All language subtitles for Paul Rudd & Jessica Alba - The Ten (2008) Comedy Indie
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1
00:01:14,008 --> 00:01:16,376
Hello.
2
00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:19,612
I'm sorry.
I had to go, okay?
3
00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:21,614
Because I have to introduce
the ten stories.
4
00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:23,149
I told you this before.
5
00:01:23,150 --> 00:01:24,851
We'll talk about this
when you get home, all right?
6
00:01:24,852 --> 00:01:26,219
I'm late enough
as it is.
7
00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:28,121
Ten commandments,
ten stories, all right?
8
00:01:28,122 --> 00:01:29,255
You knew what you
were getting into
9
00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:30,256
When you married me.
10
00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:32,392
This is what I do.
11
00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:33,860
Hello?
12
00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:35,295
Hello?
13
00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:37,330
Unbelievable.
14
00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:46,673
Hi, I'm Jeff Reigert.
15
00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:47,907
Okay, good.
16
00:01:47,908 --> 00:01:50,844
So I've got the ten commandments
over there,
17
00:01:50,845 --> 00:01:52,545
And I'm gonna give you
ten stories.
18
00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:55,181
Each one of them correlates
to one of the commandments.
19
00:01:55,182 --> 00:01:57,550
So let's get right into it.
20
00:01:57,551 --> 00:01:59,719
Sorry I was late,
by the way.
21
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:02,822
Long story short,
my wife--
22
00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:05,525
You know, I'm not
gonna go into this.
23
00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:06,926
All right,
long story short,
24
00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:08,661
My wife and I
were at Bed Bath and Beyond.
25
00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:09,996
We'd agreed
to go in beforehand
26
00:02:09,997 --> 00:02:12,032
Because she wanted to buy
a hand blender and leave.
27
00:02:12,033 --> 00:02:14,467
I mean, we weren't gonna make
a big day shopping, because--
28
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,136
You know what?
I'm not gonna get into this.
29
00:02:16,137 --> 00:02:18,438
This is just gonna get me
really upset.
30
00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:23,176
And besides, you didn't--
you didn't come here
31
00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:25,145
To listen to my shit,
all right?
32
00:02:25,146 --> 00:02:26,746
I came here to give you
these ten stories,
33
00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:28,515
And we're already running
a little bit late,
34
00:02:28,516 --> 00:02:31,317
So why don't we just
do it to it, right?
35
00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:33,987
Let's get this party
started.
36
00:02:33,988 --> 00:02:35,989
Story number one.
37
00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:48,668
Okay,
is it on?
38
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,470
Hey, everybody,
it's me, Stephen,
39
00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:52,605
Logging my first-ever
solo jump!
40
00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:54,174
are you nervous?
41
00:02:54,175 --> 00:02:55,575
Nah, are you joking,
Kelly?
42
00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:58,044
I'm more nervous
about us getting married.
43
00:02:58,045 --> 00:02:59,145
Bring it on!
44
00:02:59,146 --> 00:03:00,947
aw, you're nervous!
45
00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:01,948
Wow!
46
00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:04,050
Look at how high up
we are!
47
00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:07,320
It's like that line
from the movie titanic.
48
00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:10,190
"I want you to draw me
like one of your French girls,
49
00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:11,891
"wearing this,
50
00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:13,993
Wearing only this."
51
00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:15,962
Okay, let's do it
to it.
52
00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:18,164
Let's get this party
started.
53
00:03:18,165 --> 00:03:20,300
Whoo!
54
00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:22,335
Uh, excuse me.
55
00:03:22,336 --> 00:03:23,636
Forgot his chute.
56
00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:26,106
please tell me you're goofing.
57
00:03:26,107 --> 00:03:27,974
No, I don't goof.
58
00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:31,177
Oh, god!
Stephen!
59
00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:32,545
Stephen!
60
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:35,215
Stephen,
oh, my god!
61
00:03:35,216 --> 00:03:36,416
Are you okay?
62
00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:38,251
Oh, god!
63
00:03:38,252 --> 00:03:39,819
Are you okay?
64
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:41,221
No, not really.
65
00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:48,862
his vitals
are all okay.
66
00:03:48,863 --> 00:03:52,132
But his body is so deeply
embedded into the ground
67
00:03:52,133 --> 00:03:54,000
That any movement at all
68
00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:56,302
Would kill him.
69
00:03:56,303 --> 00:03:57,637
Well, what am I
supposed to do?
70
00:03:57,638 --> 00:03:58,738
I mean, just--
71
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,940
Just leave my fiance
here in the ground?
72
00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:02,409
Yes.
73
00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:04,577
But other than that,
I suggest that you both try
74
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:07,013
To go about
your normal routine.
75
00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:08,014
Okay?
76
00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:10,817
We good?
77
00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:12,485
Stay out
of the sun.
78
00:04:15,222 --> 00:04:18,358
Ooh, you know what
would be fun for us, hon?
79
00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:20,326
There's a jazz show
coming to town tomorrow,
80
00:04:20,327 --> 00:04:22,228
And we could--
81
00:04:22,229 --> 00:04:23,830
Never mind.
82
00:04:23,831 --> 00:04:25,565
Sorry, what'd you say?
83
00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:26,666
Nothing.
84
00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:28,034
I said,
"how's it going, babe?"
85
00:04:28,035 --> 00:04:30,136
Awful,
86
00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:31,438
Fucking awful.
87
00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:33,640
Okay, we're live
in 30 seconds, Louis.
88
00:04:33,641 --> 00:04:35,342
How are the wedding plans
coming, by the way?
89
00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:36,409
Good.
90
00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:38,111
Yeah, we were gonna
get married
91
00:04:38,112 --> 00:04:39,913
At my parents' beach house
in--in Bar Harbor--
92
00:04:39,914 --> 00:04:41,114
Oh, god,
I love Bar Harbor.
93
00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:43,283
I know.
It's so nice.
94
00:04:43,284 --> 00:04:45,652
But now it looks like
it's gonna be happening here.
95
00:04:45,653 --> 00:04:46,653
Uh-huh.
96
00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:49,823
Yeah, he'll be,
you know, there,
97
00:04:49,824 --> 00:04:51,524
And I'll be--
98
00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:55,729
I promised myself
I wouldn't cry.
99
00:04:55,730 --> 00:04:57,697
Shh, shh, shh.
No, no, no. It's okay.
100
00:04:57,698 --> 00:04:59,366
It's okay.
101
00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:01,101
God, you smell good.
102
00:05:01,102 --> 00:05:02,369
Is that
coffee breath?
103
00:05:02,370 --> 00:05:03,903
Okay, in five,
four...
104
00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:04,904
Tell me later.
105
00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:05,905
Three, two--
106
00:05:06,941 --> 00:05:08,174
Thanks, Jim.
107
00:05:08,175 --> 00:05:11,244
I'm here in a field
outside of Holmesdale,
108
00:05:11,245 --> 00:05:14,280
Where Stephen Montgomery
has been stuck here
109
00:05:14,281 --> 00:05:16,016
In the ground
for the past two months.
110
00:05:16,017 --> 00:05:17,183
I'm sure you're aware
111
00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:19,552
That you've become
quite a sensation,
112
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:21,488
A hero of sorts.
113
00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:22,989
You have any words
of wisdom
114
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:25,291
For your growing
group of fans?
115
00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:27,627
No, not really.
116
00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:29,229
No, not really.
117
00:05:29,230 --> 00:05:32,399
He's a man of few words
but many followers,
118
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,268
Whether it be the kids
that line up day and night
119
00:05:35,269 --> 00:05:37,070
To catch a glimpse of him
120
00:05:37,071 --> 00:05:38,838
Or 12-year-old Dorothy Sheen,
121
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,440
Whose Halloween costume
this year
122
00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:43,076
Is just a little bit
underground.
123
00:05:43,077 --> 00:05:44,577
I'm Stephen Montgomery.
124
00:05:44,578 --> 00:05:46,079
If you move me,
I'll die.
125
00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:49,082
Even Governor Hutchins
was catching Montgomery fever.
126
00:05:49,083 --> 00:05:50,884
We're gonna do
to unemployment
127
00:05:50,885 --> 00:05:53,920
What Stephen Montgomery
did to his body.
128
00:05:53,921 --> 00:05:55,789
We're gonna bury it
in the ground
129
00:05:55,790 --> 00:05:58,958
And make sure
it doesn't move.
130
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:01,594
I'm gonna give it
to you straight, kid,
131
00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:03,329
Because that's my style.
132
00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:04,964
You're not funny.
133
00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:06,433
Your act is stale.
134
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:08,501
You will never make it
in this town.
135
00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:10,637
Now, get out
of my office.
136
00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:15,575
How do people like that
get in here?
137
00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:16,876
She said she had
an appointment.
138
00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,978
It won't happen again.
Better not.
139
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:22,782
Sir, Stephen Montgomery
on line one.
140
00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:23,783
Stephen,
141
00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:25,151
Fielding Barnes.
142
00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:26,319
I want to make you
a TV star.
143
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:27,320
What do you say?
144
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,563
Don't you knock, Fred?
145
00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:38,264
I would, but if I knock
like everybody else,
146
00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:39,432
How would you know
it's me?
147
00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:41,434
Where's Stephen?
148
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:43,169
Right here
where he always is.
149
00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:45,438
hey, Stephen.
150
00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:47,941
I got two tickets
to the world series.
151
00:06:47,942 --> 00:06:48,975
You want to go?
152
00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:51,011
No, not really.
153
00:06:52,213 --> 00:06:53,279
Why not?
154
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:55,115
Because I can't move,
Fred.
155
00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:59,619
And if I did,
I'd most likely die.
156
00:07:01,222 --> 00:07:04,858
# two feet
firm in the ground. #
157
00:07:04,859 --> 00:07:07,093
# ain't no
turning around. #
158
00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:08,628
# no, not really. #
159
00:07:08,629 --> 00:07:12,332
# my time is coming
to town, #
160
00:07:12,333 --> 00:07:15,001
# and there ain't
no shaking it. #
161
00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:16,336
we're all dying to know,
162
00:07:16,337 --> 00:07:18,605
does your character
ever get it on with Carol?
163
00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:22,909
Look, I don't want to give
too much away here.
164
00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:24,644
But I will say this:
165
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:26,813
Probably not,
for obvious reasons.
166
00:07:26,814 --> 00:07:30,650
# eyes on the stars
and head in the clouds. #
167
00:07:30,651 --> 00:07:32,185
# love in the sun. #
168
00:07:32,186 --> 00:07:34,454
# no losing allowed. #
169
00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:36,723
Two years ago, I didn't have
a chance in this industry.
170
00:07:36,724 --> 00:07:38,058
When the Montgomery show hit,
171
00:07:38,059 --> 00:07:39,726
Every agent in town
called me.
172
00:07:39,727 --> 00:07:42,195
The world just
kind of takes you on a ride.
173
00:07:42,196 --> 00:07:43,229
You just sit back.
174
00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:44,664
I mean, I have to.
175
00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:46,199
Can't really move.
176
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:47,701
# ooh, ooh, ah! #
177
00:07:47,702 --> 00:07:49,469
# two feet
firm in the ground. #
178
00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:51,204
# no, not really. #
179
00:07:51,205 --> 00:07:53,139
I just started to use
this instrument right here.
180
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:54,507
I'm a trailblazer,
biatch.
181
00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:56,409
I don't even want to think
what my torso could do.
182
00:07:56,410 --> 00:07:58,845
I think it's pretty safe to say
I'm the Marlon Brando of heads.
183
00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:01,214
America loves
my shit, dog.
184
00:08:01,215 --> 00:08:02,515
Stephen Montgomery:
185
00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:04,317
Hero, superstar,
186
00:08:04,318 --> 00:08:06,186
God.
187
00:08:06,187 --> 00:08:07,354
This just in:
188
00:08:07,355 --> 00:08:10,323
Tragedy strikes in Texas
as a group of teens
189
00:08:10,324 --> 00:08:13,093
Intentionally jumps out
of a plane without parachutes.
190
00:08:13,094 --> 00:08:14,728
Obviously a copycat incident,
191
00:08:14,729 --> 00:08:17,430
They were imitating the man
they worshipped as a god,
192
00:08:17,431 --> 00:08:18,698
Stephen Montgomery.
193
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:20,533
Details and reaction
at 11:00.
194
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:22,335
turn that shit off!
195
00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:24,237
Stephen,
what is going on here?
196
00:08:24,238 --> 00:08:25,438
Who are
all these people?
197
00:08:25,439 --> 00:08:26,873
Kelly, it's not
what you think.
198
00:08:26,874 --> 00:08:28,541
How's it going,
baby?
199
00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:29,609
Kelly,
wait a second.
200
00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:30,710
Kelly, wait!
201
00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:31,711
Wait!
202
00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:33,079
Ah!
203
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:34,180
I can't move!
204
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:36,616
Damn it,
I can't move!
205
00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:38,952
Oh!
206
00:08:38,953 --> 00:08:39,919
Ahh!
207
00:08:46,694 --> 00:08:48,762
I think I'm allergic
to shrimp.
208
00:08:48,763 --> 00:08:50,330
Louis!
209
00:08:50,331 --> 00:08:51,331
Louis.
210
00:08:51,332 --> 00:08:52,332
Kelly?
211
00:08:52,333 --> 00:08:54,334
I have no one
to turn to.
212
00:08:54,335 --> 00:08:56,002
Shh.
213
00:08:56,003 --> 00:08:57,003
Look, it's okay.
214
00:08:57,004 --> 00:08:58,672
Listen to me.
215
00:08:58,673 --> 00:09:00,273
I'm gonna take care
of you now.
216
00:09:00,274 --> 00:09:01,641
Really?
217
00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:03,176
Sure.
218
00:09:03,177 --> 00:09:04,844
Come on.
219
00:09:04,845 --> 00:09:09,949
# lift me up
into the heavens. #
220
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:14,320
# you lift me up
beyond the sky. #
221
00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:15,822
okay, going up
in five...
222
00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:16,823
Look out.
223
00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:18,158
Four, three...
224
00:09:20,428 --> 00:09:22,095
What does a monkey
at the zoo
225
00:09:22,096 --> 00:09:23,963
Have in common
with a fig newton?
226
00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:25,231
Nothing, right?
227
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:26,633
Think again.
228
00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:29,002
They're both
sometimes brown.
229
00:09:29,003 --> 00:09:31,338
Stephen, I have bad news.
230
00:09:31,339 --> 00:09:33,306
The show's cancelled.
231
00:09:33,307 --> 00:09:34,941
The ratings
have been slipping,
232
00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:36,643
And your offscreen antics
in the tabloids
233
00:09:36,644 --> 00:09:37,677
Haven't been helping.
234
00:09:37,678 --> 00:09:39,379
I thought she was 18.
235
00:09:39,380 --> 00:09:41,281
Doesn't matter, Stephen.
She was your niece.
236
00:09:41,282 --> 00:09:42,549
I thought
she was once removed.
237
00:09:42,550 --> 00:09:44,150
Doesn't matter,
Stephen.
238
00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:45,518
You had sex with her.
239
00:09:45,519 --> 00:09:47,787
I thought
I was fingering her.
240
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:49,356
It feels the same
to her.
241
00:09:49,357 --> 00:09:50,523
Don't you get it,
Stephen?
242
00:09:50,524 --> 00:09:51,791
Well, then,
shit, fielding.
243
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:53,793
Get me another jo--what have you
got lined up for me?
244
00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,962
I've got nothing,
Stephen.
245
00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:57,964
Let's face it.
246
00:09:57,965 --> 00:09:59,332
The majority of jobs
are for actors
247
00:09:59,333 --> 00:10:00,867
Who can get off the floor
without dying.
248
00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:03,536
I--Stephen,
I don't make the rules.
249
00:10:03,537 --> 00:10:05,605
That's the climate
of the marketplace these days.
250
00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:07,140
I--I--I got to get this.
251
00:10:07,141 --> 00:10:08,241
I got--hello!
252
00:10:08,242 --> 00:10:09,442
Johnny Frankel,
253
00:10:09,443 --> 00:10:11,378
My favorite client,
who's stuck in an elevator.
254
00:10:11,379 --> 00:10:12,479
What's up, man?
255
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,080
But listen,
you got to decide quickly,
256
00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:15,648
Because at the end
of the day,
257
00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:17,250
Let's not jerk
each other off here.
258
00:10:17,251 --> 00:10:19,386
You're not going to be stuck
on that elevator forever.
259
00:10:19,387 --> 00:10:21,321
You know that.
260
00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:32,399
What happened
to Stephen Montgomery?
261
00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:33,667
For the past
three years,
262
00:10:33,668 --> 00:10:36,069
Stephen has stayed
out of the limelight,
263
00:10:36,070 --> 00:10:38,171
Choosing a quiet life
264
00:10:38,172 --> 00:10:41,474
Stuck in the ground--
always.
265
00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:43,443
I used
to like him,
266
00:10:43,444 --> 00:10:45,078
And now
I hate him.
267
00:10:45,079 --> 00:10:46,413
Wow.
268
00:10:46,414 --> 00:10:47,981
Thank you so much,
Louis.
269
00:10:47,982 --> 00:10:49,783
And that's all the news
for tonight.
270
00:10:49,784 --> 00:10:50,950
I'm Bream Benson.
271
00:10:50,951 --> 00:10:52,585
And I'm Jim Stansel.
Good night.
272
00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:00,760
See how that works?
273
00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:02,962
That was the first one,
and now we have nine more,
274
00:11:02,963 --> 00:11:04,364
The total being ten.
275
00:11:04,365 --> 00:11:05,899
And you know
what ten is.
276
00:11:05,900 --> 00:11:06,933
Ten is.
277
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:07,934
Tennis?
278
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:09,569
Tennis, anyone?
279
00:11:09,570 --> 00:11:11,071
It's like I can't even
reserve a court
280
00:11:11,072 --> 00:11:12,939
Unless it's
a holiday weekend.
281
00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:15,175
Anyway, let's do
the second story, shall we?
282
00:11:15,176 --> 00:11:17,544
No, no, don't help me
or anything.
283
00:11:17,545 --> 00:11:19,279
Oh, I--I didn't know
you were here.
284
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:20,480
Of course
you didn't.
285
00:11:20,481 --> 00:11:22,248
God forbid you notice
anybody but yourself.
286
00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:23,249
Gretchen--
287
00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:24,584
Jeff, don't test me
today, okay?
288
00:11:24,585 --> 00:11:25,618
You will lose.
289
00:11:28,122 --> 00:11:29,222
Did you see that?
290
00:11:29,223 --> 00:11:30,223
Am I crazy?
291
00:11:30,224 --> 00:11:31,524
I didn't know
she was here.
292
00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:33,460
God, she's getting to the point
where, literally,
293
00:11:33,461 --> 00:11:35,462
There isn't a thing
that I can do that's--
294
00:11:35,463 --> 00:11:37,530
We used to talk about
how we'd never fight like that.
295
00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:38,932
We used to laugh
at those people.
296
00:11:38,933 --> 00:11:41,468
I would break a blood vessel,
I would laugh so hard.
297
00:11:41,469 --> 00:11:44,104
You know how they say
laughter's the best medicine?
298
00:11:44,105 --> 00:11:45,305
No, I would need medicine
299
00:11:45,306 --> 00:11:46,906
To put on my broken
blood vessel.
300
00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:48,842
That's how hard
I was laughing.
301
00:11:48,843 --> 00:11:50,276
It was
a topical ointment.
302
00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:51,711
I don't remember
what it was called.
