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Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org
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# Stick a pony in me pocket
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# Ill fetch the suitcase from the van
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# Cause if you want the best uns
5
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# But you dont ask questions
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Then, brother, Im your man
7
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# Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
8
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# Its like the changing of the seasons
and the tides of the sea
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# But heres the one thats driving me berserk
10
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# Why do only fools and horses work?
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# La-la la-la la
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# La-la la-la la
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# La-la la-la la la... #
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(MUSIC: MERRY CHRISTMAS
EVERYB0DY BY SLADE)
15
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# Look to the future now
16
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# Its only just begun
17
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# So here it is, Merry Christmas
18
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# Everybodys having fun
19
00:01:02,927 --> 00:01:06,078
# Look to the future now
20
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# Its only just begun
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# So here it is, Merry Christmas
22
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# Everybodys having fun
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# Look to the future now... #
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(CHILLING MUSIC PLAYS)
25
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0h!
26
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0h, God. Not another day.
27
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(RADIO) # So her. E i't i's, Mer. Ry Chr. I'stmas... #
28
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- What time is it?
- Time for us to emigrate.
29
00:02:00,687 --> 00:02:05,841
- 0r at least discuss a suicide pact.
- How are we feeling this morning?
30
00:02:06,007 --> 00:02:12,606
Great. How else could I feel? Im 31
and I work for Trotters Independent Traders.
31
00:02:12,767 --> 00:02:15,918
Some people would love to be in your position.
32
00:02:16,087 --> 00:02:20,797
I know. Theyre all tucked up safe and sound
in their padded cells!
33
00:02:20,967 --> 00:02:24,323
You seem a bit more cheerful than yesterday.
34
00:02:24,487 --> 00:02:30,960
You should come to Trotter Towers with me
one morning. Itd give Terry Waite the shakes.
35
00:02:32,167 --> 00:02:37,560
You cant move for teething rings,
Farley rusks and funny smells.
36
00:02:37,727 --> 00:02:41,083
Its like Nightmare on Sesame Street.
37
00:02:41,247 --> 00:02:46,321
Raquels got post-natal depression,
Alberts got post-naval depression
38
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and Damien chucks toys at my head.
39
00:02:49,487 --> 00:02:53,162
- You big baby. Theyre only fluffy dolls.
- I know.
40
00:02:53,327 --> 00:02:56,876
Dels bought him a Tonka toy for Christmas.
41
00:02:57,047 --> 00:03:01,643
- How is Del now?
- Hes still putting a brave face on it.
42
00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:06,722
Laughing and joking all the time.
Hes worrying the life out of me.
43
00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:09,560
We havent bought or sold a thing in months
44
00:03:09,727 --> 00:03:13,356
and hes running round like Ken Dodd on Ecstasy!
45
00:03:14,407 --> 00:03:19,686
Maybe its just the recession.
Were broke and he wont admit it.
46
00:03:19,847 --> 00:03:23,601
- A lot of people are in the same boat.
- Youre all right.
47
00:03:23,767 --> 00:03:27,237
- What does that mean?
- Youve got your promotion.
48
00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:33,482
Im in charge of small-business investment
at Peckham. Its hardly the House of Elliot!
49
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:37,959
At least youve done something. Im just me.
50
00:03:38,127 --> 00:03:41,119
Youll do for me, big boy.
51
00:03:46,127 --> 00:03:51,121
- Id better make the coffee.
- No. Stay here a while.
52
00:03:52,127 --> 00:03:56,325
- You know what Id like to do?
- No.
53
00:03:56,487 --> 00:04:02,039
Id like us to go away for a weekend.
Somewhere really nice. Just the two of us.
54
00:04:02,207 --> 00:04:07,565
I know we cant afford it now,
but I get a bonus soon. Maybe then, eh?
55
00:04:07,727 --> 00:04:09,718
Yeah.
56
00:04:10,727 --> 00:04:15,801
Im sorry, Cass.
Ive been feeling down, a bit pressurised.
57
00:04:15,967 --> 00:04:20,757
Thats why Ive been a bit lacking
in certain areas recently.
58
00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:26,957
I understand. Thats why I want us
to go away - so you can relax.
59
00:04:28,327 --> 00:04:30,841
- Is that nice?
- Really good.
60
00:04:31,007 --> 00:04:35,842
- (PH0NE RINGS)
- Dont answer it. Its Del. Thats his ring.
61
00:04:36,007 --> 00:04:40,159
- Its seven in the morning!
- That dont matter to Del.
62
00:04:40,327 --> 00:04:45,640
- Sleeps for wimps, remember?
- It could be Mummy. She might be ill.
63
00:04:45,807 --> 00:04:49,846
- Still dont answer it.
- Dont be ridiculous!
64
00:04:50,007 --> 00:04:52,919
Hello? Morning, Del.
65
00:04:53,087 --> 00:04:57,558
- I left five minutes ago.
- No. He left five minutes ago.
66
00:04:57,727 --> 00:05:02,482
Mmm. Yeah. Well, I know hes your brother.
67
00:05:02,647 --> 00:05:05,764
I know Rodneys worried about you as well.
68
00:05:05,927 --> 00:05:10,398
Look, it happens to a lot of men
when theyre under stress!
69
00:05:11,407 --> 00:05:16,765
- I dont believe him!
- Well, arent you the lucky one?!
70
00:05:16,927 --> 00:05:21,557
Have I got a what? No!
And I wouldnt know where to get one!
71
00:05:21,727 --> 00:05:24,844
Tell him to mind his own bloody...!
72
00:05:25,847 --> 00:05:30,398
Roddys just popped back. No, hes left again.
73
00:05:30,567 --> 00:05:35,595
Yeah. All right. Thanks, Del. Bonjour... Bye.
74
00:05:38,047 --> 00:05:40,845
Toast and marmalade?
75
00:05:42,967 --> 00:05:45,845
(SN0RING)
76
00:05:59,407 --> 00:06:02,046
Rodney, any tea in the pot?
77
00:06:02,847 --> 00:06:05,839
- Yeah. Plenty.
- Thank you.
78
00:06:07,407 --> 00:06:09,875
There you are, darling.
79
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:33,076
(RADl0 PLAYS: CR0C0DILE R0CK
BY ELT0N J0HN)
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00:06:33,247 --> 00:06:39,243
- Is that the radio?
- No. Elton Johns popped in. Hes in the kitchen.
81
00:06:39,407 --> 00:06:44,401
- Any tea in the pot, Rodney?
- No, its empty.
82
00:06:44,567 --> 00:06:50,722
Call that music? Its a bloody racket.
Thats all you youngsters are interested in. Noise!
83
00:06:50,887 --> 00:06:56,598
- Didnt your generation ever enjoy itself?
- When I was your age, I was fighting in a war!
84
00:06:56,767 --> 00:07:01,045
You must have made
more bloody noise than me, then!
85
00:07:04,727 --> 00:07:07,161
- 0h, gawd!
- (RADl00FF)
86
00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:12,321
Hello, soldier! How are you?
Youre a little cracker, arent you?
87
00:07:13,607 --> 00:07:16,883
I cant imagine this flat without Damien, can you?
88
00:07:17,047 --> 00:07:19,925
No. Little devil.
89
00:07:20,087 --> 00:07:22,920
- You all right, Rodney?
- Yeah. Fine.
90
00:07:23,087 --> 00:07:29,765
- No. I mean, you all right?
- Yes! Everythings all right.
91
00:07:29,927 --> 00:07:31,918
- All right, then.
- Whats wrong?
92
00:07:32,087 --> 00:07:36,478
Nothing, sweetheart. Everything is cushty
between Rodders and Cassandra.
93
00:07:36,647 --> 00:07:40,799
Just a bit of stress. It can happen to any man.
94
00:07:40,967 --> 00:07:46,325
I just happen to be a bit lucky.
Do us a bit of breakfast, sweetheart.
95
00:07:46,487 --> 00:07:49,160
Dont you think Ive got enough to do?
96
00:07:49,327 --> 00:07:53,764
The baby to feed, the old man of the sea moaning
cause his egg was runny,
97
00:07:53,927 --> 00:07:59,001
beds to make, hoovering, washing, ironing
and I finish in time to cook dinner.
98
00:07:59,167 --> 00:08:04,116
Do it yourself, Trotter!
Albert, you can feed the baby.
99
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:10,723
I dont know whats the matter with her.
100
00:08:10,887 --> 00:08:14,482
I keep asking her but she wont tell me.
101
00:08:14,647 --> 00:08:18,879
Come on. I dont know.
102
00:08:20,447 --> 00:08:22,597
What more does she want?
103
00:08:22,767 --> 00:08:29,320
Shes got a nice home, lovely little baby.
Couldnt ask for a better bloke than me.
104
00:08:29,487 --> 00:08:31,921
- No.
- No.
105
00:08:32,087 --> 00:08:36,365
Is she happy? No, she is not.
I dont know, Rodney.
106
00:08:36,527 --> 00:08:42,875
Im down that casino every night
till the early hours trying to win us some money.
107
00:08:43,047 --> 00:08:49,043
If she knew how much I owed them,
shed realise how hard Ive been trying!
108
00:08:49,207 --> 00:08:52,165
Doesnt seem to be happy these days.
109
00:08:52,327 --> 00:08:55,319
Maybe its these days that are the problem.
