Original subtitles

[marching band playing]

[male announcer] Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

All right. Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Now let me get this straight, you want us all to chip in

and buy Sergeant Carter a birthday present?

[in southern accent] That's exactly right.

You're kidding! Why?

Well, he helped us all get through boot camp,

- you included. - That's some favor.

Sometimes I think he got us through boot camp

just so he could have another crack at us now.

Now that's downright foolish, Duke, and you know it.

You don't give somebody a gift

just because they done somethin' nice for you.

That ain't the true spirit of givin'.

You give somebody a gift because you wanna give it to 'em.

Didn't you know it's more blessed to give than to receive?

Kill me.

I'm surprised at you, Duke.

A man's birthday is an important thing.

Especially this one, it's Sergeant Carter's 35th one.

Now, that's a real important one.

Well, so was my 25th birthday,

and you know what I did on my 25th birthday?

In the morning, I took a 12-mile hike,

in the afternoon, I had three hours of calisthenics,

and at night, I had eight hours of guard duty.

See? Because of Sergeant Carter,

you'll always remember your 25th birthday.

Gomer, you're unbelievable.

Well, I ain't askin' for a whole lot.

We could get Sergeant Carter a real nice gift

if every man in the squad would chip in one dollar.

One dollar? What do I look like, a millionaire?

Gomer, do you know what a dollar means?

A dollar's a lot of money. You can buy a lot of things with a dollar.

A dollar, that's five beers.

That ain't much, Duke.

If you wanted to, you'd give up them five beers.

All right, to show you what a nice guy I am,

I'll chip in two and a half beers, fifty cents.

Come one, Duke, make it five beers.

- Three beers? - Five beers?

All right, five beers. One dollar.

Come on, let's get it up. Everybody, get it up.

One dollar, one dollar.

They ought to send you out at Christmas time

with a tambourine, Gomer.

Come on, Larry, get it up.

Thanks, Duke.

You know, you're a real good person.

Now we just gotta figure out what we can get

Sergeant Carter for his birthday.

How about a bullhorn?

His voice is so low, I can hardly hear him.

You got a real good sense of humor, Duke,

but I think we ought to pick out

somethin' special for the Sergeant.

I think we ought to get him a sentimental gift.

A sentimental gift? How about a whip?

Come on, fellers, now this is serious.

Look, Gomer, this was your idea,

so I nominate you to pick out the gift.

- No, I think... - All those in favor say "aye."

- [all] Aye. - The "ayes" have it.

You won the election, you pick out the gift.

Well, good afternoon, Private. May I help you?

Yeah. I'm lookin' to buy my Sergeant somethin'.

Tomorrow's his birthday.

It's his 35th, and that's a real important one.

Oh, you bet it is. What do you have in mind?

Well, you see, all the fellers in the squad chipped in,

and we wanna get him somethin' real nice.

Well, we have some handsome gift items over here,

uh, cigarette lighters, cuff links, tie clasps...

If you don't mind my asking, uh, what would you like to spend?

Oh, I'd like to spend a hundred dollars.

Oh!

But I only got 16.

Oh.

Well, I'm sure we can find something here for 16 dollars that you'll like.

Say, how about this imported pocketknife with two blades?

My, that sure is pretty.

Scissors.

Well, what do you know about that?

Screwdriver.

Well, looky there, a real screwdriver.

Bottle opener.

My, that sure is handy. I think he'd like that a lot.

Nail file.

Aw, shoot. He's got one.

No sense in givin' him somethin' he's already got.

Of course not.

That's a shame. That knife would be perfect

if it didn't have that nail file on it.

Hey, what's that right there?

- This? - No, to the left.

- This? - No, I'm sorry,

to my left, not your left.

- This? - Forward a little.

- This? - No, I'm sorry, it's forward to me,

but it's backwards to you.

- This? - In front of that.

- This? - No, I mean behind it.

- This? - Yeah.

It's a cigarette lighter.

