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[KNOCK ON DOOR]
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Bernadette Peters.
Oh, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Peters.
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Thanks, Scooter, and, uh,
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thank the Swedish Chef for sending in
this lovely chicken sandwich.
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[CLUCKING]
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Suddenly, I'm not hungry.
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It's The Muppet Show, with our special
guest star, Miss Bernadette Peters.
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[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
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♪ It's time to play the music ♪
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♪ It's time to light the lights ♪
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♪ It's time to meet The Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪
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♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪
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♪ It's time to dress up right ♪
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♪ It's time to get things started ♪
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No, please, don't make me watch it.
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♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪
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♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪
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♪ This is what we call ♪
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♪ The Muppet Show ♪
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[HONKS]
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Okay, thank you, thank you, thank you.
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Right, and welcome again
to The Muppet Show.
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We have a wonderful show, our guest star
is one of the all-time multitalented,
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beautiful ladies of the world,
Miss Bernadette Peters.
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
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Okay, but first of all,
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we've got an opening number,
which features me.
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I do sing and dance,
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so you'll know I'm not just
another pretty face.
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Uh, Kermie, my love?
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-About the opening, it is a duet.
-That's true.
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I wish you'd told me earlier.
I don't have time to learn the lyrics.
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Oh, that's okay,
I'm doing it with Miss Mousie.
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Miss Mousie? Miss Mousie!
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♪ How could you believe me
When I said I love you ♪
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♪ When you know
I've been a liar all my life ♪
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♪ You've had that reputation
Since you were a youth ♪
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♪ I must have been insane to think
That you'd tell the truth ♪
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♪ How could you believe me
When I said we'd marry ♪
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♪ When you know I'd rather hang
Than have a wife ♪
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♪ I know you said I'll make you mine ♪
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♪ But who would know that you would go
For that old line ♪
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♪ How could you believe me
When I said I love you ♪
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♪ When you know I've been a liar ♪
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♪ Nothing but a liar ♪
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♪ All my doggone cheating life ♪
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♪ You said that you would love me long ♪
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♪ Never would do me wrong ♪
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♪ And faithful you'd always be ♪
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♪ Oh, baby, you must be loony to trust
A lower than low two-timer like me ♪
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♪ You said that I'd have everything ♪
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♪ A beautiful diamond ring ♪
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♪ A bungalow by the sea ♪
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♪ You're really naive to ever believe
A full of baloney phony like me ♪
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♪ Say, how about the time
You went to Indiana ♪
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♪ I was lying, I was down in Ala-bam ♪
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♪ You said you had some business
You had to complete ♪
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♪ What I was doing
I would be a cad to repeat ♪
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♪ What about the evenings
You were with your mother ♪
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♪ I was romping with another honey lamb ♪
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♪ To think you swore our love was real ♪
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♪ But, baby, let us not forget
That I'm a heel ♪
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♪ How could you believe me
When I said I love you ♪
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♪ When you know I've been a liar ♪
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♪ Nothing but a liar ♪
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♪ All my doggone no good ♪
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♪ Good for nothing life ♪
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-Boo! Hiss! Terrible, I hated it.
-Boo!
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Really? I kind of liked it.
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Well, the pig doesn't have you
in a hammerlock. Oh!
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-Boo! Hiss! Boo!
-Boo!
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Let's see if I've got it right now.
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[CLEARS THROAT]
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Uncle Kermit, despite my small size
and diminutive stature...
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Okay. Listen, big monsters onstage
for the Bernadette Peters number.
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Come on, you guys. Move it. Move it.
Come on. Move it. Move it.
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Look out, you almost stepped on me.
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KERMIT: Aw, come on, you can't go onstage
looking like that.
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Get back out here.
You gotta brush your hair.
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Bernadette Peters is a big star.
You gotta clean up.
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Come on, we don't have much time.
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Aw.
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Nobody ever notices me.
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Uh, Uncle Kermit, despite my small size
and diminutive stature...
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Hurry up! The number's about to start!
Get onstage!
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...and I want a feature part in the show!
Oh, rats.
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And now, one of the loveliest ladies
in all of show business...
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Kermie, you're not bringing
that Miss Mousie back, are you?
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No, this is our guest star,
Bernadette Peters.
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You're not singing with her, are you?
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She's working with some of our big, ugly,
shaggy beasts.
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-Sounds like Miss Mousie.
-Will you get out of here?
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Ladies and gentlemen,
the beautiful Miss Bernadette Peters.
