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1
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,474
Hey, perfect timing. I'm
just about to plug her in.
2
00:00:08,475 --> 00:00:10,242
Oh, okay, good. Fire her up.
3
00:00:10,243 --> 00:00:13,178
And let there be light.
4
00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:19,435
Wow, that's... festive.
5
00:00:19,436 --> 00:00:21,169
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
6
00:00:22,205 --> 00:00:23,472
Huh?
7
00:00:23,473 --> 00:00:24,890
All right.
8
00:00:24,891 --> 00:00:27,526
Seventy-nine more to go.
9
00:00:28,812 --> 00:00:31,379
I see my timing is perfect.
10
00:00:31,380 --> 00:00:33,215
I spent the day at
the senior center,
11
00:00:33,216 --> 00:00:36,819
crafting a one-of-a-kind
ornament for our tree.
12
00:00:39,623 --> 00:00:40,873
Okay.
13
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,708
What is this?
14
00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,911
It started out as a coffee mug.
It became a reindeer.
15
00:00:45,912 --> 00:00:47,880
Hang it up, please.
16
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:49,280
No. It doesn't look
like a reindeer.
17
00:00:49,281 --> 00:00:52,051
It looks like something
a reindeer left behind.
18
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,887
Don't push me during
the holidays.
19
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:56,839
Doug, just do what he says.
20
00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,791
Carrie, this thing's a brick.
It'll drag the whole tree down.
21
00:00:59,792 --> 00:01:03,729
Hang it up or I'll bust
this angel wide open.
22
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:05,280
Hey, put that down.
It's fragile.
23
00:01:05,281 --> 00:01:06,398
So help me, I'll do it.
24
00:01:06,399 --> 00:01:07,499
You do Vixen here
25
00:01:07,500 --> 00:01:09,068
is coming right at your head!
26
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,252
You what? Yeah? Try me!
27
00:01:10,253 --> 00:01:13,856
All right, the both of you, stop it!
Stop it!
28
00:01:15,025 --> 00:01:17,726
Where is your Christmas spirit?
29
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:24,432
Now, Dad, I will find
30
00:01:24,433 --> 00:01:27,903
a prime place for this
on the tree, okay?
31
00:01:27,904 --> 00:01:29,705
Now, hand over the angel,
32
00:01:29,706 --> 00:01:31,339
nice and slow.
33
00:01:37,464 --> 00:01:39,681
This isn't over.
34
00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:17,585
So, what's the deal?
35
00:02:17,586 --> 00:02:19,421
Can we, uh, go home yet or what?
36
00:02:19,422 --> 00:02:21,890
No, honey, we have to
finish our gift list.
37
00:02:21,891 --> 00:02:23,008
We don't need a list.
38
00:02:23,009 --> 00:02:24,810
I can get all our
shopping done in an hour.
39
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:27,095
Honey, I saved very
carefully this year
40
00:02:27,096 --> 00:02:29,181
so everyone would
get a nice gift.
41
00:02:29,182 --> 00:02:31,049
Last year, you did all
your Christmas shopping
42
00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:33,852
at a gas-station minimart.
43
00:02:33,853 --> 00:02:37,856
Everyone got The Best
of Eddie Rabbitt.
44
00:02:37,857 --> 00:02:39,558
Not everyone. Oh,
yeah, that's right.
45
00:02:39,559 --> 00:02:43,378
Your mother did get a bottle
of herbal trucker's speed.
46
00:02:43,379 --> 00:02:46,314
Hey, she painted our
garage in under an hour.
47
00:02:48,618 --> 00:02:50,919
Okay, look, I need you to
finish paying for this stuff,
48
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,821
and then I need you to go
next door to buy these
49
00:02:52,822 --> 00:02:54,173
at Leather World.
50
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,490
Leather World. Kinky.
51
00:02:55,491 --> 00:02:56,542
Yeah.
52
00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:59,344
Winter gloves. Real kinky.
53
00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:01,096
Winter sex gloves.
54
00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:03,465
All right, I'll meet you back
here in a half-hour, okay?
55
00:03:03,466 --> 00:03:04,800
All right. All right.
56
00:03:06,135 --> 00:03:07,335
Excuse me?
57
00:03:07,336 --> 00:03:08,670
Oh, yes?
58
00:03:08,671 --> 00:03:10,722
Sorry to bother you, but, uh...
