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♪ It seems todaythat all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:08,007
♪ Is violence in moviesand sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,075 --> 00:00:11,576
♪ But where are thosegood old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:14,480
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:18,150
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:21,536
♪ Lucky there's a man whopositively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,166
♪ All the thingsthat make us ♪
8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,956
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:25,026 --> 00:00:30,095
♪ He's... a...Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,739
Ah, the Aiwa Double Tape Deck.
11
00:00:40,807 --> 00:00:43,108
The Waldorf and Statler
of every thrift store.
12
00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:44,805
The selection here stinks.
13
00:00:44,829 --> 00:00:46,573
Yeah, and so do the customers.
14
00:00:49,533 --> 00:00:52,117
Jim Henson died
of treatable pneumonia.
15
00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:54,986
Hey, Brian, remember
Sisterhood of the TravelingPants?
16
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:57,555
They have the magic
girl-power jeans.
17
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:01,626
Holy crap, what happened?
18
00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:04,796
I don't know. I-I think
I turned into America Ferrera.
19
00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:07,532
I don't want this.
Help! Someone, help!
20
00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:09,901
Looking passable, Stewie.
21
00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:12,604
Looking damn passable.
22
00:01:14,441 --> 00:01:17,075
Aw, crap, people we know.
You know the drill.
23
00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:21,479
We're donating, not buying.
24
00:01:21,548 --> 00:01:24,450
Just doing our part to give
back to the community.
25
00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:25,962
I'm gonna go wait in the alley.
26
00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:29,587
Could you just ball them up
and throw them out the window?
27
00:01:29,656 --> 00:01:32,390
Putting on strangers' hats
is always a good idea.
28
00:01:38,215 --> 00:01:39,948
- Thank you for your service.
- Huh?
29
00:01:40,017 --> 00:01:41,382
My father's a veteran, too.
30
00:01:41,451 --> 00:01:43,763
Thank you for protecting us
and for posting revenge porn
31
00:01:43,787 --> 00:01:45,364
on Marine Corps message boards.
32
00:01:45,388 --> 00:01:46,621
Oh, actually, I'm not...
33
00:01:46,690 --> 00:01:48,568
I'm gonna start a trend of
interrupting your sentences.
34
00:01:48,592 --> 00:01:50,003
Well, no, it's just a hat.
I didn't...
35
00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:51,292
Thank you for your service.
36
00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:53,095
Bless you
and all of our veterans.
37
00:01:53,163 --> 00:01:54,507
No, guys, I-I'm not
really a vet...
38
00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:56,142
I don't have time to hear
the rest of your sentence,
39
00:01:56,166 --> 00:01:57,577
but thank you
for being a veteran
40
00:01:57,601 --> 00:01:59,245
because you're
definitely a veteran.
41
00:01:59,269 --> 00:02:03,171
And I'm Cris Collinsworth from
NBC Sunday Night Football.
42
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:06,041
On behalf of all
TV football dummies,
43
00:02:06,110 --> 00:02:07,909
thank you for your service.
44
00:02:07,978 --> 00:02:10,212
You're-you're welcome.
45
00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,514
Wow. Feels real good
to be a veteran,
46
00:02:12,583 --> 00:02:15,367
even better than buying
a bottle of Newman's Own.
47
00:02:17,353 --> 00:02:20,122
This makes me a good person.
48
00:02:20,207 --> 00:02:21,687
Hey,
49
00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:24,543
someone just bought a bottle
of bland salad dressing.
50
00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:27,779
Now we can use all proceeds
to do jihad stuff.
51
00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:32,784
♪ ♪
52
00:02:37,174 --> 00:02:38,684
Hey, Peter, what's with the hat?
53
00:02:38,708 --> 00:02:40,586
- I'm pretending
to be a veteran.
- What?
54
00:02:40,610 --> 00:02:43,078
Yeah, it's awesome.
Vets get all the sweet deals.
55
00:02:43,147 --> 00:02:45,113
I mean, you never see
a homeless vet.
56
00:02:45,182 --> 00:02:46,559
And people have been
really nice.
57
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:48,463
Everywhere I go,
they open doors for me.
58
00:02:49,787 --> 00:02:51,987
- Welcome, sir.
- Thank you.
59
00:02:53,390 --> 00:02:55,857
Hey, so when really
fat people come,
60
00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:58,076
make sure we're opening
both doors.
