Original subtitles

♪ The Simpsons ♪

D'

Aah!

Why, Homer, you silly goose,

the weed whacker's just for the edges.

- You're gonna be out here all day. - I'm almost done.

You are a picture and a half.

Well, if you're finished by tomorrow, come on over

and strap on the feedbag. We're gonna fire up

ol' Propane Elaine and put the heat to the meat.

- Nummy-nummy-num! - I'll be there!

Notty-notty-not.

"The Flanders are having a beef-a-thon!

Incredible Nedibles! Maudacious Vittles!"

I think it means he's having a barbecue.

Well, why doesn't he just say so?

He's trying to be friendly.

You know, if you gave Ned Flanders a chance...

Here we go again. Look, I don't care

if Ned Flanders is the nicest guy in the world.

He's a jerk. End of story.

Well, we can't hold it against him

just because he has things a little better than we do.

Excuse me? Better?

Thanks a lot, Marge. You really put me in my place.

- Homer. - Don't get me wrong.

It's worth feeling three inches tall

to find out what kind of a person you really are,

Marge Simpson,

president of the international "We Love Flanders" Fan Club!

Fee, fie, foe, fum!

I smell the potatoes au gratin

of Marge Simpson.

Hi, Ned.

Um... Homer sends his apologies

but, um...

there was some important work at the plant

that only he could take care of.

We now return you to exciting 15th-round action

at the Canadian Football League draft.

And so, the Saskatchewan Rough Riders,

who scored only four rouges all last season, Jack...

Stupid Flanders.

Go ahead, Marge.

Have a ball.

What if they came back

and I was dead from not eating?

They'd cry their eyes out.

"We should have never gone to the Flanders'.

"Why did we go to the Flanders' house

and leave Homer alone with no food?"

And I'd be laughing... Laughing from my grave.

Heh, heh, heh.

What is it, boy? What?

Barbecue.

Hey, everyone, I'm back. Nice to see you. Nice to meet you.

Hey!

Hey, hey, Homer!

Okay. Thanks for coming.

- You're it. - Electricity.

No electricity. Electricity only in freeze tag.

Okay. Now you're it!

- Hey! No tag-backs! - Yeah, you cheater.

You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye.

The fly was funny,

and the booger was the icing on the cake.

Friends, we love you all,

but I also have a sinister motive

for asking you all here...

Sinister being Latin for left-handed.

But enough joking.

- That was a joke? - Shh!

As of Friday,

I'm saying toodle-loo to the pharmaceutical game.

- Leaving? I can't believe it. - What's he talkin' about?

No, I kid you not. Here's the noose I had to wear for ten years.

What are you going to do, Ned?

Well, sir, like one out of every nine Americans,

I'm left-handed, and let me tell you

it ain't all peaches and cream.

Your writing gets smeared,

Lord help you if you want to drive a standard transmission.

- Amen to that. - Well, sir,

I'm opening up a one-stop store for southpaws.

Everything from left-handed apple peelers

to left-handed zithers.

Going to call it "The Leftorium."

So, Homer, I'm dying to know.

What do you think of The Leftorium?

It sounds like a pretty dumb idea to me.

Well, I know it's a little risky,

and it's going to be a lot of hard work,

but, gosh darn it, it's going to be a lot of fun too.

Fun? Where is this store, Flanders?

The merry old Land of Oz?

No. The Springfield Mall.

- Here, you two, make a wish. - Nah!

- It's fun. - No, it isn't.

Hey, you must have something you want to wish for, Homer.

Let's see...

Nah.

- Hey! - Come on, Homer.

I've got an ambition to do some wishin'.

Keep your pants on, Flanders!

I'm wishing as fast as I can!

Ooh!

Heh, heh, heh, heh.

Too far.

Okay, ready.

Yes! Yes!

Read it and weep! In your face!

- I've got more chicken bone! - What did you wish for, Homer?

