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1
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# Stick a pony in me pocket
2
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# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
3
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# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns
but you don't ask questions
4
00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:19,402
# Then, brother, I'm your man
5
00:00:19,567 --> 00:00:22,718
# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
6
00:00:22,887 --> 00:00:26,880
# It's like the changing of the seasons
and the tides of the sea
7
00:00:27,047 --> 00:00:30,642
# But here's the one what's driving me berserk
8
00:00:30,807 --> 00:00:34,083
# Why do only fools and horses work? #
9
00:00:51,967 --> 00:00:54,765
You'd better get ready for school, Damien.
10
00:00:56,487 --> 00:01:00,116
- I am ready.
- Oh, right.
11
00:01:00,287 --> 00:01:03,006
- All right, Dad?
- Ooh.
12
00:01:03,167 --> 00:01:06,637
- Was that a contraction?
- No. Indigestion.
13
00:01:06,807 --> 00:01:09,560
It was that bacon burger I had for breakfast.
14
00:01:09,727 --> 00:01:12,446
You never used to eat bacon or burgers.
15
00:01:12,607 --> 00:01:17,761
I'm craving bacon now.
Bacon and Rolos - together.
16
00:01:17,927 --> 00:01:21,476
When I was having Damien,
I had a craving for tuna.
17
00:01:21,647 --> 00:01:24,036
Tuna for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
18
00:01:24,207 --> 00:01:28,723
It was horrible. Saying goodnight to her
was like kissing Japan.
19
00:01:28,887 --> 00:01:34,245
- Shut up!
- How's it gonna be when I go into labour?
20
00:01:34,407 --> 00:01:36,875
Some women just sail through.
21
00:01:37,047 --> 00:01:40,801
I remember when Mum
was giving birth to Rodney,
22
00:01:40,967 --> 00:01:45,199
she said it was the worst experience of her life.
23
00:01:45,367 --> 00:01:48,359
That doesn't mean
Cassandra will have a bad time.
24
00:01:48,527 --> 00:01:51,405
No... I see what you mean. No.
25
00:01:51,567 --> 00:01:56,516
- You should have a nice easy birth.
- Why?
26
00:01:56,687 --> 00:02:02,125
Well, look at you. You and Rodney
are both very skin... slim, aren't you?
27
00:02:02,287 --> 00:02:07,964
So the chances of you having
a very skinny... slimmy baby are very high.
28
00:02:08,127 --> 00:02:10,197
You won't have to push so hard.
29
00:02:10,367 --> 00:02:13,962
Your little sprog will come shooting out like that.
30
00:02:14,127 --> 00:02:17,403
- Del, please!
- Sometimes you overstep the mark.
31
00:02:17,567 --> 00:02:22,687
No. Cassandra won't need a midwife
in the delivery room.
32
00:02:22,847 --> 00:02:26,203
What she will need is a goalkeeper.
"Here it comes!"
33
00:02:28,247 --> 00:02:32,160
- Come on. You'll be late.
- Ready for school, son?
34
00:02:32,327 --> 00:02:37,196
- Sunglasses, Walkman, mobile phone?
- Yeah. Don't fuzz me, man.
35
00:02:37,367 --> 00:02:41,599
- Off you go.
- I think I'll have a lie-down.
36
00:02:41,767 --> 00:02:44,076
Up we get.
37
00:02:49,487 --> 00:02:52,047
I don't know if Cassandra feels up to it,
38
00:02:52,207 --> 00:02:55,756
but she was planning to spend the day
at her parents' house.
39
00:02:55,927 --> 00:03:00,762
- I thought I might go with her.
- Yeah. We'll meet you down the pub later.
40
00:03:00,927 --> 00:03:05,364
I'll get a bacon sandwich and a packet
of Werther's Original for Cassandra.
41
00:03:05,527 --> 00:03:08,917
- Do you think she's all right?
- She's fine.
42
00:03:09,087 --> 00:03:14,480
She's had buckets of pork and toffee.
She's bound to feel a bit gippy.
43
00:03:14,647 --> 00:03:18,322
Yeah, you're right. We'd better do something.
44
00:03:18,487 --> 00:03:23,515
- I thought we'd go down Ronnie Nelson's...
- No, not today, Rodney.
45
00:03:23,687 --> 00:03:28,124
- Del, Rodney is the managing director.
- Yes. I'm in charge.
46
00:03:28,287 --> 00:03:31,643
I know. I'm going to put some flowers
on Mum's grave.
47
00:03:31,807 --> 00:03:34,685
- I'll come with you.
- No.
48
00:03:34,847 --> 00:03:37,520
Stay here and look after Cassandra.
49
00:03:37,687 --> 00:03:41,839
Yeah. If she feels better,
I'll go down Ronnie's place.
50
00:03:42,007 --> 00:03:44,362
No. If she bucks up,
51
00:03:44,527 --> 00:03:50,602
take her and Raquel over to her mum's
and stay with them in case of car-jacking.
52
00:03:50,767 --> 00:03:54,476
On your Capri Ghia? Yeah, right.
53
00:03:54,647 --> 00:03:56,717
- Oi!
- What?
54
00:03:56,887 --> 00:04:01,802
- What's the matter with him?
- You never let him do things on his own.
55
00:04:01,967 --> 00:04:07,803
I can't let Rodney go out on business.
He'd come back with a bag of magic beans.
56
00:04:07,967 --> 00:04:12,165
- And you're so successful, aren't you?
- Don't start.
57
00:04:12,327 --> 00:04:14,363
- This situation...
- What situation?
58
00:04:14,527 --> 00:04:18,566
You being made bankrupt,
owing the Inland Revenue P53,000
59
00:04:18,727 --> 00:04:22,163
and the Official Receiver threatening to evict us.
60
00:04:22,327 --> 00:04:26,002
- That.
- Yes. And those letters from the solicitors.
61
00:04:26,167 --> 00:04:29,603
- Have you phoned them yet?
- No. I've been busy.
62
00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:33,646
- Have you told Rodney?
- No. He's got enough to worry about.
63
00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:38,244
I'll tell him when the moment's right.
Can I borrow these?
64
00:04:42,767 --> 00:04:45,725
- Have you told Raquel yet?
- Told her what?
65
00:04:45,887 --> 00:04:49,323
That they're auctioning this flat in a month.
66
00:04:49,487 --> 00:04:53,526
No. I'll tell her when the moment's right.
67
00:04:53,687 --> 00:04:56,963
- Del...
- No. See you, Rodney.
68
00:05:03,767 --> 00:05:06,235
Are you all right, Mum?
69
00:05:06,407 --> 00:05:09,479
I've come to give you a bit of a scrub-up.
70
00:05:14,767 --> 00:05:16,803
How do you like your new obelisk?
71
00:05:20,287 --> 00:05:25,884
The other one, your old one, was OK,
but it wasn't quite you,
72
00:05:26,047 --> 00:05:30,598
so when me and Rodders became millionaires,
we got you this new one.
73
00:05:30,767 --> 00:05:37,036
Best one in the yard, this.
This is the Ferrari of shrines.
74
00:05:37,207 --> 00:05:39,323
Anyway...
75
00:05:39,487 --> 00:05:43,765
Cassandra... She'll be giving birth soon.
76
00:05:44,807 --> 00:05:47,765
Another grandchild in the family.
77
00:05:47,927 --> 00:05:52,398
I said to them, if it's a girl,
would they name her after you?
78
00:05:52,567 --> 00:05:54,205
Joan.
79
00:05:56,287 --> 00:06:02,920
I'm sorry I haven't been down for a long time,
but I've had one or two problems.
80
00:06:03,087 --> 00:06:06,124
What with the bankruptcy and all of that.
81
00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:12,558
Then I received this letter
from the Official Receiver,
82
00:06:12,727 --> 00:06:16,037
says they want to auction the old flat.
83
00:06:16,207 --> 00:06:18,562
The lads have been good.
84
00:06:18,727 --> 00:06:23,721
They've all been trying
to think of ways for me to make money.
85
00:06:23,887 --> 00:06:27,323
- You gotta invent something.
- Invent something?
86
00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:29,523
All inventors are rich.
87
00:06:29,687 --> 00:06:34,602
What's the name of that bloke
who invented the Dyson vacuum cleaner?
88
00:06:37,087 --> 00:06:38,918
Dyson.
89
00:06:39,087 --> 00:06:43,080
Millionaire. What about that bloke
who invented the biro?
90
00:06:43,247 --> 00:06:46,762
- Bic?
- Millionaire.
91
00:06:46,927 --> 00:06:51,478
I know, Trig. I've thought of that,
but everything's been invented.
92
00:06:51,647 --> 00:06:54,605
Not everything. Picture this.
93
00:06:54,767 --> 00:06:58,601
You're on a crowded bus,
you get an itch in your back.
94
00:06:58,767 --> 00:07:03,636
No matter how hard you try,
you can't reach it. What do you do?
95
00:07:03,807 --> 00:07:07,322
Ask one of the other passengers to scratch it.
96
00:07:07,487 --> 00:07:10,160
- Yeah.
- No, you can't do that, Dave.
97
00:07:10,327 --> 00:07:12,602
No. I was just having a laugh.
98
00:07:13,807 --> 00:07:18,403
I tried that once
and it caused nothing but trouble.
99
00:07:19,407 --> 00:07:23,161
Now... What's this?
100
00:07:24,167 --> 00:07:26,840
- Chopstick.
- Correct.
101
00:07:27,007 --> 00:07:31,125
With this you can reach down and hit the spot.
102
00:07:32,647 --> 00:07:39,325
That's very good, Trig. Not quite
up to Bill Gates' standard, but it is brilliant.
103
00:07:39,487 --> 00:07:44,720
I don't want to disappoint you,
and the Chinese have always been inventive,
104
00:07:44,887 --> 00:07:50,484
but we created something years ago
that beat them to the punch - a backscratcher.
105
00:07:50,647 --> 00:07:54,845
But they're big long things, Dave.
You can't carry one in your pocket.
106
00:07:55,007 --> 00:07:57,282
People will look.
107
00:07:57,447 --> 00:08:04,046
Yes, but you've got to have something long
to get it right down where the itch is.
108
00:08:04,207 --> 00:08:08,405
- That thing's too short.
- So what's the answer?
109
00:08:08,567 --> 00:08:11,604
Another drink?
110
00:08:11,767 --> 00:08:13,564
No.
