All language subtitles for madeas.big.happy.family.2011.dvdrip.xvid-amiable.cd2

No, nothing.

Don't you get all worked up
about this, Shirley.

- Don't you do it. Don't you do it.
- Oh, Lord, my children.

That's all right, honey. You done raised
them children the best you can.

Let me tell you something,
parents shouldn't be putting themselves

on no guilt trip
after you done raised the child.

That's what they were supposed...
You're supposed to raise that child.

You get them to a place where they grown
and get the hell out

and take care of their own damn self.

That's what the children need to do.

You done did that.
That's your responsibility.

You did the best you could.

Don't get worked up about no damn child.

Hell, no. You did the best you could.

- Didn't you do the best you could?
- Yeah.

Then that's all that matters.

I know, I know. But I just feel, you know.

I feel like you need to let that go.

Well, anyway, we couldn't get him out.

They wouldn't tell us anything.

They wouldn't even tell us
what he was arrested for.

That what the po-po do.
They don't tell you nothing.

Calvin is going to go back down there
with one of his lawyer friends.

- Oh, oh. Did you call Byron's job?
- Yeah. I called them bastards.

- What did they say?
- They got rid of him.

- They're bastards. They're bastards.
- I hate that. I hate it.

Bam, you know, I need to tell him.

I'm so tired. I'm running out of time.

Why don't you just let me call them?

No, no. I don't want you to call.

I wanna tell them.

I want them to all be together
and I wanna tell them at the same time.

I wanna sit down at a nice dinner
and then I'm gonna tell them.

You've been saying that you want
to tell them at the same time,

you wanna have dinner...

Bam, I understand that.

You want all your children
so they can comfort each other, Bam,

when she tells them the bad news.

That's all right, honey. That's all right.

But, Shirley, let me help you
get these children over here.

- Oh, please.
- Can I help you?

They will be here at dinner at 6:00.
Have dinner ready.

- Today?
- Today. That's right.

How are you going to get them over here?

See, y'all Christians is something.

Y'all gonna pull out that Bible,

but y'all don't know which prescripture
to use for which situation.

You've got to find the right prescripture.

There's a prescripture that says,

"Let the redeemed of the Lord say so."

- Yeah.
- Have you been redeemed by the Lord?

- Yes.
- That's right.

So if you've been redeemed by the Lord

and somebody does something to you
that you don't like, even your kids,

you can beat the hell out of them
and just say, "So?"

So that's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna beat the hell out of them
and say, "So?"

And I'm gonna bring them over here
'cause you've been redeemed. I am.

You know what?

- It makes sense, don't it? God is good.
- It makes sense.

Hallelujer. Hallelujer.

- Halleluiah.
- Hallelujer!

- Thanks, man.
- That's what family's for.

- You okay?
- Yeah, man.

I just got to get to
work, though, that's all.

- Come on, I'll drop you off.
- Byron! Byron!

Just keep walking.

- So how was your night in jail, Byron?
- Just keep walking.

I've been waiting for them to bail you out.
Hey, Calvin.

Hey, Sabrina.

You better get to work.
You gonna lose that little job.

You know what? You damn right.

'Cause that mean
you won't be getting nothing no more.

I bet I will.

- Byron, come on.
- No, no. No, hold on.

Sabrina, come on.
What are you messing with me for, huh?

I'm trying.

Then what, you're gonna throw me in jail
over some back child support?

Where that little trick Renee at?

Come on, you gotta get to work.

Work? He ain't really working.

He's gonna lose that little job anyway.

Then he's gonna be back on the streets,
selling dope,

and I better have my money then.

- Come on...
- Let's go.

Bye. Byron...

I can't take it no more, man.

Look, I got to deal with Renee on one ear,
I got to deal with Sabrina on the other.

Byron, listen, don't let these girls
get you crossed up.

You got to think about your son.

You're doing good, man. You hear me?

- Just stay straight.
- I'm trying, man.

Throw your hands up.

Hey, Harold.

Hey, Ms. Madea. All right,
what's wrong with your car now?

Nothing.

- For real?
- Nothing's wrong with it at all,

except the other day I went out there
and put my foot on the gas

and the trunk opened.
What the hell is that, Harold?

You are trifling as hell.

I'm so tired of bringing my damn car
up in here for you to fix.

I am not bringing it to you no more.
Do you understand?

Not ever again.

Every time I go out there in the morning
I try to start my car,

do you know what happens?
Do you know what happens, Harold?

It don't start. I have to pray.

You know God don't like me.
You know he don't like me.

All the hell I did in my lifetime,
you know he don't like me at all, hell.

- All right. Let me handle this.
- No, sit down.

Do what you do best. Sit down.
Just stay right where...

Just plant your ass
right there in that chair.

Every time I come here,
you're sitting in that chair.

People waiting on their car,
you're sitting in that chair.

You're supposed to be changing oil,
you're sitting in that chair.

You're supposed to be changing
the windshield wiper blade,

you're sitting in that chair.

Supposed to wash a car,
you're sitting in that chair.

Let me tell you something,
when you die, tell them people

to bury you on your stomach
to give your ass a break.

Where is your wife?

In here, Madea.

- Oh, hey, Tammy. How you doing?
- Hi, Madea.

I don't know how you married
that bastard, Lord.

I ain't seen your kids
since they were five years old.

What you been feeding
that big pumpkin over there?

Look like he been eating hay.

And you look like
you've been eating at the zoo.

H. J...

Oh, it's like that. He's just going...

- I would... I'm just...
- What brings you by, Madea?

