Original subtitles

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Watch out!

Good evening.

Okay, you all know what to do.

ROOM(H)ATES

My dad wanted his player back.

He went to see the other agent and said,

Give me my player.

Why do you begin there?

It's my favorite part.

Begin at the beginning, it's confusing.

It's creepy, talking divorce at a wedding.

You wanna tell us how you wound up in that shirt?

Nah, go ahead.

And begin at the beginning.

First there was nothing, then a Big Bang,

and dinosaurs rocked up.

Gone back far enough?

Very funny.

It started in a restaurant.

Our folks promised to eat out together once a month.

"To keep the magic in their marriage."

Waste of time.

It's so good, I can't decide.

Me neither.

Either the sole or duck?

You? Either or what?

Either divorce or one last chance.

Duck. Screw the diet.

- Hold on, what? - What?

What did you say?

You heard me.

What the hell, Delphine?

Yvan, come on. You're not blind, are you?

You can see we're stuck in a routine.

The spark went out months ago.

We change or we crash. We live side by side, not eye to eye.

I think I get the picture, thanks.

- We're on the edge of the abyss. - The abyss?

We have to act fast.

I never really realized.

What do you suggest?

Same as Alice and Julien.

Buy an Audi A8?

No, I thought not.

I told you a thousand times.

How they decided to have an open marriage.

Alice says it's better than ever now. They're like newlyweds.

Now, sweetheart...

Ready to order?

We're not hungry.

We're not hungry, that's all.

So, you want us to bang...

You want us to bang other people to stay together?

- Sure. - Yeah, it's logical.

You say I'm tight-assed. When I let go a bit...

Let go a lot.

You want to save our marriage?

I'm not sure I could make love to another woman.

With your permission.

24 hours!

You couldn't even wait 24 hours!

Pardon me?

I said an opportunity came up, that's all.

Delph!

Sweetheart, wait!

Let me explain, at least.

You said it'd save our marriage. I didn't want to do it.

But I did it for you.

This is how you react. I don't get it.

If I had to wait, why didn't you set out a calendar?

Get out!

Whaddya mean, get out!

I'll be honest with you.

I hated it. I kept thinking of you.

Scram!

Don't tell me to scram.

Look me in the eye. If I go, I won't come back.

Do what you want, I...

Whoa, you had to watch all that?

Not really, but we saw the consequences.

Easy! There's plenty to go around!

Your turn, Melissa.

Fabulous divorce party!

Who's next?

Look at her.

She seems thrilled.

It's a coping mechanism.

Putting on a show to piss you off.

I always envied you.

The house, perfect family, kids...

It's cool, a buddy's life going to shit.

Seeing this makes me so happy.

That's very thoughtful of you.

Look at the cruelty! Look at it!

Dancing on a grave.

- Elfman. - Danny, yes.

Everything okay?

What a wonderful little party!

Sure, exquisite.

All life's highlights should be celebrated.

For once, you are so right.

Are you sure? It's not Alzheimer's talking?

I'll go get a drink. Before I forget.

Thank you.

Come on.

I always liked your mother-in-law.

Bring on the cake! Bring on the cake!

I'll cut it but not on my own.

Bring on Yvan! Bring on Yvan!

Together?

To the happy divorcees!

That calls for a kiss.

Who bought me a duck?

Delph!

That was me. It's a sex toy, Delph.

In case you strike out on Tinder.

- And this is? - That was me!

I downloaded and highlighted all the crummy rentals you can afford.

This is what I miss.

The moments after our friends go, just you and me.

Me clearing up, you doing jack shit.

Yup, miss that too.

How's house-hunting going?

And work?

It's all coming on fine.

Great.

- You'll quit squatting at Nico's? - I don't squat.

We're kind of roommates.

You'll get your own place?

To take Violette and Lucas alternate weeks?

And pay me alimony?

Of course.

Absolutely!

Always goes around in circles with you.

I didn't make you stay to watch me do all the work.

Fine, I'll bounce.

You bet!

One last thing, my little Delphine.

You'll regret this when I make it big.

You'll make it big?

- Sure I will. - Make it big how?

Like when you wrote kids' erotic novels?

Or ran a bar for deaf mutes?

Riding the blind restaurant wave!

Or saying you'd make it big in Moroccan rugs,

made in France, sold in Morocco!

I was looking for myself, that's all.

And you wound up losing me.

What a line!

Which Adele album is it from?

- Screw you! - Screw me?

Sometimes, I'm glad I cheated on you.

Same here. I wish you'd done it earlier.

Stupidly, I waited for permission.

Yeah. After 15 years living in a rut, about time it ended!

Poor girl, the road ahead is long and celibate.

Your road ahead goes straight to Shitsville.

Take a good look at me.

You can shove it when I'm the league's top agent.

Rest assured, I want you gone.

Cool, I'm going.

Alright, go.

- Dumb cow. - Dumb prick.

Tell it to my back.

- Seriously? - Yes.

It worked out after that?

Let's just say, things didn't quite go to plan.

They rarely do.

With me, it's even rarer.

Luckily, I bounce back.

Sir, you can't stay here.

We've had complaints.

Hold on, I live here.

And sleep on the stairs?

I know it seems weird,

but my buddy loans me his pad

when he's not here with a girl.

We have a code. The scarf means I wait.

Let's go!

Wait, you'll see.

Nico!

- Cut it out! - Two seconds.

Keep it down now.

Be very careful, sir.

Yes?

You know this man?

- No. - Obviously. She's a prostitute.

She's a hooker!

Where's Nico?

The girl's a hooker. She takes money.

- Shut it now! - It's obvious!

You're coming in, like it or not.

Why didn't you get the door? I knocked like crazy.

They hauled me out like a bum. It sucked!

- I was with the sister. - Sister what?

