All language subtitles for Dead Hot s01e05.eng

- [Jess] Tina!
- [ship horn blaring]

[discordant music playing]

[gunshot]

Okay, so...
er, we were walking...

er, along the docks...

and, erm, Andrew...

er, was supposedly about to
tell me something.

And then, erm...

his head, erm...

his head exploded.

- And then he's on the ground--
- [woman] Oh, bloody hell!

Forgot to start the recorder.

[woman clears throat]

[recorder clicks, whirring]

Suspect said he was walking
along the dock with the victim--

- Suspect?
- [shushes]

...when the victim's head
was blown open by a Barrett M90

from a third
or fourth storey window.

No, no, no, I didn't say that.

Well, I've got no idea
what kind of gun it was.

And why are you calling me
a suspect?

I've never even
touched a gun before.

I'm the victim here.

Well, the dead victim's boss
said that you assaulted him.

During a... glute and chesticles
class just last night.

Okay.

[sighs] Look, someone
named The Brutaliser

hired Andrew to trick me
into kissing him, okay?

But we actually ended up
falling for each other.

But, erm, the Brutaliser
forbade Andrew

from, like,
ever seeing me again.

Well, now he's dead.

He's been killed,

and The Brutaliser
is the one who's done it.

Okay, it's definitely him,

and I think
he's going to come after me.

Probably.

And I think he's the person

that made my boyfriend
disappear five years ago.

[woman] Speaking of...

Where were you on the day
Peter Ono was last seen?

I've said this
a million times, okay.

I was at the beach.

So the anonymous tip we received

about you leaving Athena Woods
with a shovel on that day?

What's that all about?

[knock on door]

His lawyer's here.

Convenient.

Elliot, what's happened?

Your call scared me.

They think I, like,
murdered And--

Will... Andrew, erm--

- Will's dead?
- [groans]

[breathes deeply]

Tell me what happened.

This is what killed my dad.

Shit.

It's from the church.
It's been missing.

- Well, who put it in your bag?
- Who do you think?

My brother's trying to frame me.

He killed my dad

and put the murder weapon
in my favourite Fjallraven.

Tina, I get
your family are crazy,

but how is it so bad
that your own brother

has killed your dad
and is trying to put it on you?

I had a kid...

and, of course,
my family freaked out

'cause it happened
out of wedlock.

[sobbing] I would
never disrespect you.

Since they're religious,
I thought

I could try the whole
Virgin Mary thing and say...

it showed up in there
out of nowhere,

but they weren't
having any of it.

I don't know how it happened.

[sobbing]

It was honestly awful.

But then my dad
fell in love with Nico,

like, completely in love.

Obsessed, even.

So much so that he told me
that he believed me.

That Nico was my son
through divine intervention.

That God had blessed
the Megargees

with the second coming
of Christ.

Your dad thought Nico was Jesus?

Jess, he changed the will.

So that all the Megargee money
and assets and stuff

would go to me, not my brother.

And so it would eventually
go to Nico...

slash-toddler Jesus.

[sighs]

And then, before he could
sign the new will...

he was killed.

So, er, Will/Andrew was killed

by someone on Job Haven
called The Brutaliser.

So that's The... The Brutaliser.

B-R-U-T-A-L--

Did you ask Will
why he ghosted me?

Erm, no.

There wasn't a lot of time
before he was killed.

But you had time to make out.

Tim. He's dead.
None of this matters.

[clears throat] So,
your client's filled you in?

[Elliot] Yeah.

He's not my client.

My God, Tim.

This man actually broke into
my apartment three days ago

and came after me with a knife.

No. No.

That's not what happened.
We hooked up.

Like you hooked up with Will?

And he's dead now, right?

I'll forward my building's
CCTV footage to your office.

No, no,
that's not what happened.

You can't believe him.
It wasn't like that.

I swear to you.
Officer, please, please!

Tim, what the fuck
is wrong with you?

They're going to arrest me.

Please, just please, just...

Just let me talk to him, please.
I promise--

[Jess] Who is Nico's dad?
I never hear you talk about him.

Some guy... Sam.

Sam Kirkham.

He ran off after I got pregnant.

Sounds like an arsehole.

It's complicated.

That's actually
why I want to go to Ireland.

I kind of think he's there.

You wanna take him back
after he ditched you guys?

No.

