All language subtitles for The.Andy.Baker.Tape.2021.WEBRip.x264-RARBG.Hi

(logo music)

(car radio music)

(muffled laughter)

What's up guys?

Jeff Blake coming in hot

and holy shit do I have an
exciting day planned for us.

Fuck.

I got to remember I can't curse

once I get put on the air.

Shit, shit, shit,

shit, shit, shit.

Ah let me get this out of my
system

while I'm still on YouTube.

What can I say? I'm a Jersey
guy.

This is my poetry.

All right, guys.

Let's get away from our
usual taste and tell format

and,

all right, guys,

let's get away from our
usual taste and tell format

and dive little deeper
into my family history.

So, come with me on a trip

down to the "Blueberry
Capital of the World."

Hammonton, New Jersey.

Some of you guys might remember,

but it's been a little over a
year

since I lost my father to a car
accident.

Growing up,

I never met anyone from
his side of the family.

So in attempt to learn
anything about his childhood,

I figured why not use Ancestry
and Me

to try to locate any relatives

who could shed some light on his
past.

So I spit in a cup,

I sent it in,

I waited three weeks

and boom I'm paired
with a common ancestor,

meaning I'm blood-related
to someone in their system.

And the story is so insane,
it's gonna blow your mind.

And the story is so fucking
insane,

it's gonna blow your mind.

The story's crazy.

[Announcer] Working around
the clock, 24/7 for you.

Keeping you informed with
breaking news.

♪ No, not what we do

♪ Or do we take heed

♪ Swallow our pride

♪ Forsake our greed

♪ To know deep inside

♪ Hold close to our hearts

♪ The truth is within

♪ Right from the start

This can't be right.

I'm gonna call my guy.

(phone ringing)

Hi.

You've reached the
voicemail of Andy Baker,

if this is about shop work,

please leave a message

and I'll get back to you
as soon as I can, bye.

Hey Andy. It's Jeff.

I made it down here.

I guess I have myself just
a little bit turned around.

I'm trying to find the spot.

So just call me back and
let me know where to go.

Well, this is great.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Sorry, I was taking a shit,
you close?

Beautiful.

So yeah, I made a right at
O'Brien,

and I think I'm lost.

Don't you have Google Maps?

Yeah, I have.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What?

Sure.

I'm sorry,

do you have something for me or?

Yeah, hold on, give me a
second.

I have no idea what's
going on right now.

Hey.

[Jeff] Ooh.

Hey Jeff. It's Andy.

I'm sorry, man.

I just thought it'd be
funny to give you a scare.

You okay?

[Jeff] Yeah. You got me.

I did, didn't I?

[Jeff] Yeah.

You wanna come out?

Give me a hug or something.

I tested negative for COVID last
week.

[Jeff] All right.

Wow,

is that what you use
to film the show with?

[Jeff] Yeah.

May I?

[Jeff] Sure, just be careful.

I will, of course.

This is official.

It's heavy.

How much she set you back?

[Jeff] Enough.

[Andy] Look at all this stuff.

You know actually, none
of the guys on my channel

know who you are yet.

[Andy] What do you mean?

On the show.

[Andy] Are you rolling?

I'm always rolling here, come
here.

Hey guys, Jeff Blake here

and let's get to the bottom

of the whole mystery of why
I took you out here today.

It's with absolute pleasure

that I get to introduce
you to my new half brother,

Andy Baker.

Say something.

I wish I wore a nicer shirt.

(both laughing)

He's a natural, it's perfect.

You look authentic, all right.

Hey, look, I live right down
the street.

If you want, I can drive us.

[Jeff] I can handle it.

You don't trust me?

[Jeff] You live out here all
by herself.

Yeah, most of my life now.

Sorry, I can't get over the fact

that I'm related to a celebrity.

[Jeff] I'm not a celebrity.

I just host a YouTube channel.

Oh dude, eating and traveling,

that's a way to make a living.

[Jeff] I wish it was that
easy.

I'm working around the clock.

Editing my videos.

Really?

[Jeff] Yeah, but,

can you stop for one second?

Do you mind pulling this over?

Right here?

[Jeff] Yeah, do me a favor.

Do me a favor, take this.

Turn it on me.

[Jeff] You got it?

Yeah. It's good.

What's up guys.

Just want you to know

that last week I got the call,

and I just optioned by the Food
Network.

Yeah, that's right.

We're in preliminary
negotiations

and there's a really good chance

they're gonna produce me full
time.

[Andy] Holy shit.

Like Anthony Bourdain?

Yeah, just like Anthony
Bordain.

[Andy] Oh my God, dude.

That's amazing.

You must be thrilled.

It's not yet done,
you're blocking my view.

You're blocking me from the
camera.

I mean, it's not a done deal
yet.

You know,

I have two weeks to get together
my best stuff into a pilot.

[Andy] What the hell are
you doing here with me?

This is an amazing story.

I figured I could use
some of this footage.

[Andy] You're gonna put me in
your show?

Yeah. If you're interesting.

[Andy] I can be interesting.
(laughing)

Are you hungry?