Oh. He's got one.

Why don't you just give him a 16 dollar gift certificate?

Oh, we couldn't do that.

We've got to get him a sentimental gift.

Sentimental.

Hey, is this watch here very expensive?

Well, that is a little more than you have to spend.

It sure is a beauty though, huh?

It's not only a watch, it's also a calendar.

Well, I'll be dogged. A calendar?

Is it much more than 16 dollars?

Well...

'Cause if it is, I guess I'll just have to keep lookin' here

till I find somethin' else.

Oh.

Well, um, I'll tell you what, uh,

since you're being so nice to your sergeant, uh,

I'm gonna let you have this watch for 16 dollars.

Shazam!

Well, that sure is nice of you.

I'll never forget you for this.

- Oh, that's all right. - There's just one more thing.

What's that?

Can I have somethin' engraved on the back of it?

Oh, absolutely. I'll even include it in the 16 dollars.

Well, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this.

- My pleasure. - Listen, you won't be sorry.

'Cause I promise, from now on,

I'll do all of my shoppin' right here.

When do you think we should give it to him?

What's the matter with right now?

Why not? After all, it's his birthday.

Let's go over to the company office and surprise him.

Right.

[chattering]

[Carter] Where are you goin'?

Out to goof off a little?

[Gomer] No, sir.

You bet you're not!

And wipe that silly grin off your face!

Now, all of you, hear me and hear me good!

I'm sick and tired of your sloppy, careless ways!

This squad is becoming

a bunch of thoughtless, forgetful pumpkin heads!

I think you'd forget your own heads

if they weren't tied to your shoulders!

Cochran and Pyle, you both forgot to lock up your rifles!

Gottschalk, Slater, and Pyle,

you're forgetting to keep your wall lockers closed!

Felcher, you forgot to fill your canteen!

And, Pyle, you forgot to salute an officer

coming out of the mess hall this morning!

You're just lucky he didn't see you!

And that's just part of the list.

Now, we've been through all of this before,

so I'm telling you for the last time,

you better not forget one more thing!

Because if you do,

if you forget one more thing...

Sergeant? There's one thing we didn't forget.

That's wonderful, Pyle.

One thing! One thing you didn't forget?

I can't wait to hear what it is!

What didn't you forget, knucklehead?

Happy birthday.

[all] Happy birthday, Sarge.

Gee,

y-you--you fellas didn't have to do this.

I know we didn't have to. We wanted to.

It's, uh, nice.

It's-- It's real nice.

I don't know what to say.

Well, open it up.

All right. See what's in there.

PRIVATE 1 : Just take a look, Sarge.

[paper rustling]

Hey, that's real nice.

- [all chattering] - Hey, it's a watch.

And--And it matches my ID bracelet.

It's a calendar, too. See that "24" on there?

That means it's the 24th of the month.

It don't tell you the month.

You got to remember that yourself.

[Duke] Look who's talkin' about havin' to remember things,

the guy that forgot to salute the officer.

I sure picked some day to chew you guys out, huh?

[Larry] Oh, forget it, Sarge.

Well, it--it--it's beautiful, fellas.

I appreciate it. Uh, I really do.

Look on the back of the watch, on the back there.

[Duke] Read it, Sarge.

"With all our esteem on your 35th birthday."

Thanks, fellas.

I'll always remember this birthday.

This is an important one. This is your 35th.

Yeah. That is kind of a milestone, huh?

Gee, Sarge, 35?

That's almost the same age as me and Burns put together.

That's right. I never thought of that.

How long you been in the Marines, Sarge?

Let's see, um, I guess it's 18 years.

Yeah, 1946.

Hey, that's the year I was born.

[Duke] Gosh, Sarge, you've been in the Marines

more than half your life.

That's right, I have.

Boy, how time flies, huh?

Seems like just yesterday I was in Korea.

- That was 1950. - [Gomer] 1950?

You was in Korea and I was in grade school.