- Is your car acting up?
- My car is fine.

Oh, okay.

Your mother told me to come over
and be nice to all the children.

She said she's having a dinter
tonight at 6:00,

and she want all of y'all
to come over and eat.

We were just over there. What's going on?

Nothing. She wants to see all of y'all.

Me and Harold can't loan her
no more money, Madea.

I mean, we're struggling.

Child, I know you're struggling.
I'm looking at the top of your head.

I see struggle written all over
that new growth.

It is like a miracle just spelling it out
across the top of your head.

Your mama want all of y'all
to come over there.

Now, that's all I'm supposed to say.
Y'all be there, bring the kids...

- I ain't going.
- You ain't going?

Yes, you are.

I said, I ain't going, Tammy.

Okay. You're gonna let them
talk to you like that, Tammy?

Don't worry, Madea. He's just a kid.

Just kids end up being just adults
who are in just damn jail.

Don't let no child talk to you like that,
Tammy, that's...

Yeah, okay. I have a customer.
Don't go anywhere, okay? I'll be right back.

- Well, go on and deal with that then.
- Okay.

I'm gonna talk to the boys.

What are you looking at, old lady?

Come on... Hey...

Stop hitting me, old lady.

I don't wanna have this conversation
with you again.

Do you understand, son?

I see you learn fast.

Now look here.

You young folks are so damn disrespectful.
You're not gonna disrespect me.

I come from the school where you said,
"Yes, ma'am. No, ma'am."

"Yes, sir. No, sir."
You showed some respect,

or you got your teeth
knocked out of your mouth.

Do you understand me?
I can't stand young folks

sitting around at the bus stop,

got old people sitting there,
they're cussing, pants hanging off.

You're gonna show me some respect.

I got silver hair,
but I also have silver bullets.

Do you want one of them?

Now, when a lady walk here
you say, "Heller." Heller?

- Heller.
- Heller!

- Heller.
- Heller!

Heller.

You be disrespectful again,
I'm gonna beat your ass.

I'm gonna beat your ass till you ain't gonna
have nothing but legs running up your back.

Do you hear me?
You're just gonna have legs, no more ass.

'Cause I'm gonna beat it.
Do you hear me, boy?

- Thank yer. Thank yer.
- Thank yer.

Good afternoot.

- Good afternoot.
- You're welker.

- You're welker.
- Yes, you sound very proper now.

- I'm going home.
- Goodbye, ma'am.

That's wonderful.

Thought you was going to be slow,
like your daddy.

- Bye, Madea.
- See you later.

Bye-bye, Madea.

Bye, Harold. You maggot.

Why is you face red, H. J?

You constipated?

Where were you, Byron?

- Look, I can explain, all right?
- I'm listening.

Look, I got arrested.

- Listen, listen. It's not
what you think, okay? - Okay.

Just a little back child
support. That was it.

Look, it wasn't even my fault.

Take some responsibility, son.
It is your fault, all right?

Life ain't happening just to you.

Your choices, they have consequences.
I'm sorry.

Mr. Mills, look, I need this job. Please!

You didn't act like you needed this job.

You were supposed to be here at 6:00 a.m.

Look, I'm sorry.

Please! Please! Come on.
Don't do this to me now.

Who's the only person that gave me a shot
when I got out?

Your chances with me, they've run out.
I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to let you go.

You're fired.

So what am I supposed to do now? Huh?

Take up track.

As a matter of fact, practice now.
Run on up out of here.

Damn, man!

Look, I ain't say nothing about soccer.

Look, you better be glad I'm two classes
away from being baptized.

All y'all get back in
there. Don't get behind.

- Hey, boy.
- Hey, Madea.

Lord, I didn't know where the hell you work.
I done came way over here.

- How you doing?
- I had a long night, okay?

Look, I just got fired.
I just wanna go home.

Yeah, well, we all had a rough night here.

Your mama's having a rough night.

She want all of y'all at her house at 6:00.
She having a dinner over there.

- Mama don't wanna see me.
- Yeah, she do.

Now, be there. I'm telling you,
we're gonna have a nice dinner

and I wanna talk to all y'all,
she's gonna talk to you.

So be there at 6:00.

And if you ain't there,
let me tell you something.

You're gonna wish that the sperm

did a backstroke when it saw the egg
that created you.

Do you understand?

And pull your pants up.

Why the hell you got
your pants on the ground?

I don't know what the hell is wrong
with y'all young boys with these damn pants

hanging down to your knees.

That don't look good. You look like a fool.

That's probably why you got arrested.

You can't run from the police like that.

I want to meet the jackass
that started pulling his pants down

and then everybody started following him.

Why can't you lead
and let everybody follow you?

Pull your damn pants up.
Look like somebody.

It's called swag. Just...

I got your swag.

Somebody looking at your ass
when you walk down the street.

That ain't no damn swag.

Get the hell on out of here.
You better be there at 6:00.

And pull your pants up.

Now this house is sitting
on three acres of land.

So you have plenty of room
if you do plan on having little ones.

And when you come out here,
I mean, it's beautiful.

We have excellent school systems.

On the outside,
we have the cobblestone driveway...

And an infinity pool in the background
that leads into a waterfall.

Also a nice little grilling area in the back
if you ever wanna entertain your guests.

- It's a beautiful home.
- Man, it's so bougie.

We have the wooden...

- We have the marble pillars here.
- I know she didn't just act like

...she didn't see me. Kimberly!
- With all the bordering that you can...

I know you didn't just act like you didn't
see me when I looked through that window.

