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[DOOR OPENS]
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-Hi.
-Oh, who are you?
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I'm Shirley Bassey,
I'm doing the show tonight.
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-Oh, right, you're doing the show tonight.
-Mm-hm.
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Great. You can brush my rat.
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What? I have to brush your rat?
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Everybody pitches in around here.
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Oh, good. Then you can comb my crocodile.
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[YELLS]
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They warned me about this show,
so I came prepared.
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It's The Muppet Show,
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with our very special guest star,
Shirley Bassey. Yeah!
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[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
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♪ It's time to play the music ♪
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♪ It's time to light the lights ♪
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♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪
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♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪
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♪ It's time to dress up right ♪
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♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪
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♪ Why do we always come here? ♪
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♪ I guess we'll never know ♪
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♪ It's like a kind of torture ♪
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-♪ To have to watch this show ♪
-♪ To have to watch this show ♪
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♪ But now let's get things started ♪
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♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪
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♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪
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♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪
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♪ This is what we call ♪
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♪ The Muppet Show ♪
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[ROOSTER CROWS]
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Camilla, your uncle's calling.
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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Thank you, thank you. Hi-ho,
and welcome to The Muppet Show.
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It's going to be a wonderful show tonight,
because our guest star
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is one of the world's great singers,
Miss Shirley Bassey.
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[AUDIENCE GASPS]
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Yes. But first,
how would you like to boogie?
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Well, then, get thee to a barnyard!
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[PLAYING LIVELY BLUES MUSIC]
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♪ Oink, oink ♪
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♪ Moo, moo ♪
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-♪ Oink, oink ♪
-♪ Moo ♪
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-♪ Oink, oink ♪
-♪ Moo, moo ♪
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♪ Oh, yeah ♪
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-♪ Quack, quack, quack ♪
-♪ Peep, peep ♪
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-♪ Said the chick in the barnyard pen ♪
-♪ Quack, quack ♪
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-♪ Said the duck, "Won't you let me in?" ♪
-♪ Cluck, cluck, cluck ♪
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♪ Said the little white hen ♪
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♪ Let's boogie in the barnyard ♪
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-♪ Baa, baa ♪
-♪ Said the sheep, "Promenade off home" ♪
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-♪ Moo, moo ♪
-♪ Said the cow, "Let the butter roll" ♪
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-♪ Cluck, cluck, cluck ♪
-♪ Said the little white hens ♪
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♪ Let's boogie in the barnyard ♪
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♪ Well, the barnyard was jumpin' ♪
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♪ Everybody having their fling ♪
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♪ Even Old MacDonald
Had to do a little corny swing ♪
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-♪ Bow wow ♪
-♪ Said the dog in the circus top ♪
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-♪ Meow ♪
-♪ Said the cat "Now, please don't stop" ♪
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-♪ Cluck, cluck, cluck ♪
-♪ Said the little white hen ♪
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♪ Let's boogie in the barnyard ♪
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Take it.
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♪ Boogie, boogie, boogie ♪
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♪ Yes, even Uncle Ezra
Got caught with a dozen eggs ♪
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That's right.
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♪ I saw Aunt Suzy chase the chicken
With the bandy legs, mm-hm ♪
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♪ Bow wow ♪
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♪ Bow wow ♪
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♪ Meow ♪
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♪ Meow ♪
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♪ Cluck, cluck, cluck ♪
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♪ Said the little white hen
Let's boogie in the barnyard ♪
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-♪ Peep, peep ♪
-♪ Quack, quack ♪
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-♪ Cluck, cluck ♪
-♪ Moo, moo ♪
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♪ Meow, bow wow ♪
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♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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Boogie! Boogie! Boogie! Boogie!
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-♪ Boo, boo! ♪
-♪ Say the men in the theater box ♪
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-♪ Don't boogie in the barnyard ♪
-♪ Don't boogie in the barnyard ♪
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Very good, barnyard animals.
Nicely mooed, oinked, and clucked.
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What about me?
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Okay. "Baa'd."
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I thought it was good.
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-Out, out, out!
-Oh.
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I hate sheep shots.
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Okay, on-stage, Dancing Sacks.
Dancing Sacks, on-stage, please.
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Hey, chief, you know in Shirley Bassey's
closing number, "Goldfinger"
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-how you wanted the set painted gold?