No! No, no, no. Don't say.

Otherwise, it won't come true.

Ooh, that would be a shame.

Wouldn't it, Flanders?

♪ They fight and fight ♪

♪ They fight and fight and fight ♪

♪ Fight-fight-fight, fight-fight-fight ♪

♪ The Itchy & Scratchy Show ♪

♪ Dum-da-dah... ♪

Duh!

Bart!

How many hours a day do you watch TV?

Six... seven if there's something good on.

Don't you think you should get a little fresh air and maybe some exercise?

Yeah, but what are you going to do?

Marge, TV gives so much and asks so little.

It's a boy's best friend.

That's the problem.

Even as we speak,

millions of children are staring at the TV,

instead of getting some much-needed exercise.

Those children's parents should be ashamed of themselves.

Hello, I am Akira. Huah!

That didn't hurt very much

because I know the ancient art of karate.

Karate focuses the mind and gives one self-confidence.

People from all walks of life:

- Doctors. - Hi-yah!

- Homemakers. - Hu-yah!

- Landscape architects. - Yah!

- Choreographers. - Haww.

High karate at low, low prices.

I cannot tell a lie.

This is a great deal. Hohh!

Ha!

Hey, Mom, how about if I learn karate?

Will that make you happy?

That sounds fine, Bart.

See, Marge, you knock TV, and then it helps you out.

I think you owe somebody a little apology.

Well, if it isn't The Leftorium.

Hey, Flanders, how's business?

A little pokey

but things are going to pick up.

Ooh!

I am so sorry.

How much do I owe you?

Now, you put that money away. That was an accident.

Really?

Well, thanks.

Could you validate my parking?

Absitively posolutely.

So, Flanders, have you sold anything?

Not yet, but one of the mall security guards

took a good long look

at a left-handed ice cream scoop.

Greetings, I am Akira,

your guide on the path to true karate.

And this is our map, The Art of War by Sun-Tzu.

It will teach us our most important lesson.

We learn karate so that we need never use it.

Um, excuse me sir.

I already know how not to hit a guy.

Can we break out the nunchukas?

Yes, the impetuousness of youth.

- For now, let us read. - Akira, my good man,

when do we break blocks of ice with our heads?

First you must fill your head with wisdom.

Then, you can hit ice with it.

Yo, Sensei, can I go to the bathroom?

You can if you believe you can.

Pay money to read books.

The hell with this.

Come on. Touch of death! Touch of death! Touch of death!

Touch of death.

I'm telling you,

Flanders' store was dee-serted.

So, what do you think of your bestest buddy now, Marge?

Dad, do you know what schadenfreude is?

No, I do not know what schadenfreude is.

Please tell me, because I'm dying to know.

It's a German term for "shameful joy."

Taking pleasure in the suffering of others.

Come on, Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt.

He's usually all happy and comfortable

and surrounded by loved ones, and it makes me feel...

What's the opposite of that "shameful joy" thing of yours?

Sour grapes.

Boy, those Germans have a word for everything.

So Bart, what did you learn in karate school today?

Yeah, come on, boy, this better be worth my ten bucks.

I learned the touch of death.

- Ooh, the touch of death. - Permit me to demonstrate.

Lisa, shut your eyes. Soon you will be at peace.

Hey, quit it, Bart. Quit it. Hey!

Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Mom!

Bart, don't use the touch of death on your sister.

♪ They fought and fit ♪

♪ They fought and fought and fit ♪

♪ Fought-fought-fought, fit-fit-fit ♪

♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show ♪

Got to get back to karate class.

- Missed a spot. - Dopey kid.

Alright, coming through. Outta my way. Move it or lose it.

- Step aside, lady. - Baby.

Hey, boy. How was class?

Today, we learned how to rip a man's heart out

and show it to him before he dies.

Ooh, that will learn him.

What did you swipe?

An "I Love Lefty" shot-glass.

