All language subtitles for the.completely.made-up.adventures.of.dick.turpin.s01e02.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab

Hut, hut!

Hut! Hyah!

Hut, hut!

My first highway robbery.

I haven't been this excited
since I discovered my own cheekbones.

- Here's your gun, Dick.
- Thank you.

That's the thing you shoot people with.

Okay. Wow, that's quite small, isn't it?

It looks like your gun
gave birth to my gun.

So I'm holding up stagecoach with this,
am I?

Actually, are you sure you don't
want us to take the lead on this?

Seeing as you have no experience
or knowledge and a tiny little gun.

I'll be fine, Nell.
Trust me, I've got this.

Hut! Hyah!

- Okay. Guys, this is it.
- Hut! Hut!

History in the making.

Okay.

We strike on three. One, two--

Hyah! Hut!

We'll get the next one.

They move quite fast, don't they?

Okay, guys, we're back on.

Valuable lessons have been learned.

This time, we strike on two.

No, you stay here
and try not to ruin anything,

and enjoy the show.

When do I get to use my tiny gun?

- Don't move!
- Hands off the horse!

This is a robbery!

Who are you? What are you carrying?

Tell me or I'll eat your face!

Please don't hurt me.
My name's Craig. Craig the Warlock.

And I'm just carrying
general warlocky-type stuff.

Oh, yeah? Open the cart!

What's this? Where's your money?

I told you, I'm just a lowly warlock.

We get paid less than nurses.

I'm saying loud, scary words.
Loud, scary words!

Please! Just take whatever you want.
Just don't kill me.

Oh, God, I'm having a panic attack.
I need my inhaler.

I need my--

This is awful.

What's wrong, Dick?
You've hardly touched your rat.

It's not the rat, Honesty.

I mean, obviously it is the rat.
Sorry, Moose.

It's just, that was horrible.
We took everything that guy had.

Yeah, you know, that's what outlaws do.

We rob people
and then we lie low in our secret hideout.

It's not even that secret.
There's a dog walker over there.

Afternoon.

Afternoon, Linda.

Okay. Well, you're the new leader, Dick.
So, what's your vision?

"Give us all your money,
but absolutely no worries if not"?

I haven't really had
a chance to think about it,

but I suppose we could
use a bit more panache.

Misdirection.

- The odd illusion.
- Yeah.

We could dazzle people
with our powerful imaginations.

And whilst they're being dazzled,

slide away on horseback
with a cheeky wink.

So cheeky.

We wouldn't have to come up with
a new way of doing things

if you hadn't messed with Jonathan Wilde.

Yeah,
that was a small oversight on my part.

He used to tell us which coaches to rob.

But now, because of you,
he wants to-- Oh, yeah. Kill us.

He doesn't want to kill us, Nell.

He was a bit cross at the time.
He's probably forgotten all about us.

I want him, Christopher.

I've never wanted any man more in my life.

He used to want me like that.

Slake, where are we on Turpin?

These are all of
our most recent Dick sightings, sir.

Multiple witnesses claim
to have seen him here, here and here.

Remarkable.

He's managed to appear
in all four corners of the county.

No, sir.
Those pins are just to hold up the map.

Christ, Slake, couldn't you have used
different colored pins?

It's really confusing.

- Yes, sir. Apologies, sir.
- Tell the men to keep looking.

I want this Dick in my hands
as soon as possible.

Grow up, Christopher.

Guys. That was a bumpy ride.

How do you park these things again?

So you're saying there's an actual
highwayman night for just highwaymen?

Yeah. You're gonna love it, Dick.

Happens every second Tuesday.

Highwaymen gather from all over to drink,
trade weapons and share heist stories.

Also, there's a raffle.

Just remember
we're here to get heist targets.

So let's just keep our ears to the ground.

- Not literally, Honesty.
- Okay.

What a turnout.

All the most wanted are here.

The Grayson Gang.

The Pipe Dreamers.

And those animals are the Dreaded Perms.

Dick, please try not to show us up
in front of the other gangs. Okay?