110
00:08:55,487 --> 00:08:58,684
Theres nothing for her to look forward to.
111
00:08:58,847 --> 00:09:02,362
Just a daily round
of washing, ironing and boredom.
112
00:09:02,527 --> 00:09:05,644
Youve got to take the rough with the smooth.
113
00:09:05,807 --> 00:09:09,004
Itll get rougher before the end of the year.
114
00:09:09,167 --> 00:09:13,001
Lets have this out in the open. I want the truth.
115
00:09:13,167 --> 00:09:18,321
- Somethings going on. Ive a right to know what.
- Everythings all right, Rodney.
116
00:09:18,487 --> 00:09:25,279
We got no money and our future is about
as bright as a Yugoslavian tour operators!
117
00:09:25,447 --> 00:09:30,316
- But everythings cushty.
- Theres something else, Del.
118
00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:37,359
Youve lost that zip. The old Derek Trotter
could smell a fiver in a force-nine gale.
119
00:09:37,527 --> 00:09:43,443
They used to say if Del fell into a vipers pit,
hed come up wearing snakeskin shoes.
120
00:09:43,607 --> 00:09:48,601
You seem to have lost something.
Its like youre carrying a burden.
121
00:09:48,767 --> 00:09:51,804
Maybe thats affecting Raquel. Its affecting me.
122
00:09:51,967 --> 00:09:56,438
- I aint taking the blame for that thing!
- Will you shut up?
123
00:09:58,687 --> 00:10:02,680
If you dont tell me whats going on, Im gonna...
124
00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:07,680
I dont know what Im gonna do,
but I should know.
125
00:10:09,047 --> 00:10:14,724
Youre right, Rodney.
I cant keep anything from you, can I?
126
00:10:14,887 --> 00:10:19,722
Do you remember
I applied to the council to buy this flat?
127
00:10:19,887 --> 00:10:25,996
What with the local council elections,
it got put to one side and I forgot about it.
128
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:32,561
That was until a few days ago. 0ut of the blue,
all my paperwork has come through.
129
00:10:32,727 --> 00:10:35,605
I own this flat.
130
00:10:35,767 --> 00:10:37,803
0h, bloody ell.
131
00:10:39,807 --> 00:10:44,722
Ive worked it out.
The mortgage is two and a half times the rent
132
00:10:44,887 --> 00:10:47,196
and I cant afford the rent!
133
00:10:47,367 --> 00:10:51,599
- Thats whats upset Raquel?
- No. I havent told her yet.
134
00:10:51,767 --> 00:10:56,522
- And we also get Grandads old allotment.
- Not that?
135
00:10:56,687 --> 00:11:02,478
Yeah, that. What do I want with an allotment?
No ones been near it for yonks.
136
00:11:02,647 --> 00:11:07,323
More people have walked on the moon
than they have on that allotment!
137
00:11:07,487 --> 00:11:11,878
Honestly, an allotment. It makes you sick, dont it?
138
00:11:12,047 --> 00:11:14,925
I feel like a mosquito whos caught malaria.
139
00:11:18,807 --> 00:11:20,320
Del...
140
00:11:22,647 --> 00:11:26,276
Little sod threw his breakfast all over me.
141
00:11:26,447 --> 00:11:29,439
What a surprise. Come here.
142
00:11:32,847 --> 00:11:38,126
- Ill feed him.
- Raquels taken him to have a nap.
143
00:11:38,287 --> 00:11:42,326
- Puts you right off.
- Nothing worse than Weetabix in a beard.
144
00:11:53,887 --> 00:11:55,718
Sauce?
145
00:11:57,407 --> 00:12:01,844
Its all going right down the tubes.
Ive got to get some money.
146
00:12:02,007 --> 00:12:07,161
Its getting on top of me, bruv.
Im cracking up. Thanks, bruv.
147
00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:11,036
Come and have a sit down and listen to me.
148
00:12:11,207 --> 00:12:16,440
There was this bloke I used to know
at evening school. He reminded me of you.
149
00:12:16,607 --> 00:12:20,156
He was a really bright, dynamic, go-ahead bloke.
150
00:12:20,327 --> 00:12:23,717
But in other ways he reminded me of you.
151
00:12:24,887 --> 00:12:28,800
He was the kind whod take a gamble,
live on the edge.
152
00:12:28,967 --> 00:12:33,836
Anyway, he found what youre always
looking for - a gap in the market.
153
00:12:34,007 --> 00:12:38,444
- A gap in the warehouse doord suit me!
- Myles, his name was.
154
00:12:38,607 --> 00:12:41,360
- Myles?
- Yeah. Bit of a Friend of the Earth.
155
00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:46,840
- Liked natural food. Grew his own vegetables.
- He certainly sounds the dynamic sort.
156
00:12:47,007 --> 00:12:49,441
Dont knock it. Its a massive market.
157
00:12:49,607 --> 00:12:54,886
More and more people are turning
to health food for... their health.
158
00:12:55,047 --> 00:12:59,598
Myles noticed that if he wanted
to buy a bag of natural fertiliser,
159
00:12:59,767 --> 00:13:03,123
he had to go to a specialist garden centre.
160
00:13:03,287 --> 00:13:08,315
But if he wanted some organic vegetables,
he had to go to a health food shop.
161
00:13:08,487 --> 00:13:12,002
So he had the idea of combining the two entities.
162
00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:17,161
0ne centre where you can buy
natural fertiliser and health food.
163
00:13:17,327 --> 00:13:21,923
He now owns four
and hes opening a new one in Maidenhead.
164
00:13:22,087 --> 00:13:23,440
Maidenhead?
165
00:13:23,607 --> 00:13:27,805
In two and a half years
he has become a millionaire.
166
00:13:29,527 --> 00:13:31,757
- Millionaire?
- At least.
167
00:13:31,927 --> 00:13:34,566
- And?
- And what?
168
00:13:34,727 --> 00:13:37,764
Well, whats in it for us?
169
00:13:37,927 --> 00:13:41,715
0h! Me and Cassy go shopping there sometimes.
170
00:13:41,887 --> 00:13:47,405
No. Im not talking about that.
Im just saying... where do we come in?
171
00:13:48,767 --> 00:13:50,758
Nowhere.
172
00:13:52,767 --> 00:13:55,281
What did you tell me for, then?
173
00:13:55,447 --> 00:14:00,521
To point out that even in a recession,
some people are doing well.
174
00:14:00,687 --> 00:14:04,282
So it was just a nice little story, was it?
175
00:14:08,007 --> 00:14:11,363
Thats like the parable of the lucky git.
176
00:14:13,207 --> 00:14:19,043
Thats cheered me right up!
Ive got to go and tell Raquel this one.
177
00:14:19,207 --> 00:14:24,759
Raquel, come and listen to Rodneys story
about some mush whos doing really well!
178
00:14:24,927 --> 00:14:30,445
Hes made a couple of million, apparently.
Its warmed the cockles of my heart!
179
00:14:30,607 --> 00:14:35,442
Im just going to punch Rodney
on the nose and then Im off out!
180
00:14:35,607 --> 00:14:38,804
- 0h, dear!
- I wish Id kept my mouth shut.
181
00:14:40,567 --> 00:14:44,003
Where are you going today, darling?
182
00:14:44,167 --> 00:14:48,479
I dont know.
Mooch about, make us a bit of poppy.
183
00:14:48,647 --> 00:14:54,483
Ive got a much better idea. Why dont you
go down and sort out your allotment?
184
00:14:54,647 --> 00:14:57,115
This arrived from the council.
185
00:14:57,287 --> 00:15:00,484
- Its a summons.
- A summons?
186
00:15:00,647 --> 00:15:03,684
People have been dumping rubbish
on your allotment.
187
00:15:03,847 --> 00:15:07,078
Its now an environmental health hazard.
188
00:15:07,247 --> 00:15:10,080
Youve got two weeks to clear it up or go to court.
189
00:15:10,247 --> 00:15:16,038
- They mention a possible custodial sentence.
- Theres a thing.
190
00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:19,563
Are you going to tell me
what the hells happening?
191
00:15:19,727 --> 00:15:22,605
Youve spoiled the moment now.
192
00:15:22,767 --> 00:15:25,235
- I was going to tell you tonight.
- What?
193
00:15:25,407 --> 00:15:27,079
- Ill tell you tonight.
- Now!
194
00:15:27,247 --> 00:15:30,364
- Its about the flat.
- What about it?
195
00:15:32,207 --> 00:15:35,517
Its ours. Ive bought it.
196
00:15:49,527 --> 00:15:54,362
- 0h, good!
- Ill get some champagne to celebrate.
197
00:15:54,527 --> 00:15:57,519
Not for me. I feel light-headed already.
198
00:15:57,687 --> 00:16:01,236
Its ours. We can do what we like with it.
199
00:16:01,407 --> 00:16:04,524
Like what? Add a conservatory or a nice patio?
200
00:16:04,687 --> 00:16:10,205
- At least weve got a roof over our heads.
- And 14 other families!
201
00:16:10,367 --> 00:16:13,564
Im going to change the babys nappy.
202
00:16:14,967 --> 00:16:17,527
(D00R SLAMS)
203
00:16:18,687 --> 00:16:23,397
- I think shes really excited about it.
- Who wouldnt be?
