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1
00:00:04,447 --> 00:00:07,166
# Stick a pony in me pocket
2
00:00:08,007 --> 00:00:10,840
# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
3
00:00:11,847 --> 00:00:15,681
# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns
but you don't ask questions
4
00:00:15,847 --> 00:00:18,725
# Then, brother, I'm your man
5
00:00:19,607 --> 00:00:22,838
# 'Cause where it all comes from
is a mystery
6
00:00:23,007 --> 00:00:26,841
# It's like the changing of the seasons
and the tides of the sea
7
00:00:27,007 --> 00:00:30,443
# But here's the one
what's driving me berserk:
8
00:00:30,887 --> 00:00:34,084
# Why do only fools and horses work? #
9
00:00:50,167 --> 00:00:54,399
Del... got a minute
to run a leather over my Mini?
10
00:00:57,567 --> 00:01:00,764
Marlene, I'm not a car cleaner.
11
00:01:00,927 --> 00:01:05,318
I merely agreed to do some driving for Boycie.
12
00:01:05,487 --> 00:01:10,402
Sorry, darling, I forgot.
Just doing it to earn some money?
13
00:01:11,087 --> 00:01:13,999
No, no. This is a hobby of mine.
14
00:01:14,167 --> 00:01:19,639
I love driving you and Boycie
to weddings, waiting till midnight.
15
00:01:19,807 --> 00:01:24,039
Yes, Marlene, I'm doing it to earn a few quid.
16
00:01:24,207 --> 00:01:28,564
I've got a few problems on the financial front.
17
00:01:28,727 --> 00:01:32,117
Being bankrupt doesn't help, does it?
18
00:01:33,687 --> 00:01:36,679
I never thought of that!
19
00:01:36,847 --> 00:01:38,200
Marlene,
20
00:01:38,367 --> 00:01:42,360
finish your make-up. You should
be ready for the second coat.
21
00:01:42,527 --> 00:01:47,521
Keep your noise down, Boycie,
or people will think we're vulgar!
22
00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:52,556
- Del, coffee?
- Cheers, Boyce.
23
00:01:52,727 --> 00:01:56,845
No, I mean go and make me a cup!
24
00:01:58,127 --> 00:02:01,358
Boyce, you know this car's a GTi?
25
00:02:01,527 --> 00:02:03,916
If you rearrange the letters,
26
00:02:04,087 --> 00:02:07,602
you've got a personalised number plate!
27
00:02:07,767 --> 00:02:10,361
Two sugars in mine.
28
00:02:18,567 --> 00:02:21,479
- Good afternoon!
- Afternoon.
29
00:02:21,647 --> 00:02:24,366
Have Mr and Mrs Boyce moved?
30
00:02:25,647 --> 00:02:28,559
Er, no. They're in prison.
31
00:02:28,727 --> 00:02:32,436
- What?
- I'm searching the house.
32
00:02:32,607 --> 00:02:35,440
- I'm from the Drug Squad.
- My word!
33
00:02:37,487 --> 00:02:41,639
They will be on parole soon, so watch your step!
34
00:02:41,807 --> 00:02:43,559
Thank you, Officer.
35
00:02:44,807 --> 00:02:47,196
Not at all, Ma'am.
36
00:02:48,527 --> 00:02:51,121
"Two sugars"!
37
00:02:52,887 --> 00:02:58,280
I shouldn't go in my condition.
I can't smell my own aftershave.
38
00:02:58,447 --> 00:03:01,359
But I can't smell Del's either, so that's a plus!
39
00:03:01,527 --> 00:03:04,166
Keep your mouth shut at this wedding.
40
00:03:04,327 --> 00:03:06,761
Don't be sarcastic to my family.
41
00:03:06,927 --> 00:03:09,999
That'll limit the conversation!
42
00:03:10,167 --> 00:03:13,398
They make Grant Mitchell look intelligent!
43
00:03:13,567 --> 00:03:20,040
I'm fed up having to defend you.
OK, you're ugly, but successful.
44
00:03:20,847 --> 00:03:26,160
It's taken years to convince
my mum you're not a vampire!
45
00:03:28,687 --> 00:03:31,724
Looking forward to the wedding?
46
00:03:32,527 --> 00:03:35,200
You look lovely, darling!
47
00:03:40,207 --> 00:03:44,519
Did I tell you about my new business deal?
48
00:03:44,687 --> 00:03:47,804
Yes, two or three dozen times!
49
00:03:47,967 --> 00:03:53,121
In a few weeks, Boycie will fly
to Paris to sign the contract!
50
00:03:53,287 --> 00:03:59,840
- He'll be a multimillionaire!
- I'll wet meself in a minute.
51
00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:03,966
Should we buy a new house
or have this renovated?
52
00:04:04,127 --> 00:04:07,039
Marlene, have some sensitivity.
53
00:04:07,207 --> 00:04:12,235
Don't talk about millions
and big houses in front of Del.
54
00:04:12,407 --> 00:04:17,879
It must have been awful for you
and Raquel having that money
55
00:04:18,047 --> 00:04:22,404
- and then losing it.
- Good comes out of bad, Boycie.
56
00:04:22,567 --> 00:04:28,119
Raquel says she now appreciates
the little things of life.
57
00:04:29,927 --> 00:04:34,318
Marlene knows all about that.
She had no choice!
58
00:04:38,247 --> 00:04:43,526
When the contract's signed, Del,
we'll get together for a chat
59
00:04:43,687 --> 00:04:46,804
about what you did
when you became a millionaire.
60
00:04:46,967 --> 00:04:51,245
Make sure I don't make the same mistakes!
61
00:04:55,407 --> 00:04:58,843
Marlene, where's my hair gel?
62
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:02,761
- Wherever you left it.
- Oh.
63
00:05:57,007 --> 00:05:59,646
- Uncle Rodders...
- Hmm?
64
00:05:59,807 --> 00:06:02,879
What was my dad like as a teenager?
65
00:06:03,047 --> 00:06:04,366
Horrible.
66
00:06:05,607 --> 00:06:08,121
Boo Yukka Shah!
67
00:06:11,807 --> 00:06:14,640
- Uncle Rodders...
- Hmm?
68
00:06:14,807 --> 00:06:18,402
- What'll I be like in my teens?
- Horrible.
69
00:06:19,287 --> 00:06:20,606
Yes!
70
00:06:21,407 --> 00:06:24,638
Mum, Rodders says
I'll be horrible when I grow up.
71
00:06:24,807 --> 00:06:29,278
- Did he?
- All teenagers are horrible.
72
00:06:29,447 --> 00:06:34,475
- The "Kevin and Perry" period.
- They are a bit annoying.
73
00:06:34,647 --> 00:06:39,675
But when you're 21, a man
becomes sensible and normal.
74
00:06:39,847 --> 00:06:46,161
Anyway, I squeezed this tube
of onion puree into his hair gel.
75
00:06:48,607 --> 00:06:54,045
So Boycie goes to the wedding
smelling like a Big Mac!
76
00:06:54,207 --> 00:06:57,244
That's the theory, anyway!
77
00:06:57,407 --> 00:07:00,080
What's happening? Anything on the go?
78
00:07:00,247 --> 00:07:04,081
- What's that?
- Nothing to worry about.
79
00:07:04,247 --> 00:07:10,402
I'm the managing director
of Trotters Independent Traders.
80
00:07:10,567 --> 00:07:13,161
Cool! He's better than "The Beano"!
81
00:07:14,927 --> 00:07:18,476
- Hang about.
- You were declared bankrupt.
82
00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:23,675
You're banned from running
any company or dealing in shares.
83
00:07:23,847 --> 00:07:28,204
You can't even ride past
the Stock Exchange on a bike!
84
00:07:28,367 --> 00:07:31,200
You owe the Inland Revenue P50,000!
85
00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:35,565
Who's out earning money, driving for Boycie,
86
00:07:35,727 --> 00:07:40,118
- while you sit on your IQ!
- I'm trying to eat!
87
00:07:40,287 --> 00:07:46,237
I'll take this conference call
into the boardroom. All right!
88
00:07:46,407 --> 00:07:49,080
Sorry, pal, what did you say?
89
00:07:49,247 --> 00:07:52,922
Just Rodney reminding me who's in charge.
90
00:07:53,087 --> 00:07:55,123
What?
91
00:07:56,647 --> 00:07:58,000
A-ha!
92
00:07:59,287 --> 00:08:03,280
Sorry to spoil your appetite,
but we can't hide from this.
93
00:08:03,447 --> 00:08:08,567
We need the money
or the Inland Revenue will sell this flat
94
00:08:08,727 --> 00:08:12,322
and we'll all be up... I don't know.
95
00:08:12,487 --> 00:08:15,843
- I've got responsibilities.
- I know.
96
00:08:16,007 --> 00:08:20,080
- Del will think of something.
- Should that encourage me?
97
00:08:20,247 --> 00:08:24,843
- Del got us in this mess!
- The judge blamed both of you!
98
00:08:25,007 --> 00:08:29,159
"Like two Neros playing
while your empire burnt."
99
00:08:29,327 --> 00:08:34,560
We may have been two Neros,
but only one was fiddling!
100
00:08:35,687 --> 00:08:38,440
Yeah, cushty, Monkey.
101
00:08:38,607 --> 00:08:41,963
All right, we'll see you, Monkey.
102
00:08:42,127 --> 00:08:45,199
Bonjour, Monkey. That was Monkey.
103
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:52,442
He's had a consignment
of log-effect fires from Slovakia.
104
00:08:52,607 --> 00:08:57,522
I don't want a load of Slovakian log-effect fires.
105
00:08:57,687 --> 00:09:01,521
- That's what I told him.
- Oh. Good.
106
00:09:01,687 --> 00:09:06,397
- How did you know that?
- We know what we both think.
107
00:09:06,567 --> 00:09:09,957
We've always been telescopic.
108
00:09:10,127 --> 00:09:13,802
These gas fires, they're selling
like hot cakes.
109
00:09:13,967 --> 00:09:16,606
Paddy the Greek bought 150.
110
00:09:16,767 --> 00:09:21,158
He sold 'em to a builder for 50 quid a pop.
111
00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:25,400
- P50 apiece?
- Yep. And Lenny the gas fitter.
112
00:09:25,567 --> 00:09:29,196
He's putting one in each room
of a big house he's doing.
113
00:09:29,367 --> 00:09:34,282
I thought, "Easy money."
Then I thought, "There's business,
114
00:09:34,447 --> 00:09:38,406
"and then there's what Rodney's doing."
115
00:09:38,567 --> 00:09:42,799
- We're into party planning!
- Yes.
116
00:09:42,967 --> 00:09:46,642
- It's big.
- Yes, up in Sloane Square
117
00:09:46,807 --> 00:09:50,686
where they like a roasted pepper
and couscous!
118
00:09:50,847 --> 00:09:55,125
In Peckham they like a kebab and a tattoo!
