All language subtitles for Portlandia s06e09 Lance is Smart.eng

[rock music]

[tires screech] [metal scrapes]

Oh.

[coughing]

[laughs]

[dog barking]

I am definitely injured.

[Washed Out's
"Feel It All Around" playing]

[dreamy chillwave music]

Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com

Ow!

You're getting rid of that bike, Lance.

Don't be ridiculous.

It's between me and the bike.

I don't have to go, like, to a morgue

and have to identify your body.

Okay, I'll get rid of the bike.

And how did you hit a pothole, anyway?

I didn't even see it.

- You didn't see a pothole?
- No.

That's the first time that's happened.

I know.

But it was the blue meth.

- And Walter White...
- This is bullshit!

My vision is perfect. It's 20/20.

- It always has been.
- Lance, just let him do it.

I think people get uncomfortable

when they get into the chair,

and this is a dentist's chair.

I think that's also part of it.

But we're going to do
a very simple test now.

It's much like a test
you'd take in school.

It helps me determine
what your eyesight...

is.

What I'd like you to do
is cover one eye,

and tell me what letter
you see at the top.

E. It's easy.

That's great. That's good, Lance.

- Mm-hmm.
- That one is easy.

Let's go to the second line.

- An F.
- And then?

- P.
- Oh.

- Great.
- You got that one correct.

Yeah, exactly. Let's go.
You want to get out of here?

Well, wait, let's go to
a little bit of a harder one.

What I like to do is,
I like to take people down to

just around the sixth line there.

The... the smaller.

E...

D...

Um...

- Hangman?
- It's a letter.

That was your clue.

Uh, a nose ring?

Well, none of those were right,

so what I'm gonna suggest is

that we put you in a pair of glasses.

Uh oh!

- No way!
- I'd like you to see Sharon.

We're gonna put you in a pair of frames.

I think it's gonna get you
excited about the process.

I'm not excited about the process.

- Nina, if you... Hey!
- I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!

- You wear glasses!
- I'm not doing this.

Thanks for being patient with him.

I'm sorry, he just...
just gets that way.

I love my work,
and I had an amazing summer.

I have nothing to complain about.

My children are healthy, thank God.

- Mm-hmm.
- And... and do I come across

patients sometimes
that challenge me? Sure.

But that's what makes it all worth it,

is that, you know, there's
all kinds of patients.

No.

[scoffs] Nope.

Eh, you look like a keyboard
player or something.

[gasps]

No, I just look like a big dork.

No, that's really good.
You look like a handsome dork.

I don't want to be
a dork at all, though.

Oh, no, you're wrong.

Those glasses look fantastic.

Thanks for your opinion, sir, but, uh,

- I clearly look like a nerd.
- Hardly.

No, those... those suit you quite well.

- See?
- Yeah.

If you don't have
a problem with resembling

a young Marcello Mastroianni.

- Honestly.
- Aw, come on.

- Who's that?
- He's an actor.

He's in a lot of Fellini movies.

- "8 1/2"
- "La Dolce Vida"

Honestly, you should get those.

Yeah, I don't know.
It's a little disjointed.

with my, uh, you know, biker thing.

Listen, I get it, okay?

I was a biker too.

[blows raspberry] [laughs]

You?

- [rock music]
- Oh.

Yeah, you can still be
a biker on the inside,

and cut up people for a living.

- What's your name?
- Oh, I apologize, Jarvis.

- Oh, okay.
- Nice to meet you.

Oh, hey. I'm Lance.

These glasses are essential.

They're a jumping-off point

to the next stage in your life.

I can show you. Can I borrow him for...

Six hours?

All right, I mean,
guys will be guys, so...

All right, I'll see you later.

I think Davidson is overlooked.

- Yeah.
- [indistinct chatter]

[jazz music]

That scene where
the stroller is falling.

De Palma did the same thing
in "Untouchables."

Oh, yeah. You're right.

Nina, Jarvis and I just went
to the Portland Art Museum.

We saw this image in the
Cunningham photography exhibit,

and he said it was better
than the Eggleston exhibit

he'd seen in New York!

- Ooh!
- Oh, and guess what?

He invited us to a dinner party
at his house this weekend.

And, like, do we bring food,
or is he gonna have food?

Ah, he said not to bring anything.

It's all free?

- Yeah.
- Ooh, free dinner.

- It's delicious, darling.
- Thank you.

And what's the marinade
that you used this time?

- It was grapeseed oil.
- Mm.

I was trying something different today.

- Hmm, I can taste it.
- Mm-hmm.

Lance, you enjoying the quinoa?

Yeah, I really like it
with the, uh... the zucchini.

- Mm, delicious.
- Yeah.

I thought you didn't like zucchini.

- I... I do like zucchini.
- You do?

