All language subtitles for [SubtitleTools.com] Secrets of Playboy S02E05 - Meu Corpo , Minha escolha_track3_[eng]

Hefner: Any woman who appears
in the centerfold of "playboy"

Will receive
major media attention.

It changes lives.

It becomes one
of the most important decisions

In a woman's life.

Victoria: They took young women.
They were nameless.

They were maybe average,

And they created goddesses
out of us.

You went from an ordinary woman
into an icon.

Kari ann: After seeing, like,
the carmen electras

And the pamela anderson,
anna nicole smith,

I decided to pose
for the magazine.

She said, "hef loves you."

It was crazy.
It happened so fast.

When I made
the choice to do "playboy,"

I didn't realize all the choices
that I was making

That came with that.

When it came to playmates,
they were extremely controlling,

And the way "playboy"
controlled playmates

Is through shame and guilt.

They figured, "we made you
this playmate, and we own it."

Hef invited me up
to his bedroom,

And there are seven girlfriends
and vibrators everywhere.

Announcer: Kari peniche,
miss united states teen.

I didn't realize at the time
that a big part of my innocence

Was actually taken at that time,
too.

Playboy would introduce models
to men in power

And hope that models would just
succumb to their advances.

And I didn't know that
I had no room for error.

Come on.
I'm, like, 100% perfect.

Don't I get 1%
of a little error?

With playboy, our bodies
did not belong to us.

[motor revving]

My name is hugh hefner.

I'm editor-publisher
of "playboy" magazine.

Reporter: Playboy is one

Of the most famous brand names
in the world.

It was simply to include sex as

One natural part of a package
for a male audience.

Kari ann: When I made the choice
to do "playboy,"

I didn't realize all
the choices that I was making

That came with that choice.

Pitzulo: We don't judge the men
for buying the "playboy"s,

But we judge the women
for posing for "playboy."

Jill:
I was never jill anymore.

I was jill
that posed for "playboy."

Ashley: I just gave in
and knew that I was

Probably gonna go to hell.

Zoe:
It got to a certain point

Where it wasn't fun anymore.

Sondra:
This process was very painful,

But I should be able to tell
my story as I lived it.

Playboy is iconic.

When you think of americana,
you think of playboy.

And more than anything, I wanted
to be an all-american girl.

I always wanted to go to l.A.
And become an actress,

And some of the most famous,
beautiful women

Have been in the magazine--

Pamela anderson,
madonna, sharon stone.

So, I decided
to pose for the magazine.

Playboy was a very recognizable
brand in the united states.

Hugh hefner
kept a very tight rein

On what he wanted
the playboy image to be.

There was something
about playboy

Where they wanted
to keep the good girl image.

She's a good girl.

She just happens to lose
her clothes for that moment.

Kari ann: When I made
the choice to do "playboy,"

I didn't realize all the choices

That I was making that came
with that choice.

I didn't realize at the time
that a big part of my innocence

Was actually being given away
and taken at that time, too.

Hugh hefner felt that,
"I plucked you out of obscurity.

We put you in the magazine."

You were
the playmate of the month.

You were maybe
the playmate of the year.

You got this notoriety.

I think
from his standpoint,

He felt he was responsible
for making these girls,

And I think he felt very much,

Under those circumstances, they
should kind of do what he says.

I don't like rules.

This is my body.

I'm proud of my body,
and I'm gonna do what I want.

I think ultimately,
this story is about rebellion.

My story of my entire life
is about rebellion.

I think, as a woman,
you don't have to fit

Within the dichotomy or category
that the society imposes on you.

You could be
whatever you want to be.

I grew up in the former ussr,
which is, of course,

Now ukraine and russia,

And I grew up in a family
of anti-communists.

So, I've always dreamt
of coming to united states.

I was a real bookworm.
I never fit in.

I wasn't popular.
I read all the time.

Languages was my passion.
I spoke english, french, german,

But english was my favorite

Because I've always dreamt
of coming to the u.S.

So, when I was 15 years old,

I met a group
of american professors.

They invited me to come
to united states to study.

And so, at 16, I became

The first
ukrainian exchange student

As part of this program
of perestroika, glasnost,

When gorbachev came to power.