119
00:09:55,287 --> 00:09:59,439
They are very fond of log-effect gas fires.
120
00:09:59,607 --> 00:10:03,077
Well, I am interested in them now.
121
00:10:03,247 --> 00:10:06,523
Good. I told him we'd have 20.
122
00:10:09,127 --> 00:10:12,324
Oi! Oi, oi, will you stop that?
123
00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:15,160
That is your uncle's urn!
124
00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:23,196
- What are you doing up?
- It's a daytime tradition!
125
00:10:23,367 --> 00:10:27,804
Yes, but you're pregnant.
You must rest. Where were you going?
126
00:10:27,967 --> 00:10:30,481
- To get some juice.
- I'll get it.
127
00:10:30,647 --> 00:10:32,922
- I can get the juice.
- I'll get the juice.
128
00:10:33,087 --> 00:10:37,922
- I'm good at getting juice.
- For God's sake, I'll get it!
129
00:10:38,087 --> 00:10:40,442
Damien, get the juice.
130
00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:46,284
You've got to calm down, Rodney.
You'll be a nervous wreck.
131
00:10:46,447 --> 00:10:51,396
You've got to be strong,
physically and mentally.
132
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:54,764
I remember the night Damien was born.
133
00:10:56,127 --> 00:10:59,164
It was a wonderful moment.
134
00:10:59,327 --> 00:11:03,605
But it was very traumatic and very stressful.
135
00:11:05,127 --> 00:11:09,518
It wasn't a walk in the park for Raquel, either!
136
00:11:09,687 --> 00:11:13,680
No, it wasn't. I'll get some more tea.
137
00:11:13,847 --> 00:11:19,080
I'm getting some cereal.
Me, not you, not anyone else. Just me.
138
00:11:19,247 --> 00:11:21,841
OK. Just be careful.
139
00:11:22,007 --> 00:11:23,998
Oh, my God!
140
00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:27,637
Rodney, sit down. Behaving like a moby.
141
00:11:27,807 --> 00:11:33,040
I've waited a long time for this baby.
It mustn't go wrong.
142
00:11:33,207 --> 00:11:35,243
Fair enough.
143
00:11:35,407 --> 00:11:39,241
There's one thing I don't understand.
144
00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:44,356
A year ago, you and Cassandra
were really trying for a baby.
145
00:11:44,527 --> 00:11:47,439
You was at it like a pair of goats.
146
00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:52,840
You became so pale you had
to have your passport photo redone.
147
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:57,683
Stop discussing my private life
in front of Damien!
148
00:11:57,847 --> 00:12:00,077
Yes, OK. Sorry.
149
00:12:00,247 --> 00:12:04,525
Anyway, when nothing happened,
she sent you to Harley Street
150
00:12:04,687 --> 00:12:09,317
- to have your whatsit tested.
- I know!
151
00:12:09,487 --> 00:12:14,197
I couldn't get the milk
in the fridge for specimens!
152
00:12:17,527 --> 00:12:22,999
You said if it wasn't for the magazines,
you'd pack it in!
153
00:12:25,567 --> 00:12:31,085
We weren't successful at first.
They thought I had a low count.
154
00:12:31,247 --> 00:12:36,605
You were to and fro for ages.
Shame they didn't do air miles!
155
00:12:36,767 --> 00:12:40,919
Low count? Who was
on the calculator - Trigger?
156
00:12:41,087 --> 00:12:42,725
I don't believe you!
157
00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:46,675
Then you change your mind
about having a chavvy
158
00:12:46,847 --> 00:12:49,520
and go late-night shopping
at family planning.
159
00:12:49,687 --> 00:12:54,158
We discussed it. Our initial
reaction was, naturally,
160
00:12:54,327 --> 00:12:58,320
to wait until the financial
climate was more conducive.
161
00:12:58,487 --> 00:13:02,002
Then we had a change of heart.
162
00:13:02,167 --> 00:13:07,161
I understand that. But you'll
have the bailiffs as godparents!
163
00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:13,884
This baby is a token
of our belief in our marriage,
164
00:13:14,047 --> 00:13:18,120
in Trotters Independent Traders
and in the future of Britain.
165
00:13:18,287 --> 00:13:24,123
But most important, as a token
of our belief in this family.
166
00:13:24,287 --> 00:13:26,005
Rodney...
167
00:13:27,767 --> 00:13:31,521
...if your mother could hear you
she'd be so proud.
168
00:13:31,687 --> 00:13:34,918
- It's how we feel.
- Good boy!
169
00:13:36,767 --> 00:13:40,362
- I know how you get babies.
- I bet you do!
170
00:13:40,527 --> 00:13:43,405
It must have been horrible!
171
00:13:44,087 --> 00:13:46,555
He's a lad, isn't he?
172
00:13:46,727 --> 00:13:50,606
- I'll kick his teeth in!
- Thank you.
173
00:13:54,047 --> 00:13:59,201
He does my head in. I bet
he nicked your contraceptive pills.
174
00:13:59,367 --> 00:14:05,715
- Don't be so silly!
- No, I searched this flat!
175
00:14:05,887 --> 00:14:08,526
No, it was him, rat boy!
176
00:14:09,127 --> 00:14:12,756
- He's only young.
- He seems to know everything.
177
00:14:12,927 --> 00:14:16,966
He's a cross between
Harry Potter and Swampy.
178
00:14:17,127 --> 00:14:22,281
Rodders, we've got business to sort out.
Go and start the van.
179
00:14:22,447 --> 00:14:25,996
He ain't used to me being in charge yet!
180
00:14:26,167 --> 00:14:28,237
- See you later.
- Bye.
181
00:14:28,407 --> 00:14:29,965
Bye!
182
00:14:30,887 --> 00:14:32,764
"Final reminder".
183
00:14:32,927 --> 00:14:34,883
"Final reminder".
184
00:14:35,047 --> 00:14:36,958
"Final reminder".
185
00:14:37,127 --> 00:14:40,836
"This is not a circular".
No, it's a final reminder.
186
00:14:41,007 --> 00:14:43,601
This letter's addressed to Albert Trotter.
187
00:14:43,767 --> 00:14:47,396
The Royal Naval Association. They haven't heard.
188
00:14:47,567 --> 00:14:51,242
- Should we open it?
- No, leave it to Del.
189
00:14:51,407 --> 00:14:55,878
I'm off, sweetheart. See you later, Cassandra.
190
00:14:56,047 --> 00:14:59,562
A letter's arrived from
the Seamen's Association.
191
00:14:59,727 --> 00:15:02,321
Oh, that'll be for Rodney.
192
00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:20,803
Tea, please, Carol. All right, Boycie?
193
00:15:20,967 --> 00:15:22,685
Denzil.
194
00:15:25,047 --> 00:15:27,003
What's happening?
195
00:15:27,167 --> 00:15:29,965
One of nature's great phenomenons.
196
00:15:30,127 --> 00:15:34,166
One that, sadly,
David Attenborough has ignored.
197
00:15:34,327 --> 00:15:38,639
It's called "The Trotters
try to park a three-wheel van".
198
00:15:38,807 --> 00:15:43,244
No, hard on your left! Right, that's it.
199
00:15:43,407 --> 00:15:45,921
- Hard on your left!
- My left?
200
00:15:46,087 --> 00:15:48,078
Right hand down!
201
00:15:48,247 --> 00:15:52,525
- Hard on your left, Dave!
- Will you shut up!
202
00:15:52,687 --> 00:15:54,040
Eh?
203
00:15:54,207 --> 00:15:56,437
It's the wrong angle!
204
00:15:56,607 --> 00:15:59,075
How's business?
205
00:15:59,247 --> 00:16:01,397
What business?
206
00:16:02,447 --> 00:16:06,759
I just got myself a new truck
and haven't had any work since.
207
00:16:06,927 --> 00:16:12,081
- It's all bad news these days.
- You could be wrong.
208
00:16:13,287 --> 00:16:15,847
I'm in the motor trade, right?
209
00:16:16,007 --> 00:16:18,726
Recently, a fellow mason from my lodge
210
00:16:18,887 --> 00:16:24,405
mentioned my firm to a player
whose name I cannot divulge.
211
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:29,721
He's a Lebanese gentleman
who's made his mark in Europe.
212
00:16:33,007 --> 00:16:36,079
I'll pull out and straighten up.
213
00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:43,757
They reverse vasectomies
quicker than this!
214
00:16:43,927 --> 00:16:47,602
- Shut up, will ya?
- Hard on your left, Dave!
215
00:16:50,327 --> 00:16:53,285
So, what's his business?
216
00:16:53,447 --> 00:16:56,564
He's in the commercial sector.
217
00:16:56,727 --> 00:17:00,481
Negotiations are at a very sensitive stage.
218
00:17:00,647 --> 00:17:04,799
But in a few weeks, Boyce Autos
could own the UK franchise
219
00:17:04,967 --> 00:17:07,322
for most of them cheap cars in Europe.
220
00:17:07,487 --> 00:17:10,763
Great! So where do I fit in?
221
00:17:10,927 --> 00:17:13,600
You? You don't.
222
00:17:16,887 --> 00:17:19,276
So why are you telling me, then?
223
00:17:19,447 --> 00:17:22,598
You said it was all bad news, but it isn't.
224
00:17:22,767 --> 00:17:26,840
Next month, I could be a millionaire.
225
00:17:27,007 --> 00:17:29,965
I don't soddin' believe you, Boycie!
226
00:17:30,127 --> 00:17:32,721
I'm trying to cheer you up.
227
00:17:33,967 --> 00:17:36,561
Can you smell onions?
228
00:17:41,247 --> 00:17:44,159
If you can't do it, I'll do it myself!
229
00:17:44,327 --> 00:17:49,959
- Oi! Who's running this firm?
- It's got you puzzled as well?
230
00:18:01,127 --> 00:18:02,799
At last!
231
00:18:06,167 --> 00:18:09,716
- You can't park there, Dave.
- Eh?
232
00:18:09,887 --> 00:18:12,640
Too close to a council installation.
233
00:18:14,607 --> 00:18:19,123
It's my duty as an environmental hygienist
to uphold the law.
234
00:18:19,287 --> 00:18:22,404
- What's in that thing?
- Freezing salt.
235
00:18:22,567 --> 00:18:27,687
People like me have to spread it
on the roads in icy conditions.
236
00:18:28,447 --> 00:18:30,597
What icy conditions?!
237
00:18:30,767 --> 00:18:34,680
I attend lectures on modern climactic change.
238
00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:39,045
What with global warming and Al Pacino...
239
00:18:39,207 --> 00:18:41,880
El Nino, Trig.
240
00:18:42,847 --> 00:18:46,317
You don't know what's gonna happen.
241
00:18:47,047 --> 00:18:49,925
We're getting a bite to eat.
242
00:18:50,087 --> 00:18:53,716
If I buy you two pints and a cheese roll
243
00:18:53,887 --> 00:18:56,765
will you turn a blind eye?