The sister of the one who opened up.

Sure I was. Blonde, big tits, slight lisp, total sex freak!

You mean kinky?

- I mean nasty. - Shit!

This can't go on, right?

What can't go on?

3 months squatting my pad.

Squatting, no.

I see us as kind of roommates.

Either I quit fooling around, which is highly unlikely,

especially as my hookup ratio is soaring right now.

Or, I'm sorry, you find your own place.

Let's swap. You bang on the stairs.

That won't happen.

How come?

My sex life trumps our friendship.

That's good to hear.

Mr. Hazan! Have I kept you waiting?

A bit, but it's...

This one is slightly outside your price range.

After all the dumps you've shown me...

Yes, but this one has historical charm, too.

Four more flights.

- Whoa! - Yup.

Ready?

Fireplace.

Look...

A bedroom for your kids.

Great, right?

Great isn't the word.

To top it all, a superb view.

You should see the Sacré-Cœur.

No, there it is! Look!

- No? - No!

You said you worked in soccer? Agent or something?

That's right.

I just got my license, so I don't have too many clients.

But not for long. I have a deal lined up. A major deal!

An exceptional young player.

Real Madrid and Juve want him. As his agent, jackpot.

That's great.

Meantime, I see only one solution.

Great, what?

You got any friends?

Long time no see,

but if I could stay a week or two, I'd be grateful.

For me, no problem, but my wife can't stand you.

- She can't? - Since the accident.

Sure, we were drunk, but you said I'd fly. 5 floors!

Alright, I get it. She's still mad at me?

Ever since, sure.

- She's out of line. - A bit.

I totally bought it. The wings looked real.

Using crepe paper was where I messed up, I admit.

- Good to see you anyway. - Sure.

It's been 5 years.

You never called.

- I'll be going. Thanks. - Bye bye.

I'm tempted to say yes.

But as your buddy, a no will help you grow.

Well, that's just it. A yes would help me grow.

But it's no.

- I see. - To help you...

Buddies like you are hard to find.

Sorry to wake you so late.

- I fought with Delphine. - Shit.

If you could put me up...

I can't. It's way too small here.

Be cool, Pascal, dammit!

I can't afford a hotel.

I'm so broke, I can't fill up my car.

You have a car?

Good point but...

I'm sorry. What?

After all I've done for you, you could...

What have you ever done for me?

Another good point but...

- Come on. - One night. Up and out early.

Thanks, bro.

Shut up! There are children in the building.

Sure.

What the hell!

So he grabs the trainer's foot and drags him into the pool.

- You know why? - No, you tell me.

Cut an orca off from its family, it goes schizoid.

It can flip its lid anytime.

That explains the accidents in aquaparks.

Alright.

You know, Lucas, I...

I'm fine, you know?

Sure, I know.

I mean I'm not about to kill anyone.

I didn't mean it like that.

Really?

So, you're okay?

Of course. Why do you ask?

Your smell.

My smell?

You stink, like a really old dog.

A really old dog?

Any chance you have 20 euros for the cafeteria?

Actually, I...

I left my wallet at...

Okay, forget it.

I swiped a ten from mom. Pay me back when you can.

Thanks, champ.

Hurry.

- See you, daddy. - See you.

Don't worry, your boy wonder'll be fine.

Sure, I worry.

With my luck right now, he'll pick up an injury.

There's a smell of wet dog. Or dead dog maybe?

It stinks. You smell it?

On the breeze perhaps?

Excuse me.

Vernet's here.

- What's he doing here? - No idea.

He's prowling around Alphonse?

No way! You said you'd blow him off.

I own this club.

The bigger the transfer, the bigger my cut.

That guy has 1,500 players. He doesn't care about Alphonse.

He signs him up to make money off his back.

That's soccer for you.

Tell me about it.

If I lose Alphonse, I lose everything. I'm in deepest shit!

I swear.

What's scumbag staring at? Unbelievable.

I'm cursed!

Well?

Great job!

Awesome game.

One goal, one assist. I'll miss you when you're gone.

What's that smell?

Exactly. There's a lingering stench.

What's Vernet want? What's gotten into him?

He gave me headphones. The new Bose.

Blow my eardrums.

Blow your 'drums, his crappy 'phones? Pisses me off.

- Why don't I get gifts from you? - I'm poor. I'm not Vernet.

Kidding, Yvan.

I couldn't care less about gifts, and even less about Vernet.

He's a pussy hound with no morality.

I heard he cheats on his wife like a real pig.

He's just like my father.

I hate guys who endanger their families

for a piece of ass.

It drives me mad.

It's plain wrong, I agree.

You have a sense of family.

You love your wife and kids. It matters to me.

As time goes by, I realize all that counts is family.

It's the cement of life.

The cement of life!

You got a place to stay tonight?

- Why not hers? - Whose?

Delphine's.

With the recession,

lots of divorced couples are roommates.

- Yeah? - It's the big thing.

Maybe so, but she'll never agree.

Yeah.

- And you have your pride. - My pride!

- You bet. - Too right.

- Well... - Anyway...

You'll be okay?

Yeah.

Sorry about tonight. Nathalie...

- You know Nathalie. - No kidding.

- Have fun. - See you.

Can you spot me the train fare back to Paris?

Sorry to sponge off you the whole time.

One day, I'll pay it all back. I promise.

No worries.

- See you later. - No. Your luggage.

My luggage, if that's the word.

Maybe not.

- It's because I bailed so fast. - Of course.

See you, buddy.

Sorry, sir. The card's blocked.

Okay, I'll get it in cash.

- Everything? - No, the fries'll be just fine.

And sauces, if you have any.

A lot.

- There you go. - Maybe a couple more.

Thanks.

Holy shit!

You can't sleep there!

That's my bench!

