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It's The Muppet Show, with our
special guest star, Mr. Bruce Forsyth!
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[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
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♪ It's time to play the music ♪
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♪ It's time to light the lights ♪
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♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪
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♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪
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♪ It's time to dress up right ♪
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♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪
9
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Hey, question:
10
00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:42,667
If a man born in Poland is a Pole,
is a man born in Holland a Hole?
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Think about it.
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♪ To introduce our guest star ♪
13
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♪ That's what I'm here to do ♪
14
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♪ So it really makes me happy ♪
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♪ To introduce to you ♪
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Mr. Bruce Forsyth!
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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♪ But now let's get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪
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♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪
20
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♪ This is what we call ♪
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♪ The Muppet Show ♪
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
24
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Hello, hello, hello.
25
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And if I sound a little British tonight,
it's because our special guest star
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is one of England's
truly great performers, Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
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He sings, dances,
plays the piano, tells jokes.
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In fact, he's a one-man variety show,
and we're really pleased he's with us.
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But right now, let's kick things off with
a new musical group we call the Snerfs.
30
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The Snerfs?
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[BAND PLAYING EASY-LISTENING MUSIC]
32
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[HORN HONKS]
33
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[HORN HONKS]
34
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[HORN HONKS]
35
00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:08,169
[HORN HONKS]
36
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[HORN HONKS]
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[HORN HONKS]
38
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[HORN HONKS]
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[HORN HONKS]
40
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[HORN HONKS]
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[HORN HONKS]
42
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[HORN HONKS]
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[HORN HONKS]
44
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[HORN HONKS]
45
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[HORN HONKS]
46
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Well, now I've seen everything.
47
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Good, can we leave?
48
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Okay, nice number. Nice number, Snerfs.
Way to go. Mm-hm.
49
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-Oh, Kermit.
-Yeah?
50
00:03:58,822 --> 00:04:02,826
I finally got the punch line down
for the act tonight. Wanna hear it?
51
00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:04,619
-Uh, okay.
-Good.
52
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Quack!
53
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Uh, fine, fine,
but keep working on it, okay?
54
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Oh, sure, toad, thanks a lot.
55
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You know, put me down like everybody else.
Yeah, that's right, put me down.
56
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-Bitter duck.
-Oh, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit.
57
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Kermit, I am really
gonna get them tonight.
58
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-Get who?
-Hmm? Oh, Statler and Waldorf.
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You know those two old guys who sit
in the box and heckle me every night?
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-Mm-hm.
-Well, tonight I am ready for them.
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[CHUCKLES]
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Yeah, I can handle any insult.
Any of them.
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Hey. Hey, let's try it, okay?
Uh, let's see, uh...
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You be the audience and I'll tell a joke,
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and then you insult me, and then
just watch my razor-sharp wit at work.
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-Okay, you ready? Huh?
-Uh, no.
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00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:50,582
Good, okay. Ahem. Here we go.
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I wouldn't say my wife can't cook,
but last night she burned the water.
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Boo! Boo! That's terrible! Terrible!
Get off the stage! You are the worst!
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Oh, please don't heckle me.
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Uh, Fozzie, is this an example
of your razor-like wit?
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Could still use a little sharpening, huh?
73
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Sheesh.
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Uh, when it comes to song-and-dance men,
it's pretty hard to top our special guest.
75
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So let's give a warm Muppet Show welcome
to Mr. Bruce Forsyth!
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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♪ Got my tweed pressed ♪
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♪ Got my best vest ♪
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♪ All I need now is the girl ♪
80
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♪ Got my striped tie ♪
81
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♪ Got my hopes high ♪
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♪ Got the time and the place
And I got rhythm ♪
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♪ All I need's the girl to go with 'em ♪
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♪ If she'll just appear ♪
85
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♪ We'll take this big bird-- ♪
86
00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:08,451
I must stop taking those pills.
It'll go away in a minute.
87
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Whatever it is, it's a real one.
