All language subtitles for John and Mary (1969)

[ Clock Ticking ]

[ Moans ]

[ Breathing Soundly ]

[ Sirens In Distance ]

[ Feigning Breathing Soundly ]

[ Quietly ]
Good morning.

[ Shutter Clatters ]

[ People Chattering ]

- [ Chattering Continues ]
-♫ [ Accordion ]

[ Man ]
Well, no, I use it strictly for the summer.

[ Chattering Continues ]

[ Woman Laughing ]

[ Man ] Absolutely. I says to him,
"Listen. If you do it,you do it right.

If you don't do it,
you don't do it at all. '"

Man! I never come in here.

I tell you, actresses,
models, airline stewardesses-

the whole scene.

And all of'em after
just one thing.

My experience is most of'em
are after a large steak and french fries.

Your experience.
Well, pardon me, pal...

but that's your experience,
isn't it?

- Stanley, I'm going home.
- Come on.Just stay for a while.

Have one more beer.
This may be your night.

Hey, Charlie! Excuse me.

Charlie!
[ Whistles ]

What happens after one more beer?
We both get raped?

- [ Woman Laughs ]
- You're not jokin', man.

I'm tellin' you,
this is the place.

Here, Charlie.
Two of the same, huh?

Hello there. How are you?

The fact is that you could get raped here,
and no one would know the difference.

The subway with booze.

A paradise for bachelors.

You're serious.
You're really serious.

You think all you have to do is stand there
in your gold-buttoned blazer...

and your Old Teak aftershave lotion
and- right?

Right! I'm tellin' ya, there isn't
anything here you couldn't get...

- with one small sherry.
- [ Man ] Two Danish beers.

- Here's your change.
- Put that on the bar, will ya?

Oh! Listen, thank you very much.

Would you excuse me, please?

- Hi. My name is Stanley.
- I'm Fran.

Hi, Fran. How are ya?

- Isn't this a groovy place?
- Up until now, I think it was kind of dull.

Oh, really?

Man, haven't you got
friends here or something?

Fran, you got an apartment?

One room on 64th Street.
I share it with my girlfriend.

She doesn't work nights,
does she, huh?

[ Women Giggling ]

[ Man ] Whatever type of person
made that movie must be sick in the head.

Ten miles of traffic jams and human beings
eating each other in the bushes?

- He must be sick.
- Maybe we're sick. Does that occur to you?

No, it doesn't.
It doesn't occur to me at all.

- You blow your mind in traffic.
- All right.

So I blow my mind in traffic,
but I don't eat my girlfriend.

- I should be so lucky.
- You know what I mean.

I like a movie that has
a beginning, a middle and an end-

And in that order,
so that you can follow it.

- It's meant to be symbolic, Dean.
- Pardon me?

- I said it's meant to be symbolic.
- Symbolic.

That's right. That's exactly
what it was meant to be.

- I beg your pardon?
- I saw that movie at the film festival.

I thought it was totally symbolic
of our materialistic age.

Yeah. That's right.
That's exactly what it was.

- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.

- Someone you know?
- No, we just happen to like the same movies.

- Can I buy you all a drink?
- Yes, you can.

- I'll take a double Chivas Regal.
- Right.

One double Chivas Regal,
one vodka tonic...

uh, two dry French white wines.

And a Mich- a Michelob.

- Can I help you?
- Oh. Thanks.

Isn't that your friend?

I'm, uh, glad
you liked that movie.

I didn't.

- Really?
- Not much.

I just didn't like him
not liking it.

Oh. I see.

Well, uh...

what did you say
your name was?

I didn't say.
What's yours?

Here you go, Murph. 6.45.

[ Shower Running ]

[ Shower Stops ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Children Chattering ]

[ Whirring ]

- You sleep well?
- Uh, what there was of it.

- I didn't wake you, did I?
- No, you didn't wake me.

- You folded all my clothes.
- Oh! You left them on the dloor.

That's where
I keep my things mostly.

[ Sighs ]

- I slept great.
- I noticed.

I feel great.
Do you feel great?

Yeah. I feel fine.

- Good God. 1 0:00.
- Oh.

- Do you want anything before you go?
- Like what?

- Like a bath, uh-
- Sure. Thanks.

Before you rush off.

[ Door Closes ]

[ Thinking ]
Just like cats-

sniffing around before
they decide to bed down...

for the rest of their natural lives.

The point is,
has she found the spare room?

Hmm. A spare room gives them ideas.

Gradual infiltration.

This is the moment
that calls for extreme caution.

Extreme caution.

♫ [ Vocalizing ]

♫ [ Humming ]

I, uh, suppose you haven't
got time for breakfast?

Hmm? Do you want me
to make it?

- What? No. I'll-
- Do you want me-

I'll do it.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Kettle Whistling ]

You've got a lot of room here.

[ Thinking ]
Is your wife away for the weekend?

I like a lot of room.

[ Thinking ]
So you found the spare room.

Everything is so tidy.

Our kitchen
always looks like a battlefield.

[ Thinking ]
Maybe his wife left him.

[ Thinking ]
Who do you live with? Husband? Boyfriend?

I hope you like your egg.

It's great.
[ Thinking ] You want me to stay.

It's a farmer's egg.

Where do you get farmers' eggs?

- I buy them.
- From a farmer?

No, at a store.

You can if you make
a point of it.

- I mean, it's worth taking a little trouble.
- Yeah. I guess so.

The chicken that laid
that egg, uh...

ate only what nature provided it.
It's organic.

That's a good thing?
[ Thinking ] Must be some sort of health food nut.

Myself, I just rush
into the supermarket and buy...

pre-fabricated, synthetic-
any kind of stuff.

Plastic eggs laid by computers,
as far as I'm concerned.

- Coffee?
- Thank you.

- Uh, cream and sugar.
- Oh.

An egg's not what
you usually have, is it?

Well, uh, it all depends-
[ Thinking ] on who I wake up with.

[ Thinking ]
Depends on who you wake up with.

Hmm.

- Coffee's delicious.
- [ Thinking ] Do you always jump into bed...

the first time you meet someone?