Don't worry, sir, I dozed off. I'm not staying, it's your bench.

That's what we all say the first time.

There's room for two, if you want. You're cute.

Thanks, but I'm not interested.

That's what we all say the first time.

What the heck!

Knock it off.

Seriously?

Fuck it!

Morning.

Delphine Hazan, please.

Delphine Hazan? Has she been with us long?

Maybe 5-6 years.

The lady hit by a horse?

Not at all. She's not a patient.

She isn't?

- Don't you recognize me? - No.

It's not my first time here.

I see lots of people.

Delphine Hazan, the nurse in...

I get it.

Delphine Parisot. Miss Parisot!

Miss Parisot?

Ex-Hazan. She hates anyone calling her Hazan.

Who knew?

- I'll call her. - Do that.

Will you marry me?

I'm tempted, but no.

Delph, it's for you. Yvan.

I'm busy, I'll call back.

He's here, at Admissions.

Apparently, he stinks.

We need to talk.

I'm in a brain operation.

Look, I didn't come to play games.

It's life or death.

It can wait till I'm off duty.

I got sodomized by a bum.

I'll be right there.

He got sodomized by a bum.

- You got sodomized by a bum? - Yeah.

No, but it was a close shave.

- You stink. - Like a dog, I know.

What do you want?

I wanna come home.

Very funny. But seriously?

I knew you'd react like that. I'm not joking.

I'm on the skids.

Practically on the streets. Practically, verging on literally.

It's only temporary, until I get back on track.

As soon as I sign my player, I swear you'll never hear from me again.

How about it? Good idea?

No, of all your crap ideas, it's right up there.

Delphine!

I'm down and begging you. Begging you.

The captain battered by the storm...

Stop the shitty quotations, honestly.

You're the Michel Delpech fan.

As Michel says, in one of his songs,

If you need anything at all

You can count on me Until you land a job

Stop, or I'll kill you.

So that's a refusal?

Of course, it's a refusal. You're not moving back in. Never.

Hard job, nursing without a heart.

Yvan, I'm rebuilding my life.

Anyway, I met someone new.

You met someone...

You did?

- Is it serious? - Nearly.

Nearly? That doesn't make sense.

Sure, it does, it's when...

Shit! I don't have to justify myself.

Has he moved in?

No.

So we're good.

Yvan, chatting with you is so refreshing, a real boost.

But I have work to do...

Wait, Delphine!

Sorry, I didn't want to do this but...

- Since you force me into it. - Force you into what?

The house. We bought it together, remember?

With money my father left me.

Here we are.

What's that?

A copy of the deeds of our house.

I'll enlarge it, so you can see better.

It stipulates that, proportionate to my contribution,

I own 20 % of the house.

So?

Either you buy my 20 %,

or I live in my 20 %.

You're kidding?

No. Can you afford my 20 %?

You know very well I can't.

That's not my problem, is it?

So I'll move into my 20 %.

With the crisis, it's booming.

Lots of divorced couples live as roommates.

Yeah? How would you know?

I read it. In Observer magazine.

You only read sports papers.

True. Nico told me.

Delphine, c'mon, why the long face?

The kids'll be thrilled.

Seriously? You're getting back together?

Not at all.

Try not to look so happy. I appreciate the warm welcome.

Dad's really moving back in?

I think it's awesome.

Fabulous. So, no problem giving him your room?

What?

You're not slobbing on my couch like trash.

Your couch is, in part, mine.

And pipsqueak?

In your room.

That's not happening.

Violette, I resent this situation too.

Your father leaves us with no choice.

Don't care. I'm not sharing with Youporn.

What's she talking about? What is U-Porn even?

Lucas, don't push it.

Can't you divorce like everybody else? First, your lame divorce party.

Now this. You're nutjobs!

Grow up, dammit!

Violette, come back!

- Leave it to me. - Exactly.

Show you your room?

At least, I won't get lonely.

Here, take your whale.

No way! They can't bear to be separated.

Promise me one thing...

- What? - Promise me!

Promise you what?

My posters. They're arranged by family.

- So what? - Touch them and I'll notice!

What if my hand's possessed?

I forbid you.

Oh, Lord! I wanna touch the poster!

Fooled you! "They're arranged by family!"

It's all good.

- She agreed? - She said she'd hang herself.

Is that all?

Good stuff.

So your ex is the tapeworm type? Not easy to get rid of.

You're telling me.

I know, I just did.

You're right, it's good.

Weird, thinking about it.

Live with a guy 15 years, and overnight he's a stranger.

A stranger who knows you inside out.

I know. Weed makes me ultra-aware.

I always knew it was a dumb idea.

Morning.

Who let you touch my stuff?

This is yours?

Makeover!

Give me it.

The lady knows what she wants. She's a horny little pussy.

Cut it out.

The tigress!

- Starting over, that's all. - So I see.

We're out of coffee?

No, I don't drink coffee, so no coffee.

Good call, the fridge.

What?

Losing the photo of me. Ruined it.

What do we have here? Tiramisu, love it!

Mine. Hands off.

Fine.

OJ, I'm allowed?

OJ, sure.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

You said sure.

In a glass!

C'mon, it's not like we never swapped spit.

Yvan, promise me something.

You'll do all you can to make this situation temporary.

Delphine, don't go thinking I'm glad to be here.

You expect me to answer that?

Pasta and curried chorizo bake! Cook the pasta in...

I cooked the pasta.

Slice the chorizo.

Shit!

Now I'm ready to tackle the onion...

Not so fast.

We're going to add the egg yolk

mixed with curry to the pasta.

Curry? I'm out. I'll use this.

And stir.

Deglaze with the vinegar.

Deglaze?

After a few minutes, the cream takes on a pretty color...

There we go, that'll deglaze it.

The next step is in the oven.