This one time, we were over
at the... at the pier,

and he took off... the zucchini
off of the sandwich,

and when I tried to throw it
at those pigeons

then they... they couldn't lift it
because it was too big,

so they were, like, fighting over it,

and they were like...

all their wings were,
like, waving around.

Oh, no...

Oh, it was pickles.

- Right?
- Yeah.

So, yeah, we had pickles.

That was when we went
to the amusement park.

I barfed.

Hmm.

Anybody join the wait list to, uh...

To get the new Tesla battery?

I saw that. I was, uh...
I was thinking about it.

I know I'm excited.

The batteries I like are the, um...

The little square ones?
The rectangle ones?

- Nine volts?
- Nine volts.

Yeah, if you put 'em
all on top of a shelf,

you can... they can look...

Look like a little wall of teeth.

In high school, me and
my friends, Sissy and Marie,

we used to have battery fights

where we'd throw
batteries at each other,

and then, I thought I had a black eye,

and I looked in the mirror,
and it was like...

it was, like, blue,
and you know what it was?

It was Magic Marker.

One of them threw a Magic Marker at me.

And it drew on your eye?

I think what happened is,
when it hit my face,

- the cap just fell off.
- [fork clinks on plate]

Are you, uh, done with your story?

Oh, yeah. Sorry, I had wine.

You know what I'd love to do?

I would love to toast
our lovely host this evening.

- Please, allow me.
- Thank you.

To new friends, and to old.

Let us move forward. Let us be bold,

for the future belongs to those of us

who break the mold.

- That's beautiful.
- That's beautiful.

I didn't get you. I didn't get you.

I'm sorry, uh... we didn't
make eye contact, Nina.

What?

It's bad luck if you don't
look the person in the eye.

So say the French.

I don't want to have bad luck. Okay.

- No.
- Wait, what's the...

There's a black cat, then
there's going underneath the...

Wait, what did you tell me?
It's a black cat,

going under a ladder...
What's the other one?

Lance? Lance?

That was so fun. Their house is so big,

and I feel like I didn't
even see all the rooms yet.

There's probably all these
other rooms upstairs.

Maybe when we go back they can give us

a tour of the whole place.

- It was so nice.
- Do you hear yourself?

- What do you mean?
- We've never been

in these people's house,

and all you did was
tell these asinine stories

that had no beginnings and no ends.

They were just the middle
the entire time.

It was so embarrassing.

I don't even know what
you were talking about.

Pigeons and pickles! I mean...

You don't understand the story?

You remember we were by the pier,

and we were trying
to eat those sandwiches,

and then there was...
well, I guess I was...

Please stop talking.

You know, sometimes if you
just shut up for one second,

you would actually understand
more about the world.

You talk so much that things
don't even get into your head.

It just... I really want
to be friends with these people,

and I just want you to not
ruin it for me, please!

Don't ruin this for me!

Okay.

I... I mean, you get this, right?

Yeah, I get it.

You made your point.
I won't embarrass you anymore.

You got it.

Checkmate!

Well-played.

Hmm!

- Hi.
- Oh! Um, hi.

Do you, um, want to play?

- What is it?
- Uh, this is chess,

one of the greatest board games
of... of all... of our time.

It's a game of strategy
and guile, and basically,

the goal is to take down
the other person's king.

- So that's the king?
- Yes.

You're trying to protect him.

- And what's that?
- That is the queen.

- And what's that?
- That is a bishop.

And what are all those?

- These?
- Yeah.

Trees, leaves, branches made of wood.

What's the temperature of the sun?

Uh, 27 million degrees Fahrenheit.

- And, like, what's all this?
- This?

- Yeah.
- Um, grass?

- You're pretty smart, huh?
- Yes, I am.

I'm on my sixth grade chess
team, the debate team.

I skipped a grade.

Mm-hmm.

Do you think I'm dumb?

Um, do you know this was grass?

I... I did, but I just
wanted to get a sense of,

like, how smart you are.

Well, then, no, you're not dumb.

I don't think so, at least.

Well, what would you think
about maybe being my tutor?

Um, I haven't really
tutored anyone before.

I've always wanted to, but um...

Who... who are you? Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm Nina. Nice to meet you. Okay.

- Matthew.
- Matthew.

Now where do you want to start?

If you really want to impress someone,

improper fractions is what to do.

[plays "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"]

- So this is Wolfgang Mozart.
- Oh.

Scientists don't know how,
but the dinosaurs died

From a meteor, a flood... nobody
knows, so they're all dead.

But then, that started
the Revolutionary War.

Is that the war where they
said "The British are coming"?

- Yes.
- And were the British coming?

- Yes.
- Where were they going?

To take back America and kill.

- Did they?
- Yes, lives were lost.

"Hello, I am Benjamin Franklin.

"Back then, there was
really no electricity.

- "Then one... " Oh.
- Matthew! Dinner!

