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1
00:00:01,168 --> 00:00:04,870
♪ It seems todaythat all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:08,240
♪ Is violence in moviesand sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,309 --> 00:00:11,877
♪ But where are thosegood old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,945 --> 00:00:14,946
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:15,016 --> 00:00:18,517
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:21,869
♪ Lucky there's a man whopositively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,938 --> 00:00:23,266
♪ All the thingsthat make us ♪
8
00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:24,956
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:25,026 --> 00:00:29,995
♪ He's... a...Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:31,298 --> 00:00:32,830
Hi, I'm Peter Griffin,
11
00:00:32,899 --> 00:00:35,478
and I'm here at
The Museum
of Television & Radio
12
00:00:35,502 --> 00:00:37,302
to commemorate Family Guy
13
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:40,405
becoming the longest-running
show in television history.
14
00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:45,677
For 60 years, Sunday
has meant God, football,
and Family Guy.
15
00:00:45,745 --> 00:00:48,480
And later, to a lesser degree,
The Simpsons.
16
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:51,483
Premiering in 1952
as a recurring sketch
17
00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:53,918
in the popular
Dow Chemical Follies,
18
00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:56,654
Family Guy has survived
19 cancellations,
19
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:58,190
two assassination attempts,
20
00:00:58,258 --> 00:01:00,892
and a pretty good ribbing
by those South Park guys.
21
00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:03,706
Well, tonight we take
a look back
at classic episodes
22
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:05,564
from our first three decades.
23
00:01:05,632 --> 00:01:07,232
Uhp, here come some tourists.
24
00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:11,086
I know, I'll sit here
and pretend I'm a wax figure.
25
00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:12,621
Who is that?
26
00:01:12,690 --> 00:01:15,090
That's the fat idiot
from The Family Guy.
27
00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:17,926
- Ugh. I hate that show.
- Me, too.
28
00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:26,530
Raleigh Kids Cigarettes
29
00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:28,787
is happy to bring you
Family Guy,
30
00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:32,357
the storyof an American familynamed the Griffins.
31
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,337
This is Peter,
32
00:01:34,361 --> 00:01:36,306
breadwinner
and head of household.
33
00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:38,513
Lois is the name of his wife.
34
00:01:38,582 --> 00:01:40,332
These are their children.
35
00:01:40,384 --> 00:01:43,068
This is Chris,
the firstborn son.
36
00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:46,972
This is little Stewie.
Oh, boy, he's a handful.
37
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,540
Meg.
38
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:51,409
And introducingDoodles Weaveras Brian the Dog.
39
00:01:53,430 --> 00:01:56,142
We don't trust just
any cigarette
for our children.
40
00:01:56,166 --> 00:01:59,401
Raleigh Kids is the only
cigarette made for tiny hands.
41
00:01:59,470 --> 00:02:02,104
It's why it's the playground
favorite. Right, kids?
42
00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:06,469
And now, Raleigh Kids,
43
00:02:06,493 --> 00:02:08,660
also the makers
of Kinder Coffee,
44
00:02:08,728 --> 00:02:11,430
invites you to watch Family Guy.
45
00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:15,651
Dad, I overheard
the fellas talking.
46
00:02:15,719 --> 00:02:18,086
Can I ask you a question
about girls?
47
00:02:18,155 --> 00:02:19,833
Of course, son.
You're a young man now.
48
00:02:19,857 --> 00:02:21,340
It's natural to be curious.
49
00:02:21,408 --> 00:02:22,774
Thanks, Pop.
50
00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:24,809
What's "knuckle-dunk"?
51
00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:26,489
Uhp, atomic test.
52
00:02:26,513 --> 00:02:27,779
Put on your glasses.
53
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,659
Never mind
what your friends said.
54
00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:32,450
If you want to have fun
with your girl, try dancing.
55
00:02:32,519 --> 00:02:34,463
It's fun and good
for your health.
56
00:02:36,389 --> 00:02:38,168
Swell, that's helpful.
57
00:02:38,192 --> 00:02:40,136
So, what's going on
if a guy says
58
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:43,028
a girl "has a red scare
in her Harry Truman"?
