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♪ It seems todaythat all you see ♪
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00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:08,007
♪ Is violence in moviesand sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,075 --> 00:00:11,543
♪ But where are thosegood old-fashioned values ♪
4
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:18,017
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,085 --> 00:00:21,536
♪ Lucky there's a man whopositively can do ♪
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♪ All the thingsthat make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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Is it me, or does David Ortiz
11
00:00:36,887 --> 00:00:38,854
look just like the mom
on Good Times?
12
00:00:38,922 --> 00:00:41,440
- Oh, Peter, that's racist.
- Well, no. Look.
13
00:00:43,977 --> 00:00:45,210
I take it back.
14
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:47,579
That's not racist.
That's just accurate.
15
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Hey, guys, guess
who's got the keys
16
00:00:49,566 --> 00:00:52,000
to a speedboat just
sitting down at the station?
17
00:00:52,069 --> 00:00:53,635
How'd you get a speedboat?
18
00:00:53,704 --> 00:00:55,820
Well, it's a funny story.
19
00:00:58,926 --> 00:01:00,325
That was a funny story.
20
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,061
Especially the funny part.
21
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You really delivered
on your promise.
22
00:01:03,964 --> 00:01:06,498
All right, who's up
for water skiing?!
23
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,045
- Hell yeah!
- All right!
24
00:01:08,069 --> 00:01:09,318
Yeah, let's do it!
25
00:01:09,386 --> 00:01:11,987
Oh, that sounds amazing!
I love boats.
26
00:01:12,056 --> 00:01:13,338
Boats are my thing.
27
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,373
Anything to get out
on the open water,
28
00:01:15,442 --> 00:01:17,909
enjoy the salt air. Oh,
they're already gone.
29
00:01:17,978 --> 00:01:19,622
No, you didn't widen enough.
30
00:01:19,646 --> 00:01:20,979
But you still can't come.
31
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Good evening, Quahog.
Just parking.
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Be there in a sec.
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Our top story:
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authorities have uncovered
35
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a mob-run prescription drug ring
36
00:01:35,528 --> 00:01:37,162
targeting Goldman's Pharmacy.
37
00:01:37,231 --> 00:01:39,530
The scam involved
fraudulent prescriptions
38
00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:41,116
submitted for dead people.
39
00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:44,852
I've got Oxycontin
for an Abraham Lincoln.
40
00:01:44,921 --> 00:01:48,089
Vicodin here for fourth
century Babylonian emperor
41
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Nebuchadnezzar.
42
00:01:50,060 --> 00:01:53,461
Whatever we have left
for Matthew Perry.
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Some of
the prescriptions were real.
44
00:01:55,599 --> 00:01:57,666
Pharmacist Mort Goldman
failed to report
45
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to authorities for questioning.
46
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A $10,000 bounty has been
offered for his return.
47
00:02:02,555 --> 00:02:05,173
$10,000?
That's a lot of money.
48
00:02:05,241 --> 00:02:06,841
Could be our money, Brian.
49
00:02:06,910 --> 00:02:09,143
We could find Mort. Easily.
50
00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:10,924
Besides, we haven't done
anything together
51
00:02:10,948 --> 00:02:13,732
since our confusing
two-host talk show.
52
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:16,301
So, Chris Pratt, I hear
you have a new movie out.
53
00:02:16,369 --> 00:02:17,847
So, Chris, you're from Seattle?
54
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:19,749
Chris, what was it like
working with Amy Poehler?
55
00:02:19,773 --> 00:02:22,140
Hey, Chris, anything you can
tell us about Guardians 3?
56
00:02:22,209 --> 00:02:23,787
- Chris! Chris!
- Chris! Chris!
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00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:25,721
- Chris Pratt, always
a pleasure.
- Well, that's all the time
58
00:02:25,745 --> 00:02:27,356
- we have with Chris Pratt.
- Take it away,
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00:02:27,380 --> 00:02:28,925
- multiracial modern band!
- Retro swing guys!
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00:02:28,949 --> 00:02:31,183
Guests of
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-The Stewie Griffin Show
stay
-The Brian Griffin Show stay
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- at the Essex House.
- At the W Times Square.
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Waterskiing!
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- All right!
- Water-sitting!
65
00:02:52,205 --> 00:02:53,471
You got to cut to the right.
