All language subtitles for [SubtitleTools.com] Secrets of Playboy S02E04 - A verdade dói_track3_[eng]

[birds chirping]

When I look at these photos,

I realize I had
a really good childhood.

My mom started bringing me
to the Playboy Mansion

as an infant,
and it was just so magical.

My mom with Hef.

He looks like
he couldn't have more joy

and love and respect for her,

and she looks...happy,
but I see...

kind of like...

a sadness in her eyes
at the same time.

When you look at this picture,
and you see Hef's smiling face,

that's the face that lit up
when I...

when he saw me in the room
and came up to me

and made me feel
so seen and special.

That's the part where
I struggle with--

well, how can I hold
good memories with someone

who is capable of...that?

[motor revving]

My name is Hugh Hefner,

and I'm the publisher
of "Playboy" magazine.

REPORTER: Playboy is one

of the most famous brand names
in the world.

It was simply to include sex as

one natural part of a package
for a male audience.

WOMAN: When I made the choice
to do "Playboy,"

I didn't realize all
the choices that I was making

that came with that choice.

WOMAN #2: We don't judge the men
for buying the "Playboy"s,

but we judge the women
for posing for "Playboy."

JILL:
I was never Jill anymore.

I was Jill
that posed for "Playboy."

WOMAN #3: I just gave in
and knew that I was

probably gonna go to hell.

WOMAN #4
It got to a certain point

where it wasn't fun anymore.

SONDRA:
This process was very painful,

but I should be able to tell
my story as I lived it.

HEFNER: That's Sondra Theodore,
a really special lady.

Oh. Hef tells me you're
gonna be in the July issue.

What, uh, what decided you
to become a Playmate?

Well, I was very undecided
about it at first,

and then
I talked to people at "Playboy."

I thought, what the heck?
It might be fun.

"Playboy"--
Once you've done "Playboy,"

it follows you
throughout your life

because
there's a phenomenon about

being a Playmate,
and you could be 110,

and a man will still
get all flustered

and treat you differently.

You'll always be that
young pinup girl in their mind.

And so, yeah, it follows you
your whole life,

and it's really hard
to hide from.

[sighs heavily]

I'm Sondra Theodore,

and I was, uh,
Hugh Hefner's girlfriend

between 1976 and 1981.

And I was Miss July 1977
in the magazine.

When season one of this show
reached out to me,

I didn't know if I could
tell the world my story

because I had not been able
to tell anybody my story.

But I knew that I had
to tell the truth

because it was
still living inside of me.

I've never known anybody
who had to have that much sex.

He had to get more and more.

It got uglier and uglier

with, you know, bringing the men
into the bedroom,

and I didn't wanna be
with another man.

It didn't matter
how it made me feel,

and sometimes it was...painful.

Men that force themselves
on you, it doesn't feel good.

It--It hurts,
and I would tell him that.

"Please don't, no. Please."
I-I-I would use those words.

"He hurts me." Didn't matter.

I really did not anticipate
saying as much as I did.

But as I, uh, started talking,

I found myself saying things

that I never thought
I'd say to anybody.

The group sex, it was
at least five nights a week.

I wasn't gay, but he
would whisper in my ear,

"You know, go talk to her.

Go talk to her
and see if she wants to party."

Finally, one day, I just,

"Oh, jeez!
Okay, I'll try it once."

Yeah, yeah, one of the first.

[voice breaking]
I've never used that word, that.

Because I would never do that.
That sounds...naughty.

That sounds...nasty.

I was told it was a party.
It was...

getting together
to have some fun.

This process was very painful.
It tore me apart from my family.

KATIE: One of the things
that bothered me

about season one of this show

is they only focused
on one side.

They didn't, you know, bring up

anything that was good
about Hef.

It was all the bad.

They didn't show
the happy times,

the times
that I grew up hearing about.

There was a part of them that
did really wonderful things

for my mother
and for her family.

When I was young,

"Playboy" was not naked woman
orgies at the Mansion.

It was family time.
It was magic.

It was a safe space.

My mom started bringing me
to the Playboy Mansion

as an infant.