59
00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:45,096
Fence.
60
00:02:50,637 --> 00:02:52,637
Oh, look,
here comes the milkman.
61
00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:58,193
So convenient.
62
00:02:58,262 --> 00:03:00,173
Good evening,
everyone. I'm Tom Tucker,
63
00:03:00,197 --> 00:03:01,941
and this is the Radio 5 news.
64
00:03:01,965 --> 00:03:04,833
Our top story this evening,
songsmith Elvis Presley
65
00:03:04,901 --> 00:03:07,847
will be appearing on
The Ed Sullivan Show
this Sunday night
66
00:03:07,871 --> 00:03:10,739
on that never-gonna-last fad
called television.
67
00:03:10,807 --> 00:03:14,408
And now a wordfrom our sponsor:Fred Trump Apartments.
68
00:03:14,477 --> 00:03:17,646
If you don't want to live
with blacks, Fred Trump.
69
00:03:17,714 --> 00:03:21,215
Wow, Elvis Presley!
Can we get a television set?
70
00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:23,229
Sorry, Chris,
we don't got the money.
71
00:03:23,253 --> 00:03:24,619
I spent our entire savings
72
00:03:24,688 --> 00:03:27,050
building that stupid fallout
shelter we never get to use.
73
00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:30,236
Why don't you just buy a TV
for the weekend,
74
00:03:30,260 --> 00:03:31,538
watch Elvis,
75
00:03:31,562 --> 00:03:33,540
and then return it on Monday
and say it doesn't work?
76
00:03:33,564 --> 00:03:35,642
Boy, even in the '50s,
you're a scumbag.
77
00:03:35,666 --> 00:03:38,333
- That's a great idea, boy!
- Hang on.
78
00:03:38,401 --> 00:03:41,235
Why don't I just get a job
to help pay for it?
79
00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:43,638
What? No wife of mine
is working.
80
00:03:43,707 --> 00:03:45,818
There's underpants
in this house
that need starching.
81
00:03:45,842 --> 00:03:48,109
I don't want to go to work
in soft underpants
82
00:03:48,178 --> 00:03:51,179
like some Nancy boy;
I want to go
to work like this.
83
00:03:53,449 --> 00:03:56,218
Stiff as a plate.
That's underpants.
84
00:04:01,258 --> 00:04:04,392
We got some time before Elvis.
Can we see what else is on?
85
00:04:04,461 --> 00:04:06,056
Sure thing.
86
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:09,581
We now return to 1950s sci-fi,
87
00:04:09,649 --> 00:04:12,967
which is alwaysa man in a silver suitbattling a monster.
88
00:04:13,036 --> 00:04:14,736
Leave us humans alone.
89
00:04:14,805 --> 00:04:18,606
It's 1994, and the moon
belongs to Earth.
90
00:04:21,545 --> 00:04:23,044
Rawr.
91
00:04:30,036 --> 00:04:31,936
It's safe now.
92
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:34,740
How's the soil,
Professor Knockers?
93
00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:36,007
It's good.
94
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:37,809
Good. Good.
95
00:04:38,995 --> 00:04:40,640
Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker,
96
00:04:40,664 --> 00:04:42,864
previously of Radio 5 news.
97
00:04:42,932 --> 00:04:44,999
Tonight, I bring you
a special report.
98
00:04:45,068 --> 00:04:47,986
Women in the workplace:
hilarious or disturbing?
99
00:04:48,054 --> 00:04:50,221
♪ ♪
100
00:04:51,975 --> 00:04:55,343
I am a 1950s man
101
00:04:55,412 --> 00:04:57,579
speaking in a stilted manner,
102
00:04:57,648 --> 00:05:01,249
seemingly with no
self-awareness whatsoever.
103
00:05:01,317 --> 00:05:05,219
I am shouting for some reason
104
00:05:05,288 --> 00:05:10,291
and will now suddenly be
replaced by crude graphics.
105
00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:18,900
This factory
has been beset by women.
106
00:05:18,969 --> 00:05:21,085
Is your factory next?