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[BAND PLAYING]
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♪ Take a little one-step
Two-step, three-step ♪
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♪ Come a little closer, please ♪
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♪ Like a rose that blows in every breeze ♪
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♪ Take a little one-step
Two-step, three-step ♪
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♪ Then a little dip, like this ♪
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♪ Here's a step we can't afford to miss ♪
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♪ And then you glide and you slide ♪
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♪ Keeping close to my side ♪
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♪ Oh, boy, let's go, boy
That music's tickling every toe, boy ♪
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♪ Take a little kick
A wide and free step ♪
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♪ Then a little one-step
Two-step, three-step ♪
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♪ Every little step means I love you ♪
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♪ And then you glide and you slide ♪
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♪ Keeping close to my side ♪
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Boys, close to my side.
Thank you very much.
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♪ Oh, boy, let's go, boy ♪
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♪ That music's tickling every toe, boy ♪
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♪ Take a little kick
A wide and free step ♪
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♪ Then a little one-step
Two-step, three-step ♪
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♪ Every little step means I love ♪
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♪ Every little step means I love ♪
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♪ Every little step mean I love you ♪
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Wow, wonderful, wonderful.
That Bernadette Peters is terrific.
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-I reserve judgment.
-Until when?
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Until the pig tells me what to say.
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-Bernadette Peters you can like.
-I loved her, loved her!
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It's the mouse you gotta hate.
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-I hated her. Rotten!
-Terrible mouse.
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-Boo!
-Boo!
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ROBIN: Gee, I'm so small,
they don't even see me most of the time.
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And then when they do, they don't think
I can do anything right.
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Well, I'll show them. I'm running away.
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The next time they turn around
and don't see me, I'll be gone.
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Then they'll see I can do something right.
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Oh, rats.
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[PLAYING "CHOPSTICKS"]
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[CLUCKING]
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NARRATOR:
And now, Veterinarian's HospitaI.
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The continuing story of a quack
who's gone to the dogs.
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Testing, one, two, three. Hmm? Oh.
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Over here, Dr. Bob.
Here's your next patient.
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Oh. Hey, this is just a shoe.
What happened to the rest of him?
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Maybe he got cold feet.
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Now, let's see what's wrong with him. Aha!
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-It's an eight and a half triple D.
-Eight and a half triple D?
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That's about the size of it.
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Dr. Bob, what are you going to start on?
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The shoe string.
A lot of people start on a shoestring.
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-What do you think, Dr. Bob?
-Simple. It's arsenic poisoning.
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-Arsenic?
-Sure, just look at this old lace.
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Arsenic and Old Lace.
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Dr. Bob, Dr. Bob, that's an old show.
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-Well, that's an old shoe.
-Well, that's an old joke.
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Oh, Dr. Bob, aren't you going
to examine the patient?
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Uh, yes. Hey, shoe,
stick out your tongue and say "ah."
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SHOE:
Ah.
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Dr. Bob, the tongue has a coat on it.
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-Of course, it's cold outside.
-How do you know?
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♪ Oh, the leather outside is frightful ♪
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Dr. Bob, you're not going
to sing a song now, are you?
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Why not? There's no business
like shoe-business.
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NARRATOR: So, once again,
Dr. Bob is barking up the wrong shoe tree.
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Tune in next time,
when you'll hear Nurse Piggy,
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Nurse Janice, and Dr. Bob sing:
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♪ He'll never walk alone ♪
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♪ King of the desert wild and free ♪
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♪ He's the Sheik of Araby ♪
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♪ Under the shadow of the palms ♪
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♪ I sang to call him to my arms ♪
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♪ I'm the Sheik of Araby ♪
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♪ Your love belongs to me ♪
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♪ At night when you're asleep ♪
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♪ Into your tent I'll creep ♪
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♪ The stars that shine above ♪
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♪ Will light our way to love ♪
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♪ You'll rule this land with me ♪
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♪ The Sheik of Araby ♪
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♪ You'll rule this land with me ♪
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♪ The Sheik of Araby ♪
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What, now? Oh. Ahem.
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Ladies and gentlemen.
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I, Sam the Eagle, will now read a fable,
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which should serve
as a moral lesson to us all.
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"Once upon a time, there was an ant
and a grasshopper.
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It was warm and sunny where they lived.
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But the ant worked day and night,
from dawn to dusk.
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Storing food for the long, hard winter
he knew would come."
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ANT: Toil and labor, work and strife
are all that matter in this life.
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Oh, the ant is a wonderful character.
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"But meanwhile, the lazy,
pleasure-loving grasshopper
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sang and danced with appalling abandon."
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Winter will fall and snow will come,
but now it's time to have some fun.
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Shocking, shocking.
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"And, eventually, just as expected,
winter came."
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Very nice.
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And then it was, dear listeners...