SONDRA: 10 years
after I broke up with Hef,

I had managed to get married,
and I was a mom.

I ended up going back
to the Mansion

because
all my friends were there,

and they were all
taking their kids up there,

and Katie was probably the most
singled out Mansion baby.

They called them Mansion babies

because we all had babies
about the same time,

but Katie got
the royal treatment.

KATIE: It was just so fun.

I just remember me
and my brother, like,

running around, like,
a little wonderland for us.

So, when people are like,

"You grew up, like, going
to the Playboy Mansion?"

I'm like, yeah, but it wasn't
like I was, like, growing up,

and then, oh, I'm playing,

and there's, like,
a naked woman.

That wasn't my Playboy Mansion.

Hef was very family-oriented.

It was completely tame
and innocent.

Yeah, I've known--I mean, he's
been a part of my whole world.

He was my, like, Uncle Hef.

Hugh Hefner was not
a predator to me. He was family.

I never experienced
anything predatory

on his property or with him.

I don't really know
if it was all a lie.

I feel--
I felt like he was genuine,

But maybe that's something
I'm still processing

and I'm still unraveling
and coming to terms with.

I had not told my children
the details.

I tried to talk to Katie
about my trauma sooner,

before she had
to see it on television.

Not only was it incredibly hard
for me to verbalize it,

she didn't want to hear it.

Well, who wants to hear about
their parents having sex...

[chuckles] let alone trauma?

It was too much for her to hear.

She said, "I don't
want to know about it, Mom.

It's not my story. It's yours."

No, it's our story
because you are my story.

It's our story.

KATIE: The Playboy Mansion
was a part of my whole life.

I was still on Team Hef,

like, the illusion of
you raised me around this man

that was so wonderful to us,

and you told me all these great
stories of your times together.

Yeah, this is still--I guess
I'm having a hard time with this

'cause I don't want to say,

"Oh, well, he wasn't
a monster to me, so..."

but...'cause he wasn't,
but then how can someone...

I don't know. It's like,
it's very complicated.

With Katie believing
they're still good in Hef,

because there was.

There was a side to him
that he was good at times.

He filled my heart
with so much love.

And I don't believe
that he could have done that

if he had been truly all evil,

and I just think
that he slipped slowly

into this powerful man that
could get away with anything.

And it got the best of him.

[sighs]

I feel like
it's another lifetime.

It was.

I feel sad
that it didn't turn out

the way it should have.

We've gone through a lot.

What happened to me
at the Mansion

and my relationship with Hef

followed me
to all my future relationships,

but things
got much worse for Katie

when her father and I divorced.

The divorce was very hard
on Katie and her brother.

She had so much anger.

Once I got divorced,

I'd been alone for
many years before I remarried

because I had been beaten down.

I had been left
for a younger girl,

a Playmate, no less.

It was humiliating for me.

So, when I met
my second husband,

thought it would be safer
because he wouldn't cheat on me,

because he wasn't
in the business.

He wasn't, um,
a celebrity of any kind,

that he was normal
so that he would appreciate me

for who I was, but then it--
it went all sour.

I mean, it just
didn't work out that way.

KATIE: She remarried when
I was, like, in sixth grade,

and she settled for this man
that was just, like,

rigid and born again Christian.

Oh, God, yeah.

Like, we've had the most
in-insane journey. [laughs]

Yeah, it's been really hard.

Been so mad at her.

And I realize now the dynamic
she had with Hef

really set the tone
for her future choices in life

and her sense of worth.

You know, my mom was always
surrounded by so many women,

and then when she got remarried,

everything really changed
for her then,

and he isolated her.

And ever since then, everything
really got bad. [sighs]

When Katie was entering
junior high,

my second husband and I,

we moved out of town
with the kids.

I thought I was doing
something good for them,

that they would have a better
life outside of Los Angeles

'cause I knew a lot
of my friends' kids

were getting into trouble.

But Katie had
a hard time at school,

and I didn't find out
right away

about Katie being bullied
and how bad it was.