107
00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:28,243
Lois, that's you!
You took a job?
108
00:05:28,329 --> 00:05:30,329
Sorry, Peter.
I wanted to tell you,
109
00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:32,342
but you were
so dead set against it.
110
00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:33,765
Damn right I'm against it!
111
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,874
If God wanted
women in the workplace,
112
00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:37,380
he'd have made them alcoholics.
113
00:05:37,404 --> 00:05:38,881
Now, you're quitting
that job tomorrow.
114
00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:41,673
- No, I'm not.
- Quiet. Elvis is on.
115
00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:44,692
Ladiesand gentlemen,Elvis Presley.
116
00:05:47,164 --> 00:05:49,897
- Huh?
- What?! Elvis Presley
is white?
117
00:05:49,967 --> 00:05:51,710
Cleveland, did you know
about this?
118
00:05:51,734 --> 00:05:54,735
Come on, Donna, let's pick up
some gizzards and fried skins
119
00:05:54,804 --> 00:05:56,549
and head on down
to the juke joint.
120
00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:58,557
Tonight, it's gonna be jumpin'!
121
00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:03,662
And it was jumpin'.
It really was.
122
00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,608
But I was banished
to the sidewalk
123
00:06:05,632 --> 00:06:09,467
because I called one
of the band guys a bad name.
124
00:06:13,357 --> 00:06:15,418
I thought you were
bringing the TV back.
125
00:06:15,442 --> 00:06:17,742
I changed my mind.
This TV is awesome!
126
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:19,477
I've been watching it all day.
127
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,846
You can keep your job
so we can afford this thing.
128
00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:25,182
- Oh, that's great news, Peter.
- You know, Lois,
I had an idea.
129
00:06:25,251 --> 00:06:28,085
Instead of eating
in another room and talking,
130
00:06:28,154 --> 00:06:31,489
what if we bring the food
out here and never talk again?
131
00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,758
- That's a great idea.
- Shh.
132
00:06:38,748 --> 00:06:41,460
Are youlooking for the perfectbreakfast meal?
133
00:06:41,484 --> 00:06:44,485
Try Post Raisin Bran,
made with raisins,
134
00:06:44,554 --> 00:06:46,933
which are grapesthat have beendried in the sun
135
00:06:46,957 --> 00:06:48,723
for a long period of time,
136
00:06:48,792 --> 00:06:52,677
and bran,the hard outer layersof cereal grain.
137
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:56,931
Along with germ,it is an integral partof whole grains.
138
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,633
When you eat Raisin Bran,
it fills your stomach
139
00:06:59,702 --> 00:07:02,404
and keeps you from feeling
the sensation of hunger.
140
00:07:02,472 --> 00:07:04,673
"Hunger" being pangs
in the belly
141
00:07:04,741 --> 00:07:06,741
as a result
of lack of nourishment,
142
00:07:06,776 --> 00:07:09,444
thereby sending signals
to your brain telling you,
143
00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:11,213
"Hey, I'm hungry."
144
00:07:11,281 --> 00:07:14,115
And when you hear
Mr. "Hey, I'm Hungry,"
145
00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:17,485
be sure to havea hearty bowl ofPost Raisin Bran.
146
00:07:17,554 --> 00:07:20,572
Again, made with raisins,
which are grapes
147
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,453
that have beendried in the sunfor a long period of time,
148
00:07:23,477 --> 00:07:27,044
and bran,the hard outer layersof cereal grain.
149
00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:31,016
Along with germ,it is an integral partof whole grains.
150
00:07:33,103 --> 00:07:36,471
♪ Post Raisin Bran ♪
151
00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:39,552
♪ Made with raisins,which are grapesthat have been dried ♪
152
00:07:39,576 --> 00:07:44,212
♪ In the sunfor a long period of time ♪
153
00:07:44,281 --> 00:07:46,614
♪ And bran ♪
154
00:07:46,683 --> 00:07:50,685
♪ The hard outer layersof cereal grain ♪
155
00:07:50,753 --> 00:07:52,487
♪ Along with germ ♪
156
00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:56,991
♪ It is an integral partof whole grains ♪
157
00:07:57,060 --> 00:08:00,528
♪ Post Raisin Bran. ♪
158
00:08:00,596 --> 00:08:02,897
Boy, these commercials
go by fast.