Not exactly.
Er... after he left,

Chrysanthemum showed up
at my house.

Sam had sent her as a baby gift.

I just knew then
that he'd run out of fear,

not because he didn't care.

[Jess] You forgave him
for abandoning you?

Not at first, obviously,
but as time's gone on, I'm like,

I can't blame him
for being scared, you know.

We were, like, babies ourselves.

And who'd want to get wrapped up
with me anyway?

[sighs] Look at my family.

Look what my brother

did to our dad.

To my home.

Seriously depraved stuff.

Also, he sent
a ton of money with the horse,

so that helped me
forgive him a bit.

It is a pretty sexy way
to make amends.

[chuckles]

Yeah, well, Sam knew
that all my money

was controlled by the Megargees.

So, this is my freedom.

Now that shit's hit the fan,
I kind of feel like

it's the right time
to go find Sam, you know.

I don't want to keep my kid
from his father.

Do you think we could just
take that to the police?

Like, police
that isn't your brother?

I mean, if he used that
to kill your dad,

then surely it's evidence.

Yeah. [scoffs]

With my prints all over it now.

God, I really hate
looking at it.

You don't have to.

Thank you.

I have something for us.
We deserve it.

You want to get a little high?

- Oh, yes.
- [chuckles]

Fuck. What a week.

[mobile phone buzzing]

- It's Elliot.
- Jess, what?

Wha--

Tina! What the fuck?

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I...

My... my... my cop brother,
he can trace our phones.

Okay, but, like, at least
let me, like, back up my stuff.

- Don't you have the cloud?
- No, I do not have the cloud.

Remember when all those
celebrities got hacked

and their nudes got leaked?

[chuckling] I'm sorry, Jess.

I should've let you
back up your nudes

before I tossed your phone
in the sea.

Ha-ha.

Right. I'm gonna throw yours.

[both chuckle]

- [chuckles]
- [water splashes]

Shit!

[gasps]

[screaming]

- [yelps]
- You check something for me?

Can you look in me penis hole

and tell me
if you see a white pill?

[stammers]

It's just an antihistamine.

I've got terrible allergies.

- I think they might take it.
- [panting]

Oh, you're barely even looking.

- Go on.
- Oh, God!

- Stop!
- [door opens]

[Danny] Elliot Byrd.

I know you didn't kill anyone.

Come on.

Put it away.

[Elliot] It's just,
the other cop said that--

She's a twat, Elliot.

Okay. Erm...

So, did you figure out
who killed Andrew?

Was it The Brutaliser?

Look, I'm not supposed to
tell you this,

but with the night you've had,
you deserve a bit of peace.

We've got the shooter
in custody.

What, you've got The Brutaliser?

Sorry, who's that?

Your friend was killed
by a stray bullet

from a youth gang incident.

Yeah, I did it.
I killed that rando.

I was trying to shoot Big Bobby.

He's actually small though,
so I missed.

A completely random
freak accident.

Okay, but that's a kid.

I've never seen him before
in my life.

That... that can't be
The Brutaliser.

The Brutaliser didn't kill
your friend.

It was this little shit.

No, Andrew's death
can't be random.

People die randomly
every day, Elliot.

It's just that cruel.

Okay, I get that. Really, I do.

But The Brutaliser told Andrew

that he was going to
come after him

if he saw me again, okay?

So, like,
maybe this kid was paid

to do the dirty work
or something.

The investigation
is closed, Elliot.

Unless we're missing something.

Where's your friend Jessica?

I don't know. I don't think
we're friends any more.

You don't think?

No, she, like, ditched me

for this crazy girl
a couple days ago.

What crazy girl?

Christina Megargee.

Her and Jess
matched on this DNA app.

She says she's Jess' sister.

And I'm like, yeah,
of course you are

because what are the chances
that she appears

right when
that finger thing happened,

and all the stuff with Andrew.

So a Christina Megargee
got in touch with Jessica

to tell her that
she's her sister?

Yeah.

And now
they've run away together

to live their happy little
secret sister life

while I rot.

Okay, well, thank you, Elliot.
You are free to go.

- That's it?
- That's it.

Now, get in touch
if your hear anything.

Right. Er, yeah, sure.

I'm sorry about your friend.

Both your friends.

Okay, thank you.

See ya.

Thanks.

Who am I covering for anyway?