204
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:25,080
Yeah.
205
00:16:25,247 --> 00:16:28,444
Ill go and calm her down a bit.
206
00:16:33,327 --> 00:16:38,117
You all right, sweetheart? All right, Raquel.
207
00:16:38,287 --> 00:16:43,520
I dont blame you for having the rats.
Its enough to give Harry Secombe the hump.
208
00:16:43,687 --> 00:16:46,565
But Ill soon have some cash on the hip.
209
00:16:46,727 --> 00:16:50,037
- You think this is about money?
- What is it about?
210
00:16:50,207 --> 00:16:54,166
God! I havent been out of this flat for months.
211
00:16:54,327 --> 00:16:58,957
- You go shopping three times a week.
- Not shopping. I mean going out.
212
00:16:59,127 --> 00:17:02,563
And last year I decorated our babys room.
213
00:17:02,727 --> 00:17:06,766
- Blinding job you made of it.
- Thank you. You got some carpet.
214
00:17:06,927 --> 00:17:09,839
- It didnt fit, but...
- Im on the lookout.
215
00:17:10,007 --> 00:17:13,682
And our baby had his own room -
warm, cosy, safe.
216
00:17:13,847 --> 00:17:19,399
Then three months ago you moved Damien
in with us and filled his room with junk!
217
00:17:19,567 --> 00:17:22,764
That is not junk, Raquel. That is my stock.
218
00:17:22,927 --> 00:17:27,364
- Same thing.
- Raquel, you dont seem to understand.
219
00:17:27,527 --> 00:17:31,998
Someone broke into the garage
and nicked half my junk... stock.
220
00:17:32,167 --> 00:17:34,840
Thats why I brought the rest up here.
221
00:17:35,007 --> 00:17:38,044
Del, hasnt it dawned on you yet?
222
00:17:38,207 --> 00:17:43,361
All you have in that room
is what the thieves left behind.
223
00:17:43,527 --> 00:17:49,124
How the hell do you hope to sell it
when burglars wouldnt take it for free?!
224
00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:57,921
150 Bros LPs.
225
00:17:58,087 --> 00:18:02,638
Fashion changes so fast in the pop world,
I was taken unawares.
226
00:18:02,807 --> 00:18:06,766
275 Free Nelson Mandela T-shirts.
227
00:18:08,527 --> 00:18:14,079
I bought these on the Thursday
and by Saturday he was out on parole.
228
00:18:14,247 --> 00:18:17,319
How was I to know that?
229
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:23,759
Charles and Di wedding plates.
230
00:18:25,167 --> 00:18:28,364
Nothing that a good sorting-out wouldnt cure.
231
00:18:28,527 --> 00:18:33,123
Nine-carat identity bracelet inscribed with Gary.
232
00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:38,718
We got a box of mens wigs
that you bought before Damien was born.
233
00:18:38,887 --> 00:18:42,516
50 pirated versions of The Poseidon Adventure -
234
00:18:42,687 --> 00:18:45,155
all on Betamax.
235
00:18:45,327 --> 00:18:47,795
200 litres of Romanian Riesling.
236
00:18:50,327 --> 00:18:53,160
Clear it out, Del. Dump it on your allotment.
237
00:18:53,327 --> 00:18:56,160
Give the room back to our baby.
238
00:18:56,327 --> 00:19:00,115
But whos to say I wont sell all this tomorrow?
239
00:19:00,287 --> 00:19:05,520
What are the chances of you meeting
a bald, anti-apartheid, diving Bros fan
240
00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:11,159
who has a Betamax video, likes Romanian
Riesling and whose name is Gary?!
241
00:19:15,527 --> 00:19:18,041
All right. Ill clear it out.
242
00:19:18,207 --> 00:19:22,280
That would cheer me up.
Ill be a happy woman again.
243
00:19:22,447 --> 00:19:25,439
Yeah. You wait till you see our mortgage.
244
00:19:30,327 --> 00:19:35,879
Dear Lord, please let me prove to you
that wealth wont spoil me.
245
00:19:38,847 --> 00:19:42,556
- Raquel said to help you clear this room.
- Thats right.
246
00:19:42,727 --> 00:19:45,799
Were gonna get rid of it. Make a clean start.
247
00:19:45,967 --> 00:19:51,599
- Not the wine? You could flog that to Mike.
- No, I cant. Hes a good friend.
248
00:19:51,767 --> 00:19:54,361
- And hes tasted it.
- Yeah.
249
00:19:56,447 --> 00:19:58,961
What did you buy that thing for?
250
00:19:59,127 --> 00:20:05,316
It was for you, so you could go down
and visit all the ships that you sailed in!
251
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:12,758
I read in some Sunday supplement
that diving was all the go with yuppies.
252
00:20:12,927 --> 00:20:15,600
- They meant scuba...
- Uh?
253
00:20:15,767 --> 00:20:20,557
- Dont matter.
- Seems a shame to throw it all away.
254
00:20:20,727 --> 00:20:24,037
We cant put it in the garage. It aint safe.
255
00:20:24,207 --> 00:20:26,437
- What about Grandads shed?
- What shed?
256
00:20:26,607 --> 00:20:29,121
The one on his allotment - your allotment.
257
00:20:29,287 --> 00:20:33,997
Yeah. Youre right.
We could pug it all away in there.
258
00:20:34,167 --> 00:20:40,276
Tell you what well do. Ill go and open the van.
You two bring all this stuff down.
259
00:20:57,447 --> 00:21:02,282
- What do you reckon, then?
- What do I reckon?
260
00:21:02,447 --> 00:21:07,760
The last time I saw a place like this
was in that film Gorillas In The Mist!
261
00:21:07,927 --> 00:21:11,840
Its a jungle. Gawd knows what lives in there.
262
00:21:12,007 --> 00:21:14,043
- Del!
- Gordon Bennett!
263
00:21:14,207 --> 00:21:17,324
Albert, you nearly gave me a connery!
264
00:21:18,607 --> 00:21:22,600
I could have sworn I saw a blowpipe
and a poison dart.
265
00:21:22,767 --> 00:21:26,760
Have you seen all that rubbish
thats been dumped round there?
266
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:32,758
This is ruining my shoes... Gawd, look at this lot!
267
00:21:32,927 --> 00:21:37,762
- Dear, oh dear. What are these drums doing?
- I dont know, but theyre full.
268
00:21:37,927 --> 00:21:41,203
- I wonder whats in them.
- Theres one open here.
269
00:21:41,367 --> 00:21:44,040
Some sort of yellow stuff.
270
00:21:45,047 --> 00:21:47,845
Gor blimey! Smell that.
271
00:21:49,007 --> 00:21:52,556
- What is that?
- I dont know. It could be toxic.
272
00:21:52,727 --> 00:21:55,719
Yeah. Could be bloody poisonous an all.
273
00:21:58,647 --> 00:22:01,764
Del Boy! Dave!
274
00:22:02,767 --> 00:22:05,201
Do you fancy sweeping this lot up?
275
00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:09,724
- Im not a road sweeper any more.
- What are you? A piano tuner?
276
00:22:09,887 --> 00:22:14,119
- Im an environmental hygienist.
- What do they do?
277
00:22:14,287 --> 00:22:16,562
They sweep the roads.
278
00:22:18,367 --> 00:22:25,205
- The council have upgraded me.
- Perhaps Trigger knows what this is.
279
00:22:25,367 --> 00:22:28,837
Trigger couldnt find his way
out of a telephone box!
280
00:22:29,007 --> 00:22:33,762
He may have come across it on his rounds.
Have a look, Trig.
281
00:22:35,287 --> 00:22:38,085
(SNIFFS)
282
00:22:38,247 --> 00:22:41,239
Its some sort of yellow stuff.
283
00:22:43,727 --> 00:22:48,562
- You were bloody right. Hes got it spot on.
- No hesitation.
284
00:22:48,727 --> 00:22:54,962
You have got to get rid of this stuff.
This is the environmental health hazard.
285
00:22:55,127 --> 00:22:58,324
Well pour it down the drain, then.
286
00:22:58,487 --> 00:23:03,959
You cant pour it down a sewer!
It might be volatile. You could have sh...
287
00:23:04,127 --> 00:23:06,641
You could create a disaster area.
288
00:23:06,807 --> 00:23:11,119
Theres a 24-hour waste-disposal depot
down Stanford Road.
289
00:23:11,287 --> 00:23:14,597
Thats a good idea. Thanks, Trig.
290
00:23:14,767 --> 00:23:18,885
- We can get these in the back of the van.
- No.
291
00:23:21,527 --> 00:23:24,519
How am I going to get rid of them, then?
292
00:23:24,687 --> 00:23:28,236
- (H0RN H0NKS)
- Del Boy!
293
00:23:29,927 --> 00:23:32,236
Rodney!
294
00:23:33,607 --> 00:23:35,086
Denzil.
295
00:23:38,407 --> 00:23:42,366
Denzil, lets get these drums
in the back of your van.
296
00:23:42,527 --> 00:23:45,837
Ang on, not so fast. What are these things?
297
00:23:46,007 --> 00:23:51,127
Its nothing to worry about. Its just some gunge.
298
00:23:51,287 --> 00:23:54,199
Gunge? What sort of gunge?
299
00:23:54,367 --> 00:23:58,406
What sort of gunge? Gunge is gunge, innit?