Don't worry about me, Nell.
I know how to speak to hardened criminals.

I've got palpable charisma.

Check this out.

Hey, big guy. Nice thigh highs.

Dick Turpin, new leader of the Essex Gang.
You've probably heard of me.

Get out my face.

Right, it'd be nice
if you didn't get us killed

until at least your third day in charge.

Nell, Nell, Nell!

Can I have some money for raffle tickets, please?

Please, please. I'm begging you.

I'm sorry,
can everyone stop being so embarrassing?

Guys! Over here!

I've got us a booth.

God, I hate this gang.

- Dick Turpin!
- Eliza.

Your daring escape from Tyburn
was quite the hit with my reader.

- In fact, so much so, I now have readers.
- Wow.

- So people like me?
- But they love you.

You keep risking your life with
increasingly action-packed adventures,

and soon we'll have
the best-selling pamphlet in the world.

Or at least the village.

I'm gonna be famous.

- Okay.
- Oh, my God. What's happening now?

I'm working on
that balaclava I promised you.

I'm at a crucial stage actually.

Do you want eyeholes or a slot?

What I want is
for you not to draw attention to us, okay?

Highwaymen murder and rob.

They don't knit.

Well, maybe they should learn.

Because needlecraft
can come in quite handy sometimes.

- Dick, you're alive!
- Little Karen.

This round's on me.
What can I get you guys?

Yeah-- Four tankards of your strongest ale
please, bar wench,

- and a big, massive bowl of pork.
- Great.

I'll probably just get a herbal tea.
Peppermint if you've got.

Same. In fact, should we share a pot?

Yeah. And one of
those hard Italian biscuits that I like.

Coming right up.

What is that over there?

They're the highwayman charts.

They tot up all the gangs' stolen loot,
their kill count and scare factor.

Yeah, and then they rank them
from best gang to--

to not-so-best gang.

- What position are we?
- Since you took over, 49th.

We made the top 50. That's incredible.

Yeah, it's out of 50.

What,
so there's only one other gang below us?

- Who's that?
- The Dooberry Brothers.

Hey.

Idiots.

Who's number one?

Them. The Hellhounds.

And that's their leader, Leslie Duval.

He's the toughest highwayman
in the whole flat world.

I mean, he's incredible.

He's like my highwayman hero.

He's basically the opposite of you.

Well, in that case,
I should probably ask him for some advice.

- Hey, Lezza! Over here!
- No, Dick, don't!

Faux pas?

Hi. Dick Turpin.
New leader of the Essex Gang.

Yeah, I know who you are, you prick.

I've seen you prancing around
in your funny shirts.

Really? Which one? The ruffle ruche frill?

Or maybe he's talking about
the beautiful blousy one.

The one with a pussy bow.

- Are you knitting?
- Yeah, why? Do you want anything?

I could probably pump you out
some leg warmers.

I'm pretty quick on the needles.

Dear, oh, dear, Nell.

What are you doing
working for a bellend like this?

Bellend is very good. I like that.

He actually killed Tom King.

So, he's kind of our leader now, and--

Bollocks.

Tom King wouldn't let himself
get killed by a foppy tit like him.

Well, he did actually.
I shot him in the face.

Yeah, yeah. He shot his face right off.

Right off.

Right off his skull.

Traveled through the air,
landed on a tree.

At one point,
it looked like the tree had a face.

Imagine that.

Jesus, Nell, I'm embarrassed for you.

Come and see me.
Come and work for a proper gang.

Nell's in a proper gang. The Essex Gang.

And we're just as tough
as any other gang in here.

Here's your peppermint tea, Dick.

Put a splash of honey in it.

- I know you got a scratchy throat.
- Thanks, Little Karen.

Christ, what a sorry leader you are.

Last thing I heard, you were robbing
some small-time warlock called Craig.

Yeah. Well, that was a mistake.

We've got a new vision now.

Bigger, sexier robberies.

- You're ready for the big one, are ya?
- Yeah. The big, sexy one.

Yeah? How big?

As big as you can go.