-Right.
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-We don't have any gold paint.
-What?
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Best we can do is kind of a rust color.
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Scooter,
she's not going to sing "Rustfinger."
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Haven't you got something closer to gold?
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What if we bring in some ice
and she sings "Coldfinger"?
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-Will you go out and get some paint now?
-Yes, boss.
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-[AUDIENCE BOOING]
-Kermit, those sacks are really boring.
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-Oh, well, sack the sacks.
-Yes, sir.
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On-stage, Shirley Bassey.
Shirley Bassey, on-stage, please.
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It's all your fault.
You've got no sense of rhythm.
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Ah, shut up, you old bag!
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Okay, in sharp contrast to that last act,
what could be more different
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than the dramatic sophistication
of our lovely talented guest star?
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Ladies and gentlemen,
the dynamic Miss Shirley Bassey! Yeah!
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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♪ Don't believe my eyes ♪
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♪ They're the coldest eyes ♪
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♪ But they're not so cold ♪
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♪ Let me put you wise ♪
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♪ Keeping the temperature so low ♪
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♪ This is a work of art ♪
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♪ For there's a fire down below ♪
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♪ Down below in my heart ♪
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♪ And my crazy lips ♪
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♪ They're such lazy lips ♪
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♪ But they'll come to life ♪
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♪ Should we come to grips ♪
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♪ If you have anything in mind ♪
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♪ Warn you before you start ♪
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♪ There is a fire down below ♪
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♪ Down below in my heart ♪
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♪ Now that you're getting my number ♪
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♪ Know what I'm talking about ♪
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♪ Pile on the coal and the lumber ♪
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♪ Don't let the fire go out ♪
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♪ Call out the volunteer brigade ♪
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♪ Haul out the fire cart ♪
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♪ For there's a fire down below ♪
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♪ Down below, down below ♪
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♪ Down below in my heart ♪
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♪ Down below in my heart ♪
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♪ Down below in my heart ♪
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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-"Fire Down Below." Great number.
-Thanks.
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Thanks?
You didn't write "Fire Down Below."
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No, but the guy who did
had just had a bowl of my chili.
135
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Okay, nice number.
Those fake gold bars looked very good.
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-Hey, Kermit. I got some news.
-Hm? You got the gold paint?
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We don't need the paint.
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-Why not?
-Oh, you'll see, come here.
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Hey, Bruno? Bruno.
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[GASPS]
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Bruno, this is Kermit.
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It's a frog!
You didn't say nothing about no frog.
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Oh, he's okay.
144
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You see, I saw Bruno across the street
parked in an armored van.
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He's loaning us the gold
for Shirley Bassey's number.
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-Oh, that's very nice of you.
-Yeah, he's a big fan.
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-Yeah, I love her.
-Uh-huh.
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That's real gold?
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Yeah, you bet, mac.
Fifty million bucks' worth.
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Wow, I've never even touched
real gold before.
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-Ah!
-Aah!
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Nobody touches this gold except me.
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[STAMMERING]
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Uh, yes, sir.
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I still don't trust the frog.
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Something about the eyes.
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Well, he's okay, Bruno, honest.
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Yeah? Do you know
what 50 million bucks means to a frog?
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Anyway, if one of these gold bars is mi--
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Okay, up against the desk there.
Spread them out.
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-What did you do with it?
-But, Bruno,
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it couldn't have been him.
He was right here.
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Yeah? You know how fast these frogs are?
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You ever seen one catch a fly?
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Ooh. Ooh.
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Oh. Ahem.
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Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs
where the future is being made today.
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For centuries, alchemists have labored
in vain, trying to turn lead into gold.
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Ooh-hoo!
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That would be so snazzy.
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Now, this machine
cannot turn lead into gold,
172
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:19,786
but it can do the next best thing.
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It can turn gold into cottage cheese.
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Now, here's my assistant, Beaker,
with a nice shiny bright bar of gold.
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Let's put it in the machine, Beaker.
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[BEAKER GRUNTS]
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That's good.
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Now we turn the machine on.
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[WHIRRING]
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Ha.
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All right, wise guy, why'd you do it?
Come on, I know you took it!
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Come on, you tell me where it is!
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[BEAKER SCREAMING]
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So the experiment is complete.
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-What did he do with the gold?
-Why, he put it right in the machine here.