66
00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:56,107
No, no, it's counterintuitive.
You got to cut left.
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00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,709
I know how to drive.
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00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:05,784
Stop looking at us!
69
00:03:13,143 --> 00:03:16,211
Ugh! Maybe we won't be going
waterskiing today.
70
00:03:16,279 --> 00:03:17,679
Shut up, Joe.
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00:03:17,748 --> 00:03:19,893
Hey, you want some help?
I do this all the time.
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00:03:19,917 --> 00:03:22,250
Fuck you. Get back in
your car with your wife!
73
00:03:25,623 --> 00:03:28,824
When you're going backwards,
everything's the opposite.
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00:03:28,892 --> 00:03:31,226
Oh, really?
Thanks, driving instructor.
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00:03:50,447 --> 00:03:52,213
I feel like everyone
watching knows
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00:03:52,282 --> 00:03:54,750
I'm incapable of
pleasing my wife sexually.
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00:03:56,787 --> 00:03:58,787
Now cut the wheel.
Cut the wheel!
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00:03:58,856 --> 00:04:00,421
No, the other way!
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00:04:16,707 --> 00:04:19,041
Ah, hell, we're gonna be
on the Internet.
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00:04:27,418 --> 00:04:29,234
You know what? Screw it.
81
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:36,841
Let's boat!
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00:04:42,048 --> 00:04:43,760
Cleveland, aren't you
waterskiing?
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00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:46,184
- I don't like getting wet.
- Oh, come on.
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00:04:46,252 --> 00:04:48,753
What's the worst
that could happen?
85
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,865
Mort must have panicked
after the pharmacy bust
and fled town.
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00:05:16,933 --> 00:05:18,644
If we're gonna collect
our ten grand,
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00:05:18,668 --> 00:05:20,468
we need to figure out
where he went.
88
00:05:22,872 --> 00:05:25,207
Crap. His computer is
password-protected.
89
00:05:25,275 --> 00:05:28,376
Um, try "Such heat this day."
90
00:05:28,445 --> 00:05:29,755
Nope.
91
00:05:29,779 --> 00:05:32,514
How about "This fish is cold,
I want a refund"?
92
00:05:33,717 --> 00:05:35,061
No.
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00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,485
"But I lost the receipt."
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00:05:37,854 --> 00:05:39,374
Bingo.
95
00:05:40,124 --> 00:05:41,222
Aha!
96
00:05:41,291 --> 00:05:43,825
A confirmed plane ticket
to Boca Raton.
97
00:05:43,894 --> 00:05:46,027
Looks like we're
going to Florida.
98
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,982
They must have figured out
where the pharmacist is.
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00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:52,684
We got to get to him first.
100
00:05:52,752 --> 00:05:54,719
We're going to Florida, too.
101
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:56,488
I know the answer is no,
102
00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:59,057
but is there any chance
there's time
103
00:05:59,125 --> 00:06:02,427
for the Wizarding World
of Harry Potter?
104
00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:04,896
Tony, what if the answer
105
00:06:04,964 --> 00:06:06,698
is a resounding yes?
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00:06:06,766 --> 00:06:08,383
Oh!
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00:06:12,689 --> 00:06:14,055
Oh!
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00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:18,710
♪ ♪
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What the hell?
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Oh. Oh, God!
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00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:44,986
Oh, my God! That shark's
attacking Quagmire!
112
00:06:45,055 --> 00:06:47,021
I think it's got him
by the wiener!
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00:06:47,090 --> 00:06:49,490
Man, that guy can get anyone
to do that to him.
114
00:06:58,885 --> 00:07:01,569
- Quagmire, are you okay?
- Do I look okay?!
115
00:07:01,638 --> 00:07:03,171
I think you'll be fine.
116
00:07:03,239 --> 00:07:06,307
You just got to wipe that
squashed tomato off
your crotch.
117
00:07:11,881 --> 00:07:14,715
Oh, my God!
Quagmire lost his penis!
118
00:07:14,802 --> 00:07:16,712
All right, we got to let
all the other boats know.
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What is it again?
White flag for "friendly,"
120
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:21,989
black for "not friendly,"
blue flag for "penis loss"?
121
00:07:24,761 --> 00:07:26,678
Oh, man, that sucks.
