All language subtitles for Portlandia s07e03 Freds Cell Phone Company.eng

[ringtone chiming]

- Hey.
- Hi!

- Hi.
- [laughing]

Come here. Come to Portland.

I'll be there next weekend.

I can't wait to just have,

like, my hands all over you.

I don't want to get ahead
of ourselves,

but I do want to figure out
the details

for my cousin's wedding.

Ren?e. When is the wedding?

It's October 13th.

I'm in London until the 12th.

Is this crazy if I--
if I met you in London?

- Come to London.
- Right?

That'll be our date.
October...

I so want to kiss you
right now.

You look so hot, by the way.

13th, but the flight
is on the 12th.

Can we start a shared
Google calendar

if we're gonna start figuring
out all this other stuff?

- Yeah.
- Sam, hold on. I--

The delivery guy's here.

I'll be right back.

I'm looking at pictures
of you.

[mouse clicking]

[plastic rustling]

- Hi, I'm so sorry.
- Hey, we're doing Christmas

- this year, right?
- Yeah.

But what about
the next Christmas?

I thought my dad's again.

It's just-- it-- the--
it's unfair,

'cause, like,
why don't we alternate?

I don't know how many
Christmases my dad has left.

I'm just trying to add in
an "end date."

To my dad?

Uh, can we make
this agreement, then?

Okay, all these Christmases--

You know what? Why don't I
put in the calendar--

oh, here--
"My dad dies,"

and then you can just look
at that in the calendar,

and then we can plan everything
around your family after that.

How about-- Can we do this?

You put in when my dad dies.

New Year's Eve,
we'll be here, then, okay?

Forget Christmas.
But I'm asking you

that once we have
this Christmas with your dad--

your great dad--

after Christmas Eve,
can we leave that night?

You know what?
That is a good idea,

'cause I find that flights
are cheaper that night.

You know,
this is what I think

as I look at all these flights
and stuff--

we're getting way ahead
of ourselves.

The romantic part of this,
which is really being together

and getting to know
each other--

this just seems more--
I don't know, like--

it just exists as a fantasy,
you know?

I don't know. I think we should
rethink our relationship.

Sam? Sam?

Yes? What do you think?

Okay, there you are.

God, sorry. I--

You totally cut out.

I didn't hear anything
you just said.

Oh, um... nothing.

Let's, um--

Hey, same time tomorrow, right?

Yeah. Okay.
Have a good night.

Have a good night. Love you.

Bye. Love you.

[Washed Out's
"Feel It All Around" playing]

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

Okay, you guys are
still charging me

for this international
data plan,

and it's been three months.

Fine, well, then,
email me the form.

And I would like to be
reimbursed for these charges.

Thank you. Bye.

Jesus.

Seriously, my cell phone company
is driving me crazy.

They're just charging me
for all this stuff.

[sputters]
Sorry. It's just--

it's stressing me out.

What if I started
my own cell phone company? Me.

Can you do that?
Like, you're--

You're not a corporation,

and what about,
like, coverage,

and the technology
and all that stuff?

What if I have ten customers,
and that's it?

- Ten phones. My friends.
- Right.

Start a, you know,
a plan for everybody,

and that's it,
and that's the beginnings

of a cell phone company.

I like it.
Fred's Cell Phone Company.

Yeah. "Hi.
How may I direct your call?

This is the CEO."

Good morning.
As some of you already know,

I'm starting my own
cell phone company.

I've heard all
of your complaints--

trouble texting, no coverage,

it's too expensive.

But here is where my company
is gonna be different

from all the others.

I will only have ten customers.

And those customers are you,

my friends.

Those days of the old,

huge companies being faceless,

just brick walls of information,

that's done.

That's over.

This is gonna be me and you.

Now, I had these phones made.

This is designed by me.

Why don't you pass them
all down here?

So these are your phones.

Now, since it's just us,

your phone number is one digit.

I'm not kidding.

One, two, three,

four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine,

and ten is right here.

That's so great, Fred.

I'm gonna call you right now.

Ah, we're gonna do
a phone call right now.

- [phone buzzing]
- I'm getting a call

from number one--
Hello?

Oh, I think it's
actually dead, my phone.

All right,
but the call went through,

so I'm gonna charge you
for the minute.

What about coverage?

Coverage.
The white areas represent

what I do not cover yet.

We're up here

in the Portland,
Oregon area.

Now, I'd like everyone
to memorize something.

A, B, C--

Always Be Calling.

Always...
...be calling.

Why?
Because we can't text yet.

Right.

[rock music]

Thank you guys so much
for coming today,

and I'm very, very sorry
for your loss.

Yeah, well, we're, uh,
sorry for your loss.

Yes.

- Our loss.
- Mm-hmm.

Because death touches everyone.
Yes.

