All language subtitles for Eddie.Murphy.Delirious.1983.DVDRip.x264-HANDJOB-English

[crowd cheering]

♪ We've been waitin'
for a long time ♪

♪ Yes, we've been waitin'
for a long, long time ♪

♪ We've been waitin'
for a long time ♪

[sirens wailing]

♪ We're gonna one, two, three, four ♪

♪ One, two, three ♪

♪ Well, there's a reason everybody
should be shakin' in the house tonight ♪

♪ And you should grab your favorite lady
and promise her you'll do it right ♪

♪ Tell Fat Jack to jump back
and give you a shot of some booze ♪

♪ So you can party to some stomp down
butt-bumpin' ♪

♪ Rock-'n'-roll
rhythm-and-blues ♪

♪ 'Cause the boys are back in town ♪

Hey, Clinton.
I can't perform without my heroin.

I got to meet the man now.

Then give it to me...

Enough so I don't OD
but I have a good hit.

♪ When they hear the music ♪

♪ Will be doing it on the floor ♪

I wonder if people
be sayin' that shit.

"It's happening too fast for Murphy.
He's gonna O.D."

Or some shit like that.

Not me, baby.

♪ So tonight we can
dance and romance ♪

♪ And do anything we feel like doin' ♪

[Eddie] This is the plane Eddie Murphy
died in, right here.

If I crash, this would be so great.

- What's his name?
- [man] Larry.

His name's Larry. Well, he'll be dead,
too, because he's in the front.

I'm getting on this, though.

In case we do go down...
Larry, you incompetent fuck,

you crashed while
we were flying. OK.

♪ 'Cause the boys are back in town ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Keep your colon healthy.

That's the key to life. That's the
key to success: a healthy colon.

Do me a real colon.

See, now, that's the inside
of my colon.

♪ Tell Fat Jack to jump back
and give you a shot of some booze ♪

♪ So you can party to some stomp down
butt-bumpin' ♪

♪ Rock-'n'-roll
rhythm-and-blues ♪

♪ 'Cause the boys are back in town ♪

♪ And when the boys are back ♪

♪ There ain't no foolin' around ♪♪

[crowd cheering]

[crowd chanting] Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!

Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!

- [man] Ladies and gentlemen...
- [crowd roaring]

...Eddie Murphy!

[crowd roar increasing]

Thank you.

[crowd cheering]

Thank you. Too much.
Too kind. Far too kind.

Before I even get started,
I wanted to say,

how about a big round of applause
for the BusBoys?

[applause, cheering]

I got some rules when I throw down--

When I do my stand-up,
I got rules and shit.

Straight up.

Faggots aren't allowed
to look at my ass while I'm onstage.

[laughter, cheering]

That's why I keep moving
while I'm up here.

So if you don't know where the faggot
section is, you got to keep moving.

So if they do see it, it's quick.
You switch.

They don't get no long stare
at your shit...

Start having imagination
flowing about my--

I know when you're looking at it, too,
'cause my ass get hot.

I'm afraid of gay people.
Petrified.

I have nightmares about gay people.

I have this nightmare
that I go to Hollywood

and find out that
Mr. T is a faggot.

[laughter, cheering]

Really, and he be walkin' up
to people, goin',

"Hey, boy. Hey, boy.
You look mighty cute in them jeans."

[applause]

"Now come on over here and
fuck me up the ass."

- [laughter]
- "Come on."

"I'm going to bend over now."

[grunting]

[applause, laughter]

Aah!

"Hey, boy, slow down. You going to
mess around and come too fast.

Make me get mad, I'll clench up my
butt cheeks and rip your dick off."

You know-- You know
who'd be a funny faggot?

Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton.
Wouldn't they be funny faggots?

If Ralph Kramden leaned
out the window one day and said,

"Norton! Norton, pal, come on down.
I want to show you something."

"Ha-ha!"

"Hey, there, Ralphie boy,
what do you say there, pal of mine?"

"You know, Norton,
I've been watching you..."

"...and I know you've been
watching me, Norton.

You watch me. I know."

"So, Ralph, what are you getting at?"

"Norton, my friend, how would you
like to fuck me up the ass?"

"I know you want to fuck me, Norton.

And you know that I know that you know
that I know that you want to fuck me.

Now I'm going to bend over,
and when I do, start fucking."

[applause, laughter]

"Here I go."

[low groan]

Hamana-hamana-hamana-hamana
hamana-hamana...

"Way to go there, Ralphie boy."

I kid the homosexuals a lot
because they homosexuals.

I-- I fuck with everybody.
I don't give a fuck.

It's like, um,
I don't mean anything by it.

You can hang out
with a gay person.

Guys don't feel, you know, like,
alienate gay people because they're gay.

'Cause you can play tennis
with a gay person.

Really. Just after the game, you say,

"I'm going to get a beer.
What you gonna do?"

"I think I'll go suck somebody's dick."
"Well, I'll see you later."

[laughter, cheering]

"You go suck that dick.
I'm going to have the beer."

Ladies are hip to it, too.

Ladies be hangin' out
with gay people.

Ladies be sayin', "Gay men
are the best friends to have.

They don't want anything from you,
you don't want anything from them.

You can just hang out and be with him
and it's fun.

You can talk to them--"
And all that bullshit.

And they'd be hanging out with her.
You know what's real scary about that?

That new AIDS shit.

AIDS is scary 'cause
it kills motherfuckers. AIDS.

That ain't like the good old days
when venereal disease was simple.

In the gold ole days,
you get gonorrhea, your dick hurt,

go get a shot, clear it right up.

Then they came out with herpes.
You keep that shit forever like luggage.

[applause, laughter]

Now they got AIDS.
That just kills motherfuckers.

I say "What's next?" I guess you just
put your dick in and explode.

[applause]

[mimicking explosion]

Then the girl be on the bed going,
"Maybe I should see a doctor about it."

Kills people.

It petrifies me 'cause
girls be hangin' out with them.

One night, they can be in the club,
having fun with their gay friend

and give 'em a little kiss, and go home
with that AIDS on their lips.

Get home with their husband,
and then five years later,

"Mr. Johnson, you have AIDS."
He goes, "AIDS? I'm not a homosexual."

"Sure, you're not a homosexual."

All them diseases scare me,
'cause I'm like--

These are the fuck years for me.
Like, this-- I'm in my sexual prime.

This-- I fuck now.

[applause, cheering]

These are the years to fuck.

This is where you do your best fuckin',
where you just start to learn your body

and be gettin' all your shoulders
in on the fuck.

Like, 18-year-olds,
let me hear y'all in the audience.

[wild cheering]

See, y'all don't know
how to fuck yet, see?

[laughter]

You don't.

You get 22, you start moving
all this shit, making faces.

Ever make them fuck faces?
A cool motherfucker say--

You don't do that when you're 18.
There's just one expression,

'cause you're surprised you're fuckin'.

Get a little older, though...

Plus, you don't have
no dick control when you're 18.