I can cook us up something.

[Jeff] There's no good
restaurants for us to film in?

No man, it's all trash.

Oh, there's Cracker Barrel,

but I'm a great cook.

[Jeff] This is it?

Yeah, man.

Home sweet home.

Look it's me and a live
action Bernstein Bear.

(tap water babbling)

Want something to drink?

[Andy] I love Italian.

Let me get you in focus.

You ever play Fruit Ninja?

The phone game?

Yeah.

Lob me that.

You throw that knife at me,
there's gonna be a problem.

I'm not gonna throw the
knife at you, I swear.

All right, here we have
a Florida Navel Orange.

Oh wow.

You wanna try it?

Yeah.

Use the same one.

I feel like Freddy Krueger.

Choke up on the handle a
little bit,

so you're pinching the blade.

Pinch the blade.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What else we got?

Oh yeah?

(both laughing)

Pirates of the Caribbean over
here.

Throwing and running.

Nice and high.

I'm throwing and running nice
and high.

Yeah.

You're ready?

Oh my gosh.

That's good?

Yeah.

I'm not gonna get tetanus?

I don't think so.

(Andy laughing)

Oh my God.

Look how juicy that is.

This is beautiful.

You're making me
nervous by going out here.

You get your line.

I got it.

All right. All right.

All right.

Yeah.

(Andy laughing)

See that people.

That's it.

That's how it's done.

Nice.

Step ahead.

I think you're gonna love
where I'm taking you.

[Jeff] We're not there yet?

Loosen up a bit man,

this is the perfect way
to spend an afternoon.

I'm usually skipping out of the
garage

to hit the trails.

[Jeff] Garage?

Yeah.

I work as a mechanic,

a couple of local shops in town.

And then on weekends

I try to pick up stuff from
online forums.

Of course, yeah.

Get you in there a little bit.

[Andy] Do you always work
alone?

Yeah, I like to travel light.

[Andy] What about
when you get picked up?

Oh, that'll be different.

Then I'll have a whole
production team working with me.

[Andy] Big shot.

Like I said, I don't have the
deal yet.

[Andy] Anything I can do to
help?

Yeah, just keep filming my
good side.

This is it?

[Andy] Yeah.

What do you think?

It's pretty cool, huh?

Yeah.

It's great.

What is it?

Is that a water tower?

[Andy] It is, yeah.

You hear that?

Yeah.

[Andy] That's cool. Right?

Oh yeah, it's like liquid
gold.

What are you doing?

(Andy laughs)

Oh shit.

(Andy drumming)

It's just like a Moss.

[Jeff] What is that.
(screaming)

I got you.
(Jeff laughing)

You got me.

You got me, man.

I didn't think you were
actually gonna come.

[Jeff] Why is that?

Given the situation,

your dad and my mom, the affair.

[Jeff] None of that was your
fault.

Yeah, I guess.

I'm just glad you decided not
to cut me out of your life.

How did you handle the news?

[Jeff] About you?

Yeah, really,

about him lying.

Keeping me a secret all these
years.

Andy, we don't even know for
sure that he knew about you.

You believe that?

Yeah, he was a pretty
honorable guy.

I'll have to take your word
for it.

Anyway today is about us.

Yeah?

(birds chirping)

I'm getting pretty hungry.

You wanna grab something to eat?

I already made you lunch.

That wasn't food.

You got anything in mind?

I saw a little spot on the
ride in

[Cashier] Here you go.

[Jeff] Thanks so much.

[Cashier] You're very welcome.

[Jeff] I won't.

I'll be very careful.

Are you gonna be in there too?

We're doing the whole thing,

we're framed up.

We're good to go, ready?

Yeah.

What's up guys?

Jeff Blake here out on the farm

and I got a special guest
host today, my half-brother.

We got ourselves a nice little
feast here,

from where we at?

Walden's Turkey Farm?

Yeah. I never knew this place
existed.

What's your favorite TV show?

Hands down "Miami Vice."

We've got to get you one of
those suits.

One of those nice pink lavender
suits,

with a blue shirt popping out.

Shave that beard off, grow your
hair out.

No, you don't like my beard?

I love it.

But in 1980's Miami,

no one had a beard.

I bet someone had a beard.

Yeah, but Sonny Crockett
didn't have a beard.

Who's that?

Sonny Crockett? Come on.

Don Johnson.

Was that from the TV show?

Don Johnson. "Sonny Crockett."

Miami vice?

Oh yeah.

Don Johnson had these gold
flowing locks.

He had these steely blue eyes.

Don Johnson is like the king of
shaking,

as he's acting.

It's boom, boom, boom, boom,
boom.

Take some more.

No, no, no, no, please.

Come on, enjoy it.

You liked it.

I don't wanna take your food,
man.

You're not taking,

come on, it's a meal
between brothers, have some.

Well our light just died.

Where's that clip?

Here we go.

[Andy] It's still recording,
isn't it?

Set it right there.

[Andy] There?

Yeah. That's great.

So where else are you
going for the pilot?

Right now it's total crunch
time.

