Original subtitles

You're such an idiot, Ben! I know you are, but what am I?

You're so annoying! Will you two pack it in?!

He started it. No, I did not.

Yes, he did, he Facebook-raped me.

Facebook-raped?

Yes, he changed my status to "Jake is a transvestite".

And he doesn't even know what a transvestite is.

Yes, I do. They're a bit strange,

and they're men who want to be women but they can't afford sex changes

so they buy women's parts and they glue them on.

What? Anyway...

he changed my Facebook status to "Ben died last Tuesday"

and I didn't.

Why do you have to be so childish? I don't care who started it!

How can you not care who started it, you're a history teacher.

Yes, but- History is about who started it.

Well, that's- I've decided that I don't want to be a vet anymore.

I want to be an astronaut.

Girls can't be astronauts.

What? I think they can, Ben.

No, they can't. Because they can't throw.

Why would an astronaut need to know how to throw?

Well... what if there's a giant alien jellyfish attack

and the only weapon you have is spanners to throw at them?

Anyway, girls can throw.

Interestingly, there is evidence that the way the female shoulder

is put together does make it difficult for girls

to throw a ball hard. Ow!

That was a hard throw. Karen!

And so was that. Ow!

Karen, I've told you before - no throwing fruit at Dad!

Jake, could you check whether the milkman's been yet, please?

Why me?

Because, you drink most of it.

God, I'm dreadfully sorry to inconvenience you.

I'll just leave home, shall I?

OK, but get the milk on your way out.

Here's one. There are loads of aliens coming towards you,

and the only weapon you have is a javelin.

Why would an astronaut have a javelin?

For the space Olympics.

hitting all the important buttons like the force field.

And then when the captain goes over to turn on the back-up force field,

he trips over the little cord

which keeps the mummy and the baby together...

Where's he got to with that milk?

And that's why you can't have women in space.

Hiya.

Hi.

Any time this month would be great.

Oh, right.

Milk!

Oh, sorry.

What if the ship was being attacked by all these big meteorites

and all the women would be doing is sitting in the toilet,

crying going, "Oooohhhh", being all sissy.

That's a bit of an unfair stereotype.

No, it's not. Do you know what a stereotype is?

No. Well...

a stereotype is when someone has the wrong idea about people,

for instance, someone may feel that women

are all sissy, sissy, girlie girls

who do unimportant things whereas, in fact,

there are a lot of strong and very successful women out there

who completely prove that stereotype wrong, do you see?

Have you got any bacon?

Like for instance,

why did you direct that question to me and not your father?

Because you're nearest the fridge.

Oh.

Right, well...

Never fear, I'm not asking for money.

I just wanted to give you a leaflet.

Oh, it's about the speed bumps. It is indeed.

Now there's more information at our website...

www.thismadnessmustend.com.

What's that?

Er, yeah, it's just a letter from the hospital.

Instructions about my colonoscopy.

Is that when they chop off the top of your brain

to make you behave better?

That's a lobotomy. Oh.

Miss Lyons said Ben could do with one of those.

They've banned them... sadly.

So what are you having?

Look, I'm just having a very simple thing where they film your insides.

Film your insides?

Mm.

But your insides are on your inside, so, how can they film them?

With a camera. In your insides?

Yes.

Are you sure you've got this right?

Well, it's just we haven't really quite decided what...

All right then, then let me ask you a question.

Are you in favour of councils

riding roughshod over the wishes of local residents?

No. No, obviously not, it's just we haven't...

Let me ask you another question.

Are you in favour of people dying

because ambulances are being impeded in their progress?

No, no, I'm not in favour of people dying.

I'm against that, it's just...

Right, I'll show you some statistics.

Let me just...

Yes, but how does this camera get inside your insides?

Well...

it's a special tiny camera, specially designed for the purpose.

Yes, but how does it get inside your insides?

Well, they-they put it...

up your bottom.

Up your bottom?! It's not funny, Ben.

It is. Who's going to work the camera?

Is there going to be like some tiny, tiny midget doctor

that has to go up your bottom too?

No, Karen. There's no midget.

Will we be able to watch it live on telly?

No, you won't be able to watch it on TV.

Is that because it's on Sky and we don't have Sky?

That is ju- No.

There is no colonoscopy channel. Yet.

What if you do one of your massive gigantic Dad farts

while it's in you. Oh, God!

And then it sends the midget flying back.

There are no midgets. Just stop it now, you two.

What happens if something goes wrong and- What if it gets stuck?

And they can't get it out so they have to stick...

their hand up your bottom to get it out. Stop it!