Ever been sitting around
when you was a young man,

just sitting in class,
and your dick get hard for nothing?

You be just sitting there and your dick
say, "What's going on in here?"

[laughter]

That's when your teacher say,

"Mr. Murphy, wanna come work out
this problem on the board?"

"No. That's all right.
I'll take the zero."

Really, no dick control at all.

It's even hard to find
the pussy when you're 18.

Ever had that, guys? You'd be
searching for the pussy down there.

And your dick be slidin' down and shit,
and the girl be goin', "That's not it."

[applause, laughter]

"Is there any problem?"
"No. Ain't no problem, baby."

"You got a shoehorn
or some shit like that?"

[applause]

And this is the business to be in
if you want some pussy.

That's why I got in show business.
For pussy.

I figure if Jimmie Walker could fuck,
I'm fuckin' everybody.

[chuckling]

Fuck this.

And it's like that, too.
When you do a TV show,

women be throwing pussy at me
on the street like Frisbees.

Ed!

Thank you.
I appreciate that.

Take all the pussy. They go,
"Ed, here's some pussy for you."

I be sayin', "Thank you. Appreciate it.
I like all the pussy."

Too much pussy. Pussy be
falling out my pockets and shit.

Walking down the street, I say,
"Watch your step. That's mine."

[applause]

[chuckling]

Being a comic, though,
ain't like being no singer.

The singers get all the pussy.

Like the BusBoys,
they fuck everybody.

The BusBoys will fuck
anything that moves.

Come to my house,
the fish stop swimming.

[laughter]

They don't play.
Singers get pussy.

'Cause you don't have to even--

You don't even have to look good,
and you can sing and get pussy.

Just be interesting.

'Cause there's sex symbols getting pussy
that's ugly motherfuckers.

'Cause all you have to do is sing.
There's something about singing.

That's the business.
You sing, women go crazy.

'Cause Mick Jagger is
a ugly motherfucker.

[laughter, cheering]

With... with big-ass lips.

Mick Jagger's lips so big, black people
be goin', "He got some big-ass lips."

[laughter, cheering]

"Them's some big motherfucking lips."

But he's singing,
and you sing, you'll get over.

Luther Vandross is a big Kentucky
Fried Chicken eatin' motherfucker.

But he put his shit on--
[mimicking singing]

Women go--
[shrieking]

Sing. That's all you
got to do is sing.

Michael Jackson, who can sing
and is a good-looking guy

but ain't the most masculine
fellow in the world...

[laughter, cheering]

But that's Michael's hook,
is his sensitivity.

That's what women be sayin',
"Michael's just so sensitive."

They eat that shit up. Mike know, too.
He be using women in concerts.

I seen Mike walk up to girls,
they'd be in the audience, he'd say,

"Is it all right if I come
down there and sing to you?"

And women go--
[shrieking]

Then if you don't scream, Mike will get
real sensitive and cry on your ass.

Ever hear that record
"She's Out of My Life?" Mike'll go...

♪ So I've learned ♪

♪ That love's not possession ♪

♪ And I've learned ♪

♪ That love won't wait ♪

[cheering]

♪ Now I've learned ♪

♪ That love needs expression ♪

♪ But I learned too late ♪

[loud cheering]

[sobbing]

[gasping]

[laughter, cheering]

"Tito, get me some tissue."

"Jermaine, stop teasing."

If you just sing.

I like dudes with masculine
voices like Teddy Pendergrass.

Teddy just come out,
take the lyrics and go...

♪ You got, you got,
you got what I need! ♪

And scare the bitches
into liking him.

That motherfucker's crazy.

Throw your panties on the stage.

That's what's happening.
I like Elvis Presley.

[cheering]

Really, I give credit
where credit is due.

When Elvis was young,
he was a bad motherfucker, boy.

Elvis was bad.

He was vicious and shit.

Sing his ass off. He sang so good,
they let him do movies.

He couldn't act.

They said, "Fuck it.
Let him sing all his dialogue."

They did. Everything Elvis did--
"Elvis, we gotta win this race."

♪ We got to win this race ♪

[laughter]

Elvis, want some lemonade?

♪ Lemonade ♪

♪ That cool refreshing drink ♪

Let him sing till it was over, too.
Elvis was 42 years old.

Remember right before he croaked?

He would come out,
his stomach was all fat and shit,

and his butt be
stickin' out and shit,

lookin' like he had to shit.
He walked on the stage like this.

[laughter]

♪ I've lived ♪

♪ A life that's full ♪

♪ I've traveled each and every bayou ♪

♪ What's marvelous ♪

- [mimics loud fart]
- "Excuse me."

[applause, laughter]

Sing--

[chuckles] The key to it--

You don't even have to
be able to talk...

...to sing and get famous.

'Cause James Brown's
been singing 20 years.

I don't know what the fuck
James is talkin' about.

I don't understand shit James says.

I met him once
at Saturday Night Live.

I said, "James, I love your stuff."
James said--

[gibbering]

[laughter]

And whatever James is saying is
some real heavy shit to James, because--

It's real meaningful shit to James.

Because at the end of every sentence,
he end it off with--

Heh!

He meant that shit
that he just said, boy.

Everything, he say-- Heh!

You get mad. You start putting
the needle back, saying,

"What the fuck did I just miss?"

[singing incomprehensibly]
♪ And the people say-- Heh! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

That's a James Brown lyric.

He wrote that shit.

He was writing a song and said,
"I need a word here."

♪ Hey! ♪

"That's good. I like that."

[applause]

And get the song going--
All the songs sounded the same.

James is going--
[singing incomprehensibly]

Heh!

♪ Hey! ♪

[continues singing]

♪ I... ♪

♪ I... ♪

♪ I... ♪

[mimicking James Brown speech]

[laughs]

[continues singing]

♪ The people say ♪

♪ Jump back, want to kiss myself ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

[continues singing]

"I'm about ready to do my thing."
Yeah!

"Moving." Yeah!

"Grooving." Yeah!

[singing]

He starts talking to the band
and lose you. Say--

[singing]
The band say, "Yeah!"

"Do you!"
"Yeah!"

[singing] "Yeah!"

Band be going, "What the fuck
is James talking about?"

"I don't know.
We getting paid. Keep singing."

"Yeah. Yeah."

[cackles]

And people take singers--
They love--

Somethin' about singers
that people just love and shit.

I remember I did Stevie Wonder
on a show once...

[cheering]

...and black people lost
their motherfuckin' minds.

I had brothers rolling up
on me going,

"Hey, you the motherfucker
that be doin' Stevie Wonder?

That shit ain't funny,
motherfucker!"

[laughter, applause]

"Don't you never let me see you
do that shit again.

I'll fuck you up!

Stevie Wonder's a musical genius."

"That's terrible.
That's terrible, man.

Your mother brought you up wrong,
that's what it is.

Your mother brought you
up wrong, motherfucker."

I got mad. I was hanging out
with Stevie two months ago.

I said, "I get too much motherfuckin'
flak over this impression.