Then why don't you rob
the Unrobbable Coach?

You'd have to be a madman.

Maybe I will.

What is the Unrobbable Coach?

They say it carries an emerald
the size of a monkey's fist.

How big is that?
There are various-sized monkeys.

It's about yay big.

The monkey? That's quite small.

The fist, you twat.
Not the monkey. The fist.

That makes more sense. Okay, we're in.

That's exactly the kind of robbery
I'm talking about.

Super sexy, big monkey fist robberies.

It rides past the big sycamore tree
every night at midnight.

Let's see if you've got the balls
to rob it.

We've got the balls.

Well, we'll see about that.

- We will see.
- Will we though?

- Yeah, we will.
- Off you go then.

- Which one's the sycamore tree again?
- The big, shiny one by the church.

I knew that.

Okay, I'll see you in a bit, yeah?

You know, I heard this coach is cursed.
That's a bad thing, right?

It better not be. I had one request
when I joined this gang: Not to be cursed.

I was very clear
about how little I wanted to be cursed.

Trust me, Moose.
It's not gonna be cursed, is it?

Spot on again, Dick.
Looks completely fine.

- After you.
- I got this.

Stand and deliver.

Please?

Honesty, let's go.

Sweet.

So, long shift?

Managed to get away this year?

Wow. It's incredible.

And it really is
as big as a monkey's fist. Look.

Oh, yeah.

Dick. Dick! What's going on?

Dick!

Oh, my God.

Dick. Dick, what's happening?

Fools.

No one robs the Unrobbable Coach.

You touch the emerald
and you become the driver.

What? Dick?

Forty-three years I've driven that coach,
but now I'm free.

Free to make love to your sweet wife
and punch your children

- and eat all of your cheese.
- Dick!

Stop it! Stop the coach!
You gotta do something.

There's nothing you can do.

He's trapped, as only an imbecile tries
to rob the Unrobbable Coach.

Surely you robbed it at some point though.

Well, yes, but it was a lesser known thing
when I did it.

To touch it now,
you'd have to be an imbecile.

An absolute imbecile, I say.

All right. You already said that.

Imbecile. Imbecile. Imbecile.

How'd that work out for ya?

Not great, actually.

As soon as Honesty touched the emerald,
he became the driver.

Well, of course he did, you plum.

That's what happens when
you rob the Unrobbable Coach.

Only an imbecile wouldn't know that.

Can everyone stop saying that?

I've seen some shoddy highway gangs
in my time.

But you lot, you really are the worst.

Second worst, actually.

Not anymore.

Ruddy Dooberry Brothers.

Nell, how many times
you gonna let yourself get humiliated?

Join us. Our top marksman Mad Rosie,
she's lost an eye.

She's useless now,
depth perception's all over the shop.

Come on.

Me? A Hellhound?

That's literally
everything I've ever wanted.

Nell, you can't leave the gang.
I haven't even finished your balaclava.

I don't want a balaclava.

Maybe he could
turn it into a little fanny pack

for all your bits and bobs.

You're not a highwayman, Dick.

The sooner you accept that, the better.

Go, Hellhounds!

Where's the little bird?

There he is.

Is there a vegan option?

So, according to this "pamplet,"
you're a highwayman now.

The lowliest of all criminal professions.

How goes it?

It's going pretty well, actually.
We're smashing it.

Well, we've lost half our gang,
Mr. Turpin.

And we're bottom of the highwayman charts.

Even the Dooberry Brothers
are ahead of us.

It's a complete and utter mess.

Yeah, all right, Moose.

People don't need to know the details,
do they?

So, you got yourself involved
in some kind of debacle?

Yeah, it was really weird.

I mean, we tried to rob this cursed coach
and then Honesty became the driver.

- You tried to rob the Unrobbable Coach?
- Yeah.

Only an imbecile would try and rob
the Unrobbable Coach.

Benny! Are you hearing this?
He only tried to rob the Unrobbable Coach.

Only an imbecile would try and rob
the Unrobbable Coach.

How do you two even know
about the Unrobbable Coach?