- Kimberly.
- Madea.

- Yes.
- Hello.

You got clients.

I'm showing a house. Could we speak later?

Ner. I came over here
because I need to talk to you.

Excuse me. This will only take a second.
Just give me a moment, please?

- Okay.
- Thanks.

Madea, this is highly inappropriate.
How did you know I was here?

Because your husband told me
where the hell you were.

I am going to kill him.

Why haven't you returned
my telephone calls?

Because I've been busy.

You ain't been that busy that you can't
return my tetephone calls.

Now, listen, your mama...

No, this is not the time for that, okay?

Girl, don't you interrupt me...

Who the hell...
Look here. I talked to your mama.

Could you lower your voice?

Okay. Excuse me.

Your mama has asked me
to come over to this house

to get all of y'all to come over there
to dinter, okay?

6:00. Have your ass at the table
to give thanks to God for what he's done.

Do you understand me?

Don't make me have to come back
over here to find you.

Because I will drag you out of here
by your two front teeth.

That's all you will get for Christmas.
Do you understand me?

Do you understand
what the hell I am saying to you?

Do you understand the words
that are coming out of my mouth?

- Yes, ma'am. I understand.
- Let me tell you something.

If you are not there, every house...
No, don't look at them.

Don't look at them.

Let me tell you something,
every house you get ready to sell,

I will be in the front window like this.

Do you hear what the hell I am telling you?

Fine. I'll be there.

- I will see you there.
- Okay, all right. Goodbye.

So good to see all of you.

And I hope you enjoy and buy the house.
It's a lovely home.

Upstairs it looks like
it has three bedrooms,

two bathrooms
and everything else that people like.

Okay. Don't touch me.
Don't put your hands on me.

You better go handle your client.
Get the hell away from me.

Don't put your damn hands on me.

Got me coming over here
to this damn neighborhood.

You know I don't have
a driver's license, the first.

How the hell do I get out of
this bougie neighborhood?

- Hello, Ms. Cora.
- Dr. Evans.

- How is he?
- He's okay.

But he's lost a lot of blood.

Really? Is he gonna be okay?

Oh, yes, yes.
But, would you mind giving some blood?

It's always best from a relative.

Sure, sure. I will.

What's your blood type?

I'm really not sure of that.

- Well, come on. We'll find out.
- All right.

Jiggling, jiggling, jiggling, and you know,
all these stretch marks.

What, they look like lightning.

Oh, look at that chicken.

You didn't tell me you was making chicken.
I love your chicken.

Let's bow our heads.

Oh, God.

- Heavenly...
- Byron!

- What is that?
- That's the baby mama from hell.

What are you doing here?

Look, take this baby.
I got somewheres to go.

Look, and I got things to do, too.

Like what, Byron?
Come on. I need to get to the TV station.

What are you talking about? TV...
What are you doing?

Look, you need nots to worry about
what I'm doing, all right.

Hi, Ms. Shirley and everybody.
What's up? Hey, Calvin.

Hey!

Where that little trick at?

Now, look here. This is a very private
family moment right now, okay?

You got to come back some other time.
Take your child on out of here.

- Don't I know you?
- Don't I know you?

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

You that lady that tried to come up
to my store and drive through my window.

No, I didn't come up, I didn't try, I did,
'cause you ghetto as hell.

Hold up, hold up, hold up.
Who is she talking to?

Byron, she got the wrong one.

We're having a very private
family moment right here now.

You need to take that little baby
and y'all come on back some other time.

- Now, go on now. Go on.
- Okay, okay.

- Just give me my son, please. All right.
- Yeah.

- Would you get out of here, please?
- Glad to.

But all I know is you better have my money.

Man, she punk, and you look like...

- Grown folks business. Shut the hell up.
- Will you please get out of here?

Glad to.

You know what I know,
if you knew better, you'd do better.

You better have my money. Bye, y'all.

Have a nice day.

- Okay.
- You better lock the door

...before she steals
everything in the kitchen. - Oh, Jesus.

How the hell did you hook up with...

See, young boy, that's what happens
when you hook up with...

Oh, look who finally decided to show up.

I can tell you this,
I thought I was gonna have to go out there

and hunt you down like a rabid dog.

- Well, I made it.
- Yes, you did.

She's so burgie.

Did you tell Madea where I was?

She was trying to find you.

You're enjoying this, aren't you?

That's all right.
We'll deal with this when we get home.

- No. No, no...
- All right, let's pray.

Let's deal with this right now.

- I have an announcement to make.
- Calvin!

- No!
- Keep your voice...

Family, I am sick of Kimberly's bull.

Do you think this is funny, Calvin?

- Trouble in paradise.
- Tammy.

What?

You need to get some help,
and if you don't, I'm leaving.

And I'm taking my son with me.

You are not taking
my child anywhere, Calvin.

You think I'm gonna let you
put all this venom in my child?

You are not taking him...

Don't these look good, Shirley?
They sure look good. Y'all wanna eat some?

Yes, it does, yes, it
does. I just wanna eat it.

I can't do this.

I can't do this. I'm sorry, I can't sit here

like we're one big happy family
when you know we can't stand each other.

- Kimberly...
- No, Mama.

If you want us to sit here, you eat it.

Kimberly, don't talk to
your mother like that.

Calvin, you better shut the hell up.

I'll talk to my mom
how I wanna talk to my mother.

I'm not gonna tell you again
to show me some damn respect.

- What is wrong with you?
- You're what's wrong with me.

Everybody sitting here, like, playing nice.