I ain't doin' the shit no more."

Stevie said, "Well, I feel that--"
I said, "Shut the fuck up."

'Cause you gotta cut Steve off quick.

'Cause if he gets a roll going,
he'll talk your ears off.

You ever see Steve win a Grammy

and give one of them long-ass
acceptance speeches?

"And the winner is Stevie Wonder."

Stevie be talkin' about,
"And I'd like to say that

all the people in the world today..."

[applause]

"God's children..."

And they be,

"Just take the motherfuckin'
award and get the fuck out."

If you don't say nothin',
the credits will be rollin',

and Steve be goin',
"I'd like to thank..."

I be in the car,
"Just shut the fuck up, Steve.

You're a genius and all that,
but you my boy.

We hanging. It's nice and all that shit,
but I don't appreciate all the flak.

Personally, the piano and the singing,
I told you how I feel about singing.

I ain't impressed.

You want to impress me? Take the wheel
for a little while, motherfucker."

[applause, laughter]

"I heard that shit, man.

That shit wasn't funny.

Then I suppose at the end
of your little sketch

Stevie crash into a tree, right?
Ha-ha, very funny, motherfucker!"

"Your mother got a wooden leg
with a kickstand, motherfucker."

[laughter, applause]

"Your mother got a mouth
in the back of her neck,

and the bitch chew like this."

[laughter, applause]

"Motherfuckin' Stevie Wonder
jokes and shit."

[chuckling]

[laughter, applause]

It's hot as a fuck in this thing.

[indistinct yelling]

No, I can't take it off.

Make the ladies just run out
holding their pussies going--

[shrieking]

"What's going on over there?"

Ladies running down the street
and shit. Can't do that.

If y'all hear a ice cream truck--

Do they have the ice
cream man around here?

[scattered shouts]

They have Mister Softee ice cream?

Remember when the ice cream man used
to come town when you was little,

and no matter
what you was doin',

you would stop and lose
your fuckin' mind?

There's something about the ice cream
truck that makes kids lose it.

And they can hear that shit
from ten blocks away.

They don't hear their
mother calling them,

but they hear that
ice cream truck.

And no matter what was going on,
the ice cream man came, it stopped.

You be gettin' some marbles,
and you hear--

[humming tune]

"Ice cream! Ice cream!

The ice cream man is coming!

The ice cream man is coming!"

"Ma!"

"Ma!
Throw down some money!

The ice cream man is coming!"

Then your mother come to the window
and be throwin' change, saying,

"Get your father a Toasted Almond Bar,

get your brother an Icee, get yourself a
vanilla cone and bring back my change."

You catch all that shit and you
run down the street, top speed,

chasing the ice cream truck,
going, "Ice cream!"

Ice cream man always drove
a extra block, though,

and I know he seen us and shit,

but I think he just be in the car
with his friend, sayin',

"Watch how fast I make
these motherfuckers run."

[mimicking engine revving]

You be behind him
doin' 50, going, "Ice cream!"

He stop, you be all
out of wind and say,

[panting] "Ice cream man,
I want this over here,

and a Toasted Almond for my father,

and get me this Icee over here and a
vanilla cone. Thank you, ice cream man.

Thank you. Thank you, ice cream man.
Thank you."

And you get your ice cream.
I remember I would get my ice cream,

and I didn't eat it,
I would sing for a little while.

You know how kids are.
They be goin'...

[laughter]

♪ I have some ice cream ♪

♪ I have some ice cream ♪

♪ I have some ice cream ♪

♪ And I'm going to eat it all ♪

♪ I'm going to eat it all ♪

The ice cream be runnin' all down
your arm and shit. You'll be like:

♪ Ice cream ♪

♪ I'm going to eat
all of my ice cream ♪

♪ Ice cream ♪

♪ Ice cream ♪

There'd be one kid on the side
that didn't get no ice cream.

The kids don't care, they go:

♪ You don't have no ice cream ♪

♪ You didn't get none ♪

♪ You didn't get none ♪

♪ You didn't get none ♪

♪ You didn't get none ♪

♪ 'Cause you are on the welfare ♪

♪ And can't afford it ♪

♪ You can't afford it ♪

♪ You can't afford it ♪

[cheering]

Other kids join in.

♪ You can't afford it
you can't afford it ♪

♪ And his father is a alcoholic ♪

♪ He wants some ice cream ♪

♪ He want to eat some
of my ice cream, but... ♪

"Want a lick? Psych!"

♪ You want some ice cream ♪

♪ You want some ice cream ♪

♪ I'm going to eat
all of my ice cream ♪

♪ You cannot have some
you can-- ♪

[loud cheering, applause]

♪ You dropped your ice cream ♪

♪ You dropped your ice cream ♪

[kisses]

♪ I have ice cream ♪

♪ I lifted it up to God ♪

Eat it-- I could drop my ice cream
in a pile of shit and eat it.

I'd be like,
"It's just sprinkles."

Don't let your mother catch you
doin' that nasty shit, though.

My mother caught me doing that,
she'd make you put it down.

One sentence:
"Put that back on the floor!"

You'd drop that shit quick and say,
"I wasn't going to eat it."

My mother caught me doing that--

Anybody got them mothers
that would hit you with a shoe?

I had a mother that would
throw a shoe at you

at the drop of a dime and fuck you up
wherever she was aiming.

It was bad, her shoe.
She would carry that shit like a gun.

By the time I was ten, my mother was
like Clint Eastwood with a shoe.

You fuck up, my mother would
walk in the room like...

[whistling theme to
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly]

[laughter, applause]

"Why'd you eat
the ice cream off the floor?"

"I didn't know I was--"

[mimicking pistol and gunshot]

[whistling theme]

Bad! Accurate!

You'd be in a supermarket
and be grabbin'

cereal off the counter, going,

"Ma, can we get this?"
She'll say--

[mimicking pistol and gunshot]

"I guess not."

And can be doing three different things,
be on the phone with my grandmother,

be cooking with this hand,
have the phone like this and be saying,

"Yeah, Mama, hold on a second."

Bad!

Fuck you up. And God forbid
my mother be dressed up

and have them high heels on,
them pumps.

Then she get boomerang action
goin' on your ass.

And fuck you up in the room. You won't
even know what the fuck happened.

They can hear you when they're
getting ready to walk out the door.

Hear on you the bunk beds fucking
around. They got that mother hearing.

They hear that, they say,
"Wait a minute, baby."

[mimicking sonar]

[making whooshing sound]

[mimicking impact] Aah!

"Let's go."

[loud cheering, applause]

[chuckling]

She was the one that did all the
disciplining around the house.

My mom would fuck us up.

Very, very strict house
I came from.

And I remember when
I first went to, um...

My first contact with a white family
freaked me out and shit.

I used to-- I went to Fresh Air Fund.
Ever go to that?

Where they take a kid from the city

and send him to the country
and fuck his mind up and shit.

I went there and found out some white
kids can curse around the house.