59
00:03:10,723 --> 00:03:13,442
I can't decide which one
of these sweaters to buy.
60
00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:16,645
Oh, okay, well, first
off, who's it for?
61
00:03:16,646 --> 00:03:19,481
My sister and she's very picky.
62
00:03:19,482 --> 00:03:22,784
Okay, well... You know what?
63
00:03:22,785 --> 00:03:25,454
I would go with the black one
because she can wear it to work,
64
00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:27,355
and then she can wear it
for goin' out at night.
65
00:03:28,691 --> 00:03:29,875
You know,
66
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,359
I almost went with
the brown one,
67
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:32,794
because when you held it up,
68
00:03:32,795 --> 00:03:34,629
it really brought out your eyes.
69
00:03:36,666 --> 00:03:37,933
Oh...
70
00:03:37,934 --> 00:03:40,886
That's so sweet. Thank you.
71
00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:42,171
And you're very beautiful.
72
00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:45,740
Hey, babe,
73
00:03:45,741 --> 00:03:47,810
what's up?
74
00:03:47,811 --> 00:03:49,511
Hi.
75
00:03:49,512 --> 00:03:52,731
Yeah, just shoppin' with
my three favorite people:
76
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:55,901
my wife, my love and my lady.
77
00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:57,352
Okay. Yeah? How about you?
78
00:03:57,353 --> 00:03:58,854
Ya got everything you need?
79
00:03:58,855 --> 00:04:00,505
Uh, yes, looks like I do.
80
00:04:00,506 --> 00:04:01,857
Hm.
81
00:04:01,858 --> 00:04:04,193
Well... thanks again.
82
00:04:04,194 --> 00:04:05,027
Oh, you're welcome.
83
00:04:05,028 --> 00:04:06,895
Happy holidays. Mmm.
84
00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:11,950
What is the matter with you?
85
00:04:11,951 --> 00:04:13,085
He was hittin' on you.
86
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,204
You don't have to
be so rude to him.
87
00:04:15,205 --> 00:04:17,539
Hey. Guy hits on my woman,
I'm gonna throw down.
88
00:04:17,540 --> 00:04:20,042
Really? How come you didn't do
anything to that bank teller
89
00:04:20,043 --> 00:04:21,543
when he asked me out last week?
90
00:04:21,544 --> 00:04:23,878
'Cause he was almost my height.
91
00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:33,515
May I help you? Oh.
92
00:05:33,516 --> 00:05:35,950
Yeah, I don't think
this is the right size.
93
00:05:37,537 --> 00:05:40,305
You know, I am looking at
you, and I am thinking,
94
00:05:40,306 --> 00:05:41,706
a Guiseppe Gimali,
95
00:05:41,707 --> 00:05:44,293
three-quarter length
leather duster.
96
00:05:44,294 --> 00:05:47,045
Didn't understand a
word you just said.
97
00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:48,797
Shall I ring up those gloves?
98
00:05:48,798 --> 00:05:50,265
Oh, yeah, sure. Okay.
99
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:52,100
Will that be cash or charge?
100
00:05:52,101 --> 00:05:53,051
Charge.
101
00:05:58,942 --> 00:06:01,543
You lost your wallet?
102
00:06:01,544 --> 00:06:03,862
It looks that way. Are you sure?
103
00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:05,914
I won't be positive
until I shower tonight,
104
00:06:05,915 --> 00:06:07,649
but I think it's gone.
105
00:06:07,650 --> 00:06:09,517
Well, the leather store
was only 20 feet away.
106
00:06:09,518 --> 00:06:12,371
So it's gotta be somewhere
between here and there.
107
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,790
Actually, I may have
made a couple stops
108
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,124
before the leather store.
109
00:06:17,994 --> 00:06:19,745
Okay, so where did you go first?
110
00:06:19,746 --> 00:06:23,215
Well, first I went right
here to Paws and Claws.
111
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,499
Paws and Claws?
112
00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:25,717
Yeah, the pet store.
113
00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:27,386
Why? What did you do
in the pet store?
114
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,721
Held a puppy.
115
00:06:29,722 --> 00:06:31,590
And then you went
to Leather World?
116
00:06:31,591 --> 00:06:32,940
No, then I went
to Barnes & Noble
117
00:06:32,941 --> 00:06:35,143
to look up dog names, in
case you let me get a puppy.