88
00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:16,167
I hope it's not a female.
89
00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:20,005
Yes, um, I didn't see you there.
90
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I'm sorry,
I'm doing my song-and-dance number.
91
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Would you mind waiting over there, please?
92
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Uh, over there, in the corner.
93
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,515
Oh, yes. Yes, well, over here.
94
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Let me show you.
Let me show you. That's fine.
95
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That's it, okay. Trust me, trust me.
96
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I'll be gentle with you. Yeah.
97
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No. No, bring the feet.
I think the tail will follow.
98
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Bring the feet. That's it, good.
Left, right, right, left, that's it.
99
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Good, that's fine.
Now, could we just twist you round now?
100
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As you go, that's it.
101
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:56,374
Now, back off, will you?
Back off, left hand down a bit, left hand.
102
00:06:56,458 --> 00:07:00,420
As you were, off you go, off you go.
There you go. That's fine.
103
00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:02,756
I'm just gonna do
my song-and-dance number.
104
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It's the only thing I've got
in the whole show.
105
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Worthwhile.
106
00:07:08,470 --> 00:07:09,512
Thank you.
107
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[BAND PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC]
108
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[SCAT SINGING]
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Ah.
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Take it!
111
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[NECK CLICKING]
112
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Are you all right?
113
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[NECK CLICKING]
114
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That was marvelous. Fantastic!
115
00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:01,898
I've never seen anything--
116
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It is a female.
117
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♪ My striped tie
And my best, best tweed ♪
118
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Come on, leave me alone. Get back.
119
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Get-- Goodness' sake.
120
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:18,998
Great big gawky fool, get back!
121
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Why don't you get--? Get back.
Get back there, back! Get away!
122
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Oh, no, her sister!
123
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Mr. Hitchcock! Mr. Hitchcock!
124
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Get away, you great big
gawky-looking thing, get off.
125
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,766
-Bravo.
-Brilliant.
126
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:40,395
Oh, there aren't many performers
who could hold a candle to Bruce Forsyth.
127
00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:43,106
Mm. Course not, they'd burn him.
128
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:46,484
Statler, you must be the old fool
there's no fool like.
129
00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:49,654
Hey, Kermit? Kermit?
130
00:08:49,738 --> 00:08:51,823
This time I have really got it.
131
00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:54,909
I have really mastered the art
of handling hecklers.
132
00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:57,996
-Oh, you think so, huh?
-Yeah, oh, I know so.
133
00:08:58,079 --> 00:09:01,666
Okay, I tell you what, uh,
you tell a joke, and I'll heckle you.
134
00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:04,794
-Great.
-But, Fozzie, I expect a great comeback.
135
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,338
Right. Ahem. Uh...
136
00:09:07,464 --> 00:09:08,882
My cousin's so dumb,
137
00:09:08,965 --> 00:09:11,760
he thinks eggs Benedict
is a Mafia gangster.
138
00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:15,722
I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than that!
139
00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:24,022
-What do you think? Uh, too subtle?
-Will you get out of here?
140
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:26,775
Sheesh.
141
00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:31,237
[BALLROOM DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
142
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-George?
-Yeah.
143
00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:41,831
Would you like to come to my place
for dinner tomorrow night?
144
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:46,211
-Maybe. What are you fixing?
-Well, do you like duckling?
145
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I don't know. I never duckled.
146
00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:56,471
Do you know what happened in 1776?
147
00:09:56,554 --> 00:10:00,558
No, baby,
but there's a great party in 1342.
148
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,564
I'm really into American history.
149
00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:08,233
-Oh?
-Mm-hm.
150
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:12,195
You know, Washington, Jefferson, Revere...
151
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:16,324
-Oh. Do you like Franklin?
-Well, I don't know. I've never frankled.
152
00:10:20,578 --> 00:10:23,707
-Do you mind if I light up?
-Why, no.