That fucked me up when I was little.
I couldn't believe that--

'Cause I couldn't even say
"dag" around my house.

My father said,
"That sounds too much like damn."

I get in trouble for sayin' shit
the wrong way around my house.

I was in a house with Tom Kildare.

His mother said,
"Tom, you're a little late."

He said, "Come on, Mom, shit!
I'm movin' as fast as I can. Shit!

Come on!"

And I was standing there like this...

[laughter, applause]

I thought, "If I tried to pull
some shit like that in my house..."

"Ed, you're a little late."

"Come on, Pop, shit!
What is this? Come on! Damn!"

My pops would just go...

[laughter]

[mimicking gunshot]

"That motherfucker's crazy."

Pops didn't play, man.

He didn't play when it
came with the kids.

He didn't fuck with my mother, though.
My mother would fuck him up.

My mom's one of them
sisters you don't hit.

You can't hit sisters, period.

Remember in the old days
when you could beat up a woman?

Remember that shit
back in the '20s?

Guys would just smack
their wives in the movies. They go--

[mimics slap]
And they'll just go--

"Oh..."

You can't do shit
like that no more.

Women be takin' aerobics.
They'll fuck you up now.

[laughter, applause]

It's scary, too, man,
especially a black woman.

You hit a black woman,
she lose her mind and shit.

Seriously.
They go crazy on you.

You can have a timid sister for a girl,
and smack her, it'd be like,

"I'm goin' to kill you, motherfucker.
You don't hit me like that!

You don't hit me! You don't put
your hands in my face!

My father don't put
his hands in my face!

You don't hit me none!"

"Baby, please stop!
Baby, please! Stop!

Stop, baby! Hold up! Stop!
Please, please!

Calm down, baby! Calm down!"

"You don't hit me, motherfucker!"

"Just get the fuck out!"

Throw you out your own house. You be
so scared, you get the fuck out, too.

That's some shit. You know you scared
when a woman says

get the fuck out your own
house and you leave.

You a scared motherfucker.
I had a girlfriend once.

I smacked her
and got all cool on her.

Then she got cool and scared me more,
and I just left.

'Cause I slapped her and got macho.
"I didn't want to do that shit, baby,

but you brought
that shit on yourself.

Don't make me have to do it again."

She said,
"No, I did bring it on myself. I did.

Why don't you just go to sleep?"

[laughter, applause]

I got the fuck out.

People are changing.
Men are changing, too, though.

This shit that guys do now,
they didn't do 30 years ago.

In the old days, you'd have an argument
with your girl in the car,

she'd say, "Let me out here."

Man will say,
"No. We won't have any of that."

Nowadays, a woman say that shit,
dude say--

[mimics brakes squealing]
"Get the fuck out."

[laughter]

[mimics locking door, driving]

[chuckling]

Somebody broke wind in here.

I've been trying to, like,
not say nothing,

but somebody farted
in this motherfucker.

That's some
long-distance fart, too, boy.

Don't do-- I know you get out with
your friends, you have a good time.

Especially fellas, you know, you play
that game, you play the fart game.

You know, you fart around your fellas,
and it's funny.

Dudes be doin' that. They be gettin' in
elevators and fartin' and laughin'.

It's nasty.
You play the fart game.

I think deep down inside, people want
to smell other people's farts.

[laughter]

'Cause you smell them,
and people always tell you they farted.

They say, "I farted."
You don't leave. You pause a second.

"Yeah, you did! Yeah!"

'Cause in the back of your mind,
you want to grade the fart.

'Cause if it smelled bad enough,
two years later, you be going,

"Remember that fart you made?
A few years ago?"

The fart game you play.

Started off around the house
when you're little.

Your father introduced you to it.

You be sitting in the house
one day and it's Saturday morning,

watching cartoons,
your father make a fart and go,

"That wasn't me.
That was your mother.

That was your mother.
Ooh, baby, I want a divorce.

Ooh! You rotten, baby, shit."

Your mother goes, "Stop it."
You join in.

You grab your little brother,
sit on his head, and fart.

Ever do that?
That's a fun game.

Your little brother freak out and go,
"Eddie! Eddie! Eddie farted!"

Your father go, "It's the fart game.
You'll play one day, son."

The fart game. You get your
best friend in on that shit, too.

You can walk up to your best friend
while he's watching the football game

and fart in his face.

He won't even get mad.

He'll just go,
"OK, you got me. All right.

OK. All right.
That was a good one, too.

My mouth was open on that one."

I got a scar over my eye to this day

from playing the fart game
in the bathtub when I was little.

Me and my big brother used to play it.

We was poor. We ain't have no
Mr. Bubble. We played the fart game.

We'd be in that tub--
[mimics bubbling]

[laughter]

[mimics bubbling]

"You can smell it!
You can smell it!"

Ever hold your G.I. Joe over a guy?
Be going--

[mimicking action music]

♪ I'm G.I. Joe
I'm swimming on the water ♪

[continues singing]

[bubbling, mimics death rattle]

♪ I'm G.I. Joe, want to find out where
the bubbles is comin' from ♪

♪ Standing on the bottom
of the ocean ♪

♪ So he started
to venture into the cave ♪

♪ From whence they came ♪

[continues singing]

♪ And G.I. Joe got stuck ♪

♪ And G.I. Joe got stuck in the water ♪

And my big brother was sitting
in the other end of the tub and shit

and made-- and shit in the tub.

He wanted to add
some excitement to the game

'cause I was going--
♪ G.I. Joe... ♪

He said...
♪ And then a big brown shark came ♪

[cheering, laughter]

[continues singing]

I jumped up and said--
[shrieking]

Cut my eye on a soap dish,
and blood was gushing out of my face.

I'm screaming.
My mother ran in the bathroom,

seen my brother
sitting in the bathroom

with a piece of shit
in his hand in the tub.

I was laying in the bottom of the water
with blood gushing out of my eye

and G.I. Joe up my ass.

[laughter]

My mother said,
"What the fuck's goin' on in here?"

[mimics pistol, gunshot]

Oh, you know what
would be a good--

Can I hold somebody's camera?
Anybody bring a camera?

I got one!

You look-- Does this--
Does the flash go immediately?

Like, I don't have to be waiting like
my aunt, going, "Wait a second now."

Ever do that? You be posing you ass off
like this, and your aunt be going,

"Wait, it's the flash."

Then try to press it,
and the shit don't work, you be going,

"It's something wrong with it."

It'll go immediately, the flash.
You sure?

I'll take a picture
of the crowd for myself.

[cheering]

Can all y'all come
over here on this side?

[laughter]

No? I'll take two of them.

This ain't no
Instamatic motherfucker.

I got to wait for
the flash and shit.

[cheering]

See, you got me waiting.
I should break your shit.

[laughter]

There we go.

The brothers sittin'
in the back going,

"All this money, he takin'
motherfucking pictures."

[laughter]

"I want my picture took,
I steal a car, motherfucker."

"Hey, man, I said
one fucking picture."

"You used up all my fucking film, man!
Come on! Shit!"