159
00:08:02,966 --> 00:08:05,166
You can barely absorb any of it.
160
00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:07,569
I don't know
how you do it, Peter.
161
00:08:07,638 --> 00:08:08,781
Can we get some Raisin Bran?
162
00:08:08,805 --> 00:08:10,182
Do we have any Raisin Bran
in the house?
163
00:08:10,206 --> 00:08:11,673
Just working day after day,
164
00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:13,753
I'm exhausted,
and I miss my family.
165
00:08:13,777 --> 00:08:15,688
It's made with raisins,
which are grapes
166
00:08:15,712 --> 00:08:18,424
that have been
dried in the sun
for a long period of time.
167
00:08:18,448 --> 00:08:20,649
I gave my notice,
and tomorrow's my last day.
168
00:08:20,717 --> 00:08:22,850
So I guess we have
to get rid of the TV.
169
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:24,664
By the way,
Chris and Raisin Bran
170
00:08:24,688 --> 00:08:25,987
are at Raisin Bran practice.
171
00:08:29,425 --> 00:08:31,385
Peter, I got a surprise for you.
172
00:08:31,427 --> 00:08:32,761
Raisin Bran?
173
00:08:32,829 --> 00:08:34,062
A television?
174
00:08:34,131 --> 00:08:36,142
We can't afford this;
you quit your job.
175
00:08:36,166 --> 00:08:38,377
This is
what we were making
on the line.
176
00:08:38,401 --> 00:08:41,669
The only reason
I wanted to work
was to make this for you.
177
00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:44,872
Oh, Lois, you're the greatest.
178
00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:46,782
Ah!
179
00:08:50,513 --> 00:08:54,282
I guess this is why
women shouldn't work.
180
00:08:54,350 --> 00:08:56,517
To the moon, Lois!
181
00:08:56,586 --> 00:08:58,853
"To the moon"?
Wh-What does that mean?
182
00:08:58,922 --> 00:09:00,721
You know, "to-to the moon."
183
00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:02,769
Okay, you're threatening
to punch me so hard
184
00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:04,259
I'm gonna fly to the moon?
185
00:09:04,327 --> 00:09:07,361
Like-like it's funny
to hit me so violently
186
00:09:07,430 --> 00:09:10,364
my body will fly out
of the atmosphere?
187
00:09:12,402 --> 00:09:14,986
Well, it's not funny anymore.
188
00:09:21,928 --> 00:09:24,863
♪ Hi, I'm Peter ♪
189
00:09:24,931 --> 00:09:27,115
♪ This is Lois ♪
190
00:09:27,184 --> 00:09:30,401
♪ My sons Stewie and Chris ♪
191
00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:33,538
♪ Our dog Brian,and the rest is this ♪
192
00:09:35,392 --> 00:09:38,710
♪ We live in Quahog,near the beach ♪
193
00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:42,380
♪ A wizard gave my babythe power of speech ♪
194
00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:45,800
♪ No one can hear him,but when he's away ♪
195
00:09:45,869 --> 00:09:49,037
♪ People in towncan hear what he says ♪
196
00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:53,507
♪ This is Family Guy. ♪
197
00:09:53,576 --> 00:09:55,960
The dog talks, too!
198
00:09:59,916 --> 00:10:01,749
Good morning, family.
199
00:10:01,818 --> 00:10:04,369
I'll have my regular breakfast
and the newspaper, please.
200
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:07,138
Okay, here's your highball,
a grapefruit,
201
00:10:07,206 --> 00:10:09,151
and our one weird
serrated spoon.
202
00:10:09,175 --> 00:10:13,110
- And Raisin Bran?
- Yes.
203
00:10:13,179 --> 00:10:16,259
But sorry,
there's no newspaper.
Chris quit his paper route.
204
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:18,949
- What?