111
00:08:17,087 --> 00:08:19,078
Two chopsticks.
112
00:08:19,247 --> 00:08:23,126
I'm gonna fit a little hinge on the end...
113
00:08:24,167 --> 00:08:27,079
...so you can open it out,
114
00:08:27,247 --> 00:08:33,163
scratch away, fold it down again...
and put it back in your pocket.
115
00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:38,004
And you can use it for pointing at things.
116
00:08:41,047 --> 00:08:44,562
That's brilliant, innit? No more fingers.
117
00:08:44,727 --> 00:08:49,437
This is just a specimen.
I'm going back to my flat to work on it.
118
00:08:49,607 --> 00:08:53,441
When I take the patent out,
I'm gonna put it in your name.
119
00:08:53,607 --> 00:08:57,316
Thanks, Trig. See you on "Tomorrow's World".
120
00:09:00,767 --> 00:09:04,442
Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.
121
00:09:04,607 --> 00:09:08,361
Seems like nothing's gonna change my bad luck.
122
00:09:08,527 --> 00:09:11,644
Raquel says we ought to try feng shui.
123
00:09:11,807 --> 00:09:15,800
I said to her,
"What good is eating raw fish gonna do?"
124
00:09:17,967 --> 00:09:23,405
And I'm getting all these letters
from my solicitor demanding a meeting.
125
00:09:24,607 --> 00:09:29,362
If I don't get over 50 grand in four weeks' time,
126
00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:33,361
I'll be kipping on that bench over there.
127
00:09:33,527 --> 00:09:37,042
Least I'll be keeping you company.
128
00:09:37,207 --> 00:09:41,837
If there's anything that you can do -
you know, while you're up there,
129
00:09:42,007 --> 00:09:47,639
like a word in the right ear -
I'd be ever so grateful.
130
00:09:49,687 --> 00:09:55,159
Anyway, I'd better buzz off. See you soon, Mum.
131
00:09:57,607 --> 00:09:59,325
Bonjour.
132
00:10:10,207 --> 00:10:15,520
- What you doing?
- I'm writing a screenplay for a movie.
133
00:10:16,607 --> 00:10:18,916
Oh. Where is everyone?
134
00:10:19,087 --> 00:10:24,923
Your dad's at the cemetery.
Cassandra's at her parents' place with your mum.
135
00:10:26,607 --> 00:10:30,964
- Is it a silent film?
- No, it's not a silent film.
136
00:10:31,127 --> 00:10:35,120
- You might be able to help me.
- What do you want me to do?
137
00:10:35,287 --> 00:10:37,676
Bugger off and leave me alone.
138
00:10:41,847 --> 00:10:46,079
- All right, Dad?
- Yeah. All right, son.
139
00:10:46,247 --> 00:10:49,876
Postman's given me a letter
from the Official Receiver.
140
00:10:50,047 --> 00:10:54,040
- I suppose it's about this flat.
- It ain't a Christmas card.
141
00:10:54,207 --> 00:10:56,846
- Been busy?
- Yes.
142
00:10:59,007 --> 00:11:04,684
- What's wrong, Dad? You look worried.
- I am worried, son.
143
00:11:04,847 --> 00:11:09,238
Oh, dear. I don't know. I haven't slept for ages.
144
00:11:09,407 --> 00:11:15,118
I feel so stressed out,
Yehudi Menuhin could play a symphony on me!
145
00:11:15,287 --> 00:11:19,280
- I'm gonna go and play football.
- All right.
146
00:11:19,447 --> 00:11:22,200
Don't forget what I said about dirty tackling.
147
00:11:22,367 --> 00:11:24,562
- Yeah. Be first.
- Good boy.
148
00:11:51,847 --> 00:11:54,919
How's that creative writing course of yours?
149
00:11:55,087 --> 00:11:59,239
- Fine.
- Good. 'Cause I worry about you.
150
00:11:59,407 --> 00:12:05,642
Even though I've got bankruptcy
looming over me, and my eminent eviction,
151
00:12:05,807 --> 00:12:09,004
I lie awake at night worrying.
152
00:12:09,167 --> 00:12:15,515
I say to myself, "Is Rodney
getting his commas in the right place?"
153
00:12:15,687 --> 00:12:17,678
What's up with you?
154
00:12:17,847 --> 00:12:23,524
I'll tell you. Here I am, halfway down the gurgler
with only my head above the water,
155
00:12:23,687 --> 00:12:29,239
and you're poncing around on your wife's laptop,
wasting money on some course.
156
00:12:29,407 --> 00:12:33,639
I'm not wasting money.
I'm investing in our future.
157
00:12:33,807 --> 00:12:38,756
What future?
We've got all the prospects of a Toilet Duck!
158
00:12:38,927 --> 00:12:43,478
I'm trying to get us out of this situation
by earning some serious money.
159
00:12:43,647 --> 00:12:47,959
Have you any idea how much you can earn
by writing a book or a film?
160
00:12:48,127 --> 00:12:54,282
- I bet you've never heard of JK Rowling.
- As a matter of fact, I have.
161
00:12:54,447 --> 00:12:57,200
He's one of my favourites.
162
00:12:57,367 --> 00:13:00,564
No... Yeah, right.
163
00:13:00,727 --> 00:13:06,757
JK Rowling wrote all the Harry Potter books
and has earned over P70 million.
164
00:13:06,927 --> 00:13:11,125
70 million?! That would do us, wouldn't it?
165
00:13:11,287 --> 00:13:14,484
- It could get us over the worst.
- Go on, then.
166
00:13:14,647 --> 00:13:16,717
- What?
- Write one.
167
00:13:17,727 --> 00:13:20,799
I can't write a Harry Potter book. It's copyrighted.
168
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:27,122
Don't worry about that. Just change a bit.
No one will notice. Call it Harry Trotter.
169
00:13:28,127 --> 00:13:32,962
- No.
- Will you shut up, you tart?
170
00:13:33,127 --> 00:13:35,721
All you need is a couple of wizards
171
00:13:35,887 --> 00:13:41,439
and some little git with John Lennon glasses,
and then we're off.
172
00:13:41,607 --> 00:13:44,326
I can't write all that magic stuff.
173
00:13:44,487 --> 00:13:49,038
I'm more Michael Crichton and Thomas Harris.
He wrote "Silence Of The Lambs".
174
00:13:49,207 --> 00:13:52,244
Oh, yeah? Hannibal the Cannonball?
175
00:13:53,487 --> 00:13:56,160
No, it's can... Yeah.
176
00:13:56,327 --> 00:14:00,843
- Well, he's earned over $100 million.
- 100 million?
177
00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:05,364
I know it's all big talk -
70 million here, 100 million there.
178
00:14:05,527 --> 00:14:10,362
You're entitled to talk big
once you've been a millionaire like what we have.
179
00:14:12,567 --> 00:14:15,559
You know what this is, don't you?
180
00:14:17,087 --> 00:14:21,558
Every time I go down
and have a little talk to Mum,
181
00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:24,764
something turns up to save us.
182
00:14:25,767 --> 00:14:30,841
This is it. This is a sign. This is Mum's doing.
183
00:14:32,207 --> 00:14:36,723
Come on, Rodney.
We're gonna come up with a film idea.
184
00:14:36,887 --> 00:14:38,445
Yeah.
185
00:14:42,167 --> 00:14:47,560
So I rang Mike in prison
and we decided to turn this into a theme pub.
186
00:14:47,727 --> 00:14:52,278
- Good.
- We decided on 1930s, pre-war London.
187
00:14:52,447 --> 00:14:54,677
It's turned out well.
188
00:14:54,847 --> 00:14:57,361
I ain't started yet.
189
00:14:57,527 --> 00:15:02,726
- It's still at the consultation stage.
- Let us know when it's finished.
190
00:15:02,887 --> 00:15:05,401
Raquel. Cassandra. What are you drinking?
191
00:15:05,567 --> 00:15:09,401
- Vodka and tonic, please, Trig.
- An orange juice, please.
192
00:15:09,567 --> 00:15:11,717
- Del and Rodney here?
- I ain't seen 'em.
193
00:15:12,847 --> 00:15:17,238
- Tell Del the prototype has hit a snag.
- Right.
194
00:15:17,407 --> 00:15:21,400
- Me paraffin heater melted the chopsticks.
- OK.
195
00:15:21,567 --> 00:15:26,436
I might have to go to a Chinese shop.
He'll understand.
196
00:15:29,247 --> 00:15:31,841
- What are they doing?
- Who?
197
00:15:32,007 --> 00:15:38,526
These people that landed
on an uninhabited desert island in the Specific.
198
00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:41,759
- Right. They're scientists.
- Right.
199
00:15:41,927 --> 00:15:44,999
They've been sent there
because of strange goings-on.
200
00:15:45,167 --> 00:15:49,445
- Like people getting killed?
- Yeah. Disappearing strangely.
201
00:15:49,607 --> 00:15:53,566
Right. This idea's getting betterer and betterer.
202
00:15:53,727 --> 00:15:59,723
So they land in a jumbo jet flown by...
I'm thinking Mel Gibson.
203
00:15:59,887 --> 00:16:02,481
Mel Gibson? Yeah!
204
00:16:02,647 --> 00:16:07,118
- He ain't got all that paint over his face?
- No, no.
205
00:16:07,287 --> 00:16:11,485
- He's the leading scientist.
- Right. OK.
206
00:16:11,647 --> 00:16:15,765
- What's he doing flying the plane, then?
- I dunno.
207
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:21,795
We could say that in the past
he was a pilot for...
208
00:16:21,967 --> 00:16:23,844
Monarch.
209
00:16:24,847 --> 00:16:28,601
No. Something exciting. NASA.
210
00:16:28,767 --> 00:16:31,361
NASA! Yes, sir! NASA.
211
00:16:31,527 --> 00:16:36,999
So Mel and his assistant...
I was thinking Julia Roberts.
212
00:16:37,167 --> 00:16:41,365
Julia Roberts. Now you're talking like a mogul.
213
00:16:41,527 --> 00:16:47,363
So whilst they're out there doing
all their scientific research and all that stuff,
214
00:16:47,527 --> 00:16:50,519
something in the jungle is watching them.
215
00:16:50,687 --> 00:16:54,805
- The monster.
- Except it's not really a monster.
216
00:16:54,967 --> 00:17:01,202
What they don't know is on this island
are a forgotten tribe of Neanderthals.
