All language subtitles for Family Guy - S16E20 - Are You There God It s Me, Peter (Uncensored)

Ms today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things
that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

- Peter, you're not
even dressed.
- For what?

Chris's class is performing
a rock and roll choir.

They've been practicing
for months.

"For months," or "four months"?

For months. Three months.

Not long enough. Pass.

I just wish we were doing songs

that weren't so hard
to sing as a group.

♪ Six o'clock, TV hours,
don't get caught
in foreign tower ♪

♪ Slash and burn, return,
listen to yourself churn ♪

♪ Lock him in uniform and
book burning, bloodletting ♪

♪ Leonard Bernstein ♪

♪ Birthday party, cheesecake,
jelly bean, boom... ♪

- How was it?
- Terrible.

We now return to a 1980s movie

you remember fondly,

but now feels
excruciatingly slow.

All right, Stripes.
Ah, this was hilarious.

All right, Bill Murray's
driving a cab.

Still driving a cab.

Shot of the town.

Going over a bridge.

Traffic's neither
heavy nor light.

Get in the Army!

I hope you don't plan
on just lying on the couch

and watching TV all weekend.

That's exactly
what I plan to do.

It's a free premium channel
preview weekend.

Even Cinemax.

One of the shows is actually
two boobs fighting.

Sadly, there's still
no penetration.

Well, just expect me to do

a lot of sour-faced,
arms-folded head shaking.

Well, in return,

you'll get a lot of
beaten-down husband
eye-rolls.

One of the neighbors
called about

a passive-aggressive
domestic dispute.

Ooh, is that Stripes?

Eh, he's not in the Army yet.

Peter, this is ridiculous.

You've been lying here
all weekend.

I'm not bringing you
any more food.

I don't need you to.
I got a thousand
dollar credit

from Uber Eats 'cause
that driver pinched my bottom.

Okay, well if you don't
get up, I won't have sex
with you.

And that will be
different how...?

And I'm still married
to you because...?

Guys, second time this week.

Peter, you got to come outside.

We found a used condom
on the sidewalk.

That's a bigger deal
than regular garbage.

Ribbed. A woman
was pleased with it.

You got to see this, Peter.
A used condom.

Just right out here.
And there's panties nearby.

Joe, you're a cop.
What do you think
happened here?

I'll tell you what happened.

Somebody did it. Yeah!

Peter, come out here
and high five us

over the sex someone else had.

Someone had sex?

I got to touch another guy's
hand to celebrate.

Oh, now he gets to the Army.

Hmm. I've seen this before.

It's from Ethan Allen,
if I'm not mistaken.

- Am I gonna be okay?
- You'll be fine.

Here's a video
to help you understand.

Hi, I'm Oliver Platt,
and I'm currently fused
to this chair.

But how does it happen?

When a fat guy's sweaty skin

presses against couch fabric

for an extended period of time,

the fabric fibers fuse
together with the skin.

The longer
you stay sedentary,
the stronger the bond.

My advice: relax.
It's not the end
of the world.

Being fused to furniture
hasn't stopped me

from being an adult
with a child's name.

And having thicker hair
than a werewolf.

The procedure is called
"Rip You Off Real Fast."

Very painful. Ready?

Actually, I've decided
to keep the couch on me.

Really? Are you sure?

Oh, yeah. This is nothing.

I've been in uncomfortable
situations before.

Like, whenever
I meet famous people.

Hey, what's up?

I'm Snoop Dogg,
know what I'm saying?

I do.

But you don't, Peter, you don't.

- How is it? Is-a good?
- Eh, it's a little tight.

A little tight in-a the couch?

Yeah, it's a little tight
in the couch.

Hey, what's it like
going through life

- holding needles in your lips?
- Is-a not easy.

Some-a time-a the needle,
they poke-a my lip,

and I say-a, "Mamma mia!"

Well, you still got
James Brolin coming in here,

autographing your photos.
That's kind of cool.

You want to know
something, a-Peter?

He no come in here.

I take-a the photo
from the dry cleaner's.

Mamma mia, what a day.

And now to say good night

to all-a my celebrity pictures
on-a the wall.

Buona notte,
Christopher Plummer.

Sleep-a with the angels,
Sherman-a Hemsley.

See you when-a the sun shine,
Ken Ober.

And now, to say good night
to my favorite-a celebrity,

James-a Brol... mamma mia!

Who steal-a my James Brolin?

I take-a that photo
from the bakery.

Pasta fazool, what a good day
in-a the bakery.