In this country, the, uh-
[ Laughs ]

The artificial hormones
in the, uh...

chicken food are having a disturbing effect
on the adult male population.

- No kidding?
- Mmm.

[ Thinking ]
I think I'll leave after breakfast.

Well, to tell you the truth,
most of the time, I don't have anything at all.

[ Thinking ]
He's congratulating himself.

What did you say?

- Nothing.
- [ Thinking ]
I played my cards very cleverly last night.

[ Thinking ]
He is congratulating himself.

- ♫ [ Singing Birthday Song ]
- It's not your birthday, by any chance, is it?

- ♫ [ Singing Continues ]
- What?

I said, it's not your birthday,
by any chance, is it?

- No, I'm an Aquarius.
-♫ [ Singing Ends ]

♫ [ Background: Pop ]

- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.

Does that mean it is
or it isn't?

- What?
- Your birthday.

Don't you know?

What do you mean?
No, I-I-I don't, uh, read those things.

- You don't?
- No.

No, I figure life's hard enough
without worrying...

if my star got mixed up
in the path of Leo...

and Tuesday would be a bad day
to rob the Chase Manhattan Bank.

[ Giggles ]
Yeah. I can see you're a Leo.

- You look like a Leo.
- No, I'm Taurus. Taurus, the bank robber.

[ Laughs ]

- Listen, if you wanna get back to your friends-
- No, no. I'm fine.

'Cause I really didn't mean
to interrupt anything.

- I was just bored.
- No. We just went to the film together.

I see.

♫ [ Ends ]

Is that what you do mostly?

People, uh, take me, uh, places...

- ♫ [ Psychedelic Pop ]
- when they- they feel I need educating.

You seem very...

- intelligent.
- Well, I'm educated.

- [ Woman Laughing ]
- Last- Last week,
we went to the Participating Theater.

- I'm sorry?
- The Participating Theater.

- What's that?
- Uh-

The audience is part of the show.

- ♫ [ Man Singing, Indistinct ]
- Everybody has to get into the act.

- What is it like?
- Halfway through the show...

they turn off the lights
and you get groped by the actors.

- Oh.
- [ Giggles ]

- Don't you resent that?
- Not entirely.

- Pardon me?
- Not entirely.

Uh, hey, look, we're going.
Dean has an early class tomorrow.

Pity we didn't get a chance
to see more of you.

Dean's gonna drop me off.
What about you?

- Well, good night.
- It would be no trouble for Dean at all.

- It would be a pleasure.
- I, uh-

I think I might as well
stay on a while longer.

I see.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Oh, wow. Thank you.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Good night.

Ooh.

I- " I see.''
What did she say " I see'' for?

What did she see?

♫ [ Continues ]

[ Him ]
When did you make up your mind? Exactly.

[ Her ] If you say
you'll go listen to somebody's records...

- deal's on.
- Some girls wouldn't agree with you.

Haven't had many
the first time, huh?

I wouldn't know about that.

Do you, uh, think you'd have
appreciated me more if I'd, um...

cost you three dinners at Caravelle?

[ Laughs ] No, I'm sor-
Girls are different. That's all.

You mean, um, the nice ones
take three weeks or so.

I suppose.

Uh, two weeks on the average.

And how long do they last
on the average?

- Have some more coffee?
- No, thank you.

I don't collect them, if that's
what you're thinking, like stamps.

- Oh, really?
- I suppose you've had dozens.

Dozens of what?

Dozens of men.

Why did you say that?

- It's just something a person likes to know.
- Do they?

[ Laughs ] No, all I mean is that a girl-
a woman- could've had...

dozens of men
and, well, still be okay.

- That's very nice of you.
- [ Laughs ] Very few, uh...

and- and still be a-

- A whore?
- No, I wouldn't say that.

I was just trying
to get to know you.

Well, you haven't made
a bad start.

No, I mean,
to know more about you.

- I mean, why did you?
- Why did you?

- That's different.
- Is it?

- Yes.
- I just, uh, thought it might be fun.

- I thought I might enjoy it.
- Did you?

I, uh, didn't see much
to worry about, no.

- You mean, I've got you worried?
- Yes, you have.

All that talk about
"natural-born eggs''-

Taste just the same as
any old artificial eggs anywhere.

And wanting to be told
I'd jump into bed with anybody...

just so's you wouldn't feel guilty
when your wife gets home on Monday.

- What are you talking about?
- I suppose you think I go
to that bar every Friday night...

huh,just to get laid?

Well, I want you to know that I've
never been in there in my life before.

It's just thatJane's boyfriend said,
"Let's go somewhere slightly different.''

That's all.
Sorry to disappoint you.

- I'm not really disappointed.
- There's something else you oughta get straight.

- What's that?
-Just for the record. I do say no occasionally.

[ Utensils Clatter ]

[ Sighs ]
Hey! Could you-

Hilary? Hi, it's me.

- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine, I guess.

- Where are you?
- Where am I? I don't know.

Listen, I'm coming home now.
I'll pick up the groceries-

eggs so stuffed full
of chemical hormones...

- there's a good chance we'll all change sex.
- What?

Never mind. See you later.

Bye.

Bonjour, darling.!
Up, up, up.

Up with the cornflakes.

Hold it.
¿Cómo está, papá?

- Papi, ya!
- Oh, for God's sake.

Ah! Bachelor girl home from a good night out
with all her goodies.

That's a great image,
I tell ya.

Une grande image.

- Mind your own business.
- Now, this house is my business.

I'm makin' a study of it in depth.

Are you totally ignorant
of cinéma vérité?

Cinéma vérité is just an excuse
to follow little girls into the ladies room.

- Can you do something with Andy?
- Tracey, good morning.

Cry, baby. That's a great image.
Une grande image.

Beautiful! Beautiful!

- [ Baby Crying ]
- Beautiful.! Beautiful.!

♫ [ Background: Rock ]

Hello!

You're not back?

- No, I'm away.
- I thought you were all settled for the weekend.

Bob called to say he's coming in
from Philadelphia tonight.

So the boss let him out to play.

That's not fair.

Doesn't anyone else care
about these turtles?

It's not Bob's fault Mr. Beagleman
wants to have him around all the time.