217
00:17:01,367 --> 00:17:04,962
Cor blimey. Well, you need that, don't ya?
218
00:17:06,367 --> 00:17:09,279
Old Mel's got his work cut out.
219
00:17:09,447 --> 00:17:12,723
Doing all his research and trying to sort Julia out.
220
00:17:13,967 --> 00:17:16,800
So there's all these cavemen...
221
00:17:16,967 --> 00:17:21,324
Yeah. And women.
The women. You know what I mean?
222
00:17:21,487 --> 00:17:25,560
'Cause serious filmgoers, they like a bit of that.
223
00:17:25,727 --> 00:17:30,357
I was thinking about... Liz Hurley and Jordan.
224
00:17:32,007 --> 00:17:35,363
- We'll talk about it.
- And they're killer cavemen.
225
00:17:35,527 --> 00:17:39,236
- Yes!
- This is gonna be a blockbuster.
226
00:17:39,407 --> 00:17:42,843
It's called "The Island Of Death".
227
00:17:43,007 --> 00:17:45,475
We'll talk about that as well.
228
00:17:47,327 --> 00:17:50,478
Did you get the baby blues
after Damien was born?
229
00:17:50,647 --> 00:17:56,244
- I had my moments, but not too bad.
- I didn't get depressed after I had Tyler.
230
00:17:56,407 --> 00:18:00,525
I was private. The doctors and the drugs
are better than on the NHS.
231
00:18:00,687 --> 00:18:03,565
I didn't get post-natal depression, did I?
232
00:18:03,727 --> 00:18:08,323
How would I know? You've been
screaming and crying all your life.
233
00:18:08,487 --> 00:18:11,240
Only since I married you!
234
00:18:12,567 --> 00:18:16,321
It's our anniversary soon. 34 years.
235
00:18:16,487 --> 00:18:19,206
They dig up fossils younger than that.
236
00:18:20,807 --> 00:18:25,756
Put a bit of make-up on 'em
and I might fancy them more than you.
237
00:18:26,767 --> 00:18:29,600
Mind you, she has her uses.
238
00:18:29,767 --> 00:18:35,399
If I have to draw a straight line
and can't find a ruler, I just use her chest.
239
00:18:37,807 --> 00:18:40,367
That is one 'orrible git.
240
00:18:42,007 --> 00:18:44,567
But he has got his nice side.
241
00:18:44,727 --> 00:18:49,039
Last month he took out
a massive life insurance on me.
242
00:18:49,207 --> 00:18:52,961
- Shows he cares.
- Come on, Marlene.
243
00:18:53,127 --> 00:18:55,766
Let's go home and ignore each other.
244
00:18:59,527 --> 00:19:03,600
Right. Where are they now?
At the end of the runway.
245
00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:06,520
Yeah. Just getting ready to take off
246
00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:11,841
when suddenly a big bird
gets sucked into one of the engines.
247
00:19:12,007 --> 00:19:16,205
Yes! I can see that, Rodney. That is drama.
248
00:19:16,367 --> 00:19:19,837
- Yeah.
- I feel an Oscar coming on here.
249
00:19:21,167 --> 00:19:24,159
Who do you see playing the big bird?
250
00:19:26,687 --> 00:19:30,282
- Eh?
- Roseanne Barr. She ain't small.
251
00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:34,885
No. When I say big bird...
252
00:19:35,047 --> 00:19:39,359
If you got Roseanne Barr
stuck in your engine, you'd know.
253
00:19:39,527 --> 00:19:43,759
No, no. I'm talking about an eagle or a coroment.
254
00:19:45,247 --> 00:19:49,035
A cornament... An eagle.
255
00:19:49,207 --> 00:19:51,562
Oh, right. I see.
256
00:19:51,727 --> 00:19:55,686
Ah! No, no... Got it, Rodney.
257
00:19:55,847 --> 00:19:59,396
This is it. Listen to this. Mel... Right?
258
00:19:59,567 --> 00:20:05,722
- His assistant is played by Roseanne Barr.
- I don't want Roseanne Barr.
259
00:20:05,887 --> 00:20:11,041
But when Mel pulls her out of the engine,
she's in a right mess.
260
00:20:11,207 --> 00:20:12,640
Del...
261
00:20:12,807 --> 00:20:17,597
No, listen. This is when we find out
that not only is Mel a pilot
262
00:20:17,767 --> 00:20:22,522
and a science researchist,
but he's also a plastic surgeon.
263
00:20:22,687 --> 00:20:28,000
- No.
- And he's got his plastic surgeon tools.
264
00:20:28,167 --> 00:20:32,445
- So he operates on her.
- I don't want him operating on her.
265
00:20:32,607 --> 00:20:36,964
And then he turns her into Julia Roberts, right?
266
00:20:37,127 --> 00:20:43,043
When she sees what he's done, she says,
"Bloody hell, Mel! Help yourself."
267
00:20:46,047 --> 00:20:48,083
And that is your romance.
268
00:20:49,207 --> 00:20:53,644
I'm not having Roseanne Barr's legs
sticking out of one end of an engine
269
00:20:53,807 --> 00:20:57,800
and Julia Roberts' head
sticking out of the other end.
270
00:21:02,407 --> 00:21:06,161
- Are you certain he said they'd meet us?
- I'm positive.
271
00:21:08,007 --> 00:21:11,716
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, no.
272
00:21:11,887 --> 00:21:14,355
Why do they do things like this?
273
00:21:14,527 --> 00:21:20,363
As I've said to you before,
women are from Venus, men are from Peckham.
274
00:21:28,127 --> 00:21:31,756
- Let me carry that coffee.
- Get off me, Rodney!
275
00:21:31,927 --> 00:21:36,478
I know you're an attentive man,
but you're getting on my bloody nerves.
276
00:21:38,367 --> 00:21:42,485
- Hormones, eh?
- Yeah. I'm glad I ain't got none.
277
00:21:44,487 --> 00:21:47,399
It's an answering machine.
278
00:21:47,567 --> 00:21:50,559
Hello. Denzil, this is Delboy.
279
00:21:50,727 --> 00:21:54,436
I haven't been able to get hold of you.
280
00:21:54,607 --> 00:21:59,556
I just wanted to let you know
I had a job for you worth 500 quid.
281
00:21:59,727 --> 00:22:03,322
I've had to let it go to someone else now.
282
00:22:03,487 --> 00:22:09,642
So I just wanted to let you know
what a half-head I think you are. Bonjour!
283
00:22:11,847 --> 00:22:13,838
- You'll never guess.
- What?
284
00:22:14,007 --> 00:22:17,795
I've been talking to that woman
who cleans for Boycie and Marlene.
285
00:22:17,967 --> 00:22:22,279
She says she hasn't seen Marlene
for eight days now.
286
00:22:22,447 --> 00:22:26,486
- What do you think's happened?
- I dunno. Strange, though.
287
00:22:26,647 --> 00:22:30,356
I can't understand
how they weren't divorced years ago.
288
00:22:30,527 --> 00:22:34,839
Marlene will never divorce Boycie.
She hates him too much.
289
00:22:36,527 --> 00:22:40,964
You shouldn't laugh.
Marital break-ups can be very damaging.
290
00:22:41,127 --> 00:22:43,641
I did some work for the Samaritans.
291
00:22:43,807 --> 00:22:46,480
- On the phones?
- Yeah.
292
00:22:46,647 --> 00:22:51,357
Yes. Very successful he was, too.
No one ever phoned back.
293
00:22:56,447 --> 00:22:59,007
Del, have you seen Marlene recently?
294
00:22:59,167 --> 00:23:03,046
No. I bumped into Boycie.
He said she'd gone away.
295
00:23:03,207 --> 00:23:07,962
- Maybe he's murdered her!
- Keep your nose out of this.
296
00:23:08,127 --> 00:23:12,803
- Do you think she's left him?
- They were having a row. It got nasty.
297
00:23:12,967 --> 00:23:15,401
He accused her of being flat-chested.
298
00:23:15,567 --> 00:23:21,005
- They're always having rows.
- You haven't seen Denzil either.
299
00:23:21,167 --> 00:23:23,476
Maybe they've run off together.
300
00:23:23,647 --> 00:23:26,207
Hark at him.
301
00:23:26,367 --> 00:23:30,883
Marlene has run off with Den... zil.
302
00:23:35,167 --> 00:23:38,318
Jane, half a lager and Del's usual.
303
00:23:38,487 --> 00:23:40,603
Poison in the dining room.
304
00:23:40,767 --> 00:23:45,397
- Candlestick in the bedroom.
- You playing Cluedo?
305
00:23:45,567 --> 00:23:51,244
No. It's called "Whatever happened to Marlene?"
It's been ten days now.
306
00:23:51,407 --> 00:23:56,117
I reckon she's either run off with another bloke
or Boycie's killed her.
307
00:23:56,287 --> 00:23:58,926
Or she's spending the week at her sister's.
308
00:23:59,087 --> 00:24:02,762
Her sister's? You and your imagination, Rodney.
309
00:24:02,927 --> 00:24:07,045
Do you remember
the old Jolly Boys' outings we went on?
310
00:24:07,207 --> 00:24:12,042
- The beanos to Margate? They were great.
- We ain't had one in years.
311
00:24:12,207 --> 00:24:16,758
No. After the last one
the coach firms wouldn't do business with us.
312
00:24:18,087 --> 00:24:22,558
But I was going through some old boxes
and I found this.
313
00:24:25,127 --> 00:24:30,520
It's the first Jolly Boys' outing. July 1960.
314
00:24:30,687 --> 00:24:35,807
There's Del, about 15.
There's Trigger. Boycie. Denzil.
315
00:24:35,967 --> 00:24:40,358
- What a bunch of mongs.
- Bloody 'ell. They look stupid.
316
00:24:40,527 --> 00:24:44,406
That was the fashion. There's your dad - Reg.
317
00:24:44,567 --> 00:24:49,197
- Oh, yeah.
- There's your grandfather. There's me.
318
00:24:49,367 --> 00:24:53,838
Blimey, Sid. You looked like an old git
even in them days.
319
00:24:55,047 --> 00:24:58,483
Yeah. I haven't really aged.
320
00:24:59,807 --> 00:25:03,004
See you later. I gotta get something to eat.
321
00:25:03,167 --> 00:25:06,284
- We do food here.
- I know. I've tried it.