303
00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:52,846
It's been so many years
304
00:11:52,847 --> 00:11:54,714
Since I laughed so hard
and broke a blood vessel
305
00:11:54,715 --> 00:11:56,616
That I would even need
the ointment.
306
00:11:56,617 --> 00:11:57,784
I'm sorry.
307
00:11:57,785 --> 00:11:59,319
I don't mean to burden you
with this--
308
00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:01,388
Oxydine Three.
309
00:12:01,389 --> 00:12:03,256
Oxydine Three, that's what--
that was what--
310
00:12:03,257 --> 00:12:04,958
The name
of the ointment.
311
00:12:04,959 --> 00:12:07,127
Anyway, let's get back
to our ten stories.
312
00:12:07,128 --> 00:12:08,695
Here we go
with number two,
313
00:12:08,696 --> 00:12:11,498
The duck,
the deuce,
314
00:12:11,499 --> 00:12:12,999
Number two.
315
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:14,768
Poop.
316
00:12:38,726 --> 00:12:40,593
Hola.
317
00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,228
Como esta?
318
00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:46,199
Estoy bien.
319
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,567
Hola.
320
00:12:47,568 --> 00:12:49,302
Como esta?
321
00:12:49,303 --> 00:12:51,705
Estoy bien.
322
00:12:51,706 --> 00:12:53,640
Estoy bien.
323
00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:03,650
Te quiero,
mi amor.
324
00:13:03,651 --> 00:13:04,651
Brushing up
on your spanish?
325
00:13:04,652 --> 00:13:06,619
Yes.
Wait a minute.
326
00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:07,620
Si.
327
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:09,589
Ooh, that was
very good.
328
00:13:09,590 --> 00:13:10,724
Sounds just like
my nanny.
329
00:13:10,725 --> 00:13:12,058
Gracias.
330
00:13:12,059 --> 00:13:14,194
Mm-mm,
that wasn't as good.
331
00:13:14,195 --> 00:13:15,628
You had me
at "si,"
332
00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:17,530
But then you lost me
at "gracias."
333
00:13:17,531 --> 00:13:18,765
Anyway, I want you
to meet Tony.
334
00:13:18,766 --> 00:13:20,100
He's gonna be
filling in for you
335
00:13:20,101 --> 00:13:22,369
While you're in Mejico
all summer.
336
00:13:22,370 --> 00:13:23,370
Very good, Oliver.
337
00:13:23,371 --> 00:13:24,804
You used
the native pronunciation,
338
00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:26,873
Which includes the "x"
having an "h" sound.
339
00:13:26,874 --> 00:13:28,041
Mejico.
340
00:13:28,042 --> 00:13:30,176
See how much fun
we have together, Gloria?
341
00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:31,711
When are you gonna
get over yourself
342
00:13:31,712 --> 00:13:32,946
And go out with me
already?
343
00:13:32,947 --> 00:13:35,015
I wish I felt that way,
but I don't.
344
00:13:35,016 --> 00:13:38,551
Well, you can't blame a gal
for trying every day
345
00:13:38,552 --> 00:13:40,020
For five years.
346
00:13:40,021 --> 00:13:41,588
At any rate,
I want you to meet Tony,
347
00:13:41,589 --> 00:13:43,189
Your temporary
replacement.
348
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:44,257
Hey,
how's it going?
349
00:13:44,258 --> 00:13:46,826
Oh, didn't see you there.
350
00:13:46,827 --> 00:13:48,261
Oh.
351
00:13:48,262 --> 00:13:49,262
Hello.
352
00:13:49,263 --> 00:13:50,330
Sorry,
is that better?
353
00:13:50,331 --> 00:13:51,531
Much.
354
00:13:51,532 --> 00:13:53,033
Yeah.
355
00:13:53,034 --> 00:13:54,501
Well, the filing system
is over here.
356
00:13:54,502 --> 00:13:56,069
I've written down
the instructions
357
00:13:56,070 --> 00:13:57,203
For the voice mail
here.
358
00:13:57,204 --> 00:13:59,005
And if you need anything,
you can call me--
359
00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:00,340
Gloria, relax.
360
00:14:00,341 --> 00:14:02,108
Take your vacation.
361
00:14:02,109 --> 00:14:03,543
Go wild.
Have fun.
362
00:14:03,544 --> 00:14:04,944
Tony can handle things.
363
00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:06,212
Right, Tony?
364
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:07,580
Yup.
365
00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:13,920
Maybe you're right.
366
00:14:56,330 --> 00:14:58,531
Gracias.
367
00:15:03,004 --> 00:15:04,037
I--
368
00:15:04,038 --> 00:15:05,038
Yes?
369
00:15:05,039 --> 00:15:07,474
I want to--
370
00:15:07,475 --> 00:15:08,641
Yes?
371
00:15:08,642 --> 00:15:11,011
I want to...
372
00:15:11,012 --> 00:15:12,445
Fuck your tits.
373
00:15:12,446 --> 00:15:13,446
Yes?
374
00:15:13,447 --> 00:15:14,881
No, no.
375
00:15:14,882 --> 00:15:17,050
I don't think that's
what you're trying to say.
376
00:15:17,051 --> 00:15:18,118
One moment.
377
00:15:18,119 --> 00:15:19,586
One--one moment.
378
00:15:39,540 --> 00:15:41,708
guerita, guerita,
379
00:15:41,709 --> 00:15:43,043
Try these.
380
00:15:43,044 --> 00:15:44,144
Very juicy.
381
00:15:44,145 --> 00:15:46,680
Gracias.
382
00:16:21,315 --> 00:16:22,315
Hey, senorita!
383
00:16:22,316 --> 00:16:25,352
Tres pesos
for the mango!
384
00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:32,826
Gloria.
385
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:40,767
Gracias, Alfonzo,
but...
386
00:16:40,768 --> 00:16:43,703
Yo estoy tired
387
00:16:43,704 --> 00:16:44,904
From el air-o plane-o.
388
00:16:44,905 --> 00:16:45,839
Mm.
389
00:16:47,908 --> 00:16:49,376
Gloria,
390
00:16:49,377 --> 00:16:50,977
This is Jesus.
391
00:17:17,838 --> 00:17:19,305
Nice to meet you.
392
00:17:25,713 --> 00:17:27,647
Encantado.
393
00:18:11,992 --> 00:18:14,494
# El Fuego,
El Fuego. #
394
00:18:14,495 --> 00:18:16,429
# quiero what you got. #
395
00:18:16,430 --> 00:18:19,532
# El Fuego,
El Fuego #
396
00:18:19,533 --> 00:18:21,434
# is caliente, hot. #
397
00:18:21,435 --> 00:18:24,070
# El Fuego,
El Fuego. #
398
00:18:24,071 --> 00:18:26,573
# Quiero what you got. #
399
00:18:26,574 --> 00:18:29,009
# El Fuego,
El Fuego #
400
00:18:29,010 --> 00:18:31,411
# is caliente, hot. #
401
00:18:31,412 --> 00:18:33,813
# El Fuego,
El Fuego. #
402
00:18:33,814 --> 00:18:36,349
# Quiero what you got. #
403
00:18:36,350 --> 00:18:39,019
# El Fuego,
El Fuego. #
404
00:18:39,020 --> 00:18:42,288
Oh, Jesus.
405
00:19:59,734 --> 00:20:00,667
No, no, no.
406
00:20:09,643 --> 00:20:11,077
Gloria...
407
00:20:30,798 --> 00:20:31,998
Yeah, si, Pero...
408
00:20:31,999 --> 00:20:33,333
Okay.
409
00:20:43,544 --> 00:20:45,512
Wow.
410
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:27,320
Hey, hey!
411
00:22:43,531 --> 00:22:46,066
and this we pray to you,
our Lord and Savior,
412
00:22:46,067 --> 00:22:47,901
Jesus Christ.
413
00:22:50,338 --> 00:22:51,504
Oh, Oliver.
414
00:22:51,505 --> 00:22:52,839
Yes, Oliver.
415
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:53,940
Oh, yeah.
416
00:22:53,941 --> 00:22:55,642
Oh, Jesus.
417
00:22:55,643 --> 00:22:57,610
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
418
00:22:57,611 --> 00:22:59,112
Who the hell
is this Jesus guy?
419
00:22:59,113 --> 00:23:00,847
Nobody, Oliver.
420
00:23:00,848 --> 00:23:01,848
Don't overreact.
421
00:23:01,849 --> 00:23:03,616
I'm not overreacting.
422
00:23:03,617 --> 00:23:04,718
I mean, how would you
like it
423
00:23:04,719 --> 00:23:06,252
If I yelled out
Patricia's name
424
00:23:06,253 --> 00:23:07,687
In the middle of sex?
425
00:23:22,837 --> 00:23:26,039
Nine...
426
00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:28,942
Ten.
427
00:23:28,943 --> 00:23:29,976
Sorry about that.
428
00:23:29,977 --> 00:23:31,578
I'm a bit
of a health fiend.
429
00:23:31,579 --> 00:23:33,279
Since when
do you exercise?
430
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:34,381
What are you
talking about?
431
00:23:34,382 --> 00:23:35,548
I found this
downstairs.
432
00:23:35,549 --> 00:23:37,150
I thought I'd give my pecs
a little juice.
433
00:23:37,151 --> 00:23:39,319
Give your pecs
a little juice?
434
00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:40,687
What?
Juicing my pecs.
435
00:23:40,688 --> 00:23:42,188
I don't know.
436
00:23:42,189 --> 00:23:44,324
Something you're not telling me
about the pec juice.
437
00:23:44,325 --> 00:23:45,792
W--w--what
do you think, Gretchen?
438
00:23:45,793 --> 00:23:47,160
I'm screwing around
on you?
439
00:23:47,161 --> 00:23:48,261
Oh, wait, no.
Let me guess.
440
00:23:48,262 --> 00:23:49,529
I met some girl
at a coffee shop,
441
00:23:49,530 --> 00:23:51,965
And we made jokes about
the little cardboard things
442
00:23:51,966 --> 00:23:53,800
You put over a cup
so you don't burn your hands,
443
00:23:53,801 --> 00:23:56,136
And then we went out to my car,
and I screwed her twice?
444
00:23:56,137 --> 00:23:58,038
I wasn't saying
that at all.
445
00:23:58,039 --> 00:23:59,606
Well, then can I--
446
00:23:59,607 --> 00:24:01,341
Oh, please,
do your thing.
447
00:24:03,477 --> 00:24:05,245
Jeez, you hear that,
guys?
448
00:24:05,246 --> 00:24:06,346
Questioning
my pec juice.
449
00:24:06,347 --> 00:24:08,281
My pec juice.
450
00:24:08,282 --> 00:24:09,749
Sorry, I didn't mean
to get off track.
451
00:24:09,750 --> 00:24:10,917
Where--
452
00:24:10,918 --> 00:24:12,018
Oh, yeah,
that's right.
453
00:24:12,019 --> 00:24:13,620
Here's the third story.
454
00:24:26,802 --> 00:24:27,735
Scalpel.
455
00:24:28,804 --> 00:24:30,104
Scalpel.
456
00:24:31,406 --> 00:24:32,506
forceps.
457
00:24:32,507 --> 00:24:34,208
Forceps.
458
00:24:39,915 --> 00:24:41,549
Gesundheit.
Thank you.
459
00:24:42,918 --> 00:24:44,352
Grover Shepherd scissors.
460
00:24:44,353 --> 00:24:45,720
Grover Shepherd scissors.
461
00:24:50,025 --> 00:24:51,692
Okay,
sew her up.
462
00:24:51,693 --> 00:24:52,993
Good work,
Dr. Richie.
463
00:24:52,994 --> 00:24:54,662
Thanks, Nancy.
464
00:24:54,663 --> 00:24:56,063
Ooh!
465
00:25:00,836 --> 00:25:04,438
Oh, it hurts!
Oh! Every time I move!
466
00:25:04,439 --> 00:25:05,840
You're gonna be okay.
467
00:25:05,841 --> 00:25:07,942
Hey, hey, hey, sounds like
there's a cougar in here.
468
00:25:07,943 --> 00:25:09,043
How we doing today?
469
00:25:09,044 --> 00:25:10,544
Thank god you're here,
Dr. Richie.
470
00:25:10,545 --> 00:25:12,046
She's been in horrible pain
like this since the operation.
471
00:25:12,047 --> 00:25:13,180
yeah. Yeah, yeah.
472
00:25:13,181 --> 00:25:14,415
Oh, yeah,
I'm sure she has been.
473
00:25:14,416 --> 00:25:15,649
Here, come take a look.
474
00:25:15,650 --> 00:25:16,584
Okay.
475
00:25:20,255 --> 00:25:21,489
See this?
476
00:25:21,490 --> 00:25:23,290
This is Sheila
one hour post-op.
477
00:25:23,291 --> 00:25:25,526
And it's
my educated guess
478
00:25:25,527 --> 00:25:27,061
That the sharp
cutting blades
479
00:25:27,062 --> 00:25:28,696
Of the Grover Shepherd
medical scissors
480
00:25:28,697 --> 00:25:32,066
Is what's causing
most of the pain.
481
00:25:32,067 --> 00:25:34,435
You left a pair of scissors
inside of my wife?
482
00:25:36,138 --> 00:25:37,538
Yes, that's correct.
483
00:25:37,539 --> 00:25:39,006
How can you make
a mistake like that?
484
00:25:39,007 --> 00:25:40,608
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, it wasn't a mistake.
485
00:25:40,609 --> 00:25:42,109
I did it as a goof.
486
00:25:42,110 --> 00:25:43,110
You goofed?
487
00:25:43,111 --> 00:25:45,746
No, no, no.
Relax.
488
00:25:45,747 --> 00:25:46,747
As a goof.
489
00:25:46,748 --> 00:25:47,915
I did it
as a goof.
490
00:25:47,916 --> 00:25:49,150
I-I-I don't get it.
491
00:25:49,151 --> 00:25:50,985
Well, clearly,
you just don't know me.
492
00:25:50,986 --> 00:25:52,253
I goof a lot.
493
00:25:52,254 --> 00:25:53,788
My friends know
494
00:25:53,789 --> 00:25:55,322
That at least
half the time,
495
00:25:55,323 --> 00:25:56,457
I am goofing.
496
00:25:56,458 --> 00:25:57,591
The thing is,
497
00:25:57,592 --> 00:25:59,460
You need to understand
my sense of humor.
498
00:25:59,461 --> 00:26:00,461
I think that's it.
499
00:26:00,462 --> 00:26:02,163
Nancy,
you were here
500
00:26:02,164 --> 00:26:03,597
When I was operating
on this woman.
501
00:26:03,598 --> 00:26:05,299
I dropped the scissors
in her belly.
502
00:26:05,300 --> 00:26:06,901
Why did I do that?
503
00:26:06,902 --> 00:26:10,071
If I remember correctly,
you did it as a goof.
504
00:26:10,072 --> 00:26:11,105
Satisfied?
Is there anything else--
505
00:26:11,106 --> 00:26:12,907
Listen,
you son of a bitch.
506
00:26:12,908 --> 00:26:15,676
I want you to get that thing
out of my wife's stomach now!
507
00:26:18,246 --> 00:26:19,647
Sheila?
508
00:26:19,648 --> 00:26:20,648
Baby?
509
00:26:20,649 --> 00:26:22,149
Oh, she's dead.
510
00:26:22,150 --> 00:26:23,150
What?
511
00:26:23,151 --> 00:26:24,618
Wait,
is this a goof?
512
00:26:24,619 --> 00:26:25,619
Is this--
513
00:26:25,620 --> 00:26:26,921
No, she's dead.
514
00:26:26,922 --> 00:26:28,122
Do you still want me
515
00:26:28,123 --> 00:26:29,657
To take the scissors out--
mm, probably not.
516
00:26:29,658 --> 00:26:31,192
You murdered
my wife!
517
00:26:31,193 --> 00:26:34,295
Hey, guy,
as a goof,
518
00:26:34,296 --> 00:26:35,663
Guy,
as a goof.
519
00:26:35,664 --> 00:26:36,897
You know what?
520
00:26:36,898 --> 00:26:39,266
You're bad vibes.
I got to blow.
521
00:26:39,267 --> 00:26:41,535
Man, it's not
rocket science.
522
00:26:44,973 --> 00:26:47,008
So let me
get this straight.
523
00:26:47,009 --> 00:26:50,878
You're saying you dropped
a surgical instrument
524
00:26:50,879 --> 00:26:55,316
Into Mrs. Contiella's body
knowingly and deliberately.
525
00:26:55,317 --> 00:26:58,119
I have been
an exemplary surgeon
526
00:26:58,120 --> 00:26:59,620
For the last 20 years,
a good citizen,
527
00:26:59,621 --> 00:27:01,355
A father,
a family man,
528
00:27:01,356 --> 00:27:02,556
A husband.
529
00:27:06,395 --> 00:27:07,962
Did you deliberately
530
00:27:07,963 --> 00:27:10,464
put the scissors
into Mrs. Contiella's body?
531
00:27:10,465 --> 00:27:12,299
I would never,
under any circumstances,
532
00:27:12,300 --> 00:27:14,068
Do anything
to harm a patient
533
00:27:14,069 --> 00:27:15,536
unless I was doing it
as a goof.
534
00:27:15,537 --> 00:27:17,238
Did you put
the scissors in?
535
00:27:17,239 --> 00:27:18,305
I am a practicing
physician, sir.
536
00:27:18,306 --> 00:27:19,306
Did you put
the scissors in?
537
00:27:19,307 --> 00:27:20,975
For the last
20 years--
538
00:27:20,976 --> 00:27:21,976
Did you put
the scissors in?
539
00:27:21,977 --> 00:27:23,411
I am not gonna entertain--
540
00:27:23,412 --> 00:27:24,712
Did you put
the scissors in?
541
00:27:24,713 --> 00:27:27,381
As a goddamn goof!
542
00:27:34,356 --> 00:27:36,323
Ladies and Gentlemen
of the Jury,
543
00:27:36,324 --> 00:27:40,194
I like a goof
as much as the next guy.
544
00:27:40,195 --> 00:27:45,900
Hell, in college,
me and my polack roommate
545
00:27:45,901 --> 00:27:47,768
Once duct-taped
this oriental guy
546
00:27:47,769 --> 00:27:50,104
To the inside of the trunk
of my Corvette.
547
00:27:51,273 --> 00:27:54,342
So I get a goof.
548
00:27:54,343 --> 00:27:55,943
But there is a goof,
549
00:27:55,944 --> 00:27:59,580
And then
there is murder.
550
00:27:59,581 --> 00:28:00,781
Objection.
551
00:28:00,782 --> 00:28:01,982
Sustained.
552
00:28:01,983 --> 00:28:03,150
Overruled.
553
00:28:05,053 --> 00:28:06,187
Goofing.
554
00:28:07,356 --> 00:28:08,422
It's just--
555
00:28:08,423 --> 00:28:10,558
It's one
of the many examples of--
556
00:28:10,559 --> 00:28:11,726
I have heard enough.
557
00:28:11,727 --> 00:28:14,428
I hereby sentence you
to life in prison
558
00:28:14,429 --> 00:28:16,697
For the murder
of Sheila Contiella.
559
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:19,967
Uh, Your Honor.
560
00:28:21,436 --> 00:28:22,503
Don't we get a say
in this?
561
00:28:22,504 --> 00:28:23,704
Sure.
562
00:28:23,705 --> 00:28:26,073
You want to go through
the whole rigmarole?