153
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:32,048
[PLAYING BLUEGRASS MUSIC]
154
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♪ Many, many years ago when I was 23 ♪
155
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:40,015
♪ I was married to a widow
Who was pretty as could be ♪
156
00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:43,393
♪ This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red ♪
157
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:47,022
♪ My father fell in love with her
And soon they two were wed ♪
158
00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:50,400
♪ This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life ♪
159
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:54,112
♪ For my daughter was my mother
'Cause she was my father's wife ♪
160
00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:57,532
♪ To complicate the matter
Even though it brought me joy ♪
161
00:10:57,615 --> 00:11:01,036
♪ I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy ♪
162
00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:04,539
♪ My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad ♪
163
00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:08,126
♪ And so became my uncle
Though it made me very sad ♪
164
00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:11,296
♪ For if he was my uncle
Then that also made him brother ♪
165
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:15,300
♪ Of the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my stepmother ♪
166
00:11:15,383 --> 00:11:18,762
♪ Oh, I'm my own grandpa ♪
167
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:21,890
♪ I'm my own grandpa ♪
168
00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:25,435
♪ It sounds funny, I know
But it really is so ♪
169
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:28,146
♪ Oh, I'm my own grandpa ♪
170
00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:29,439
Sing it, Pa.
171
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:32,817
♪ Father's wife then had a son
Who kept them on the run ♪
172
00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:36,321
♪ And he became my grandchild
For he was my daughter's son ♪
173
00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:39,908
♪ My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue ♪
174
00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:43,328
♪ Because although she is my wife
She's my grandmother too ♪
175
00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:46,915
♪ Oh, if my wife is my grandmother
Then I'm her grandchild ♪
176
00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:50,335
♪ And every time I think of it
It nearly drives me wild ♪
177
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:53,963
♪ For now I have become the strangest case
You ever saw ♪
178
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:58,426
♪ As husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa ♪
179
00:11:58,510 --> 00:12:02,847
♪ Oh, I'm my own grandpa ♪
180
00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:06,059
♪ I'm my own grandpa ♪
181
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:09,437
♪ It sounds funny, I know
But it really is so ♪
182
00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:13,108
♪ Oh, I'm my own grandpa ♪
183
00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:16,736
♪ It sounds funny, I know
But it really is so ♪
184
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:23,076
♪ Oh, I'm my own grandpa ♪
185
00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:26,538
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
186
00:12:33,128 --> 00:12:35,338
Uh, well, Bruce, welcome to our show.
187
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:37,215
Well, it's very nice to be here, Kermit.
188
00:12:37,298 --> 00:12:40,093
-Although, it is a little strange.
-Strange?
189
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:42,262
It isn't like any other show
on television.
190
00:12:42,345 --> 00:12:45,557
I mean, I'll buy the fact you're a frog
who can talk.
191
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,392
Well, there's nothing strange about that.
192
00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:50,520
And I'll even buy the chicken, uh,
who shares my dressing room.
193
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,856
-Uh, but she's not for sale.
-I beg your pardon?
194
00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:55,025
-That chicken's not for sale.
-Oh.
195
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:58,194
I wouldn't mind selling her,
but her husband plays in the band.
196
00:12:59,571 --> 00:13:01,114
No, you misunderstand me.
197
00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:04,117
You see,
I don't actually want to buy a chicken.
198
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,285
Oh, I see.
199
00:13:05,368 --> 00:13:08,455
Mind you, I wouldn't mind,
uh, leasing a duck.
200
00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:12,876
Well, uh, I can let you have a duck
right here.
201
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:15,503
I can give you a good rental deal
on this duck.
202
00:13:15,587 --> 00:13:17,797
-Quack.
-Oh. It's not a bad-looking duck.
203
00:13:17,881 --> 00:13:20,925
It's a great little duck.
It was last owned by a little old lady
204
00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:23,678
who only used it as a decoy
during the hunting season.
205
00:13:23,762 --> 00:13:24,888
Really?
206
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,932
Well, how much to rent this duck
for a month?