I'm going to Baltimore this
weekend,

then up to Vermont right after.

Baltimore?

I got a gig coming up in Glen
Burnie.

Wait no shit.

Yeah, one of the guys
from the online forums

needs help installing a
transaxle in his old Fiero.

When are you going?

I'm leaving Thursday morning.

Dude, my guy wants it done on
Friday.

We should carpool.

Oh yeah, I'd a hundred percent
say yeah,

but with the network deal,

I can't really lose any time.

Oh, you won't lose time, man.

I'll help you out.

We'll save time.

I just work a little better on
my own.

Okay.

I'll find you and have this
quick turnaround, definitely.

I'm not gonna beg you, man.

If you change your mind,
you know where to find me.

I appreciate that.

You better.

I had a real great time today,
man.

Yeah, I did too.

Thank you.

Well good luck and drive safe
man.

Thanks.

(soft gentle music)

Well guys, it could have
gone any number of ways,

but I think it went as
well as it could have.

Yeah, it was actually pretty
good.

Oh shit.

Couple of technical
difficulties,

but we're back up and running.

Up next, I'm heading down to
Baltimore

to get myself some,

oh damn this thing.

Perfect.

Fuck.

Okay guys.

"Burgers and Brothers,"

the title of my memoir.

(car horn honking)

Hey, fuck you!

[Andy] What you get lost
again?

Yeah. It's a maze down here.

Listen, if you want that
ride down for the gig man,

we can work something out.

[Andy] Yeah. I wouldn't be in
the way?

No, the truth is

you were actually kind
of a big help today.

[Andy] Well I'm in.

Okay, then it's settled.

We got to stay focused all
right,

it's still have crunch time for
me.

Yeah man, I won't let you
down.

Sounds good at nine?

I'll be ready at eight.

Eight it is.

Hey man. You ready to rock and
roll?

Just wanna do a good job.

Are you gonna let me drive?

[Jeff] You're supposed
to be my camera man.

I thought you wanted
to get there on time?

All right, that's recording.

Set.

Action.

Alright.

Dashboard cam check.

So how do I look?

You look fucking great, man.

All right that's one more
thing,

We can't curse with the Network
watching.

Oh shit, fuck.

I'll start this one over,

Dashboard cam check.

Nice Andy, how do I look like?

Like a star.

Oh that's the answer I'm
looking for.

Okay, boss,

so what else am I doing?

This part is kind of simple,
all right?

Why don't you just riff with me,

let's see what we can come up
with.

Oh no, no.

Oh Yeah, yeah.

Come on, let's have some fun,
all right.

What's up guys?

Jeff Blake back on the road
again.

This time with my new guest
host the notorious Andy Baker.

Andy give the people some love.

As you see,

he's a little too
excited for his own good,

but he's doing great so far.

Guys, it's soft shell crab
season,

we're heading right down to
Baltimore.

Jeff, I don't like to be
put on the spot like this.

You're not on the spot,

hey, you're doing great.

Keep this going.
Can we reset it?

I want us to go over,
I just feel a little-

- Guys, soft shell crabs,

Andy, come on can we have some
fun-

- Can I just reset it?

(camera beeping)

Stop.

What the fuck was that?

I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to knock it down.

It's supposed to be funny.

You can't be knocking
the equipment around.

I asked you to stop. I can't
do this.

You gotta be more careful,
okay?

Are you mad?

No, I'm not.

I can't afford to let this
stuff get broken, okay?

It's all I have right now.

I understand.

Yeah. Just take a breath next
time.

Let me get it.

Just like that.

Nice, it's tricky.

Hey man.

I'm sorry I snapped.

I'm sorry too, man.

Hey, do you think he'd be happy
to see us working together?

Who?

Your dad?

I don't know. I think it
might be kind of weird for him.

[Andy] Did he ever hit you?

What?

[Andy] Your dad?

I wanna know what kind of guy he
was.

Where did that come from?

[Andy] The way you
snapped earlier, just,

I've seen that kind of anger
before.

He wasn't like that at all,
okay?

He was great to me.

All right, he was there
every step of the way

when I started out.

He even got me this watch

when my channel hit a
hundred thousand subscribers.

[Andy] That's a hell of a
timepiece.

Yeah and he got himself
a matching one too.

I never saw him take it off.

That's us

when I was a little.

[Andy] Sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry he wasn't there for
you.

[Andy] Nothing I can do about
that now,

besides I've got the next best
thing.

Do you mind pulling over a
second?

I've just got something
I want to show you.

Yeah. Okay.

(Jeff laughing)

(Andy laughing)

I can't believe you got that
made.

[Andy] It's pretty fucking
great, huh?

[Jeff] Yeah.

[Andy] Oh, sorry I cursed.

[Jeff] No, it's okay.
I'm gonna beep that out.

That's for you.

(Andy chuckles)

what do you think?

It's not a watch, but
I think I nailed it.

It's kind of itchy.

We're gonna wear these all week?

No, we're not.

Loosen up, man.

Oh, I'm loose.

You're a little rigid.

This is for sound.

Alright guys.