322
00:25:06,447 --> 00:25:08,642
Fair enough.
323
00:25:08,807 --> 00:25:15,406
Sid, can I borrow this to get a copy made?
I'm gonna embarrass Del with it.
324
00:25:15,567 --> 00:25:17,922
- I want it back, though.
- Yeah. 'Course.
325
00:25:22,247 --> 00:25:24,761
- There you go.
- Ta.
326
00:25:24,927 --> 00:25:29,796
- What are you smirking at?
- Nothing. You all right, Trig?
327
00:25:29,967 --> 00:25:32,925
Nothing to report. Waiting for the glue to dry.
328
00:25:35,247 --> 00:25:37,124
Mum's the word.
329
00:25:37,287 --> 00:25:41,405
I hope you're around on Saturday night.
It's a special evening.
330
00:25:41,567 --> 00:25:44,001
The brewery given us a new guvnor?
331
00:25:44,167 --> 00:25:50,402
No. Somebody's booked the pub for a do
and it's the first of my tribute nights.
332
00:25:50,567 --> 00:25:56,358
I've got a couple of singers from Newcastle.
They call themselves "Lordy Geordie".
333
00:25:58,447 --> 00:26:01,723
They do a tribute to Robson and Jerome.
334
00:26:04,127 --> 00:26:06,322
Why?
335
00:26:08,087 --> 00:26:10,237
I didn't ask.
336
00:26:10,407 --> 00:26:15,322
The first act on is a David Bowie tribute.
A carpenter.
337
00:26:15,487 --> 00:26:18,559
Calls himself Ziggy Sawdust.
338
00:26:21,647 --> 00:26:24,798
Make a note of that, Rodney. I can't miss this.
339
00:26:25,887 --> 00:26:28,879
Yeah. Sounds good, doesn't it?
340
00:26:31,767 --> 00:26:36,795
- I've got a good idea for one of our films.
- What's that?
341
00:26:36,967 --> 00:26:40,755
You know, Denzil and Marlene
running off together.
342
00:26:40,927 --> 00:26:44,761
These two people
who've known each other since their teens
343
00:26:44,927 --> 00:26:47,361
and hid their passion for each other,
344
00:26:47,527 --> 00:26:52,043
and when they reach middle age,
they can't contain it no longer,
345
00:26:52,207 --> 00:26:54,801
so they rush into each other's arms.
346
00:26:54,967 --> 00:26:59,643
- This is Denzil and Marlene.
- We'll get someone nice, though.
347
00:26:59,807 --> 00:27:03,959
I can't do romance.
I'm more into science fiction.
348
00:27:04,127 --> 00:27:07,119
Yeah. I like all that as well, Dave.
349
00:27:08,567 --> 00:27:13,357
I mean, you think about space.
It's everywhere, innit?
350
00:27:15,567 --> 00:27:18,798
You're right. You can't move for it.
351
00:27:18,967 --> 00:27:21,561
I read something frightening.
352
00:27:21,727 --> 00:27:26,847
Scientists have discovered
this gigantic black hole on the edge of our galaxy,
353
00:27:27,007 --> 00:27:30,716
and if our planet continues
on its ever-widening orbit,
354
00:27:30,887 --> 00:27:33,355
we'll be sucked into it and destroyed.
355
00:27:33,527 --> 00:27:35,882
I'll make sure I'm out that day.
356
00:27:37,287 --> 00:27:40,120
So when's this going to happen?
357
00:27:41,287 --> 00:27:48,238
They can't be too specific. They can't say
Saturday 12th March at half past three.
358
00:27:48,407 --> 00:27:52,559
No, but they can give us an idea,
give or take a fortnight.
359
00:27:52,727 --> 00:27:55,036
Well, roughly...
360
00:27:55,207 --> 00:28:00,042
within two to three hundred million years.
361
00:28:01,047 --> 00:28:03,277
We got time for a quick one, then?
362
00:28:05,287 --> 00:28:08,085
So what are they gonna do about it?
363
00:28:10,487 --> 00:28:13,957
- What are who gonna do about it?
- The government.
364
00:28:14,127 --> 00:28:20,600
Well, there's nothing... Send McAlpine's up
with a spaceship full of bricks.
365
00:28:20,767 --> 00:28:22,758
They'll need more than one.
366
00:28:25,767 --> 00:28:29,282
Del, I know you don't believe
in this UFO rubbish,
367
00:28:29,447 --> 00:28:33,520
but I've been sitting here looking at the sky
368
00:28:33,687 --> 00:28:36,281
and I suddenly noticed a star.
369
00:28:36,447 --> 00:28:38,961
It's night, Trig. It happens.
370
00:28:39,127 --> 00:28:44,121
Yeah, but this star suddenly disappeared
and then it came back again...
371
00:28:44,287 --> 00:28:48,485
and then it disappeared
and then it came back again.
372
00:28:49,487 --> 00:28:53,958
And then it disappeared...
and then it came back again.
373
00:28:55,647 --> 00:28:58,445
Do you think that's a close encounter?
374
00:28:59,847 --> 00:29:02,645
No. It's called blinking.
375
00:29:06,407 --> 00:29:10,195
- It's done it again, look.
- No. Missed it.
376
00:29:16,847 --> 00:29:19,600
There it goes!
377
00:29:22,767 --> 00:29:25,440
It's amazing, innit?
378
00:29:25,607 --> 00:29:27,598
Dear God.
379
00:29:27,767 --> 00:29:30,804
(PHONE RINGS)
380
00:29:30,967 --> 00:29:33,356
Trotters Independent Traders.
381
00:29:35,327 --> 00:29:38,285
Yeah? Thank you. We'll be right down.
382
00:29:39,287 --> 00:29:44,486
It's the manager of the Sopranos Pizza Parlour.
We've found Denzil.
383
00:29:53,047 --> 00:29:56,005
Denzil, me old mate.
384
00:29:56,167 --> 00:30:00,160
All right, Del?
All right, fellas. How's it going?
385
00:30:00,327 --> 00:30:04,764
Yes. Fine.
We were worried about you, me old mate.
386
00:30:04,927 --> 00:30:09,478
- Don't worry about me. I was just off...
- No, you sit down.
387
00:30:09,647 --> 00:30:12,445
Let's have a little chinwag, eh?
388
00:30:17,967 --> 00:30:20,959
Is there anything you'd like to tell us?
389
00:30:22,487 --> 00:30:25,445
We promise we won't be judgmental.
These things happen.
390
00:30:25,607 --> 00:30:29,122
- Who told you?
- Del worked it out.
391
00:30:29,287 --> 00:30:34,042
Yeah. Once Marlene went missing and so did you,
392
00:30:34,207 --> 00:30:38,678
you didn't have to be Jeremy Paxton
to work out you'd run off together.
393
00:30:39,807 --> 00:30:43,402
Run off with Marlene?
Have you gone mad or what?
394
00:30:44,847 --> 00:30:47,964
- Where've you been, then?
- In hospital.
395
00:30:48,127 --> 00:30:51,324
Hospital? Was there something wrong with you?
396
00:30:51,487 --> 00:30:55,639
- Of course there was something wrong.
- What?
397
00:30:57,487 --> 00:31:02,925
I don't want to talk about it, Del.
It's been with me for quite a while.
398
00:31:03,087 --> 00:31:08,957
I didn't say anything to you because...
I didn't want to admit it to myself.
399
00:31:10,487 --> 00:31:15,003
Finally, the doctor said
I'd got to have the operation or...
400
00:31:16,207 --> 00:31:17,925
Or what?
401
00:31:19,647 --> 00:31:23,196
Trigger, you don't need to ask that question.
402
00:31:23,367 --> 00:31:28,646
- If he says "or", you know what he means.
- What?
403
00:31:31,287 --> 00:31:34,563
I've had the operation and I'm feeling better.
404
00:31:34,727 --> 00:31:40,643
The specialist said it could always return.
I've just gotta live in hope.
405
00:31:43,287 --> 00:31:47,075
Let's get a drink. Four beers, please, over here.
406
00:31:48,207 --> 00:31:52,439
I didn't spot you lot lurking over here.
How's it all going?
407
00:31:52,607 --> 00:31:54,325
All right.
408
00:31:54,487 --> 00:31:59,242
You and me have got a mutual friend.
That young nurse - Jolene.
409
00:31:59,407 --> 00:32:03,036
I took her out.
She told me all about your case.
410
00:32:03,207 --> 00:32:06,961
I don't believe this.
It's supposed to be confidential.
411
00:32:07,127 --> 00:32:11,757
She'd had a couple of drinks.
I don't envy you at all, Denzil.
412
00:32:11,927 --> 00:32:14,566
My old granddad suffered with piles.
413
00:32:18,527 --> 00:32:22,406
- Piles?
- You've had piles?
414
00:32:22,567 --> 00:32:28,597
Us worried sick about you and all you'd got
was a touch of the Farmer Giles!
415
00:32:28,767 --> 00:32:31,918
Not piles, Derek - super-piles.
416
00:32:32,087 --> 00:32:35,397
All this fuss over a few haemorrhoids.
417
00:32:35,567 --> 00:32:38,206
Haemorrhoids? They were more like asteroids.
418
00:32:39,207 --> 00:32:41,675
Surgeon said it was keyhole surgery.
419
00:32:41,847 --> 00:32:46,682
Didn't say it was the keyhole
to the Tower of soddin' London!
420
00:32:46,847 --> 00:32:52,205
- You wanna see what he's done to me.
- No. I'll just take your word for it.
421
00:32:53,607 --> 00:32:55,916
So what's this about Marlene?
422
00:32:56,087 --> 00:33:00,683
- Nobody's seen her for a week.
- We thought she was having an affair.
423
00:33:00,847 --> 00:33:02,917
Funny you should say that.
424
00:33:03,087 --> 00:33:07,365
I was in town two weeks ago
and I saw Marlene with a fella.
425
00:33:07,527 --> 00:33:13,238
All dressed up - low-cut blouse,
high heels, full make-up, the lot.
426
00:33:13,407 --> 00:33:16,001
What does she see in a bloke like that?
427
00:33:19,247 --> 00:33:23,001
No, not the... He's talking about Marlene!
428
00:33:23,167 --> 00:33:26,523
- You are talking about her, aren't you?
- Yeah.
429
00:33:26,687 --> 00:33:30,726
So maybe Boycie found out
Marlene was having an affair.
