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1
00:00:06,867 --> 00:00:09,550
"More Crap"
2
00:00:09,750 --> 00:00:13,202
I'm going down to South Park,gonna have myself a time,
3
00:00:13,237 --> 00:00:16,461
Friendly faces everywhere,humble folks without temptation,
4
00:00:16,492 --> 00:00:19,804
I'm goin out to South Park,gonna leave my woes behind,
5
00:00:19,820 --> 00:00:23,151
Ample parking day or night,people spouting howdy neighbor,
6
00:00:23,183 --> 00:00:26,264
I'm heading out to South Park,gonna see if I can't unwind,
7
00:00:26,373 --> 00:00:29,882
I like girls with big fat titties,I like girls with really big fat titties,
8
00:00:29,917 --> 00:00:32,651
So come on down to South Parkand meet some friends of mine,
9
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:42,537
Well, there's no doubt
in my mind, Mr. Marsh.
10
00:00:42,572 --> 00:00:44,051
You are constipated.
11
00:00:44,526 --> 00:00:46,190
Thanks
for the news flash!
12
00:00:46,365 --> 00:00:48,498
I haven't taken a crap
in over three weeks!
13
00:00:48,533 --> 00:00:49,789
The question is why?
14
00:00:50,290 --> 00:00:54,786
- Well, what food have you been eating?
- P.F. Chang's, mostly. Good stuff.
15
00:00:55,494 --> 00:00:57,344
I'm going
to prescribe a laxative.
16
00:00:58,522 --> 00:00:59,496
But I must warn you:
17
00:00:59,531 --> 00:01:03,766
When you do finally pass this stool,
it might be very painful.
18
00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:06,564
How painful is "painful"?
19
00:01:18,043 --> 00:01:19,830
Oh God.
Oh, here it comes.
20
00:01:22,821 --> 00:01:26,645
Whoa, hot! Hot, hot!
Whoa, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!
21
00:01:38,103 --> 00:01:40,657
Oh, it's over.
It's over.
22
00:01:41,530 --> 00:01:44,440
Oh God.
I feel so much better.
23
00:01:51,003 --> 00:01:51,886
Wow.
24
00:01:53,152 --> 00:01:55,258
That is huge.
25
00:01:56,852 --> 00:01:59,692
That has got to be the biggest crap
I've ever taken.
26
00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:05,624
Hey, hey, Sharon.
Sharon, you gotta come see this.
27
00:02:06,513 --> 00:02:07,379
Sha-Sharon?
28
00:02:08,373 --> 00:02:10,853
What is it, Randy? Do you have any--
Oh, Randy!
29
00:02:11,102 --> 00:02:11,968
Will you look at that?
30
00:02:12,003 --> 00:02:14,104
Is that the biggest crap
you've ever seen or what?
31
00:02:14,423 --> 00:02:18,098
- Flush the toilet for Christ's sake!
- Come on! That's pretty impressive.
32
00:02:18,453 --> 00:02:21,880
- Hey Stan! Stan, look at this.
- Randy!
33
00:02:22,243 --> 00:02:24,951
- Look what your old man made.
- No way!
34
00:02:24,986 --> 00:02:26,818
Huh? Never seen one
that big, have you?
35
00:02:26,853 --> 00:02:27,971
No, never.
36
00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:29,758
Gross, Dad, sick!
37
00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:31,756
All right, will you
flush the toilet now?
38
00:02:32,413 --> 00:02:33,860
I'll try,
but I don't think...
39
00:02:34,612 --> 00:02:37,072
W-Wait a minute.
I gotta call Jimbo first.
40
00:02:37,444 --> 00:02:38,288
Why?
41
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:39,563
He's gotta see this.
42
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:41,754
No, we are flushing
the toilet right now--
43
00:02:41,789 --> 00:02:42,367
No!
44
00:02:42,503 --> 00:02:43,344
Jimbo has to see it
45
00:02:43,405 --> 00:02:44,841
so when I tell the guys
how big it was,
46
00:02:44,893 --> 00:02:46,096
they'll know
I'm not lying!