This is wrong. This is ridiculous.

Kimberly, I just wanted to have a nice
family dinner, everybody together.

- Why?
- That's all.

Girl, you better act
like you got some sense.

Shut up, Tammy. Nobody's talking to you.

But I'm talking to you.

You are always in my business.
It is so obvious you're jealous.

Jealous of what?

- Kim, stop...
- Shut up, Calvin.

- Tammy, you...
- Shut up, Harold.

What I got to be jealous of?

Tammy, stop it.

No, no. No, no, Shirley,
you need to let this happen.

You need to let this happen and figure out

what the hell is going on
with these children.

Let it happen. Let it
get all out in the open.

Go on and say what you need to say.
Say what you need to say, Tam.

- I wanna hear this.
- Of me.

That's right. I said it. Me.

My family, my husband...

Oh, girl, please.
I don't want anything you got.

But you get rid of what you don't want,
don't you?

Like us.

- Whatever.
- We're your family.

All Mama wanted us to do
was sit down and have dinner,

but you just can't do that.

Why, Kimberly?

Are we too ghetto for you?

You don't eat greens and cornbread
no more?

- Tammy...
- No, Mama.

I need to say this.

I'm not jealous of you.

I'm not the one who got pregnant at 13

and had Mama to raise my child.

- Tammy!
- Say something now.

Kimberly, what is she talking about?

You are too ghetto for me.

And you make me sick.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Now, Calvin.

I need to talk to... Kimberly!

I'm sorry, Mama.

This had to happen, Shirley.
Don't worry about it.

- It had to happen, Shirley. Let's pray.
- Please.

- Come on, honey.
- Kimberly had a baby...

Call on Jesus

Aunt Bam, you used to watch the baby?

Baby, you...
Yeah, I'm still watching the baby.

- You need a joint, baby. Really.
- No, I'm all right.

Mom! Mom!

Tell the pastor I say...

Come on in the room

Mom, you used to watch that baby?

Yes.

Jesus in my doctor

And he

Writes out all of my scripture

I mean, we're here.

Where he at?

I mean, we're all here as a family, right?
You know...

You should look in the mirror.

So what are y'all trying to say?

Kimberly is my mother?

Yes.

Talk about don't tell lies.

Keeping secrets.

But you kept one from me.

All right.

I'm out.

- Byron!
- I don't wanna hear it, Aunt Bam.

- Wait a minute.
- Byron!

Excuse me, everybody. Madea, carry on.

Byron, let me talk to you, Son.

Not right now. I don't wanna hear it, Mama.

That wasn't the way to do that.

Shut up, Harold.

Stop talking to this man like that.

You're gonna stop
talking to this man like that.

That's why these children don't have
no respect for the either one of y'all.

Y'all sit there talking to each other
like y'all ain't got no sense.

Get up and go upstairs.
Let me talk to your mommy and daddy.

- Go on.
- Yes, ma'am.

Very good.

Now what was I saying?

Harold, the only reason this woman is talking
to you like that is 'cause you let her.

Don't no woman want no weak, whiny,
wimp running behind her like a wet dog.

Put your foot down.
Stand up and be a man in your house.

That's why your damn children
run around here

act like they ain't go no sense,

talking back,
'cause you won't put your foot down.

The children are watching
the two of y'all disrespect each other,

so they're disrespecting you, too.

Set an example.

You used to love this man.
You used to love him to death.

Look at me when I'm talking to you.
He ain't playing football.

Y'all were gonna be together forever.
Remember that?

Running up in here talking about
you getting married

and how much you love him.

Now you done hit that patch in life
you don't know what to do.

Honey, everybody go through that patch.

It's rough. I call it
the traffic jam of life.

It happens between the age of 40 and 50.
That is a rough decade for anybody.

Do you hear me?

Now, I'll tell you why. 'Cause during
that 10 years a few things happen.

One, you go through menopause.

Secondly,
your husband having a midlife crisis.

If you got children, they start acting
like they ain't got no sense at all.

At the same time your parents
are getting sick and dying,

his parents are sick and dying.

You try to take care of them,
take care of your household,

that's enough to stress any marriage
apart, honey.

That's enough to stress it out
and make y'all break up.

That's why you're so angry, honey.

You've got to take some time and deal...

But he just makes me so mad, Madea.

Get on up.
Go in the kitchen and have a conversation.

That wasn't the way to tell that boy
that that's his mama.

That wasn't the way to tell him that at all.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Tammy.

Be a man. Be a man.

She's right.

You got to stop being mean to me, Tammy.

Harold, you got to stop acting like we don't
have any problems, because we do.

And if we don't clear this up, we are...

You got to stop telling me what I got to do.

You're going to stop being mean to me.

You got it?

You got it, Tammy, huh?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

That's right you're sorry. And...

Sit down. Sit down.

Now, sit your ass down. You heard me.

You heard us...
I mean, you heard me. Sit down.

S-I-T.

Yeah. That's right.
It's gonna be a new day around here.

H.J., Will, get in here...

I'm glad I'm here. I got all this straight.

Madea, I'm so glad you're here.

You got all this straight.

- Yes, indeed.
- This is wonderful.

Where are you going?

I love you.

But the way you treat me and C.J.
and your family, I can't take it anymore.

I can't believe you've been hiding
all these secrets from me.

You think I need you? I don't need you.

I was fine before you,
and I'll be fine after.

- Go ahead.
- You need help.

I feel sorry for you.

Go to hell.

You're not taking my son.

- You're not taking him.
- You watch me.

Calvin...

