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1
00:00:05,260 --> 00:00:06,430
both:
Right arm up and elbow bent.
2
00:00:07,420 --> 00:00:09,670
Head roll,
shimmy it, and shimmy it.
3
00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:12,020
And step on the bug.
Squish it, squish it.
4
00:00:12,010 --> 00:00:14,260
Bitten by a rattlesnake.
Wince! Wince!
5
00:00:14,260 --> 00:00:16,760
Wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble.
6
00:00:16,770 --> 00:00:17,940
Drive to the hospital.
7
00:00:17,930 --> 00:00:19,970
Swerving, swerving.
8
00:00:19,980 --> 00:00:21,150
Slam on the brakes.
9
00:00:21,150 --> 00:00:23,150
Backwards box step.
10
00:00:23,150 --> 00:00:24,280
- Yeah!
- Yes!
11
00:00:24,270 --> 00:00:25,440
Whoo!
12
00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:27,030
Okay, okay, break time.
13
00:00:27,030 --> 00:00:29,870
Must take a break to not die.
14
00:00:29,860 --> 00:00:32,650
We're doing the annual
father-daughter dance,
15
00:00:32,660 --> 00:00:35,000
so we need to--
are you knitting?
16
00:00:34,990 --> 00:00:37,620
Read an article that said
hobbies are good for the brain.
17
00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:39,790
Also said to give up bacon
and fudge.
18
00:00:39,790 --> 00:00:42,790
But you can't believe
everything you read.
19
00:00:42,790 --> 00:00:44,380
Jimmy, car looks great.
20
00:00:44,380 --> 00:00:46,550
Any shot at winning
the Pinewood Derby?
21
00:00:46,550 --> 00:00:48,390
Yeah, if nobody else
shows up.
22
00:00:48,380 --> 00:00:49,720
Okay, Grace,
let's take another--
23
00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,310
ah!
24
00:00:51,300 --> 00:00:53,890
- Oh, my God!
- Dad, are you okay?
25
00:00:53,890 --> 00:00:57,140
Don't move, don't move,
don't move, don't move.
26
00:00:57,140 --> 00:01:00,690
Oh, thank God,
the blanket's unharmed.
27
00:01:00,690 --> 00:01:02,530
You can move now, Jim.
28
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:04,560
I've never seen
a human fly like that.
29
00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,440
Are you okay, Dad?
- Yeah, yeah, I think I am.
30
00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:09,360
It must be the adrenaline.
31
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:10,690
I don't feel a thing.
32
00:01:10,700 --> 00:01:13,080
Where's my other
knitting needle?
33
00:01:13,070 --> 00:01:14,280
Ahh.
34
00:01:23,540 --> 00:01:24,750
Why did they just gasp?
35
00:01:24,750 --> 00:01:26,540
Uh, no reason.
36
00:01:26,540 --> 00:01:29,250
Nobody gasps just to gasp.
37
00:01:29,260 --> 00:01:31,720
Son, I need you
to look at me.
38
00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:32,600
Why, what's happening?
39
00:01:32,590 --> 00:01:34,260
Everything is gonna be okay.
40
00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:35,470
Why wouldn't
everything be okay?
41
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:37,140
No reason.
That's why
42
00:01:37,140 --> 00:01:39,480
everything is gonna be okay.
43
00:01:40,980 --> 00:01:42,440
all: Don't sit down!
44
00:01:44,690 --> 00:01:46,780
There's a knitting needle
in my butt cheek, isn't there?
45
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,990
No, there isn't.
46
00:01:52,990 --> 00:01:55,700
{\an8}{\i1} * It's true ♪
47
00:01:55,700 --> 00:01:59,790
{\an8}{\i1}♪ The marriage that
we once had now is through ♪
48
00:01:59,790 --> 00:02:03,790
{\an8}{\i1}♪ But now we're doing
all that we can do ♪
49
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:08,460
{\an8}{\i1}♪ To keep us all together
as a crew ♪
50
00:02:08,460 --> 00:02:12,090
{\an8}{\i1}♪ Just do as we say,
not as we do ♪
51
00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:16,300
{\an8}{\i1}♪ We really thought
that we were done ♪
52
00:02:16,300 --> 00:02:18,890
{\an8}{\i1}♪ But we've just begun ♪
53
00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:23,640
{\an8}Hey, thanks for the help
cleaning up the table, kids.
54
00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:25,980
{\an8}I plugged the hole
with a dollop of Polysporin,
55
00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:28,610
{\an8}and now my tush is good as new.
56
00:02:28,610 --> 00:02:30,240
{\an8}Look who's here with Chinese.
57
00:02:30,230 --> 00:02:32,820
{\an8}Got the orange chicken
family meal.
58
00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:37,240
{\an8}Orange, my second favorite
chicken flavor after nuggets.
59
00:02:38,450 --> 00:02:39,620
{\an8}Where's the coffee table?
60
00:02:39,620 --> 00:02:41,830
{\an8}- I got hit by a car.
- What?
61
00:02:41,830 --> 00:02:43,790
{\an8}Oh, continue.