47
00:02:46,930 --> 00:02:50,293
- Oh, for the love of God, Randy!
- Sharon, this is important.
48
00:02:50,683 --> 00:02:52,682
Stan, go call your Uncle Jimbo.
I'm gonna stand guard.
49
00:02:58,471 --> 00:03:01,076
- Hey, guys!
- Hey, Randy.
50
00:03:01,231 --> 00:03:04,130
- Are you feeling better?
- Yeah, I'm totally fine now.
51
00:03:04,610 --> 00:03:07,341
You guys shoulda seen the crap
Randy took last night.
52
00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:09,385
It was honestly,
the biggest crap
53
00:03:09,445 --> 00:03:11,744
anyone has ever taken.
Ever.
54
00:03:11,981 --> 00:03:13,350
Well I don't know
about ever...
55
00:03:13,553 --> 00:03:16,453
I'm telling you this thing was
the size of a freaking football.
56
00:03:16,793 --> 00:03:18,507
I guess
it was pretty big.
57
00:03:18,593 --> 00:03:21,996
- A football? That's amazing.
- I've never heard of one that big.
58
00:03:22,190 --> 00:03:25,465
Oh, my brother took a crap once,
that was enormous.
59
00:03:25,470 --> 00:03:28,267
It was the biggest in the history
of the world, I think.
60
00:03:31,422 --> 00:03:32,805
It wasn't bigger
than mine was.
61
00:03:33,542 --> 00:03:36,029
Oh no, seriously,
this crap was a monster.
62
00:03:38,900 --> 00:03:40,619
Mine...
Mine was bigger.
63
00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:42,300
I doubt it.
64
00:03:44,211 --> 00:03:44,986
You wanna see it?
65
00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:55,003
Oh my freaking Lord.
66
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:58,139
That did not seriously
come out of your ass.
67
00:03:58,174 --> 00:03:59,407
Oh yes, it did.
68
00:03:59,463 --> 00:04:01,567
Go ahead and check it for splits.
It's one solid piece.
69
00:04:01,922 --> 00:04:02,719
Jesus...
70
00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:05,686
That uh, a little bigger than
your brother's there, Gerald?
71
00:04:05,891 --> 00:04:08,647
It's... other-worldly.
72
00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:10,571
Randy, have you called
the people
73
00:04:10,606 --> 00:04:12,352
from Guinness Book of
World Records? I mean...
74
00:04:12,590 --> 00:04:15,202
this might seriously be
the biggest crap in history.
75
00:04:15,633 --> 00:04:17,861
That's why I gotta make sure
to keep it safe.
76
00:04:20,762 --> 00:04:23,368
- Randy Marsh!
- Aw, crap!
77
00:04:23,812 --> 00:04:26,437
What the hell do you think you're doing
keeping that thing in our house?
78
00:04:26,751 --> 00:04:29,124
The guys agree, Sharon:
It could be a record holder.
79
00:04:29,272 --> 00:04:32,545
Why are men so obsessed with
how big their crap is?
80
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:38,411
Guinness World Records America.
How can I help you?
81
00:04:40,362 --> 00:04:42,105
The biggest crap?
82
00:04:43,092 --> 00:04:46,460
We actually don't
keep track of that record, sir.
83
00:04:47,481 --> 00:04:49,495
Because we don't want to.
84
00:04:50,383 --> 00:04:52,827
Look, we get calls
from men all the time
85
00:04:52,862 --> 00:04:54,667
who believe they took
the biggest crap
86
00:04:54,672 --> 00:04:58,034
and we simply can't handle
all the measuring and verification.
87
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,595
You need to call the
European Fecal Standards
88
00:05:00,630 --> 00:05:02,290
and Measurements Office
in Zurich.
89
00:05:03,272 --> 00:05:06,767
You're welcome.
Jeez, another one.
90
00:05:08,970 --> 00:05:10,615
Guinness World Records
America.
91
00:05:10,782 --> 00:05:13,266
Yes, hello.
My name is Randy Marsh
92
00:05:13,301 --> 00:05:15,997
and I believe I took
the world's biggest crap.