Jeff Blake here down at the
Jersey Shore,

at one of the most revered
seafood restaurants

across the...

Back on me Andy, back on me.

That's good. One more time.

[Andy] Hold on, you're not...

Get me focused.

[Andy] Okay, gotcha.

All right guys.

Andy, bring it back.

I wanna get this.

[Andy] It's not staying.

Underneath.

[Andy] This one?

Yeah, now lock it down.

[Andy] Oh shit.

What's up guys.

Jeff Blake here down in
Wildwood, New Jersey,

at one of the world's most
revered seafood restaurants.

Captain Ray's Lobster Bucket

and let's dive on in.

Keep it up.

Stop moving it.

Keep it straight on, okay?

What's up guys?

Jeff Blake down in Wildwood, New
Jersey

at one of the country's most
revered seafood restaurants.

Captain Ray's Lobster Bucket,

and we're ready to dive in,
right?

Andy?

You hungry?

Oh, what do you want me to say
now?

Yes.

You ready?

[Andy] Recording.

Guys,

the ocean is home to many of our
friends,

tuna, lobster, oysters.

Captain Ray's Lobster Bucket.

And we are in business, my
friend.

I mean, that is fresh caught
this morning.

You can tell, look at that.

I mean, there was nothing
frozen about that at all.

Seagulls be gone.

It is like an Alfred Hitchcock
movie out here right now.

How good was that first bite?

You ate that whole thing
already?

Oh, all right.

It's a seagull war zone.

Andy can you pan and get
me feeding the seagulls?

Sorry.

It's all right, don't do it
again.

He got it.

He got it mid air.

Did you see it?

He got it mid air.

(both laughing)

It feels good to do a good day's
work.

We got some good stuff today.

Yeah.

Lot of fun.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Can't wait for you guys to
see what we got coming up next.

(Andy laughing)

I'm ripping this thing off.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Hey, what time is your
guy expecting you tomorrow?

[Andy] Oh, I can get there
whenever.

Honestly I'd rather stay
here and shoot this with you.

Yeah, glad you're having fun.

[Andy] Oh, this is amazing.

I got a couple of different
ideas

that I can add to this show,

maybe even I can give
co-hosting another shot.

Yeah, it's definitely
something to think about.

[Andy] What's there to think
about?

We make a great team.

You know, the network gave me
that deal.

I can't really change
things on them last minute.

[Andy] They would eat
this kind of thing up.

Maybe when I'm a little
bit more established.

The ocean is home to many of our
friends,

tuna lobster, oysters.

You planning on following me
with this thing all night?

[Andy] I don't think
we need the network, man.

You could just cut them out
and take all the profit.

Well, who's gonna put me on
the air?

[Andy] You can keep it on
YouTube.

So you want me to throw away
the chance of my own TV show?

[Andy] No, man.

I just think you can be
smarter about your control.

They'll take away all
your fucking freedom.

Andy, language.

All right, come on.

I wanna go to bed.

[Andy] This is a
historic moment, brother.

Somebody's got to capture
behind the scenes.

Andy, that's enough.

(Andy whistling)

Turn the camera off, please.

[Andy] We have the wild
Jeff closing in on his prey.

When I say stop, you gotta
stop.

It's not a toy.

Okay.

I'm just playing around.

[Jeff] It's not play time,
okay?

I'm trying to brush my
teeth and get ready for bed.

I don't need this bullshit
at the end of the day.

So you wanna schedule
a time for bullshit or?

[Jeff] Okay, how do you like
it? Huh?

How do you like it?

It's not that funny, is it?

Why are you so angry?

I'm not.

I just have a lot in my mind.

And you're throwing me all
sorts of curve balls, okay?

Look, I'm just tired and
stressed.

I don't mean to snap.

I'm only here to help.

I know you are Andy.

You know why don't we
get her powered down.

We'll get the batteries charged.

We both had a really long day.

Let's go, Andy.

I wanna get there by noon.

Andy, get me coming out the
front door one more time,

then we'll cut right into
the bagels. all right?

[Andy] Okay.

You good?

[Andy] Yeah.

Breakfast and Java,
my parting gift to you.

Fuck, goddamn it.

Oh man, we gotta get this thing
detailed.

Cut this. Cut.

Cut.

We're good?

Andy turn the light on.

Okay, after a little morning
mayhem.

We're about to dive into
these...

Let's get off this main road.

You got that?

[Andy] You want me to keep
rolling?

Yeah, keep this going.

We get everything that we
need and then we're done.

Bigfoot's backyard.

All right guys.

Let's crack these open.

Oh Andy.

Andy.

It's a baby boy.

It's a baby boy, Andy.

I mean, look at this, Andy.

Look at that, okay.

Bacon, egg, cheddar,
jalapeño on a toasted bagel.

I mean, look at this.

This is like a 1950s, Norman
Rockwell piece of art.

Smell that.

Do you smell that Andy?

My future hangovers are
getting cured as we speak.

Yeah.

Oh yeah.

I mean, this sandwich is money.

This is like a perfect ten,

but the bacon is just a little
bit chewy.