62
00:02:43,790 --> 00:02:45,420
{\an8}Anyway, took a little bit
of a tumble.
63
00:02:45,420 --> 00:02:46,920
{\an8}Punctured my old patootie.
64
00:02:49,340 --> 00:02:52,340
{\an8}But I am confident that by this
Friday's father-daughter dance,
65
00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:54,220
{\an8}that my little moneymaker
will be 100%.
66
00:02:54,220 --> 00:02:55,680
{\an8}Not this Friday night.
67
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:57,810
{\an8}This Friday is
the Pinewood Derby.
68
00:02:57,800 --> 00:02:59,340
{\an8}No, that's next Friday.
69
00:02:59,350 --> 00:03:00,350
{\an8}It's in my phone. See?
70
00:03:00,350 --> 00:03:02,520
{\an8}Next Friday.
71
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,560
{\an8}Pretty sure they changed it.
72
00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:06,560
{\an8}No, they would have
sent you home with a memo.
73
00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:11,150
{\an8}Jimmy, did you leave a memo
in your backpack again?
74
00:03:11,150 --> 00:03:13,990
{\an8}What kind of word is "memo"?
75
00:03:13,990 --> 00:03:15,620
{\an8}It's short for "memorandum."
76
00:03:15,610 --> 00:03:18,700
{\an8}What kind of word
is "memorandum"?
77
00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:21,620
{\an8}I believe it's
the long version of "memo."
78
00:03:21,620 --> 00:03:23,660
I know,
but they're all we got.
79
00:03:23,660 --> 00:03:26,000
When is the last time
you emptied this?
80
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,670
Last time I what?
81
00:03:29,130 --> 00:03:31,300
Dad, you got to go
to the father-daughter dance.
82
00:03:31,290 --> 00:03:32,540
Grace, I know.
83
00:03:32,550 --> 00:03:34,050
Have I not learned
all the moves?
84
00:03:34,050 --> 00:03:35,300
Risked paralysis?
85
00:03:35,300 --> 00:03:36,720
The father-daughter dance
is why I'm getting
86
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:39,770
bitten by rattlesnakes
and swerving off the road.
87
00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:41,550
I'm the daughter,
you're my father.
88
00:03:41,550 --> 00:03:43,640
There's a dance.
We have to go!
89
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:45,350
This is an unsigned
permission slip for the zoo
90
00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:46,390
from two weeks ago.
91
00:03:46,390 --> 00:03:47,560
And you still went?
92
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,690
There's cracks in the system.
93
00:03:51,020 --> 00:03:52,400
Ugh! He's right.
94
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,610
They did change the date
of the derby.
95
00:03:53,610 --> 00:03:56,490
I hate this school.
- I'm with you, Mom.
96
00:03:56,490 --> 00:03:58,410
You are not
without blame, buddy.
97
00:03:58,410 --> 00:04:00,580
Me? They put their trust
in a C student.
98
00:04:00,570 --> 00:04:02,070
You're a B student.
99
00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:04,620
I think there's another memo
in that bag.
100
00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:08,420
Dad, the dance is
our tradition--
101
00:04:08,420 --> 00:04:10,130
a tradition that's
about to be over.
102
00:04:10,130 --> 00:04:11,510
I know I messed up,
103
00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:13,670
but the Pinewood Derby is
a tradition too.
104
00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:15,170
Dad, you gotta come with me.
105
00:04:15,170 --> 00:04:18,260
All right, I-I realize
that you both need Super Dad
106
00:04:18,260 --> 00:04:19,760
to bless you with his presence.
107
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:22,640
But cloning technology
has sadly not kept pace
108
00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:25,730
with the universal need
for more me.
109
00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:28,810
So just give me a minute
to figure out a plan.
110
00:04:31,190 --> 00:04:33,230
Okay, help.
111
00:04:33,230 --> 00:04:35,770
Uh, okay.
Well, why don't I sub in
112
00:04:35,780 --> 00:04:37,120
for Dad at the Pinewood Derby?
113
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,280
Boom, problem solved.
114
00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:39,910
No, not boom.
115
00:04:39,900 --> 00:04:41,110
I can't go with Mom.
116
00:04:41,110 --> 00:04:42,990
Whenever I'm with Mom,
everyone calls me...
117
00:04:45,580 --> 00:04:47,420
When I was playing Fortnite
last month--
118
00:04:47,410 --> 00:04:49,660
keep in mind, I have
a live mic on my headset
119
00:04:49,660 --> 00:04:52,960
that is broadcasting
to 45 of my best friends--
120
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,460
Mom bursts in yelling,
121
00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:56,630
"Goo Goo Bear,
your bubble bath is ready."
122
00:04:58,340 --> 00:05:00,090
My God,
what were you thinking?
123
00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:04,050
I was thinking
it was tubby time.
124
00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:09,980
Plus, Mom, Steve Green's dad
is always saying
125
00:05:09,980 --> 00:05:12,440
that you're the prettiest mom
in the neighborhood.
126
00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:15,110
Oh. Jerry said that?