207
00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:31,603
Ah, for one month, this duck
will cost you a pig and two rabbits.
208
00:13:31,686 --> 00:13:33,313
-A pig and two rabbits?
-Yes.
209
00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:34,856
Hold on a minute, will you?
210
00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:36,691
One pig, there we are.
211
00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:39,402
-Yeah, one pig.
-And, uh, I'm fresh out of rabbits.
212
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:42,405
-Oh.
-Uh, have you got change of a rat?
213
00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,407
Oh, sure, I can let you have a woodpecker.
214
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:47,077
Oh, good, that's fine.
Okay, that's a fair exchange.
215
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,120
-Is that a deal?
-Mind the legs.
216
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:56,711
-Wonderful doing business with you.
-Lovely doing business with you as well.
217
00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:59,923
-Okay, let's go, come on.
-Fine, off you go. Fine.
218
00:14:00,006 --> 00:14:02,050
You see, it is strange here.
219
00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:06,137
Any other show on television charges
at least two pigs a month for a good duck.
220
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,848
I wish I had a good-looking bird.
221
00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:14,979
Two pigs for one lousy duck?
This is an outrage to all porkdom.
222
00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:17,190
[STAMMERING] Well, I was, um...
223
00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:21,277
Really, Miss Piggy, I was only joking.
I wasn't having a go at you.
224
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,488
Yeah? Well, have a go at this.
225
00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:25,323
-Hi-yah!
-Oh!
226
00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:27,450
That was vicious. Come here, you.
227
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:30,036
[PIGGY SCREAMING]
228
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:31,454
[PIGGY YELPS]
229
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,206
-Monkey with me?
-Hi-yah!
230
00:14:34,165 --> 00:14:37,627
That Miss Piggy takes umbrage
at the slightest annoyance.
231
00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:41,464
Oh, I usually take aspirin.
Maybe I'll try some umbrage.
232
00:14:43,466 --> 00:14:47,137
Uh... "Same to you..."
Same to you and more of it.
233
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,346
-Uh, Fozzie?
-Huh?
234
00:14:48,430 --> 00:14:50,724
I know you're worried
about your act tonight.
235
00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:52,267
Oh, boy, whew, am I.
236
00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:55,770
I really wanna get the best
of those two old hecklers, Kermit.
237
00:14:55,854 --> 00:14:59,816
Well, I can guarantee you that Statler
and Waldorf will not heckle you tonight.
238
00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:02,944
But... But they always heckle me.
239
00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:05,405
Every show they heckle me.
Why not tonight?
240
00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:08,867
Well, the show's running long.
and your act's been cut.
241
00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:13,038
Uh, Hilda. Hilda.
242
00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:15,790
-Yes, Fozzie.
-Don't move. Just stay right there.
243
00:15:15,874 --> 00:15:20,295
-But why?
-So you can break my fall when I faint.
244
00:15:20,378 --> 00:15:21,755
[GROANS]
245
00:15:24,466 --> 00:15:26,509
Cute. Cute faint.
246
00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:33,183
Once again, it is my distinct pleasure
to introduce to you
247
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:38,188
those two solid citizens of song,
Wayne and Wanda.
248
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,273
Decent, decent people.
249
00:15:40,357 --> 00:15:42,859
[BAND PLAYING TRANQUIL MUSIC]
250
00:15:45,528 --> 00:15:51,534
♪ I think that I shall never see ♪
251
00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:56,164
♪ A poem lovely as a tree ♪
252
00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:57,290
[WANDA SCREAMS]
253
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,002
Whew.
254
00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:05,590
Oh, Kermit, you've got to let me
do my big act in the show, please.
255
00:16:05,674 --> 00:16:08,677
Yeah, but listen, Fozzie,
this is just one week.
256
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:13,556
Oh, but, Kermit, in this type of show,
people expect a stand-up comic.
257
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:18,812
-Yes, and we got one.