It's almost kind of like an
Irish bacon.

Are you getting that texture,
Andy?

[Andy] I guess.

How are you gonna
pester to be my co-host

if you can't break down
a breakfast sandwich?

Well, you know,

if I'm gonna be critical,

I should take some
accountability too.

We are in South Jersey.

Should've gotten Pork Roll.

That's the head honcho down
here.

And, uh, guys,

you know, I never understood

this whole Pork Roll/ Taylor Ham
debate.

John Taylor invented Pork Roll.

It's called Pork Roll,

people calling a Taylor Ham

are just reading the packaging
wrong.

Let me see this.

Now, Andy,

you are a man of culture and
class.

Do you stand on the right side
of history?

What do you call it?

I don't wanna be a part
of this thing, man.

[Jeff] Well, the second you
begged me for this ride down,

you forfeited your right to
privacy.

Now Pork Roll or Taylor Ham?

I didn't beg you for anything.

What the fuck.

That's the second time you've
been rough with this camera.

I know what you're doing, man.

You're trying to embarrass
me for your show.

You have to treat me with more
respect.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you
taking advantage of me.

That's not what I'm doing.

Yes you are.

I'm only here to help
you get what you want.

Be a good boy, shoot this, say
that,

then you just drop me off.

You forget all about me.

Where is this coming from?

I see right through you, man.

Andy.

Andy.

Andy,

Andy,

Andy, what are you doing?

Come on,

Andy.

Andy, come on.

Andy, this isn't funny, let's
go.

Andy, why are you doing this?

Andy.

Andy?

Andy?

Andy, it's not funny.

Okay, I'm leaving Andy.

Oh.

What are you doing?

Why did you treat me like
that?

[Jeff] Like what Andy?

That's a persona for my show.

Jeff.

[Jeff] What?

I need you to treat
me with more respect.

If you want my help,
I need to be an equal.

[Jeff] Are you kidding me?

We're either partners in this

or you can drop me off right
now.

[Jeff] What's the
address of the job, Andy?

[Andy] How can you be mad at
me

for sticking up for myself?

'Cause I've spent half of the
day

playing hide and go fucking
seek.

Now what's the address?

[Jeff] Wait, wait, wait, Jeff.

[Jeff] Let's go, Andy.

I don't know what the hell is
going on.

But this guy has been in a
screaming match for the last...

Andy.

[Andy] What?
(screaming)

[Jeff] Andy, what's going on,
man?

I'm fucking screwed, man.

I'm so fucking screwed.

That fucking rat had a
change of heart last minute.

He's gonna sell the car for
parts.

I told him I'm here.

I cross state lines to get here,

but he doesn't care.

He's not gonna pay.

I'm fucked dude.

I'm fucked.

What do you need?

What do you need from me?

He was gonna be my ride home,
dude.

I got no job. I got no
prospects.

I'll figure it out.

Do you need money for a bus
ticket?

I don't need money.

I need to catch a break, for
fucking once.

Why don't you take me to a gas
station.

I'll figure it out from there.

I can't believe these forum
guys, man.

These assholes always
leave you in the lurch.

[Jeff] This has happened
before?

All the time.

All the time.

These guys talk a big game
online

and then they get scared to pay
the money.

This was a big job, man.

It was gonna save my ass.

[Jeff] Sounds like a heavy
blow.

I'm in so much debt,
I can hardly breathe.

They wanna take away my house,

take away my car.

Let me throw you some bucks
then.

No man.

I don't wanna be in your way
anymore.

Andy.

You're my brother. All right.

You can come with me the rest of
the day

and then we'll figure this one
out.

I thought you were done with
me?

You got to understand

how important this is to me, all
right?

I have a week and a have to get
this done.

I can't be playing games.

I understand.

Dude. Thank you.

You guys see this guy right
here,

this guy is an absolute star.

Don't get mushy.

Listen, you know, I could
really use your help.

There's a great little barbecue
spot

we can hit before it's not too
late.

[Andy] Jeff man, I'm all
yours.

That's family.

[Jeff] What's our mic gain at?

[Andy] I don't know.

[Jeff] We got a lot of
background noise out here.

Look at this guy.

Burt Reynolds, barbecue
connoisseur.

I'm a little skeptical,

but I have high hopes.

I mean, look at all the people
in line.

It's an hour and a half wait out
here.

Take the mask down, get a whiff.

It's good for you.

You can already smell it.

[Jeff] It's good for you.

No.

Let's un box this,

oh wow.

A lot of packaging for
not a lot of promise here.

We got two things of cole slaw.

What I'm smelling right now

is what Mark Anthony smelled

(Andy laughing)

when he walked into ancient
Egypt

and met Cleopatra.

Oh Andy, it's a homemade sauce.

Shrimp and beans.

The cornerstone of every
delicious meal, guys.

Let's see what we have right now
guys.

Oh yeah.

Rack of ribs.

We got to cut this.

We got to cut this.

You know why, we got to start
eating,

'cause the food's gonna get
cold, Andy.

Andy, are you starting
without me? Come on.

