All language subtitles for Psychoville s02e03 Hancock.eng

Still got a few tricks
up your sleeve, Jolly.

We're missing a book.

50 Great Coastal Walks
Of The British Isles Volume Two.

Police have been asking -
I need someone to look after it.

Stop it! Oh, why should I?

Because you've got cancer!

No loose ends, Kelvin.

And if he doesn't know anything?
Kill him.

What do you know about Hancock?

Who is he? Fill me in.
His name's Shahrouz. Oh, my God!

Will you marry him for me?

I won't say anything.

Billy was nine years old,
fell out of a tree.

Lost a lot of blood.
My wife said we'd better call Tony.

What? He was the father?

I loved that boy
but I walked out on him that day and never seen him since.

How long have I got?

I'm just reading the file on
Oscar Lomax. Have you read it? Oh, yes, ma'am.

I can't believe it.

Indeed, ma'am. It's quite
extraordinary, if it's true.

What's the clown up to? Mr Jelly?

Still visiting the old lady,
the occasional children's party.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

BEEPING

It's my video conference call.

Mr Mansour. Can you see me?

Yes, I see you.
Now, am I in high definition?

We had these HDMI cables fitted.
You should be able to tell if I hold up this.

Never mind.

We are growing impatient,
Miss Andrews.

When will we see
a return on our investment?

I can assure you we are very close to
making our presentation, Mr Mansour.

I'm sure you can appreciate
we're working at the cutting-edge of technology here.

Sorry ma'am, just need to grab
a bit of Blu-Tack. Thanks.

We are just waiting on the
final piece of the jigsaw before we can proceed.

I hope I need not remind you how
much is at stake here, Miss Andrews?

Of course. And I can assure you
that we will leave no stone unturned.

No offence.

What do you mean?

Well, you stone people, don't you?

Do you?

Kelvin, get Detective Finney.
I need that locket!

Hi, Mum.

Morning, David.

I've mushed a Weetabick up for you,
it's on the table.

How you feeling?

I'm fine, thank you. How are you?

Here, take your vitamins.

It burns.
That's because it's working.

Sorry about last night.

Robin's fault. I've spent ages
unblocking that toilet bowl.

You should've seen me.
It was like Augustus Gloop.

No, I mean the cancer.

What are you going to do?

I'm clearing out under your bed

so if there's anything you don't
want me to see, shift it.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Is that David Sowerbutts? Speaking.

I sent you a card recently
with a message.

I think it would be wise if we met.
Meet me at King's Cross Station.

Three o' clock. There'll be
a ticket in your name. Yeah.

I want this to end.

HORN BLOWS

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Hoyti Toyti's.

I've got to make a phone call.
Be back in ten minutes, all right?

Aye, go on then. Cod and chips.

A what, dear? A Homepride Fred?

Oh, you mean like a flour shaker?

No, we do toys, dear. Antiques.

Try Kath's Kitchens.

Oh, here comes trouble.

Where is it, then?

Here, I've laid it all out for you.

Not much new stuff in this month.
Come and have a feel.

That Sooty turned out
to be fake, then?

Yes, they traced it back to a woman
in Pickering. She made them herself.

Apparently, she had a whole
attic full of Sues.

She was about to flood the market
but they caught her.

This Slinky's a bit loose, isn't it?
I know, it's Chinese.

HE GROANS

Now, I know the answer to this
but I'm going to put it out there anyway.

Would you have any interest
in a Simpsons chess set?

Not in the slightest.
I cannot shift it.

Oh, stay away from the '80s, Peter.
You've been burned before.

What's this?
Not seen one like this before.

Oh, it just came in this morning,

not had a chance to give it
the once-over myself yet.

Papier mache head, wooden hands,
nicely carved.

Original lace.

French, I'd say.
This is quite a find, Peter.

Yes, apparently it was a prop
in that old film,

The Punch And Judy Man with,
oh, what's his name...?

The lad himself?

Tony Hancock.

All right, see you in a bit. Cool.

You following me, bruv? What?
I've seen you following me.

What do you want?
I think you can help me.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Hello, husband.

Do you know, I still can't get used
to saying that. Hello, Hattie.

Eh, Chris is not here.
He go to Cranford.

I know. I tried to call him
but couldn't get through.

Listen, Shahrouz, I don't want
to panic you, but we might have a bit of a problem.

Huh?

I've had a call from the man
at the Home Office who's processing your visa application.

Visa, yes.

Well, he's suspicious about
our wedding cos it was so close to the expiry date of your old visa,

and he wants to do a home visit,

just to check we are actually
living as Mr and Mrs, what is it, Japan...?

Javanmardy. That's it.
Hattie Javanmardy. Unreal.

You want me to come round after work?
Erm...

I think you should, you know,
just to be on the safe side. OK.

I will be there after six.
Thank you, Hattie.

Oh, and Shahrouz? Yes?

Bring your toothbrush.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello. I'm Mr Jolly.

Yes, we are expecting you.

Oooh, I know it says Jelly on there
but it's a mistake.

Just ignore it.

Mmmm. This is all very posh.
How long you lived here?