Furthermore, the elevation of the speed bumps is...

12cm which is patently absurd.

Well, this street has actually become a bit of a rat run, and...

That's because of the new lights at the top of Palmerston Grove.

I did warn them.

Anyway, let me show you some more...

Actually now's not a great time, we've gotta...

Understood, Saturday morning chaos, bad timing.

I shall leave you alone. Thanks.

And come back this evening.

Oh, great.

It could be like Big Brother. Yeah.

"Day 49 and Daddy's tummy is full of carrots."

Why have you got to have this... thing?

Look, it is purely precautionary.

It's standard procedure now.

If you're middle-aged and you have tummy trouble, then...

Will the camera be searching for cancer?

Ben! Shut up! It's OK, Jake.

It's fine, he can ask that.

Look, there is nothing to be frightened of.

Cancer is just a word, and we shouldn't be afraid of saying it.

Cancer. Yes, that's...

Cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer.

Yeah, there is a difference between not being frightened of it

and turning it into a catchphrase.

It's not funny, Ben, Jane's dad has got cancer and...

It is OK, Jake, it's OK.

Look, I am confident that I've not got...

There are millions of stomach-related ailments,

it'll turn out to be one of them, believe me.

It'll probably turn out to be, to do with my nerves or something.

Why would your nerves be bad?

Dunno, it's hard to work out, put down the carving fork.

I'm just looking at the shape of it.

Pointy, that's the shape of it. Now, put it down.

If you used that as a javelin,

you'd be able to impale two aliens at once. Ben!

As long as they're standing next to each other...

Put it away... and are very thin and they're standing still.

Why are boys so aggressive?

Why do they see everything as a weapon?

Because boys can throw and girls can't.

Boys are brilliant!

- Shut up! - Ow!

She's throwing fruit again, Mum.

Jake was at it again ogling Frank and Jean's daughter, Kelly.

Oh, yeah, the one with the legs?

The one with the honours degree from Oxford.

Oh, yeah.

Honestly, the boys' attitude to women, it's medieval.

Ben sees women solely as staff

and Jake spends his whole time

watching The Pussycat Dolls with a face like this.

Yeah, well, he's a boy, he's 13, and...

Shut up!

Oh, God, what on earth is going on in here?

Get off me. You're in a bad mood! Shut up then!

Just stop it!

Come on. You're so annoying!

- Ben. No hitting! - There is no need to fight!

There is actually, when we men were cavemen,

we used to fight other cavemen

so they didn't steal our pet brontosauruses.

It's Darwin.

A - that is not Darwin, that's the Flintstones,

and B - that is utter rubbish.

You never see your dad starting a fight, do you?

No, cos he'd lose.

Mum's right. Real men don't fight.

That's right.

They're man enough to control themselves.

Exactly. So you two just cool it.

OK, washing-up's done, and I'll see you about one.

OK, so...

Hang on.

Wait a minute, what do you mean "see you about one"?

Where are you going? This is a bit of a visual clue.

No. You're not playing tennis? Yes, I am.

No, you're not playing tennis this morning, you're on kids patrol.

No, no, I'm not, I'm playing tennis with Frankie, Rick and Bob.

I've done the washing-up.

But I've got a coffee morning with Jilly and Suzannah.

Yeah, but I'm playing tennis.

Since when? What do you mean, "Since when"?

Since... this is a longstanding arrangement.

No, no, no, cos it's not on the calendar.

And you know the rule...

if it's not on the calendar, it doesn't officially exist,

that's the rule. I know but...

It's not a fully sanctioned, bona-fide commitment.

Yes. And that's- And that's the rule.

And we've agreed the rule specifically... Uh-huh.

To prevent this kind of double-booking.

So if it's not in the calendar... But it is in the calendar.

Where?

There, see?

Where? There!

'P-ton'.

P-ten! It's short for tennis.

Well, how am I supposed to decode that?

I haven't got an enigma machine.

Why should you be my apprentice?

Because I am a winner.

I don't even know the meaning of the word loser

and I have never ever ever failed anything in my entire life.

You're fired!

Now, who's next?

I'm a good team leader.

No. That's not true, she's bossy, she's a panda.

She's dead!

The rule is - it has to be on the calendar

and written in something resembling English.

Clearly, 'P-ten' stands for 'P tennis'.

So why not just write "tennis"? Because - because there isn't room.

The box is too small and half of it is taken up with the revelation

that it's National Weaving Day in Canada.

Oh, I see, so this is all about my calendar-buying skills now, is it?

No. All I'm saying is there isn't room for my name and the word 'tennis'.

