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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WOODY
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HARRELSON!
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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>>> THANK YOU.
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THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH.
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HELLO, YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.
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AND YOU UGLY PEOPLE TOO.
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NO.
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I JEST.
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THIS COUNTRY SEEMS SO DIVIDED,
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BEAUTIFUL, UGLY, BLACK, WHITE,
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BLUE, RED, I LOVE EVERYBODY.
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MAYBE BECAUSE I'M A RED NECK
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HIPPY.
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YOU KNOW, THE RED IN ME THINKS
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YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO OWN
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GUNS.
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THE BLUE IN ME THINKS, SQUIRT
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GUNS.
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SO I'M RED AND BLUE, WHICH MAKES
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PURPLE.
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I'M PURPLE.
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SO THIS IS MY FIFTH TIME DOING
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SNL.
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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WELL, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT
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MEANS.
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NO JACKET.
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OKAY.
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THE LAST TIME I DID SNL WAS
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AROUND THANKSGIVING 2019, THREE
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YEARS AGO.
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AND YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT
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HAPPENED AFTER THE SHOW.
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THE NEXT DAY -- IT WAS A SUNDAY,
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AS IT ALWAYS IS THE DAY AFTER I
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DO "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
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IT'S LIKE A PATTERN I NOTICED.
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ANYWAY, I WENT WALKING IN THE
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GREATEST PART OF THIS CITY,
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CENTRAL PARK, LEANED AGAINST A
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TREE, AND STARTED TO READ THE
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CRAZIEST SCRIPT.
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OKAY.
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FULL DISCLOSURE, I SMOKED A
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JOINT FIRST.
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THE REASON I LIKE HERB MORE THAN
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ALCOHOL IS BECAUSE IT MAKES ME
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FEEL GOOD, NO HANGOVER, AND I
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NEVER WAKE UP COVERED IN BLOOD.
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BUT REGARDLESS, I HAVE DECIDED
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TO QUIT SMOKING POT ALTOGETHER,
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AND I'M STICKING WITH IT --
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UNTIL AFTER THE SHOW.
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YEAH.
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LAST WEEK IN AUSTIN, I WAS
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TALKING WITH MY FRIEND NICK.
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WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
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HE WROTE "TRUE DETECTIVE" AND I
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WAS IN "TRUE DETECTIVE."
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I'M VEGAN, AND ALL THE ANIMALS
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HE EATS ARE VEGAN.
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ANYWAY, I WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT
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HOW I START SMOKING AROUND NOON
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AND GET PROGRESSIVELY DUMBER AS
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THE DAY UNFOLDS.
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FORGET BASIC WORDS, SIMPLE
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OBJECTS E-T-CETERA.
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I WAS HOPING THE WIFE MIGHT SAY,
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OH, NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
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INSTEAD SHE SAYS, AT LEAST
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YOU'RE AWARE OF IT.
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AND I SAY, WELL THAT DOESN'T
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FEEL LIKE MUCH CONSOLATION.
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AND SHE SAYS, THINK OF ALL THE
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DUMB PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW
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THEY'RE DUMB.
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YOU'RE AHEAD OF THEM.
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THANKS, HON.
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BUT ON TOP OF THE HERB, I'M A
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WEE BIT OF A DRINKER.
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I DON'T KNOW WHY I WENT IRISH
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THERE.
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ALL RIGHT.
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ANYWAY, BUT IN A PERSONAL
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TRIUMPH, LAST YEAR, I HAD SEVEN
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MONTHS WITH NO ALCOHOL, AND FIVE
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GLORIOUS MONTHS.
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ANYWAY, WHAT WERE WE TALKING
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ABOUT?
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OH, YEAH.
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I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT THAT
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SCRIPT.
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SO I BLAZE A FATTY, WHICH, YOU
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KNOW, I GOT IN LA AT MY
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DISPENSARY, THE WOODS.
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I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, I DIDN'T
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TRANSPORT THE HERB FROM
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CALIFORNIA TO NEW YORK BECAUSE
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THAT'S HIGHLY ILLEGAL.
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MY MANAGER, JEREMY, DID.
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YEAH.
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HE MULED IT FROM LA.
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YEAH.
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SPEAKING OF JEREMY, HE'S HERE
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TONIGHT.
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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YEAH.
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NEWLY SINGLE, LADIES.
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VERY HANDSOME.
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I KNOW HE WOULD PREFER I TALK
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ABOUT OUR MOVIE "CHAMPIONS"
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THAT'S COMING OUT IN TWO WEEKS.
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COMEDIC MASTERPIECE, BUT I'M NOT
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HERE TO SELL "CHAMPIONS."
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IT SELLS ITSELF.
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PROJECTIONS HAVE IT MAKING MORE
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THAN "AVATAR", BUT WHATEVER, I'M
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NO SALESMAN.
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WHERE WAS I?
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OKAY.
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SO THREE YEARS AGO, CENTRAL
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PARK, SUNDAY MORNING, THE LORD'S
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DAY, TRYING TO RESIST THE
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TEMPTATION TO PUFF TOO EARLY IN
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THE DAY.
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OF COURSE, I SUCCUMB.
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LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE, I HAVE A
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DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER, AND ON
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THE OTHER SHOULDER, I HAVE A
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LARGER, MORE FRIGHTENING DEVIL.
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AND THERE'S A BATTLE GOING ON IN
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HERE.
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I'M JUST SAYING I AM MANY
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DIFFERENT THINGS, ANARCHIST,
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MARKIST, NONDISCRIMINATORY
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IMPATH, A DECONSTRUCTIONIST, A
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TEXAN.
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BUT BACK TO THE TREE IN CENTRAL
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PARK AND THAT SCRIPT.
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PUT YOURSELF IN MY PLACE, LAY
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THE CURVE OF YOUR NECK AGAINST
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THE ROOTS OF THE TREE.
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WHAT KIND OF TREE WAS IT?
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WHAT KIND DO THEY HAVE IN
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CENTRAL PARK?
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OH, YEAH, IT WAS A PALM TREE.
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LAY YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE PALM,
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FIRE UP THE HOOTER FROM JEREMY,
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AND START READING.
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SO THE MOVIE GOES LIKE THIS, THE
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BIGGEST DRUG CARTELS IN THE
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WORLD GET TOGETHER AND BUY UP
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ALL THE MEDIA AND ALL THE
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POLITICIANS AND FORCE ALL THE
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PEOPLE IN THE WORLD TO STAY
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LOCKED IN THEIR HOMES, AND
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PEOPLE CAN ONLY COME OUT IF THEY
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TAKE THE CARTEL'S DRUGS AND KEEP
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TAKING THEM OVER AND OVER.
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I THREW THE SCRIPT AWAY.
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I MEAN, WHO WAS GOING TO BELIEVE
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THAT CRAZY IDEA?
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BEING FORCED TO DO DRUGS?
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I DO THAT VOLUNTARILY ALL DAY
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LONG.
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ANYWAY, IT'S ABOUT THAT TIME.
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STILL NO JACKET.
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OKAY.
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WELL, WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR
YOU TONIGHT.
JACK WHITE IS
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HERE, WE■LL BE BACK
10712
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