You take-a good care
of the place

while I'm-a gone,
William-a Katt.

That goes a-double for you,
James-a Brol...

Mamma mia!

Uh, hey, Mom?

Was I always able to see
the living room from
the kitchen?

I've had enough of this.

That stupid couch
is messing up our house.

If Peter won't let
Dr. Hartman remove it,

we're doing it ourselves.

I put an Ambien in his beer,
so he's out cold.

I saw you put Ambien
in your beer, too.

Every adult has to take
Ambien every night

to even have a prayer at sleep.

All right, kids, we're gonna
use these scissors

to separate your father
from the couch.

I can't tell skin from couch.

Well, err on the skin side.

I love this couch.

It's from Ethan Allen, you know.

Wha...? W-What-what's
going on?

Peter, enough is enough,
that couch is coming off.

We're sick of your shenanigans.

How dare you?

I work my ass off to
bring home the bacon
for this family,

and all you can say is,
"We don't want bacon,

we want actual money!"

Well, I don't have money,
I spent it all on bacon!

Peter, put yourself
in our shoes.

I can't. My feet swelled up
too much from all the bacon.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to sleep

on the couch on the couch.

Chris, give me a hand with this.

All right, you ready?

All right, one, two, three.

- Okay, uh, easy,
easy, easy...
- Uh... uh...

- Easy, easy, easy,
easy, easy.
- Okay, all right.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

- Stop, stop.
- What? What?

- No, no, no, no. Twist it.
- What? I am.

Just look down, all right?
Just-just look at me,

look what I'm doing.
All right, see the way
I'm twisting it?

- Okay, ju... No, no, no, no.
- Okay. Wait... what?

You know what? All right,
just... hang... just
put-put it down.

- Put it down. Just drop it,
drop it.
- All right. All right.

All right, let's... Let's just
hang on and figure this out.

All-all right, okay.

All right. Okay. I-I got it.
I know what we're gonna...

Okay, okay. All right, you...
we... here's what we're
gonna do,

We're gonna take
the cushions off,

unscrew the legs,
take the mattress out,

and this whole thing's
gonna be a lot simpler.

It's easier
than we're making it.

This isn't working.

You know what?
Just give me a push.

I have some bad news.

Ethan survived,
but Allen didn't make it.

- What about Peter?
- Oh, him.

He's in what we call a comma.

Now, where's his chart?

Ah, here it is.
"Griffin coma Peter."

Will he ever recover?

How long is he gonna
be like this?

Please tell me
he's gonna be okay...

Oh, God.

- God?
- Yes.

- And no Trump questions.
- Okay.

I have nothing else to ask you.

I can't believe I'm stuck
in an elevator with God.

Although, I guess you are
everywhere, and in all places.

No, you're thinking
of Kevin Hart.

Ha! I know, right?

I-In every movie.
Him and The Rock.

Oh, I love The Rock.

No, no, no,
I love The Rock, too.

He's just-he's just in
a lot of stuff.

You know, his real name
is Dwayne Johnson.

Yeah, I know.
We have Us Weekly
on Earth, too.

Wait, why are you here?

Shouldn't you be up in heaven?

There was an issue.

Uh, a-a few angels came forward.

I don't remember things
exactly as they do,

but I respect their experience.

How did I get here?

Well, you had a couch
attached to your back,

and you fell down the stairs
and hit your head pretty hard.

Am I in a Leftovers?
Is this a Leftovers?

I don't know what that is.

It was an HBO show starring
a bottle of hair dye.

Man, this thing is really stuck.

Hey, can you use your
God powers to get us out?

No, they don't really work
in elevators.

Kind of like a cell phone.
I don't have a signal.

I have a cell phone.
It's silver.

That's rad, Peter.

I always dreamed of being
stuck in an elevator with
Tom Brady.

That makes two of us.

Can I ask you
my Tom Brady questions?

I wouldn't deign
to speak for Tom Brady.

Understood, understood.

- Hey, do atheists go to hell?
- No.

How about people who say
they are not religious,

but they are spiritual?

Straight to hell,
to the boiler room of hell.

All the way down.

Sometimes, I pull them out

just so they think everything
is gonna be okay,

but then,
I put them right back in.

Good, good.
That makes me happy.

Um, God, here's something
you might be able to tell me.

Will Taylor Swift and Katy Perry

ever reconcile
their differences?

What are you looking for?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm looking
for the gay guy

who can answer that one.

Some people say we're just
a computer simulation

run by a higher species.

