All language subtitles for The.Love.Ban.1973.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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?Eve said to Adam well
I'm that kinda madam?

♪ Gonna sock it to you everyday ♪

♪ Adam said to Eve well
you better not believe ♪

♪ That the fig leaf's here to stay ♪

♪ He said yes she said no ♪

♪ You're not gonna show me how ♪

♪ But they started multiplying anyway ♪

♪ And nobody gonna change it now ♪

♪ Na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na ♪

♪ There's a population problem
answers must be found ♪

♪ So you better beware if
you're favourite area's ♪

♪ Two foot six above the ground ♪

♪ Queen Victoria said I'm sure you are ♪

♪ Just a looking for some royal fun ♪

♪ Albert said as he jumped into bed ♪

♪ I'ma sure gonna get me some ♪

♪ He said yes she said no ♪

♪ 'cause decorum was
the order of the day ♪

♪ But despite all the
pomp and the ceremony ♪

♪ They made it anyway ♪

♪ Na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na ♪

♪ There's a population problem ♪

♪ Answers must be found ♪

♪ But the trouble lies
if your eyes only rise ♪

♪ Two foot six above the ground ♪

♪ In this age of space
we're a supersonic race ♪

♪ And we've landed at the moon ♪

♪ And the way things are going ♪

♪ With the population growing ♪

♪ We'll be living up there soon ♪

♪ You say yes she'll say no ♪

♪ To a roll in the lunar hay ♪

♪ But despite the
gadgets and the gravity ♪

♪ They'll be doing it the same old way ♪

♪ Na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na ♪

♪ There's a population problem
answers must be found ♪

♪ Is our only hope we start to float ♪

♪ Two foot six above the ground ♪

Name of the father, the
son and the holy ghost, amen.

Oh.

Kate!

Let me in.

I want to talk to you.

I've got something important
I want to discuss with you.

Something which concerns us both, Kate.

Kate!

Oh, Oh Mick!

What have I done?

What have I done, I'm sorry.

That is it, I've had it now.

No, no Mick.

Mick!

Hey what's up?

I don't know.

No, No!

What are you playing at mommy?

Well, what were you playing at?

Oh nothing darling.

It's nothing, come on you go back to bed.

Why were you wrestling mommy?

Oh we weren't wrestling, darling.

Daddy and I, we were doing our exercises.

But why did you keep on saying no?

Well I didn't want to
exercise and daddy did.

Now come on back you go to bed.

Come on now.

Now no nonsense and no
playing around, come on.

I like wrestling.

I do too.

Night night.

Night mom.

Straight to sleep.

- Night mommy.
- Night mommy.

Mommy, has father Christmas come?

Oh you should be in bed, shouldn't you?

You know Father Christmas doesn't
come unless little girls are in bed.

I promise to
be a good girl mommy.

I thought I head a bang.

Oh you're quite right, Jackie.

There was half a bang, Mr. Goonahan

caught his finger in the door.

Oh, did he wake the children?

Yes but I put them all back to bed.

I don't know about the twins though.

Is he hurt bad?

No, I think he'll
live to play the violin again.

In you go now.

Oh no.

Kate, I want to put
something to you quite simply.

You are my wife, we were
married in the sight of God.

It's been 10 months now,

and I intend to claim my marital rights.

Mick, for the last time,

I don't mind going to bed with you

but there's a whole dormitory

of your marital rights out there,

and whatever God said to you personally

he somehow failed to say it to me.

I mean, I wish he had.

I've spent a total of 59 months

out of a possible 73
being pregnant so that you

and God could stay good
friends, and I've had it.

I've had it in a way that you, God

and Father Andrew find
difficult to understand.

Now Mick, are you going to
get out of that bed or not?

It's my bed.

Right.

Sleep well.

Nasty noise, nasty noise, stop it.

Jonathon, Jonathon do stop that.

Why?

Because I don't like it.

I don't like it either.

You're too good to be true, you are.

Now eat these while they're hot.

I can't eggs.

You asked for an egg.

I know but I've changed my mind.

Eggs are dead, dead baby chickens.

Oh now don't be so silly.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Now what are you looking for?

Plates.

Well they're up in the
nursery, and take the bottles.

And will you tell Mr. Goonahan he's late?

What room is he in?

He's probably in the bathroom.

He doesn't like to be
disturbed in the bathroom.

Well knock on the door.

Mommy!

Now what's happened?

Mom!

Where is Lucy?

She's in the basket.

Mommy, mommy, mommy.

Come on darling, out you come.

Now look, I shan't tell you two again.

You just wait till your
father gets down here.

It was an accident.

All right well you just get on

with your breakfast, all of you.

And you.

It's a dead baby chicken.

Mommy!

I didn't say anything.

He did!

What did he say?

I didn't say there was a
dead baby chicken in there.

Jonathon, do you want to
get into serious trouble?

No.

Then shut up and eat your breakfast.

I don't want another word out of you.

Oh.

Smelly things, smelly things!

Oh it's a little bit hot.

Just a
moment, just a moment.

I'll cool it down in the bathroom.

- Mick, you'll be late!
- Morning sir.

Morning.

Oh how's your finger?

How's my what?

Finger, sir.

What's wrong with my finger.

I don't know sir, is it bad?

I've just told you there's
nothing wrong with my finger.

I'm so glad sir because
they're painful things, fingers.

I saw him last night.

Who?

Now stop bickering you two.

Morning daddy, morning daddy!

The children said good morning to you.

Hmm?

Yes, what's the matter with that girl?

Which girl?

There's a choice of
four inside this house.

What do you want for breakfast?

The girl, what's her name.

- He means Jackie.
- Jackie.

Do you mean Jackie?

Well yes of course I mean Jackie.

No idea, how many eggs?

Do what?

What do want for your breakfast?

The usual.

Well the usual could
be anything from tea,

coffee, eggs, bacon and
eggs, sausage and eggs,

plain toast, and Ryvita
depending on your diet.

I'm quite aware of the varied menu

you set before me at the start of each

scintillating day of our married life.

Just as you are aware
that for the last week

I have been on a very, very strict diet,

Oh yes, it was so strict you ate

three whole packets of
potato crisps last night.

Tea or coffee?

Coffee, no tea, tea without milk.

That girl is definitely very dim.

Oh, I thought you thought
she was very bright.

Yes, well this morning she's dim.

Well she's probably
had a disturbed night.

People who have disturbed
nights are usually dim.

Is that meant to be a crack at me?

I had a disturbed
night because I saw him.

All right, you get on with
your breakfast, come on.

I shall have to have a talk with her.

Well, I mean after all, while she's

under this roof she's my responsibility.

Oh now look Mick, don't upset her.

I don't want to have to look

for somebody else this side of Christmas.

Anyway, I mean, the children
absolutely adore her.