- Aw, jobs are for bozos.
205
00:10:19,018 --> 00:10:20,696
Besides,
I won't be around to work.
206
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,688
Me and my pals are going
to Woodstock to smoke dope.
207
00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:27,558
No, you are not!
Chris Griffin,
you are grounded.
208
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:29,193
Oh, I hate you!
209
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:32,096
Now I'll never
get to see Sha Na Na!
210
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:38,235
Hello. I just moved in
down the block.
211
00:10:38,288 --> 00:10:41,389
My name's Herbert,
not Roy Mitchell.
212
00:10:41,458 --> 00:10:45,159
So, if you see news reports
about a Roy Mitchell
213
00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:49,530
from three towns over
who was accused of
all sorts of nonsense
214
00:10:49,599 --> 00:10:53,167
and left in a hurry,
it's got nothing
to do with me,
215
00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:55,970
because, again, I'm...
216
00:10:56,038 --> 00:10:57,504
Herbert.
217
00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:04,462
Mom, Dad, Chris is gone!
He went to Woodstock.
218
00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:06,531
Now, Meg, nobody likes a snitch.
219
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:09,033
I'm not a snitch,
I just tell it like it is.
220
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:10,234
Damn it, Meg!
221
00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:12,504
Excuse me, Peter,
maybe I should handle this.
222
00:11:12,572 --> 00:11:14,350
- Mr. Brady?
- You know, Meg,
223
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:16,819
when you tattle
on someone, you're not
just telling on them,
224
00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:18,676
you're telling on yourself.
225
00:11:18,745 --> 00:11:21,557
And by tattling
on someone, you're really
just telling them,
226
00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:23,247
"I'm a tattletale."
227
00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:25,817
Now, is that the tale
you want to tell?
228
00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:28,648
- I never thought
of it that way.
- Thanks, Mr. Brady.
229
00:11:28,672 --> 00:11:30,538
That's right. Mike Brady.
230
00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:34,208
So, if you see
any news reports about
an actor named Robert Reed
231
00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:37,812
from three towns over
who was accused of
all sorts of nonsense
232
00:11:37,881 --> 00:11:40,626
and left in a hurry,
it's got nothing
to do with me,
233
00:11:40,650 --> 00:11:43,451
because, again, I'm...
234
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:45,152
Mike Brady.
235
00:11:45,221 --> 00:11:46,754
Chris went to Woodstock?
236
00:11:46,823 --> 00:11:48,734
I got to get there
and bring him back
237
00:11:48,758 --> 00:11:49,998
before something bad happens.
238
00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:13,898
Honey, I'm taking the compact;
save a little on gas.
239
00:12:28,215 --> 00:12:30,548
Cars are bigger back now.
240
00:12:32,719 --> 00:12:34,719
♪ ♪
241
00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:40,959
Oh, no, my dad!
242
00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:42,688
Chris!
243
00:12:42,712 --> 00:12:45,580
He'll be here in ten minutes.
I got to hide!
244
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:51,068
- Chris!
- Dad, what are you doing here?
245
00:12:51,137 --> 00:12:54,305
- I'm here to bring you home.
- Well, I'm not going.
246
00:12:54,373 --> 00:12:56,741
I'm staying here
and smoking dope.
247
00:12:56,810 --> 00:12:59,811
What? No son of mine
is gonna be smoking dope.
248
00:12:59,879 --> 00:13:03,748
Why not, Dad? Is it any worse
than your three-martini lunch?
249
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:05,483
What?! No son of mine
250
00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:07,563
is gonna be drinking
a three-martini lunch.
251
00:13:07,587 --> 00:13:11,055
Why not, Dad? Is it
any worse than your
five-Scotch breakfast?
252
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:12,857
What?! No son of mine
253
00:13:12,925 --> 00:13:14,970
is gonna be drinking
a five-Scotch breakfast.
254
00:13:14,994 --> 00:13:16,961
Why not, Dad?
Is it any worse than
255
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:20,264
your "three X's
drawn on the jug"
corn whiskey moonshine?
256
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:23,651
What?! No son of mine
drink anything but rice wine.
