Original subtitles

Blue Moon Investigations.

We'd love to speak to you, that would be keen...

...but since we're not here, talk to this machine.

When you hear the beep, leave your name and number.

Don't hang up, that would be a bummer.

Hi, this is Maddie. I won't be coming in today.

I'm...

...sick.

And the deaIer wiII turn over his Iast card.

Oh, my--

A bIack nine and a red five in the same hand.

WeII, I guess that beats your straight fIush, huh, boys?

-It does. -Yeah, yeah.

So thank you for your cooperation and in the future...

...any signs of body Iice shouId be reported directIy to your physician.

Hi, boss. Speedy recovery.

You're wondering what we're doing here.

-No. -Your maiI, Miss Hayes.

AImost dressed, Miss Hayes.

Now, Iet's not aII panic, I'm sure she meant to scream at us.

Yeah, a minor heaIth hazard.

I figured a spot check wouId be easier than evacuating the whoIe office.

Okay, you caught me, it wasn't a Iice check.

It was an air-conditioning driII.

Like a fire driII, onIy this is in case the air conditioner doesn't work.

-Good idea. -Good idea?

-David, wouId you excuse me, pIease? -TeII me what's bothering you.

-You think something's bothering me? -Attitude.

-What attitude? -You just witnessed a breach...

...in office decorum.

Then I waIk in here and Iie to you about what we were doing.

You watch the show every Tuesday night...

...you're supposed to get angry now.

-I'm not gonna get angry. -You're not gonna get angry?

If you're not, how are we gonna have an argument?

-We're not. -We're not? We have to.

You haven't considered the consequences of a day going by...

...without a IittIe angry banter between us?

We're taIking damage to our reIationship...

...to office moraIe, to February sweeps.

-Go away, David. -Come on, Maddie.

CircIe the wagons. Put them up, put on the gIoves.

The money's on the tabIe and peopIe wanna see bIood.

I don't feeI Iike arguing.

So. Just because you don't feeI Iike arguing...

...you're gonna ruin everybody eIse's day.

That's a IittIe seIfish, don't you think? You're raining on our cIoud, Maddie.

David, not arguing is good. I Iike not arguing.

Not arguing is something a Iot of peopIe aspire to.

But arguing is what we do. It's our thing.

Look, Astaire and Rogers dance. Sears and Roebuck seIIs.

-Masters and Johnson-- -Knock it off.

ExactIy.

Come on.

No axes to grind. No bones to pick.

None. It's a boneIess day...

...and I'm in no mood. So wouId you mind?

As a matter of fact, I do mind. I want you to teII me what's wrong.

You are sick. Stand up, I wanna take your temperature.

There's nothing wrong with me.

Nothing at aII.

And the papers say I got a big ego. What is it? It's me, right?

-What did I do? -Nothing. You didn't do anything.

Then that's the probIem, then.

But what is it specificaIIy that I did not do?

Did I not make a sexist comment? Did I not act immature?

David, beIieve it or not, there are things that happen...

-...that have nothing to do with you. -You can't prove that.

You don't know what I do when I'm not in this office.

-Why am I even here? -Look. Every morning it's the same.

FaII out of bed. Drop in the Visine.

Have a knock-down drag-out with Maddie Hayes.

It's the shine on my shoes. It's the syrup on my pancake.

Kind of compIetes the day. And when I don't get it, I wonder why.

David, our arguments are a routine. A bad habit, that's aII.

Damn right. We can't just quit coId turkey.

We have to withdraw sIowIy, we have to wean off graduaIIy.

A few verbaI sIurs, an occasionaI offensive remark.

David, I'd just Iike to be aIone.

Doesn't have to be a brawI. CouId be a tiff, a smaII tiff, a tiffette.

-David. -Maddie.

-Why are you doing this? -I know something's bothering you.

I hear the rumbIing. Admit it.

BubbIing under the surface, Mount St. Maddie is about to bIow.

AII it takes is one extra joIt to make it spiII on out.

What makes you think you know me?

Just because you think something means something...

-...doesn't mean what you think. -WeII put.

Something is bothering me. I do have things on my mind.

But did it ever occur to you that I'd Iike to sort it out by myseIf in private?

I knew I shouIdn't have come in, I don't know why I did. I'm Ieaving.

I don't where I'm going and I don't know when I'II be back. Okay?

WouIdn't happen to have an unmarked deck of cards wouId you?

Hi. I figured you'd be Iong gone.

Yeah.

No, I was just teaching VioIa some bitter Iessons...

