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♪ In the not too distant future ♪
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♪ Somewhere in time and space
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♪ Mike Nelson and his robot pals ♪
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♪ Are caught in an endless chase ♪
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♪ Pursued by a woman whose name is Pearl ♪
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♪ An evil gal who wants to rule the world ♪
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♪ She threw a few things in her purse ♪
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♪ And in her rocket ship she hunts him ♪
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♪ All across the universe
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♪ I'll get you
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♪ I'll send him cheesy movies
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♪ The worst I can find
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♪ La, la, la
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♪ He'll have to sit and watch them all ♪
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♪ And I'll monitor his mind
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♪ La, la, la
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♪ Now keep in mind Mike can't control ♪
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♪ Where the movies begin or end ♪
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♪ La, la, la
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♪ He'll try to keep his sanity
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♪ With the help of his robot friends ♪
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♪ Robot roll call
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♪ Cambot - You're on!
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♪ Gypsy - Oh my stars!
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♪ Tom Servo - Check me out.
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♪ Crooooow - I'm different.
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♪ If you're wondering how he eats and breathes ♪
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♪ And other science facts
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♪ La, la, la
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♪ Just repeat to yourself, it's just a show ♪
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♪ I should really just relax
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♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♪
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(rumbling)
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(beeping)
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(chains rattling)
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(mechanical buzzing)
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- Hi, everyone, Mike Nelson here.
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Hey, I'm sporting a mustache for the very first time.
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I'm a little worried about
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how Tom and Crow are gonna react.
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- Hey, Mike, a new mustache.
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Hey, it looks good, it really does.
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- You think?
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- Yeah, it's great.
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It looks good.
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- No kidding, well that went well.
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We'll be right back.
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- Yeah, it's a look that challenges people.
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Good for you, Mike.
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- Yeah, it says, "I look like this and I don't even care."
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I say, go man, go!
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(chuckling)
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- Well, great, thanks.
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We'll be right back.
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- It gives you a sort of Howard Sprague allure.
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- Yeah.
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- Only not so overtly macho.
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- Oh yeah, an unqualified success,
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so long as no one looks directly at your face.
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- Right, right, right.
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- Right, well we'll be right back.
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- You've declared your contempt for the world.
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Go get 'em, sport.
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- Yeah, you've given me the confidence I need.
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You know, I'm gonna go get a big, stinky spiral cut ham
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and stable it to my top lip.
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Thank you, Mike.
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- We'll be right back.
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- Yep, get used to hearing the screams
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of small children and the elderly.
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- Mike's mustache to world, "I hate you
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"and I'm cutting myself off from all human contact."
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I like it.
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- Yeah, it's nice.
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(upbeat music)
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Wow, I never noticed, Mike, but your upper lip is huge.
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- Yeah, you look like a bowling ball with a slit in it.
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- You could ski down your nasolabial trough.
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(chuckling) - Good, very clever.
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Done?
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- Oh, sure. - Yeah, yeah.
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- Okay, good, can we check in with out evil captors then?
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- If you want.
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- You know, you might wanna consider a mustache.
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(chuckling)
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(snoring)
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- Hey, wake up! - Wake up, wake up, wake up!
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- What? What?
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- Let's go to Dairy Queen!
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- Who the hell are you?
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- I'm Buddy.
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- I'm Scooter.
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- And I'm Darlene.
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- And we're space children.
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- Oh, children, yuck.
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- That's right
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and we're lost and hungry.
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- And why?
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Because we ran away.
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- Well, aren't you just the most delightful little--
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(thudding)
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(laughing)
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- He's funny.
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- Oh, I know, I know, I know.
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You can be our new mommy!
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(cheering) - Hold on.
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I ain't gonna be nobody's mommy.
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- Okay, you can be our new grandma!
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- Don't you ever say that again, capiche?
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All right, here's some Clove Gum and a church key.
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Now scram!
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- But we're hungry.
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- And I'm scared. (crying)
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- Oh, can't they stay, Grandma?
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- Don't push it, Bonzo.
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Brain Guy, make some traffic for these brats to play in.
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- Right, right.
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- Now you've made us mad.
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- We'll make you be nice.
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- [All] Nana, nana, boo-boo, pocket full of lunch.
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- Oh my!
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- [All] Big bad meanies, now start to punch!
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(thudding)
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- It's true, Pearl!
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They have powers far greater than my own.
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- We can do anything!
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- We're omnificent!
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- Nelson, do something!
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- Man, we gotta work these kids.
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They could be our ticket out of here.
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- Use psychology, Mike.
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I have all the right books here.
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Dr. Spock, Brazelton, the Great Santini.
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- Mike, I suggest reverse psychology.
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Tell them, "Don't not send us the movie that doesn't exist."
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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- How about guilt and shame?
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They worked on me.
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- No, no, no, Mike, kids are fragile
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but they need structure.
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Be firm but fair then offer them money.
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- Nah, just tell them we'll take away their pagers
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and their big pants and I don't know what else.
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- Okay, wait, wait, I've got it, okay.
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Hi, kids, you know, we've always been there for you,
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working so hard to provide for your future,
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so don't you dare send us a movie
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or it'll be the belt for you!
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What I mean, is,
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we'll give you Beanie Babies and a hundred dollars
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and cake and stuff if you don't send us the movie,
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unless you were planning to do the opposite of what we say,
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in that case, please send us the movie.
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Unless, you were planning to do the opposite of the opposite
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of what we say, in which case,
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we'll take away your cake and your hundred dollars
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and we'll tear up your Beanie Babies!
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We love you?
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(thudding) (groaning)
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- We've decided.
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- [All] Nana, nana, boo-boo, pocket full of groovy,
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send the silly satellite another crappy movie!
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- Yay!
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- D'oh!
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- Mike, you couldn't raise an earthworm.
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(alarm buzzing)
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- We got movie sign!
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- Big, dumb square head.
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(rumbling)
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(mechanical buzzing)
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(liquid dripping)
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(beeping)
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(creaking)
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- [Crow] Kids.
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- [Tom] Group "I, I, I."
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What a solipsitic film!
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- [Mike] I'm Myrl Schreib,
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I'll paint any movie for $49.95.
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- [Crow] Ah, comes from the Scandinavian,
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"Son of Five."
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(eerie whispering)
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- [Mike] What?
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- [Crow] What is that?
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(beeping)
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- [Mike] Big boys don't cry.
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Big boys don't cry.
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- [Crow] Mike, I think the voices in my head
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are a little louder than usual.
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- [Tom] Hey, a supermodel factory.
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- [Mike] Bag your own people and save at Super Value.
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(eerie whispering)
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- [Tom] Julia Childs' secret freezer.
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(eerie whispering) (electrical buzzing)
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- [Mike] Frozen bodies, do you have anything
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you'd like to share with the whole class?
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- [Crow] Hey, Stallone!
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(crowd cheering)
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- [Tom] What really happened to Shields and Yarnell.
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(eerie music)
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- [Mike] Hurray for the '70s!
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- [Crow] Shaun Cassidy for president!
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- [Tom] We want Billy Beer!
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- [Mike] Thaw-Master testing grounds.
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(crowd cheering)
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Hey.
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- [Crow] Biography.
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(Mike laughing)
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(crowd cheering)
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- [Man] Thank you, all!
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- [Mike] We want England Dan and John Ford Coley!
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- [Man] Hello and God bless you!
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- [Crow] Thank God that one policeman's there,
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he'd be torn apart.
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- You all know what I stand for.
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- [Tom] Biography.
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- I believe in this country.
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- [Mike] California?
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- Now I know that may sound corny.
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- [Crow] Cutting Medicare, what?
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- But you know why I wanna be president?
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I think it's time that I started paying back this country
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for some of the good things it's given me!
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- [Mike] Like "Biography."
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- Sure, we've got problems.
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We're gonna solve them by standing by the old fashion ways
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that made this country great.
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And that is what I promise to you.
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- [Crow] Um, check the antenna.
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- From what I've been hearing the last few months,
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that's exactly what all of you have been waiting for.
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- [Tom] Mike, I think we're slipping into another dimension.
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- So that's what I'm going to give you.
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We've got two weeks to go,
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so let's go all the way!
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- [Mike] Tonight on "Biography," the story of Julius Caesar.
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Tomorrow night, funnyman Charlie Callas.
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(upbeat marching band music)
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- [Man] That's our boy.
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- [Crow] Oh, it's Peter Graves' dad.
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(dramatic music)
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- [Mike] And we have Cheryl Tiegs in the lead,
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Shelley Hack second, Willie Aames and Lance Kerwin
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and the DeFranco Family bringing up the rear.
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(Tom giggling)
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- [Tom] Hey, I think they're running to Elton John's
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funeral for a friend.
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- [Crow] Oh, please invent the sports bra soon.
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(dramatic music)
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(Mike chanting to music in deep voice)
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- [Tom] That's good.
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- [Mike] Thank you.
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- [Crow] I don't know what you've been told
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but new Adorne can really hold.
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(Mike chuckling)
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- [Tom] Parts is parts.
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- [Crow] Apparently E.E. Cummings write it.
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(dramatic music)
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- [Mike] Pablo Cruise concert tonight, pass it on.
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- [Tom] Filmed at the Sydney Opera House High School.
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- Dick Sargent?
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Didn't he play Dick York on "Bewitched?"
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- [Mike] Here, at Bruce Jenner University.
263
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:54,200
- [Tom] Hi, I'm a chemical engineering student.
264
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,469
- [Mike] You know, these were the days when Michael York
265
00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:57,336
could open a movie.
266
00:08:57,336 --> 00:08:58,437
- [Tom] Yeah.
267
00:08:59,772 --> 00:09:02,174
- [Crow] Bounce, behave, bounce, behave, bounce, behave!
268
00:09:05,945 --> 00:09:08,781
- [Tom] Sid and Marty Krofft secret training camp.
269
00:09:09,982 --> 00:09:10,816
Doo!
270
00:09:10,816 --> 00:09:11,651
- [Mike] Doo!
271
00:09:11,651 --> 00:09:13,352
- [Crow] Doo!
272
00:09:13,352 --> 00:09:15,321
Oh, Mike, I'd like to introduce you to Paulette.
273
00:09:15,321 --> 00:09:16,255
Paulette, Mike.
274
00:09:16,255 --> 00:09:17,523
- [Mike] Hi, Paulette.
275
00:09:17,523 --> 00:09:19,559
- [Tom] Hey, no fair, Rosie took the subway!
276
00:09:20,693 --> 00:09:22,094
- [Crow] Regardless of race,
277
00:09:22,094 --> 00:09:23,963
black people are not allowed at this university.
278
00:09:23,963 --> 00:09:25,197
(Mike laughing)
279
00:09:25,197 --> 00:09:27,800
- [Mike] Hey, Joe Bob Briggs, track coach.
280
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:29,001
- Area 14 is clear.
281
00:09:29,001 --> 00:09:30,202
- [Tom] Clear?
282
00:09:30,202 --> 00:09:30,937
There's a bunch of people in back of you.
283
00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:31,637
- Yeah. - Dope.
284
00:09:31,637 --> 00:09:33,172
(laughing)
285
00:09:33,172 --> 00:09:35,207
- [Crow] And then he said, "Aye, sit on it, Potsie."
286
00:09:35,207 --> 00:09:38,177
- No, you don't have to, it was only a joke.
287
00:09:38,177 --> 00:09:39,011
- [Tom] Huh?
288
00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:42,148
- [Mike] Wow, they're raising a race of Becks.
289
00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:44,884
- [Crow] "Breaking Away 2: The Clonus Horror."
290
00:09:46,352 --> 00:09:48,187
- How could I know Grayson was going to throw a knee?
291
00:09:48,187 --> 00:09:49,956
- Yeah, but you didn't bet on the quarterback,
292
00:09:49,956 --> 00:09:50,957
you bet on the game.
293
00:09:50,957 --> 00:09:52,758
- Well I say the bet's off.
294
00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:53,593
- It's not off, it's on.
295
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,027
The bet's a bet!
296
00:09:55,027 --> 00:09:56,529
- What's a bet?
297
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:58,197
- Nevermind, just put your helmet on and let's go.
298
00:09:58,197 --> 00:09:59,398
- [Tom] What's a helmet?
299
00:10:00,633 --> 00:10:02,068
- [Mike] Man, they're tough
300
00:10:02,068 --> 00:10:03,569
on the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, aren't they?
301
00:10:05,671 --> 00:10:06,772
(whistle blowing)
302
00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:08,641
- [Crow] La Tour De Van Ness.
303
00:10:09,575 --> 00:10:10,910
- [Tom] And they're off.
304
00:10:12,878 --> 00:10:15,548
- [Mike] The Starland Vocal Band goes on a bike tour.
305
00:10:16,916 --> 00:10:18,951
- [Crow] Let's go film Tampon commercials, everybody!
306
00:10:18,951 --> 00:10:19,819
- What a bet.
307
00:10:19,819 --> 00:10:20,720
Oh brother.
308
00:10:22,054 --> 00:10:23,489
- [Tom] I think you're neat.
309
00:10:23,489 --> 00:10:25,658
- [Mike] I like how keen you are.
310
00:10:25,658 --> 00:10:28,494
- [Crow] Um, guys, this is supposed to be the 50 yard dash.
311
00:10:28,494 --> 00:10:29,328
Oh, nevermind.
312
00:10:29,328 --> 00:10:31,297
(Mike laughing)
313
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:33,466
- [Mike] A little something for the ladies.
314
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,301
- It's missionary position practice.
315
00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:37,770
(Tom chuckling)
316
00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:39,772
(groaning)
317
00:10:39,772 --> 00:10:42,675
- [Tom] "Parts: The Village People Horror."
318
00:10:42,675 --> 00:10:44,977
(clapping)
319
00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:48,214
- [Mike] "The Long Time Companion Olympics."
320
00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:49,682
- Here you go.
321
00:10:49,682 --> 00:10:52,184
- [Crow] Winner of the International Jeffery Games.
322
00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:56,856
- [Mike] Saturn, a different kind of car company.
323
00:10:56,856 --> 00:10:58,924
- [Tom] Hey, LSD tabs everyone!
324
00:10:58,924 --> 00:11:01,394
Woo!
325
00:11:01,394 --> 00:11:03,229
- [Crow] I can't wait to dig into that party sub.
326
00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:06,298
- He shows no interest in what we're doing.
327
00:11:06,298 --> 00:11:07,133
Okay.
328
00:11:08,567 --> 00:11:10,436
- [Mike] A Van Patten family reunion.
329
00:11:13,806 --> 00:11:15,274
- [Tom] This is not sanctioned, gentlemen.
330
00:11:15,274 --> 00:11:17,109
You are doing this on your own.
331
00:11:18,310 --> 00:11:19,845
- [Crow] Hey, why's Gilligan there?
332
00:11:19,845 --> 00:11:22,848
(girls laughing)
333
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:26,919
- [Mike] So life is a constant non-competitive track meet?
334
00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:28,954
- [Tom] Ah, yes, the adult McDonald's Playland.
335
00:11:28,954 --> 00:11:31,257
- [Man] George is quite strong.
336
00:11:31,257 --> 00:11:32,258
I think he's ready.
337
00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:33,526
- So do I.
338
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:34,460
- [Mike] Huh?
339
00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:35,761
- Do you have his workup?
340
00:11:35,761 --> 00:11:36,595
- Right here.
341
00:11:39,932 --> 00:11:41,467
- [Crow] Sam!
342
00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:43,769
- [Mike] Professor Darrin and Dr. Super Mario Brother.
343
00:11:43,769 --> 00:11:46,772
(computers beeping)
344
00:11:46,772 --> 00:11:47,973
- I see no problems here.
345
00:11:48,941 --> 00:11:49,909
Do you?
346
00:11:49,909 --> 00:11:51,210
- All the tests were positive.
347
00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:53,112
- [Tom] Or negative, I can't remember which.
348
00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:57,116
- [Crow] Tonight, the brilliant career of Dick Sargent
349
00:11:57,116 --> 00:11:58,617
on "Biography."
350
00:11:58,617 --> 00:12:00,386
- Walker, Jameson.
351
00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:01,587
It's ready.
352
00:12:01,587 --> 00:12:03,189
- [Tom] Your bundt cake is ready.
353
00:12:03,189 --> 00:12:04,223
(beeping)
354
00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:06,192
- [Crow] "Hop On Pop: The Movie."
355
00:12:08,194 --> 00:12:09,662
- [Jameson] Let's go.
356
00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:12,031
- [Mike] This is Coco and Studly on the K-Rock Morning Stew.
357
00:12:12,031 --> 00:12:13,332
- Get it ready.
358
00:12:13,332 --> 00:12:15,367
- [Tom] Terrence McNally holds weird auditions.
359
00:12:15,367 --> 00:12:16,469
- Give it up!
360
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:17,970
- George!
361
00:12:17,970 --> 00:12:19,205
- [Crow] He looks like the monster from "Rocky Horror."
362
00:12:19,205 --> 00:12:20,840
- Excellent, George.
363
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:22,041
- [Crow] Rocky.
364
00:12:22,041 --> 00:12:22,842
- I've got good news for you, George.
365
00:12:22,842 --> 00:12:24,009
You've been accepted.
366
00:12:24,009 --> 00:12:25,211
It's time to get ready.
367
00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:26,812
- [Mike] I got into Hamburger U.!
368
00:12:26,812 --> 00:12:28,814
- George, what was that all about?
369
00:12:28,814 --> 00:12:29,849
- I just qualified.
370
00:12:29,849 --> 00:12:31,016
I get to go to America.
371
00:12:31,016 --> 00:12:31,851
- When?
372
00:12:31,851 --> 00:12:32,918
- Later on.
373
00:12:32,918 --> 00:12:34,453
- Congratulations, George.
374
00:12:34,453 --> 00:12:35,387
- Thanks, Richard.
375
00:12:35,387 --> 00:12:36,722
Come on, I gotta go back.
376
00:12:36,722 --> 00:12:37,957
- Okay.
377
00:12:37,957 --> 00:12:39,525
- [Mike] And then I gotta get ready to go.
378
00:12:39,525 --> 00:12:41,494
(clapping)
379
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:44,096
- [Crow] Happy Birthday, Jack Lord.
380
00:12:44,096 --> 00:12:45,531
(clapping)
381
00:12:45,531 --> 00:12:49,301
- [Tom] Oh, you got me a plate of drywall, thanks guys!
382
00:12:49,301 --> 00:12:51,437
(pleasant music)
383
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:53,506
- [Mike] I guess this is, "later on."
384
00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:54,807
- [Crow] Apparently.
385
00:12:54,807 --> 00:12:56,642
- [Tom] Here are "Up With People Farms."
386
00:12:58,444 --> 00:12:59,945
- Thank you.
387
00:12:59,945 --> 00:13:02,681
It's good to know that I have all of you as friends.
388
00:13:02,681 --> 00:13:03,916
- [Mike] Except you.
389
00:13:03,916 --> 00:13:05,217
- And I know that soon,
390
00:13:05,217 --> 00:13:07,353
all of you will be joining me in America.
391
00:13:07,353 --> 00:13:08,587
- [Tom] Blink.
392
00:13:08,587 --> 00:13:10,523
- For that is the land where good friends live.
393
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:12,925
We're always happy.
394
00:13:14,927 --> 00:13:16,128
Thanks.
395
00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:17,730
- [Crowd] Aaron Spelling's "Avalon."
396
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:19,365
- [Tom] Adam Rich turned out bad.
397
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:21,700
- [Mike] Cake.
398
00:13:22,902 --> 00:13:25,104
- [Crow] Have you heard from Billy Jack lately?
399
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:29,308
- [Tom] The party died out pretty quick there.
400
00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:31,710
(Crow giggling)
401
00:13:31,710 --> 00:13:33,913
- [Crow] It's fun where there are things.
402
00:13:33,913 --> 00:13:35,481
(pleasant music)
403
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,750
- [Mike] He's just making sure he hates this.
404
00:13:39,585 --> 00:13:41,620
- [Tom] I love you, Talia Shire.
405
00:13:41,620 --> 00:13:43,522
- I should be joining you soon.
406
00:13:43,522 --> 00:13:45,457
- Well, of course you're going.
407
00:13:45,457 --> 00:13:47,927
You'll qualify very soon, you'll see.
408
00:13:47,927 --> 00:13:49,662
- [Mike] Ah, shucks.
409
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:50,462
- I've...
410
00:13:51,964 --> 00:13:53,499
I've grown accustomed to you.
411
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:57,570
- [Crow] Like breathing out and breathing in.
412
00:13:57,570 --> 00:14:00,506
- I like having you touch me.
413
00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:01,440
- Me too.
414
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,309
- [Tom] I like to touch me too.
415
00:14:03,309 --> 00:14:05,411
- But I can't turn America down.
416
00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:07,079
You know that.
417
00:14:07,079 --> 00:14:09,081
It's too important.
418
00:14:09,081 --> 00:14:09,915
- But--
419
00:14:09,915 --> 00:14:10,983
(shushing)
420
00:14:10,983 --> 00:14:12,284
- [Mike] He's leaking air.
421
00:14:13,752 --> 00:14:15,821
- [Crow] Mmm, you taste like Lik-M-Aid.
422
00:14:17,156 --> 00:14:18,791
- [Tom] Oh yeah, right.
423
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:20,025
- [Man] George?
424
00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:21,527
It's almost time to leave for America
425
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,362
and we have to prepare for your trip, so let's go.
426
00:14:23,362 --> 00:14:24,430
- All right. - Now.
427
00:14:24,430 --> 00:14:25,364
- [Mike] Come on, grab all your
428
00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:27,299
too tight Munsingwear shirts.
429
00:14:27,299 --> 00:14:28,801
- Bye, everybody!
430
00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:29,702
- [Man] Don't worry, they'll be coming soon to America.
431
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:30,536
Let's go, George.
432
00:14:32,004 --> 00:14:33,105
- [Crow] I'll stop at the Duty Free Shop in America
433
00:14:33,105 --> 00:14:35,341
and get you something neat!
434
00:14:35,341 --> 00:14:37,343
(dramatic chanting music)
435
00:14:37,343 --> 00:14:38,244
(Tom singing with music)
436
00:14:38,244 --> 00:14:39,812
- Bye.
437
00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:42,081
- [Tom] I'll miss your white bread blandness.
438
00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:45,017
- [Mike] I'll take over from here.
439
00:14:45,017 --> 00:14:46,118
(Tom chuckling)
440
00:14:46,118 --> 00:14:47,086
- Will it be all right?
441
00:14:47,086 --> 00:14:48,020
- [Crow] Hell no.
442
00:14:48,020 --> 00:14:49,555
- Of course it'll be all right.
443
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:52,524
- [Tom] He's got the finely toned body of a pro golfer.
444
00:14:52,524 --> 00:14:55,361
(somber music)
445
00:14:55,361 --> 00:14:56,996
- [Mike] See...
446
00:14:56,996 --> 00:14:58,964
Look, I'm trying to walk away from you.
447
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,935
- [Crow] HQ, my hat looks like a muffin, over.
448
00:15:02,935 --> 00:15:05,537
(upbeat music)
449
00:15:09,675 --> 00:15:11,210
- Come in, George, sit down.
450
00:15:11,210 --> 00:15:12,845
- [Tom] We're gonna remove all your teeth.
451
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:16,248
- Well, George, you look like you're ready to go to America.
452
00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:17,116
- Yes I am.
453
00:15:18,117 --> 00:15:18,984
- How was your party?
454
00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:20,452
- Good.
455
00:15:20,452 --> 00:15:22,221
Dana, Richard, all my other friends were there.
456
00:15:22,221 --> 00:15:25,124
- Well, George, your party was step number one
457
00:15:25,124 --> 00:15:27,059
for your journey to America.
458
00:15:27,059 --> 00:15:27,960
But before you actually--
459
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,795
- [Crow] Blink.
460
00:15:29,795 --> 00:15:31,964
- A few little details to take care of.
461
00:15:31,964 --> 00:15:32,931
- [Crow] Like your death.
462
00:15:32,931 --> 00:15:33,766
- Drink this.
463
00:15:34,633 --> 00:15:35,467
- What is it?
464
00:15:35,467 --> 00:15:36,702
- [Tom] It's Sunny D.
465
00:15:36,702 --> 00:15:38,137
- It's step number two of your preparation.
466
00:15:39,305 --> 00:15:41,040
- [Mike] It's delicious hot dog water.
467
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:42,541
- [Tom] Ew.
468
00:15:42,541 --> 00:15:45,244
- [Crow] I think he's ready to play quarters now, Doctor.
469
00:15:45,244 --> 00:15:46,512
- Good!
470
00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:48,614
(Tom singing "Mario Bros." theme music)
471
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:52,318
- Now, George, I want you to play a game.
472
00:15:52,318 --> 00:15:53,152
- Okay.
473
00:15:53,152 --> 00:15:54,653
(Tom laughing)
474
00:15:54,653 --> 00:15:57,690
- I want you to start at a hundred and count backwards.
475
00:15:57,690 --> 00:16:00,793
- [Mike] Oh man, I should've studied.
476
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:02,594
- One hundred.
477
00:16:02,594 --> 00:16:04,096
99.
478
00:16:04,096 --> 00:16:05,331
98. (laughing)
479
00:16:05,331 --> 00:16:06,031
- [Tom] Yuck, it's turning him on.
480
00:16:06,031 --> 00:16:07,299
- [Mike] Eeh.
481
00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:08,133
- 96.
482
00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:10,302
95.
483
00:16:11,403 --> 00:16:13,572
- [Mike] Oh, I have the vapors.
484
00:16:13,572 --> 00:16:15,441
- [Crow] Dr. Luigi will be assisting me here.
485
00:16:15,441 --> 00:16:17,943
- This is standard procedure.
486
00:16:17,943 --> 00:16:20,212
Let's get him ready for transference.
487
00:16:20,212 --> 00:16:24,016
- [Jameson] Yes, maybe need it sooner than expected.
488
00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:26,819
- [Tom] Sir, does he have to be nude
489
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,520
for a simple hangnail operation?
490
00:16:29,388 --> 00:16:31,623
(heart monitor beeping)
491
00:16:31,623 --> 00:16:33,492
- [Mario] Subject at standstill.