563
00:28:26,074 --> 00:28:27,541
Be my guest.
564
00:28:33,015 --> 00:28:34,815
court is back
in session.
565
00:28:34,816 --> 00:28:40,321
Please rise for the Honorable
Sophia R. Jackson.
566
00:28:40,322 --> 00:28:42,123
Have you reached
a verdict?
We have, Your Honor.
567
00:28:42,124 --> 00:28:43,324
We, The Jury,
568
00:28:43,325 --> 00:28:44,892
Find the defendant
569
00:28:44,893 --> 00:28:46,093
Guilty
570
00:28:46,094 --> 00:28:49,063
Of murder
in the first degree.
571
00:28:49,064 --> 00:28:51,032
Uh, not to be a dick
about this,
572
00:28:51,033 --> 00:28:54,135
But didn't I say that
about three hours ago?
573
00:28:54,136 --> 00:28:55,936
But you insisted
on going in there and--
574
00:28:55,937 --> 00:28:57,938
But, your honor, that's how
the judicial system works.
575
00:28:57,939 --> 00:29:01,075
Oh, is that how
the judicial system works?
576
00:29:01,076 --> 00:29:04,345
Please, please,
tell her honor more
577
00:29:04,346 --> 00:29:05,479
About how it all works.
578
00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:06,981
I would really
like to know.
579
00:29:06,982 --> 00:29:10,351
So the verdict is,
as I said before,
580
00:29:10,352 --> 00:29:13,154
Life in prison
for Dr. Richie.
581
00:29:13,155 --> 00:29:14,889
Is this a goof?
582
00:29:14,890 --> 00:29:16,090
I don't think so.
583
00:29:16,091 --> 00:29:17,958
If I could,
I'd sentence all 12 of you
584
00:29:17,959 --> 00:29:21,095
To death
by my foot up your ass.
585
00:29:21,096 --> 00:29:22,463
Fucking assholes.
586
00:29:24,433 --> 00:29:26,267
Thank you,
your honor.
587
00:29:26,268 --> 00:29:27,768
Uh,
588
00:29:27,769 --> 00:29:28,769
You,
589
00:29:28,770 --> 00:29:30,037
You're disbarred.
590
00:29:30,038 --> 00:29:31,205
Me? Why?
591
00:29:31,206 --> 00:29:32,606
What am I gonna do?
592
00:29:32,607 --> 00:29:34,208
I hear they're hiring
tour guides
593
00:29:34,209 --> 00:29:36,277
At the nuclear
power plant.
594
00:29:36,278 --> 00:29:37,545
That could work,
I suppose.
595
00:29:37,546 --> 00:29:39,213
The hours have got to be
better than this.
596
00:29:39,214 --> 00:29:41,282
You've been very sweet
during all this.
597
00:29:41,283 --> 00:29:42,850
Thank you.
598
00:30:09,644 --> 00:30:12,847
From now on,
you Big Buster's wife.
599
00:30:12,848 --> 00:30:15,950
Oh, no,
no, no, no, no.
600
00:30:15,951 --> 00:30:17,418
I'm--
I'm already taken,
601
00:30:17,419 --> 00:30:19,420
So you're probably gonna have
to find somebody else.
602
00:30:29,498 --> 00:30:32,333
You'd better shut the fuck up
and start sucking my dick.
603
00:30:34,503 --> 00:30:36,037
I'm goofing.
604
00:30:36,038 --> 00:30:38,239
Oh.
605
00:30:40,742 --> 00:30:43,577
Yeah, okay.
606
00:30:43,578 --> 00:30:45,179
Very good. Okay.
607
00:30:45,180 --> 00:30:46,447
No, I'm not.
608
00:30:46,448 --> 00:30:48,082
Do it.
609
00:30:49,518 --> 00:30:52,019
Mm!
610
00:30:52,020 --> 00:30:54,055
Are you sure your wife
is gonna be gone all day?
611
00:30:54,056 --> 00:30:55,222
Oh, yeah.
612
00:30:55,223 --> 00:30:57,091
Yeah, she's disassembling
the basketball court
613
00:30:57,092 --> 00:30:58,159
And putting in
an ice rink.
614
00:30:58,160 --> 00:30:59,560
Plus, half her crew
didn't show up,
615
00:30:59,561 --> 00:31:01,228
So she won't be home
for hours; trust me.
616
00:31:01,229 --> 00:31:02,530
Oh, I don't know.
I mean--
617
00:31:02,531 --> 00:31:04,532
Well, what's the alternative?
We go to your place?
618
00:31:04,533 --> 00:31:06,534
Your roommate's
a modern-day Gloria Steinem.
619
00:31:06,535 --> 00:31:07,735
I'll be making love
with you,
620
00:31:07,736 --> 00:31:09,070
And she'll be
in the room next door
621
00:31:09,071 --> 00:31:10,438
Having
a bra-burning session.
622
00:31:10,439 --> 00:31:11,972
What's so terrible
about women's lib?
623
00:31:11,973 --> 00:31:13,774
You know, I think they make
some really good points.
624
00:31:13,775 --> 00:31:15,176
Don't get me wrong.
625
00:31:15,177 --> 00:31:16,977
I'm all for equal pay.
626
00:31:16,978 --> 00:31:19,413
But there are some differences
beyond just the plumbing.
627
00:31:19,414 --> 00:31:20,414
Do I want you
on the front lines?
628
00:31:20,415 --> 00:31:21,849
I don't think so.
629
00:31:21,850 --> 00:31:23,784
The Russians will come in
with their guns a-blazin',
630
00:31:23,785 --> 00:31:25,453
And you guys will be out
powdering your boobs.
631
00:31:25,454 --> 00:31:28,222
You know I get so hot
when you talk politics.
632
00:31:31,259 --> 00:31:32,893
So when you gonna break up
with Gretchen?
633
00:31:32,894 --> 00:31:34,228
Soon. Soon.
634
00:31:34,229 --> 00:31:35,396
But you've made promises
to me!
635
00:31:35,397 --> 00:31:36,764
I--I know.
636
00:31:36,765 --> 00:31:37,798
Liz, it's complicated.
637
00:31:37,799 --> 00:31:38,833
You have to be patient.
638
00:31:38,834 --> 00:31:40,868
I know.
I--
639
00:31:41,970 --> 00:31:44,839
I'll tell Gretchen
this week.
640
00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:46,307
Here's the next story.
641
00:31:46,308 --> 00:31:48,309
Mm.
642
00:31:48,310 --> 00:31:51,178
I'm getting excited.
643
00:31:51,179 --> 00:31:52,880
Can you feel me?
644
00:32:05,927 --> 00:32:06,927
There you go.
645
00:32:06,928 --> 00:32:09,130
Ahh!
646
00:32:09,131 --> 00:32:10,698
There you go.
There you go.
647
00:32:10,699 --> 00:32:13,567
Oh, you did it.
648
00:32:13,568 --> 00:32:14,802
Is it a boy
or a girl?
649
00:32:14,803 --> 00:32:16,904
Let me put it this way:
the first one's a boy.
650
00:32:16,905 --> 00:32:19,373
And here comes
boy number two.
651
00:32:19,374 --> 00:32:21,242
oh, My God!
652
00:32:23,011 --> 00:32:24,178
Oh!
653
00:32:24,179 --> 00:32:26,447
Are there any more
in there, vagina?
654
00:32:27,649 --> 00:32:29,550
I love it!
655
00:32:29,551 --> 00:32:31,352
Oh.
656
00:32:31,353 --> 00:32:34,822
They're my little guys.
657
00:32:34,823 --> 00:32:39,193
Oh, I am gonna love you
till the day I die.
658
00:32:53,308 --> 00:32:57,311
Now that Dad's gone
and we're grown up,
659
00:32:57,312 --> 00:32:59,513
We think it's time for you
to tell us the truth.
660
00:32:59,514 --> 00:33:01,415
About what?
661
00:33:01,416 --> 00:33:03,984
About the fact
that you and Dad are white
662
00:33:03,985 --> 00:33:05,453
And we're black.
663
00:33:06,521 --> 00:33:08,589
Ah, right.
664
00:33:08,590 --> 00:33:11,192
Yeah, I had a feeling
this day would come.
665
00:33:11,193 --> 00:33:14,028
The year
before you were born,
666
00:33:14,029 --> 00:33:17,531
I was the entertainment reporter
for the local newspaper.
667
00:33:17,532 --> 00:33:21,769
And I had an opportunity
to interview all the big stars:
668
00:33:21,770 --> 00:33:26,040
Denzel Washington,
Morgan Freeman,
669
00:33:26,041 --> 00:33:28,442
Sidney Poitier,
everybody.
670
00:33:28,443 --> 00:33:31,379
And even though
I was married to your father
671
00:33:31,380 --> 00:33:34,749
And very, very much
in love with him,
672
00:33:34,750 --> 00:33:38,085
From time to time,
after the interviews,
673
00:33:38,086 --> 00:33:43,190
These stars would...
674
00:33:43,191 --> 00:33:44,258
Fuck me.
675
00:33:44,259 --> 00:33:45,726
Mom, cut to the chase.
676
00:33:45,727 --> 00:33:47,395
Did you have sex
with these guys or not?
677
00:33:47,396 --> 00:33:48,696
Well, as I said--
678
00:33:48,697 --> 00:33:50,264
Who's our
biological father?
679
00:33:50,265 --> 00:33:54,301
So one night
after an interview,
680
00:33:54,302 --> 00:33:55,970
I took the opportunity
681
00:33:55,971 --> 00:33:59,974
To fuck
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
682
00:33:59,975 --> 00:34:01,008
And?
683
00:34:01,009 --> 00:34:03,210
Do you need me
to spell it out for you?
684
00:34:03,211 --> 00:34:04,178
Yes.
Yes.
685
00:34:06,348 --> 00:34:09,016
I...
686
00:34:09,017 --> 00:34:15,256
F-u-c-k-e-d...
687
00:34:15,257 --> 00:34:20,695
A-r-n-o-l-d
688
00:34:20,696 --> 00:34:23,964
S-c-h--
689
00:34:23,965 --> 00:34:25,766
Mom--
let her finish.
690
00:34:25,767 --> 00:34:32,340
W-a-r-e-n...
691
00:34:32,341 --> 00:34:35,343
E-g-g...
692
00:34:35,344 --> 00:34:37,878
E-r.
693
00:34:37,879 --> 00:34:40,815
So you're saying
Arnold Schwarzenegger's
694
00:34:40,816 --> 00:34:41,916
Our biological father?
695
00:34:41,917 --> 00:34:43,217
Yes.
696
00:34:43,218 --> 00:34:45,419
It's why you're both
so tall.
697
00:34:45,420 --> 00:34:46,520
I always told everyone
698
00:34:46,521 --> 00:34:48,022
It was because
you got too much sun.
699
00:34:48,023 --> 00:34:49,924
But how can you
be sure it's--
700
00:34:49,925 --> 00:34:51,125
I'm positive.
701
00:34:51,126 --> 00:34:53,260
He was the only man
I was with during that time.
702
00:34:53,261 --> 00:34:56,030
And I took the blood test
to prove it.
703
00:34:56,031 --> 00:34:57,498
How does that explain
the dark color of our skin?
704
00:34:57,499 --> 00:34:58,966
I know.
705
00:34:58,967 --> 00:35:01,836
I know.
Believe me, I know.
706
00:35:06,708 --> 00:35:09,210
Boys,
since our conversation,
707
00:35:09,211 --> 00:35:11,512
I've been thinking
about it a lot.
708
00:35:11,513 --> 00:35:14,515
And I've decided
it's best
709
00:35:14,516 --> 00:35:16,851
For you to meet
your real father.
710
00:35:16,852 --> 00:35:18,085
Really?
711
00:35:18,086 --> 00:35:19,687
Yes.
712
00:35:19,688 --> 00:35:23,090
So without
further ado,
713
00:35:23,091 --> 00:35:24,992
You knew "he'd be back,"
714
00:35:24,993 --> 00:35:26,961
And here is--
715
00:35:26,962 --> 00:35:31,666
The man, the machine,
your dad,
716
00:35:31,667 --> 00:35:37,772
The incomparable
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
717
00:35:37,773 --> 00:35:39,674
hello, my sons.
718
00:35:39,675 --> 00:35:41,475
I'm Arnold.
719
00:35:41,476 --> 00:35:45,012
So thrilled to finally meet
my two boys.
720
00:35:45,013 --> 00:35:46,547
It will be fantastic.
721
00:35:46,548 --> 00:35:48,616
Do you want to go around
throw outside the ball,
722
00:35:48,617 --> 00:35:49,984
Something like this?
723
00:35:49,985 --> 00:35:53,320
Mom, that's not
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
724
00:35:55,357 --> 00:35:57,191
Arnold, could you wait
in the living room
725
00:35:57,192 --> 00:35:58,225
For just a second?
726
00:35:58,226 --> 00:35:59,927
Of course.
727
00:35:59,928 --> 00:36:02,596
I'll be back.
728
00:36:02,597 --> 00:36:04,832
Look, I tried
to get in touch with Arnold,
729
00:36:04,833 --> 00:36:06,300
But he's a major
politician now,
730
00:36:06,301 --> 00:36:08,669
And I couldn't even get past
the receptionist.
731
00:36:08,670 --> 00:36:09,804
That guy
732
00:36:09,805 --> 00:36:11,906
Does corporate events
as Arnold,
733
00:36:11,907 --> 00:36:13,674
So I thought at least
it would give you an idea
734
00:36:13,675 --> 00:36:15,343
Of what it'd be like
to have him around.
735
00:36:15,344 --> 00:36:16,744
Okay, mom.
736
00:36:16,745 --> 00:36:17,745
Thanks.
737
00:36:17,746 --> 00:36:19,947
We'll try
to make it work.
738
00:36:19,948 --> 00:36:22,917
That's my beautiful boys.
739
00:36:22,918 --> 00:36:24,352
I'm back.
740
00:36:24,353 --> 00:36:28,055
Oh, hey...
741
00:36:28,056 --> 00:36:29,090
Dad.
742
00:36:29,091 --> 00:36:31,859
Son.
743
00:36:33,261 --> 00:36:34,362
Oh, here we go.
Get him! Get him!
744
00:36:34,363 --> 00:36:35,363
I'm gonna get you!
745
00:36:35,364 --> 00:36:36,864
Oh, good one.
Okay.
746
00:36:36,865 --> 00:36:39,266
You split right.
Split left.
747
00:36:39,267 --> 00:36:40,935
Fantastic!
748
00:36:42,270 --> 00:36:44,772
Okay, here we go.
749
00:36:44,773 --> 00:36:46,640
Oh, dear.
750
00:36:50,946 --> 00:36:52,179
I know this time
for you two
751
00:36:52,180 --> 00:36:54,215
Must have been
very difficult
752
00:36:54,216 --> 00:36:56,751
On so many levels.
753
00:36:56,752 --> 00:36:59,987
One, your father
passing away
754
00:36:59,988 --> 00:37:01,689
Not more
than a week ago
755
00:37:01,690 --> 00:37:03,157
At the young age
of 42,
756
00:37:03,158 --> 00:37:04,525
Finally succumbing,
757
00:37:04,526 --> 00:37:08,062
After a courageous battle
with liver cancer.
758
00:37:08,063 --> 00:37:10,164
Two, the revelation
759
00:37:10,165 --> 00:37:11,632
That your real
biological father
760
00:37:11,633 --> 00:37:14,335
Is none other than
international-movie-megastar-
761
00:37:14,336 --> 00:37:16,303
Turned-California-Governor.
762
00:37:16,304 --> 00:37:19,240
You know who he is,
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
763
00:37:19,241 --> 00:37:21,342
And three,
764
00:37:21,343 --> 00:37:23,978
Having me,
Marc Jacobson,
765
00:37:23,979 --> 00:37:25,780
Second-rate
stand-up comedian
766
00:37:25,781 --> 00:37:28,883
Doing 24-hour-day
impression of Arnold
767
00:37:28,884 --> 00:37:32,420
In the effort to make you
comfor-tay-ble--comfortable.
768
00:37:32,421 --> 00:37:34,955
Com-for-table?
769
00:37:34,956 --> 00:37:38,793
And four, the ongoing confusion
over the fact
770
00:37:38,794 --> 00:37:41,128
That you have
two white biological parents
771
00:37:41,129 --> 00:37:42,430
And yet you yourselves
772
00:37:42,431 --> 00:37:46,867
Are quite obviously dark-skinned
African-American boys.
773
00:37:46,868 --> 00:37:47,935
Must be hard.
774
00:37:47,936 --> 00:37:50,271
That really sums it up.
775
00:37:50,272 --> 00:37:52,340
You know, you don't always
have to do the Arnold voice
776
00:37:52,341 --> 00:37:53,274
If you don't want to.
777
00:37:57,646 --> 00:38:01,082
Listen,
to be honest with you,
778
00:38:01,083 --> 00:38:04,185
Sometimes it's easier for me
to express my true feelings
779
00:38:04,186 --> 00:38:05,953
While doing
this impersonation.
780
00:38:05,954 --> 00:38:08,289
There are things
781
00:38:08,290 --> 00:38:09,757
That Arnold Schwarzenegger
can say
782
00:38:09,758 --> 00:38:14,095
That Marc Jacobson can't.
783
00:38:14,096 --> 00:38:15,029
Or won't.
784
00:38:17,699 --> 00:38:19,533
Come on, race you
back to the house!
785
00:38:35,751 --> 00:38:36,817
I let you win
on purpose.
786
00:38:36,818 --> 00:38:37,818
You know
I let you win.
787
00:38:37,819 --> 00:38:41,756
Oh, look at my boys
all sweaty.
788
00:38:41,757 --> 00:38:42,990
Mom, was the real
Arnold Schwarzenegger
789
00:38:42,991 --> 00:38:44,325
As nice as this one?
790
00:38:44,326 --> 00:38:45,926
Well, I haven't thought
about that night in years.
791
00:38:45,927 --> 00:38:47,495
But if I remember...
792
00:38:49,264 --> 00:38:50,364
Oh, my god.
793
00:38:50,365 --> 00:38:52,166
You're gonna hate me
for this.
794
00:38:52,167 --> 00:38:54,802
I made a little boo-boo.
795
00:38:57,806 --> 00:39:00,107
It wasn't
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
796
00:39:01,543 --> 00:39:04,412
It was Arsenio Hall.
797
00:39:05,414 --> 00:39:06,847
well, that explains a lot.
798
00:39:06,848 --> 00:39:08,716
So good to finally know
the real truth.
799
00:39:08,717 --> 00:39:10,718
What about the blood test
you were talking about?
800
00:39:10,719 --> 00:39:12,987
They were for
Arsenio Hall.
801
00:39:12,988 --> 00:39:13,921
Oh.
802
00:39:15,190 --> 00:39:16,691
So where does that
leave me?
803
00:39:16,692 --> 00:39:18,959
Well, can you do Arsenio?
804
00:39:20,028 --> 00:39:21,028
No.
805
00:39:22,698 --> 00:39:24,065
I can do
Eddie Murphy.
806
00:39:24,066 --> 00:39:25,232
A while back,
I used to do
807
00:39:25,233 --> 00:39:26,367
A pretty good Eddie Murphy.
808
00:39:26,368 --> 00:39:27,435
That's fine.
809
00:39:27,436 --> 00:39:29,136
Same difference.
810
00:39:29,137 --> 00:39:30,971
Yeah? Okay.
811
00:39:30,972 --> 00:39:32,540
Oh, yeah.