He doesn't have to marry the man,
does he?

Mr. Beagleman is grooming Bob
to take over the entire East Coast office.

Next week, he's loaning Bob
his executive jet to dly to Florida.

- No kidding?
- Mm-hmm.

- Do you get to go too?
- Well, no.

- Make Mr. Beagleman jealous?
- He's not even going.

Bob has to take this German client with a wife
who might not understand.

- That's too bad.
- Anyway, he'll be here tonight.

We had the greatest stroke ofluck.

- What's that?
- Somebody died in the New York office...

and Mr. Beagleman sent Bob
to represent him at the funeral.

He certainly gets picked
for all the best jobs.

- I wish you liked Bob.
- I like him. I like him fine.

I'd like him better
if he took you out once in a while...

and stopped using
this place as a hotel.

- Yeah.
- He hasn't got his promotion yet.

I wish to God he'd hurry up and get it
so's I could have a bed for the night.

Jane's going over to Dean's.

Please. Please.
[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

All right.

- Do you have to go now?
- I have to go now.

- Oh.
- Excuse me.

[ Clears Throat ] As a matter of fact,
that was a good way of putting it.

- Putting what?
-" I do say no occasionally.''

I like the way you said that.

- Thank you.
- As a matter of fact, I don't have one.

- You don't have one what?
- A wife or anything resembling.

I guess you jumped to that conclusion
because of the size of the apartment.

It's a converted attic.
It was originally an artist's studio.

You've, uh, fixed it up
all by yourself?

Well, a friend helped.
I'm still working on it.

- Hmm.
- Wait a minute!

I, uh, almost forgot
what we came for.

- To play a record.
- Oh, a record.

- We never did.
- No, we never did.

It's not a, uh, bad collection.

I usually play, uh,
classical in the afternoon...

and, uh,jazz in the evening.

- What do you play in the morning?
- Brass band music.

- [ Clicks ]
- Provided, of course, it's not raining.

Well, let's not break any rules.

♫ [ Brass Ensemble: Classical ]

[ Thinking ]
Smart move- extremely smart-

getting dressed, putting on her coat,
setting out for the front door.

Just the way
to get asked back in again.

I should've let her go on thinking
I had a wife.

She's at an advantage now-
distinct advantage.

In the end, she'll have to go,
like Ruth.

Come on.

- Come on. Get in there.
- [ Barks ]

♫ [ Classical Continues ]

Hey! Hold it!

[ Brakes Squeal ]

Over here. This side.

Don't worry, darling.
You were always the best.

[ Thinking ]
And then there was Annie.

Hi! You must come to dinner with us.
I've got the most groovy husband.

- ♫ [ Ends ]
- I don't wanna go to dinner
with your groovy husband.

You won't.
I don't have one.

- Does that go on on the other side?
- Right.

- I'll do it.
- I've never even thought about a husband.

- Pardon me, miss.
- Hmm?

- Oh!
- I am looking for a slightly used...

Amazonian blowgun.

- [ Laughs ]
- What's so funny about that?
They're difficult to get.

- I'll take it with or without darts.
- Um- [ Laughs ]

My own frayed dlower child.

We need all the dlower children
we can get these days.

Where else do you find people
who are honest, intelligent, concerned...

- unprejudiced-
- And on the pill.

- And a smart-ass.
- [ Laughs ]

How did you get away this time?

I volunteered to drive Stevie over
to get his haircut.

I just gave him 50 cents
to buy some candy.

You may never see him again.

[ Tapping ]

You should've given him a dollar.

- I'll talk to you soon.
- Hi, Dad.

- Hello. Did you get yourself something?
- Yeah.

- Huh?
- Oh, uh, sir.

The, uh, Amazon shipment
should be in by Friday, sir.

I'll keep your blowgun in mind.

You do that.
Uh, can I call ya about lunchtime?

- Yeah.
- Good.

- [ Stevie ] Why is she saying that?
- Why is she saying that?

Because I'm lookin'for somethin'. That's why.
Wanna get your haircut now?

[ Man ] You tell us that if we work
within the framework of the existing system...

that we will get what we want.

We work within that system,
and we get token concessions...

to pacify us, that do nothing
for what we want.

You are giving us tokenism.!
You are not giving us what we want.!

- We want what we want now!
- [ Clamoring, Applause ]

All right. Let me tell ya something.
The only way-

The only way to get things done...

to make them work
outside of a protest on a campus-

which does arouse us
to what the problems are about.

The way to get them done
is through political means...

and through a political party
that's responsive to you.

And I'm saying you have a responsibility
to do more than shout about what is wrong.

That is great. You've done that.
It's happened all over the world.

You saw how the black man
has waited...

to go through the appropriate legislation
or wait on your existing government, as you say.

Where would we have been?

Didn't we have to sit in?
Didn't we have to stand in?

Didn't we have to lay in?
Didn't we have to riot...

till city after city
after city was burned?

Do you know what
my stand is on Vietnam?

Do you know what my stand is
on the draft?

Do you know what my stand is
about the black revolution in this country?

- [ People Shouting ]
- All right. All right. If you know-

- If you know what it is-
- [ Man ] Let him say what he wants.

If you know what it is,
then you know that I do represent you...

that my ideas of what to do up there
in that so-called " sacred hall''...

come from you and from
your responsiveness to me...

and my responsiveness to you.

That's how a politician exists.

Let me just, uh,
briedly say that, uh...

it's been an exhilarating experience
for me being here today.

Uh, if there were
this kind of- of energy...

and this kind of concern-
deep concern-

going on in the state senate...

we would have solved a lot of the problems
of New York a long time ago.

Let me also say that
I know that many of you are disillusioned...

about what politicians- quote, unquote-
have made of this world.

And you have a right to be, but you also
have a tremendous responsibility...

to try to do something about it...

and you have an opportunity
to do something about it.

You have an opportunity to define
what American politics will be...

to define what a politician is...

and have those politicians responsive
to you and the kind of society you want.

And, in closing,
as I have to do...

let me just say
that in my opinion...

you have coined the great
motto of our time:

" Make love, not war.''