- Left-handed pinking shears. - Pinking shears?

Let's go to the food court and steal some baked potatoes.

Hey, Flanders, when are your busy hours?

I expect things to start picking up soon.

Yeah, I think word of mouth is starting to spread.

Hey, I hear you validate parking tickets without purchase.

Right as rain.

Or as we say around here, "left as rain."

- Just stamp the ticket. - Okay.

Hey, Homer, how's your neighbor's store doing?

Lousy. He just sits there all day.

He'd have a great job if he didn't own the place.

Crummy right-handed corkscrews.

What does he sell?

Well, actually, Moe...

I don't know.

- Hey, Lise, change the channel. - You change it.

Okay, okay.

I grow weary of this new channel.

- Change it back. - But, Bart...

Apple... apple... apple...

Come on, candy bar.

Hey, I know you. You're that first apple I didn't want!

That sinks it.

I'm really going to let them have it this time.

Simpson, put that box on Mr. Burns' desk.

Chop-chop!

Look, Smithers

another member of our nuclear family

with some helpful suggestions.

And what's your name?

Homer Simpson, sir.

- Simpson? - I'm Monty Burns.

"Keep that handsome owner out of sight.

He's distracting the female employees."

Smithers?

Got me, sir.

It's a real one.

"No more apples in the vending machine, please."

Well, that's almost a sentence.

- Can I leave, Mr. Burns? - Of course, and don't worry,

there will be plenty of apples for you.

Nobody will take away your precious apples.

But the note was asking you to...

No, no, no! Tell my secretary

I said you could have a free apple.

She'll make everything all right, I promise.

Damned infernal gizmo.

My kingdom for a left-handed can opener!

Mr. Burns?

Come on, Homer, tell him about the store.

I'm dying out here.

Sorry, Flanders.

Are you sure you're not interested?

$200 is only the asking price.

- Sorry, Ned. - Hey, I'm flexible.

You don't have to pay all at once.

I'll be here all night, if you change your mind.

Hey, Flanders, is everything okay?

Yeah, sure. Thought I'd just get rid of some of the clutter.

See anything you like?

I get it. It's not good enough for you,

but it's good enough for me?

Well, I wouldn't be caught dead buying this... Hello.

Got your eye on the gas grill?

- She's a butane beaut. - I'll give you 20 bucks for it.

Twenty? Homer, I paid $300 for this just last year.

You were swindled, my friend. Twenty bucks. Take it or leave it.

- Homer, be reasonable. - Sorry!

No cash for Neddy. Homer keep all money.

Bye-bye, Neddy. Bye-bye.

All right, Homer.

- $20? - $20.

- Now I don't want it. - What?

I changed my mind. It was a passing fancy.

Although, perhaps if you threw in a few lawn chairs,

maybe that tool bench, it might rekindle my interest.

Hey, Bartely-boobely. Care for a steakarooni?

Sounds scrum-diddley-umptious, dear old duddely-doodely.

Duddely-doodely.

Homer, this is the Flanders' entire living room set.

How much did you pay for this?

Only 75 beans.

$75? Ned must be desperate.

I'm sure you did nothing to discourage this,

you scavenger of human misery.

Hey! Keep your hands off my china hutch.

♪ Let's go to Barney's Bowl-er-ama... ♪

Good afternoon, sir. I'm Chuck Ellis

from the Springfield Collection Agency,

and I'm here to ask you why you don't think

you need to pay your bills.

I know I need to pay them, but there's just so many.

Does it make you feel good about yourself to owe people money?

We've been very patient with you, Mr. Flanders.

I know, but... Wait a minute.

I'm Homer Simpson.

Ned Flanders lives over there.

Flanders is in debt? Are you sure?

We don't make mistakes.

Damned right-handed ledgers.

- I can't write in these things. - Why, there's a store where you...

- Hey, you said you're Homer Simpson? - Yeah.

- See you on Thursday. - D'

Knock 'em dead, boy.