122
00:07:35,321 --> 00:07:36,721
Doc, give it to us straight.
123
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:38,100
What's going on with our friend?
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00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:40,775
Well, Mr. Griffin, there's
no easy way to put this,
125
00:07:40,844 --> 00:07:42,877
so I'm just gonna
come right out and say it.
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- He's black.
- Not that friend. Quagmire.
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00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:47,115
Oh, him.
Well, Mr. Quagmire,
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00:07:47,184 --> 00:07:49,150
you've had quite
the nasty shark attack.
129
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,785
Luckily, you'll be okay.
130
00:07:50,854 --> 00:07:53,521
But you're going to have to
learn to live without a penis.
131
00:07:53,590 --> 00:07:55,590
Or will you?
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00:07:55,658 --> 00:07:57,592
Oh, what's this?
133
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Is it... your penis?
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00:07:59,696 --> 00:08:01,129
Nah, I'm just foolin'.
135
00:08:01,198 --> 00:08:03,965
I play that with my penis-less
patients to lighten the mood.
136
00:08:04,034 --> 00:08:05,978
Liev Schreiber gets
a big kick out of it.
137
00:08:06,002 --> 00:08:08,269
Doc, do you know
who you're talking to?
138
00:08:08,338 --> 00:08:10,138
That penis was my whole life!
139
00:08:10,207 --> 00:08:11,539
It's not so bad.
140
00:08:11,608 --> 00:08:13,219
At least you're not
this pathetic guy
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00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:14,687
who couldn't get his boat
in the water.
142
00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:16,244
Have you seen this?
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00:08:16,312 --> 00:08:19,080
You should take his wiener.
He's clearly not using it.
144
00:08:19,149 --> 00:08:21,349
Stop looking at us!
145
00:08:23,754 --> 00:08:25,553
Ah, that... that does...
146
00:08:25,622 --> 00:08:27,421
that does make me feel better.
147
00:08:36,799 --> 00:08:39,467
- What are we doing here?
- This is Pitbull's house.
148
00:08:39,535 --> 00:08:41,602
He knows everything
about South Florida.
149
00:08:41,671 --> 00:08:43,538
He can help us find Mort.
150
00:08:43,607 --> 00:08:45,351
Doorbell, doorbell,
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00:08:45,375 --> 00:08:46,974
doorbell, ring.
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00:08:47,043 --> 00:08:50,378
It's my house.
Esta mi casa.
153
00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:53,748
Wow. Imagine kind of knowing
two languages.
154
00:08:55,385 --> 00:08:57,319
Hang on. I'm in the middle
of writing a song.
155
00:08:57,387 --> 00:08:59,554
♪ Tingta tongkate tong tong tink. ♪
156
00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:01,122
That's a hit.
157
00:09:01,191 --> 00:09:03,325
What can I do for you,
my friends amigos?
158
00:09:03,393 --> 00:09:05,526
I told you.
This guy's the real deal.
159
00:09:05,595 --> 00:09:07,996
We're looking for a friend
who's hiding out down here.
160
00:09:08,065 --> 00:09:10,298
He's a Jewish pharmacist
from Rhode Island.
161
00:09:10,367 --> 00:09:12,233
- Coral Palm Motel.
- Told you.
162
00:09:12,302 --> 00:09:14,469
And here's Pitbull
with his newest hit,
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00:09:14,537 --> 00:09:16,471
"Tingta Tongka
Te Tong Tong Tink."
164
00:09:20,377 --> 00:09:22,344
Adios good-bye, amigo friends.
165
00:09:22,412 --> 00:09:25,847
I got to go get paid to scream
"Make some noise!" in Vegas.
166
00:09:35,959 --> 00:09:37,570
I think I hear Mort
in the bathroom.
167
00:09:37,594 --> 00:09:39,405
Come on, urine, you can do this!
168
00:09:39,429 --> 00:09:41,729
It's just like your toilet
at home. Please!
169
00:09:41,798 --> 00:09:43,664
It's been five days now.
170
00:09:43,733 --> 00:09:45,345
Why won't you just cooperate?!
171
00:09:45,369 --> 00:09:47,180
Is someone out there?
172
00:09:47,204 --> 00:09:48,481
Housekeeping!
173
00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:50,605
Oh, come on in.
I'm just urinating.