- Is that true?
- It is.

My guy sucks.

Want to trade guys
for a little while?

Oh, never mind.

I'll stick with this pile
of shit I already have.

All right, can you name every
SNL actor alphabetically?

- Alphabetically by last name?
- Yes.

- And no featured players?
- Yeah, okay.

Fred Armisen, Dan Aykroyd,

Morwenna Banks, Vanessa Bayer...

Jon Lovitz, Norm Macdonald,
Gail Matthius...

Gail Matthius, good pull.

Michael McKean, Mark McKinney...

Nancy Walls, Kristen Wiig,
and Sasheer Zamata.

Wow. Now do
Kids in the Hall.

That was five guys, Peter.

- Name 'em.
- I can't.

- Does reincarnation exist?
- It does.

As past human lives
or as animals?

- Both.
- Who have I been?

- You were Henry the Eighth.
- Wow!

Let me finish. You were Henry,
the eighth guy to have sex

with Rock Hudson
at one of his pool parties.

Aww.

How many more shows is
John Stamos gonna get?

- Zero.
- Good. That's... That's good.

Are you real?

Do you think I'm real, Peter?

I like to believe there's
something bigger than me

out there keeping a watch out.

Different people think
different things.

I'm kind of like a nanny cam.

The idea that
I may exist is enough

for some people
to behave better.

When I used to ask my mom
what God was, she would say,

"God is love."
I always liked that.

That's nice, Peter.

God and love are
very similar concepts.

- They come from
the same place.
- Tatooine?

Ha! I always forget
you're such a Star Wars guy.

Man, when are they gonna fix
this elevator?

It's not broken.

I just haven't decided
where it's going yet.

What's a "mezzanine"?

- It's like a loge.
- What's a "loge"?

Oh, hey, what's with
all the questions?

Yeah, you don't know either.

W-Wait, hold on.

- Am I... Am I dead?
- Yes.

Oh, my God!

Since you're now a ghost,
would you like to do pottery

while straddling
present-day Demi Moore?

- Pass.
- Yeah.

Not getting a lot of takers
for that one.

I feel like
the bones in her back

would hurt my tummy.

Am I... Am I really dead?

Well, if you weren't dead,
would you feel nothing

when I do this?

Ah! Son of a bitch!

Oh, you know what?
That's right, it takes a day.

M-My bad. Sorry.

Tomorrow I do that,
you feel nothing.

But trust me, you're dead.

But I can't be.
Hold on, give me a sec.

I can't be dead.
I have a family who needs me.

Actually, Peter,
from what I've seen,

I think your family would be
better off without you.

What? What do you mean?

Well, you're
an inattentive husband

and a terrible parent.

Oh, says Father of the Year.

Oh, please. He played that
for all it was worth.

"Why has thou forsaken me?"

Jesus. You know what?
I did him a favor.

Okay, well, th-there's a lot
to unpack there.

But come on, God, you gotta
give me another chance.

I'll show you how good
a husband and father I can be.

Are you asking for
a second chance?

I-I guess so.

Huh. No one's ever done that.

You know what? You're on.

I'll give you one day
to prove to me

that your family is better off
with you alive.

I'll return you to your life
before you were in a coma.

Thanks, God!
I know I can do it.

I've faced bigger challenges.

Like when I recorded that
Russian language album.

♪ ♪

♪ Vodka! ♪

Okay, kids. I know how you
always wanted kittens,

so guess what I brought home?

This very pregnant,
about-to-burst,

distended-nipples street cat.

Peter, you can't bring home
a feral cat.

She doesn't want to be
around people right now.

She needs a quiet space
to have her kittens.

Yeah, so everyone
gather 'round close.

Her name is Sophie,
and she's fully dilated.

Chris!

She doesn't like that, but
I understand the instinct.

Now, we all need to do our
part to help with the birth.

Meg, boil some water.

Brian, get some clean rags.

Chris, blankets.

Stewie, Band-Aids for me.

Isn't it nice that we're
spending this time together

as a family?

Let's go spend it in the ER.

Oh, Sophie.

Still scratching.

Uh. She got my chin.

Uh. She got my hand.

Still love you, though, Sophie.

Can't wait to meet
your beautiful kittens.

The miracle of life.

42-year-old male who's failing
to bond with his family?

That's me.

- You can't bring the cat.
- That's fine.

Well, look at us.
Out for a fun family dinner.

If anyone's watching, they'd
say, "Look at that family.

Look how happy they are."

Well, the kids do love
Fuddruckers.