I was...12, going on 13,

and I think my brother
had maybe told, like, one guy,

like, "Oh, yeah, my mom was
a 'Playboy' Playmate."

So, when people found out that
my mom had dated Hugh Hefner

and was a "Playboy" model,
I was told,

"Oh, your mom's
a glorified prostitute.

You're a slut."

I was, like, so innocent.

I was, like, gonna be a virgin
till I got married,

and, like, I was like my mom.

I was, like,
the sweet, innocent little girl.

And so 'cause
my mom posed for "Playboy,"

I'm a slut,
and my mom's a prostitute?

It was just very...

like, confusing for me.

It's like, how does that
make me a slut?

They weren't used to their mom
being called these names.

They never heard that before
from--from my circle of friends.

And if I had known
this was going on, I...

I would have done something.

I found out later
they battered her so much

that she became that bad girl.

Her and her friends were
drinking in junior high. Really?

I had my first drink
at the Mansion.

I just was so straight,

so it was even harder
for me to accept

that my beautiful daughter
was not studying.

She was out drinking.

I just watched her fall away
from her studies,

fall away from her sports
that she loved,

and she started acting out.

Nothing I could do or say
could stop it.

KATIE:
We never did anything together.

The only thing I did with her

is, like,
being forced to go to church.

So, it's like all I did was
get yelled at and get in trouble

and to be told that
I'm doing something wrong.

[voice breaking] Um...
I think it's just really sad.

Life is--can be really sad.

[sniffles] Not mad. I'm just...
just sad about it.

I turned to drugs and alcohol.

Things got so bad
that I had no control over her,

and when she got physical
with me,

I called her dad, and I said,

"She's got to come be with you
for a while."

I was kicked out of the house

and ended up moving back
to Los Angeles

and having a very strained
relationship with my mother.

Yeah, I went to outpatient.

It's, like, just to go
for, like, part of the day.

No. [scoffs]

You know, I would be, like,
a 17-year-old girl

getting hit on
by guys in their 30s.

SONDRA:
When she started acting up,

I felt like she blamed me
for a lot of things,

[voice breaking] And I was
very young when I had them,

and I tried my best.

I was just desperately
trying to be normal.

And I tried to make up for it
by being a supermom,

and I didn't realize how much
I had buried the hurt.

It's hard to put into words.
Um...

Thanks.

My mom gave this necklace to me
when I was 19 years old,

and it's because
when she was 19,

Hef gave her this necklace.

It says "Baby Blue."

SONDRA: "Baby Blue" came about
the first night we met.

He brought me in the house,
and we danced.

And it was Barry White's
"Baby Blue panties."

KATIE:
He nicknamed her "Baby Blue,"

and even with everything
I know now,

this necklace
still means a lot to me.

It just reminds me
how strong my mom is.

Katie loves that necklace.

She holds onto it like
you'd hold onto a dream.

And I wore
that baby blue necklace

during my "Playboy"
centerfold shoot.

My first "Playboy" shoot
was a surprise to me.

I wasn't planning
on becoming a Playmate.

That was not my goal.

When I was called
into the studio,

it was to do a cover,

and the cover shot was
going to be the back of my legs

from the butt down
so there would be no nudity.

I had said,
I will not do any nudity.

And when I got there,

that's when they were
putting makeup on my face.

And I was so green,
I-I didn't question that.

You know, why would
they put makeup on my face

if they're going to do
back of my legs?

[camera shutter clicks]

It took about two hours,
but one strap off,

one strap off,
and I finally was naked.

[camera shutter clicks]

But they showed me
the Polaroids, and it was like,

oh, that's me? Because of
the lighting and the makeup,

and I looked--
and I looked so pretty.

And--And that helped me
keep going,

and the rest is history.
[laughs]

[camera shutter clicking]

[bird cawing in distance]

In 2011,
I was caring for my mother

because she had Alzheimer's.

Things that were important

started
really showing themselves.

She came to me,
and she told me of her rape.

She was raped at 16.

That was a trigger
I didn't even think about

because things that had
happened to me were suddenly--

I could see
that they had been wrong...

that I had been
put through things

that a girl should never
have been put through.