Um, how can I be of service
to you today?

Is this something the deceased
wore a lot?

Kind of a favorite tee?

- Nope.
- Okay, so, this is something

that the deceased
will be buried in.

Not quite.

It's a murder weapon.

[softly]
So he was strangled?

There was a victim involved.

You know who the victim was?

- Who?
- Men.

Men in general.

I mean, everyone's
just forgetting about men.

Men need a funeral.

We don't usually inter
abstract concepts.

Masculinity is
an abstract concept?

You're a man. You should be
thinking about these things.

Men are being forgotten.

Why don't we get
to the service itself?

Do you mind? What did you guys
actually have planned?

- Something strong.
- Something male.

- Something linear.
- Composites of factories

- on the wall-- schematics.
- Analytics.

- Blueprints of buildings.
- Concrete.

Some foods laid out.

What kid of foods
were you thinking?

- Meatballs. Dry meatballs.
- Raw ball.

- No sauce.
- Raw ball?

Nothing flowery or frilly
around it.

Just meatballs on plates.

I am kind of curious.
Just, all the kind of need

for order and precision--
what is that hiding?

What's behind that?

I don't think it's hiding--
I think it's--

'Cause you can't angle
the gay away.

You know what I mean?
You can't--

It's not anti-gay.

I think it's just very male.

I'm not saying
you're anti-gay.

I'm saying you...
are gay.

- Ardor?
- You are gay.

Ar-dor?

Are gay.

We're gay for being straight.

We will be singing
"We Are the Champions."

- Oh.
- Any doors you have--

make sure that they slam
real hard...

Male sounds.

Okay, okay. Male sounds.

- Male sounds.
- I'm writing it.

Maybe Thor's hammer
somewhere in there.

- Mm-hmm.
- Some lightning bolts.

- Okay.
- Pel?.

You want him there,
or images of him?

I am lo-- It's so abstract
at this point

that I can't really--

A rendition of Pel?
in motion.

This is why we're here. We're
paying you to do the service.

I can acquire everything
you guys are requesting.

I'm just worried that we get it
in the space, we look,

- and we go, "No!"
- Mm-hmm.

Is there any chance
of focusing this?

- Yes, sir, there is.
- Okay.

You can get smaller versions

of all the things
we were talking about

so that, you know, it doesn't
take up as much space.

Miniatures.

Okay.

[organ music]

Hm.

[soft instrumental music]

You see what I mean?
We're barely getting any tips.

- Yeah.
- We have wonderful employees.

People seem to love our coffee.

I agree.
It's all about the tip jar.

- Tip jar?
- Yeah.

You're not familiar
with the tip jar world?

- No.
- At J'Art Basel last year

Diego tipped the j'art world
on its head.

A mysterious provocateur,

he got his start making
DIY j'art in Mexico City.

Then, through a series of
increasingly ambitious shows,

his influence went global.

To truly understand
his j'artistry,

you have to experience
his studio in person.

[dramatic music]

[flute music]

[creaking]

[whispering voice]
Diego.

[light bulb buzzing]

Want to give us an update
on the progress?

I don't know
what the progress is,

because I don't measure time
like you do.

In Mexico City,

sometimes the sun rises,
and we have no idea

- what month it is.
- Wow.

Mexico City's the place to be.

Did you know that Xbox
is in Mexico City now?

I'm sorry. You guys are--
are making my--

my tip jar?

Let's see what we got here.

Um...

This is from a statue
of the greatest Mexican major.

I cut off part of the statue.

I hesitate to put something
that's been stolen

into her coffee shop.

In Mexico City,
we have lunch all day long.

That's not true.
I've been there.

Every day is like a big,
long lunch,

and we wake up, and we say,
"It's lunchtime."

And the family eats
in one big table.

I have been to Mexico City.
You know that, right?

That's what we do, and then
we go to bed eating lunch.

You see, in Mexico City,
we do before we think.

You see that?
That's a cow.

This one,
I was going through a phase.

It was to prevent tips
from going in.

This is a man making
the pyramids.

Before your pyramids.

It's the tongue.
It's the leather tongue.

- Blehh!
- Okay, that's--

This is from
when this place was a factory.

We've talked
about this one before.

- Yes?
- I think it's sexist.

[kisses]

My hands-- look.

Right now
it's just making tip jars.

I'm not even commanding it
to do it.

I put down a deposit.

I don't want to talk
about mon--

I don't understand money.

I'm like a child.

You hand me a credit card,

I throw it in the water

and step on it,

and then I kick it around.

But when I make art...

[metal dings]

...it works.

[wheels squeaking]

Okay, you're insured, right?

Yes. I did get the insurance.

Okay.

[soft Mexican guitar music]

That's...

the same tip jar.

That's the one that--
that we had.

Thank you.