300
00:23:58,567 --> 00:24:04,517
Hang on, Trig. For all we know,
this could be anything. It could be Concorde fuel.
301
00:24:04,687 --> 00:24:07,759
No, its not Concorde fuel.
302
00:24:07,927 --> 00:24:11,363
Its antifreeze out of the Starship Enterprise.
303
00:24:11,527 --> 00:24:15,520
Itll be battery acid out of Thunderbird Three next!
304
00:24:16,527 --> 00:24:22,682
Look, do you want this contract or not,
because I am a busy man, right?
305
00:24:22,847 --> 00:24:25,236
Ive got things to do.
306
00:24:25,407 --> 00:24:29,082
How can we be certain
that this stuff isnt dangerous?
307
00:24:29,247 --> 00:24:33,320
Because it is not and that is the truth! Cor dear!
308
00:24:34,527 --> 00:24:37,837
Youve heard it from the horses mouth.
Get that end.
309
00:24:38,007 --> 00:24:43,604
What do you mean?
Thats Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein!
310
00:24:43,767 --> 00:24:46,235
Del knows what hes talking about.
311
00:24:46,407 --> 00:24:50,002
And whats the Beatles manager got to do with it?
312
00:24:52,287 --> 00:24:53,606
What?
313
00:24:53,767 --> 00:24:57,646
When we was at school,
Del was the best at chemistry.
314
00:24:57,807 --> 00:25:01,561
He used to make fireworks.
He blew up the science lab.
315
00:25:01,727 --> 00:25:05,800
Yes, I remember.
I was doing detention in there at the time!
316
00:25:05,967 --> 00:25:08,686
And he dont know what hes talking about?
317
00:25:08,847 --> 00:25:12,601
- Thats it, Del. I am not touching them!
- Denzil!
318
00:25:12,767 --> 00:25:16,726
Its harmless. To prove it, Ill help you carry it.
319
00:25:16,887 --> 00:25:19,720
I cant say fairer than that, can I?
320
00:25:19,887 --> 00:25:23,880
- It cant be dangerous.
- How can you be sure?
321
00:25:24,047 --> 00:25:27,244
Cause Dels just offered to help us carry em.
322
00:25:29,287 --> 00:25:31,596
Yeah. All right, Trig.
323
00:25:41,367 --> 00:25:44,677
Lovely jubbly!
324
00:25:55,367 --> 00:25:59,565
- Its closed.
- Well, its a bit late, innit?
325
00:26:01,367 --> 00:26:06,202
A bit late? You said it was open 24 hours a day.
326
00:26:06,367 --> 00:26:08,835
Yeah, but not at night.
327
00:26:15,127 --> 00:26:22,397
So what do we do now? Weve got 6,000
gallons of something in the back of my van.
328
00:26:22,567 --> 00:26:26,446
We could take it down
the other council depot I worked at.
329
00:26:26,607 --> 00:26:29,280
- Is it open?
- No.
330
00:26:29,447 --> 00:26:33,679
Whats the point of taking it there
if thats not open either?
331
00:26:33,847 --> 00:26:38,602
It soon will be open.
Ive got a spare set of keys here.
332
00:26:38,767 --> 00:26:42,555
- Bloody hell!
- Are you sure this is all right?
333
00:26:42,727 --> 00:26:44,922
- Who cares?
- No problem.
334
00:26:45,087 --> 00:26:47,965
- Back up, Denzil.
- But is it legal?
335
00:26:48,127 --> 00:26:52,120
Yes! Just back up, will you, Denzil?
336
00:26:52,287 --> 00:26:55,085
Stone me! Its bloody hot in here!
337
00:26:57,007 --> 00:27:00,761
I cant see the fascination with this diving lark.
338
00:27:11,847 --> 00:27:16,967
There you are.
Arent you glad you listened to me tonight?
339
00:27:17,967 --> 00:27:23,758
These are austere times. If it hadnt been for me,
you would have lost a contract.
340
00:27:23,927 --> 00:27:27,158
- I suppose youre right.
- No suppose so about it.
341
00:27:27,327 --> 00:27:31,400
- Right. Thats 50 quid I owe you.
- 0we me?!
342
00:27:31,567 --> 00:27:36,516
Yes. Im not going to ask you to do this
as a favour, even if you want to.
343
00:27:36,687 --> 00:27:41,317
- Yeah, but I thought...
- Dont try and persuade me, Denzil.
344
00:27:41,487 --> 00:27:47,244
Im going to see you for that money.
Hed do anything for anyone, this bloke.
345
00:27:47,407 --> 00:27:52,845
- Thats what mates are all about.
- Course it is. Gets you right here.
346
00:27:53,007 --> 00:27:57,603
Youre down in my book, Denzil.
Shant forget tonight.
347
00:27:59,167 --> 00:28:01,556
Same here!
348
00:28:05,487 --> 00:28:09,321
Thanks for everything.
See you, Denzil. See you, Trig.
349
00:28:09,487 --> 00:28:11,478
Night, Del.
350
00:28:24,807 --> 00:28:28,880
- Whats this?
- You know that bloke Myles?
351
00:28:29,967 --> 00:28:36,156
What, the one whats done really well
and become a millionaire in two poxy years?
352
00:28:36,327 --> 00:28:41,162
- Yeah. This is one of his places.
- What are we doing here?
353
00:28:41,327 --> 00:28:45,002
- Cassy asked me to get a bit of shopping.
- Shopping?
354
00:28:45,167 --> 00:28:48,204
Yeah. For dinner tonight.
355
00:28:50,207 --> 00:28:55,725
Hey, listen, whats the point of getting married
and then doing the shopping yourself?
356
00:28:55,887 --> 00:28:58,037
- No wonder you got problems.
- 0i!
357
00:28:58,207 --> 00:29:01,165
- Keep your nose out of my business.
- All right.
358
00:29:06,287 --> 00:29:09,597
- Cor blimey, it dont alf pen and ink.
- Sshh!
359
00:29:09,767 --> 00:29:13,555
Thats the fertiliser and the manu...
and the other things.
360
00:29:13,727 --> 00:29:17,640
Every single item has been grown
the way nature intended.
361
00:29:17,807 --> 00:29:22,597
0h, yeah? That must be very nice
for you and Cassandra.
362
00:29:22,767 --> 00:29:28,842
To have dinner knowing everything
on your plate was once under a pile of horse shit.
363
00:29:29,007 --> 00:29:33,478
- Ill get the shopping and well be off.
- Hurry up.
364
00:29:33,647 --> 00:29:36,878
You seen the price of these spuds?
365
00:29:37,047 --> 00:29:42,724
Yeah. You pay the extra cause theyre organic.
Theres no E120 additives in these foods.
366
00:29:42,887 --> 00:29:47,119
E120s? What are you talking about, E120s?
367
00:29:47,287 --> 00:29:51,565
Before you met Cassandra,
you thought an E120 was a bus!
368
00:29:51,727 --> 00:29:56,278
Whats this, look? Sprout tops?
369
00:29:56,447 --> 00:29:59,484
28 pence a pound! Urgh!
370
00:30:00,647 --> 00:30:04,481
Look at the price of these carrots. I tell you...
371
00:30:07,487 --> 00:30:13,084
Whats this? This is water, innit?
Water at 65 pence a bottle?!
372
00:30:13,247 --> 00:30:17,081
Mind your own business. Cassandra and I like it.
373
00:30:17,247 --> 00:30:22,446
Well, well. Maybe shell like this more.
Its only 72 pence a bottle!
374
00:30:22,607 --> 00:30:26,316
Is this what people
are spending their money on nowadays?
375
00:30:26,487 --> 00:30:29,638
Yeah. Its one of the few growth industries.
376
00:30:29,807 --> 00:30:32,367
Is it? Is it really?
377
00:30:32,527 --> 00:30:35,280
- Rodney!
- Myles.
378
00:30:38,847 --> 00:30:41,315
- How are you doing?
- Good. Yourself?
379
00:30:41,487 --> 00:30:46,038
Fine. Myles, this is my brother, Derek.
Del, this is Myles.
380
00:30:46,207 --> 00:30:50,485
- Pleased to meet you, son.
- And you. What do you think?
381
00:30:50,647 --> 00:30:55,437
- In one word: Impressed.
- In one word: Bloody expensive.
382
00:30:55,607 --> 00:30:57,404
- Expensive?
- Yeah.
383
00:30:57,567 --> 00:31:02,800
Look at the price of your spuds and carrots,
not to mention your sprout tops!
384
00:31:02,967 --> 00:31:05,527
Water - 72 pence a bottle?
385
00:31:05,687 --> 00:31:12,240
It comes from the most natural sources
in Britain - and Switzerland, France and Italy.
386
00:31:12,407 --> 00:31:16,195
Im a founder member of the SWANS Committee.
387
00:31:16,367 --> 00:31:20,440
Swans? Them big white duck things?
388
00:31:20,607 --> 00:31:23,075
No, Del. Its an acronym.
389
00:31:24,327 --> 00:31:26,636
0h, thats what I thought.
390
00:31:26,807 --> 00:31:32,086
- I was about to say thats an an-acronym.
- And youd have been right.
391
00:31:32,247 --> 00:31:36,126
- Yeah. What do you feed them on?
- Feed what on?