What do we got first?

What'd you dig into first,
shrimp?

You got shrimp, we got beans.

Let's give it a shot,
we got wings over here.

Brother, chicken wings.

You're ready?

Bada bing, bada boom.

I thought it'd be hotter.

Spicy or temperature?

Spicy.

When I was at a Bengali, Deli.

Where was that?

You know, Bangladesh?

It was at a Bengali,

Like it was a deli.

Oh, in Bangladesh?

A Bengali guy-

A Bengali man owned this deli

and he gave me this little jar

he said, "take one of these."

I said, "all right."

I dig in. It's a ghost chili
pepper.

I vomited blood for two days
straight.

I'm not even joking.

It's funny, but it's not funny.

Wow.

Wow.

I'm gonna need a napkin.

Look at this man.

Oh my gosh.

Oh yeah.

Oh, hands down, hands down.

Better than everything else.

The way my wife should
be sweet and smokey.

I don't go to restaurants at
all.

I remember when I was a kid,

there was a restaurant
that was in a train car.

We'll have to get some water
on that.

[Parking Lot Girl 1]
Are you from YouTube?

Yeah.

Yeah, we are.

Going for the Food Network
right now actually.

[Parking Lot Girl 2] Food
Network?

Yeah. It's true.

"Jeff Blake Food Shows"

Check it out, seriously.

Jeff Blake.

[Parking Lot Guy ] Jeff Blake?

Jeff Blake.

Andy, you should be like my
publicist.

You shouldn't even be my...

I'm your partner.

Partner and publicist.

Oh, look at that.

What?

Yeah. Pork and beans, baby.

The beans are amazing.

They we're good.

Yeah.

Did you taste the vinegar?

No, dessert cole slaw.

He said it better than I did,

Dessert cole slaw.

Did you eat it already?

Oh no, don't spit it back out.

That's disgusting.

We're not putting that back.

Andy, we don't do that.

Come on.

Okay guys.

Ready?

I can't even look at you

I'm so upset.

I got it.
(Andy laughing)

So upset, I can't even look at
you.

It's violently upsetting me.

Let's give a shot.

That's cole slaw.

That's definitely cole slaw,
right?

All right. I'm done.

All right. We're good.

Pack us up.

Let's throw this stuff out.

Let's get to the hotel.

I'm full. I'm happy.

[Jeff] I've never
seen you so happy Andy,

in these last two days,

I've never seen you so happy.

I've never eaten so well in my
life.

I think I've gained 35 pounds
today.

I think this stuff is better
than above average sex.

It's better than great sex.

Oh you got to meet some new
women.

I don't know, I'm swimming in
it.

Really?

Nope.

(both laughing)

You know, I think you're
gonna miss me when I'm gone.

That's doubtful.

[Andy] You never told me how
he died.

Dad?

It was a car accident.

Cop on the scene told me he
fell asleep behind the wheel.

Do you hate him?

[Andy] No.

Not anymore.

[Jeff] You know had he known
you,

I think he would have liked you.

Was he a Republican?

[Jeff] Yeah, most people with
money are.

Then I don't think
he would have liked me.

[Jeff] Why do you say that?

Because I'm unemployed and
broke.

[Andy] Don't leave me Jeff.

(shower water pattering)

Andy, where are my things?

Jeff, I have something really
important I gotta tell you.

Okay.

Can you please take a seat?

No I'm ass naked and
soaking wet what's going on?

Please, it's important.

I'm not sitting.

Okay.

These past couple of days
have been really special.

You would agree?

Get to the point.

It's not easy for me to say.

Andy I'm really tired

and it's been a long
day, so what is going on?

Jeff, all your stuff
is locked in the car,

you'll get it back

if you promise me you won't
leave me.

What the fuck is going on?

Just promise me you won't
leave.

Okay. I promise.

And you can't get mad.

Andy!

Okay, okay. I lied to you.

What?

The forum job, it's not real.

I heard you talking on the
phone.

I faked it.

I didn't want the day to end.

So, when you said you
were going to Baltimore,

I thought that would be a great
way

to spend more time together.

When you called me up later,

I didn't know how to tell
you that I made it all up.

I felt trapped.

Andy gave me my keys.

Okay, but you promised
me he wouldn't leave.

Andy give me the keys.

And you can't get mad.

Andy give me the fucking keys.

Jeff.

Andy, give me the fucking...

[Andy] You're gonna thank me
for this.

(Andy laughing)

You did it.
(Andy whispering)

I said, give me the fucking
keys Andy.

[Andy] Please, stop.

Don't take the fucking keys from
me.

Give me my stuff.

Where's my stuff.

Give me the keys.

You crossed the line, Jeff.

What a fucking clown.

Get off the car Andy.

Get off the car.

Get off the car, Andy.

Fucking idiot.

[Announcer] Every angle,
every story line is here.

You're live at the radio
station.

And the home of the Baltimore
Ravens.

Expect more.

From WBAL News Radio 1090.

FM 101.5

And the WBAL radio app.

Yeah.

Hey guys.

Jeff Blake here

and I'm coming to you all
with a pretty heavy heart.

