All language subtitles for The Real ONeals s02e13 The Real Confirmation.eng

Kenny: Friday dinner out is a tradition

my parents never believed in.

But Shannon's finally
getting confirmed on Sunday,

which means my mom has
set the dining-room table

and the kitchen is off-limits.

Now, I know I told you

that your Confirmation
could be on your terms,

but I have decided that
your wardrobe is still up to me.

Please don't make me wear some
little-girl dress that I hate.

Oh, but it's adorable!

And I got matching pocket
squares for your brothers.

Mm, I'm gonna need to see swatches,

but you have my attention.

I would like to dress myself.

Really?

Actually, no, I trust you.

I just want us all to look perfect...

all of us sitting there
as a family in the front pew.

That is the last thing
I ask of you people.

Okay, if you promise I have

total control over everything else.

Okay, fine. Yes. I promise.

Great, because I fired
Uncle Brendan as my godfather.

What?

But he's your Confirmation sponsor.

He's also a dud.

Hey. My brother's not a dud.

- He lives off the grid.
- In a yurt.

His best friend is a wolf.

Okay, he's a dud.

But I was arguing for him.

I just don't feel comfortable
saddling Aunt Jodi

with a godpartner
who's so far beneath her...

or me, so I fired him.

You can't fire a godparent.

That's true.

He received his emotional severance
in Bitcoin, as requested.

Besides, I already have someone
in mind to take his place.

Okay. Honey, we've talked about this.

Alan Greenspan is not gonna
answer your e-mails.

That is the hottest woman
I've ever seen.

[Gasps] Oh, my God! That's not a woman!

- That's our old babysitter!
- Yeah, it's Heather!

- Oh!
- [Laughing] Hey!

Oh, hi, Heather. Nice to see you.

Yeah. When...
When'd you get back into town?

Last week. Finally finished my PhD.

- Oh!
- Congrats.

Thanks. Hey, Jimmy.

[Chuckles] It's "James," now.
Has been for a while.

This pizza is tre formaggi.

- Care for a slice?
- Careful. It's hot.

Ohh! Ow! Balls on fire!

[High-pitched] Balls on fire!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Mm.

Do you plan on putting the food
out a day early, too?

Mm, I thought about it,
but this isn't France,

so the eggs stay in the fridge
where they belong.

Okay. I have an idea

that would make Shannon's
Confirmation even better.

Is it those top hats
that say "Confirmaniac"?

'Cause the party store ran out.

- No.
- Oh.

Brett as my date
to Shannon's Confirmation.

Not happening.

Let me guess... You still can't handle

the fact that I have a boyfriend.

That's not what this is about.

This is about Brett not
belonging in the front pew.

That's for family.

Aunt Jodi always gets to bring
a date to these things.

Not this time.

Need I remind you of the fortune
in photoshopping it cost

to replace all of her bad dates
with a Ficus

in past Confirmation photos?

Okay. What about VP Murray?
Aren't you bringing him?

No, I'm not.

You know, we're seeing
each other, and that's nice,

but he doesn't belong
in the family pew yet.

Things are a lot more complicated

than they were when
you got confirmed, okay,

and your sister's already
given me enough of a hard time,

so this conversation's over.

I'll tell you what's over...

symmetry of this table.

[Laughs]

No.

[Sighs]

I know the last time you saw me

I was 12 and 2 months and 4 days,

but I shave now... everywhere.

[Laughs]

So, you built all this?

Sure did. Okay. Wait for it...

[Creaking]

And voil?!

It's pretty cool, right?

I knew some guys at Northwestern
that would have loved this.

- Northwestern?
- Yeah.

That's cool. I party there.

- You do?
- Yeah.

- That's very mature of you.
- I'm very mature.

Other mature things I do

are not chase the pigeons in the park

and correctly pronounce the word
"Acetaminophen."

Oh, and I... I win a boatload
of wrestling trophies.

- You want to see them?
- Sure.

- Okay, I'll be right back!
- Okay.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Jimmy.

- Oh. Hey!
- Oh, hi.

Jimmy was just showing me around.