392
00:31:36,287 --> 00:31:39,040
Your an-acronyms.
393
00:31:39,207 --> 00:31:42,199
Del, its not a duck or a goose or nothing.
394
00:31:42,367 --> 00:31:47,122
An acronym is a name made out
of the initials of another set of words.
395
00:31:47,287 --> 00:31:51,405
0h, yeah! That an-acronym. Yeah.
396
00:31:52,527 --> 00:31:57,317
Ive got to rush, Rodney. Its been... Its been real.
397
00:31:57,487 --> 00:31:59,557
See ya.
398
00:32:00,887 --> 00:32:03,355
Big bloody ducks!
399
00:32:06,767 --> 00:32:08,405
You what?
400
00:32:08,567 --> 00:32:14,039
Del, SWANS are the initials of the
Spa Water And Natural Spring Committee.
401
00:32:14,207 --> 00:32:19,327
Myles is the vice-president.
He dishes out all the certificates of purity.
402
00:32:19,487 --> 00:32:23,719
Without his signature,
none of these companies can sell their goods.
403
00:32:23,887 --> 00:32:27,402
Cant help but admire him. Hes going places.
404
00:32:27,567 --> 00:32:30,718
With a name like Myles, hes bound to!
405
00:32:32,367 --> 00:32:34,358
Cabbage.
406
00:32:42,287 --> 00:32:47,680
- It shows what a bit of hard work can do.
- Gives you a warm feeling, dont it?
407
00:32:47,847 --> 00:32:52,637
Whats aching muscles and blisters
when youre confronted with a vision like this?
408
00:32:52,807 --> 00:32:55,799
I know what you mean, Del.
409
00:32:55,967 --> 00:33:00,199
Look at that, its 12 oclock. 0i, you two!
410
00:33:01,927 --> 00:33:05,237
Go and get a bite to eat. You deserve it.
411
00:33:09,567 --> 00:33:12,559
- Back in an hour, Del.
- No rush, Trig.
412
00:33:12,727 --> 00:33:17,323
- Well never get this finished today.
- Theres always tomorrow.
413
00:33:17,487 --> 00:33:20,285
See you in an hour, then. Ta-ra.
414
00:33:27,207 --> 00:33:29,675
All right, Dave?
415
00:33:33,887 --> 00:33:36,606
- Whats your bloody game?
- Whats up?
416
00:33:36,767 --> 00:33:41,477
Myles has just phoned to confirm
his appointment with you.
417
00:33:41,647 --> 00:33:43,956
Good. Hes on his way, then.
418
00:33:44,127 --> 00:33:47,722
- Whats your game, Del?
- Hm?
419
00:33:47,887 --> 00:33:50,606
Nothing, Rodders. Nothing.
420
00:33:50,767 --> 00:33:56,000
No. Its just that after our visit
to Myless place last week,
421
00:33:56,167 --> 00:33:58,761
something happened to me, Rodney.
422
00:33:58,927 --> 00:34:01,521
It came like a blinding flash of light.
423
00:34:01,687 --> 00:34:07,045
It was like... It was like St Pauls journey
on the road to Tabascus.
424
00:34:08,207 --> 00:34:12,359
These rough hands are gonna feed
my woman and my child, Rodney.
425
00:34:12,527 --> 00:34:17,203
- Im a born-again gardener!
- Youve never done gardening in your life.
426
00:34:17,367 --> 00:34:22,441
Its been a bit awkward 12 floors up
on a tower block! But nows me chance!
427
00:34:22,607 --> 00:34:25,679
Del, to you,
a King Edward is something you smoke.
428
00:34:25,847 --> 00:34:29,635
The only thing hes ever grown is a beard.
429
00:34:29,807 --> 00:34:32,446
You dont know anything about gardening.
430
00:34:32,607 --> 00:34:35,724
I know, but I know a man who does.
431
00:34:35,887 --> 00:34:40,563
Thats why I gave Myles a bell.
He didnt seem to mind.
432
00:34:40,727 --> 00:34:46,120
No, itd be in his interests.
He can flog you his fertilisers.
433
00:34:46,287 --> 00:34:51,566
Exactly. He helps me and I help him.
Conseil detat as they say in Grenobles.
434
00:34:51,727 --> 00:34:54,560
- (H0NKING)
- Sounds like him now.
435
00:34:54,727 --> 00:34:56,763
Yeah. Look.
436
00:34:58,287 --> 00:35:01,359
Ship ahoy. Ship ahoy, Albert.
437
00:35:02,367 --> 00:35:07,316
- Come here. You know what to do?
- Leave it to me, son.
438
00:35:07,487 --> 00:35:12,845
Just a minute.
Dont go overboard. Nice and easy does it.
439
00:35:13,007 --> 00:35:16,124
All right. 0ff you go.
440
00:35:16,287 --> 00:35:20,075
Myles. How lovely to see you again.
441
00:35:20,247 --> 00:35:23,523
Beautiful day for sowing a turnip, eh?
442
00:35:23,687 --> 00:35:26,884
- Is this it?
- Yes. This is it.
443
00:35:27,047 --> 00:35:33,316
You said you had land. You were talking
about leaving one area to lay fallow.
444
00:35:33,487 --> 00:35:38,720
- No. Its just an allotment.
- Yes, I can see its an allotment.
445
00:35:38,887 --> 00:35:43,438
The thing is, Im new
to all this gardening malarkey
446
00:35:43,607 --> 00:35:46,883
and I thought you, being a friend, could advise.
447
00:35:47,047 --> 00:35:50,483
Rodney tells me youre the kiddy
for organic swede.
448
00:35:50,647 --> 00:35:55,118
And anything I need will be bought
from your garden centre.
449
00:35:55,287 --> 00:35:58,438
Yes. 0K. Fine.
450
00:35:59,807 --> 00:36:04,801
- Are you working with compost?
- No. I think it must be his pipe.
451
00:36:07,647 --> 00:36:12,004
- No. Do you have a compost heap?
- 0h, I see what you mean.
452
00:36:12,167 --> 00:36:15,796
Not yet, but Im keeping me eye open for one.
453
00:36:15,967 --> 00:36:20,438
Yes. First we have to ascertain
what kind of soil you have.
454
00:36:21,807 --> 00:36:23,843
0h.
455
00:36:24,007 --> 00:36:28,319
Well, its... Its this. Its this earthy sort.
456
00:36:28,487 --> 00:36:32,685
There are many varieties of soil, Del. Theres...
457
00:36:34,807 --> 00:36:37,799
Theres all sorts, isnt there, Myles?
458
00:36:37,967 --> 00:36:43,485
- Whats he doing now?
- Hes a gardener. Hes...
459
00:36:46,287 --> 00:36:51,236
- What are you actually doing, Myles?
- Testing for texture and structure.
460
00:36:53,247 --> 00:36:56,205
Watch it. Theres a lot of cats round here.
461
00:36:57,567 --> 00:37:02,960
- Its slightly alkali.
- No, thanks. I had a fry-up earlier on.
462
00:37:04,047 --> 00:37:08,677
Derek, this could take five years
to achieve the perfect crop.
463
00:37:08,847 --> 00:37:13,398
Five years? I thought it would take a long time.
464
00:37:31,367 --> 00:37:35,997
Try a cocktail of fish meal,
dried blood, mushroom compost
465
00:37:36,167 --> 00:37:38,476
and horse and cow manure.
466
00:37:38,647 --> 00:37:41,115
Lovely jubbly!
467
00:37:45,807 --> 00:37:52,042
Well have to talk about crop rotation,
but the first thing is a good digging over.
468
00:37:52,207 --> 00:37:55,995
- Ill get my kit from the car.
- No. Albert will get it.
469
00:37:56,207 --> 00:37:57,765
- Whats that?
- What?
470
00:37:57,927 --> 00:38:00,202
- The water?
- 0h, that is...
471
00:38:01,247 --> 00:38:04,603
That? Thats just the old Peckham spring.
472
00:38:04,767 --> 00:38:09,921
- Rodney, get Myless soil testing kit...
- No, no. Wait a minute.
473
00:38:10,087 --> 00:38:14,603
The Peckham spring? I never realised
there was a spring in Peckham.
474
00:38:14,767 --> 00:38:18,362
Yes. Thats why its called the Peckham spring.
475
00:38:18,527 --> 00:38:24,079
It was in the Domesday Book.
We dont know where it comes from, do we?
476
00:38:24,247 --> 00:38:28,206
No. Its certainly sprung up from somewhere.
477
00:38:30,567 --> 00:38:35,118
Fascinating. A natural urban spring.
This a real discovery.
478
00:38:35,287 --> 00:38:37,437
Is it pure?
479
00:38:37,607 --> 00:38:41,316
No, Myles. Not with alkaline soil.
480
00:38:41,487 --> 00:38:46,561
Ive been drinking that water since
I was a nipper. Never done me any harm.
481
00:38:48,927 --> 00:38:54,240
Dont take no notice of him.
Hes 98 and hes a bit...
482
00:38:56,167 --> 00:38:58,237
- Hes 98?
- Mm.
483
00:38:58,407 --> 00:39:03,640
- Yeah. Isnt he, Rodney?
- Yeah. But only recently.
484
00:39:05,247 --> 00:39:09,320
Would you mind me taking
a sample away for analysis?
485
00:39:09,487 --> 00:39:11,762
- What for?