And I was seeing it clearly,

but I wasn't ready
to tell anyone.

-Oh, my God.
-[laughs]

It has been a journey.

Around this time, Miki Garcia
contacted me through Facebook.

All right.

Okay, come over here.
You know, we can look at these.

All right.
So, this is your area, isn't it?

Miss January 1973. Miki Garcia.

MIKI: [chuckles] Yeah.

I was Miss January 1973.

I was one of
the first Hispanic Playmates.

I was proud of that,

and then I became Director
of Playmate Promotions.

I myself believed
the "Playboy" promise--

all these opportunities
for women.

I was touting the brand.

Look,
I have my mommies in there.

-Okay, let's see.
-That's the--

-Look how--
-That's my bridal shower.

-Look how proud she is of you.
-She is so proud.

-Look at that.
-Yeah, she was so young.

-She is so proud of you.
-Is that the Mansion?

That's, yeah, the bridal shower.

Miki's caring for her mother,

and so we became close
because of this.

-Look at that face.
-She's so happy.

And I never got to meet her.

I know.

And then she told me
about the porn sites.

So, when I searched my name
on Google,

I saw our pictures
had been put on porn sites,

and that's when my perspective

at my time with "Playboy"
changed.

We were promised
that our pictures would be art,

always revered as art.

HEFNER: The notion in terms
of "Playboy" from the beginning

was not to be the most explicit
magazine around.

It was simply to include sex
as one natural part

of a package
for a male audience.

SONDRA:
We were the girls next door.

It was acceptable
on coffee tables back then.

And when I went and found

my beautiful pictures
on these sites, it was...

To know that your picture,
your image, your name's

being used as a carnival barker
to get into these porn sites...

...this is so violating.

I was...yeah, I was angry,
and I was--I was sick by it.

It's--It's an awful feeling.

No woman deserves to be
on porn sites

unless she wants to be.
No person does.

And to know that it's there,

it's done, it's on the Internet,
it'll never be gone.

The thought of, God,
my grandkids are gonna grow up

and think
that Grandma was a porn star?

Uh, that's not the legacy
I wanted to give my kids.

I had a neighbor say to me,
"Hey, you're that porn lady."

Wh-- D-- What?

We had no say on it.
We did not get paid.

We did not even get told.
This was kept hush,

and a lot of the girls believed
that it was out of his hands

that it happened,
and he couldn't control it.

At the time,
I was like, well, wasn't it

just the company
who sold it, not him?

So, I thought
she could have been

a little bit more, like,
forgiving,

and that it was maybe not
his sole decision to make.

SONDRA: All I know is
he took the girls

that made him who he was.

He did not protect us.
He sold us out

and...left us in the gutter.

And at this point, I just

couldn't accept
any more of that universe.

KATIE:
But even though my mom

didn't continue
her relationship with Hef,

when I moved back to L.A.,
I started hanging out

at the Mansion again
without my mother.

Especially when I turned,
like, 17, was really when

I started, you know,
going there quite often.

I would go on a very, like,
family, like, regular--

where all the regulars go
on Sunday nights,

where he had the buffet dinner
and a movie night.

And I would go to the parties.

[electronic dance music playing]

Partying in the Mansion was...
It was...

the place to be.

I would go with, like,
a girlfriend and, you know,

dress in little cutesy,
little outfits, and it was fun.

And nothing like an open bar.
[laughs]

[indistinct conversations]

And she'd call me from there

and say, you know,
"God, everybody loves you, Mom.

They're, you know, they said
that you were the best.

You were so nice,"
and she was proud of that.

But I could tell she'd been
drinking, and she was underage.

She'll kill me
if I tell you this. Um...

I found out later
that she'd been out with Hef

and a couple of his girlfriends
at a very young age,

and that, to me,
was just not appropriate.

I was not taking drugs
at the Playboy Mansion.

I didn't do drugs
at the Playboy Mansion.

Like, a pot cookie. Like,
nothing--There were no drugs.

That was definitely not...
where I did drugs.

[scoffs] Just to be clear.