93
00:05:19,250 --> 00:05:21,755
You need to call the
European Fecal Standards
94
00:05:21,790 --> 00:05:23,576
and Measurements Office
in Zurich.
95
00:05:23,673 --> 00:05:26,037
Their number is listed
on their website.
96
00:05:32,401 --> 00:05:33,910
Herr President,
take a look at this.
97
00:05:34,177 --> 00:05:36,446
It is a crap sent to us
from the United States.
98
00:05:37,033 --> 00:05:38,252
Very nice.
99
00:05:39,230 --> 00:05:40,774
Has it been checked
for accuracy?
100
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,635
It appears to be legitimate,
based on the photo.
101
00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:47,249
We estimate that the crap
is over eight and a half Courics!
102
00:05:49,193 --> 00:05:51,637
We'd better get on a plane.
Right away.
103
00:05:56,811 --> 00:05:58,031
Hm, enshnusen?
104
00:05:58,651 --> 00:06:00,520
Verron snusunarich.
105
00:06:02,630 --> 00:06:06,469
What was your primary diet
for this poo, Mr. Marsh?
106
00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:09,881
Mostly P.F. Chang's.
General Tsao's Chicken.
107
00:06:10,210 --> 00:06:13,576
And a lot of Aunt Jemima's Frozen
Sausage Biscuits in the mornings.
108
00:06:14,021 --> 00:06:16,787
I believe I detect
some cabbage as well?
109
00:06:16,822 --> 00:06:18,441
Oh yes,
I had a lot of kim chee.
110
00:06:19,271 --> 00:06:21,737
You have got
to be kidding me.
111
00:06:22,081 --> 00:06:25,290
These guys are from Zurich, Sharon!
They're Europeans!
112
00:06:25,491 --> 00:06:30,440
- It is a tremendous crap, Mr. Marsh.
- For the love of God!
113
00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:35,240
Your crap officially weighs
8.6 Courics.
114
00:06:35,611 --> 00:06:36,608
Courics?
115
00:06:37,061 --> 00:06:39,359
The standard measuring unit
for human feces.
116
00:06:39,591 --> 00:06:43,202
One Katie Couric is approximately
two and a half pounds of excrement.
117
00:06:43,410 --> 00:06:47,114
The current record is a crap
weighing 7.5 Courics.
118
00:06:48,062 --> 00:06:50,194
- But that means...
- That's right.
119
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,679
- You are the new world's champion!
- Really?
120
00:06:54,131 --> 00:06:56,000
You mean, really?
121
00:06:58,522 --> 00:07:02,403
Hey, Stan! Hey, Sharon!
Hey, everybody!
122
00:07:03,353 --> 00:07:06,218
Well, I guess we'd better call
the old champion
123
00:07:06,221 --> 00:07:09,636
and let him know his record
has just been broken.
124
00:07:11,012 --> 00:07:14,878
He has won twenty-two Grammy's,
countless humanitarian awards...
125
00:07:14,882 --> 00:07:16,518
and is the only person ever
126
00:07:16,576 --> 00:07:19,886
to be nominated for an Academy Award,
a Golden Globe...
127
00:07:19,891 --> 00:07:24,048
and the Nobel Peace Prize.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bono!
128
00:07:28,941 --> 00:07:32,487
Thank you. Thank you so much for
this newest award, it means so much.
129
00:07:34,911 --> 00:07:37,293
Oh, excuse me. I must be
getting another award.
130
00:07:38,231 --> 00:07:39,866
- Yes?
- Yes, Bono.
131
00:07:39,872 --> 00:07:41,167
Sir, we wish to inform you
132
00:07:41,202 --> 00:07:44,830
that your record for biggest crap
has just been broken.
133
00:07:45,823 --> 00:07:48,743
What? That's impossible!
How big was it?
134
00:07:57,681 --> 00:08:00,615
We are here to honor
the first American...
135
00:08:00,650 --> 00:08:03,752
to bring home
the distinguished EFSM medal
136
00:08:03,787 --> 00:08:05,633
for biggest crap ever taken.