174
00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:53,475
Tinkle, tinkle, splash,
splash, swoosh.
175
00:09:53,543 --> 00:09:54,675
Yeah, look at...
176
00:09:54,744 --> 00:09:56,089
Oh, boy, what a healthy stream!
177
00:09:56,113 --> 00:09:58,079
Will it ever end?
178
00:09:58,148 --> 00:10:00,966
What are you guys doing here?
179
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:03,768
We're taking you back to
Quahog to collect our reward.
180
00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:05,803
Oh, no, I can't go back there.
181
00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:08,440
The mob will kill me!
182
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:09,919
- Ha!
- What?
183
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,344
A shark bit
Quagmire's penis off.
184
00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:13,761
Ha.
185
00:10:17,684 --> 00:10:20,084
I can't believe it.
This is horrible.
186
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:22,020
- What am I gonna do?
- Come on, now.
187
00:10:22,088 --> 00:10:24,022
Keep that enormous
chin up, Glenn.
188
00:10:24,090 --> 00:10:25,523
There's lots you can do.
189
00:10:25,591 --> 00:10:27,402
You could devote
your life to Christ,
190
00:10:27,426 --> 00:10:29,193
or become a eunuch.
191
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:30,940
Cleveland, why don't you
sit this one out?
192
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,875
Listen, Quagmire,
I got just the way
193
00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:35,066
for you to embrace your
new life without a penis.
194
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:36,634
I've had this computer blocked
195
00:10:36,703 --> 00:10:38,870
so you can discover
all the other exciting things
196
00:10:38,938 --> 00:10:41,406
- on the Internet besides porn.
- Like what?
197
00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:44,542
Well, uh, there's, uh...
198
00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:47,345
I like to research birds.
Try to learn a bird a day.
199
00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:49,058
Well, not that,
necessarily, but, uh...
200
00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:50,382
You got your robin.
201
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:52,583
Wow, you really know
your stuff, Joe.
202
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,285
- Your swallow.
- Swallow?
203
00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:56,521
Uh, actually this is
what we're trying to avoid.
204
00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:57,755
You got your titmouse.
205
00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,535
Damn it, Joe,
stop with the sex birds!
206
00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:01,570
Look, I appreciate what
you're trying to do, guys,
207
00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:03,028
but this is a disaster.
208
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:05,176
You don't understand
what that penis meant to me.
209
00:11:05,232 --> 00:11:06,898
We did everything together.
210
00:11:06,966 --> 00:11:08,983
Absolutely everything.
211
00:11:09,051 --> 00:11:12,487
"As she tenderly unlaced
her silken corset,
212
00:11:12,555 --> 00:11:15,256
"Jennifer shuddered
in anticipation of...
213
00:11:16,926 --> 00:11:19,044
the sensual night ahead."
214
00:11:24,834 --> 00:11:26,334
This is not good.
215
00:11:26,403 --> 00:11:28,002
As soon as I'm back in Quahog,
216
00:11:28,070 --> 00:11:29,904
- the mob is gonna kill me!
- I don't care.
217
00:11:29,972 --> 00:11:31,684
We're getting the hell
out of Florida.
218
00:11:31,708 --> 00:11:33,708
Florida. Which,
interesting trivia,
219
00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:35,610
was the name of the mom
in Good Times
220
00:11:35,679 --> 00:11:37,656
played by David Ortiz.
221
00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:40,181
Uh-oh, looks like the mob
knew we were coming.
222
00:11:40,249 --> 00:11:42,049
It's him! Get him!
223
00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:43,801
Oh, no! We're done for!
224
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:46,754
No, we're not. I'm the fastest
Jew in the world.
225
00:11:56,515 --> 00:11:59,850
Crap. They got Mort.
There goes our reward.
226
00:11:59,919 --> 00:12:01,864
Well, maybe we were
in over our heads.
227
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:04,706
Like an announcer who knows
nothing about his sport.
228
00:12:04,774 --> 00:12:07,141
He's got
about 190 yards to the hole.
229
00:12:07,210 --> 00:12:09,443
Looks like he's going
for his 5-iron.
230
00:12:09,512 --> 00:12:11,512
And those greens
are playing very fast,
231
00:12:11,580 --> 00:12:13,848
so he's gonna have to use
caution on his approach.