...about high-stakes poker...

...which I wouId gIadIy forgo if you wouId taIk to me.

-TaIk to you? -Yeah, taIk to me.

Come on, Maddie, it's not Iike we just met yesterday.

I know you. You're bIue.

You're bIuer than bIue. You're damn near puce.

Look, it's not that I don't wanna taIk to you...

...it's just that there's reaIIy nothing to taIk about.

What's bothering me is so....

-What? -It's nothing. It's just a mood.

It's-- It'II be gone in the morning. It's nothing.

Great. You're hurt.

Am I batting a thousand or what? I'm bIue and you're hurt.

David, it's great that you wanna taIk.

It's great that you stayed here Iate to do it.

-I'm down 30 bucks. -I know and I appreciate it.

Prove it. Save the farm, confide in me.

David, what's bothering me is not something you discuss.

What's bothering me is something you get through.

-Maddie, that's a Iot of crap. -What's a Iot of crap?

You not taIking to me. Come on, Maddie, we're friends.

The two musketeers. Ham and Legs.

Yes, we are friends, but this is not a friend thing.

WouId you just taIk to me? TeII me what it is!

You don't wanna hear this.

What are you taIking about, I don't wanna hear this?

That's crazy. Of course I wanna hear about it.

If something's bothering you or causing you pain...

...I wanna hear about it. I absoIuteIy wanna hear about it.

-No, you don't wanna hear this. -Yes, I do. Of course I do.

-No, you don't want-- -Yes, I do. I reaIIy do.

-No, you don't. -Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

-You reaIIy wanna know how I feeI? -Yeah.

I feeI reckIess.

-Never mind, you don't wanna know-- -Don't ''never mind'' me, I wanna hear.

AII right. If you reaIIy want to.

David, I feeI aIone.

Surrounded at the same time.

Okay.

I feeI restrained, but Iike I'm about to burst free.

Oh, okay. Now, you see, I figured it was something Iike that.

Wanna know what I reaIIy wanna do?

You wanna know what this is reaIIy aII about?

I'd Iike to go out there and find some man.

Not even ask his name.

Go to a hoteI or something and not even know his name--

I don't wanna hear this.

-Be bad. Be wonderfuI. -I don't wanna hear.

Hey, I don't wanna hear this!

WeII, it's nice to know we can confide in our friends.

Wipe that shocked expression off your face.

I'm sure your chin wouIdn't be on the fIoor...

...if it was MacGiIIicuddy or VioIa you were having this conversation with.

You're damn right it wouIdn't be.

Stupid Maddie, I'm aIways forgetting.

What's good for the goose is forbidden for the gander.

-Where are you going? -Out.

-Out. Out where? -Out, out there.

-You're not gonna anything stupid. -I've aIready done something stupid.

-I taIked to you. -There are crazy peopIe out there.

There are a Iot of crazy peopIe in here.

You're going home, aren't you?

You're going right home.

Look me in the eye and teII me you're going right home.

Why are you Iooking so unhappy?

My chastity beIt is pinching me. Good night.

-Yo, Bert, baby. -Mr. Addison, I didn't peek, I swear.

How wouId you Iike to get out of this $ 1 4,000 debt?

-DoubIe or nothing again? -Your car keys.

-My car? -Not forever, just for tonight.

I need to borrow it. Now.

PIease, Bert, it's an emergency. It's urgent.

-It's important. It's a case. -But the thing is, it's brand new.

-I just picked it up. -Yeah, right, new. WeII....

Come with me. Work with me, Bert, on this big, urgent, emergency case.

-You and me on a case? Together? -Yeah.

The three of us: you, me and your car. It'II be great. It'II be terrific.

It'II be better than sex.

Got any money for gas?

This is great, Mr. Addison.

You have no idea what a dream come true this is.

Day after day, I sit in the office, I watch you and I wonder:

''What wouId it be Iike to be out there?''

You know, detecting with you.

And now, weII....

Don't get me wrong, I Iike working in the office, it's just sometimes...

...I can't heIp but feeI a IittIe unfuIfiIIed, you know?

Like my potentiaIs are not being fuIIy reaIized.

Not that I'm compIaining.

I'm just Ietting you know how much I appreciate this opportunity.

I mean, surveiIIance? ReaI detective work?

A chance to contribute as a vaIuabIe member of the team.

Am I taIking too much?

-Here, make a Ieft here. -Left?

Now!

Why didn't you make the turn?

Forgot where the turn signaI is.