- Thank you.
- [ Cheering ]

[ Crowd Chanting ]
Peace! Peace! Peace!

Peace! Peace! Peace!

♫ [ Classical ]

[ Volume Decreases ]

We really don't know
anything about each other, do we?

I mean, as far as we're concerned,
we might be anybody.

I am anybody.

No. All I'm...
saying is that-

I already know about you.

I know that you cook breakfast
and wash up your own dishes.

And you can't ask me to stay
until you're quite sure...

I haven't asked
to be asked to stay.

- Is that all you know about me?
- [ Laughs ]

I know that I liked it with you.

Enough to do it again?

Uh, that's, uh-
That's not an invitation, is it?

That's a request for information.

I'll tell ya anything
you wanna know.

- Okay. Where do you live?
- Here.

- Where's " here''?
- Here. The West Side.

Riverside Drive.
Tell me about you.

Okay.

- What do you wanna know?
- What do you do?

- Exactly.
- Do- Oh, you mean work.

I work in a gallery
at the moment.

- Where exactly?
- Seventy-fifth, near Madison.

The Rassiga Gallery.
I'm surrounded by primitive gods.

- And where do you live?
- On the East Side. Murray Hill.

- Where exactly?
- Funky, four-story walk-up-

high ceilings, trees on the street.

We have a clock on the corner drugstore.
Stopped around about 1 930.

I'm always late for everything.

It's a very festive area.

Young men with poodles live there.

- Mmm.
- We get no more than one stabbing a week.

- Downstairs, we have our own
private movie director.
- A director?

He's making a true-life movie
about our house.

Do you spend a lot of time
with him?

Hours. He doesn't know half
what goes on in the house.

- I have to tell him.
- And you know everything?

I'm very inquisitive.
Haven't you noticed?

On the second floor,
there's these threeJapanese boys.

They're all brilliant.

They do all their dating by computer.
We spend a lot of time sewing on their buttons.

- We?
- Me and Hilary and Jane.

- You met them last night.
- Oh, of course.

- The other two girls.
- Right.
- [ Laughter]

You're very close to those two,
aren't you?

Oh,yeah. We tell each other
everything, practically.

No, I told him,
"Rub my stomach round and round...

and say, 'I love you. I love you.'''

And, oh, it was great.
So then I said, " Lower, lower.''

And he said,
[ Deepens Voice ] " I love you. I love you.''

[ Laughter]

♫ [ Classical Continues ]

You know much
about this music?

- Mmm, not much.
- George Frederic Handel.

Very clean kind of music.

It's all brass.

No strings cluttering up
the background.

♫ [ Humming Melody ]

Very practical guy, Handel.

I mean, give him a job like a trip up the river
or a fireworks party-

Hejust sat down
and wrote music for it.

- This particular one was written
for the king's fireworks-
-♫ [ Cymbals Clash ]

Pow.! Did you hear that?

Fireworks going off
on the other side of the river.

All those guys in powdered wigs
justjumping out of their britches.

Oh.!

♫ [ Vocalizing ]

Did you know that Handel
wrote three oboe trios...

when he was 1 1 years old?

I'm not kidding.

[ Laughs ]
I don't know what made me think of this...

but you know, if you stand
and suck a lemon in front of a brass band...

the music stops.
[ Laughs ]

I mean it. Well,you try
blowing a euphonium...

while someone is sucking
a lemon in front of you.

Can't be done.

You'd be foaming at the mouth.
[ Laughs ]

Sun's coming out.

[ Thinking ]
She wasn't listening.

[ Thinking ]
Now what have I done?

[ Thinking ] I was just presenting her
with a little knowledge.

[ Thinking ]
Actually, he was being a big brass band bore.

[ Thinking ]
She surrounds herself with all these types.

[ Thinking ] It's hard work
for something I don't really want perhaps.

[ Thinking ]
I wonder what she's thinking about.

That movie director?
[ Scoffs ]

- One of herJapanese friends.
-♫ [ Ends ]

[ Thinking ]
He's trying the oldest trick in the world-

just not trying.

I'm not totally uneducated,
you know.

I was boring you.

I didn't learn anything at school.

Who does, for God's sake?

- But men teach me things.
- I'm sure.

They explain all about
the electoral college...

and how to eat artichokes
without getting your mouth full of leaves.

Did your, uh, director friend
teach you that?

Everyone I know
teaches me things.

Oh, but he taught you something.!

- Quite a lot.
- Do you go to bed with him?

- You're assuming rights on me.
- Didn't you give me any?

- No.
- No?

No, what I gave you
didn't have any rights attached to it.

It was free.

Do you think we have
to pay for everything?

No, it's just that
for a relationship to matter-

A relationship-
is that what we're having?

Two people should make-

Well, I think
the whole business isn't much...

unless they do make
some sort of demands on each other.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

I'm sorry.

Are you sure
I know enough about you?

What do you wanna know?

- Um-
- Hmm?

What do you do?

Design furniture.

Did you design this,
by any chance?

- Don't you like it?
- Well, it could be more comfortable.

You didn't complain last night.

Why do you think
I wanted to move to the bed?

It's meant to be functional.

- Well, it worked, didn't it?
- Here.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

[ Sighs ]

- [ Ringing Continues ]
- Go on. Make some snappy patter.

- Hello.
- [ Woman ] Hi. It's me.

- I haven't seen you for months.
- Oh. Hello, Ruth.

- Who have you got there?
- Oh, it's, uh- It's just a friend.

Listen, I'm having a party tonight,
and I want you to come.

Tonight? Uh-

Well, I'm not, uh,
sure about tonight.

- Oh, come on. Try to make it.
- Where is it?

It's at 41 4 East 5 5th Street,
between Sutton and First.

Between Sutton and First?
That's a pretty classy address.

Are you getting married
or something?

- I forget when's your birthday.
- It's not my birthday, and I'm not pregnant.

It'll just be good to see you.
That's all.

Anyway, who knows
how the day will end?

Yes, I'll keep it in mind.

I miss you too.

I, uh- Oh, I'm, uh-

I'm not sure whether she-
[ Laughs ]

All right. I'll book that dlight.

Yes, it is lucky, darling.