244
00:18:56,927 --> 00:18:59,600
- Are you bribing me?
- Yes.
245
00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:04,077
- All right, then.
- Good. Come on, let's go.
246
00:19:05,087 --> 00:19:08,045
I'll tell 'em what I think of 'em.
247
00:19:08,207 --> 00:19:12,200
- What's up?
- Neighbours won't talk to us.
248
00:19:12,367 --> 00:19:16,645
They're looking down their noses
like we're criminals!
249
00:19:16,807 --> 00:19:20,880
They're jealous
about my European deal. Ignore 'em.
250
00:19:22,167 --> 00:19:25,477
- OK, what's so funny?
- Your advert!
251
00:19:25,647 --> 00:19:28,480
It's just stupid. Look, Rodney,
252
00:19:28,647 --> 00:19:32,959
- I used to run my own firm.
- You got probation for that.
253
00:19:33,127 --> 00:19:37,484
It didn't go as I'd planned,
true, but the point is,
254
00:19:37,647 --> 00:19:42,004
- nobody reads the small ads.
- That's where you're wrong.
255
00:19:42,167 --> 00:19:47,400
Two months ago, Boycie
put an ad in for his car firm.
256
00:19:47,567 --> 00:19:52,038
It read, "Urgently required, security guard."
257
00:19:52,207 --> 00:19:56,166
That night, his showroom was burgled.
258
00:19:58,807 --> 00:20:02,004
Someone reads the small ads!
259
00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:06,160
- He's right!
- I've got business to see to.
260
00:20:06,327 --> 00:20:10,843
You've got to cash
that giro cheque, haven't you?
261
00:20:12,527 --> 00:20:16,122
Hello, Cassandra. How's my godchild?
262
00:20:16,287 --> 00:20:19,438
I don't know, Mickey, but MY baby's fine.
263
00:20:21,127 --> 00:20:23,800
- Here's the mum-to-be.
- Hello!
264
00:20:23,967 --> 00:20:27,084
What are you doing walking about?
265
00:20:27,247 --> 00:20:33,038
We got fed up so I'm getting
some exercise. Doctor's orders.
266
00:20:33,207 --> 00:20:36,802
Doctors say to carry on as normal.
267
00:20:36,967 --> 00:20:40,562
You're not having a natural birth, are you?
268
00:20:40,727 --> 00:20:44,003
- We discussed a birthing pool.
- With the damp in your flat,
269
00:20:44,167 --> 00:20:47,045
I wouldn't bother!
270
00:20:50,007 --> 00:20:55,001
Shame you don't have
any fire grates in your place.
271
00:20:55,167 --> 00:21:00,002
Lenny Corby's fitting eight
log-effect fires in our house.
272
00:21:00,167 --> 00:21:04,638
I'll invite you and the family
for the switching-on ceremony.
273
00:21:04,807 --> 00:21:09,881
- Something to look forward to.
- I'm having an adrenaline rush!
274
00:21:11,167 --> 00:21:15,319
When the baby's born, don't worry if it's ugly.
275
00:21:15,487 --> 00:21:19,480
- They're all ugly at birth.
- Some more ugly than others.
276
00:21:19,647 --> 00:21:24,846
When Boycie was born,
the midwife slapped his mother!
277
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:32,360
On that note, I'll bid you all goodbye.
278
00:21:32,527 --> 00:21:36,566
Marlene, you can drive me to the showroom.
279
00:21:36,727 --> 00:21:39,719
- See you, Cassandra, Raquel.
- Bye!
280
00:21:39,887 --> 00:21:43,197
Del, I brought that letter addressed to Albert.
281
00:21:43,367 --> 00:21:44,925
Albert?
282
00:21:45,087 --> 00:21:48,318
I hope you don't have my experience.
283
00:21:48,487 --> 00:21:52,526
From the moment the baby arrived,
my wife gave me hell.
284
00:21:52,687 --> 00:21:55,520
Women get post-natal depression.
285
00:21:55,687 --> 00:21:57,882
But we'd adopted!
286
00:21:59,767 --> 00:22:04,682
Take no notice. Sid's a cantankerous,
miserable old sod.
287
00:22:04,847 --> 00:22:07,202
His wife was hot-blooded. Spanish.
288
00:22:07,367 --> 00:22:12,122
He only taught her English
so he could stop speaking to her!
289
00:22:12,287 --> 00:22:14,437
Rodders, listen to this.
290
00:22:14,607 --> 00:22:19,362
A naval friend of Albert
is organising a reunion
291
00:22:19,527 --> 00:22:24,203
for the crew of the fleet
that went to Denmark in 1944.
292
00:22:24,367 --> 00:22:27,643
- Did Albert go to Denmark?
- No, the fleet never made it.
293
00:22:27,807 --> 00:22:32,198
I remember him saying. The ships
were named after sea creatures.
294
00:22:32,367 --> 00:22:36,406
HMS Shark, HMS Barracuda...
What was Albert's ship?
295
00:22:36,567 --> 00:22:38,956
HMS Cod.
296
00:22:40,567 --> 00:22:46,676
Yeah. He said they got into trouble
but it wasn't his fault.
297
00:22:46,847 --> 00:22:51,967
- That would have been a first!
- It's in a village in Normandy.
298
00:22:52,127 --> 00:22:55,517
Write and say Albert isn't with us any more.
299
00:22:55,687 --> 00:22:57,917
I suppose so.
300
00:22:58,087 --> 00:23:01,875
It's a shame Elsie Partridge
didn't live long enough to go.
301
00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:06,882
- She'd love representing him.
- Remember their story?
302
00:23:07,047 --> 00:23:09,561
They fell in love before the war.
303
00:23:09,727 --> 00:23:14,278
He had to go and fight and they
both married other people.
304
00:23:14,447 --> 00:23:20,044
Years later, they met again
and spent their last years together.
305
00:23:22,327 --> 00:23:25,319
What's up with that scatty cow?
306
00:23:27,007 --> 00:23:31,637
Her hormones do somersaults
'cause she's pregnant.
307
00:23:31,807 --> 00:23:34,480
Oh. You're all right, ain't you?
308
00:23:34,647 --> 00:23:36,319
Yes!
309
00:23:36,487 --> 00:23:40,526
It's like "Captain Corelli's Mandolin".
310
00:23:44,527 --> 00:23:47,200
What's Captain Pirelli's mandarin?
311
00:23:47,367 --> 00:23:50,165
"Captain Corelli's Mandolin".
312
00:23:50,327 --> 00:23:54,081
A film about two lovers
who meet again after the war.
313
00:23:54,247 --> 00:23:56,681
A woman's thing.
314
00:23:57,887 --> 00:24:00,037
I've had a thought.
315
00:24:00,207 --> 00:24:05,361
If Elsie can't represent Albert,
Rodney and I ought to go.
316
00:24:05,527 --> 00:24:09,884
That's a brilliant suggestion.
Albert would love that idea.
317
00:24:10,047 --> 00:24:15,804
He's not the only one. You two
are going on a booze cruise!
318
00:24:16,527 --> 00:24:21,282
- That hurts, Raquel.
- That's a cruel thing to say.
319
00:24:21,447 --> 00:24:27,556
This is a family thing. We just
want Albert to be remembered.
320
00:24:27,727 --> 00:24:30,844
It's like... It's our duty.
321
00:24:31,007 --> 00:24:35,717
- Sorry, I was only joking!
- I know you didn't mean it.
322
00:24:35,887 --> 00:24:40,483
Raquel, Cassandra, look, a picture of my wife.
323
00:24:40,647 --> 00:24:43,115
Come and have a look.
324
00:24:43,287 --> 00:24:47,997
We could take Albert's ashes
and scatter them at sea.
325
00:24:48,167 --> 00:24:51,239
That's a very good idea, Rodney.
326
00:24:51,407 --> 00:24:54,240
He would really like that.
327
00:24:54,407 --> 00:24:57,638
We'll have to do it
as we come out of the harbour,
328
00:24:57,807 --> 00:25:02,562
because we'll be too pissed to do it later.
329
00:25:05,287 --> 00:25:10,839
You drive Raquel and Cassandra home.
I'll pick up the bill.
330
00:25:11,007 --> 00:25:12,565
- Sure?
- Yeah.
331
00:25:12,727 --> 00:25:15,719
Sid, what are all these little holes?
332
00:25:15,887 --> 00:25:17,605
Darts.
333
00:25:18,967 --> 00:25:22,243
It's a long story. We met in 1950...
334
00:25:22,407 --> 00:25:25,843
- Want a lift home?
- Yes, please!
335
00:25:26,007 --> 00:25:28,282
- Bye!
- See you.
336
00:25:28,447 --> 00:25:31,166
Sid, take it out of that.
337
00:25:31,327 --> 00:25:34,478
- Have you still got your lorry?
- Yeah. Why?
338
00:25:34,647 --> 00:25:37,525
Me and Rodney may go to France.
339
00:25:37,687 --> 00:25:41,726
- Do you want some rolls?
- Thanks. No, not now!
340
00:25:41,887 --> 00:25:46,802
Next month. Got an idea in me head.
341
00:25:46,967 --> 00:25:50,437
- No.
- No? You haven't heard it yet.
342
00:25:50,607 --> 00:25:54,885
Good. The police can't drag it
out of me under interrogation.
343
00:25:55,047 --> 00:25:57,515
What are you on about?
344
00:25:57,687 --> 00:26:01,839
When you have an idea, someone
in a uniform asks me questions!
345
00:26:02,007 --> 00:26:05,682
Can I help it if I am misunderstood?
346
00:26:05,847 --> 00:26:11,479
Oh, I understand. You can get
booze very cheaply in France.
347
00:26:11,647 --> 00:26:14,719
I've got a lorry, Sid's got a pub.
348
00:26:14,887 --> 00:26:17,879
So what are you saying?
349
00:26:19,127 --> 00:26:23,803
I'm saying Del buys P1,000-worth
of half-price alcohol,
350
00:26:23,967 --> 00:26:27,482
we drive it back, Sid gets a load of cheap booze,
351
00:26:27,647 --> 00:26:29,683
and we share the profits.
352
00:26:29,847 --> 00:26:34,796
No, I was thinking of bringing
you some French cheese.
353
00:26:34,967 --> 00:26:37,879
But now you've suggested that...
354
00:26:38,047 --> 00:26:41,676
- That's a brilliant idea!
- First class.
355
00:26:41,847 --> 00:26:46,284
A few trips and we'd earn some decent money.
356
00:26:46,447 --> 00:26:50,406
- I'm not doing it.
- It was your idea!
357
00:26:50,567 --> 00:26:52,842
No, it wasn't!
358
00:26:53,007 --> 00:26:56,124
Well, it was in a way. I mean...
359
00:26:56,287 --> 00:27:00,917
That's not what I meant. I was
trying to... I didn't mean...
360
00:27:01,087 --> 00:27:04,397
The thing is, I was just trying to...
361
00:27:05,367 --> 00:27:10,202
- Is this anywhere near legal?