I don't.

I don't either.

Of course you do, she's sweet.

Have you finished?

Yes.

All right well off you go.

And brush your teeth, and
don't forget to do your hair.

Race you upstairs,

last one there gets the red mug.

I never get the red mug.

This is tea, is this tea?

Well you asked for tea.

Why does that child stare at people?

Well she's probably never
seen anything like you before.

It's impossible to live like this.

Like what?

You know perfectly well
what I'm referring to.

Well it's up to you,
and the choice is almost

as varied as your breakfast menu.

Don't be crude in front of the children.

Oh god, come on you
two, I'll get you ready.

Tell daddy I saw him last night.

She says saw somebody last night.

Who'd did she see?

I don't know, and just as long

as it wasn't a gynaecologist
I don't care, come on.

I never had my orange juice.

Open up, open up.

Now come on, sit up, sit up.

Hey you two come here, come here.

Let me see your teeth.

Go back and do them again.

Told you so.

Hey, hey let me see,
and you, off you go.

Now come on, come on.

Daddy.

Huh?

I didn't wet the best last night.

Good, good, that's right
Sean you're a big boy now.

But I wet it this morning.

Have you done them?

Good, well go and get your gloves

'cause it's cold this morning,

and tell Jonathon to get his, all right?

What are you doing?

Cleaning my teeth.

Yes, well don't use that.

Why not?

It's mine.

Well yes, I know, I threw mine away.

I've got to get a new one.

All the same, I would rather

you didn't use my personal
toothbrush, not hygienic.

Don't tell me your frightened
of catching something?

That's the second time
you've been crude this morning.

Well it may interest you to know

that I feel crude this morning.

Now look, Kate, if
you're going to have a row,

you please close the door.

Mick, I'm not going to have a row.

I'm merely amazed that
a man who has given me

six children, and can therefore be said

to have an intimate knowledge of me,

that goes beyond oral hygiene,
can talk like you talk.

And don't tell me toothbrushes
are on the papal list.

Ah yes, well that's it isn't it?

When ever in doubt,
drag religion into it.

All right, would it make you feel better

if I use one of the children's brushes

and they can catch whatever's going?

Mommy!

Now Lucy, I have told you
before, I do not like you coming

into the bathroom when daddy is shaving.

I want to spend tuppence.

Yes well, go downstairs.

I can't wait.

What does she mean she can't?

She means she can't wait.

You've rinsed your
mouth in my shaving water.

Tough, as they say, luck.

Come on, quick, quick, quick.

I'm gonna take two apples.

Bye dad, bye!

Kate!

Now where are my car keys?

Where you left them, I suppose.

You got undressed in the spare
room last night remember?

Bye daddy, bye dad!

Bye bye, Jonathon.

Hope you
have a nice day at work!

See you when you come home!

Darling, I'm...

Oh Mr. Goonahan, I
thought I heard you go out.

No I came back.

I came back to get my car keys

which I left in the pocket of my trousers.

Oh yes, your trousers.

Oh, is your finger all right?

Yes, Jackie, I have been
meaning to have a talk with you.

Just pressure of work and that.

Sit down, sit down will you?

Now as you know, I am responsible for you

while you're over here working for us.

Not only responsible for your
wages, but also for your...

National Health, sir?

No, no, no, your...

Well your wellbeing.

Now as you know, I
stipulated to the agency

that I had to have a catholic girl,

and well the point is that
Father Andrew tells me

you've not been going to Mass.

Well it is a little
difficult, sir, with the twins.

Yes, yes, well we'll have
to have a talk about it.

Yes we'll talk about it.

Bye.

- Bye!
- Bye mom!

Off you go.

Madam?

Madam, darling, it might help
if we release the hand break.

Hand break?

It's the long one, goes down.

Good, now slip her into gear.

The one with the nobble on the top.

Splendid, now we're getting somewhere.

I do drive, you know?

Lovely, could have fooled me.

Now then, come over here
my love, come on lovely.

Very good, bit more, cone on, bit more.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I told you I could drive.

Terrific.

Morning Mrs. Goonahan, little Susan's

getting on well, is she not?

Ah yes, it's me we're worried about.

Lovely, you done that lovely.

I'll come early tomorrow we'll
make a day of it, oh dear.

What's the matter?

What's the matter with him?

Fancy pants parked innit
right in front of me.

Typical male driver,
do you want a coffee.

Yeah, that'd be nice love.

I gotta go to the clinic first.

Clinic?

Hmm.

The, uh, birth control clinic.

- Oh.
- Still, it's not very far.

Then we can have our coffee afterwards,

all right, you follow me, okay?

Okay.

Mick, can we grab you for a second

All right, it won't take a moment old son,

but we struck a slight snag with PX2.

It's a question of tolerance, really.

I think we can lick it with luck.

But I'd like to bounce it in
your court see what you think.

All right, Stephanie, let's have you.

Oh is that the PX2.

Yes, LJ.

Oh good.

Now is it all right there, Stephanie?

Yes.

You see the problem, Mick?

Not enough tolerance, a lot
of stress there on the side.

How long have you had that on, Stephanie?

Five minutes, would you say?

Oh yes, about that.

Yes, and already you see,

it's beginning to bunch them up a bit.

Hmm?

Oh yes.

Put your finger there, feel the tension.

Yes, you see it's difficult to
get your finger in, isn't it?

Yes, difficult to get your finger out.

Yes, now try and unhook it.

Uh, what's the weave factor?

37, sir.

- Yes.
- Yes.

'Cause we may have
overdone it, you know?

I mean they've gotta be tough enough

to survive the odd wash.

But on the other hand, we don't want

the bloody things to
last forever.

You see, as you know,
the whole thing's geared

to the ad campaign which is
"Women's lib gives you liberty."

And then underneath the other bit,

"They don't come off
unless you want them too"

which is very catchy.

Yes, well certainly they
don't come off at the moment.

You agree then, ease it off a bit?

Yes, yes.

Right, okay chaps that's the decision.

Right, Stephanie, let's get
into the next one shall we?

Most grateful, old son.

Oh, pleasure.

Ow!

Shan't be long.

I'm just shuffling off one
mortal coil and getting another.

Just about to begin
if you'd like to go in.

Oh well I'm waiting for a friend.

A married friend.

Well she'll find her own way.

We don't want to miss the beginning do we?

Could make the rest of the
lecture much harder to follow.

I suppose,

well they're all quite
old fashioned method.

Are all these...

Well most of them have been
withdrawn from circulation.

If you'd like to take a
seat I'll explain all.

Morning ladies.

Morning doctor.

And for the benefit for those of you

who haven't been here before, welcome.

And I hope you'll find these lectures

interesting, edifying, and
useful in your everyday lives.

An understanding of sex is

as necessary today as it's ever been.

