All language subtitles for Portlandia s06e01 Pickathon.eng

[chuckles]
Remember last night

when we had pizza
at that art gallery?

It was so fun.

- That was two nights ago.
- No.

Yeah, we had pizza
with Kyle,

and then we went
to Brandon's art opening.

Okay, then what did we do
last night, then?

Last night,
we went to Janet's.

We had Indian food.

And then Lisa came over
and showed us her tattoo.

Right. Okay.

This is gonna sound crazy.

What did we do tonight?

I don't remember.

When did Jimmy
get back from Europe?

Two years ago?

How crazy was that?

He seems happy.

When was his wedding?

That was last summer.

No, this summer.

[gasps]
No, three summers ago.

No.

- This winter.
- This winter.

It was freezing.

When was Christmas?

They didn't do it.

So Brandon
had his art opening.

That sucked.

No, no, no,
you're confusing that

with Ronaldo's art opening
that we went to

about a year ago...

Right.

At that gallery,
and you really hated it.

Because there was
nothing there.

Yeah, it was
very conceptual.

Hope I don't miss it.

Well, you won't
because you already went.

Time is just all
blending in together.

It is for me too.

But it's all right.

I think this is what happens.

All right, well,
good night, Carrie.

Good night, Fred.

Slept like a ton of bricks.

[screams]

[glass shatters]

[screams]

[whimpers]

- [screams]
- [glass shatters]

[Washed Out's
"Feel It All Around" playing]

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

I-I'm sorry for screaming.

I--

I was just kind of horrified.

Well, I'm horrified too.

Look at this.

Look.

I know; the grays came in
all at once.

What am I, Old Man Winter?

Must have been some kind
of a mistake.

I'm sure about it.

It just doesn't make any sense.

Fred, it makes sense that

you would go gray
at your age.

What do you mean,
"my age"?

How old are you?

Well, let's figure it out.

Um, high school,
that's, like, 18.

College, 22.

Um, played music,
and I stopped playing music.

So I met you-- 32?

Fred.

What? I'm not 32?

No.

I'm very 32.

You're not.

How old do I look if I just
pass by you really fast?

If I-- if I'm like this.

Um, 44?

Like, about to turn 45?

This is horrifying.

You know, I needed
some warnings for this.

Wasn't your 40th birthday
a warning?

No, something physical,
something like, you know,

a bum knee or just like--

you have to, like--
it has to be gradual.

Well, how old
does it say you are

on your driver's license?

I don't know;
there's--

there was a number on there,
but I scratched it out.

It was, like,
too upsetting.

There's a way to verify
your age.

There has to be.

Okay, Mom, how old am I?

You, you're my sweet
baby boy.

- Mm...
- Love you forever.

Love you forever.

Okay, what year
was Fred born in, though?

Oh, it feels like
it was just yesterday.

But technically,
it wasn't yesterday.

Was it yesterday?

It feels like it.

December 4th.

You were an early
winter solstice gift.

- That's right.
- Yes, you were.

What year?

- And you loved horsies.
- I really did.

You did,
especially palominos.

Really?
Now, see, I don't remember that.

You were. You were.

- I liked palominos, huh?
- Hey, guys?

You did.

He seems to be an adult
that doesn't know how old he is.

I mean, that reflects a little
bit poorly of you as a mom.

Are you saying
I'm a bad mother?

No, no, no,
she's not saying that.

Oh, remember I took you
to that Fleetwood Mac concert?

- That's right.
- That's right.

Oh, okay.
What album?

- When was that?
- "Rumours."

- 1977.
- 1977.

What a great album.
What a great tour, I bet.

Is it-- How old were you?

I had such a good t--
My first concert

was when I was ten.

Ten years old, yes.

So wait, if your first concert
was when you were 10

and your first concert
was in 1977, you're 48.

48?

Well, I am barely 48.

That's physically impossible
if you're Fred's biological mom.

Are you sure you're not
skipping the '80s?

You should be happy.
This explains everything.

You're 48 years old.
That's why you're gray.

Your gray hair looks
so nice on you.

Shut up, Mom.
Why don't you go gray?

Freddie!

I need proof, Carrie.

I need, like, visual evidence

that I'm this age.

Where are all my photos?

Everything on my phone
is only for, like,

the last year.

Mm-hmm.

And then everything
on my laptop

is, like, only the last,
like, couple years.

I need to see evidence
of that last 18 years.

I know it's in here somewhere.

I feel like I'm, like,
Rip Van Winkle

and I just woke up.

You're not Rip Van Winkle,
and also,

you haven't been sleeping.

I know I have
some photos in here.

Okay.