118
00:06:35,144 --> 00:06:37,745
I like Hondo. What do you think?
119
00:06:40,049 --> 00:06:42,100
Anyway, uh...
120
00:06:42,101 --> 00:06:43,352
Then I went to the second level,
121
00:06:43,353 --> 00:06:45,854
where I tried on sunglasses,
sat in a massage chair
122
00:06:45,855 --> 00:06:47,789
and watched a little bit
of the teen fashion show.
123
00:06:47,790 --> 00:06:49,491
It's pretty cool,
'cause I could see it
124
00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:51,025
from the massage chair.
125
00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:56,365
Then I went over here
to Lady Foot Locker.
126
00:06:56,366 --> 00:06:58,166
Why?
127
00:06:58,167 --> 00:07:00,452
I saw Céline Dion in there.
128
00:07:00,453 --> 00:07:04,373
Oh, okay, Céline Dion shops
at Lady Foot Locker?
129
00:07:04,374 --> 00:07:05,623
No. Céline Dion
130
00:07:05,624 --> 00:07:07,559
works at Lady Foot Locker.
131
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,544
Anyway, it wasn't her.
132
00:07:09,545 --> 00:07:10,412
Okay, you know what?
133
00:07:10,413 --> 00:07:12,381
Please, let's just
retrace your steps
134
00:07:12,382 --> 00:07:14,049
and maybe we can
find your wallet.
135
00:07:14,050 --> 00:07:16,351
Cool. I'll show you Hondo.
136
00:07:20,990 --> 00:07:22,457
I cannot believe I lost it.
137
00:07:22,458 --> 00:07:25,026
I mean, my driver's license,
138
00:07:25,027 --> 00:07:27,763
my insurance card,
my gym membership.
139
00:07:28,881 --> 00:07:31,182
Yeah, without that and
your library card,
140
00:07:31,183 --> 00:07:33,201
how will you live?
141
00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:36,071
I just don't understand.
It's like it vanished.
142
00:07:36,072 --> 00:07:38,873
Yeah. Along with the other
five wallets that you've lost.
143
00:07:38,874 --> 00:07:43,078
Including the one that was
chained to your pants.
144
00:07:43,079 --> 00:07:44,996
I still can't figure
that one out.
145
00:07:44,997 --> 00:07:48,216
I lost my pants, Carrie.
It's not a big mystery.
146
00:07:48,217 --> 00:07:49,467
Okay, you know what?
147
00:07:49,468 --> 00:07:51,369
Let's just cancel
your credit cards
148
00:07:51,370 --> 00:07:54,071
and try to enjoy the
holidays, okay?
149
00:07:54,072 --> 00:07:56,391
So it was just the Visa
and the Amex, right?
150
00:07:56,392 --> 00:07:58,009
Yeah, and, uh,
151
00:07:58,010 --> 00:08:00,262
some other ones.
152
00:08:00,263 --> 00:08:02,147
What other ones?
153
00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,799
Well, every day they send me
these applications in the mail.
154
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:08,269
Sign up for a Jets card
and get a free Jets hat.
155
00:08:08,270 --> 00:08:11,857
Sign up for a Knicks card
and earn Knick bucks.
156
00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:15,527
What the hell are Knick bucks?
157
00:08:15,528 --> 00:08:17,279
I don't know, but if
I get 20,000 of 'em,
158
00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,247
I get a free hat.
159
00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:22,384
Doug, I accept the fact that
I'm the responsible one, okay?
160
00:08:22,385 --> 00:08:25,686
I do all our finances, I
plan for our retirement,
161
00:08:25,687 --> 00:08:28,256
I check us both for lumps,
162
00:08:28,257 --> 00:08:30,658
and I real- I don't
expect you to help me,
163
00:08:30,659 --> 00:08:33,428
but now you're just
actively screwing me over.
164
00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:34,929
I just don't understand this.
165
00:08:34,930 --> 00:08:37,966
I swear, I took my wallet out.
I paid for your dad's sweater.
166
00:08:37,967 --> 00:08:40,568
I put my wallet back, and I-
167
00:08:40,569 --> 00:08:42,237
Wait a second.
168
00:08:42,238 --> 00:08:45,056
That guy- That guy,
he picked my pocket!
169
00:08:45,057 --> 00:08:46,191
What guy?
170
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:47,742
You know.
171
00:08:47,743 --> 00:08:49,978
Little Romeo.