I only had
a one-year student visa.

I was supposed to go back,
and I didn't want to go back.

I loved it here. I loved
everything from grocery stores--

I've never seen grocery stores
in my life--

To popcorn, to waterbeds.

Like, it was--everything was
amazing about the u.S.

And so I knew my visa was
non-extendable at that time,

And they put me in touch with
this lawyer in philadelphia,

Who was of ukrainian descent,
to try to extend my visa.

And he had called me,
and he said,

"look, I can't extend
your student visa,

But I can marry you."

I said,
"great. Let's get married."

So I'm 18 years old,
and I'm moving to philadelphia.

I'm married to a lawyer,

And he convinces me
I should go to law school.

So, at 18 years old,
I am at villanova law school.

I'm a first-year law student.

Around the same time,

What I found is that my husband
was obsessed with "playboy."

He had the biggest collection.

I remember opening the pages,

And I just remember thinking
that women--they're not real.

They're just so perfect
in every way.

I'm not good enough.

How could he love me when he's
looking at these perfect women?

And my husband--he said,

"well, you know, you're just
as beautiful as these women.

I don't know
what your problem is."

I said, "no, I'm not."
he said, "you are."

And so my first husband
took some photos of me,

And they were lingerie,
some nudes.

And I was like,
whoa, I do look kind of good.

So, that was, like, the first
time when I realized that,

And he sent them into "playboy."

So, with me, I think,

Because I had
such an unusual story,

Playboy was very excited.

And they said, "you're the first
russian soviet.

We love the package.
We love the story.

We'd love to--for you
to sign the contract today."

And I remember
I signed the contract,

And I called my husband,
and he was so mad.

He said, "well, I am the lawyer,
and you--

You didn't consult with me?
You just went ahead

And signed this contract
to become a centerfold?"

I said, "well,
you know, I just did.

Yeah. I mean,
why do I have to ask you?

Remember,
I'm in law school now."

So, if you look at my entire
layout, it is an archetype.

It's a sort of a prototype
of what americans think

A russian girl next door
would be--

The kind of jacket
she would wear,

The kind of hair she would have.

And then at that time,
donald trump,

Ivana trump
were very much in the news.

So they said, "oh,
she has kind of the same look.

She has that eastern european
look as ivana trump."

And ivana's trump's
big hair was very popular.

Everything about that layout
is very prototypical.

It's sort of like,
"look, we finally found

The soviet russian
girl next door."

So, I ended up being
miss October 1994.

And I became a citizen
the same year

That I became
a "playboy" playmate.

So, it was a great year for me.

I finally was
an all-american girl.

I was a u.S. Citizen.
I was in "playboy."

All my dreams were coming true.

So, once you become
a centerfold,

You start working
for playboy promotions.

Playboy was wonderful.
It was a catalyst for my career,

And the jobs were wonderful.
You get paid, like, $1,000

Just to show up
and sign your autograph.

Even though all the jobs we got
booked for were legitimate jobs,

A lot of them bordered on,
I would say, pimping.

And I know it's
a terrible way to put it,

But playboy
would serve as intermediaries.

They were facilitators.

They would introduce models
to men in power

In hope that the models would
just succumb to their advances.

We weren't directly forced
to sleep with these guys,

But there was always
a suggestion,

And it wouldn't hurt,
you know, your career.

It would be nice
if you went out to dinner

Or were extra nice
to these specific individuals.

And it's interesting because
that's how I met donald trump.

So, this is
my playmate lingerie calendar,

And basically the non-nude
version of my centerfold.

Here, I'm sporting
the ivana trump updo.

It was very popular
at that time.

It was the playboy promotions
that called me and said,

Donald trump thinks
he can use you

For his tropicana casino
campaign.

Would you be interested
in meeting him?

And I said, "of course."

And we ended up meeting.
It was three meetings,

And, um, I was getting
a little impatient.

So, I said,
what about the campaign?

That was, like,
$150,000 campaign.

And he looks at me in the eyes,
and he goes, "you know what?

Even if there was a campaign,
we wouldn't use you.

We use
real runway models for that.

And I'm going,

"well, then why are we going
out to these dinners?