- Sure but... - 5-10 minutes under the grill.

Good evening.

You dolled yourself up!

You cooked!

Pasta with chorizo.

Can I ask a question?

Please do.

How often did you cook in 15 years?

I didn't keep count but I'd guess...

The answer is between zero and never.

What's going on?

Violette's sleeping at Lea's, and I'm eating out.

Where you going?

To get laid by a rugby team.

Sevens rugby or 15-man?

Goodnight.

It's good, us behaving like grown-ups.

It's...

grown up.

You made it!

- For you. - Thanks.

I'd given up on you.

Check out the dress!

So, who am I gonna shag?

I didn't dress up for nothing.

Shit, William! Why didn't I think of him earlier?

Because he's sexually repressed?

He's hot, he just got divorced...

Perfect for healing my narcissistic wound.

Any luck, I'll score an orgasm within a week.

Fair enough, William to start.

Start small. Or you might strain something.

Delphine's here!

How are you?

Well?

Tastes good.

You're right, it's disgusting.

Know what?

Let's dunk granola bars in milk.

That'll be just fine.

We were going nowhere.

Two children.

The desire all gone.

William, do you think I'm pretty?

Yes.

Pretty enough to seduce?

I dunno...

Be honest.

Yes.

Great.

- Let me give you some advice. - Alright.

To seduce a woman, make it about her, not your ex-wife.

Got that?

Got it.

Top me up?

Actually, you're very beautiful.

More beautiful than my ex-wife.

Thanks.

You're not sick of the same film every time?

You're joking. It's an amazing story.

Orca takes revenge after fishermen massacre his wife and baby.

Just like Taken.

No.

Taken is a father saving his daughter from a prostitution ring.

Totally different.

You know, dad, when you get a place,

I'll call every night, so you hear my voice.

That's sweet.

The weeks we're not with you,

I'll leave you a t-shirt with my scent.

A call every night's enough.

You're so funny.

I love it. Really?

Awesome!

You're gorgeous, he likes you. Let's roll!

Goodnight, and see you next week.

Safe home!

- What are they doing? - Going home.

We all have work tomorrow.

Not me. I have tomorrow off.

This is a catastrophe.

A catastrophe? Famine, war, those are catastrophes.

You don't get it.

If I'm home early, he'll be ecstatic.

- Who do you mean? - Yvan.

He'll think I had a shit time.

Divorce really simplified things between you.

- Goodbye then. - Bye.

Drive me home?

I have a really early start tomorrow.

Okay, let's hit it.

See you.

Drive safely.

Up ahead, take a left.

Alright.

There we are!

I'll be going.

It was sweet of you to drive me home.

You're right, let's not rush this.

You okay?

Great!

I had an awesome night!

My first multiple orgasm!

Cool. I'm very happy for you.

No, you wouldn't get it.

Mom?

Time to take me to school.

Where's your father?

I don't know.

A kiss!

My tiramisu!

The bastard!

- Don't mind me. - Fuck!

Lock the door when you...

- I thought I was alone. - Except you're not.

I keep telling you, we need a downstairs toilet.

We don't need anything. There is no we.

Put that away.

It's not like you never saw it.

Sure, but never again.

Just kidding.

Get out!

I can't until I finish what I started. It's not a faucet.

There we are.

Say...

You had a boob job?

Yvan, beat it.

You had a boob job.

No way.

I didn't have a boob job.

That is so cute. You wax now?

A nice landing strip.

Damn!

Sign of the times. In my day, it was...

Sherwood Forest, the Amazon.

Yosemite!

Knock it off!

What's that noise?

Beat it!

- What's that? - Beat it! Leave me alone.

Leave me in peace!

With Nico's present?

- Scram! - Fun with your sex toy?

Stop it!

At 9:30!

Get lost!

- Hormones fizzing or what? - Back off!

I'll be back with a big, fat cucumber.

I can't take any more, dammit!

Come with me.

Can't you see I'm working?

Come and see this now.

Let's go, move your ass!

All this here is off limits.

That...

That is your section.

You split the fridge with tape, like we're roomies.

20 %, house and fridge.

You're joking!

I'll put you up, not feed you.

Moving on?

Know what this sign means?

- I asked you a question. - Yes.

Perfect. Let's keep going.

This bathroom schedule is based on my duty roster.

As I have 80 % of the house, and a job,

it seems fair I get priority.

What if I wanna pee another time?

You ask nicely for permission.

And please leave here with the lavatory seat down

and paper on the roll.

I always lower the seat and leave paper.

Stop!

Come on, next step.

What's that?

The divorce ruling.

I can't enlarge it, it's paper.

It says here we have custody of the kids alternate weeks.

So, as for the living room, simples. Alternate weeks.

The weeks you have the kids, it's yours.

How can we have alternate custody under one roof?

Why not? School, homework, meals, every other week.

Isn't that what you wanted?

Delphine, I have work to do.

If that was true, you wouldn't be here.

I think that's about it.

Any questions?

Marvelous, but if I object, what happens?

You leave.

Anyway, I don't object.

Cool.

That's just wonderful!

I should've done that with hubby.

You divorced?

No, he's dead.

I'm really sorry.

Don't be. I was bored out of my head with him.

That calls for a joint.

Absolutely, you bet.

My grandson rolls them for me.

He's a dopey prick, but he has agile fingers.

How'd it go? He obeyed the rules?

He started out as meek as a mouse,

but a leopard doesn't change its spots.

You're an amazing kisser.

- I dunno... - Want to come in?

Yes.

Doesn't your ex-husband still live here?

Not tonight. His player has a match in the sticks.

The kids are at my mom's.

- Delphine? - What are you doing here?

I couldn't sleep, so I was reading.

No, here in the house?

Right, the match was cancelled. A storm in Vierzon.