-Oh! Oh, then I am going on after all. Oh.
258
00:16:18,895 --> 00:16:21,439
No, uh, Bruce Forsyth is.
259
00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:27,612
Hilda!
260
00:16:27,696 --> 00:16:29,239
[GLASS SHATTERS]
261
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,074
Cute. Cute fall.
262
00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:36,371
Okay, ladies and gentlemen.
263
00:16:36,454 --> 00:16:39,082
Tonight we thought
we'd give Fozzie Bear a rest.
264
00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:42,460
You're not giving him a rest.
You're giving us a rest.
265
00:16:43,837 --> 00:16:48,466
Yeah, okay. Uh, be that as it may,
substituting for Fozzie tonight
266
00:16:48,550 --> 00:16:51,594
is our special guest star,
Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
267
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:54,139
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
268
00:16:54,222 --> 00:16:55,515
Thank you so much. Thank you.
269
00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:57,517
And may I say,
you look a wonderful audience.
270
00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,645
Don't be too sure.
We haven't heard your jokes yet.
271
00:17:02,147 --> 00:17:04,649
Sir, you're old enough
to have heard my jokes,
272
00:17:04,733 --> 00:17:07,277
Bob Hope's jokes and Milton Berle's.
273
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,571
In fact,
if you've heard Milton Berle's jokes,
274
00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:11,031
you've heard everybody's jokes.
275
00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:14,409
Ah, same old stuff.
276
00:17:14,492 --> 00:17:15,869
We want new blood.
277
00:17:15,952 --> 00:17:18,329
BRUCE:
You look as though you could use some.
278
00:17:18,413 --> 00:17:21,583
Why don't you go to the blood bank
and cash an artery?
279
00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:26,546
-Good, good stuff.
-Well, I've heard better.
280
00:17:26,629 --> 00:17:27,839
I'm sure you have, sir.
281
00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:31,134
In fact, at your age,
you're lucky you can hear at all.
282
00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:35,930
Only kidding. You've probably got
a great sense of humor.
283
00:17:36,014 --> 00:17:38,558
In fact, I know you have.
I saw your wife outside.
284
00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:43,271
Oh! Oh, he's burying me. He's burying me.
285
00:17:43,355 --> 00:17:46,149
But, you know, one thing I like
about our two countries
286
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:48,818
is we have this cultural exchange
going on.
287
00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:51,071
We send you lots of our drama shows,
288
00:17:51,154 --> 00:17:52,822
like Upstairs, Downstairs,
289
00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:57,077
The Six Wives of Henry VIII
and The Forsyte Saga.
290
00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:00,663
And by the way, I thought Eric Porter
played my life brilliantly.
291
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:03,625
I was gonna play the part myself,
but they said I wasn't the type.
292
00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:07,545
Uh, then, of course, you send us
your drama shows, like Columbo,
293
00:18:07,629 --> 00:18:09,673
Starsky and Hutch, Police Woman.
294
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,592
They're not Shakespeare, perhaps,
but just as violent.
295
00:18:12,676 --> 00:18:17,847
By the way, thank you for Kojak.
He's made such a big hit in our country.
296
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:20,475
He's such a sportsman.
Goes to Scotland, plays golf.
297
00:18:20,558 --> 00:18:22,977
He's also a good tenpin bowler.
Got the head for it.
298
00:18:23,061 --> 00:18:25,855
But, um, he gets very annoyed
at the bowling alley
299
00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:28,858
because people keep sticking their fingers
up his nose. Ha, ha!
300
00:18:28,942 --> 00:18:29,984
Gotta be a split.
301
00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:33,071
Anyway, don't let's talk about him.
Let's get back to me.
302
00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:35,615
-Ladies and gentlemen--
-Uh, excuse me, Mr. Forsyth?
303
00:18:35,699 --> 00:18:37,701
-Please, call me Bruce.
-Oh.
304
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:41,454
Ladies and gentlemen,
the one and only Fozzie Bear.