172
00:08:49,979 --> 00:08:51,546
Oh, my G- Okay, Doug.
173
00:08:51,547 --> 00:08:54,983
You have tried to blame your
stupidity on other people,
174
00:08:54,984 --> 00:08:57,819
but this- This is just sad.
175
00:08:57,820 --> 00:08:59,571
No. I'm tellin' you, he took it.
176
00:08:59,572 --> 00:09:01,990
Oh, you just have it in for him
'cause he was hitting on me.
177
00:09:01,991 --> 00:09:04,225
Maybe he was hitting on you
just to create a diversion
178
00:09:04,226 --> 00:09:05,794
so he could grab my wallet.
179
00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:07,412
Oh, please.
180
00:09:07,413 --> 00:09:09,180
Right, what was I thinkin'?
I mean, he had to be
181
00:09:09,181 --> 00:09:11,916
hittin' on you 'cause
you're so damn hot.
182
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:17,271
Okay, you know what, Doug?
183
00:09:17,272 --> 00:09:20,208
I don't want you to buy me
a gift this year, okay?
184
00:09:20,209 --> 00:09:21,543
All I want for Christmas
185
00:09:21,544 --> 00:09:23,678
is for you to stop
acting like a big baby
186
00:09:23,679 --> 00:09:25,397
and grow up.
187
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,031
No. I gave you that last year.
188
00:09:31,921 --> 00:09:33,671
Now, if I cancel my credit card,
189
00:09:33,672 --> 00:09:36,340
do I still get to
keep the Knick bucks?
190
00:09:36,341 --> 00:09:39,911
I do? Great! Oh, that's great.
Thank you very much.
191
00:09:43,933 --> 00:09:45,250
What the hell's goin' on?
192
00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:46,451
Danny and I just got attacked
193
00:09:46,452 --> 00:09:48,203
by a bunch of kids
throwin' snowballs.
194
00:09:48,204 --> 00:09:51,072
Where's Danny? He's not here?
195
00:09:51,073 --> 00:09:52,457
I thought he was ahead of me.
196
00:09:52,458 --> 00:09:53,925
Cut it out! Just quit it!
197
00:10:01,099 --> 00:10:02,717
Where'd ya go?
198
00:10:02,718 --> 00:10:05,253
Once they ran out from
behind the station wagon,
199
00:10:05,254 --> 00:10:07,472
it was every man for himself.
200
00:10:07,473 --> 00:10:10,591
Aw, man, that Chinese
kid's got an arm.
201
00:10:13,312 --> 00:10:14,912
Okay, guys, so,
what's the plan now?
202
00:10:14,913 --> 00:10:17,616
Are you gonna hang out here
till the streetlights come on?
203
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,684
We're on our way to Cooper's
to catch the second half
204
00:10:19,685 --> 00:10:21,286
of the game. Get your coat on.
205
00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:23,405
Nah. You know what? I pass.
206
00:10:23,406 --> 00:10:25,073
Come on, 2-for-1 pitchers.
Yeah, come on.
207
00:10:25,074 --> 00:10:26,908
It's all right, man.
I'm not goin'.
208
00:10:26,909 --> 00:10:27,909
Why not? 'Cause I'm not.
209
00:10:27,910 --> 00:10:29,277
Why not? Becau- I-
210
00:10:29,278 --> 00:10:31,979
I spent my allowance
already, okay?
211
00:10:31,980 --> 00:10:33,215
What?
212
00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:34,833
Carrie and I got into
a fight, all right.
213
00:10:34,834 --> 00:10:36,267
And to teach me a lesson, she-
214
00:10:36,268 --> 00:10:38,436
- put me on an allowance.
215
00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:44,092
Why don't you sell your bike?
216
00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:49,447
That's pretty tough
talk comin' from a guy
217
00:10:49,448 --> 00:10:52,183
who just got chased into
my house by a 12-year-old.
218
00:10:52,184 --> 00:10:54,335
It was five 12-year-olds.
219
00:10:54,336 --> 00:10:56,371
And three of them were guys.
220
00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:58,973
Well, I'm not goin', so go-
221
00:10:58,974 --> 00:11:00,609
Go to Cooper's and
have a good time.
222
00:11:00,610 --> 00:11:01,793
Aw, all right.
223
00:11:01,794 --> 00:11:03,561
Hey, let's- Let's go
out the back door.