Everyone knows about the Unrobbable Coach.

Does everyone know
about the Unrobbable Coach?

Yeah, everyone knows
about the Unrobbable Coach.

- It's cursed.
- It's cursed.

- It's cursed.
- Yeah, I know it's cursed.

As soon as you touch it,
you become the driver.

Yeah, I know. It's already happened.

We've got to get Nell and Honesty back.

Or we leave them and form a new gang.

Just the two of us.

We could call ourselves
the Best Friend Boys.

We can't leave Honesty
trapped on a cursed coach.

Why not? Maybe he's enjoying it.

Come on, guys. Think. There's got to be
someone who knows how to lift the curse.

What about that chubby little hamster guy
we robbed?

- Craig. The warlock.
- Craig?

- From Wiglow Woods?
- Yeah.

The one who's into
all that "mumble jumble"?

He's not a warlock.

He's a charlatan.

He is a warlock.
I saw him levitating once.

He was jumping, Benny.

Look, don't be taken in
by all this "hocle-pocle," Son.

Come back to the butcher's
and work for me-- at.

No, Dad. I've gotta rescue Honesty.

Then maybe Nell will rejoin
and I can give her her balaclava.

I trust you're going for eyeholes, Son,
and not a slot.

Remember what I always said:
A slot will hold its shape not.

Okay. I think we're about done here.
Let's go, Moose.

- Nice one, Toby!
- Bull's eye!

Hell of a gang you've got here.

Yeah, so it should be.

I only recruit the meanest,
most vicious scoundrels around.

He ate his own dad.

She kicks orphans.

And this one, he never buys a round.

- Scum.
- Yes.

And this hideout is so hidden.

Bet you hardly get any dog walkers
around here.

Well, anyone who finds this place,
we torture and kill them on the spot.

- So...
- Yeah. Cool, cool, cool.

- Yeah.
- And what do you do with the dogs?

Well, we rehome them. We're not monsters.

Yeah. Of course.

So when's our first big heist, boss man?

Naughty.

Slow your horses, newbie.
You're not a Hellhound yet.

You'll have to compete with that lot
if you want Mad Rosie's slot.

But I quit my old gang.

It wasn't a gang, Nell.
It was a knitting club.

No, no.
I need to make sure you're not rusty.

I'm not rusty. Okay?

I'm, like, the opposite of rusty.

Right.
Well, that did sound quite rusty, so...

Okay, fine. That was quite rusty.

But trust me,
these chancers don't stand a chance.

Wiglow Woods is massive.

There's no way we're gonna find him.

- That's him there, innit?
- Oh, yeah. That is him.

Okay. This guy probably hates us,
so we're gonna have to charm him hard.

- Let me deal with this.
- Okay.

- Who goes there?
- Don't worry, it's just us.

The guys who robbed you earlier.

- Moose.
- Stay away from me.

You roughed me up.
You said you were gonna eat my face.

- Help!
- Calm down.

You'll only wet yourself again.

I didn't wet myself.
It was a yellow potion.

It was just a bit of leakage. Help!

You're snagged on a rock.
Let me get that for you.

You're gonna tear the fabric.

Okay, you're free.

But before you scamper off,
can I just say, I love that cloak.

Big fan of that cloak.

But it's the wrong length for you.
Won't you let me take it up?

I brought my sewing machine.

Yeah. Sure. Why not?

In your dreams, you weird goth!

It's happened again.

So, what I've done is
taken it up to your mid-calf,

which I find to be
the optimum cloak length.

I've also added a new clasp
at the front to stop it bursting open.

Wow. And I thought I was
supposed to be the wizard.

Now your magic amulet can go over the top.

I bet it used to get caught
on that rusty old fastener.

You know what?
It did get caught on the fastener.

All the bloody time.

So, basically the order is cloak first,
then amulet then antlers.

Cloak, magic amulet, antlers.

Wow. You've really helped me out.

- All's forgiven.
- Thanks, mate.

I really hate to ask, but do you
think you could return the favor?