Right. I'll see you there.

Thank you.

- Elizabeth?
- They're coming back a day early.

They, uh, wanna meet me
at the airport tomorrow morning.

No.

[ Sighs ]

I'll have to put you on the plane tonight
and catch the morning dlight out.

- I just thought of something.
- What?

- We can dly back together.
- Hmm?

- She has no idea what I look like, right?
- No.

So we can both stay till tomorrow.

We'll get off the plane,
and I'll be this perfect stranger.

I can vanish.

[ Woman On P.A.]
Attention, please.

[ Indistinct ]
...passenger of Flight 1 07 from London...

please contact
the main information desk.

- Attention, please-
- There he is!

[ Chattering ]

Hey!
[ Chattering ]

[ Glass Shatters ]

I'll try to. Yes, I will.

753-2099.

Right.

Yes, I-I- I'll try.

- Bye.
- Bye.

[ Thinking ]
I don't want any more to do with it-

not with jealousy, competition...

the sound of bugles when we're
all meant to line up for battle.

When the bugle blows,
I want to go home quietly.

Lock the door, take off the telephone.
Yeah, right.

I'll wash my hair,
watch the Saturday Night Movie...

and go to bed
with a plate of corndlakes.

I can do that most efficiently.

I can vanish.

♫ [ Whistling ]

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

♫ [ Whistling ]

- Hi.
- I seem to have left my key.

♫ [ Whistling ]

Oh. It probably fell out of my bag.

Thank you.
You expecting someone?

- Yes.
- Oh.

You.

Oh, no. No.
I'm going home now.

Right, but you always
leave something to come back for.

- Who, me?
- I mean girls.

Keys are the most popular.

Says the man
of limitless experience.

Now the problem is, what exactly
are we going to give you for lunch?

You're gonna make someone
a wonderful wife.

Like to gamble
on a cheese soufdlé?

Gamble on what you like.
I'm not staying.

Perhaps you should ask yourself
why you decided to go in the first place.

I suppose after a lifetime's
experience with women...

you think our one ambition
is to sit here all day...

listening to gems
from Carnegie Hall...

and watch you demonstrate
the art of cookery.

Good grief. There's a whole world
outside this little egg box you inhabit...

and people who don't have to invent
all sorts of complicated reasons...

for why they go in and out
of the front door.

As a matter of fact,
I know exactly why you left.

You werejealous.

Because I spoke to Ruth.

[ Thinking ]
The lousy thing about him now...

is he's absolutely right.

[ Thinking ] There's a risk she'll just
slam the door and clear out forever-

Only she has to know more
about Ruth.

- Who's Ruth?
- Ruth?

- Mmm.
-Just a girl I used to go with.

- Used to?
- It wasn't serious.

- Wasn't?
- Well, we, uh...

knew each other
for about eight months...

and sometimes she'd come over here
and stay a while.

And then, uh, finally, sh-

- She moved out?
- She moved in.

[ Doorbell Buzzing ]

[ Woman ]
Anybody home?

[ Growling ]

Darling, I've arrived.

Uh!
[ Chuckles ]

- So I see.
- I'm moving in- Mmm! Forever.

Which way for the shrunken head?

It's a groovy place
you got here, baby!

Well, actually, it's not so large.

Should I put these
in the bedroom?

[ Dog Barking ]

You know, if you knock her up,
I'll damn well sue ya.

I want her thin and upright
for the spring collection.

[ Ruth ] Mags, darling,
why should that happen now?

I mean, we've been
making it for months.

I mean, I only moved in
with him to save cab fare.

[ Barking, Whimpering ]

Your clothes are gonna get claustrophobic
in this closet!

[ Laughs ]
Well, who needs clothes?

Well.

- Here. Give me that.
- [ Loud Pop ]

- Hey!
- Oh, shit!

- Hey.
- I'll get some glasses.

[ Laughing ]

You know, I wonder about nuns.

Do you suppose
they'd make good models?

At least you'd get none
of these complications.

Hey, haven't you got any glasses?

- Here you are.
- Whoo.! Champagne.!

- Here's to it.
- What?

- Domestic life.
- Is that what we're going to have?

Domestic life means another two inches
on those hips.

And who am I going to get
to do the swimsuits in the Caribbean?

Mags, darling.
What are you talking about?

I'm going to work for him, aren't I?
My hips to the bone.

- Uh, no, honestly-
- Shut up, darling.

- Listen.
- Huh?

When you come home from work
all tired and exhausted...

you'll find your slippers by the fire
and your evening meal defrosting on the stove.

Because to hell with the equality of the sexes.
I'm gonna cook for you!

You're going to what?

♫ [ Background: Rock ]

Um. " One olive, finely chopped.

" Half a pound of hamburger meat.

" A half a teaspoon
of cayenne pepper.

Half a teaspoon of Wor-Worcester.''

♫ [ Man Singing ]

" One clove of garlic.''

- ♫ [ Continues ]
- [ Dog Barking ]

Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, dog.

Dog.! No.
[ Whistles ]

Not on the-
Ruth, I think he's-

- Oh! Oh!
- [ Barking ]

[ Ruth ]
Help.!

♫ [ Ends ]

That was the end of her.

- So you're alone.
- I was.

Yeah. What do you do
with that now?

- Put it in and hope for a miracle.
- [ Laughs ]

- Would you be so kind?
- Oh, yeah.

I could be so kind.

Ah.

Is this your burning interest in life?

- What?
- Cooking.

It's just something
I do on weekends.

- Like tennis.
- You play tennis?

Once in a while in the park.

- Keeps me fit.
- I guess it would do that.

So, what are we gonna have
for a main course?

Wow! You've got so much food!

- How come?
- Oh, I like to have a choice.

It was the way
I was brought up.

- Your parents ran a restaurant?
- No, my mother was a saint.

- [ Laughs ]
- And what did that make you?

- Hungry.
- Why?

Oh, she was always out at meetings
to prevent a third world war.

So she never got home
before the stores closed.

- For many weeks, I lived entirely on wienies.
- Ah.

- What did your dad say to that?
- He died of starvation.

- [ Laughs ]
- No, not really. He was long gone.