I think it was normal
for young girls

to be up there underage.

You know, my experiences
at the parties

were all very positive,

and I know there's
probably women who had,

you know, negative experiences
at the parties.

But for me,
just made me feel, like, safe.

You know, that's her perspective
on how she likes to say that.

That actually kind of annoyed me
when I watched that episode

with her saying,
"You can't have her."

It was like that was always,
like, a joke to me.

And then I saw him
indoctrinating my daughter.

Wait, what?

Well, he--
he never touched her,

or I would have killed him.

But the same thing
when she would walk in,

he singled her out,
made her feel special.

And I'd say to him, "You can't
have her. Don't you touch her."

I never felt ever
in my entire time up there

that he would ever do
anything inappropriate with me.

But he would see me
across the room

and come on gallivanting over,

and he just showered me
with the most loving adoration

and just made me feel
so special.

Every time I was there,
though, he always saw me

and, like, lit up, and it was
just the cutest thing.

She was too young to know.

She was too naive to know
that side of him.

He was so good at making you
feel like the only person

in the world when he wanted to,
and that's what he did with her.

She was wrapped up
into his fantasies

as I was, as everybody is.

And he singled her out...

so that she felt like me.

KATIE: The Playboy Mansion
was a family place for me.

I mean, there are, like,
people that I considered, like,

you know, aunts and uncles
were there, you know?

Um, yeah, I was a wild child.

I was definitely having fun,
but not really. [laughs]

Kind of like what my mom
was going through.

It was like, I can look back,
and it was--

you know, you think
you're having fun,

but it's really,
you're--you're lost,

and you're just trying to escape
through substances and parties.

The last time
I went to the Mansion,

I actually felt
a very ominous energy.

Used to be a place where I'd go,
and I felt free and alive,

and it didn't feel like that.

I don't know if it had to do
with the fact

that Hef was being assisted,

like, to, you know,
he couldn't walk on his own.

Seeing him in that state
was very alarming.

SONDRA: Katie asked me, "Aren't
you going to go say goodbye?

He's dying."

And I said, "No. There's nothing
I could say to him.

I don't want to see him."

She didn't understand that,

and...I don't think I could
have stood in front of him

for all the money in the world
because I felt the evil.

I felt...almost afraid to--
to confront him.

It was shocking
and upsetting and sad,

and it was the last time
I ever went there.

And it was maybe, like,
a year or nine months

before he passed away,
and I just--

I couldn't go back.
The magic was gone. It was over.

The man who's been called
an American icon,

"Playboy" announcing tonight
that founder Hugh Hefner,

the man who introduced
the world to "Playboy" magazine,

has died at home
at the age of 91.

KATIE: I went to his memorial.
I was so mad at my mom.

I thought, oh, at least
she'll show up to the memorial.

She'll be there for him
for this.

And, of course,
she didn't show up. Of course.

And it was like, again,
still me being very confused

by why she had to only think
about the bad times now.

Why couldn't she remember
the good times?

I guess it's 'cause
I didn't realize how bad

the bad times were for her.

[bird caws in distance]

When COVID hit, I decided to
temporarily move in with my mom.

Being in your 30s, like,

living with your mom,
is a whole thing.

But we also had nice moments
and would, like, cook dinner.

We rescued, like,
a lot of kittens,

and we're, like, bottle-feeding
kittens together,

and that was
a beautiful experience.

And, you know,
Janet would, like, pop by

and, like, have dinner
with us sometimes,

and they always had, like,
a good laugh.

I'm Janet. I'm a friend
of both Sondra and Katie,

and I'm Sondra's neighbor.

SONDRA:
Janet I had met up here.

She's really the only person
I hung out with up here.

A mutual friend
introduced me to Sondra,

and we became fast friends.

SONDRA: And then when
Katie came to the mountain,

I introduced her to Janet,

and they had
their own bond happen.

[bird caws in distance]

When I agreed to do
season one of this show,

the day of filming,
they asked her to leave,

and Katie was
very incensed by this.

She was--She was livid.

[Katie scoffs]

I was very upset with my mom.