The Brutaliser.

[mobile phone buzzing]

Hi, Grandma.

Oh, Elliot.
Please tell me you're not ill.

Nearly all your aunt's
hen party friends

have come down
with equestrian flu

and can't come
to the wedding today.

Wow, today.

So I need you
to bring some bodies.

Maybe that shabby friend
of yours?

Er, Jess and I
aren't friends any more, Gran.

Good. Well,
gather up who you can.

We need plenty of people
in the room,

otherwise your aunt
will look pathetic.

Grandma, she is pathetic.

This wedding
is for someone who isn't real.

Elliot, that's not helpful
right now.

Someone is showing up,

and whether your aunt's fiance

is an American underwear model

or a duck-billed platypus
in a top hat,

she's getting married today,

and I need you here at...

[both] ...2:00 pm sharp

to welcome McCougley
as his best man.

Got it, Grandma.

Oh, my sweet Elliot.
I'm so lucky to have you.

We're in this together. Oh, yes.

And when your friends come,
make sure they're appropriate.

No transsexual dressing.

Yeah, no transsexuals
at the platypus-top hat wedding.

- Got it.
- Elliot...

[Jess] Nico's dad lives here?

Er, I did a bit of research,

and there's not
that many pygmy horse farms,

and there's only one
with a clover in its logo,

so this must be where
Chrysanthemum's from.

[Jess] She recognises the grass.

Come on.

So we'll always remember...

our little family.

- [gunshot]
- [screams]

[indistinct speech]

- [man] ...it's not productive.
- [crying]

Oh, my, fuck!

Elliot!

[laughing]

What are you doing here?

- I got arrested.
- Yeah.

She peed behind a car,
which turned out to be a hearse,

and there was a body inside.

It was Charlie's fault.

He ordered absinthe
like a total dick.

You know what
it does to me, girl.

What about you, Elliot?

Why are you here? Is it Jess?

Was she thrown into the clink
for being a hot bitch?

No.

She has run away
with her sister.

Jess has a sister?

Yes, apparently.

She, erm...

She got this DNA match
with some rando from uni

and, erm, well,
she's throwing her life away.

Oh, Jess. That's classic.

Wait, what rando from Uni?

Christina Megargee.

Oh, my God!

Tina!

Yeah, we did a creative writing
class together.

I loved her. She's amazing.

So talented.

Wait, she's Jess's sister?

Guys, did Peter
ever say anything

about wanting
to break up with me?

- Absolutely not.
- No.

- That's crazy.
- No.

Well, Jess said he did.

Jess is so fucking dumb, Elliot.

And she always lies.

Remember when she told me
Wakanda wasn't a real country?

Wait. So why are you here?

And why have you got
blood all over you?

Erm... this guy.

I, er, went on a date
with him last night.

He got... he was shot.
Got shot in front of me.

- [gasps]
- In the head.

- Did he die?
- Yeah, immediately.

Oh, Elliot. How dramatic.

You should not be alone
right now.

Yeah, Elliot,
you need to talk about it.

You can't just
keep it bottled in.

Aw.

[sniffs]

I'm... I'm sorry. I think
I do need to talk about it

because, erm,
it's just been a lot--

Wait, it's so cold.

Maybe your place is closest.

Come on. Karis, order a taxi.

[Elliot] And I'm literally
locked up all night,

and the police are saying
that this kid shot Andrew.

But they're fucking idiots.

I mean, obviously,
this Brutaliser did it.

Right? I mean,
he's trying to ruin my life.

- But why, Elliot?
- Yeah.

And you've also had
your life-ruining moment

with the whole Peter thing.

Wait. You don't think
Brutey killed Peter, do you?

We don't know if Peter's dead.

Well, he's not just bumbling
around without a finger

and half his blood, Karis.
Grow up.

- Charlie.
- Well,

I'm not gonna romanticize it.

- Enough!
- Enough yourself!

Okay, erm, let's get to it.

What do we know about
The Brutaliser guy, Elliot?

Well, just only that his name
is The Brutaliser

and that he's on Job Haven.

Okay, I've tracked down guys
with way less.

Okay, so first,
we'll keyword search

the word "Brutaliser"
under listings.

That's not the killer.

I know it.

[Charlie] Meet and greet
with The Brutalizer? No.

The Brutalizer action figure.
No.