Welcome to my workshop, The Enchanted Oak.

Wow. Now, this is a secret hideout.

No one's finding this place.

Morning, Craig.

Hiya, Linda!

And then he became the driver,
and it took off into the night.

Those mythical vehicles are a menace.

Let me see what I can find.

I think I've got a book
around here somewhere.

This place is so cool.

The magic never ends.

All right. Let's have a look.

"The Possessed Donkey Cart." No.

"The Enchanted Roller Skate."

"The Haunted Canoe." No.

Here it is. The Unrobbable Coach.

All right. I'm just gonna do
my warlock voice, if you don't mind.

"There was once a baron

who bought his wife a green emerald
the size of a monkey's fist.

- The night before"--
- Craig, can I just stop you there?

- Yeah? Thank you.
- I love that voice.

It's just,
I'm finding it a little bit distracting.

I'm not really taking in
any of the information.

Yeah. Sorry, I'll just do my normal voice.

It was actually
really hurting my throat as well.

- Okay. If you could.
- Okay.

"There was once a baron
who bought his wife a green emerald

the size of a monkey's fist.

The night before he gave it to her,

she was murdered
by a highwayman seeking the stone."

"Enraged, the baron hired
a sorcerer to curse the emerald

to entrap the highwayman responsible"...

"and punish him for all eternity."

This is all great backstory, but does
it say anything about freeing the driver?

It says here the baron also created
a pair of special mittens

to allow you to touch the emerald
without becoming trapped yourself.

We need to get those mittens.

- They could be the key to saving Honesty.
- Yeah.

Or we sell the emerald
and retire to Shropshire.

Just the two of us.

Craig, where are these mittens?

The mittens are buried
at the family crypt,

guarded by the ghost of the baron himself.

Don't play around with that, mate.
It's got really weird batteries

that are hard to find.

There are four trials.

The winner becomes
a fully-fledged member of the Hellhounds.

That slot's mine.

Over my rotting dead corpse.

Even better.

Trial one.
Aim like your life depends on it.

Because it does.

Trial two.

Load and fire your gun...

before I fire mine.

Trial three. Grab the loot and go.

The loser, you guessed it, dies

Bye-bye, Kevin.

And then there were two.

This must be it.

Dick, you heard
about my not being cursed rule, right?

It's just this place seems very "curse-y."

Come on. It's not that "curse-y."

Very "curse-y."

Okay, yeah. That was a tad "curse-y."

Dick.
It's getting "curse-ier" and "curse-ier."

I don't like this, Dick.

It's giving me the heebie-jeebies.

Come on. Help me get this off.

This must be the baron's stuff.

He likes cricket.

For long journeys.

No mittens though.

Who dares disturb my eternal slumber?

Dick, the mittens.

You're the baron.
You built the Unrobbable Coach.

To ensnare the bastard highwayman
who killed my beloved.

I despise highwaymen.
May they rest in eternal damnation.

May their graves be unmarked
and their genitals shrivel and drop off.

- What is it you do?
- We're highwaymen.

What?

No. He said, "Haway, man."

- He's from Newcastle, like.
- No.

Wey, wey. Wey aye, pet.

Prepare to die.

Hold on. I'll get my grip,
and then I will take revenge.

What are you doing, Gerald?

Are you trying to avenge me again?

Of course. I will not rest
until those damned highwaymen are--

Dear God.
It's been 150 years. Move on, man.

- You're obsessed.
- I'm not obsessed. I'm passionate.

All you ever do is bang on about
the highwaymen and, oh, the stupid ruby.

It was an emerald and you know it.

The size of a monkey's fist
because you love monkeys.

I said I liked monkeys one time.

Look, I'm trying to do something nice
for you. All right?

Would you just let me slaughter these men.

For God's sake.

Guys, come on.
I can see what's happening here.

Baroness, he's only obsessed
with avenging you because he cares.

That's his love language.

And Baron, the baroness
doesn't want big fancy gestures.

She just wants you to be more present
and put the past behind you.

So, you're saying
I should let go of the mittens.