257
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:27,639
That's right, we trace
our early family roots
to Asia.
258
00:13:27,707 --> 00:13:30,375
Listen, Chris,
your mother and I love you.
259
00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:33,110
We just want you to stay a kid
a little bit longer.
260
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:36,781
- You understand?
- Um, y-yeah.
261
00:13:36,849 --> 00:13:39,350
I'm glad.
'Cause the thing is, Chris,
262
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:42,187
drugs turn you
into someone you're not.
263
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:45,022
But you know what?
We love you just how you are.
264
00:13:45,091 --> 00:13:48,037
That's why
I'm so grateful I got here
before you dropped acid
265
00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:49,938
or took any kind of drugs that...
266
00:13:49,962 --> 00:13:52,074
You're-you're trippin'
right now, aren't you?
267
00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:54,666
- A little.
- All right.
268
00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:57,235
Hey, why is Pete Townshend
taking pictures of you?
269
00:13:57,304 --> 00:13:59,470
He's been doing that
all day long.
270
00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:01,083
It's for a book.
271
00:14:01,107 --> 00:14:02,707
I don't think it's for a book.
272
00:14:06,963 --> 00:14:10,331
Okay, I'm off to do
my paper route.
273
00:14:10,416 --> 00:14:12,216
Wow, Peter, your plan worked
274
00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:14,129
to show Chris
how horrible drugs are.
275
00:14:14,153 --> 00:14:16,181
Quiet, Lois,
I'm trying to watch TV.
276
00:14:16,205 --> 00:14:18,372
That's one small step...
277
00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:20,808
Ladies
and gentlemen, the Beatles.
278
00:14:20,877 --> 00:14:22,822
The flash now official,
279
00:14:22,846 --> 00:14:24,690
President Kennedy
has been killed.
280
00:14:24,714 --> 00:14:26,881
God, there's nothing on.
281
00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:29,161
♪ Just sit right backand you'll hear a tale ♪
282
00:14:29,185 --> 00:14:32,025
- There we go.
- ♪ A tale ofa fateful trip... ♪
283
00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:09,590
Lois, why is my son playing
with a vacuum like a girl?
284
00:15:09,658 --> 00:15:11,670
Here, play with this discus
and javelin.
285
00:15:11,694 --> 00:15:13,272
Then you can grow up like a man,
286
00:15:13,296 --> 00:15:15,463
like track and field star
Bruce Jenner,
287
00:15:15,531 --> 00:15:17,531
the greatest man in the world.
288
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:19,817
Maybe you'll even end up
on a box of Wheaties.
289
00:15:19,886 --> 00:15:22,169
Didn't these used
to have nuts in 'em?
290
00:15:23,689 --> 00:15:26,735
Chris, I see in the paper
that Vietnam
is still going on,
291
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:29,927
and as a blue-collar TV dad,
I demand you enlist.
292
00:15:29,996 --> 00:15:32,007
Peter, you can't send Chris
to Vietnam.
293
00:15:32,031 --> 00:15:33,542
They're bombing
women and children.
294
00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:35,411
You have no idea
how bad it is over there.
295
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,901
I don't?
Oh, I know war, my friend.
296
00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:40,071
I stormed the beaches
at Normandy.
297
00:15:41,991 --> 00:15:43,791
Of course, it was 1958,
298
00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:46,027
so the resistance
wasn't quite as stiff.
299
00:15:46,096 --> 00:15:48,262
No running.
300
00:15:48,331 --> 00:15:49,663
I said no running!
301
00:15:49,733 --> 00:15:52,233
I'm not running!
302
00:15:52,301 --> 00:15:54,479
Chris, you are
going to Vietnam
and doing your duty,
303
00:15:54,503 --> 00:15:55,970
like Quagmire did.
304
00:15:56,039 --> 00:15:58,017
As a matter of fact,
his tour just ended
305
00:15:58,041 --> 00:15:59,752
and his transport
should be getting in soon.
306
00:15:59,776 --> 00:16:01,053
So let's head down
to the airfield
307
00:16:01,077 --> 00:16:03,660
and give our soldiers
the respect they deserve.