492
00:16:33,492 --> 00:16:35,427
- [Mike] First, we apply Seabreeze.
493
00:16:37,062 --> 00:16:39,398
- [Crow] I don't think he's a natural blonde, Doctor.
494
00:16:39,398 --> 00:16:41,500
(eerie music)
495
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:42,334
- [Tom] Sam!
496
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:46,271
(Mike singing "Mario Bros." theme music)
497
00:16:46,271 --> 00:16:48,040
- [Jameson] Standard density solution, please.
498
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:50,876
- [Crow] We're the FDA, we can test on whoever we want!
499
00:16:52,244 --> 00:16:54,413
- [Mike] I'm going to remove the dumb parts of you.
500
00:16:55,547 --> 00:16:56,915
- [Tom] Sir, I volunteer to put the microchip
501
00:16:56,915 --> 00:16:58,183
in his butt cheek.
502
00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:00,219
(eerie music)
503
00:17:00,219 --> 00:17:01,453
- [Crow] Would you turn down
504
00:17:01,453 --> 00:17:03,322
your stupid Brian Eno CD, Doctor?
505
00:17:03,322 --> 00:17:05,324
- [Tom] I'm testing all tempos.
506
00:17:05,324 --> 00:17:08,193
- [Mike] Room service at the Chelsea Hotel.
507
00:17:08,193 --> 00:17:10,696
(eerie music)
508
00:17:12,498 --> 00:17:13,732
- [Tom] Now don't fill him with Smuckers
509
00:17:13,732 --> 00:17:16,435
like last time, Doctor, that wasn't funny.
510
00:17:16,435 --> 00:17:17,870
- [Jameson] Clear.
511
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,805
- [Mike] Tire pressure, good, bay seven filter, good!
512
00:17:20,906 --> 00:17:22,207
- [Tom] I don't know.
513
00:17:22,207 --> 00:17:23,342
Whatever.
514
00:17:23,342 --> 00:17:24,410
I don't care.
515
00:17:25,577 --> 00:17:28,313
- [Crow] The Starbucks testing laboratory.
516
00:17:28,313 --> 00:17:30,783
(suction slurping)
517
00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:33,352
- [Tom] Ah, they're giving him the Keith Richards special.
518
00:17:33,352 --> 00:17:36,188
- [Crow] Gentlemen, we can make him dumber, blonder!
519
00:17:36,188 --> 00:17:39,458
(eerie music)
520
00:17:39,458 --> 00:17:41,293
- [Mario] Hemoglobin, three percent.
521
00:17:41,293 --> 00:17:43,228
- [Mike] "Burbank Hope."
522
00:17:43,228 --> 00:17:44,696
(opera music)
523
00:17:44,696 --> 00:17:47,332
- [Tom] Thank you, nurse, that was a nice aria.
524
00:17:47,332 --> 00:17:50,669
(heart monitor beeping)
525
00:17:52,137 --> 00:17:53,605
- [Mike] So they took the blood out of his right arm
526
00:17:53,605 --> 00:17:54,706
and put it into his left arm.
527
00:17:54,706 --> 00:17:56,108
- [Crow] I guess.
528
00:17:57,776 --> 00:17:59,645
- [Tom] Uh, Doctors, do you remember
529
00:17:59,645 --> 00:18:01,780
if we had an objective for this whole thing?
530
00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:05,617
(ominous music)
531
00:18:05,617 --> 00:18:06,552
(beeping)
532
00:18:06,552 --> 00:18:07,753
- [Crow] Oh, it's sperm races.
533
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,021
- [Tom] Woo!
534
00:18:09,021 --> 00:18:10,222
- [Mike] Ah, use a turn signal, jerk!
535
00:18:11,557 --> 00:18:13,892
(heart monitor beeping)
536
00:18:13,892 --> 00:18:15,327
- [Tom] Now this is just for your trip,
537
00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:17,196
so you'll arrive in America fresh.
538
00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:20,399
(eerie music)
539
00:18:20,399 --> 00:18:22,034
- [Mike] Please, take this body home with you.
540
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:23,936
No, we won't eat this, I'll bag this up for...
541
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:26,038
No, I'm not going to eat the whole thing.
542
00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:28,807
- [Tom] Now they take him to "Mail Boxes Etc."
543
00:18:28,807 --> 00:18:31,276
(eerie music)
544
00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:32,911
- [Jameson] Vacuum, please.
545
00:18:32,911 --> 00:18:34,613
- [Crow] You try scrubbing it out.
546
00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:38,350
- [Mike] The real story of Taco Bell.
547
00:18:38,350 --> 00:18:40,185
(Tom giggling)
548
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:43,989
- [Tom] Mmmm, fresh wood-smoked young Aryan man.
549
00:18:43,989 --> 00:18:46,658
(ominous music)
550
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:50,829
- [Crow] I forgot my toothbrush for America!
551
00:18:50,829 --> 00:18:52,798
(George screaming)
552
00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:55,100
- [Mike] I don't care fore America so far.
553
00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:56,835
(George screaming)
554
00:18:56,835 --> 00:18:58,904
- [Tom] I wanted paper, not plastic.
555
00:18:58,904 --> 00:19:00,539
- [Crow] Oh, it's some kind of social comment
556
00:19:00,539 --> 00:19:03,442
on how we bag and freeze people in America, I suppose.
557
00:19:04,676 --> 00:19:09,414
♪ They're dying in America, today ♪
558
00:19:10,616 --> 00:19:12,518
- [Tom] "Growing Up Brady," chapter one.
559
00:19:12,518 --> 00:19:14,753
- [Crow] Beach patrol's a bit lost.
560
00:19:15,921 --> 00:19:17,089
(upbeat tempo music)
561
00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:21,660
(Mike singing "Sleigh Ride" tune)
562
00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:22,895
(girl yelping)
563
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:24,396
- [Tom] Malibu Barbie is down!
564
00:19:26,865 --> 00:19:29,334
- [Crow] Oh, this is excellent cinematography, Mike.
565
00:19:31,937 --> 00:19:33,005
- [Richard] You okay?
566
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,673
- Yeah, I'm fine.
567
00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:36,108
I think I was just going too fast.
568
00:19:36,108 --> 00:19:39,144
- [Mike] I was making upwards of three miles per hour.
569
00:19:39,144 --> 00:19:40,045
- Oh.
570
00:19:40,045 --> 00:19:40,812
- You're ugly. - What?
571
00:19:42,114 --> 00:19:43,348
- Your ear.
572
00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:44,816
It's like mine, I just noticed it.
573
00:19:44,816 --> 00:19:46,618
- [Tom] Maybe because I just met you.
574
00:19:46,618 --> 00:19:47,452
- [Mike] Ew.
575
00:19:48,387 --> 00:19:49,321
- Where do you live?
576
00:19:49,321 --> 00:19:50,756
- [Crow] Later on.
577
00:19:50,756 --> 00:19:51,590
(Mike laughing)
578
00:19:51,590 --> 00:19:53,091
- Section eight.
579
00:19:53,091 --> 00:19:54,960
(Mike chuckling)
580
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:55,794
- This is Riley.
581
00:19:55,794 --> 00:19:57,262
- [Mike] Aces of Spies.
582
00:19:57,262 --> 00:20:00,198
- Two controls accidentally met on rural sector six.
583
00:20:00,198 --> 00:20:01,433
Please advise.
584
00:20:01,433 --> 00:20:03,335
- Separate them as quickly as possible.
585
00:20:03,335 --> 00:20:04,603
- [Tom] Duh, I?
586
00:20:05,971 --> 00:20:07,206
- [Jameson] What's going on?
587
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,774
- [Mario] Two control plums met accidentally.
588
00:20:08,774 --> 00:20:09,841
- [Crow] Control "plums?"
589
00:20:09,841 --> 00:20:11,276
- Did they speak? - Yes.
590
00:20:12,477 --> 00:20:13,612
- This could prove to be interesting.
591
00:20:13,612 --> 00:20:15,447
- [Mike] But I doubt it.
592
00:20:15,447 --> 00:20:18,917
- Cancel your order, we'll monitor their interaction.
593
00:20:18,917 --> 00:20:21,219
- I think we should just deprogram them.
594
00:20:21,219 --> 00:20:22,421
(Tom groaning)
595
00:20:22,421 --> 00:20:24,189
- We won't do anything but monitor them.
596
00:20:24,189 --> 00:20:25,490
See how they respond.
597
00:20:25,490 --> 00:20:26,391
- Very well.
598
00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:27,893
- [Tom] Okay.
599
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:28,760
- But if Walker finds out you're changing the pattern,
600
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:30,395
he could get angry.
601
00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:31,663
You deal with him.
602
00:20:31,663 --> 00:20:32,898
- [Tom] Ah, go eat a mushroom, Mario.
603
00:20:34,766 --> 00:20:37,803
- [Crow] Jerk, well, I'm a lot taller than him.
604
00:20:37,803 --> 00:20:40,505
(computers beeping)
605
00:20:40,505 --> 00:20:41,673
- [Mike] Get me Endora.
606
00:20:41,673 --> 00:20:44,376
(buzzing)
607
00:20:44,376 --> 00:20:45,944
- Walker.
608
00:20:45,944 --> 00:20:49,381
- [Crow] Our campus features a low gym coach to clone ratio.
609
00:20:49,381 --> 00:20:51,717
- [Richard] Today a guide was driving towards me.
610
00:20:51,717 --> 00:20:52,618
- [Mike] Wow, neat.
611
00:20:53,819 --> 00:20:55,520
- [Richard] And he drove all the way around me.
612
00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:56,922
- [Tom] It can't be true!
613
00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:59,191
- Just so I couldn't see what he was carrying.
614
00:21:00,325 --> 00:21:01,593
Has that ever happened to anyone else?
615
00:21:01,593 --> 00:21:03,962
- [Crow] Can I have your pudding?
616
00:21:03,962 --> 00:21:06,231
- [Tom] Hello, is this thing on?
617
00:21:06,231 --> 00:21:08,734
- Doesn't anyone think that's a little strange?
618
00:21:08,734 --> 00:21:10,736
- [Mike] Uh, Bob, do you wanna move to a different table?
619
00:21:10,736 --> 00:21:12,904
- Guides may do strange things sometimes.
620
00:21:12,904 --> 00:21:15,073
- [Tom] Inside the RAND Corporation.
621
00:21:15,073 --> 00:21:17,909
- Because they have to watch out for many things for us.
622
00:21:17,909 --> 00:21:19,144
- Like what?
623
00:21:19,144 --> 00:21:21,279
- [Mike] Like this tuna wiggle recipe.
624
00:21:21,279 --> 00:21:22,414
- I don't know.
625
00:21:22,414 --> 00:21:23,649
Maybe so we don't get hurt.
626
00:21:23,649 --> 00:21:25,751
- [Tom] Look, I'm just Scott Baio.
627
00:21:25,751 --> 00:21:27,285
- It's easy to get hurt.
628
00:21:27,285 --> 00:21:28,720
- [Crow] Like when I got my butt caught in the toaster.
629
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:30,589
- Yeah but they're always talking to somebody
630
00:21:30,589 --> 00:21:32,457
and there's nobody there.
631
00:21:32,457 --> 00:21:34,760
Who are they talking to?
632
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:35,694
- Who knows?
633
00:21:35,694 --> 00:21:36,528
Eat.
634
00:21:36,528 --> 00:21:38,030
- [Tom] Me.
635
00:21:38,030 --> 00:21:38,864
Sorry.
636
00:21:43,035 --> 00:21:45,003
- [Mike] Aah, that was a good loose meat sandwich.
637
00:21:45,003 --> 00:21:47,239
- Wanna run before the class?
638
00:21:47,239 --> 00:21:48,774
- No thanks.
639
00:21:48,774 --> 00:21:51,510
- [Crow] I'm gonna go hem up my shorts a little more.
640
00:21:51,510 --> 00:21:52,577
(Tom giggling)
641
00:21:52,577 --> 00:21:54,112
- Where you going?
642
00:21:54,112 --> 00:21:54,946
- [Mike] Hey, cram it, Hal, you weren't interested, okay?
643
00:21:54,946 --> 00:21:56,281
- To be by myself.
644
00:21:58,750 --> 00:21:59,985
- Why?
645
00:21:59,985 --> 00:22:01,053
- [Crow] Oh, that guy's the class clown.
646
00:22:01,053 --> 00:22:02,854
Love that guy. (somber music)
647
00:22:02,854 --> 00:22:07,259
♪ Rivers belong where they can ramble ♪
648
00:22:07,259 --> 00:22:08,226
- [Mike] Pippin.
649
00:22:08,226 --> 00:22:09,027
- [Tom] Yeah.
650
00:22:10,362 --> 00:22:12,531
- [Crow] He's like a sensitive Steve Guttenberg.
651
00:22:13,432 --> 00:22:14,332
(Tom vocalizing glass breaking)
652
00:22:14,332 --> 00:22:15,801
- [Tom] Damn kids!
653
00:22:15,801 --> 00:22:18,136
(somber music)
654
00:22:18,136 --> 00:22:19,638
- [Mike] Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna do it.
655
00:22:19,638 --> 00:22:22,140
I'm gonna start a band called "Air Supply."
656
00:22:24,576 --> 00:22:27,379
- [Crow] Aah, have some sun, my little friend.
657
00:22:28,313 --> 00:22:29,681
♪ I'm all out of lunch
658
00:22:29,681 --> 00:22:30,649
- [Tom] No.
659
00:22:30,649 --> 00:22:32,150
♪ I'm all out of breath
660
00:22:32,150 --> 00:22:35,087
♪ I'm all out of Africa
661
00:22:35,087 --> 00:22:36,254
- [Crowd] Air Supply.
662
00:22:36,254 --> 00:22:37,989
- [Tom] I don't know.
663
00:22:39,991 --> 00:22:42,360
- [Mike] The beer can struggles upstream to spawn.
664
00:22:44,930 --> 00:22:47,599
- [Crow] His feet are making a Don Martin noise.
665
00:22:47,599 --> 00:22:49,034
"Spolt, spolt."
666
00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:50,435
- [Mike] Yeah, I gotta get to the can.
667
00:22:50,435 --> 00:22:51,903
- [Tom] D'oh!
668
00:22:51,903 --> 00:22:54,406
I find so many neat things here at Love Canal.
669
00:22:55,707 --> 00:22:57,609
(somber music)
670
00:22:57,609 --> 00:22:58,810
- [Mike] The little bushman didn't know
671
00:22:58,810 --> 00:22:59,978
what to make of the can.
672
00:23:01,413 --> 00:23:03,982
- [Crow] Wow, snowmobilers must've come through there.
673
00:23:05,517 --> 00:23:06,918
- [Mike] I like bugs.
674
00:23:06,918 --> 00:23:08,453
(Tom chuckling)
675
00:23:08,453 --> 00:23:11,356
- [Tom] Wow, I guess I got a beer can collection now.
676
00:23:11,356 --> 00:23:12,657
- [Mike] Let's see, what am I thinking?
677
00:23:12,657 --> 00:23:14,459
Uh, "duh," that's right.
678
00:23:14,459 --> 00:23:16,027
(whooshing)
679
00:23:16,027 --> 00:23:17,729
(mechanical thudding)
680
00:23:17,729 --> 00:23:19,931
(beeping)
681
00:23:19,931 --> 00:23:22,100
(buzzing)
682
00:23:23,635 --> 00:23:26,805
(mechanical whooshing)
683
00:23:26,805 --> 00:23:28,240
(Crow chuckling)
684
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:29,775
- Hey, I wonder how things are going down there
685
00:23:29,775 --> 00:23:31,042
for them guys.
686
00:23:31,042 --> 00:23:31,977
- They're probably all sitting around
687
00:23:31,977 --> 00:23:33,411
on their butts play Candy Land.
688
00:23:33,411 --> 00:23:35,480
(laughing)
689
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:36,681
- One, two, three.
690
00:23:36,681 --> 00:23:38,049
One, two, three!
691
00:23:38,049 --> 00:23:39,584
- Grandma Pearl, I have to go.
692
00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:41,153
- I'm not your grandma.
693
00:23:41,153 --> 00:23:43,955
Besides, going is for babies.
694
00:23:43,955 --> 00:23:47,926
- Hey, you moved that, I saw, Uncle Brain Guy.
695
00:23:47,926 --> 00:23:50,128
- Can you back that up, shrimp?
696
00:23:51,496 --> 00:23:53,765
- Nana, nana, boo-boo, you're in a chocolate lake.
697
00:23:53,765 --> 00:23:56,635
- Okay, I'm in a chocolate lake!
698
00:23:56,635 --> 00:23:57,869
My own personal hell.
699
00:23:58,970 --> 00:24:00,172
- Hey, Uncle Brain Guy?
700
00:24:00,172 --> 00:24:01,840
Why do you always carry that salad bowl
701
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:03,675
with a wrinkled ball in it?
702
00:24:03,675 --> 00:24:05,911
- Because I don't like you.
703
00:24:05,911 --> 00:24:07,979
- Grandma Pearl, it's your turn!
704
00:24:07,979 --> 00:24:09,247
- Yeah?
705
00:24:09,247 --> 00:24:11,850
Well Grandma Pearl says it's butt-kicking time.
706
00:24:13,285 --> 00:24:16,121
- Okay, we're having some fun, aren't we, sport, huh?
707
00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:18,323
Okay, let's throw Bobo the ball there, huh?
708
00:24:18,323 --> 00:24:19,324
You ready?
709
00:24:19,324 --> 00:24:20,325
Here we go.
710
00:24:20,325 --> 00:24:21,493
(groaning) (laughing)
711
00:24:21,493 --> 00:24:22,327
Oh, jeez.
712
00:24:23,528 --> 00:24:26,465
Happened to catch Tanta Bobo in the upper thigh.
713
00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:29,034
- Throw it to me again, Tanta Bobo!
714
00:24:29,034 --> 00:24:31,603
- I will, you delightful Muppet.
715
00:24:31,603 --> 00:24:32,571
Here we go, okay.
716
00:24:33,839 --> 00:24:35,006
Right in there.
717
00:24:35,006 --> 00:24:36,241
(groaning) (laughing)
718
00:24:36,241 --> 00:24:38,076
Oh, jeez, right in the tender vittles.
719
00:24:38,076 --> 00:24:39,344
- You're fun, Tanta Bobo.
720
00:24:39,344 --> 00:24:42,180
- Yes, well, Tanta Bobo has to go see
721
00:24:42,180 --> 00:24:43,782
Uncle Reconstructive Eurologist.
722
00:24:44,950 --> 00:24:47,319
(giggling)
723
00:24:47,319 --> 00:24:48,153
- Oh.
724
00:24:48,153 --> 00:24:50,722
(upbeat music)
725
00:24:55,660 --> 00:24:57,295
- [Crow] Boys and girls, today's film is called,
726
00:24:57,295 --> 00:24:59,564
"Virginity: Your Precious Gift."
727
00:25:01,299 --> 00:25:02,500
(crowd applauding)
728
00:25:02,500 --> 00:25:04,202
- [Tom] Ladies and gentlemen, Pat Boone.
729
00:25:05,370 --> 00:25:07,038
- [Mike] Welcome to "Bewitched-a-palooza!"
730
00:25:07,038 --> 00:25:08,673
- [Tom] Woo!
731
00:25:08,673 --> 00:25:09,808
- Good afternoon.
732
00:25:09,808 --> 00:25:10,976
- [Audience] Good afternoon!
733
00:25:10,976 --> 00:25:12,477
- [Crow] Good afternoon.
734
00:25:12,477 --> 00:25:16,114
- Now who knows what lesson we're going to have today?
735
00:25:17,015 --> 00:25:18,850
- [Mike] Yes, no, oh.
736
00:25:18,850 --> 00:25:20,352
- That's right.
737
00:25:20,352 --> 00:25:22,754
But before have Lesson 10--
738
00:25:22,754 --> 00:25:24,022
- [Crow] We will offer a sign of peace.
739
00:25:24,022 --> 00:25:25,891
- Who can tell us about the others?
740
00:25:25,891 --> 00:25:27,259
- [Crow] Oh, oh, Mr. Kotter!
741
00:25:27,259 --> 00:25:28,126
Mr. Kotter!
742
00:25:29,694 --> 00:25:32,197
- In Lesson Number One, we learned about when we were babies
743
00:25:32,197 --> 00:25:34,900
and in Lesson Number Two,
744
00:25:34,900 --> 00:25:36,635
we heard about animals.
745
00:25:37,535 --> 00:25:39,304
No, that was Number three.
746
00:25:39,304 --> 00:25:40,505
- [Tom] Oh man.
747
00:25:40,505 --> 00:25:41,773
- [Man] In Number Two we learned about--
748
00:25:41,773 --> 00:25:42,974
- [Crow] Ha, "number two."
749
00:25:42,974 --> 00:25:46,111
- How food is grown and all about our home.
750
00:25:46,111 --> 00:25:47,045
- Well done.
751
00:25:47,045 --> 00:25:48,580
- [Mike] For a total spaz.
752
00:25:48,580 --> 00:25:50,482
- Well now, I think we're ready for today's lesson.
753
00:25:50,482 --> 00:25:53,318
So just sit back and relax.
754
00:25:53,318 --> 00:25:56,054
- [Tom] And now a tribute to Dr. Bombay.
755
00:25:56,054 --> 00:25:57,756
(pleasant music)
756
00:25:57,756 --> 00:25:59,624
- [Mike] Hey, Darrin, down in front!
757
00:25:59,624 --> 00:26:00,892
- [Crow] Down in front!
758
00:26:00,892 --> 00:26:02,627
- [Woman Narrator] You enter America.
759
00:26:03,795 --> 00:26:06,531
First, a party with all your friends there
760
00:26:06,531 --> 00:26:08,066
to wish you good luck.
761
00:26:08,066 --> 00:26:09,334
- [Tom] A giant clam!
762
00:26:09,334 --> 00:26:10,769
- [Mike] Ah!
763
00:26:10,769 --> 00:26:11,970
- [Woman Narrator] Next, you'll be escorted by a guide
764
00:26:11,970 --> 00:26:14,639
past the door of the round building,
765
00:26:14,639 --> 00:26:17,542
the entranceway to America.
766
00:26:17,542 --> 00:26:21,379
This is the ultimate answer, the ideal.
767
00:26:21,379 --> 00:26:22,547
This is what you've all--
768
00:26:22,547 --> 00:26:24,282
- [Mike] The cast of "Godspell."
769
00:26:24,282 --> 00:26:26,885
- [Woman Narrator] America, the land of beauty,
770
00:26:26,885 --> 00:26:29,721
where all your dreams will come true.
771
00:26:29,721 --> 00:26:30,555
- [Mike] America.
772
00:26:30,555 --> 00:26:31,823
- [Tom] Oh, America.
773
00:26:31,823 --> 00:26:33,224
- [Woman Narrator] You have all been trained.
774
00:26:33,224 --> 00:26:34,759
America,
775
00:26:34,759 --> 00:26:38,697
the happiness of your new world forever, forever, forever!
776
00:26:38,697 --> 00:26:40,498
- [Tom] Oh, they blew their budget on the echo chamber.
777
00:26:40,498 --> 00:26:41,800
(applauding)
778
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:44,035
- [Crow] America not available in some areas.
779
00:26:44,035 --> 00:26:46,137
(applauding)
780
00:26:46,137 --> 00:26:47,372
- [Mike] Thank you,
781
00:26:47,372 --> 00:26:49,074
we'll now begin the Aunt Clara symposium.
782
00:26:49,074 --> 00:26:50,575
- Does anyone have any questions?
783
00:26:50,575 --> 00:26:52,978
- [Tom] Yeah, are you and Dick York friends?
784
00:26:52,978 --> 00:26:53,812
- Yes, Richard?
785
00:26:55,613 --> 00:26:58,316
- Dr. Jameson, I found something today
786
00:26:58,316 --> 00:27:00,552
that I think might be from America.
787
00:27:00,552 --> 00:27:02,587
It was floating in the river.
788
00:27:02,587 --> 00:27:03,521
- What is it?
789
00:27:03,521 --> 00:27:04,756
- [Crow] It's a Gambino, sir.
790
00:27:05,924 --> 00:27:07,459
- [Mike] Future anchorman, there.
791
00:27:09,294 --> 00:27:12,030
- [Tom] We chipped in and got you this beer.
792
00:27:12,030 --> 00:27:14,032
- This is not from America.
793
00:27:14,032 --> 00:27:15,500
It comes from the river.
794
00:27:15,500 --> 00:27:17,969
- [Crow] What, where you cloned from a sack of doorknobs?
795
00:27:17,969 --> 00:27:20,238
- I'll just keep it for the museum.
796
00:27:20,238 --> 00:27:21,706
- But it's mine.
797
00:27:21,706 --> 00:27:22,874
- [Mike] You wanna watch "Sonny & Cher" tonight, young man?
798
00:27:22,874 --> 00:27:26,044
- Richard, this belongs to all of us.
799
00:27:26,044 --> 00:27:27,645
- [Tom] Dick Sargent, Communist.
800
00:27:27,645 --> 00:27:28,480
- [Mike] Oooh.
801
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:30,081
- Well, that's it.
802
00:27:30,081 --> 00:27:31,449
Good afternoon, all.
803
00:27:31,449 --> 00:27:33,118
If you have any further questions,
804
00:27:33,118 --> 00:27:34,853
please go to the confessional.
805
00:27:34,853 --> 00:27:36,755
(audience applauding)
806
00:27:36,755 --> 00:27:38,690
- [Crow] Stop that man, he has my can!
807
00:27:41,993 --> 00:27:44,896
- [Mike] Dick Sargent is the Bionic Woman.
808
00:27:44,896 --> 00:27:47,132
- Find out how this got through the water valves
809
00:27:47,132 --> 00:27:49,801
and who the hell was in charge of cleanup?
810
00:27:49,801 --> 00:27:51,102
I want them out of here!
811
00:27:51,102 --> 00:27:52,370
- [Crow] Mr. York?
812
00:27:52,370 --> 00:27:54,472
- [Mike] Mr. York, will you sign this, Mr. York?