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This is cottage cheese!
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Low in cholesterol, high in vitamins.
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[YELLING]
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[KNOCK ON DOOR]
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Come in.
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-Oh, excuse me, Miss Bassey.
-Yes?
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-Here's that cottage cheese you ordered.
-Oh, thank you, Scooter.
193
00:11:25,477 --> 00:11:28,146
I do like a light snack
in between numbers.
194
00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:29,814
Yeah.
195
00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:33,526
-Are you sure this is fresh?
-Well, yeah. Why do you ask?
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00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:39,282
You call this a light snack?
197
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:40,700
-Well...
-[CLANGS]
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00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:43,203
No.
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00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:51,878
[PLAYING MUTED TRUMPET]
200
00:13:06,578 --> 00:13:08,663
[PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]
201
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:19,776
[CRASHING]
202
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,314
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
203
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:11,286
I tell you, Shirley,
it makes me feel weird.
204
00:15:11,369 --> 00:15:13,997
It's sitting right there
next to Kermit's desk.
205
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:17,417
Fifty million dollars' worth of gold.
206
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:21,004
Just try to ignore it, Fozzie.
It's only money.
207
00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:24,466
But, Shirley, 50 million dollars?
208
00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:27,302
Do you know how many jokes that would buy?
209
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,055
Your kind of jokes?
210
00:15:30,138 --> 00:15:31,473
Quite a few.
211
00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:36,311
No, no, really.
I have an expensive gag writer.
212
00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:39,397
Gags Beasley, he charges 50 cents a laugh.
213
00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:41,316
-Does he?
-Yeah. A dollar--
214
00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:45,695
-A dollar for a Boffo belly-grabber.
-"Boffo belly-grabber"?
215
00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:50,408
Wait, if you divide a Boffo belly-grabber
into 50 million dollars--
216
00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:53,578
-Do you know how many laughs I could--?
-Fozzie, Fozzie.
217
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:56,539
There are many more things in life.
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00:15:57,582 --> 00:16:00,877
-Let me tell you a little story, okay?
-Okay.
219
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:04,673
♪ A long time ago ♪
220
00:16:04,756 --> 00:16:09,678
♪ A million years B.C. ♪
221
00:16:09,761 --> 00:16:12,430
♪The best things in life ♪
222
00:16:12,514 --> 00:16:18,144
♪ Were absolutely free ♪
223
00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:23,233
♪ But no one appreciated ♪
224
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:28,113
♪ A sky that was always blue ♪
225
00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:33,910
♪ And no one congratulated ♪
226
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:41,292
♪ A moon that was always new ♪
227
00:16:42,419 --> 00:16:44,421
♪ So it was planned ♪
228
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:49,092
♪ That they would vanish now and then ♪
229
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:51,302
♪ And you must pay ♪
230
00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:55,724
♪ Before you get them back again ♪
231
00:16:56,766 --> 00:17:02,105
♪ That's what storms were made for ♪
232
00:17:03,148 --> 00:17:10,447
♪ And you shouldn't be afraid for ♪
233
00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:19,706
♪ Every time it rains, it rains ♪
234
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:25,920
♪ Pennies from heaven ♪
235
00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:33,553
♪ Don't you know each cloud contains ♪
236
00:17:34,596 --> 00:17:39,059
♪ Pennies from heaven ♪
237
00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:47,025
♪ You'll find your fortune falling ♪
238
00:17:47,108 --> 00:17:52,739
♪ All over town ♪
239
00:17:53,782 --> 00:17:59,746
♪ Be sure that your umbrella ♪
240
00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:04,918
♪ Is upside down ♪
241
00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:12,008
♪ Trade them for a package of ♪
242
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:18,014
♪ Sunshine and showers ♪
243
00:18:18,098 --> 00:18:19,891
Wait, wait, wait.
244
00:18:19,974 --> 00:18:25,105
♪ If you want the things you love ♪
245
00:18:26,815 --> 00:18:31,194
♪ You must have showers ♪
246
00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:33,405
Wait, wait, wait.
247
00:18:33,488 --> 00:18:39,536
♪ So when you hear it thunder ♪
248
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:46,918
♪ Don't run under a tree ♪
249
00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:49,462
Wait, wait, wait.