My mother had a group of friends
from various causes.

- I remember one of'em used to say...
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]

"Rosalie, that boy's secretlyjealous
of our relationship.

He's going through
the usual Oedipus period. '"

My mother's name was Rosalie,
and, to tell you the truth...

- I never wanted to go to bed with her at all.
- [ Laughs ]

- And I'm not really complaining about her.
- No, no. Of course not.

It's only when she sent
my tennis shoes off in a bundle...

- to the striking miners in Virginia, I mean-
- [ Laughs ]

I wished them luck,
but why the miners wanted...

a pair of size-seven junior tennis shoes,
I couldn't figure out.

A good woman.
[ Laughs ]

You're not good, are you,
by any horrible chance?

Good? No. Certainly not.

- You didn't decide on the main course, madam.
- Oh.

Grass-fed, prime, succulent steak...

or the chef's dream of a butter-tossed,
golden, free-swimming, morning-

Uh, th-that'll be fine.

- All right.
- We can have the fish tonight.

- [ Thinking ] Wrong.
- [ Thinking ] Moving in.

More subtle than Ruth, naturally,
more gentle...

but still moving in.

[ Thinking ]
"We can eat the fish this evening.''

That's what you say
when you've been married for years.

[ Thinking ]
She said it as if we'd been married for years.

[ Thinking ]
Am I out of my head, involving myself...

with a character who plays tennis?

What kind of a future's in that?

♫ [ Brass Band
Playing University Fight Song ]

♫ [ Men Singing Fight Song ]

♫ [ Singing Continues ]

[ Both ]
Rah! Rah! Rah, rah, rah!

Might not even
be here tonight.

Nope. That's right.

[ Thinking ] Much better.
Take her out somewhere and then, um-

Well, if it doesn't work out,
I can drop her at her place.

Anyway, I might even
be busy tonight.

I, uh, thought we might
go out somewhere, possibly.

Possibly.

Get some fresh air,
see how you look in front of trees.

I got asked to a party later on,
but you might not wanna go.

No. I might not.

Kind of a wide-open invitation.

I hate parties.

Can't help it.
I'm not cut out for it.

The mind wanders.
I always want to vanish from parties.

- [ Gasps ]
- Good morning.

- How long have you been here?
- Went to a party last night.

You should be more careful.
I sometimes drive the kids to school.

- [ Engine Starts ]
- Yeah, well...

you ought to leave
your car locked then.

The party was dreadful.

But I met this nice boy,
and we sneaked off to the kids' playroom.

Played Ping-Pong, drew pictures.

It was really fun.

Some lady kept shouting upstairs,
"What's going on up there, children?

Will you please go to bed?''

- Actually, we didn't.
- Really?

- Then finally he said he'd take me home.
- Your home?

Uh- Uh-

Not exactly, no.

But, um, on the way,
we passed by your car.

And I said, " Leave me here
if you value your life.

" My husband is insanely jealous.

And what's more,
he's a crack clay pigeon shot.''

- I was your husband?
- Last night, you were.

When he heard that, he dropped me off
like I had the plague or something.

Then I just sort of
got in here and sat.

It was a beautiful sunrise.
I wish you'd seen it.

Then I guess I fell asleep.

What are you gonna do now?

I think...

I'll buy you kippers
at the Plaza Hotel.

- Kippers! Perfect!
- Hey, hey.

[ Laughs ]
Just what I got in here for.

Careful, you nut.

I've gotta talk to Elizabeth.

I mean, for God's sake,
everybody gets divorced these days.

I don't like to think about that.

At least I could give you a home.

One could live quite comfortably
in a Mercedes.

I don't know what you want.
I don't know what you're looking for.

Breakfast- at the Plaza Hotel.

[ Timer Buzzing ]

♫ [ Background: Cool Jazz ]

[ Laughs ]

Oh, wow.

- Success.
- Brilliant.

- Let's eat.
- Yeah.

The great thing is, if men can cook at all,
women think it's wonderful.

- Well, it is.
- No, it's really a legend.

- Like sex and black men.
- [ Chuckles ]

- Of course, you know all about it.
- What do you mean?

I guess you're a practically
perfect person.

It's hot.

- I mean, you know all about, uh, brass bands...
- [ Murmurs ]

and cooking, God knows...

and, uh, theory of sex
in a multiracial society.

- Mm-hmm.
- Enough.

You know, I really don't know all that
about the theory of sex.

- You know those books you read as a kid?
- Yeah.

300 Ways
to a Sexually Fulfilled Marriage.

- Yeah.
- The diagrams confused me.

[ Laughs ]
Yeah, diagrams are confusing.

I suppose you started
with practical experience.

Well, as a matter of fact...

- he was a Boy Scout.
- A what?

- You don't wanna hear this.
- Tell me.

Uh, it's not a story I usually tell
until much later.

- Later?
- When I get to know someone really well.

- And you haven't, uh-
- No, of course not.

- But go on.
- [ Chuckles ]

Well-

- I was a Girl Scout.
- A Brownie?

No. I got to be
a full-dledged Girl Scout.

Had a natural talent for knots.

- How old were you, exactly?
- Sixteen.

Mmm, his camp
was in the next field.

One night, all the other girls
were going to the movies.

I was being punished,
so they left me behind to do the dishes.

[ Girls Singing In Distance, Camp Fire ]

♫ [ Continues ]

[ Whispering ]
Hey. Wake up.

Wake up.

- Please wake up.
-♫ [ Ends ]

- [ Girl ] See ya tomorrow.
- [ Girl #2 ] Bye.!

[ Girls Chattering ]

Oh, they're coming back. Hurry.

[ Laughing, Chattering ]

- Good night.
- Good night.

- [ Girl ] See ya tomorrow.
- [ Girl #2 ] Bye.

[ Chattering ]

That's them. Quick.

I'm going. I'm going.

- [ Girl ] Good night.
- [ Girl #2 ] Good night.

[ Chattering Continues ]

- [ Girl ] See you tomorrow.
- [ Girls Laughing ]

- Hey. Wait.
- It was much better than I read about.

Hurry up.!

Did you do it again?

We went home the next week.

Summer was over.
Didn't get another chance.