Miss Costello, 7B.

[Duke] Aren't you ashamed of yourself, Gomer?

While Sergeant Carter was over in Korea fightin' for our country,

there you were in Mayberry, just learnin' how to read and write.

Well, the Marines sure haven't hurt you none, Sergeant.

I hope I look as good as you do when I'm 35.

Thanks.

PRIVATE 2: Gee, 35. You're only three years younger than my dad.

[all chuckling]

Well, uh... Thanks again, fellas,

for the present.

I sure am glad we helped to make this

a happy birthday for you, Sergeant.

Yeah. Thanks, Pyle.

Thanks a lot.

You know, Gome, I gotta hand it to you,

you really got to the Sarge. He was really touched.

You know, I'm glad you talked me into it.

That wasn't worth five beers to me, that was worth 40 beers.

He sure looked like he appreciated it.

When he left, he could hardly talk, he was so happy.

"With all of our esteem on your 35th birthday."

35th birthday.

MAN [over radio] ...and it contains only health-giving ingredients.

So remember that name, folks,

Rejuvenate, the tonic that makes you feel young again.

Remember, Rejuvenate is made especially for you people over 35.

That's the age when you start feeling...

[commentator 1] Experience and a good left hook will win for him.

That's why I think the champ will retain

his heavyweight championship in tonight's bout.

[commentator 2] Well, I have to disagree with you, Jerry.

I think age is gonna make the difference.

The challenger's young and aggressive,

and I don't think the champ can make it

if he has to go 15 rounds against his youthful challenger.

The champ's stamina and legs just aren't what they used to be.

You have to remember, he's no kid anymore.

He's 32 now, and many of us feel that he's over the...

[clicks off]

[bugle playing reveille]

I wonder where Sergeant Carter is.

He ain't never been late for reveille before.

Must have been out celebratin' his birthday last night.

I didn't hear the bugler. I had the windows closed.

I guess that little extra sleep felt good, Sergeant,

especially after your 35th birthday.

What do you mean by that crack?

I didn't mean it as no crack, Sergeant.

We just thought maybe you was out celebratin' last night...

Don't play games with me, Pyle!

I know what you're thinkin'!

- You think I'm getting old, right? - No, Sergeant...

Yeah, that's what you're all thinkin', isn't it?

Yeah, sure, I know,

you were born the year I joined the Marines!

And you were in kindergarten when I was fightin' in Korea!

Well, let me tell you all something!

I can still run the whole lot of you

into the ground any day of the week!

And just to prove it, let's do some deep knee bends right now!

Come on!

All you have to do is as many as old Sergeant Carter!

All right?

Hands on hips!

Put those hands down until I say "Place"!

Hands on hips! Place!

Ready? Exercise!

Hut! Two! Hut! Two!

Hut! Two! Hut...

- [groans] - [Gomer] What's the matter, Sergeant?

Don't touch me, Pyle! I'm all right.

Please, Sergeant. I think I can help you. Please let me try.

My back!

[yells in pain]

Hey, it's okay.

You did that like you knew what you were doin'.

Well, I've had a lot of practice.

My grandma used to have the same thing you just had.

I used to straighten her out.

Poor thing, though, she started walkin' crooked.

Your grandma?

Uh-huh. It come to her in her twilight years.

Get back in formation, Pyle.

But you ought to rest a while, Sergeant.

That's what grandma used to do after she had an attack like that.

I said, "Get back in formation"!

- She'd put a mustard plaster... - Pyle!

Now let's start again!

Hands on hips! Place!

Ready? Exercise! Hut!

[groans in pain]

Don't touch me, Pyle!

Maybe you ought not do anymore of them deep knee bends.

I could get some dry mustard...

I'm not your grandmother!

Now, this is different. I'm perfectly all right.

It's-- It's just an old war injury from Korea.

It acts up now and then.

But I'd better get over to sick bay just to play it safe.

That's what I call a real smart idea.