"Who the fuck do
you think you are, man?"

[loud cheering]

Let's see you explain the last one
to the guys at Fotomat.

"That's a picture
of Eddie Murphy's dick."

You know what would be
a good picture?

Can all the brothers stand up?

All the brothers in the audience?
Straight up.

Everybody up.
All the brothers.

Up!

Straight up! I'm serious.
What the fuck y'all doin'?

Will you motherfuckers stand up?

Up!

All the ladies get your cameras out.

We're going to set
the record straight here.

When I say go, everybody
whip out their dick and go--

[yelling]

Look at how fast
the white dudes sat down.

[cheering]

Sat down quick, didn't they?
"Hey!"

Some of them still standin'.
Y'all must be Italian.

[laughter]

They know about motherfuckin'--
We got some shit on us.

We got all this shit.

We the sh-boinkin' people.
We got some dicks hangin' down.

Dicks down to this motherfucker.

Y'all don't believe it?
White people don't believe it--

What's funny about it is white people
the ones that made up the rumor.

It's like they said, "You know,
black people have tremendous dicks,

but I don't believe it."

We got-- We the dick--

You know remains of the first
dick was found in Africa?

Big-ass piece of bone dick on the floor.

"What is this shit?
It's an old dried-up dick.

That means the first dick
belonged to a black man."

Dicks. We got the shit, boy.

We got nice asses, too.
We got our shit all hooked.

[loud cheering]

See my ass?

See, a white dude would be
up in his suit like this.

"How are you?
What's happening? Hey... man.

All right, man.

All right, man!

Right on, man!"

[chuckling]

I got a friend Doug--
There go Doug, my friend.

Doug's ass is way
up here on his back.

Ain't it, Doug?

Doug be getting shit stains
on his collar and shit.

He'll be in restaurants
and be reachin' for his wallet

and say,
"Let me get my wallet."

We got our shit hooked.
We got--

All this shit is hooked up
for black people.

Chinese people
are fucked all around

'cause they got little dicks
and little asses.

They do.
And it fucked up the way they walk.

They be walkin' all light 'cause they
ain't got no shit pullin' them down.

Now a brother's dick is too big,
so it fucked up his balance.

He be doin' all this shit.

[laughter, applause]

Every time you see a brother in a
wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.

[laughter]

He got this shit hanging down.

That's why they don't let brothers model
their drawers in the newspaper.

Think about it. I've been seeing
newspapers every Sunday morning,

white dudes being
in their drawers like this.

Never have no bulge
in their drawers.

Smiling at you.

If I didn't have no bulge,
I wouldn't be smiling.

Mine would look like this--

[gasping]

These dudes are going,
"I don't have any dick."

A brother be standing there--

If a brother modeled
his drawers in the paper,

they need an extra
fold-out in the paper.

"There's a sale on underwear,
but this nigger's dick's in my coffee."

"Want me to stir it for you?"

[laughter]

[applause]

[chuckles]

That's some true shit.

What's today's date?

[indistinct yelling]

It's the 17th and shit.

They got a little
bit more summer and shit.

Go to--
Don't go to cookouts.

I hate cookouts, man.
Stay away from cookouts.

If you like me, you stay
the fuck away from cookouts.

I don't like my family
to come by the house.

There's relatives I ain't seen
like since the last cookout.

You got certain relatives
you just see at the cookout,

and they get on
your fuckin' nerves every year.

My Uncle Gus come
by the house every year.

My Uncle Gus is the uncle
that like to work the grill

and don't let nobody touch the grill
when he's around and shit.

As soon as he walk in the house,
he's like, "Get away from that grill.

You don't know how to start no fire.

Put this fire out.
Eddie, go over there and get me wood.

I need half a tree.
Chop that tree down over there.

Chop down that tree,
get the wood from that tree.

Charlie, get me two gallons
of gasoline out of the shed.

You kids roll up your shirts, put that
on the grill, we gonna start a fire.

You want to eat?
Shut up, put it on the fire.

Put that wood inside there.
Give me the gasoline, Charlie.

When I tell you,
throw the match on the gasoline.

We're gonna make a fire.
You want to eat? We going to eat now.

Here we go,
pour the gasoline on there.

We need the-- Get that goddamn lighter
fluid out of here. Can't use that shit.

We're going to put all two gallons of
gasoline on this wood and make a fire.

Gonna eat a hamburger, OK?
Here we go. Charlie, throw the match."

[mimics match, big fire]

"Now that's a fire! That's a fire!
Look at that!

Look at that there. He be all right.
Roll Charlie around. Roll him around.

Roll him around."

Uncle Gus is married
to my Aunt Bunny.

My Aunt Bunny got a mustache and shit.

You know, one of them lady mustaches.

It was real cool back when she was 20.

She had-- You know how ladies have
them little thin ones and shit?

Then when they get 45, like Bunny, they
be having the Billy Dee Williams look.

[laughter]

Shit be thicker
than a man's and shit.

Now, Aunt Bunny
weigh, like, 300 pounds.

Like 250.
Real heavy lady and shit.

The kids were scared of her.

You got that kid logic going.

I remember my Aunt Bunny come by
the house, like, I was petrified.

'Cause she always wanted
to kiss me or touch me.

Soon as she'd walk in the door, "Come
give your Aunt Bunny a kiss, baby."

And you go-- [wailing]

Your mother say,
"Why won't you kiss your Aunt Bunny?"

Kids don't give a fuck.
They go, "She got a mustache!"

[shrieking]

[sobbing]

[kisses]

Why do kids move so slow
when they be cryin'?

[continues crying]

"Stop making all that noise!"

[muted crying]

[laughter]

"I said, shut up!"

[hyperventilating]

You be mad
'cause your mother hit you.

You be wishing hateful shit
on your mother.

Ever do that?
Be in the bedroom going...

[whimpering]
"God, please kill her."

[laughter]

"I hope she gets hit
by a truck and dies.

I hate her! I hate her!"

"Shut up, before I give you
something to cry about!"

[stifled crying]

Then my pops will start talking,

and my pops would be fucked up every
Fourth of July, man, every cookout.

Black men like to claim
the house when they're drunk.

Men, period, I think man,
like to claim their house.

They want you to know if you drunk
and they drunk, and you in their house,

that is their house.

My father stand up in the middle of a
cookout and say, "It's my house!"

[laughter]

"Know that it is? And if you don't
like it, you get the fuck out."

[laughter, applause]

"I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a-- I pay the motherfucking
bills in this motherfucker.

And, hey, kiss my ass
if you don't like it!"

[cheering]

"Yes! Yes, motherfucker! Yes!

You know what it is?
I'm drunk. So what?

Beautiful. I'm drunk.
So what? I'm drunk.

You know what? I got drunk
in my motherfucking kitchen.

I was drinking out of my glass
in my motherfucking house.

So fuck it."

Then he attacked the whole family.

Said, "Gus! Gus, can I ask a question?
Come here.