Oh, I'm not the owner, sir.
I'm just in service here.

Oh, right. Oh, yeah.
I wondered why you had gloves on.

Thought you might be allergic.

So, can I ask, the party -
is it a boy or a girl?

A young man I believe, sir.
He's just upstairs getting prepared.

Right, well, I usually do
pirate stuff for the lads.

I used to do balloon animals but
it's got ridiculous with the hook.

Well, we have a room prepared
for you. Just let me have your bag.

I shan't be a moment.

LAUGHTER

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, sorry! Sorry! Use a lock.

Yo, ho, ho. Hello,
my name is Captain Hook and I'm looking for the birthday boy.

Have any of you landlubbers
seen him?

HE SINGS "The Sailor's Hornpipe".

Sorry, have I dropped a bollock?
Everyone, this is Mr Jolly.

He's our entertainment
for the afternoon.

Can I get you a drink?

Why not? I am Mr Jolly.

No! I told you before,
I don't want anything to do with him!

He only wants to talk to you.
I'm not meeting him, Tealeaf.

Here, ring him up and cancel it.
Tell him it's off.

Look, you should just chat to him.
He seems like a nice guy.

I can't meet him, Tealeaf. Do you
understand? I can never meet him.

He doesn't blame you for anything.
It wasn't your fault.

You were the one who was lied to.
If I saw him it would only make things worse than they already are.

It wouldn't,
he sees you as his father.

I am his father. That's what he
wants. I mean I'm his real father. I thought Hancock...

I am Hancock!

What?

I'm Tony Hancock.

Stone me, what a life.

Can't even do the voice any more.

Does your son know?

Yes, I think he's worked it out.

Go and fetch him, Tealeaf.

It's time I faced the truth.

All right. Be back in half an hour.

Hancock's Half Hour.

Sorry. That's all right.

You? Yes, me.

I know what you did.

What do you want?

Well, I've been thinking a lot about
how to commit the perfect murder.

Coffee?

I have a bit of a problem
with cash flow.

I don't know if you know
about Haringey's payment structure,

but there's a glass ceiling
for public sector workers

and I'm banging my head against it.

It's supposed to incentivise
cross-borough collaboration,

but why would we want to get
into bed with the Barnet lot

when their grants
are not centrally managed?

I don't know. Exactly!

Anyway, I have, shall we say,
substantial debts,

and I can't keep chasing
the Thunderball forever

because that way, madness lies.

What's this?

I have a great aunt who's
left me some money in her will.

It's not much, but it'll see me
debt-free for the first time since the credit crunch.

I want you to help her on her way.

You want me to murder her?

Don't look so shocked.

Last time I saw you,
you were happily telling me you'd just killed five people.

Three men, two ladies.
Three men, two ladies.

This just makes it three of each.
Balances it.

You do this for me,
and all the information I have on you and Critchley Gardens

will mysteriously find it's way
into the recycling.

You scratch my back and I'll
scratch yours. My mum does that.

Oh.

Well, do we have a deal?

She's not well.

If I do this for you,
you've got to do something for me.

Criss cross.

How do you mean?
I don't want her to suffer any more.

Is that your watch?

There you are. Thank you, ladies.

Everything's prepared for you
upstairs. If you'd come this way.

God, half pissed now!
Birthday boy ready, is he?

I believe so, sir.

Right. Well, I'd better get going.
I'll take that, thank you.

Everything in order, sir?

I think so, yes.
I won't be a moment.

Just checking you have everything,
Jolly? We've prepared the lights.

What's this?

This is Mr Kakkar.
And it's his left kidney, I think. Is that right, Gravy?

It is, sir.

And the local anaesthetic
has been administered as instructed.

It goes in here when you're done,
then ring the bell.

I was thinking more of
a rabbit out of a hat.

We'll just leave you to it.

Two hundred dollar, please.

BANGING ON DOOR

Hello, Billy.

Please, come in.

Hello, Dad.

This way.

MUSIC: "Total Eclipse Of The Heart"
by Bonnie Tyler.

♪ Every now and then I fall apart. ♪

Have you ever worked with Gaynor,
Shahrouz? Gaynor?

Sorry, you probably know her
as Bonnie Tyler.

I know her as Gaynor Hopkins.

I did the hair and make-up
on this video.

I have never back-combed
so much in my entire life.

The lacquer we got through.

Are you sure you don't want
a little glass of poo,

we're supposed to be celebrating?

No.

I am not permitted to drink.
Mmmm.

There's other things
you're not permitted to do.

But you still do them though,
don't you?

It is my religion.

Oh, God. I'm going to have
to learn all about this, aren't I?

Are you going to try and convert me?

Or should I try and convert you?

The man is coming?
Yeah, he is, but we don't know when. They try and trick you out.

Do you think we should be
heading upstairs? Just do what we'd normally do?

I sleep on the couch.

Don't be daft.
You can sleep in my bed.

I'll go in the spare room.

Besides, you've got to carry me
up the stairs yet.

That's it.

You see, we've got to observe
each other's customs, Shahrouz.