127
00:05:15,110 --> 00:05:16,450
Hm.
128
00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:19,360
Yeah, Jerry said that.
129
00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,070
Jerry says a lot of things.
130
00:05:22,660 --> 00:05:25,000
Grace, why don't I sub in
at the dance?
131
00:05:24,990 --> 00:05:26,450
I'm a better dancer
than your dad.
132
00:05:26,450 --> 00:05:28,160
Just ask the coffee table.
133
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:30,200
I'm not going
to the father-daughter dance
134
00:05:30,210 --> 00:05:31,540
with my mom.
- Why?
135
00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:33,000
Your other classmates go
with their moms,
136
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,290
and they think it's cool.
- Yeah, if you have two moms
137
00:05:35,290 --> 00:05:36,670
or your dad's in prison,
it's cool.
138
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:39,340
But that's not me.
Dad, you decide.
139
00:05:39,340 --> 00:05:41,220
The child that first
made you a father
140
00:05:41,220 --> 00:05:42,850
or the other kid?
141
00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:44,180
Other kid?
142
00:05:44,180 --> 00:05:48,480
I am James Patrick Kearney,
second of his name.
143
00:05:48,470 --> 00:05:50,680
I cannot and will not choose.
144
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,930
Ethically and philosophically,
it would be a mistake
145
00:05:52,940 --> 00:05:56,570
because one of you
would not like me.
146
00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,270
The more I see
how adults make decisions,
147
00:05:58,270 --> 00:06:00,360
the less safe I feel.
148
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,990
So what, we flip a coin?
149
00:06:01,990 --> 00:06:04,410
Ah, the age-old tiebreaker.
Jimmy, call it.
150
00:06:04,410 --> 00:06:06,620
Give me the nickel off the car.
- Heads.
151
00:06:06,620 --> 00:06:07,830
I'm not flipping it.
The losing kid
152
00:06:07,830 --> 00:06:09,330
will just blame me
for how I flipped.
153
00:06:09,330 --> 00:06:11,370
The blame is never on the
flipper, it's on the caller.
154
00:06:11,370 --> 00:06:12,830
Why?
The responsibility is just
155
00:06:12,830 --> 00:06:14,000
as much on the flipper
as the caller.
156
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,880
- She's got a point.
- That's legit.
157
00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:18,430
No, no, no, the caller has
two choices, heads or tails.
158
00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:20,340
If Jimmy picks the wrong one,
then the blame lies with him.
159
00:06:20,340 --> 00:06:22,720
But the flipper is the last
person to touch the coin.
160
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:24,300
That's when
the questions begin.
161
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,220
How high did the flipper toss?
How fast did the flipper flip?
162
00:06:26,220 --> 00:06:28,180
The flipper holds the fate
of the flip in their hands.
163
00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:29,890
The flipper has all the blame.
164
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,600
Trey, we need you
to flip a coin.
165
00:06:35,150 --> 00:06:37,070
Jimmy Jr.'s
already called heads.
166
00:06:37,060 --> 00:06:39,150
We need an impartial flipper
to flip in a way
167
00:06:39,150 --> 00:06:41,900
that is free of conscious
or unconscious flipper bias.
168
00:06:41,900 --> 00:06:43,740
How could a flipper
flip with bias?
169
00:06:43,740 --> 00:06:46,160
Velocity, trajectory,
phalange, finesse.
170
00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:47,750
I've studied magic, so I know.
171
00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:49,580
I am not surprised.
172
00:06:49,580 --> 00:06:51,620
Did you know that
coin flipping actually began
173
00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:53,540
during the Roman Empire
when they had to decide
174
00:06:53,540 --> 00:06:55,540
who was going to be castrated?
175
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:57,250
The term eunuch comes--
176
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:58,920
both: Flip it!
177
00:07:01,090 --> 00:07:02,260
- Tails.
- Yes!
178
00:07:02,260 --> 00:07:03,800
I'm gonna go try on my dress.
179
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,890
That's what the losers
used to say in Rome.
180
00:07:06,890 --> 00:07:08,770
We're gonna need
more orange chicken.
181
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,800
- You spilled it?
- I ate it.
182
00:07:10,810 --> 00:07:13,520
You ate the whole thing?
It was a family size.
183
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,980
I'm family.
184
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:18,360
I'm really sorry
about missing
185
00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:19,940
the Pinewood Derby, buddy.
186
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,940
This is a ridiculous way
to parent.
187
00:07:23,990 --> 00:07:25,660
Ridiculous!
188
00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:30,110
- Did I mess this up?
- No. He messed this up.
189
00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:31,540
Do you have any idea
how many times
190
00:07:31,530 --> 00:07:33,030
we've told him
to empty his backpack?
191
00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:34,420
Well, is there anything
I can do?
192
00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:35,660
I feel responsible.
193
00:07:35,660 --> 00:07:37,330
Well, you should.
You're the flipper.
194
00:07:37,330 --> 00:07:39,620
If you'd stayed in the kitchen,
none of this would've happened.
195
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:48,840
Hey, kid.
Sorry it didn't go your way.