And these lectures are
designed as a contribution

towards preventing mankind
marching headlong into disaster.

Sex is a primaeval urge in
man and in women.

And the problems of the world
today depend in great part

upon our ability to enjoy
the pleasures of sex

without suffering the consequences.

Have I missed anything?

No, no I don't think so.

Yes, we would like to apologise

for the fact that the last consignment

of our Futurama Full-Stretch Girdles

arrived in a damaged condition.

This is unfortunately
a discontinued line now

and it will take us 10 months to be...

Excuse me, Mr. Goonahan,
sir, don't you mean 10 weeks?

What, what did I say?

10 months?

10 months, Right, yes 10
weeks, 10 weeks, 10 weeks.

The commonest form of contraception

is still the condom sheath.

I expect you have already seen one.

Especially if you go to the

south of France for your holidays.

There's a story about a chemist who used

his thumb to indicate
how one of these is worn,

and whose customer took
him quite literally,

with somewhat startling results.

It fits, of course, over
the tumescent male organ.

What's that mean?

It means when your husband is ready.

I'm not married, does
it make any difference?

Yes, I think if we all pay attention

we'll get the full benefit.

This device, in the
vast majority of cases,

effectively prevents the
male sperm from entering the

the uh, the womb, sorry, miles away.

New letter to Talented Busts,

bracket, Hong Kong bracket, Limited.

Dear Mr. Lay-on, we are in
receipt of your valued order

for a further four gross of
our popular Mammoth range,

but note, with some envy, no not envy,

interest, interest...

Note with some interest
that our regular sizes

still do not meet with you
particular requirements.

Dear God.

Can I get you anything sire?

Would you like an aspirin?

No, no, no it's not aspirin I need.

I need a, well I think I
need a breath of fresh air.

When's my next appointment?

Oh um, 12:30 sir, you're having lunch

with the buyer from Trendy Teenagers,

Miss Partridge, at the Skyline Hotel.

Right.

From these humblest beginnings
we have now progressed

to the most sophisticated
form, namely the pill.

Perhaps you would just
like to pass these 'round.

There we are.

Contraceptives then, originally
they were made in France

from the membrane of the
cecum of young sheep.

Hence French bladders as they were called.

Have you had enough.

Oh yes.

Improvement on these original
french bladders followed...

Going already ladies?

Oh thank you very much, our
husbands are on night shift.

No, Naomi!

That's it, now, now,
faster, faster that's right!

And pass.

And pass again, that's right!

I wondered where you'd got to.

What do you think of our lovely lecturer?

Oh he seems very um, very competent.

They call him all thumbs and fingers.

Should we have coffee?

Yeah Tudor Rose, I'll see you there.

All right.

Hope we can park.

Oh blimey, it's just
come out of the garage

after the last time,
Charlie gonna do his nut.

Oh it's nothing,

let's say it was done
while we were parked.

Okay.

We've been in separate beds

since the twins were born.

What, 10 months?

- Yes.
- Well you must pray

for strength, Mick, and guidance.

I just get irritable and bloody minded.

Well, frankly we're just
getting on each other's nerves.

Now you must
resist these temptations.

Now I want you to say five Our Fathers

and five Hail Marys for your penance,

and make a good act of contrition now.

Oh my God.

Oh my God!

I heartily am sorry for
having offended thee

and I detest my sins
above every other evil

because they displease thee, my God,

who in thy goodness is so
deserving of all my love,

and I firmly resolve by thy holy grace

never more to offend thee
and to amend my life, amen.

Amen, God bless you my son.

Thank you Father.

Mick!

Mick!

Mick, Mick, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll look at a few of the
Catholic Truth Society books,

you know, about the safe period for her.

Kate doesn't trust it.

We have his holiness's
word that it's all right.

Yes, we tried it and got the twins.

Thank you, Father.

Pleasure, my child.

That's a fine, healthy looking young girl.

Yes.

Looking in the opposite
direction, no use at all.

Um, Andy, can I ask you something.

I mean we've known each other,

well, a fair old time, haven't we?

Ah, indeed we have, and
your father before you.

You did.

Ira's a great man, your father.

You know, he should
never have left Ireland.

Yes, what I wanted to say...

Tell me, has he settled in yet?

He's been here 17 years.

Is that all?

Oh well, another couple of years...

Andy?

Yes?

Does the fact that,
well you are what you are,

completely remove all the
attraction for the opposite sex?

Do I still have to sublimate

the call of the flesh, you mean?

Yes, I think that's what I mean.

Yes I do.

Oh.

Is that all you wanted to know, was it?

Yes, well no, look I was
wondering how you coped with it.

Well that depends.

Sometimes I close my
eyes and pray, you know.

Oh yes, yes of course.

Well what's the point of the question?

Hmm?

Oh well, you know, I'm
a happily married man,

as you well know, but
there are times, Andy,

when well things are, shall
we say, put in front of you.

And I, well I've tried your method.

Closing the old eyes, and
it has a very odd effect.

In what way?

Well, I know you'll find
this difficult to believe,

but, well the moment I close my eyes

their clothes drop off.

Does that happen every time?

Pretty well.

And it's nothing to do with
where you are at the time?

Oh no, no, no, no it happens anywhere.

You mean, right here in the street?

Certainly.

Do you make any distinction?

Oh yes, well I mean I got my standards.

I don't close my eyes for anybody.

But you know, within the normal limits.

Father Andrew.

Ah, good morning Mrs. Hale.

Good morning father.

I'd like to have a word with you later.

Yes certainly,

I'll see you in the church
in a couple of minutes.

What I don't hear in the
confessional I hear from Mrs. Hale.

It didn't happen that time, I take it?

Good god, no.

Yeah, I just want to get me bearings.

Think it odd, do you?

Well, it's odd yes, but not
really serious, I don't think.

I'll just have to give
it some more thought.

Yeah, well it's a...

Ah, some sort of human failing, I suppose,

which you must bring under control.

Yes well, I'll have to think about it.

It needs a little more thought.

Mick is in a constant state

of what is laughingly
known is erotic excitement.

Do you know I literally, literally

had to fight him off last night?

How long has this been going on?

Oh we're in our 10th month.

Christ.

Well it's all right for
you, you're on the pill.

Yes dear, lots of other things too.

I do a treble chance perm.

Look, I know it's a silly question,

but is it all paths lead to Rome?

Yes, with a quick
stopoff at Father Andrew's.

Course I don't hold with all that.

I couldn't live with a man
who had religious mania.

Oh, Mick hasn't got religious mania,

it's just that he takes
it all very seriously.

Charlie is not religious at all.

Hmm, he's nothing really.

Hmm, in fact, he's not even sexy anymore.

Oh Mick's sexy, all right.

Charlie, if I think about
him, I go right off him.