430
00:33:30,887 --> 00:33:36,120
And then he took out
a very large life insurance policy on her.
431
00:33:41,687 --> 00:33:44,485
Hello, Boycie. Thought we'd pop in.
432
00:33:48,727 --> 00:33:54,996
You must appreciate I'm a very busy man,
so what can I do for you?
433
00:33:55,167 --> 00:33:59,843
- A cup of tea wouldn't go amiss.
- How's Marlene these days?
434
00:34:00,847 --> 00:34:05,079
- She's fine.
- It's just we haven't seen her around lately.
435
00:34:05,247 --> 00:34:09,320
No. That's because she's been away.
436
00:34:11,607 --> 00:34:13,404
I'll put the kettle on.
437
00:34:15,487 --> 00:34:18,479
- He's done her in.
- You don't know that.
438
00:34:18,647 --> 00:34:22,845
- What other explanation is there?
- Staying with friends?
439
00:34:23,007 --> 00:34:28,479
Don't be stupid. Who the hell's gonna have
Marlene in their house for a week?
440
00:34:29,647 --> 00:34:32,923
You be observant. This could make a nice film.
441
00:34:33,087 --> 00:34:36,284
We've got to be careful about what we say.
442
00:34:36,447 --> 00:34:41,157
We could be making a terrible mistake
and cause a lot of pain and distress.
443
00:34:41,327 --> 00:34:44,876
You're right. Subtlety is the order of the day.
444
00:34:45,047 --> 00:34:46,844
Absolutely.
445
00:34:51,207 --> 00:34:54,722
- Well?
- Right. Well, Boycie...
446
00:34:54,887 --> 00:34:59,244
I hope you won't take offence
by what I'm about to say, but...
447
00:34:59,407 --> 00:35:04,037
we think you've murdered Marlene
and buried her in the garden.
448
00:35:08,367 --> 00:35:10,483
Beautiful, Derek.
449
00:35:10,647 --> 00:35:15,277
How dare you? Murdered my wife
and buried her in the garden?
450
00:35:15,447 --> 00:35:17,915
I've never been so insulted!
451
00:35:18,087 --> 00:35:21,966
You know how much I've spent on that garden.
452
00:35:23,447 --> 00:35:28,123
Yeah. I never thought of that.
So what have you done with her, then?
453
00:35:28,287 --> 00:35:32,200
I have done nothing with her. She's upstairs.
454
00:35:32,367 --> 00:35:35,643
She's upstairs. What else is there to say?
455
00:35:35,807 --> 00:35:38,560
Dead or alive might help.
456
00:35:40,847 --> 00:35:46,604
Marlene and I will be down the pub tonight.
Then you'll have proof, Inspector.
457
00:35:47,967 --> 00:35:52,597
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have business to attend to.
458
00:36:00,167 --> 00:36:02,635
See you later, Marlene.
459
00:36:04,487 --> 00:36:07,285
She's probably asleep.
460
00:36:07,447 --> 00:36:10,519
Oh, yeah. Right.
461
00:36:10,687 --> 00:36:13,121
See you later, Marlene!
462
00:36:16,447 --> 00:36:19,007
She's a deep sleeper.
463
00:36:20,407 --> 00:36:22,875
She's dead to the world.
464
00:36:24,447 --> 00:36:27,325
See you tonight, Boycie.
465
00:36:28,327 --> 00:36:30,045
Bonjour.
466
00:36:41,367 --> 00:36:45,519
# This is Ground Control to Major Tom
467
00:36:45,687 --> 00:36:49,316
# You've really made the grade
468
00:36:49,487 --> 00:36:55,483
# And the papers want to know
whose shirts you wear
469
00:36:55,647 --> 00:37:00,562
# Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare
470
00:37:02,607 --> 00:37:06,395
# This is Major Tom to Ground Control
471
00:37:06,567 --> 00:37:10,162
# I'm stepping through the door
472
00:37:10,327 --> 00:37:15,321
# And I'm floating in a most peculiar way... #
473
00:37:15,487 --> 00:37:20,242
- What's all this, Sid?
- It's like that Spanish place in Fulham.
474
00:37:20,407 --> 00:37:22,523
That's tapas. This is...
475
00:37:22,687 --> 00:37:26,123
- Well, it's not good, is it?
- It's English tapas.
476
00:37:26,287 --> 00:37:31,520
Does Mike know you're doing this?
I know he's inside, but it's still his pub.
477
00:37:31,687 --> 00:37:34,963
He said, "Treat the pub as if it were your own."
478
00:37:35,127 --> 00:37:39,882
That's just a figure of speech.
If you stay at someone's house, they say that.
479
00:37:40,047 --> 00:37:43,164
Doesn't mean you build a through lounge.
480
00:37:43,327 --> 00:37:47,923
- There it is. Take it or leave it.
- Thank God. We've got a choice.
481
00:37:51,367 --> 00:37:57,158
- Do you think Boycie will turn up?
- No. He'll be halfway across Europe now.
482
00:37:57,327 --> 00:38:00,399
Yeah. Grab the insurance money and run.
483
00:38:25,287 --> 00:38:27,084
Good evening.
484
00:38:27,247 --> 00:38:32,002
I know what you've been saying about me,
so I am here to prove you wrong.
485
00:38:32,167 --> 00:38:36,285
Would you all please greet my wife Marlene?
486
00:38:44,047 --> 00:38:46,481
Good evening, everyone.
487
00:38:46,647 --> 00:38:52,040
- Sorry about your hair, Marlene.
- This cost me a bloody fortune up west.
488
00:38:52,207 --> 00:38:54,801
You look like Brian May in a spin dryer.
489
00:38:56,207 --> 00:38:59,119
- Tell him!
- Ignore him.
490
00:39:00,127 --> 00:39:01,958
If I may, my dear?
491
00:39:10,527 --> 00:39:12,757
Entente cordiale!
492
00:39:15,127 --> 00:39:20,440
- Got a feeling this is gonna cause trouble.
- She'll have someone's eye out.
493
00:39:25,447 --> 00:39:31,363
(THEY SING "UNCHAINED MELODY")
494
00:39:33,367 --> 00:39:38,043
So that's where she's been -
up town getting a boob job.
495
00:39:38,207 --> 00:39:40,402
She has not had a boob job.
496
00:39:40,567 --> 00:39:45,766
- Leave it out. You brought a firm in.
- I have not brought a firm in.
497
00:39:45,927 --> 00:39:50,921
I'll call Twickenham,
see if they've got any balls missing.
498
00:39:51,087 --> 00:39:54,318
She has not had a boob job.
That's all natural.
499
00:39:54,487 --> 00:39:59,925
- She never used to have boobs that big.
- How the bloody hell do you know?
500
00:40:01,647 --> 00:40:04,605
- You told me.
- Oh, yeah.
501
00:40:06,087 --> 00:40:10,080
We got a dress designer in
who made the most of what was available.
502
00:40:10,247 --> 00:40:14,718
And who was the bloke
she was seen up town with the other week?
503
00:40:14,887 --> 00:40:17,355
That bloke? That bloke was...
504
00:40:17,527 --> 00:40:20,678
That bloke was er...
505
00:40:21,687 --> 00:40:26,158
- All right. That was her plastic surgeon.
- Aha! Now it comes out, eh?
506
00:40:26,327 --> 00:40:31,845
- I thought it'd bring us closer together.
- It'll have the opposite effect!
507
00:40:33,047 --> 00:40:35,561
I hope not. It was four grand a boob!
508
00:40:35,727 --> 00:40:38,161
How much did that cost you, then?
509
00:40:40,647 --> 00:40:43,241
About eight grand, Trig.
510
00:40:43,407 --> 00:40:45,045
Blimey!
511
00:40:50,527 --> 00:40:54,440
Must be horrible going round
with a couple of big boobies.
512
00:40:54,607 --> 00:40:57,075
Raquel and I are used to it!
513
00:40:59,887 --> 00:41:04,039
- Are they laughing at me?
- No. They're just having a good time.
514
00:41:04,207 --> 00:41:06,675
We'll see about that.
515
00:41:08,847 --> 00:41:12,635
Raquel, I'm so glad
you wore that dress again.
516
00:41:12,807 --> 00:41:15,321
It's always been one of my favourites.
517
00:41:15,487 --> 00:41:19,400
That reminds me, Boyce,
we've got to collect the curtains.
518
00:41:19,567 --> 00:41:24,880
Listen! And her looking like
one of those women you put over toilet rolls.
519
00:41:25,047 --> 00:41:28,881
- Did you hear what she said?
- Yes.
520
00:41:29,047 --> 00:41:32,835
Be fair, Raquel.
Marlene's made a big effort this evening.
521
00:41:33,007 --> 00:41:35,282
You can see a struggle's taken place.
522
00:41:37,407 --> 00:41:40,638
- She's been in that bedroom for hours.
- Shut up!
523
00:41:40,807 --> 00:41:44,163
I'm just trying to defend your honour.
524
00:41:44,327 --> 00:41:50,038
Trying to defend Marlene's honour?
What have you got in the shed? A time machine?
525
00:41:51,047 --> 00:41:55,962
You're just jealous because I can afford
surgery for my 40th birthday.
526
00:41:56,127 --> 00:42:02,566
When I met you you were pushing 40.
For the last few years you've been towing it!
527
00:42:02,727 --> 00:42:07,755
Right, that's it!
Raquel, get out of the pub. You're barred.
528
00:42:08,847 --> 00:42:13,125
- What are you talking about, Sid?
- Eh?
529
00:42:13,287 --> 00:42:17,758
- No. Marlene, get out. You're barred.
- I beg your pardon?!
530
00:42:17,927 --> 00:42:20,839
Get off home and take your foster tits with you.
531
00:42:22,167 --> 00:42:25,557
- Did you hear what he just said?!
- Yes.
532
00:42:25,727 --> 00:42:27,843
How dare you?
533
00:42:28,007 --> 00:42:31,522
- We'll finish our drinks and...
- You'll get out now.
534
00:42:31,687 --> 00:42:33,723
- Right.
- Come along, Marlene.
535
00:42:33,887 --> 00:42:37,562
I've never been so insulted in my life.
536
00:42:39,367 --> 00:42:45,317
Sid, far be it for me to interfere,
but you're taking this a bit too seriously.
537
00:42:45,487 --> 00:42:50,242
- You're like Mussolini in a Harvester.