250
00:18:49,546 --> 00:18:52,674
♪ There'll be pennies ♪
251
00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:56,386
♪ From heaven ♪
252
00:18:56,469 --> 00:19:02,100
♪ For you ♪
253
00:19:02,183 --> 00:19:09,357
♪ And me ♪
254
00:19:09,441 --> 00:19:10,608
Now go for it!
255
00:19:10,692 --> 00:19:11,985
Yes! Yes, yes!
256
00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:14,404
Hey! It's mine. Wait, Rizzo.
257
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:17,365
It's mine. Give me-- Come on, come on.
258
00:19:17,449 --> 00:19:19,784
Here is a Muppet News Flash.
259
00:19:19,868 --> 00:19:21,953
Tight security surrounds The Muppet Show
260
00:19:22,037 --> 00:19:26,166
with the theater holding
over $50 million in gold bullion.
261
00:19:26,249 --> 00:19:29,294
Trained guards watch the precious metal
round the clock
262
00:19:29,377 --> 00:19:34,674
and dire consequences will befall anyone
who so much as lays a finger on it.
263
00:19:34,758 --> 00:19:36,051
Like so.
264
00:19:37,594 --> 00:19:39,179
[YELLING]
265
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,935
Doctor!
266
00:19:49,439 --> 00:19:52,609
They're gonna be all right.
But stay with them.
267
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:58,239
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
The Great Gonzo conducts "Liebestraum"
268
00:19:58,323 --> 00:20:00,408
while dueling a giant crab.
269
00:20:00,492 --> 00:20:01,910
Oh, boy.
270
00:20:01,993 --> 00:20:03,661
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
271
00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:06,331
Thank you. Thank you, culture fans.
272
00:20:06,414 --> 00:20:10,710
And now, classical music meets seafood.
273
00:20:14,798 --> 00:20:17,342
[PLAYING SLOW CLASSICAL MUSIC]
274
00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:40,782
Now! En garde!
275
00:20:42,325 --> 00:20:45,286
Somebody get the Guinness Book of Records
on the phone.
276
00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:46,413
[YELLS]
277
00:20:47,831 --> 00:20:50,041
Back, you little crustacean!
278
00:20:53,086 --> 00:20:54,295
En garde!
279
00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:56,172
Oh, no!
280
00:20:57,215 --> 00:20:58,425
Not you too!
281
00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:00,635
[GONZO YELLS]
282
00:21:00,719 --> 00:21:03,346
Wait, this is too violent
for a family show.
283
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,766
It's only a flesh wound.
284
00:21:09,019 --> 00:21:11,104
Okay. That was tough luck, Gonzo.
285
00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:12,772
Oh, tough luck?
286
00:21:12,856 --> 00:21:15,608
Au contraire, mon ami.
287
00:21:15,692 --> 00:21:16,985
Spanish.
288
00:21:17,068 --> 00:21:21,656
You have just witnessed the birth
of a great new show business partnership.
289
00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:24,117
Gonzo and Buster.
290
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:27,704
Buster? The crab's name is--?
Of course it is.
291
00:21:30,165 --> 00:21:32,208
I just don't understand.
292
00:21:32,292 --> 00:21:33,668
What? Uh, Gonzo?
293
00:21:33,752 --> 00:21:35,337
No. Shirley Bassey.
294
00:21:35,420 --> 00:21:38,048
What's she doing on a show like this?
295
00:21:38,131 --> 00:21:41,593
Right now, she's gonna sing,
so why don't you get that gold on-stage?
296
00:21:41,676 --> 00:21:43,470
-Okay.
-Come on, on-stage.
297
00:21:43,553 --> 00:21:46,389
Hey. Where do you think you're going?
298
00:21:46,473 --> 00:21:48,558
Well, I was going to introduce Shirley.
299
00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:50,894
-Well, go on then.
-Yes, sir.
300
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:54,856
Keep an eye on that frog.
301
00:21:57,108 --> 00:22:00,236
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
we've had a few artists on The Muppet Show
302
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:04,157
who have solid gold records,
and Shirley Bassey is no exception.
303
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:08,203
But she is the only guest we've ever had
with a solid gold set.
304
00:22:08,286 --> 00:22:09,996
Yes, no expense spared.
305
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:14,918
So please welcome the inestimable,
the priceless Miss Shirley Bassey! Yeah!