Why are we here today?"

There was never
any tropicana casino campaign.

There was never campaign at all.

Playboy played
into these celebrities,

And I think they figured,

Well, it's a good idea to get
these girls interacting,

Maybe sleeping
with these celebrities.

It's just good for the brand.

Yes, of course.

During these meetings
with donald trump,

Of course,
he tried to seduce me.

It's never, like,
direct pressure.

He's never directly said,

"look, I think you should
[bleep] me," you know?

He's waiting for you to sort of
succumb to his charm.

Like, the entire time,
he's telling me,

"you know, women just adore me.

I have madonna calling me.

I have models chasing me."

And so his idea of seduction

Is just for you to be
so impressed with this man

That you just throw yourself
at him.

I didn't sleep with him
just for...

You know, to--to make clear.

We had
a certain utilitarian purpose

To look good
and to please the men

That were important
for playboy organization.

So, our bodies
did not belong to us.

Around 1996, I was still working
for playboy promotions,

And I was in graduate school,
finishing my doctorate,

And I figured I needed
to make some more money.

I was bringing my whole family
from ukraine over here,

And I was supporting them.

So, this was the wild west
of the internet,

And I decided I'm gonna create
my own website.

Wow. This is my old website.

I thought
planet victoria was cute.

There was this whole concept
all of a sudden

That some playmates could

Post our own pictures
on the internet,

And we could charge our fans
to view them.

And that was,
of course, a novel concept.

The only way our fans
could locate us is by meta tags.

"playboy playmate"
was one of those meta tags,

And that's what I had
right on the front page.

It said, you know,

"victoria zdrock,
playboy playmate.

Welcome to planet victoria."

So, I started posting
more risqué images,

Maybe a little more
open leg stuff.

They were openly sexual,
and I liked it. It felt good,

And it wasn't so much
about what the image

Was supposed to be projected,
but what we wanted.

I felt I could be myself more,

Something that playboy
did not like

Because they wanted
the good girl image.

I was charging $25 a month,
and I could not believe

How many people
were signing up for this.

So at some point, the playmates
who had successful websites,

We started receiving messages,
phone calls,

And eventually letters
from the playboy enterprises

Asking us to cease and desist
using "playboy" meta tags,

Metadata in our websites.

And that's how the terri welles
lawsuit eventually started.

I had the pleasure
of representing terri welles

When she was sued
by playboy enterprises in 1998.

Terri was
the playmate of the month,

I believe, in December of 1980.

And then in June of 1981,

She was named by hugh hefner

And "playboy"
as the playmate of the year.

1997, she launches her website.

She's not aware
of any objection to it.

She drew the ire of this
huge corporation at the time.

They came down on her hard.

The case was about whether
it was permissible

For terri welles
on her website

To refer to herself
as a playboy playmate

Or a playmate of the year
in the text of her website.

And playboy was simply
taking the position

That terri's website was
not "girl next door" playboy.

Therefore, she was
damaging the playboy name.

The trial judge
and the trial court

Granted terri welles' motion,

Dismissing playboy's trademark
infringement claims against her.

The outcome of this case is
very significant to many people,

But in particular
those playmates

Who also wanted to
further their careers,

Express themselves online,

Rather than having playboy
make those decisions for them.

So, I was continuing
to use the metadata.

I was continuing to post
what I wanted to post.

And at some point, somebody from
playboy enterprises called me

And said,
"victoria, what is your choice?"

"are you gonna abide
by our standards

Of what we wanna see
in your website,

Or are we gonna let you go?"

And I jokingly said,

"well, I can always pose
for 'penthouse.'"

After that conversation,

I received a letter
from hugh hefner himself.

"dear victoria,

I'm really sorry to learn
of your venture into porn.

I've always felt you were
one of the best and brightest

Of playboy's playmates,

And I hate to see you
take the step

That will obviously
hurt your reputation and ours.

Sincerely, hef."

So, when I got
this letter in the mail,

I knew this was probably the end
of my relationship with playboy.

So, basically, if you stepped
outside the playboy boundary,

You were sort of an outcast.

You were called
a rogue playmate,

And they were playmates who
stepped out of the boundaries.