813
00:27:56,875 --> 00:27:59,344
- [Crow] Line up to hear Firefall's latest hit.
814
00:28:00,879 --> 00:28:03,481
(somber music)
815
00:28:08,586 --> 00:28:09,954
- [Female Voice] How may we help you?
816
00:28:09,954 --> 00:28:11,156
- I have a question.
817
00:28:11,156 --> 00:28:12,757
- [Mike] I'll hang up and listen.
818
00:28:12,757 --> 00:28:17,629
- What does M-I-L-W-A-U-K-E-E spell?
819
00:28:17,629 --> 00:28:18,563
- [Female Voice] Please wait.
820
00:28:18,563 --> 00:28:20,532
- [Tom] It spells $2.99 a case.
821
00:28:22,267 --> 00:28:25,236
- [Female Voice] M-I-L-W-A-U-K-E-E
822
00:28:25,236 --> 00:28:27,706
appears to be some sort of nonsense spelling.
823
00:28:27,706 --> 00:28:30,608
- [Mike] Oh, it's Microsoft Spell Check by Phone.
824
00:28:30,608 --> 00:28:33,278
- Dr. Jameson told me it could be found in the river.
825
00:28:34,479 --> 00:28:35,713
- [Female Voiceover] One moment, please.
826
00:28:35,713 --> 00:28:38,183
- [Tom] Dr. Jameson is a big, dumb phony.
827
00:28:38,183 --> 00:28:39,684
- [Female Voiceover] There is a rare kind of mineral
828
00:28:39,684 --> 00:28:42,053
that is called "Milwaukee."
829
00:28:42,053 --> 00:28:45,156
It can only be found in certain parts of the river.
830
00:28:45,156 --> 00:28:46,691
- [Mike] Uh, do you buy that?
831
00:28:46,691 --> 00:28:48,827
- Can it be found in America?
832
00:28:48,827 --> 00:28:50,962
- [Female Voice] No, it can not.
833
00:28:50,962 --> 00:28:52,831
Is there anything else?
834
00:28:52,831 --> 00:28:54,232
- [Crow] Charles Van Dorken.
835
00:28:55,567 --> 00:28:58,369
- [Tom] They need better funding for their language lab.
836
00:28:58,369 --> 00:29:00,538
- [Female Voice] I'm glad we could help you.
837
00:29:02,674 --> 00:29:04,175
(Crow chuckling)
838
00:29:04,175 --> 00:29:07,779
- [Crow] You'd get better exercise sitting on a couch.
839
00:29:07,779 --> 00:29:09,881
- [Mike] Daddy, Rex Tree, the Lumpy Man!
840
00:29:09,881 --> 00:29:12,016
(Crow and Tom laughing)
841
00:29:12,016 --> 00:29:13,251
- [Crow] The "go as slow as you can
842
00:29:13,251 --> 00:29:15,019
"without tipping over" race.
843
00:29:15,019 --> 00:29:17,155
(Tom giggling)
844
00:29:17,155 --> 00:29:19,924
(pleasant music)
845
00:29:20,792 --> 00:29:22,093
- [Mike] A separate piece...
846
00:29:22,093 --> 00:29:23,061
Of crap!
847
00:29:23,061 --> 00:29:24,796
(Tom laughing)
848
00:29:24,796 --> 00:29:25,897
- [Tom] Oh hi, Richard!
849
00:29:25,897 --> 00:29:26,731
- [Crow] Hey, Richard!
850
00:29:26,731 --> 00:29:27,665
- [Mike] Hi, Richard!
851
00:29:29,734 --> 00:29:31,102
- [Tom] The rare tree dork.
852
00:29:34,105 --> 00:29:35,740
- [Crow] Thanks for the subpoena.
853
00:29:37,075 --> 00:29:39,043
- [Mike] "Parts: The Visible Panty Line Horror."
854
00:29:39,043 --> 00:29:40,044
- [Tom] Ugh.
855
00:29:41,479 --> 00:29:43,515
- [Crow] The clone yards of Ernest and Julio Gallo.
856
00:29:44,816 --> 00:29:46,451
- [Mike] We're done picking dirt.
857
00:29:47,752 --> 00:29:50,088
- [Tom] I guess Bing Crosby was selling hats.
858
00:29:52,357 --> 00:29:56,194
- [Crow] It says, "Please help me down from this tree."
859
00:29:56,194 --> 00:29:58,062
- [Tom] Oh, a lock of his back hair.
860
00:30:00,732 --> 00:30:02,400
- [Mike] "Would you like to share a quarter can
861
00:30:02,400 --> 00:30:04,402
"of water Old Mill with me?"
862
00:30:05,270 --> 00:30:08,773
(birds chirping)
863
00:30:08,773 --> 00:30:11,609
- [Tom] Oh, it's the refund for my nose job, good.
864
00:30:11,609 --> 00:30:12,911
- [Crow] Tome Jones, here.
865
00:30:15,914 --> 00:30:18,883
- [Mike] Okay, people, time to harvest more ticks.
866
00:30:18,883 --> 00:30:20,051
(whistle blowing)
867
00:30:20,051 --> 00:30:21,953
- [Tom] Bozo Circus is on the air!
868
00:30:21,953 --> 00:30:23,922
(singing circus tune)
869
00:30:23,922 --> 00:30:25,623
- [Lena] Hello, I'm Lena.
870
00:30:25,623 --> 00:30:26,891
- [Richard] I'm Richard.
871
00:30:26,891 --> 00:30:27,959
- [Crow] I'm Richard, I gotta remember that.
872
00:30:27,959 --> 00:30:29,627
I'm so bad with names.
873
00:30:29,627 --> 00:30:33,198
(crickets chirping)
874
00:30:33,198 --> 00:30:36,634
- [Mike] The scene was lit by an Indiglo watch apparently.
875
00:30:37,969 --> 00:30:38,937
- Hey.
876
00:30:38,937 --> 00:30:39,904
- [Tom] Kiss me, you feeb.
877
00:30:39,904 --> 00:30:41,172
- Why did you ask me here?
878
00:30:41,172 --> 00:30:42,674
- Because I wanted to talk to you.
879
00:30:42,674 --> 00:30:44,375
From the first day we met,
880
00:30:44,375 --> 00:30:46,744
I knew there was something different about you.
881
00:30:46,744 --> 00:30:47,579
- [Mike Deep Voice] There is?
882
00:30:47,579 --> 00:30:48,646
- You know what it is?
883
00:30:48,646 --> 00:30:49,781
Your eyes.
884
00:30:49,781 --> 00:30:51,015
They're so alive.
885
00:30:51,015 --> 00:30:52,884
- [Crow] Your nose, so truncated.
886
00:30:52,884 --> 00:30:54,452
- You know, I noticed the difference too.
887
00:30:54,452 --> 00:30:55,720
I mean, you're not like my friends.
888
00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:56,854
- [Tom] You're more icky.
889
00:30:56,854 --> 00:30:58,556
- Yours like mine, Richard.
890
00:30:58,556 --> 00:30:59,824
Why?
891
00:30:59,824 --> 00:31:01,926
- I don't know, Lena, I asked the confessional
892
00:31:01,926 --> 00:31:04,495
and it just said that it was all part of the plan.
893
00:31:04,495 --> 00:31:05,964
- [Mike] Like Dan Fogelberg said.
894
00:31:05,964 --> 00:31:06,931
- Yeah, me too.
895
00:31:08,433 --> 00:31:09,300
- Hey.
896
00:31:09,300 --> 00:31:10,235
- What?
897
00:31:10,235 --> 00:31:11,402
- It's getting a little cold.
898
00:31:11,402 --> 00:31:13,304
How about some firewood and a fire?
899
00:31:13,304 --> 00:31:15,106
- [Crow] Mmm, she burns good.
900
00:31:15,106 --> 00:31:16,407
- [Richard] How long before you leave?
901
00:31:16,407 --> 00:31:17,642
- [Tom] Later on.
902
00:31:17,642 --> 00:31:19,143
- For America?
903
00:31:19,143 --> 00:31:19,978
Oh, I don't know.
904
00:31:20,879 --> 00:31:22,146
- [Mike] Watch your head there.
905
00:31:22,146 --> 00:31:23,982
- We go when it's time and when we're ready.
906
00:31:23,982 --> 00:31:25,383
- Yeah, that's what they tell us.
907
00:31:25,383 --> 00:31:26,217
Constantly.
908
00:31:27,652 --> 00:31:29,287
Where do you work, Lena?
909
00:31:29,287 --> 00:31:31,055
- I work in the (muffled word).
910
00:31:31,055 --> 00:31:32,290
- Huh? - Oh, I like it, it's nice.
911
00:31:32,290 --> 00:31:33,391
- [Mike] I like the (gibberish word).
912
00:31:33,391 --> 00:31:35,193
- Gives me time to write.
913
00:31:35,193 --> 00:31:36,527
- Write?
914
00:31:36,527 --> 00:31:38,296
- Yeah, I write my thoughts and my ideas.
915
00:31:38,296 --> 00:31:39,530
- [Crow] I've already filled a Post-it note.
916
00:31:39,530 --> 00:31:41,366
- It was my special place for writing.
917
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:43,368
- It was?
918
00:31:43,368 --> 00:31:44,502
- [Tom] I'm not listening.
919
00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:47,605
- What's wrong?
920
00:31:47,605 --> 00:31:49,107
- Nothing's wrong.
921
00:31:49,107 --> 00:31:50,775
- Oh, come on, Lena, don't be like everyone else.
922
00:31:50,775 --> 00:31:52,377
You can tell me what's wrong. - Big slab.
923
00:31:52,377 --> 00:31:54,812
- Richard, we are not supposed to be talking like this.
924
00:31:54,812 --> 00:31:57,248
They told me it was not important.
925
00:31:57,248 --> 00:31:58,850
- What's not important?
926
00:31:58,850 --> 00:32:00,385
- [Crow] My gosh you're ugly.
927
00:32:01,886 --> 00:32:03,121
- His name was Allan
928
00:32:04,322 --> 00:32:06,524
and we met in compound four when we were 16.
929
00:32:06,524 --> 00:32:08,192
- [Mike] When I had a nose.
930
00:32:08,192 --> 00:32:09,460
- You know, he's beautiful, Richard.
931
00:32:09,460 --> 00:32:11,095
- [Tom] Not like you.
932
00:32:11,095 --> 00:32:13,197
- His hair was like the sun and his eye were green.
933
00:32:13,197 --> 00:32:14,699
No, he really was beautiful.
934
00:32:14,699 --> 00:32:16,634
- [Crow] There was this thing one time, I saw it.
935
00:32:16,634 --> 00:32:18,036
Boy, it was really neat too.
936
00:32:19,337 --> 00:32:22,340
- I never heard anybody talk like that before.
937
00:32:22,340 --> 00:32:23,641
- Oh, I'm sorry, then I won't--
938
00:32:23,641 --> 00:32:25,109
- No, go on.
939
00:32:25,109 --> 00:32:28,546
- [Tom] I love it when you talk about your other boyfriend.
940
00:32:28,546 --> 00:32:30,114
- He was a friend.
941
00:32:30,114 --> 00:32:31,282
I mean, we were in love.
942
00:32:31,282 --> 00:32:32,784
- [Crow] Right.
943
00:32:32,784 --> 00:32:33,951
- And when it came time for him to go to America,
944
00:32:33,951 --> 00:32:35,053
we asked if he could stay.
945
00:32:35,053 --> 00:32:35,920
- [Crow] Oh sure, sure.
946
00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:37,121
- They said no.
947
00:32:37,121 --> 00:32:38,623
And we asked if I could go and they said no
948
00:32:38,623 --> 00:32:40,992
and finally they said he didn't have to go at all.
949
00:32:40,992 --> 00:32:42,193
- [Crow] Uh-huh.
950
00:32:42,193 --> 00:32:43,695
- And?
951
00:32:43,695 --> 00:32:45,863
- And he disappeared.
952
00:32:45,863 --> 00:32:47,098
- [Crow] Huh?
953
00:32:47,098 --> 00:32:48,266
- No one knows anything, not even his roommate.
954
00:32:48,266 --> 00:32:49,734
- [Mike] Let's crack the Pringles.
955
00:32:49,734 --> 00:32:51,803
- What must be must be.
956
00:32:51,803 --> 00:32:52,970
- Don't you get tired of hearing that?
957
00:32:52,970 --> 00:32:54,372
- [Crow] They're at EST camp.
958
00:32:56,307 --> 00:32:57,575
- [Lena] What's wrong?
959
00:32:57,575 --> 00:32:59,210
- I've never heard anyone say that.
960
00:32:59,210 --> 00:33:00,978
I mean, I've thought of that.
961
00:33:00,978 --> 00:33:02,180
- [Tom] I think.
962
00:33:02,180 --> 00:33:03,514
- But I've never heard anyone say it.
963
00:33:03,514 --> 00:33:06,384
Everyone here believes what must be must be.
964
00:33:06,384 --> 00:33:07,652
- Richard, stop!
965
00:33:07,652 --> 00:33:10,188
We're not supposed to be talking like that.
966
00:33:10,188 --> 00:33:12,357
- Why? There's nobody within miles of us.
967
00:33:12,357 --> 00:33:14,192
- [Mike] I used "agree" today.
968
00:33:14,192 --> 00:33:15,893
- You know, you're right.
969
00:33:15,893 --> 00:33:17,128
(Tom chuckling)
970
00:33:17,128 --> 00:33:18,196
- You know, Lena?
971
00:33:18,196 --> 00:33:19,130
- What?
972
00:33:19,130 --> 00:33:20,331
- I love it when you laugh.
973
00:33:20,331 --> 00:33:21,766
- [Crow] Boy, if only you had a nose.
974
00:33:22,633 --> 00:33:23,468
- I like you.
975
00:33:23,468 --> 00:33:25,336
- [Tom] You have skin.
976
00:33:25,336 --> 00:33:27,672
(pleasant music)
977
00:33:27,672 --> 00:33:29,741
- I like you a lot.
978
00:33:29,741 --> 00:33:31,809
- [Mike] Look at that, he has really feminine hands.
979
00:33:31,809 --> 00:33:33,778
(Crow laughing)
980
00:33:33,778 --> 00:33:36,681
- [Crow] Shouldn't we wrestle and slap each other now?
981
00:33:36,681 --> 00:33:39,283
(upbeat music)
982
00:33:44,756 --> 00:33:46,758
- [Mike] I guess I gotta go a little easier next time.
983
00:33:46,758 --> 00:33:48,292
- You know, right before I met you,
984
00:33:48,292 --> 00:33:51,863
I found a piece of metal and it had a word on it.
985
00:33:51,863 --> 00:33:54,565
- [Tom] Only you can prevent groin fires.
986
00:33:54,565 --> 00:33:55,733
- "Milwaukee."
987
00:33:57,001 --> 00:33:59,170
And I asked... - Wow.
988
00:33:59,170 --> 00:34:01,739
- If it came from America and they said no.
989
00:34:01,739 --> 00:34:02,974
- [Crow] Hmmm.
990
00:34:02,974 --> 00:34:04,108
- And then I asked the confessional
991
00:34:05,276 --> 00:34:07,845
and it said it was a plant from the ocean.
992
00:34:07,845 --> 00:34:10,314
- [Crow] She really was on top of Ol' Smokey, huh?
993
00:34:10,314 --> 00:34:11,582
(Tom chuckling)
994
00:34:11,582 --> 00:34:13,084
- You know, when I was a little girl
995
00:34:13,084 --> 00:34:15,119
and I lived in the north section, I saw something.
996
00:34:15,119 --> 00:34:16,587
- [Mike] Wow, that's amazing.
997
00:34:17,455 --> 00:34:19,390
- One day, I was out playing
998
00:34:19,390 --> 00:34:21,092
and I saw one of the guide cars.
999
00:34:21,092 --> 00:34:22,593
- [Tom] Really?
1000
00:34:22,593 --> 00:34:23,528
- And there was something there that was covered,
1001
00:34:23,528 --> 00:34:26,197
so I was curious and a peeked.
1002
00:34:26,197 --> 00:34:27,465
- [Richard] And?
1003
00:34:27,465 --> 00:34:28,633
- [Tom] She looks like Henry Silva in a wig.
1004
00:34:28,633 --> 00:34:30,835
- I saw one of the older members, Richard.
1005
00:34:30,835 --> 00:34:32,069
He was very still.
1006
00:34:32,069 --> 00:34:34,238
- [Mike] She fell asleep on dermabrasion wheel.
1007
00:34:34,238 --> 00:34:35,540
- [Crow] Ow.
1008
00:34:35,540 --> 00:34:36,641
- And they said he was asleep,
1009
00:34:36,641 --> 00:34:39,076
that sleep was very important.
1010
00:34:39,076 --> 00:34:40,978
But I'll never forget how odd it looked.
1011
00:34:40,978 --> 00:34:42,380
- [Tom] Do you like paper?
1012
00:34:42,380 --> 00:34:43,614
- We've gotta find out more.
1013
00:34:43,614 --> 00:34:45,116
- No.
1014
00:34:45,116 --> 00:34:46,551
I'm frightened.
1015
00:34:46,551 --> 00:34:48,085
- I am too.
1016
00:34:48,085 --> 00:34:49,620
But something's not right.
1017
00:34:51,022 --> 00:34:53,224
Unanswered questions, Lena, have to be answered.
1018
00:34:53,224 --> 00:34:55,927
- Richard, no, please.
1019
00:34:55,927 --> 00:34:57,995
I am frightened, you don't understand that.
1020
00:34:57,995 --> 00:34:59,464
- It'll be okay.
1021
00:34:59,464 --> 00:35:00,832
- [Mike] Come on, let's put out our flaming crotches
1022
00:35:00,832 --> 00:35:01,899
and we'll find your nose.
1023
00:35:01,899 --> 00:35:02,733
- Hey.
1024
00:35:03,668 --> 00:35:04,502
Trust me.
1025
00:35:04,502 --> 00:35:05,736
- [Crow] After all,
1026
00:35:05,736 --> 00:35:07,071
I look like the guy on "Three's Company."
1027
00:35:07,071 --> 00:35:08,339
- [Richard] Okay?
1028
00:35:08,339 --> 00:35:10,875
- [Mike] Is your face made out of clay or...
1029
00:35:10,875 --> 00:35:12,410
- Okay.
1030
00:35:12,410 --> 00:35:14,946
- [Tom] Now let's help Jack and Krissy move that couch.
1031
00:35:15,947 --> 00:35:17,115
(gunshot booming) - Ow!
1032
00:35:18,282 --> 00:35:22,820
(Mike, Crow and Tom huffing and groaning)
1033
00:35:24,188 --> 00:35:25,923
- [Mike] Des Moines Olympics are kind of a letdown,
1034
00:35:25,923 --> 00:35:27,358
aren't they?
1035
00:35:27,358 --> 00:35:28,826
- Richard.
1036
00:35:28,826 --> 00:35:30,361
Are you okay?
1037
00:35:30,361 --> 00:35:31,295
- I'm fine.
1038
00:35:31,295 --> 00:35:32,230
- [Crow] I'm just a puss.
1039
00:35:32,230 --> 00:35:33,598
- I see, well you slowed down.
1040
00:35:33,598 --> 00:35:35,633
I thought maybe it was your ankle or something.
1041
00:35:35,633 --> 00:35:37,668
- No, I just slowed down.
1042
00:35:37,668 --> 00:35:38,636
- I don't understand.
1043
00:35:38,636 --> 00:35:40,705
You can't just slow down.
1044
00:35:40,705 --> 00:35:42,607
When you're in a race you have to win.
1045
00:35:43,774 --> 00:35:44,909
- Why?
1046
00:35:44,909 --> 00:35:46,377
- Why?
1047
00:35:46,377 --> 00:35:47,612
What kind of a question is that?
1048
00:35:47,612 --> 00:35:49,213
- [Tom] I'm just your Time Life operator.
1049
00:35:49,213 --> 00:35:51,048
- Why get involved in a race at all
1050
00:35:51,048 --> 00:35:52,283
if you're not gonna give it all you've got?
1051
00:35:52,283 --> 00:35:54,018
- [Mike] Was this an after school special?
1052
00:35:54,018 --> 00:35:55,786
- I gave it all I wanted to give.
1053
00:35:55,786 --> 00:35:57,388
I just didn't feel like winning.
1054
00:35:58,256 --> 00:36:00,024
- I'll have to report this.
1055
00:36:00,024 --> 00:36:01,158
- To who?
1056
00:36:01,158 --> 00:36:02,560
- [Crow] To the council of loser clones.
1057
00:36:02,560 --> 00:36:03,794
- I'll have to report that too.
1058
00:36:03,794 --> 00:36:06,464
- [Tom] It's starting to stack up.
1059
00:36:06,464 --> 00:36:08,099
- Can I go now?
1060
00:36:08,099 --> 00:36:09,534
- Sure you can go.
1061
00:36:09,534 --> 00:36:11,235
- [Mike] Yeah, report my ass.
1062
00:36:11,235 --> 00:36:13,704
- [Tom] This is one of the 12 Steve Prefontaine movies
1063
00:36:13,704 --> 00:36:15,373
being released this year.
1064
00:36:15,373 --> 00:36:16,207
It's great.
1065
00:36:17,241 --> 00:36:19,043
- [Mike] "Crotch Fires and You."
1066
00:36:20,511 --> 00:36:23,447
- [Tom] Let's see, "Jake Cardigan pulled his hovercraft."
1067
00:36:24,549 --> 00:36:27,218
(ominous music)
1068
00:36:28,719 --> 00:36:31,622
- [Mike] Did I finish those cheese curls?
1069
00:36:31,622 --> 00:36:33,357
- [Tom] Doo, doo, doo.
1070
00:36:33,357 --> 00:36:34,926
(gasping)
1071
00:36:34,926 --> 00:36:36,394
- [Crow] I'm coming, Elizabeth.
1072
00:36:36,394 --> 00:36:37,328
I'm coming.
1073
00:36:37,328 --> 00:36:38,896
Elizabeth, I'm coming.
1074
00:36:38,896 --> 00:36:40,131
- [Mike] Feels like an elephant clone
1075
00:36:40,131 --> 00:36:42,300
is sitting on my chest.
1076
00:36:42,300 --> 00:36:44,302
- [Tom] The James Garner Story.
1077
00:36:45,336 --> 00:36:46,170
- [Crow] Beef.
1078
00:36:46,170 --> 00:36:48,372
It's what's for dinner.
1079
00:36:48,372 --> 00:36:49,874
Oh.
1080
00:36:49,874 --> 00:36:53,144
- [Mike] Hi, we're your heart attack consultants.
1081
00:36:53,144 --> 00:36:55,980
- [Tom] Let's get you out on that track, young man.
1082
00:36:55,980 --> 00:36:57,448
- [Mike] Oh, please be careful.
1083
00:36:57,448 --> 00:36:59,483
My chalky, spongy midsection.
1084
00:36:59,483 --> 00:37:02,153
(ominous music)
1085
00:37:02,153 --> 00:37:04,789
- [Crow] On Tuesdays you get extra prints for free!
1086
00:37:04,789 --> 00:37:07,458
- [Tom] God, the human body is hideous.
1087
00:37:07,458 --> 00:37:08,392
- Huh.
1088
00:37:08,392 --> 00:37:10,494
Well, I can't see anything.
1089
00:37:10,494 --> 00:37:11,929
- [Mike] You're dull and lumpy inside too.
1090
00:37:11,929 --> 00:37:13,831
- What did it feel like?
1091
00:37:13,831 --> 00:37:17,902
- It felt like a burning sensation in my chest.
1092
00:37:17,902 --> 00:37:19,403
- [Crow] Well, Richard,
1093
00:37:19,403 --> 00:37:20,738
did you makes a run for the boarder earlier today?
1094
00:37:21,639 --> 00:37:23,074
- Are you sleeping okay?
1095
00:37:23,074 --> 00:37:24,909
- Sure, fine.
1096
00:37:24,909 --> 00:37:27,011
It just happened so quick, I don't know what it is.
1097
00:37:27,011 --> 00:37:28,779
- [Tom] Have you been eating your boogers?
1098
00:37:28,779 --> 00:37:30,681
- Let me ask you, Richard?
1099
00:37:30,681 --> 00:37:31,882
Do you spend a lot of time in the country?
1100
00:37:31,882 --> 00:37:33,884
- Or down by the river?
1101
00:37:34,885 --> 00:37:36,187
- No.
1102
00:37:36,187 --> 00:37:37,021
Why?
1103
00:37:37,021 --> 00:37:38,256
- Oh, no reason.
1104
00:37:38,256 --> 00:37:39,423
It's just that the air by the river
1105
00:37:39,423 --> 00:37:40,825
is not really very good for you.
1106
00:37:40,825 --> 00:37:41,759
- [Tom] Uh-huh.
1107
00:37:41,759 --> 00:37:42,693
- We just thought that it might
1108
00:37:42,693 --> 00:37:43,494
have something to do with it.
1109
00:37:43,494 --> 00:37:44,428
- [Mike] Am I dead?
1110
00:37:44,428 --> 00:37:45,930
- What do you think it is?
1111
00:37:45,930 --> 00:37:48,032
- Oh, just a little attack of the nerves, I guess.
1112
00:37:48,032 --> 00:37:50,901
After all, you're probably excited about going to America.
1113
00:37:50,901 --> 00:37:52,370
- [Tom] Today!
1114
00:37:52,370 --> 00:37:53,938
- Yes.
1115
00:37:53,938 --> 00:37:55,206
You're scheduled to go in two days.
1116
00:37:55,206 --> 00:37:56,707
- [Crow] We traded you to Cincinnati.
1117
00:37:56,707 --> 00:38:00,444
- We were going to wait but you've been progressing so well,
1118
00:38:00,444 --> 00:38:02,213
we're letting you go early.
1119
00:38:02,213 --> 00:38:03,681
- Jeez. - Isn't that nice?
1120
00:38:03,681 --> 00:38:04,882
- [Mike] Ugh.
1121
00:38:04,882 --> 00:38:06,417
- Great.
1122
00:38:06,417 --> 00:38:08,886
- So why don't you go and get some sleep, all right?