812
00:39:32,541 --> 00:39:34,442
I got some ice cream.
813
00:39:34,443 --> 00:39:36,477
You cannot have none,
814
00:39:36,478 --> 00:39:37,478
'cause you on welfare.
815
00:39:37,479 --> 00:39:38,746
I'm Gumby, damn it.
816
00:39:38,747 --> 00:39:40,247
Psych!
Psych!
817
00:39:40,248 --> 00:39:41,248
Remember?
818
00:39:41,249 --> 00:39:42,249
Yeah.
819
00:39:42,250 --> 00:39:43,250
I got
the ice cream.
820
00:39:43,251 --> 00:39:44,785
Yeah.
821
00:39:44,786 --> 00:39:47,021
You may think our family's
a little different,
822
00:39:47,022 --> 00:39:48,422
But you know what?
823
00:39:48,423 --> 00:39:51,392
It's our family,
and that's what counts.
824
00:39:51,393 --> 00:39:53,961
Who's to say
who your father is?
825
00:39:53,962 --> 00:39:55,563
Is it the person
who raised you?
826
00:39:55,564 --> 00:39:57,765
Is it the person
who gave you your DNA?
827
00:39:57,766 --> 00:39:59,600
Or maybe it's the guy
who hangs out in your house
828
00:39:59,601 --> 00:40:01,502
Doing an imitation
of a famous comedian
829
00:40:01,503 --> 00:40:03,804
Who is the same race
as another famous comedian
830
00:40:03,805 --> 00:40:05,906
Who is
your biological father.
831
00:40:05,907 --> 00:40:08,442
If you ask us,
it's the last one:
832
00:40:08,443 --> 00:40:10,044
The guy who hangs out
at your house
833
00:40:10,045 --> 00:40:11,946
Doing an imitation
of a famous comedian
834
00:40:11,947 --> 00:40:14,148
Who's the same race
as another famous comedian
835
00:40:14,149 --> 00:40:16,083
Who is
your biological father.
836
00:40:16,084 --> 00:40:17,318
I'm Greg Jaffe.
837
00:40:17,319 --> 00:40:18,719
And I'm Taye Jaffe.
838
00:40:18,720 --> 00:40:21,088
and we are
the Jaffe brothers.
839
00:40:21,089 --> 00:40:22,857
Good night,
folks.
840
00:40:25,861 --> 00:40:32,668
# #
841
00:40:32,669 --> 00:40:34,703
Gretchen is a terrific wife,
842
00:40:34,704 --> 00:40:37,372
But Liz--
she makes me feel young
843
00:40:37,373 --> 00:40:40,475
And vital and vibrant,
visceral.
844
00:40:40,476 --> 00:40:42,778
And the sex--
Abe, the sex.
845
00:40:42,779 --> 00:40:44,146
Yeah, but is it
worth it, Jeff?
846
00:40:44,147 --> 00:40:46,214
I mean, is it worth throwing
away 12 years of marriage
847
00:40:46,215 --> 00:40:47,683
For a momentary thrill?
848
00:40:47,684 --> 00:40:49,785
Monogamy is a myth.
849
00:40:49,786 --> 00:40:51,086
It's a myth.
850
00:40:51,087 --> 00:40:53,355
No, monogamy is what keeps
society from crumbling.
851
00:40:53,356 --> 00:40:54,556
That's absolutely
not true.
852
00:40:54,557 --> 00:40:57,693
We are biochemically engineered
to spread our seed.
853
00:40:57,694 --> 00:40:59,461
And the moment
you embrace that truth,
854
00:40:59,462 --> 00:41:00,462
The happier
you will be.
855
00:41:00,463 --> 00:41:01,563
I'm happy
with Betsy.
856
00:41:01,564 --> 00:41:02,564
He's not.
You're not.
857
00:41:02,565 --> 00:41:03,565
You convinced yourself
you are,
858
00:41:03,566 --> 00:41:04,633
But you're not.
I really am.
859
00:41:04,634 --> 00:41:05,634
I mean, is it great
24 hours a day?
860
00:41:05,635 --> 00:41:06,835
No, but I, you know,
sleep a lot
861
00:41:06,836 --> 00:41:07,969
To shield out
the pain.
862
00:41:07,970 --> 00:41:08,970
If I can get my milk
863
00:41:08,971 --> 00:41:09,971
For free,
864
00:41:09,972 --> 00:41:11,073
You can be damn sure
865
00:41:11,074 --> 00:41:12,574
I'm gonna start
fucking cows.
866
00:41:12,575 --> 00:41:13,742
That's easy
for you to say.
867
00:41:13,743 --> 00:41:14,910
Literally,
I'm literally--
868
00:41:14,911 --> 00:41:16,545
You've never been married.
I have kids.
869
00:41:16,546 --> 00:41:17,979
I'm so serious,
it's not even funny.
870
00:41:17,980 --> 00:41:19,381
They're the ones that keep me
from slitting my wrists
871
00:41:19,382 --> 00:41:20,549
When I wake up
in the morning.
872
00:41:20,550 --> 00:41:21,917
You are living
in a fantasy world.
873
00:41:21,918 --> 00:41:22,984
Okay, maybe so,
874
00:41:22,985 --> 00:41:24,486
But I take a pill,
and I feel better.
875
00:41:24,487 --> 00:41:26,955
Oh, I don't know
who to believe.
876
00:41:26,956 --> 00:41:28,523
Abe or Scotty?
877
00:41:28,524 --> 00:41:31,460
Scotty or Abe?
878
00:41:31,461 --> 00:41:34,830
I do know this:
we've got ten stories.
879
00:41:34,831 --> 00:41:36,865
And I'm not gonna
let you down.
880
00:41:36,866 --> 00:41:38,700
I promise you that.
881
00:42:14,804 --> 00:42:16,405
son of a bitch.
882
00:42:16,406 --> 00:42:20,909
Paul went and bought himself
a CAT Scan Machine.
883
00:42:20,910 --> 00:42:22,044
a CAT Scan Machine?
884
00:42:22,045 --> 00:42:23,612
Like a hospital
CAT Scan Machine?
885
00:42:23,613 --> 00:42:24,713
Why would he do that?
886
00:42:24,714 --> 00:42:26,214
That seems ridiculous.
887
00:42:26,215 --> 00:42:29,151
Probably wants
to be a hero.
888
00:42:36,626 --> 00:42:39,561
You know what?
889
00:42:39,562 --> 00:42:41,863
We're gonna get
a CAT Scan Machine.
890
00:42:41,864 --> 00:42:43,498
Honey, you wouldn't know
the first thing
891
00:42:43,499 --> 00:42:45,000
About what to do
with a CAT scan.
892
00:42:45,001 --> 00:42:46,134
We'll figure it out.
893
00:42:46,135 --> 00:42:47,369
If I can set up
the VCR,
894
00:42:47,370 --> 00:42:48,937
I can set up
a CAT Scan Machine.
895
00:42:48,938 --> 00:42:50,172
I set up the VCR.
896
00:42:50,173 --> 00:42:51,173
Ray!
897
00:42:51,174 --> 00:42:52,974
I didn't mean it.
898
00:42:52,975 --> 00:42:54,142
I'm sorry,
Jakey.
899
00:42:54,143 --> 00:42:55,911
You know Daddy
loves you, right?
900
00:42:55,912 --> 00:42:57,846
# Daddy loves
his little boy. #
901
00:42:57,847 --> 00:42:59,348
I did set up
the VCR, though.
902
00:42:59,349 --> 00:43:00,549
Ray!
903
00:43:00,550 --> 00:43:02,250
I didn't mean it.
I'm sorry, Jakey.
904
00:43:03,319 --> 00:43:05,654
You know Daddy
loves you, right?
905
00:43:05,655 --> 00:43:06,988
# Daddy loves
his little boy. #
906
00:43:06,989 --> 00:43:07,989
I love you too,
Daddy.
907
00:43:07,990 --> 00:43:09,257
Ray!
908
00:43:09,258 --> 00:43:10,192
What?
909
00:43:17,700 --> 00:43:19,701
Unbelievable.
He bought a CAT scan.
910
00:43:19,702 --> 00:43:21,336
What's the big deal, dad?
911
00:43:21,337 --> 00:43:22,437
Paul!
912
00:43:22,438 --> 00:43:23,638
Oh, my god, Kalen.
913
00:43:23,639 --> 00:43:25,073
I'm so sorry.
Daddy didn't mean it.
914
00:43:26,509 --> 00:43:27,542
Nice and easy.
915
00:43:27,543 --> 00:43:28,577
Watch the curb.
916
00:43:28,578 --> 00:43:29,878
Right up there.
Right upstairs.
917
00:43:29,879 --> 00:43:33,382
Son of a bitch!
918
00:43:33,383 --> 00:43:35,851
I got to get
another one.
919
00:43:49,699 --> 00:43:53,735
Jesus Christ,
that sneaky son of a bitch.
920
00:43:56,706 --> 00:43:57,706
Come on, Ray.
921
00:43:57,707 --> 00:43:59,207
Don't be ridic--oh!
922
00:44:03,212 --> 00:44:04,880
I'm sorry, honey.
I didn't see you there.
923
00:44:08,184 --> 00:44:09,985
don't look at him.
Don't talk to him.
924
00:44:11,688 --> 00:44:13,655
Get in the car.
925
00:44:13,656 --> 00:44:15,524
wh--why?
What is this about?
926
00:44:15,525 --> 00:44:17,259
this is why.
927
00:44:17,260 --> 00:44:19,027
I don't want to talk
to you anymore.
928
00:44:19,028 --> 00:44:19,961
I'm done with you.
929
00:45:22,759 --> 00:45:24,126
Oh!
930
00:45:24,127 --> 00:45:26,061
Son of a bitch!
931
00:45:41,144 --> 00:45:42,377
Hey.
932
00:45:42,378 --> 00:45:43,812
Hey.
933
00:45:43,813 --> 00:45:46,581
You look like shit.
934
00:45:46,582 --> 00:45:48,083
So do you.
935
00:45:48,084 --> 00:45:49,785
Yeah, I--
936
00:45:49,786 --> 00:45:50,719
Right.
937
00:45:53,890 --> 00:45:55,190
Let me ask you something.
938
00:45:55,191 --> 00:45:57,859
Do you give the guys that
deliver your CAT scan a tip?
939
00:45:57,860 --> 00:45:59,594
I usually throw them
five bucks
940
00:45:59,595 --> 00:46:00,696
So they can grab
some lunch.
941
00:46:00,697 --> 00:46:02,864
Five bucks?
942
00:46:02,865 --> 00:46:04,466
Where do you get lunch
for five bucks?
943
00:46:04,467 --> 00:46:07,169
McDownald's.
944
00:46:07,170 --> 00:46:09,671
Boorger king.
945
00:46:09,672 --> 00:46:10,672
Woondy's.
946
00:46:10,673 --> 00:46:11,673
I love it.
947
00:46:11,674 --> 00:46:13,008
Little changes
to the names
948
00:46:13,009 --> 00:46:15,577
Of the most famous
fast-food chains.
949
00:46:15,578 --> 00:46:17,713
That's right.
950
00:46:17,714 --> 00:46:22,050
I really do
love it, ray.
951
00:46:22,051 --> 00:46:24,086
Thanks.
952
00:46:26,189 --> 00:46:29,458
This is
the radioactive core
953
00:46:29,459 --> 00:46:31,259
Where the nuclear power
comes from
954
00:46:31,260 --> 00:46:34,629
So you can all plug in
your pac-man machines.
955
00:46:34,630 --> 00:46:36,531
Doesn't it look like
it's getting too hot in there?
956
00:46:36,532 --> 00:46:37,799
No, no, no.
Don't you worry.
957
00:46:37,800 --> 00:46:39,568
We have a perfect
safety record here.
958
00:46:39,569 --> 00:46:40,836
We know
what we're doing.
959
00:46:42,038 --> 00:46:43,572
attention.
960
00:46:43,573 --> 00:46:44,639
This is not a drill.
961
00:46:46,642 --> 00:46:48,176
It's happening.
962
00:46:48,177 --> 00:46:49,511
It's happening!
963
00:46:49,512 --> 00:46:52,481
No, no, no,
no, no, no!
964
00:46:52,482 --> 00:46:54,716
There are 75 kids
out there
965
00:46:54,717 --> 00:46:55,851
Who may have
been exposed
966
00:46:55,852 --> 00:46:57,919
To dangerous levels
of radiation!
967
00:46:57,920 --> 00:46:59,187
What the hell
are we gonna do?
968
00:46:59,188 --> 00:47:00,622
They're at risk
unless we can get
969
00:47:00,623 --> 00:47:02,791
All of them tested
within the next hour.
970
00:47:02,792 --> 00:47:04,026
Impossible.
971
00:47:04,027 --> 00:47:05,794
Where are we gonna find
CAT Scan Machines
972
00:47:05,795 --> 00:47:07,863
For every kid
within a ten-mile radius?
973
00:47:07,864 --> 00:47:08,964
I have an idea!
974
00:47:08,965 --> 00:47:10,565
What is it, son?
We don't have much time!
975
00:47:10,566 --> 00:47:12,000
Okay,
it's a reality show.
976
00:47:12,001 --> 00:47:13,435
We get ten
homeless people,
977
00:47:13,436 --> 00:47:15,704
And America votes on which one
gets a penthouse apartment.
978
00:47:15,705 --> 00:47:17,039
What's the hook?
What's the hook?
979
00:47:17,040 --> 00:47:19,074
Is there a host,
a celebrity panel?
980
00:47:19,075 --> 00:47:20,542
I don't know!
981
00:47:20,543 --> 00:47:22,444
It's just a seed
of an idea.
982
00:47:22,445 --> 00:47:23,979
I haven't really
thought it out yet.
983
00:47:23,980 --> 00:47:25,414
All right,
there's something to that,
984
00:47:25,415 --> 00:47:26,715
But we're gonna have
to talk about it later
985
00:47:26,716 --> 00:47:27,883
When I can really focus.
986
00:47:27,884 --> 00:47:28,884
Wait a second!
987
00:47:28,885 --> 00:47:30,452
Doesn't your dad
988
00:47:30,453 --> 00:47:33,455
Have a whole bunch
of CAT Scan Machines?
989
00:47:49,405 --> 00:47:50,806
Oh, come on!
Come on! Come on!
990
00:47:50,807 --> 00:47:53,008
There's nobody here!
What about your house?
991
00:47:53,009 --> 00:47:54,810
No, there's no one
here either!
992
00:47:54,811 --> 00:47:56,278
I don't have my key!
993
00:48:26,576 --> 00:48:31,079
# people are talking,
talking 'bout people. #
994
00:48:31,080 --> 00:48:33,548
# I hear them whisper. #
995
00:48:33,549 --> 00:48:35,884
# you won't believe it. #
996
00:48:35,885 --> 00:48:40,489
# they think we're lovers
kept under covers. #
997
00:48:40,490 --> 00:48:41,890
# I just ignore it. #
998
00:48:41,891 --> 00:48:43,992
It's nice to take a break
from that CAT Scan mishigas,
999
00:48:43,993 --> 00:48:45,660
Get out of the house.
1000
00:48:45,661 --> 00:48:48,897
You said it, neighbor.
1001
00:48:48,898 --> 00:48:49,931
Salut.
1002
00:48:49,932 --> 00:48:51,333
Clink!
1003
00:48:51,334 --> 00:48:53,735
# we stand
just a little too close. #
1004
00:48:53,736 --> 00:48:59,174
# we stare
just a little too long. #
1005
00:48:59,175 --> 00:49:03,912
# maybe they're seeing
something we don't, darling. #
1006
00:49:03,913 --> 00:49:07,015
# let's give them something
to talk about. #
1007
00:49:07,016 --> 00:49:09,951
open the door.
1008
00:49:09,952 --> 00:49:12,421
Open the door.
1009
00:49:12,422 --> 00:49:13,655
The kids are just--
1010
00:49:13,656 --> 00:49:15,590
They're just
throwing up and--
1011
00:49:25,601 --> 00:49:27,135
another beer,
gentlemen?
1012
00:49:27,136 --> 00:49:28,537
Yeah, I'll take one.
1013
00:49:28,538 --> 00:49:30,238
I'll take two.
1014
00:49:35,144 --> 00:49:37,579
You son of a bitch.
1015
00:49:37,580 --> 00:49:38,580
This guy.
1016
00:49:38,581 --> 00:49:40,315
Come on!
1017
00:49:40,316 --> 00:49:41,416
Don't you die on me,
1018
00:49:41,417 --> 00:49:43,552
Not now,
not like this.
1019
00:49:43,553 --> 00:49:45,554
We have a breaking news story.
1020
00:49:45,555 --> 00:49:47,055
75 children
either dead or dying
1021
00:49:47,056 --> 00:49:48,557
Of radiation poisoning
1022
00:49:48,558 --> 00:49:50,692
As a result of an accident
at a nuclear power plant.
1023
00:49:50,693 --> 00:49:52,094
Their lives
would have been spared
1024
00:49:52,095 --> 00:49:53,428
If they'd been able
to get access
1025
00:49:53,429 --> 00:49:55,297
To either of two houses
on Grover Avenue,
1026
00:49:55,298 --> 00:49:56,932
Each of which
reportedly contains
1027
00:49:56,933 --> 00:49:59,001
Dozens of lifesaving
CAT Scan Machines
1028
00:49:59,002 --> 00:50:00,535
Collected
for unknown reasons
1029
00:50:00,536 --> 00:50:02,371
By their homeowners,
adjacent neighbors
1030
00:50:02,372 --> 00:50:04,339
Who are inexplicably
nowhere to be found.
1031
00:50:04,340 --> 00:50:05,507
Among the many casualties
1032
00:50:05,508 --> 00:50:07,009
Was nuclear power plant
tour guide
1033
00:50:07,010 --> 00:50:09,444
And former criminal prosecutor
Barge Michaelson.
1034
00:50:09,445 --> 00:50:10,879
The details are sketchy
right now,
1035
00:50:10,880 --> 00:50:13,048
But we'll keep you updated live
as the story develops.
1036
00:50:13,049 --> 00:50:14,483
I'm gonna probably
head home.
1037
00:50:14,484 --> 00:50:15,817
It's late.
1038
00:50:15,818 --> 00:50:17,352
Check.
1039
00:50:17,353 --> 00:50:19,554
# let's give them something
to talk about. #
1040
00:50:19,555 --> 00:50:21,490
you've been screwing her
for a year?
1041
00:50:21,491 --> 00:50:22,691
It's over.
Get out.
1042
00:50:22,692 --> 00:50:23,692
Gretchen.
1043
00:50:23,693 --> 00:50:24,960
Get the fuck
out of here!
1044
00:50:24,961 --> 00:50:27,529
I'm done with your--
your lies and your apologies
1045
00:50:27,530 --> 00:50:30,032
And your fucking
stone tablets.
1046
00:50:30,033 --> 00:50:32,501
Well, where am i
supposed to go?
1047
00:50:32,502 --> 00:50:34,369
You can go to hell
for all I care.
1048
00:50:34,370 --> 00:50:36,038
Go move in with
your little home wrecker.
1049
00:50:36,039 --> 00:50:37,272
She's not
a home wrecker.
1050
00:50:37,273 --> 00:50:39,207
She's an avid film buff.
You know that.
1051
00:50:39,208 --> 00:50:41,343
She also considers herself
a bit of a shutterbug
1052
00:50:41,344 --> 00:50:42,778
And a prestidigitator.