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00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:21,319
"That the grasshopper
drove his sports car to Florida
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and the ant got stepped on." What?
193
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Wait, wait, wait.
That was not in the script.
194
00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:35,583
Someone changed it.
We'll have to do it again.
195
00:14:36,835 --> 00:14:42,007
-The grasshopper drove to Florida.
-The ant got stepped on.
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Will you stop that?
197
00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:46,845
Why are they picking on us tonight?
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Eh, I don't know.
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[CLEARS THROAT]
200
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Hello, Miss Peters.
201
00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:58,857
-Oh, hello, Robin. I didn't see you.
-Eh, most people don't.
202
00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:03,069
Listen, I'm running away from home,
but I did want to stop and say goodbye.
203
00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:06,239
Oh, you're running away from home?
How come?
204
00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:09,409
Oh, because nobody notices me around here.
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00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:11,411
Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.
206
00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:16,291
See? I mean, no one cares
about a six-ounce frog.
207
00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:21,504
Robin, you've got to believe in yourself.
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00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:25,050
If just one person believes in you...
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00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:29,971
deep enough and strong enough,
believes in you...
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00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:34,642
♪ Hard enough, and long enough ♪
211
00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:41,024
♪ Before you knew it
Someone else would think ♪
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00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:45,028
♪ "If he can do it, I can do it" ♪
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00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:49,866
♪ Making it two... ♪
214
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:55,789
♪ Two whole people who believe in you ♪
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00:15:55,872 --> 00:16:01,628
♪ Deep enough, and strong enough
Believe in you ♪
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00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:05,340
♪ Hard enough and long enough ♪
217
00:16:05,423 --> 00:16:09,427
♪ There's bound to be some other person ♪
218
00:16:09,511 --> 00:16:15,266
♪ Who believes in making it a threesome ♪
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00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:22,273
-♪ Making it three ♪
-♪ Three ♪
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♪ People you can say ♪
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00:16:26,778 --> 00:16:33,118
♪ Believe in me ♪
222
00:16:34,285 --> 00:16:39,874
♪ And if three whole people
Why not four? ♪
223
00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:46,965
♪ And if four whole people
Why not more? ♪
224
00:16:47,382 --> 00:16:50,385
♪ And more ♪
225
00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:55,974
♪ And more ♪
226
00:16:56,057 --> 00:17:02,856
♪ And when all those people
Believe in you ♪
227
00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:08,653
♪ Deep enough, and strong enough
Believe in you ♪
228
00:17:08,737 --> 00:17:12,073
♪ Hard enough and long enough ♪
229
00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:14,576
♪ It stands to reason ♪
230
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:17,328
♪ You yourself will start to see ♪
231
00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:24,085
♪ What everybody sees in you ♪
232
00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:32,177
-♪ And maybe even you ♪
-♪ Maybe even you ♪
233
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:36,514
♪ Can believe in you ♪
234
00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:43,355
♪ Too ♪
235
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,579
[SINGING IN GIBBERISH]
236
00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:07,170
♪ Bork, bork, bork ♪
237
00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:11,007
[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]
238
00:18:11,966 --> 00:18:15,136
...chickie-boo...egg.
239
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:16,971
[CHICKEN CLUCKING]
240
00:18:27,399 --> 00:18:29,067
[SHRIEKS] Okay.
241
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,152
[CLUCKING]
242
00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:39,160
...bomb?
243
00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:48,294
Welcome again to Muppet Labs,
where the future is being made today.
244
00:18:48,378 --> 00:18:53,008
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here
with news to set you aquiver.
245
00:18:53,091 --> 00:18:55,927
Beaker. Beaker, dear lad, come over here.
246
00:18:57,012 --> 00:19:01,850
Oh, Beaker, you forgot the beaker.
Now get the beaker, Beaker.
247
00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:04,394
Go on.
248
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:09,774
You are about to see the first sample ever
isolated of the new element, Bunsonium,
249
00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:13,028
contained in this self-same beaker here.
250
00:19:13,695 --> 00:19:17,365
So far, we have found no use
for Bunsonium.
251
00:19:17,449 --> 00:19:21,202
We already know that it does not
remove paint, it isn't a good glue,
252
00:19:21,286 --> 00:19:26,374
and when used as a shampoo, it produces
unusual side effects. Right, Beaker?
253
00:19:26,458 --> 00:19:27,709
[BEAKER SIGHS]
254
00:19:31,046 --> 00:19:34,632
Today, we begin an experiment to see
what Bunsonium does
255
00:19:34,716 --> 00:19:37,302
when taken internally.
256
00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:42,140
My assistant, Beaker, here
will now drink the Bunsonium.
