, these are
all urgent. - Ok.

And one's from
charlie, one's from charlie g.I.,

And one's from
charlie o.K.

Mm-hmm...Mm-hmm.

And there's one from a gook
in there, too.

Ok.
I thought to put that earlier.

I don't understand
you're writing.

This isn't in english,
and I don't know...

You know what?
That is my shorthand.

- That's your
shorthand. Ok. - Yeah.

- Um, you like long hand?
- Yeah.

Ya know, sometimes,

I know some people like
short hand job.

- Yeah.
- Some people like long hand job.

Yeah, I like
a long hand job.

- Ok! Ok.
- I do.

- I remember that
for you. - Ok.

Um, I'll give you
10 dollars

Every time you don't say
long hand job to me

And just write it down
properly.

- Ok.
- Ok?

I can do that.

Oh, hey, so,
you know, uh....

My black family's
coming to town.

Yeah, I know.

I just wanted to ask
a real, uh, specific favor of you.

Oh, jim, listen.
Don't say another word.

I will be there.
I will--I will cook.

I will pretend to be
your wife.

I will have
intercourse with you.

I will lube you up,
I will wash you down.

Just, don't take
this the wrong way.

Yeah.

Stay the fuck away
from me and my black family, ok?

I don't know if there's
any other way to take what you just said.

We had a call of a guy
hanging out here at the church,

And I guess
he's freaking some people out.

So...Gonna see
if we can't get him to get a move on.

Sheriff's department.

Hello, sir.
How you doing today?

[meows]

[hissing]

Ok, whoa, whoa. Uh-oh.
Hey, hey, hey.

Take it easy there, buddy.

Take it easy.
[hiss]

Sir? Are you on
any substances?

Have you been
hospitalized recently?

Uh-huh.

Sir, you can't
be here, all right?

We've been getting
complaints from the church

That you're not
allowed to just lurk around and...

Uh-oh.

[hocking]

Oh, this is
just a hairball.

This is a hairball.
It's ok.

You'll get through it.
Are you ok?

Oh, ick.

I have several cats.
And this is my forte.

[singsong voice]
hello.

[mimics voice]
hello.

My name is trudy.

My name is matthew.

Oh, hi, matthew.
Would you like to go somewhere else?

Not really.

Get off the lawn!
Get going!

Jesus! Stop it!

All right!

I'm going.

You don't have to
hit me with water.

- That was good work.
- Thank you.

I have a lot of
experience.

You don't do very--
I mean, you're not very good at this.

- This is the one time--
- you're actually efficient.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Woman: I'm feeling
a little queasy.

[raineesha laughs]

I'll tell you,
she done--

She done chain me
down good, erique.

I'm sorry?

She chain me down
good.

I used to be
a little bit of a...

A little bit of a poon
hound around here.

[raineesha laughs, coughs]

Oh! I almost
swallowed my tooth.

You got the gold tooth?

Oh, my god!
It came right out!

To...

My sistah
and my brothah.

Erique
and bethany.

Actually, before
it's actually just eric.

And it's definitely
not betha-nee.

Eric, what do you
do again?

I'm actually a cpa.

Mm. Driving in one
of them elevator trains, that's so cute.

I always wished
I'd done something useful like that,

Like drive
an elevated train--

No, no, a cpa.
Cpa.

A certified public
accountant. A cpa.

I have no idea
why I laughed.

- I have no idea
why I laughed. - Yeah.

- Cheers.
- To dad.

[tearful]
cheers. To dad.

He would just be
so happy if he saw us all together.

He would.

Tying up...

He'd be happy
to see you,

And he'd look over
at the guy with the mustache and say,

"what was
his name again?"

Don't say that.
He would not.

That's not...

What the hell?
I know them other 2 niggers...

But who is that?

[laughing
hysterically]

[chuckles]

Oh, boy.
You coughed something up on me.

Let me ask you
a question.

How many of you have
ever told a lie?

Show of hands.

Mm-hmm. Ok.

How many of you have
ever copied off someone else's paper?

Yeah. You done that. Ok.

How many of you have
ever had too much of an alcoholic beverage

And gotten behind
the wheel?

You're all
under arrest.

Let's go.

[meow, meow]

You gonna make me
put it on. Ow!

Bethany:
That's lovely.

So, uh, I know
that...[slurp]

Uh, there's the matter
of the will.

Oh.

Yeah. There is
some stuff,

Uh, to divide.

And we're, you know,
we're family.

I want it
to be fair.

Right down
the middle.

Right down
the middle.

That's what we were
gonna say.

Black and white.
Yeah.

So, from cook county
funeral services,

There's the bill for
his funeral expenses.

We'll just, like you
said, just chop it straight down--

It's a bill for
5,088 dollars.

Right.

Most of everything else got
split between the houses

And the pools
and our education.

And the kids,
our kids.

Wait, no.
I'm sorry.

No. That's not it!

That's not
the only thing.

He left nothing
else, not one other thing...

To his only
white son.

[crying] he was--
it was obviously he had this a long time.

It was very valuable.

Something valuable.

Very, very precious to him.

Don't start crying,
because I will start crying.

It's very precious.

[breathes heavy]

Daddy's banana splits
key chain.

The first car I got,
when daddy gave it to me,

The keys were
on that chain.

It was a convertible.
It was blue.

It was
so beautiful!

It was a really
nice car.

Um...

I had so much sex
in the backseat of that car.

I always liked
the banana splits.

I don't understand,
though.

Are they supposed
to be people,

Or one
guy was a monkey.

I think
there was a bear.

One's a bear,
one's an elephant,

The other one's
also a dog.

I don't know
if he's a dog.

I think he might be,
like, a muskrat or something.

No, he's like
a dog.

I think it's a dog,
'cause it's got

The big ears and--

Two dogs
and a bear.

Captioning made possible by
mtv networks

There ya go...

Yeah, really
get in there.

How's that
working out for you?

Really get on it...Yeah,
really work it.

'cause you gotta--

- Doesn't tingle.
- See? See?

- Huh!
- And let me tell you--

Well, I think we
all learned a very valuable lesson.

Try it.

Suck on that.

Try it.
He's right.

Get on it.

He's
totally right.

Get on it.

I'll do it.
I'll show you.

No. You don't need to.
Just check it. He's right.

He's 100% right, though.

Is that an order?

'cause you're gonna
feel the tingling,

And he's gonna feel
the tingling.

It gives and gives.

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