196
00:07:49,890 --> 00:07:51,640
I'm sorry I reacted
the way I did.
197
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:54,020
No, I get it.
I totally get it.
198
00:07:54,020 --> 00:07:56,610
I mean, I enjoyed going to
the Pinewood Derby with my dad.
199
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,270
I really loved
that bonding time.
200
00:07:58,270 --> 00:07:59,610
Yeah, it's fun.
201
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,100
I mean, we make
a whole night out of it.
202
00:08:01,110 --> 00:08:03,860
First we lose,
then we go to Mike's Pastry,
203
00:08:03,860 --> 00:08:05,900
and the whole time
we're laughing.
204
00:08:05,900 --> 00:08:08,400
I love me some Mike's Pastry.
205
00:08:08,410 --> 00:08:10,290
You know, um,
206
00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:12,490
you'd probably do better
if you polished your axle
207
00:08:12,490 --> 00:08:14,990
and checked your alignment.
208
00:08:14,990 --> 00:08:17,870
When I was a scout,
we studied woodworking,
209
00:08:17,870 --> 00:08:20,920
we studied aerodynamics,
weight transfer.
210
00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:23,260
We had this thing down
to a science.
211
00:08:23,250 --> 00:08:25,710
Will you go to the Derby
with me instead of my mom?
212
00:08:25,710 --> 00:08:27,130
Dude, your mom's gonna
kill it.
213
00:08:27,130 --> 00:08:29,630
She's in the kitchen scouring
the web for ways to win.
214
00:08:29,630 --> 00:08:32,090
Well, she should
scour your head.
215
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:36,650
Please? You're my stepdad.
216
00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:38,850
I mean, future stepdad.
217
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:46,740
I-I will be your stepdad.
218
00:08:46,740 --> 00:08:48,990
Unless, um--
219
00:08:48,990 --> 00:08:51,490
how are you and Mom
getting along lately?
220
00:08:51,490 --> 00:08:52,740
We're good.
221
00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:54,660
Why, you heard something?
222
00:08:54,660 --> 00:08:56,450
Dude, you think
she'd tell me?
223
00:08:56,450 --> 00:08:58,240
I thought my parents had
a good marriage.
224
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:01,460
Talk to her.
225
00:09:01,460 --> 00:09:05,130
Fingers crossed for the Derby
and your engagement.
226
00:09:05,130 --> 00:09:08,630
The engagement's solid.
Let me go work on the Derby.
227
00:09:16,510 --> 00:09:19,260
Pro tip, always include
the words "Pinewood Derby"
228
00:09:19,270 --> 00:09:20,770
when you Google
"which lubricant gives you
229
00:09:20,770 --> 00:09:23,440
the most bang for your buck?"
230
00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:25,030
Also, "wood derby" by itself
231
00:09:25,020 --> 00:09:27,810
will return
some very disturbing images.
232
00:09:27,820 --> 00:09:29,780
We gotta bring back shame.
233
00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:32,660
Are you okay?
234
00:09:32,660 --> 00:09:35,620
Yeah, um,
235
00:09:35,620 --> 00:09:39,790
Jimmy Jr. just called me
his future stepdad.
236
00:09:39,790 --> 00:09:44,710
Emotions just kind of snuck up
on me like a burp.
237
00:09:44,710 --> 00:09:47,250
He wants me to take him
to the Derby.
238
00:09:47,250 --> 00:09:48,590
Instead of me?
239
00:09:48,590 --> 00:09:50,470
Yeah, but it's only
'cause I'm an Eagle Scout.
240
00:09:50,470 --> 00:09:52,760
Oh, yeah, of course.
241
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:55,100
- So you won't feel hurt?
- Far from.
242
00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:57,310
- Cast aside or iced out?
- Nope.
243
00:09:57,310 --> 00:09:59,440
- Taken for granted?
- I don't think in those terms.
244
00:09:59,430 --> 00:10:00,890
You're amazing.
245
00:10:00,890 --> 00:10:02,680
By the way,
246
00:10:02,690 --> 00:10:05,030
I think your Eagle Scout thing
is super hot.
247
00:10:05,020 --> 00:10:07,400
That might be the first time
those words were ever spoken.
248
00:10:16,870 --> 00:10:19,790
This is when you really miss
coffee tables.
249
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:23,040
Where's Dad?
250
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:25,210
Went to go pick up his tux.
251
00:10:25,210 --> 00:10:27,750
Oh, my God, I can't get over
how good you look.
252
00:10:27,750 --> 00:10:28,750
Let me get a few pictures.
253
00:10:28,750 --> 00:10:30,040
Mom, enough, please.
254
00:10:30,050 --> 00:10:32,050
I'm the most documented child
in captivity.
255
00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:37,930
Hey, future stepdad.
256
00:10:37,930 --> 00:10:40,770
- Big night.
- Jimmy, Trey's here.
257
00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:42,400
You're gonna do great, okay?
258
00:10:42,390 --> 00:10:44,180
Just remember the basics.
Favorite place to eat?