Oh. Sure is nice of him.

Yeah.

Seems like just yesterday
I was stopping him

from bringing a hair dryer
into the bathtub.

[Laughs] Well, for me
it was just yesterday.

It's really cool that you let him
build this place for himself.

Oh, this is, uh, actually my place.

Eileen and I got a divorce,

so I live here now.

I'm sorry. I-I-I didn't know.

We are very much divorced.

Yeah. Eileen's actually already
in a relationshi...

Mm.

What was that for?

For the crush I've had since I was 17.

Spoiler alert...
[Whispers] I'm not 17 anymore.

[Trophies clatter]

Jimmy. Oh, no.

And no.

So, Party Vault also didn't have
the top hats you wanted,

but they did have this.

Oh, Clive. A Jesus pi?ata?

Don't you think the poor man's
been through enough?

Well, you don't have to hit him.

You just twist the sandal
and the candy falls out.

Vice Principal Murray...

Just the man I wanted to see
in my kitchen.

I have a question for you.

Well, if it has to do with
"Star Wars" or bird calls,

I'm your man.

Well, actually, only
North American bird calls.

I-I get a little confused...

Would you be willing
to be my new godfather?

- What?!
- Wow!

Wow, wow, wowzers. So many emotions.

Um, I'm honored. I'm touched.

I'm a little dry-mouthed
for some reason.

Uh, but [clears throat] I guess it
depends on what your mom thinks.

Your mom thinks she'd like to
have a word with her daughter

in the other room.

[Snaps fingers]

[Clicks tongue]

Clive cannot be your godfather.

Okay, well,
I swear on the hidden cameras

that may or may not be
recording this conversation

that my motives are pure.

So, you're saying you're okay

with Clive being in your life forever.

Yes, I am.

But it seems like you're not.

Okay, I am not prepared to be
making this decision right now,

and I'm not gonna have

some stupid Confirmation force my hand.

And by "stupid",
I mean "big and meaningful."

So sorry to rush you.

I actually left my car on,
uh, not sure why.

So, am I in?

Yeah, Mom. Are you on board with

your long-term boyfriend,
my vice principal,

taking on such an important role
in my life?

Wow. When you put it that way,

I can't not not say no. [Chuckles]

I'm hearing a lot of double negatives,

and I'm not sure what's going on.

- You're in.
- Wow!

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go try

and return a blasphemous pi?ata
to Party Vault.

I'll stop by your office later
to work out the logistics.

Thank you for taking this chance.

I can almost promise you,
I will let you down.

She just doesn't want
the whole congregation

seeing that we're dating.

She cares more about appearances
than her own son.

Come on. The gay thing can be
really hard for some parents.

Not yours. I mean,
they're members of PFLAG.

They have a rainbow banner
outside their house.

My mom adjusted
the parental controls on our TV

to block musicals.

I think you're being a little unfair.

She's unfair.

I mean, you're an important
part of my life now,

and she needs to accept that.

And that's exactly what I told her

in a very strongly worded e-mail

that's currently in my drafts folder.

[Chuckles] Aww.

You were standing up for me?

That's really sweet.

I love you, Kenny O'Neal.

What did he just say?

Got to go. See ya.

What?

"Got to go"?

Who says "I love you"
and then "Got to go"?

My father.

Oh.

Brett said, "I love you."

[Scoffs] Heather was
about to say, "I love you,"

and now she's just gonna be saying,
"I love being your stepmom."

But it's too soon.
It's too soon for "I love you."

I mean, I really like Brett,

but I don't know if I love him yet.

And love leads to commitment,

and commitment leads to marriage,

and marriage leads to
living with one man

for the rest of your life,
which leads to...

Oh, God.

Am I settling?

- [Police siren wails]
- This program just gets better and better.

Keep your track suit on.
It's "Blue Bloods."

Again.

Yes, but it's Bogart's favorite.

Oh. Bread basket?

We can be fat now that we're in love.

You keep saying that.

[Doorbell rings, dogs barking]

Excuse me.

[Barking continues]

Hey, Kenny.