232
00:12:13,917 --> 00:12:15,382
Yeah, yeah.
233
00:12:15,451 --> 00:12:16,796
Jordan Spieth, of course,
234
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:18,152
having a great tournament.
235
00:12:18,221 --> 00:12:19,731
He birdied this hole yesterday.
236
00:12:19,755 --> 00:12:22,006
Is that right? Wow.
237
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:24,675
And he hitsa great shot, right onthe green.
238
00:12:24,727 --> 00:12:26,394
Yeah, yeah.
239
00:12:26,463 --> 00:12:29,531
How, uh...
how do you win golf?
240
00:12:33,986 --> 00:12:36,086
We now return to HGTV's
241
00:12:36,155 --> 00:12:37,555
Couples Looking for a House
242
00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:40,125
Where the Woman
Doesn't Know the Guy's Gay.
243
00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:42,460
Well, I'm looking for
a place with good schools,
244
00:12:42,528 --> 00:12:44,207
and, because he works
in the city,
245
00:12:44,231 --> 00:12:45,808
he's looking for
an easy commute.
246
00:12:45,832 --> 00:12:47,576
Yeah, she teaches here
at the high school
247
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,534
and I work in town as
a choreographer and florist.
248
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,904
My business associate
Richard and I are often
249
00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:54,639
burning the midnight oil.
250
00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:57,408
Sometimes it's a lot easier
to stay over in the city
251
00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:59,122
when we're filling late orders.
252
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:01,379
We stay at the office.
We have a bed in there...
253
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:03,948
A trundle bed... and we just
bunk up down there
254
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:05,984
snug as two bugs in a rug.
255
00:13:06,052 --> 00:13:08,286
And we'll probably
need a nursery.
256
00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:10,271
Well, that's a discussion.
257
00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:14,753
- Oh, hey, Quagmire.
- Hey, Peter.
258
00:13:14,777 --> 00:13:16,143
I just came by to thank you
259
00:13:16,213 --> 00:13:18,057
for giving me the kick
in the pants I needed
260
00:13:18,081 --> 00:13:19,625
to stop feeling sorry for myself
261
00:13:19,649 --> 00:13:21,516
- and embrace my new life.
- I farted.
262
00:13:21,585 --> 00:13:23,885
As a result, I've
rediscovered an old hobby
263
00:13:23,954 --> 00:13:26,788
I used to love as a kid:
ventriloquism.
264
00:13:26,856 --> 00:13:28,801
And I wanted to invite
you guys to the opening
265
00:13:28,825 --> 00:13:30,665
of my new show
at the Quahog Playhouse.
266
00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:33,628
Quagmire, we'd be delighted
to attend. Wouldn't miss it.
267
00:13:33,697 --> 00:13:35,763
Gosh, thanks, Peter.
That means a lot.
268
00:13:35,832 --> 00:13:37,865
Okay, see you there.
269
00:13:37,934 --> 00:13:40,234
Damn it! Why did I even
open the door?!
270
00:13:40,303 --> 00:13:41,903
Ugh!
271
00:13:41,971 --> 00:13:43,337
Getting excited.
272
00:13:44,473 --> 00:13:45,973
Now I got to go to this thing!
273
00:13:46,042 --> 00:13:47,808
Ugh! Bite me!
274
00:13:47,877 --> 00:13:50,411
Laughing already
just thinking about it.
275
00:13:50,479 --> 00:13:52,057
Only one way to get out of this!
276
00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:07,995
Oh, I'm so glad Quagmire's
back on his feet again.
277
00:14:08,063 --> 00:14:09,983
God, this is gonna be torture.
278
00:14:10,032 --> 00:14:11,799
Break a leg.
279
00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:14,618
Oh, hello. I didn't realize
the curtain was up.
280
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:16,888
And people think I'm the dummy.
281
00:14:18,024 --> 00:14:19,784
How is that doll talking?!
282
00:14:19,825 --> 00:14:21,492
I'm Glenn, and this is Edgar.
283
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:23,240
What a great crowd, huh, Edgar?
284
00:14:23,296 --> 00:14:24,496
This is gonna be a fun night.
285
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:25,863
You call this fun?
286
00:14:25,932 --> 00:14:28,110
You're talking to a wooden
doll to make up for the fact
287
00:14:28,134 --> 00:14:29,811
that you can't have sex anymore.