61
00:02:58,145 --> 00:02:59,944
Guys, you could be
veterans, too.
62
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:02,013
Look what happens
when I put on sunglasses.
63
00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:04,994
♪ Highway tothe danger zone... ♪
64
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,518
- Wow!
- I want to try.
65
00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:09,288
♪ Highway tothe danger zone. ♪
66
00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:11,256
It's loud being a veteran!
67
00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:13,036
The hell is wrong
with you guys?!
68
00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:15,294
Do I need to remind you
I actually am a veteran?
69
00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:18,074
And I'm sickened by
the thought of trolling
for free handouts
70
00:03:18,098 --> 00:03:20,815
on account of being a vet,
much less pretending
to be one.
71
00:03:20,884 --> 00:03:22,629
Quagmire, what if
I told you your glasses
72
00:03:22,653 --> 00:03:24,135
do "Playing With The Boys"?
73
00:03:24,205 --> 00:03:25,504
The volleyball scene?
74
00:03:25,572 --> 00:03:27,305
Go ahead, give it a whirl.
75
00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:29,441
♪ I'm playing... ♪
76
00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:32,744
Whoa! It's like I'm
high-fiving with
Anthony Edwards.
77
00:03:32,812 --> 00:03:34,646
And it's not like I'd be lying.
78
00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:37,582
There we go. Hey, another
round for me and my veteran
buddies.
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00:03:39,453 --> 00:03:41,720
Dad, Family Guy used
two of your songs.
80
00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:44,122
Well, that's great,
but I'm not your dad.
81
00:03:44,190 --> 00:03:47,426
I'm Kenny Loggins and you're
a groupie I brought here for
sex.
82
00:03:47,494 --> 00:03:48,760
Dad, Family Guy just...
83
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:50,629
See, now, that's my daughter.
84
00:03:54,952 --> 00:03:56,663
You guys got your
video cameras ready?
85
00:03:56,687 --> 00:03:58,236
Yeah. What's going on?
86
00:03:58,305 --> 00:04:01,139
Well, as a veteran, I get
to star in a viral YouTube
video
87
00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:03,508
of me reuniting
with my beloved pet.
88
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,560
So here goes.
89
00:04:05,628 --> 00:04:07,779
♪ ♪
90
00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:18,022
My pet is Christian the lion.
91
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,191
I'm doing two Internet
things at once.
92
00:04:20,261 --> 00:04:22,261
This is my heterosexual
roommate, Ace,
93
00:04:22,329 --> 00:04:24,730
with whom I shared the lion
two decades ago.
94
00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:27,348
- You look great, Peter.
- I have a family now!
95
00:04:31,871 --> 00:04:34,339
You know, guys, if being
a veteran is about anything,
96
00:04:34,408 --> 00:04:36,474
it's about getting
half-hearted applause
97
00:04:36,543 --> 00:04:39,277
on a Southwest Airlines flight.
98
00:04:39,346 --> 00:04:40,790
Veterans.
99
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,764
Yay, veterans.
100
00:04:42,833 --> 00:04:45,633
Holy crap, you're Eric Dane
from Marley and Me,
101
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:47,134
and other stuff!
102
00:04:47,203 --> 00:04:49,281
I'm afraid you got to give us
your front-of-the-plane seats
103
00:04:49,305 --> 00:04:51,225
'cause that's what celebrities
do for veterans.
104
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,524
Well, clear out, kids.
105
00:04:52,592 --> 00:04:54,404
It's just part
of the Hollywood deal.
106
00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:56,027
Thank you. Thanks.
107
00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:58,179
Thank you so much.
This is why I served.
108
00:04:58,248 --> 00:05:00,165
"USS Nathan James"?
109
00:05:00,234 --> 00:05:02,200
Yes, sir.
Boats, military, sir.
110
00:05:02,269 --> 00:05:04,252
The Nathan James
is the fictitious ship
111
00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:06,120
on TNT's The Last Ship,
112
00:05:06,189 --> 00:05:08,590
starring Adam Baldwin
and Jocko Sims.
113
00:05:08,658 --> 00:05:11,059
- And Eric Dane.
- Uh-oh.
114
00:05:11,128 --> 00:05:13,462
You guys aren't veterans
at all. You're frauds.
115
00:05:15,165 --> 00:05:16,598
Okay, we ain't real vets.
116
00:05:16,666 --> 00:05:18,333
Quagmire served in the Navy.