Jordin Sparks?

Jordin Sparks is at my house!

- How did you get here?
- In a jet.

Okay, so I am throwing this party,

and I thought it would be,
you know, really cool

to invite some cool young people to it,

but, I mean, I can see you're old

and in a very committed
relationship, so...

So I'm gonna sing my karaoke
duets with somebody else.

What? No, no, no.

Jordin Sparks, I have a beautiful voice.

Ohh. I mean, I think
at some point in your life,

but not anymore.

But if I'm so old,
how are you still so young?

It's 2019.

It's only been two years
since Brett said, "I love you."

Two years?

I look like this after two years?

That's what love does.

It takes your hair and your joy.

My precious bangs!

Noooooooo!

Oh, thank God.

This looks horrible.

Why don't they make invisible tape?

They do. It's called glue.

- Hm.
- [Cellphone rings]

Oh, no. It's Brett.

Hmm. What do I do?

You just answer it.

I can't! There's something wrong
with my phone!

You are terrifying
when you're in a relationship.

- So...
- Aah!

...here's why I called you
to your office.

You've reconsidered. You don't
want me to be your godfather.

That's a wise choice.

No, you're still in. Sit.

Hmm.

Here's the deal...

Everyone getting confirmed
has to write an essay

about their spiritual journey,

but Father Phil refuses to approve mine.

Too many cuss words? Did you go blue?

No. I refer to God as female.

I always had a hard time
relating to a higher power

until I realized "He" can be a "She."

And I wanted other people to know

they could see God
however they want, too,

but Father Phil
doesn't think that's kosher,

and he won't confirm me unless
I change every "She" to a "He."

So, you need to borrow some Wite-Out?

Because I have many shades.

No. I'm not changing anything.

This is my Confirmation, and it
has to mean something to me.

That is why I need you...

...to talk to Father Phil.

Me?

You have pull with him, right?

Push. Pull.

I mean, who's to say what we have.

Words cannot really describe
our relationship.

Then go talk to him and change his mind.

You can do it.

I believe in you, Godfather.

Don't be a Fredo.

What happens to Fredo?

Hey, Jimmy.

Can we talk, please?

I was just taking the garbage out.

Unless you wanted to
steal that from me, too.

Well, I do, but only because

it's leaking all over your sneakers.

[Grunts] Come on!

Here.

[Sighs]

Look, son, I obviously did not mean

to get in the way of your little crush.

It wasn't a little crush, Dad.

I was about to get Heather
in the back seat of my car,

in her bra.

[Sighs] She's too old for you.

And she's too young for me,
so let's just move on.

I can't do that, Dad.

She was my first crush,

and I always imagined
that when I was old enough

that we would run into
each other on the street

and we would go and see
"Titanic 3" together.

And then we would discuss how
much we loved it over espresso.

But now that's never gonna happen.

Our love has less
of a chance of surviving

than... than... than
the robots aboard "Titanic 3."

[Sighs]

They're never gonna make "Titanic 3."

[Sighs]

- So?
- Aah!

What did Father Phil say?

Uh, well, full disclosure...

The reason I'm in his office so much

is because he keeps
butterscotches on his desk.

I mean, the bowl is always full.

But I explained your predicament to him,

and I have some very good news.

I can get confirmed?

Yep. Yes, sirree. 100%.

I mean, your essay won't
get printed in the program,

uh, but you're totally
gonna get confirmed.

What? That sucks.

Everyone else's stupid essays
aren't about anything

while mine is actually about something.

It means a lot to me.

- You want to rehire your wolf uncle?
- [Sighs]

I can help you find him.

I have access to the dark web,
and I can speak to eagles.

I appreciate you coming back, Heather.

I know this may sound like
a weird request...

I like weird. I am all about the weird.

Okay, listen, I am very
flattered by your attention.

- Oh.
- But the reason I asked you here

was to see if there is any chance

that you would go
and grab a coffee with Jimmy.

It would really mean a lot to him.

And if a robot-boat movie
comes up, just go with it.

Would it mean a lot to you?

Yes. It would.