288
00:14:29,835 --> 00:14:31,546
Come on, come on, Edgar.
289
00:14:31,570 --> 00:14:33,371
That's-that's not true.
290
00:14:33,439 --> 00:14:35,751
Besides, if you've got all the
answers, what do you suggest?
291
00:14:35,775 --> 00:14:37,174
Here's a suggestion.
292
00:14:37,243 --> 00:14:40,127
Blow your fucking brains out
in front of all these people.
293
00:14:40,196 --> 00:14:42,013
Is this... is this real?
294
00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:43,809
Oh, c-come on, Edgar.
295
00:14:43,833 --> 00:14:46,100
I-I got a lot to live for
according to everybody.
296
00:14:46,169 --> 00:14:47,668
I'm not gonna kill myself.
297
00:14:47,737 --> 00:14:49,704
Well, then, maybe I can help.
298
00:14:49,772 --> 00:14:51,600
Quagmire, no!
299
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,024
Oh, God, Peter's here.
300
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,503
I so don't want to talk to him.
301
00:14:54,527 --> 00:14:57,311
Hey, buddy.
We got to catch up.
302
00:14:57,380 --> 00:14:59,580
Well, Edgar, if you think
that would be best.
303
00:14:59,648 --> 00:15:01,193
Yes, you'll be
out of your misery.
304
00:15:01,217 --> 00:15:03,317
I think it's the guy talking!
305
00:15:03,386 --> 00:15:05,836
Quagmire, have you lost
your mind?!
306
00:15:05,888 --> 00:15:09,490
I'm holding this gun until
you start thinking straight.
307
00:15:10,844 --> 00:15:12,810
Use it on yourself, Joe.
308
00:15:12,879 --> 00:15:15,213
There's more than
one bullet in here, Joe.
309
00:15:15,281 --> 00:15:18,432
Yeah, on second thought,
maybe you should hold this,
Cleveland.
310
00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:20,501
Are you really gonna
just sit there
311
00:15:20,570 --> 00:15:22,469
after all the crap white people
312
00:15:22,538 --> 00:15:24,572
have given you your whole life?
313
00:15:24,641 --> 00:15:27,959
You know, maybe you should
hold this, Peter.
314
00:15:28,027 --> 00:15:31,379
Peter, you could
get free tacos with me.
315
00:15:32,631 --> 00:15:34,499
It worked!
316
00:15:41,591 --> 00:15:44,592
Quagmire, why the hell
would you want to kill
yourself?
317
00:15:44,661 --> 00:15:46,894
Yeah, who ever heard of
a depressed ventriloquist?
318
00:15:46,962 --> 00:15:48,162
You want to know why?
319
00:15:48,231 --> 00:15:50,164
Because I can't do this anymore.
320
00:15:50,233 --> 00:15:51,932
My life is over.
321
00:15:52,001 --> 00:15:55,320
I tried to adjust,
but it's impossible.
322
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:57,855
Come on, Quagmire,
it's not impossible.
323
00:15:57,924 --> 00:16:00,090
You want impossible,
try eating local pizza
324
00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:01,776
with a guy from New York.
325
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:05,880
- You call this pizza?
- We do here, yes.
326
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:11,869
All right, Brian,
I negotiated to get Mort
327
00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:13,570
- back from the mob.
- How?
328
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,673
I told them Mort gave us
his flash drive
329
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,820
with enough evidence
to put them all in jail.
330
00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:20,661
We're going to trade it for
Mort and collect our money.
331
00:16:20,730 --> 00:16:23,948
And I also ordered
an extra slice of pie.
332
00:16:24,017 --> 00:16:26,517
Because you know how
many times we live, Brian?
333
00:16:26,585 --> 00:16:28,085
Once.
334
00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:29,821
Once.
335
00:16:40,749 --> 00:16:43,417
- Hey, Dad.
- I'm so sorry, Glenn.
336
00:16:43,486 --> 00:16:44,851
Stop staring, Cleveland!
337
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:46,753
I can support his lifestyle
338
00:16:46,822 --> 00:16:48,355
and still think it's weird!
339
00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:51,258
- Thank you, Cleveland.
- Have a blessed day!