1123
00:38:08,886 --> 00:38:11,088
Take these pills just before you go to bed,
1124
00:38:11,088 --> 00:38:12,490
I'm sure you're not going to have any trouble at all.
1125
00:38:12,490 --> 00:38:14,892
- [Mike] Can I bring my bike to America?
1126
00:38:14,892 --> 00:38:15,726
- Okay.
1127
00:38:18,062 --> 00:38:18,996
- [Tom] Nice gal.
1128
00:38:21,899 --> 00:38:24,235
- Well, did you hear enough?
1129
00:38:24,235 --> 00:38:25,469
- He's lying.
1130
00:38:25,469 --> 00:38:26,971
- [Crow] He looks like an adult fetus.
1131
00:38:28,272 --> 00:38:29,740
- [Mike] They found my nose!
1132
00:38:29,740 --> 00:38:31,976
- [Tom] The tight short clinic has been so much fun!
1133
00:38:31,976 --> 00:38:33,978
- I'm so happy to see you.
1134
00:38:33,978 --> 00:38:36,981
- [Crow] Allan and I are getting married, isn't that great?!
1135
00:38:38,716 --> 00:38:40,117
- Lena, we're being watched.
1136
00:38:40,117 --> 00:38:41,619
- Richard, what're you talking about?
1137
00:38:41,619 --> 00:38:43,020
- I tried a test last night.
1138
00:38:43,020 --> 00:38:45,656
I pretended I was sick when no one was around.
1139
00:38:45,656 --> 00:38:47,091
We are being watched.
1140
00:38:47,091 --> 00:38:48,159
- Richard, why would they watch us?
1141
00:38:48,159 --> 00:38:50,027
For what reason?
1142
00:38:50,027 --> 00:38:51,529
- [Richard] I don't know.
1143
00:38:51,529 --> 00:38:53,831
- [Mike] Maybe to see if we do that rubbing thing.
1144
00:38:53,831 --> 00:38:57,301
- [Tom] Let's go pray at the shrine of Dolly the sheep.
1145
00:38:57,301 --> 00:38:59,303
(wind howling)
1146
00:38:59,303 --> 00:39:01,605
- [Crow] Are you going to Bobby's America party?
1147
00:39:01,605 --> 00:39:03,474
- Lena, there's something strange happening here
1148
00:39:03,474 --> 00:39:05,142
that we're not allowed to know about.
1149
00:39:05,142 --> 00:39:06,310
- I know.
1150
00:39:06,310 --> 00:39:07,578
Richard, ever since you and I met,
1151
00:39:07,578 --> 00:39:09,513
the guides look at me strangely.
1152
00:39:09,513 --> 00:39:12,750
- Did you see the way they looked at us when we first met?
1153
00:39:12,750 --> 00:39:13,584
They got angry.
1154
00:39:14,552 --> 00:39:16,020
- Speak to the confessional.
1155
00:39:16,020 --> 00:39:19,123
- I don't get any answers from the confessional.
1156
00:39:19,123 --> 00:39:21,092
I think the only place I'm gonna find any answers
1157
00:39:21,092 --> 00:39:21,892
is America.
1158
00:39:21,892 --> 00:39:23,127
- [Crow] Today!
1159
00:39:23,127 --> 00:39:24,228
- And I'm gonna try and get there tonight.
1160
00:39:24,228 --> 00:39:25,363
- [Crow] Or today!
1161
00:39:25,363 --> 00:39:27,164
- But Richard, you're not qualified.
1162
00:39:27,164 --> 00:39:28,432
- Look, I saw the guides.
1163
00:39:28,432 --> 00:39:30,768
They took George up to the building in the hill
1164
00:39:30,768 --> 00:39:32,136
after his party.
1165
00:39:32,136 --> 00:39:34,205
I think that's a good place to start.
1166
00:39:34,205 --> 00:39:35,439
I'm gonna try and get in.
1167
00:39:35,439 --> 00:39:36,974
- [Tom] If my SATs are good enough.
1168
00:39:38,609 --> 00:39:39,543
- No.
1169
00:39:39,543 --> 00:39:41,011
- [Crow] You and your big nose!
1170
00:39:43,013 --> 00:39:45,683
- [Mike] So you wanna take your shirt off now or...
1171
00:39:47,384 --> 00:39:49,253
- Lena, I have to go.
1172
00:39:49,253 --> 00:39:50,421
I've got to find out.
1173
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:53,424
Don't be frightened.
1174
00:39:53,424 --> 00:39:55,493
- I am frightened, Richard.
1175
00:39:55,493 --> 00:39:56,827
I'm very frightened.
1176
00:39:57,895 --> 00:39:59,830
I'm never gonna see you again.
1177
00:39:59,830 --> 00:40:02,032
- Of course you're gonna see me again.
1178
00:40:02,032 --> 00:40:03,968
I'm gonna go to America, find out the answers
1179
00:40:03,968 --> 00:40:04,869
and I'm gonna come back.
1180
00:40:04,869 --> 00:40:06,103
- Richard, why?
1181
00:40:06,103 --> 00:40:07,338
Why do you have to go to America?
1182
00:40:07,338 --> 00:40:08,572
- [Tom] Today!
1183
00:40:08,572 --> 00:40:10,274
- Because I have to find out for you and for me
1184
00:40:10,274 --> 00:40:11,509
and for everyone else.
1185
00:40:11,509 --> 00:40:13,377
- [Crow] For the baby I'm carrying.
1186
00:40:13,377 --> 00:40:15,446
- Lena, you can't say anything to anybody.
1187
00:40:15,446 --> 00:40:17,114
- [Tom] I'll leave you a lump of dough with hair on it
1188
00:40:17,114 --> 00:40:18,449
to remind you of me.
1189
00:40:18,449 --> 00:40:20,818
(dramatic music) - Lena.
1190
00:40:20,818 --> 00:40:23,020
- [Mike] She's trying to start his crotch on fire
1191
00:40:23,020 --> 00:40:23,888
with her mind.
1192
00:40:26,457 --> 00:40:29,193
- [Crow] Whoa, there at Chuck Berry's ranch.
1193
00:40:29,193 --> 00:40:30,895
- [Tom] Aren't these stables phony?
1194
00:40:30,895 --> 00:40:33,964
(electrical buzzing)
1195
00:40:36,500 --> 00:40:39,270
- [Crow] Yeah, Secretariat is a personal friend of mine.
1196
00:40:42,106 --> 00:40:44,675
(upbeat music)
1197
00:40:48,712 --> 00:40:50,281
(singing tune)
1198
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:51,916
- Ah, red!
1199
00:40:51,916 --> 00:40:53,551
- Hey, that was blue, I saw.
1200
00:40:53,551 --> 00:40:54,518
- No it wasn't.
1201
00:40:54,518 --> 00:40:55,686
- You're in the molasses swamp.
1202
00:40:55,686 --> 00:40:56,654
- I am not.
1203
00:40:56,654 --> 00:40:58,022
- Yeah, he's in molasses swamp.
1204
00:40:58,022 --> 00:40:59,924
- [Both] You're in molasses swamp!
1205
00:40:59,924 --> 00:41:01,091
You're in molasses swamp!
1206
00:41:01,091 --> 00:41:02,660
You're in molasses swamp!
1207
00:41:02,660 --> 00:41:03,794
- Mike... - You're in molasses swamp!
1208
00:41:03,794 --> 00:41:05,196
- You know me.
1209
00:41:05,196 --> 00:41:06,330
I'm a patient woman. - You're in molasses swamp!
1210
00:41:06,330 --> 00:41:07,164
- Shut up!
1211
00:41:08,866 --> 00:41:11,836
Oh, momma, do I need a break.
1212
00:41:11,836 --> 00:41:15,773
I sure could use that old electronic babysitter right now.
1213
00:41:15,773 --> 00:41:19,076
So could you guys quick whip up a TV show,
1214
00:41:19,076 --> 00:41:21,078
maybe one of them public kid shows.
1215
00:41:21,078 --> 00:41:22,346
You know, educational.
1216
00:41:22,346 --> 00:41:25,416
You know the kind of crap I'm talking about.
1217
00:41:25,416 --> 00:41:26,817
(Bobo groaning)
1218
00:41:26,817 --> 00:41:27,952
(laughing)
1219
00:41:27,952 --> 00:41:30,654
- Ah, Mrs. Forrester, so you need me
1220
00:41:30,654 --> 00:41:33,424
and I have all the power. (laughing)
1221
00:41:33,424 --> 00:41:35,993
Once again you see there is nothing you can possess
1222
00:41:35,993 --> 00:41:38,095
which I cannot take away.
1223
00:41:38,095 --> 00:41:39,129
Too bad.
1224
00:41:39,129 --> 00:41:41,131
The Havidos could've warned you
1225
00:41:41,131 --> 00:41:42,867
if only you spoke Havidos.
1226
00:41:42,867 --> 00:41:45,436
(speaking foreign language)
1227
00:41:45,436 --> 00:41:46,403
- Ugh.
1228
00:41:46,403 --> 00:41:49,273
Oh, would you just help me out.
1229
00:41:49,273 --> 00:41:52,376
Hey, kids, "Satellite of Love" is on.
1230
00:41:52,376 --> 00:41:55,212
- Oh, I don't like that show, it's dumb.
1231
00:41:55,212 --> 00:41:56,780
- It's got robots.
1232
00:41:56,780 --> 00:41:59,316
- Robots are dumb, you're dumb.
1233
00:41:59,316 --> 00:42:01,919
- I took the liberty of making some fruit leather.
1234
00:42:01,919 --> 00:42:02,953
- What the hell is--
1235
00:42:02,953 --> 00:42:04,922
- [Kids] Fruit leather!
1236
00:42:04,922 --> 00:42:06,123
(chiming music)
1237
00:42:06,123 --> 00:42:10,294
♪ We'll have fun on the Satellite of Love ♪
1238
00:42:10,294 --> 00:42:11,128
♪ Today
1239
00:42:11,128 --> 00:42:13,998
(giggling)
1240
00:42:13,998 --> 00:42:15,466
- Hi, kids! - Hi.
1241
00:42:15,466 --> 00:42:17,868
- I'm Crow the...
1242
00:42:17,868 --> 00:42:19,103
Cow. (laughing)
1243
00:42:19,103 --> 00:42:22,373
And this is Tommy the timid tuna, right.
1244
00:42:22,373 --> 00:42:23,207
- Aaaww.
1245
00:42:23,207 --> 00:42:24,642
- Today's letter...
1246
00:42:27,845 --> 00:42:28,679
- A.
1247
00:42:29,980 --> 00:42:30,814
- A?
1248
00:42:32,316 --> 00:42:33,951
- [Both] A!
1249
00:42:33,951 --> 00:42:35,886
(laughing)
1250
00:42:35,886 --> 00:42:38,555
(clearing throat)
1251
00:42:38,555 --> 00:42:40,257
- Today's number.
1252
00:42:42,459 --> 00:42:43,661
- Three.
1253
00:42:43,661 --> 00:42:44,495
(gasping)
1254
00:42:44,495 --> 00:42:45,696
- Three?
1255
00:42:45,696 --> 00:42:47,698
(laughing)
1256
00:42:47,698 --> 00:42:48,866
So today...
1257
00:42:48,866 --> 00:42:50,601
Today we learned...
1258
00:42:50,601 --> 00:42:52,102
- A
1259
00:42:52,102 --> 00:42:54,038
and three.
1260
00:42:54,038 --> 00:42:55,639
♪ Today we learned
1261
00:42:55,639 --> 00:42:57,241
♪ A and three
1262
00:42:57,241 --> 00:42:59,577
♪ Today we learned A and three
1263
00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:01,211
(laughing)
1264
00:43:01,211 --> 00:43:03,414
- I love you.
1265
00:43:03,414 --> 00:43:05,215
♪ Today we learned
1266
00:43:05,215 --> 00:43:06,750
♪ A and three
1267
00:43:06,750 --> 00:43:09,553
♪ Today we learned A and three
1268
00:43:09,553 --> 00:43:10,754
(giggling)
1269
00:43:10,754 --> 00:43:11,589
- Moo.
1270
00:43:13,557 --> 00:43:15,626
- Great, thanks.
1271
00:43:15,626 --> 00:43:18,529
I'm gonna sneak out and see if I can find a casino
1272
00:43:18,529 --> 00:43:19,964
on this crumby planet.
1273
00:43:21,265 --> 00:43:25,269
(speaking foreign language)
1274
00:43:25,269 --> 00:43:29,239
(cheering) (upbeat Latin music)
1275
00:43:29,239 --> 00:43:30,074
- Woo!
1276
00:43:33,844 --> 00:43:37,514
(speaking foreign language)
1277
00:43:39,249 --> 00:43:40,084
- Agua.
1278
00:43:41,552 --> 00:43:42,786
Agua.
1279
00:43:42,786 --> 00:43:47,791
(cheering) (upbeat Latin music)
1280
00:43:48,993 --> 00:43:51,095
(crying)
1281
00:43:52,696 --> 00:43:55,933
I'll get you for this, Nelson!
1282
00:43:55,933 --> 00:43:57,601
(cheering) (upbeat Latin music)
1283
00:43:57,601 --> 00:43:58,602
(alarm buzzing)
1284
00:43:58,602 --> 00:44:02,072
(yelling foreign language)
1285
00:44:03,741 --> 00:44:05,342
(mechanical buzzing)
1286
00:44:05,342 --> 00:44:08,846
(water bubbling)
1287
00:44:08,846 --> 00:44:11,015
(beeping)
1288
00:44:12,049 --> 00:44:13,117
(door creaking)
1289
00:44:13,117 --> 00:44:14,618
- [Tom] Weee!
1290
00:44:14,618 --> 00:44:17,388
- [Crow] Super Dave Osborne come to turn down the bed.
1291
00:44:18,355 --> 00:44:19,823
- 807, secure.
1292
00:44:19,823 --> 00:44:23,160
- [Mike] Proceeding to number eight to re-pet the bunny.
1293
00:44:23,160 --> 00:44:24,928
- [Tom] Leave the hall light on!
1294
00:44:24,928 --> 00:44:26,597
Oh.
1295
00:44:26,597 --> 00:44:28,132
- [Mike] Well, I'm wet already.
1296
00:44:30,567 --> 00:44:33,237
- [Crow] I'm gonna get the last of the Frusen Glädjé.
1297
00:44:33,237 --> 00:44:34,705
(ominous music)
1298
00:44:34,705 --> 00:44:36,440
- [Tom] The director just points the camera at the lamp
1299
00:44:36,440 --> 00:44:38,409
and trusts the lamp to carry the scene.
1300
00:44:42,179 --> 00:44:43,414
- [Mike] I forgot to have
1301
00:44:43,414 --> 00:44:45,115
my nightly glass of cottage cheese.
1302
00:44:46,316 --> 00:44:47,851
- [Crow] He's gonna wake up the whole floor
1303
00:44:47,851 --> 00:44:50,821
and tell them about that damn can again.
1304
00:44:50,821 --> 00:44:52,623
- [Tom] Sssh, I don't wanna wake me.
1305
00:44:54,558 --> 00:44:56,126
- [Mike] It takes a dork.
1306
00:44:57,761 --> 00:44:59,229
- [Crow] You know, everything's so dramatic with him.
1307
00:44:59,229 --> 00:45:01,999
He's just going to the lavatory.
1308
00:45:01,999 --> 00:45:03,500
- [Tom] I'm gonna head to the student union
1309
00:45:03,500 --> 00:45:06,737
and shake a candy machine till a Clark Bar comes out.
1310
00:45:06,737 --> 00:45:09,573
(Mike giggling)
1311
00:45:09,573 --> 00:45:10,507
- [Mike] This movie was really
1312
00:45:10,507 --> 00:45:12,709
a promotional film for UW-Stout.
1313
00:45:16,113 --> 00:45:17,648
- [Tom] No one knew how to hit the shuttlecock.
1314
00:45:17,648 --> 00:45:18,849
They're all getting F's!
1315
00:45:20,250 --> 00:45:22,519
- [Mike] I work for the Clonus Project.
1316
00:45:22,519 --> 00:45:24,354
We get free coffee.
1317
00:45:24,354 --> 00:45:26,523
(eerie music)
1318
00:45:26,523 --> 00:45:28,625
- [Crow] I left my flute in the band room.
1319
00:45:29,626 --> 00:45:30,494
- [Tom] Ow!
1320
00:45:30,494 --> 00:45:31,528
- [Mike] Hi, Richard.
1321
00:45:35,966 --> 00:45:38,035
- [Tom] Yah, yep.
1322
00:45:38,035 --> 00:45:39,736
- Come on, it can wait five minutes, can't it?
1323
00:45:39,736 --> 00:45:41,105
I just poured myself a cup of coffee.
1324
00:45:41,105 --> 00:45:43,440
- [Crow] Now, now, now, Harvey, Harvey.
1325
00:45:44,608 --> 00:45:45,709
- Yeah, so?
1326
00:45:45,709 --> 00:45:46,944
- [Mike] You talking to me?
1327
00:45:46,944 --> 00:45:49,179
You telling me to put down my coffee?
1328
00:45:49,179 --> 00:45:50,614
- Look, Ernie,
1329
00:45:50,614 --> 00:45:52,449
it's clear over on the other side of the facility.
1330
00:45:52,449 --> 00:45:53,650
Have a heart.
1331
00:45:53,650 --> 00:45:55,853
- [Tom] I'm gonna free Randle McMurphy!
1332
00:45:55,853 --> 00:45:58,722
- [Crow] He's a nurse's aid that doesn't play by the rules.
1333
00:45:58,722 --> 00:45:59,923
(Tom singing tune)
1334
00:45:59,923 --> 00:46:00,924
- Okay.
1335
00:46:00,924 --> 00:46:02,426
Okay, I said I'm coming.
1336
00:46:02,426 --> 00:46:04,862
- [Mike] This job ain't worth the free puffy hats!
1337
00:46:04,862 --> 00:46:07,531
(ominous music)
1338
00:46:08,665 --> 00:46:10,467
- [Tom] I just authorized myself.
1339
00:46:12,236 --> 00:46:13,804
- [Crow] I'm gonna amortize the crap
1340
00:46:13,804 --> 00:46:15,739
out of some of these spreadsheets.
1341
00:46:15,739 --> 00:46:17,875
- [Mike] Just gonna change my nutritional chart
1342
00:46:17,875 --> 00:46:19,510
to include more pop.
1343
00:46:19,510 --> 00:46:23,046
(Mike chuckling)
1344
00:46:23,046 --> 00:46:24,481
You know, I think they cloned him from Timer,
1345
00:46:24,481 --> 00:46:25,816
the cheese mascot.
1346
00:46:25,816 --> 00:46:27,684
- [Tom] Let's face it, clones are rock stupid.
1347
00:46:27,684 --> 00:46:30,354
(ominous music)
1348
00:46:31,455 --> 00:46:33,857
- [Crow] Larry Dallas is "The Saint."
1349
00:46:35,292 --> 00:46:37,027
- [Mike] It might help him at this point
1350
00:46:37,027 --> 00:46:38,996
if he had an objective of some sort.
1351
00:46:40,297 --> 00:46:41,765
- [Crow] You know, the truth is out there.
1352
00:46:41,765 --> 00:46:42,833
- [Tom] Oh, neat.
1353
00:46:42,833 --> 00:46:44,301
- [Mike] Sure it is.
1354
00:46:44,301 --> 00:46:46,203
- [Tom] Let's see, "smoking crotch, smoking crotch,
1355
00:46:46,203 --> 00:46:48,005
"smoking crotch."
1356
00:46:48,005 --> 00:46:50,874
(ominous music)
1357
00:46:50,874 --> 00:46:52,442
- [Crow] Gotta see if there's hot dog tater bake
1358
00:46:52,442 --> 00:46:53,944
on next week's lunch menu.
1359
00:46:55,812 --> 00:46:58,248
- [Mike] The Clonus Project seems remarkably disorganized.
1360
00:46:58,248 --> 00:46:59,883
- [Crow] Yeah, they really need to get online.
1361
00:46:59,883 --> 00:47:02,386
- [Tom] Yeah.
1362
00:47:02,386 --> 00:47:05,289
(foreboding music)
1363
00:47:06,924 --> 00:47:09,626
(Tom chanting in demonic voice)
1364
00:47:09,626 --> 00:47:10,561
(Crow laughing)
1365
00:47:10,561 --> 00:47:13,664
- [Crow] That's pretty good.
1366
00:47:13,664 --> 00:47:16,767
- [Mike] What do you know, we aren't at war with Eurasia.
1367
00:47:17,801 --> 00:47:20,470
(ominous music)
1368
00:47:24,408 --> 00:47:25,676
- [Tom] As soon as I get to America
1369
00:47:25,676 --> 00:47:27,911
I'm going straight to Branson!
1370
00:47:27,911 --> 00:47:32,583
(Mike singing "Mission: Impossible" tune)
1371
00:47:32,583 --> 00:47:33,917
Marty, we'll march into Masina
1372
00:47:33,917 --> 00:47:35,886
and I'll sweep down from the north.
1373
00:47:35,886 --> 00:47:38,488
(somber music)
1374
00:47:39,656 --> 00:47:41,625
- [Crow] Yeah, I saw "The Dead" there,
1375
00:47:41,625 --> 00:47:42,960
I saw "The Dead" there.
1376
00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:44,795
Yah, saw "The Dead" there too.
1377
00:47:46,563 --> 00:47:47,965
- [Tom] The lip-less horror.
1378
00:47:49,333 --> 00:47:50,567
- [Mike] Now I get it.
1379
00:47:50,567 --> 00:47:52,236
I don't understand a thing.
1380
00:47:53,270 --> 00:47:54,338
- [Crow] Darn.
1381
00:47:55,806 --> 00:47:58,242
- [Tom] Hey, anybody ever been to Milwaukee?!
1382
00:47:58,242 --> 00:47:59,042
(Crow chuckling) (Tom shushing)
1383
00:47:59,042 --> 00:48:00,277
- [Crow] Sorry.
1384
00:48:01,678 --> 00:48:03,847
(Mike singing "Alfred Hitchcock Presents" music)
1385
00:48:03,847 --> 00:48:06,350
(military drumming)
1386
00:48:06,350 --> 00:48:08,252
Rat-a-tat-tat.
1387
00:48:08,252 --> 00:48:12,055
Old Milkwaukee, Blatz, Hooper, Howenstein,
1388
00:48:12,055 --> 00:48:13,790
Chief Oshkosh.
1389
00:48:13,790 --> 00:48:14,958
(footsteps thumping)
1390
00:48:14,958 --> 00:48:17,060
- [Mike] They'll never know I was here.
1391
00:48:17,060 --> 00:48:20,030
(somber music)
1392
00:48:20,030 --> 00:48:21,331
- [Tom] Security, huh?
1393
00:48:21,331 --> 00:48:23,166
A very complex security system.
1394
00:48:24,635 --> 00:48:26,303
- [Mike] This is probably the most interest
1395
00:48:26,303 --> 00:48:27,804
anyone has shown in Milwaukee.
1396
00:48:29,940 --> 00:48:31,408
- [Crow] He's trying to find a map
1397
00:48:31,408 --> 00:48:34,077
to the original Cunningham house on "Happy Days."
1398
00:48:34,077 --> 00:48:36,647
(somber music)
1399
00:48:38,181 --> 00:48:40,817
- [Tom] "Camp Reject was developed to house all the losers."
1400
00:48:46,823 --> 00:48:47,758
- [Mike] Wow, this guy's hideous!
1401
00:48:47,758 --> 00:48:48,625
Oh, it's me.
1402
00:48:50,727 --> 00:48:52,763
- [Crow] Thanks to Miss Taylor's fourth grad class
1403
00:48:52,763 --> 00:48:55,732
for transcribing our secret clone notes.
1404
00:48:55,732 --> 00:48:57,601
- [Tom] Yearbook staff, two, three.
1405
00:49:00,070 --> 00:49:02,339
- [Mike] They don't need to know this about me.
1406
00:49:03,740 --> 00:49:05,075
- [Crow] Maybe the ear clip is to trace
1407
00:49:05,075 --> 00:49:06,977
his migratory patterns?
1408
00:49:06,977 --> 00:49:08,278
(footsteps thumping)
1409
00:49:08,278 --> 00:49:10,347
- [Mike] Black helicopter, Roswell,
1410
00:49:10,347 --> 00:49:14,084
Area 51, Waco, formula for Coca-Cola.
1411
00:49:14,084 --> 00:49:17,254
(foreboding music)
1412
00:49:17,254 --> 00:49:19,723
- [Crow] Ah, here it is, "Parts: The Clonus Horror."
1413
00:49:19,723 --> 00:49:21,024
Should explain everything.
1414
00:49:22,392 --> 00:49:24,194
- [Tom] I have been wanting to read this book.
1415
00:49:26,196 --> 00:49:28,532
- [Mike] Great, someone taped "Models Inc."
1416
00:49:28,532 --> 00:49:30,300
(chuckling)
1417
00:49:30,300 --> 00:49:32,002
- [Crow] Uh, the network's down.
1418
00:49:32,002 --> 00:49:33,837
- [Tom] Yeah, I tried that.
1419
00:49:33,837 --> 00:49:35,539
- [Mike] Well, I'm not waiting up.
1420
00:49:38,575 --> 00:49:41,712
(foreboding music)
1421
00:49:41,712 --> 00:49:44,114
- [Tom] Good morning, Mr. Lump.
1422
00:49:44,114 --> 00:49:46,583
- [Narrator] Each cell in the human body contains--
1423
00:49:46,583 --> 00:49:47,417
- [Mike] Hi.
1424
00:49:47,417 --> 00:49:48,852
- [Crow] Hi.
1425
00:49:48,852 --> 00:49:50,253
- [Narrator] It is these chromosomes,
1426
00:49:50,253 --> 00:49:51,955
one set from each parent,
1427
00:49:51,955 --> 00:49:54,291
that determine who and how we are.
1428
00:49:54,291 --> 00:49:55,826
- [Mike] Mom, I'm watching cartoons.
1429
00:49:55,826 --> 00:49:57,527
- [Narrator] Genetic roadmaps.