You see, it isn't that Mick and I,

well what I mean is, it
isn't that we don't want to,

but I don't know, what are we to do?

I mean, if he so much as
looks at me I'm in the club.

Did you telephone the garage?

Hmm, hmm-mm.

Well, look there's a man
doing something to your car?

Hmm yeah, what?

Oh!

Oh!

Now was that your car madam?

Yes, hmm wonder where
they're taking it to.

You realise both these cars

were parked in the restricted area?

And this one still is.

What's happened?

Towing me away.

Oh.

And is this your vehicle madam?

Oh yes but we were just going.

Yes, you see

my friend, hmm, she's pregnant.

Forever so faint, hmm, I
took a for a cup of coffee.

Yes, well strictly speaking,

pregnancy is not a defence in law.

Oh, what we gonna do about my car then?

Well I think justice has
been done, as they say.

And if your friend could now
drive you to to the pound,

oh that is if her condition allows it,

I dare say I could turn a blind
eye to the second offence,

and let you off with a caution.

Oh, thank you, thank you officer.

Well we'll do that then.

Really thank you, oh thank you very much.

Where do we have to go?

Fielding Road.

Oh my god!

Albert?

Albert?

I know you're driving
it you rotten bleeder!

Mr. Goonahan, your guest has arrived.

Thank you.

No, no, over there.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Thank you.

Miss Partridge?

Yes, how do you do?

Very well, very well, thank you.

Sorry I'm a bit late.

Would you like to have a drink here

or would you prefer to go
straight to your table?

I think I'd like a drink
first, how about you?

Yes, we'll order here.

As you wish,

Thank you.

Are you the Miss
Partridge who wrote to me?

Yes, shouldn't I be?

Oh yes, just that you look
different from your letter.

I mean, that's to say, what I had imagined

from your letter was quite different.

Is that good or bad?

Oh no, it's, it's good.

You write a very good letter.

What do I fancy?

I mean, what would you like to eat?

Oh, you choose, I'm hopeless with menus.

Well, they do quite a
few things very well here.

Just a question of,
well what do you enjoy?

Do you like garlic?

Garlic?

Hmm, I adore it, I just
wondered if you would.

It turns some men off.

Ah no, let's both
have something garlicky.

Sorry I was a bit thick
when I first came in.

I wasn't expecting to meet anybody...

How did you get to be what you are?

I mean, you signed your letter

chief marketing director, very impressive.

Well, I used to be a
model, then I got to know

Mr Greenburg, who runs the firm.

First of all, he wanted to put
me under exclusive contract.

I didn't mind, then I found
out that I was to have been

under Mr. Greenburg, literally.

So we got over that, and put things

on a more business-like footing.

Really?

You know most men in
the rag trade make a pass,

present company excepted, of course.

Yes, yes how about the scampi provencal?

Lovely, anything you say.

What have you done to your finger?

Oh, nothing, nothing
I shut it in the door.

You must have a new plaster on that.

I always carry some in my bag
in case I ladder my tights.

Oh no, no, no, don't bother.

Quite all right.

Better?

Much.

Dressed partridge, undressed partridge,

breast of partridge, leg of partridge,

whole partridge on a bed of garlic.

Oh!

Uh oh.

Oh oh.

Well, quite a day we're having, aren't we?

I take it neither of you

young ladies wish to prefer charges?

- Oh no.
- No, no, no.

No we don't, no.

You won't be doing any
night driving, will you?

Not without a rear or
front lights?

Oh.

No.

Well, mind how you go.

I'm ever so sorry.

Oh darling, it wasn't your fault.

If they hadn't towed you away
it wouldn't have happened.

No, no, but what are we
gonna say about this one?

I know, we'll say we stopped suddenly

into pedestrian crossing
and got sandwiched.

Oh yes, yes.

My god, Father Andrew.

Albert!

Oh dear!

Can't find me shirt!

Oh with cats at nine,
him in the afternoon,

bloke can't get a decent
lay down, ta-ra love.

Oh hello father.

Would you like to come in?

Well if you're not too busy.

On your own, are you?

Oh yes, Mrs. Goonahan's out.

Are the twins not here?

Oh yes father, but
they're asleep in the pram.

Good, 'cause I want
to have a talk to you.

What about?

Don't be doing the innocent Mary to me.

Go and put the kettle on.

Oh.

Oh darling!

Darling, are you all right?

Well get his number!

Well did you get it?

No, he's gone, he's gone too far away.

Well I'd know him again, bloody idiot!

Have you done much damage?

Oh that's not too bad.

Oh look at that, Kate.

Oh dear, oh nevermind
darling, you couldn't help it.

They ought to keep drivers
like that off the road,

Just as long as you weren't hurt.

Come on now darling, come on in

and I'll make you a nice cup of tea.

You've had a nasty shock.

Funny smell of garlic.

What?

Hmm, just here.

Oh hello Andy.

Oh hello Kate.

Are the twins all right, Jackie?

Yes Mrs. Goonahan.

- Is that tea fresh?
- Yes I've just made it.

Well Mr. Goonahan's had a nasty shock.

Oh, what happened.

Well some idiot came out of the turning

without any warning and
Mick bashed in to my car.

Are you all right Nick?

Oh, sit down darling,
shock's often delayed.

But did this fellow not stop?

Nick says he'd know him again though.

Ooh, sorry father.

Oh is that the time?

Oh yes, it's just half past three.

Yes I must go and collect the children.

That means taking your car
Mick, is that all right?

Now darling, you're sure your okay?

Don't want me to get the doctor?

Well you take a couple of these

with your tea, there you are.

I won't be long.

It's more than aspirins, you need.

Yeah well, I'm sorry about the car, Mick.

Yes, well that's the least of my problems.

I'll just go and see about
the twins Mr. Goonahan.

You got a problem there, Mick.

I've got problems everywhere.

Yeah, but that girl in particular.

Now did you notice anything
about her when you came in?

No.

No?

Oh well you wouldn't, of
course you were still in shock.

Here, take your aspirins.

I notice something for you.

Underneath that blouse
she's naked above the waist.

You noticed that on my behalf, did you?

You crafty bugger, and you a man of God.

Well just because I don't poke the fires

doesn't mean I don't
notice the mantelpieces.

You've got a dirty mind.

Yeah well, you need
to have in my business

to stay ahead of the game.

I better be going.

Listen, I've been thinking
about your problem.

Would you like me to
have a talk with Kate?

No no, no good.

Yes, well I'm here if you want me.

You finish your tea, I'll see myself out.

- Night night mommy.
- There's a good girl.

I will go to sleep nice mommy.

Oh you are a good girl.

Night night darling, sleep well.

Night night.

Mick, we've got to talk
about Christmas day.

Have your parents decided yet?

Not yet.

I've got to know because
off all the arrangements.

We don't want a fiasco like last year.