Okay, so now,
we'll get more specific.

The Brutaliser... gay?

"Looking for a twink
to brutalise my..." Okay.

Not that.

"Seeking male actors, 20s,
for gay interactive theatre."

Wait, oh, my God, that's it.

[Charlie] "Seeking male actor,
20s, for gay--"

I was the one
reading it, Charlie.

Oh, my God, who cares?
It's not drama class.

"Must be comfortable
with kissing,

"light groping and manipulation.

-"Five-figure compensation."
- [mouthing]

[Charlie] Holy shit, Elliot.

Why you reading
like a news anchor?

- Like what was that?
- [mobile phone buzzing]

[Charlie] Okay, let me hear
you read it then.

[Karis] "Must be comfortable
with kissing, light--"

[Charlie repeats
gibberish mockingly]

- [Charlie] Shut up!
- [Karis] What's wrong with you?

Just didn't, mate...
It was shit. Honestly.

Why are you coming for me?

[door creaking]

I'm not here for you.

I'm here for Jess, so I can look
her in the eye while I fire her.

Well, she's run away
with her sister.

[scoffs] Like,
why didn't she tell me?

I really don't ask for much.

I really don't ask for much
from either of you.

Just decency.

[techno music playing]

Wait, Raphael.

Look, I'm really sorry, okay?

I shouldn't have blown you off
like that the other night.

It's just, I was really drunk,

and...

But that's not an excuse, okay?

It was rude to ignore
your messages like that.

Like, that's all fine.

Like, we didn't have to date.

You just didn't
have to make me feel stupid.

I know.

No, I handled it like shit
and it wasn't fair to you.

[Karis] Elliot, who's there?

You need to see what we found.

Oh, my God. Hi.

What did you find?

The Brutaliser's
fucked up, Elliot.

Hey, did Elliot tell you
we are solving an actual murder?

[Charlie] He's got
one other post,

and it's about poisoning people.

Nearly all your aunt's
hen party friends

have come down
with the equestrian flu.

My grandma said that
half my aunt's wedding guests

can't come to the wedding today

because they got sick
from the troughs at a hen do.

The Brutaliser is fucking
with Bonnie's wedding as well.

[Charlie] Sorry.

Why were there people
drinking out of troughs

at your aunt's hen do?

She... she put punch in them.

She's obsessed with horses.
It's... It's a joke.

The whole wedding's a joke.
She never even met the fiance.

They've never video chatted
or anything. He--

But he says he's an
American underwear model.

Your aunt has fallen in love
with a picture on the Internet.

Oh, my God,

I think Bonnie's getting married
to The Brutaliser.

Wait, wait, wait.
Elliot, slow down.

I am so lost.

How do you all feel about
a free bar at my Grandma's?

- Yes! Yes!
- Fuckin' yes!

Francine is Elliot's
loaded Grandma.

We used to go to her
holiday home.

And she thinks he's gay,
but, you know, he's...

she thinks he's straight now,
so it's all good, you know?

[rooster crowing]

[indistinct conversation]

- I'm sorry.
- Okay.

He ain't got a clue
about anything.

They sold the foal
through a third-party site

and he didn't know Sam.

[sighs]

Oh, my God.

I knew it was a leap, but fuck.

This was my only lead.

Well, let's just find
a place to stay for the night.

Okay.

Come on, Nico.

[chickens clucking]

Why is that foal
I sold you years ago

back at me farm?

[Tina] Can we rent your
Pine Hideout, please?

[innkeeper] I don't see why not.
Thank you.

[chuckles]

Honestly, I don't know why
I was so worried.

Life is good.

Like, this place
looks like a Pixar movie.

My son's happy,
and I've got you, my sister.

Real family.

- I love you.
- I love you, sis!

[both giggling]

Ugh...

Okay, I need to wee.
I'll be back.

I'll miss you.

[chuckles]

[indistinct chatter]

In case we're lost or taken
or found dead,

we are each other's
emergency contact permanently.

[tattoo machine whirring]

Ooh, I can feel it in my balls!

[dialling]

[line ringing]

[recording] You've reached
the voicemail of...

[Elliot] Elliot Byrd.

[recording] Please leave
a message after the tone.

[beep]

Elliot, it's me.

[inaudible]

I'm so fucking sorry.

I love you, okay?

And I need you
to know that because...