224
00:11:03,562 --> 00:11:04,863
Oh, good idea.
225
00:11:04,864 --> 00:11:06,297
We'll grab some
garbage-can covers,
226
00:11:06,298 --> 00:11:07,965
use them as shields.
Oh, good idea.
227
00:11:11,403 --> 00:11:12,671
Hello?
228
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,939
This is he.
229
00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:17,341
Yes, that is my credit card.
230
00:11:17,342 --> 00:11:19,978
Are there any charges on it?
231
00:11:19,979 --> 00:11:22,080
Really?
232
00:11:22,081 --> 00:11:23,882
Really?
233
00:11:23,883 --> 00:11:25,283
Uh-huh.
234
00:11:25,284 --> 00:11:26,885
Thank you.
235
00:11:26,886 --> 00:11:30,021
Thank you very much.
236
00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:31,789
Hey, Columbo.
237
00:11:31,790 --> 00:11:34,643
How's the, uh, manhunt goin'?
238
00:11:34,644 --> 00:11:38,313
Oh, I just got a call that
blew this case wide open.
239
00:11:38,314 --> 00:11:39,447
Oh, yeah?
240
00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:40,565
Mm-hm. Here are some charges
241
00:11:40,566 --> 00:11:43,301
that were just made on one
of my missing credit cards.
242
00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:45,704
Read 'em and weep.
243
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,155
Pablo's Tailor Shop.
244
00:11:47,156 --> 00:11:48,823
Yeah. Now, tell me,
245
00:11:48,824 --> 00:11:54,129
what kind of a guy goes to
get his clothes altered?
246
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:56,063
You.
247
00:11:56,064 --> 00:11:58,533
I mean, I've let your
pants out so many times,
248
00:11:58,534 --> 00:12:01,869
the tailor invited me to
his daughter's wedding.
249
00:12:01,870 --> 00:12:03,054
Okay, fine.
250
00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:04,272
But how do you explain these?
251
00:12:04,273 --> 00:12:07,375
The boys' department
at Saks, huh?
252
00:12:07,376 --> 00:12:08,943
Island Minigolf.
253
00:12:08,944 --> 00:12:11,296
Which is like regular
golf for him.
254
00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:14,265
And The Ladder Store.
255
00:12:14,266 --> 00:12:18,235
That's right, The Ladder Store.
256
00:12:18,236 --> 00:12:21,690
Now, who needs a ladder?
257
00:12:21,691 --> 00:12:25,493
Um, a contractor, a
painter, a tree trimmer,
258
00:12:25,494 --> 00:12:26,927
a window washer.
259
00:12:26,928 --> 00:12:29,247
That's just to name a few.
260
00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:31,333
It's him, and you know it is.
261
00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:32,734
No. What I know is
that you're a screwup,
262
00:12:32,735 --> 00:12:35,370
who just cost himself
next week's allowance.
263
00:12:35,371 --> 00:12:38,640
You just can't face the fact
that he was after my wallet.
264
00:12:38,641 --> 00:12:42,544
He was trying to get in
my pants, not yours.
265
00:12:45,064 --> 00:12:48,383
Just cost yourself
another week, buddy boy.
266
00:12:48,384 --> 00:12:50,985
You- You are livin' in
a fantasy world, okay?
267
00:12:50,986 --> 00:12:53,104
Because I got enough proof,
and I'll tell you what,
268
00:12:53,105 --> 00:12:55,423
I'm goin' to the cops.
269
00:12:59,111 --> 00:13:00,244
Okay, I don't have a license,
270
00:13:00,245 --> 00:13:01,729
so I'm gonna need
you to drive me.
271
00:13:10,106 --> 00:13:11,439
Mr. Heffernan?
272
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,708
Detective Perry said he'll
be just another minute.
273
00:13:15,410 --> 00:13:17,511
Why are they makin'
us wait so long?
274
00:13:17,512 --> 00:13:19,047
I don't know, Doug.
275
00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:20,597
They're probably all
wastin' their time
276
00:13:20,598 --> 00:13:22,133
on some pesky murder.
277
00:13:22,134 --> 00:13:26,203
Boy, you got some sass, mujer.
278
00:13:27,973 --> 00:13:29,073
Mr. Heffernan?
279
00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:33,645
I'm Detective Perry.
280
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:36,598
Hey there. How ya doin' there?