259
00:10:44,190 --> 00:10:45,980
7-Eleven.
Two Big Bites,
260
00:10:45,980 --> 00:10:48,270
blue Takis,
Code Red Mountain Dew,
261
00:10:48,270 --> 00:10:50,690
and family-sized pack
of Sour Patch Kids.
262
00:10:50,690 --> 00:10:52,820
And if he then gets sick
in the car?
263
00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:54,450
Ginger ale.
264
00:10:54,450 --> 00:10:56,240
Really sick?
265
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:57,320
Backup ginger ale.
266
00:10:58,830 --> 00:11:00,540
An Eagle Scout is
always prepared.
267
00:11:00,540 --> 00:11:01,620
Yep.
268
00:11:03,790 --> 00:11:05,210
Jim, where are you?
269
00:11:05,210 --> 00:11:06,630
I'm stuck.
270
00:11:06,620 --> 00:11:07,620
What do you mean
you're stuck?
271
00:11:07,630 --> 00:11:09,130
The green line is stuck.
272
00:11:09,130 --> 00:11:11,300
{\i1}- Are you on the green line?
- No, Julia.
273
00:11:11,300 --> 00:11:13,590
{\i1}I'm updating you
on an unrelated track closure.
274
00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:15,590
{\i1}Yes, I'm on the green line,
and I'm stuck!
275
00:11:15,590 --> 00:11:19,090
And desperately clinging
to a single bar of service.
276
00:11:19,100 --> 00:11:21,190
Dad, the dance starts
in an hour.
277
00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:22,810
{\i1}I told the engineer that.
278
00:11:22,810 --> 00:11:25,440
But like this train,
he was unmoved.
279
00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:26,610
I'll go to the dance.
280
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:27,730
We'll say your father is
in prison.
281
00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:29,690
We can brainstorm
about why on the way.
282
00:11:29,690 --> 00:11:31,400
No, no, no, no!
I'm innocent.
283
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,400
I-I'm gonna make it, Grace.
You hear me?
284
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:35,280
Grandpa is on his way
to escort you there,
285
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:38,410
and I will arrive before
the last dance, I promise.
286
00:11:38,410 --> 00:11:40,540
There are some old dads there
on their third wives,
287
00:11:40,530 --> 00:11:43,330
so I guess Grandpa
won't stand out.
288
00:11:43,330 --> 00:11:46,330
Um, he's not gonna wear
his powder blue tuxedo, is he?
289
00:11:46,330 --> 00:11:48,420
Oh, no, that's just
for weddings and funerals.
290
00:11:48,420 --> 00:11:49,920
He'll be there any second.
291
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,550
{\i1}Can I have
your attention, please?
292
00:11:51,540 --> 00:11:53,460
{\i1}Could the guy in the back
who's standing up on the seat
293
00:11:53,460 --> 00:11:56,880
{\i1}please get his dirty sneakers
off the seat?
294
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,810
You're deliberately going the
long way to jack up the fare!
295
00:12:02,810 --> 00:12:04,270
I'm using Waze.
296
00:12:04,270 --> 00:12:07,520
Yeah, ways to cheat me
out of my hard-earned dough!
297
00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:10,150
Trust me, I want you out
of my cab as soon as possible.
298
00:12:10,150 --> 00:12:11,990
You should have taken
Storrow Drive,
299
00:12:11,980 --> 00:12:13,570
you rip-off artist.
300
00:12:13,570 --> 00:12:15,740
I didn't take Storrow 'cause
I knew there was an accident.
301
00:12:15,740 --> 00:12:17,080
How? We didn't even try it.
302
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,860
I told you, I got Waze.
303
00:12:18,860 --> 00:12:20,030
Oh, you got ways, huh?
304
00:12:20,030 --> 00:12:21,820
I got ways to deal
with bums like you.
305
00:12:21,830 --> 00:12:23,210
Pull over!
306
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:28,710
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, you owe me $12.50.
307
00:12:28,710 --> 00:12:30,880
Not a chance, you crook!
308
00:12:32,420 --> 00:12:34,420
This looks like
it's worth $12.50,
309
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:36,710
you Bobby Vinton wannabe.
310
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,050
Not my knitting bag.
311
00:12:45,270 --> 00:12:46,310
{\i1}A crooked cabdriver
just robbed me.
312
00:12:47,770 --> 00:12:49,190
Oh, my God, are you okay?
313
00:12:49,190 --> 00:12:51,610
{\i1}Yeah, he only got
my knitting bag.
314
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:53,810
{\i1}And my wallet was in the bag.
315
00:12:53,820 --> 00:12:56,070
I'll send an Uber.
Give me your address.
316
00:12:56,070 --> 00:12:59,410
{\i1}I'm on the corner of walk
and don't walk.
317
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:01,240
{\i1}Forget it.
I'll hail another cab
318
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:03,620
{\i1}and just ditch the fare
when I'm close.
319
00:13:03,620 --> 00:13:05,290
{\i1}See you soon.
320
00:13:07,290 --> 00:13:09,500
Grace, I'm not bullish
on Grandpa's chances.