This is honestly--

It's gonna take--

2002, ha-ha!

I feel like you're really
going down, like,

a real nostalgia hole
right now.

Look, finally.

All my disks are in here.

But I need the key for this.

Do you have it?

Is there a key holder somewhere?

Fred, please just put stuff
on the iCloud.

But I have it all
scattered across all this stuff.

Hey, do you know if, like,
a Jaz drive

can hold a zip disk?

I would say no.

It doesn't.

I-I just don't understand.

Like, a picture is not gonna
be the thing

that's gonna help you
feel the passage of time.

Okay, I need more of these
stickers so I can label these.

You just did the old man
glasses thing.

No, I didn't; I just
can't read it without this.

Let's do this.

Let's-- let's open these all up,
and let's--

[phone chimes]

Did you get this text
from the mayor that says,

"Come meet me at my office"?

No. Ooh, maybe he
has a crush on you.

No, he doesn't.

Oh, my God,
remember this?

Happy birthday!

[humming]

- Hello?
- Hey!

Hey, you look great.

Well-- am I supposed
to be here?

Yes!
Come in. Come in.

Yeah.
You're wearing a robe.

Yeah, sit down.
Don't you remember?

Mm-mm.

Well, let me
refresh your memory.

Okay.

Five years ago today,
you and I,

Carrie y Mayor,
made a deal.

It's pretty cool
they're serving pizza

at an art gallery.

Right?
It's really good.

Yeah, it's kind of
kids' food.

- It is kids' food.
- Yeah.

Are you thinking
about having kids?

I mean, uh, sure,
yeah, you know,

if I was with the right person.

Well, listen, five years,
if you haven't found anybody,

um, let's get together,
and we'll have a baby.

[laughter]

- Wow, okay.
- Sure.

- Yeah.
- Okay, see you in five years.

That was just a silly little,
like, "ha-ha."

You know, small talk.

Now I feel bad.
I thought it was real.

People make
these kind of vague

future romance pacts
all the time.

It's just a way of putting off,
like, a bad sex idea,

like, indefinitely.

So how many kids
do you have?

- None, 'cause just--
- Well, now's the chance.

In fact, I have right here
a canister of prime,

Grade A...

- Is that your sperm?
- Yes.

You just keep that here
in the office?

Every mayor does.

Every mayor has a canister
of sperm in a beer fridge

behind their desk.

What about female mayors?

They don't have sperm.

This is very embarrassing.

No, it's not.
It's perfect.

- This is weird. This is weird.
- I know it's a little weird.

It's something I have
to kind of chew over.

Speaking of chewing,
I opened a tin

of celebratory gum.

12 bucks, so you know
it's gonna be good, right?

I mean,
I'm a little offended

you didn't just go
for a champagne.

This is better
than a champagne.

It's $12 gum.

You're gonna love this, Carrie.

Mmm, that is so tasty.

It's just gum.

Mmm.
Take all the time you need.

- Okay. It's just--
- I know it's a big decision.

But don't think of it
as having my baby.

Think of it
as having your baby.

Right, but that's
your sperm, right?

Yeah.
Mmm.

Well, thanks; I'll, you know,
give it some thought.

Okay.

Hey, can't wait
to have a lot

of little Carries
running around, huh?

[intense music]

I'm not homeless.
I'm sentimental.

Hello?

- Hello?
- Hello!

Hi, how are you?

- Um, I have--
- I'm good.

- So I have all this stuff.
- Mm-hmm.

And all my photos
and everything are on there

and, like, all these devices,
this hard drive.

And I just want to, like,
put it all in one place.

Ah, okay, yeah,
you want the cloud.

Yeah.

I can move everything
to the cloud.

Thank you.

All of your stuff
will be in one place...

- Thank you.
- For six months.

And what happens
after that?

The river.

What is the river?

The river is just like
the cloud,

except they're not
compatible in any way.

Right.

If you try to move a file

from the cloud to the river,

the file will get
destroyed immediately,

and your keyboard
will get really hot.

- So I don't want that.
- I've tried the river.

And?

Yes?

Yeah.

What?

There is still
a few bugs in it.

All I want-- I need evidence
of my life.

How old do you think I am?

67.

68?

This is the problem, okay?

I'm practically a teenager.

Oh, are you familiar
with the concept of entropy?

Vaguely.

Entropy is the idea
that everything

is sort of descending
into chaos and disorder.

Aging, forgetting, rotting,
that's all entropy.

Even if we're all decaying,
I still want something

somewhat permanent that I can,
in my lifetime, enjoy.

Well, I'm saying
nothing is permanent

because of entropy.

Would you like to stop entropy?