J-Jimmy's just such a sensitive boy,

- and it's my job...
- Aww.

Well, I've decided to forgive you.

What? Again?

No. Jimmy, it is not what it looks like!

Not yet it's not.

You need to leave. Go.

I'm calling your mother.

[Knock on door]

Brett: Kenny.

- Hey.
- Hey.

[Chuckles] Sorry. I went and
answered the back door.

Sometimes I don't know
where sound's coming from.

I've been calling you.

You have? Yeah. Sorry.

I've been helping my mom
with my sister's Confirmation.

So far we've confirmed that we
can't do a thing with her hair.

It's okay. Uh, maybe we can talk
for just a minute.

T-Totally.

But not without hot cocoa
made from scratch

with real chocolate shavings.

Okay? Wait here.

- I'll be back in 10 to 40 minutes.
- But...

But why can't I bring a date?

I think you'd really like Basil.

He has a subscription to ancestry.com.

Oh, why does everyone
want to bring a date?

It's just a young girl's Confirmation.

- It's not the prom.
- But you're bringing Clive.

Only in an official capacity
as Shannon's godfather,

not as my date.

"Shannon's godfather"?

- What happened to Brendan?
- [Draw opens]

She fired him and hired Clive.

What are you looking for?

An excuse not to talk to Brett
right now.

I didn't realize things had
gotten so serious with you two.

Both: Nothing is so serious with us two.

What is happening?

We are arranging flowers

for Shannon's Confirmation brunch, okay?

That's what's happening.

And the hydrangeas are helping
the carnations pop, okay?

[Groans]

Good God, parenting is hard.

I'm sorry. What... What did you say?

You're not a parent.

No, I said, "Good godparenting is hard."

It's hard to be a good godparent.

- And it's a big deal.
- That's what I said.

You know what? You zip it.

And, you, just emphasize
the right words.

I'm sorry. It's just...
I really need to talk to you.

Wait. That wasn't right.

- [Microwave beeping]
- I really need to talk to you.

You're in my head.

- [Microwave whirrs]
- You know, just clean these.

Hey, Kenny, can we please just talk?

Uh, talk about cocoa?

It was invented by the Mayans.

[Chuckles] Look, I-I realize
you're freaking out

because I said, "I love you,"

and I did notice you didn't say it back.

- You did?
- I did.

- But I don't...
- [Microwave dings]

Oh. Chocolate's ready.

Only eight more steps to cocoa.

Hey, there, godfather. [Laughs]

Shannon just told me the news.

You're gonna be a part of
this family forever now, huh?

That's a pretty big deal.

It is not a big deal!

It is just a young girl's Confirmation.

You know what? Let's just
throw a frickin' party.

Okay? You can bring a date.

Yay!

- And you can bring a date.
- No.

Anyone who wants to can bring a date!

Oh. Some of us don't have dates,

because their father crushes
their dreams with his tongue.

Oh, Jimmy, come on. Wait. Are you okay?

- No!
- Wait.

"No"? You don't want me there?

No, um, I do want you there.

I totally want you there.

I want you there, because...

No, don't say it. You don't mean it.

Don't say it.

...I love you.

Damn it, Kenny.

What is the point of having
voices in your head

if you don't listen to them?

[Dog barks in distance]

Why are you up?

I'm trying to make this table
look perfect,

but this vase looks stupid
wherever I put it.

- Why are you up?
- Same reason.

I could hear this vase
being stupid in my sleep.

[Sighs]

So, what's going on?

You and VP Murray seem
even more awkward than usual.

We're just at that point
in every relationship where,

you know, you freak out a little

'cause the person you're casually dating

is gonna spiritually connected to
your family for all of eternity.

I can see how that would be stressful.

Mm.

What about you and Brett?

You know, we're just at that point

where he tells me he loves me,

and then I freak out and avoid him

and then tell him I love him

even though I don't know how I feel.

Do you ever miss those times back when

we used to hide all our secrets
and swallow our feelings?

- So much.
- Mm.

- What do I tell him?
- [Sighs]

I like him, I really, really do,

but I don't think I love him yet,

and I hate that I said that I did.