281
00:13:36,599 --> 00:13:39,017
I understand, uh, someone
stole your wallet.
282
00:13:39,018 --> 00:13:40,769
Uh, yeah.
283
00:13:40,770 --> 00:13:41,835
Yeah, Doug, why don't you, uh,
284
00:13:41,836 --> 00:13:43,855
go ahead and tell the
detective who did it?
285
00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:46,290
Uh, yeah, I- I was shopping,
286
00:13:46,291 --> 00:13:48,492
and this guy was talkin'
to my, uh, wife,
287
00:13:48,493 --> 00:13:50,394
and he- He- He took it.
288
00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:52,947
What'd this guy look like?
289
00:13:54,566 --> 00:13:56,367
Oh, just- White guy.
290
00:13:56,368 --> 00:13:58,870
Uh, spiky hair.
291
00:13:58,871 --> 00:14:01,706
Probably in his 30s.
Yeah, that's the guy.
292
00:14:01,707 --> 00:14:04,242
Hey, honey, could you
be any more specific?
293
00:14:05,644 --> 00:14:07,862
Yeah, did he have any
distinctive characteristics?
294
00:14:07,863 --> 00:14:10,131
Anything unique that would
help us ID him. Anything.
295
00:14:10,132 --> 00:14:14,201
Distinctive...
296
00:14:14,202 --> 00:14:15,937
Let's see. He was, uh...
297
00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,740
Uh, dressed very nicely.
298
00:14:18,741 --> 00:14:22,644
I think he was wearin'
some kind of cologne.
299
00:14:22,645 --> 00:14:25,412
He was a midget, and, uh...
300
00:14:25,413 --> 00:14:27,482
I think he was wearin' jeans.
301
00:14:27,483 --> 00:14:29,367
Uh, I'm sorry. What did you say?
302
00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:31,703
Jeans. I think he
was wearing jeans.
303
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,020
Before that you said something.
304
00:14:33,021 --> 00:14:33,938
Oh, uh,
305
00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:35,139
he was a midget.
306
00:14:37,826 --> 00:14:39,577
I'm not catching this.
307
00:14:39,578 --> 00:14:41,329
He was a midget.
308
00:14:41,330 --> 00:14:42,330
He was in what?
309
00:14:42,331 --> 00:14:44,064
He was- I can't-
310
00:14:44,065 --> 00:14:45,133
Mr. Heffernan-
311
00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:46,517
He's a midget!
312
00:14:48,286 --> 00:14:50,304
I'm sorry. I know that's
not the right word.
313
00:14:50,305 --> 00:14:52,006
Okay. No offense. I-
314
00:14:52,007 --> 00:14:53,758
Why would I take offense?
315
00:14:53,759 --> 00:14:55,560
I'm not sayin' that you're a-
316
00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:56,994
You're a- You know-
317
00:14:56,995 --> 00:14:58,128
A midget?
318
00:14:58,129 --> 00:15:01,198
No. You're way past
the cutoff, right?
319
00:15:09,341 --> 00:15:11,542
Well, well,
320
00:15:11,543 --> 00:15:14,678
who put a lump of coal
in your stocking?
321
00:15:16,481 --> 00:15:18,816
It's nothin'. It's just...
322
00:15:18,817 --> 00:15:21,268
This little person
stole my wallet,
323
00:15:21,269 --> 00:15:23,421
and nobody believes me.
324
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:25,523
Oh, the little people.
325
00:15:25,524 --> 00:15:28,343
So small yet so cunning.
326
00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:30,995
Yeah. I mean, Carrie thinks
I got it in for this guy
327
00:15:30,996 --> 00:15:32,597
just 'cause he hit on her.
328
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:36,834
Well, we all know her taste
in men runs to the extreme.
329
00:15:38,387 --> 00:15:40,305
What makes you so sure it's him?
330
00:15:40,306 --> 00:15:42,774
Look at the charges
on my credit card.
331
00:15:46,678 --> 00:15:48,312
Why, any fool could tell
332
00:15:48,313 --> 00:15:50,380
these are the charges
of the tiny.
333
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,284
Exactly. I mean-
334
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:55,286
You're the only one
who believes me.
335
00:15:55,287 --> 00:15:56,570
Great.
336
00:15:56,571 --> 00:15:58,206
This is no time for self-pity.