Terri welles was one of them.

Shauna sand was another one.

I started working
when I was really young.

I had my first newspaper layout
when I was, like, 3 weeks old

With, like, one little curl
on my head.

And it just, like,
took off from there.

I moved to mexico
when I was 15, 16,

And I started working.

I was doing modeling,
magazine covers.

I did music videos.

At that time. I met the owner
of playboy mexico.

And it was my dream, you know,
because I had seen

My first "playboy"
when I was maybe 12.

And I was like, oh, my god,
this is absolutely gorgeous.

It was just incredible,

The impact that
that one cover had on me.

And I'm like,
I'm gonna be a playmate.

But my mother--
she was very strict with me,

And she said, "absolutely not.
You will be cut off."

And I said, "okay,
I'm--I'm not gonna do it."

So, I went back to la jolla
to stay with my mom,

And I wasn't able to do it.

I'd always been with agencies
for acting and modeling.

And when I was 23, my agent
at the time called me and said,

"we have a part for you on
this tv show called 'renegade.'"

Announcer:
An outlaw hunting outlaws,

A bounty hunter, a renegade.

And I was like, "okay,"
and that's when I met lorenzo.

He was very handsome.

He was gorgeous,
and he was really nice to me.

He was very sweet.
He was a gentleman.

He was 37, and I was 23.

It was like love at first sight,
and we moved in together,

But I still was obsessed
with this idea of playboy.

I said to him,

"what are your thoughts
about me being in 'playboy'?"

And he said his friend
was the editor,

Marilyn grabowski
of playboy america.

He said,
"I can call her for you,"

And I-I literally got
the chills.

So, he called her.

He said, "my girlfriend
would like to be in 'playboy.'"

And she said, "okay,

I need you to take
some pictures of her."

Then I got the pictures.

I sent them
to marilyn grobowski,

And she called me right away,
and she said,

"you are approved
to be in 'playboy.'"

I-I-I couldn't believe it.

It was just the most amazing
feeling. It was...

It was finally real.

The theme of my centerfold
was my wedding to lorenzo,

So it was a wedding gown theme,

And everything was bridal,
and everything was white.

And they wanted it to come out
at the same time as my wedding.

I was literally in a dream.

1995--I'm gonna tattoo it
on my body.

That year was
the best year of my life.

All of my dreams
were being fulfilled,

And everything that I had
manifested was like a reality.

It was crazy.
It happened so fast.

So, the magazine came out.
We were married.

Then we started to create
our beautiful family.

I continued to work for playboy

Throughout my marriage
and having kids.

I did different magazines.

They had a magazine called
"playboy's book of lingerie."

I did personal appearances.

Like, we would go to vegas,
and the playmates would go

And do personal appearances,
for example.

So, I continued to work
for playboy on a regular basis.

After my third daughter
was born,

Hef would call me and say,
"do you wanna go out?"

And I mean, I had
been pregnant for six years.

It was crazy. I just kept
having baby after baby,

And I-I really didn't go out,
stayed home.

But I had the urge
to, like, go out again.

Like, I need to get out
of the house, you know?

And who else better
to go out with than hef?

So, I just started
going out a lot.

And then
this particular evening,

Hef gave me the quaalude.

I mixed it with too much.

I had, like,
too many margaritas,

And I remember
getting out of the limo.

I was walking to the door
of the playboy mansion,

And I literally fell down,

And my knees were,
like, bleeding.

And I went and I stayed at
my girlfriend priscilla's house.

She was a playmate.

I didn't go home.

I didn't call lorenzo
because I fell asleep.

I didn't even wake up
until the next day.

I didn't do anything wrong.

I never did anything wrong,
you know?

But I-I didn't call him.

He was furious.

I had no idea
that I was crossing a line,

But I had never crossed a line.

I had been like
this perfect stepford wife.

Everything was the way
he wanted it,

And I didn't know
that I had no room for error.

Like, come on.
I'm, like, 100% perfect.

Don't I get 1%
of a little error?

But I guess I didn't.

And so then he left.

Man, in general--
they're control freaks,

And I had a curfew

With my husband, but yet
I had no curfew growing up.

How crazy is that, right?
I have the chills.