117
00:05:18,402 --> 00:05:20,701
The rest of us are charlatans.
118
00:05:20,771 --> 00:05:22,436
- Boo!
- You're terrible!
119
00:05:22,505 --> 00:05:24,839
I fly Southwest to have
a classy experience
120
00:05:24,908 --> 00:05:26,941
and you've ruined it.
121
00:05:27,010 --> 00:05:28,921
Excuse me, gentlemen.
You're under arrest.
122
00:05:28,945 --> 00:05:30,211
What?! Why?!
123
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:32,947
You three are in violation
of the Stolen Valor Act,
124
00:05:33,016 --> 00:05:35,183
which makes it a crime
to pretend to be a veteran.
125
00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:37,652
Oh, so suddenly it's a crime
to break the law?
126
00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:39,498
Mr. Quagmire,
you're free to go,
127
00:05:39,522 --> 00:05:41,518
but the rest of you will
have to come with me.
128
00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:43,085
I thought we had it bad,
129
00:05:43,109 --> 00:05:44,375
being gay overhead bins.
130
00:05:44,444 --> 00:05:45,822
What makes us gay?
131
00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,279
We've got bags in our mouths.
132
00:05:54,071 --> 00:05:55,503
Hey, quick, put these on.
133
00:05:55,572 --> 00:05:57,516
They're not gonna throw
a veteran in jail.
134
00:05:57,540 --> 00:05:59,118
Is this some kind of
joke to you?
135
00:05:59,142 --> 00:06:00,641
No, it was a sincere idea.
136
00:06:00,710 --> 00:06:02,210
Real servicemen and women
137
00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:04,646
have made real sacrifices
for this country.
138
00:06:04,714 --> 00:06:07,516
And you. You're an actual
veteran; you should know
better.
139
00:06:07,584 --> 00:06:08,783
I'm sorry.
140
00:06:08,852 --> 00:06:10,985
You made a mockery
of our whole family, Glenn.
141
00:06:11,054 --> 00:06:12,387
Now, everywhere I go,
142
00:06:12,456 --> 00:06:14,956
it's like people are staring
at me and whispering.
143
00:06:15,024 --> 00:06:16,458
Court is now in session.
144
00:06:16,526 --> 00:06:18,960
Judge Dignified Q. Blackman
presiding.
145
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:22,213
You men are accused of
violating the Stolen
Valor Act,
146
00:06:22,282 --> 00:06:24,265
and that's years of jail time.
147
00:06:24,334 --> 00:06:25,995
We forgot to get a lawyer.
148
00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:28,619
But in view of your long
service to comedy,
149
00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:30,471
I'm willing to offer a deal.
150
00:06:30,540 --> 00:06:31,890
What kind of deal?
151
00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:35,059
I'll waive the charges,
but only on the condition
152
00:06:35,128 --> 00:06:37,729
that you men enlist
in the military for real.
153
00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:40,414
You three have to join
the Marines.
154
00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:43,468
Oh, my God. We could be
killed! Please, no!
155
00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:45,231
All right, how about
the Coast Guard?
156
00:06:45,255 --> 00:06:46,688
Yeah, that's fine.
157
00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:48,084
- Wow.
- Something happened.
158
00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:49,401
Something just happened
in court.
159
00:06:49,425 --> 00:06:51,893
Glenn, if you were half
the man I used to be,
160
00:06:51,962 --> 00:06:54,696
you'd stand up and join them.
161
00:06:54,764 --> 00:06:57,199
Your Honor?
I'd like to sign up, too.
162
00:06:57,267 --> 00:06:58,378
Oh, my God.
163
00:06:58,402 --> 00:06:59,796
I was checking my phone.
What happened?
164
00:06:59,820 --> 00:07:02,098
-Excuse me?
-That's right.
I'm going with them.
165
00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:04,405
The four of us will join
the Coast Guard together.
166
00:07:04,474 --> 00:07:07,508
All right. Report to
the induction center
tomorrow.
167
00:07:07,577 --> 00:07:09,744
Court is adjourned.
168
00:07:09,813 --> 00:07:13,097
Next case on the docket:
The People v. Ted 2.
169
00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:15,566
Okay, come on, let's get out
of here. Let's go. Let's go.
170
00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:24,643
Good morning, recruits.
Welcome to the Coast Guard.
171
00:07:24,711 --> 00:07:26,961
Sir, when do we report
for basic training, sir?