I'm like, "Why--What's--Why do
you have to do this publicly?

Why can't you
just have your truth,

and why do you have to
blast it all over the world?

You know, He's dead.
Like, let's just move on.

Like, leave the past
in the past."

Katie at that point, only knew
that things had not been

the fairy tale
that they appeared to be.

But I had not been able
to tell my children my story.

But as I, uh, started talking,

I found myself unleashing
my--my pain.

And I did a lot of talking
to those ghosts,

and I like, okay,
you didn't get away with it.

I was on
an emotional roller coaster

the whole process.

When it was over,
it made me feel so good,

because no one else
was gonna do this.

I mean, obviously,
nobody wants to do it.

They're still not doing it.

But it needed to be done.

I felt like I could die today,
and I did something important.

[birds chirping]

SONDRA: Living
in these mountains is like...

it's heaven, it's--it's peace.
It's...

knowing I'm okay, knowing that
I can walk out of the house,

and nobody's gonna judge me,
and I'm okay as I am.

And that is amazing,

because I always had
to live up to something,

and to not have that is freedom.

It's an inner peace that is
just--it's like a calm river.

I haven't watched TV
in 15 years,

so where was
I gonna watch this show?

[click]

Well, Janet had a TV.

[door creaks]

And so every Monday,
I cooked dinner,

and I took it over to her house
and turn it on,

and there it was coming.
I was a wreck.

And so each one
was a revelation.

I was just like, whoa, whoa.

And we wouldn't look
at each other.

We just--straight ahead.

JANET: Sondra was very still.

She just kept her eyes
on the TV.

It was very emotional for her.

SONDRA: And then the first time
my voice cracks

from starting to cry,
I heard this...

[voice breaks] "Oh, Sondra."

[laughs] And she's crying,
but I can't look at her.

I can't look at her 'cause
I have to hold myself together.

It was very emotional
for me, too,

to see what she had
really gone through.

I felt so bad for her.
I felt so bad

that she lived this nightmare.

KATIE: When I got to my mom's
episode, immediately I'm crying.

Felt really bad for her because
she's such a good girl...

[voice breaking] and that got,
like, taken away from her.

It's really sad.

It really helped me
instantly just

stand by her and to be able
to let go of my own, like,

ego need to think Hef
was a good man.

[exhales deeply]

I might have called her
right after or the next day

and just let her know
that I was proud of her and--

and I stand by her.

When Katie first came to terms

with the trauma
that I experienced

and acknowledged it to me,
I felt such relief,

and yet I knew that she still
had all her great memories

of going up there
as a child and as a teenager,

and she didn't want
to let go of that.

And there's a little part of me
that remembers those good times.

Those were my friends,
and I'll always love them.

They were my youth,

but I had to let that go
to face my reality.

JANET: She had
a lot of negative response

after the documentary was aired.

People asking her,
why did she stay so long?

Why she put up with everything?

It was very difficult for her.

A lot of online haters
coming at her.

SONDRA: I was so surprised
at how intense

these responses were from
my old friends, acquaintances.

It was aimed at me and targeted
to hurt and to defame.

KATIE: It was definitely really
upsetting for my mom when people

that she had known
were discounting her stories

and people that were once
her friends shaming my mom.

Basically saying
my mom's a liar,

and all this stuff, like,
posting pictures of my mom,

like, "Lookit,
she's having a great time.

See? So she must be a liar."

That was
really upsetting to see.

SONDRA:
But Katie was amazing.

She had never stood up for me,
as far as I'd known,

but she did it on social media
where there--

there was a thread going
that was just ridiculous.

It was so targeted at me,
and she reported them.

She reported them
and got it wiped off.

And that act alone was like,
"How'd you do that?

Oh, my God, thank you so much."
[laughs]

But for so long,
I didn't have anybody

standing up for me that way,
so I had to fight my own battle.

It was always I was fighting
my own life story,

and I should be able
to tell my story

as I lived it,

not fabricated by somebody
else's idea of what it was.

And I wanted to tell it
like it really happened.

JANET: There was
a lot of negative feedback,

a lot of hate mail,
but the positive feedback

from so many women,
it was beautiful.