Well, I think you should say
exactly that.

You know, there's a lot of love in it,

even if it doesn't have "I love you."

[Sighs] Thank you.

You're welcome.

Do you want to go clean the oven?

I would really like that.

Me too.

[Indistinct conversations]

Did she die?

Oh, so sad.

Due to a clerical error,
we left one essay out.

[Sighs]

- What did you do?
- What did you do?

Father Phil said we couldn't

print Shannon's essay in
the program, but he never said

[Whispers] we couldn't just stuff it in.

God is not a woman
sitting at a typewriter

wearing an A-line skirt
and sensible boots.

[Normal voice] I hear that.

But just for the record,

[Whispers] I always thought
God was a woman, too,

who looked a lot
or exactly like Bea Arthur.

I knew you were up to something.

It's correct to always assume that.

So, what are we gonna do
when Father Phil finds out?

[Normal voice] Just play dumb.

I've already laid the groundwork for it.

You are one badass godfather.

Mm.

- She just kissed you.
- I know.

Last time I was called a badass
was by my doctor

who said I physically have a bad ass.

- Clive, I owe you a huge apology.
- For what?

Well, I've been so concerned
about this Confirmation...

Who could be here and why...

that I missed out on seeing

what a wonderful godfather you're being.

No one is more surprised than me
that I came through for her.

So, how many of these did you hand out?

- 200.
- Oh.

Well, we have to get them all back.

God is a man.

On it like a bonnet.

May I have that, please?
Thank you. I'll take that.

And my third time on the site,

I discover I'm an eighth Swedish,

which makes me Swede-ish.

- That's a joke.
- [Laughs]

[Whispers] Kill him. Or me.

Hey, buddy.

Now, I know you're disappointed

with the way things turned out
with Heather,

and I'm sorry that
she got between us, but...

look who I found.

Miss Short? What are you doing here?

Your dad said you were
missing your old babysitter

and that brunch was being served.

[Chuckles]

Did you really think
this would make me forget

- about what happened?
- I was hoping.

Yeah, well...

you were right.

Miss Short, I have had such a bad week.

Oh, sweetheart.

Do you still like grapes cut in half?

Very much.

[Gasps]

[Giggles]

Mmm.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

Hey.

Hey.

I brought a gift. Is that weird?

No. Great wrapping job.

Uh, look, I have to talk to you.

Okay.

Yesterday you said,
"I love you," which...

which was so incredible to hear.

And then I said it back,

which wasn't... entirely true.

Okay.

Because while I feel so many
amazing things for you,

love just isn't one of them yet.

I knew you were freaking out. I...

No, it's just you're my first boyfriend,

and I don't know how
I'm supposed to be feeling

or how fast I'm supposed to be
feeling it.

I just...

I don't want to screw this up.

Can you forgive me?

Yeah. Sure.

Or maybe we should hit the pause button.

What? No. Brett, that is not...

Tell Shannon I said congratulations.

You okay?

I don't think so.

Come on.

[Organ playing]

According to Catholic doctrine,

the sacrament of Confirmation

strengthens our bond with the church.

It can also remind us how
strong that bond already is...

...how quickly that bond can be made...

...or broken or...

Well, I don't know what this is
exactly, but it's a bond.

Which just leaves me

alone again with my family.

Well, maybe not so alone after all.

[Sighs]

Oh. My. Gosh.

All that hard work.

I mean, they didn't even use the tongs.

Like, what... what is the point?

Animals.

I'm gonna go get a trash bag. [Sighs]

These are delish.

Thanks, Jesus.

Mm-hmm. How you doing, Kenny?

[Sighs] I've had better days.

Thank you for showing up for me.

Well, I'm not here for you.

I'm here for that thing.

You know, just 'cause they sell it

doesn't mean you have to buy it.

It has a three-day return policy.

So did I.

Ooh! Resurrection humor.
Nice one, Jesus.

Ah, I needed that.

Well, if you can't laugh at yourself...

[Both imitate explosion]

[Both laugh]

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