305
00:18:41,538 --> 00:18:42,831
Hey!
306
00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:45,250
Yeah, thank heavens there's only one.
307
00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:49,963
Aw, see those guys up there?
308
00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:54,134
-The minute I come out, they start up.
-Don't worry. Don't worry.
309
00:18:54,217 --> 00:18:56,886
-Do you see the box they're in?
-Yeah.
310
00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:59,097
I may decide to bury them together.
311
00:19:01,558 --> 00:19:05,478
Ah! Oh, that's--
Boy, see how he handles them?
312
00:19:05,562 --> 00:19:08,648
See? I was watching
in the wings over there.
313
00:19:08,732 --> 00:19:12,527
Yeah? Well, why don't you flap them
and fly out of here?
314
00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:13,987
Ho, ho.
315
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:16,531
-Look, you can handle those two.
-Well...
316
00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:17,657
You can do it.
317
00:19:17,741 --> 00:19:20,285
All you need is a bit of pacing,
a bit of timing.
318
00:19:20,368 --> 00:19:23,413
-The right retort, the right line.
-Yeah? Oh?
319
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:26,833
He couldn't throw a line
to a drowning man.
320
00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:28,001
Uh, uh...
321
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:29,627
-Go on.
-Okay. Uh...
322
00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:34,674
Do you mind? We work alone.
Uh, that is, unless we work together.
323
00:19:34,758 --> 00:19:36,676
How's that?
324
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:38,428
-A little soft, Fozzie.
-Oh.
325
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:41,181
Go for the jugular vein.
There, go right in.
326
00:19:41,264 --> 00:19:43,058
-Right there? Okay. Ahem.
-Go on.
327
00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:45,310
Uh, uh... Oh! Oh.
328
00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:47,896
Uh, hey, is that a suit you're wearing?
329
00:19:47,979 --> 00:19:52,776
It's a nice one, but won't your wife
notice the hole in the living-room rug?
330
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:54,819
[DRUMMER PLAYS RIMSHOT]
331
00:19:54,903 --> 00:19:58,198
That's good.
Now you're rolling. Go in for the kill.
332
00:19:58,281 --> 00:20:00,575
Hey, that's some nose you got there.
333
00:20:00,658 --> 00:20:02,619
Why don't you rent yourself out
as an anteater?
334
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,287
[DRUMMER PLAYS RIMSHOT]
335
00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:11,419
-I like it. Quit while you're ahead.
-Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
336
00:20:11,503 --> 00:20:14,214
You call that a head?
I've seen better heads on cabbages.
337
00:20:14,297 --> 00:20:15,548
[DRUMMER PLAYS RIMSHOT]
338
00:20:15,632 --> 00:20:17,842
You don't wanna lose your audience.
339
00:20:17,926 --> 00:20:20,679
You call that an audience?
It looks more like an oil painting.
340
00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:22,180
[DRUMMER PLAYS RIMSHOT]
341
00:20:22,263 --> 00:20:23,973
Believe me, you've got them.
342
00:20:24,057 --> 00:20:25,600
Got them? Who wants them?
343
00:20:25,684 --> 00:20:28,478
-No, no, enough.
-We surrender. We surrender.
344
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,980
-No more, no more.
-You did it, Fozzie.
345
00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:35,485
Ah! I did! Bruce, I did it!
Oh! I did it, I did! Oh! Ah! Oh!
346
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:38,863
Bruce, oh, this is the happiest
moment of my life.
347
00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:41,741
Oh, just learning from a pro like you,
348
00:20:41,825 --> 00:20:43,743
working side by side
with one of the greats.
349
00:20:43,827 --> 00:20:44,869
[BAND PLAYING VAMP]
350
00:20:44,953 --> 00:20:48,123
You even learned how to cue
the big musical finish to the comedy spot.
351
00:20:48,206 --> 00:20:49,249
-You did.
-Yeah?
352
00:20:49,332 --> 00:20:50,625
-Yeah.