172
00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:28,950
Hey, what's with
the "sir" stuff?
173
00:07:28,998 --> 00:07:30,598
This is just the Coast Guard.
174
00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:33,535
Now, come on. Who here can
pantomime driving a boat?
175
00:07:33,603 --> 00:07:35,820
Hmm, we got any boat guys here?
176
00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:39,223
Whoa, look at that.
177
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,159
You guys should be
recruiting me.
178
00:07:41,227 --> 00:07:43,611
Now can you bounce
with the waves a little bit?
179
00:07:45,549 --> 00:07:48,016
Uh-oh! Getting kind of choppy.
180
00:07:48,085 --> 00:07:50,135
Is this guy for real?
This is idiotic.
181
00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:52,047
This is nothing like
what the Navy was.
182
00:07:52,071 --> 00:07:54,150
Shh, Quagmire, I got to
focus on my boat here.
183
00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:56,407
The way people's talking
makes me think
184
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:59,460
we're gonna be dealing
with a lot of water.
185
00:07:59,529 --> 00:08:01,329
You guys seem
to have what it takes,
186
00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:04,032
so raise your right hand as I
recite the Coast Guard pledge.
187
00:08:04,101 --> 00:08:06,568
"When you're here,
you're family."
188
00:08:06,636 --> 00:08:08,869
- Isn't that the slogan for...?
- We had it first!
189
00:08:10,173 --> 00:08:11,839
Everybody ships out tomorrow.
190
00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:14,325
You'll find your assignments
listed on this sheet.
191
00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:18,914
Ah, crap. Where in Iraq
is "Fort El Ahoud Urd Ali"?
192
00:08:18,982 --> 00:08:20,681
Peter, that's Fort Lauderdale.
193
00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:23,751
We're being shipped out to
guard freakin' spring break.
194
00:08:23,820 --> 00:08:25,064
- Sweet!
- All right!
195
00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:26,766
Spring break on the land,
not the water!
196
00:08:26,790 --> 00:08:28,268
No, it's not sweet.
It's a joke.
197
00:08:28,292 --> 00:08:29,524
This whole thing is a joke!
198
00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:31,704
Compared to the Navy,
the Coast Guard is totally
199
00:08:31,728 --> 00:08:33,373
unprofessional and incompetent,
200
00:08:33,397 --> 00:08:35,141
like that ancient Roman intern.
201
00:08:35,165 --> 00:08:38,733
This is Markus.
Today's his first day.
202
00:08:38,802 --> 00:08:42,036
He's going to be
crucifying you now.
203
00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:46,074
He might want to use his hammer.
204
00:08:46,143 --> 00:08:48,309
Ugh, sorry.
I'm so bad at this.
205
00:08:48,378 --> 00:08:50,845
Relax, you're doing fine.
206
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:58,186
- Well, I'm off.
- Oh, Peter, I'm so worried.
207
00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:00,516
- Where are they
stationing you?
- I can't tell you.
208
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,740
That is on
a knead-the-dough basis.
209
00:09:05,662 --> 00:09:07,161
- Florida?!
- Shh!
210
00:09:07,230 --> 00:09:09,147
Hey, you be safe.
211
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,616
Wait, Dad, before you go,
212
00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:13,284
can you teach me to shave?
213
00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:14,519
Well, for starters, bud,
214
00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:15,931
that's supposed to be
on your pubes.
215
00:09:15,955 --> 00:09:18,022
You got a secret inch
hiding under there.
216
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:20,191
This is what
I'm gonna be missing.
217
00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:22,820
Well, that's an unrelated
car honking,
218
00:09:22,862 --> 00:09:24,346
but I'm gonna go now.
219
00:09:24,431 --> 00:09:26,398
♪ ♪
220
00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:35,473
Fort Lauderdale, Florida,
221
00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:38,793
where all the art in every
dentist's office comes from.
222
00:09:38,862 --> 00:09:40,942
All right, let's get to work.
Grab your binoculars.
223
00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:42,574
We got to practice
doing funny double-takes
224
00:09:42,598 --> 00:09:44,331
upon seeing a bikini woman.
225
00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:51,572
Sir, should I say,
"Aaoogah," sir?
226
00:09:51,641 --> 00:09:54,409
Affirmative. And, Joe, I order
you to just let the binoculars
227
00:09:54,478 --> 00:09:56,778
fall right out of your hands,
but you don't even notice
228
00:09:56,847 --> 00:09:58,567
'cause of how foxy the woman is.