1053
00:50:42,779 --> 00:50:44,446
You know what, Gretchen?
You know what you can do?
1054
00:50:44,447 --> 00:50:45,981
Don't say something
you're gonna regret.
1055
00:50:45,982 --> 00:50:46,982
Go...
1056
00:50:46,983 --> 00:50:47,983
I'm warning you, Jeff.
1057
00:50:47,984 --> 00:50:48,984
Fly...
1058
00:50:48,985 --> 00:50:49,985
Don't you say it!
1059
00:50:49,986 --> 00:50:52,921
Go fly a kite,
Gretchen.
1060
00:50:52,922 --> 00:50:54,823
Go fly a kite.
1061
00:50:54,824 --> 00:50:56,158
You didn't.
1062
00:50:56,159 --> 00:50:57,626
You did not.
1063
00:50:57,627 --> 00:51:00,395
You motherfucker!
1064
00:51:04,301 --> 00:51:06,369
# how about love,
love, love? #
1065
00:51:06,370 --> 00:51:09,305
okay, okay,
something to talk about.
1066
00:51:09,306 --> 00:51:11,474
Speaking of something
to talk about, today's weather:
1067
00:51:11,475 --> 00:51:14,110
Sunny, mild, warm,
a little cooler tonight.
1068
00:51:14,111 --> 00:51:15,978
Ladies might want
to put on a shawl.
1069
00:51:15,979 --> 00:51:18,414
Let's get back
to continuous music.
1070
00:51:18,415 --> 00:51:21,584
# two feet
firm in the ground. #
1071
00:51:21,585 --> 00:51:22,518
What's up, brother?
1072
00:51:37,668 --> 00:51:39,635
Hey.
1073
00:51:39,636 --> 00:51:41,070
I don't think we've met.
I'm Duane.
1074
00:51:41,071 --> 00:51:42,271
Just transferred
from Leavenworth.
1075
00:51:42,272 --> 00:51:43,873
Oh, hi.
Pleasure.
1076
00:51:43,874 --> 00:51:45,541
Glenn Richie.
1077
00:51:45,542 --> 00:51:47,276
Oh, yeah.
1078
00:51:47,277 --> 00:51:49,579
You're the doctor that killed
one of his patients, right?
1079
00:51:49,580 --> 00:51:50,947
Well,
it was a goof.
1080
00:51:50,948 --> 00:51:52,015
yeah.
1081
00:51:52,016 --> 00:51:53,616
Sure, it was a goof.
I get it.
1082
00:51:53,617 --> 00:51:56,352
Oh, well, I'm glad
somebody finally does.
1083
00:51:56,353 --> 00:51:57,453
Oy.
1084
00:52:00,391 --> 00:52:03,426
Hey, Glenn,
1085
00:52:03,427 --> 00:52:07,163
I haven't been on the outside
in such a long time.
1086
00:52:07,164 --> 00:52:09,098
Any new good sushi joints
open up, or--
1087
00:52:09,099 --> 00:52:10,466
Oh, well--
1088
00:52:10,467 --> 00:52:12,368
Oh, were you around
when Noshi Sushi opened up?
1089
00:52:12,369 --> 00:52:13,369
No, is it good?
1090
00:52:13,370 --> 00:52:14,437
Oh, are you kidding me?
1091
00:52:14,438 --> 00:52:15,938
These guys got
a softshell crab roll.
1092
00:52:15,939 --> 00:52:17,273
It is better
than a tuna roll.
1093
00:52:17,274 --> 00:52:18,574
Come on.
No, I'm telling you.
1094
00:52:18,575 --> 00:52:20,810
They got a softshell crab roll
better than a tuna roll.
1095
00:52:20,811 --> 00:52:22,045
Wow.
So if you ever
get out--
1096
00:52:22,046 --> 00:52:23,680
Well, I'm in for life
without parole, so...
1097
00:52:23,681 --> 00:52:25,915
Well, if, for whatever reason,
you do get out--
1098
00:52:25,916 --> 00:52:28,117
There won't be
a reason.
1099
00:52:28,118 --> 00:52:29,552
But we don't get sushi
in here, huh?
1100
00:52:29,553 --> 00:52:32,155
Oh, I wish we did.
1101
00:52:32,156 --> 00:52:33,690
I'm a sushi fiend.
1102
00:52:35,159 --> 00:52:36,592
Are you kidding?
I'm addicted to it.
1103
00:52:36,593 --> 00:52:37,927
I'm addicted to it.
1104
00:52:37,928 --> 00:52:40,363
hey, Paco. I'm open.
1105
00:52:44,835 --> 00:52:45,768
Whatever.
Sorry.
1106
00:52:46,937 --> 00:52:48,237
So?
1107
00:52:48,238 --> 00:52:49,305
Hey, um, Glenn,
1108
00:52:49,306 --> 00:52:50,973
Would you mind sitting
and spotting me
1109
00:52:50,974 --> 00:52:52,041
While I do some reps?
1110
00:52:52,042 --> 00:52:54,544
Oh, wow, Duane,
that sounds really nice,
1111
00:52:54,545 --> 00:52:57,613
But I don't think
it's such a great idea.
1112
00:52:57,614 --> 00:52:59,248
I'm kind of with
Big Buster.
1113
00:52:59,249 --> 00:53:01,517
He--he rapes me
every night.
1114
00:53:01,518 --> 00:53:03,052
Right, right.
1115
00:53:03,053 --> 00:53:04,520
He ass-rapes you,
huh?
1116
00:53:04,521 --> 00:53:05,655
Yep.
1117
00:53:05,656 --> 00:53:08,791
Wow, just my luck.
1118
00:53:08,792 --> 00:53:10,727
Should have known
you'd be taken.
1119
00:53:14,832 --> 00:53:19,335
But we can just do
one set, huh?
1120
00:53:19,336 --> 00:53:21,170
You know what?
What the hell, right?
1121
00:53:21,171 --> 00:53:23,239
It's just two people
enjoying each other's company,
1122
00:53:23,240 --> 00:53:24,374
Juicing their pecs.
1123
00:53:24,375 --> 00:53:26,009
Yeah, come on.
No harm in that.
1124
00:53:26,010 --> 00:53:27,043
Right?
1125
00:53:27,044 --> 00:53:28,211
I could always use
a spotter.
1126
00:53:28,212 --> 00:53:29,412
Who can't?
1127
00:53:29,413 --> 00:53:31,247
I mean, I think safety first,
even in here.
1128
00:53:31,248 --> 00:53:32,782
there you go.
1129
00:53:32,783 --> 00:53:34,283
Three more, Duane?
1130
00:53:34,284 --> 00:53:36,319
Feel the burn.
Feel the burn.
1131
00:53:36,320 --> 00:53:37,954
Feel the burn,
Duane.
1132
00:53:37,955 --> 00:53:40,123
Oh, oh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1133
00:53:40,124 --> 00:53:41,524
Break it up.
1134
00:53:48,432 --> 00:53:50,500
That was interesting.
1135
00:53:50,501 --> 00:53:52,201
I'd say.
Yikes.
1136
00:53:54,171 --> 00:53:55,304
Hey, listen,
1137
00:53:55,305 --> 00:53:57,740
I know your ass
belongs to Big Buster,
1138
00:53:57,741 --> 00:54:01,878
And I totally--
totally respect that,
1139
00:54:01,879 --> 00:54:04,814
But you and I,
we think so much alike.
1140
00:54:04,815 --> 00:54:06,616
You know, like that time
that guy got stabbed.
1141
00:54:06,617 --> 00:54:08,051
And I said,
"that was interesting,"
1142
00:54:08,052 --> 00:54:09,185
And you said,
"I'd say."
1143
00:54:09,186 --> 00:54:10,920
Then you said,
"yikes."
yikes.
1144
00:54:10,921 --> 00:54:13,623
Those are the kind of moment
I'm talking about.
1145
00:54:13,624 --> 00:54:15,925
Sometimes I wonder
1146
00:54:15,926 --> 00:54:17,560
What it would be like
if I were the one
1147
00:54:17,561 --> 00:54:19,595
Who were ass-raping you
every night.
1148
00:54:22,599 --> 00:54:24,667
You know,
I think you're feeling
1149
00:54:24,668 --> 00:54:26,869
The energy
of our friendship,
1150
00:54:26,870 --> 00:54:28,171
And you're projecting it
1151
00:54:28,172 --> 00:54:29,639
Into something else
that isn't there.
1152
00:54:29,640 --> 00:54:35,078
No, Glenn,
I'm not--
1153
00:54:35,079 --> 00:54:36,446
I'm not projecting.
1154
00:54:36,447 --> 00:54:38,948
I can't look at you
1155
00:54:38,949 --> 00:54:40,049
Without fantasizing
1156
00:54:40,050 --> 00:54:41,784
About shoving you
up against a wall
1157
00:54:41,785 --> 00:54:44,020
In the laundry room
1158
00:54:44,021 --> 00:54:47,357
And punching you
in the mouth
1159
00:54:47,358 --> 00:54:50,360
And then raping you
1160
00:54:50,361 --> 00:54:52,695
Without your consent,
of course.
1161
00:54:52,696 --> 00:54:55,465
Hey, that's what
makes it rape, right?
1162
00:54:57,501 --> 00:54:59,235
That's what
makes it rape.
1163
00:55:03,674 --> 00:55:05,408
Look, Duane.
I hear you.
1164
00:55:05,409 --> 00:55:07,010
But?
1165
00:55:07,011 --> 00:55:11,748
But I--I can't just
shift gears.
1166
00:55:11,749 --> 00:55:14,117
It's not
that simple.
1167
00:55:18,188 --> 00:55:19,355
I think I'm done
working out.
1168
00:55:19,356 --> 00:55:21,157
Duane, don't be
that guy--
1169
00:55:21,158 --> 00:55:24,460
No.
Glenn, I can't.
1170
00:55:24,461 --> 00:55:27,330
I got nothing left.
1171
00:55:27,331 --> 00:55:29,966
See you around.
1172
00:55:29,967 --> 00:55:30,900
Duane.
1173
00:55:41,779 --> 00:55:44,180
what the fuck
do you think you're doing?
1174
00:55:44,181 --> 00:55:46,115
Ahh!
1175
00:55:58,128 --> 00:55:59,295
okay, Doctor.
1176
00:55:59,296 --> 00:56:02,198
It's that time
of the night.
1177
00:56:08,806 --> 00:56:10,907
Buster,
we need to talk.
1178
00:56:10,908 --> 00:56:12,875
Oh, no.
1179
00:56:12,876 --> 00:56:15,611
No, don't tell me.
1180
00:56:19,083 --> 00:56:22,485
Duane--wow.
1181
00:56:22,486 --> 00:56:24,220
I thought this
would be easier.
1182
00:56:24,221 --> 00:56:26,089
Duane Rosenblum
wants me to be his bitch,
1183
00:56:26,090 --> 00:56:28,825
And I'm not sure
I don't want to not
1184
00:56:28,826 --> 00:56:31,661
Not be his bitch.
1185
00:56:31,662 --> 00:56:33,229
Tell me
this is a goof.
1186
00:56:33,230 --> 00:56:35,631
No, not this time.
1187
00:56:37,868 --> 00:56:40,269
You and I have been going
through the motions lately.
1188
00:56:40,270 --> 00:56:41,671
We both know that.
1189
00:56:41,672 --> 00:56:45,241
At this point, we're more
cell mates than anything else.
1190
00:56:47,978 --> 00:56:52,815
I knew this day
would come.
1191
00:56:52,816 --> 00:56:54,283
Glenn, listen to me.
1192
00:56:54,284 --> 00:56:57,954
You have to do
what you have to do.
1193
00:56:57,955 --> 00:57:00,089
As long as you're
getting ass-raped
1194
00:57:00,090 --> 00:57:03,693
Against your will
by someone, anyone,
1195
00:57:03,694 --> 00:57:07,897
Every night,
1196
00:57:07,898 --> 00:57:09,799
Then that's
all that matters.
1197
00:57:09,800 --> 00:57:11,734
Really?
1198
00:57:19,743 --> 00:57:22,979
Nothing.
1199
00:57:22,980 --> 00:57:25,248
Go on.
1200
00:57:25,249 --> 00:57:26,416
Get out of here.
1201
00:57:28,218 --> 00:57:29,519
Go on!
1202
00:57:39,496 --> 00:57:43,166
Hey, you busy?
1203
00:57:43,167 --> 00:57:45,702
No.
1204
00:57:45,703 --> 00:57:47,704
I was gonna fold
this piece of paper for a while,
1205
00:57:47,705 --> 00:57:52,075
But I can do that later.
1206
00:57:52,076 --> 00:57:53,343
What's up?
1207
00:57:53,344 --> 00:57:56,979
Well, I just talked
to big buster, and...
1208
00:57:56,980 --> 00:57:58,881
Looks like
I'm back on the market.
1209
00:57:58,882 --> 00:58:01,517
Glenn.
1210
00:58:02,920 --> 00:58:04,320
This is wonderful!
1211
00:58:06,657 --> 00:58:08,925
You know what this means,
don't you?
1212
00:58:08,926 --> 00:58:11,594
Yes.
1213
00:58:11,595 --> 00:58:13,763
I do.
1214
00:58:15,933 --> 00:58:17,467
ow, ow, ow, ow.
1215
00:58:22,906 --> 00:58:24,474
What's the matter,
you baby?
1216
00:58:30,514 --> 00:58:32,482
The King's a beggar.
1217
00:58:32,483 --> 00:58:35,051
Now the play is done.
1218
00:58:35,052 --> 00:58:38,755
All is well ended
if this suit be won.
1219
00:58:38,756 --> 00:58:42,392
That you express content,
which we will pay
1220
00:58:42,393 --> 00:58:47,130
With strife to please you,
day exceeding day.
1221
00:58:47,131 --> 00:58:49,565
Ours be your patience then
1222
00:58:49,566 --> 00:58:52,502
And yours our parts.
1223
00:58:52,503 --> 00:58:59,375
Your gentle hands lend us
and take our hearts.
1224
00:58:59,376 --> 00:59:02,645
All's well that ends well.
1225
00:59:02,646 --> 00:59:03,780
fucking baby.
1226
00:59:06,784 --> 00:59:08,618
Lights out!
1227
00:59:15,793 --> 00:59:18,161
Hi, honey bunny,
boozie, boozie,
1228
00:59:18,162 --> 00:59:20,229
Boozie pumpkin butt!
1229
00:59:20,230 --> 00:59:22,298
Mwah!
1230
00:59:22,299 --> 00:59:23,333
Have you
been drinking?
1231
00:59:23,334 --> 00:59:26,769
No, just a little
tequila.
1232
00:59:29,006 --> 00:59:31,107
Oh, I know this bouncer
at Club Stingo,
1233
00:59:31,108 --> 00:59:32,809
And I think we should
really go tonight.
1234
00:59:32,810 --> 00:59:34,043
I had an idea.
1235
00:59:34,044 --> 00:59:35,712
How about you and I,
we stay in.
1236
00:59:35,713 --> 00:59:37,313
We can read from that book
of Kierkegaard
1237
00:59:37,314 --> 00:59:38,348
That I bought you.
1238
00:59:38,349 --> 00:59:40,917
No. Don't be
such a pooper.
1239
00:59:40,918 --> 00:59:41,951
I want to go out.
1240
00:59:41,952 --> 00:59:44,120
I want to party
24-7, baby.
1241
00:59:44,121 --> 00:59:45,455
Whoo!
1242
00:59:48,092 --> 00:59:50,326
You still love me,
don't you, Daddy?
1243
00:59:50,327 --> 00:59:51,728
I mean, you don't regret
1244
00:59:51,729 --> 00:59:53,596
Leaving Gretchen for me,
do you?
1245
00:59:53,597 --> 00:59:55,298
Of--of course not.
1246
00:59:55,299 --> 00:59:56,299
Yay!
1247
00:59:56,300 --> 00:59:58,701
Will you buy me
a pony?
1248
00:59:58,702 --> 01:00:00,370
Oh, man.
1249
01:00:00,371 --> 01:00:02,038
Oh, man.
1250
01:00:02,039 --> 01:00:05,041
I don't know. I--
1251
01:00:05,042 --> 01:00:08,244
# who am I, #
1252
01:00:08,245 --> 01:00:11,714
# and where do
I go #
1253
01:00:11,715 --> 01:00:20,590
# from here? #
1254
01:00:28,832 --> 01:00:31,267
Hey!
Table for two?
1255
01:00:31,268 --> 01:00:32,301
yes, please.
1256
01:00:32,302 --> 01:00:34,570
Right here.
1257
01:00:34,571 --> 01:00:35,705
Have fun, you guys.
1258
01:00:35,706 --> 01:00:36,706
Thanks.
Thank you.
1259
01:00:36,707 --> 01:00:38,808
Hey!
1260
01:00:38,809 --> 01:00:40,176
Table for two?
1261
01:00:40,177 --> 01:00:44,347
Louis, you may be
the host
1262
01:00:44,348 --> 01:00:46,649
Of the La Fonda list
on channel three...
1263
01:00:46,650 --> 01:00:48,117
And you may be Kelly,
1264
01:00:48,118 --> 01:00:50,053
The former girlfriend
of Stephen Montgomery,
1265
01:00:50,054 --> 01:00:52,055
That guy who's still stuck
in the ground...
1266
01:00:52,056 --> 01:00:55,358
But tonight, we are the two
happiest newlyweds
1267
01:00:55,359 --> 01:00:56,526
In the entire world,
1268
01:00:56,527 --> 01:00:58,227
And I couldn't
love you more.
1269
01:01:00,431 --> 01:01:01,664
ladies and gentlemen,
1270
01:01:01,665 --> 01:01:03,700
Please welcome
Harlan Swallow
1271
01:01:03,701 --> 01:01:07,170
And his better half,
Gary.
1272
01:01:09,073 --> 01:01:10,406
well, thank you.
1273
01:01:10,407 --> 01:01:11,941
Howdy, folks.
I'm Harlan Swallow.
1274
01:01:11,942 --> 01:01:13,576
And I'm Gary,
and I quit.
1275
01:01:15,112 --> 01:01:17,113
Gary--
hang on tight.
I have your hand up my ass.
1276
01:01:19,383 --> 01:01:20,450
Oh, somebody's
a cheap date.
1277
01:01:20,451 --> 01:01:21,751
Gary, leave
the nice lady alone.
1278
01:01:21,752 --> 01:01:23,252
Fuck you.
What's your name there, honey?
1279
01:01:23,253 --> 01:01:24,887
Me?
1280
01:01:24,888 --> 01:01:27,023
Of course
I'm talking to you.
1281
01:01:27,024 --> 01:01:28,124
I'm not talking
to your boyfriend.
1282
01:01:28,125 --> 01:01:29,258
My name's Kelly.
1283
01:01:29,259 --> 01:01:30,259
Kelly, ooh.
1284
01:01:30,260 --> 01:01:31,627
Gary.
Shh.
1285
01:01:31,628 --> 01:01:33,529
Hey, Kelly, why don't you
meet me after the show,
1286
01:01:33,530 --> 01:01:35,131
And I'll show you
my hard wooden dick.
1287
01:01:35,132 --> 01:01:36,265
Oh, my god!
1288
01:01:36,266 --> 01:01:37,500
This guy
is so offensive.
1289
01:01:37,501 --> 01:01:38,701
He's not funny
at all.
1290
01:01:38,702 --> 01:01:40,870
Shh! I want to hear
what Gary's gonna say next.