321
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:10,590
We may need a Plan B.
322
00:13:10,580 --> 00:13:13,080
Isn't it, like, Plan G
at this point?
323
00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:14,540
I may be your best bet.
324
00:13:14,540 --> 00:13:15,880
I've got the perfect dress.
325
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:18,420
Mom, it's not that I don't
want to go with you.
326
00:13:18,420 --> 00:13:20,510
It's that I don't want you
to go with me.
327
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:24,180
Trey, will you take me?
328
00:13:24,180 --> 00:13:25,890
To the father-daughter dance?
329
00:13:25,890 --> 00:13:27,930
Yeah, you're kind of like
my other father.
330
00:13:27,930 --> 00:13:31,060
Stepfather--stepfather-to-be.
331
00:13:33,150 --> 00:13:35,150
- They're both saying it now.
- I know.
332
00:13:35,150 --> 00:13:37,280
Keep it together, big guy.
333
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:39,570
Grace, Trey already promised
to go to the Derby.
334
00:13:39,570 --> 00:13:40,820
It wouldn't be fair to Jimmy.
335
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:43,530
What wouldn't be fair
to Jimmy this time?
336
00:13:43,530 --> 00:13:45,950
Well, your father is stuck
in the subway,
337
00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:47,410
and Grace asked Trey
to take her to the dance.
338
00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:49,290
But I know how much
you're looking forward
339
00:13:49,290 --> 00:13:51,130
to Trey taking you
to the Derby.
340
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,040
Even though I've done
a lot of research,
341
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:54,290
and I know that if we swap out
342
00:13:54,290 --> 00:13:56,080
the steel axle
for the graphite,
343
00:13:56,090 --> 00:13:59,640
we can achieve a significant
reduction in friction.
344
00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:01,010
I'm just saying.
345
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:05,930
Wow. I don't know
so many of those words.
346
00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:09,520
What would you rather do?
347
00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:11,190
It's up to you, Jimmy.
348
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:17,320
So this is
what power feels like, huh?
349
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:19,410
I like it.
350
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,900
I like it a lot.
351
00:14:21,900 --> 00:14:24,440
Jimmy, I re--
352
00:14:26,030 --> 00:14:27,740
Okay, fine.
I'll take Mom.
353
00:14:27,740 --> 00:14:29,080
But I want the bigger bedroom.
354
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:30,330
And I want to be
an only child,
355
00:14:30,330 --> 00:14:31,500
but there are laws
that prevent me
356
00:14:31,500 --> 00:14:33,710
from making that dream
come true.
357
00:14:33,710 --> 00:14:36,840
Then I win the next
five arguments we have.
358
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:37,970
- Four.
- Five.
359
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,420
Okay, you win.
You have four left.
360
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:40,500
Trey, let's go!
361
00:14:42,550 --> 00:14:44,180
I promise not to call you
Goo Goo Bear.
362
00:14:44,180 --> 00:14:46,060
We can only hope.
363
00:14:46,050 --> 00:14:47,510
Babe, I'm not dressed for it.
364
00:14:47,510 --> 00:14:49,890
I studied up on Jimmy Jr.,
not Grace.
365
00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:51,890
I know the TikTok song,
not the dance.
366
00:14:51,890 --> 00:14:53,520
Go by your place
and pick up a suit.
367
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:55,650
Just dance with her in a way
that won't embarrass her
368
00:14:55,650 --> 00:14:57,030
or you'll--what am I saying?
369
00:14:57,020 --> 00:14:58,480
She usually goes to this thing
with Jim.
370
00:14:58,480 --> 00:14:59,610
You're good.
371
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:03,360
You moving?
372
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:04,610
Uh, I am.
373
00:15:04,610 --> 00:15:07,030
However, my train is not.
Did my dad show up?
374
00:15:07,030 --> 00:15:09,370
Your dad got his wallet
stolen by a cabbie.
375
00:15:09,370 --> 00:15:11,120
- Apparently--
- I don't want to know.
376
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:12,960
So Grace had to go with Trey.
377
00:15:12,950 --> 00:15:14,910
Wha--no, no, Grace can't go
378
00:15:14,910 --> 00:15:16,330
to the father-daughter dance
without me.
379
00:15:16,330 --> 00:15:17,790
People will think
I bailed on her.
380
00:15:17,790 --> 00:15:19,630
{\i1}But you didn't; you just
chose the wrong train.
381
00:15:19,630 --> 00:15:21,260
Wait, no,
h-how is this my fault?
382
00:15:21,250 --> 00:15:23,210
I'm not driving the train.
I'm merely a rider.
383
00:15:23,210 --> 00:15:25,130
Yes, I've heard news
of budget cuts.
384
00:15:25,130 --> 00:15:27,380
But I expected
basic functionality.
385
00:15:27,390 --> 00:15:29,270
Ah, so the rider did
pick the train,
386
00:15:29,260 --> 00:15:31,390
and the rider did fail to plan
for unforeseen circumstances,
387
00:15:31,390 --> 00:15:33,600
so the rider did, in fact,
choose his own destiny!