Get back here, Calvin. Don't leave me.

What do you care? You already
got one you left at the doorstep.

Don't take my baby, Calvin.

That's my baby. Don't take him from me.

Don't. Please.

So Kimberly is your mother. Are you okay?

Look, baby, I'm fine.

That is crazy.

Look, I don't wanna talk about that.

- You wanna go to my sister's house? - No.
No. I don't wanna be around all of them.

Well, then where are we going, Byron?

Listen, babe, I'm gonna go holla at Roscoe,
a'ight? I'll make this last little drop.

I gotta do what I gotta do.

I'm so proud of you.

- Hey, yo, my man. Just let
me get a 40. And... - Hey, how you doing?

On the next Maury,
deadbeat dads.

You out there selling drugs,
selling on the corner,

working the block, pumping the strip,

and you can't even give me no money
for your baby?

But it's all right,
'cause we gonna be all right, Byron...

I know I sound like a siren...

But you won't take care of this baby...

- Oh, hell no!
- And there ain't gonna be no maybe...

Byron...

Damn! Come on. Come on.

We're talking about your son
and whether his father is in his life.

That Byron baby mama
on The Maury Povich Show,

talkin' about that boy. Lord have mercy.

I don't even understand why that girl
would go on that television show

and do that to that boy.

Poor Byron. Lord have mercy.
I got to talk to him.

I need to give him my number.
"1-800-Choke-That-Ho."

Does he ever say, "It's not my child"?

- Just ghetto at its best.
- I don't even like this show. Turn it...

Turn it...

Turn it up. Turn it up.

- Yeah, she's nuts.
- Would you call him a deadbeat dad?

- She's crazy. And he crazy to be with her.
- I think I would.

- Cora.
- I'm coming.

Hey, Brown, how's your ass?

- It fine.
- Funky.

What y'all doing sitting here...
What's the matter?

Y'all look mad. What the doctor say?
Some bad news, Brown?

- He's fine.
- Ask her, Cora.

- You ask.
- Ask her.

Madea, who's my daddy?

I knew that was coming.
I knew that was coming.

What are you talking about?

All of the money I gave you
for child support on this child

and you don't even know who her daddy is?

Oh, bastard. You gave me $18 in 18 years.

Shut the hell up. There wasn't no montey.

What y'all talking about?
What you talking about?

Madea, we had blood work
done at the hospital today,

and Dr. Evans said there's no way possible
Mr. Brown could be my daddy.

So I ask you, who is her daddy?

Ya'll need to go on
Maury, too. Call Maury.

The doctor say that?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Who's my daddy, Madea?

If Charlie Brown ain't your dad,
then I don't know who it is.

Madea, how could you not know
who my daddy is?

I hate to tell you this, honey,
but your mama was a ho.

I was a ho.

I put the "H" and the "O" in ho.

- Who's my daddy, Madea?
- Okay, all right. I'm gonna tell you.

Joe, shut up. Don't you say nothing.

Who is it? He can tell me.
Who is it, Uncle Joe?

Now this was before Hilary and after Monica.

- What?
- What?

Bill Clinton is my daddy?

Bill Clinton was not your daddy.

Okay. No, no.
It was before he started that show

with Sybil and J. Anthony on the radio.

I believe that might have been him.

Tom Joyner is your daddy.

Cora, I knew it. I knew it.

- Oh, oh, oh. Ho! Ho! Ho!
- Uncle Joe.

Tom Joyner ain't you dad, hon.

Look, y'all stop asking me
all these questions, honey.

That's your daddy right there.
I'm telling you.

They made a mistake at the hospillar.
That is your daddy.

I'm gonna find out.

Dana'll tell you anything you wanna know.
Call Dana.

- Dana? Who is Dana?
- Yeah, who is Dana?

They both dumb as hell.
You don't know what Dana is?

They've been using Dana
to find people out for years

who the daddy or who the mama, Dana.

And when you kill somebody, the crime,

they use Dana to get
all the evidence on you.

Dumbass. You need to watch
some television sometime.

Learn something.
Jackass don't know what Dana is. Hell.

D-N-A. D-N-A. That's Dana.
Lord, you're so dumb.

- Nobody called no Dana.
- No Dana.

You know what here? That's your daddy.

I don't even want to be bothered
with this no more.

I done told you the truth. You don't like
what the hell I got to say, that's the truth.

I'm sorry.
I know you don't want him to be your daddy,

I didn't want him to be your daddy either.

That was the worst 36 seconds of my life.
Right there sitting next to you.

- I'm out of here.
- You told me a minute.

Girl, he messing with you.

Maury.

The DNA does not lie.

If you want to find out who the father
of your child is call this number.

- Mama!
- Yes, baby. I'm your mama.

Mama, why are you in here?

I've been sick a long time.

Mama, why didn't you tell us?

I tried to tell all y'all.

Tammy, quit all that crying.

Now, where Kimberly?

We've all been trying to call her.
She won't pick up her phone.

Mama, what's wrong?

I wanted to tell all of y'all together.

I guess that's too late.

I got cancer...

I let it go a long, long while.

I prayed the whole way over here.

I told God if you just
feel a little bit better,

I'll do right.

I don't care who my mother is, all right?

I don't.

Because you're my mother.

I'm gonna do right. But
you gotta get better.

You gotta get better.

You're gonna have to get right on your own.

- I'm dying, baby.
- No.

- I'm so tired.
- No.

Y'all got to get right with Jesus
so I can see you again.

Mama, let's just do
what you taught us to do.

We'll pray that God heals you.