Let me ask a question, Gus.
Gus, let me ask you a question.

Why is the fire so big?

Why do you make
the fire so big, Gus?

Look at that shit.
It's motherfucking ridiculous.

The fire's too motherfucking big.

Why? You come in here
every motherfucking year, Gus,

and you burn down
my motherfucking backyard.

Why? I'm cooking motherfucking
hamburgers and franks.

I'm not cooking a brontosaurus
burger in this motherfucker."

[applause]

"This ain't the motherfucking
Flintstones, Gus!

This is my house, motherfucker!

Look at Charlie standing over there
with third-degree burns on him,

eating a motherfucking frank.

It doesn't make sense.
You take things too far, Gus.

You take things too far. I tell you
to go an inch, you go three inches.

I tell you to go four inches,
you go five.

Give a nigger a rope,
he want to be a cowboy, Gus.

Why don't you listen?

Eddie, get that motherfucking
dog away from my plate.

I'm going to shoot this dog.
Shut up!

I'm gonna shoot it. Stop crying, Eddie!
'Cause you can get the fuck out.

You can get the fuck-- I know you're
seven. I know you're seven.

But you'll be a seven-year-old walking
the dog with no house motherfucker."

"You know what it is?
'Cause it's mine, motherfucker.

I hate this motherfucking dog.

'Cause you asked me for the dog,

you don't spend time
with the dog, Eddie.

You don't feed the motherfucker.
You don't pet it.

You don't even know what the fuck
the dog's name is anymore, do you?

The dog don't give a fuck.
He don't know his name either.

The dog is three years old,
don't know his name.

Watch this! Cocoa!
Where the fuck is he going?

The dog's stupid 'cause you don't
spend time with the motherfucker.

I'm supposed to work hard all day,

I come home and feed
the motherfucking dog.

Fuck, no, I'm not feeding
the motherfucker!

You know what, Eddie? When nobody's
home, you know what I do?

I go up to the dog,
and I kick the motherfucker.

I kick the motherfucker
with everything I got, Eddie.

And then I giggle
my motherfucking ass off

'cause I hate the motherfucker.

'Cause you don't clean up behind it.

Why can't you clean
up the motherfuckin'--

This ain't Scooby-Doo,
motherfucker!"

[laughter, cheering]

"Why can't you clean the dog?
The dog shits all over the house.

If no one tells you, Eddie,
you don't clean the shit.

You let the shit stay forever.

There's shit that's been
in the den for six months, Eddie.

It's been in the den for six months.

You kids go past it,
you act like you don't see it.

Unless you're told,
you won't clean the shit.

The shit is hard as a rock now.

It's like motherfucking
furniture in there."

[laughter]

"I went in last week
to watch the fights.

I said, 'Fuck it.'
I put my drink on top of it, Eddie.

It's a coffee table now.

Why can't you clean up shit?

My friends come over, say,
'Oh, that's lovely.'

I say, 'That's not lovely.
It's a piece of shit.'

'Cause my children
don't listen.'"

Then my Aunt Bunny
would fall down the steps,

almost every year.

Ever have a heavyset aunt
fall down the steps?

Make a whole lot of fucking noise.

It's scary, too, 'cause they be
callin' Jesus on the way down.

And aunts don't fall straight
down the steps like a kid.

They be trying to break the fall
and hold it and stop the shit.

And that just make the fall
take a half-hour, then.

Real loud, like--

[mimicking heavy tumbling]

"Lord, Jesus Christ, help me,
Lord, please! Jesus, please!"

[continues tumbling noise]

"Jesus, God, help me, Lord! Jesus,
help me! I'm falling down the steps!

Oh, Lord Jesus Christ, please!"

[resumes tumbling noise]

"My shoe!"

[continues tumbling noise]

"Oh, Lord,
Jesus Christ, help me!"

[continues tumbling noise]

"I'm halfway down now.
Help me, Lord!"

[cheering, applause]

"Lillian!"

"What is all that fucking noise?"

[continues tumbling noise]

"Lillian, the bitch has fallen
down the steps again!"

[ceases tumbling noise]

"Oh! Oh!"

"Lillian! Lillian!"

"What's wrong, Bunny?"

"I fell down the steps."

[shrieks]

"Bunny fell down the steps!

Eddie, go get your Aunt Bunny
something cool for her head!"

"What happened?"
"Bunny fell down the steps."

[laughing]

"Hey, Charlie, Aunt Bunny
was walking down the steps,

and she was walking
down the steps--"

[shrieks]

"Gus, what the fuck
is wrong with your wife?

Why can't she walk a flight of steps?

You come over every
motherfucking year, Gus,

and you burn down
my motherfucking backyard,

and your wife
rips down the steps.

Why? I work hard
to get my place beautiful,

and then the motherfucker
come over and rips the steps down.

Look at them motherfucking steps!
They're fucked up, Gus!

Why can't she walk the steps?
You know why?

'Cause she's a fat, hairy bitch.
That's why.

That's why, Gus!

And my children
are afraid of your wife.

Eddie's afraid of her.
He has nightmares about your wife.

I went in his room last week,
he was in the bed screaming, crying.

'Help me, help me!' I woke him,
I shook him and said, 'What's wrong?'

He said, 'Aunt Bunny
is coming to get me.'

He's afraid of your wife. She has
a bigger mustache than his father.

You know what it is, Gus?
I figured it out about your wife.

And I'm gonna say it. And I don't
give a fuck what my wife says.

She can shut the fuck up.

I'm gonna tell you something
I figured out about your wife.

I know where you met your wife.

You told me you met her
15 years ago on a camping trip

and that your wife was Puerto Rican.

Your wife ain't no
mother-fucking Puerto Rican.

I thought she was
when I first met her, Gus.

'Cause I walk up and say, 'Hello,
good to meet you. My name is Vernon.'

She said, 'Hello. I'm Bunny.
Goonie goo goo.'

What the fuck does
'goonie goo goo' mean?

I don't know what the fuck
that shit is to this day.

I thought I learned
some new Spanish shit.

I went up to my friend,
'Hey, Sanchez, goonie goo goo.'

And Sanchez said,
'Get the fuck out of here.'

I've been walking around
for years confused.

And I've finally figured out
where you met your wife.

You didn't meet your wife
on no camping trip.

Your wife's a bigfoot, isn't she, Gus?"

[laughter]

"Your wife is a bigfoot, isn't she?

That's why the bitch's mustache
is so motherfucking thick.

But you shaved the bitch down
and taught her to speak.

I know a motherfucking bigfoot
when I see one.

Don't bring a bigfoot in my home, Gus.

With my children.

The bitch can't talk.
She can't walk a flight of steps.

She's not trained well, Gus.
She cannot walk steps.

I bet she climb the fuck out of trees,
though, don't she, Gus?

Doesn't she?
Do not bring her around here!

And your motherfucking children,
they're bigfeet, too.

They're half-bigfoot, Gus.

'Cause the motherfuckers
is six-years-old

and have afros 17 inches long.