The divorce was
really traumatizing for me.

Seven and a half years
of this love affair,

And then all of a sudden,
it's over in one second.

I was in shock.

I think
for seven and a half years,

We only spent maybe
three nights apart

Out of the entire relationship.

Now here I find myself alone.

I was focused on surviving.

Even after my separation,

I continued to work for playboy
through playmate promotions.

But I think
it was, like, 2003, 2004,

Uh, larry flynt contacted me.

He said that he wanted
to take a meeting with me

At his office on la cienega.

I was like, wow. "hustler."

I heard that's kind of,
you know,

Pretty raunchy and stuff,
and I'm not really into that,

But I was like,
I wanna hear what he has to say.

I scheduled the meeting
with larry flynt,

And I get there.
I go into his office.

I walk into this, like,
enormous office.

Everything is, like, gold.
I feel like I'm at

The château de versailles
or something like this.

And he has a giant desk,
and he's sitting at his desk,

And I sit in front
at this little chair.

I'm, like, so little, you know?

And so he tells me he wants me
to be the hustler girl

And do all the videos.

I thought, okay.

And then he tells me
to take off all my clothes.

It's just him and I.
No one's there.

So, I stand up.

I take off all my clothes,

And he says, "come here."

So I walk up to him,
turn around,

And I have a playboy tattoo
on my stomach.

And he said, "you know,
you're gonna have to remove

Your playboy tattoo."

He offered me a decent amount
of money,

And career-wise,
and as far as money,

It would have been advantageous
for me to accept that.

So we have a very nice
conversation, and I leave.

And then afterwards,
I call hef.

And I said, "larry flynt wants
me to pose for the magazine

And work for him and do
his videos and all of this."

And hef said, "absolutely not."

"if you want
to work for larry flynt,

You can have
nothing to do with playboy.

You won't be allowed
to work for playboy anymore."

I can't do
what I want with my body

As far as working
for any other company.

Playboy controlled
who I posed for

And my nude modeling,

And basically,
I couldn't work anywhere else.

Hef said, "if you want
to work for larry flynt,

You can have
nothing to do with playboy."

And that crushed me because

That had been
my extended family.

I had been
to the playboy mansion

Nonstop since 1995.

My kids went
to the playboy mansion

Every year
for the easter egg hunt.

That was basically my family.

I already lost one family.

I'm not gonna
lose my other family.

So, I called larry flynt
and I said,

"thank you so much
for your offer.

I'm very honored, but I won't be
able to move forward with this."

Come on. Come on. Good girl.

Look, we're gonna do
your polish.

Good girl.
Look at your pretty polish.

She'll lay here like this
for an hour

And just let me paint
all of her nails.

Good girl, buddha.

Even after my--my separation,
I still went out with hef.

We would go out
with all the girlfriends.

We would go to a club,
and I would stay at the mansion.

It was fun, though.

When you've been locked up
in your house for seven years,

You wanna go out.

So, this particular evening,

Hef invited me up
to his bedroom

After we had gone to a club,

And I witnessed
what was going on...

...With seven girlfriends
and, like, vibrators everywhere,

And it was definitely a--
something I hadn't seen before.

I'd come to the bedroom,
and there's seven girls

And, like, porn on and weed,
and I'm like, oh, my god,

Uh, I need to go. I'm gonna go.

I didn't wanna have
anything to do with that.

I chose not to be a part of it.

I was never one
of hef's girlfriends.

He wanted me to be,
and I could have been,

But I was not interested
in that.

I'm, like,
a very family-oriented person,

Where I want to be
with one person.

I wanna be married.

I loved him as a person,

Um, but I was not
about to sleep with him.

But everything was okay.

He didn't put
any pressure on me.

He was about
my personal choice.

If I wanted to participate
in any kind of activities,

Then that was up to me.

If I didn't want to participate,
I just said no,

And everything
still stayed the same.

I still worked for playboy.
I was still his friend.

I still went out to dinner
with him. Nothing changed.

So, in 2009, I ventured out
into the french market,

And I started doing
reality shows in France,

And I filmed
the french "big brother."

While I was there,
I realized a sex tape

With my boyfriend at the time
was missing.