257
00:19:42,223 --> 00:19:43,308
[BEAKER GASPS]
258
00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:45,560
That's all right. There, there, Beaker.
259
00:19:45,643 --> 00:19:47,645
Take a teensy little sip at first
260
00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:51,983
and remember not to get carried away
and gulp the whole thing.
261
00:19:52,067 --> 00:19:56,404
Go ahead. It's all right. Go on.
262
00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:04,579
Good. And now, in just a few moments,
263
00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:07,749
we shall know exactly what Bunsonium does.
264
00:20:07,832 --> 00:20:10,877
[SHOUTING]
265
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,546
[AIR HISSING]
266
00:20:20,345 --> 00:20:24,265
Oh, so that's what Bunsonium does.
267
00:20:25,517 --> 00:20:30,188
Come, Beaker, let's go find a bicycle pump
and pump you back up.
268
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:33,233
NEWSCASTER:
Here's a Muppet news flash.
269
00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:35,527
Dateline, The Muppet Show.
270
00:20:35,610 --> 00:20:40,490
It has been reported that a large,
heavy object was dropped from the ceiling.
271
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:42,575
Further developments will...
272
00:20:45,537 --> 00:20:48,456
Okay, and now let's go down home
for a little singing,
273
00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:51,251
a little banjo picking,
and a little "Applejack"
274
00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:54,045
with the lovely Miss Bernadette Peters.
275
00:20:55,672 --> 00:20:57,674
[BAND PLAYING]
276
00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:03,555
♪ He lived by the apple orchard
In a little old orchard shack ♪
277
00:21:03,638 --> 00:21:08,518
♪ His name was Jackson Taylor
But folks called him AppleJack ♪
278
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:12,939
♪ And AppleJack was loved by everyone
He ever knew ♪
279
00:21:13,023 --> 00:21:17,193
♪ AppleJack picked apples
But he picked the banjo too ♪
280
00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:21,698
♪ Play a song for me
AppleJack, AppleJack ♪
281
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:25,702
♪ Play a song for me and I'll sing ♪
282
00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:29,956
ALL: ♪ Play a song for me
AppleJack, AppleJack ♪
283
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:34,210
♪ Play a song, let your banjo ring ♪
284
00:21:50,685 --> 00:21:54,689
♪ That was when I was just a kid
And now that I am grown ♪
285
00:21:54,773 --> 00:21:59,652
♪ All I have are memories
Old AppleJack is gone ♪
286
00:21:59,736 --> 00:22:03,823
♪ But he left me his banjo
And it always takes me back ♪
287
00:22:03,907 --> 00:22:08,661
♪ Every time I play it
I still hear AppleJack ♪
288
00:22:08,745 --> 00:22:12,749
♪ Play a song for me
AppleJack, AppleJack ♪
289
00:22:12,832 --> 00:22:16,753
♪ Play a song for me and I'll sing ♪
290
00:22:17,128 --> 00:22:20,757
ALL: ♪ Play a song for me
AppleJack, AppleJack ♪
291
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:24,844
♪ Play a song, let your banjo ring ♪
292
00:22:25,345 --> 00:22:28,973
♪ Play a song for me
AppleJack, AppleJack ♪
293
00:22:29,057 --> 00:22:35,063
♪ Play a song, let your banjo ring ♪
294
00:22:39,275 --> 00:22:42,904
Well, we did the beginning part
of the show, and then the middle part,
295
00:22:42,987 --> 00:22:44,864
so this has to be the end part.
296
00:22:44,948 --> 00:22:49,953
So let us have a warm thank you to our
special guest, Miss Bernadette Peters.
297
00:22:53,623 --> 00:22:56,459
Thank you, Kermit.
You know, it's really been fun.
298
00:22:56,543 --> 00:23:02,132
But I especially want to thank Mr. Big,
Robin the Frog.
299
00:23:02,215 --> 00:23:07,470
Aw, gee, Bernadette. Thanks a lot.
Hey, I really had a great time-- Whoa!
300
00:23:07,554 --> 00:23:08,847
BERNADETTE:
Uh-oh.
301
00:23:09,848 --> 00:23:12,434
Hey, we'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.
302
00:23:12,517 --> 00:23:14,936
-Okay?
-He's okay.
303
00:23:16,021 --> 00:23:18,023
[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
304
00:23:50,305 --> 00:23:52,432
Seriously, what'd you think
of Miss Mousie?
305
00:23:52,515 --> 00:23:53,808
-I loved her.
-Me too.
306
00:23:53,892 --> 00:23:55,643
-What?
BOTH: No, we didn't.
307
00:23:55,727 --> 00:23:57,062
Thank you.
25008
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