I don't know
if I'm ever gonna see you again.

I'm in a pub in literal Ireland,

and this town is, like,
a fairytale village.

Like, we went
to this mini-horse farm,

and the place we're renting is,
like, this little Irish cottage.

It is so cute.

It's in the middle
of these, like, green fields,

and there's this big fucking
tree in the front of it.

And it has
this little green Irish door,

and it's all really camp.

You would actually die.

It's... yeah. Er...

Erm... and obviously,

I'm here with Tina,
and I love her.

You know? She is my sister.

But you're my soul person.

I wish
I was doing it all with you.

Erm...

But-- Oh, oh! Erm...

Important thing.

The sexy police officer,
the hot one from Will's flat?

He is a Megargee.

He's Tina's half-brother
and he tried to kill me.

And Tina.

And he probably killed her dad.

He's some sexy psycho killer.

- [receiver slams]
- What the fuck, Jess?

What the fuck? I was just
telling Elliot where I was.

You can't be telling people
where we are.

I'm scared for Nico,
and for you.

Whatever. Let's just go then.

[indistinct chatter]

Elliot, you are the most
handsome man

to grace this Earth.

Thank you, Grandma.

Only second to Bonnie's fiance,
the underwear model.

[both chuckle]

Look Grandma, I don't want
to stress you out or anything,

but, like, what if McCougley

turns out to be
someone dangerous?

Anything you've thought of,
I've thought of.

Honeysuckle is a former
SAS officer.

I just don't trust him.

He's definitely
hiding something.

Yes, Elliot. His face
and his entire physical being.

If you know he's not real,

why are you letting
this wedding happen?

Because your aunt is a fool

and I can't do anything
to stop her.

What happened to that child
you were babysitting?

Oh, erm... he moved.

Elliot, you seem very on edge.

Is there something
you're not telling me?

- [gunshot]
- No, no, no, sorry.

I'm just tired, Grandma.

Mr Hamburgerson's car
is approaching, my lady.

Don't let him see me!

- Okay, let's go.
- Yes.

[trance music]

♪ Take a look
And then you'll see

♪ I'm the man

♪ One smile is all it took
'Cause I'm the man

♪ Yeah ♪

Wow.

[Elliot] Wait, Grandma.

Do you think it's possible
that Bonnie is the one

who used a fake photo?

Oh, stop it, Elliot.

She's not stupid or smart enough
to do such a thing.

Mrs Byrd, I am so chuffed
to be finally meeting.

[scoffs] You look
so much like your daughter.

What photograph
did Bonnie show you?

Just the one.

Where is the similarity to me?

The beauty, of course.

McCougley.
Am I pronouncing that correctly?

Yes. Cough, like... [coughs]

- It's a family name.
- You're not ill are you?

We can't afford to have
any more illness.

I'm not, no.

Elliot, would you show
Mr Hamburgerson

to the groom's suite?

Oh, Elliot.

My best man.

Thank you so much.

I'm confused by you, McCougley.

Why is that?

I just can't understand
how someone

who looks and acts like you
would want to marry Bonnie.

I know you and your aunt have
a strained relationship, Elliot,

but she's the most wonderful
person in the world to me.

Just tell me.
Were you hired to marry her?

[laughs] Jesus, Elliot. No.

Do you have a Job Haven account?

Uh, no, I have a job.

I'm a model.

Look, I get
why you're wary of me.

I admire that you're protective
of your family,

but I am truly and deeply
in love with Bonnifred.

Okay, but how? I mean, why?

Because of everything she is

and everything
she makes me feel.

Yes, but what specifics?

All of them.

She challenges me,
she makes me laugh,

she's been through hell
and come out stronger.

Sorry, what has Bonnie
been through?

An absentee father, a sister,

your mom dying tragically young.

Yeah, I guess, but that's...

And from I heard,
your grandmother

wasn't the easiest
to grow up with.

No, Francine is not that bad.

Not that bad if
you're who she wants you to be.

And I think we can both agree
it's impossible for Bonnie

to be anything but herself.

Have you ever
been in love, Elliot?

Yes.

Do you wanna love again?

- [gunshot]
- Er, no.

No?

No.

No, I found the love I want,

but then they disappeared
off the face of the Earth.

So there's literally
nothing left out there for me.

That's how I felt before Bonnie.