What happened last year?

What happened last year

was that I had a nervous breakdown.

Your mother insulted my mother

exactly eight minutes after
she entered the house.

Oh that.

That in the fact that the
children hated the presents.

Your father gave the boys dolls,

for some reason best known to his analyst.

He doesn't go to an analyst.

Oh perhaps he should, and preferably

before the day after tomorrow.

Well your parents are impossible.

Oh I agree darling, my
parents are totally bloody...

I mean, your father is the

Church of England's
version of Martin Borman.

The fact remains that for
the brief season of goodwill...

He told my father that
the pope was Jewish.

We want peace, not necessarily on earth.

That would be asking too much.

Which is a, a way-out remark.

It would be nice if...

Darling you're not watching
that, should I turn it off.

No don't, I am waiting for one

of our commercials to come up.

It would be nice if we enjoyed
Christmas for once, agreed?

Yes, yes of course.

Darling, that's all I'm saying.

Well what's your answer then?

I haven't got an answer.

It's just I used to love Christmas,

and, oh I don't know, now
it's become a nightmare.

Life's a nightmare.

What's that supposed to mean?

Our life is a nightmare.

Well, recently yes.

Yes, and who's fault's that?

Look Mick, I'm tired, I don't want

another night like last night.

I have got something to show you.

Oh, what have you done to it?

Not my finger, this.

What is it?

What is this doing in my house?

I can't see it, what is it?

I don't want you to even touch it.

Oh Mick, you're being
ridiculous, what is it?

It, it is the outer covering
for a rubber product.

Oh, that.

What do you mean, "oh, that?"

Well nothing so, it's
not take your pick, is it?

Do you know where I found it?

I found it on the floor of your kitchen.

What do you mean my kitchen?

It's your kitchen too.

I demand to know who put it there.

How should I know who put it there?

You deny any knowledge, do you?

Mick, I, I, I think you're mad.

I really think your brain has softened.

What would I want with one of those?

That's what I'm asking you.

Well first of all, are
we talking about the packet

or what was inside the packet?

Now you know perfectly
well what I'm talking about.

Well Mick, if you can bring yourself

to think of what was inside the packet,

I take it you know that most women,

no matter how desperate,

are not in the habit of wearing them.

My god, you've got a mind like a sewer.

It's worse than I thought.
- Then what did you think?

Do you think I go around the kitchen

dropping those like hints?

I'm not that subtle.

Well, perhaps one of the children got it

as a special offering in their cornflakes.

Now I am asking you for the last time

do you know anything about it?

I know what it is, it's a contraceptive,

or if you prefer it a a letra francais.

But I did not, repeat, not
introduce it into our kitchen.

I wish I had the courage,

or better still, I wish
you had the courage,

because then we might be
upstairs in bed together,

instead of standing around here playing

Sherlock Holmes and the
case of the missing condom.

Well may God forgive you.

You realise what you've done, don't you?

You have just destroyed any
remaining respect I had for you.

Don't be so pompous.

My own wife should even know such names.

Mick, I knew them long before I met you,

and if that shocks you after
all these years then I'm sorry.

The fact that we don't
sleep together anymore

doesn't mean that I've stopped
loving you or wanting you.

I probably want you more
now than ever before,

but I'm just sick and
tired of fighting you,

the pope, your mother, and your
best friend with dog collar.

I'm just sick of arguing about it.

So perhaps you'd better be shocked by me

while I'm still around,
because let me tell you,

I may not be around much longer.

Damn, and I missed
the bloody commercial.

Kate?

Kate, I'm sorry.

Can I come in, I won't
try anything, I promise.

Look, I know I'm pompous.

Well I'm all the things you say I am.

But you see, I can't help it,

it's just the way I was brought up.

I mean, I haven't stopped
loving you either,

you know, that's the whole trouble.

I'm not gonna try anything, I promise.

You didn't mean that
about going away, did you?

Look, look at me.

You didn't really mean it, did you?

No, not really.

Oh well then, that's all right.

And I'll think of
something, I really will.

Can I stay here tonight?

Um, well should we get undressed then?

I'm too tired.

What?

Too tired.

Sean, there you are, up you come.

Mommy went to bed with
her clothes on last night.

Of course she didn't.

She did too.

Oh
good morning Mr. Goonahan.

We are dressed bright
and early this morning.

Hmm.

Come on.

- Mick!
- What is it?

What's happened?

Nothing, nothing I hadn't
said goodbye, that's all.

Oh.

Look, about last
night, I've been thinking

and don't worry because it's
all going to be all right.

Yes.

Well I've been thinking about that.

Yes, well we'll talk about it.

I'll be a different person
when you get home tonight

and we'll get all the Christmas things

done and we'll get to bed early.

Fine.

Drive carefully.

Would you like to take a seat sir?

Ah, hello Mick.

Oh hello, uh hello Andy.

Have I taken your appointment?

No, no, no I was just passing
by and I saw you in here,

thought I'd say hello,
say Merry Christmas.

Oh, Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.
- Did you want a haircut, sir?

No thank you, my wife likes it long.

Yes, well I'm off home now so I'll uh,

I'll say goodbye Andy.

Yes, oh and give my love
to Kate and the children.

I will, I will.

Excuse me.

Oh, can I help you sir?

Yes, I'd like to buy some,

I'd like to buy some, I'd
like to buy something.

Yes sir.

Yes, how do you sell them?

Uh, what's that sir?

The preventive things.

Oh, yes sir.

Well, it depends what you normally use.

Oh yes of course, of course.

Uh, would you like to serve
this lady first, please?

Oh.

Oh thank you very much.

Well ma'am, what can I do for you.

Well I wanted something
for a very severe pain in...

Who's this for?

Uh, me.

Oh, uh sir, we do do our own brand

which comes in four colour
ways and boxed dozens.

Or else there is the economy pack.

No I don't think so.

What sir?

Changed my mind, made a mistake,

that's not what I wanted at all.

Thank you very much.

Um, do you have a glass of water please?

A what?

A glass of water.

I, I want to take one now.

Uh, could I...

Just take a seat sir, I
won't keep you a moment,

I'm just finishing off Mick Jagger here.

All right Burt thanks a lot,

that's a real neat one
there, see you fellow.

Um, oh no, no, no it's all right.

I didn't come in here.

I know exactly what you came
in for sir, just take a seat.

I won't keep you long
madam, just take a seat.

Thank you, now sit down there..

Look, a trim, all right,
just, just, just a trim.

Yes sir.

Father, I must speak to you.

Well what is it?

Father, it's my bounden duty to tell you

of a foul sin I have
just been a party too.

Oh, well uh, did you
take pleasure in it.

Well now, you never know,
but you've got to be

very careful about these sort of things.

How could you think...