137
00:08:08,153 --> 00:08:11,951
Hey look, Sharon, it's the President!
Hey, hey, Sharon!
138
00:08:13,003 --> 00:08:18,293
To present the award I give you
the dean of the EFSM, Sir Orloff Broloff.
139
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:25,527
Thank you, Senator.
For over a hundred years now,
140
00:08:25,562 --> 00:08:27,646
the European Fecal Standards
and Meas--
141
00:08:27,652 --> 00:08:29,355
Herr Broloff!
Herr Broloff!
142
00:08:31,533 --> 00:08:32,638
Das shpoitenhoff?
143
00:08:32,701 --> 00:08:34,127
Ah ladies and gentlemen,
144
00:08:34,142 --> 00:08:35,577
I understand
we have just received
145
00:08:35,648 --> 00:08:39,012
a special video-taped
announcement from Bono.
146
00:08:40,161 --> 00:08:41,849
Bono? Cool!
147
00:08:41,951 --> 00:08:44,478
Could we play the tape
on the big screen, please?
148
00:08:46,002 --> 00:08:49,117
Hello everyone!
I am Bono.
149
00:08:59,142 --> 00:09:03,636
For years, it has been my honor to try
and bring focus to the needs in Africa.
150
00:09:03,700 --> 00:09:06,790
And today,
I have very exciting news.
151
00:09:06,822 --> 00:09:12,723
Last night, at twenty past eight, I took
a crap weighing nine and a half Courics.
152
00:09:15,451 --> 00:09:16,438
Bono?
153
00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:21,739
As you can see, it is one solid piece.
It is my biggest crap to date.
154
00:09:22,011 --> 00:09:26,336
And I swear to its authenticity.
Thank you, and God bless.
155
00:09:32,343 --> 00:09:33,955
You heard it,
ladies and gentlemen!
156
00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:37,359
The official biggest crap
is 9.5 Courics!
157
00:09:37,402 --> 00:09:39,288
Congratulations to Bono!
158
00:09:58,810 --> 00:10:02,380
Dad, um... I think
dinner's almost ready.
159
00:10:02,681 --> 00:10:04,385
I almost did it.
160
00:10:05,411 --> 00:10:07,300
I almost made
something of myself.
161
00:10:08,713 --> 00:10:10,477
You know,
when you get real close,
162
00:10:10,688 --> 00:10:13,188
you start to think that maybe
your life is gonna matter.
163
00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:19,311
I mean, this was
something I made!
164
00:10:19,943 --> 00:10:24,166
Something that came from me!
That was a a part of me!
165
00:10:25,070 --> 00:10:27,738
The only thing I ever made
that was any good.
166
00:10:31,001 --> 00:10:34,011
- Gee, thanks a lot, Dad.
- You're welcome.
167
00:10:34,082 --> 00:10:34,956
And I just...
168
00:10:35,273 --> 00:10:36,911
I know that
this late in my life,
169
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:40,633
I'll never come so close
to finally having meaning.
170
00:10:42,251 --> 00:10:43,837
Come on, guys.
Lasagna's ready.
171
00:10:45,636 --> 00:10:47,872
Oh. Lasagna's ready.
172
00:10:48,765 --> 00:10:52,837
You hear that, Stan?
Mom says lasagna is ready.
173
00:10:53,180 --> 00:10:55,883
I can see through
your sarcasm, Sharon!
174
00:10:56,664 --> 00:10:59,605
- What are you talking about?
- You can say it, Sharon!
175
00:10:59,861 --> 00:11:01,814
I know
Bono's better than me!
176
00:11:02,422 --> 00:11:04,514
I'm sorry I'm not Bono,
all right?
177
00:11:04,850 --> 00:11:06,657
Sorry that I don't have
billions of dollars
178
00:11:06,692 --> 00:11:08,552
and a Nobel prize nomination!
179
00:11:08,961 --> 00:11:12,907
- Randy, this is ridiculous.
- Oh, that's real mature, Sharon!