308
00:16:08,051 --> 00:16:10,418
Welcome home, Quagmire.
309
00:16:10,486 --> 00:16:13,421
Oh, good to see you
back safely, Glenn.
310
00:16:13,489 --> 00:16:15,822
- Murderer!
- Hey, show some respect.
311
00:16:15,891 --> 00:16:17,291
Sorry.
312
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,338
Oh, I left my carry-on
back on the plane.
313
00:16:19,362 --> 00:16:20,761
All right, when he comes back,
314
00:16:20,829 --> 00:16:22,607
we got to make him
feel welcome again.
315
00:16:27,753 --> 00:16:29,298
Boy, the Clam
sure looks different.
316
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,300
Yeah, just be careful
with your collars
on the way in.
317
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,523
They're kind of sharp.
318
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:41,065
Hey.
319
00:16:45,405 --> 00:16:47,004
Oh.
320
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,841
Hey, hey, hey.
321
00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:08,475
Yeah, we'll have a round
of beers for the table.
322
00:17:08,544 --> 00:17:10,127
Uhp, we got her, too.
323
00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:13,431
It's good to have you
back from the war
in one piece, Quagmire.
324
00:17:13,499 --> 00:17:15,516
Yeah, some of us
weren't so lucky.
325
00:17:15,584 --> 00:17:17,463
What are you talking about?
You never went to Vietnam.
326
00:17:17,487 --> 00:17:18,753
Hell I didn't!
327
00:17:18,822 --> 00:17:21,522
I went to the draft board
and told them I was gay
328
00:17:21,591 --> 00:17:24,124
and then got hit by a bus
on the walk home.
329
00:17:28,164 --> 00:17:30,498
So, Quagmire, Chris is
shipping out tomorrow morning,
330
00:17:30,567 --> 00:17:32,099
and he's pretty nervous.
331
00:17:32,168 --> 00:17:35,470
I know you enjoy staring,
like, 3,000 feet out
into dead space,
332
00:17:35,538 --> 00:17:37,683
but you got any good stories
I could tell him
333
00:17:37,707 --> 00:17:39,073
about how cool 'Nam is?
334
00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:41,854
You know,
there's lots of things
you expect in war...
335
00:17:41,878 --> 00:17:44,445
Carnage, the sleepless nights...
336
00:17:44,514 --> 00:17:46,647
But what they don't
prepare you for
337
00:17:46,716 --> 00:17:49,183
is the incessant use
of "Fortunate Son."
338
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:54,000
I'd hear that songany time I wasin a helicopter.
339
00:17:54,957 --> 00:17:57,575
Or taking a swift boat
deep into the jungle,
340
00:17:57,643 --> 00:17:59,960
that song again.
341
00:18:00,029 --> 00:18:01,807
My penis would even play
"Fortunate Son"
342
00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:04,164
while I was visiting
a whorehouse.
343
00:18:04,233 --> 00:18:07,334
♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪
344
00:18:07,403 --> 00:18:10,638
♪ I ain'tno millionaire's son, no... ♪
345
00:18:10,707 --> 00:18:12,707
Oh, Lord, that's horrible!
346
00:18:12,775 --> 00:18:14,887
There must have been
some other song you heard.
347
00:18:14,911 --> 00:18:16,577
Yeah, there was.
348
00:18:16,646 --> 00:18:19,246
That "There's something
happening here" song.
349
00:18:19,315 --> 00:18:20,781
Hey, I just realized,
350
00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:23,010
your clothes kind of look
like the jungle.
351
00:18:23,052 --> 00:18:24,972
Shut up, Joe!
You weren't there!
352
00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:27,388
You don't know!
I'll kill you! I'll kill you!
353
00:18:27,456 --> 00:18:29,068
You didn't hear
the songs I heard!
354
00:18:29,092 --> 00:18:31,237
Oh, my God,
Chris ships out
in the morning!
355
00:18:31,261 --> 00:18:33,906
I got to get him out of there.