1430
00:49:57,527 --> 00:50:01,131
The process of reproduction finds a sperm cell
1431
00:50:01,131 --> 00:50:02,265
and an egg cell.
1432
00:50:02,265 --> 00:50:03,533
- [Crow] Excuse me.
1433
00:50:03,533 --> 00:50:04,768
Excuse me, please.
1434
00:50:04,768 --> 00:50:05,969
Excuse me, trying to get through.
1435
00:50:05,969 --> 00:50:07,637
- [Narrator] Joining and reproducing.
1436
00:50:07,637 --> 00:50:09,106
- [Tom] We've been hit!
1437
00:50:09,106 --> 00:50:10,741
- [Narrator] The cell is complete,
1438
00:50:10,741 --> 00:50:12,442
resulting in a separate organism
1439
00:50:12,442 --> 00:50:14,244
that shares the traits of its parents.
1440
00:50:14,244 --> 00:50:16,046
- [Mike] Mr. Mutant and Mrs. Freak.
1441
00:50:16,046 --> 00:50:17,748
- [Narrator] In 1931,
1442
00:50:17,748 --> 00:50:20,517
we successfully removed the nucleus of a female--
1443
00:50:20,517 --> 00:50:21,752
- [Crow] Hey!
1444
00:50:21,752 --> 00:50:23,587
What's the idea, I was using that.
1445
00:50:23,587 --> 00:50:24,921
- [Narrator] The replacement nucleus,
1446
00:50:24,921 --> 00:50:26,757
which contained two sets of chromosomes--
1447
00:50:26,757 --> 00:50:27,591
- [Tom] Duh.
1448
00:50:27,591 --> 00:50:29,159
Duh, duh.
1449
00:50:29,159 --> 00:50:31,128
Duh, duh, duh.
1450
00:50:31,128 --> 00:50:33,330
- [Narrator] Resulting in a second organism
1451
00:50:33,330 --> 00:50:35,832
exact in every respect to the first.
1452
00:50:35,832 --> 00:50:37,367
- [Mike] And butts were born.
1453
00:50:37,367 --> 00:50:39,669
- [Narrator] This process has come to be called "cloning."
1454
00:50:39,669 --> 00:50:40,937
- [Tom] Duh, duh, duh, duh.
1455
00:50:40,937 --> 00:50:42,172
- [Narrator] Armed with this technology
1456
00:50:42,172 --> 00:50:43,774
and unlimited funding,
1457
00:50:43,774 --> 00:50:46,176
we established "Clonus." (Crow laughing)
1458
00:50:46,176 --> 00:50:48,044
Isolated and secure,
1459
00:50:48,044 --> 00:50:50,614
Clonus is a breeder facility for clones.
1460
00:50:50,614 --> 00:50:52,182
- [Crow] Secret.
1461
00:50:52,182 --> 00:50:54,050
- [Narrator] Each a unique duplicate of a counterpart
1462
00:50:54,050 --> 00:50:56,887
either domestic or international.
1463
00:50:56,887 --> 00:50:58,455
- [Crow] And the food!
1464
00:50:58,455 --> 00:51:00,223
- [Narrator] One of the most serious problems encountered
1465
00:51:00,223 --> 00:51:02,692
was the suppression of individuality.
1466
00:51:02,692 --> 00:51:05,829
This problem proved temporary as medical technicians
1467
00:51:05,829 --> 00:51:07,831
learned that through simple lobotomies...
1468
00:51:07,831 --> 00:51:09,266
- [Crow] Ow.
1469
00:51:09,266 --> 00:51:10,300
- [Narrator] These clones could be made benign
1470
00:51:10,300 --> 00:51:11,334
and cooperative.
1471
00:51:11,334 --> 00:51:12,469
- [Mike] I like mittens.
1472
00:51:12,469 --> 00:51:13,937
(footsteps thumping)
1473
00:51:13,937 --> 00:51:16,706
- [Narrator] Further research led to the perfection of--
1474
00:51:16,706 --> 00:51:17,641
- [Crow] Well that was a waste.
1475
00:51:17,641 --> 00:51:19,709
I didn't find out a thing.
1476
00:51:19,709 --> 00:51:21,044
- [Tom] Convenient he happened in to
1477
00:51:21,044 --> 00:51:22,579
the Department of Backstory.
1478
00:51:24,247 --> 00:51:26,917
(ominous music)
1479
00:51:28,585 --> 00:51:30,454
- [Mike] No one's guarding my father!
1480
00:51:32,656 --> 00:51:34,691
- [Crow] He's a renegade mime.
1481
00:51:34,691 --> 00:51:35,525
- [Tom] Okay.
1482
00:51:36,993 --> 00:51:38,595
I should be in Milwaukee by now.
1483
00:51:41,465 --> 00:51:43,099
- [Crow] "Chariots of Puss."
1484
00:51:44,601 --> 00:51:46,703
- [Mike] Trot, trot for my life.
1485
00:51:49,606 --> 00:51:50,807
- [Tom] Just his luck,
1486
00:51:50,807 --> 00:51:51,942
he's gonna get killed by Merv Griffin.
1487
00:51:54,311 --> 00:51:56,213
- [Jameson] Dr. Nelson, hold that elevator!
1488
00:51:56,213 --> 00:51:58,181
- [Mike] I can't, it's too big.
1489
00:51:58,181 --> 00:51:58,982
- [Crow] Nelson.
1490
00:52:01,084 --> 00:52:03,019
And he bumps right into Bruce Willis.
1491
00:52:05,388 --> 00:52:07,424
(bell ringing)
1492
00:52:07,424 --> 00:52:09,493
- [Tom] I think Yoshi parked up on seven.
1493
00:52:11,995 --> 00:52:14,998
- [Mike] Boy, the water's really good today.
1494
00:52:14,998 --> 00:52:17,467
- [Nelson] You got here early this morning, Dr. Jameson.
1495
00:52:17,467 --> 00:52:18,401
- I had to.
1496
00:52:18,401 --> 00:52:19,669
- [Tom] Rode in with Endora.
1497
00:52:19,669 --> 00:52:21,238
- A lot to do.
1498
00:52:21,238 --> 00:52:24,341
- [Crow] Ride the elevator ride at Six Flags Over Texas!
1499
00:52:24,341 --> 00:52:26,943
(Tom groaning)
1500
00:52:28,645 --> 00:52:31,147
(Tom gagging)
1501
00:52:35,185 --> 00:52:37,721
- [Mike] You going to Applebee's for Karen's birthday lunch?
1502
00:52:37,721 --> 00:52:39,022
- [Tom] I suppose we have to.
1503
00:52:39,022 --> 00:52:40,457
(Mike groaning)
1504
00:52:40,457 --> 00:52:41,758
- [Crow] This is what happens when Ottis Elevator
1505
00:52:41,758 --> 00:52:42,792
sponsors a movie.
1506
00:52:44,761 --> 00:52:46,029
Hey, hey, stop it!
1507
00:52:46,029 --> 00:52:48,832
- [Mike] Ah, don't do that.
1508
00:52:48,832 --> 00:52:50,667
- [Tom] Bill Muscleman, Private I.
1509
00:52:50,667 --> 00:52:51,968
- This is Davis in records.
1510
00:52:51,968 --> 00:52:53,870
There's something wrong, we've been busted into.
1511
00:52:53,870 --> 00:52:55,772
Sound the alert.
1512
00:52:55,772 --> 00:52:58,308
- [Mike] I hope he never becomes the naked prey.
1513
00:52:58,308 --> 00:52:59,743
- [Tom] Yeah.
1514
00:52:59,743 --> 00:53:01,177
(alarm buzzing)
1515
00:53:01,177 --> 00:53:02,112
- [Mike] You turn the light on.
1516
00:53:02,112 --> 00:53:03,413
That's why you're my assistant.
1517
00:53:03,413 --> 00:53:05,115
- [Crow] He didn't fluff!
1518
00:53:05,115 --> 00:53:06,349
- I don't care what it takes.
1519
00:53:06,349 --> 00:53:08,084
We gotta find it and get that tape!
1520
00:53:09,252 --> 00:53:10,520
- What'd they say?
1521
00:53:10,520 --> 00:53:11,321
(Tom singing "Mario Bros." theme music)
1522
00:53:11,321 --> 00:53:11,922
- They'll find it.
1523
00:53:13,557 --> 00:53:14,391
What're you worried about?
1524
00:53:14,391 --> 00:53:15,325
It can't get away.
1525
00:53:16,993 --> 00:53:20,564
(foreboding music)
1526
00:53:20,564 --> 00:53:23,166
(Tom growling)
1527
00:53:24,367 --> 00:53:27,938
(Crow whimpering)
1528
00:53:27,938 --> 00:53:29,606
- [Crow] It's the map of the shopping district
1529
00:53:29,606 --> 00:53:30,640
in Des Plaines.
1530
00:53:30,640 --> 00:53:33,209
(Mike chuckling)
1531
00:53:33,209 --> 00:53:35,979
(Tom whimpering)
1532
00:53:39,916 --> 00:53:43,253
- [Mike] A member of Mummenschanz is on the lamb.
1533
00:53:43,253 --> 00:53:44,788
- Oh, they're watching the "Mondrian" channel.
1534
00:53:44,788 --> 00:53:47,390
(Tom giggling)
1535
00:53:48,258 --> 00:53:50,760
(Mike whimpering)
1536
00:53:50,760 --> 00:53:53,530
(exciting music)
1537
00:53:57,100 --> 00:54:00,604
- [Tom] Maybe have to rethink their $11 security budget.
1538
00:54:00,604 --> 00:54:01,438
- [Mike As Woody Allen] "He's running through
1539
00:54:01,438 --> 00:54:02,772
"fields of wheat."
1540
00:54:02,772 --> 00:54:03,707
- [Tom] "Wheat."
1541
00:54:03,707 --> 00:54:05,709
- [Crow] "Plenty of wheat."
1542
00:54:05,709 --> 00:54:07,844
- [Crow] Lou Rawls is "The Equalizer."
1543
00:54:10,180 --> 00:54:11,281
- [Tom] Kind of a weird biathlon.
1544
00:54:11,281 --> 00:54:12,115
(gunshot booming)
1545
00:54:12,115 --> 00:54:13,717
Ow.
1546
00:54:13,717 --> 00:54:15,952
- [Crow] The bullets caused the Kettle Moraine.
1547
00:54:18,555 --> 00:54:20,890
- [Mike] I feel disappointment that I was shot.
1548
00:54:23,827 --> 00:54:25,395
- [Tom] There, there's the flavor!
1549
00:54:27,897 --> 00:54:30,267
- [Crow] Let's get our trained gnats after him!
1550
00:54:31,735 --> 00:54:34,738
- [Mike] Gentlemen, we have a soft, lumpy target search.
1551
00:54:34,738 --> 00:54:37,474
(suspenseful music)
1552
00:54:37,474 --> 00:54:39,209
- [Guide] He's been hit but not stopped.
1553
00:54:39,209 --> 00:54:41,077
He's headed toward the outer perimeter.
1554
00:54:43,046 --> 00:54:44,314
- [Tom] Pew, "ow."
1555
00:54:44,314 --> 00:54:45,448
Pew, "ow."
1556
00:54:45,448 --> 00:54:47,017
Pew, "ow."
1557
00:54:47,017 --> 00:54:47,851
Pew, "ow."
1558
00:54:49,119 --> 00:54:49,953
Pew.
1559
00:54:52,088 --> 00:54:53,657
- [Mike] I'm starting to think Peter Graves
1560
00:54:53,657 --> 00:54:55,625
didn't invest much time in this movie.
1561
00:54:57,027 --> 00:54:59,329
- [Crow] Oh, he jumped right into the soylent green factory.
1562
00:54:59,329 --> 00:55:00,797
- [Jameson] He's over the fence!
1563
00:55:00,797 --> 00:55:01,631
Damn it!
1564
00:55:01,631 --> 00:55:03,099
(computer beeping)
1565
00:55:03,099 --> 00:55:05,669
- [Tom] Would you stop playing pong back there please?
1566
00:55:07,504 --> 00:55:08,438
- Mr. Walker!
1567
00:55:08,438 --> 00:55:09,239
- [Mike] Mr. Texas Ranger.
1568
00:55:09,239 --> 00:55:10,540
- A clone has escaped.
1569
00:55:11,608 --> 00:55:12,776
- [Tom] Pew, "ow."
1570
00:55:12,776 --> 00:55:13,610
Pew, "ow."
1571
00:55:13,610 --> 00:55:15,078
Pew, woo, "ow."
1572
00:55:15,078 --> 00:55:18,014
Pew, "ow."
1573
00:55:18,014 --> 00:55:18,915
Pew, "ow."
1574
00:55:18,915 --> 00:55:20,183
(Mike laughing) Pew, "ow."
1575
00:55:20,183 --> 00:55:21,351
Pew.
1576
00:55:21,351 --> 00:55:22,552
- [Crow] He's taking a lot of hits.
1577
00:55:22,552 --> 00:55:24,054
(foreboding music)
1578
00:55:24,054 --> 00:55:26,523
Oh, I bet they're filming a truck commercial up there.
1579
00:55:27,924 --> 00:55:30,126
- [Mike] Look how many time a coyote fell off that.
1580
00:55:32,429 --> 00:55:35,565
- [Crow] I am Kurock. (whining)
1581
00:55:35,565 --> 00:55:37,400
- [Tom] Wow, this is one tough hole.
1582
00:55:40,003 --> 00:55:40,837
Do you think?
1583
00:55:40,837 --> 00:55:41,771
- [Crow] Do it!
1584
00:55:41,771 --> 00:55:42,806
- Yes! Jump! - Jump!
1585
00:55:42,806 --> 00:55:43,540
- Jump, do it, come on! - Come on!
1586
00:55:43,540 --> 00:55:44,374
You want to!
1587
00:55:44,374 --> 00:55:45,942
- [Tom] Yes!
1588
00:55:45,942 --> 00:55:47,143
- [Crow] Jump!
1589
00:55:47,143 --> 00:55:49,212
- [Mike] He walked right into Golan Heights.
1590
00:55:50,847 --> 00:55:52,982
- [Crow] Think how many new things there are out there
1591
00:55:52,982 --> 00:55:54,651
for him to not understand.
1592
00:55:56,052 --> 00:55:58,555
- [Tom] I'm dreaming about Pep Club.
1593
00:55:58,555 --> 00:56:00,623
- [Mike] I hope I get the part of Chrissy.
1594
00:56:00,623 --> 00:56:03,193
(Crow snoring)
1595
00:56:06,296 --> 00:56:08,164
- [Crow] You're late for Econ!
1596
00:56:08,164 --> 00:56:09,299
- What's the matter?
1597
00:56:09,299 --> 00:56:10,800
No!
1598
00:56:10,800 --> 00:56:12,969
- [Tom] You will enjoy our free continental breakfast!
1599
00:56:12,969 --> 00:56:14,771
- [Mike] He blends right in with the dimwitted,
1600
00:56:14,771 --> 00:56:16,272
overly-armed southwest.
1601
00:56:16,272 --> 00:56:18,208
- [Crow] Oh, the Ravenite Social Club social club.
1602
00:56:19,976 --> 00:56:22,746
- [Mike] It's the all white version of "Salaam Bombay."
1603
00:56:23,913 --> 00:56:25,381
- [Crow] This isn't exactly the naked city.
1604
00:56:25,381 --> 00:56:27,083
It's the clothing optional city.
1605
00:56:28,818 --> 00:56:30,453
- [Tom] There's gotta be a clone counseling center
1606
00:56:30,453 --> 00:56:31,621
around here somewhere.
1607
00:56:33,022 --> 00:56:34,891
- [Mike] Watch, he'll run into Chauncey Gardiner
1608
00:56:34,891 --> 00:56:37,727
coming the other way. (Tom laughing)
1609
00:56:37,727 --> 00:56:39,529
- [Tom] Hi Sanford, hi son.
1610
00:56:39,529 --> 00:56:41,731
- [Crow] Wow, the arcade's kind of under stocked.
1611
00:56:41,731 --> 00:56:43,666
- [Mike] "Don's Pinball Machine."
1612
00:56:46,269 --> 00:56:48,171
- [Crow] James Galway owns that porn theater.
1613
00:56:48,171 --> 00:56:51,641
- [Tom] "Oh, come right in and enjoy some wholesome porn."
1614
00:56:51,641 --> 00:56:55,111
(traffic commotion)
1615
00:56:55,111 --> 00:56:56,479
- [Crow] It's Juan Epstein.
1616
00:56:58,882 --> 00:56:59,883
- [Tom] Hey, Lionel.
1617
00:57:01,251 --> 00:57:03,119
- [Mike] Is that Harley Davidson or the Marlboro Man?
1618
00:57:03,119 --> 00:57:04,020
- [Crow] Can't tell.
1619
00:57:04,020 --> 00:57:04,988
That's Peter Fonda.
1620
00:57:04,988 --> 00:57:05,955
- [Tom] Gary Busey.
1621
00:57:05,955 --> 00:57:07,157
- [Mike] Malcolm Forbes.
1622
00:57:08,792 --> 00:57:10,326
- This is Unit Two.
1623
00:57:10,326 --> 00:57:11,961
I'm pursuing.
1624
00:57:11,961 --> 00:57:13,196
All right, 10-4.
1625
00:57:13,196 --> 00:57:14,731
- [Crow] This is "Then Came Bronson," over.
1626
00:57:16,132 --> 00:57:18,034
(foreboding music)
1627
00:57:18,034 --> 00:57:19,202
- [Mike] Ow, over.
1628
00:57:22,138 --> 00:57:25,241
(motor rumbling)
1629
00:57:25,241 --> 00:57:26,075
- [Tom] Pew, "ow."
1630
00:57:26,075 --> 00:57:27,443
Pew, "ow."
1631
00:57:27,443 --> 00:57:30,113
(Crow laughing)
1632
00:57:32,248 --> 00:57:33,850
- [Crow] Even though I've never seen one of these things,
1633
00:57:33,850 --> 00:57:35,351
I'm completely terrified!
1634
00:57:36,519 --> 00:57:38,822
(Tom whimpering)
1635
00:57:38,822 --> 00:57:40,323
Watch it!
1636
00:57:40,323 --> 00:57:43,159
- [Mike] Big tombstones for the big and tall man.
1637
00:57:43,159 --> 00:57:46,729
(exciting music)
1638
00:57:46,729 --> 00:57:49,532
Hey, I just wanted to tell you your zipper's down.
1639
00:57:52,769 --> 00:57:53,703
(gunshot booming) - [Tom] Ow!
1640
00:57:53,703 --> 00:57:55,004
Ow!
1641
00:57:55,004 --> 00:57:58,341
(Mike chuckling)
1642
00:57:58,341 --> 00:58:00,043
- [Mike] Hi, how are you? My name's Richard.
1643
00:58:00,043 --> 00:58:02,045
Can I borrow your bike, that's really nice of you.
1644
00:58:02,045 --> 00:58:04,380
- [Crow] Gotta get to the sculpture garden.
1645
00:58:04,380 --> 00:58:05,248
- [Boy] Hey, come back with that!
1646
00:58:05,248 --> 00:58:06,482
That's my bike!
1647
00:58:07,650 --> 00:58:10,753
- [Mike] Pacific blue afternoons.
1648
00:58:10,753 --> 00:58:13,923
- [Crow] Join us for the East LA Fun Ride.
1649
00:58:13,923 --> 00:58:16,693
(Tom whimpering)
1650
00:58:18,728 --> 00:58:22,232
- [Tom] Oh, the garbage ran in front of me!
1651
00:58:22,232 --> 00:58:24,200
- [Mike As Pee-Wee Herman] "I meant to do that."
1652
00:58:24,200 --> 00:58:25,869
- [Crow] UPS man, down!
1653
00:58:28,304 --> 00:58:29,305
- [Tom] What is he doing?!
1654
00:58:29,305 --> 00:58:30,707
- [Mike] Ew.
1655
00:58:30,707 --> 00:58:32,675
- [Crow] Stop it! No heaving, thrusting or splaying!
1656
00:58:34,043 --> 00:58:35,511
- [Mike] Honey, we got mimes.
1657
00:58:36,746 --> 00:58:39,048
- [Tom] You wanna of them perverts?
1658
00:58:39,048 --> 00:58:40,183
- Hey, fella.
1659
00:58:40,183 --> 00:58:41,651
- [Crow] Go suck someone else's garbage.
1660
00:58:41,651 --> 00:58:44,320
- You've been through some really heavy scenes.
1661
00:58:44,320 --> 00:58:45,555
Come on, I'll give you a hand.
1662
00:58:45,555 --> 00:58:47,056
- [Mike] Trust me, I'm Keenan Ivory Wynn.
1663
00:58:47,056 --> 00:58:48,424
- There's nothing to be afraid of.
1664
00:58:48,424 --> 00:58:50,260
Come on, I'll give you a hand.
1665
00:58:50,260 --> 00:58:52,896
Come on, you're all right, everything is fine.
1666
00:58:52,896 --> 00:58:54,130
Come on!
1667
00:58:54,130 --> 00:58:55,565
- [Tom] He talks like Ruth Gordon.
1668
00:58:55,565 --> 00:58:58,101
(Crow whining)
1669
00:58:58,101 --> 00:58:59,502
- Good Lord.
1670
00:58:59,502 --> 00:59:00,770
- [Crow] Oh boy.
1671
00:59:00,770 --> 00:59:02,105
- He isn't hurt, he had a bike accident.
1672
00:59:02,105 --> 00:59:03,373
Just get some hot water.
1673
00:59:03,373 --> 00:59:04,340
- Oh, I will.
1674
00:59:04,340 --> 00:59:05,575
Oh my gracious.
1675
00:59:05,575 --> 00:59:08,244
Take him in there, take him in the other room.
1676
00:59:08,244 --> 00:59:10,880
- [Mike As Aunt Bee] "Andy!"
1677
00:59:10,880 --> 00:59:12,282
- Sit down here.
1678
00:59:12,282 --> 00:59:13,549
Perfectly all right.
1679
00:59:13,549 --> 00:59:14,584
- [Crow] Soon as Tanta Kringle gets in here,
1680
00:59:14,584 --> 00:59:15,852
we'll get started.
1681
00:59:15,852 --> 00:59:17,987
- [Woman] There you go.
1682
00:59:17,987 --> 00:59:18,922
Oh, wow.
1683
00:59:18,922 --> 00:59:20,657
- [Richard] Can you help me?
1684
00:59:20,657 --> 00:59:22,292
They're after me
1685
00:59:22,292 --> 00:59:23,559
and I've got to find my--
1686
00:59:23,559 --> 00:59:25,028
- Oh, hush now, here.
1687
00:59:25,028 --> 00:59:27,530
- [Tom] I'm just gonna pour ammonia in your eye.
1688
00:59:27,530 --> 00:59:30,366
- Anna will talk your leg off while she's fixing you up.
1689
00:59:31,668 --> 00:59:33,636
- He says I talk too much but I don't.
1690
00:59:34,504 --> 00:59:35,438
Oh.
1691
00:59:35,438 --> 00:59:36,773
- [Mike] You are a hunk of man.
1692
00:59:36,773 --> 00:59:39,309
- Try to get a word in edge-wise around him.
1693
00:59:39,309 --> 00:59:40,209
- What is that?
1694
00:59:40,209 --> 00:59:41,144
- What?
1695
00:59:41,144 --> 00:59:42,812
- Right there, what is that?
1696
00:59:42,812 --> 00:59:46,049
- Oh, Jake, that's an earring.
1697
00:59:46,049 --> 00:59:47,250
They're all wearing them.
1698
00:59:47,250 --> 00:59:49,152
- [Crow] That means he's a friend of Dorothy.
1699
00:59:49,152 --> 00:59:50,954
- Will you help me find my other part?
1700
00:59:50,954 --> 00:59:52,522
- [Tom] Help you find Arvo Pärt?
1701
00:59:52,522 --> 00:59:55,058
- This part you keep talking about.
1702
00:59:55,058 --> 00:59:56,893
- [Mike] Wow, that is one sexy bun.
1703
00:59:56,893 --> 00:59:58,661
- [Crow] Yeah, her hairstyle's cute too.
1704
00:59:58,661 --> 01:00:00,530
(Mike chuckling)
1705
01:00:00,530 --> 01:00:02,498
- [Tom] 53 hours of AOL?!
1706
01:00:05,802 --> 01:00:07,370
- This is your father.
1707
01:00:07,370 --> 01:00:09,205
- Let's see that.
1708
01:00:09,205 --> 01:00:10,039
Let's see it.
1709
01:00:10,039 --> 01:00:10,907
- All right, dear!
1710
01:00:10,907 --> 01:00:11,808
- I would like to.
1711
01:00:11,808 --> 01:00:13,009
- [Crow] Good improv.
1712
01:00:13,009 --> 01:00:14,010
- [Richard] I don't know who he is.
1713
01:00:14,010 --> 01:00:15,979
I only know I'm his clone.
1714
01:00:15,979 --> 01:00:16,813
- Clone?
1715
01:00:17,981 --> 01:00:19,482
Clone, now where have I heard that?
1716
01:00:19,482 --> 01:00:20,850
Clone.
1717
01:00:20,850 --> 01:00:21,951
Oh, I just--
1718
01:00:21,951 --> 01:00:23,152
- [Tom] Well.
1719
01:00:23,152 --> 01:00:24,887
- Jake, do you know what a clone is?
1720
01:00:24,887 --> 01:00:27,090
- Just keep quiet for a moment, will you, Anna?
1721
01:00:27,090 --> 01:00:29,125
- Everybody knows what a clone is.
1722
01:00:29,125 --> 01:00:32,562
Let me see, I was reading in the Digest the other day.
1723
01:00:32,562 --> 01:00:33,763
- [Crow] Think.
1724
01:00:33,763 --> 01:00:34,697
- [Anna] And there was an article about--
1725
01:00:34,697 --> 01:00:35,598
- [Jake] Anna, would you just--
1726
01:00:35,598 --> 01:00:36,866
- [Anna] Tadpoles!
1727
01:00:36,866 --> 01:00:38,801
- Look, I broke into the main building.