1291
01:01:40,871 --> 01:01:42,305
Hey, asshole,
when do I get paid
1292
01:01:42,306 --> 01:01:44,040
So I can blow
this juke joint?
1293
01:01:45,409 --> 01:01:50,246
He said "juke joint."
1294
01:01:50,247 --> 01:01:51,614
Oh, my god.
1295
01:01:53,017 --> 01:01:55,018
I think he was kidding
about you coming backstage.
1296
01:01:55,019 --> 01:01:56,352
I think it was just
part of the act.
1297
01:01:56,353 --> 01:01:58,821
Louis, can you shut up
for one second?
1298
01:01:58,822 --> 01:02:00,790
Honey, I just think
it's our honeymoon.
1299
01:02:00,791 --> 01:02:02,492
I would love
to get some champagne
1300
01:02:02,493 --> 01:02:03,826
And go back
to the room.
1301
01:02:03,827 --> 01:02:05,661
Ew, Louis.
Please.
1302
01:02:05,662 --> 01:02:08,197
I just ate
a turkey burger.
1303
01:02:09,800 --> 01:02:11,167
Oh, hey, folks.
1304
01:02:11,168 --> 01:02:12,168
Hi.
We loved the show.
1305
01:02:12,169 --> 01:02:13,736
Oh, thanks.
1306
01:02:13,737 --> 01:02:15,638
Can I talk to Gary?
1307
01:02:15,639 --> 01:02:17,240
Um...
1308
01:02:17,241 --> 01:02:18,241
Sure.
1309
01:02:18,242 --> 01:02:19,842
Okay.
1310
01:02:21,145 --> 01:02:22,078
God damn it.
1311
01:02:24,348 --> 01:02:25,882
Hey, there,
baby cakes.
1312
01:02:25,883 --> 01:02:27,850
Glad you liked
the show.
1313
01:02:27,851 --> 01:02:28,985
Why don't you get rid
of the deadweight
1314
01:02:28,986 --> 01:02:30,620
So we can really talk,
huh?
1315
01:02:30,621 --> 01:02:34,123
Are you gonna show me
your hard wooden dick
1316
01:02:34,124 --> 01:02:35,491
Like you said
you would?
1317
01:02:38,128 --> 01:02:39,595
Yeah, I--I got
to go home now.
1318
01:02:39,596 --> 01:02:41,130
Well, wait.
What about you, Gary?
1319
01:02:41,131 --> 01:02:42,298
You want to come out
with us?
1320
01:02:42,299 --> 01:02:43,599
Honey, I think--
1321
01:02:43,600 --> 01:02:46,302
I will smack you
in the face.
1322
01:02:46,303 --> 01:02:48,438
What do you say,
Gary?
1323
01:02:48,439 --> 01:02:49,972
Want to throw back
a few?
1324
01:02:49,973 --> 01:02:51,040
He's a little tired.
1325
01:02:51,041 --> 01:02:52,642
We're gonna say
good night now.
1326
01:02:52,643 --> 01:02:56,145
Oh, are you two homo?
1327
01:02:57,815 --> 01:03:00,350
Okay, no, I'm not gay.
I date women.
1328
01:03:00,351 --> 01:03:02,452
And Gary isn't gay,
because he's a wooden puppet
1329
01:03:02,453 --> 01:03:03,786
That I ordered
from a company
1330
01:03:03,787 --> 01:03:05,054
In Chicago, okay?
1331
01:03:05,055 --> 01:03:06,389
Good night.
1332
01:03:10,094 --> 01:03:11,260
Kelly, let's--
1333
01:03:13,430 --> 01:03:15,398
Come on.
Sweetie, it's over.
1334
01:03:15,399 --> 01:03:17,033
Let's just--
1335
01:03:23,173 --> 01:03:26,409
You know, I was really hoping
to lose my virginity tonight.
1336
01:03:26,410 --> 01:03:28,544
Yeah, well,
I got to go for a walk.
1337
01:03:28,545 --> 01:03:29,545
Oh, really?
1338
01:03:29,546 --> 01:03:31,314
Because I could come...
1339
01:03:31,315 --> 01:03:34,217
With you.
1340
01:03:35,386 --> 01:03:36,586
Just come with you.
1341
01:03:51,235 --> 01:03:52,235
Hi, there.
1342
01:03:52,236 --> 01:03:53,536
Oh, god,
1343
01:03:53,537 --> 01:03:55,271
I've been thinking about you
all night.
1344
01:03:56,940 --> 01:03:58,508
I even rubbed one out
in the bathroom
1345
01:03:58,509 --> 01:03:59,942
When my husband
was buying condoms.
1346
01:04:01,445 --> 01:04:03,780
I wouldn't make you
wear one, though.
1347
01:04:15,893 --> 01:04:17,794
Come on, Gary.
1348
01:04:17,795 --> 01:04:20,363
Let's blow
this juke joint.
1349
01:04:22,499 --> 01:04:24,867
You're being coy,
aren't you?
1350
01:04:35,112 --> 01:04:37,080
Hi.
1351
01:04:44,221 --> 01:04:51,828
# give me love. #
1352
01:04:51,829 --> 01:04:52,829
# forgive me, love. #
1353
01:04:52,830 --> 01:04:53,996
room, please?
1354
01:04:53,997 --> 01:04:56,532
# don't leave me, love, #
1355
01:04:56,533 --> 01:04:58,368
# leave me here to... #
1356
01:04:59,470 --> 01:05:02,005
# brave the winds of age #
1357
01:05:02,006 --> 01:05:06,509
# without you by my side. #
1358
01:05:06,510 --> 01:05:08,811
# forgive me, love. #
1359
01:05:08,812 --> 01:05:11,080
# don't leave me, love. #
1360
01:05:11,081 --> 01:05:13,983
# I'm just a fool. #
1361
01:05:13,984 --> 01:05:18,588
# burn the bed we made
with ignorance and pride. #
1362
01:05:18,589 --> 01:05:20,123
So you say the last time
you saw this guy
1363
01:05:20,124 --> 01:05:21,124
Was about 11:00 p.M.?
1364
01:05:21,125 --> 01:05:22,125
That's right.
1365
01:05:22,126 --> 01:05:23,326
Got it.
1366
01:05:23,327 --> 01:05:24,794
All right.
1367
01:05:24,795 --> 01:05:26,129
I think you should call
the cops.
1368
01:05:28,532 --> 01:05:30,867
Oh, come on.
1369
01:06:08,872 --> 01:06:11,808
stop it! Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it!
1370
01:06:11,809 --> 01:06:15,345
We should probably
call the cops.
1371
01:06:15,346 --> 01:06:16,279
Wait.
1372
01:06:19,416 --> 01:06:22,852
I don't love you
anymore, Louis.
1373
01:06:22,853 --> 01:06:24,320
I'm sorry.
1374
01:06:24,321 --> 01:06:25,888
I thought I did,
but I don't.
1375
01:06:25,889 --> 01:06:29,492
I haven't been happy
in a long time.
1376
01:06:29,493 --> 01:06:31,361
We're still doing
the same old jokes.
1377
01:06:31,362 --> 01:06:33,496
I don't even know
what's funny anymore.
1378
01:06:33,497 --> 01:06:35,164
Yes, you were there
for me
1379
01:06:35,165 --> 01:06:37,500
When my fiance was embedded
in the ground--
1380
01:06:37,501 --> 01:06:39,035
Still is.
1381
01:06:39,036 --> 01:06:40,036
And still is.
1382
01:06:40,037 --> 01:06:41,604
You say you want
a girlfriend.
1383
01:06:41,605 --> 01:06:45,174
When was the last time
you had a date?
1384
01:06:45,175 --> 01:06:47,110
Rebecca, the hostess,
1385
01:06:47,111 --> 01:06:50,246
She is dying
to go out with you.
1386
01:06:50,247 --> 01:06:52,015
How many signals
do you need?
1387
01:06:52,016 --> 01:06:54,650
So our marriage
is over?
1388
01:07:03,293 --> 01:07:04,327
It's okay.
1389
01:07:07,297 --> 01:07:10,833
Maybe you're right.
1390
01:07:10,834 --> 01:07:13,302
I know I'm right,
buddy.
1391
01:07:14,505 --> 01:07:18,207
# mama loves
her little baby boy. #
1392
01:07:18,208 --> 01:07:21,944
I think I should get in touch
with my sister.
1393
01:07:21,945 --> 01:07:24,480
I'm sure she'd love
to hear from you.
1394
01:07:25,849 --> 01:07:29,552
# hold her, boxed in. #
1395
01:07:29,553 --> 01:07:33,623
# troubled and human. #
1396
01:07:33,624 --> 01:07:41,431
# help me lose this
uneasy injustice. #
1397
01:07:41,432 --> 01:07:45,735
# I'm fine. I'm found.
I'm on my own. #
1398
01:07:49,173 --> 01:07:52,108
# I climb this mountain
all alone. #
1399
01:07:52,109 --> 01:07:54,410
God, this so crazy.
1400
01:07:55,979 --> 01:07:57,814
I've never felt
so alive.
1401
01:07:57,815 --> 01:08:03,720
# in this prison
we call home. #
1402
01:08:51,068 --> 01:08:54,003
Jeff, wha--what are you
doing here?
1403
01:08:54,004 --> 01:08:55,571
Gretchen.
1404
01:08:55,572 --> 01:08:57,674
Hey, I--I was in
the neighborhood.
1405
01:08:57,675 --> 01:09:00,877
I thought I'd come by
and take a shit.
1406
01:09:00,878 --> 01:09:02,478
You know, it's not really
a good time.
1407
01:09:02,479 --> 01:09:03,746
Why don't you
come by tomorrow?
1408
01:09:03,747 --> 01:09:05,948
Can I come in
just for five minutes?
1409
01:09:05,949 --> 01:09:07,517
Tomorrow, I might not
need to shit.
1410
01:09:07,518 --> 01:09:09,952
Gretchen,
who's at the door?
1411
01:09:09,953 --> 01:09:12,221
Oh, Jeff,
1412
01:09:12,222 --> 01:09:15,825
You know
newsman Jim Stansel.
1413
01:09:15,826 --> 01:09:17,393
So are you
and Jim--
1414
01:09:17,394 --> 01:09:19,195
Yeah, yeah.
1415
01:09:19,196 --> 01:09:20,263
Yeah.
1416
01:09:20,264 --> 01:09:22,165
How's--how's Liz?
1417
01:09:22,166 --> 01:09:24,133
Good, good.
1418
01:09:24,134 --> 01:09:25,868
We're looking
for a new pony, actually.
1419
01:09:25,869 --> 01:09:30,640
Oh, a pony
can be delightful.
1420
01:09:30,641 --> 01:09:31,941
Listen, Jeff.
1421
01:09:31,942 --> 01:09:33,543
Like I said, this is really
not a good time
1422
01:09:33,544 --> 01:09:34,610
For you
to take a shit.
1423
01:09:34,611 --> 01:09:36,446
No worries.
1424
01:09:36,447 --> 01:09:37,914
It's good to see you,
Gretchen.
1425
01:09:37,915 --> 01:09:40,116
You look great.
1426
01:09:40,117 --> 01:09:41,451
You always look great.
1427
01:09:41,452 --> 01:09:44,253
You look tired.
1428
01:09:44,254 --> 01:09:45,421
Are you taking
your fish oil?
1429
01:09:45,422 --> 01:09:46,589
Gretchen,
god damn it.
1430
01:09:46,590 --> 01:09:47,990
Could I talk to you
for five seconds
1431
01:09:47,991 --> 01:09:50,026
Without you hammering me
about my goddamn fish oil?
1432
01:09:50,027 --> 01:09:51,861
Fine!
Ruin your fucking skin.
1433
01:09:51,862 --> 01:09:54,130
I'm getting my Omega 3
fatty acids, okay?
1434
01:09:54,131 --> 01:09:56,132
I'm just not taking it
in the form of fish oil.
1435
01:09:56,133 --> 01:09:58,468
This is why.
1436
01:09:58,469 --> 01:10:01,537
Yeah, this is why.
1437
01:10:01,538 --> 01:10:04,440
Have a good life,
Jeff.
1438
01:10:04,441 --> 01:10:06,376
You too, Gretchen.
1439
01:10:12,116 --> 01:10:14,050
You too.
1440
01:10:17,721 --> 01:10:19,722
Here's the, uh--
1441
01:10:58,862 --> 01:11:00,763
Hey,
new guy's awake.
1442
01:11:00,764 --> 01:11:02,398
What a night.
My head is throbbing.
1443
01:11:02,399 --> 01:11:05,802
I'm definitely gonna need
some more heroin.
1444
01:11:05,803 --> 01:11:08,304
I know what you need, kid.
1445
01:11:08,305 --> 01:11:10,707
You need
a lying Rhino.
1446
01:11:12,376 --> 01:11:13,743
Looks just like
the regular shit.
1447
01:11:13,744 --> 01:11:15,278
Why do you call it
"lying Rhino?"
1448
01:11:16,513 --> 01:11:18,114
That's a good question.
1449
01:11:18,115 --> 01:11:20,750
And there is a story,
my friend.
1450
01:11:20,751 --> 01:11:24,454
The lying Rhino
truly existed--
1451
01:11:24,455 --> 01:11:25,488
and he was a liar.
1452
01:11:25,489 --> 01:11:26,689
hold on a second.
1453
01:11:26,690 --> 01:11:28,624
Before he was a liar,
he was living
1454
01:11:28,625 --> 01:11:30,827
On the lower east side
of New York City.
1455
01:11:30,828 --> 01:11:32,261
no, no.
1456
01:11:32,262 --> 01:11:34,330
The story starts way before
he moved to New York.
1457
01:11:34,331 --> 01:11:36,332
are you gonna tell
the story, or am I?
1458
01:11:36,333 --> 01:11:38,134
tell the story.
Who's stopping you?
1459
01:11:38,135 --> 01:11:39,969
the first lying Rhino story
1460
01:11:39,970 --> 01:11:41,971
Was how he dropped out
of high school.
1461
01:11:41,972 --> 01:11:45,341
Now he's working as a locksmith
in Washington, D.C.
1462
01:11:45,342 --> 01:11:47,410
Suffice it to say, he wasn't
the greatest locksmith.
1463
01:11:47,411 --> 01:11:49,045
he was terrible.
1464
01:11:49,046 --> 01:11:51,748
primarily because
he didn't have any fingers.
1465
01:11:51,749 --> 01:11:53,416
You want
your fucking door open?
1466
01:11:53,417 --> 01:11:54,917
Here.
1467
01:11:54,918 --> 01:11:56,886
You'll pay for that,
Rhino!
1468
01:11:59,089 --> 01:12:01,290
so that's why they call this
the lying Rhino?
1469
01:12:01,291 --> 01:12:03,393
oh, no, no,
there's more to the story.
1470
01:12:03,394 --> 01:12:04,727
A few years later,
1471
01:12:04,728 --> 01:12:07,030
The Rhino was working
as a street hustler.
1472
01:12:07,031 --> 01:12:08,197
Give me a second,
huh?
1473
01:12:08,198 --> 01:12:09,866
I don't have all night.
1474
01:12:09,867 --> 01:12:11,234
Does that thing work
or what?
1475
01:12:11,235 --> 01:12:14,404
Stop talking to me
and let me concentrate.
1476
01:12:14,405 --> 01:12:16,072
You know what?
Forget it.
1477
01:12:16,073 --> 01:12:17,140
Forget it.
Forget this.
1478
01:12:18,475 --> 01:12:19,575
God,
what is with people?
1479
01:12:19,576 --> 01:12:22,178
this guy couldn't keep a job.
1480
01:12:22,179 --> 01:12:24,013
Then one night,
he gets a gig
1481
01:12:24,014 --> 01:12:27,083
Playing piano
in a poolside jazz band.
1482
01:12:30,387 --> 01:12:31,721
Take it,
Rhino.
1483
01:12:31,722 --> 01:12:33,189
And two, three, four.
1484
01:12:34,458 --> 01:12:36,059
You're fired!
1485
01:12:36,060 --> 01:12:37,126
What?
1486
01:12:37,127 --> 01:12:38,561
'cause I feel passion
for this?
1487
01:12:41,231 --> 01:12:43,266
oh!
1488
01:12:49,540 --> 01:12:51,240
you see that bee
over there?
1489
01:12:51,241 --> 01:12:52,642
Yeah.
1490
01:12:52,643 --> 01:12:54,277
You know what I heard?
1491
01:12:54,278 --> 01:12:55,945
He's a card-carrying member
1492
01:12:55,946 --> 01:13:00,049
Of the organization
for white racial purity.
1493
01:13:00,050 --> 01:13:02,919
Yeah,
he's a white supremist.
1494
01:13:02,920 --> 01:13:04,220
Yeah?
1495
01:13:04,221 --> 01:13:05,321
I shit you not.
1496
01:13:05,322 --> 01:13:07,390
Hey, guess what I hear
about the bee.
1497
01:13:07,391 --> 01:13:08,891
I hear
he's a white supremist.
1498
01:13:09,893 --> 01:13:13,196
I heard what you
been saying.
1499
01:13:13,197 --> 01:13:15,465
Oh, my wing!
Hey! Ow.
1500
01:13:15,466 --> 01:13:18,001
the Rhino finally found
something he was good at:
1501
01:13:18,002 --> 01:13:20,003
Spreading lies.
1502
01:13:21,138 --> 01:13:23,840
Hey, I hear she sucked
some guy's balls
1503
01:13:23,841 --> 01:13:25,208
At her bachelorette
party.
1504
01:13:25,209 --> 01:13:26,209
Oh!
1505
01:13:26,210 --> 01:13:27,343
Did you hear
about mama owl?
1506
01:13:27,344 --> 01:13:29,779
She's on meds
for her busted cervix.
1507
01:13:29,780 --> 01:13:30,913
I'd stay away
1508
01:13:30,914 --> 01:13:32,548
From saint Geraldine's
nursery school.
1509
01:13:32,549 --> 01:13:35,885
Word is the principal there
likes to fuck all the kids.
1510
01:13:35,886 --> 01:13:37,587
Rhino was on top of the world.
1511
01:13:37,588 --> 01:13:39,389
Hey, Rhino, baby,
give me some dirt.
1512
01:13:39,390 --> 01:13:40,423
Yo, Rhino,
what's up?
1513
01:13:40,424 --> 01:13:41,891
I heard you got
some new moves.
1514
01:13:41,892 --> 01:13:43,793
Uh, I was wondering
if you had anything
1515
01:13:43,794 --> 01:13:44,927
You'd like to tell me.
1516
01:13:44,928 --> 01:13:46,295
but it wasn't long
1517
01:13:46,296 --> 01:13:49,132
Before everyone
caught on to his lies.
1518
01:13:49,133 --> 01:13:50,266
Get out of here,
Rhino.
1519
01:13:50,267 --> 01:13:52,001
Hey, talk to somebody
who cares.
1520
01:13:52,002 --> 01:13:53,603
Liar, liar.
1521
01:13:53,604 --> 01:13:55,304
Get the fuck
out of here!
1522
01:13:55,305 --> 01:13:57,607
Hey, Darrell,
my man.
1523
01:13:57,608 --> 01:13:59,342
Did you hear what happened
to the lizard?
1524
01:13:59,343 --> 01:14:01,544
Did you hear what happened
to your face?
1525
01:14:01,545 --> 01:14:02,612
Ow!
1526
01:14:02,613 --> 01:14:03,946
Oh!
1527
01:14:03,947 --> 01:14:05,048
Oof!