-All right.
353
00:20:50,709 --> 00:20:54,504
♪ Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money ♪
354
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:57,966
♪ Maybe we're ragged and funny ♪
355
00:20:58,049 --> 00:21:01,970
BOTH:
♪ But we travel along, singing a song ♪
356
00:21:02,053 --> 00:21:04,889
-Thank you, Mr. Forsyth.
-It's my pleasure, Mr. Bear.
357
00:21:04,973 --> 00:21:06,016
♪ Hey ♪
358
00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:09,519
BOTH:
♪ We travel along, singing a song ♪
359
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:15,358
♪ Side by side ♪
360
00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:20,030
I like the ears. Keep the ears going.
They love it. Listen to that. Ah!
361
00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:22,157
FOZZIE:
Thank you. Thank you.
362
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,743
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you--
363
00:21:28,246 --> 00:21:30,915
NARRATOR:
And now Veterinarian's Hospital,
364
00:21:30,999 --> 00:21:36,212
the continuing story of an
orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
365
00:21:38,590 --> 00:21:41,301
Well, Dr. Bob, here's your next patient.
366
00:21:41,384 --> 00:21:42,469
Oh.
367
00:21:44,387 --> 00:21:47,057
Wow, what have we here?
Another sick chicken?
368
00:21:47,140 --> 00:21:49,184
I'm not a chicken. I'm a duck.
369
00:21:49,267 --> 00:21:52,312
Shall we prepare for surgery
on the chicken?
370
00:21:52,395 --> 00:21:54,147
-Duck!
ALL: Aah!
371
00:21:56,775 --> 00:21:59,152
-What was that?
-I don't know.
372
00:21:59,235 --> 00:22:02,655
-Somebody yelled "duck."
-Well, let's get back to the chicken.
373
00:22:02,739 --> 00:22:04,491
-Duck!
ALL: Aah!
374
00:22:07,410 --> 00:22:09,537
I don't understand
what's going on around here.
375
00:22:09,621 --> 00:22:12,123
-Ahh! Duck!
-Aah!
376
00:22:12,207 --> 00:22:15,293
Oh, no, I'm not gonna fall
for another one of-- Oh!
377
00:22:16,753 --> 00:22:20,715
NARRATOR:
So Dr. Bob has received a serious blow.
378
00:22:20,799 --> 00:22:24,511
Tune in next week, when you will hear
Dr. Bob say to his patient:
379
00:22:25,512 --> 00:22:27,847
What kind of doctor do you think I am?
380
00:22:27,931 --> 00:22:29,474
Quack.
381
00:22:29,557 --> 00:22:31,434
I should know better
than to ask a chicken.
382
00:22:31,518 --> 00:22:33,269
-Duck!
ALL: Aah!
383
00:22:40,568 --> 00:22:42,654
[PLAYING MELLOW JAZZ MUSIC]
384
00:22:57,085 --> 00:22:59,546
♪ Let there be you ♪
385
00:23:01,673 --> 00:23:04,467
♪ Let there be me ♪
386
00:23:05,969 --> 00:23:08,471
♪ Let there be oysters ♪
387
00:23:10,181 --> 00:23:12,100
♪ Under the sea ♪
388
00:23:14,602 --> 00:23:16,479
♪ Let there be wind ♪
389
00:23:18,106 --> 00:23:21,109
♪ And occasional rain ♪
390
00:23:22,569 --> 00:23:24,988
♪ Chili con carne ♪
391
00:23:26,364 --> 00:23:29,492
♪ Sparkling champagne ♪
392
00:23:30,577 --> 00:23:32,620
♪ Let there be birds ♪
393
00:23:32,704 --> 00:23:34,664
-Small ones, huh?
-Yes.
394
00:23:34,748 --> 00:23:36,416
♪ That sing in the trees ♪
395
00:23:36,499 --> 00:23:38,543
I don't want that big one back.