Yeah.

Well, then you must
stop time itself.

Okay, is there a way
we can arrange to stop time?

I'm not that special
a specialist.

Is there some kind
of a super specialist?

Matt, Mike,
is the astrophysicist

off his lunch break?

So you're the manager here?

I'm an astrophysicist,
if that's what you mean.

Okay, let me tell you
what the problem is.

I'm basically 32, okay?

I'm into music.
I walk around.

Have a cup of coffee,
you know, like,

wear, like, cool clothes,
got a little shirt,

you know, little black pants.

And then you guys
come in going,

"No, uh, there's been a mistake;
you're 48."

"Us guys," do you mean
the science community because--

Yeah, you guys messed up.

And when that happens,
you should own up to it

and fix it.

I don't know
what I can do for you.

We can't make time
go backwards.

That's not something
that happens.

Your passage of time
explanation,

it isn't applying to me.

- Uh, it applies to everyone.
- It's false advertising.

- It applies to everyone.
- It's false advertising.

- I don't see how--
- It's false advertising.

I mean, say it.

That's-- that's what it is.

I don't see
how it's false advertising.

So if Hershey chocolate says,

"We've got this great
chocolate bar,"

and all of a sudden,
you open it up,

and it's yogurt,
what is that?

It's false...

Advertising.

Do you turn away people
when they complain?

Generally, we try
and hear people out

if they have an alternate
scientific theory.

Okay,
my scientific theory is--

the o-opposite one
I'd like to offer you is,

give me my money back.

This isn't
a retail transaction.

This is science.

I'm not gonna leave.

Okay, you have to do something.

I can't change
the laws of physics.

Is there a black hole?

Can you find a black hole
for me?

I beg your pardon?

I've seen "Interstellar."
I've seen movies.

And certainly, you have it
within your power

as a manager to get me
a black hole.

[sighs]

Was that so hard?

You know, you're lucky
I'm not my dad.

He'd have his finger
in your face.

Okay, so you
are thinking

about having a child.

Yeah, I mean,

I'm in the very early stages
of considering it.

Still on the fence.

Well, let's take a look
at the chart

and see what the chart says
about your fence.

And according to this,
you're a couple years away

from being an old spinster.

Okay, so if I don't
have a kid,

then I'm just an old spinster?

That's what it says
right here.

It says,
"couple years away

from being an old spinster."

That's not on the form.

No, that's not on the form.

But these are the terms
people use.

I don't make them up.

I guess I think that there

should be more positive terms.

Is there one?

- Sad woman.
- No.

- Sad neighbor.
- No.

The lady who went to Peru

with Gail three years ago?

Why can't I just be
Gail's friend?

I don't see that
catching on.

I mean, who's Gail?

And actually, if anything,

you want to get to know Gail

and not her friend.

You know what?
I prefer old slut.

Why don't people just
call me old slut?

Hey, don't be so hard
on yourself.

You're an old spinster.
Let's leave it at that, huh?

All right, let's take a look
at the old ticker.

I thought that's the heart,
the ticker.

Uh, well, let's call it
the tinkler.

[laughs]

Whoa, it's deserted in here.

It's like an old folks' home.

"Hey, nobody comes
and visits me!

I'm lonely!"

Spiderwebs.

Hey, Janine, can we get
some new spiderwebs?

These are clumping.

Uh, whoa,
is that Walt Disney?

Hello, sir!

I see they're keeping you
nice and cold.

[laughs]

'Cause he's said
to have been frozen.

You know, I'm saying your cooch
is kind of cold.

Is there a female OB-GYN?

There are female OB-GYNs,
but I can tell you this

right now-- and I'm gonna
get in a lot of trouble;

I can promise you that--
but they're not funny.

Your uterine lining
has deteriorated 40%.

Loss of tissue,
narrowing of fallopian tubes...

- Okay, I get it.
- Decrease of estrogen--

I-I get it.
You know what?

I actually prefer
the cartoon doctor.

Spooky!

Ooh, is that a bat?
[chuckles]

It's not a bat,
because it's a spider,

because I don't know where
the new girl puts the bats.

We used to have bats!

Anyway, listen,
I think you look good.

If you, uh, want to pop out
a Goonie or two

out of this old pirate's cove,
I think you've got time.

Oh, you're actually
being serious?

Okay, look,
we've had some fun.

We had some laughs.

Uh, I know you had
a great time.

For me, yeah,
it's been a hoot.

But I think, at the end,
we kind of surprised

both of ourselves
by getting at something real.

I want to see you go out there
and make a life for yourself.

Get a baby inside you, huh?

I'm fine.

I went into this business
not just to make money.