So you get it when he says it.

Why don't you give the mittens to me?
And then you can finally move on.

I suppose it is hard to pick things up
wearing them.

Also trying to be scary.

Got mittens on. It's impossible.

- How about I give you just one?
- I mean, they're attached.

So, unless you wanna come with us,
probably gonna be a bit tricky.

Go on.

Oh, my God.

Nell.

What took you so long?

Been doing that for about two hours.

What are you doing here, Dick?
What bird was that supposed to be?

It's just general forest atmos.

Look, I know I messed up, Nell,
but I've got a plan to rescue Honesty

and get that emerald
the size of a monkey's fist.

But I need you back in the gang.

I'm in a gang, Dick.

A proper gang led by
an insane murderous psychopath,

which is something I've always wanted.

- You don't look very happy.
- That's just my face.

Bye, Dick.

Hey, Nell. I almost forgot.

I finished your balaclava.

I went with eyeholes in the end.

Slot looked ridiculous.

Right. Thanks.

Nell.

Take care, yeah?

Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Bye.

B-- Yeah, I'm not doing that.

Next challenge. Get over here, maggots.

Coming, Leslie! I mean, boss!

The final trial is information.

Half this game is knowing who to rob.

Every good heist target, I put it in here.

Along with a collection of
romantic stories I've been working on.

You add to it and you're in.

Let's hear what you've got.

He was an older off-limits lord

and she was the village milkmaid.

But when he looked at her, my God,

she burned hotter
than the blacksmith's forge.

I like it.

Steamy premise.

- It's going in the book.
- Yes!

Nell?

Okay. Yeah.

He is a strong gravedigger,

and she is a...

well, buxom security guard.

And their schedules keep clashing
so they never get to kiss.

Well, it's terrible.

It's not romantic at all.

- You better have a good heist target.
- Yeah, let me think. Targets.

Yeah. I actually-- Wait.

What if I got you
that emerald the size of a monkey's fist?

- How did it go?
- Not great. She's not coming back.

Best Friend Boys it is.

Honesty, don't worry.
We're gonna get you off there.

- You're looking great, by the way.
- Yeah?

I'll be taking those.

I'm about to succeed where
three generations of Duvals have failed.

What?

My great-grandfather killed
the baroness looking for this... emerald.

Get out my way.

Come here you little beauty.

What? What's happening?

But I was wearing the mittens.

Those aren't the real mittens.
I knitted those.

These beauties are the real mittens.

Only an imbecile would take those mittens,
the ones I knitted,

thinking they were the real mittens.

Oi, Turpin, drop the emerald.

Not so fast. Yeah.

That's the coolest thing I've ever done.

- So, you got my message then?
- What message?

Have you been exchanging messages
behind my back?

The one I sewed inside the balaclava.

Told you needlecraft would come in handy.

I'm still not wearing
that balaclava, okay?

Go finish your romance novel.

- Honesty.
- Yeah?

- How are you doing, mate?
- I need a drink.

And some lip balm.

Well done, Dick. That was incredible.

I've tripled my pamphlet sales.
I've got six readers.

Wow. How did you get it out so quickly?

I was watching you from the bushes.

- Slightly creepy.
- Look.

They're updating the highwayman charts.

Nineteen!

- Nice one, Dick!
- Top 20!

All right. I'll take it.

This is just the start, Dick.

- You'll need to pay for those, by the way.
- What?

Here's your cardi, Slasher.

Thanks, Dick. So snuggly.

Anyone else want anything?

Chunky turtleneck for hangings?
Stop the rope chafing.

- Yeah, I'll have one.
- I'll take one of those!

Okay, fine.
Maybe you are a highwayman, Dick.

- Sorry, what was that?
- Absolutely nothing.

Sir. Sir, I found them.

- The Essex Gang? You have them?
- No, sir.

Different colored pins for the map.

For the love of God.

- Slake, prepare my horse.
- Yes.

If a job's worth doing, do it yourself.

I won't rest until I've
got this Dick firmly in my grasp.

It's really not that funny, Christopher.