I had my heart broken when
the woman I thought I'd marry

told me she got pregnant

and wanted to raise our child
without me.

- Oh, fuck.
- Yeah, big fuck.

Thought I was gonna die over it.

But then, Bonnie and I connected
on a horsing subreddit

and fell in love.

The kind of love that made
all old ones irrelevant.

Kind of makes you wonder if
you ever truly loved before it.

I don't want to feel that way
about the old one, so.

But doesn't that kill you?

I mean, to hold onto that?

To believe
that it's the only love

you could ever experience?

I know you haven't had it easy
with Francine either.

Maybe you've sacrificed some of
your own happiness

to appease her?

I mean, that's just part
of being in a family, isn't it?

Will you help me
with my blindfold?

Er, yeah.

So, is this some sort of
religious thing or...

Oh, no, it's not that.
It's just...

The only thing Bonnie and I
have seen of each other

is our profile pics,

and our hearts
through written word.

That's been enough
to get us here,

so why not save the rest
till marriage?

I want to fully
trust our connection.

It is time for the nuptials.

It is time...

for the beginning of my life.

Oh, no, no, sorry.
That's the bed.

- Okay, just...
- Yeah, just this way.

Just straight, just straight.

Yeah, there you go.

[indistinct chattering]

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, it's a harp!

Just sit down, sit down.

[clears throat]

Ooh, petals.

See? No one else
is wearing ears.

[Raphael] Okay, your point?

What gorgeous ears.

I thought so, too.

Really, they're... wow.

Seeing you here like this

is the greatest thing
I've ever seen.

But how do you have the bravery
to do it all?

Let's chat later.

[Bonnie] You've seen him then?

- [Elliot] Mm-hmm.
- And?

You're really lucky, Bonnie.

I don't know you did it,
but he's the real deal.

[gasps] I knew it.

- He's amazing, isn't he?
- Mm-hmm.

Literally no clue
how you pulled him.

[harp playing angelic music]

[Charlie] El, he's so hot.

[shushes]

Is he... is he right there
in front of me?

Yeah, yeah, he is.

- Oh.
- It's you.

[officiant] We will now begin.

Do you, Bonnifred Byrd...

- [snoring]
- ...take McCougley Hamburgerson

as your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you,
McCougley Hamburgerson,

take Bonnifred Byrd
as your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

You may now
remove your blindfolds

and kiss the bride.

- Oh, that's my nose.
- Oh, sorry, sorry.

[cheering and applause]

Aw.

Yes!

[Tina] Yeah,
thank you very much.

[Nico] No problem, Mummy...

[Nico speaking indistinctly]

Nico, how do you like
your new house?

[Nico] It's my favourite.

[Tina laughs]

[Tina] Go in
and pick out your room.

Wow.

[music box plays]

[Francine] He's obviously
emotionally disturbed,

but good for Bonnie.

I don't know.

Maybe Bonnie's not so bad
with other people.

Oh, don't give her
credit, Elliot.

Your auntie is not
a good person.

- She's literally your daughter.
- So I should know!

- Hello, Elliot.
- Oh!

Janelle.

I see you kept your word.

[Janelle, echoing] Whatever else
you saw on those tapes,

if you tell a soul,
I promise to ruin your life.

Glad to see the equestrian virus

didn't get you.

[shrieks]

Why would I drink
from a horse trough?

I'm not an animal.

What are you hiding, Janelle?

[indistinct chatter, laughter]

I get that she's your aunt,

but that is a wild couple.

[Elliot] Okay, so McCougley
isn't the Brutaliser, but

- I think I figured out who is.
- [both] Who?

Look, can you please
take those off

before my grandma
has an aneurysm?

But this is how I dress.

Okay, but you're not supposed to
express yourself here.

Wow. Why are you
suddenly so bothered

about how I dress, Elliot?

Wait, wait, wait, Elliot.
Who is The Brutaliser?

My ex-boss, Janelle.

She hates me,

and she didn't drink
from the hen party troughs.

She's definitely
hiding something.

God, Elliot.

Are you sure it's your Grandma
who's the bigot?

What are you talking about?

That woman is not trying
to ruin your life.

She's just a furry like me,
but buried deep in the closet.

[Charlie] Okay.

Be honest, is it a sex thing?

It's not a sex thing.