229
00:09:58,615 --> 00:10:00,214
All right, yeah.
230
00:10:00,283 --> 00:10:02,412
I can see that we got
the right skill set
for this assignment.
231
00:10:02,436 --> 00:10:03,768
Okay, guys, knock it off.
232
00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:06,938
But, Quagmire, there's spring
break boobs everywhere!
233
00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:08,339
Come on, guys, I mean it.
234
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:10,708
This is important. I want you
to start acting like it.
235
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,877
- Wow, he's serious.
- He's very serious.
236
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:14,528
We're in the motel now.
237
00:10:14,597 --> 00:10:17,649
♪ ♪
238
00:10:18,935 --> 00:10:21,569
Guys, we have to complete
a 160-point inspection
239
00:10:21,637 --> 00:10:24,105
of this coastal patrol cutter.
I'll call them out.
240
00:10:24,174 --> 00:10:26,241
Item one: hydraulic
grapple-winch.
241
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:28,893
Guys?
242
00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:31,601
We're over here,
painting clever names
on boats.
243
00:10:41,607 --> 00:10:44,042
No, Peter, it's supposed
to be short and poppy.
244
00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:45,443
Oh, okay.
245
00:10:53,937 --> 00:10:56,504
Okay, guys, while I scan
for disabled watercraft,
246
00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:59,373
I need a status report
on that hydraulic
grapple-winch.
247
00:10:59,443 --> 00:11:00,742
Guys?
248
00:11:00,811 --> 00:11:02,638
We're busy; we're
hanging out with Aquaman.
249
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,595
I told you, I'm not Aquaman.
250
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,130
I am the Sub-Mariner.
251
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:08,333
- What's your deal?
- I'm just like Aquaman,
252
00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:10,134
but I can't get fish
to do things.
253
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:11,469
That's the big thing.
254
00:11:11,538 --> 00:11:13,349
I mean, isn't that
all Aquaman does?
255
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:15,373
No, he can also breathe
underwater,
256
00:11:15,442 --> 00:11:16,841
and he's strong, like me.
257
00:11:16,909 --> 00:11:18,810
Isn't everyone strong
underwater?
258
00:11:18,878 --> 00:11:20,845
No, no. Not like me.
259
00:11:20,913 --> 00:11:23,914
I can punch a big octopus
a really long way.
260
00:11:23,983 --> 00:11:25,082
Hey, guys.
261
00:11:25,151 --> 00:11:26,751
- Hey, Aquaman!
- Yeah!
262
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,453
Hey, make a fish do something.
263
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:30,588
Aw, shucks, guys, I don't know.
264
00:11:30,657 --> 00:11:32,434
I guess I could do
something like...
265
00:11:32,458 --> 00:11:34,542
this.
266
00:11:38,415 --> 00:11:40,715
Wow, a real superhero.
267
00:11:40,784 --> 00:11:43,551
I-I have little wings
on my feet!
268
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,586
No, just-just, shh, shh.
Ju... it's over.
269
00:11:45,655 --> 00:11:47,155
It's over.
270
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:53,723
Hey, can you guys
keep it down for a bit?
271
00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:55,947
I got to have a FaceTime
conversation with my wife
272
00:11:55,982 --> 00:11:57,794
where we talk at the same
time, and then stop,
273
00:11:57,818 --> 00:11:59,498
and then start again,
then laugh.
274
00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:03,866
- Hi, hon...
- Hi, hon...
275
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:05,401
- No, no, you go...
- You go ahead.
276
00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:06,903
- No, I...
- Go ahead.
277
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:08,237
- Y-You first.
- You first.
278
00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,829
- Hi, Pop.
- Oh, God, Stewie.
279
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:13,197
You've gotten so big.
280
00:12:13,266 --> 00:12:14,644
No, I'm just in the foreground.
281
00:12:14,668 --> 00:12:16,378
You're as tall
as your mother now.
282
00:12:16,402 --> 00:12:18,335
He... he doesn't
understand perspective.
283
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,282
All right, let me say
good-bye to Mommy.
284
00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:21,984
- Well, you take ca...
- Good-bye, hon...
285
00:12:22,008 --> 00:12:23,519
- You go...
- Oh, what?
286
00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:25,143
- You go...
- No, I was just gonna say...
287
00:12:26,195 --> 00:12:28,312
Everything stinks.