I mean, anywhere else.

No. He- He lived someplace
in Philadelphia.

Never saw him again.

He had sort of...
pink eyes and brown hair.

[ Yawns ]

It's funny. I don't usually
feel this way after lunch.

It's the best time
to feel this way.

Yeah.

Evening's for...

going out and...

talking to your friends and...

meeting people, going to movies.

- Yeah.
- Afternoon's just perfect.

After a great lunch like that-
plenty of wine-

there's only one thing
I wanna do.

Me too.

[ Magazine Plops ]

- [ Clicks On ]
- [ Male Announcer] Join the diet Tipple set!

[ Woman ]
The night his boss came to dinner...

she served Gourmet salt,
the condiment of continental-
[ Clicks Off]

[ Rain Pattering ]

It's raining.

Guess there's, uh,
not much point in going out.

[ Switch Clicks ]

- What time is it?
- I gotta go.

- Oh, what time is it?
- 1 :00. I fell asleep.

- You never noticed my new nightgown.
- Of course I did.

We never have
the whole night together...

so I thought you oughta
see me in a nightgown.

- Mm-hmm.
- Does it occur to you-

- Hmm?
- I was just wondering
if it ever occurred to you that...

just because of you,
anyone would be willing...

to put up with dinner
once a week...

with their nightgown
in a brown paper bag...

only to be abandoned
at 1 :00 in the morning...

with nothing to do
but read the hotel shopping guide?

Don't you think
that's very dlattering, hmm?

- Don't you think that's very flattering?
- I do.

You don't.
You think it's perfectly natural.

[ Chuckles ]

Wish you didn't have to go.

- I'm sorry.
- Not complaining.

One day, you'll find
a perfectly good husband...

with a Mustang
and an English Tudor in Scarsdale...

and you'll spend perfectly happy evenings
together playing Monopoly.

[ Mock Snoring ]

- I'll come to the wedding.
- Oh, no, you won't.

All right.

I tell you what I'll do.

I'll, uh- I'll wait until you call...

and I'll meet you when you come to buy
the living room drapes at Bloomingdale's.

Yeah, and then we'll have
lunch downstairs...

and we'll come up here
till it's time to get dressed...

and go out and buy lamb chops
for his dinner.

- I'd like that.
- No way.

Why not?

Because if that time ever came...

I'd have to say good-bye to you,
wouldn't I?

- No. You'd need me even more.
- Add a little color to my life?

At least once a month.

You haven't met anyone,
have you?

[ Chuckling ]
With a house in Scarsdale?

No. Not yet.

Good night, darling.

- Don't go away.
- I'm here.

- Hi.
- Hi.

What time is it?

Oh, wow. It can't be.

[ Snifdles ]
Why didn't you wake me up?

Mmm, you were-
You were having such a good sleep.

Are we still going out?

[ Murmurs ]

You didn't really wanna go out,
did you?

- No. You did, though, didn't you?
- Not really.

[ Thunder Rumbling In Distance ]

Were you here the whole time?

I washed the dishes.

- Oh. I-I was gonna do that.
- No, it doesn't matter.

I don't know-
I just couldn't stay awake.

- How long were you here?
- Oh, about an hour.

- When I was dreaming too?
- About me?

Someone nice?

No. Nobody nice at all.

Mmm. Uh, what, uh-
What happens now?

- You stay where you are.
- Oh, no.

It's good, isn't it?

Nobody's in a hurry
to get dressed...

be home before anyone
realizes they'd gone.

It's so ordinary, it's-
it's unusual.

At least until Monday.

- It's good.
- Although I suppose we'd have to eat.

- Not till Monday.
- It makes me hungry.

Mmm! [ Chuckles ]
I'll cook for you.

- I'll cook you some wienies.
- Thanks a lot. [ Laughing ]

I don't want you to ever
get out of this bed.

What a day it's been, huh?

And we haven't really done anything.
Nothing at all.

- [ Gasps ] Phone call.
- What?

I've gotta make a phone call.

No. Come on.

- What, you have to call some guy?
- No,just Hilary.

I called her this morning and told her
I'd be back with the groceries.

- She'll be expecting me.
- Stay where you are.

No, see,
her boyfriend might be in town.

- I've gotta tell her the coast is clear.
- You always operate this way?

If we don't
synchronize our plans...

one of us has to stay in the kitchen
the whole time reading.

Can't she arrange her own life?

Sure, she can.
Just needs a little help occasionally.

[ Thinking ]
She had to fill the place with other people.

[ Her Voice ]
I've gotta make a phone call.

It was going fine, and- Hmm.

Her boyfriend might be back.
I have to tell her the coast is clear.

[ Thinking Continues ]
Just when we decided. We made up our minds.

Shejust needs a little help occasionally.

And everyone else-
every needy stranger-

[ Crowd Shouting ]

[ Scoffs ]

- [ Hilary ] If only he'd called me himself.
- It's rotten. I know.

- He knows how I look forward to seeing him.
- Wait- Listen.

Pour yourself a big glass of whiskey.

- And take a hot bath or something.
- Lot of good that'll do.

And if you get desperate
or you just wanna talk or anything, call me.

- Anytime. We'll be here all the time.
- What's your number?

Oh, I'm at, uh, 7 44-997 0.

- Got that?
- Yeah.

Okay, bye.

- Was that your friend Hilary?
- Yeah.

Her boyfriend got his secretary to call
and give her the brush-off.

Hmm.

Sounds as if,
uh, she could be lucky.

She doesn't see it that way.
It's her we've got to worry about.

- Why?
- Hmm?

Why do we have
to worry about her?

She, uh, taking it badly?

Yeah. She does
take these things badly.

I suppose she wants you
to run home and hold her hand.

[ Chuckles ]
I suppose she would like that.

Why don't you?

Isn't she your best friend?

Of course.
That's why she understands.

- What?
- That it's all right for me to stay here with you.

My need's greater than hers, hmm?

I know what I was doing.

Boy, you really have
to spread yourself around though.

Did you ever
picket against the war?

What are you talking about?

- Did you ever collect money for Biafra? Huh?
- Yeah. So what?