- Really?
- I mean, it's part of it, but--

[McCougley] Elliot.
Over here, best man.

Yo!

Sorry.

[indistinct whispering]

- Hey.
- What is up, best man?

I got you a best man gift.

Aw!

Just a small token of gratitude
and a little piece of my heart

for my cool-ass nephew.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Er, I'll see you by the cake.

Oh, fuck.

[applause]

[violin playing]

I love you
with all my heart, baby.

I can't wait to show you Asprey.

Bruce!

[laughing]

Can I get a best man's speech?

Oh, yeah.

- That's amazing.
- [Elliot] Yeah? Okay.

Er, hi, everyone.

Elliot, what are you gonna say?

It's got nothing
to do with you, Bonnie.

It's my wedding, Elliot.

I hope you're not
going to embarrass me

on the happiest day of my life.

- [guests chuckling]
- Okay.

- Let's talk privately then.
- Darling, what's this about?

Oh, don't "darling" her,
you phoney.

- Elliot!
- What? Ask him.

Ask him who The Brutaliser is.

Bonnie knows and loves
The Brutaliser, Elliot.

He's the iconic mascot

of the greatest football team
on Earth,

my New Jersey Mobsters.

What's the matter, Elliot?
Do you not like your gift?

No, I don't like my gift,
you freak.

These are Brutaliser cuff links.

The same Brutaliser
who hired Andrew.

Don't you fucking tell me
it's a lie, because I know--

Oh, I'm the Brutaliser,
you arse wipe!

[people gasping]

I paid that guy
to go out with you.

All in the name of true love.

My true love, Elliot. Not yours.

What? What are you
even talking about?

McCougley and I fell in love.

Real love.

And when you love somebody,

sometimes you send them money.

And I did that
for my love, McCougley.

And then my bitch of a mother
cut me off,

and literally left me
in squalor.

And then McCougley proposed
to me because he loves me.

We applied to 90 Day Fiance

so that they'd sponsor his visa
and the wedding,

but those idiots turned us down.

We couldn't afford
the wedding we deserve,

and all this time,

Mum is sending
your lying gay arse

as much cash as you want.

I knew you didn't just stop
being gay.

You're such a liar, Elliot.

So, I had the genius idea of
exposing your lies to Francine.

So she'd hate you again
and only like me,

and send me money and not you.

So, I went online
and I hired an actor.

Someone I could get you
in a gay pic with.

- And I got that gay pic.
- [shutter clicks]

Well, why didn't you
show Grandma?

I did show her, immediately.

And she said
never to mention it again,

and if I shut up about it,

she'd carry on
paying for everything.

Oh, thank God you picked up.

I've had a horrible day.

But she made me swear
never to tell you what I'd done.

You're still
the favourite, Elliot.

But I got the wedding I wanted,

and the chance
to watch you suffer

like the ugly little loser
that you are.

Did you know it was actually you

who gave me the idea
for this whole thing?

Yeah. I heard you
talking with Mum

about how the only way someone
who looks like McCougley

would ever give someone like me
the time of day

was if he were a paid actor.

You made Andrew leave
a fake finger?

And you killed him
when you saw us together.

- [guests gasp]
- [Bonnie] Please.

The only thing I did
was tell him to kiss you

and then fuck off forever.

I didn't do anything
with a finger,

and I certainly didn't
murder him, you shit bag.

But then why would you poison
your own troughs?

I didn't want any competition
showing up...

in case McCougley liked them
more than me.

Hey, never.

[woman] Aw.

[shushes]

How awkward.

This family.

Okay, don't look now,

but is that guy over there
checking me out or what?

[breath shaking]

[Francine] Elliot.

Why didn't you say anything
if you knew, Grandma?

I know what happened
to Peter Ono.

[narrator on TV] Here,
we see the distinctive

keel-shaped tail
of the great-tailed...

I'll go get another bottle.

Yes.

...perch on branches
with its toes,

feet pointing forward...

Can I have some juice,
Auntie Jess?

Yeah, go on.

Where does your mum keep 'em?

In the bag.

[Jess sighs]

[TV chatter continues]

Holy shit!

[Elliot] He loved that jumper.
Can't believe we never found it.

Peter, he was...

he was killed
by the reverend's daughter.

[Nico] That's my daddy.

[Tina] Why are you
snooping, Jess?

[dramatic music playing]

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