It was stolen from me,

And vivid got ahold
of this tape.

In my mind, I was like,
pamela anderson has a sex tape.

I didn't think
it was that big of a deal.

Sex tapes were common back then.

It was gonna come out anyway.

So, I worked with vivid,
and we did a deal,

And then I was actually
a creative part of the tape.

They wanted me to translate it
because it was in french.

So, I did that,
and vivid released the tape.

I called
into playmate promotions.

I always worked for them,
and I said,

"what jobs do I have coming up?"

And they said, "hef called us,
and we were going to call you.

Because of your tape, you can
no longer work for playboy."

And I was heartbroken.

I was in shock.

I turned down larry flynt
for hef. I was faithful.

I did my part, and then
you're, like, throwing me away.

That devastated me
because I had been

Working for them since 1995.
That was my family.

I don't really think they took
into consideration my feelings.

It's like you build up
a personal relationship

With someone
after all these years,

And you just don't expect them
to do something so hurtful.

And they can't
control everything.

We should be able to do whatever
we want with our bodies,

And I don't want any man
nor any business

Telling me
what I can and can't do.

You had young women

Who are now being presented
this glitzy opportunity

To appear in the magazine
and to associate with playboy

And to go to the mansion

And sometimes to live
at the mansion

And to be invited by playboy
to promotional events.

I have no doubt that that looked
all very, very attractive.

I think a lot of them
really felt

That this wasn't
the peak of their career.

This is a springboard
to a much bigger career

That they could have
in hollywood

And the movies, et cetera.

Well, actually, it turned out
to be an impediment.

Growing up in high school,

My mom wrote words
on my walls, right?

So, above my bedroom door,
I had,

"you can be anything
you wanna be."

Successful, model,
um, best friend.

And then behind my bed,
it said, "I will be famous.

I will be a star.
I'm going to hollywood."

So, I always knew I wanted
to go to hollywood.

I was born in san diego,
and I moved around quite a bit.

I went to 17 schools altogether.

My sophomore year
of high school,

We moved to portland, oregon,

And I modeled overseas
in high school.

I was picking up a check
from my modeling agency,

And the receptionist--
she was like,

"are you going to the pageant
next weekend? Miss teen oregon."

I'm like,
"what's miss teen oregon?"

I knew what a pageant was,

But I didn't know what
a pageant was.

Like, I don't think I ever
watched a pageant, to be honest.

Like, I-I knew what, like,
a beauty queen was, I think.

So, I told my mom I wanted
to compete for miss teen oregon,

And she's like, "kari,
these girls have been doing this

Their whole life, like, since
they were, like, little kids."

I was like, "mom, I got this.
I got a homecoming dress.

I have a swimsuit. We just need
to go buy an interview outfit."

And so, I competed in two weeks,
and I made the top 10.

I didn't win that year,

But then I came back
the following year, and I won.

In 2002,
I competed at miss teen usa,

Which is part of
the miss universe organization.

I didn't win that one,

But then I competed
the following year

At miss united states teen,
representing oregon,

And I won that pageant in 2003.

Announcer:
Kari peniche from oregon

Is miss united states teen.

So, after I got my crown,

I moved to l.A.
To pursue acting.

So, I called an agency.

I asked for the head
of the commercial department

And got the assistant,
and I hung up,

And I went in the next day
and said

I had a meeting with that agent.

And the assistant came out,
and I was like,

"hi. Are you laura?"
and she said, "yeah."

And I was like, "it's so nice

To finally put a face
to your voice."

And then the agent came out,
and I met with the agent.

He had me come back
the following day

To meet
with the theatrical department.

They sent me on an audition.
And then laura, that assistant--

She's the one that gave me
the "playboy" offer.

So, when I got the call
from the agency that

"playboy" had made an offer
for me to pose in the magazine,

My answer was no,
'cause it was nudity.

I didn't want it to affect
my reign or the pageant.

You know, I wanted to do
a good job for the pageant,

And I didn't
want to disappoint them.

I-I really liked my directors.

But then I knew
that the contract

For being
miss united states teen

Didn't have a nudity clause.

It had
a morals and values clause.