396
00:23:38,626 --> 00:23:41,671
♪ And someone to bless me ♪
397
00:23:42,756 --> 00:23:44,799
♪ Whenever I sneeze ♪
398
00:23:44,883 --> 00:23:45,925
[SNEEZES]
399
00:23:46,009 --> 00:23:47,052
Bless you, Piggy.
400
00:23:47,135 --> 00:23:50,055
♪ Let there be cuckoos ♪
401
00:23:51,014 --> 00:23:53,391
♪ A lark and a dove ♪
402
00:23:54,768 --> 00:23:58,772
♪ But most of all, please ♪
403
00:23:58,855 --> 00:24:01,775
♪ Let there be love ♪
404
00:24:05,153 --> 00:24:06,321
Come in, boys.
405
00:24:06,404 --> 00:24:11,159
CHORUS:
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
406
00:24:13,036 --> 00:24:18,500
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
407
00:24:19,668 --> 00:24:21,711
♪ Let there be cuckoos ♪
408
00:24:21,795 --> 00:24:24,089
CHORUS:
♪ Doot, doo, doo ♪
409
00:24:24,172 --> 00:24:25,840
♪ A lark and a dove ♪
410
00:24:25,924 --> 00:24:27,842
CHORUS:
♪ Doo, doo, dah ♪
411
00:24:27,926 --> 00:24:31,930
-♪ But most of all, please ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Doot, doot, doo, doo, doo ♪
412
00:24:32,013 --> 00:24:34,599
BRUCE & PIGGY:
♪ Let there be love ♪
413
00:24:34,683 --> 00:24:36,101
CHORUS:
♪ Love, love ♪
414
00:24:36,184 --> 00:24:38,728
BRUCE & PIGGY:
♪ Let there be love ♪
415
00:24:38,812 --> 00:24:40,313
CHORUS:
♪ Love, love ♪
416
00:24:40,397 --> 00:24:44,359
♪ Let there be love ♪
417
00:24:44,442 --> 00:24:45,860
-♪ Yes, Brucie ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Love ♪
418
00:24:45,944 --> 00:24:49,989
♪ Let there be love
Love between Bruce and the pig ♪
419
00:24:50,073 --> 00:24:54,369
♪ Love, love, love, oh, yes
Oh, love, love ♪
420
00:24:54,452 --> 00:24:55,537
Yeah.
421
00:24:58,707 --> 00:25:01,835
Well, that's about all the time we have.
We'd like to have a special thanks
422
00:25:01,918 --> 00:25:04,295
to our special guest star,
Mr. Bruce Forsyth. Yeah!
423
00:25:04,379 --> 00:25:05,714
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
424
00:25:05,797 --> 00:25:06,840
Thank you.
425
00:25:06,923 --> 00:25:10,301
May I say, it's been a pleasure
to be on this television show.
426
00:25:10,385 --> 00:25:13,096
And, Kermit, you're a wonderful MC.
427
00:25:13,179 --> 00:25:15,473
Yeah, but he's an MC-squared.
428
00:25:16,599 --> 00:25:20,020
He's so dumb, he thinks Veronica Lake
is a body of water.
429
00:25:21,104 --> 00:25:24,232
Please, Fozzie, a little humility.
430
00:25:24,315 --> 00:25:26,526
Yeah, if you wanna be working next week.
431
00:25:26,609 --> 00:25:30,113
Oh, in that case,
oh, please forgive me, frog, please.
432
00:25:30,196 --> 00:25:31,531
Bruce, you taught him well.
433
00:25:31,614 --> 00:25:33,992
Hey, we'll see you all next week
on The Muppet Show.
434
00:25:34,075 --> 00:25:35,994
The Muppet Show. Hey.
435
00:25:36,077 --> 00:25:38,121
[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]
436
00:26:18,620 --> 00:26:21,456
-This show brought a tear to my eye.
-Really?
437
00:26:21,539 --> 00:26:23,416
Yeah, I'm sitting on a tack.
34339
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