They're little, hairy motherfuckers
just like their mother.

Look at the motherfuckers.
Know how I found you they was bigfoot?

I realized your wife was a bigfoot
when I took your kids fishing last week.

I put the motherfuckers in the boat,

and I took the worm and put it
on their hooks,

and they both sat there and put the
poles down in the motherfucking boat

and slammed their face
in the water for two minutes.

And I think, 'What the fuck
are these kids doing?'

Then they start moving
their heads like this,

and the motherfuckers
come up with fish."

[laughter, applause]

"I jumped back and said, 'Can you
believe this motherfucking shit?'

Then the kid took
the fish out of his mouth

and looked at his brother
and said, 'Goonie goo goo.'"

[laughter]

"I said,
'What the fuck is going on?'

Normal kids don't do
shit like that, Gus.

But I'm going to tell you something.

You can take your motherfucking hairy,
fat-ass wife, mustached bitch,

you can go upstairs
and get the motherfucking dog

and scoop up the shit and take Eddie
and get these motherfucking

long Angela Davis afro-wearin'
motherfucking kids of yours

and put them in the goonie goo goo
mobile and get the fuck out.

And if my wife don't like it,
she can get the fuck out, too."

[mimics pistol, gunshot]
"You missed me, bitch!"

Thank you.

[cheering, applause]

[exclaiming]

Thank you.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh...

[woman] Do it again!

Do the shit again?
[laughing]

Oh, shit.
I'm in Washington, D.C.

[cheering]

Yeah.

Jesus. Christ.

This is where Reagan lives,
not far from here.

- [crowd booing]
- Ron.

Hey, Ron, they the one that's booing.
I ain't said shit.

I mean, I-- Huh?

[indistinct shouting]

- What sucks?
- [woman] Reaganomics.

Reaganomics sucks?

Oh, tell us something
we don't know, motherfucker.

[laughter, applause]

It ain't like people sittin'
around goin',

"Really? Does it suck?
I didn't know."

That's some scary shit, Reaganomics.

Shit's changing, though.
We got black politicians now.

Who's that boy?
Harold Washington?

Harold Washington said, "Fuck it."

And won.

[laughter]

I know he's still sitting around going,
"I really won the motherfucker?"

[laughter, applause]

Jesse Jackson
seen that shit and said,

"Fuck it. I'm going
to run, too. Fuck it."

"Jesse, you can win."
I see his brothers going,

"You can win, Jesse, 'cause you bigger
than motherfucking Harold Washington.

Fuck Harold Washington.

Fuck him, man.
Run for president."

Jesse going,
"Yeah. Fuck that shit."

[laughter]

I seen Jesse in the gym
working the fuck out, too,

boy, getting in shape.

You know if he-- You know
he's got a chance he can win.

White dudes like to do shit like that,

vote for the wrong dude as a goof.

They get drunk and say,
"Let's vote for Jesse Jackson."

[mimics voting booth]

"I just voted for Jesse Jackson."

The next day, they be like this:
"He fucking won?"

[laughter, applause]

Jesse know that shit can happen.

He gettin' in shape. I seen him
runnin' around a track and shit.

I say, "Why the fuck you
gettin' in shape?"

He say, "I'm going to be
the first black president."

Have to give speeches like this--

"My fellow Americans,
as your president, I feel

that we must get together
and join hands--

You watching me,
motherfuckers back there?

'Cause I don't think they're
too happy about this shit."

[applause

The dude be going...

"He won't stand still!"

[chuckling]

[applause, cheering]

Oh, racism-- I ain't hooked up
into all that racism shit--

My motto in life is just
"be happy with motherfuckers."

I ain't into all that racism shit--

Racism ain't as bad
as it used to be.

It's fucked up, but they don't call
niggers "niggers" no more and shit.

White people don't say it,
especially when there's niggers around,

so I guess I wouldn't know.

[laughter]

I went to Texas, though, looking
for racism about two months ago.

I had a show down in Texas.

Got off the plane and shit.

Walked up looking for racism.

My friends always told me, "Better not
go to Texas. They'll fuck you up."

And when a modern-day brother
hear that shit, he goes,

"What? They ain't fuckin' nobody up."

Brothers act like they couldn't
have been slaves 200 years ago.

It ain't like them motherfuckers
liked that shit.

"I wish I was a slave.
I would have fucked somebody up."

"Shit, tell me to bale
some motherfucking cotton.

I would've been
on the street and shit.

He'd have said,
'Hey, yo, nigger, bale this cotton.'

I'd have said, 'Suck my dick, master.'"

[laughter, applause]

"'Suck my motherfucking dick.'

That's right.
I ain't baling the motherfucker."

It wasn't like that.

The first dude that got
off the boat said that shit.

"Bale that cotton."

"Fuck you, motherfucker."

[mimicking whip crack]

Other motherfuckers say,
"We'll bale the shit.

Just keep that fucking shit
away from me."

I got off the motherfucking plane,
walked off, got up, walked up to my bag,

all my black shit on, my black leather,
big-ass medallion, like this.

Little white dude walk up and say,
"This your bag?"

I said, "Yeah, it's my fucking bag!
Why, motherfucker?

A black man can't have a suitcase?"

[laughter, applause]

This dude was, like,
"What the fuck's wrong with this guy?"

It wasn't that bad at all--

I'm winded.
I'm out of breath.

I'm sweating and shit.

[woman] Do Mister Rogers!

[man] Shut up, bitch!

[laughing]

[loud cheering, laughter]

[cheering continues]

[applause, whistling]

Y'all didn't know
I was a ventriloquist, too.

[laughing]

Shit ain't as bad as it used to be.

All that-- You know who
get it real bad now?

Chinese people.
They be getting fucked over bad.

You be teasing 'em and shit--
You ever go into a restaurant

and order up food, Chinese dude be in
there, when he leave, you do like this.

[mocking Chinese accent]

Everybody makes fun of the Chinese
when they order some food.

And they nice guys.
They be all cordial and shit.

"Egg foo yung..."

They leave, you go...
[mocking Chinese accent]

[laughter]

Your friends and shit be laughin'.

He look out the back and say,
"The food is coming right up."

"Thank you."
[mocking] "The food is coming right up."

[laughter]

He probably be in the back
watching us, going, "Yes, very funny."

"Very funny."

[laughter, applause]

"Make a special wonton soup for him."

[applause]

I wonder if they have,
like, a McDonald's in China.

The Chinese people
be walking and saying,

"Give me a Big Mac, strawberry shake,
a large order fry, and a cherry pie."

And dude say, "Big Mac,
strawberry shake,

large order of fries,
cherry pie.

Coming right up." And when
they leave, Chinese dude go,

[mocking American accent]
"Big Mac and a large order of fries,

and a cherry pie."

That's a fucked-up
language, too, Chinese.

It's hard to learn.

I want to learn how to speak Spanish.

That's the shit-- You know what I
really want to learn how to speak?

I'd like to learn how to speak French,
'cause that's some cool shit, French.