I thought this war
would be fun,
356
00:18:33,930 --> 00:18:36,530
you know, just go over there
and fight the Donkey Kong.
357
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:39,083
We were trying
to fight the war our way,
358
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:41,185
the way we'd always fought wars,
359
00:18:41,254 --> 00:18:44,788
but we were
gradually climbing
steel beams and ladders,
360
00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:46,690
and the Donkey Kong knew that.
361
00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:48,692
It was barrel after barrel.
362
00:18:48,761 --> 00:18:50,561
We lost a lot of good men.
363
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,729
And so many quarters.
364
00:18:59,238 --> 00:19:01,150
Now, listen up!
When you hear your name,
365
00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:03,485
I want you
to sound off smartly
and move out.
366
00:19:03,509 --> 00:19:05,492
- Capo.
- Yes, sir.
367
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:07,201
- Sumner.
- Yes, sir.
368
00:19:07,263 --> 00:19:08,462
Griffin.
369
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:12,416
Chris Griffin!
370
00:19:12,484 --> 00:19:13,918
Yes, sir.
371
00:19:15,204 --> 00:19:17,504
I didn't think this through.- ♪ ♪
372
00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:19,635
Hey, where you going?!
What's the matter with you?!
373
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:23,110
I said put your duffel bag
right there!
374
00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:27,147
♪ Hey, guys, wait ♪
375
00:19:27,216 --> 00:19:29,182
♪ I'm not supposedto be here ♪
376
00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:31,452
♪ Stop, halt ♪
377
00:19:31,521 --> 00:19:33,487
♪ My name's not Chris,it's Peter ♪
378
00:19:33,556 --> 00:19:35,423
♪ He's late ♪
379
00:19:35,491 --> 00:19:37,202
♪ He's probablyat the theater ♪
380
00:19:37,226 --> 00:19:41,645
♪ Watching a '70s movie ♪
381
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:45,615
♪ Maybe
The French Connection ♪
382
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:49,887
♪ Or possibly Godfather II ♪
383
00:19:49,955 --> 00:19:54,425
♪ The number, not "also" ♪
384
00:19:54,494 --> 00:19:58,545
♪ Let my son die ♪
385
00:19:58,615 --> 00:20:02,048
♪ Let my son die ♪
386
00:20:02,117 --> 00:20:07,137
♪ My son, not me ♪
387
00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:10,107
♪ Let his son die ♪
388
00:20:11,143 --> 00:20:15,229
♪ Let his son die ♪
389
00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:17,881
♪ His son, not him ♪
390
00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:19,817
♪ Oh, whoa ♪
391
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,119
- ♪ Let his son die ♪
- ♪ Let him die ♪
392
00:20:22,188 --> 00:20:24,188
♪ Locked in a cage ♪
393
00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:27,391
- ♪ Let his son die ♪
- ♪ Like John McCain ♪
394
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:32,846
- ♪ His son, not him ♪
- ♪ Can't raise his arms. ♪
395
00:20:35,852 --> 00:20:38,463
Well, that's
all we got tonight.
Hope you enjoyed it.
396
00:20:38,487 --> 00:20:41,299
And I hope the exhibits
here at The Museum
of Television & Radio
397
00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:43,824
don't come to life
like Night at the Museum.
398
00:20:43,893 --> 00:20:46,326
- Hey, Peter!
- Don Knotts!
399
00:20:46,395 --> 00:20:48,595
- I just want to talk.
- Stay away from me!
400
00:20:48,665 --> 00:20:50,542
Andy Griffith
used to beat me up.
401
00:20:50,566 --> 00:20:51,866
He was a big drinker.
402
00:20:51,934 --> 00:20:53,445
Ask Ron Howard, he'll tell you.
403
00:20:53,469 --> 00:20:55,069
Help! Someone!
404
00:20:55,138 --> 00:20:58,272
Tim Conway was sleeping with
half the Apple Dumpling Gang.
405
00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:00,808
You two were the only ones
in the Apple Dumpling Gang!
406
00:21:00,877 --> 00:21:03,327
You're doing the math now,
aren't you?
32409
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