- It's dinner time.
- Oh, I guess I should go.

No, no, wait, wait, wait!

Would you, um, like to stay for dinner?

And I figure once I do that
I can get my GED

and then Lance will be impressed
with how much I know

and with Matthew's help,
I think it'll work.

Anyone who's trying to better
themselves is okay by me.

- Well, thank you.
- And you will get your GED.

- I know you will.
- Oh, fingers crossed.

You know what you should do?

Throw a dinner party of your own.

- A dinner party.
- Yeah.

You can show off all your smarts.

So I can, like, bring things
out and just be like,

"Oh, hi, do you remember
what Truman said?"

And Lance is gonna be so impressed.

I can't thank you enough.

And you've got to give me these recipes,

and I even... I can't even believe,

like, all these things that you made.

Well, you ate a lot of it.

Yeah, I did. I burped a lot too.

[chuckles]

I'm known as the Queen of the Burps.

Hmm.

- Lance, guess what?
- Huh?

Tonight, we're having a dinner party.

- No, we're not.
- I invited all your friends.

Jarvis is coming. Jenna's coming.

You're already embarrassing
me a little bit.

Cocktails are at 7:30, and
dinner starts promptly at 8:00.

- Don't be late.
- Okay.

"Hearts of... " Heart?

[swing music]

Hey, um, Nina?

I just thought I wanted to give
you something before I went.

Matthew, that's so nice.
You didn't have to do that.

You've been working so hard,

I thought you deserved something.

[gasps] What is this?

It's a dictionary, basically
every single word

in the English language.

It's got every single word.

Like, uh, "cabinet," or... "Carmine.

Red or purplish-red."

Matthew, this is so thoughtful of you.

You're the nicest ever.

Yeah, I thought this could
help you with the dinner party.

They probably know some big words.

Now you can show them
some big words too.

Good luck with the dinner
party, by the way.

All right.

[jazz music]

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- [harp music]
- Okay, everyone.

That concludes our cocktail hour.

Please join me
in the dining room for dinner.

- Nina?
- Bring your drinks.

Magnificent.

We are in the provenance
of a delightful meal.

Indeed.

Well, I've been reading a whole lot.

A lot of books on my nightstand.

- That's great, Nina.
- Terrific.

What have you been reading?

- "Where the Red Fern Grows."
- Mmm.

Cried throughout that whole thing.

I was really crying.

I'm in the middle of, um,
"A Wrinkle In Time."

"A Wrinkle In Time"... I think
I read that in sixth grade.

- Yeah, yeah, me too.
- Yeah.

Yeah, uh, Madeline L'Engle, right?

- That's right.
- She was a real peacenik.

Yeah, a lot of people don't realize

how substantial her ouvre is.

- Hmm.
- Oh.

Well, her... her what?

- Her ouvre.
- Right.

Hey, I'm gonna get some pepper
for the caesar salad.

[fast, goofy sound effects]

[muttering]

[fast, goofy sound effects]

Such a substantial body of work.

- Oh, Madeline L'Engle.
- Yeah.

Nina, the salad is wonderful.
It's so verdant.

- Mmm.
- What... what... what is it?

It's delicious and verdant.

Oh, verdant, yeah. Um, anyone want wine?

[fast, goofy sound effects]

Oh, sh... oh!

- [wine bottle crashes]
- Ow!

- Okay, Nina?
- Yes.

- [glass crunching]
- [gasps]

Yes, I agree, because

that's green, and this is green,

and this is green and this is
green, which mean "verdant."

While you were out, I was
talking about millennials,

and I don't hate them, I just
wonder if every generation

seems to be more solipsistic
than the next one.

- Mm. Mm-hmm.
- What do you think of that?

Well, the... solipsistic,
it's like they're...

You know, they're with their sisters.

You're saying that people
who are solipsistic

are with their sisters?

Yeah, at least the "sist."

If they're solemn, you know...
they're... they're... they're...

If they solemnly swear to
uphold the laws of the land...

Do you not know the meaning of the word?

- "Sol" is like salt."
- No.

- Millennials are solipsistic.
- I know millennials are.

Well, I'm not saying that they're salty.

It's all right if you don't know
what the meaning of the word is.

I understand it's a...
it's a rather abstruse term.

Oh, come on!

Every word is just more
difficult than the next one.

Why does dinner have
to be a crossword puzzle?

That I'll never get?

- Nina, I apologize...
- No, I apologize.

I didn't finish high school.
I didn't go to college.

I'm sorry I'm not like you.
And I'm sorry, Lance.

I'm trying my best not to embarrass you.

You know how far I got on that book

that I was telling you about?

Page two.

And that was hard for me.

I've been studying
and cramming, and like...

I'm trying to remember
fractions and, like,

the capitals of every state,
and, uh, it's just impossible!

Dessert's in the kitchen
if you want that.