- Of course! Don't tell Rodney.
362
00:27:37,807 --> 00:27:41,846
Here, Rodney. You do the honours.
363
00:27:42,007 --> 00:27:46,285
- He would have liked it.
- Yes.
364
00:27:46,447 --> 00:27:49,598
Do it ceremoniously.
365
00:27:49,767 --> 00:27:54,045
Not like you're emptying a hoover bag.
366
00:28:11,527 --> 00:28:14,564
See you again sometime, Unc.
367
00:28:14,727 --> 00:28:17,639
Good luck, old 'un.
368
00:28:17,807 --> 00:28:20,367
(RATTLING)
369
00:28:20,527 --> 00:28:24,679
- Did you hear that?
- Hope it's not his dentures!
370
00:28:28,807 --> 00:28:31,799
- I don't believe it.
- What?
371
00:28:33,847 --> 00:28:39,001
- Cassandra's contraceptives!
- Cassandra's pills?
372
00:28:39,167 --> 00:28:43,718
- Who put 'em in there?
- Who do you think? Damien!
373
00:28:47,247 --> 00:28:49,477
He's a boy, isn't he?
374
00:28:49,647 --> 00:28:53,037
You don't need 'em. She's up the duff!
375
00:28:53,207 --> 00:28:56,643
But if he hadn't put... You know.
376
00:29:01,407 --> 00:29:04,797
- He's a little sod, isn't he?
- Yeah.
377
00:29:04,967 --> 00:29:08,357
I dunno where he gets it from.
378
00:29:08,527 --> 00:29:14,238
- Must take after Raquel, eh?
- Yeah! More than likely!
379
00:29:14,407 --> 00:29:16,523
Come on.
380
00:29:28,367 --> 00:29:32,485
(DEL) Right, we travel up
this road another three miles.
381
00:29:32,647 --> 00:29:35,400
Then look for a sign saying,
382
00:29:35,567 --> 00:29:39,606
"Sainte Claire La Chapelle". Right?
383
00:29:41,127 --> 00:29:44,119
(VAN BACKFIRES)
384
00:29:47,447 --> 00:29:51,235
- Where'd you get that?!
- What, this?
385
00:29:51,407 --> 00:29:56,117
Well, I'm gonna blend in
with the locals, Rodney.
386
00:29:56,287 --> 00:30:00,041
I've always been a bit of a Francophile.
387
00:30:00,207 --> 00:30:05,201
- More like a Franco Spencer!
- Just keep driving, will ya?
388
00:30:06,207 --> 00:30:09,995
Anyway, where is my book? Ah!
389
00:30:11,007 --> 00:30:13,567
Bone up on the old French.
390
00:30:13,727 --> 00:30:16,321
Amazing how quick you forget it.
391
00:30:16,487 --> 00:30:18,603
- I noticed (!)
- Hmm?
392
00:30:18,767 --> 00:30:22,043
I've forgotten the French I learned at school.
393
00:30:22,207 --> 00:30:26,519
Don't you worry. I'll be with you.
394
00:30:26,687 --> 00:30:30,282
(REGULAR BACKFIRING)
395
00:30:32,647 --> 00:30:36,435
It is a difficult language, you know.
396
00:30:36,607 --> 00:30:41,078
One of my most favouritest meals
is duck a I'orange.
397
00:30:41,247 --> 00:30:45,559
- I can't say that in French.
- It's "canard".
398
00:30:46,527 --> 00:30:49,803
You can say that again, bruv!
399
00:30:51,127 --> 00:30:54,483
The French word for duck is "canard".
400
00:30:54,647 --> 00:30:59,596
Is it? I thought that was
something to do with the QE2!
401
00:30:59,767 --> 00:31:03,237
No, that's Cunard. They make the boats.
402
00:31:03,407 --> 00:31:05,967
The French for duck is "canard".
403
00:31:06,127 --> 00:31:11,804
Lovely jubbly. So how do
the French say "a I'orange"?
404
00:31:14,167 --> 00:31:18,046
- A I'orange!
- The same as we do?
405
00:31:18,207 --> 00:31:19,640
Yes!
406
00:31:19,807 --> 00:31:25,757
Oh, dear! It's a pity they don't
use more of our words, innit?
407
00:31:26,487 --> 00:31:31,117
- Yeah. Stupid, aren't they?
- Yeah.
408
00:31:32,167 --> 00:31:34,601
(DEL) I can't wait to get there, Rodders.
409
00:31:34,767 --> 00:31:37,679
I bet they'll throw a mardigras.
410
00:31:37,847 --> 00:31:41,078
The French don't scrimp on celebrations.
411
00:31:41,247 --> 00:31:45,445
(RODNEY) I imagine it'll be
a quiet backwater somewhere.
412
00:31:45,607 --> 00:31:47,359
(INAUDIBLE)
413
00:31:47,527 --> 00:31:52,282
(RODNEY) I bet they don't
even know the war's over!
414
00:31:52,447 --> 00:31:55,644
(VAN BACKFIRES)
415
00:32:13,407 --> 00:32:16,683
A-ha! Au revoir!
416
00:32:16,847 --> 00:32:18,917
Au revoir, au revoir!
417
00:32:19,087 --> 00:32:23,126
Derique und Rodney Trottaire.
418
00:32:23,287 --> 00:32:26,916
Bonjour, Monsieur. Bonjour.
419
00:32:28,247 --> 00:32:31,478
Excuse me. Did you say "Trotter"?
420
00:32:31,647 --> 00:32:34,480
We're Albert Trotter's great-nephews.
421
00:32:34,647 --> 00:32:38,242
Very pleased to meet you. George Parker.
422
00:32:38,407 --> 00:32:41,160
I sailed with your uncle during the war.
423
00:32:41,327 --> 00:32:45,286
- Is Albert not coming?
- No, I'm afraid not.
424
00:32:45,447 --> 00:32:49,565
Unfortunately, he passed away
a few months ago.
425
00:32:49,727 --> 00:32:52,287
I'm very sorry to hear that.
426
00:32:53,287 --> 00:32:55,118
Yeah, so are we.
427
00:32:57,327 --> 00:33:00,080
Well, where's the crew?
428
00:33:00,247 --> 00:33:01,566
Crew?
429
00:33:01,727 --> 00:33:05,720
Oh, I'm the only one that's turned up.
430
00:33:05,887 --> 00:33:10,722
The others are either dead,
in homes or couldn't be bothered.
431
00:33:10,887 --> 00:33:16,644
I see. Well, we're here to represent Albert.
432
00:33:16,807 --> 00:33:20,197
- So let's get started!
- Mr Mayor.
433
00:33:20,367 --> 00:33:22,801
S'il vous plait.
434
00:33:26,767 --> 00:33:31,238
(THEY PLAY "THE MARSEILLAISE" BADLY)
435
00:33:37,727 --> 00:33:40,719
You're wearing Albert's medals!
436
00:33:40,887 --> 00:33:44,038
Yes, with pride.
437
00:33:44,207 --> 00:33:49,440
Rodney, show some decorum.
This is the American anthem.
438
00:34:00,447 --> 00:34:03,484
(DENZIL) We should have got a later ferry.
439
00:34:03,647 --> 00:34:08,641
But did I say that?
No, I listened to Del as I always do.
440
00:34:08,807 --> 00:34:10,604
(TRIGGER) Still,
441
00:34:10,767 --> 00:34:13,201
it gives us time to see France.
442
00:34:17,727 --> 00:34:20,366
We've got sodding hours to kill!
443
00:34:22,327 --> 00:34:25,125
Relax, Denzil, relax.
444
00:34:25,967 --> 00:34:28,925
Corinne was always saying that.
445
00:34:29,087 --> 00:34:31,760
"Relax, Denzil".
446
00:34:31,927 --> 00:34:34,441
And I would.
447
00:34:34,607 --> 00:34:38,566
- Then Del would phone...
- I liked Corinne.
448
00:34:39,807 --> 00:34:43,083
I used to hope that if I got married,
449
00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:47,126
- it'd be to a girl like her.
- Yeah, she was OK.
450
00:34:47,287 --> 00:34:49,960
Ever thought of getting married?
451
00:34:50,127 --> 00:34:54,279
No, I haven't met the right person yet.
452
00:34:54,447 --> 00:34:58,918
I've always had this image
of my perfect woman.
453
00:34:59,087 --> 00:35:02,796
- My dream girl.
- What's she like?
454
00:35:02,967 --> 00:35:06,277
Oh, nothing to look at. Very plain.
455
00:35:06,447 --> 00:35:10,804
Scar on her chin
where she had a wart removed.
456
00:35:14,727 --> 00:35:16,843
Jelly baby?
457
00:35:17,007 --> 00:35:18,759
Yeah.
458
00:35:24,127 --> 00:35:27,961
(THEY PLAY A MARCHING TUNE BADLY)
459
00:35:31,567 --> 00:35:33,956
Oh, that's Albert, all right!
460
00:35:34,127 --> 00:35:37,756
You two haven't a clue.
You've led lives of luxury.
461
00:35:37,927 --> 00:35:41,840
You don't know what it is
to suffer on the high seas.
462
00:35:42,007 --> 00:35:46,285
Actually, we do.
We've served our time at sea.
463
00:35:46,447 --> 00:35:50,645
- Where? In the Falklands?
- A cruise around Hawaii.
464
00:35:50,807 --> 00:35:55,323
- A cruise-liner is not a ship!
- Kept the water off our feet.
465
00:35:56,727 --> 00:36:01,847
On the Russian convoys, your
uncle and me had 100-foot waves!
466
00:36:02,007 --> 00:36:06,444
It got a bit choppy round Honolulu one night.
467
00:36:06,607 --> 00:36:10,316
- We had storm and tempest.
- You didn't see our cabaret!
468
00:36:10,487 --> 00:36:14,526
- We had hail and sleet.
- We had Hale and Pace!
469
00:36:18,687 --> 00:36:21,884
Sometimes I think about the future.
470
00:36:22,047 --> 00:36:26,598
I don't want to end up
a lonely bachelor like my cousin Ronnie.
471
00:36:26,767 --> 00:36:29,998
He had a strange taste in women.
472
00:36:30,167 --> 00:36:32,681
In what way?
473
00:36:32,847 --> 00:36:35,839
Well, they were men!
474
00:36:36,007 --> 00:36:38,362
I remember Ronnie.
475
00:36:38,527 --> 00:36:43,647
- Do you miss being married?
- Some things I miss.
476
00:36:44,327 --> 00:36:46,795
- I'd like to meet a nice woman.
- Me, too.
477
00:36:46,967 --> 00:36:50,323
- Take her for something to eat.
- Yeah.
478
00:36:50,487 --> 00:36:55,322
Get to know each other a bit.
Might like each other.
479
00:36:55,487 --> 00:36:58,240
Who knows, in time...
480
00:36:59,247 --> 00:37:03,718
...maybe she might do
a bit of ironing for me!