I went in this business
to meet women.

[sighs]

Get out of here,
you old slut.

What do you guys think
of the mayor?

Well, I voted for him twice.

I meant it more like,
what do you think

of him as a man,
as a partner?

- Really?
- Yes.

- Okay.
- Wow.

He wants to have a baby
with me.

And I do want to have a kid.

And you're actually
thinking about this.

Absolutely.
Is that crazy?

I would take his sperm,

and I already have
a husband and children.

I would also take his sperm.

Right, through
a turkey baster; you're not--

Well, I was sort of saying
I would sleep with him,

actually, yeah,
even though I'm married.

You know,
you're gonna get fat.

- You mean pregnant.
- That is fat. That is fat.

My arms used to look
like my wrists.

Your ass doesn't grow out.
It grows to the side.

But not in a fun way.

I will say this-- my boobs
have never looked better.

My boobs sagged a bunch.

Yeah, well--

Is there anybody else
on the table?

I mean, have you considered
anyone else?

That's exactly
what I'm thinking.

I guess there's friends
that I'm closer to

that I haven't really
considered.

Look, there are different
kinds of qualities in life.

You know, you have, of course,
money, success.

And then you have
other things--

compassion,
friendship, kindness...

Well, what about that--
what about

the guy you live with,
the little cute--

Oh, yeah, with the glasses.

Well, that might be weird,

because we know each other
so well.

- Frank.
- Frank.

- It's not Frank.
- How tall is Frank?

5...

[groans]

If she said 5'11",
I would've been like meh-meh.

You know, we all have
our flaws, Carrie, but--

I mean, really,
if you're not--

how's your baby gonna model?

I mean, miniature stuff maybe,
but that's about it.

I guess I wasn't hoping
that my kid would be a model.

Maybe you're not ready
to be a mother.

I'm excited for you.

For the first time in my life,
I feel like you're really

gonna make something
of yourself.

And, Carrie, darn it,
I'm proud of you.

What sort of a theme
should we do

for the baby shower?

Winnie the Pooh.

[dramatic music]

_

[muffled breathing]

No!

No!
I changed my mind!

Carrie, don't forget about me.

[electronic beeping,
whooshing]

Wow, look at all these photos.

[chuckles]

- Hey, little Freddie.
- Uncle Manuel, hi.

What seems to be
the problem?

Well, my hair went gray.
I panicked.

And now I'm in this black hole.

Oh, yeah, my hair
went gray at 33.

- It did?
- Yeah.

But I didn't jump
into a black hole.

Just dyed my hair
and moved on.

Really?
You dyed your hair?

Oh, yeah, it really
sets the clock back.

Okay.
Well, it's nice to see you.

Nice to see you.
Say hi to your mom.

Good luck, Freddie.

Hey, Doctor!

Mr. Scientist.

- Yes?
- Can you get me out of here?

Well, scientifically,
that's impossible.

But then again,
none of this makes any sense.

So...

I figured out all I have
to do is dye my hair.

Dyeing your hair
isn't really significant.

You really need to do something
worthwhile with your life,

you want to really change.

[electronic beeping,
whooshing]

[echoing]
Worthwhile.

I got to do something
with my life.

Hi.

It's nice out, huh?

House is looking good.

[tender music]

- Hey.
- Hey.

So I have some
pretty big news to tell you.

Well, I've got
some pretty big news too.

What?

Well, I've been thinking
about my life,

and I worry that I've
wasted a lot of time,

so I thought
that one thing I could do--

Fred,

do you want to have
a baby with me?

Yeah.

Great.

When do you want
to do it?

Right now.

- Up we go?
- Yeah, let's do it.

Great, okay.
Let me get this off, and then--

Okay.

I get to see you naked.

I know.
Have you seen my penis before?

I think there's
a bat in here, literally.

I-I'd like a new--
not literally.

Clitorally.

Is there another doctor?

Uh, I really wouldn't
recommend it.

His name's Herb Spiderman.

- He was in there.
- Nurse!

Okay, well,
let me make a call,

because I just found
a cell phone from 1993.

This was before vibrate.

I don't even know
what it was doing up there.

I'm naughty.
I'm a naughty gyno.

I'm gonna lose my job.

[dramatic music]

- This is it.
- We're having sex.

You made him mad,
didn't you?

- Are you Carrie?
- Yeah.

Hi.

[indistinct]
...Frankie Armistein.

I want you to take
good care of him, okay?

Get on the boat.

Hey, get back here!

Hi, two tickets
to "Mum," please.

I've had enough.

[squawking]

Well, it sounds like you two
have been on quite an adventure.

[dramatic music]

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0