I just work with my hands
and this is--

this is what I make.

[upbeat music]

Hi. I'm Fred
from Fred's Cell Phone Company.

Hi, there. We've got a bill
that's overdue.

[forced laugh]
Okay.

Uh, but is there any amount
you can pay today?

I'm sorry about that.
Thank you.

[ringtone chiming]

Yes, that's been an issue
with many people.

Um, I suggest you go
to our website

once it's up and running.

Okay, well, I'll have someone
out there as soon as I can.

Okay. And thanks for sticking
with Fred's Cell Phone Company.

[pleasant music]

[doorbell rings]

Oh, hey, buddy.

How you doing? I'm just
checking in on your service.

- You happy with it?
- Uh--

Listen. I heard you were
working on some gardening.

So I had this extra hose.
You can have it.

Are you listening
to my conversations?

Just for sound quality.
Just for a little while.

None of the details. Just
little things here and there.

I won't do it forever.

Uh, that would be nice.
Thank you.

Yeah. By the way,
your mom is insane.

She's crazy.

Hey, Fred. Thanks for coming
all the way out here.

Hey, listen. You're gonna get
a charge of $3,000 on your bill.

Go ahead and pay it.
It's not on you.

I'm gonna get you back
on the next bills right after.

Okay? I'm sorry about that.

- Okay.
- High-tech!

- Carrie! Carrie!
- Fred?

There you are.

Oh, I missed you
at the coffee shop.

Sorry about that.

Wait, how'd you even know
I was here?

Listen. I have
some text messages for you.

These did not go through.
They went to my computer.

"Carrie, Paul's surprise party's
moved to Oaks Park Roller Rink.

Be there by 6:00."

Wait, you've been reading
the text messages?

Hey, this is customer service.

- Is it?
- Yeah. Hand to hand.

How's it going?
You seem so harried.

It's pretty crazy.
It's like being a waiter,

but the tables are, like,
all over town.

I think you should get
an assistant.

Uh, that's not gonna happen.

Also, you've got a bill.
You're over your minutes.

- Wait. What?
- See you later!

- Fred!
- Fred, my phone's not working.

Yeah. I'm gonna put you
on hold.

Your input is very important
to us.

What do you mean,
put me on hold?

I'm standing right in front
of you.

Fred, don't you-- don't.
Fred!

- Hey. Sorry about that.
- Fred!

[laughing]
You show up there

at 1:00 in the morning?

Please. No way.

Hey, you owe me 28 bucks
on your last bill.

I sent you your bill,
right?

Oh, you're just at 60.
That's easy.

Uh, yeah, 60 plus late fee
from last week.

I love you, Marlena,
but, uh, you owe me money.

Don't blame me, right?
Blame the boss.

- [laughing]
- I'm Pat Boyle,

and this is "Pat Down."

Feel the heat?

Hey. I'm Pat Boyle.

How does it feel not to pay
taxes for five years?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How's it going?
- Uh, great.

I have a question. I'm having
some problems with my phone.

Oh, I'm not doing that today.

It's my day off. Enough.

Fred, you're
a communications company.

You just can't, like,
not work.

I'll deal with it on Monday.
Not today.

You know, might I suggest
putting up a "closed" sign

- if you're not working?
- I'll do that.

Ugh. Okay. Can you clean up?

[knocking at door]

Carrie, door!

[knocking at door]

Ugh.

[knocking]

Do you know how angry I am?

You promised us good service.

I've been waiting
on a phone call

from the hospital
for test results,

and I can't get a signal.

- What the hell's wrong with you?
- Well, where were you waiting?

I was in my house,
waiting for a phone call.

- I can't get anything.
- Fred!

Come on. 130 bucks?

That's twice what I usually pay.

You charged me
for a cell phone tower.

I'm closed.

[all speaking at once]

- Carrie?
- I'm here too,

because you promised me
Internet access.

I mean, come on!

I am unavailable.
I am closed.

- No, you can't!
- What?

- Fred, you owe us!
- [all shouting at once]

[shouting continues]

Lance! Lance!

- Lance?
- Yeah.

- What are you doing?
- Adjusting the carburetor.

- I got you something.
- What is it?

I planned it
for a little while.

You should check it out.

All right.

Keep them closed.

Stand right here.

And open 'em!

- What?
- It's a massage chair!

Why did you get this?

It's for you, Lance.
You could relax.

You don't have to be
in the garage the whole day.

You can come in here
and hang out with me.

I don't need to relax,
and I like being in the garage.

No. This is good for you.
Look at it. It's so you.

- Is it?
- Like, your-- your face.

Those are your feet,
and that's your body,

and your brown hair.

Why are we just looking at it?
Go sit.

[whirring]

- Here we go.
- Whoa.

This is the dream wave
massage.