481
00:37:07,167 --> 00:37:10,204
There's something I want to know.
482
00:37:10,367 --> 00:37:13,677
How come you, the crew
of a British naval vessel,
483
00:37:13,847 --> 00:37:17,726
- ended up 30 miles inland?
- That's a long story.
484
00:37:17,887 --> 00:37:22,756
- We gotta go.
- We were sailing in a flotilla.
485
00:37:22,927 --> 00:37:24,804
Oh, God!
486
00:37:24,967 --> 00:37:30,724
We were going to Denmark
to drop off supplies to the Marines.
487
00:37:30,887 --> 00:37:35,483
Our ship, HMS Cod, was at the rear of the fleet
488
00:37:35,647 --> 00:37:38,923
and Albert was at the wheel.
489
00:37:39,087 --> 00:37:44,286
We got a radio message to say
a German fleet was approaching.
490
00:37:44,447 --> 00:37:49,760
Soon, Jerry spotted us.
Albert, without waiting for orders,
491
00:37:49,927 --> 00:37:54,443
threw the ship to port.
Five minutes later, we crashed.
492
00:37:54,607 --> 00:37:57,201
- Into what?
- France!
493
00:37:59,847 --> 00:38:03,283
We hit some rocks off Normandy
and ran aground.
494
00:38:03,447 --> 00:38:06,405
We were sitting ducks.
495
00:38:06,567 --> 00:38:10,162
Jerry was on our tail,
so we legged it overland.
496
00:38:10,327 --> 00:38:13,876
We were going for two days and nights.
497
00:38:14,047 --> 00:38:18,404
We ended up here in this little village.
498
00:38:18,567 --> 00:38:22,321
The people, God bless them,
took us in and hid us.
499
00:38:22,487 --> 00:38:25,877
The Gestapo looked for us but never found us
500
00:38:26,047 --> 00:38:29,198
until that fateful day when we were betrayed.
501
00:38:29,367 --> 00:38:32,086
- You're kidding!
- No, no.
502
00:38:32,247 --> 00:38:38,686
I don't want to upset you,
but Albert was a bit of a lad then.
503
00:38:38,847 --> 00:38:42,601
He could sing, dance, play the piano.
504
00:38:42,767 --> 00:38:46,555
The women liked him and he liked the women.
505
00:38:46,727 --> 00:38:53,439
During our stay here... how shall
I put it? He kept himself busy.
506
00:38:53,607 --> 00:38:55,563
Oh, no.
507
00:38:55,727 --> 00:39:00,642
I don't believe him, the garrity old git!
508
00:39:00,807 --> 00:39:03,241
Tout de suite!
509
00:39:03,407 --> 00:39:07,480
It was every man for himself in those days.
510
00:39:07,647 --> 00:39:12,163
There was a war on. They were hard times...
511
00:39:27,887 --> 00:39:30,037
(SILENT)
512
00:39:55,047 --> 00:39:58,835
Most men were either away or locked up.
513
00:39:59,007 --> 00:40:03,239
But when they heard about Albert
they weren't best pleased,
514
00:40:03,407 --> 00:40:05,602
which was understandable.
515
00:40:05,767 --> 00:40:09,442
- Who grassed you up?
- The French Resistance.
516
00:40:09,607 --> 00:40:14,635
One day, the SS turned up
and rounded us all up.
517
00:40:14,807 --> 00:40:19,198
Albert, with one or two others, escaped
518
00:40:19,367 --> 00:40:22,359
and made it back to Blighty.
519
00:40:22,527 --> 00:40:27,396
Excuse me. Just going to the gents.
520
00:40:32,767 --> 00:40:35,964
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
521
00:40:36,127 --> 00:40:38,595
I think I am.
522
00:40:42,527 --> 00:40:45,599
There's another one, look!
523
00:40:47,967 --> 00:40:52,961
It's like a geriatric "Village of the Damned"!
524
00:40:54,967 --> 00:40:58,482
I don't know about
"Sainte Claire La Chapelle".
525
00:40:58,647 --> 00:41:02,879
They should have renamed it "Trottersville".
526
00:41:03,967 --> 00:41:06,606
(RODNEY) Think of the other
countries he visited
527
00:41:06,767 --> 00:41:09,918
and what he must have got up to!
America, India...
528
00:41:10,087 --> 00:41:13,124
(DEL) I bet he didn't leave Australia alone.
529
00:41:13,287 --> 00:41:16,962
Africa, Middle East... Remember
that woman he mentioned?
530
00:41:17,127 --> 00:41:20,199
He's been putting it about all over!
531
00:41:20,367 --> 00:41:24,679
Raquel was wrong. It wasn't like
"Captain Corelli's Mandolin".
532
00:41:24,847 --> 00:41:28,806
More like Captain Birds Eye's Banjo!
533
00:41:38,967 --> 00:41:42,084
Merci beaucoup. Au revoir!
534
00:41:43,167 --> 00:41:45,806
I really don't understand you.
535
00:41:45,967 --> 00:41:49,118
We can buy a bottle
of duty-free wine on the ferry.
536
00:41:49,287 --> 00:41:53,485
Yeah, but things in here
are a euro or two cheaper.
537
00:41:53,647 --> 00:41:58,243
- And we've got to save money.
- Suppose so.
538
00:42:01,327 --> 00:42:03,795
I don't believe it!
539
00:42:03,967 --> 00:42:06,845
- What's that?
- Look over there.
540
00:42:07,007 --> 00:42:09,965
- It's Denzil!
- You're having me on!
541
00:42:11,207 --> 00:42:13,482
Hello, Denzil!
542
00:42:13,647 --> 00:42:17,606
Hey! Del! Rod! Hi!
543
00:42:19,087 --> 00:42:22,682
- Fancy meeting you here!
- What are you doing here?
544
00:42:22,847 --> 00:42:26,237
I had a free day, and Christmas is coming,
545
00:42:26,407 --> 00:42:29,479
so I popped over for a couple of packs of beer.
546
00:42:29,647 --> 00:42:35,517
- What brings you here?
- We went to Albert's reunion.
547
00:42:35,687 --> 00:42:41,683
Rodney said why don't we get
a case or two of wine, didn't you?
548
00:42:42,647 --> 00:42:44,285
Yeah.
549
00:42:44,447 --> 00:42:46,677
Have you got your truck here?
550
00:42:46,847 --> 00:42:49,600
It's out the back. Why do you ask?
551
00:42:49,767 --> 00:42:54,397
I was thinking, we haven't
got much room in our van,
552
00:42:54,567 --> 00:42:58,845
and if Denzil's got space in his truck,
553
00:42:59,007 --> 00:43:03,046
we could take a couple of extra cases. Hmm?
554
00:43:03,207 --> 00:43:06,324
- Yeah, maybe.
- Del Boy!
555
00:43:06,487 --> 00:43:11,641
- Dave!
- Trigger! Would you believe it?
556
00:43:11,807 --> 00:43:14,924
Only if I'd been heavily sedated!
557
00:43:15,087 --> 00:43:18,682
Hello, Trig! What are you doing here?
558
00:43:18,847 --> 00:43:22,442
You said meet us here at four o'clock!
559
00:43:27,007 --> 00:43:30,795
I don't believe you sometimes, Trigger!
560
00:43:30,967 --> 00:43:35,518
- This is a set-up, isn't it?
- No, no, no, no, no!
561
00:43:35,687 --> 00:43:39,362
- It's just a surprise for you!
- Right.
562
00:43:39,527 --> 00:43:42,564
We're surrounded
by gallons of cheap booze,
563
00:43:42,727 --> 00:43:46,037
Denzil's truck's here
and the pub needs its cellar filled!
564
00:43:46,207 --> 00:43:47,845
Oi, oi, oi!
565
00:43:48,007 --> 00:43:50,646
Keep the noise down!
566
00:43:50,807 --> 00:43:53,367
OK, I admit it.
567
00:43:53,527 --> 00:43:56,599
It's my fault. I agreed to it.
568
00:43:56,767 --> 00:44:01,158
- Agreed to it with whom?
- With me!
569
00:44:01,327 --> 00:44:03,921
I'm running the firm now!
570
00:44:04,087 --> 00:44:08,638
Everyone's at it. We're just
a bit slow on the uptake.
571
00:44:08,807 --> 00:44:13,676
- I don't believe this!
- We need the money!
572
00:44:16,847 --> 00:44:21,363
- OK, but I wasn't looking.
- You was in the toilet.
573
00:44:21,527 --> 00:44:25,236
- You know it makes sense.
- I've paid, Del.
574
00:44:25,407 --> 00:44:30,720
- They're loading it out back.
- He's paid for it. Come on!
575
00:44:38,247 --> 00:44:40,317
Is this it?
576
00:44:40,487 --> 00:44:43,320
And that.
577
00:44:45,327 --> 00:44:48,319
Oh, my God!
578
00:44:48,487 --> 00:44:51,604
We'll help. We ain't got long.
579
00:44:51,767 --> 00:44:54,520
- We got plenty of time.
- Yeah.
580
00:44:54,687 --> 00:44:59,807
Wait, did any of us change
our watches to French time?
581
00:44:59,967 --> 00:45:01,446
- No.
- No.
582
00:45:01,607 --> 00:45:05,839
No! God, we've only got half
an hour before the ferry leaves!
583
00:45:06,007 --> 00:45:08,885
You dipstick, Rodney!
584
00:45:09,047 --> 00:45:12,278
Oi! Pierre! Get out of it.
585
00:45:24,007 --> 00:45:26,805
Mange-tout! Mange-tout!
586
00:45:37,727 --> 00:45:39,399
Voila!
587
00:45:42,087 --> 00:45:44,123
(RAQUEL) So how was Albert's reunion?
588
00:45:44,287 --> 00:45:47,882
Brilliant. Thousands of people there.
589
00:45:48,047 --> 00:45:51,881
Thousands. There was a fly-past
and everything.
590
00:45:52,047 --> 00:45:54,880
I tried phoning you, but couldn't get through.
591
00:45:55,047 --> 00:45:59,165
We had a letter. They've cut
the phone off. The bill's unpaid.
592
00:45:59,327 --> 00:46:01,841
I'll sort it out tomorrow.
593
00:46:02,007 --> 00:46:05,556
I'll say I couldn't call 'em
'cause they cut the phone off.
594
00:46:05,727 --> 00:46:09,117
- Have you eaten?
- On the ferry. An omelette.
595
00:46:09,287 --> 00:46:11,960
Del had a mutton Madras
and four Irish coffees.
596
00:46:12,127 --> 00:46:14,322
Very nice, too, thanks.
597
00:46:14,487 --> 00:46:18,719
You should have seen the size
of this wine warehouse we went to!
598
00:46:18,887 --> 00:46:21,606
I said to Denzil we should have them here.
599
00:46:21,767 --> 00:46:24,884
- Denzil was with you?
- Eh?