340
00:16:53,045 --> 00:16:55,646
Believe me, Glenn, I know
what you're going through.
341
00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:56,898
No, you don't.
342
00:16:56,966 --> 00:16:59,267
You had yours surgically
removed in a hospital.
343
00:16:59,335 --> 00:17:01,169
I had mine
bitten off by a shark!
344
00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:03,337
I'm not allowed to go
into the ocean anymore.
345
00:17:03,406 --> 00:17:06,573
The doctor says
I can't get seawater in it.
346
00:17:06,642 --> 00:17:09,677
I also have Crohn's disease.
They're unrelated.
347
00:17:09,745 --> 00:17:11,179
Why are you here, Dad?
348
00:17:11,247 --> 00:17:12,724
I knew you were
down in the dumps,
349
00:17:12,748 --> 00:17:14,459
so I brought you something
to cheer you up.
350
00:17:14,483 --> 00:17:16,617
A Yeti cooler?
351
00:17:16,686 --> 00:17:18,752
- That is kind of rad.
- No, that's mine.
352
00:17:18,822 --> 00:17:20,220
Your gift is inside.
353
00:17:21,056 --> 00:17:23,891
♪ ♪
354
00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:25,159
Is that your...?
355
00:17:25,227 --> 00:17:27,762
Yes, Glenn. It's my penis.
356
00:17:27,830 --> 00:17:30,131
After my surgery,
I kept it in my freezer.
357
00:17:30,199 --> 00:17:33,134
Next to a snowball from
the winter, if you can
believe that.
358
00:17:33,202 --> 00:17:35,185
I want you to have it.
359
00:17:35,254 --> 00:17:38,605
I... I can't take
your penis, Dad.
360
00:17:38,674 --> 00:17:39,941
Please, take it.
361
00:17:40,009 --> 00:17:42,143
If you don't, I'm just gonna
give it to Paul Ryan.
362
00:17:42,212 --> 00:17:43,777
I don't know what to say.
363
00:17:43,847 --> 00:17:45,963
Thank you.
364
00:17:46,031 --> 00:17:47,398
Weird.
365
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:50,267
Proud of you guys, but weird.
366
00:17:56,359 --> 00:17:58,726
Okay, has everyone
washed their hands?
367
00:17:58,795 --> 00:18:01,245
Me neither,
but going forward, let's try.
368
00:18:01,314 --> 00:18:03,214
I'm so nervous for Quagmire.
369
00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:06,150
I know, but it's nice that
they served hot dogs for
the surgery.
370
00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:08,652
There it is! Give me that!
371
00:18:08,721 --> 00:18:10,721
♪ ♪
372
00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:17,411
Nurse, you put it on there.
I'm not gay.
373
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:24,602
The operation was a success.
374
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:27,505
- Congratulations, Quagmire!
- Thanks, guys.
375
00:18:27,573 --> 00:18:30,541
And, Dad, I don't know
how to thank you.
376
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:33,727
You've given me the greatest
gift I could ever ask for.
377
00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:36,913
- I love you, son.
- I love you, too.
378
00:18:42,221 --> 00:18:44,721
- So, will it work,
Dr. Hartman?
- Oh, yes.
379
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:47,658
I'm not sure about urination
or sex, but otherwise, yes.
380
00:18:47,726 --> 00:18:49,126
So, how you feeling?
381
00:18:49,195 --> 00:18:51,095
I'm actually
in extreme pain, Doc.
382
00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:53,264
It's like knives are
stabbing into my crotch.
383
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:54,798
Don't worry, that'll go away
384
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:56,912
once you fill your
prescription at
Goldman's Pharmacy.
385
00:18:56,936 --> 00:18:59,303
- Mort's is closed.
- Oh. Oh, yeah.
386
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:01,538
Cool tie-in with the other
story, though.
387
00:19:01,607 --> 00:19:04,375
I'm trying to get more
involved in the writing
this season.
388
00:19:04,444 --> 00:19:07,027
In fact, I think Family Guy
should be more of a dramedy.
389
00:19:07,096 --> 00:19:08,890
- What's a dramedy?
- Well, for one thing,
390
00:19:08,914 --> 00:19:11,081
the scenes don't have
to end with jokes.
391
00:19:18,674 --> 00:19:20,758
- You got the flash drive?
- Yep.