180
00:11:13,162 --> 00:11:16,884
Just act like everything's funny!
It's a big joke to you, isn't it?
181
00:11:17,060 --> 00:11:19,954
Just a big joke!
Don't touch me!
182
00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:23,082
Can you believe him?
183
00:11:23,616 --> 00:11:26,178
All this over what guy
took the biggest crap.
184
00:11:26,783 --> 00:11:29,681
You don't understand, Mom.
You just don't understand.
185
00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:32,842
Wha? Wha?
186
00:11:41,231 --> 00:11:45,011
How come they just let that Bono guy
send a picture of his crap?
187
00:11:45,140 --> 00:11:46,953
Because he's Bono,
that's why.
188
00:11:47,062 --> 00:11:49,279
But he could have faked it.
It isn't fair!
189
00:11:49,489 --> 00:11:53,173
Doesn't matter. He's got the record now,
there's nothing I can do.
190
00:11:54,509 --> 00:11:57,399
Oh yes there is!
You could do it again.
191
00:11:57,730 --> 00:11:58,335
What?
192
00:11:58,371 --> 00:12:02,329
Think about it. You weren't even trying
to take the biggest crap last time.
193
00:12:02,580 --> 00:12:04,838
Imagine if you actually
worked at it!
194
00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:06,855
Hey. Hey that's right.
195
00:12:07,692 --> 00:12:11,168
No. I can't go through all that again.
It's too much.
196
00:12:11,552 --> 00:12:12,811
Come on, Randy.
197
00:12:12,846 --> 00:12:14,946
I'll bet you can crap
that big again easy!
198
00:12:15,251 --> 00:12:18,435
With the right diet and training,
who knows what you're capable of?
199
00:12:18,461 --> 00:12:20,474
Guys, forget it!
It's over!
200
00:12:20,509 --> 00:12:23,526
It was a fluke crap.
I'll never take one that big again!
201
00:12:24,541 --> 00:12:28,194
Is it over, Randy?
We all saw that crap you took!
202
00:12:28,391 --> 00:12:29,689
That was no fluke!
203
00:12:30,241 --> 00:12:33,600
There's something inside you
that made you able to do it!
204
00:12:34,072 --> 00:12:38,417
Randy, you have a gift. Now who knows
why God chose you, but he did!
205
00:12:38,819 --> 00:12:42,865
And if you walk away now,
you'll always wonder...
206
00:12:43,421 --> 00:12:45,463
how big a crap
you could have taken.
207
00:12:47,781 --> 00:12:51,746
- I would need a lot of help.
- That's what we're here for.
208
00:12:51,930 --> 00:12:53,426
Come on, Randy,
what do you say?
209
00:12:54,722 --> 00:12:55,822
I say...
210
00:12:57,639 --> 00:12:59,747
Let's give Bono
a run for his money!
211
00:13:07,799 --> 00:13:10,316
This is CNN Headline News.
212
00:13:10,359 --> 00:13:12,844
Tonight, a possible attack
on Iran...
213
00:13:13,032 --> 00:13:15,884
may mean the beginning
of a new war in the Middle East.
214
00:13:16,399 --> 00:13:17,619
Oh no.
215
00:13:17,781 --> 00:13:22,279
But first, the record for the world's
biggest crap, will it again be broken?
216
00:13:23,291 --> 00:13:25,493
Randy Marsh of Colorado
is now three weeks
217
00:13:25,528 --> 00:13:27,404
into his quest
to make a new crap.
218
00:13:27,439 --> 00:13:30,499
Spending nearly every waking hour
at P.F. Chang's.
219
00:13:31,541 --> 00:13:33,271
Is this really newsworthy?
220
00:13:33,882 --> 00:13:35,675
You just don't understand.
221
00:13:36,279 --> 00:13:37,834
You're right.
I don't.
222
00:13:37,962 --> 00:13:40,077
At the same time,
some people are questioning
223
00:13:40,112 --> 00:13:41,522
Bono's current record entry,
224
00:13:41,599 --> 00:13:44,062
saying nobody
has ever seen it in person.