I prayed he'd heal me,

but whether it's on this side or in heaven,
it's all right.

Don't talk like that.

Tammy,

now you look at me. I ain't scared.

You don't feel bad for me.

You feel bad for somebody
that don't know Jesus. Okay?

I'm just going home.

I'm just going home.

Jesus.

Where's Kimberly?

She's not returning my calls.

Tell her I waited on her.

Tell her I love her.

I love all of you.

You got...

You got to be strong.

And all y'all got to come together.

You gonna come together.

- Mama.
- Mama. Mama.

Shirley.

I'll see you tomorrow morning, John.
Thank you.

No, I had to visit my
mother at the hospital.

I'm sure she's okay. Thank you so much.
I'll call you back. All right.

Where were you?

I had things to do. This
is my family, Calvin.

This is not your business.

I called you for hours.

Yeah, I know. I got your message.

What makes you think I would
return you or Tammy's calls?

- Where is my mother?
- She's in 208. Listen...

She died, Kimberly.

What?

She... She died.

Mama?

Mama. Mama!

No!

No, no, no. Mama, I'm sorry.
Mama, I'm sorry!

I've got to say, if we could
see Sister Shirley up in heaven,

this is what Shirley would say.

Come on, Sister Laura.

Glory to God! Thank you, Father.

We sang it at the funeral.

I don't want to hear, "This is your mommy."

I could've had grandkids.

I don't wanna hear that.
I don't wanna hear that.

At all. Please.
But I just wanna thank ya'll for coming.

- It was a nice service.
- Yes.

- Was it?
- Yes. Yeah.

You should've came, Madea. That nice
dress, you should've came to the funeral.

You know I ain't going to no funeral.
All that noise, that loud singing,

slow walking, working on my nerve, child.

I can't be bothered with that.
People dead, they dead.

I ain't fittin' to be bothered with all
that. All right now. Good to see y'all.

Are you okay?

My mother just died. What do you think?

Look, I'm just trying to be here for you.

Well, I don't want you to be here for me,
Calvin.

- Kimberly.
- No. Please.

Lord have mercy...

See, no, you better get her, Byron.

Hey, stop that. Stop that. Stop that.
Hey, hey, hey. Stop it.

Stop it. Stop it.

Lord have mercy. It's always the same thing.

Hey, hey! Shut the hell up!
Sound like a siren.

Come in here and sit. Shut up!

Sit down, you black leprechaun,

looking like you out of a box of
Chocolate Lucky Charms.

Whole family. I'm sick of this.

Now look here.
Your mama was a peaceful woman.

She did not want all this foolishness.
She did the best she could with y'all,

but all of y'all act like
y'all ain't got no sense.

You, little leprechaun.
Let me tell you something...

Stop using that baby to
make this man's life miserable.

That's right.

I didn't ask for no amen from you.
I will punch...

I will punch the hell out of you.
Say something else.

The man don't want you.
He done moved the hell on.

You can't get to what's in front of you,
'cause you're too busy looking

to see what the hell he
doing with this girl. Move on.

Stop or that child will grow up resenting
you for that. Do you hear me?

That is a human being.

That is not some pawn that you can use
to make this man's life miserable.

Stop doing it.

'Cause if I catch you doing it,
I'm gonna beat the hell out of you.

Do you understand? You don't know me.
You don't want none of this.

This is old "whoop your ass."

And old "whoop your ass" is much worse
than new "whoop your ass."

New "whoop your ass" get up off you,
old "whoop your ass" have you in the grave.

Do you want some old "whoop your ass"?
Do you want some old "whoop your ass"?

And you, out there selling dope.

Yeah, she's a snitch.
She told me you out there selling dope,

giving this girl all the money.
Can't give her $20 for some Pampers?

What the hell wrong with you?

A man take care of his baby
without anybody telling him

he need to take care of his baby.

Get a job. Go to work.
Do you understand what I am telling you?

Y'all them young folk, born around the '80s,
something happened to 'em.

Y'all feel like y'all don't have to
work for nothing,

somebody's supposed to hand
something to you,

forgetting that old folks marched
for your dumb ass,

to get you where you can be and to be free.

That dope either gonna lead you to
one of two places:

to the grave or to prison.
Now you've already been to prison.

You ready to go back to jail?

You ready to go to the grave?
Which one you want?

'Cause as soon as you go down,
this one right here

is going to be sold to the highest bidder.

All she looking for is some money.
Say something. I dare you.

I double-D dare you to say something.

I'm gonna tell you right now,
I will be checking in with

this side of the family from time to time.
And y'all better have it together.

You two. You better be F. Lee Bailey,
you better be Johnnie Cochran.

I want to see a settlement.

I want to know
who's going to have the baby,

who gonna pick him up,
who gonna have Pampers,

when you gonna come
and give the child support,

when is the money gonna be there.
You better write it all down.

Do you hear what I'm tellin' you, son?

Your mama did not want ya'll to know this.

- Madea.
- Shut up.

She wanted to keep this hidden from y'all,
but I'm gonna tell y'all.

You arguing and fussing with this girl,
she fussing.

She mad at the world.
Honey, you know why you be so mad?

This child was raped by your uncle
at 12 years old.

Anything that's covered up don't get healed.
That's what's wrong with people.

Keep trying to cover things up,
and covered up. That don't help nobody.

I can't stand nobody sitting around saying,

"What goes on in this house stays in
this house."

Let me explain something to you.
Whatever went on in that house,

if you're getting hurt by it
and it's tearing you up in your adult life,

you need to go get some help.