You go over to sick bay and play it safe.

I'll be right back.

What are you gawking at?

Get busy policing up the area!

All of you!

[exclaiming] He's startin' to walk crooked,

just like grandma, poor thing.

The pain in your side, is it gone now?

Yes, sir.

Despite the bent position you're now in?

I'm sorry, sir.

Look, Sergeant, there's nothing for you to worry about.

You had a simple muscle cramp, that's all.

It's nothing else?

Nothing else, but don't forget one thing,

you can't make those sudden moves like you did when you were younger.

Younger? What do you mean, sir?

You know, like you did a few years ago.

It's nothing like hardening of the arteries, is it, sir?

You're fine, Sergeant.

Yes, sir.

I don't understand, Private.

Why are you so concerned about Sergeant Carter's back?

Well, I apologize for takin' up your time, sir,

but Sergeant Carter's really got me worried, and the other fellers, too.

It ain't only his back.

He just hasn't been actin' hisself lately.

He's been kind of mopin' around ever since the party.

- Party? What party? - His birthday party.

The fellers all chipped in and we gave him a watch.

He just turned 35.

Oh, so that's it, 35-it is.

- 35-it is? - It's a common ailment.

You see, Private, some men feel when they reach the age of 35,

it marks the end of their youth and the beginning of middle age.

Quite often, they start imagining all sorts of aches and pains.

But the pain that Sergeant Carter had

sure seemed real enough to me.

Of course. And if Carter continues to worry about getting old,

he'll actually feel pain even though nothing's wrong with him.

In technical language,

that sort of condition is known as psychosomatic.

Psychoso... Psychosomatic.

In a few days, your sergeant's confidence

will come back to him and everything will be okay.

Well, thank you, sir.

- Psychoso... - Psychosomatic.

Lordy, there's a lot of sicknesses these days.

Hey, what's the matter with you kids?

Those packs too heavy, huh?

I'm 35 years old. Look at me, huh?

Oh, all right, you weaklings, halt!

Take five.

Well, well, well.

Tired are we, huh?

Maybe I should charter a bus to come all the way out here

and pick us all up and take us back to camp, huh?

Golly, Sergeant, just look at you.

All of us is just as tuckered as we can be.

Just look at you, you ain't hardly worked up a sweat yet.

Well, I'll give you kids a little tip.

Always carry a candy bar in your pack.

[Carter] It gives you that extra energy when you need it.

I've got one right here, Sergeant.

Then give it to him, he needs it.

Who did this?

Who?

Why, Pyle?

Why'd you do it?

Well, it was... It was just that you'd been feelin' poorly lately,

and this is just a way to help you get you over that bad period

and get your old confidence back.

With straw?

Rocks, I can understand.

That might get my confidence back, but straw?

Well...

Thanks, Pyle!

Thanks a lot!

Just tryin' to make an old man feel young, right?

[groans]

Come here, come here, come here.

Hey, guys, Wait'll you hear this.

- [all] What? What? - You won't believe it.

We're losin' Sergeant Carter.

PRIVATE 1 : Sergeant Carter? PRIVATE 2: Why? What happened?

I don't believe it. Sergeant Carter? Where would he go?

He's askin' to be transferred to a desk job.

Golly! Are you sure, Duke?

Well, that's what Farley Obitz said and he ought to know.

He's a clerk over at headquarters.

- Did he tell you why, Duke? - Yeah.

Carter thinks he's gettin' too old to be a duty sergeant

so instead, he's gonna be pushin' a pencil.

Well, all I got to say is, I feel sorry for the pencil.

That's good, Larry. Hey, Gome, Larry says...

Where'd he go?

Don't you understand, Private?

That was just the wrong thing to do.

I didn't say you should make it easy for him.

That will only convince him he can't do it himself.

The only thing that will help him gain back his confidence

is if he proves to himself he can still pull his own load.

He has to find out he's a man who can carry his own weight.

Then he'll get over his psychosemantics?