1728
01:00:38,801 --> 01:00:42,038
I got that paper and the records of all my friends.
1729
01:00:42,038 --> 01:00:43,272
You know what they're trying to do?
1730
01:00:43,272 --> 01:00:44,874
I can prove they're trying to kill--
1731
01:00:44,874 --> 01:00:46,409
- Sonny, sonny, please.
1732
01:00:46,409 --> 01:00:47,977
Just keep it down.
1733
01:00:47,977 --> 01:00:49,212
- [Tom] All the double-wides in LA,
1734
01:00:49,212 --> 01:00:51,647
he hold up with "The Lockhorns."
1735
01:00:51,647 --> 01:00:52,849
- The place.
1736
01:00:52,849 --> 01:00:55,218
- [Mike] A face inspired by a tuna melt.
1737
01:00:55,218 --> 01:00:56,486
- Clonus.
1738
01:00:56,486 --> 01:00:58,354
- [Crow] Oh, the horror down the street, sure.
1739
01:00:58,354 --> 01:01:00,523
- I'm going to help you find your father.
1740
01:01:01,624 --> 01:01:03,159
Now, I'm a newspaper reporter.
1741
01:01:03,159 --> 01:01:04,160
- He's retired.
1742
01:01:04,160 --> 01:01:06,162
Forced to at 65!
1743
01:01:06,162 --> 01:01:08,531
- I am a newspaper reporter!
1744
01:01:08,531 --> 01:01:10,366
You don't have to tell me right now who shot you.
1745
01:01:10,366 --> 01:01:13,770
- Yes, well you just leave him be, will you, Jake?!
1746
01:01:13,770 --> 01:01:15,271
Now, let's look at this address.
1747
01:01:15,271 --> 01:01:17,940
- [Mike] Keenan Wynn is Jack Perkins as Mr. Food.
1748
01:01:17,940 --> 01:01:19,575
- Well, I can tell him how to get there.
1749
01:01:19,575 --> 01:01:21,177
- No you can't tell him how to get there,
1750
01:01:21,177 --> 01:01:23,379
you're going with him, right now!
1751
01:01:23,379 --> 01:01:24,213
- Anna.
1752
01:01:24,213 --> 01:01:25,481
- What?
1753
01:01:25,481 --> 01:01:26,682
- [Crow] If you weren't pregnant, I'd leave you.
1754
01:01:26,682 --> 01:01:27,884
- Don't you think he's maybe a little...
1755
01:01:27,884 --> 01:01:30,319
(Crow whimpering like a puppy)
1756
01:01:30,319 --> 01:01:32,221
- Won't you take me to find my other part?
1757
01:01:32,221 --> 01:01:35,191
♪ Won't you take me to find my other part ♪
1758
01:01:35,191 --> 01:01:36,025
- We will!
1759
01:01:37,527 --> 01:01:38,795
- [Richard] Will you take me now?
1760
01:01:38,795 --> 01:01:40,029
- [Tom] Whoa!
1761
01:01:40,029 --> 01:01:41,497
- Yeah, I'll take you.
1762
01:01:41,497 --> 01:01:42,965
- Well, at last.
1763
01:01:42,965 --> 01:01:45,868
If he didn't, he'd never hear the last of it.
1764
01:01:45,868 --> 01:01:47,336
Well, don't sit there, go.
1765
01:01:47,336 --> 01:01:48,604
- I'm going!
1766
01:01:48,604 --> 01:01:50,606
I have to put on a necktie and a coat.
1767
01:01:51,808 --> 01:01:53,709
- [Crow] Do you realize how much I hate you?!
1768
01:01:53,709 --> 01:01:54,977
- Jake!
1769
01:01:54,977 --> 01:01:57,547
(upbeat music)
1770
01:02:01,417 --> 01:02:02,518
- [All] Whoa!
1771
01:02:03,619 --> 01:02:04,687
- [Mike] Oh, why?
1772
01:02:07,523 --> 01:02:08,791
- [Crow] "Agua."
1773
01:02:08,791 --> 01:02:10,693
- "Once we killed with stone clubs."
1774
01:02:10,693 --> 01:02:11,961
- [Crow] Richard Harris as Robert Bly.
1775
01:02:11,961 --> 01:02:14,063
- "Now we kill with atomic bombs."
1776
01:02:15,131 --> 01:02:15,965
Period.
1777
01:02:17,133 --> 01:02:18,267
Paragraph.
1778
01:02:18,267 --> 01:02:19,202
- [Mike] And erase it all.
1779
01:02:19,202 --> 01:02:21,070
- Are you through yet?
1780
01:02:21,070 --> 01:02:22,271
- Why, do I bore you?
1781
01:02:22,271 --> 01:02:23,639
- Today, yes.
1782
01:02:23,639 --> 01:02:24,874
- [Tom] Everyday, yes.
1783
01:02:24,874 --> 01:02:26,542
- What about the idea of taking today off?
1784
01:02:26,542 --> 01:02:28,144
No dull philosophy for you
1785
01:02:28,144 --> 01:02:31,047
and no boring speech writing for me.
1786
01:02:31,047 --> 01:02:33,149
- You bored campaigning with your Uncle Jeff?
1787
01:02:33,149 --> 01:02:35,451
- [Crow] Mark Spitz and Michael Caine at home.
1788
01:02:37,453 --> 01:02:39,055
- [Mike] Oh no, no, no, oh.
1789
01:02:39,055 --> 01:02:39,922
- [Crow] Oh boy.
1790
01:02:39,922 --> 01:02:40,756
Stay.
1791
01:02:40,756 --> 01:02:42,592
- [Tom] Don't.
1792
01:02:42,592 --> 01:02:45,194
- [Mike] Oh, we've found it, this is the horror.
1793
01:02:45,194 --> 01:02:47,463
- [Tom] Stop it! What have we ever done to you?
1794
01:02:48,664 --> 01:02:51,634
- And you try to blind those who cannot see.
1795
01:02:51,634 --> 01:02:53,269
- [Crow] With your shrink-wrapped batch.
1796
01:02:53,269 --> 01:02:55,104
- That's a good line.
1797
01:02:55,104 --> 01:02:56,405
Using that in the class?
1798
01:02:56,405 --> 01:02:58,241
- [Tom] A bad version of "Prick Up Your Ears."
1799
01:02:58,241 --> 01:02:59,175
- Who's red?
1800
01:02:59,175 --> 01:03:00,209
- Me. - Excuse me.
1801
01:03:00,209 --> 01:03:02,378
I beg your pardon.
1802
01:03:02,378 --> 01:03:03,779
Mr. Richard Knight?
1803
01:03:03,779 --> 01:03:04,981
- Yes.
1804
01:03:04,981 --> 01:03:05,915
- [Crow] The neighbors have got together
1805
01:03:05,915 --> 01:03:07,016
and bought your friend a robe.
1806
01:03:07,016 --> 01:03:08,484
- Richard Patrick Knight?
1807
01:03:08,484 --> 01:03:10,486
- [Richard] You have the advantage on me.
1808
01:03:10,486 --> 01:03:11,654
- I'm sorry.
1809
01:03:11,654 --> 01:03:13,289
My name is Jake Noble.
1810
01:03:13,289 --> 01:03:14,891
- [Mike] Napoleon imitator.
1811
01:03:14,891 --> 01:03:17,693
- I wonder if I could talk to you in private.
1812
01:03:17,693 --> 01:03:18,961
- This is my son, Rick.
1813
01:03:18,961 --> 01:03:20,796
We can certainly speak in front of him.
1814
01:03:20,796 --> 01:03:21,731
What is it that you want?
1815
01:03:21,731 --> 01:03:22,665
- [Tom] To cover his parts.
1816
01:03:22,665 --> 01:03:24,000
- Oh, I have your other son.
1817
01:03:24,000 --> 01:03:26,369
- Other son, what're you talking about?
1818
01:03:26,369 --> 01:03:28,337
What other son?
1819
01:03:28,337 --> 01:03:29,472
- The one who was shot.
1820
01:03:30,606 --> 01:03:32,308
The one who keeps talking about Clonus.
1821
01:03:33,776 --> 01:03:35,444
- Look, Mr. Noble, I don't know who you are,
1822
01:03:35,444 --> 01:03:36,946
I don't know what you want
1823
01:03:36,946 --> 01:03:38,981
but I've got a lot of work to do and my son, here--
1824
01:03:38,981 --> 01:03:40,216
- He's right outside.
1825
01:03:40,216 --> 01:03:41,150
- [Crow] Let's show him what he's won.
1826
01:03:41,150 --> 01:03:42,552
- But I don't have another son.
1827
01:03:42,552 --> 01:03:43,386
- Oh, really?
1828
01:03:44,554 --> 01:03:46,122
Well then how do you explain this?
1829
01:03:47,290 --> 01:03:49,125
- [Mike] I got out of my car seat.
1830
01:03:49,125 --> 01:03:51,327
Oh, and you need to change me again.
1831
01:03:52,695 --> 01:03:54,263
- What is this, a joke?
1832
01:03:54,263 --> 01:03:57,133
- [Tom] Are you a clown, do you amuse me?
1833
01:03:57,133 --> 01:03:58,267
- [Mike] Another Scott Baio.
1834
01:03:58,267 --> 01:03:59,068
- [Tom] Wow!
1835
01:04:01,504 --> 01:04:04,407
- [Crow] Did the guys at the office set this up?
1836
01:04:04,407 --> 01:04:06,008
- Who are you?
1837
01:04:06,008 --> 01:04:07,443
- I'm you, Mr. Knight.
1838
01:04:07,443 --> 01:04:08,978
I'm your clone.
1839
01:04:08,978 --> 01:04:11,414
- [Tom] Oh, that's right, I ordered one and forgot.
1840
01:04:11,414 --> 01:04:14,717
(ominous music)
1841
01:04:14,717 --> 01:04:15,718
- [Walker] Don't tell me that.
1842
01:04:15,718 --> 01:04:17,386
- [Crow] It's dirty.
1843
01:04:17,386 --> 01:04:19,021
- [Walker] Damn it, why am I paying you
1844
01:04:19,021 --> 01:04:20,723
all of this money for security?
1845
01:04:20,723 --> 01:04:22,391
I don't care what it takes.
1846
01:04:22,391 --> 01:04:23,893
- [Mike] We should get cubicles.
1847
01:04:23,893 --> 01:04:27,163
- [Walker] If you can't handle it, I've got people who can.
1848
01:04:27,163 --> 01:04:29,432
Now I don't have to remind you what could happen to you
1849
01:04:29,432 --> 01:04:31,901
if that tape got into the wrong hands, do I?
1850
01:04:31,901 --> 01:04:32,902
- [Jameson] No, sir.
1851
01:04:33,803 --> 01:04:34,837
- [Walker] Well do I?
1852
01:04:34,837 --> 01:04:35,671
- [Jameson] No, sir.
1853
01:04:35,671 --> 01:04:36,505
- [Tom] Well do I?
1854
01:04:36,505 --> 01:04:37,740
- [Mike] No, sir.
1855
01:04:37,740 --> 01:04:39,208
- [Walker] I knew you'd see it my way.
1856
01:04:40,409 --> 01:04:41,310
- [Crow] I thought it was skin cream
1857
01:04:41,310 --> 01:04:42,612
but it was Elmer's Glue.
1858
01:04:44,380 --> 01:04:47,350
- [TV Narrator] An ongoing and self-supporting institution
1859
01:04:47,350 --> 01:04:49,352
of service and research.
1860
01:04:49,352 --> 01:04:51,187
- [Mike] At Oral Roberts University.
1861
01:04:51,187 --> 01:04:52,655
- That's incredible.
1862
01:04:52,655 --> 01:04:54,924
- Difficult to believe is more like it.
1863
01:04:54,924 --> 01:04:56,425
- [Tom] Will you wipe me, clone daddy?
1864
01:04:56,425 --> 01:04:57,293
- Get up!
1865
01:04:58,794 --> 01:05:00,630
- [Jake] What're you doing?
1866
01:05:00,630 --> 01:05:01,831
- [Mike] Oh.
1867
01:05:01,831 --> 01:05:03,366
- [Old Richard] He is a clone, my clone!
1868
01:05:03,366 --> 01:05:05,701
- [Crow] Ugh, like the movie wasn't horrible enough?!
1869
01:05:05,701 --> 01:05:08,437
- Someone took bits of you and created a duplicate.
1870
01:05:10,740 --> 01:05:12,742
- [Mike] Are you mad at me, clone daddy?
1871
01:05:13,709 --> 01:05:14,710
- Damned if I know.
1872
01:05:16,112 --> 01:05:17,747
- Now this place you keep talking about, Clonus.
1873
01:05:17,747 --> 01:05:19,348
- [Tom] Is there a bar?
1874
01:05:19,348 --> 01:05:21,684
- Is everybody from there a clone?
1875
01:05:21,684 --> 01:05:23,185
- No, they're all my friends
1876
01:05:23,185 --> 01:05:26,889
and then there are the guides and the doctors
1877
01:05:26,889 --> 01:05:28,958
and that's all I've ever seen on Clonus.
1878
01:05:28,958 --> 01:05:30,293
- Why?
1879
01:05:30,293 --> 01:05:33,062
Why Clonus and who's doing it?
1880
01:05:34,063 --> 01:05:35,097
- [Ricky] Where is Clonus?
1881
01:05:35,097 --> 01:05:36,732
- I don't know!
1882
01:05:36,732 --> 01:05:38,134
I am confused!
1883
01:05:38,134 --> 01:05:39,268
- [Crow] Put me in my Johnny Jump Up!
1884
01:05:39,268 --> 01:05:41,404
- I ran a long ways.
1885
01:05:42,872 --> 01:05:44,140
And then I came up to the boulders and I looked down
1886
01:05:44,140 --> 01:05:45,841
and this is what I saw.
1887
01:05:45,841 --> 01:05:47,543
- If he escape from Clonus.
1888
01:05:47,543 --> 01:05:49,011
- [Crow] Yeah.
1889
01:05:49,011 --> 01:05:51,547
- Somebody is probably looking for him right now.
1890
01:05:51,547 --> 01:05:52,748
Jake?
1891
01:05:52,748 --> 01:05:53,549
- [Mike] A nice roast beef sandwich
1892
01:05:53,549 --> 01:05:55,251
with horseradish on it.
1893
01:05:56,485 --> 01:05:57,820
- Well I hope you're right.
1894
01:05:57,820 --> 01:05:59,722
- [Tom] Do you cry a lot, clone daddy?
1895
01:05:59,722 --> 01:06:02,191
- We better proceed as if nobody,
1896
01:06:02,191 --> 01:06:04,327
nobody else knows you exist
1897
01:06:04,327 --> 01:06:05,628
or where you are.
1898
01:06:05,628 --> 01:06:07,129
- Professor.
1899
01:06:07,129 --> 01:06:09,298
You know that tip will blow the lid off of everything?
1900
01:06:09,298 --> 01:06:10,766
- [Crow] Speaking of, where's the bathroom?
1901
01:06:10,766 --> 01:06:12,568
- [Ricky] Yeah but what're we gonna do with it
1902
01:06:12,568 --> 01:06:13,436
in the meantime?
1903
01:06:13,436 --> 01:06:14,370
- I'll take it home.
1904
01:06:14,370 --> 01:06:15,638
- [Ricky] You?
1905
01:06:15,638 --> 01:06:16,572
- [Mike] I'm gonna tape golf over it.
1906
01:06:16,572 --> 01:06:18,674
- I know where to keep it.
1907
01:06:18,674 --> 01:06:19,842
- That's good.
1908
01:06:19,842 --> 01:06:22,545
Rick, is Jeff at home?
1909
01:06:22,545 --> 01:06:23,479
- Sure.
1910
01:06:23,479 --> 01:06:24,580
(Mike, Tom and Crow laughing)
1911
01:06:24,580 --> 01:06:26,716
- Fine, I wanna speak to Jeff
1912
01:06:26,716 --> 01:06:27,950
and meet him somewhere.
1913
01:06:27,950 --> 01:06:29,118
This whole thing is probably something
1914
01:06:29,118 --> 01:06:30,820
the public is not supposed to know about.
1915
01:06:30,820 --> 01:06:33,656
Jeff may have heard of this place, Clonus,
1916
01:06:33,656 --> 01:06:35,758
and can fill in some of the empty blanks.
1917
01:06:35,758 --> 01:06:36,959
- I don't think so, Dad,
1918
01:06:36,959 --> 01:06:38,294
because I know just about everything
1919
01:06:38,294 --> 01:06:39,195
that's going on with Jeff.
1920
01:06:39,195 --> 01:06:40,629
- [Tom] Uh-huh.
1921
01:06:40,629 --> 01:06:43,499
- Professor, are you talking about the Jeff Knight?
1922
01:06:43,499 --> 01:06:45,034
- Senator Knight's my brother.
1923
01:06:45,034 --> 01:06:46,302
- That's very interesting.
1924
01:06:46,302 --> 01:06:47,536
- Yeah, well, he'll know if anybody will
1925
01:06:47,536 --> 01:06:48,771
or know he'll know how to find out.
1926
01:06:48,771 --> 01:06:51,073
I'm going to try to call him.
1927
01:06:51,073 --> 01:06:54,176
- We'll go take care of everything, son.
1928
01:06:54,176 --> 01:06:56,846
- [Tom] And they all head into the closet.
1929
01:06:58,280 --> 01:06:59,949
- [Rick] Looks like you could use some new clothes.
1930
01:06:59,949 --> 01:07:01,417
Let me get you some.
1931
01:07:01,417 --> 01:07:02,618
Does your shoulder hurt?
1932
01:07:02,618 --> 01:07:04,120
- [Crow] Let me get you some boot-cut jeans,
1933
01:07:04,120 --> 01:07:05,621
some mesh cut off tees
1934
01:07:05,621 --> 01:07:07,223
and some tight cargo shorts.
1935
01:07:10,693 --> 01:07:12,361
- [Tom] Hey, short time companion.
1936
01:07:12,361 --> 01:07:13,629
- [Rick] You look so sad.
1937
01:07:15,297 --> 01:07:16,699
Everything's going to be all right.
1938
01:07:16,699 --> 01:07:17,933
- [Crow] So, you're stupid, hideous,
1939
01:07:17,933 --> 01:07:19,535
ugly and repulsive clone, so what?
1940
01:07:21,137 --> 01:07:21,971
Ugh, boy.
1941
01:07:21,971 --> 01:07:23,539
- This is not my world.
1942
01:07:23,539 --> 01:07:25,007
- [Mike] It's a marshmallow world.
1943
01:07:25,007 --> 01:07:26,642
- I am so alone here.
1944
01:07:26,642 --> 01:07:27,710
- [Tom] Well, there's the Ropers
1945
01:07:27,710 --> 01:07:29,478
and Jack Tripper downstairs.
1946
01:07:31,514 --> 01:07:32,348
- [Mike] Hello?
1947
01:07:33,582 --> 01:07:35,317
- [Crow] Grandma's back and she had Ensure.
1948
01:07:35,317 --> 01:07:36,886
- Rich, hey!
1949
01:07:36,886 --> 01:07:38,721
- [Tom] There he is.
1950
01:07:38,721 --> 01:07:39,655
- Sorry I'm late.
1951
01:07:39,655 --> 01:07:41,157
- It's okay, thanks for coming.
1952
01:07:41,157 --> 01:07:42,825
- Oh, well, you know, trying to get away from the campaign.
1953
01:07:42,825 --> 01:07:44,093
- Sorry, sorry.
1954
01:07:45,194 --> 01:07:46,629
- I hope Rick's taking the day off too.
1955
01:07:46,629 --> 01:07:47,797
- He sure is.
1956
01:07:47,797 --> 01:07:49,298
- [Tom] Peter Graves movie bookend.
1957
01:07:49,298 --> 01:07:53,269
- This supposed clone you mentioned on the telephone.
1958
01:07:53,269 --> 01:07:54,603
- [Crow] Is he cute?
1959
01:07:54,603 --> 01:07:55,738
- Where is he?
1960
01:07:55,738 --> 01:07:56,972
- My house, why?
1961
01:07:56,972 --> 01:07:57,907
- [Mike] He's need for "Biography."
1962
01:07:57,907 --> 01:08:00,376
- Well, because this is big.
1963
01:08:00,376 --> 01:08:01,410
It's really big.
1964
01:08:02,678 --> 01:08:04,780
Is the tape at your place too?
1965
01:08:04,780 --> 01:08:05,915
- How did you know about that?
1966
01:08:05,915 --> 01:08:07,883
I didn't say anything about a tape.
1967
01:08:07,883 --> 01:08:09,084
- Well, I just assumed.
1968
01:08:09,084 --> 01:08:10,319
Everything's on tape today, isn't it?
1969
01:08:10,319 --> 01:08:12,822
- No, you didn't assume, you know, didn't you?
1970
01:08:12,822 --> 01:08:15,090
- [Tom] All right, draw.
1971
01:08:15,090 --> 01:08:17,626
- [Jeff] Yeah, you saw the tape?
1972
01:08:17,626 --> 01:08:18,861
- Yeah and it's scary.
1973
01:08:18,861 --> 01:08:20,362
- [Crow] Adam Sandler's in it.
1974
01:08:21,897 --> 01:08:23,132
- All right, you know part of the story,
1975
01:08:23,132 --> 01:08:24,266
there is such a project.
1976
01:08:24,266 --> 01:08:25,968
- [Mike] On "Biography" tonight on A&E.
1977
01:08:25,968 --> 01:08:27,470
- It's still in the experimental stage.
1978
01:08:27,470 --> 01:08:29,472
- [Tom] It's called "Biography On Ice."
1979
01:08:29,472 --> 01:08:31,907
- But the fact that you know about it
1980
01:08:31,907 --> 01:08:33,843
leaves you sitting right on a keg of dynamite.
1981
01:08:33,843 --> 01:08:36,345
- [Mike] Oh, hey, and remember to watch "Biography."
1982
01:08:36,345 --> 01:08:38,180
Paul Lynde, tonight.
1983
01:08:38,180 --> 01:08:39,515
- [Crow] Climb aboard "The Monkey Business."
1984
01:08:39,515 --> 01:08:41,383
Donna Rice is waiting below deck.
1985
01:08:42,818 --> 01:08:45,721
- [Tom] We have brainstormed a lot of good biographies
1986
01:08:45,721 --> 01:08:46,555
on this baby.
1987
01:08:51,994 --> 01:08:53,429
- You're gonna find this hard to understand.
1988
01:08:53,429 --> 01:08:54,697
I know I do.
1989
01:08:54,697 --> 01:08:55,898
- [Mike] You can't be on "Biography."
1990
01:08:55,898 --> 01:08:58,133
- The whole thing is about organ transplants.
1991
01:08:58,133 --> 01:08:59,635
- What?
1992
01:08:59,635 --> 01:09:00,836
- That's right, hearts, kidneys, lungs, all that.
1993
01:09:00,836 --> 01:09:02,271
- [Crow] Thumbs, elbows, nasal hair.
1994
01:09:02,271 --> 01:09:04,373
- If a person needs an organ transplant, his clone,
1995
01:09:04,373 --> 01:09:06,675
which is an exact duplicate of him,
1996
01:09:06,675 --> 01:09:08,377
can provide him one very easily.
1997
01:09:08,377 --> 01:09:11,080
- They're used for transplants for who?
1998
01:09:11,080 --> 01:09:12,348
- Well, obviously not for everyone.
1999
01:09:12,348 --> 01:09:14,016
It wouldn't be practical or economical.
2000
01:09:14,016 --> 01:09:14,950
- [Tom] Or Republican.
2001
01:09:14,950 --> 01:09:17,119
- I see, for the select few.
2002
01:09:17,119 --> 01:09:20,022
Those the politicians decide.
2003
01:09:20,022 --> 01:09:23,792
While you try to create a master race.
2004
01:09:23,792 --> 01:09:25,961
- Consider the possibilities.
2005
01:09:25,961 --> 01:09:27,630
Supposed Einstein had lived.
2006
01:09:27,630 --> 01:09:29,865
Suppose Churchill or Roosevelt had been able to live
2007
01:09:29,865 --> 01:09:33,435
for nearly 200 years and still function for the world!
2008
01:09:33,435 --> 01:09:35,104
- Or Stalin or Hitler.
2009
01:09:35,104 --> 01:09:36,372
- [Crow] Yeah, right, exactly.
2010
01:09:36,372 --> 01:09:37,606
- Ever since we were little kids,
2011
01:09:37,606 --> 01:09:39,308
you've been doing that knight on a crusade.
2012
01:09:39,308 --> 01:09:41,143
There are a lot of things more important.
2013
01:09:41,143 --> 01:09:43,212
There is the good of the people.
2014
01:09:43,212 --> 01:09:44,613
- Good of the people?!
2015
01:09:44,613 --> 01:09:46,382
- [Tom] "Good of the people! Good of the people!"
2016
01:09:46,382 --> 01:09:47,550
(Mike laughing)
2017
01:09:47,550 --> 01:09:49,018
- He's been shot!
2018
01:09:49,018 --> 01:09:50,386
You're telling me that's for the good of the people?
2019
01:09:50,386 --> 01:09:52,521
- [Mike] Fine, then you host "Biography."
2020
01:09:52,521 --> 01:09:56,759
- Using that boy for transplants is premeditated murder.
2021
01:09:56,759 --> 01:09:59,762
Those people are being kept prisoner for a specific purpose,
2022
01:09:59,762 --> 01:10:01,630
which eventually leads to their death!
2023
01:10:01,630 --> 01:10:03,933
What happened to their human rights?
2024
01:10:03,933 --> 01:10:04,867
What?
2025
01:10:04,867 --> 01:10:05,801
- Well that's exactly the point.
2026
01:10:05,801 --> 01:10:06,969
Human rights.
2027
01:10:06,969 --> 01:10:09,305
Clones are not humans, they're things.
2028
01:10:09,305 --> 01:10:10,472
- They're people!
2029
01:10:10,472 --> 01:10:11,574
Exactly like us!
2030
01:10:11,574 --> 01:10:13,042
- No they're not.
2031
01:10:13,042 --> 01:10:14,343
If it weren't for us, they wouldn't even exist.