- I'm running this pub now.
538
00:42:50,407 --> 00:42:53,763
You shouldn't have banned Boycie and Marlene.
539
00:42:53,927 --> 00:42:58,318
- And why is that?
- Because it's their anniversary do.
540
00:43:02,847 --> 00:43:07,159
Excuse me! I am paying for all this.
541
00:43:07,327 --> 00:43:10,364
Right. Drinks all round.
542
00:43:30,127 --> 00:43:32,595
Raquel, where are you?
543
00:43:36,727 --> 00:43:40,481
You rotten, lying, devious, cheating man!
544
00:43:40,647 --> 00:43:44,435
- Have I upset you?
- I found that letter from the Official Receiver.
545
00:43:44,607 --> 00:43:48,520
Oh, right. Yeah.
I've come home to talk about that...
546
00:43:48,687 --> 00:43:52,236
You lied to me and to Rodney
about those letters.
547
00:43:52,407 --> 00:43:54,398
What letters?
548
00:43:57,007 --> 00:44:00,636
All right. These letters.
549
00:44:02,527 --> 00:44:07,647
"Cartwright, Cartwright & Cartwright,
Solicitors of Law." There's ten letters.
550
00:44:07,807 --> 00:44:12,244
- It looks worse than it is.
- Because half of them are Rodney's.
551
00:44:12,407 --> 00:44:15,365
You've been hiding
my personal correspondence?
552
00:44:15,527 --> 00:44:20,317
I just wanted to take the pressure off you
because of Cassandra and the baby.
553
00:44:20,487 --> 00:44:23,797
And you didn't tell me
the flat was being auctioned.
554
00:44:23,967 --> 00:44:26,242
You had all that ironing.
555
00:44:29,287 --> 00:44:35,601
It's been one bit of bad news after the other.
I was trying to protect you all.
556
00:44:35,767 --> 00:44:38,998
You're a control freak.
To you other people don't matter.
557
00:44:39,167 --> 00:44:42,762
- That is not true, sweetheart.
- You just step over them.
558
00:44:42,927 --> 00:44:48,923
And what do they do in return?
They love you so much they all try to help you.
559
00:44:49,087 --> 00:44:55,083
They all try to help me?
You wanted me to ask Boycie for a loan.
560
00:44:55,247 --> 00:44:57,886
That's the same as joining the Moonies.
561
00:44:58,047 --> 00:45:02,120
Rodney's trying to write
"Freddie Krueger And The Chocolate Factory"
562
00:45:02,287 --> 00:45:06,519
and Trigger's scratching his arse
with a chopstick!
563
00:45:07,527 --> 00:45:10,166
These people are supposed to help me?
564
00:45:10,327 --> 00:45:12,795
You ungrateful sod.
565
00:45:13,967 --> 00:45:17,642
At least I didn't suggest
forming a Hollywood film company.
566
00:45:18,647 --> 00:45:21,480
You're gonna wish you'd never said that.
567
00:45:21,647 --> 00:45:26,675
- Just bringing up a pertinent point.
- No. That's like bringing up a furball.
568
00:45:26,847 --> 00:45:29,566
You were going to form a film company?
569
00:45:29,727 --> 00:45:33,083
You see? Not me, him. Rodney.
570
00:45:33,247 --> 00:45:37,035
He wanted to make this film
about an uninhabited island
571
00:45:37,207 --> 00:45:39,402
with cavemen living on it.
572
00:45:39,567 --> 00:45:42,240
- How's it uninhabited, then?
- I don't know.
573
00:45:42,407 --> 00:45:48,721
- Then this jumbo jet lands.
- A jumbo jet? Where's the runway?
574
00:45:48,887 --> 00:45:53,199
- Well... I don't know.
- What's all this noise?
575
00:45:53,367 --> 00:45:56,677
You've got to hear the latest from these morons.
576
00:45:56,847 --> 00:45:59,407
They're going to make a Hollywood film.
577
00:45:59,567 --> 00:46:03,560
What was it? They land on
an uninhabited island in a jumbo jet.
578
00:46:03,727 --> 00:46:06,525
- Who do?
- Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts.
579
00:46:06,687 --> 00:46:10,646
- He wanted Julia Roberts.
- He wanted Liz Hurley and Jordan.
580
00:46:10,807 --> 00:46:16,757
How can you land a jumbo jet
on an uninhabited island? Where's the runway?
581
00:46:16,927 --> 00:46:21,000
Yeah. I dunno. Ask him here. Cecil B Demented.
582
00:46:27,167 --> 00:46:28,885
- I don't know.
- See?
583
00:46:29,047 --> 00:46:33,643
Maybe Fred Flintstone
and Barney Rubble knocked it up!
584
00:46:33,807 --> 00:46:37,800
And who was going to produce this masterpiece?
585
00:46:37,967 --> 00:46:40,606
Exactly. Alfred Stopcock here.
586
00:46:42,127 --> 00:46:45,005
So while we're worrying ourselves sick,
587
00:46:45,167 --> 00:46:50,844
these two are getting drunk
and dreaming of making a Hollywood film.
588
00:46:51,007 --> 00:46:55,159
- Listen to me, Raquel...
- No. You listen to me.
589
00:46:55,327 --> 00:47:00,526
You've got to make contact with reality.
Everything with you is image.
590
00:47:00,687 --> 00:47:05,807
I saw you in the pub. We're broke
and you threw money around like Elton John.
591
00:47:05,967 --> 00:47:12,236
And instead of finding work, you sit in this flat
pretending to be Quentin Tarantino.
592
00:47:12,407 --> 00:47:17,162
When we're in the Capri,
you have the windows up, even in a heatwave,
593
00:47:17,327 --> 00:47:20,478
to make it look like you've got air conditioning!
594
00:47:21,767 --> 00:47:26,966
- I know I'm not perfect...
- That is the understatement of the year!
595
00:47:27,127 --> 00:47:29,846
Unless a miracle happens, in ten days' time,
596
00:47:30,007 --> 00:47:35,798
my son and I are going to be living
in some bed and breakfast in Sodoffsville!
597
00:47:35,967 --> 00:47:41,724
If it's a miracle you want, then I'm your man.
I'm chairman of Miracles R Us.
598
00:47:41,887 --> 00:47:47,962
You're a man, Del! You'll never understand.
Just remember, only women bleed.
599
00:47:48,127 --> 00:47:51,597
Cor blimey! Only women bleed!
600
00:47:51,767 --> 00:47:53,758
Gordon Bennett!
601
00:47:56,567 --> 00:48:01,641
I am not a control freak.
It's just that I have had no choice.
602
00:48:02,647 --> 00:48:05,115
Do you realise that when I was 16,
603
00:48:05,287 --> 00:48:11,283
my old man walked out and left me
and Rodney with our daft old granddad?
604
00:48:11,447 --> 00:48:14,519
He tried his best, but he wasn't up to it.
605
00:48:16,247 --> 00:48:22,083
So I had to take over and I've been doing it
ever since and I can't get out of the habit.
606
00:48:25,727 --> 00:48:28,195
I'm gonna have a lie-down.
607
00:48:37,967 --> 00:48:39,798
All right?
608
00:48:40,807 --> 00:48:46,325
Yeah. Fine. Raquel and I
have had a quiet little chat.
609
00:48:46,487 --> 00:48:48,796
Yeah, I heard.
610
00:49:01,407 --> 00:49:05,446
You got somewhere to stay after the auction?
611
00:49:05,607 --> 00:49:08,519
Trigger said I could doss down at his place.
612
00:49:08,687 --> 00:49:14,922
There's not much room, what with
all those "X-File" videos and chopsticks.
613
00:49:16,287 --> 00:49:18,562
Oh, dear. Women.
614
00:49:18,727 --> 00:49:22,800
Do you know what Raquel said?
Only women bleed. Blimey!
615
00:49:22,967 --> 00:49:26,277
She ought to be outside the Nag's Head
on a Saturday night.
616
00:49:27,287 --> 00:49:31,883
They reckon they suffer.
They don't know what it's like to be a bloke.
617
00:49:32,047 --> 00:49:37,326
They worry about their PMT.
Us men worry about...
618
00:49:37,487 --> 00:49:39,955
- Our MOT?
- Yes.
619
00:49:40,127 --> 00:49:43,164
- Do they listen to us?
- No, they don't.
620
00:49:43,327 --> 00:49:48,481
No, they don't. She'll never meet
another bloke like me, will she?
621
00:49:49,887 --> 00:49:52,117
No, she won't.
622
00:49:53,207 --> 00:49:55,767
That's it, Rodney.
623
00:49:55,927 --> 00:50:02,765
Once the flat is auctioned...
we'll go our separate ways. I won't see her again.
624
00:50:02,927 --> 00:50:05,964
- Del, don't say that.
- No. That's it.
625
00:50:06,127 --> 00:50:12,236
She won't be able to get round me.
When my mind is made up, my mind is made up!
626
00:50:13,887 --> 00:50:16,242
(RAQUEL) Del?
627
00:50:16,407 --> 00:50:17,965
Yes.
628
00:50:18,127 --> 00:50:22,996
I just said I'm going for a lie-down.
629
00:50:33,567 --> 00:50:35,558
She's...
630
00:50:35,727 --> 00:50:39,083
She's all right really.
631
00:50:39,247 --> 00:50:42,159
She's lovely, isn't she, eh?
632
00:50:44,967 --> 00:50:47,527
Yeah. She's lovely.
633
00:51:27,927 --> 00:51:30,395
You're not with me tonight, are you?
634
00:51:30,567 --> 00:51:33,445
Sorry. Just thinking.
635
00:51:33,607 --> 00:51:35,996
I know you're worried about losing the flat,
636
00:51:36,167 --> 00:51:39,682
but my mum and dad
said we're welcome there.
637
00:51:39,847 --> 00:51:43,840
- I know you and my mum don't...
- That's great. Thanks.
638
00:51:46,047 --> 00:51:49,039
- I can't eat.
- What's wrong?
639
00:51:49,207 --> 00:51:51,801
Nothing. I'm just not hungry.
640
00:51:51,967 --> 00:51:54,800
I refuse to have this baby till you tell me.
641
00:51:56,807 --> 00:52:03,280
Take a look at this.
It's the Jolly Boys' outing to Margate. July 1960.
642
00:52:03,447 --> 00:52:07,326
This is great. Is that Del?