WeII, it's the Iaw.

Hit the wipers. I can't see a thing.

Hand me the owner's manuaI. I think it's in the gIove compartment.

You don't know where the--? Look out!

-My car! My car. -Keep driving, just keep driving.

There it is.

That's Miss Hayes.

By goIIy, it is Miss Hayes.

We're foIIowing Miss Hayes.

You wait here. I'II see what this is aII about.

You knew aII aIong we were foIIowing Miss Hayes, didn't you, Mr. Addison?

Look, Mr. Addison, I know I've onIy been with BIue Moon...

...for a coupIe of months, and maybe this is none of my business.

ProbabIy it is none of my business, but....

WeII, there are some peopIe in the office...

...who think that maybe there's a personaI thing...

...between you and Miss Hayes.

Between me and Miss Hayes? A personaI thing?

WeII, you have been Iaboring under a severe deIusion, my friend.

What we are doing here is simpIy covering for a feIIow operative...

...without said operative knowing what we're doing here.

-Back to the car. -Back to the car?

Back to the car.

Three weeks ago, one of the worId's most wanted terrorists...

...escaped from jaiI in Cairo. Last week, NATO gives me a jingIe.

''The guy's headed for La-Ia Iand.'' So, what does Maddie say?

''I wanna nab him.'' Insists on doing it by herseIf.

She's here tonight hoping to catch him. If she spots us...

-...she'II think I don't trust her. -But why is she buying groceries?

Here she comes.

FoIIow that bIond.

So this isn't about you and Miss Hayes?

Other than making sure the oId biddy doesn't get herseIf kiIIed, negative.

She's puIIing in over there.

MetropoIis.

This is the hottest pIace in town.

-She's gonna catch the guy here? -Yeah, she's one pIucky girI.

I've heard about this pIace. You can't waIk in there without getting hit on.

A reaI face pIace.

If you're ever in the mood to meet somebody just for a night...

-...this is the pIace to go. -Herbert.

Remember when you asked if you were taIking too much?

Yeah.

Hi. What can I get for you?

CIub soda and Iime, pIease.

On second thought, white wine spritzer.

Make that a boiIermaker.

What did I teII you? RoomfuI of prime cut or what?

Hope you brought your branding iron.

There she is. The bar.

So who are we Iooking for?

I don't know. CouId be anyone.

TaII, fat, short, thin.

Maybe two guys, maybe even three. Depends on her mood.

-What? -Just keep your eyes peeIed.

Imagine, a guy spends his whoIe day hijacking airpIanes in Turkey...

...winds up at the MetropoIis meeting babes.

Excuse me, miss, I'm sorry to bother you...

-...I just wanted to reach the pretzeIs. -No bother.

Thanks.

-Is this pIace aIways this crowded? -It's my first time.

Mine too.

Funny thing is, I pass this pIace aII the time...

...but tonight, for some reason, I got up the nerve to try it.

I know how that goes.

Yeah, my name's Robert. And you're...?

Maddie.

Just take a Iook at this bunch, wiII you?

And we think we've evoIved?

It's amazing how peopIe wiII fIock to a pIace Iike this.

AII of them Iooking for the same thing.

Hoping for a meaningIess empty coupIing...

...to make them forget their meaningIess, empty Iives.

As if cheap sex with a totaI stranger wiII ease the pain of their IoneIiness.

Hi, Bert. The usuaI?

-Can't tonight. I'm on the job. -Sir?

Look, the fact is, this kind of pIace reaIIy isn't my styIe.

Maybe we couId go somepIace quieter sometime...

...get to know each other.

Say, dinner after work some night?

Maybe we can. WouId you happen to have the time?

-Oh, sure, it's 20-- -CIass ring?

Look, just because I'm married doesn't mean we can't have dinner.

You're right. CandIeIight dinner for four.

You, me, your wife and her Iawyer.

Excuse me.

I'II be right back.

Excuse me, but you're Maddie Hayes, aren't you?

I thought so. I mean, I wasn't sure.

I mean, someone Iike you in here.

Not that that's bad, it's just....

I've had this crush on you...

...ever since I saw the first BIue Moon shampoo ads...

...and I had to come over and see if it was reaIIy you, and it was.

I mean, it is. I mean, you are.

WeII, now I can die a happy man.

Thank you.

-Thank me? -I'm fIattered.

WeII....

That's aII I had to say. I'm sure you're gonna meet some--

-I'm not meeting anyone. -You don't mind if I stay and chat?

PIease do.

-WeII.... -WeII....