This man is trying to love you
and you acting like a fool.

Always grouchy and mean.
And the reason you so nasty, honey,

you ain't forgave the man that raped you.

You got to forgive those people, honey.
Not for them, but for you.

If you don't, they take power over you.

Do you hear me?
Forgive him for your own sake.

This man is trying to love you.

Go talk to him, act like you got some sense.

Go on upstairs and talk to the man.
Go on, talk to him.

You know, my mama used to
rock me to sleep in here.

At the hospital,

she told me to tell you that she loved you.

And that she was sorry
and she felt like she failed you.

She said that?

Yeah. Baby, why didn't you tell me?

I didn't know how.

I want to hold you. Can I?

Please.

We're going to get some help.

I love you.

I love you. I'm so sorry.

- Baby, I love you.
- I'm so sorry, baby.

Come on, baby, let's go.
Roscoe's waiting for you.

- I'm not doing it.
- You... What?

I'm not doing it.

Byron, we need the money.

Listen, I don't need the money that bad.
All right?

Get some heart, Byron. Damn.

Are you really gonna sit up here
and let that old lady tell you what to do?

- We need the money, Byron.
- Listen to me.

I just buried my mother today and you
wanna come in and you wanna talk...

You know what, move.

Get out, get out.

- Fine. With your broke ass.
- Yeah.

I ain't need you anyway.

I'm so glad you here.

That's right.
They don't even know what to say.

I told you, I told you.

What's wrong with you?

It's nice what you did
for this family, Madea.

- Yes, it is. Praise the Lord.
- It is.

But you can't even do it
for your own daughter.

- Did she just go off on me?
- Sound like she did.

What you talking about, Cora?

My daddy, Madea.
You don't even know who...

That is your daddy,
that silverback standing over there.

Madea... Well, prove it, then. Prove it.

- Prove it, then?
- Yes. Prove it to me.

How the hell I'm supposed
to prove it to you?

Prove it. Yes.

How you doing, Marley Kovitch?

Yeah. Okay. Nice to see you, Mr. Brown.
I know this is very upsetting to you.

- Yes, sir.
- 'Cause after all these years,

you're gonna find out
whether Brown is your father.

All these years,
I just found out he was my daddy.

And now she's trying to say that...

And Cora look just like me.
Tell me she don't look just like me.

- Really?
- Yes. Look at her eyes.

You can't tell me her eyes and her hair...
Well, she didn't comb her hair that day.

But she look just like me, Marley.

So, Cora, when you were growing up,
who did you think your father was?

I didn't know, Maury. I didn't know.

But Mr. Brown always acted like my father,
so it came easy once Madea told me.

When did Madea tell you?

I was, like, 40-something.

- Forty-something?
- Yes.

- Okay, you all have
talked a lot about this. - Yeah.

But we haven't heard from Madea.

And this is what Madea had to say
to my producers.

Brown is a lowdown dirty...
He is a liar, he is a cheater.

He ain't never did
like he was supposed to do for Cora.

He gonna act like he...
He wanted to act like

he done went to the doctor
and found out he ain't the baby daddy.

He is the baby daddy.
And I'm gonna tell you right now, Maury,

I'm gonna tell you right now
I know that's the baby daddy.

'Cause that is the only baby daddy
that I had a baby daddy with.

He is the baby daddy.
If he ain't the baby daddy...

I know he's the baby
daddy 'cause I know...

I know that was the worst
15 seconds of my life.

So I know that's the baby daddy.
You ain't even got to worry about,

'cause I know that was the baby daddy.
Cora ain't got to figure it out.

But when I go up there,
I'm gonna show... I'm gonna say it all.

'Cause he's so damn stupid,
he don't even want nobody

to tell nobody
what the hell he's supposed to do.

But I know that's the baby daddy.

Y'all ain't gotta tell me,
'cause I know that's the baby daddy.

I can't wait till I get up in there.
When I get on that stage,

I'm gonna tell Maury all the truth.

So why don't we just meet her?
Everybody, here's Madea.

Madea, come on out.

Bring her out here, Marley.
Bring her out here, Marley.

- Madea, nice to see you.
- How you doing, Maury?

I've been trying to tell you,
you are the daddy.

You the daddy, you the daddy.
That's your baby. This is your baby.

Madea!

- That's your baby! That's your baby!
- Madea! Madea!

That's your baby! That's your baby!

- That's your baby!
- Please! Madea, sit down.

- Please, Madea.
- Okay.

Why did you wait until Cora was in her 40s
to tell her who her father was?

That's because she dumb.

- What?
- Rum-dum-di-di dumb.

Say one more thing. Say one more... thing.

- Madea, please.
- You got one more time.

Now, I didn't tell her, I didn't tell her
'cause it wasn't important.

I took care of her.

I gave her everything she needed.
She didn't need to know.

She did not even need to know
who her daddy was.

I'm more interested now in Cora,
and having both of her parents in her life.

- That's right. That's right.
- Yeah.

I don't know why.
Hell, she ain't five years old.

I don't even know why, Cora,
you all got me on this... television.

Acting like you ain't got no...

And I... You said...

I know, Madea, who my...

...say that, Madea. Don't be like that.

Right, this the father. He is the father.
You are the father.

- You are the father. You are the father.
- Okay, now, wait a minute.

You are the father. You are the father.

- You are the father.
- Madea!

- You are the... father.
- Madea!

- Sit out here with all the...
- There's only one way to settle this.

Yeah, let's figure it out.
Bring it on, Maury. Bring it on.