It's all part of being married.

SHE HUMS "Here Comes The Bride"

ANSWER PHONE BEEPS

'This is Jeremy Goode from
Brooke Street Library. Will you be returning

'50 Great Coastal Walks
Of The British Isles Volume Two?

'I expect to hear from you
immediately, if not sooner.'

Have a wonderful time. Thanks.

Night.

I don't know what I'm doing.
Can you feel that?

You'll have to tell me
if it starts hurting because I have not a clue.

I'm a children's entertainer.

Is there no other way
you could have earned that money?

Two hundred dollar.
Well, I'm not giving it you.

I'm being paid in Euros anyway.
It's an international operation.

Right.

Here... we... go.

Oh, God, you're bleeding, now.
I need some bog roll.

HE WHIMPERS

CREAKING

A-a-a-a-h!
Hattie, what are you doing?

I am consummating our relationship,
Shahrouz.

That was harder than back-combing
Bonnie Tyler's hair, I tell you.

But this is not right.

Come back to bed.

We'll talk about it in the morning.
No.

This is all wrong.

I'm wearing your ring, Shahrouz.

We've got a certificate of marriage
downstairs, signed in the sight of God.

You are my husband.

And husbands sleep with their wives,
Shahrouz. Sorry.

But, I am homosexual.

Nobody's perfect. Come on.

I want to phone Chris.

Chris is in Cranford.

No phones in Cranford.

What would happen to you, Shahrouz,
if you got sent back to Iran?

If they found out
you were living with an English man?

HE WHIMPERS

Right.

No, no. Can't do this. Ridiculous.

Had to mush that up a bit.

What else?

It's like Ready Steady Cook, this.
Oh, that'll do.

Hang on a minute.

How you getting on?

Yeah, it's all done. It's in there.

No, don't look at it.

You have to leave the lid on,
or else they'd go off.

Oh, right.

Nice easy one, that.
Just slipped out, didn't it? Kidley?

He's regretting it, now.
I told him he would.

Don't worry, Mr Kakkar.

We have your fee waiting for you.
As we do for you, Mr Jolly.

Once the client has received
the kidney, of course. Of course.

Right, well.
I think I'll just, er...

go and, er...

have a piss.

MUSIC: "Twinkle, Twinkle,
Little Star"

Who are you?

I'm Jeremy from the library.

Why are you in my room?

On the 14th of October 2007,
you borrowed Alice Through The Looking Glass.

Do you remember that book, Chloe?

Beware the Jabberwock, my son.

The jaws that bite.
The claws that catch.

On the 28th of October,
your mummy brought the book back to the library,

and on the 31st of October
Margaret Cheng took it out again.

Because libraries are all about
sharing, aren't they, Chloe?

What do you want?

Where is 50 Great Coastal Walks
Of The British Isles Volume Two?

It's a book, Chloe.

One of our books from the library
and your mummy has stolen it.

Jabberwocky would like to read
that book, Chloe.

Would you like me to send him to
your room so he can look for it?

Very well.

You have to look for it.

I'll be watching. Night night.

Never been with a woman before,
have you?

Well, as Bonnie said,
I can always...

"Turn around, bright eyes".

I'm very proud of the fact
my ex-partner said he could never tell the difference.

Turn the light out, Shahrouz.

There wasn't a day go by
I didn't think of you, Billy.

But after what I did,
I knew I couldn't go on.

Sugar? Thank you.

I ruined my best friend's life.

Slept with his wife and
fathered a son he thought his own.

It killed him.

And the guilt killed me.

One fake suicide in Australia later
and all my sins were washed away.

The career was on its way out
so that didn't bother me.

I'd turned them all against me,
anyway.

Sid, Ray and Alan.

Williams.

All I had to do was
become somebody else.

It was easier to arrange
away from home.

A weighted coffin was buried.

Then I came up here
to start my new life.

A quiet life.

It's quite a story.

Yes, indeed.
But what about you, Billy?

There must me so many things
you want to ask me.

Oh, only one thing.
Where's the locket?

Eh? The locket!

Oscar. What happened to it?

What do you mean?
I don't know anything about that.

I thought you probably didn't.
But it'd be rude not to ask, eh?

Here we go, then.
Billy! Please. Billy, I'm sorry.

I forgive you.

Here we go, then.

You ready for this?
Just give me a moment.

I've waited 40 years for this.

I'm shaking.

Don't worry.

I'm sure your dad's just as
choked up as you are.

Yeah? Come on.

Mr Lomax, Billy's here.

Not again.

There you are! Where've you been?

Eccles.

What for?

Eccles cake.

David, how many more times?
You can get them from the Spar.

You don't have to go to Hamburg
to get a hamburger.

I've been picking out the music
I want at my funeral.

I want one classical and
one from the cheering-up tape.

Trying to decide between Superman
and Oops Upside Your Head. See how wide the pews are.

But for the classical, I want this.

SHE PLAYS "Abide With Me"

'Is that you, Tealeaf?

'Is there anything from Nasa?

'In with the plums!'

'I have a great aunt.

'I want you to help her on her way.'

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