Why am I not surprised?

I don't know.

I picked the kids up from your mother's.

Brought them home and here I am.

Who's he?

My lover.

Not just yet.

Nice to meet you.

William.

Must be a magician.

No, a doctor. I work with your wife.

He doesn't care.

You mind if we carry on?

Go ahead. Act like I'm not here.

It's a bit awkward.

He doesn't give a damn.

Goodnight.

Willie?

- You're a doctor? - Yes.

I have a question. I've been having trouble breathing,

with a kind of wheezing in my pipes.

- Really? - Is it serious?

- I don't know. - I'll show you. Listen.

I see. Yes, it's...

Unsettling, isn't it?

Scram!

Yes, I'll leave you to it.

I'm sorry.

No problem.

As for appendicitis, is there an age limit?

I get this tingling, like a stinging, in my lower groin.

Get lost!

I hope you picked up some condoms.

An STI is easily caught.

Act like he's not here.

I'm trying.

Look at me.

- Concentrate. - Okay.

Hang in there.

It's gone quiet. You're done?

Yvan, get lost!

William!

A quick word of advice...

Delphine loves being on top.

That's how she...

Beat it or I'll chop your nuts off!

You already did long ago, darling.

I am not your darling!

I'm not your darling anymore, got it?

Let me get my bones jumped here.

Unlike you, I stuck it out over 24 hours.

You gave me permission.

What's going on?

You're having a threesome?

I'm afraid to inform you, your mother's a nympho.

You can't say that!

- Cheating on me, under my very nose! - I'm not cheating on you.

We're not together anymore.

Get it into your head!

We have divorced!

We divorced.

I'll be going.

No, you stay right here.

We've been separated for months. I can bring a guy home.

Come on, children.

Let your mother enjoy her stranger.

Exactly!

I'll read a story, give you a hug...

The three of us, like it used to be.

Mean! Another man in your house with your wife.

I have to admit, it wasn't easy.

I don't know how I'd react.

How'd you take it?

Like a man. Pretty good, I think.

You're very mature.

- You think? - Yes.

I think it's simply...

With age, you learn to act like a grown-up.

You have to embrace maturity.

That really is the key to...

The key to maturity, I guess.

Dad, I'm stuck. Can you help?

No.

Not my week.

You're here, right?

Act like I'm not here.

Seriously? Mom sucks at math.

Baby, I didn't test her math when I met her.

It never occurred to me. Let's go.

Don't huff!

I'm sick of it. They're busting my balls.

What's the problem?

Dad won't help me with math. It's not his week.

Want me to help?

- Help do what? - Help with your math.

As if. You're not in 10th grade. And you only get C's.

Messing up my homework doesn't mean I suck.

Pardon me?

I don't want to skip a year or two,

in the failing public school system.

I don't follow you.

It's pretty simple.

I don't want to rush into the world of work.

It's chaos.

You fake sucking at school?

Trust me, it's harder than it looks.

The first thing I see when I wake up...

- Yeah. - Her face.

You have no idea how happy that makes me.

I'm so stuck on that woman...

We've been together so long, so many years,

it's not love anymore, it's...

pure compacted energy, full of joy and moods, you see?

She's so beautiful, I could strangle her.

I feel like strangling her, honestly.

No, it's fabulous.

And when the kids bring us breakfast in bed, wow!

Believe me, the family is...

It's something else. Really.

Hold on...

There, like that.

The couple breaks up,

and at the end, it's a real bloodbath.

As long as he catches it first.

The film marked me for life.

I watched my parents for signs they wanted to throttle each other.

Can we not talk about couples breaking up?

I've had my fill.

Yvan.

What did I just say?

Over there.

The look on his wife's face. Magical!

What are you doing here?

- Don't say you're following me. - What's going on?

I'm having dinner.

Duck magret, to be precise.

In excellent company, too.

In our restaurant?

Where you proposed to me.

Where I told you I was pregnant with Violette.

You're here too, so what's the problem?

With a friend, not a whore!

She's no whore, but the daughter of a doctor friend.

How old is she?

Twenty-four.

No kidding.

So you can't pay alimony, but you can buy a slut dinner.

Sorry, it's...

Laure insisted on coming here and on paying.

- Really? - Sure.

You have an apartment?

Yes, with my roommates.

Fantastic. Yvan loves roomies.

If there's a room for my kids alternate weeks.

Stop, it's getting silly.

What a relief to be rid of him!

Thanks a lot. Good luck. Enjoy your meal.

Thanks. Enjoy yours, too.

She's not a slut.

He could find way worse.

Asshole!

- You didn't pull your punches. - She's 24!

24? You are so right.

If these 24-year-old sluts muscle in on our men,

what are we gonna do?

How about truffle omelet?

Or a soft-boiled egg?

I dunno...

Do you...

The gentleman who just left said you're picking up his check.

Evening, ladies.

- Who's he? - My daughter's ex-husband.

What's he doing here?

He's broke. With her heart of gold, she puts him up.

I'd just point out, it's my home too.

The main thing is, she's dumped him at last.

I adore my daughter's husband. A remarkable man.

You're very lucky, Chantal.

- I'm here. - Sons-in-law are a real lottery.

Alright, then.

Whose turn is it?

- Playing games? - Yours, Josephine.

Hey, girls.

I'm thirsty.

I'll fix me a drink.

Now, what do we have here?

Chilly tonight.

So then, having fun?

If I were you, I'd toss out

that one.

You think?

Absolutely.

Sit tight.

This'll make a great family photo.

I'll just explain the concept.

We're gonna take a selfass.

Check this out.

We're happy with the son-in-law.

Voilà!

Beautiful!

Ladies...

Enjoy your evening.

A fine cock he has on him.

Mom, can we talk a second?

Of course, honey. Whenever you want.