288
00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:30,292
- Hey, Quagmire,
where you going?
- I'm going home.
289
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:32,050
- What? Why?
- 'Cause I'm sick of this.
290
00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:34,018
I'm the only one
taking the job seriously.
291
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,898
Hell, you guys still don't
even know how to operate
292
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,483
a simple hydraulic
grapple-winch.
293
00:12:37,507 --> 00:12:39,490
Okay, that's the third time
you've mentioned
294
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:41,192
the hydraulic grapple-winch.
295
00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:42,805
Is that gonna be important
for later?
296
00:12:42,829 --> 00:12:44,545
I feel like maybe it is.
297
00:12:44,631 --> 00:12:46,309
Quagmire, you can't
just go home.
298
00:12:46,333 --> 00:12:47,465
We're stationed here.
299
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:49,567
I wasn't sentenced,
but I came anyway
300
00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:51,480
because I thought I could try
and teach my friends
301
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:54,004
what it means to serve
their country, the way I did.
302
00:12:54,073 --> 00:12:56,273
But you're hopeless,
so I'm done.
303
00:12:57,927 --> 00:12:59,405
And I'm still the voice
304
00:12:59,429 --> 00:13:01,829
of Cris Collinsworth,
and I'm done, too.
305
00:13:03,233 --> 00:13:04,843
Uhp, closet.
306
00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:06,767
Now I got it.
307
00:13:06,836 --> 00:13:08,269
Aw.
308
00:13:08,338 --> 00:13:11,206
I disappointed the stupidest
guy in football.
309
00:13:11,274 --> 00:13:14,075
- I got to go take a sad pee.
- Me, too.
310
00:13:14,143 --> 00:13:16,911
We should probably all go
urinate together, outdoors,
311
00:13:16,979 --> 00:13:20,348
as a group of guys, while
wearing backwards baseball
caps,
312
00:13:20,417 --> 00:13:23,233
per Fort Lauderdale
municipal law.
313
00:13:24,871 --> 00:13:27,005
The Florida ways
are the best ways.
314
00:13:27,073 --> 00:13:28,651
Are we ready to attack?
315
00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:31,776
We are!
And many people will die.
316
00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:33,044
What the hell's that?
317
00:13:37,917 --> 00:13:39,517
Are we ready to attack?
318
00:13:39,585 --> 00:13:42,553
We are! And many
people will die.
319
00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:44,922
- Oh, my God.
- Those evil frat boys
320
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,758
are planning
to kill spring break.
321
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:49,627
And they only had time to
record two lines of dialogue.
322
00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:51,195
Are we ready to attack?
323
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:54,498
We are! And many
people will die.
324
00:13:58,521 --> 00:14:00,565
- We got to stop them.
- All right, let's just find
325
00:14:00,589 --> 00:14:02,439
a quiet place to come up
with a plan.
326
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:04,153
All right, here's what we do!
327
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,644
We track down...
328
00:14:06,712 --> 00:14:09,313
we saw talking and...
329
00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:11,715
Joe, you get us some...
330
00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:14,096
Cleveland, I want you to get...
331
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,354
buildings in the city.
332
00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:19,490
I'm still very unclear
about the plan!
333
00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:21,692
Three more banana daiquiris.
334
00:14:21,761 --> 00:14:24,695
We track down the...
335
00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:32,420
Did you see all
of those guns and weapons
336
00:14:32,488 --> 00:14:35,356
- those evil frat boys had?
- I sure did.
337
00:14:35,424 --> 00:14:37,958
And we still haven't nailed
down a date for visiting
Epcot.
338
00:14:38,027 --> 00:14:39,410
But what can we do?
339
00:14:39,478 --> 00:14:41,946
Quagmire was the only
real soldier among us.
340
00:14:42,015 --> 00:14:43,798
You're right. Compared to him,
341
00:14:43,867 --> 00:14:45,344
we're about as useless
as one of those
342
00:14:45,368 --> 00:14:47,118
automatic bathroom sinks.
343
00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:52,990
Uhp. Uhp.
344
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:56,627
Uhp.
345
00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:00,331
Uhp.
346
00:15:02,168 --> 00:15:03,701
Uhp. Uhp.
347
00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:05,669
Uhp. Uhp. Uhp.
348
00:15:05,739 --> 00:15:07,471
Uhp. Uhp. Uhp.
349
00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:10,208
What the hell are you doing?
This is a women's bathroom.