2032
01:10:14,343 --> 01:10:15,177
- [Tom] On "Biography."
2033
01:10:15,177 --> 01:10:16,679
- You're playing God.
2034
01:10:16,679 --> 01:10:18,180
Jeff, that's wrong!
2035
01:10:18,180 --> 01:10:20,683
- The ultimate intention is to help humanity, Rich.
2036
01:10:20,683 --> 01:10:22,785
- Then why keep it a secret?
2037
01:10:22,785 --> 01:10:24,053
- Because as soon as the word got out,
2038
01:10:24,053 --> 01:10:25,521
you know what would happen,
2039
01:10:25,521 --> 01:10:27,756
people would start yelling "corruption and evil."
2040
01:10:27,756 --> 01:10:29,458
They'd condemn the idea of immortality
2041
01:10:29,458 --> 01:10:30,759
as being against the purpose of creation.
2042
01:10:30,759 --> 01:10:31,694
(Tom mimicking ape)
2043
01:10:31,694 --> 01:10:32,861
Or some nonsense like that
2044
01:10:32,861 --> 01:10:34,063
and you know what they'd really be saying?
2045
01:10:34,063 --> 01:10:35,331
- [Mike] Bite me!
2046
01:10:35,331 --> 01:10:37,266
- "Why not me? Why can't I have one?"
2047
01:10:37,266 --> 01:10:39,068
- Now this can't be kept secret.
2048
01:10:39,068 --> 01:10:41,403
It's legally and morally wrong!
2049
01:10:41,403 --> 01:10:43,639
(rumbling)
2050
01:10:44,907 --> 01:10:47,276
(beeping)
2051
01:10:47,276 --> 01:10:49,111
(mechanical buzzing)
2052
01:10:49,111 --> 01:10:52,748
(chains rattling)
2053
01:10:52,748 --> 01:10:55,150
(thudding)
2054
01:10:55,150 --> 01:10:57,019
- Hey, what's going on down there, Mike?
2055
01:10:57,019 --> 01:11:00,322
- Well, the kids asked Mrs. Forrester a difficult question,
2056
01:11:00,322 --> 01:11:01,957
so they're having a serious talk.
2057
01:11:01,957 --> 01:11:03,325
You know, "that" talk.
2058
01:11:03,325 --> 01:11:04,293
- Ah.
2059
01:11:04,293 --> 01:11:06,462
Kirk versus Picard, huh?
2060
01:11:06,462 --> 01:11:08,497
Yeah, that's a tough one.
2061
01:11:08,497 --> 01:11:09,798
- Yeah, exactly.
2062
01:11:11,934 --> 01:11:14,536
- Oh, the facts of life.
2063
01:11:15,804 --> 01:11:18,674
Don't you kids get the "Spice Channel?"
2064
01:11:20,009 --> 01:11:23,912
- I believe it was a mediocre sitcom of the 1980s
2065
01:11:23,912 --> 01:11:25,781
starring Charlotte Rae.
2066
01:11:27,683 --> 01:11:28,517
Anyway...
2067
01:11:29,952 --> 01:11:32,021
- Now wouldn't you rather have Tanta Bobo show you
2068
01:11:32,021 --> 01:11:35,257
how to use a stick to catch some yummy, crunchy termites?
2069
01:11:35,257 --> 01:11:36,091
- No.
2070
01:11:37,159 --> 01:11:38,927
- Okay, okay, here we go then.
2071
01:11:38,927 --> 01:11:41,297
- When two brains love each other,
2072
01:11:41,297 --> 01:11:44,933
they may decide they want to share the same brain pan,
2073
01:11:44,933 --> 01:11:46,201
as it where.
2074
01:11:46,201 --> 01:11:48,537
- Every chick for herself,
2075
01:11:48,537 --> 01:11:51,707
that's the real facts of life, cookie.
2076
01:11:51,707 --> 01:11:55,244
If he wants to dance, he's gonna have to pay the band.
2077
01:11:55,244 --> 01:11:57,046
He wants to paint the house,
2078
01:11:57,046 --> 01:11:58,947
he's gonna have to buy the enamel.
2079
01:12:00,482 --> 01:12:01,517
And the primer.
2080
01:12:02,985 --> 01:12:05,220
And you still might wanna consider aluminum siding.
2081
01:12:05,220 --> 01:12:07,923
- Grandma Pearl, I don't know what you're talking about.
2082
01:12:07,923 --> 01:12:10,826
- I'm not sure I do either, darling.
2083
01:12:10,826 --> 01:12:13,262
But if he wants to sod the lawn--
2084
01:12:13,262 --> 01:12:17,232
- Yes, lad, love is kind and tender and delicate.
2085
01:12:17,232 --> 01:12:19,201
The gentle pleasures of two people
2086
01:12:19,201 --> 01:12:21,337
connecting in love are many.
2087
01:12:22,504 --> 01:12:25,808
Love is a sort of gossamer beauty
2088
01:12:25,808 --> 01:12:27,076
and ignore it!
2089
01:12:27,076 --> 01:12:29,144
Thankfully we've moved beyond that nonsense.
2090
01:12:30,612 --> 01:12:33,348
- A really good mate's gonna be able to outrun you for a bit
2091
01:12:33,348 --> 01:12:35,617
but just grab hold of one leg and hang on tight,
2092
01:12:35,617 --> 01:12:38,554
you're gonna get kicked, that's always part of it.
2093
01:12:38,554 --> 01:12:41,056
And an advanced tool user's probably gonna nail you
2094
01:12:41,056 --> 01:12:42,324
with a few rocks.
2095
01:12:42,324 --> 01:12:43,726
And there are always rivals to fend off.
2096
01:12:43,726 --> 01:12:46,261
That's why we have the full charge.
2097
01:12:46,261 --> 01:12:48,731
Now I'm gonna demonstrate, so don't worry, don't be scared.
2098
01:12:48,731 --> 01:12:50,332
Just watch me.
2099
01:12:50,332 --> 01:12:53,102
(growling)
2100
01:12:53,102 --> 01:12:54,203
(gagging)
2101
01:12:54,203 --> 01:12:56,071
Good boy, you'll go far.
2102
01:12:57,873 --> 01:12:58,741
(chuckling)
2103
01:12:58,741 --> 01:13:01,210
(upbeat music)
2104
01:13:06,148 --> 01:13:08,150
- If I need another heart, what am I supposed to do?
2105
01:13:08,150 --> 01:13:09,852
- [Tom] I blew all my "Biography" money.
2106
01:13:09,852 --> 01:13:11,353
Went straight up my nose.
2107
01:13:11,353 --> 01:13:13,689
- That heart operation I had two years ago.
2108
01:13:13,689 --> 01:13:15,858
The heart came from my adult clone.
2109
01:13:15,858 --> 01:13:18,460
It's exactly the same as my old heart only younger
2110
01:13:18,460 --> 01:13:20,696
and stronger and without it, I wouldn't be alive today.
2111
01:13:20,696 --> 01:13:21,630
- [Mike] In fact, I'm not.
2112
01:13:21,630 --> 01:13:22,865
- My new clone is just a baby.
2113
01:13:22,865 --> 01:13:25,801
- [Rich] Now wait a minute, you have two?
2114
01:13:25,801 --> 01:13:26,969
- [Crow] Clone hog!
2115
01:13:26,969 --> 01:13:28,737
- I plan to be around a long time.
2116
01:13:28,737 --> 01:13:31,774
And, Rich, I am offering you a gift certificate to life
2117
01:13:31,774 --> 01:13:33,242
and you turn your back on me.
2118
01:13:33,242 --> 01:13:34,710
Your my brother and I love you.
2119
01:13:34,710 --> 01:13:37,179
Do you know the strings I had to pull to get you cloned?
2120
01:13:37,179 --> 01:13:39,148
- [Rich] How did they clone me without me knowing it?
2121
01:13:39,148 --> 01:13:40,082
- That's easy.
2122
01:13:40,082 --> 01:13:41,116
All it takes is one body cell.
2123
01:13:41,116 --> 01:13:42,918
It happened almost 30 years ago
2124
01:13:42,918 --> 01:13:45,120
during one of your physicals.
2125
01:13:45,120 --> 01:13:47,589
Rich, this is your chance for immortality.
2126
01:13:47,589 --> 01:13:49,358
You don't have to worry about dying
2127
01:13:49,358 --> 01:13:51,059
because there is a duplicate of you.
2128
01:13:51,059 --> 01:13:53,162
And if you don't believe it, go back and take a look
2129
01:13:53,162 --> 01:13:54,563
at that clone you have.
2130
01:13:54,563 --> 01:13:57,199
Its been conditioned for 30 years to make sure
2131
01:13:57,199 --> 01:14:00,068
that you and I stay brother for a long time.
2132
01:14:01,003 --> 01:14:02,671
- [Tom] Mom says hi, by the way.
2133
01:14:03,872 --> 01:14:06,241
- [Mike] Well, I've had my eye on a new spleen.
2134
01:14:08,243 --> 01:14:09,812
- I have to think about all this.
2135
01:14:09,812 --> 01:14:10,646
- All right.
2136
01:14:10,646 --> 01:14:12,314
All right, you do that.
2137
01:14:12,314 --> 01:14:14,149
Because there are people who will do anything
2138
01:14:14,149 --> 01:14:15,517
to make sure this is kept secret.
2139
01:14:15,517 --> 01:14:16,752
People I can't stop.
2140
01:14:16,752 --> 01:14:19,154
- Jeff, I really have to think about this.
2141
01:14:19,154 --> 01:14:21,023
Some of the things you've said are well taken.
2142
01:14:21,023 --> 01:14:22,658
(Crow and Mike laughing)
2143
01:14:22,658 --> 01:14:24,993
- All right, then you go on home, keep him there.
2144
01:14:24,993 --> 01:14:26,762
- [Mike] Nice boom mic.
2145
01:14:26,762 --> 01:14:27,996
- [Crow] I'll order you up
2146
01:14:27,996 --> 01:14:29,598
a gross of clones in the meantime.
2147
01:14:31,066 --> 01:14:32,267
- And, Rich.
2148
01:14:32,267 --> 01:14:33,101
- [Mike] Sorry I made you eat paste.
2149
01:14:33,101 --> 01:14:34,603
- Keep it capped.
2150
01:14:34,603 --> 01:14:37,372
Even I'm expendable if it means keeping Clonus alive.
2151
01:14:39,041 --> 01:14:40,309
- [Tom] So what happens if your clone
2152
01:14:40,309 --> 01:14:42,077
is a hard drinking, hard living clone?
2153
01:14:42,077 --> 01:14:45,080
- [Crow] Sorry, we need your liver to keep your clone alive.
2154
01:14:46,548 --> 01:14:48,050
Sail away!
2155
01:14:50,519 --> 01:14:52,020
- [Tom] I want my Teddy Grams.
2156
01:14:54,189 --> 01:14:55,591
- [Rich] Where is he?
2157
01:14:55,591 --> 01:14:57,492
- He's asleep and Jake went home.
2158
01:14:57,492 --> 01:14:58,327
- Ah.
2159
01:14:58,327 --> 01:14:59,261
- [Crow] Sure.
2160
01:14:59,261 --> 01:15:00,729
- What did Jeff have to say?
2161
01:15:00,729 --> 01:15:03,131
- [Mike] Well, "Biography" continues to do well.
2162
01:15:03,131 --> 01:15:05,701
- He said he'd look into it.
2163
01:15:05,701 --> 01:15:07,436
- He hadn't heard, huh?
2164
01:15:07,436 --> 01:15:09,304
(crying) - [Crow] I wet another bed.
2165
01:15:10,606 --> 01:15:13,208
- [Rick] Well, maybe we oughta call the papers.
2166
01:15:13,208 --> 01:15:16,144
- [Tom] Meatloaf sweats less than this guy.
2167
01:15:16,144 --> 01:15:17,513
- We have to help him get back.
2168
01:15:17,513 --> 01:15:18,814
He misses his girl.
2169
01:15:18,814 --> 01:15:20,015
He's just like us.
2170
01:15:20,015 --> 01:15:21,116
- [Mike] Oh, wait, that's not just like us.
2171
01:15:21,116 --> 01:15:22,117
- No he's not.
2172
01:15:22,117 --> 01:15:23,151
- [Mike] Wow.
2173
01:15:23,151 --> 01:15:24,620
- [Rich] He's a freak of nature.
2174
01:15:24,620 --> 01:15:25,654
- [Crow] Could you turn down the heat?
2175
01:15:25,654 --> 01:15:27,155
It's like 90 in here.
2176
01:15:27,155 --> 01:15:28,657
- [Rich] I'm just saying, whatever's going on
2177
01:15:28,657 --> 01:15:29,892
is out of our hands.
2178
01:15:29,892 --> 01:15:32,027
- [Tom] Can I watch "Lion King" again?
2179
01:15:32,027 --> 01:15:34,029
- No, Jeff thinks it's all a ruse.
2180
01:15:34,029 --> 01:15:36,064
Nothing to get seriously concerned about.
2181
01:15:36,064 --> 01:15:37,199
It's just something that's....
2182
01:15:37,199 --> 01:15:38,700
(Tom slurping)
2183
01:15:38,700 --> 01:15:40,035
- If you're not gonna call the papers,
2184
01:15:40,035 --> 01:15:41,236
then I'm gonna do it.
2185
01:15:41,236 --> 01:15:42,471
- [Mike] I'm calling Michael Flatley.
2186
01:15:43,939 --> 01:15:44,840
- Damn it!
2187
01:15:44,840 --> 01:15:46,008
What is going on?!
2188
01:15:46,008 --> 01:15:46,942
(Tom laughing)
2189
01:15:46,942 --> 01:15:48,210
- [Rich] I can't tell you.
2190
01:15:48,210 --> 01:15:51,480
Honestly, son, please, now I can't tell you.
2191
01:15:51,480 --> 01:15:53,048
- [Rick] You turned him in, didn't you?
2192
01:15:53,048 --> 01:15:54,449
- [Tom] You're getting divorced because of me!
2193
01:15:54,449 --> 01:15:55,751
- Richard in, didn't you?
2194
01:15:55,751 --> 01:15:57,152
- [Crow] Sure!
2195
01:15:57,152 --> 01:15:58,654
- No, I didn't.
2196
01:15:58,654 --> 01:16:01,557
I just talked to Jeff and he told me the whole story.
2197
01:16:01,557 --> 01:16:02,958
He said do nothing
2198
01:16:02,958 --> 01:16:04,493
and he'll take care of it.
2199
01:16:06,395 --> 01:16:09,031
- [Tom] So you're not taking me to the Harlem Globetrotters.
2200
01:16:09,031 --> 01:16:12,534
(Tom whimpering)
2201
01:16:12,534 --> 01:16:15,203
(Mike laughing)
2202
01:16:16,571 --> 01:16:17,940
- All I know is you're talking crazy.
2203
01:16:17,940 --> 01:16:19,741
- [Mike] And I'm the posture prince.
2204
01:16:19,741 --> 01:16:21,410
- No I'm not.
2205
01:16:21,410 --> 01:16:23,178
- [Crow] I can't smoke chocolate, I know that now.
2206
01:16:23,178 --> 01:16:25,013
- Maybe because you're young it sounds that way.
2207
01:16:25,013 --> 01:16:27,950
But when you grow older there's a definite scheme to things.
2208
01:16:27,950 --> 01:16:28,784
You're born,
2209
01:16:28,784 --> 01:16:31,219
you run through life,
2210
01:16:31,219 --> 01:16:32,387
you wear out,
2211
01:16:33,288 --> 01:16:34,523
you die.
2212
01:16:34,523 --> 01:16:35,457
- [Tom] You have one illegitimate son.
2213
01:16:35,457 --> 01:16:39,528
Oh, dang! - So?
2214
01:16:39,528 --> 01:16:40,662
- So,
2215
01:16:40,662 --> 01:16:41,830
Clonus.
2216
01:16:41,830 --> 01:16:43,532
- [Crow] Walks into a bar and he--
2217
01:16:43,532 --> 01:16:44,433
- I don't get it.
2218
01:16:44,433 --> 01:16:45,767
- [Tom] I'm not done.
2219
01:16:45,767 --> 01:16:50,272
- So Clonus replaces what's warn out.
2220
01:16:50,272 --> 01:16:53,342
- [Mike] Did I eat all the Kaboom or is there some left?
2221
01:16:53,342 --> 01:16:55,344
- [Rick] Have created this clone farm,
2222
01:16:55,344 --> 01:16:57,813
an organ bank, right?
2223
01:16:57,813 --> 01:16:58,747
- What's wrong?
2224
01:16:58,747 --> 01:17:00,082
- [Crow] With my line read.
2225
01:17:00,082 --> 01:17:01,650
- With wanting to live?
2226
01:17:01,650 --> 01:17:03,452
- [Tom] Nothing, unless it's you.
2227
01:17:03,452 --> 01:17:05,821
- You murder to do it.
2228
01:17:05,821 --> 01:17:07,889
- If they're not really human.
2229
01:17:07,889 --> 01:17:10,058
- [Crow] He needs to be damp mopped.
2230
01:17:10,058 --> 01:17:12,527
- [Rick] Dad, he's a human being.
2231
01:17:12,527 --> 01:17:13,495
- [Rich] No he's not.
2232
01:17:13,495 --> 01:17:15,197
- [Mike] He swallowed his lips!
2233
01:17:15,197 --> 01:17:16,031
- [Tom] Wow!
2234
01:17:17,199 --> 01:17:18,200
- No!
2235
01:17:18,200 --> 01:17:19,701
I'm just like you are!
2236
01:17:19,701 --> 01:17:21,336
- [Mike] Isn't that horrible?!
2237
01:17:23,438 --> 01:17:24,706
- [Crow] Duuuh.
2238
01:17:26,608 --> 01:17:28,710
- [Mike] Hey, a "Testosterossa."
2239
01:17:28,710 --> 01:17:30,212
- I wanna go back!
2240
01:17:30,212 --> 01:17:32,047
I have to go back.
2241
01:17:32,047 --> 01:17:33,715
- I wanna help you.
2242
01:17:33,715 --> 01:17:34,650
- No.
2243
01:17:34,650 --> 01:17:35,917
- [Tom] I just wet your car.
2244
01:17:35,917 --> 01:17:38,320
- Listen, I wanna help you get back.
2245
01:17:38,320 --> 01:17:40,389
- [Crow] I'll lend you my low-rise pants.
2246
01:17:42,457 --> 01:17:43,992
- Trust me.
2247
01:17:43,992 --> 01:17:45,761
- [Mike] Is this starting to feel funny to you too?
2248
01:17:47,129 --> 01:17:48,964
- [Tom] There's a stirring in my little clonus.
2249
01:17:50,332 --> 01:17:51,533
- [Crow] Oh, why don't you kiss him
2250
01:17:51,533 --> 01:17:53,135
instead of holding him to death?!
2251
01:17:56,071 --> 01:17:57,205
- [Mike] Now pull your top down
2252
01:17:57,205 --> 01:17:58,640
and pretend this never happened.
2253
01:17:58,640 --> 01:18:00,876
- [Tom] "Clonus: The Boys In the Band Horror."
2254
01:18:03,345 --> 01:18:04,579
- [Crow] It's official, Dad,
2255
01:18:04,579 --> 01:18:06,181
we don't know what you do for a living.
2256
01:18:06,181 --> 01:18:07,315
- You're gonna have to help us
2257
01:18:07,315 --> 01:18:08,817
or you're gonna have to kill me!
2258
01:18:08,817 --> 01:18:10,519
Because there's no way I'm gonna keep quiet about this.
2259
01:18:10,519 --> 01:18:13,355
- There's nothing I can do!
2260
01:18:13,355 --> 01:18:14,756
It's out of my hands.
2261
01:18:14,756 --> 01:18:16,491
- Didn't I hear you say just this morning
2262
01:18:16,491 --> 01:18:18,860
that we're all morally responsible for all of our acts?
2263
01:18:18,860 --> 01:18:20,796
- [Mike] Ah, you kids with your morals and your ethics
2264
01:18:20,796 --> 01:18:23,899
and your 8-track tapes, aaaah.
2265
01:18:23,899 --> 01:18:24,733
- All right.
2266
01:18:25,801 --> 01:18:26,968
All right, go.
2267
01:18:26,968 --> 01:18:28,537
- [Tom] And never darken my towels again.
2268
01:18:28,537 --> 01:18:29,738
- Quickly.
2269
01:18:29,738 --> 01:18:31,239
- [Mike] Thank you, Sir Dad.
2270
01:18:31,239 --> 01:18:33,675
- I'll take him back while you call the newspapers.
2271
01:18:33,675 --> 01:18:34,743
- I'll do it.
2272
01:18:34,743 --> 01:18:36,344
Son,
2273
01:18:36,344 --> 01:18:37,179
be careful.
2274
01:18:38,180 --> 01:18:39,448
Careful.
2275
01:18:39,448 --> 01:18:40,916
- [Tom] Okay, bye, me.
2276
01:18:40,916 --> 01:18:43,485
(Mike laughing)
2277
01:18:43,485 --> 01:18:44,953
- [Mike] "Starsky and Clone."
2278
01:18:46,354 --> 01:18:48,757
- [Tom] I wanna know if they're gonna listen to BTO.
2279
01:18:48,757 --> 01:18:51,026
(engine rumbling)
2280
01:18:51,026 --> 01:18:54,029
- [Crow] And Abraham drove Issac to the top of the mountain.
2281
01:18:56,164 --> 01:18:59,501
♪ One more clone up in the canyon ♪
2282
01:18:59,501 --> 01:19:00,435
- Damn you! - Sorry.
2283
01:19:00,435 --> 01:19:01,636
- [Tom] As long as they're here,
2284
01:19:01,636 --> 01:19:02,904
they should've filmed in a cloud.
2285
01:19:02,904 --> 01:19:04,906
- I don't care about anything right now.
2286
01:19:04,906 --> 01:19:05,740
Just Lena.
2287
01:19:06,908 --> 01:19:08,276
(faint speaking)
2288
01:19:08,276 --> 01:19:09,578
- [Crow] I can't hear what they're saying
2289
01:19:09,578 --> 01:19:11,146
and, frankly, I don't care.
2290
01:19:12,981 --> 01:19:15,350
- [Mike] Sorry about our pants toughing earlier.
2291
01:19:15,350 --> 01:19:16,718
- [Tom] The clone is tagged
2292
01:19:16,718 --> 01:19:18,920
and set free in its natural environment.
2293
01:19:18,920 --> 01:19:20,822
(dramatic choir music)
2294
01:19:20,822 --> 01:19:24,159
- [Crow] If you have to take a pee, I'll just turn around!
2295
01:19:24,159 --> 01:19:26,561
- [Mike] Where am I going again?
2296
01:19:26,561 --> 01:19:28,096
- [Tom] The Bulgarian folk choir.
2297
01:19:28,096 --> 01:19:29,397
They arrived in limousine.
2298
01:19:34,069 --> 01:19:35,203
- [Crow] Well, thanks for that liver, guys,
2299
01:19:35,203 --> 01:19:36,905
that was really nice of you.
2300
01:19:38,140 --> 01:19:41,143
(crickets chirping)
2301
01:19:43,011 --> 01:19:45,480
- [Mike] Hey, my clone's doing all right for himself.
2302
01:19:45,480 --> 01:19:46,948
- [Tom] Door-to-door "Biography."
2303
01:19:46,948 --> 01:19:48,683
I'd like to tell you about the fascinating life
2304
01:19:48,683 --> 01:19:49,518
of Charles Grodin.
2305
01:19:49,518 --> 01:19:51,553
- Rich, we have to talk.
2306
01:19:52,821 --> 01:19:55,056
- [Crow] Some coffee for your thugs?
2307
01:19:58,727 --> 01:20:01,463
- You might as well tell us now, there is no backing out.
2308
01:20:01,463 --> 01:20:03,365
- I've already told you, I don't know where he is
2309
01:20:03,365 --> 01:20:04,966
and I don't know where the tape is.
2310
01:20:04,966 --> 01:20:06,168
- [Jeff] No, you're lying to me.
2311
01:20:06,168 --> 01:20:07,769
- [Mike] I'm gonna have Barney rough you up.
2312
01:20:07,769 --> 01:20:09,137
- You're not sure, are you?
2313
01:20:10,572 --> 01:20:12,407
So you might as well tell these gentleman to kill me.
2314
01:20:12,407 --> 01:20:13,942
That's what they're here for, isn't it?
2315
01:20:13,942 --> 01:20:17,445
- Rich, I told you there were people I can't stop.
2316
01:20:17,445 --> 01:20:18,647
- Besides, if you kill me,
2317
01:20:18,647 --> 01:20:20,582
you only have a couple new parts, right?
2318
01:20:20,582 --> 01:20:21,883
- [Tom] The Sansabelt Murders.
2319
01:20:21,883 --> 01:20:22,717
- How does that work?
2320
01:20:22,717 --> 01:20:23,652
Can you do that?
2321
01:20:23,652 --> 01:20:25,020
Reprogram my mind so I that
2322
01:20:25,020 --> 01:20:26,888
I won't cause you so much trouble.
2323
01:20:26,888 --> 01:20:28,824
Maybe even dance at your inauguration.
2324
01:20:28,824 --> 01:20:30,325
- [Mike] Huge lamps of the '70's,
2325
01:20:30,325 --> 01:20:31,259
tonight on "Biography."
2326
01:20:31,259 --> 01:20:33,195
- Is it really worth it, Jeff?
2327
01:20:33,195 --> 01:20:34,462
When did you change?
2328
01:20:34,462 --> 01:20:35,964
- [Crow] Dressed like a liquor distributor.
2329
01:20:35,964 --> 01:20:37,532
- It is worth it
2330
01:20:37,532 --> 01:20:39,668
because I'm going to be president.
2331
01:20:39,668 --> 01:20:40,936
- Oh.
2332
01:20:40,936 --> 01:20:43,138
- [Mike] Oh, you'll be president, my butt.
2333
01:20:43,138 --> 01:20:46,441
- Jeff Knight, the people's choice.
2334
01:20:46,441 --> 01:20:48,109
- [Jeff] Damn it, where is the tape?