- To test its purity.
486
00:39:11,927 --> 00:39:16,159
It aint pure, Myles.
Take my word for it, it aint pure.
487
00:39:16,927 --> 00:39:20,522
I think Rodneys right. It cant be pure.
488
00:39:20,687 --> 00:39:24,362
It comes right up from the centre of the earth.
489
00:39:24,527 --> 00:39:30,477
Those rocks filter the water of its impurities
and give it its life-preserving qualities.
490
00:39:30,647 --> 00:39:34,925
- Minerals, Derek.
- Sorry, you lost me, Myles.
491
00:39:35,087 --> 00:39:37,681
It wont take you long to catch up.
492
00:39:38,887 --> 00:39:42,846
- Derek... May I call you Del?
- Mais oui.
493
00:39:43,007 --> 00:39:46,636
Lf, and I must emphasise the word if...
494
00:39:47,767 --> 00:39:51,237
If this water passes our laboratory tests,
495
00:39:51,407 --> 00:39:56,003
there is a strong possibility that we could bottle it.
496
00:39:56,167 --> 00:40:00,365
Sorry, Myles. What do you mean by bottle it.
497
00:40:00,527 --> 00:40:03,564
He means put it into bottles, Del.
498
00:40:03,727 --> 00:40:08,278
I dont expect you to understand
the potential of this water,
499
00:40:08,447 --> 00:40:11,086
so Ill explain it in simple terms.
500
00:40:11,247 --> 00:40:14,444
You have the source - the Peckham spring.
501
00:40:14,607 --> 00:40:17,997
I have the means of selling it through my stores.
502
00:40:18,167 --> 00:40:22,957
If successful, we could expand
to supermarkets and other outlets.
503
00:40:23,127 --> 00:40:30,283
Myles, what youre saying is that
we could bottle this water and then sell it?
504
00:40:31,287 --> 00:40:34,563
By George, I think hes got it.
505
00:40:35,407 --> 00:40:39,958
Its a possibility.
Depending on the results of our tests.
506
00:40:40,127 --> 00:40:44,598
- I need something to take a sample.
- Theres a bucket here.
507
00:40:44,767 --> 00:40:49,682
No. It has to be sterilised.
Ill just nip back to the garden centre.
508
00:40:49,847 --> 00:40:55,365
No need, Myles.
I think Ive got the very thing in my briefcase.
509
00:40:55,527 --> 00:40:57,324
Albert?
510
00:40:57,487 --> 00:41:03,119
I went down to Mothercare this morning
to get my baby a new bottle -
511
00:41:03,287 --> 00:41:05,482
a sterilised bottle.
512
00:41:05,647 --> 00:41:08,036
- Will that do?
- Just the job.
513
00:41:08,207 --> 00:41:11,199
- How olds the baby?
- Nearly two.
514
00:41:11,367 --> 00:41:14,803
Hes slow going on to solids,
but were not worried.
515
00:41:14,967 --> 00:41:19,040
Rodney was three and a half
before he left the breast.
516
00:41:19,207 --> 00:41:23,758
Albert, fill that up with water
from the Peckham spring.
517
00:41:23,927 --> 00:41:27,397
- Dont get any dirt on the bottle.
- Leave it to me.
518
00:41:27,567 --> 00:41:32,595
- I think I should...
- Myles, you talked about crop rotation.
519
00:41:32,767 --> 00:41:37,477
Does that mean Ive got to dig up my spuds
and turn em over?
520
00:41:41,287 --> 00:41:45,519
- What do you want?
- How are you gonna get out of this?
521
00:41:50,527 --> 00:41:56,159
- I dont believe it. Well end up in the nick!
- Not me. Im an old man.
522
00:41:56,327 --> 00:41:58,636
- Rotate them as well?
- Yes.
523
00:41:58,807 --> 00:42:01,196
- Here he is.
- That all right, son?
524
00:42:01,367 --> 00:42:04,518
Yes. Ill get that off to the lab this afternoon.
525
00:42:04,687 --> 00:42:07,759
- Now... beans and carrots.
- Eh?
526
00:42:07,927 --> 00:42:12,205
- Growing beans and carrots.
- 0h, yes!
527
00:42:12,367 --> 00:42:18,363
Ive gone off the idea of growing vegetables.
Lets have a pint. Come on.
528
00:42:50,767 --> 00:42:55,397
- I think its a miracle.
- Yup. It certainly is a miracle, Rodney.
529
00:42:55,567 --> 00:43:01,278
0ur dear mums smiling down on us,
making sure her little lads dont starve.
530
00:43:01,447 --> 00:43:06,396
No. Its a miracle weve been doing this
for three weeks and were not banged up!
531
00:43:06,567 --> 00:43:10,560
- We aint doing nothing illegal.
- Nothing illegal?!
532
00:43:10,727 --> 00:43:13,480
We are selling public water to the public!
533
00:43:13,647 --> 00:43:19,517
Youre wrong. This water used to be public
but Maggie privatised it, didnt she?
534
00:43:19,687 --> 00:43:22,759
It now belongs to a board of directors.
535
00:43:22,927 --> 00:43:27,523
They sell it to us, we sell it on.
Were just repackaging it.
536
00:43:27,687 --> 00:43:31,362
Its like Esso - they buy oil from Kuwait,
537
00:43:31,527 --> 00:43:35,645
repackage it and sell it on as petrol.
Its not illegal.
538
00:43:35,807 --> 00:43:40,517
What about the Trades Descriptions Act?
It aint from a spring.
539
00:43:40,687 --> 00:43:45,283
Sainsburys sell runner beans,
but they aint been round the track!
540
00:43:46,967 --> 00:43:51,643
What about the claim on the label?
From an ancient and natural source.
541
00:43:51,807 --> 00:43:56,244
The Thames. Cant be
more ancient and natural than that.
542
00:43:56,407 --> 00:44:02,004
Anyway, we got a certificate from SWANS
saying its some of their finest water.
543
00:44:02,167 --> 00:44:07,764
Because what they analysed werent this.
It was Malvern or Buxton water.
544
00:44:07,927 --> 00:44:10,646
Will you stop splitting hairs?
545
00:44:10,807 --> 00:44:17,280
Peckham Spring is Myless biggest seller.
Hes doubled his order twice.
546
00:44:17,447 --> 00:44:20,917
Go and see how Raquels getting on.
547
00:44:26,167 --> 00:44:28,681
Im surprised youd be party to this.
548
00:44:28,847 --> 00:44:35,161
Im doing it purely for the man I love.
Ill claim a crime of passion... or insanity.
549
00:44:35,327 --> 00:44:37,795
You havent turned the money down.
550
00:44:37,967 --> 00:44:41,277
To make it easier on Del
when the case goes to court.
551
00:44:41,447 --> 00:44:45,486
The less he makes,
the lighter his sentencell be.
552
00:44:45,647 --> 00:44:50,675
It may look like Im sharing the profits,
but Im halving the guilt.
553
00:44:50,847 --> 00:44:53,236
That is true brotherly love.
554
00:44:53,407 --> 00:44:58,925
- Id almost give you one of me medals.
- Shut up!
555
00:45:05,607 --> 00:45:08,997
- I see Peckham Springs selling well.
- What?
556
00:45:09,167 --> 00:45:14,241
I had lunch at the wine bar.
The waiter says its their most popular brand.
557
00:45:14,407 --> 00:45:19,242
- It has got a taste of its own.
- Yeah? Its called fluoride.
558
00:45:19,407 --> 00:45:23,241
- Sorry?
- I said, its got to be tried.
559
00:45:23,407 --> 00:45:28,686
- Yeah. Everyones buying it. Its on trial.
- Trial? What do you mean?
560
00:45:29,687 --> 00:45:33,202
Myles said a major supermarket is giving it a trial.
561
00:45:33,367 --> 00:45:35,437
Yeah. Thats right.
562
00:45:35,607 --> 00:45:38,485
- Are you 0K?
- Yeah. Fine.
563
00:45:38,647 --> 00:45:43,596
If youre still worried about...
The doctor said, Dont be uptight.
564
00:45:43,767 --> 00:45:46,327
Its got nothing to do with that!
565
00:45:46,487 --> 00:45:51,880
Look, Cass... If I tell you a secret,
do you promise never to tell a soul?
566
00:45:52,047 --> 00:45:55,039
Cross my heart. Go on, what is it?
567
00:45:57,287 --> 00:46:01,166
- You know Peckham Spring?
- What about it?
568
00:46:01,327 --> 00:46:04,125
Its tap water.
569
00:46:05,127 --> 00:46:08,597
- Tap water?
- Yeah. Tap water.
570
00:46:08,767 --> 00:46:13,761
- What do you mean, tap water?
- Well... Water from a tap.
571
00:46:14,767 --> 00:46:20,239
- From a tap? What tap?
- The one in Dels kitchen.
572
00:46:22,607 --> 00:46:26,600
- Youre kidding. Tell me youre joking.
- No. Really.
573
00:46:26,767 --> 00:46:32,558
He just gets a bottle, puts it under the tap,
fills it up and sells it for 45 pence.
574
00:46:32,727 --> 00:46:39,280
- 0h, my God! God help us!
- Dont panic. Its got nothing to do with you.