Even if it's not your week?

I'm not like your father.

How long is this joke gonna drag on? I'm sick of it.

What joke?

The one you guys are acting out.

Your father and I are doing our best to spare you all we can.

Blindingly obvious.

All this is grown-ups' stuff.

You'll understand when you're older, okay?

Delphine, can you open up? I need a pee.

Not now.

I can't hold it in, it won't wait.

Sorry, I was here first.

I'm late for an important meeting.

I'm asking politely, please open the door.

Screw it, I was first.

Open the door, dammit!

This is nuts! Open up or I swear I'll...

- You'll what? - I'll piss on it. I swear!

See you.

I'll do it, I don't care.

See, you only ever...

- You're there? - Yes, I'm here.

- I didn't know. - Do your grown-up thing.

I wouldn't piss on it.

Look what I found.

My mother-in-law's wedding gift. Straight up...

Don't tell, she'll bust my ass.

- Know how much it costs? - No.

Me neither, but I'd say...

It's great to see you all. I haven't seen you since...

Max's wedding.

You're home? You're not on call?

What's going on?

It's Yoyo's birthday.

You didn't put that one in your diary.

We'd lined up the Caruso, but it was shut,

so we moved the party here.

Seeing as it's my week.

Everybody's okay?

Yeah, great.

Pull up a chair. Join us.

I'm going to bed, thanks. I'm pooped.

Goodnight.

Relax, I'm not at all upset.

So, my mother-in-law

has no great talent, except for wine.

Château Malescot Saint-Exupéry. I promise you, it's...

For your birthday, Yoyo!

Actually, you Marie...

That upsets me.

All those hours with you sobbing about Jacques banging his secretary.

Talking you out of divorce, remember?

What the hell! You wanted a divorce?

No, rest assured.

I told her payback was banging your brother.

How about we taste the wine? A bottle uncorked is a...

I forget the expression.

Pass me that glass, will you?

And you, and your firm's problems...

You wouldn't tell your wife in case she bailed.

You remember?

Whose shoulder did you cry on, you poor little CEO? Mine!

Don't look at me like that.

The perfect couple! The day after we broke up,

telling me you'd always be there for me.

Wondering how I'd stayed so long with a jerk like him.

Any more? Who's next?

Look at me.

Come here.

Zip it!

- Yoyo, happy birthday again. - Yeah, thanks.

Who needs David Guetta? You make a party go with a bang.

Yeah, right.

- See you. - Take care.

THE OFFSIDE RULE

Great job, champ.

Here, sweetheart.

Thank you.

Awesome! I haven't got this one.

Great, I'm so pleased.

Here, this is my gift.

This year, I'm low on funds.

It's a boat.

Don't sulk. You give me drawings, I never complain.

Okay, no gift, but do something for me.

Do what?

Tell me how you guys met.

He's right. You're always fighting, like you were never in love.

How did you fall for each other?

Answer his question.

Well, it was one spring evening.

I was with Nico. Bored.

Hanging out in Paris, nowhere to go.

We'd heard about a nurses' party.

At most nurses' parties, there are lots of girls.

We gatecrashed the party.

And I found myself looking straight at your mother.

She was so beautiful.

I was rooted to the spot.

And then...

I summoned up all my courage

and invited her to dinner. I went all out.

I guess. It was a regular Chinese.

It was all I could afford.

Better than you can afford now.

Yeah, maybe.

Anyway,

we get to the restaurant and I'm scared to death.

She was intimidating. Beautiful,

intelligent and so...

To cover up for being so nervous, I...

I kept downing shots of lychee brandy.

Gruesome.

Soon, I was drunk and...

I puked. There you go.

I took him back to his student pad and...

I looked after him all night, holding his head.

That's right.

Goodness me.

I still regret it.

I don't remember a thing, not even our first kiss.

- Seriously? - I really regret it.

You didn't kiss me that night.

You said I did.

No. I figured I'd say you'd made first base,

- so you'd shoot for second. - No joke?

Our first kiss was at the Pixies concert, remember?

You bet, I remember.

You bet.

I know what you have in mind.

Believe me...

It's not a good idea.

What do I have in mind?

You got a problem?

A problem with your face?

I know what you're thinking.

I know you want to.

I'm dying to, too.

It'd be madness.

I had in mind to wash the glasses but since you're dying to...

I'll leave it to you.

The dish soap's there.

She's more beautiful than ever.

She always was beautiful,

but you stopped looking at her.

You know me better than anyone.

Tell me honestly. Why do I...

Why do I fail at everything? How come I always screw up?

I couldn't even make Delphine happy.

We're here to pick up chicks. Look...

Damn, she's gone.

Answer me.

- What? - Answer me.

There are no failures.

Only people who give up.

And you gave up often.

- You think? - I don't think, I know.

I saw you. I know you.

Every time, you went all in.

You were sure this idea was the one.

It'd solve everything, it was your shot at success.

Every time, you gave it all you had.

And it was great.

But as soon as there was a problem, somehow you...

You let the doubts kick in, or you're full-blast,

then half-blast when a better idea comes along.

You'd go chasing your next dream. Every time the same.

There was nothing wrong with your projects.

That's not the problem.

The problem is you.

You're scared.

Maybe a bit scared but who isn't, I dunno.

Scared of what, for example?

Not making the grade.

Scared of putting heart and soul into something,

and making a fool of yourself.

It doesn't matter.

How about you finish what you start for once?

I'll start by finishing this drink. To start with.

There you go.

It's awful, but I'll finish it.

Great!

Thanks.

You okay?

Yeah.

- Want any help? - What for?

Thousands of times, I've made it home on auto-pilot.

I said, it was a fun evening.

You're my brother.

You're my buddy.

Shit!

Dumbass car's way too low!