350
00:15:10,276 --> 00:15:11,809
Uhp.
351
00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:14,812
Come on, guys, we don't need
Quagmire to do the right
thing.
352
00:15:14,881 --> 00:15:16,180
I love that movie.
353
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:18,249
If there's gonna be an attack
at spring break,
354
00:15:18,317 --> 00:15:20,852
we can't just stand by
while people get hurt,
355
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,336
or even killed.
356
00:15:22,405 --> 00:15:25,172
Joe's right.
It's up to us to stop it.
357
00:15:25,241 --> 00:15:26,952
Because we're
in the Coast Guard,
358
00:15:26,976 --> 00:15:29,710
and when you're here,
you're family.
359
00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:46,671
- Great!
- Yeah!
360
00:15:46,695 --> 00:15:48,980
- Ooh!
- Yeah, yeah.
361
00:15:49,048 --> 00:15:51,549
That food was all very salty.
362
00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:53,601
♪ ♪
363
00:15:55,871 --> 00:15:57,638
There's so many people.
364
00:15:57,707 --> 00:15:59,017
We got to find those frat boys.
365
00:15:59,041 --> 00:16:00,219
Look for anything suspicious.
366
00:16:01,544 --> 00:16:03,660
The Coors party ball
is a dirty bomb!
367
00:16:03,729 --> 00:16:06,748
No, Peter, it's not; it's just
the coolest, freshest way
368
00:16:06,816 --> 00:16:09,516
to keep your party rolling
is what it is.
369
00:16:09,585 --> 00:16:10,952
This is hopeless!
370
00:16:11,020 --> 00:16:12,832
There's no way to guess
what their target is.
371
00:16:12,856 --> 00:16:14,383
Final boarding call for
372
00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:15,951
the "Are We Ready To Attack,
We Are,
373
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,075
And Many People Will Die"
booze cruise.
374
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:20,611
Okay, I got a feeling
about that one.
375
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,324
- Let's go!
- No, guys.
376
00:16:22,348 --> 00:16:23,814
We'll never make it on foot.
377
00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:25,800
We got to steal
that kid's Jet Ski.
378
00:16:25,869 --> 00:16:28,386
Peter, the boat's right there.
We'll totally make it.
379
00:16:28,454 --> 00:16:30,134
It's the only way, guys!
380
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:34,358
Peter, we're now literally
standing on the boat.
381
00:16:34,426 --> 00:16:35,893
That's how close the boat is.
382
00:16:37,196 --> 00:16:38,563
Made it!
383
00:16:38,631 --> 00:16:39,908
You wanted to ride the Jet Ski.
384
00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:41,127
I wanted to ride the Jet Ski.
385
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:48,089
How much you reckon
a boat like this cost?
386
00:16:48,158 --> 00:16:51,092
All right, everybody, freeze!
This is the U.S. Coast Guard.
387
00:16:51,161 --> 00:16:53,327
And when you're here,
you're family.
388
00:17:07,293 --> 00:17:09,626
Anyway, U.S. Coast Guard.
You kids are...
389
00:17:12,665 --> 00:17:14,610
What are we gonna do?
We're way outgunned.
390
00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:16,100
Are any of you familiar
391
00:17:16,168 --> 00:17:19,036
with what's referred to
as a "Leeroy Jenkins"?
392
00:17:19,105 --> 00:17:20,449
Well, I don't know what that is,
393
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:22,573
but let's make a very long,
elaborate plan.
394
00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:23,986
All right, so I'll run in first
395
00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:25,610
and use an intimidating shout.
396
00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:26,878
When my shout's done,
397
00:17:26,946 --> 00:17:29,124
I'll need Joe to come in
and use his shout, too.
398
00:17:29,148 --> 00:17:30,192
What do you think, Joe?
399
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:31,694
Can you give me a number
crunch real quick?
400
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:33,328
Yeah, give me a sec.
I'm coming up with, uh,
401
00:17:33,352 --> 00:17:36,487
32.33, repeating, of course.
402
00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,233
Okay, that's a lot better
than we usually do.
403
00:17:38,257 --> 00:17:41,692
- So let's...
- Leeroy Jenkins!
404
00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:44,194
Oh, my God, he just ran in.
Let's go! Stick to the plan!
405
00:17:44,263 --> 00:17:45,663
Let's go, let's go!
406
00:17:47,099 --> 00:17:49,032
Aw, man.
Aw, we're dying.