Yes.

Gomer, I wanna be the first to say this, you're crazy!

Believe me, Duke, this'll work.

And you want us to ask Sergeant Carter to take us on a hike?

Uh-huh.

I've already packed his pack here with rocks.

Rocks?

[thud]

When he finds out he carried a pack this heavy,

he'll be all over his psychosemantics.

- His what? - That's doctor talk.

Now, come on, fellers.

Y'all don't want Sergeant Carter to leave us, now do you?

[all] Well...

What is this, a coffee klatch? I ain't transferred yet.

Hey, Sergeant. We was just talkin' about you.

- My day is made. - Since you're gonna be Ieavin' us,

we thought it would be real nice

if you took us on sort of a goin'-away hike.

Huh?

We sure would appreciate it, wouldn't we, fellers?

- [all] Yeah. - See?

You're kidding!

You mean you want me to take you on a hike?

You know, for sentimental reasons, somethin' we could remember you by.

Pyle, if anyone else but you said this,

I'd swear they were pulling my leg.

All right.

It's a hike you want, it's a hike you'll get.

Everybody fall out with full field packs!

Come on, let's move, let's move!

Come on, move it!

Um, I just knew you'd do it, Sergeant,

so I went ahead and fixed your pack for you.

Oh, no.

We've been all through that, remember?

Forget it! You guys wanted the hike.

I'm just going along for the company.

All right, fall out! Come on, move it, move it, move it!

- Thanks a lot, Gomer! - Yeah, you and your great ideas!

[Carter] Squad, halt!

On your feet, Pyle! You asked for this hike!

Oh!

Pyle, get...

What's the matter, Pyle, are you hurt?

Twisted my ankle, and it pains me somethin' awful.

- Here, let me take a look at it. - [yelling]

Looks all right to me. See if you can walk on it.

It's no use, Sarge. Maybe it's broken.

It's not broken.

Now somebody's gonna have to

carry you all the way back to camp.

I guess so.

You're the only one that's not wearin' a pack.

What are you doin', Pyle?

I'm eatin' a candy bar.

You remember, said it was good for energy on a hike?

- Hey, you want a bite? - No!

Squad! Halt!

Left face!

All right, the rest of you men fall out.

[all] Aye, aye, sir!

All right, come on, Pyle. I'll take you over to sick bay.

Well, uh, uh, Sergeant, you see, uh...

What's wrong?

Well, look, my foot seems a whole lot better.

Look...

I can walk just fine.

Truth is, it wasn't ever really that bad.

Oh, I get it,

that was a sentimental hike?

You wanted to make a fool out of me?

I carried you five miles for nothing?

I ought to kill you for this, Pyle!

Don't say for nothin', Sergeant.

You carried me, and look at you,

you ain't out of breath, you ain't even tired.

See? You're strong.

You're just as strong as you always was.

And you thought you couldn't carry your own weight.

Why, you can carry your weight and mine, too.

Now, if that don't give you your confidence back,

I don't know what will.

A man that can do all of that,

he'd be wastin' his time behind a desk.

Yeah.

See? Now you're all over your psychosemantics.

What?

Nothin'. Just, "Welcome back."

Thanks, Pyle.

Good-lookin' watch, Vince.

- Sure was nice of the guys. - Yeah.

Yeah, you know, I remember when I was a kid.

Things were so tough, that I didn't get a birthday present

till I was 11 years old.

My family had it rough, too.

I was born right in the middle of it,

year of the crash, 1929.

My old man worked morning, noon and night.

- He was never sure where his next... - Hey, Sergeant?

How much is nine from fifteen?

Six! What's the matter, can't you subtract?

There were days when we didn't even have enough to eat.

Two from five is three.

Hey, Sergeant, do you know somethin'?

You ain't 35, you're 36. How 'bout that?

And all the time you thought you was 35, you're really 36.

Pyle, rake that area!

[yelling] Come on, move, move, move, move...