225
00:13:44,431 --> 00:13:45,888
Bono could not be reached
for comment
226
00:13:45,976 --> 00:13:48,280
as he is currently in Africa
helping the needy.
227
00:13:55,580 --> 00:13:57,587
Hello, hello.
228
00:13:58,340 --> 00:14:00,871
Marsh is attempting
to break the record again.
229
00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,232
We thought
you should know.
230
00:14:02,900 --> 00:14:05,018
He can't beat my nine
and a half Courics!
231
00:14:05,454 --> 00:14:07,032
Well, he's going to try.
232
00:14:07,542 --> 00:14:11,610
Fine, but he has to take the crap
in front of you! In Zurich.
233
00:14:12,072 --> 00:14:14,626
Bono, we've never had
that rule before.
234
00:14:14,870 --> 00:14:16,728
I's the only way you can know
he's not cheating.
235
00:14:17,069 --> 00:14:19,351
If he doesn't crap in Zurich,
it shouldn't count!
236
00:14:22,969 --> 00:14:24,730
Ultrasound
is very simple, Mr. Marsh.
237
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:26,883
We're going to use harmless waves
to look inside your belly.
238
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,460
Just gonna put some warm gel
on your stomach first.
239
00:14:31,302 --> 00:14:32,529
Okay, take a deep breath.
240
00:14:34,012 --> 00:14:35,581
I see the crap now.
241
00:14:35,616 --> 00:14:38,622
I can't say for sure,
but I, I'd say it's about...
242
00:14:39,381 --> 00:14:42,213
- 14 Courics.
- Fourteen?!
243
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:44,766
- That's great, Randy!
- Can--Can I see it?
244
00:14:44,849 --> 00:14:47,689
Sure. This is your colon,
and in here,
245
00:14:47,769 --> 00:14:50,107
is the feces growing
inside your belly.
246
00:15:05,129 --> 00:15:06,596
Guys, we have a problem!
247
00:15:06,631 --> 00:15:10,139
I talked to the EFSM and they say
Randy has to take the crap in Zurich.
248
00:15:10,739 --> 00:15:11,726
In Zurich?
249
00:15:11,860 --> 00:15:14,616
They say Bono is demanding it
and that their hands are tied.
250
00:15:14,722 --> 00:15:15,715
I'm sorry Mr. Marsh.
251
00:15:15,765 --> 00:15:18,786
I-I cannot condone you traveling
on an airplane in your condition.
252
00:15:19,071 --> 00:15:21,698
It is never safe to fly during
your turd trimester.
253
00:15:28,482 --> 00:15:30,661
Hi, could I speak with
Mr. Bono, please?
254
00:15:31,369 --> 00:15:33,947
Mr. Bono, you have a
young gentleman caller.
255
00:15:38,761 --> 00:15:41,101
Get the jet ready, Bovis!
I've got to be going.
256
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:43,972
Hi, my name is Stan Marsh.
257
00:15:44,007 --> 00:15:46,230
My dad's trying to beat
your record for biggest crap.
258
00:15:46,262 --> 00:15:49,401
Oh right. He can't make it
to Zurich, right?
259
00:15:49,436 --> 00:15:50,752
That's kind of
what I'm here for.
260
00:15:50,787 --> 00:15:53,211
Do you really need
the biggest crap record?
261
00:15:53,219 --> 00:15:56,042
Could you maybe see your way to just
letting my dad have this one?
262
00:15:57,220 --> 00:15:59,755
Let him have it?
Why would I do that?
263
00:16:00,111 --> 00:16:01,817
Look, you gotta understand, sir.
264
00:16:01,852 --> 00:16:04,910
My dad's never won
an award for anything. Ever.
265
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:06,880
He doesn't have
one single trophy.
266
00:16:07,201 --> 00:16:09,036
I mean, even I have
a second-place trophy
267
00:16:09,071 --> 00:16:11,053
for most Sports Illustrated
subscriptions sold.
268
00:16:12,161 --> 00:16:14,153
I have the first-place trophy
for that.
269
00:16:16,009 --> 00:16:17,986
Dude, don't you have enough?