♪ Oh come all ye faithful ♪

♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪

♪ O come ye O come ye to Bethlehem ♪

♪ Come and behold him ♪

♪ Born the king of angels ♪

♪ O come let us ♪

Hey you!

Come here!

Oh, hello, what a lovely surprise.

Yeah, well I can't stop
love, I'm in a terrible rush.

Oh no you don't, look.

Morning.

Hello father.

Ah, sure they're
getting bigger everyday.

And have you found a
good catholic boy yet?

Of course.

Oh, do I know him?

No, he goes to a different church.

Oh, I see, well I'm glad
because to tell you the truth,

I've been very worried about you.

I want to see you married
with a family of your own.

Aww there, there, there there.

Tell me, what your boys name?

Albert.

Albert what?

Albert rotten bastard.

Oh my god.

Who do you think you're talking to?

Oh you keep out of this,
I'm talking to my Albert.

Since when?

Excuse me father, hang on
to that a minute, will you?

He's been my Albert
now for quite a long time.

Oh you shut up, it's him
I want to talk to anyway.

How dare you talk to me like that?

Girls, girls please, not
in front of the babies.

And you keep it out of it as well.

And you should have some respect
for lady in my condition.

In what condition?

Katie?

No, now no more.

Dry your eyes now.

Take care of those children.

Now will you stop that snivelling?

And put the kettle on.

Uh, Mick?

Mick?

Hello Mick, are you up there Mick?

It's only me.

Mick?

You upstairs, Mick?

Mick?

It's only me.

Mick, can you hear me Mick?

Mick, you there?

Anybody home?

Funny.

Guys, come
on.

Hello Kate, I was just looking for Mick.

Oh, was it anything important?

Thank you darling.

Oh yes, well uh, it's not important.

Go to Jackie.

I'll wait until I see him.

Oh okay.

No, what's the matter with
you? What are you crying for?

Oh, you're very wet, come one.

Jackie, leave those would
you, and go and change them.

They're very wet.

There we are.

Come on, oh what is it?

You don't like being wet, do you?

Thank you father.

Well, this house is
a mad house, as usual.

Now come on, but those down.

Look what you've done,

you've made a mess all over the floor.

There's a good girl, now come on.

Go and wash your hands before tea.

Don't come down till I call you.

I, um, I had a haircut today.

Did you?

Yes, and then I went for a
walk in the shopping precinct.

It's all go, isn't it.

Yes, now look I want to talk to you

about what I discovered there.

Oh, excuse me.

Mom, come and
help me open the door!

Now what's going on up there?

Can't get in the bathroom!

Sean, what are you doing?

Can't get in, the door's locked.

Now if you're messing
about I shall be very cross.

Now what is going on.

Now look, I should give you a smack Sean,

if you're playing up again.

Will you be quiet?

Nothing.

The door's locked.

Oh now, don't tell fibs.

Who, who's in there?

Now come on, somebody must have
locked the door, who is it?

Who's in there?

Is there anybody in there?

Me!

Oh, it's daddy.

Darling, why didn't you say,
you must've heard the children.

How long are you going to be?

Look, some time, I think.

Oh you better go downstairs
and use the cloakroom, go on.

You know Andy's downstairs do you?

Mick?

What?

I said, you know Andy's downstairs.

Yes, well I don't want to see him, do I?

Well I don't want to see him either

but I'm stuck with him.

You're all right, aren't
you, not sick or anything?

No, I just want to be left alone.

No what's the matter with you.

Nothing.

Oh Kate, do you have a moment.

Frankly, no, but what is it?

Is it anything important?

Well as a matter of fact it is,

but look if you're too busy

I'll wait until Mick comes back.

Daddy's in the loo,

daddy's in the loo, daddy's in the loo.

Stop with that, shh, quiet.

He's home then, is he?

No, they just saying anything now.

Now come on, all of you.

Come here.

Are these sweets, mum?

I found them in the car.

No darling, of course
they're not sweets.

Now come along, all of you.

I want you to go upstairs

and I want you to play very quietly

until I get tea ready, up you go.

Look, I'll call back later then.

Later?

But it's Christmas Eve.

Oh look Andy, I don't mean to be rude,

but you see, Mick and
I, well we planned to,

well what I mean is we'd
um, well we want to,

well look, couldn't you
come back after Christmas?

Not really, no.

Oh, well look I'll tell you what.

Um, if you'd like to come back

when I've got the children in bed,

you know sort of later,
that would be better.

Oh yes, all
right, I'll do that then.

Yes, you see I would
invite you to dinner,

but we're not having dinner really,

and I've got Mick's family
and the turkey to look...

Oh no, look I understand,
well I'll come back later then.

Hi daddy.

I think he's died.

Dead people don't talk.

Some do.

All right now, everybody into bed.

Bet Father Christmas is getting ready...

Night mommy!

Night night, darling.

Night night Darling!

But the lion won't eat you.

The lion won't me no, well
I'm glad about that, night.

Give it some food.

Yes, all right, night night, God bless.

Mick?

Mick?

Oh Mick I was...

Oh no, what have you done?

What have you done to you hair?

I have had it cut.

Well I can see that.

Oh thank goodness the
children were spared it

before they went to bed.

Oh thank you.

I mean, what made you stop there?

Why didn't you go the whole hog?

It might interest you to know
that my changed appearance,

which apparently you find so amusing,

is the result of my attempt
to save our marriage.

Oh well I'm not going to tell
you if you're going to laugh.

Oh, oh Mick, I'm not laughing
darling, really I'm not.

I did something today which went

against everything I believe in.

Are, are you listening?

Yes.

I decided that one of
us had to make the break.

And that that person had to be me.

I couldn't allow you to drift

into mortal sin and so I I made the...

Look, I am not going to go on

if you are going to stand there giggling.

No darling, I'm listening, really I am.

It wasn't easy for
me but after last night

I convinced myself it was the only way,

that despite Andy and my
religion the only way that I...

Oh I can't go on if you're

going to behave like a school girl.

Sorry darling.

I'm really sorry, really.

I know how you feel,

and I couldn't let you
take desperate measures

so I went out today to buy certain things.

What sort of things?

You know perfectly well what I mean.

Things!

Oh, things.

Yes.

At the, at the hairdressers?

I tried other places apart

from the hairdressers but without success.

What did you do?

Did you wear the while they
cut your hair.

I can see it's useless to continue

while you're in this mood.

I shall go and do the
children's stockings.

Oh hello, is this a...

Hello Mick, why you've changed your hair.

Yes I have.

Well I said I'd call back.

Now I hope it's convenient.

You should've taken my
appointment at the hairdressers.

Andy, let's us just
forget my hair, shall we?

Oh, sorry.

Ah, hello Kate, well I'm back like I said.

Oh well if you've come to tell us

the Christmas story we've
already heard it.

Don't take any notice of
her, she's in a funny mood.