306
00:22:15,001 --> 00:22:17,087
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
307
00:22:17,170 --> 00:22:19,255
[BAND PLAYING "GOLDFINGER"]
308
00:22:29,349 --> 00:22:34,437
♪ Goldfinger ♪
309
00:22:34,521 --> 00:22:36,022
♪ He's the man ♪
310
00:22:36,106 --> 00:22:40,652
♪ The man with the Midas touch ♪
311
00:22:41,903 --> 00:22:44,948
♪ A spider's touch ♪
312
00:22:47,283 --> 00:22:50,995
♪ Such a cold finger ♪
313
00:22:53,123 --> 00:22:59,212
♪ Beckons you to enter his web of sin ♪
314
00:23:00,255 --> 00:23:05,552
♪ But don't go in ♪
315
00:23:05,635 --> 00:23:09,264
♪ Golden words he will pour in your ear ♪
316
00:23:10,306 --> 00:23:14,644
♪ But his lies can't disguise
What you fear ♪
317
00:23:14,728 --> 00:23:17,814
♪ For a golden girl ♪
318
00:23:17,897 --> 00:23:20,817
♪ Knows when he's kissed her ♪
319
00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:23,695
♪ It's the kiss of death ♪
320
00:23:23,778 --> 00:23:28,616
♪ From Mister Goldfinger ♪
321
00:23:30,702 --> 00:23:36,666
♪ Pretty girl
Beware of his heart of gold ♪
322
00:23:37,959 --> 00:23:42,797
♪ His heart is cold ♪
323
00:23:42,881 --> 00:23:46,885
♪ Golden words he will pour in your ear ♪
324
00:23:47,927 --> 00:23:52,223
♪ But his lies can't disguise
What you fear ♪
325
00:23:52,307 --> 00:23:55,226
♪ For a golden girl ♪
326
00:23:55,310 --> 00:23:57,145
♪ Knows when he's kissed her ♪
327
00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:01,816
♪ It's the kiss of death ♪
328
00:24:01,900 --> 00:24:06,613
♪ From Mister Goldfinger ♪
329
00:24:08,615 --> 00:24:14,662
♪ Pretty girl
Beware of his heart of gold ♪
330
00:24:15,747 --> 00:24:20,377
♪ This heart is cold ♪
331
00:24:20,460 --> 00:24:24,547
♪ He loves only gold ♪
332
00:24:24,631 --> 00:24:28,593
♪ Only gold ♪
333
00:24:28,677 --> 00:24:32,222
♪ He loves gold ♪
334
00:24:32,305 --> 00:24:36,601
♪ He loves only gold ♪
335
00:24:36,685 --> 00:24:41,022
♪ Only gold ♪
336
00:24:41,106 --> 00:24:43,608
♪ He loves ♪
337
00:24:43,692 --> 00:24:50,990
♪ Gold ♪
338
00:24:51,074 --> 00:24:53,159
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
339
00:25:06,631 --> 00:25:10,135
Well, it looks like we've mined
all the gold we can from this show.
340
00:25:10,218 --> 00:25:13,888
But before we head for the claims office,
let's bring back our wonderful guest star.
341
00:25:13,972 --> 00:25:16,433
Ladies and gentlemen, Shirley Bassey. Yay!
342
00:25:16,516 --> 00:25:19,644
[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
343
00:25:21,479 --> 00:25:24,107
Thank you, Kermit. I loved the show.
344
00:25:24,190 --> 00:25:27,110
It was lots of fun and full of surprises.
345
00:25:27,193 --> 00:25:28,695
-Surprises?
-Mm-hm.
346
00:25:28,778 --> 00:25:29,863
[KERMIT GASPS]
347
00:25:29,946 --> 00:25:31,990
Bruno, you apologize this minute!
348
00:25:32,073 --> 00:25:37,537
Okay, okay. I'm sorry I accused you.
It was Shirley Bassey all the time.
349
00:25:37,620 --> 00:25:41,249
-It was Kermit who staged the--
-The frog! I knew it was the frog.
350
00:25:41,332 --> 00:25:43,877
We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.
351
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,837
[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
352
00:26:21,206 --> 00:26:23,291
I bought gold back when it was cheap.
353
00:26:23,375 --> 00:26:24,959
Really? Where is it now?
354
00:26:25,043 --> 00:26:26,753
Aah.
26477
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