600
00:46:26,727 --> 00:46:33,280
Yes, he was there. We bumped
into him. It was a coincidence.
601
00:46:33,447 --> 00:46:36,359
- Yeah. Amazing (!)
- Yeah.
602
00:46:36,527 --> 00:46:39,246
Look what I got here.
603
00:46:39,407 --> 00:46:43,923
A bottle of champagne
to celebrate our safe return.
604
00:46:45,487 --> 00:46:49,196
All the arrangements we made with Sid.
605
00:46:49,367 --> 00:46:53,838
Del said, "Keep the pub cellar clear."
And what does he do?
606
00:46:54,007 --> 00:46:57,682
- What?
- Well, you were there!
607
00:46:57,847 --> 00:47:00,361
He let the brewery make a delivery!
608
00:47:00,527 --> 00:47:05,317
The way that brewery carries on,
you'd think they owned the pub!
609
00:47:14,247 --> 00:47:16,283
Trigger!
610
00:47:20,247 --> 00:47:23,319
(DENZIL) Bloody hell!
611
00:47:23,487 --> 00:47:29,926
So you just happened to meet
Denzil in a wine warehouse.
612
00:47:30,087 --> 00:47:32,760
- Did Denzil have his lorry?
- Don't know.
613
00:47:32,927 --> 00:47:36,761
- Didn't ask.
- It could carry a lot of beer.
614
00:47:36,927 --> 00:47:40,681
- Did Denzil follow you back?
- No, he stayed there.
615
00:47:40,847 --> 00:47:44,920
Yeah, he's having a little holiday.
616
00:47:45,087 --> 00:47:48,523
Yes. Ooh, look, I've just remembered.
617
00:47:48,687 --> 00:47:51,485
I got you a French football shirt.
618
00:47:51,647 --> 00:47:54,400
- Brilliant! Can I try it on?
- Course.
619
00:47:54,567 --> 00:47:59,595
- Cass, some French perfume.
- I got you this, sweetheart.
620
00:47:59,767 --> 00:48:02,076
There you are.
621
00:48:02,247 --> 00:48:05,683
Oh, Del, they're lovely!
622
00:48:05,847 --> 00:48:08,884
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
623
00:48:09,047 --> 00:48:12,164
But zircon can be good company!
624
00:48:14,687 --> 00:48:16,882
(MOBILE RINGS)
625
00:48:17,047 --> 00:48:18,526
Hello?
626
00:48:19,767 --> 00:48:23,396
- Del, it's Denzil.
- Denzil?!
627
00:48:23,567 --> 00:48:27,003
Why's he phoning me from France?
628
00:48:27,167 --> 00:48:31,957
No, he's at your garage.
I know what you're up to. Why lie?
629
00:48:32,127 --> 00:48:36,484
I didn't think the truth
would do me any favours.
630
00:48:36,647 --> 00:48:40,401
We need the money, Raquel. That's no lie.
631
00:48:40,567 --> 00:48:44,276
Let me speak to him. Bonjour, Denzil.
632
00:48:47,047 --> 00:48:50,357
Champs Elysees!
633
00:48:51,647 --> 00:48:53,797
(DEL) Sprechen Sie lingo?
634
00:48:53,967 --> 00:48:57,004
Sprechen Sie de old Anglaisee?
635
00:48:57,167 --> 00:49:00,637
Give it up, Del, he don't speak a word.
636
00:49:00,807 --> 00:49:03,640
So what'll we do with him?
637
00:49:03,807 --> 00:49:07,163
- Just let him go.
- We can't do that!
638
00:49:07,327 --> 00:49:10,285
What would happen
to a stranger on this estate?
639
00:49:10,447 --> 00:49:16,044
- He could be part of Al-Qaeda!
- Don't be stupid!
640
00:49:16,207 --> 00:49:20,405
Does he look like he works
in a furniture store?
641
00:49:23,167 --> 00:49:27,365
- No, no...
- Denzil, let's not go there.
642
00:49:27,527 --> 00:49:30,963
- We'll drop him off somewhere.
- What if the Old Bill pull him?
643
00:49:31,127 --> 00:49:36,645
They'll take him
to the immigration centre in Croydon.
644
00:49:36,807 --> 00:49:40,959
He was hiding in my truck.
That's a P2,000 fine!
645
00:49:41,127 --> 00:49:45,837
Some illegals tell the police
who brought them in.
646
00:49:46,007 --> 00:49:49,044
How would we fare under British justice?
647
00:49:49,207 --> 00:49:55,237
We can't leave him here.
He'd probably suffocate or something.
648
00:49:55,407 --> 00:49:59,480
- We'll take him to the flat.
- What'll we say to Raquel?
649
00:49:59,647 --> 00:50:04,482
We got a bloke, don't know who
he is, but do him egg and chips.
650
00:50:04,647 --> 00:50:08,356
- You are a plonker!
- Got a better idea?
651
00:50:08,527 --> 00:50:13,396
We can keep an eye on him
and stop him going to the police.
652
00:50:13,567 --> 00:50:17,037
Oh, I don't believe this! All right.
653
00:50:17,207 --> 00:50:23,965
You carry on unloading
and we'll take him... somewhere.
654
00:50:29,247 --> 00:50:33,957
- What shall we say?
- We'll have to play it by ear.
655
00:50:34,127 --> 00:50:37,324
We've got to get him pugged away
somewhere.
656
00:50:37,487 --> 00:50:39,045
Come on.
657
00:50:39,207 --> 00:50:42,404
(FOOTBALL ON TV)
658
00:50:47,367 --> 00:50:50,040
Look who we bumped into!
659
00:50:51,247 --> 00:50:54,922
Yeah. He was just walking past.
660
00:50:57,487 --> 00:51:00,843
- Won't you introduce us?
- Eh?
661
00:51:02,127 --> 00:51:04,561
Yes, sorry, yes, of course.
662
00:51:04,727 --> 00:51:09,357
This is Raquel, my significant other.
663
00:51:09,527 --> 00:51:12,837
This is Cassandra, Rodney's wife.
664
00:51:13,007 --> 00:51:17,523
This is Damien, my son. And this... This...
665
00:51:17,687 --> 00:51:21,885
This... This is Rodney's friend.
666
00:51:25,807 --> 00:51:28,958
Yes, this is my friend.
667
00:51:29,127 --> 00:51:32,642
- Does he have a name?
- Course he does!
668
00:51:32,807 --> 00:51:35,685
- Of course.
- Course he has a name.
669
00:51:37,887 --> 00:51:40,685
- Well?
- His name?
670
00:51:40,847 --> 00:51:44,726
His name... His name is Gary.
671
00:51:46,647 --> 00:51:49,844
Yes, this is Gary.
672
00:51:50,967 --> 00:51:53,276
Good old Gary!
673
00:51:54,127 --> 00:51:57,278
- Nice to meet you, Gary.
- Hi, Gary!
674
00:51:57,447 --> 00:51:59,483
He's...
675
00:52:01,167 --> 00:52:04,284
He's a little bit shy.
676
00:52:04,447 --> 00:52:08,725
He probably wants to sit down.
Gary, sit down. Good boy.
677
00:52:08,887 --> 00:52:11,447
He's sitting, look.
678
00:52:11,607 --> 00:52:14,758
- Where do you know him from?
- Who? Gary?
679
00:52:14,927 --> 00:52:16,645
Yeah.
680
00:52:16,807 --> 00:52:21,164
- Um...
- From Rodney's evening school.
681
00:52:21,327 --> 00:52:23,682
Yes, from evening school.
682
00:52:23,847 --> 00:52:27,840
But I was at your evening school.
That's where we met.
683
00:52:28,007 --> 00:52:31,716
- I don't remember Gary.
- It's another evening school.
684
00:52:31,887 --> 00:52:35,926
- When did you go there, then?
- One evening.
685
00:52:38,527 --> 00:52:41,644
Would you like something to drink?
686
00:52:42,727 --> 00:52:44,445
Gary?
687
00:52:47,567 --> 00:52:48,886
Gary!
688
00:52:54,007 --> 00:52:56,396
Yes, he said, "Gary!"
689
00:52:56,567 --> 00:52:59,957
It's the way he says it! "Gary"!
690
00:53:01,927 --> 00:53:04,122
He can't speak English, can he?
691
00:53:04,287 --> 00:53:10,157
What? Him? Speak English?
Once he starts, he doesn't stop!
692
00:53:10,327 --> 00:53:14,525
Did you meet Rodney at evening school, Gary?
693
00:53:16,407 --> 00:53:17,726
Gary!
694
00:53:19,167 --> 00:53:23,206
Oh, my God, he's an illegal immigrant!
695
00:53:23,367 --> 00:53:27,121
Shh! Don't say that too loud
round this estate!
696
00:53:27,287 --> 00:53:30,404
- You'll cause a panic!
- We've got an illegal!
697
00:53:31,687 --> 00:53:35,566
Sweetheart, I'm really sorry.
It's nothing to do with us.
698
00:53:35,727 --> 00:53:40,642
- He was in Denzil's lorry.
- We hadn't a clue he was there.
699
00:53:40,807 --> 00:53:43,241
He must have snuck in.
700
00:53:43,407 --> 00:53:46,080
- What will you do with him?
- I dunno.
701
00:53:46,247 --> 00:53:48,477
- He can't stay here.
- Where will he go?
702
00:53:48,647 --> 00:53:51,241
Shall we sit him down to watch the football?
703
00:53:51,407 --> 00:53:56,765
If we chuck him out, he'll be
a crack addict by the second half!
704
00:53:58,167 --> 00:54:01,125
What we might have to do...
705
00:54:01,287 --> 00:54:03,118
No, no. No, no, no.
706
00:54:03,287 --> 00:54:05,960
No, it's all right.
707
00:54:06,127 --> 00:54:11,155
Look, it's a lighter, see? Lighter. Right?
708
00:54:14,207 --> 00:54:16,084
Gary!
709
00:54:27,647 --> 00:54:30,923
"Two teaspoons of curry paste."
710
00:54:31,087 --> 00:54:33,203
That's one...
711
00:54:35,007 --> 00:54:36,406
Two...
712
00:54:36,567 --> 00:54:39,445
One for the pot. Cushty.
713
00:54:39,607 --> 00:54:40,926
Yes!
714
00:54:41,087 --> 00:54:45,638
- I can smell something.
- You can't wait, can you?
715
00:54:45,807 --> 00:54:47,479
I can!
716
00:54:47,647 --> 00:54:51,686
You've got to take your time with this.
717
00:54:51,847 --> 00:54:54,361
The longer the better!
718
00:54:54,527 --> 00:54:57,485
I have to find out what nationality Gary is
719
00:54:57,647 --> 00:55:00,684
and send him to whoever represents his people.
720
00:55:00,847 --> 00:55:04,726
But he doesn't speak English,
so how will you do that?
721
00:55:04,887 --> 00:55:06,605
Well...
722
00:55:06,767 --> 00:55:09,327
Yeah. Good point.