Easy on the door.

Dammit!

Okay?

All okay, just great.

I kinda hurt my butt though.

I didn't do a thing!

You're vile. You're trying to rape me?

Are you nuts?

Bullshit! Why else are you here?

I'm wasted, that's why.

I got drunk, I wound up here somehow.

I didn't touch you.

Trust me, it was you...

It was you who climbed on me and started doing those...

You're saying I...

Kind of.

You're out of your mind!

Knock it off. I'm not the one in heat!

Get out or I'll kill you. I'll gouge your eyes out,

pull your nails out.

You wanna finish up first? Looks like you need it.

- Me? - Yeah, you.

Yes, you!

William the magician won't take you to 7th heaven.

He's marvelous, my magician!

So why put moves on me?

Me?

With your landing strip, your babydoll, your rubber duck.

I know what you want, I know what you need.

It's right here.

- Get the hell out! - No problem.

I'm not desperate like I just got out of jail.

My pillow!

I swear they hooked up.

You heard it wrong.

I gotta talk to Lea.

At one in the morning?

Dummy, I need to talk about it to someone.

Talk to me.

I won't call Lea but you gotta listen.

I spit-swear!

Seriously, we get all the shitty sides of divorce without the cool stuff.

I mean, everybody told me the divorce would be great fun.

Your folks on each other's backs, not yours.

Know what? Since her parents divorced,

Lea gets five times more allowance, and grades half as good.

Just imagine...

The idiot!

"Nobody likes you."

"What are you waiting for? Hang yourself."

"Get lost!"

"Go to hell!"

"You're a piece of shit."

"You crap your pants, you runt."

"Lucas, the shitty runt!"

- Who's he? - Your daughter did that to him.

Apparently, the jerk was bullying Lulu.

Mr. and Mrs. Hazan. Please come on in.

- How are you? - Fine, thanks.

It had been going on three months.

Three months?

The ring-leader will be expelled, and his friends warned.

Why didn't you talk to us?

We can't talk to you guys, that's why.

Kitten, we're there for you.

Like really.

Who told me, act like I'm not here?

Great for a daughter to hear.

You're the same.

You're having marital issues?

We've broken up.

They divorced and live together.

- How do we get closure? - Stop it.

You're living together?

Yes. Indeed we do.

Mostly due to the crisis.

The financial crisis that struck 5-6 years ago.

Lots of divorced couples are roommates. It's booming.

You don't read Observer magazine?

I'm sick of you messing up my room.

Is it healthy, me seeing you butt naked?

Butt naked!

And your crappy cooking!

Since you came back, I've put on 3 kilos.

- Now that... - Get off your high horse.

Who brings guys home for "threesomes"?

- Children come out with stuff... - Unbelievable!

Can you both step outside? I need a word.

Children, leave the grown-ups to talk.

I was talking to you.

For real?

Thank you.

I'm sorry, I had no idea.

Don't worry, it'll be fine.

They needed bringing into line.

I'll cancel your warnings.

I belittle you?

Didn't you hear what they said about you?

- You walk around butt naked. - Maybe so.

Not for gangbangs, at least!

How can you say that? With the children next door?

You heard what they said to the nice principal?

Leave me alone!

Should I call social services?

No, thanks, it's fine. We'll handle it.

Hold on...

You don't leave your parents.

It's only until you guys settle your problems.

Say something.

It'll be great at Granny's. She lives alone.

She has no one to fight with.

It'll make a change.

That's Granny.

Don't worry, it'll be fine.

No stress, dad.

Try to understand, they've had it with...

Come on, get in the car now.

So? They take it okay?

Hardly.

I'm going to work.

When I get home, I want you gone.

I'll take out a mortgage to buy out your share.

Yvan, you said not to drop by, but you're not picking up.

I need to talk right now.

C'mon...

What you doing?

A new game.

No, you don't. You suck.

And see this coin right here? This coin says it's my turn.

There are lots of cars.

I want this one! Get lost!

I'll call the cops.

Crazy!

Calm down, cool it.

You guys are super touchy here.

- Hi, how are you? - Yeah, hi.

- Handcuffs? - Shut it.

I'm not Bin Laden. Relax.

Can't drink anymore, can't do anything anymore...

You want my picture?

Alright? Sleep well?

You hope to get a loyalty card?

What's she doing here?

She was with me when you called.

With you?

With you?

Great time to bang my wife's best friend. Classy!

Lemme explain. It all started at your divorce party.

I didn't mention it 'cause I didn't think...

But it's serious.

Is it?

Not for you?

Well, sure.

I won't marry before I'm 40.

No worries, I'll wait.

You're kidding me!

Damn, Alphonse called.

- You didn't talk to him? - No, why?

He's not why you got wasted?

How come?

What the hell have you done?

Yesterday, Alphonse says it's you. Today, he's signing with Vernet.

What are you talking about? What is this?

Apparently, he dropped by and spoke to Delphine.

Can't we discuss this?

What's to discuss?

Your wife told me. You're worse than my dad.

You're not a man of your word.

I promise, I swear...

Don't call me again.

- Okay? - Fine.

I need to see the kids.

Lucas!

Violette!

Save your breath, they're not here.

There's no school today. Where are they?

With their mother.

I mean, at William's.

William the doctor?

At his country house.

And the address? Of the country house?

If I had it, I wouldn't give it to you.

Know what, Sophie?

Unlike you, I always had a soft spot for you.

A real soft spot.

First time we met, I thought,

if Delphine ages like her mother, I'm the happiest man alive.

Don't try to bamboozle me.

I wouldn't dare.

Last time flattery got a man anywhere with me was in 1975.

You give me no choice.

See that? The address or it goes online

with your name and address.

Go ahead. With any luck, it'll reboot my sex life.

I'm sick of it. Sophie!