Okay, there's a word I know, "dessert."

Two syllables. 'Night, Lance.

[chair falls over]

[muttering angrily]

[door slams loudly]

[sighs]

- I apologize.
- No, I'm sorry, I don't...

I don't... I don't know what
she's talking about, these...

Numbers and state capitals?
She's, like, studying?

Ah, is it possible
she's having an affair?

[dramatic music]

Matthew! Wake up!

Even though it was
kind of a mess, I mean,

you would think that, like,
Lance would appreciate it.

Just say, like, "Oh, Nina,
you really tried your best."

Or like, "Wow, you're making an effort."

Well...

- Do you like dancing?
- Yeah, I like dancing a lot.

- What kind of dancing?
- You know, this.

- [giggles]
- Like, this kind of thing,

and I like, this, um... sometimes
that kind of dance move.

- Kind of like sock hop?
- Yeah, yeah!

Like the kind that would
be at a sock hop, yeah.

That's ironic, because
my middle school ball

has a sock hop theme,
so that's kind of cool.

I don't really want to go,
but everyone's going

and I don't want to be left alone,

so maybe you can just come with me,

and we can talk, something like that.

Are you gonna ask me to your dance?

Yes. Maybe. Uh, yeah, maybe.

Matthew, if you're gonna
ask a girl to a dance,

you've got to do it the right way.

Nina, will you go to
my sixth grade ball with me?

Matthew, I would love to go.

[laughing] Sweet.

[giggles]

Oh, good. Hey, Nina, could we talk?

Uh, okay.

Uh, what is going on?

You just seem... you've been weird.

The dinner party was weird.

Uh, seemed fine to me.
I really liked it.

It was really delicious, wasn't it?

Yeah, but you stormed out of the party.

Oh, I did? Okay, I'm sorry.

It won't happen again.

Are you putting lipstick on?
Where are you going?

Um, just to look at some
of the buildings and stuff.

Okay, that doesn't make any sense.

I'll be back in a couple hours,

so we can talk then, okay, Lance?

- Bye.
- Bye.

[tense music]

[sighs]

Sock hop?

['50s rock plays]

- You want to dance?
- Uh, yeah, um...

Maybe we could stay here.

- This is fun.
- Oh, Matthew.

Thanks for inviting me to this.

- Hey, no problem.
- Want to get me some punch?

Sure.

Nina! What are you doing here?

I'm just hanging out with Matthew.

- Who's Matthew?
- He's my friend.

I mean, you're hanging out
with Jarvis all the time,

so I have a friend too.

Oh, thanks. Is that punch?

Lance, I'd like to
introduce you to Matthew.

- Matthew, this is Lance.
- Matthew.

[dramatic musical flourish]

- I'm Lance.
- Matthew.

Nice grip.

- What is he, 11?
- I'm 12, actually.

Oh, he's pretty smart. He knows a lot.

I skipped a grade.

I'm on my sixth grade chess team,

and the debate team.

Come on, Nina. I get the point, okay?

Let's get out of here.

I think I'm happy here.

Tonight, Nina is my date,
so you'd better go home

before things get ugly.

What if I don't want to go home?

I'll curl up these five fingers,

and give you a knuckle sandwich.

[suspenseful music]

Go on.

[both grunting]

Aah, that's my kidney!

They're fighting over me.

- [both grunting]
- They're fighting over me.

- [choking]
- Uncle?

Uncle!

This isn't over!

What's everybody looking at?
Just... dance.

['50s slow dance song]

- [ah-oo-gah horn]
- Hey!

What are you doing, Matthew?

- I'm a married woman!
- [stammers]

S-sorry!

- [school bell rings]
- [kids talking and laughing]

['50s slow dance song]

[both mouthing words]

[sighs nervously]

- Hey, baby.
- Hi.

- These are beautiful.
- Where's Matthew?

- He had a piano lesson.
- I want to tell you I'm sorry.

I've been a jerk.

You know, I kind of got mixed up
with a bad crowd.

I mean, I like those people,
but I love you.

You're smart and you're beautiful

and most importantly, you're kind.

You don't have to go
take a GED test for me.

Well, I kind of did it for me.

What do you say we get out of here?

[snorts loudly] Yeah, that sounds good.

- You hungry?
- I'm starving.

- I'm starving.
- Want to chow you down.

I want to tear you open
like a bag of chips.

Make you into a blender
and put you in a smoothie.

[growls suggestively] Let's go.

All right, smarty pants.

Who's the 16th president
of the United States?

There were 16 presidents?

[upbeat music]

I'd like to get you on this chair.

[huffs] Doctor.

- No, I don't mean it that way.
- Oh.

I mean so I can look down your top.

- Doctor!
- No, I don't mean it that way.

I mean, so I can see your nipples.

- Doctor!
- No, I don't mean it that way.

No, I mean it in the medical way.

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