[cheering]

You could say "I got to shit" in French,
it'll sound good.

[mimicking French]

Just sound good, man.

I don't like that shit,

that Arabic the motherfuckers
be speakin' in the 7-Eleven.

That shit fuck with me.

It sound nasty and shit.
We gettin' all this--

[mimicking Arabic and snorting]

That's a word in Arabic--
[snorting]

That means some shit to them.

They be walkin' down the street goin'--
[snorting]

"Can I have a ham-and-cheese hero?"

[mimicking Arabic]

"Never mind, man.

I don't want no hocking
on my bread, motherfucker."

Spanish is the language--

I want to learn to speak Spanish because
I was always a Ricky Ricardo buff.

I thought-- When he would
get mad at Lucy and be saying, cursing--

[mimicking Spanish]

I'd say, "Go on, Ricky.
Curse the bitch out."

Ricky would lose his mind.

Ricky was cool and shit.

For the '50s, Desi Arnaz,
Ricky Ricardo was a cool motherfucker.

He had his baggies on and pointy shoes
and the Club Babalu and shit.

[mimicking rhythmic horse hooves]

♪ My horse and carriage
is for hire, Señora ♪

♪ For, yes, as long
as you desire, Señorita ♪

♪ We're going to ride
forget the mañana ♪

♪ And come to Havana with me ♪

[laughter, applause]

Remember that shit?
You be sittin' there like this...

[laughter]

He had a cool-ass laugh, too.
He'd go--

[melodic laughter]

"It's just so ridiculous.

Hey, Fred, how would you
like to fuck me up the ass?"

[laughter, applause]

The TV is all screwed up.

Any kids here?
I mean little kids.

I know a lot of people bring
their little kids down here.

How old are you, man?

How old? Three?

Ooh, you going to be fucked up
when you leave.

"Dad, what's a dick?
What is that?"

How old is that girl right there?

- Five.
- Oh, y'all fucked up now.

Y'all thought I'd be going,
"o'tay," and that shit, right?

You didn't know I'd be saying,
"Our dicks is this big!"

[laughter, applause]

Your kid's going to be
waking up like this,

"The negroes' dicks
are coming to get me, Mom!"

I'm going to tell y'all a little joke
y'all can tell in school, all right?

'Cause I've been tellin'
this dirty stuff.

OK?
Here's a little joke for y'all.

Y'all can listen to it, too.

I know lots of times
people see my show,

then go to work and
try to tell my act

and fuck my jokes up on the job.

Say, "And then he said,
'goonie goo goo.'"

[laughter]

"And he had a G.I. Joe up his ass."

"Hey, I'm Mr. T.
I'll rip your cock off with my ass."

A dude'll be standing, going,
"Yeah, that's very funny shit."

Here's-- Here's a joke
that you can tell down at school

when school starts.

Everybody be quiet now.
Are you listening, guys?

A bear and a rabbit
are taking a shit in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and says,

"Excuse me. Do you have problems
with shit sticking to your fur?"

And the rabbit says, "No."

So the bear wiped his ass
with the rabbit.

[laughter, applause]

[laughing]

I like that joke.

Oh, shit.

Anybody got cable?

[cheering]

I been watching a lot of cable lately
because I'm so mad--

The only good show
on TV now is Star Trek.

[cheering]

That's some good shit.

I like Captain Kirk and shit.

Captain Kirk will fuck anybody.

I seen him beam down
to a planet--

Ever see the episode where
he fucked this green bitch?

You got to be a horny motherfucker
to fuck a green bitch.

I mean, I ain't no racist,
but if the bitch is green,

there's something wrong
with the pussy.

He be fucking,
the music be going...

[humming jaunty music]

Shit be gettin' all fucked up.

Mr. Scott, I like him.
He make me laugh.

He never cool and shit.
He's the opposite of Spock.

The ship be all fucked up
and Mr. Scott'll say,

"Captain, the ship can't take much more
of this, sir. She's about to blow!"

"Let Spock handle it."

And Spock say, "Mr. Scott, why don't you
take the phasers and point them

at the dilithium crystals
and point them phasers at them

and use the power to from the phasers
to regenerate the dilithium crystals,

and we can get out
on impulse power."

"Mr. Spock, it just might work, sir."

The shit worked last week,
motherfucker.

[laughter]

I got fed up with TV and shit,
'cause I seen all the Star Treks.

I started watching cable.

I've been watching--
I was watching Poltergeist last month.

I got a question.

Why don't white people
just leave the house

when there's a ghost in the house?

[laughter, applause]

Y'all stay in a house
too fucking long.

Get the fuck out of the house.

Very simple. It's a ghost in the house,
get the fuck out.

Not only did they stay in the house
with a poltergeist,

they invited more white people over.

Sit around going, "Our daughter
Carol Anne is in the television set."

I would have been gone.

If I had a daughter, I'd been down
to the priest, saying, "Look, man,

I went home and my fuckin' daughter's
in the TV set, so I just fuckin' left.

You can have all that shit. I ain't
going back to the motherfucker.

I just came down so when
she ain't at the school,

you don't think I killed
the bitch or nothing like that.

But she is inside the TV set.
You can have all that shit. Fuck it."

"Mr. Murphy, didn't you try
to save your daughter?"

"I'm a man, I tried to save her.

I turned the channel.
The shit didn't work.

I got the fuck out."

[laughter]

Leave. The kid was only
six years old in the movie.

They couldn't have been
too attached to her. Leave.

In The Amityville Horror, the ghost
told them to get out of the house.

White people stayed in there.

That's a hint and a half for your ass.

A ghost say, "Get the fuck out,"
I would tip the fuck out the door.

They looked in the toilet bowl,
there was blood in the toilet.

They said, "That's peculiar."

I would have been in the house and said,
"Baby, this is beautiful.

We got a chandelier hanging up here,
kids outside playing,

it's a beautiful neighborhood.

We ain't got nothin' to worry--

I really love this.
This is really nice."

"Get out."
"Too bad we can't stay, baby."

[laughter, applause]

[chuckling]

You know,
I want to say something.

You know, like, I think,
maybe, like, 30 years ago,

there was a woman
that wanted to sing in here--

A black lady that sang opera
that wanted to sing.

What was her name?
Marian Anderson.

And this place was like segregated,
and they couldn't sing here.

[cheering]

And she couldn't
sing in the place,

and here we are, like,
not even 50 years later,

a 22-year-old black man onstage

getting paid to hold his dick.

[laughter, applause]

God bless America.

I gotta go now.
Y'all take it easy. Bye-bye.

[loud cheering, applause]

[indistinct chatter]

You are right. Go now.

I'm telling you, you're good, man.

We'll go get the girls.

We'll get the girls right now.

You don't gotta follow us.

What's the name of
the club we goin' to?

Ask Derek. Just tell him--

Caesar's is where we're going.

[indistinct chatter]

That was hot.

Just super.

Everything is arranged.

That was it.

That was it, baby.

Beautiful. Great.