You know,

after all the stuff you guys
have seen these last two weeks,

I'm gonna have to sign
off my channel for good.

Yeah.

Heard that right.

It's a final goodbye.

So I guess I wanna take this
time to just thank you guys.

My fans and my subscribers,

you guys are really the driving
force

that made this channel possible.

And I don't know when,

if ever I'm gonna be
allowed back on YouTube,

after all the stuff you guys
have seen.

There's a pretty big legal
obligation

that I just can't break.

But if you guys wanna
try to keep in touch,

I guess there's really
only one option for us.

Going to just have to get
away from your computer.

Walk over to the couch,

pick up the remote

and tune into me on the Food
Network

because I have just been offered
my show

fully produced for the first
season.

That's right. They loved it.

Okay, they thought I had the
most unique voice on Food

since Paula Dean invented
the Krispy Kreme burger

and the most baffling thing is

that they want Andy too.

You know, they love this
whole brother dynamic.

They thought it had a great
through line.

And I've called the guy
nonstop since I got the offer

and he's not picking up the
phone.

So Andy,

Andy, if you're watching
this, please pick up.

Okay. I know we left
things in weird terms,

but you were right.

They want us together.

Hey guys, Jeff Blake again.

So yeah,

I'm making myself a
little late night steak

and a couple of updates
on what's going on.

So, I have called Andy night
and day since I got the offer,

and he's not picking up
the phone, which sucks.

But the weirdest thing is
that today I come home,

let me show you guys what I
get in the mail, all right?

I mean, what is this?

I mean, it's disturbing, you
know

I don't get why the guy
won't just talk to me, okay?

Yeah. I hit him,

but he lied to me and left me
naked.

I mean, what was I supposed to
do?

(phone ringing)

Hi, you've reached the
voicemail of Andy Baker,

if this is about shop work,

please leave a message

and I'll get back to you as soon
as I can.

Bye.

Andy it's Jeff again.

Pick up the phone.

All right. What are you doing?

You wanted the show too

and now we got a chance to work
together.

Okay, I don't know what this
picture is,

but you and I need to sit down
and talk this out, all right?

Just call me back, please.

(phone ringing)

Hello, Andy.

Andy, we got the show,

Andy, they loved us.

They loved you.

Hello, Andy?

Andy the network's not gonna
make the show

if it's not the both of
us together, all right?

We got to talk this out.

Come on, Andy.

Talk to me.

Andy, why are you doing this?

Andy?

Andy talk to...

(phone beeping)

Fuck!

This got sent to me 20 minutes
ago.

He's been following me the last
two weeks.

Andy are you out here?

Face me like a fucking man.

I mean, this is...

(notification beeping)

"Andy are you out here,
face me like a fucking man."

(door knocking)

[Jeff] Son of a bitch.

[Andy] Wait, I'm here to talk,
dude.

I'm here to talk.

Wait, wait, wait.

Check this out.

Look, I've got this from your
dad, man.

I met him.

What the fuck did you just
say?

I met your dad before he died. I
met him.

He gave me that.

Where did you get this?

I told you-

- Speak up.

I told you, I got it from your
dad.

I met him a few times.

I met up with him.

He was trying to find a
way to tell you about me.

I'm sorry.

Okay. I'm sorry, Man.

I was angry with you,

you left me at a hotel
in another state, okay?

And when you hit me, it hurt.

I've called you the last
two weeks to talk to you

and all you've done, you
sent me the stalker shit.

I know.

I was trying to find a way
to stick up for myself,

but I'm here.

I'm waving the flag, man.

I know I fucked up.

I fucked up too, but
I'm here for the show.

I'm here for you. I
don't wanna let you down.

Stand up.

Stand up.

Are you gonna help me?

Okay. Yeah.

I need a drink.

I can see that.

Are you a whiskey man?

[Andy] No thank you, I'm
driving.

[Jeff] Make yourself at home.

Thanks.

I need to know how you got
this watch.

Bruce tracked me down three
years ago.

I wanted nothing to do with him,

30 years without him.

What the hell does he want from
me now?

First, it was really easy
to ignore his phone calls,

but then he showed up at my shop

and basically forced me into a
lunch.

He told me that my mother
kept me a secret from him.

He said that she wanted
nothing to do with him

after she found out he had
another family.

He said he had no idea I
existed until after she died.

[Jeff] Why did you
keep all this from me?

Because that's a lot to
throw on someone's lap.

I wanted to get to know you
a little bit better first.

[Jeff] Jesus.

I know.

[Jeff] I need that drink.

Maybe I will join you.

Aren't you driving?

I don't think one's gonna kill
me.

Single or double?

I think we're in triple
territory.

Jeff, this is a beautiful
place you got here, man.

[Jeff] Yeah. I got a
bunch of dad's old stuff

after he died.

Was he into antiques?

[Jeff] Yeah, he was a
part-time dealer.

No way.

Are you into them?

No.

(Andy chuckles)

[Jeff] Ah, Fuck, goddamn it.

[Andy] It's okay.