I mean, just all these women

were so glad to hear Sondra
tell her story

so that they could
finally discuss their story

with other people,

so that they could heal
from their past abuse.

SONDRA: It's been
an incredible gift to know

that by working
through my trauma,

not only am I helping
myself heal, I'm helping others,

And they're telling their story
for the first time.

They're demanding
that people listen to them

and that their abusers
are accountable.

And if I help them in any way,

then this has been
all so worth it.

KATIE: I feel like for me,
with Hef, there--

there's two Hefs or something.

There's the Hef I knew
and the Hef

that I guess the truth
has evolved him into.

There are things of his legacy
that I feel like,

oh, wow, the Playboy Mansion.

Like, that was a cool, freaking
vision he manifested, you know?

But at the same time,
I feel like

we don't need a Hugh Hefner 2.0.

This isn't the way we wanna have
men operating in society.

I guess I wish I could
have known what I knew now

so I could have been kinder
to myself and my mom.

I'm proud of my mom.
She's awesome.

I mean, her art is such
a visual representation

of what a beautiful soul she is

and proud of her for standing up
to her--what's true for her.

I knew that
if we did this together,

it would be a milestone for us,

that it would be one of
the most important experiences

of our lifetime together.

I see her pain. She saw my pain.
[sniffles]

It's okay to be sad.
It's okay to feel pain,

but you need to put it
somewhere.

You need people
to understand you and...

and still love you for it

because I didn't feel that
for a long time.

I felt only anger.

And now Katie and I,
we are healing. Yes, we are.

CREW #1:
Okay. We're gonna roll.

CREW #2: Marker.

-So very surreal.
-SONDRA: I know, isn't it? Yeah.

I know. I mean,
I'm just so thrilled

that she trusted me to--
to do this.

Yeah. It just helped me
understand her better because,

like, I just saw her
as that, like,

19-year-old girl looking for
love in all the wrong places.

-[laughs]
-And I just felt, like, wanted

to hug her and be like,
"You're okay," and, like,

you know, she was
such a beautiful spirit,

and it just made me
love her more

because I was like,
what a, you know, brave soul

to be able to share such
intimate details of her life.

I can't tell you
what it means to me

to know that she understands me.

She understands me, and, um,
and I can tell her anything now,

and--and she won't judge me.

She loves me,
and she loves me more.

I mean, we've come so far
in the, what, two years?

Two years ago, she was angry at
me still, and now look at her.

She's this beautiful, poised,
articulate, compassionate woman

that I always knew she could be.
[cries]

[laughs] I love you so much.

KATIE: [muffled] Love you.

[bird cawing in distance]

[playing notes on piano]

I have not one regret for being
involved with this show because

to have my daughter back
is a beautiful thing.

And I can't regret anything.
I can't, because, like,

it all--all that built me
into me, who I am now.

But I still...

can't believe I didn't
protect that young girl.

I should have protected myself.
[sniffles]

But I didn't have the tools
and...

it could have happened
to anybody.

He was that good.

Yeah. This is gonna work well.

SONDRA: And I have to
forgive myself eventually.

I mean, that's the last
of the healing, isn't it?

[sniffles] 'Cause if I just
can't forgive myself,

who can, right?

I don't know if I'll ever
stop questioning

who I could have been

if I hadn't walked
through those gates,

but I'm damned sure
going to make sure I become

somebody I'm proud of anyway.
[sniffles]

But it took a lot to get here.

I will live the rest of my life

continuing to heal
and understand myself.

If I can just let this be
a lesson and then help others,

then I will be content
just as I am.

When it came to Playmates,

"Playboy"
was extremely controlling.

When I chose to do the magazine,
I didn't realize at the time

that a big part of my innocence

was actually taken at that time,
too.

Hef invited me up
to his bedroom,

and there are seven girlfriends
and vibrators everywhere.

I'm like, oh, my God.

They figured, "we made you
this Playmate, and we own it."

INTERVIEWER:
And so what happened?

I ended up in rehab.
What are you talking about?

[laughs]