388
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,310
I will not be flipped down
that rabbit hole again.
389
00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:39,190
I will get to the dance
no matter what occurs.
390
00:15:40,650 --> 00:15:42,320
Pinewood Derby, let's go.
391
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,070
Let's go, Jimmy, let's go!
392
00:15:44,070 --> 00:15:46,070
Pinewood Derby, let's go. Oh!
393
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,530
Gracie, let's go!
394
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:49,820
I ditched the cabbie
at a red light two blocks away.
395
00:15:49,820 --> 00:15:51,820
Oh, sorry, Bobby.
Grace already left with Trey
396
00:15:51,830 --> 00:15:54,040
to the dance and Jimmy Jr.
and I are off to the Derby.
397
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,920
Ah, the Pinewood Derby.
398
00:15:55,910 --> 00:15:57,410
I used to love going with Jim.
399
00:15:57,420 --> 00:15:59,550
I guess I could go
with little Jimmy next year.
400
00:15:59,540 --> 00:16:03,130
You know what they say.
Grandparents live forever.
401
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:10,260
Jimmy, you're going
with your grandfather.
402
00:16:13,260 --> 00:16:15,930
Uh, Grace, it's Dad.
403
00:16:15,930 --> 00:16:17,310
Pointlessly leaving you
a voicemail
404
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:19,060
to which you will never listen.
405
00:16:19,060 --> 00:16:22,060
I am so sorry
I'm not at the dance yet.
406
00:16:22,070 --> 00:16:23,610
I know you're having no fun
without me.
407
00:16:23,610 --> 00:16:26,280
But I promise you,
I am on my way,
408
00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,280
because there is nothing
on this Earth
409
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:30,160
that will keep me from--rat!
410
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:33,040
Rat! Rat!
411
00:16:33,030 --> 00:16:36,030
Good lord, look at the size
of that thing.
412
00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:38,540
I'm on my way.
Don't dance without me.
413
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:57,520
Here we go, Grace, let's see
if I can keep up with you.
414
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:16,950
Elbow bent, and shoulder,
shoulder, shimmy it--
415
00:17:16,950 --> 00:17:18,540
- Dad, you made it!
- Oh.
416
00:17:18,540 --> 00:17:20,380
- Hey, Jim.
- Hey, Trey.
417
00:17:20,370 --> 00:17:21,960
Did you know Trey knew
how to swing dance?
418
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,340
I didn't even know you knew
how to swing dance.
419
00:17:24,340 --> 00:17:27,090
- She's a natural.
- And he's a natural coach.
420
00:17:34,890 --> 00:17:36,220
Super, super.
421
00:17:36,220 --> 00:17:37,850
Do you want to step on
the bug now?
422
00:17:37,850 --> 00:17:40,390
Hey, DJ, play
"Snake Bite Emergency," okay?
423
00:17:40,390 --> 00:17:43,100
Actually, do you mind if I do
one more dance with Trey?
424
00:17:43,100 --> 00:17:45,520
Oh. Yeah, yeah, of course.
Go--go ahead.
425
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,270
I should probably go freshen up
in the men's room anyway.
426
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:49,780
A lot of subway soot
in my lungs
427
00:17:49,780 --> 00:17:51,370
I should probably cough up,
428
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:53,650
along with a smidgen
of rat dander.
429
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:58,450
Ow! Ow.
430
00:17:58,450 --> 00:18:00,410
Oh, man.
431
00:18:00,410 --> 00:18:03,250
Happened again.
I pulled a hamstring.
432
00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:05,250
Swinging too strong.
433
00:18:07,250 --> 00:18:09,960
Go get 'em, Kearneys!
434
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:11,460
- Uh--
- DJ, hit it!
435
00:18:11,470 --> 00:18:14,140
- Maybe I should stretch first.
- No time, Dad. Let's go.
436
00:18:14,140 --> 00:18:15,140
Trey.
437
00:18:20,180 --> 00:18:22,020
both:
Left arm up and elbow bent
438
00:18:22,020 --> 00:18:23,060
and shoulder shrug.
439
00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:25,060
And shimmy it, shimmy it.
440
00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:27,020
Right arm up and elbow bent.
441
00:18:27,020 --> 00:18:29,610
Head roll.
Shimmy it, shimmy it.
442
00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:30,900
Step on the bug.
443
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:43,410
And while pretending
to pull my hammy,
444
00:18:43,420 --> 00:18:45,960
I almost did pull my hammy.
445
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:47,250
Thanks for stepping up
tonight.
446
00:18:47,250 --> 00:18:50,210
Oh, it was fun to step in.
447
00:18:50,210 --> 00:18:52,250
Then Jim showed up,
and I stepped back.
448
00:18:52,260 --> 00:18:53,800
Yep, that's being a parent.
449
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,140
Sacrifice, sucking it up,
stepping back.
450
00:18:56,140 --> 00:18:57,770
Hm.
451
00:18:57,760 --> 00:18:59,640
And you're sure you're
all right with all of this?
452
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:04,940
Dude, I'm a battle-tested
tournament-tough warhorse mom.