Not bad.

It's locating
your shiatsu points.

[farting]

What's that air sound?
Is that you?

- It's good.
- Let me just press

this one here.

[beeps]

[whirring]

[clamp clicks]

I just pressed something there.

Whoa. Nina, what happened?

Do you like it?
You're so relaxed.

- Can you hear me?
- Bet you don't want

to go back to the garage now.

I don't think I can move.

You're so happy.

What's happening?

Nina!

All right, I'm going to bed.
Are you coming?

I can't move, Nina.

[sighs]
You're still relaxing, huh?

I'm gonna go to bed.

Please don't go to bed.
Don't leave me down here.

Somebody likes his new chair!

Nina, don't turn out
the lights.

Good morning!

Who's a relaxed sleepyhead?

Do you want some eggs
and bacon?

I guess.

Want me to feed you?
Is that what it is?

Do you like my nightwear?

Is this my life now?

How come you're not saying
anything?

Meow!

I'll never get out of here.

_

[together]

I got him this chair,
and he just loves it.

I guess we'll just, um,

go and cut up some cake for you
if you want some.

What's the point?
I just want to die.

_

You know, Lance,
I wish you could've

taken a break from relaxing

to just be there for me.

The hospital is one block away.

But you love relaxing
in that chair so much

you just couldn't break away.

Well, you're gonna have
to choose, Lance.

It's either that chair

or me and the baby.

Baby?

When did that happen?

We're leaving.

Don't go, Nina.

Here we go. Time to die.

Bring it on, baby.

Baby?

Oh, man, Roy Orbison, Jr.

I'm not gonna see
that little squirt grow up,

take his first steps,

crash his first motorbike.

I'm just going to die here.

Time to die.

[gasps]

Lance?

I'm not giving up on you
that easy.

I love you, and I'll
fight this chair for you.

I bought you as a present,

brought you into my house,

and you took him,
didn't you?

Let go!

Stupid chair!

Let go of him!

[grunting]

[dramatic music]

Break!

[grunting]

Let go!

[gasping]
Water!

Lance, you came back to me.

- Hi.
- Hi. How are you?

Good. If you have
any questions about anything,

you could just ask.

Is that a massage chair?

- Yeah.
- Mind if I try it out?

- Sure.
- Damn.

This is better
than going to a chiropractor.

Yeah. It's top quality.

[laughs]
It's a business.

You know, that's
what people don't understand,

that it's a start-up,

and that's what business is.

They just don't know
how business works,

and they're just jealous
of entrepreneurs.

That's what I think,
you know?

They-- A business has to grow.

It has to get bigger.

And I'm doing
what anyone would do.

I don't even make
that much money.

I'm part of
the technology world,

and this is what it looks like.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

Oh! It's Pat Boyle.

You ever see "The Pat Down"?

She is brutal.

What are the odds?
I should video this.

Yeah.

Can't.

You should write that down
as a memo

that we should probably get
video capabilities

so it's instant instead
of having to access its--

Oh, she got Chico!

Is she coming... towards me?

It looks like it.

No!
[stammering]

Should we shred some of this?
I-- Oh, wow.

What? Where is she?

- Fred.
- Hey!

Do you run this company?

Uh, somewhat.

Did you tell this man
who needed to contact his doctor

in an emergency,
"I'll get to you"?

Hey, um, can we talk
about this in private?

I'm a huge fan of your show.
I watch it all the time.

I'm gonna make you a deal.

You give this poor man
his money back,

and then you're gonna pay
all his hospital bills.

Because of your phone company,

this man owes the hospital
$300,000.

Well, I hope you go
to the hospital

and we talk to them
about those bills.

That is out of line,
and I support you.

Your company profited, Fred.

All I can say is...
Will you please edit this

in a nice way?

'Cause I'm just a guy.
I'm not a business.

Like, I'm not, like,
a corporation. I'm just, like--

You make me sick.

I think she's talking to you.

No. It was for you, Fred.

Zoom in on his face.

[dramatic music]

Fred, can you tilt your head up
a little?

Thank you.

So how's the business going?

Oh, I didn't tell you.

I got bought out.

- By who?
- US Wireless.

They wanted, like, some kind
of a boutique company,

so they just bought it,
and I'm done.

I'm, like-- They took the name
and everything.

Should I be filing, like,
a class-action lawsuit

against you?

- No. You would sue them.
- Oh.

Yeah, 'cause they're
the parent company.

- Okay.
- So please, do it.

Knock yourself out.

Great.

[zany music]

In Mexico City,
we have all the shampoos.

Johnson & Johnson.

We have Purell,
Kiehl's.

We have that too.

In Mexico City,
we really have it.

You look down the aisle,
it's all Johnson & Johnson--

- Okay. Well--
- Or it could be Purell.

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0