723
00:55:09,487 --> 00:55:13,002
- Where's Gary?
- He's having a shower.
724
00:55:13,167 --> 00:55:15,317
I've lent him some of Del's clothes.
725
00:55:15,487 --> 00:55:18,365
Give him some of Del's aftershave too!
726
00:55:18,527 --> 00:55:22,315
No, things are bad enough for him as it is!
727
00:55:22,487 --> 00:55:25,638
Del, Rodney's only gone and...
728
00:55:25,807 --> 00:55:31,404
Look at that! I'm calling this "Chicken Trotter".
729
00:55:31,567 --> 00:55:34,877
That could be a very apt name for it!
730
00:55:43,367 --> 00:55:45,437
OK, Gary?
731
00:55:45,607 --> 00:55:47,040
Gary.
732
00:55:47,207 --> 00:55:50,165
Come and sit down, son.
733
00:55:53,047 --> 00:55:58,565
Oh, my God!
He looks like a set of traffic lights!
734
00:55:58,727 --> 00:56:04,085
- Don't be rude!
- He's from a war-torn country.
735
00:56:04,247 --> 00:56:07,205
Probably witnessed mass murder.
736
00:56:07,367 --> 00:56:12,077
Maybe he was one of the murderers!
737
00:56:14,647 --> 00:56:17,719
He doesn't look like one.
738
00:56:17,887 --> 00:56:21,436
In Del's pyjamas, Adolf Hitler wouldn't either!
739
00:56:21,607 --> 00:56:25,043
You could have colour-coordinated him!
740
00:56:25,207 --> 00:56:28,643
Fashion design isn't my strong point.
741
00:56:28,807 --> 00:56:31,162
Right, here we go!
742
00:56:31,327 --> 00:56:35,605
Ah! Very nice. Very tasteful, Gary.
743
00:56:35,767 --> 00:56:37,325
Gary!
744
00:56:37,487 --> 00:56:39,842
Get your laughing gear round that.
745
00:56:41,127 --> 00:56:45,166
- Why did you make curry?
- I wanted him to feel at home.
746
00:56:45,327 --> 00:56:48,524
I don't think he's Asian. He's more Arabic.
747
00:56:48,687 --> 00:56:54,319
Let's go to "Perfect Pizza"
for a pepperoni and sheep's head!
748
00:56:56,167 --> 00:57:01,161
It's only a ruby. No matter
if you're Asian, Arab or Eskimo,
749
00:57:01,327 --> 00:57:04,046
everyone loves a ruby.
750
00:57:06,567 --> 00:57:08,523
Ooh! Gary!
751
00:57:08,687 --> 00:57:11,326
- Glass of water.
- Gary!
752
00:57:11,487 --> 00:57:14,001
Get him a glass of water.
753
00:57:14,167 --> 00:57:17,637
- He can finish that out there.
- Gary!
754
00:57:20,167 --> 00:57:24,365
Maybe the vindaloo was a bit hot for the boy?
755
00:57:24,527 --> 00:57:25,846
(DOORBELL)
756
00:57:26,007 --> 00:57:28,282
- It's the police!
- This is great.
757
00:57:28,447 --> 00:57:31,405
I'll give birth in Holloway!
758
00:57:31,567 --> 00:57:34,798
Shh! I don't know. Shh!
759
00:57:36,367 --> 00:57:40,360
- Hello? Who is it?
- Del, it's Boycie!
760
00:57:40,527 --> 00:57:43,883
It's OK. It's only Boycie.
761
00:57:45,567 --> 00:57:48,240
What an unpleasant surprise!
762
00:57:49,967 --> 00:57:52,162
- Rodney.
- Boycie.
763
00:57:53,767 --> 00:57:58,079
Good evening, Raquel. You look lovely tonight.
764
00:57:58,247 --> 00:58:00,761
You too, Cassandra.
765
00:58:00,927 --> 00:58:05,796
You have that maternal glow
from being in the family way.
766
00:58:07,447 --> 00:58:12,362
- Hello, little man.
- Do not touch me, batty boy.
767
00:58:14,567 --> 00:58:18,879
- He's a character, isn't he?
- What do you want, Boycie?
768
00:58:19,047 --> 00:58:23,199
- Cognac would be lovely.
- You'll be lucky!
769
00:58:23,367 --> 00:58:25,756
Here you are, Rodney.
770
00:58:25,927 --> 00:58:29,442
Boycie, no way am I driving for you tonight.
771
00:58:29,607 --> 00:58:33,680
No, it's not that, Del. I've got a problem.
772
00:58:33,847 --> 00:58:37,157
I've been chucked out of my house!
773
00:58:38,127 --> 00:58:40,721
- Good for Marlene!
- She's finally done it!
774
00:58:40,887 --> 00:58:46,120
Marlene didn't. The police did.
The house is full of gas.
775
00:58:46,287 --> 00:58:51,566
Those bloody log-effect fires
Lenny Corby fitted are leaking.
776
00:58:51,727 --> 00:58:55,322
The gas board can't turn it off at the mains
777
00:58:55,487 --> 00:58:58,843
'cause Lenny snapped the handle off!
778
00:58:59,007 --> 00:59:03,000
They evacuated the whole road.
Marlene's gone to her mum's
779
00:59:03,167 --> 00:59:06,762
and I was going to a hotel,
780
00:59:06,927 --> 00:59:11,478
but I left everything in the house.
Wallet, keys, the lot.
781
00:59:11,647 --> 00:59:15,481
Fire brigade won't let me back in.
It's dangerous.
782
00:59:15,647 --> 00:59:18,957
All I've got is what I'm wearing.
783
00:59:19,127 --> 00:59:22,642
That's bad news, Boycie.
What are you doing here?
784
00:59:22,807 --> 00:59:27,517
I was in trouble, so I thought
I'd go and see my best friend.
785
00:59:27,687 --> 00:59:30,645
But you decided to call here first?
786
00:59:30,807 --> 00:59:33,844
Derek has always been my best friend.
787
00:59:34,007 --> 00:59:36,521
On yer bike, Boycie!
788
00:59:36,687 --> 00:59:41,317
I just need a bed for the night.
I'm at your mercy.
789
00:59:41,487 --> 00:59:44,445
Why can't you stay at Marlene's mum's?
790
00:59:44,607 --> 00:59:47,599
The batty old mare won't let me in!
791
00:59:47,767 --> 00:59:50,327
We had a row at that wedding.
792
00:59:50,487 --> 00:59:53,877
She cast doubt upon my personal hygiene.
793
00:59:54,047 --> 00:59:58,677
There was a horrible smell
of onion and she blamed me!
794
01:00:01,407 --> 01:00:05,286
- Can't you stay with Trigger?
- Ever spent an evening there?
795
01:00:05,447 --> 01:00:08,803
It's like having a seance with Mr Bean.
796
01:00:08,967 --> 01:00:13,483
- Denzil has room at his place.
- He's not there!
797
01:00:14,847 --> 01:00:18,556
- It seems you don't want me.
- It's not that, Boycie.
798
01:00:18,727 --> 01:00:20,285
It is!
799
01:00:20,447 --> 01:00:23,405
It's just that we're overcrowded.
800
01:00:23,567 --> 01:00:26,798
Raquel and I have our bedroom,
Cassandra and Rodney theirs,
801
01:00:26,967 --> 01:00:29,242
- Damien's in his.
- The sofa will do.
802
01:00:29,407 --> 01:00:32,365
- Gary's sleeping on there.
- Gary?
803
01:00:32,927 --> 01:00:34,246
Gary.
804
01:00:35,407 --> 01:00:38,956
- Good God!
- Gary is Rodney's friend.
805
01:00:39,127 --> 01:00:42,483
Did he get ready for bed in a power cut?
806
01:00:48,127 --> 01:00:52,120
- They're your night clothes.
- Got it in one.
807
01:00:52,287 --> 01:00:57,600
Who else can combine lime green
and bright red and make it work?
808
01:00:57,767 --> 01:01:01,203
I've always had an eye for colour.
809
01:01:01,367 --> 01:01:04,279
Derek, could I have a word, please?
810
01:01:04,447 --> 01:01:07,519
Course you can, sweetheart.
811
01:01:20,567 --> 01:01:23,525
Before you say anything,
Boycie's not staying.
812
01:01:23,687 --> 01:01:27,441
We've already got Gary.
At least he doesn't speak!
813
01:01:27,607 --> 01:01:32,601
Lawrence of Peckham you may be,
but Boycie's not staying here.
814
01:01:32,767 --> 01:01:35,406
Look, darling, sweetheart.
815
01:01:35,567 --> 01:01:38,877
I feel just a little bit guilty, you see.
816
01:01:39,047 --> 01:01:42,483
I made Boycie's hair smell like shepherd's pie.
817
01:01:42,647 --> 01:01:44,126
Good!
818
01:01:44,287 --> 01:01:48,166
No, because he wouldn't have
rowed with his in-laws.
819
01:01:48,327 --> 01:01:54,038
He would have stayed there.
And then there's these gas fires.
820
01:01:54,207 --> 01:02:00,077
- Oh, no! You sold them?
- No, not me. It was Rodney.
821
01:02:00,247 --> 01:02:04,035
I said, "Don't sell 'em, they're dangerous."
822
01:02:04,207 --> 01:02:07,722
But he wouldn't listen to me.
823
01:02:07,887 --> 01:02:11,721
I feel guilty. It's only one night!
824
01:02:12,847 --> 01:02:16,726
OK. If they're not gone
by tomorrow evening, I will be!
825
01:02:16,887 --> 01:02:22,200
They will be history. Thank you,
darling, you are a diamond!
826
01:02:22,367 --> 01:02:25,120
No, it's just a little blister.
827
01:02:25,287 --> 01:02:28,040
OK, Boycie, we've decided.
828
01:02:28,207 --> 01:02:32,166
You can stay on the camp bed.
It's in the cupboard.
829
01:02:32,327 --> 01:02:37,321
Perfect, Derek. Damien,
you're sleeping on a camp bed.
830
01:02:37,487 --> 01:02:39,523
No, he is not!
831
01:02:39,687 --> 01:02:42,804
You get rid of kids to make way for adults.
832
01:02:42,967 --> 01:02:47,404
But in your case
it's an exception. That or nothing.
833
01:02:47,567 --> 01:02:51,003
OK, the camp bed it will have to be.
834
01:02:51,167 --> 01:02:53,123
Here we are.
835
01:02:54,447 --> 01:02:58,201
I promise you'll hardly know I'm here.
836
01:03:02,327 --> 01:03:05,285
Did you make that drink for me, Raquel?
837
01:03:05,447 --> 01:03:08,564
Tell you what, I am starving!
838
01:03:12,887 --> 01:03:15,924
- Fancy a plate of curry?
- Lovely!
839
01:03:16,087 --> 01:03:17,725
Lovely!
840
01:03:21,687 --> 01:03:24,838
(BOYCIE GROANS)
841
01:03:30,727 --> 01:03:33,525
Are you still awake, Gary?