It's important, is it?

It is, Mick, yes.

Yes, well you better come in then.

Well, what's it to be?

Tea, coffee, or the hard stuff?

I don't know about you two
but I need a real drink.

Funny mood, funny mood.

Was that father Andrew just now?

Ah yes, he's come in for one

of his convenient little chats.

Oh god.

Well has anybody any idea
what's the matter with Jackie?

I no sooner mentioned Andy was here

that she burst into tears
and rushed upstairs.

Ah yes, she would, yes.

What do you mean, she would, yes?

Uh, take it that way, she would, yes.

What's he talking about?

I don't know, what
are you talking about?

Sit down, Mick, go on sit down.

She is in a state of mortal sin.

Aren't we all.

Yes well, now I'll get
around to that it in a minute.

Jackie is, well how do you say it?

Say what?

Well tonight of all nights,

but the point is, not
to beat about the bush,

I'm afraid that girl of yours is

in the same condition the blessed virgin

was in nearly 2,000 years ago.

Well presumably not
exactly the same condition.

Well, shall we say the end result

is likely to be the same.

Well, shall we?

You mean, she's pregnant?

That's about it.

About it, or it?

Definitely it.

Well, unless she's carrying it very well

I assume we're not going to
have to clear the garage tonight

to make room for the three wise men.

It's not a joke, Kate.

Look, I've got Christmas
day and your family,

if I don't joke about it
I shall burst into tears.

So, she's pregnant right?

Well that's not exactly earth
shattering news in this house.

But now we've got that much established,

all we've got to find out is when and who.

Well don't look at me.

No no, don't look at Mick.

Well, all right, but it seems

very strange that your clerical friend

should drop in tonight of
all nights, as he puts it,

and throw out these cryptic hints.

What cryptic hints?

Well, if you didn't get them, I did.

Now were you making hints?

No, no, not hints.

No, but to answer your
previous question as to who,

the gentleman concerned
happens to be waiting outside.

Oh, we're not going to have
a shotgun wedding are we?

Because you see, unlike you
two, I haven't had my hair done.

Will you shut up?

Is it anybody we know?

Well I don't think so.

Shall I bring him in?

Yes, go ahead.

Mick, what do you mean go ahead?

It's Christmas Eve.

Yes, well I thought of that

but I felt it my duty
to get an understanding

between the two of them, face to face.

Yes, well I think that's,

that's reasonable enough,
don't you darling?

Mick, only two men
could find it reasonable

to sort out a pregnant au
pair girl on Christmas Eve.

It's, well it's, shall we say,

a little late in everybody's day.

Kate, that's justified, what you said.

I can only plead with you.

Well, the father of the
child's outside, is he?

Yes.

Nervous or belligerent?

A little of both.

Wonderful, oh what a
pity we didn't plan this

for tomorrow, so much
better than charades.

Oh, well I suppose I better
go and tidy up the bride.

Albert?

Ah Albert, this is Mr. Goonahan.

Evening.

It's a lovely time of year it is.

Especially for the children.

Yeah.

Ah, Mick.

Who's van's that outside?

Van, hmm?

That your van is it?

I come in a van, yeah.

Do you always drive that van, do you?

Nothing wrong with that, is there?

Licenced.

Very odd.

What's he on about?

I'll tell you what I'm on about.

A van suspiciously like the one outside

nearly caused a very nasty accident.

Only nasty accident I
caused is the one upstairs.

There's no need to be crude.

What's crude about it?

I'm only stating the facts.

Sordid facts, if I may say so.

Oh I see, you mean you
never dipped your wick?

I most certainly have not.

Ah, yes, Mick I don't think
this line of questioning

is likely to help the present situation.

Oh dear, lovely, way to
rope myself in here, isn't it?

Sh, sh, just calm down.

She'll be all right in a minute.

No use crying now, is there?

I mean you enjoyed it at the time.

Leave her alone, she'll be
all right, just sit down there.

Yes, Jackie we're not
trying to distress you.

We're just want to solve the problem.

Now Mr. Baker, Mr. Baker
I take it you are aware

that Jackie is a catholic girl.

That's what you'd told me, yeah.

And you're not.

No, I'm definitely not a catholic girl.

My good man, I think your
humour is slightly misplaced.

Probably, yeah.

Yes, now let, let me say it.

Mr. Baker is not of the faith, which...

Thickens the soup.

Here, come on, dry your eyes.

Well don't let us prolong the agony.

I've come willing, shown willing,

I admit I'm responsible,
so are you, come to that.

Me?

Yeah, you're too fond of

ringing doorbells before the game's over.

There was I, playing extra time upstairs

while he's on the doorstep
whistling for off-side.

See normally I usually wear shin guards.

Shin guards?

Yeah well, you know?

Oh.

Just a minute, do you
mean to say you've actually

had the nerve to seduce
this girl in my house?

Mick, what does the place matter?

But he's not even a catholic.

Well, nor's the baby yet,
let's talk about that, shall we?

We have to think of
the moral issues, Kate.

I know that Andy, you
don't have to tell me.

But an unborn baby is
hardly in the position

to appreciate the subtleties.

Well yes, yes, I accept that,

but we have to think of the moral issues.

I come back to one thing,

and that is Mr. Baker is not a catholic.

All right, we've established that, so?

It's a very big hurdle.

Oh does that mean you'd have preferred

Jackie to be seduced by a protestant

with a contraceptive or
a catholic without one.

Oh well, Kate, I mean if

you're going to descend to his level.

Mick, I'm not descending anywhere,

I'd just like a plain
answer to a plain question.

After all, it affects
me too, as we all know.

- Are you in the club and all?
- She most certainly is not.

Only asking.

I just like to know
whether you think it's better

We can't take the easy way out Kate.

There's not compromise with God.

There can't be
many popes in heaven then.

Now that's unfair.

Look, I'm not getting at you personally,

I like you, I like you very much,

and you're true to your faith,

but, oh it's a man's faith, Andy.

Worse, it's a, it's a bachelor's faith

dictated, organised and
administered by bachelors.

Oh you're all such
experts but we're the ones

who have to have the babies.

Now in all of this not one of you

has asked Jackie what she feels.

I mean that wouldn't occur to any of you.

Well, I'm going to.

Come on, so you can all stay down here

while I take her upstairs
and sort it all out.

Go on, listen to the commercials.

♪ Unto us a son is given ♪

♪ Unto us a son is given ♪

♪ Oh unto us a child is born ♪

♪ Unto us a child is born ♪

♪ Unto us a son is given ♪

♪ Oh unto us a newborn child is born ♪

Thank you sir, any special requests?

Yes, but I don't think you can sing it.

Merry Christmas,
merry Christmas.

Yes well, what do we do now?

Well we could have a drink.