1528
01:14:07,618 --> 01:14:09,552
Splat!
1529
01:14:09,553 --> 01:14:12,488
so one day, he's out
collecting VHS tapes,
1530
01:14:12,489 --> 01:14:13,823
And he hears something:
1531
01:14:13,824 --> 01:14:16,626
Weiner dogs,
evil weiner dogs.
1532
01:14:16,627 --> 01:14:19,429
And they're all
secretly infecting themselves
1533
01:14:19,430 --> 01:14:22,632
With a deadly
sexually transmitted disease.
1534
01:14:22,633 --> 01:14:24,367
And they're planning
to start an orgy
1535
01:14:24,368 --> 01:14:26,202
And infect
the whole town.
1536
01:14:26,203 --> 01:14:29,739
so the Rhino wants
to warn everybody.
1537
01:14:29,740 --> 01:14:31,207
Wait a minute.
1538
01:14:31,208 --> 01:14:33,009
Why don't these weiner dogs
die from the deadly disease?
1539
01:14:36,013 --> 01:14:37,313
They're immune to it.
1540
01:14:37,314 --> 01:14:41,284
Everybody, do not have sex
with the weiner dogs.
1541
01:14:41,285 --> 01:14:44,320
They're planning
a deadly weiner dog sex orgy.
1542
01:14:44,321 --> 01:14:45,388
Come on.
1543
01:14:45,389 --> 01:14:46,489
You never
tell the truth.
1544
01:14:46,490 --> 01:14:47,490
You always lie.
1545
01:14:47,491 --> 01:14:49,158
Why should we
believe you?
1546
01:14:49,159 --> 01:14:50,993
Hey, hey, hey, everybody.
1547
01:14:50,994 --> 01:14:52,829
Let's have sex
with each other.
1548
01:14:52,830 --> 01:14:54,430
Hmm, I don't know.
1549
01:14:54,431 --> 01:14:57,367
Who you gonna believe,
Rhino or weiner dog?
1550
01:15:27,931 --> 01:15:29,399
so what happened to him?
1551
01:15:29,400 --> 01:15:32,368
he moved back to Portland,
lost a lot of weight,
1552
01:15:32,369 --> 01:15:34,637
Started wearing
these terrible short shorts,
1553
01:15:34,638 --> 01:15:36,239
And eventually
started dealing heroin.
1554
01:15:36,240 --> 01:15:37,640
Thanks, man.
1555
01:15:37,641 --> 01:15:39,776
so why do you call
the stuff "lying Rhino?"
1556
01:15:39,777 --> 01:15:41,577
Because he delivers it here
1557
01:15:41,578 --> 01:15:43,046
Every day.
1558
01:15:43,047 --> 01:15:44,047
Gentlemen.
1559
01:15:44,048 --> 01:15:45,048
Rhino!
1560
01:15:46,850 --> 01:15:47,884
Later on,
my friends.
1561
01:15:47,885 --> 01:15:49,185
That's the Rhino?
1562
01:15:53,290 --> 01:15:55,158
this is the place.
1563
01:15:55,159 --> 01:15:57,093
Not much to look at.
1564
01:15:57,094 --> 01:15:58,961
What you see
is what you get.
1565
01:15:58,962 --> 01:16:01,030
Well, what do you expect
for $850 a month,
1566
01:16:01,031 --> 01:16:03,499
The inner--
1567
01:16:03,500 --> 01:16:05,335
What you see
is what you get.
1568
01:16:05,336 --> 01:16:07,470
Well, what do you expect
for $850 a month,
1569
01:16:07,471 --> 01:16:09,605
The International Space Station
Mir out there
1570
01:16:09,606 --> 01:16:12,175
Over there
in outer space?
1571
01:16:12,176 --> 01:16:14,711
I'll take it, Mr.--
1572
01:16:14,712 --> 01:16:16,746
Dalton,
Timothy Dalton.
1573
01:16:16,747 --> 01:16:18,648
Like 007, right?
1574
01:16:18,649 --> 01:16:20,249
That's right.
1575
01:16:22,853 --> 01:16:24,721
Here's the keys.
1576
01:16:42,373 --> 01:16:44,340
Hey.
1577
01:16:44,341 --> 01:16:46,976
Hey.
1578
01:16:46,977 --> 01:16:47,977
No.
1579
01:16:47,978 --> 01:16:49,012
Come on.
1580
01:16:49,013 --> 01:16:50,380
Sorry.
1581
01:16:56,653 --> 01:16:58,721
how have you been?
1582
01:16:58,722 --> 01:17:01,991
We talked
at the same time.
1583
01:17:01,992 --> 01:17:03,059
How's Liz doing?
1584
01:17:03,060 --> 01:17:04,927
Oh, we broke up.
1585
01:17:04,928 --> 01:17:06,129
She was too young.
1586
01:17:06,130 --> 01:17:08,031
How's Jim Stansel?
1587
01:17:08,032 --> 01:17:10,433
No, it didn't
work out.
1588
01:17:10,434 --> 01:17:11,801
His penis
was too big.
1589
01:17:11,802 --> 01:17:14,237
I mean, it was great
for a while.
1590
01:17:14,238 --> 01:17:16,973
I mean, god,
it was so great.
1591
01:17:16,974 --> 01:17:18,508
Sometimes I just
think about him
1592
01:17:18,509 --> 01:17:21,010
And I--I have
a little orgasm.
1593
01:17:21,011 --> 01:17:22,679
Oh.
1594
01:17:22,680 --> 01:17:24,180
Let me see.
1595
01:17:24,181 --> 01:17:25,314
No.
1596
01:17:25,315 --> 01:17:27,550
Oh, wait.
1597
01:17:27,551 --> 01:17:28,985
Yup,
there we go.
1598
01:17:30,921 --> 01:17:33,690
But, you know,
it didn't work out.
1599
01:17:33,691 --> 01:17:35,425
Anyway,
where are you living?
1600
01:17:35,426 --> 01:17:37,126
Uh, I got
this new place.
1601
01:17:37,127 --> 01:17:39,629
It's an empty black void
with the stone tablets.
1602
01:17:39,630 --> 01:17:41,097
Right. Right.
1603
01:17:41,098 --> 01:17:42,865
Good to see
you haven't changed.
1604
01:17:42,866 --> 01:17:47,403
Gretchen, I never got
the chance to apologize
1605
01:17:47,404 --> 01:17:51,841
About the whole
"go fly a kite" thing.
1606
01:17:51,842 --> 01:17:54,010
It was way
out-of-bounds.
1607
01:17:54,011 --> 01:17:55,378
No one should ever
say that to you,
1608
01:17:55,379 --> 01:17:58,247
Not after what happened
with you
1609
01:17:58,248 --> 01:18:01,684
And the kite
and your brother.
1610
01:18:01,685 --> 01:18:05,388
Thank you.
1611
01:18:05,389 --> 01:18:09,292
Would you maybe want to grab
a cup of coffee?
1612
01:18:09,293 --> 01:18:11,694
Oh, I'd love to,
but after Liz and I broke up,
1613
01:18:11,695 --> 01:18:12,929
I got married,
1614
01:18:12,930 --> 01:18:14,931
And I don't want to make
the same mistake twice.
1615
01:18:14,932 --> 01:18:18,034
You know, adultery.
1616
01:18:18,035 --> 01:18:20,603
Oh, who are you
married to?
1617
01:18:20,604 --> 01:18:22,305
Dianne Wiest.
It's great.
1618
01:18:22,306 --> 01:18:23,506
Wow.
1619
01:18:23,507 --> 01:18:24,974
I loved her
in bullets over Broadway.
1620
01:18:24,975 --> 01:18:26,976
Oh, yeah, she's really proud
of that one.
1621
01:18:26,977 --> 01:18:29,379
And the Oscar
didn't hurt either.
1622
01:18:29,380 --> 01:18:31,514
Plus, the residual checks
come in handy.
1623
01:18:31,515 --> 01:18:33,383
It's like, "thanks, Woody,"
you know?
1624
01:18:33,384 --> 01:18:35,618
Right.
1625
01:18:35,619 --> 01:18:36,619
It was good
to see you.
1626
01:18:36,620 --> 01:18:37,653
You too.
1627
01:18:37,654 --> 01:18:40,189
Yeah.
1628
01:18:56,173 --> 01:18:57,840
Oh, Gretchen,
I love you so much.
1629
01:18:57,841 --> 01:18:58,841
I want you back.
1630
01:18:58,842 --> 01:19:00,343
Yes--oh, no.
1631
01:19:00,344 --> 01:19:01,477
What about
Dianne Wiest?
1632
01:19:01,478 --> 01:19:03,680
Oh, fuck me.
1633
01:19:03,681 --> 01:19:08,151
I'm gonna call her
and tell her it's over.
1634
01:19:09,286 --> 01:19:10,920
Dianne.
1635
01:19:10,921 --> 01:19:13,990
Hey, how are you?
1636
01:19:13,991 --> 01:19:15,158
What's that?
1637
01:19:15,159 --> 01:19:17,527
160 bucks?
1638
01:19:17,528 --> 01:19:18,761
Wow.
1639
01:19:18,762 --> 01:19:20,797
It's more like Hannah
and her dollars.
1640
01:19:20,798 --> 01:19:23,199
I know.
Terrible joke.
1641
01:19:23,200 --> 01:19:26,002
Look, I've got
some bad news.
1642
01:19:26,003 --> 01:19:29,772
I ran into my ex-wife,
Gretchen, and--
1643
01:19:29,773 --> 01:19:33,376
Well, how do I put this?
1644
01:19:33,377 --> 01:19:37,113
Oh, Dianne.
I'm so sorry.
1645
01:19:37,114 --> 01:19:38,414
Really?
1646
01:19:38,415 --> 01:19:41,851
Oh, I--
Dianne, you're great.
1647
01:19:41,852 --> 01:19:44,220
We gave it a good run.
1648
01:19:44,221 --> 01:19:47,557
So I'll have my lawyer
send over the papers, okay?
1649
01:19:47,558 --> 01:19:49,325
Uh-huh.
All right.
1650
01:19:49,326 --> 01:19:50,693
I will.
1651
01:19:50,694 --> 01:19:52,528
All right.
Got to go.
1652
01:19:52,529 --> 01:19:53,629
Yeah, okay.
1653
01:19:53,630 --> 01:19:54,664
All right.
Okay.
1654
01:19:54,665 --> 01:19:56,332
Yeah, got to go.
1655
01:19:56,333 --> 01:19:57,800
Dianne, I have to go.
1656
01:19:57,801 --> 01:19:59,202
Okay.
1657
01:19:59,203 --> 01:20:01,404
All right. Bye.
1658
01:20:01,405 --> 01:20:02,472
We're good.
1659
01:20:02,473 --> 01:20:03,406
Oh!
1660
01:20:14,686 --> 01:20:17,254
"if not now, when?
1661
01:20:17,255 --> 01:20:19,823
"if not me, who?
1662
01:20:19,824 --> 01:20:23,093
If not here, where?"
1663
01:20:26,464 --> 01:20:27,831
let's go, Oliver.
1664
01:20:27,832 --> 01:20:29,166
We're gonna be late
for church.
1665
01:20:29,167 --> 01:20:31,335
The kids are already
in the car.
1666
01:20:33,104 --> 01:20:34,872
Oh, god,
Gloria.
1667
01:20:34,873 --> 01:20:36,206
I'm really sick.
1668
01:20:36,207 --> 01:20:39,276
I think I might have
a touch of food poisoning.
1669
01:20:39,277 --> 01:20:40,744
You should just go ahead
without me.
1670
01:20:40,745 --> 01:20:42,312
Okay.
1671
01:20:44,115 --> 01:20:45,315
Get some rest.
1672
01:20:45,316 --> 01:20:46,684
Okay.
1673
01:20:52,557 --> 01:20:54,291
You deserve
an MTV Moon Man Award
1674
01:20:54,292 --> 01:20:55,993
For that performance.
1675
01:20:55,994 --> 01:20:58,862
Three hours
to do anything I want.
1676
01:21:07,972 --> 01:21:10,074
Huh.
1677
01:21:10,075 --> 01:21:14,778
Well, I guess I could
if I wanted.
1678
01:21:26,124 --> 01:21:27,257
Completely naked?
1679
01:21:27,258 --> 01:21:29,126
Totally nude,
my friend.
1680
01:21:29,127 --> 01:21:30,527
The whole time
they were at church?
1681
01:21:30,528 --> 01:21:31,595
All morning.
1682
01:21:31,596 --> 01:21:33,964
Most intriguing,
Oliver.
1683
01:21:35,467 --> 01:21:36,900
So why don't you come by
this Sunday?
1684
01:21:36,901 --> 01:21:37,901
We can be naked
together.
1685
01:21:37,902 --> 01:21:38,969
What am I supposed
to tell Jeanie?
1686
01:21:38,970 --> 01:21:40,070
Make up an excuse.
1687
01:21:40,071 --> 01:21:41,672
Already got mine
lined up for this week.
1688
01:21:41,673 --> 01:21:42,673
What is it?
1689
01:21:42,674 --> 01:21:43,674
Bulimia.
1690
01:21:43,675 --> 01:21:44,942
Nice.
1691
01:21:44,943 --> 01:21:45,943
So is this a gay thing?
1692
01:21:45,944 --> 01:21:47,444
No.
1693
01:21:47,445 --> 01:21:48,779
No, man.
1694
01:21:48,780 --> 01:21:50,180
I'm straight
as an arrow.
1695
01:21:50,181 --> 01:21:52,182
I mean, sure, I blew
a few sailors in the '80s,
1696
01:21:52,183 --> 01:21:53,751
But that was the '80s.
1697
01:21:53,752 --> 01:21:55,386
I mean, I still can't
for the life of me
1698
01:21:55,387 --> 01:21:57,121
Figure out how to solve
that Rubik's cube.
1699
01:21:57,122 --> 01:21:58,756
No, this is just
a couple straight guys
1700
01:21:58,757 --> 01:22:01,091
Skipping church
to hang out naked.
1701
01:22:01,092 --> 01:22:02,192
I don't know,
Oliver.
1702
01:22:02,193 --> 01:22:03,494
It's not really
my cup of tea.
1703
01:22:03,495 --> 01:22:04,995
Cut to "ding-dong!"
1704
01:22:04,996 --> 01:22:06,230
I mean, actually,
it would be--
1705
01:22:10,335 --> 01:22:11,335
Hey, man.
1706
01:22:11,336 --> 01:22:12,336
Whoa.
1707
01:22:12,337 --> 01:22:13,671
Glad you changed
your mind.
1708
01:22:13,672 --> 01:22:14,872
You are really naked.
1709
01:22:14,873 --> 01:22:16,040
I mean,
you weren't kidding.
1710
01:22:16,041 --> 01:22:17,074
Yeah.
1711
01:22:17,075 --> 01:22:18,676
And there's your penis,
1712
01:22:18,677 --> 01:22:20,511
And I guess those
are your balls,
1713
01:22:20,512 --> 01:22:22,813
And I'm gonna guess your ass
is around the back there.
1714
01:22:22,814 --> 01:22:24,748
That's exactly right.
1715
01:22:24,749 --> 01:22:26,917
Why don't you come on in,
take off your clothes?
1716
01:22:26,918 --> 01:22:27,851
Okay.
1717
01:22:29,421 --> 01:22:30,487
Musky smell.
1718
01:22:30,488 --> 01:22:32,523
Those are my natural
pheromes.
1719
01:22:37,996 --> 01:22:40,130
Hey, man,
I got to tell you,
1720
01:22:40,131 --> 01:22:42,266
I thought this
was gonna be pretty good.
1721
01:22:42,267 --> 01:22:44,935
But this is pretty good.
1722
01:22:44,936 --> 01:22:47,538
It's pretty good,
right?
1723
01:22:47,539 --> 01:22:49,373
You know, I got
all these CDs over here.
1724
01:22:49,374 --> 01:22:50,874
You want to listen
to something?
1725
01:22:50,875 --> 01:22:52,576
You got any
Roberta Flack?
1726
01:22:52,577 --> 01:22:53,577
Are you kidding me?
1727
01:22:53,578 --> 01:22:55,212
I'm a Flack freak.
1728
01:22:55,213 --> 01:22:56,947
What do you want
to listen to?
1729
01:22:56,948 --> 01:22:58,349
Killing me softly?
1730
01:22:58,350 --> 01:23:00,784
That's a little
Flack 101.
1731
01:23:00,785 --> 01:23:04,254
Why don't we go
a little deeper?
1732
01:23:04,255 --> 01:23:05,389
How about this?
1733
01:23:05,390 --> 01:23:07,791
Greatest hits,
track two.
1734
01:23:12,297 --> 01:23:14,832
# strolling in the park, #
1735
01:23:14,833 --> 01:23:17,634
# watching winter
turn to spring. #
1736
01:23:17,635 --> 01:23:19,336
I dig her silky vocals.
1737
01:23:19,337 --> 01:23:21,672
Yeah, and the jazzy
rhythm guitar
1738
01:23:21,673 --> 01:23:24,641
And light percussion
that wafts throughout.
1739
01:23:24,642 --> 01:23:25,976
Oof.
1740
01:23:25,977 --> 01:23:27,978
Fluid sounds.
1741
01:23:27,979 --> 01:23:29,179
Urbane.
1742
01:23:29,180 --> 01:23:32,182
Mm, contemporary flavor.
1743
01:23:32,183 --> 01:23:35,219
Holds a degree
from Howard University.
1744
01:23:35,220 --> 01:23:36,887
That was just--
1745
01:23:36,888 --> 01:23:37,988
That was great.
1746
01:23:37,989 --> 01:23:39,256
Yeah.
Yeah,
had a great time.
1747
01:23:39,257 --> 01:23:41,225
Well, why don't you
come back next Sunday?
1748
01:23:41,226 --> 01:23:42,393
I don't know.
1749
01:23:42,394 --> 01:23:43,794
I mean, I might feel
a little guilty
1750
01:23:43,795 --> 01:23:44,895
If I keep
missing church.
1751
01:23:44,896 --> 01:23:47,364
Marty, god doesn't
necessarily want us
1752
01:23:47,365 --> 01:23:49,533
To go to church
every Sunday.
1753
01:23:49,534 --> 01:23:51,235
Keeping the sabbath
might just mean
1754
01:23:51,236 --> 01:23:53,137
Taking a weekly break
from our normal life
1755
01:23:53,138 --> 01:23:55,439
And celebrating
his great creation.
1756
01:23:55,440 --> 01:23:57,608
And what greater manifestation
of his creation is there
1757
01:23:57,609 --> 01:23:58,942
Than the body human?
1758
01:23:58,943 --> 01:24:02,246
For my money, it's just as holy
for us to come over here
1759
01:24:02,247 --> 01:24:04,114
And swing our balls
around
1760
01:24:04,115 --> 01:24:06,483
And pump up
the Roberta Flack.
1761
01:24:06,484 --> 01:24:08,519
You know what?
You make a great point.
1762
01:24:08,520 --> 01:24:10,621
I do have one question,
though.
1763
01:24:10,622 --> 01:24:12,122
How many other guys
should I invite?
1764
01:24:12,123 --> 01:24:15,359
# it may be way too early #
1765
01:24:15,360 --> 01:24:16,694
# in the game. #
1766
01:24:17,696 --> 01:24:19,129
hey, I just took a dump
1767
01:24:19,130 --> 01:24:21,131
And didn't have
to pull my pants down.
1768
01:24:21,132 --> 01:24:22,333
Or up, right?