643
00:52:07,487 --> 00:52:10,081
Yeah. 15.
644
00:52:10,247 --> 00:52:12,966
And Trigger. Look at Trigger.
645
00:52:13,127 --> 00:52:17,166
- Keep looking.
- That must be Boycie. Those eyes.
646
00:52:17,327 --> 00:52:23,197
- And Denzil. Look at his hair!
- Yeah. Keep looking.
647
00:52:23,367 --> 00:52:27,155
There's your granddad. Ah. And there's you...
648
00:52:29,447 --> 00:52:31,199
Yeah.
649
00:52:33,047 --> 00:52:36,960
July 1960. Before I was born.
650
00:52:46,607 --> 00:52:51,442
- Where is everyone?
- I'm in the bathroom. Dinner's in the oven.
651
00:52:51,607 --> 00:52:53,404
All right.
652
00:53:09,327 --> 00:53:11,363
Dear, oh, dear...
653
00:53:13,847 --> 00:53:16,315
Bloody hell.
654
00:53:17,607 --> 00:53:20,246
So who is he?
655
00:53:20,407 --> 00:53:22,477
He's my father.
656
00:53:22,647 --> 00:53:26,276
- But your father is...
- My real father.
657
00:53:26,447 --> 00:53:29,598
My biological old man.
658
00:53:30,607 --> 00:53:33,644
I've had my suspicions for years.
659
00:53:33,807 --> 00:53:37,277
People tried to convince me
it was my imagination.
660
00:53:39,687 --> 00:53:46,240
His name was Freddie the Frog. He'd been
a Royal Navy diver, hence the nickname.
661
00:53:46,407 --> 00:53:50,639
He and my mum were... friends.
662
00:53:50,807 --> 00:53:53,241
Are you absolutely certain?
663
00:53:53,407 --> 00:53:58,845
Look at the photo, Cass.
We don't need DNA with this one.
664
00:54:04,727 --> 00:54:08,800
All right? What's the first name
that springs to mind?
665
00:54:08,967 --> 00:54:12,084
Well... Rodney.
666
00:54:12,247 --> 00:54:14,556
Exactly. Rodney.
667
00:54:16,327 --> 00:54:19,285
Who is he?
668
00:54:19,447 --> 00:54:24,680
His name was Freddie Robdal.
He was a mate of my dad's.
669
00:54:25,687 --> 00:54:29,396
My mum was having a rough time
with the old man.
670
00:54:29,567 --> 00:54:33,560
He was very handy,
if you know what I mean, with women.
671
00:54:33,727 --> 00:54:39,006
Not much cop when it came to men,
but a hard nut with women and kids.
672
00:54:40,007 --> 00:54:42,567
One day my dad brought Freddie home
673
00:54:42,727 --> 00:54:45,958
and him and my mum got on
like a house on fire.
674
00:54:46,127 --> 00:54:51,076
They had the same taste in music
and... well, everything.
675
00:54:51,247 --> 00:54:54,603
And what was he, this Freddie Robdal?
676
00:54:54,767 --> 00:54:59,636
He was a gentleman safe-cracker.
They called him the Raffles of Peckham.
677
00:55:01,207 --> 00:55:05,200
People have mentioned him before
and we sounded similar.
678
00:55:05,367 --> 00:55:09,645
He was a connoisseur of fine wines, a gourmet,
679
00:55:09,807 --> 00:55:13,925
a real snappy dresser, big-time charmer.
680
00:55:14,087 --> 00:55:16,521
So how are you similar?
681
00:55:19,447 --> 00:55:21,483
We're about the same height.
682
00:55:22,967 --> 00:55:26,437
Where's Freddie the Frog or Daddy now?
683
00:55:26,607 --> 00:55:33,365
He's dead. Back in '64, he was breaking
into a safe and he sat on the detonator.
684
00:55:33,527 --> 00:55:37,042
He sat on the detonator? Why?
685
00:55:37,207 --> 00:55:42,042
I think it's what's known,
in the underworld, as "an accident".
686
00:55:45,127 --> 00:55:48,039
And you've known all these years?
687
00:55:48,207 --> 00:55:52,758
No. At least, not when Rodney was a baby.
688
00:55:52,927 --> 00:55:57,557
When you get to 20
and your six-year-old brother is taller than you,
689
00:55:57,727 --> 00:56:00,366
it makes you think.
690
00:56:00,527 --> 00:56:03,599
I never knew really who he was.
691
00:56:03,767 --> 00:56:07,760
As a youngster,
I was told to call him Uncle Fred.
692
00:56:07,927 --> 00:56:13,479
Then a few years back,
Uncle Albert got drunk at an old folks' do...
693
00:56:13,647 --> 00:56:16,684
It was a wet corset contest.
694
00:56:19,167 --> 00:56:24,446
Anyway, he told me
all about Freddie and my mum.
695
00:56:28,407 --> 00:56:33,686
I don't know if you noticed, but there are
no photographs of my mum in this house,
696
00:56:33,847 --> 00:56:37,283
except for a couple of close-ups.
697
00:56:37,447 --> 00:56:40,803
I assumed your dad had taken them when he left.
698
00:56:40,967 --> 00:56:46,439
No. He only used to take money
and things that he could sell.
699
00:56:46,607 --> 00:56:49,360
Then Uncle Albert told me.
700
00:56:50,447 --> 00:56:56,079
It was my Aunt Rene who dealt with it
just after Mum's funeral.
701
00:56:57,087 --> 00:57:02,719
Every photograph in this house
had a picture of Freddie Robdal in it.
702
00:57:02,887 --> 00:57:05,959
My Aunt Rene knew that as Rodney got older,
703
00:57:06,127 --> 00:57:09,437
people would see the stimularities...
704
00:57:11,167 --> 00:57:13,158
...so she burnt 'em.
705
00:57:13,327 --> 00:57:15,318
Do you think Rodney knows?
706
00:57:17,527 --> 00:57:20,200
He's never been very observant, has he?
707
00:57:20,367 --> 00:57:23,325
Nah. He ain't got a clue.
708
00:57:25,367 --> 00:57:29,645
- Do you think Del knows?
- He would have said.
709
00:57:29,807 --> 00:57:33,277
- Are you gonna tell him?
- No.
710
00:57:35,407 --> 00:57:37,875
It'd break his heart.
711
00:57:40,007 --> 00:57:42,805
Will you say anything to Rodney?
712
00:57:44,247 --> 00:57:48,479
I can't. It'd break his heart.
713
00:58:02,927 --> 00:58:07,125
- Who have we got to see?
- Cartwright.
714
00:58:07,287 --> 00:58:09,926
What do you think he wants?
715
00:58:10,087 --> 00:58:15,320
You've asked me that a hundred times
and a hundred times I've said I don't know.
716
00:58:15,487 --> 00:58:19,480
Well, think hard.
We don't want to go in there unarmed.
717
00:58:19,647 --> 00:58:23,799
If we know what you did,
we can have our excuses ready.
718
00:58:23,967 --> 00:58:26,003
I've done nothing but think.
719
00:58:26,167 --> 00:58:31,799
All I know is that every business decision,
every tactical move that I've ever made,
720
00:58:31,967 --> 00:58:35,118
we've already been done for.
721
00:58:35,287 --> 00:58:38,085
It's probably nothing.
722
00:58:38,247 --> 00:58:42,001
Del, solicitors don't send you ten letters
for nothing.
723
00:58:42,167 --> 00:58:46,001
This is something
and my instincts say it's something bad.
724
00:58:49,607 --> 00:58:53,885
- We're gonna go to prison.
- Shut up, you tart. We're not.
725
00:58:54,047 --> 00:58:58,996
Cassandra's going to be bringing my baby
to visit me in Wormwood Scrubs.
726
00:58:59,167 --> 00:59:02,921
And you know the fun they get up to in prison.
727
00:59:03,087 --> 00:59:07,922
You can guarantee I'm gonna be a prime target.
728
00:59:08,087 --> 00:59:12,319
I hope they put us in separate cells,
you depressing git.
729
00:59:12,487 --> 00:59:18,005
How do you expect me to feel?
In a few weeks I could be someone's bitch!
730
00:59:20,367 --> 00:59:26,124
Some great big ugly geezer's
gonna choose me to be his special friend.
731
00:59:26,287 --> 00:59:29,962
All you've got to say is, "Oi! None of that."
732
00:59:30,127 --> 00:59:32,800
He'll say, "I'll look after you, Rodney."
733
00:59:32,967 --> 00:59:37,597
He'll lend me his Rolling Stones CD
and then we'll be engaged.
734
00:59:37,767 --> 00:59:40,361
At least we'll have a party, then.
735
00:59:41,887 --> 00:59:44,447
I'll ask for solitary confinement.
736
00:59:44,607 --> 00:59:49,283
No, don't do that.
You don't want a reputation as a tease.
737
00:59:52,287 --> 00:59:56,997
- You're enjoying this.
- Just listen to me, dopey.
738
00:59:57,167 --> 01:00:00,762
The lawyer has asked us to come in for a chat.
739
01:00:00,927 --> 01:00:07,162
This whatever it is is a civil matter.
You only go to prison for a criminal offence.
740
01:00:07,327 --> 01:00:13,766
That means a police prosecution.
Do you see any Mr Plods around here?
741
01:00:13,927 --> 01:00:19,797
Yes. I'm so stupid.
I just let my imagination run away with itself.
742
01:00:23,167 --> 01:00:29,686
- But if the worst comes to the worst...
- All right. I'll go in the showers first.
743
01:00:35,527 --> 01:00:39,315
- I've been doing a bit of thinking.
- Mm?
744
01:00:39,487 --> 01:00:42,479
You know that photo that Sid lent me...
745
01:00:43,687 --> 01:00:47,043
Gentlemen? Mr Cartwright will see you now.
746
01:01:00,007 --> 01:01:05,001
Gentlemen, please take a seat.
So... at last we meet.
747
01:01:06,127 --> 01:01:11,326
You two have proved very elusive.
I've been writing to you for three months.
748
01:01:11,487 --> 01:01:17,517
- Yes. Sorry about that. We've been busy.
- We've had a few problems recently.
749
01:01:17,687 --> 01:01:23,205
I heard. I took the liberty of speaking
to your solicitor. He related a tale of woe.
750
01:01:23,367 --> 01:01:27,918
The international stock market
can be a fickle thing.