So, I saw that
as it being an opportunity

For me to make that decision
and that choice.

After thinking about it
and seeing the carmen electras

And the pamela anderson,
anna nicole smith

Come from "playboy,"
I decided to make the choice

For myself
as an adult woman, now 20,

To pose for the magazine.

So, I talked to my family
about it,

And everyone was supportive.

My mom just said,
"no crotch shots."

I said, "okay. I won't do any."

So the "playboy" shoot,
I was so nervous.

You know, I was young.
I'd never posed nude before.

And there's all these,
like, young, cute guys

That hold these reflectors,
and, like,

They have you positioned
in the funniest ways, right?

And you're like, I know you're
not photographing right there,

But I'm totally naked,
and there's somebody, like,

Shining a shiny thing...

[laughs] right behind me,
and he's really cute.

My shoot was, like--

I think it was, like,
four or five days long.

It was a pageant theme,
so I was, like, in this

Pepto-bismol pink gown
and pink balloons,

So, it was very cute.

And there was one crotch shot,
but not too much. [laughs]

So, one of the things
I negotiated with playboy

Was that I would be doing
the November issue of "playboy,"

Which was--would be
coming out five days

After my reign
of miss united states teen.

But they published in
the October issue that I would

Be coming out
in the following month's issue.

I didn't know
that there was going to be

Any tease or press release
of any kind that I would--

I was gonna be
in the November issue at all.

I found out from my directors
when I got a phone call,

And they said the father
of some delegate

That was gonna be competing
in the pageant

Had seen miss united states teen
was going to be in "playboy."

The pageant director
said that my first runner-up

Would be going to crown the girl
in five days

And that I wouldn't be
crowning the--

The new miss united states teen.

So, the pageant
stripped me of my title

Because I made the choice
to pose for the magazine.

They wanted back my crown
and my banner

And all of my used prizes.

I kept everything 'cause
I didn't break any rules.

I might have not
told them what I was doing,

But it was my choice.

You know, there was
a morals and values clause.

So, those were my morals
and my values,

And I chose to do the magazine,

And there wasn't a nudity clause
in the contract

For being
miss united states teen.

I didn't break any rules
in my contract.

When I first got to l.A.,
like, I'd go to my auditions,

And I'd be like, "here I am.
Aren't you so happy to see me?"

[laughs]

And then after I did "playboy,"

I noticed
people started to be like,

"oh, you're the miss teen girl
who lost her crown"

Or, "you're the beauty queen
gone wrong,

The beauty queen gone bad,
the beauty queen

That got stripped of her title
for stripping in 'playboy,."

I started to get more insecure
and nervous.

I started to feel shy
when I was auditioning

Or, like, I didn't know how
to answer questions sometimes.

I just didn't think about
those things before I did it.

I was just
so excited to do "playboy."

I didn't realize at the time
that a big part of my innocence

Was actually being given away
and taken at that time, too.

So after posing for "playboy,"

I do the whole press tour,
and I did a lot of appearances.

So for, like,
two and a half, three years,

That's all I did,
was club appearances,

Getting paid
quite a bit of money

To just show up and party.

I was 21, 22, 23,
showing up at the clubs

And just taking pictures
and drinking.

It became such a big part
of my identity in a weird way.

Three years had passed,
four years had passed

Since I had
really done anything.

Yeah. Yeah.

No, I was just partying a lot,
and I just got caught up.

You know, I got caught up
in the l.A.,

The hollywood lifestyle
for a little while.

You know?

Then I ended up in rehab.
What are you talking about?

[laughs]

I knew I needed some kind
of life intervention to, like,

Get my [bleep] together,
get my life together, you know?

So I did
"sex rehab with dr. Drew."

I did "celebrity rehab
with dr. Drew," season three.

And then I did
"sober house," season two.

I learned so much in rehab.

All the therapy that I did
and to look at things

That I'd never looked at before
was really beneficial for me.

I think I chose playboy
initially because I thought

It was about liberation
of women.

But what I realized
is that it wasn't.

It was still
very much using women

To maintain their idea
of what beauty, sexuality was.

Shauna:
How can we all be so perfect?

We can't do what
we want with our bodies

Without
having such consequences.