1769
01:24:22,334 --> 01:24:23,500
Correctamundo.
1770
01:24:23,501 --> 01:24:25,669
Hey, who invited
Henry Winkler?
1771
01:24:25,670 --> 01:24:26,670
eh.
1772
01:24:26,671 --> 01:24:28,939
Oh, great.
A room full of Fonzie's.
1773
01:24:28,940 --> 01:24:30,407
That's the last thing
I need.
1774
01:24:32,277 --> 01:24:34,578
# I wasn't trying
to find romance. #
1775
01:24:34,579 --> 01:24:36,246
I like
the Roberta Flack.
1776
01:24:36,247 --> 01:24:38,315
How long
has that been going on?
1777
01:24:38,316 --> 01:24:39,950
As far as I know,
Flack's been de rigueur
1778
01:24:39,951 --> 01:24:40,984
Since day one.
1779
01:24:40,985 --> 01:24:42,319
Wait a minute.
Hold the phone.
1780
01:24:42,320 --> 01:24:44,021
I knew it was popular,
but de rigueur?
1781
01:24:44,022 --> 01:24:46,457
and then you get to side three,
comfortably numb,
1782
01:24:46,458 --> 01:24:48,392
And then he doesn't even
have his anger anymore.
1783
01:24:48,393 --> 01:24:50,561
Then he's completely
within his own mind,
1784
01:24:50,562 --> 01:24:52,529
Behind his own wall.
1785
01:24:55,233 --> 01:25:01,105
# tonight I celebrate
my love for you. #
1786
01:25:06,277 --> 01:25:08,946
# is gonna come
shining through. #
1787
01:25:08,947 --> 01:25:10,180
Yeah?
1788
01:25:10,181 --> 01:25:11,382
Oliver, governor Hutchins here.
1789
01:25:11,383 --> 01:25:12,750
Church ended early today,
1790
01:25:12,751 --> 01:25:14,284
And your wife
is on her way home.
1791
01:25:15,286 --> 01:25:16,286
Let's go!
1792
01:25:16,287 --> 01:25:17,521
Jesus shit.
1793
01:25:17,522 --> 01:25:19,056
Fuck!
1794
01:25:31,102 --> 01:25:32,469
They're here.
They're here!
1795
01:25:32,470 --> 01:25:33,404
What do we do?
1796
01:25:39,377 --> 01:25:40,477
Hi, dad.
1797
01:25:40,478 --> 01:25:41,779
How's your gangrene?
1798
01:25:41,780 --> 01:25:42,880
Much better.
1799
01:25:42,881 --> 01:25:45,149
Oliver, is something
going on here?
1800
01:25:45,150 --> 01:25:46,684
No.
1801
01:25:46,685 --> 01:25:47,718
Why?
1802
01:25:47,719 --> 01:25:49,386
You're acting strange,
1803
01:25:49,387 --> 01:25:51,088
And I want to know
what's going on.
1804
01:25:51,089 --> 01:25:54,925
Honey, we made an oath
in front of god.
1805
01:25:54,926 --> 01:25:57,194
And you deserve
to hear the truth.
1806
01:25:57,195 --> 01:25:59,730
Fellas.
1807
01:26:03,201 --> 01:26:05,002
Every Sunday morning,
1808
01:26:05,003 --> 01:26:08,172
Dozens of men come over here
and get naked.
1809
01:26:08,173 --> 01:26:09,406
I see.
1810
01:26:09,407 --> 01:26:10,874
And we never want
to go to church again.
1811
01:26:10,875 --> 01:26:12,910
What do you think
about that?
1812
01:26:12,911 --> 01:26:15,646
I'll tell you
what I think.
1813
01:26:15,647 --> 01:26:16,680
If you ever
1814
01:26:16,681 --> 01:26:19,616
Have a naked party
in my home again
1815
01:26:19,617 --> 01:26:21,618
On a Sunday,
1816
01:26:21,619 --> 01:26:24,121
You can kiss
my black ass good-bye.
1817
01:26:25,357 --> 01:26:26,357
Wait a minute, Gloria.
1818
01:26:26,358 --> 01:26:27,858
Hear me out.
1819
01:26:27,859 --> 01:26:30,828
# I've been a good man #
1820
01:26:30,829 --> 01:26:33,464
# all my life. #
1821
01:26:33,465 --> 01:26:34,865
# take care of my kids, #
1822
01:26:34,866 --> 01:26:38,035
# provide for my wife. #
1823
01:26:38,036 --> 01:26:40,604
# given to the church, #
1824
01:26:40,605 --> 01:26:43,107
# the destitute,
the poor. #
1825
01:26:43,108 --> 01:26:45,542
# never hurt a fly. #
1826
01:26:45,543 --> 01:26:47,711
# I never
fucked a whore. #
1827
01:26:47,712 --> 01:26:50,514
# so where does it say #
1828
01:26:50,515 --> 01:26:54,051
# that every Sunday,
we have to go pray? #
1829
01:26:54,052 --> 01:26:55,586
That's the lord's way.
1830
01:26:55,587 --> 01:26:57,955
Touche.
1831
01:26:57,956 --> 01:27:00,624
# but it never
felt right. #
1832
01:27:00,625 --> 01:27:02,960
# there was something
untrue #
1833
01:27:02,961 --> 01:27:05,162
# about that fabric #
1834
01:27:05,163 --> 01:27:09,833
# between my ass
and the pew. #
1835
01:27:09,834 --> 01:27:13,771
# it's not crude to be nude
on the sabbath. #
1836
01:27:13,772 --> 01:27:18,075
# I think you'd be a prude
to say nay. #
1837
01:27:18,076 --> 01:27:23,313
# misconstrued are my views
on the sabbath #
1838
01:27:23,314 --> 01:27:26,850
# as we shimmy bareback
to Roberta Flack. #
1839
01:27:26,851 --> 01:27:31,021
# fresh-shampooed are our pubes
and our rectums. #
1840
01:27:31,022 --> 01:27:35,793
# great respect we reflect,
we have shown. #
1841
01:27:35,794 --> 01:27:37,928
# see our cracks
and our taints #
1842
01:27:37,929 --> 01:27:39,930
# are as clean
as a saint's #
1843
01:27:39,931 --> 01:27:44,134
# 'cause we know #
1844
01:27:44,135 --> 01:27:48,272
# it's written
in stone. #
1845
01:27:48,273 --> 01:27:52,509
# it's written
in stone. #
1846
01:27:54,012 --> 01:27:56,113
# I introduced each story. #
1847
01:27:56,114 --> 01:27:58,282
# there were ten.
You couldn't have missed them. #
1848
01:27:58,283 --> 01:28:00,651
# I was surrounded
by gigantic prop tablets, #
1849
01:28:00,652 --> 01:28:02,786
# but I didn't heed
their wisdom. #
1850
01:28:02,787 --> 01:28:04,788
# I ignored the laws,
betrayed my wife, #
1851
01:28:04,789 --> 01:28:07,091
# but I did my job
at least. #
1852
01:28:07,092 --> 01:28:09,293
# I gave you
ten short stories. #
1853
01:28:09,294 --> 01:28:14,498
# and he dumped
Dianne Wiest. #
1854
01:28:14,499 --> 01:28:18,435
# I broke it off
with Wiest. #
1855
01:28:21,206 --> 01:28:23,073
# I stole
a little wooden guy. #
1856
01:28:23,074 --> 01:28:24,742
# now we live
in South Bayonne. #
1857
01:28:24,743 --> 01:28:26,710
# I live my life
on scotch and rye, #
1858
01:28:26,711 --> 01:28:28,145
# splinters
in my inner thigh. #
1859
01:28:28,146 --> 01:28:29,980
# I guess that's why--
I guess that's why #
1860
01:28:29,981 --> 01:28:32,416
# it's written down
in stone... #
1861
01:28:32,417 --> 01:28:34,651
# as these ten stories
all have shown. #
1862
01:28:34,652 --> 01:28:37,654
# craved a CAT scan
like my neighbor. #
1863
01:28:37,655 --> 01:28:42,593
# tried to keep up
with my friend. #
1864
01:28:42,594 --> 01:28:46,897
# now there's
radiated children. #
1865
01:28:46,898 --> 01:28:51,201
# many dead
like sir John Glenn. #
1866
01:28:51,202 --> 01:28:53,037
# and that was only
one of ten. #
1867
01:28:53,038 --> 01:28:56,407
# well, I was good
with the goof. #
1868
01:28:56,408 --> 01:28:58,475
# I was quick
with the gags. #
1869
01:28:58,476 --> 01:28:59,576
# but the judge, #
1870
01:28:59,577 --> 01:29:02,046
# he done
judge you too crass. #
1871
01:29:02,047 --> 01:29:05,115
# so now the goof
is on me. #
1872
01:29:05,116 --> 01:29:07,818
# I got 99 years. #
1873
01:29:07,819 --> 01:29:11,722
# and a bloody,
stretched-out ass. #
1874
01:29:12,924 --> 01:29:17,361
# a nonelastic,
bruised and battered... #
1875
01:29:17,362 --> 01:29:19,396
# badly damaged... #
1876
01:29:19,397 --> 01:29:21,932
# stretchy, stretchy... #
1877
01:29:21,933 --> 01:29:23,567
# trunk, #
1878
01:29:23,568 --> 01:29:26,236
# butt, #
1879
01:29:26,237 --> 01:29:31,575
# ass. #
1880
01:29:32,610 --> 01:29:34,244
I got a trunk butt ass!
1881
01:29:34,245 --> 01:29:38,248
# well, I met Jesus
in Mexico, #
1882
01:29:38,249 --> 01:29:40,584
# didn't know
how hard I'd fall. #
1883
01:29:40,585 --> 01:29:43,520
# but in truth,
the story's fictional. #
1884
01:29:43,521 --> 01:29:47,324
# my name
is Gretchen Mol. #
1885
01:29:47,325 --> 01:29:48,992
# I crushed my spine. #
1886
01:29:48,993 --> 01:29:50,427
# I'm in the ground. #
1887
01:29:50,428 --> 01:29:52,329
# I had my 15 minutes. #
1888
01:29:54,165 --> 01:29:58,836
# I fucked Arsenio hall
in his trailer. #
1889
01:29:58,837 --> 01:30:01,772
# he wore nothing at all
but his socks. #
1890
01:30:01,773 --> 01:30:05,476
# if it were Arnold,
you kids would be paler. #
1891
01:30:05,477 --> 01:30:08,412
# and we'd both
have straighter locks. #
1892
01:30:08,413 --> 01:30:09,413
# and smaller cocks. #
1893
01:30:09,414 --> 01:30:11,949
So what does
it all mean?
1894
01:30:11,950 --> 01:30:14,318
# so what's
it all about? #
1895
01:30:14,319 --> 01:30:16,754
# what does it all
add up to? #
1896
01:30:16,755 --> 01:30:20,657
# hey, haven't you
figured it out? #
1897
01:30:20,658 --> 01:30:21,825
tell us!
1898
01:30:21,826 --> 01:30:23,027
# it's all about... #
1899
01:30:23,028 --> 01:30:24,762
# love! #
1900
01:30:24,763 --> 01:30:27,097
Put your arms
around each other!
1901
01:30:27,098 --> 01:30:28,632
# love! #
1902
01:30:28,633 --> 01:30:30,634
# yeah, the universe
is calling. #
1903
01:30:30,635 --> 01:30:32,636
# love! #
1904
01:30:32,637 --> 01:30:34,338
Everybody kissing
1905
01:30:34,339 --> 01:30:35,572
And everybody hugging, now,
come on!
1906
01:30:35,573 --> 01:30:40,978
# love! #
1907
01:30:44,282 --> 01:30:48,452
# love! #
1908
01:30:57,028 --> 01:30:58,028
# 1 and 9, #
1909
01:30:58,029 --> 01:30:59,029
# 8 and 2, #
1910
01:30:59,030 --> 01:31:00,364
# 3 and 7, #
1911
01:31:00,365 --> 01:31:01,365
# 11 minus 1, #
1912
01:31:01,366 --> 01:31:02,900
# 5 and 5 is--is... #
1913
01:31:02,901 --> 01:31:06,837
# oh, yeah! #
1914
01:31:06,838 --> 01:31:09,673
# the ten is a hell
of a number. #
1915
01:31:09,674 --> 01:31:10,908
# the ten, ten ten. #
1916
01:31:10,909 --> 01:31:13,510
# double digits,
1-0 supply. #
1917
01:31:13,511 --> 01:31:14,912
that's the Lord's way.
1918
01:31:14,913 --> 01:31:18,148
# was that really
their actual order? #
1919
01:31:18,149 --> 01:31:22,152
# then you've got one,
all right. #
1920
01:31:22,153 --> 01:31:25,322
# oh, yeah! #
1921
01:31:25,323 --> 01:31:33,163
# #
1922
01:31:33,164 --> 01:31:34,665
# da, da, da, da. #
1923
01:31:39,004 --> 01:31:41,238
# stuck in the ground.
We're stuck in the ground. #
1924
01:31:41,239 --> 01:31:42,873
# stuck, stuck,
stuck, stuck! #
1925
01:31:42,874 --> 01:31:44,842
# stuck in the ground,
but I found fame. #
1926
01:31:44,843 --> 01:31:46,877
# buck-ass naked.
Check out the frame. #
1927
01:31:46,878 --> 01:31:48,879
# from daily show
to jailhouse ho. #
1928
01:31:48,880 --> 01:31:50,881
# when she left Rudd,
it was time to go. #
1929
01:31:50,882 --> 01:31:52,883
# I was born on the state
and blew up in reno. #
1930
01:31:52,884 --> 01:31:54,885
# CAT scan--my neighbor,
what he know? #
1931
01:31:54,886 --> 01:31:56,887
# dip my balls in your mouth
from the goof. #
1932
01:31:56,888 --> 01:31:58,889
# and poof!
Redhead nuts on your roof. #
1933
01:31:58,890 --> 01:32:00,891
# yes, yes, ya'll.
Gretchen Mol. #
1934
01:32:00,892 --> 01:32:02,826
# I took the fall
for Arsenio hall. #
1935
01:32:02,827 --> 01:32:04,895
# knocked up,
Paul makes summertime money. #
1936
01:32:04,896 --> 01:32:06,897
# shacked up with
a ventriloquist's dummy. #
1937
01:32:06,898 --> 01:32:08,899
# Liev in a mustache
had a Jack Russell. #
1938
01:32:08,900 --> 01:32:10,901
# everybody do
the Ron Silver hustle. #
1939
01:32:10,902 --> 01:32:12,903
# no fuss,
I'm just a savior. #
1940
01:32:12,904 --> 01:32:14,905
# pick them and flick them
is what I gave ya. #
1941
01:32:14,906 --> 01:32:16,907
# played you like
a puppet on string. #
1942
01:32:16,908 --> 01:32:18,909
# and I'm so fine
that I made hard the thing. #
1943
01:32:18,910 --> 01:32:21,011
# miss fantastic bee.
Feel the sting. #
1944
01:32:21,012 --> 01:32:22,980
# rhyme time over.
The ten, y'all. Sing! #
1945
01:32:22,981 --> 01:32:26,583
# the ten is a hell
of a number. #
1946
01:32:26,584 --> 01:32:29,787
# and the credits
are now going by. #
1947
01:32:29,788 --> 01:32:31,121
# the ten, the ten. #
1948
01:32:31,122 --> 01:32:34,224
# the movie
is just about over. #
1949
01:32:34,225 --> 01:32:36,994
# say good-bye. #
1950
01:32:36,995 --> 01:32:38,729
# good-bye. #
1951
01:32:38,730 --> 01:32:41,065
# we've come to the what?
To the end of the ten. #
1952
01:32:41,066 --> 01:32:42,666
# right to the what?
Of the ten. #
1953
01:32:42,667 --> 01:32:44,835
# we've come to the end,
I fear, to the end of the ten. #
1954
01:32:44,836 --> 01:32:46,103
# we've come to the what? #
1955
01:32:46,104 --> 01:32:48,172
# we've come to the end
of the ten. #
1956
01:32:48,173 --> 01:32:51,909
# we've come to the end
of the ten, I fear. #
1957
01:32:51,910 --> 01:32:54,978
# naked men
stood at the mirror. #
1958
01:32:54,979 --> 01:33:00,684
# the Sunday balls,
they bloom like spring. #
1959
01:33:00,685 --> 01:33:05,956
# but it's not
a gay thing. #
1960
01:33:05,957 --> 01:33:09,827
# we've come to the end
of the ten, dear child. #
1961
01:33:09,828 --> 01:33:12,930
# wife and husband
reconciled. #
1962
01:33:12,931 --> 01:33:18,135
# Jeff left Liz
and Dianne Wiest #
1963
01:33:18,136 --> 01:33:23,841
# and kissed Gretchen
on the street. #
1964
01:33:23,842 --> 01:33:30,647
# and the flower grows
sometimes from Rhino shit. #
1965
01:33:30,648 --> 01:33:37,454
# and the lesson learned
is what you make of it. #
1966
01:33:37,455 --> 01:33:42,326
# what we make of it. #
1967
01:33:42,327 --> 01:33:46,130
# we've come to the end
of the ten, I know. #
1968
01:33:46,131 --> 01:33:49,099
# the puppet's not
your average dildo. #
1969
01:33:49,100 --> 01:33:54,838
# though Gary may not
speak again, #
1970
01:33:54,839 --> 01:33:59,877
# he'll be
her best friend. #
1971
01:33:59,878 --> 01:34:03,814
# we've come to the end
of the ten, John Glenn. #
1972
01:34:03,815 --> 01:34:06,884
# kids and radioactive
contamination don't blend, #
1973
01:34:06,885 --> 01:34:12,790
# because two neighbors
wanted more. #
1974
01:34:12,791 --> 01:34:17,861
# but it's not worth
dying for. #
1975
01:34:17,862 --> 01:34:24,768
# we saw the doctor raped
almost constantly. #
1976
01:34:24,769 --> 01:34:31,608
# he could not escape
where his goof did lead, #
1977
01:34:31,609 --> 01:34:36,547
# where his goof
did lead. #
1978
01:34:36,548 --> 01:34:40,217
# twin boys born
to their creator #
1979
01:34:40,218 --> 01:34:43,287
# did not resemble
the terminator. #
1980
01:34:43,288 --> 01:34:49,226
# but Jesus Christos,
son of god, #
1981
01:34:49,227 --> 01:34:54,098
# he opened up a heart. #
1982
01:34:54,099 --> 01:34:58,035
# we've come to the end
of the ten, oh, my. #
1983
01:34:58,036 --> 01:35:00,938
# Montgomery fell
out of the sky #
1984
01:35:00,939 --> 01:35:07,011
# and lodged himself
down in the ground. #
1985
01:35:07,012 --> 01:35:09,847
# how does he defecate? #
1986
01:35:09,848 --> 01:35:11,682
how does he defecate?
I don't know.
1987
01:35:11,683 --> 01:35:14,752
# but the flower
sometimes grows #
1988
01:35:14,753 --> 01:35:19,023
# from Montgomery's shit. #
1989
01:35:19,024 --> 01:35:25,529
# and the lesson learned
is what you make of it, #
1990
01:35:25,530 --> 01:35:30,968
# what you make
of it. #
1991
01:35:48,386 --> 01:35:51,588
# we've come to the end
of the end of the ten. #
1992
01:35:51,589 --> 01:35:54,458
What a bunch
of fucking assholes.
1993
01:35:54,459 --> 01:35:55,459
Damn.
133489
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