Yeah. Because most of the box is taken up

with the words "Sue - coffee morn."

Is that what that says? You know perfectly well that's what that says.

How am I to decipher that microscopic scrawl? It's perfectly legible.

Hang on, you put your tennis there this morning, didn't you?

I did not - I put that on the calendar last Tuesday.

Well, I don't remember seeing it.

Just because you didn't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

I am good at everything and- I don't care!

You, you, you...

You smell of flowers and flowers give me hay fever.

You're fired!

And you two, you're just a pair of clowns.

You're fired!

All I'm saying is, as commitments go,

a tennis match trumps a coffee morning, surely.

Well, how do you work that one out?

Because, because if I cancel, I'm letting down Rick, Bob and Frankie,

three people, whereas if you cancel, you're only letting down two.

Oh, for f- Also, if I don't turn up,

the boys can't have a match

whereas if you don't turn up, Jilly and Suzannah can still drink coffee.

I don't believe this. Also, I really need a run around.

I mean, I have had an extremely stressful week at work.

You've had a stressful week at work!

I've been working on telesales for rubbish...

Yes, but you had a night out on Thursday, didn't you?

That was parents' evening!

I spent hours sitting around waiting to be told

that it's great that Ben's so keen on the Aztecs

but he has to stop carving scenes of human sacrifice onto the desks.

Yes, but this tennis court

is specifically booked for this morning,

whereas your coffee morning could be rescheduled.

I mean, booking these courts, they're like gold dust.

So, you're saying that your social life is more important than mine.

No. No, I'm not. I'm not saying that.

Yes, you are.

You're saying that four men playing tennis

is more important than three women having a coffee morning.

Well, it is. What?

A coffee morning isn't competitive,

it's not like who can drink the frothiest coffees,

but tennis is men fighting for victory,

and that's more important.

Well, I don't know where he got that from.

Look, can't we get someone in to look after them?

What, at five minutes' notice?

What about, what's her name, the old lady up the road?

Joan? She won't do it.

Her doctor's told her she mustn't do it again.

Oh, yeah. There's only way to resolve this.

We'll have to toss for it. All right.

OK, tails - I get my coffee morning. Heads - you get your tennis, OK? OK.

It's best out of three. What?

Best out of three. Best out of three? It's best of one!

I've won. It's always best out of three.

So, what's this bloke's name? I didn't catch- Lance.

He's just moved in opposite Frankie,

so Frankie roped him in at the last minute.

And why did Bob pull out?

Double-booked himself with his wife on kids patrol, didn't he.

What a pillock. Yeah, what a pillock.

OK, ready?

Nice. Out!

By about that much. Maybe it was out.

15-love.

Hi, Dad!

Hiya! Sorry. Hey!

Sorry everyone, sorry.

I'm sorry, Pete, but Melanie just called and her car's broken down

so I'm going to have to take Jake, plus Dean plus Luke to football,

so you've got to look after these two.

Well, can't someone else? I've tried everybody, honestly.

Got to go. Because Luke and Dean will be at our place.

But we're meant to be playing tennis, how do I keep them entertained?

Look, I've brought toys for them.

Ben, I told you not to bring this.

It'll be fine.

This is not a practical arrangement.

They can have a game on one of these spare courts...

which are like gold dust apparently. Bye!

But how am I supposed to...

Oh, she's good.

Right, kids, here we go, I've got some spare racquets here.

Thanks, Rick. You know Frankie, don't you?

And that's Lance. Oh, Lance!

So cool, you've got the name of a weapon!

I wanted to call myself Scimitar,

but Dad said there'd be too much paperwork.

Right.

Well, you just play a nice game there,

see how long you can keep that up.

Are we ready? 15-love.

Aaaahhhhhh!

Karen, what are you doing?

Well, when professional tennis women play tennis,

every time they hit the ball, they go, "Uuuaaahhhh",

and then they sit down and eat a banana.

Yeah, well, Venus Williams might,

but it's very distracting so if you can...

Why do they make that noise?

I mean, they're just hitting a tennis ball,

not like a rock or something made of osmium,

the heaviest metal known to man.

Are we going to play tennis or not?

Yeah, sorry. 15-love.

This is boring.

Look, do some drawing or something.

I've got an idea. Ben, why don't you be our ball boy,

you know, like at Wimbledon.

OK. And Karen, you can be our umpire.

I... I don't think that's a very good idea.

Is that the one who's in charge?

She tends to get a bit...

That's right, you're the ref, and what you do is

every time the ball hits the net, you shout, "Foul!"

OK.

Wait!

Play!

Look, boys, look. Check these out.

Sorry about that, boys.