Oh that's not a bad idea,
will you have a jar, Andy?

Oh, well thanks, Mick.

You know I have a thumping head.

You don't have any aspirins do you?

Yes, I think so, she
usually keeps some in the,

look give me that thing there will you?

Uh yes, here you are.

Ah thank you.

See the trouble with life is you can't

just take an aspirin and forget about it.

Ah, true.

Here give us a couple.

Ah, yes well it look's
like being a long night,

so I think I'll join you.

Well uh...

SIáinte.

Cheers.

I like your wife.

What's that mean?

Don't get hairy, just a compliment.

I like her, she got spirit.

Yes, she's got that all right.

Attractive with it.

You find most women
attractive, it would seem.

Yes, well some men just
can't control themselves.

Yeah, it's a petty
about blokes like you.

Now what's that supposed to mean?

Well you've got more kids than I have.

That will be my first time with it.

Yes, well uh, what about the bird in,

or the, what about that girl
in that shopping precinct.

Ah, not mine, she's a raver.

Married, nice steady
husband, one on the way,

still chasing me, what can I do?

You can do the right thing
about Jackie, for a start.

Oh don't give me all that cobblers.

If she wasn't your au pair girl

you wouldn't be giving me
scotch on Christmas Eve.

You wouldn't wanna know.

And if she a nice Church of
England girl, nor would you.

Carnal knowledge

outside of holy matrimony is always a sin.

Carnal what?

Well whatever you call it.

I make it sound a bit more attractive.

You know, bit of grummet?

Knee trembler?

Banging the nail home.

See to me, carnal knowledge is what

dirty old men read about in books.

No offence, but I find you
two funny, especially you.

And once again, nothing personal,

but it is strange that people

who've never done it tell other people

who are doing it all
the time how to do it.

You must admit I got a point.

If we was all perfect you'd
have to turn your collar in.

Well, how would you answer that, Mick?

Well I think we've seemed

to forgotten Jackie, like Kate said.

Right, it's because you're not talking

about people, you're talking

about bleeding perfection
and it doesn't exist.

Now why don't you ask me if
I'm prepared to marry her?

- Well are you?
- Are you?

Yeah, if she wants to.

See, I thought I was coming here

for a punch up to fix the date.

Mind you, I'm not gonna push it.

She's gotta want it too, otherwise no go.

I mean this is a a new situation for me.

What do you mean a new situation?

Having a baby, spoiled my record,

it's never been my scene.

Yes I find it difficult to imagine

exactly what your scene is.

Well if you don't mind me saying so,

my scene is a bloody sight healthier

then sitting 'round here rabbiting,

especially when you've
got an attractive bird.

Sorry, wife, who to my
eye, seems a little short

on the old, married
comforts, know what I mean?

Well have you experts
found the solution?

Oh, I see you've found
your own solution, as usual.

As a matter of fact, we
were just talking about you.

Oh that must have been very rewarding.

Well actually we weren't
talking about you darling,

just that your name happened
to come into the conversation.

Well do you know I wouldn't
mind talking about me

because I've been thinking
while I was upstairs

settling Jackie, oh and by
the way it'll be all right

because she wants to have it.

Did she say that?

Yes, she did so that's
your problem from now on.

But I'd like to talk about my problem,

which, well perhaps you
could help with, Mr. Baker.

Albert, Albert.

Well, since you're the expert, Albert,

perhaps we ought to take advantage.

Well I don't know what
your problem is, do I?

Well, um, it's really only a coincidence

that Andy's here tonight
trying to save Jackie,

because usually he's trying to save me.

And you know, the curious thing is,

I don't seem to get the same advice.

Well to put it bluntly, if
it would have been all right

for you to use something to
save Jackie's immortal soul,

why can't I use something to save mine.

Kate.

Oh, it's that is it?

Yes Albert, it's that.

Now you're twisting my words, Kate.

Am I?

Well maybe I am a little, but
it's still a good question.

Look Kate, it's all a matter of faith.

Andy, that's not an answer.

It's the only one I've got to give.

Oh, faith isn't going
to make that girl upstairs

any less pregnant, and faith is going

to stop me from becoming pregnant.

You see, the church can afford faith

because it's, oh it's rich and it's grand

and it gets away with murder,

and it never gives an inch, not an inch.

Well it's giving
inches all the time Kate,

but you want it in yards.

All I want is the right to choose.

And if I haven't got that
then I haven't got a marriage.

Well you wouldn't expect me
to agree with that, would you?

No, but I'd settle for understanding.

Well you have that.

I do understand, believe me.

I don't want to destroy your marriage.

You follow your own conscience,

because God gave you that too.

Well look, I really, I really
must be going I'm afraid.

Albert, take care.

Will do.

I'll see you out Andy.

Oh yeah, thanks Mick.

Yes I've got to go and make preparations

for the Midnight Mass tonight.

Thanks Mick, well, goodbye.

Andy, merry Christmas.

Well.

I thought you did very well.

Has Jackie gone to bed, has she?

Yes.

Would it be all right if
I dropped around Boxing Day?

Why not?

Um, who had this out?

Oh, we did, we all had headache.

What, all of you?

Mm.

Oh my god.

What's up?

Nothing, I, I hope they
did you all some good.

Well I better be going too.

Your Missus said it'd be all right

if I dropped around Boxing Day.

Uh, fine, fine.

Only remains for me to

wish you both the
compliments of the season.

I suppose you and me ought to
exchange addresses sometime.

What, what for?

It's normal isn't it?

When there's been an
accident and nobody got hurt?

Ta-ra.

Happy Christmas.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Extraordinary character.

Hmm.

He said some very nice
things about you though.

Did he?

Yes, I don't know, I
suppose we're lucky really.

I think we are.

Come on, let's go upstairs

and do the children's
stockings, they're almost ready.

Right.

Would you like to open your present now?

It's not brilliantly wrapped.

Just a sec, darling.

Oh, now what.

Oh darling, it doesn't matter.

Darling there's lights on over there.

I don't suppose everybody
got binoculars for Christmas.

Well darling, put the lights
out if it bothers you.

All right, all right.

You can open your present in the dark.

What is it?

You're holding it.

Where are you?

Over here.

Where's over here?

By the bed.

Oh, what are you up to?

Nothing.

You uh, you haven't
taken anything, have you?

Darling, I haven't taken

anything you haven't taken.

I love you, you know?

I love you.

Mommy, he's come, I've got a duck!

♪ He'll say yes she'll say no ♪

♪ To a roll in the lunar hay ♪

♪ But despite the
gadgets and the gravity ♪

♪ They'll be doing it the same old way ♪

♪ Na na na na na na na na na na na ♪

♪ There is a population problem ♪

♪ Answers must be found ♪

♪ Is our only hope
if we start to float ♪

♪ Two foot six above the ground ♪

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