575
00:46:39,447 --> 00:46:45,044
Nothing to do with me? Where do you think
he got the capital to buy all those bottles?
576
00:46:45,207 --> 00:46:49,359
And the money to pay Daddy
for printing his labels?
577
00:46:49,527 --> 00:46:53,315
- You?!
- Yes. He came to the bank for a loan.
578
00:46:53,487 --> 00:46:56,684
And you gave it to him?
579
00:46:56,847 --> 00:47:02,319
Im in charge of small-business investment
and this seemed to have a future -
580
00:47:02,487 --> 00:47:08,278
a natural spring that had received
a certificate of purity from Myles.
581
00:47:08,447 --> 00:47:12,406
- And you believed Del?
- No. I believed you!
582
00:47:12,567 --> 00:47:17,925
Del told me not to tell anyone.
Why didnt you tell me youd given him money?
583
00:47:18,087 --> 00:47:23,081
Thats confidential information
between the bank and its client.
584
00:47:23,247 --> 00:47:26,557
Now you know. What are you gonna do?
585
00:47:26,727 --> 00:47:30,845
Ive got no choice. Ill have to keep quiet about it.
586
00:47:31,007 --> 00:47:35,000
- Really?
- I just promised you I wouldnt tell a soul.
587
00:47:36,167 --> 00:47:39,682
If I told the bank, Id lose my promotion.
588
00:47:39,847 --> 00:47:44,602
I dont fancy driving to Wormwood Scrubs
every Sunday to visit you.
589
00:47:44,767 --> 00:47:51,559
Is selling water illegal? I was charged
20 pence in the garage to fill up my radiator.
590
00:47:51,727 --> 00:47:54,082
Dels kept up the repayments.
591
00:47:54,247 --> 00:47:58,604
- And youre earning lots of money.
- Ive never been so well off.
592
00:47:58,767 --> 00:48:02,840
But there are geological aspects coming into play.
593
00:48:03,007 --> 00:48:06,317
We are taking thousands of gallons every week.
594
00:48:06,487 --> 00:48:11,959
The water board think
theyve got a major underground leak!
595
00:48:13,487 --> 00:48:18,322
Its the middle of winter
and the papers are issuing drought warnings!
596
00:48:19,687 --> 00:48:25,319
So people are going out
and panic-buying Peckham bloody Spring!
597
00:48:25,487 --> 00:48:28,797
So we take more water to stay up with demand
598
00:48:28,967 --> 00:48:34,678
and some prat has advised him
to advertise on local radio.
599
00:48:37,607 --> 00:48:39,916
You? Why?!
600
00:48:40,087 --> 00:48:43,318
Dels my client. Its my job to advise him.
601
00:48:43,487 --> 00:48:48,038
You are not dealing with a normal person.
This is Derek Trotter!
602
00:48:48,207 --> 00:48:51,358
He is sucking the land dry!
603
00:48:52,767 --> 00:48:57,761
Im expecting a visit from Lenny Henry
and Bob Geldof any minute!
604
00:49:05,167 --> 00:49:09,638
Personally, Ive always believed
in powdered rhino horn...
605
00:49:13,207 --> 00:49:15,880
Raquel!
606
00:49:16,047 --> 00:49:18,003
Ah.
607
00:49:18,167 --> 00:49:21,762
I was ever so happy to hear your good news.
608
00:49:21,927 --> 00:49:26,159
It must be lovely coming into money
after all these years.
609
00:49:26,327 --> 00:49:30,206
- Were enjoying it.
- I bet you are.
610
00:49:30,367 --> 00:49:33,484
You can come to my coffee mornings now.
611
00:49:33,647 --> 00:49:36,844
- Thank you.
- See you in a minute. Im bursting.
612
00:49:37,007 --> 00:49:39,805
- Youre not the only one.
- Garden party next!
613
00:49:39,967 --> 00:49:42,561
I hear business is booming, Rodney.
614
00:49:42,727 --> 00:49:45,844
Yeah, Peckham Springs selling hand over foot.
615
00:49:46,007 --> 00:49:49,716
I find it hard to believe
that someone with Dels attitude
616
00:49:49,887 --> 00:49:53,084
could suddenly become so professional.
617
00:49:53,247 --> 00:49:56,159
He just never had a chance to prove it.
618
00:49:56,327 --> 00:50:00,764
If he hadnt cleared up the allotment,
hed never have found the spring.
619
00:50:00,927 --> 00:50:06,524
How come he cleared it up?
Hes no Alan Titmarsh. A bit of a tit, maybe.
620
00:50:07,407 --> 00:50:10,319
We all go through many changes.
621
00:50:10,487 --> 00:50:15,277
Del just became aware
of the damage we are doing to Mother Earth.
622
00:50:15,447 --> 00:50:19,725
I suppose that summons from the council helped!
623
00:50:19,887 --> 00:50:24,517
Yeah. At least he got experts
to get rid of them drums of chemicals.
624
00:50:24,687 --> 00:50:28,282
Since when have Denzil and Trigger
been experts?
625
00:50:28,447 --> 00:50:33,282
Denzil and Trig...? He told me he used specialists.
626
00:50:33,447 --> 00:50:37,122
Trigger could be considered to be a specialist.
627
00:50:37,287 --> 00:50:41,599
Trigger still dont know
which end of the dart to throw!
628
00:50:41,767 --> 00:50:46,716
I mean, he could dispose of them drums
at the Environmental Waste Unit.
629
00:50:46,887 --> 00:50:51,199
- Denzil said they chucked them in a pond!
- In a pond?!
630
00:50:51,367 --> 00:50:54,837
- In a pond.
- Wait till I see Del.
631
00:50:56,927 --> 00:51:00,920
- Where are Denzil and Trigger?
- Aint seen them for weeks.
632
00:51:02,687 --> 00:51:08,922
What do you think to this Peckham Spring lark?
Knowing Del, it probably comes out of a tap!
633
00:51:09,087 --> 00:51:12,966
Dont be silly, Boycie. Ive seen the certificate.
634
00:51:13,127 --> 00:51:18,121
Im even buying the stuff.
You dont think Im stupid, do you?
635
00:51:19,087 --> 00:51:22,966
- In a pond?
- Yeah. You wait till Del gets back.
636
00:51:23,127 --> 00:51:28,679
No arguments tonight. Its the first time
weve all been happy for ages.
637
00:51:28,847 --> 00:51:31,600
All right. Ill have him tomorrow, though.
638
00:51:36,127 --> 00:51:40,757
Rodders, tomorrow well go down the allotment
and clear out the shed.
639
00:51:40,927 --> 00:51:44,920
What do we want with Bros LPs
and Romanian Riesling, eh?
640
00:51:45,087 --> 00:51:49,205
- 0r those wigs.
- I dont know why I bought them wigs.
641
00:51:49,367 --> 00:51:52,439
- A wig saved my life once.
- Yeah.
642
00:51:52,607 --> 00:51:57,362
- Clear it out and dump it somewhere.
- Yeah. But not in a pond.
643
00:51:57,527 --> 00:52:01,486
- In a pond? Whats he going on about?
- I dont know.
644
00:52:01,647 --> 00:52:05,720
- How did a wig save your life?
- 0h... Tell her.
645
00:52:05,887 --> 00:52:10,438
- Youve got a mouth and a half on you.
- Im interested.
646
00:52:10,607 --> 00:52:13,485
Its bound to have happened during the war.
647
00:52:13,647 --> 00:52:18,118
- It might not have.
- During the war...
648
00:52:18,287 --> 00:52:24,283
During the war, I was on a corvette
out in the Pacific fighting the Japs.
649
00:52:24,447 --> 00:52:28,838
My old skipper, Captain Kenworthy,
used to wear a wig.
650
00:52:29,007 --> 00:52:34,240
Couldnt tell, though, except in rough seas
when it used to slide to one side.
651
00:52:34,407 --> 00:52:39,720
0ne day we were attacked by a kamikaze pilot.
Came zooming in towards us.
652
00:52:39,887 --> 00:52:45,917
I said to the skipper,
The way hes carrying on, hell kill himself.
653
00:52:46,087 --> 00:52:49,477
Anyway, he smashed right into us.
654
00:52:49,647 --> 00:52:55,324
There we were, nine of us and the skipper,
marooned with all the lifeboats smashed.
655
00:52:55,487 --> 00:53:00,880
Youre not trying to tell us
that ten of you got on the captains wig?
656
00:53:02,767 --> 00:53:06,521
Dont be facetious. Im talking about heroes.
657
00:53:06,687 --> 00:53:08,723
Whoops. Sorry.
658
00:53:08,887 --> 00:53:14,280
We were washed up on this island
where the natives had never seen a white man.
659
00:53:14,447 --> 00:53:22,206
They were getting very angry.
Captain Kenworthy said, Leave this to me, lads.
660
00:53:22,367 --> 00:53:26,997
He stepped forward, brave as a lion,
and he whipped his wig off!
661
00:53:27,167 --> 00:53:34,005
You should have seen their faces!
He knew theyd never seen a wig before.
662
00:53:34,167 --> 00:53:36,635
Did they make him a god?
663
00:53:36,807 --> 00:53:39,037
No, they killed him.
664
00:53:40,687 --> 00:53:46,159
They thought the wig had magic powers.
They ran off and had a ceremony.
665
00:53:46,327 --> 00:53:50,161
We got picked up by an Australian frigate.