[Jeff] Get the fuck...

[Andy] Breathe Jeffery.

Breathe, Jeff.

You're okay, Jeff.

You're okay, Jeff.

You're all right.

Okay, Jeff.

Okay.

(Andy breathing heavily)

(Andy whistling)

Okay, Jeff wake up.

Come on buddy.

Come on, guy.

Wakey, wakey, eggs and bac-ey.

Oh fuck, did I kill you Jeff?

You scared me, buddy.

Come on, wake up.

Wake up buddy.

Come on, wake up.

There he is.

Oh fuck, dude.

Look what you made me do, man.

I wanted to be family, but you
were not a very good brother.

Get me out of the chair.

Andy, what the fuck are you
doing?

[Andy] I'm trying to film our
show Jeff.

Andy.

Wait Andy, stop.

Put the gun down.

Andy.

[Andy] I got a little game
first.

What are you doing?

Open up.

Stop Andy.

(Jeff choking)

[Andy] Does that taste like
Taylor Ham?

I'm fucking with you
Jeff, stop being so rigid.

(Jeff breathing heavily)

Jeff, no wonder you're hated my
pasta.

You have this gourmet stuff.

Oh my God, you smell that?

Stop.

It's like tomato perfume.

What do you rate this, Jeff?

Oh fuck you, Andy.

Fuck you.
(Andy laughing)

Jeff, this isn't all your
fault, man.

Your father trained you to be
like this.

Violent, selfish,

self-serving.

You know, my mother left
him because he abused her.

You're fucking stupid Jeff.

I found him.

I hunted him down.

He came looking for you.
(Andy laughing)

You ate that shit up, Jeff.

Oh, sure.

He was a fucking saint with no
idea about his long lost son.

He beat my mother and then he
abandoned me

and then I gave him
exactly what he deserved.

He died in a car crash.

An injection a Propofol

would make anybody fall
asleep behind the wheel.

I'll kill you.

I'll fucking kill you.

[Andy] Jeff, we got
to finish the show man.

(Andy lunges)

(Andy whistling)

(machines revving)

I'll kill you.

I'll kill you.

(Jeff screaming)

Get out of here, Andy.

(gun firing)

Fuck.

(Jeff breathing heavily)

Fuck this.

(Jeff breathing heavily)

(suspenseful music)

Siri, call 911.

(phone ringing)

[911 Operator] 911
What's your emergency?

My brother tried to kill me,

he drugged me and he
held a gun to my head.

[911 Operator] Are
you in immediate danger?

No, I'm in my car.

[911 Operator] What is your
name?

Jeff Blake.

[911 Operator] What
is your brother's name?

Andy Baker.

[911 Operator] What is your
address?

I'm on 1300 River Avenue,
Toms River, New Jersey.

[911 Operator] What is
your current location?

I'm on Route 37 somewhere.

I'm going right down the
parkway.

[911 Operator] We are currently
dispatching several units

to your house and your current
location.

I'm gonna ask you to
stay put, is that okay?

Yeah that's fine.

[911 Operator] Sir, can
you describe what happened?

He drugged me and held a gun
to my head.

[911 Operator] Do you
have any other information?

He went crazy, he's a son of a
bitch.

(Jeff choking)

(Andy groaning)

(Jeff chocking)

(Andy screaming)

[Announcer] New Jersey. 101.5

We're in for the rest of the
afternoon into the evening.

Thunderstorm and we're
down dropping into the 40s.

Run to Rita's or a
scrumptious new chocolate,

peanut butter ice; two great
tastes, one awesome ice.

Enjoy a new chocolate
peanut butter ice at Rita's.

Family, right?
(Andy chuckles)

(siren blowing)

[Officer 3011] 3-0-1-1 to
Dispatch,

I've arrived on scene.

[Dispatch] 3-0-1-1 Copy.

[Officer 3011] Is that a
fucking camera?

♪ You can pick a patch
of pickled peppers ♪

♪ You can pick your nose

♪ You can pick the decorations

♪ That displayed around your
home ♪

♪ You can pick your car
or an apple off the tree ♪

♪ But you can't pick your family
♪

♪ At the family dinner table

♪ With all arguments and strife
♪

♪ Everything that made you, who
you are ♪

♪ Gets brought out in the light
♪

♪ From your spoiled little
cousins ♪

♪ To your racist Grandpa Lee

♪ It's everything that makes
up your fucked up family ♪

♪ You're bound by blood

♪ And they won't let you forget
♪

♪ All the things that you've
done ♪

♪ And all the things that you
regret ♪

♪ We've all made some mistakes
though ♪

♪ So just smile when pass
potatoes ♪

♪ And enjoy the first
people that you met ♪

♪ You can pick your preference

♪ Taylor Ham or Pork Roll

♪ Your favorite barbecue sauce

♪ to hold them or to fold

♪ You can choose to gamble
to play it out safely ♪

♪ But you can pick your family

♪ No, you can't pick your family
♪

♪ No, no, no

♪ You can't pick your family

♪ No, no, no

♪ You can't pick your family

Merry Christmas y'all.