337
00:15:58,207 --> 00:16:00,374
There's a criminal on the loose.
338
00:16:00,375 --> 00:16:02,910
We'll call these stores and
see if anyone remembers
339
00:16:02,911 --> 00:16:05,079
who used your card.
340
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:06,664
Y- y-you think someone will?
341
00:16:06,665 --> 00:16:08,532
I worked in retail.
342
00:16:08,533 --> 00:16:11,235
If a little person
walked into my shop,
343
00:16:11,236 --> 00:16:14,272
it was all I could
talk about for years.
344
00:16:19,428 --> 00:16:21,195
Appreciate you
driving me, Arthur,
345
00:16:21,196 --> 00:16:23,965
but, uh, could you
speed it up a little?
346
00:16:23,966 --> 00:16:26,700
I follow the rules of the road.
347
00:16:28,453 --> 00:16:30,420
Okay, we just got passed
by a shopping cart.
348
00:16:30,421 --> 00:16:31,656
Come on.
349
00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:33,257
Are you sure this
is a strong lead?
350
00:16:33,258 --> 00:16:34,424
Positive.
351
00:16:34,425 --> 00:16:35,576
The Ladder Store said,
352
00:16:35,577 --> 00:16:38,112
"A little fella by the
name of Doug Heffernan
353
00:16:38,113 --> 00:16:40,397
just bought himself
a step stool. "
354
00:16:40,398 --> 00:16:42,299
She also said she
remembers him saying
355
00:16:42,300 --> 00:16:44,234
that it was for his
job at the mall.
356
00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:48,639
You know, we're quite a team.
357
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:51,542
Like Jake and the Fatman.
358
00:16:51,543 --> 00:16:53,410
Needless to say, I'm Jake.
359
00:16:55,547 --> 00:16:59,884
There's just one more person I
need to invite to the party.
360
00:16:59,885 --> 00:17:03,120
Hey, Car, it's, uh, me.
It's, uh...
361
00:17:03,121 --> 00:17:05,222
Let's see. It's 6:30 now.
362
00:17:05,223 --> 00:17:08,025
Do me a favor. Meet
me at the mall ASAP.
363
00:17:08,026 --> 00:17:10,311
I got a little surprise for ya.
364
00:17:10,312 --> 00:17:12,312
Little surprise. Marvelous.
365
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:22,906
How are we gonna find this guy?
366
00:17:22,907 --> 00:17:24,642
There's, like, a
million people here.
367
00:17:24,643 --> 00:17:28,011
Vigilante justice takes
patience, Douglas.
368
00:17:28,012 --> 00:17:31,132
Hey, do you see what I see?
369
00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:34,452
The Panda Express?
Because I could eat.
370
00:17:34,453 --> 00:17:37,221
No, that elf over there.
That's the guy.
371
00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:38,822
All right, hand over my wallet.
372
00:17:39,858 --> 00:17:41,092
What?
373
00:17:41,093 --> 00:17:43,344
Oh, I'm sorry. I-
374
00:17:43,345 --> 00:17:46,347
I thought you were this other
guy who stole my wallet.
375
00:17:46,348 --> 00:17:47,848
Oh, ho, ho. I get it.
376
00:17:47,849 --> 00:17:50,151
Because I'm black.
377
00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:51,769
No, no, no, no. Not
'cause you're black.
378
00:17:51,770 --> 00:17:54,355
'Cause you're a-
A little person.
379
00:17:54,356 --> 00:17:57,025
Oh, so now all little
people are thieves?
380
00:17:57,026 --> 00:17:58,359
No, that's not what I'm sayin'.
381
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:00,261
How would you feel if I
walked around sayin',
382
00:18:00,262 --> 00:18:04,332
someone stole my donut, it
must have been the fat guy.
383
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,700
Whoa! Where'd my
Christmas ham go?
384
00:18:06,701 --> 00:18:09,203
Gee, I wonder.
385
00:18:09,204 --> 00:18:10,872
All right, all right,
all right, all right!
386
00:18:10,873 --> 00:18:13,073
You made your point. I'm sorry, man.
Jeez.
387
00:18:13,074 --> 00:18:14,375
That's right!
388
00:18:14,376 --> 00:18:16,110
You better leave, tubby.
389
00:18:17,546 --> 00:18:19,196
Hey! Hey!
390
00:18:22,066 --> 00:18:24,102
Hey, I know it was you!