842
01:03:34,247 --> 01:03:35,965
Gary.
843
01:03:37,327 --> 01:03:41,036
That curry's doing a conga in my colon!
844
01:03:45,287 --> 01:03:47,847
I only had one mouthful.
845
01:03:49,087 --> 01:03:52,523
- Are you still hungry, Gary?
- Gary.
846
01:03:52,687 --> 01:03:55,679
I'll make us a sandwich.
847
01:04:12,327 --> 01:04:16,206
Do "sell by" dates mean nothing
to the Trotters?
848
01:04:16,367 --> 01:04:20,599
I've seen younger items
on the "Antiques Roadshow"!
849
01:04:20,767 --> 01:04:23,804
It'll have to be cheese, Gary.
850
01:04:23,967 --> 01:04:25,639
Gary!
851
01:04:33,967 --> 01:04:37,039
Do you want piccalilli?
852
01:04:38,567 --> 01:04:42,446
Are you cold, son? Get back into bed.
853
01:04:42,607 --> 01:04:47,203
Get back in there. Nice and warm. That's it.
854
01:04:48,847 --> 01:04:51,600
Blimey, you are cold, aren't you?
855
01:04:55,167 --> 01:04:59,604
Get the suitcase out,
set it up and I'll do the spiel.
856
01:04:59,767 --> 01:05:03,077
Excuse me! Hello? I'm in charge now!
857
01:05:03,247 --> 01:05:06,000
OK. What do you want to do?
858
01:05:06,887 --> 01:05:09,117
I'll get the suitcase, you do the spiel.
859
01:05:09,287 --> 01:05:12,085
That's a good idea (!)
860
01:05:20,367 --> 01:05:23,120
Hello, sweetheart! How are you?
861
01:05:23,287 --> 01:05:25,926
- "One night", you said.
- Yeah, but...
862
01:05:26,087 --> 01:05:29,966
Four bloody nights
they've slept in the living room!
863
01:05:30,127 --> 01:05:33,039
OK, I'll have words, don't worry.
864
01:05:33,207 --> 01:05:39,077
Boycie puts that hair gel on
and then complains about the smell!
865
01:05:39,247 --> 01:05:42,523
But I can't say anything to him.
866
01:05:42,687 --> 01:05:45,520
Or he'll know it was me what done it.
867
01:05:45,687 --> 01:05:51,159
Good news. The gas board
has cleared us to move back in.
868
01:05:52,487 --> 01:05:55,957
- Thank you for being there.
- That's OK, Boycie.
869
01:05:56,127 --> 01:06:01,281
- You'd do the same for us.
- I suppose so.
870
01:06:01,447 --> 01:06:05,486
I'd get that smell sorted out if I were you.
871
01:06:05,647 --> 01:06:09,925
I reckon someone's dumped
a kebab in your air duct.
872
01:06:10,087 --> 01:06:12,317
You know that contract of mine?
873
01:06:12,487 --> 01:06:16,002
- Yes.
- I have to sign it in Paris.
874
01:06:16,167 --> 01:06:21,002
I want you to drive me there.
Make the right impression.
875
01:06:21,167 --> 01:06:24,398
So go and hire us a nice vehicle.
876
01:06:24,567 --> 01:06:27,639
Your showroom is full of cars!
877
01:06:27,807 --> 01:06:31,117
Yes, but I want one that'll get us there!
878
01:06:31,287 --> 01:06:35,519
You don't mind if I take your staff away?
879
01:06:35,687 --> 01:06:39,919
Not at all. I'll come with you for the ride.
880
01:06:40,087 --> 01:06:46,003
Seeing me become a millionaire
may rekindle a few memories!
881
01:06:48,167 --> 01:06:51,159
You are one flash git, aren't you?
882
01:06:52,407 --> 01:06:56,400
Why don't we drop Gary off on the continent?
883
01:06:56,567 --> 01:07:02,244
Don't be stupid, Rodney!
We'd be the only ones ever to get fined
884
01:07:02,407 --> 01:07:05,399
for smuggling someone OUT of the country!
885
01:07:05,567 --> 01:07:09,924
I just saw him hitch-hiking
round the Elephant and Castle.
886
01:07:10,087 --> 01:07:14,239
- He's gone?
- Damien took him to football.
887
01:07:14,407 --> 01:07:20,437
I saw him in a campervan
with a bunch of Australian backpackers.
888
01:07:21,407 --> 01:07:25,525
- Well, we did our best for him.
- Yeah.
889
01:07:25,687 --> 01:07:29,521
I suppose he'll see a bit of the world now.
890
01:07:31,567 --> 01:07:34,479
Can you smell onions?
891
01:07:37,087 --> 01:07:38,406
Yeah.
892
01:07:44,007 --> 01:07:47,716
- I told you I'd get it sorted!
- Well done, Del.
893
01:07:47,887 --> 01:07:51,721
- I'll see you back at home.
- OK.
894
01:07:52,767 --> 01:07:56,555
Come on, boss, let's get selling!
895
01:08:05,927 --> 01:08:08,964
- It's a van!
- It's all they had!
896
01:08:09,127 --> 01:08:12,961
- They were out of saloons.
- It's comfy.
897
01:08:13,127 --> 01:08:17,484
I don't believe it!
The most important meeting in my life
898
01:08:17,647 --> 01:08:20,207
and I'm going in a van!
899
01:08:20,367 --> 01:08:22,961
Get in! Stop moaning.
900
01:08:26,687 --> 01:08:32,683
Now, one thing, Derek. We're not
stopping to load up with beer.
901
01:08:32,847 --> 01:08:35,202
Nothing was further from my mind!
902
01:08:35,367 --> 01:08:39,201
Police in Kent have found
the missing billionaire's son,
903
01:08:39,367 --> 01:08:43,804
Rachid Mahmoon,
who was kidnapped a week ago
904
01:08:43,967 --> 01:08:47,801
while working in his father's
wine warehouse.
905
01:08:47,967 --> 01:08:52,597
"I was loading the truck when
the kidnappers trapped me.
906
01:08:55,887 --> 01:08:59,800
"I was taken to an apartment.
I've no idea where.
907
01:08:59,967 --> 01:09:05,485
"I was held for four days
and nights by two men and two women.
908
01:09:05,647 --> 01:09:07,922
"I don't know what language they spoke."
909
01:09:08,087 --> 01:09:09,600
(SPEAKS ARABIC)
910
01:09:09,767 --> 01:09:13,840
"Sometimes I detected
the odd word of English."
911
01:09:14,007 --> 01:09:18,683
"A big man guarded me at night.
He carried a large knife
912
01:09:18,847 --> 01:09:20,997
"and his hair smelt of..."
913
01:09:21,167 --> 01:09:22,725
(IN ARABIC)
914
01:09:22,887 --> 01:09:24,366
"...onions."
915
01:09:24,527 --> 01:09:28,998
Interpol are searching for
the criminals behind the kidnap.
916
01:09:29,167 --> 01:09:34,287
The only information they have
is that the "Gary Gang"
917
01:09:34,447 --> 01:09:36,881
may have south London connections.
918
01:09:46,687 --> 01:09:50,521
Interpol recherche activement
les kidnappeurs.
919
01:09:58,367 --> 01:10:00,164
Gentlemen?
920
01:10:04,287 --> 01:10:08,997
(SPEAKS ARABIC)
921
01:10:09,167 --> 01:10:12,079
Mr Boyce, this is Mr Mahmoon.
922
01:10:12,247 --> 01:10:13,760
Delighted.
923
01:10:14,767 --> 01:10:18,442
Please... Please sit down.
924
01:10:25,367 --> 01:10:28,757
(IN ARABIC)
925
01:10:28,927 --> 01:10:33,682
Monsieur Chairman says
he's always admired the British.
926
01:10:40,527 --> 01:10:45,920
His grandmother met
an English sailor during the war.
927
01:10:59,647 --> 01:11:02,115
Happy with the contract, Mr Boyce?
928
01:11:02,287 --> 01:11:05,802
Oui, extremely.
929
01:11:05,967 --> 01:11:08,686
Then we will sign.
930
01:11:10,167 --> 01:11:14,126
Mr Boyce, Mr Mahmoon's son, Rachid.
931
01:11:18,807 --> 01:11:22,766
- Gary!
- Look who it is!
932
01:11:22,927 --> 01:11:25,122
(SHOUTS IN PANIC)
933
01:11:25,287 --> 01:11:27,596
Small world, isn't it?
934
01:11:37,727 --> 01:11:41,117
- Allo, securite?
- (CLEARS THROAT)
935
01:11:43,047 --> 01:11:45,686
Got a pen?
936
01:11:48,487 --> 01:11:52,082
(SIREN BLARES)
937
01:11:54,087 --> 01:11:57,602
(BOYCIE) That contract would
have made me a millionaire!
938
01:11:57,767 --> 01:12:01,476
Thanks to you two, I've been arrested!
939
01:12:01,647 --> 01:12:06,437
(RODNEY) Kidnappers? Us?
(DEL) Boycie, I was wondering.
940
01:12:06,607 --> 01:12:10,725
On the way back, can we stop
at the wine warehouse?
941
01:12:10,887 --> 01:12:13,924
Aren't we in enough sodding trouble?
942
01:12:14,087 --> 01:12:16,362
Are you paying Del overtime for this?
943
01:12:16,527 --> 01:12:18,677
No, I am not!
944
01:12:19,607 --> 01:12:23,043
(BOYCIE) Can you smell onions?
(DEL AND RODNEY) Shut up!
945
01:12:28,607 --> 01:12:30,438
# We've got some half-price cracked ice
946
01:12:30,607 --> 01:12:32,199
# And miles and miles of carpet tiles
947
01:12:32,367 --> 01:12:35,165
# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
948
01:12:35,327 --> 01:12:38,319
# Ball games, gold chains,
what's-their-names and at a push
949
01:12:38,487 --> 01:12:41,285
# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits
from a mush in Shepherd's Bush
950
01:12:41,447 --> 01:12:43,915
# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush
951
01:12:44,087 --> 01:12:46,840
# No income tax, no VAT
952
01:12:47,007 --> 01:12:49,999
# No money back, no guarantee
953
01:12:50,167 --> 01:12:53,079
# Black or white, rich or broke
954
01:12:53,247 --> 01:12:57,525
# We'll cut prices at a stroke
955
01:12:58,047 --> 01:13:00,925
# God bless Hooky Street!
956
01:13:01,087 --> 01:13:03,965
# Viva Hooky Street!
957
01:13:04,127 --> 01:13:06,641
# Long live Hooky Street!
958
01:13:06,807 --> 01:13:10,163
# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!
959
01:13:10,327 --> 01:13:13,524
# Magnifique, Hooky Street!
960
01:13:14,967 --> 01:13:16,559
# Hooky Street!
961
01:13:18,047 --> 01:13:19,526
# Hooky Street! #
75263
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