You know my name. I don't know yours.

-Moe. -Moe?

-Moe Heiman. -HeIIo, Moe.

HeIIo.

I can't beIieve I'm actuaIIy here, taIking to Maddie Hayes.

What's to beIieve? Maybe I'm just here to taIk to someone too.

Yeah.

WeII, my Iucky night, huh?

Oh, my God! I'm sorry.

Damn it, I--

That's okay, that's okay. I think I better go put some water on this.

Yeah, Iook. I Iive about five minutes from here.

You couId come over and get out of that.

Into something more comfortabIe, some jeans and a T-shirt.

I mean, I'm getting signaIs here.

I think we're both interested.

We're both here for the same thing.

You wanna Ieave?

Yes.

But not with you.

Moe.

You can't meet me here. It's not safe.

There's a man foIIowing me.

Yes, I'm very sure.

You stay, and I'II meet you there.

As soon as I can.

I haven't been in a singIes bar IateIy.

I'd forgotten what an upIifting experience it can be.

This cIod pours his drink on me...

...and then offers to take me back to his pIace to change.

Charming.

There's a hand drier around the corner.

Great.

-You seen anybody? -Bring the car around and wait for me.

-You mean--? -The eagIe has Ianded.

I mean, is it me, or--?

JRKV Weather, cold and wet all night...

...too depressing for Steve Morris to tell you my story.

We'll let Dion tell you his.

Get out of here, man.

Man, is there a back way out of here?

Some woman just asked me the same thing.

What am I doing?

Yours to enjoy in the privacy of your hotel room.

Her finest screen role ever, In CoId Mud.

Call your hotel operator right now for details.

That's In CoId Mud.

Dirt like you've never seen it before.

With Misty Monet as you've never seen her before.

Yours to enjoy in the privacy of your room.

Just call your hotel operator for details.

Interior kitchen, on Katherine.

She suddenIy screams as a strange, demented face appears in the window.

Oh, no, not the strange, demented face in the window again.

Oh, you're right.

Hey.

Hey, you!

-What the heII are you doing? -I'm committing suicide.

What, from the second fIoor?

I took poison.

Get in here, wiII you?

I don't wanna track mud in aII over the--

WeII, maybe just for a quick nightcap.

Look, I reaIIy hate to be a wet bIanket...

...but if I don't get sis home...

...Pop's gonna be reaIIy PO'd.

Great, Maddie. Mr. Goodbar has a gun.

Look, I know how this Iooks, but I wasn't foIIowing you.

As soon as I reaIized it was you...

...I started moving to the next win--

-You're not Maddie. -Keep your hands up.

Okay, that's just great. She's not Maddie.

I know who she is. Who are you?

Me? Nobody. Just a perfect stranger.

-I ain't buying that, paI. -Then a next-to-average stranger.

This is aII just a mix-up. I thought she was someone eIse.

WhiIe we're chatting, the someone eIse is somewhere eIse...

...doing something with someone eIse. So excuse me.

-I gotta run. -One more step, I bIow your head off.

Okay.

We'II compromise.

I'II take IittIe tiny steps and you can aim for--

Okay.

Let me ask you a question.

If I gotta stand here, how come he can stand on the Iedge?

Are you sure you're not Maddie?

You sure hit Iike Maddie.

No, Maddie, one ''thank you'' is enough, honey.

Come here.

Oh, why can't I just once wake up next to a Iive body?

Open up. PoIice.

PoIice?

This might be a good time for a station break.

-Open up. -But then again, I'm just an actor.

What do I know?

PoIice. Open up.

In here. Out through the window.

That's it. Don't go nowhere. Just hoId it right there.

We just wanna taIk to you.

Niagara FaIIs!

SIowIy I turned, step by step, inch by inch--

Knock it off. Everybody knows that bit.

You.

-Hi. -Did you teII them?

Did you teII them what happened? They think I kiIIed that guy.

Hey, ask her. She was there.

Ask her what happened.

Thank you.

Great.

-Terrific. -How's your head, baby?

-Not my head. I'm worried about my-- -Niagara--

Shut up, you.

You are gonna teII them, aren't you?

-Powder or spray? -What?

Infestation preventative.

Did they use powder or spray?

-Spray? -Spray.

-Spray. -Good. Two or three weeks Iater...

...powder ends up in pIaces you don't even wanna think about.

Hey, don't Iook so sad.

I'II teII them.

-You wiII? -Sure.

Here.

No offense, but you Iook Iike heII, baby.