I mean...
270
00:16:18,150 --> 00:16:19,548
you got tons of money,
a jet,
271
00:16:19,583 --> 00:16:21,925
and the biggest rock band in
the world, a hot wife and...
272
00:16:21,931 --> 00:16:24,204
You've been knighted.
I mean, at some point,
273
00:16:24,239 --> 00:16:26,000
can't you just kind of...
fuck off?
274
00:16:26,709 --> 00:16:29,914
I want people to know that I'm worth
something. That I matter.
275
00:16:30,321 --> 00:16:32,635
All I'm asking is that
maybe with this one thing,
276
00:16:32,670 --> 00:16:34,380
let my dad be
number one.
277
00:16:34,431 --> 00:16:35,915
And you can still be
number 2.
278
00:16:37,100 --> 00:16:40,179
Number two?
Number two?!
279
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,802
Nobody calls me that anymore
and gets away with it!
280
00:16:44,129 --> 00:16:48,064
- Take it back! Take it back!
- I take it back!
281
00:16:48,122 --> 00:16:50,444
- Say I'm not number two!
- You're not number two!
282
00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:52,794
That's right! I'm not!
283
00:16:57,939 --> 00:16:59,327
What is wrong
with that guy?
284
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:03,020
Your father is in grave danger.
Come with me!
285
00:17:20,904 --> 00:17:23,192
It must be quite a crap.
286
00:17:23,612 --> 00:17:25,915
Come on, Randy.
You have to push!
287
00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:32,679
What are you saying?
288
00:17:32,730 --> 00:17:34,259
How do you know
my dad is gonna die?
289
00:17:34,397 --> 00:17:37,319
Because nobody has ever taken
a crap that big before.
290
00:17:37,605 --> 00:17:39,406
So Bono's newest record
is a lie!
291
00:17:39,668 --> 00:17:41,775
Look, I first knew
something was wrong
292
00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:44,612
when I looked at Bono's
first award for biggest crap.
293
00:17:44,765 --> 00:17:47,935
- It said he took it in 1960.
- So?
294
00:17:48,108 --> 00:17:52,551
So that's the year Bono was born.
Then it all made sense to me.
295
00:17:52,988 --> 00:17:57,321
How could Bono be so talented, so caring
and yet seem like such a piece of crap?
296
00:17:57,898 --> 00:17:59,873
Because he is crap.
297
00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:03,437
Don't you get it?
Bono is not the record holder...
298
00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:08,054
- He's the record.
- Yes.
299
00:18:13,396 --> 00:18:16,203
I can't do it!
I can't do it!
300
00:18:16,218 --> 00:18:20,027
The crap is simply too big, Mr. Marsh.
We must perform a Caesarean!
301
00:18:20,787 --> 00:18:23,771
- But then, does it still count?
- Oh, no!
302
00:18:23,955 --> 00:18:26,701
A biggest crap means
you crapped it out!
303
00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:28,543
I believe that's true.
304
00:18:28,795 --> 00:18:32,928
We are sorry, Mr. Marsh,
but if you cannot crap out the crap...
305
00:18:33,116 --> 00:18:34,793
It's not really a crap.
306
00:18:35,968 --> 00:18:38,850
No... No.
307
00:18:39,265 --> 00:18:42,720
There there, Randy.
You gave it your best shot.
308
00:18:42,787 --> 00:18:45,892
I want my wife.
Sharon? Sharon?
309
00:18:46,957 --> 00:18:49,336
- What?
- I'm sorry, Sharon.
310
00:18:50,017 --> 00:18:54,521
I'm sorry that I let you down.
I'm sorry I can't crap like Bono.
311
00:18:55,476 --> 00:18:59,467
Well congratulations, Bono,
it appears your record is intact.
312
00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:02,429
- I had a feeling it would be.
- Wait! Stop!
313
00:19:03,147 --> 00:19:04,818
Dad, your old crap counts.
314
00:19:04,887 --> 00:19:06,831
Bono never took a second crap
to beat yours.
315
00:19:07,936 --> 00:19:09,109
Get him out of here!