407
00:17:49,101 --> 00:17:51,046
Damn it, Cleveland.
408
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,414
Where'd they get dragons?
409
00:17:52,438 --> 00:17:54,772
These guys have magic, guys.
410
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:56,240
I can't move.
411
00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:59,310
Oh, God!
412
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:00,889
You know, Cleveland,
you're an idiot.
413
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:04,181
This episode has
a lot of Internet things.
414
00:18:07,403 --> 00:18:09,403
Ah, crap, we're gonna die.
415
00:18:09,472 --> 00:18:10,804
Freeze!
416
00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:14,041
Quagmire, you came back!
417
00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:16,827
That's right. Because I'm in
the U.S. Coast Guard.
418
00:18:16,895 --> 00:18:18,815
- And when you're here...
- Oh, no, don't say it!
419
00:18:25,354 --> 00:18:27,505
Ah, I'm glad you
came back, buddy.
420
00:18:27,557 --> 00:18:29,256
You really saved the day.
421
00:18:29,325 --> 00:18:30,669
Hey, where'd you get
the machine gun?
422
00:18:30,693 --> 00:18:32,388
From the coastal patrol cutter.
423
00:18:32,412 --> 00:18:36,481
"Machine gun" is item 49
of the 160-point inspection.
424
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:39,667
Oh, that was when I was
writing homosexual stuff
on the boat.
425
00:18:39,735 --> 00:18:42,135
- Too bad about the bomb.
- Bomb?
426
00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:44,137
Yep. Right here on the boat.
427
00:18:44,207 --> 00:18:47,040
Soon you will all do
the foamy dance of death.
428
00:18:47,109 --> 00:18:50,227
We are! And many
people will die.
429
00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:51,995
He just says that one thing.
430
00:18:57,587 --> 00:19:00,520
The bomb is hidden in the foam.
431
00:19:05,194 --> 00:19:07,795
-Where is it?
Have you found it?
-No.
432
00:19:07,864 --> 00:19:10,464
I was thinking next Thursday
for Epcot, but no bomb.
433
00:19:10,532 --> 00:19:13,067
You're wasting your time;
the bomb will activate
434
00:19:13,136 --> 00:19:15,002
the moment the floor
stops vibrating.
435
00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:17,537
Did you hear that?
Twerk!
436
00:19:17,606 --> 00:19:19,306
Twerk like you're Miley Cyrus
437
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:20,953
trying to prove something
to your dad!
438
00:19:29,134 --> 00:19:30,784
Found it!
439
00:19:34,306 --> 00:19:36,373
We're all gonna die!
440
00:19:36,442 --> 00:19:37,674
Oh, no, we're not.
441
00:19:37,743 --> 00:19:39,793
I stole a Jet Ski from a kid.
442
00:19:48,654 --> 00:19:50,421
Ha, ha!
443
00:19:52,975 --> 00:19:54,458
Oh, I forgot they do that.
444
00:19:57,796 --> 00:19:59,513
Hydraulic grapple-winch!
445
00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:01,899
- Oh, yeah!
- From earlier!
446
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:18,916
- We did it! It's over.
- 'Cause of you.
447
00:20:18,985 --> 00:20:20,918
Thanks for saving us, Quagmire.
448
00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:23,854
Ah, I was just doing my duty.
Just like you did.
449
00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:26,273
Good job, soldier.
450
00:20:26,342 --> 00:20:29,076
Anyway, what matters
is everyone's okay,
451
00:20:29,145 --> 00:20:30,611
thanks to the Coast Guard.
452
00:20:30,679 --> 00:20:32,046
Because when you're here...
453
00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:36,784
I'm not going back
to that restaurant.
454
00:20:44,259 --> 00:20:46,593
I'm so happy you're back home
where you belong, Peter.
455
00:20:46,662 --> 00:20:48,729
It's just not the same here
without you.
456
00:20:48,798 --> 00:20:51,832
Thanks, Lois. And I thought
about you not at all.
457
00:20:51,901 --> 00:20:54,568
Well, I'm so proud
of my Coast Guard husband.
458
00:20:54,636 --> 00:20:57,404
And I'm proud
of my Coast Guard dad.
459
00:20:57,472 --> 00:21:00,607
And I'm bisexual, like all
members of the Coast Guard.
460
00:21:00,676 --> 00:21:03,844
Good night, Coast Guard.
Hope you enjoyed the episode.
34592
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