How do you find time
to do all that...

between sewing buttons on
for theJapanese...

and helping the film director
downstairs and...

seeing your girlfriends
through all their crises?

Well, keeps me pretty busy.

And getting me through a bad bout
of sexual starvation.

[ Chuckles ]

I think you'd better go.

I-I said I think you'd better go.

Yeah, I heard you the first time.

- Poor Hilary needs you much more than I do.
- I don't think so.

How do you know?

I know I'm not wrong about Hilary.

It's not easy.

- I'm sorry.
- What?

I'm sorry it's so difficult for you.

You want me to go and see Hilary
and then not come back anymore.

Is that what you want?

I don't know.
Things aren't right.

- Because I called her?
- No.

I don't think it would work.

Give it a chance.

[ Breathes Deeply ]

No. I- I know it wouldn't work.

That's what I'm trying
to tell you.

It's just that-

If it's going to be serious,
it better be right.

The funny thing is,
I thought it was.

Where's my coat?

- Oh. Um, it's right-
- That's all right. I'll get it.

[ Footsteps Approaching ]

- Shall I get you a cab?
- Uh, it's all right. I'll find one.

[ Hilary ] If they understood the hell it plays
with our chemical reactions-

I know.

What are we supposed to do all day Sunday
to keep our minds off sex?

In school-
In convent school...

they proposed
a fast game of volleyball.

- And does that work?
- Makes you horny as hell.

You picked a bastard too.

No, not really.

How can you say that
after the way he treated you?

- Could've been worse.
- How?

Could've waited till tomorrow
and then... politely lost me.

Could've done that.

Could've dropped me off
and then said...

" I'll call you in a week.''

At least he didn't try
to make it easy.

[ Door Opens, Closes ]

[ Ruth On Phone ]
Hi. It's me.

I haven't seen you for months.
I miss you.

- [ People Chattering ]
-♫ [ Background: Slapstick ]

♫ [ Continues ]

[ People Exclaiming, Laughing ]

[ Tapping ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Oh. I'm-

- Sorry.
- Have I met you before?

- No.
- You play a lot of Indian nose dlute, don't you?

- Not at all.
- Bloody nose dluter's shirt if ever I saw one.

[ Nervous Humming ]

Hi, baby.

[ People Exclaiming, Laughing ]

Ruth? Ruth?

- Drink, Ruth.
- Thank you.

Apparently there were
these three nuns...

- who went into a whorehouse, and-
- Hi.

Darling. This is Charlie.
You'll love him. He tells jokes.

- We've met.
- Apparently there were these three nuns...

who went into a whorehouse in San Francisco
to shelter from the rain, and the-

Where's your little friend?

Uh, she left.

- They all have to go, don't they, love?
- What do you mean?

I mean,just as soon as they actually
sit on the chairs...

or spill ashes down the john...

or leave wet footprints
on the bathroom dloor.

I mean, you don't actually want
living people around there, do you?

- Well, that's, uh-
- Not for any length of time.

not altogether true.

[ People Exclaiming, Laughing ]

What was she like?

I don't- I-
I don't really know.

[ Murmuring ]
Six- Oh.

- I'll be right back.
- Oh, wait a minute.

Hey, hey. Wait.
I want my money now. Hey!

Hey, buddy.!

- Stanley.
- Well, did you get laid?

- Have you seen her?
- What, that broad you left with last night?

No, I didn't see-
Hey, give my friend a beer, will ya?

I don't even know her name.

Listen, man.
You got lucky. Be thankful.

You know what happened to me?
I put in an hour's charm and witty conversation...

to find out that this neurotic wreck
I was with had the curse.

I must be out of my mind.
I didn't even ask her her name.

You know what's in the back
of their minds sometime?

I'll tell you. It's-

It's not good clean sex
they're after, you know.

It's a weird, perverted trip to city hall.

- I have to find her.
- Wait a minute, will you?

- Have your beer. Relax. She'll be around.
- What do you mean?

- For God's sake, man.
- What are you talkin' about?

Look, she's got another
two nights' hunting...

before she turns up all pale and interesting
in the office Monday morning.

- You idiot. You're an idiot.
- What's the matter with you, man?

- Hey, man, what-
- You don't call me, man.

Hey, what-

[ Him ]
Murray Hill. She said the Murray Hill area.

That's where we are, chief.
Any particular street you got in mind?

Turn here.
Right here. Right here.

This must be it.
There's trees on the street.

[ Chuckles ]
Now all we need is a clock that stopped in 1 930.

Oh, I get it.
This is one of those television shows.

[ Door Opens ]

Officer?
I'm looking for a street with trees.

It's a very respectable area.
Only one or two stabbings a week. Do you, uh-

No, no, no.
You don't-You don't understand.

Sir? Pardon me.
Do you live around here?

- Why, yes. I live at-
- Do you know an apartment with three girls in it?

- Girls?
- Yeah. Three-

Oh. I'm... sorry.

Let's face it, buddy. You don't know
where the hell you wanna go.

Let's go home, huh? Home?

Yeah. I guess you're right.

All right. So where's home?

- Fifty-two Riverside Drive.
- Fifty-two Riverside Drive. Okay.

- Dinner's not ready yet.
- What?

Didn't expect you back so soon.

- I was looking for you.
- I know.

You didn't go.

I came in here, and I-I...

sat down, and I- I thought-

And I thought, uh...

we might as well have the fish.

I- I tried to find you.

I-I tried.

Running away from each other
won't work anymore, will it?

Uh...

tomorrow,
we'll go and get your clothes.

Yeah. Tomorrow, we can do that.

Uh, do you want
the fish now?

Or we could wait till later.

We'll wait.

- [ Clothes Rustling ]
- [ He Chuckles ]

[ She Squeals Softly ]

[ Him Laughing ]

Come on.

Oh! You have cold feet.

[ Kisses ]

- I never got your name.
- Oh. It's Mary.

- Mary?
- Uh-huh.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Yours?
-John.

-John? John.
- Mary.

[ Giggling ]

Mary.

-John.
- Mary.

-John.
- How do you spell it?

M-U-R-R-Y.
[ Giggles ]

[ Laughing ]