316
00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:11,509
What are you talking about,
young man?
317
00:19:11,627 --> 00:19:13,260
Somebody's been keeping it
a secret.
318
00:19:13,295 --> 00:19:16,420
Bono was never the record holder!
He's the record.
319
00:19:18,036 --> 00:19:21,640
It's not true! Kill the kid!
I want him dead!
320
00:19:22,436 --> 00:19:26,739
It's too late, Bono.
The boy has learned the truth.
321
00:19:26,837 --> 00:19:29,728
Herr Broloff,
what do you know of this?
322
00:19:29,763 --> 00:19:31,347
It's true, I'm afraid.
323
00:19:31,737 --> 00:19:34,398
You see, until Mr. Marsh
came along,
324
00:19:34,433 --> 00:19:37,088
I was the record holder
for the biggest crap.
325
00:19:37,347 --> 00:19:39,419
I took it back in 1960.
326
00:19:39,891 --> 00:19:42,060
It was the most amazing crap
I'd ever taken.
327
00:19:42,338 --> 00:19:44,758
Poppa, no!
Say nothing more!
328
00:19:45,666 --> 00:19:48,389
Come to me,
my darling precious child.
329
00:19:54,386 --> 00:19:57,249
After I had broken the record,
I took the crap home.
330
00:19:57,715 --> 00:20:00,701
I was so proud of it
that I decided to keep it,
331
00:20:00,922 --> 00:20:03,068
to try and raise it
like a child.
332
00:20:03,175 --> 00:20:07,654
- No, poppa. No, poppa.
- There there, my little crap.
333
00:20:07,917 --> 00:20:11,318
Don't cry.
Here, do you want the biddy?
334
00:20:12,567 --> 00:20:13,865
Does Bono want the biddy?
335
00:20:16,628 --> 00:20:18,543
Yes, he likes the biddy,
doesn't he?
336
00:20:20,006 --> 00:20:20,865
Dude.
337
00:20:21,115 --> 00:20:24,627
I kept the crap in my office,
nursed it, fed it biddy.
338
00:20:25,045 --> 00:20:28,460
And soon, biddy made him strong.
Biddy made him grow up!
339
00:20:28,766 --> 00:20:31,577
Into one of the most
influential figures of our time.
340
00:20:31,612 --> 00:20:33,482
Easy Bono,
that hurts the biddy.
341
00:20:34,325 --> 00:20:35,270
Biddy.
342
00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:39,394
My little crap has accomplished
many things.
343
00:20:39,577 --> 00:20:43,524
But he could never shed the fact
that he was really a number two.
344
00:20:44,025 --> 00:20:47,556
So he spent his life trying
to be number one, in everything.
345
00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:51,079
That's why he's able to do so much,
try to help so many people...
346
00:20:51,307 --> 00:20:52,914
but still seem like
such a piece of shit.
347
00:20:53,815 --> 00:20:56,793
You have blemished this noble society's
good name, Herr Broloff.
348
00:20:56,905 --> 00:20:57,759
Have I?
349
00:20:58,168 --> 00:21:00,307
Look at the crap I took
all those years ago!
350
00:21:00,578 --> 00:21:04,252
Bono is now almost six feet tall
and over 80 Courics in weight!
351
00:21:04,786 --> 00:21:07,894
No matter how you look at it,
he is still the record!
352
00:21:08,806 --> 00:21:12,202
Oh God, here it comes!
Oh, hot, hot, hot, hot!
353
00:21:12,238 --> 00:21:15,462
Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!
Hot! Hot!
354
00:21:21,747 --> 00:21:25,341
- My God...
- It must be over a hundred Courics!
355
00:21:26,177 --> 00:21:28,130
- Dad, are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm...
356
00:21:28,785 --> 00:21:31,262
No, I'm good!
Feel a lot better.
357
00:21:31,675 --> 00:21:35,024
Mr. Marsh, we apologize
and if it's okay with you...
358
00:21:35,488 --> 00:21:39,280
We would like to present you...
your long overdue trophy.28880
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