751
01:01:28,087 --> 01:01:30,920
No. I was referring to his unpaid bill.
752
01:01:32,367 --> 01:01:38,124
Oh. We were discussing that
out in your waiting room. It's in the post.
753
01:01:38,287 --> 01:01:41,836
I'm sure. Let's attend to the matter at hand.
754
01:01:42,007 --> 01:01:44,805
Can't you just tell us the worst?
755
01:01:44,967 --> 01:01:49,995
Tell us what you're suing us for
and we'll tell you why we can't pay.
756
01:01:50,167 --> 01:01:54,206
Mr Trotter, you seem to be
under the wrong impression.
757
01:01:54,367 --> 01:01:58,645
Did you read my letters?
I said I had something that may be of interest.
758
01:01:58,807 --> 01:02:03,358
My firm acted as solicitors for your great-uncle,
Albert Gladstone Trotter.
759
01:02:03,527 --> 01:02:05,995
Oh, no.
760
01:02:06,167 --> 01:02:10,240
All right. What did he do?
761
01:02:10,407 --> 01:02:15,561
Nothing, as far as I know.
This is a reading of his last will and testament.
762
01:02:17,047 --> 01:02:19,959
- Albert left a will?
- He didn't have nothing.
763
01:02:20,127 --> 01:02:22,118
Well, not quite.
764
01:02:22,287 --> 01:02:27,156
When you came into your fortune,
you made Albert a very generous gift.
765
01:02:27,327 --> 01:02:30,239
Yeah. We saw that he was all right.
766
01:02:30,407 --> 01:02:36,084
But that would be six years ago.
He's probably blown all that.
767
01:02:36,247 --> 01:02:41,321
Not entirely. As you know,
Albert lived a very simple life.
768
01:02:41,487 --> 01:02:44,604
He didn't buy properties or Rolls-Royces,
769
01:02:44,767 --> 01:02:48,396
didn't care for Caribbean holidays
or Hawaiian cruises.
770
01:02:48,567 --> 01:02:54,119
He simply invested your gift, and in
a far more stable area than you managed to.
771
01:02:54,287 --> 01:02:58,644
All his investments were blue-chip -
not very exciting, but stable,
772
01:02:58,807 --> 01:03:01,844
and bringing in a small interest.
773
01:03:02,007 --> 01:03:04,475
He's left his entire estate to you.
774
01:03:04,647 --> 01:03:08,879
Before I do the legal reading,
let's cut to the chase.
775
01:03:09,047 --> 01:03:14,599
After death duties,
he has left you the sum of P145,000.
776
01:03:18,247 --> 01:03:20,636
Er... each.
777
01:03:25,007 --> 01:03:27,475
(MOBILE RINGS)
778
01:03:31,967 --> 01:03:37,246
Hello? Raquel. Raquel!
You'll never guess. We're saved.
779
01:03:37,407 --> 01:03:41,480
It was all about Uncle Albert and his will. Hm?
780
01:03:42,487 --> 01:03:44,159
We're on our way.
781
01:03:45,847 --> 01:03:48,725
She's in delivery room ten.
782
01:03:49,927 --> 01:03:52,760
- I don't know if I can face this.
- Course you can.
783
01:03:52,927 --> 01:03:57,318
You gotta be there for the birth.
You'll never forgive yourself.
784
01:03:57,487 --> 01:04:00,001
- No, you're right.
- Here y'are.
785
01:04:01,007 --> 01:04:04,283
This is it. Give us your coat.
786
01:04:05,487 --> 01:04:09,036
Good boy. Right. Go on, then.
787
01:04:17,887 --> 01:04:21,038
Oh, bloody hell.
788
01:04:21,207 --> 01:04:23,198
I'm sorry.
789
01:04:25,807 --> 01:04:29,925
What are you playing at?
You just wander in for a look?
790
01:04:30,087 --> 01:04:35,241
- It weren't like that. I... I'm sorry.
- Bleedin' perv!
791
01:04:40,727 --> 01:04:43,958
It was room 16, not ten.
792
01:04:44,127 --> 01:04:49,281
- I nearly got a punch on the nose.
- Shut up, you tart. Come on.
793
01:04:53,767 --> 01:04:55,962
- Rodney...
- I gotta be there for the birth.
794
01:04:56,127 --> 01:05:00,279
- You can't be there for the birth.
- What?
795
01:05:01,967 --> 01:05:05,039
They've had to give Cassandra
a Caesarean section.
796
01:05:05,207 --> 01:05:09,280
- What's happened to my baby?
- The baby's been delivered.
797
01:05:09,447 --> 01:05:11,642
Mother and child are fine.
798
01:05:17,167 --> 01:05:19,397
Mr Trotter?
799
01:05:36,607 --> 01:05:41,158
- Are you all right, sweetheart?
- I've never felt better in my life.
800
01:05:43,087 --> 01:05:45,555
She's a love, isn't she?
801
01:05:57,647 --> 01:06:01,037
Well... What do you reckon?
802
01:06:03,887 --> 01:06:06,606
She's like a work of art.
803
01:06:08,047 --> 01:06:12,199
Yeah. Lovely jubbly.
804
01:06:34,407 --> 01:06:37,479
What are you gonna call her?
805
01:06:37,647 --> 01:06:40,480
I don't know yet.
806
01:06:40,647 --> 01:06:45,038
Me and Cass had this agreement.
If it was a boy, she'd name him.
807
01:06:45,207 --> 01:06:51,077
- If it was a girl, I could name her.
- You're not going to hold me to that?
808
01:06:52,847 --> 01:06:54,326
Oh, yeah.
809
01:07:13,207 --> 01:07:16,995
What were you saying on the phone
about Uncle Albert?
810
01:07:17,167 --> 01:07:21,046
Oh, I'll explain it all later.
811
01:07:21,207 --> 01:07:26,998
All I'll say is the auctioneers can go
and stuff themselves 'cause we are staying put.
812
01:07:36,367 --> 01:07:37,846
Del.
813
01:07:55,487 --> 01:07:57,955
A work of art.
814
01:07:59,367 --> 01:08:01,961
Yes, you are.
815
01:08:30,687 --> 01:08:34,475
Did you love him? Did he love you?
816
01:08:37,167 --> 01:08:41,399
I hope he made you happy.
You know... a few laughs.
817
01:08:44,647 --> 01:08:47,241
I've got two photos of you.
818
01:08:48,247 --> 01:08:51,762
But that's it. That's my past.
819
01:08:52,607 --> 01:08:56,839
My history is two photos. One of them's blurred.
820
01:08:59,207 --> 01:09:02,040
Don't matter.
821
01:09:05,767 --> 01:09:08,759
I hope she'll be as lovely as you.
822
01:09:08,927 --> 01:09:11,395
Well, she will.
823
01:09:14,487 --> 01:09:19,197
I wish I'd known you. I wish we'd had...
824
01:09:21,007 --> 01:09:23,840
Well, you know, something to...
825
01:09:24,007 --> 01:09:27,079
(CAR APPROACHING)
826
01:09:27,247 --> 01:09:29,966
Just something.
827
01:09:37,967 --> 01:09:41,516
If you bump into Uncle Albert, say thanks.
828
01:09:45,767 --> 01:09:50,363
There you are, Rodney.
I've been looking for you.
829
01:09:50,527 --> 01:09:55,123
I thought I'd take her out for a walk.
Did a bit of tidying up.
830
01:09:58,127 --> 01:10:01,483
She's a little heartbreaker, eh?
831
01:10:02,767 --> 01:10:06,237
- Have you got a name for her yet?
- Mm.
832
01:10:30,967 --> 01:10:33,435
Joan. Do you like your name?
833
01:10:37,367 --> 01:10:39,835
Del, can I ask you a question?
834
01:10:42,287 --> 01:10:44,676
What's that?
835
01:10:46,807 --> 01:10:51,517
Other than looks, was he like me in any way?
836
01:10:52,687 --> 01:10:57,044
- Who?
- You know who. Freddie Robdal.
837
01:10:58,687 --> 01:11:00,678
My father.
838
01:11:02,807 --> 01:11:07,437
Freddie the Frog was a professional burglar.
839
01:11:07,607 --> 01:11:09,916
He was disloyal to his friends.
840
01:11:10,087 --> 01:11:13,762
He was a womaniser,
a home-breaker, a con man,
841
01:11:13,927 --> 01:11:16,964
a thief, a liar and a cheat.
842
01:11:18,447 --> 01:11:23,237
So, no, Rodney, you're nothing like him.
843
01:11:26,727 --> 01:11:29,799
Come on. Let's go home, bruv.
844
01:11:46,967 --> 01:11:50,960
- Can I ask you a question, Rodders?
- Fire away.
845
01:11:51,127 --> 01:11:53,925
Where did that runway come from?
846
01:11:54,087 --> 01:11:57,204
(LAUGHTER)
847
01:11:57,367 --> 01:11:59,927
I don't fancy making that film any more.
848
01:12:00,087 --> 01:12:04,126
You know what, Rodders?
That's a bloody good idea.
849
01:12:09,927 --> 01:12:13,442
# We've got some half-price cracked ice
and miles and miles of carpet tiles
850
01:12:13,607 --> 01:12:16,599
# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
851
01:12:16,767 --> 01:12:19,520
# Ball games, gold chains,
what's-their-names and at a push
852
01:12:19,687 --> 01:12:22,565
# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits
from a mush in Shepherd's Bush
853
01:12:22,727 --> 01:12:25,400
# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush
854
01:12:25,567 --> 01:12:28,365
# No income tax, no VAT
855
01:12:28,527 --> 01:12:31,724
# No money back, no guarantee
856
01:12:31,887 --> 01:12:34,640
# Black or white, rich or broke
857
01:12:34,807 --> 01:12:39,323
# We'll cut prices at a stroke
858
01:12:39,487 --> 01:12:42,445
# God bless Hooky Street!
859
01:12:42,607 --> 01:12:45,485
# Viva Hooky Street!
860
01:12:45,647 --> 01:12:48,002
# Long live Hooky Street!
861
01:12:48,167 --> 01:12:51,603
# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!
862
01:12:51,767 --> 01:12:55,123
# Magnifique, Hooky Street!
863
01:12:56,407 --> 01:12:58,204
# Hooky Street
864
01:12:59,487 --> 01:13:01,284
# Hooky Street
865
01:13:02,607 --> 01:13:04,245
# Hooky Street... #
70205
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