392
00:19:20,810 --> 00:19:23,343
All the information that could
put you away forever.
393
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:24,957
Now, again, I don't know
why we couldn't
394
00:19:24,981 --> 00:19:26,747
have done this by Dropbox.
395
00:19:26,816 --> 00:19:28,627
I mean, I don't mind coming
here to a parking lot...
396
00:19:28,651 --> 00:19:30,151
I had to get Mort anyway...
397
00:19:30,219 --> 00:19:32,019
But Dropbox would've
saved you time.
398
00:19:32,054 --> 00:19:34,354
And you wouldn't have to
mail me back my flash drive.
399
00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:36,068
What do you mean, mail it back?
400
00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:37,691
You were planning to keep it?
401
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,226
It's 64 gigs!
402
00:19:39,295 --> 00:19:41,473
I bought the coverage.
You're not getting
the coverage.
403
00:19:41,497 --> 00:19:44,314
Hi, guys. I'm a pharmacist.
404
00:19:44,383 --> 00:19:47,301
Ugh, Mort is
so hard to write for.
405
00:19:48,254 --> 00:19:49,620
Okay, give us Mort.
406
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,667
My mailing address
is in the flash drive.
407
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,157
FBI! Freeze!
408
00:19:58,097 --> 00:19:59,813
What the hell is this?
409
00:20:02,718 --> 00:20:04,819
Thanks for your cooperation,
Mr. Goldman.
410
00:20:04,887 --> 00:20:07,454
Wait a minute. You were
working with the Feds?
411
00:20:07,523 --> 00:20:08,956
Absolutely.
412
00:20:09,025 --> 00:20:10,702
When I heard there was a reward,
413
00:20:10,726 --> 00:20:13,160
I immediately turned myself in.
414
00:20:13,229 --> 00:20:15,262
So you guys get bupkis.
415
00:20:15,331 --> 00:20:16,630
I'm a pharmacist.
416
00:20:19,001 --> 00:20:21,836
Well, Brian, we may not
have gotten the $10,000,
417
00:20:21,904 --> 00:20:23,603
but it'll be a joy
418
00:20:23,672 --> 00:20:26,018
to hear no more Jewish talk
for a long while.
419
00:20:26,042 --> 00:20:28,475
"Brian and Stewie laugh.
The image freezes.
420
00:20:28,544 --> 00:20:29,844
The end."
421
00:20:29,912 --> 00:20:31,946
Ah, that was a good day's work.
422
00:20:32,014 --> 00:20:33,380
I've earned this.
423
00:20:35,852 --> 00:20:38,652
Little shot of the ol' Sorkin
genius juice.
424
00:20:46,278 --> 00:20:48,479
So, Quagmire, how's the new
rod holding up?
425
00:20:48,547 --> 00:20:51,448
Yeah, you know.
Good, pretty good.
426
00:20:51,517 --> 00:20:53,784
I've been having
a lot of sex. Um...
427
00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:56,687
My dad didn't mention there's
a four-inch mole on the left
side.
428
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:58,067
- What?
- Uh-huh.
429
00:20:58,091 --> 00:21:00,057
It's, like, the size
of a 50-cent piece
430
00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:01,604
and a dime kissing each other.
431
00:21:01,628 --> 00:21:03,027
Yikes. Frightening.
432
00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:04,907
Yeah, some gals
find it off-putting.
433
00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:07,999
I try to tell them it's
my dad's old penis,
but that, um...
434
00:21:08,067 --> 00:21:10,234
that just tends
to make it worse.
435
00:21:10,302 --> 00:21:12,302
But the girls that stay
are just great.
436
00:21:12,371 --> 00:21:13,916
Well, I'm happy for you,
Quagmire.
437
00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:17,008
Don't be. Anyway,
I got to take a leak.
438
00:21:17,076 --> 00:21:18,621
Well, I'm just glad our friend's
439
00:21:18,645 --> 00:21:20,188
back to his old self.
440
00:21:20,212 --> 00:21:22,079
Yeah, seems he hasn't
missed a beat.
441
00:21:22,148 --> 00:21:25,282
It's great that we can
be there for each other
in trying times.
442
00:21:25,351 --> 00:21:28,152
- What's that noise?
-
443
00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:31,005
That's the sound of peeing
out your daddy's wiener.
33239
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