I need your help.

I can't give up.

Do you understand? I cannot.

For once in my life, I'll finish what I started.

Double 3 would be cool.

- 6. You lose. - Give me a break.

So you gave him your car?

I was weak. I always had a soft spot for him.

No, you always despised him.

Gotta go, here he is.

- Who's that? - My dad.

He's quite an invasive ex.

I'll go welcome Lucas and Violette's daddy.

What's he want?

Nothing. It's under control.

Watch out, dad. He could be loopy.

I'd like to talk to Delphine.

No.

The best is for you to turn around and go back.

Be a good boy, keep out of this.

Did you hear me?

Don't touch me!

- Beat it! - I'm not going anywhere.

Let go!

Only if you beat it!

Not my eye, that hurts!

- What the hell's she doing? - Lucas!

Let go of daddy!

It's him!

My glottis!

Let go!

I won't let go!

Stop!

Break it up!

He started it, jumping me from behind.

Anyone moves, I'll smoke 'em.

Don't move, anyone.

Since my divorce, he's been unsettled.

Hey, kid...

Lower the rifle.

Shut it! Or I blow your head off.

Okay, sweety pie, let's keep calm.

You want to play Connect 4?

You always enjoy Connect 4.

Or would you prefer...

You'd prefer we sort M&Ms by color?

Why'd you come exactly? To make trouble, as usual?

Listen to me!

I need you all. Right here, right now.

Why right now?

- You want this to end? - More than anything.

Great, that makes two of us. Come on, I'll explain in the car.

Hurry.

Quickly, sweetie.

Watch out!

Careful!

Okay, you all know what you have to do.

You're the player I wanted. I'll take you to the top.

With this contract, you join our big, beautiful family.

Alphonse.

What the hell!

Hold on, Alphonse.

Okay, I lied and made stuff up, but they're here.

My daughter, wife and son all support me.

To show you I'm a good family man.

- I don't care. I'm signing. - Listen.

I'm not him, I'm not Vernet. I'm not obsessed with money.

So he plays for free?

I didn't say that.

You'll be well paid, you're a soccer pro.

What I want

is to find you a club, where you blossom and grow.

Like a family, like us.

What family?

You betrayed your family.

I did not. I'm not like your father.

Okay, fun's over.

Get rid of the losers, the grown-ups are busy.

No, please. Don't sign.

If you do, Yvan has no chance.

We'll have to keep him and never get rid of him.

That's not the plan.

We're sick of him in the house.

Mom!

Don't you want your room back?

Sure but...

He's our dad even so.

- You said you'd had enough. - Yeah but...

The jerk! Even his family wants him out.

How long's a career in soccer?

Ten years, tops?

Perfect.

The first ten years are the best with Yvan.

He's there for you, thoughtful and considerate.

Like you're the most important person in the world.

You feel special, and that is ultra rare.

It's only later things go sour,

and it's tough 'cause it was so amazing,

but those first ten years,

you have no idea how it feels to be loved by him.

In your shoes, I wouldn't pass up the chance.

Very touching, really very touching.

We have work to do.

I have to kick them out?

No, wait!

- What are my parents' names? - What is this?

- My parents' names! - How should I know?

Isidore and Amélia.

My date of birth?

This is ridiculous.

22nd October, 1999.

What's my superstition?

Not one superstition, several.

On the bus, perfect symmetry on your table.

Same goes for your locker.

And everything in pairs in the fridge.

Or he goes nuts.

You run out for a game right foot first.

That's no superstition, it's tradition. Since he was 9.

To find out, you need to take an interest.

C'mon, let's go.

Coming through.

- Your grand plan really sucked. - I know.

But I got on a roll at the end there.

It felt like I had him, but no.

I totally see what you mean, ma'am.

He's a good guy.

3-year contract, great salary, huge bonuses.

10 goals so far this season.

With that contract, dad got an apartment near mom's.

You guys got your rooms back?

At mom's. At dad's, we decided to share.

- And your parents? - What about them?

- They're back together? - No way.

- What? - We never promised a happy ending.

You think this is a big mistake?

I don't think so. I'm sure of it.

Mistake-marriage, marriage-mistake!

Baby, what are you doing? Come and dance!

Coming, sweetheart!

Go dance with mama.

Gimme a break.

Thing is, unlike some guys, I'm rich.

If I wanna take off right now,

I can.

Very smooth, Roger Moore.

Great start to a love story. Very promising.

The magic of money!

Bravo!

- Okay, dad? - Honey, I'm hammered.

- You're not hammered. - I am.

- You seen your mom? - Sure, over there.

Now you tell me.

- Over there? - Yes, over there.

I was looking all over.

Can I have a quick word?

That's him, your ex?

It's funny. He's exactly how I pictured him.

Very funny.

I'll go see if I can pick up a younger man.

Good luck.

Luck has nothing to do with it.

It's all a question of charm.

I'll be going. Or I'll try.

Wow, toughie.

Thanks and goodbye!

- Okay? - Great.

Same here.

A bit hammered, though.

Yes, I had something to show you.

As long as it's not your ass.

Witty. You've been on the weed.

- Not at all. - I know you.

Look...

A house.

A country house!

You can't see on my phone, but it has a pool.

And behind that, a pond with water lilies.

- It's so cute. - Awesome!

Why are you showing me?

Why am I showing you?

I talked to the bank about a mortgage,

'cause a country house for the kids is fabulous.

Trouble is, for the downpayment, I'm kinda short.

20%?

For instance.

I was thinking that, seeing as the kids'll use it,

maybe you...

And maybe me, and maybe both of us...

What makes you laugh?

Is that a yes?

What's so funny?

C'mon, is that a yes?

What?

ROOM(H)ATES

Subtitles: Simon John

Subtitling: HIVENTY