I had to drop off Ben and Karen.

Ahh! Did you see those?

Morning, Mrs Brockman. Morning, Mrs Brockman. Hi, boys.

Out!

Out? Yes.

Well, what does our umpire say?

I shall have to consult Hawk-Eye.

Woooooooooo!

In. No, sweetheart, it wasn't.

Well, yes, it was. Because it bounced here.

And don't call me sweetheart.

The umpire's word is final, Lance.

Look, I'm telling you it was out.

Yeah, you can't face the truth, you're just saying,

"Oh, I thought it was in." Karen. Stop it!

Because you're a bad loser. Don't.

And you're too competitive.

Look, it really doesn't matter, let's play a let. What?

But I'm the umpire, I get to choose what we do. Karen!

Book him! Good idea.

Daddy, you are booked. Whooooa!

Ben, what are you doing? Whooooa!

A Mexican wave. Whooooa!

You can't do a Mexican wave with just one person.

Yes, you just have to keep running around the court. Ben, don't.

Actually, I think the ball probably was in, Lance.

40-30 to you.

Thanks for the lift, Mrs Brockman.

Could you just hang on a second, Jakey?

Mum, I've got to go play football. No. This won't take a moment.

Jake, do you know what the objectification of women is?

A foreign film?

No, it's not a foreign film,

it's when a woman is seen just as an object or a commodity...

by men.

For instance, if a pretty girl walks by

and someone says, "Did you see those?"

rather than "Did you see her?"

I was abbreviating.

What?

You know, I said "those" as opposed to "those girls"

because there was a pair of them - girls, pair of girls.

So I, erm, said "those",

much like you would say, "Watch out for those cars".

I think you might have confused me with a gullible idiot.

Yours!

Mine.

Yes! Yes!

Game to us. Out!

What?

That was out. That's a point to Daddy's team.

Oh, for f-!

And another point to Daddy's team for bad language.

I didn't swear! You were going to.

Yes, you were going to say- Ben!

She can't dock points like that.

It's fine, look, just ignore her, she's being...

You can't ignore me, I'm the referee.

Karen! And don't argue with me, you've already been booked.

Again, I thought that probably did look out.

The ball was miles off, that bloke's blind. Stop!

Ben.

Deuce it is, then.

Girls like to be admired.

They like to be admired, yes,

but as a person not as a sexual object.

Does Britney Spears want that?

Look, Jake, all I'm saying is

I don't want you growing up into the kind of man

who talks to a woman without looking at their face.

You are such a hypocrite.

Aaah! You idiot!

Advantage us. What is wrong with me today?

Well, er, what star sign are you?

Pisces.

It's probably just a bad day for Pisces.

Mind you, Daddy's playing rubbish and he's Cancer.

Can we get on with it, please?

Yes, sorry.

Advantage us, set point.

I am not a hypocrite.

Yes, you are! I've heard the way you and all your friends

have been talking about that new builder from across the street.

Well, um, how did you hear that?

All giggling and cracking jokes about the size of his spanner.

Yeah, well, that was Melanie, that wasn't me.

And of course, when you were rating his arse out of ten,

you were obviously just admiring him as a person.

Look, Jake, A - you shouldn't eavesdrop.

Eavesdrop! You were screeching like...

And B - it was different because...

he didn't know we were looking at him.

That's not the point. Look, the point is...

The point is, I'm late. See you later.

By the way, I said you'd wash the kit.

Ahh!

Fine.

YES!

I thought that looked a bit wide.

It landed...

here. See? Wide.

Yes, but I saw it and it was good. Why believe her?

Believe me because my eyes are good because I'm young.

Karen! And your eyes are much smaller

and a bit wrinklier

and you can't see because you're quite old.

Oh, this is a bloody joke!! Racquet abusement.

Two points to Daddy's team. Look...

One for racquet abusement and another for swearing.

This is ridiculous, there's obviously something going on here.

I've had four perfectly good points called out,

yeah, by...

How do you explain that, eh?

Maybe it's something to do with your star sign. Karen!

Are you a Pisces or are you a Cancer?

What? Look, let's just play a let. First serve.

Why did they name a star sign after a disease like cancer?

Yeah, do you mind?

It's only a word, there's nothing to be afraid of. Shh, Ben!

I'm just saying it. Please. Shh!

Thank you.

Cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer. Ben!

Oh, come on, this is out of order. Eh?

He's obviously playing mind games, isn't he?

He's nine.

He knows what he's doing, like her.

She sees what she wants to see.

Well, that's rich. Sorry?

Are you calling me a cheat?