391
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,887
Don't know what
you're talking about.
392
00:18:25,888 --> 00:18:28,089
Yeah? You stole my wallet, and
you used my credit cards.
393
00:18:28,090 --> 00:18:30,024
I wrote down all the
charges right here.
394
00:18:30,025 --> 00:18:33,144
All right, I did it, but
it serves you right.
395
00:18:33,145 --> 00:18:34,445
What are you talkin' about?
396
00:18:34,446 --> 00:18:36,564
I was having a nice
conversation with your wife,
397
00:18:36,565 --> 00:18:37,732
and you came over,
398
00:18:37,733 --> 00:18:39,299
and you made me
feel like garbage.
399
00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:41,369
So I just grabbed your wallet.
400
00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:43,070
Careful, Douglas. He's cornered.
401
00:18:43,071 --> 00:18:45,906
There's no telling
what he might do.
402
00:18:45,907 --> 00:18:47,675
Look, I got the situation
under control.
403
00:18:47,676 --> 00:18:49,142
Why don't you go
to Panda Express?
404
00:18:49,143 --> 00:18:50,210
I could eat.
405
00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:54,148
Look, even if what you
say is true, okay,
406
00:18:54,149 --> 00:18:56,383
it doesn't give you the
right to steal my wallet.
407
00:18:57,735 --> 00:18:59,770
You're right.
408
00:18:59,771 --> 00:19:02,372
Why do I do these things?
I mean...
409
00:19:02,373 --> 00:19:04,225
I've really made a
mess of my life.
410
00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:08,062
I can't hold down a job
or make a marriage work,
411
00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:10,214
but when it comes
to screwin' up,
412
00:19:10,215 --> 00:19:13,217
man, I'm the all-time champ.
413
00:19:13,869 --> 00:19:15,553
All right, tell you what.
414
00:19:15,554 --> 00:19:17,855
Just, uh... give
me back my wallet,
415
00:19:17,856 --> 00:19:19,657
and we'll just forget
the whole thing.
416
00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:21,943
Really? You're not
gonna call the cops?
417
00:19:21,944 --> 00:19:23,394
Nah.
418
00:19:24,696 --> 00:19:26,614
Here. All the credit
cards are in there.
419
00:19:26,615 --> 00:19:28,349
You can count 'em if you want.
No.
420
00:19:29,084 --> 00:19:30,467
That's all right.
421
00:19:30,468 --> 00:19:31,753
Merry Christmas.
422
00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:35,005
You too, Douglas
Steven Heffernan.
423
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:39,427
Doug?
424
00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:40,677
Hey, uh... I can explain.
425
00:19:40,678 --> 00:19:42,246
You don't have to
explain anything.
426
00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:44,432
That was a very
nice thing you did.
427
00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:48,636
You're still a big baby, but...
you're a sweet big baby.
428
00:19:48,637 --> 00:19:50,070
So we, uh...
429
00:19:50,071 --> 00:19:51,355
We're good?
430
00:19:51,356 --> 00:19:53,141
We're good. Just
hang on one second.
431
00:19:53,142 --> 00:19:54,541
Uh, excuse me.
432
00:19:54,542 --> 00:19:55,893
Can I ask you a question?
433
00:19:55,894 --> 00:19:56,811
Sure.
434
00:19:56,812 --> 00:19:59,396
You were... hitting
on me, right?
435
00:19:59,397 --> 00:20:01,165
I mean, that wasn't
just part of your scam
436
00:20:01,166 --> 00:20:02,283
to get the wallet?
437
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:03,767
Are you kidding?
438
00:20:03,768 --> 00:20:07,205
You're an A-1 piece
of tail, honey.
439
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:10,508
Oh, that is so sweet. Thank you.
440
00:20:11,910 --> 00:20:14,011
Now, get the hell outta here.
441
00:20:14,946 --> 00:20:17,081
We can go now? Yes.
442
00:20:17,082 --> 00:20:18,749
Guess I owe you an apology.
443
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:21,702
Actually, I owe you
an apology too.
444
00:20:21,703 --> 00:20:23,403
He's actually an okay guy.
445
00:20:26,958 --> 00:20:28,192
Mr. Heffernan,
446
00:20:28,193 --> 00:20:30,394
welcome to the Maui
Paradise Resort.
447
00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:32,963
And how will you be
paying for your stay?
31599
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