2335
01:20:48,109 --> 01:20:49,377
- I don't know, truly, I don't know.
2336
01:20:49,377 --> 01:20:51,446
Maybe it's on the way back to your clone farm.
2337
01:20:51,446 --> 01:20:54,583
Maybe it's on the way to the newspapers, who knows?
2338
01:20:54,583 --> 01:20:55,550
- [Tom] Smack on him!
2339
01:20:55,550 --> 01:20:56,651
- [Crow] Sit on his head!
2340
01:20:56,651 --> 01:20:59,821
(Rich groaning)
2341
01:20:59,821 --> 01:21:02,657
- [Mike] Oh, you're gonna write "dork' on his forehead.
2342
01:21:03,558 --> 01:21:07,028
- Cain raised up and slew Abel.
2343
01:21:07,028 --> 01:21:08,864
- [Tom] It was kinda like this because you're my brother,
2344
01:21:08,864 --> 01:21:10,131
get it?
2345
01:21:10,131 --> 01:21:11,600
- It's Pentothal, I want the truth.
2346
01:21:11,600 --> 01:21:13,702
- [Crow] I prefer Jack Perkins, there, I said it!
2347
01:21:15,170 --> 01:21:18,707
- That's a little too sophisticated for you, isn't it?
2348
01:21:19,608 --> 01:21:21,309
Who gives you your orders?
2349
01:21:21,309 --> 01:21:22,143
- Shut up!
2350
01:21:22,143 --> 01:21:23,345
- Certainly,
2351
01:21:23,345 --> 01:21:25,080
after all, you're only doing your duty.
2352
01:21:25,080 --> 01:21:27,082
Someone threatens your spare parts bank,
2353
01:21:27,082 --> 01:21:29,117
destroy him, it's clean,
2354
01:21:29,117 --> 01:21:30,385
simple, neat!
2355
01:21:30,385 --> 01:21:32,721
- [Mike] Close to all the shopping.
2356
01:21:32,721 --> 01:21:34,356
- Shut up!
2357
01:21:34,356 --> 01:21:35,790
- [Tom] He's going to be a bigger problem then Billy Carter.
2358
01:21:35,790 --> 01:21:38,593
- [Crow] Mistakes were made, brothers were killed.
2359
01:21:38,593 --> 01:21:40,729
- [Mike] Shoot, Mom's home!
2360
01:21:40,729 --> 01:21:43,298
(upbeat music)
2361
01:21:47,502 --> 01:21:48,403
- [Tom] Sure!
2362
01:21:48,403 --> 01:21:50,305
- Ricky, get out!
2363
01:21:50,305 --> 01:21:51,206
- Dad!
2364
01:21:51,206 --> 01:21:52,073
- [Crow] I'm home.
2365
01:21:53,708 --> 01:21:54,943
- [Tom] Give me your posture medal!
2366
01:21:54,943 --> 01:21:56,011
(groaning)
2367
01:21:56,011 --> 01:21:57,412
- What're you doing?
2368
01:21:57,412 --> 01:21:58,246
Ridged!
2369
01:21:58,246 --> 01:21:59,080
- [Crow] "Ridged?"
2370
01:21:59,080 --> 01:22:00,348
- Leave him alone!
2371
01:22:00,348 --> 01:22:01,116
Ridged!
2372
01:22:01,116 --> 01:22:01,950
- [Crow] Ribbit?
2373
01:22:01,950 --> 01:22:02,784
Frigid?
2374
01:22:04,085 --> 01:22:05,520
(bubbling)
2375
01:22:05,520 --> 01:22:06,321
- [Tom] You dead yet?
2376
01:22:06,321 --> 01:22:07,222
- I don't know!
2377
01:22:09,658 --> 01:22:11,259
- [Mike] Cut it out, you booger!
2378
01:22:12,427 --> 01:22:14,529
- [Tom] I think they found the outrage.
2379
01:22:14,529 --> 01:22:15,463
- [Crow] This is our pool!
2380
01:22:15,463 --> 01:22:17,599
Notice there's no pee in it!
2381
01:22:17,599 --> 01:22:20,435
(electric guitar music)
2382
01:22:20,435 --> 01:22:23,171
- [Tom] Soundtrack by Yngwie Malmsteen.
2383
01:22:23,171 --> 01:22:25,540
- [Mike] For God, Country and the Queen!
2384
01:22:27,042 --> 01:22:28,843
- [Tom As Old Woman] Boys, not in the house!
2385
01:22:28,843 --> 01:22:30,245
- [Crow] This is about a lot more
2386
01:22:30,245 --> 01:22:32,247
than super secret government clone projects.
2387
01:22:33,982 --> 01:22:35,483
- [Mike] Ah, kill and release.
2388
01:22:36,918 --> 01:22:39,654
- [Tom] Secret service is out from having a smoke.
2389
01:22:40,822 --> 01:22:43,558
- [Crow] Tonight on "Biography."
2390
01:22:43,558 --> 01:22:46,728
(Crow groaning)
2391
01:22:46,728 --> 01:22:47,662
- [Mike] He's not done.
2392
01:22:47,662 --> 01:22:49,497
The poker didn't come out clean.
2393
01:22:49,497 --> 01:22:52,267
- [Tom] Quick, rig the shag carpeting!
2394
01:22:52,267 --> 01:22:53,935
(foreboding music)
2395
01:22:53,935 --> 01:22:56,071
- [Crow] Can I have a wet nap?
2396
01:22:56,071 --> 01:22:58,239
- [Mike] Dale Evans wants her shirt back.
2397
01:22:58,239 --> 01:22:59,040
- Well,
2398
01:23:00,442 --> 01:23:01,476
that's that.
2399
01:23:01,476 --> 01:23:02,844
- [Mike] Turned on the gas.
2400
01:23:02,844 --> 01:23:05,280
- Whatever the hell they're called.
2401
01:23:05,280 --> 01:23:06,715
- [Crow] Mimi-skirted Grandma.
2402
01:23:06,715 --> 01:23:09,217
- It'll soon be over, I made sure of that.
2403
01:23:09,217 --> 01:23:11,119
- [Tom] Oh, and happy 50th anniversary.
2404
01:23:11,119 --> 01:23:12,087
- You know, I've been sitting here thinking
2405
01:23:12,087 --> 01:23:13,555
about that young man.
2406
01:23:13,555 --> 01:23:15,457
- [Crow] If I was 80 years younger, I would just.
2407
01:23:15,457 --> 01:23:19,060
- If everything they say about how he was born was true,
2408
01:23:20,895 --> 01:23:23,131
sure takes the fun out of it.
2409
01:23:23,131 --> 01:23:25,266
- Why, Anna, you salty old lady.
2410
01:23:25,266 --> 01:23:27,168
- [Mike] And I mean dehydrated.
2411
01:23:27,168 --> 01:23:29,471
- No, but I'm not dead yet.
2412
01:23:29,471 --> 01:23:30,739
- [Tom] Soon though, right?
2413
01:23:30,739 --> 01:23:32,374
- He will be all right, won't he?
2414
01:23:33,475 --> 01:23:35,810
He has his whole life in front of him.
2415
01:23:35,810 --> 01:23:37,912
- Anna, he will be fine.
2416
01:23:37,912 --> 01:23:38,747
- [Tom] Oh boy.
2417
01:23:38,747 --> 01:23:40,248
- [Crow] Here we go.
2418
01:23:40,248 --> 01:23:42,350
- That nice boy is taking him back to his girlfriend,
2419
01:23:42,350 --> 01:23:43,318
everything's gonna be fine.
2420
01:23:43,318 --> 01:23:44,519
Don't worry about it.
2421
01:23:44,519 --> 01:23:46,388
You mind if I just read the sports page?
2422
01:23:46,388 --> 01:23:47,222
- [Tom] Hunker down.
2423
01:23:47,222 --> 01:23:48,757
- [Crow] Just generic...
2424
01:23:48,757 --> 01:23:50,158
(explosion booming) (screaming)
2425
01:23:50,158 --> 01:23:52,093
Forgot about those cookies, sorry!
2426
01:23:52,093 --> 01:23:53,161
(Tom laughing)
2427
01:23:53,161 --> 01:23:54,396
- [Mike] Yeah,
2428
01:23:54,396 --> 01:23:56,865
Grandma and Grandpa will be fine on their own.
2429
01:23:56,865 --> 01:24:00,101
- [Tom] Brought to you by the Greater Nursing Home Council.
2430
01:24:00,101 --> 01:24:02,437
- [Crow] Never store your combustibles with your old people.
2431
01:24:02,437 --> 01:24:05,039
(somber music)
2432
01:24:07,175 --> 01:24:09,310
- [Mike] Later, a guy is somewhere in the dark
2433
01:24:09,310 --> 01:24:11,045
doing something.
2434
01:24:11,045 --> 01:24:13,515
- [Tom] This passes for a car chase in this movie.
2435
01:24:14,949 --> 01:24:18,920
- [Crow] And step and dance and kickball change, and yes.
2436
01:24:18,920 --> 01:24:21,790
♪ Maria
2437
01:24:21,790 --> 01:24:24,526
(pleasant music)
2438
01:24:24,526 --> 01:24:25,727
- Lena?
2439
01:24:25,727 --> 01:24:26,961
- [Tom] Or extra Lena?
2440
01:24:28,696 --> 01:24:30,031
- [Mike] I'm not sure about this.
2441
01:24:30,031 --> 01:24:31,299
- [Crow] You know, this doesn't look like
2442
01:24:31,299 --> 01:24:32,934
it's headed towards a happy ending.
2443
01:24:32,934 --> 01:24:34,302
- [Mike] You know, any ending would make me
2444
01:24:34,302 --> 01:24:35,670
happier than I've ever been.
2445
01:24:35,670 --> 01:24:36,704
- [Crow] That's true.
2446
01:24:38,373 --> 01:24:40,708
- [Tom] She sees a squirrel and wants to go out.
2447
01:24:40,708 --> 01:24:41,910
(ominous music)
2448
01:24:41,910 --> 01:24:43,578
- [Mike] When track coaches go bad.
2449
01:24:43,578 --> 01:24:44,879
- [Crow] And they expect the audience
2450
01:24:44,879 --> 01:24:47,148
to feel bad about this, I guess.
2451
01:24:49,150 --> 01:24:49,984
- Lena!
2452
01:24:51,719 --> 01:24:53,254
- [Tom] Hi!
2453
01:24:53,254 --> 01:24:55,657
- [Mike] Oh, remember to duck when you go under helicopters.
2454
01:24:57,058 --> 01:24:58,126
- [Crow] Let me guess, he's gonna turn out his mouth
2455
01:24:58,126 --> 01:24:59,828
and look depressed for a change.
2456
01:24:59,828 --> 01:25:02,430
(ominous music)
2457
01:25:03,498 --> 01:25:04,432
- Welcome home, Richard.
2458
01:25:04,432 --> 01:25:05,600
- [Tom] I'm sorry, Ollie.
2459
01:25:06,835 --> 01:25:08,303
- Did you like America?
2460
01:25:08,303 --> 01:25:09,737
- [Mike] I liked "A Horse With No Name,"
2461
01:25:09,737 --> 01:25:11,039
but after that...
2462
01:25:11,039 --> 01:25:13,274
(dramatic music)
2463
01:25:13,274 --> 01:25:14,509
- [Crow] She's gonna make a perfect
2464
01:25:14,509 --> 01:25:16,444
mid-afternoon talk show host, at least.
2465
01:25:16,444 --> 01:25:17,779
(Mike and Tom chuckling)
2466
01:25:17,779 --> 01:25:19,380
- [Tom In Creepy Voice] Hi.
2467
01:25:19,380 --> 01:25:20,615
- [Announcer] Fellow delegates,
2468
01:25:20,615 --> 01:25:23,218
our candidate is in the press room
2469
01:25:23,218 --> 01:25:24,752
and will be joining us shortly.
2470
01:25:24,752 --> 01:25:25,687
- [Mike] Wait, he's been killed.
2471
01:25:25,687 --> 01:25:26,955
- [Announcer] Your nominee,
2472
01:25:26,955 --> 01:25:29,858
the next president of the United States.
2473
01:25:29,858 --> 01:25:30,992
- [All] Biography!
2474
01:25:30,992 --> 01:25:32,327
Biography!
2475
01:25:32,327 --> 01:25:33,361
- [Crow] Yay!
2476
01:25:33,361 --> 01:25:34,295
- [Tom] Hey, it's...
2477
01:25:34,295 --> 01:25:35,363
Oh, I thought it was Dale.
2478
01:25:36,831 --> 01:25:37,665
Product placement.
2479
01:25:37,665 --> 01:25:38,800
Now I'm gonna buy NBC.
2480
01:25:40,034 --> 01:25:41,236
- [Walker] Ladies and gentlemen.
2481
01:25:41,236 --> 01:25:43,371
- [Mike] Does anyone have a kidney to spare?
2482
01:25:43,371 --> 01:25:45,173
- It is my pleasure this afternoon...
2483
01:25:45,173 --> 01:25:46,741
- [Crow] Ted Turner.
2484
01:25:46,741 --> 01:25:48,610
- To introduce to you
2485
01:25:48,610 --> 01:25:50,745
the next president of the United States.
2486
01:25:50,745 --> 01:25:51,913
- [Mike] Arrr, me buck-os.
2487
01:25:51,913 --> 01:25:53,448
- A man we all know and love.
2488
01:25:53,448 --> 01:25:54,749
- [Crow] Senator Gravy Skin.
2489
01:25:54,749 --> 01:25:56,284
- The true people's choice.
2490
01:25:56,284 --> 01:25:57,552
- [Tom] Gus Hall.
2491
01:25:57,552 --> 01:25:59,053
- Presidential nominee,
2492
01:25:59,988 --> 01:26:02,123
Senator Jeffery Knight.
2493
01:26:02,123 --> 01:26:03,725
- [Mike] Arrrrr.
2494
01:26:03,725 --> 01:26:05,293
- [Crow] And his lovely family.
2495
01:26:06,427 --> 01:26:07,695
- [Tom] Thank you, thank you.
2496
01:26:07,695 --> 01:26:10,698
I was killing my brother earlier today and, d'oh!
2497
01:26:10,698 --> 01:26:12,700
- Thank you, thank you, George Walker.
2498
01:26:12,700 --> 01:26:13,835
- [Mike] Arrrr.
2499
01:26:13,835 --> 01:26:15,069
- Ladies and gentlemen of the press,
2500
01:26:15,069 --> 01:26:16,571
let's get right to the questions.
2501
01:26:16,571 --> 01:26:18,373
- [Tom] Who's coming up this week on "Biography?"
2502
01:26:18,373 --> 01:26:19,240
- Miss Grady.
2503
01:26:19,240 --> 01:26:20,174
- [Crow] Grady!
2504
01:26:20,174 --> 01:26:21,676
- [Grady] Senator Knight,
2505
01:26:21,676 --> 01:26:24,178
what will your position be on the subject of human rights?
2506
01:26:24,178 --> 01:26:26,214
- [Jeff] Well, you know, I talked a great deal about that
2507
01:26:26,214 --> 01:26:28,082
during the campaign but I think it's important
2508
01:26:28,082 --> 01:26:29,183
to repeat it now.
2509
01:26:29,183 --> 01:26:31,119
As president, my position will be
2510
01:26:31,119 --> 01:26:33,688
that any suppression of rights or infringement--
2511
01:26:33,688 --> 01:26:34,789
- [Mike] Wow.
2512
01:26:34,789 --> 01:26:35,857
- [Crow] Mm-hmm.
2513
01:26:35,857 --> 01:26:37,225
- [Mike] Get it?!
2514
01:26:37,225 --> 01:26:38,459
(Tom giggling)
2515
01:26:38,459 --> 01:26:40,428
- As such cannot and will not be tolerated.
2516
01:26:40,428 --> 01:26:41,996
- [Crow] Senator, I'm Brown from the Sun.
2517
01:26:41,996 --> 01:26:43,131
- Senator!
2518
01:26:43,131 --> 01:26:44,499
- [Jeff] Yes, gentleman in the back.
2519
01:26:44,499 --> 01:26:45,600
- Bernie, Daily Sun.
2520
01:26:45,600 --> 01:26:47,068
- [Tom] I love Bridget.
2521
01:26:47,068 --> 01:26:48,836
- Senator could you please tell us about Clonus.
2522
01:26:50,738 --> 01:26:52,373
- [Mike] Arrrr?
2523
01:26:52,373 --> 01:26:53,374
- [Crow] Yes, definitely.
2524
01:26:53,374 --> 01:26:54,609
Um, Brit Hume, front row.
2525
01:26:56,911 --> 01:26:59,080
- [Tom] I can barely hear my heart beating.
2526
01:27:00,648 --> 01:27:02,717
- [Mike] I'm a sad clown.
2527
01:27:02,717 --> 01:27:05,253
- [Crow] Boy, that clock never moves, does it?
2528
01:27:05,253 --> 01:27:06,821
(ominous music)
2529
01:27:06,821 --> 01:27:07,755
- [Tom] Was that a bad movie
2530
01:27:07,755 --> 01:27:09,190
or was I just in the wrong mood?
2531
01:27:09,190 --> 01:27:10,892
- [Crow] Oh, we can leave, all right!
2532
01:27:10,892 --> 01:27:11,726
- [Mike] Wait...
2533
01:27:11,726 --> 01:27:13,194
Oh.
2534
01:27:13,194 --> 01:27:14,395
Oh boy.
2535
01:27:14,395 --> 01:27:15,997
Executive producer, Walter Fiveson,
2536
01:27:15,997 --> 01:27:18,633
was a good friend of Supervising Executive Producer
2537
01:27:18,633 --> 01:27:19,767
Ray Dryden.
2538
01:27:19,767 --> 01:27:21,035
They grew up together in a log cabin
2539
01:27:21,035 --> 01:27:24,572
with a woman involved in casting, Susan Arnold.
2540
01:27:24,572 --> 01:27:27,208
- [Tom] But all was not as it seemed.
2541
01:27:27,208 --> 01:27:29,410
- [Crow] The arrival of Associate Producer
2542
01:27:29,410 --> 01:27:32,847
Peter R.J. Deyell, proved both groundbreaking
2543
01:27:32,847 --> 01:27:36,150
and heart wrenching for the young Liverpoolians.
2544
01:27:36,150 --> 01:27:38,553
- [Mike] And then Co-Producer Michael Lee
2545
01:27:38,553 --> 01:27:41,456
and Carolyn Haber and Michael Lee and Paul Berkowitz
2546
01:27:41,456 --> 01:27:43,491
and Joe Gianonne and Robert Cummings
2547
01:27:43,491 --> 01:27:45,960
and Michael Lacoe and some other guys
2548
01:27:45,960 --> 01:27:47,028
and Harley Pence.
2549
01:27:47,028 --> 01:27:48,262
- [Tom] I'll take it, Mike.
2550
01:27:48,262 --> 01:27:50,398
The oddly named, Timaree McCormick,
2551
01:27:50,398 --> 01:27:52,066
young and brilliant production assistant,
2552
01:27:52,066 --> 01:27:55,103
developed an unhealthy fixation of Joe Blasco,
2553
01:27:55,103 --> 01:27:57,305
founder of the Joe Blasco Makeup School.
2554
01:27:57,305 --> 01:27:58,840
- [Crow] I'll take it.
2555
01:27:58,840 --> 01:28:01,476
Dwight LaVers, a name known to millions, yet a dark mystery,
2556
01:28:01,476 --> 01:28:04,112
to even his closest friends.
2557
01:28:04,112 --> 01:28:05,880
- [Mike] Tomorrow, the fascinating world
2558
01:28:05,880 --> 01:28:09,050
of M.A "Ma" Schreibman who conquered his blindness
2559
01:28:09,050 --> 01:28:11,686
to become one of the most sought after visual consultants
2560
01:28:11,686 --> 01:28:13,121
in the business.
2561
01:28:13,121 --> 01:28:14,922
- [Tom] The thin stylings of Brogan DePard...
2562
01:28:14,922 --> 01:28:16,391
Brogan...
2563
01:28:16,391 --> 01:28:18,626
Paul Sharp and Ted Keep, two crisply-named young men,
2564
01:28:18,626 --> 01:28:20,128
tonight on "Biography."
2565
01:28:21,262 --> 01:28:23,831
- [Crow] Freeze Frame, the J. Geils Band.
2566
01:28:23,831 --> 01:28:26,267
Synonyms in the hearts of Americans everywhere.
2567
01:28:26,267 --> 01:28:28,503
(Mike laughing)
2568
01:28:28,503 --> 01:28:29,704
- [Mike] Ah!
2569
01:28:29,704 --> 01:28:31,906
Peter Graves, the underrated, underpaid
2570
01:28:31,906 --> 01:28:33,908
and incredibly handsome host of "Biography,"
2571
01:28:33,908 --> 01:28:35,510
tonight on "Biography."
2572
01:28:35,510 --> 01:28:37,211
- [Crow] Tonight on "Biography,"
2573
01:28:37,211 --> 01:28:39,981
Paulette Breen who turned down perfectly innocent
2574
01:28:39,981 --> 01:28:41,983
sexually advances from Peter Graves
2575
01:28:41,983 --> 01:28:43,651
on the set of the movie "Clonus,"
2576
01:28:43,651 --> 01:28:45,820
who will never work in this town again.
2577
01:28:45,820 --> 01:28:47,989
- [Tom] James Mantell, in a striking coincidence,
2578
01:28:47,989 --> 01:28:50,391
shared a first name with the hulking, expressionless
2579
01:28:50,391 --> 01:28:52,593
pseudo cowboy, James Arness.
2580
01:28:52,593 --> 01:28:54,095
James Arness,
2581
01:28:54,095 --> 01:28:57,065
as a young boy, James Arness nurtured a howling bitterness
2582
01:28:57,065 --> 01:28:59,500
in the face of the awesomely superior talent
2583
01:28:59,500 --> 01:29:01,402
of his brother, Peter Graves.
2584
01:29:01,402 --> 01:29:03,404
Peter Graves' life and career were marked
2585
01:29:03,404 --> 01:29:06,174
by a generosity of spirit and loving attitude
2586
01:29:06,174 --> 01:29:08,443
towards his fell man, which were altogether missing
2587
01:29:08,443 --> 01:29:11,179
in the pitted soul if James Arness.
2588
01:29:11,179 --> 01:29:14,115
Often, James Arness' mother would remark to friends
2589
01:29:14,115 --> 01:29:17,719
that she loved her son, Peter Graves, so very, very much,
2590
01:29:17,719 --> 01:29:20,154
while she hates James Arness and cursed the day
2591
01:29:20,154 --> 01:29:22,657
her womb had been blighted with such a creature.
2592
01:29:22,657 --> 01:29:25,059
James Arness, ugly and stupid.
2593
01:29:25,059 --> 01:29:26,694
Tonight on "Biography."
2594
01:29:27,995 --> 01:29:29,230
- [Crow] Okay.
2595
01:29:29,230 --> 01:29:30,398
- [Mike] That's as good as it gets.
2596
01:29:30,398 --> 01:29:32,300
So, Peter Graves? - Biography.
2597
01:29:32,300 --> 01:29:33,634
- [Mike] Biography.
2598
01:29:33,634 --> 01:29:35,036
- Agua!
2599
01:29:35,036 --> 01:29:36,838
(rumbling)
2600
01:29:36,838 --> 01:29:38,706
(thudding)
2601
01:29:38,706 --> 01:29:40,842
(beeping)
2602
01:29:40,842 --> 01:29:42,643
(mechanical buzzing)
2603
01:29:42,643 --> 01:29:44,712
(chains rattling)
2604
01:29:44,712 --> 01:29:47,448
(buzzing)
2605
01:29:47,448 --> 01:29:49,884
(clearing throat)
2606
01:29:49,884 --> 01:29:52,653
So, what do you think of my new nose job?
2607
01:29:52,653 --> 01:29:54,722
- It's downright Bruce Jennerian.
2608
01:29:54,722 --> 01:29:57,225
- Yes, well I went a little deeper than I might have
2609
01:29:57,225 --> 01:30:00,428
because I feel I can always add more later if I wanted.
2610
01:30:01,262 --> 01:30:03,064
- Mike, Bobo's calling.
2611
01:30:03,064 --> 01:30:05,366
- What're you looking at?
2612
01:30:05,366 --> 01:30:07,902
- Please, Mike, keep it quiet.
2613
01:30:07,902 --> 01:30:10,171
Evil orphan space children were very fussy
2614
01:30:10,171 --> 01:30:11,439
getting down tonight.
2615
01:30:11,439 --> 01:30:14,175
I think they're off their routine.
2616
01:30:14,175 --> 01:30:16,778
- Aw, well I've got just the thing.
2617
01:30:16,778 --> 01:30:18,045
I wrote a little night music
2618
01:30:18,045 --> 01:30:20,148
inspired by a poem I've always loved.
2619
01:30:20,148 --> 01:30:24,418
The words are, "Sleep, oh fair one, sleep.
2620
01:30:24,418 --> 01:30:26,287
"The night is low and drowsy,
2621
01:30:26,287 --> 01:30:29,090
"your dreams are fair and deep.
2622
01:30:29,090 --> 01:30:33,127
"On feeble tender wings rest all Earthly things.
2623
01:30:33,127 --> 01:30:35,229
"Sleep, oh gentle lamb,
2624
01:30:35,229 --> 01:30:38,299
"till morning mother sun does bring."
2625
01:30:38,299 --> 01:30:39,967
- That's beautiful.
2626
01:30:39,967 --> 01:30:40,768
- Okay, Mike.
2627
01:30:43,104 --> 01:30:47,008
(exciting marching band music)
2628
01:30:48,776 --> 01:30:50,611
(crying)
2629
01:30:50,611 --> 01:30:52,413
- You are so dead, Nelson!
2630
01:30:52,413 --> 01:30:55,316
It is a John Agar film festival for you!
2631
01:30:56,317 --> 01:30:57,819
(thudding) (groaning)
2632
01:30:57,819 --> 01:30:59,787
(crying)
2633
01:30:59,787 --> 01:31:02,256
(somber music)
2634
01:32:00,648 --> 01:32:01,482
- Sure.
184866
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