Er, yeah, I am calling you a cheat.

Listen, matey, I don't have to cheat to beat you, I play for my county.

Which county was that then? Wankershire?

Oh.

Yeah, come on. Lance. It's all right.

Leave it. Rick! I'm ready.

Rick. Lance!

Come on. You...

Get off!

Get off me!

Rick! Just leave it.

Jesus!

I think the world is unfair to women.

Well, absolutely, I think you're right.

Often it is.

Because women can't grow moustaches or beards.

Do you want to grow a beard?

Well, I might want to be a tugboat captain

or er...

an ayatollah.

Well, you'd make a very good ayatollah.

But, women can do things men can't - women can have babies.

Yes, but I'd rather have a moustache than a baby,

because then you could just shave it off if...

if you change your mind and you can't do that with a baby.

Ow!

Ben, I've told you not to fire stuff in the house.

Don't shoot things at people.

Can I grow a beard when I'm older, like Eric Bloodaxe or Blackbeard?

I'm sure you can grow a beard.

It'd be really cool cos Blackbeard used to put

fireworks in it and then catherine-wheels...

Why did he have...

And there's sparklers and matches and it would be like... pff!

There'd be an element of danger in that, wouldn't there?

I think that might raise a few health and safety issues.

If you had a really long beard like Blackbeard,

it would be really cool because you could put little animals in there.

So whenever you had an enemy walking up to you,

a little ferret would pop out of your beard and bite it.

So you'd have them trained? Or you could have a spitting cobra

which has been painted to make it look like part of your beard

and then it goes, prrrtf!

Bring on the wall!

Bring on the wall? I like this.

Why, how's that entertainment?

It's funny, isn't it?

Vanessa Feltz being hit by a real wall, that would be entertainment.

But it's not every day you get to see someone really fat

stuck into a really tight lycra costume.

Then, they get pushed into the water.

It's entertainment, Dad, just face it.

What, people who can't even work out the shape they have to be

to get through a large hole in a wall?

No. It's not that.

But if they are sort of a metre wide

and the gap is only like 50cm wide,

then it's just, you know, physics isn't it?

They're not going to fit through.

I'm not accepting that that is physics, Jake.

That's- Well, maybe it's not physics.

I couldn't think of what to call it.

Cos you watch too many programs like this.

Oh, bring on the wall?

Bring on early death.

What else is on? No, Dad, don't change.

What's that?

Doctor Who.

That's not Doctor Who.

Well, it's the making of Doctor Who, same thing.

Oh, no, not another making-of program!

Or you could have a chameleon,

which looks like part of your beard as well.

You could have a scorpion

and it just scuttles out and goes like that. Phhhhoooo.

So, you would fill your beard with attack animals.

Don't put that in your gun because that is a dangerous missile.

Right. If you fired that out, it could really hurt someone.

What happens if your hair grows really really long,

like down to your feet,

and then it grows its own personality

and it starts attacking you and controlling you?

What is wrong with making-of programs, Dad?

Because television is like a pork pie.

They're fantastic but you don't want to know what goes in them.

But you just- Let's see what else is on.

Oh, Dad, why do you always change the channel

when something good comes on? Oh. Spooks.

That's a good show as well.

It's not realistic.

None of the agents has ever got pissed

and left a top-secret dossier on a train.

I've drawn some pictures of you.

Right?

They're of you playing tennis. Lovely.

This is you, holding your tennis racquet.

Oh, yes.

And this is that man, biting your friend's knee,

and him saying, "Ouch, ouch, ouchy",

although that's not actually what he said.

No, I know. He actually said...

What, what's that up in the sky?

That's a dragon. Being ridden by Barack Obama?

Yes, he's coming to arrest all of you.

Right.

Come on, Karen, time for bed.

All right, all right, don't bang on.

I wasn't banging on.

You must have been.

Real men don't fight.

They're man enough to control themselves.

I didn't fight, I was restraining them.

Well, Ben says you gave this bloke a crafty elbow in the ribs.

That was an accidental collision while I was restraining them.

It's pathetic - four grown men.

What are you watching?

Erm, it's Simon Cowell being rude to a mentally ill person.

Oh, right.

I tried having a word with Jake about his attitude towards women

and I'm so depressed

by the way everybody just automatically...

slots themselves

into these stupid sexual stereotypes.

It's prehistoric.

Back as promised.

I've actually got a copy of what the council laughably call

their "Traffic Calming Programme".

Would you like me to talk you through it?

That's going to be too technical for my girlie brain.

This is man's talk, I'll go and get my hubby.

Oh.

Pe-ter, it's for you, darling.

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