666
00:53:51,527 --> 00:53:54,041
Well, were off home now.
667
00:53:57,727 --> 00:54:01,925
Remember we said when we could afford it,
wed have a weekend away.
668
00:54:02,087 --> 00:54:05,045
- Yeah.
- We can afford it now.
669
00:54:05,207 --> 00:54:08,802
Why dont we go tomorrow night,
just the two of us?
670
00:54:08,967 --> 00:54:13,438
- All alone.
- In a lovely hotel overlooking the sea.
671
00:54:13,607 --> 00:54:19,125
In a king-size bed. You can do
a lot of rolling around in a king-size bed.
672
00:54:19,287 --> 00:54:23,405
- Ive heard a dozen oysters...
- Derek!
673
00:54:24,967 --> 00:54:27,276
- I wont be in tomorrow.
- Why?
674
00:54:27,447 --> 00:54:33,204
Me and Cassandra are going to the seaside
to be on our own. You dont mind?
675
00:54:33,367 --> 00:54:37,485
0f course I dont mind. Thats a great idea.
676
00:54:37,647 --> 00:54:41,117
Yeah. In fact, well come with you. Hold on.
677
00:54:41,287 --> 00:54:46,407
- Do you fancy a weekend at the seaside?
- Take me home, Ill pack.
678
00:54:46,567 --> 00:54:49,035
This calls for a celebration.
679
00:54:50,047 --> 00:54:52,515
Guess what?
680
00:56:40,527 --> 00:56:45,806
- Another glass of champagne, darling?
- I think you could persuade me.
681
00:56:46,807 --> 00:56:51,881
0h, yes. Weve got this in our blood,
havent we, darling?
682
00:56:52,047 --> 00:56:54,641
Well, champagne, certainly.
683
00:56:54,807 --> 00:57:01,724
No. I meant the lifestyle. Didnt I always
promise you a life like this? Didnt I?
684
00:57:02,847 --> 00:57:08,444
Yes, you did. Ive gotta make the most of it
before they put you in prison.
685
00:57:09,527 --> 00:57:12,325
They are not gonna put me in prison.
686
00:57:12,487 --> 00:57:17,766
You gotta do something illegal first.
All Im doing is selling a popular product.
687
00:57:17,927 --> 00:57:23,365
Even the bestest hotels in the world
are selling Peckham Spring.
688
00:57:23,527 --> 00:57:28,043
Were on a winner, darling,
and this is just the beginning.
689
00:57:28,207 --> 00:57:36,444
As for you, itll be Mercedes and Cecil Gee suits
and Lanzarote all the way for you.
690
00:57:36,607 --> 00:57:39,360
You wont know any other life.
691
00:57:39,527 --> 00:57:43,236
Why should you worry, eh?
692
00:57:43,407 --> 00:57:47,798
- Id better put him down.
- Im going to go and see Rodney.
693
00:57:47,967 --> 00:57:52,961
0h, Del, leave them.
Theyre trying to sort their lives out.
694
00:57:53,127 --> 00:57:57,200
Its nine oclock.
They should show more decorum.
695
00:57:59,687 --> 00:58:02,042
- 0i up!
- What are you doing?
696
00:58:02,207 --> 00:58:07,440
Just popped in to see how you was.
Dont get embarrassed.
697
00:58:07,607 --> 00:58:10,360
You got nothing in there thatll frighten me.
698
00:58:12,207 --> 00:58:16,678
- Why have we got interconnecting doors?
- That was my idea.
699
00:58:16,847 --> 00:58:19,759
So we can mingle. All families mingle.
700
00:58:19,927 --> 00:58:26,036
- You pop in more than a gas-meter reader.
- Shut up, you tart.
701
00:58:27,167 --> 00:58:31,558
- Wheres Cassandra?
- Popped into the bathroom half an hour ago.
702
00:58:32,407 --> 00:58:34,796
Those sandwiches were all right, werent they?
703
00:58:34,967 --> 00:58:38,926
Yeah. No. Shes just gone to slip into something.
704
00:58:39,087 --> 00:58:43,558
Half hour ago? Whats she slipped into? A coma?
705
00:58:43,727 --> 00:58:45,718
No. Shes...
706
00:58:47,247 --> 00:58:51,559
- What have you.
- All right. I understand. Dont worry.
707
00:58:52,647 --> 00:58:57,323
Youll be all right, bruv. You just relax, all right?
708
00:58:57,487 --> 00:59:01,765
Dont let yourself get all taut and rigid.
Well, not all of you!
709
00:59:01,927 --> 00:59:04,487
Will you just get out of here?!
710
00:59:04,647 --> 00:59:07,081
- Dont you go listening.
- All right.
711
00:59:07,247 --> 00:59:11,365
Dont make too much noise.
Damiens sleeping in here.
712
00:59:11,527 --> 00:59:14,678
See you in the morning.
713
00:59:26,567 --> 00:59:32,324
Ah. Thats it, babe. You have a lovely warm.
714
00:59:35,767 --> 00:59:40,124
And you dream some lovely dreams. Eh?
715
00:59:42,967 --> 00:59:50,123
You dream about Christmas and all the presents
that Santa Claus is gonna bring you.
716
00:59:52,607 --> 00:59:59,046
Cause a little baby like you is gonna be
right at the top of his VIP list.
717
00:59:59,207 --> 01:00:03,200
When I was a little ankle-biter like you,
718
01:00:03,367 --> 01:00:08,566
all I ever got for Christmas was
an orange and a clump round the earhole.
719
01:00:09,567 --> 01:00:12,240
Still, the orange was nice.
720
01:00:13,767 --> 01:00:16,998
I wish I knew what you was dreaming.
721
01:00:18,647 --> 01:00:22,765
Dont matter. As long as its a happy one.
722
01:00:24,607 --> 01:00:27,075
And Im in it.
723
01:00:36,407 --> 01:00:38,045
Raquel.
724
01:00:43,167 --> 01:00:44,839
Cor...
725
01:00:45,847 --> 01:00:49,726
You look... really nice.
726
01:00:49,887 --> 01:00:52,037
Thank you.
727
01:00:55,727 --> 01:00:59,720
- I love you.
- I love you, Trotter.
728
01:01:06,007 --> 01:01:07,963
Right!
729
01:01:20,367 --> 01:01:22,927
Sorry Ive been so long.
730
01:01:23,087 --> 01:01:27,285
(TV NEWS IN BACKGR0UND)
731
01:01:30,087 --> 01:01:33,079
They say the best things take time.
732
01:02:00,367 --> 01:02:02,961
A late news i'tem.
733
01:02:03,127 --> 01:02:06,199
The London Bor. Ough of Peckham
i's wi'thout water.
734
01:02:06,367 --> 01:02:11,680
After. A local r. Eservoi'r. Was found to be
contami'nated by an unknown chemi'cal.
735
01:02:11,847 --> 01:02:17,080
The dr. Ums of the chemi'cal
wer. E di'scover. Ed late thi's after. Noon
736
01:02:17,247 --> 01:02:21,718
and appear. To have been dumped
i'n the r. Eservoi'r. A month ago.
737
01:02:21,887 --> 01:02:27,564
A spokesper. Son has sai'd that the cutti'ng
of suppli'es i's a pr. Ecauti'onary measur. E
738
01:02:27,727 --> 01:02:30,366
and ther. E i's no need for. Alar.m.
739
01:02:45,327 --> 01:02:49,320
Everythings coming up roses for us now,
sweetheart.
740
01:02:49,487 --> 01:02:53,036
Getting better every day.
741
01:02:54,767 --> 01:02:58,077
And its all thanks to the Peckham spring.
742
01:03:00,367 --> 01:03:06,397
I wouldnt mind betting this time next week,
Ill be in all the papers.
743
01:03:21,127 --> 01:03:24,642
# Weve got some half-price cracked ice
and miles and miles of carpet tiles
744
01:03:24,807 --> 01:03:27,719
# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
745
01:03:27,887 --> 01:03:30,606
# Ball games, gold chains,
whats-their-names and at a push
746
01:03:30,767 --> 01:03:33,725
# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits
from a mush in Shepherds Bush
747
01:03:33,887 --> 01:03:36,447
# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush
748
01:03:36,607 --> 01:03:39,440
# No income tax, no VAT
749
01:03:39,607 --> 01:03:42,804
# No money back, no guarantee
750
01:03:42,967 --> 01:03:45,879
# Black or white, rich or broke
751
01:03:46,047 --> 01:03:50,484
# Well cut prices at a stroke
752
01:03:50,647 --> 01:03:53,480
# God bless Hooky Street!
753
01:03:53,647 --> 01:03:56,525
# Viva Hooky Street!
754
01:03:56,687 --> 01:03:59,201
# Long live Hooky Street!
755
01:03:59,367 --> 01:04:02,677
# Cest magnifique, Hooky Street!
756
01:04:02,847 --> 01:04:05,964
# Magnifique, Hooky Street!
757
01:04:07,407 --> 01:04:09,284
# Hooky Street!
758
01:04:10,607 --> 01:04:13,519
# Hooky Street
759
01:04:13,687 --> 01:04:16,281
# Hooky Street
760
01:04:16,447 --> 01:04:18,836
# Hooky Street #
761
01:04:19,836 --> 01:04:29,836
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