Yeah, getting to design
any burger you want?

Your only limit is
your imagination.

What kind you make there
for yourself, Chris?

- Plain.
- Plain?

What do you mean "plain"?

It's a plain burger.
That's how I like them.

That's not a burger,
that's just a meat sandwich.

At least Meg went wild
and got a beige burger.

No, I got chicken.

What? Here?
This is Fuddruckers.

What... what part of
Fuddruckers don't
you understand?

All of it.

All right,
let's start this again.

You're all gonna get up,

go back up to that
toppings bar, and go nuts.

But it tastes good like this.

It's not supposed to taste
good. It's supposed to
look crazy.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm cutting it.
It's easier to eat.

It's not supposed to be
easy to eat.

Half of it is supposed
to fall onto your plate

when you squeeze it, and the
rest goes onto your shirt.

How's everything going
over here?

Terrible! Go away!

See, look, now I have to be
even more ridiculous

to make up for what you guys
aren't doing.

Silverware? Put them on.
Salt shaker? Whatever.

Ice from soda,
get on that burger.

Peter, people are staring.

Yeah, they're saying,
"Look at the creative guy.

"Look at King Fuddrucker
over there.

"Usually you put a burger
on a tray.

This guy's putting a tray
on a fuckin' burger!"

Are you through, Peter?

Not yet, I'm not.
Give me the car keys.

- Peter...
- Give me... the car keys.

That's Fuddruckers.

Peter, you've opened the trunk.

People are pulling things
out of our car.

Good. That's also
Fuddruckers... get used to it.

And prepare to fish my teeth
out of my stool.

Peter, enough.

You guys clearly don't get it.

I'm sure when you explain
what we're supposed to get,

we'll get it.

Those poor kids.
Those poor babies.

Hey, Chris,
what do you got there?

- A plain burger.
- Looks good.

- You can do this, Peter.
- You love your family.

You can do this, Peter,
you love your family.

You can do this, Peter.
You love your family.

Dad, can you crack your
window a little bit?

I hate you all so much!

Uh-oh.

♪ ♪

Aah!

Did you guys see that?

The bunny rabbit family
you just ran over?

Yeah. We all saw that, Peter.

Ugh. Come on, kids.
Let's go inside.

Before you go, there's
something I want to say.

If anything were to happen
to me, Lois,

I'll miss you more than life...

the cereal, but not the board
game, which I quite enjoy.

- Okay.
- And Meg,

I'm sorry I'll never
get a chance

to walk you down the aisle...

at Costco,

to furnish your sad,
single-lady apartment.

- Thanks, Dad.
- And Stewie,

it kills me that I'll never
see you become a man...

Loving twink.

Is anyone gonna stop him?

And, Chris, whenever you're
feeling defeated,

I want you to remember to
always reach for the Stars...

Sky and Hutch DVD that fell

behind the entertainment center.

Sorry, you were the last one.

- What about me?
- You're a dog.

Peter, what's going on?

Why are you saying these things?

Sorry. W-Why don't
you guys go inside?

I'm gonna stay out here
and listen to Nina Blackwood

slowly die of throat cancer
on the radio.

Our next artist first climbed

the charts with
"Dancing With Myself."

Of course,
that artist is Billy Idol.

I'm supposed to get her
a week from Thursday,

but I may be moving that up.

I suppose you know why I'm here.

Yeah. I guess so.

It's weird.
For the first seven days,

all I did was create things,
but since then,

it's just killing,
killing, killing.

Well, go ahead and do it.

My family would be better off
without me.

I'm a terrible husband
and a terrible father.

I should never have
questioned you.

You were right about everything.

Say that again.

You were right about everything.

That's all I needed to hear.

That's what religion is.

It's not about being
good or bad.

It's just blind subservience
to an imaginary being.

So, I'm not gonna die?

Nope, not for another
four years.

Thank you, God!

Bless you, my child...
pornography fan.

You did it to me.

- Can I use that one on my son?
- Sure.

Hey, Chris, you like
pictures of naked children

because you're gross and weird.

Ah, he screwed it up.

And I'm sorry about Fuddruckers.

It won't happen again.

Because nothing means more
to me than my family.

Oh, Peter. That's wonderful.
What helped you come around?

Well, Lois, let's just say
the big man upstairs

put in a hard day's work today.

Well, looks like quitting time.

Good night, Kirk Cameron.

See you tomorrow, Gene Rayburn.

See you when the sun rises,
James Bro... Mamma mia!