- We're gonna have the answer right here.
- Bring it on.

He the daddy. You the daddy.
You the daddy. You the daddy.

You the daddy. Tell him, tell him, Maury.
Tell him. You are the father.

Tell him, Maury. Tell him.

In the case of
58-year-old Cora Jean Simmons,

Brown, you are not the father.

- Madea!
- Madea, why'd you have to do this to me?

Madea! Don't do that. Don't do that.

Don't embarrass yourself
on my show, Madea.

- Madea, Madea, Madea.
- I thought he was the daddy, Maury!

- I thought he was the daddy, Maury!
- No, no, no.

- I thought he was the daddy, Maury!
- He's not the father.

Call 1-800-Choke-That-Ho. I like that.

I'm a ho, Maury.
I'm just a no-good ho, Maury.

Marker.

Doc, are those your real eyes
or them contacts?

They're real.

- What?
- Yes, sir.

Doctor, are those your eyes?
Are those your eyes?

- Yes, sir, they are.
- What?

You look like an albilo.

This could be the last time
that you get to hold me.

- Just...
- Madea!

What the...

- I think I broke my...
- Let's do the slap again.

Come on, reset. I'm getting warmed up.

Mabel, I went to the doctor and they say
I'm dying. I ain't got but a week left.

You are not dying, Mr. Brown.

You had a colonoscopy
and they found a growth

and they wanna remove it and do a biopsy.

Cora, you don't know
what you're talking about.

- You ain't no doctor.
- That's what he said.

- That ain't what he said. You a doctor?
- It is.

That's what I thought. You ain't no doctor
so you don't know doctor stuff.

Shut up! Heller? Yes. Hold on.

Kirk Franklin's calling you.
He wants you back.

All right, we cut.

And don't be so sad.

You're subject to walk out of here
and get hit by a bus.

You never know, baby.

That bus will run right over you,
just splatter you all over the pavement.

Honey, it could be ugly.

God does things like that.
You just never know.

But thank you so much.

We cut.

And I ain't finding out what he done
found out because he don't wanna...

- Good he found out.
- Yes, good he found out.

Because once you find out
what you didn't find out

then you'd know what you didn't know.

And once you know what you don't know

then it don't make no difference
what you don't know no more,

'cause then you don't find out
what you didn't know.

And once you found out
what you don't know...

- Bam, Bam.
...it makes no difference

...what you didn't know no more.
- Bam.

Because when you find out...

- Bam.
...then you can know what...

Some smoking weed, Bam.
Stop smoking all that damn weed.

- Let me tell you something.
- We cut.

- Oh, y'all...
- Cut.

Who's gonna pass us that?

Your lazy ass won't even get up
and go get the food and bring it down...

I'm not gonna get that. Harold!

Bam, you gonna call Harold
to bring the food down here?

- At least somebody.
- That's lazy as hell.

Well, what do you want me to do?
Get up and get it?

Yes. Because I sure in
hell ain't gonna get it.

H.J., come here. Come here.

I got... This what children are for here.

That's why you don't buy a remote control,
you have children.

- That's right.
- Yeah. That's why

you don't need vacuum cleaners or nothing.
Children do all that.

Well, they got two of them.
You use one, I use the other one.

- Yeah, okay. Which one do you want?
- I want that little one.

Bring the food out. We cut.

We cut. Did you get it?

Sit down!

Sittin' there like you on a horse.

Let me tell all of you something,
and I want to make this clear.

If your mama ain't here

then your Daddy gonna tell you
what you need to do.

What?

Cut.

...tell you what's going on.
- What?

You found out that this was your daughter
just like recently?

- Yes.
- Yes.

- I was 40-something.
- It was terrible.

What was that like?

I was happy, you know, but I was sad.

'Cause it was the best thing
that ever happened.

Why was you sad, Cora?

Because, at first,
I didn't want it to be him to be my daddy.

- Why?
- But then...

Because, you know, look at him.
But he wound up being...

- Cora, look at you.
- It worked out.

You ain't no catch either.

Cora, I'm trying to help, do you a favor.

But what did Madea tell you all your life
about your father?

Like you better than me.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

My security people, please.

Ain't nobody scared of no security.
Because I can take them...

Don't touch me. I will bust you in your head
with this hammer. Back the hell up.

- Madea, please.
- I'm not scared.

I will bust you in your head
with this hammer.

- Madea, please.
- Ma'am, come on.

We're not gonna stand for that on this show.
Come on now.

I don't wanna sit by her!

Get out of the way.
You're in front of the camera. Move.

- Okay. Just sit down here.
- I ain't gonna sit down.

You're in front of the camera.
Get your ass out of the way

...is what I'm telling you.
- Madea.

- She's telling you to slide over.
- Hey, you still ain't moving.

You're in the way.

I'm serious.
Your ass is in front of the camera. Move.

All right. Y'all go on, now, go on.
Get the hell off the stage.

Y'all extras.

Why did you wait until Cora was in her 40s
to tell her who her father was?

That's because she's dumb.

I didn't tell her because
it wasn't important.

It was not important to her.

Because I took care of her.

- You were like father and mother?
- Yeah.

And...

- I ain't never hit no woman,
but I'm gonna... - No, no, no, no, no!

- No, let me, let me...
- No, no, no!

No, we can't have that on my show.

- I love you, man.
- I know. Oh, gentle. Mr. Brown, I know.

- I know. I know. I know.
- I'm having a nervous breakdown.

I want you to be my daddy.

But I want to be your man now.

What? Now what...

Thank you for coming to this movie.