Kid's going to be a black belt in no time.

♪♪

Hey, check out the saxophone.

Pretty boss, but there's something stuck on it.

Hey!

Hey, look at me.

I'm Elvis, man!

You give that back!

That belongs to me!

If you want it, just take it.

Okay. We're sorry.

This time we're really going to give it to you.

Hey, stop that!

Hey, Lise, something wrong?

Not anymore!

You punks are about to get

a taste of your own medicine.

This is my brother, and he knows karate.

We're real scared.

Please don't hurt us, Bart.

What are you going to do? Throw your diapers at us?

Yeah, just keep laughing.

It only makes him madder.

C'mon Bart. Start them off with the touch of death

and go from there.

I think they've learned their lesson already, Lise.

No, we want to see the touch of death.

Yeah. Come on, Karate Kid, waste me.

It's funny how two wrongs sometimes make a right.

Homer! Over here.

Flanders, I want to give you your stuff back.

Well, there's no house to put it in, Homer.

Not since that nice fellow from the bank...

Who was only doing his job... Came and locked it up.

You're gonna live in your car?

No. It's just a little camp-out tonight,

then off to my sister's apartment in Capital City.

Hey, what do you think, kids?

The big city.

Say, Todd, I want to talk to your Uncle Homer.

You're head of the car till I get back.

Okay, Dad.

♪ Grey skies are gonna clear up ♪

♪ Put on a happy face ♪

♪ Brush off the clouds and cheer up ♪

♪ Put on a happy face... ♪

Listen to that singing.

Those poor fools.

Homer, I'm ruined.

I know.

At times like these

I used to turn to the Bible and find solace,

but even the good book

- can't help me now. - Why not?

I sold it to you for seven cents.

You know, ever since that barbecue,

nothing's gone right.

It's like there's been a curse on me.

It's all my fault.

- No, it's not. - Yes, it is.

No! You tried to warn me

about gambling my family's future

on some pig in a poke.

I didn't listen.

Homer, you were a true friend.

No, I was a swine.

- Listen, Flanders. - What?

Do you still have that store?

For two more days.

Then it becomes Libertarian Party headquarters.

I hope they have better luck than I did.

Flanders, you open that store tomorrow.

Homer, there's no point.

I said do it!

Hello, Jerry? Homer Simpson.

Remember last month when I paid back that loan?

Well, now I need you to do a favor for me.

A left-handed corkscrew?

Baby!

"Kiss me, I'm left-handed"?

That's a classic. Whoa!

- Homer Simpson's on the phone. - Tell him I went out.

He needs you to help Ned Flanders.

Ned Flanders is in trouble?

Smithers, I'm licked.

You open this can.

Okay, but you softened it up for me, sir.

Hold it, Smithers.

- I'll open the can. - But, sir, how?

To the mall! I'll explain on the way.

Hurry, Neddy, hurry. Golly, it's a miracle.

Come on, ya' lefties.

What did I tell you?

Homer?

It's all here, and it's all backwards.

That's right.

Well, the worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend?

Look at you... You who were once so proud.

Feel the wrath of the left hand of Burns.

My life begins today.

Wow! What an icebreaker.

Left-handed ledgers.

Now, I can write all the way to the edge.

Left-handed nunchukas.

Wow!

The boys at the Diners Club will think I've gone quite mad.

I'll have that roadster in the corner as well.

- Yes, sir. - Huzzah for the shopkeep.

Huzzah!

Homer, affordable tract housing made us neighbors,

but you made us friends.

To Ned Flanders,

the richest left-handed man in town.

Everybody!

♪ Grey skies are gonna clear up ♪

♪ Stick out that noble chin ♪

♪ Wipe off that full-of-doubt look ♪

♪ Slap on a happy grin ♪

♪ And spread sunshine all over the place ♪

♪ Just put on a happy face ♪

♪♪

Shh!

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