453
00:19:04,940 --> 00:19:06,190
What does that mean?
454
00:19:06,190 --> 00:19:07,570
It means that I'm immune
455
00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:09,350
to getting my feelings hurt
by children,
456
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:11,610
because I have to be
as a parent.
457
00:19:11,610 --> 00:19:13,740
These are kids.
Every day is like this,
458
00:19:13,740 --> 00:19:16,240
except for the first two hours
of Mother's Day.
459
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:17,530
First two hours?
That's all you get?
460
00:19:17,530 --> 00:19:18,610
What do you do
the rest of the day?
461
00:19:18,620 --> 00:19:20,120
It's just managing
the fallout
462
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:21,370
from breakfast in bed--
463
00:19:21,370 --> 00:19:22,870
scrubbing the syrup
out of your sheets,
464
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:24,910
rinsing the coffee stains
out of your robe.
465
00:19:24,910 --> 00:19:27,080
Luckily, your children have
gotten you a brand-new robe
466
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:28,830
to replace the old new robe
they gave you for Christmas.
467
00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:31,510
Mother's Day is the dirtiest
trick the devil ever played.
468
00:19:33,170 --> 00:19:35,050
My mom says she loves it.
469
00:19:35,050 --> 00:19:37,550
Your mom is a great liar.
470
00:19:37,550 --> 00:19:39,050
Look, you've already learned
471
00:19:39,050 --> 00:19:40,840
the biggest lesson
of parenting:
472
00:19:40,850 --> 00:19:43,390
when you feel left out,
you gotta shut up and limp off
473
00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:45,140
because their feelings
come first.
474
00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:47,430
Besides, it's not so bad.
475
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:48,860
And they always
come back to you.
476
00:19:48,860 --> 00:19:50,570
Sometimes sooner than you want.
477
00:19:50,570 --> 00:19:52,200
Hello!
478
00:19:52,190 --> 00:19:54,530
- Mom, we had the best time.
- Oh, good.
479
00:19:54,530 --> 00:19:56,320
The bug squishing dance
had a lot of steps
480
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:57,740
to keep track of,
so Grace taught me
481
00:19:57,740 --> 00:19:59,870
some swing moves that
she learned from Trey.
482
00:19:59,870 --> 00:20:01,160
Bravo, Trey.
483
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,290
Yeah, you know,
I picked it up at prep school
484
00:20:03,290 --> 00:20:04,790
for the Friday night socials
485
00:20:04,790 --> 00:20:06,330
we had with the girls' school
across the lake.
486
00:20:06,330 --> 00:20:07,710
Mm, how lovely.
487
00:20:07,710 --> 00:20:10,130
As a public school kid,
every other Tuesday,
488
00:20:10,130 --> 00:20:13,340
I would get beaten senseless
by the McGrath twins.
489
00:20:13,340 --> 00:20:15,760
Bob held and Betsy punched.
490
00:20:17,180 --> 00:20:18,640
Hey, hey, hey!
491
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:21,060
New record in the books.
Fourth place!
492
00:20:21,050 --> 00:20:23,180
Whoa! Whoa!
493
00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:24,310
That's my boy.
494
00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:25,900
I never did better than tenth.
495
00:20:25,890 --> 00:20:28,020
Evolution in action.
496
00:20:28,020 --> 00:20:29,940
It was fun, Jimmy.
497
00:20:29,940 --> 00:20:31,360
But I got a cab waiting.
498
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,570
Found a cabbie who didn't
know my reputation.
499
00:20:33,570 --> 00:20:36,570
Until the next
Kearney family fiasco!
500
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,780
Uh, kids, I will plan on
you ignoring my calls and texts
501
00:20:40,780 --> 00:20:42,410
until you need something.
Love you.
502
00:20:42,410 --> 00:20:44,290
- Love you.
- You're the best.
503
00:20:44,290 --> 00:20:47,000
- Thank you.
- They were talking to me.
504
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,880
I didn't hear 'em say "Dad."
505
00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:52,790
Jimmy, you want
some ice cream?
506
00:20:52,790 --> 00:20:55,040
- Always.
- Chocolate or strawberry?
507
00:20:55,050 --> 00:20:56,300
Uh, strawberry.
508
00:20:56,300 --> 00:20:57,720
Chocolate.
509
00:20:57,720 --> 00:20:59,720
{\an8}- Strawberry.
- Fine, strawberry.
510
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:01,510
{\an8}You only have three more wins
in your account.
511
00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:06,640
{\an8}Man, why are girls so smart?
512
00:21:08,810 --> 00:21:12,110
{\an8}Oh, and Trey, thanks for
the pep talk before the Derby.
513
00:21:12,110 --> 00:21:13,400
{\an8}It helped a lot.
514
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,030
{\an8}You're gonna be
a great stepdad.
515
00:21:17,530 --> 00:21:20,240
{\an8}Are you welling up?
516
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:22,410
{\an8}I can't look at you yet.
517
00:21:23,990 --> 00:21:25,490
{\an8}Come here.
38335
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