Kari ann: When I made
the choice to do "playboy,"

I didn't think about
the fact that I was a role model

For teenage girls,

But I was making a choice
for myself

As an adult 20-year-old woman
at that point.

And the father of
some delegate was flipping

Through the magazine,
and he called the directors,

And it was okay for him
to look at the magazine,

But it wasn't okay
for me to pose in it.

Shauna: I've always felt
that there's just

A lot of hypocrisy going on
with women's bodies.

I think it was around 2011
or a little bit thereafter,

Playboy sold most of
their catalogs to porn sites.

Absolutely.

I don't think there
could have been anything else

That could have pissed me off
even more than that.

I mean, that's so hypocritical.

That's against
everything that he told me

That he was mad about me
for doing,

And then he goes and he does it.

The way playboy
controlled playmates

Is through shame and guilt,

And if you open your legs
a little more,

It's shameful,
that it's not dignified.

Playboy is
only within this boundary

That photography has
to be beautiful and lit.

It has to be airbrushed.

Anything that's raw
and airbrushed is undignified.

You're gonna judge me
and tell me I can't do this

Or judge me
because I did something.

But yet,
what do you really do when

You close the door
to your house?

You know,
how do you really behave?

What are you really doing?

It was a double standard.

There's just no question
about it.

What company
in the united states

Other than playboy had their ceo
or chairman of the board

Wearing his pajamas
and smoking jacket every day

And saying, "I've had sex
with over a thousand women"?

How many girlfriends
have you had? Hundreds?

Well, certainly over a thousand,
I'm sure.

And the women--they were
vulnerable, they were young.

He knew exactly what
he was doing.

But it was also born of
their proprietary notions that,

"we made you. We plucked you
out of obscurity.

Now you need to follow
the rules,

And you need to do
what we want you to do."

Eventually,
when I departed from playboy,

It was very liberating
because I realized,

Now I can be in control.

I can choose what I want to be,
how I wanna portray myself,

And that was extremely
liberating and empowering.

Onlyfans--it's a uk-based
subscription service

Known for x-rated content,

And while it's been
a hub for sex workers,

It also hosts everyone
from fitness bloggers

To musicians to a growing list
of celebrities.

I'm on onlyfans.

It's a lot of fun.
It's basically taking pictures,

And you can actually talk
to the people.

Like, you can do a live video

Where they see you
and can interact with you

And ask questions.

And it's funny, because
it's actually like playboy,

But I'm my own boss.

It's liberating,
and it's normalized.

Like, it became so normal.

And what I like
about adult industry is--

Is this ultimate choice.

A woman decides what to do
with her body.

That, to me,
is why adult industry

Can be so empowering
if you use it the right way.

No, I do not regret
posing for "playboy."

Forever,
there'll be that picture,

And that picture will be young,
and in the minds of men

Who look at that picture,
I will always be that.

And therefore there's a bit of
a symbolic immortality to that.

I don't believe in regrets
because I think

That you can only learn
from your mistakes.

Even after all of the conflict
that came along with it,

The dream coming true of being
a playmate, it was just magical.

And it also gave me
such an amazing amount of pride,

And I was so proud of my body,

And I carried myself
in such a different way.

I was proud of the pictures.

I don't blame "playboy"
for anything,

And it totally changed my life.

Even though it did cost me
my crown, I would do it again.

Yeah.

I think it's really unfortunate

That so many women
are bound by choices

That others,
particularly men, make for them.

I believe women should
own their bodies

If they want
to use it for procreation,

For profit, for pleasure.

Our bodies belong to us.

It's time that women choose
what they wanna be,

And just because you make
one choice doesn't mean

That you can't be
something else.

You don't have to worry
what others think,

What society is
gonna impose upon you.

You know, you live one life,

And that life should be
about your narrative,

And that narrative, you should
choose to write your own way.

There is a lot of backlash

When you are a female athlete
who posed for "playboy."

I didn't think anybody was gonna
make a big deal about it,

And for some reason,
people lost it.

There were incidents
that happened

That could have destroyed
my entire career.

They asked me to show my vagina.

I just gave in
and knew that I was

Probably gonna go to hell.

This was shocking.