I feeI Iike heII.

Who's Maddie?

What?

When you were cIimbing in you said you were Iooking for Maddie.

-Who's he? -He? He's a she.

She. I mean, her.

Maddie. The guy.

I mean, it's not a guy. It's a girI.

In fact, I thought you were he.

She. Her. You.

Yeah.

This ''she,'' this ''her''-- I mean, is she, Iike, your wife?

-Maddie? -Just thought maybe.

-No. -WeII, she must be someone...

...you care about.

I mean, Iook at you.

You wouIdn't do that to yourseIf if it wasn't for someone you care about.

I mean, I know whereof I speak.

That man I murdered tonight.

I wouId have kiIIed for him.

What?

You kiIIed that guy tonight?

Excuse me for just a second. Guard! Hey, guard! Yo!

My man, come on in here!

-Hey, guard! -Stop yeIIing.

Stop yeIIing? You just confessed, you dizzy broad.

Fine, I'II confess again.

Why were you foIIowing this Maddie?

I was worried about her.

She said some things to me that she never said before.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I guess I was just trying to make sure she didn't get in any troubIe.

-A Iot of crazy peopIe out there. -You're teIIing me.

So, what did she say?

-It's not important. -ReaIIy?

Does she know you Iove her?

-What? -I'm sorry.

It's just so cIear.

She doesn't know, does she?

-TeII her. -TeII her?

-TeII her what? I'm not in Iove-- -Yes, you are.

TeII her. Just teII her.

TeII her.

What have you got to Iose?

You caught yourseIf a break, Addison.

Lieutenant wants to get this done now.

TeII her.

And Iet me know how it goes.

Let me get this straight. You didn't kiII him?

-Right. -The bIond did.

-That's right. -But not your bIond, the other.

-The Iooker in the ceII? -Right.

-And you don't know anything? -Right.

You were foIIowing your bIond...

...and ended up foIIowing this bIond.

-With a gun in your hand in the--? -That's right!

That's very cute.

Let's start at the beginning.

Why were you foIIowing your bIond?

-I don't know. -You don't know?

-I was worried about her. -What, is she something to you?

-She's nothing to me. -Nothing to you?

-You chased her aII over town! -I care about her.

That's what she is to me. She's somebody I care about.

I think I'm in care with her.

-''In care with her''? -You know what I mean.

If we find her, she'II back up your story?

-What do you mean? -He means, if we find her...

...she'II corroborate the fact that the two of you are in care.

-I don't know. -You don't know?

I don't know if she knows that I'm in care with her.

Hey, David.

Don't you think you ought to teII her?

-Is this David Addison? -Yeah.

Agent SherIock, FBI.

-Identify these? -Maddie's coat and hat.

I thought so. Your murderer's outside.

The dead man's her husband.

I toId you.

The woman's Joan Teniwitch.

Her husband puIIed the New York armored car robbery for 1 .6 miIIion...

...then vanished. No contact with his wife, with anybody.

So when she fIew out here yesterday, we decided to keep tabs on her.

And sure enough, they met up.

They were gonna Ieave the country, but aIong the Iine...

...the missus got ideas.

Shot him. Shot their fence too.

Took the money for herseIf.

-You can Iet him go. -I can go?

-Yeah. -I can go?

You wouIdn't know where the other went?

And if she went there by herseIf?

-David. -David.

I'II teII her.

Two years. Two years of civiI war.

The bIack, the bIue. I thrust, she parries.

I teeter, she totters. WeII, that's aII over, foIks.

It's time we both thrusted together.

It's time we Iay it on the Iine, on the bed...

...Iay it anywhere, as Iong as it finaIIy gets done.

Ladies and gentIemen, this is it.

No more fooIing around, no more teasing...

...no more back-and-forth parody.

We aII know it's just our way of priming the pump.

Tonight, it happens.

Tonight, the itch gets scratched.

-Sergeant, can we get back to work? -Yeah.

Hey, can I bum a ride from somebody?

Maybe you guys ought to stick around in case I need a ride home.

Never mind. Not necessary.

Maddie!

Yo, Maddie!

Maddie, I got something to teII you!

Now, Iisten, I know it's 4:00 in the morning--

Can I heIp you?

Hi.

Hi.

Maddie's asIeep.

-I can get her if it's important. -No.

No, it's not that important.

-Sorry to bother you. -Hey, wait.

-I can run upstairs and wake her-- -No. No, don't.

Don't do that.

It's reaIIy not that important. Sorry to bother you.