All language subtitles for Family Guy - S15E06 - Hot Shots

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

We now return to
Rational Geographic.

Upon
realizing a trip to Africa
would be smelly and gross,

our crew decided to
stay in the office.

Mom!
Dad! A bat! A bat!

Oh, my God!
There's a bat
in the house!

Okay, all right.
Everybody just calm down.

It might just be
Grandpa Munster.

Somebody set him
up for a funny joke.

Hey, Grandpa,
how did you sleep
last night?

Yeah, see, if it was him,
he would have said,

"Like I do every night,
upside down."

Okay. But, Peter,
we can't have a bat flying
around the house,

we got to do something.

Don't worry,
Lois, I'll get
rid of it.

It'll be a piece of cake.

Just like my penis enhancement.

I want it to hang
down to my knees.

They moved up my knees.

Everybody, I've come up
with the perfect plan
to catch the bat.

I bought this remote
control toy helicopter

to which I've attached
this handgun.

And I tell you, this
thing is not easy to fly.

Peter, that doesn't
seem very...
Here it goes.

Now I don't have
anything to control
the trigger with,

so I put it on a timer.

I don't remember
how long I set it...

Ah! We're all
gonna die.

Okay, so now the bat has a gun

and the knives I gave him.

What? Why would you
give it knives?

I didn't think it would matter,

I was counting
on this helicopter
thing working.

Peter, where are you?
What's going on?

In order to understand the bat,

we must first
understand the vampire.

So I watched
Interview with
the Vampire.

Cast your gaze upon Lestat.

Peter, you're not
a vampire.
Oh?

Then why am I
clad in velvet pants

tucked into soft leather boots?

And why does my shirt bellow so

in the wind of
that rotating fan?

Peter, what's really going on?

I'm just trying to
reinvent my look.

A guy at work said
I dress like crap.

Well, you show
him tomorrow, Peter.

How'd it go?

I was sent home early
and labeled a distraction.

They're having a meeting
about me tomorrow.

Wha... What's wrong?

Are we taking
a terrible
7:00 a.m. flight?

No, no.
I realized, to catch a bat,
I need to live like a bat.

So I got to be up at night.
It's a nocturnal
mission, Lois.

Okay, but what are you gonna do?

Well, as everyone knows,
bats watch a ton of
Cinemax soft-core porn,

so that seems like
the place to start.

Aha!

- Welcome back to
- CNBC's Money Line.

Oh, come on, man.
Nobody's buying that.

You expect me to
believe you own stocks?

Bat Industries
was up $2 a share
today in heavy trading.

Huh?

Get back here! Damn it!

God!

I got you now, Bat Damon.

I named you Bat Damon.

Aw, now I want you to live.

Oh! Oh! What is it?

Ah!

Ow!

You can beat me,
but I am who I am.

Peter, what the hell
did you do to
Stewie's hand?

It could be broken.

I didn't mean to.

It's just, sometimes,
I don't think
before I act.

Oh, hey! High five!

Hey! Did you just
high five that sign?

Yeah.
You think differently.
Get in.

His name was Derek,

but he went by "The Prophet"
when times were good,

or "The Law Giver"
when times were bad.

I moved on to his prayer farm

with 45 other members
of the Salvation Star Boys

who died in a mass suicide.

But not me,
'cause I don't like root beer.

And I only drink what I like.

After it was all over,
I called Lois to pick me up.

She was mad.

But she's what Derek calls
"an oppressing doubter."

May the light of
Derek's invincible
diamond shine through you.

Oh, thank you so much
for coming in early,
Dr. Hartman.

Oh, no problem.
Hell, I used to
work here.

What?
Good news.

Stewie's hand looks fine.

Oh, hey!
High five.

Huh.

As long as you're here,

I see Stewie
hasn't had his
vaccinations yet.

Should we take care of that?

Well, I suppose so.

But first, I'm required
to have you read
this pamphlet

about the risks of vaccinations.

God, you're aging so rapidly.

Possible side effects.
Fever, severe
allergic reaction,

muscle, and joint
pain? Wait, this
can't be right.

They actually put
some of the disease
in the shot?

Hey, man. How many
questions
your lady ask?

Uh, like a million.

I don't remember
having to read
any of this

when Chris and Meg
had their vaccinations.

Well, that was before
Internet chat rooms
made everybody an expert.

It's a better world now.

I don't know about this,
Dr. Hartman.

We might need
a little bit of time
to think this over.

Yeah, 'cause
we don't wanna
make a big mistake.

Like when I peed
next to the chatty guy.

Hey, man.
We should get out of here.
The building's on fire.

Hey, pal.
Not now. I'm busy.

Anyway,
I'll tell you what's
on fire. My urethra.

That's the last time
I go to a water park,
I'll tell you that much.

Well, that's not completely true

'cause I have a Groupon
and I'd hate to waste it.

Plus the truth is the kids...

Oh, my God.
I was the chatty guy.

Hey, you guys.
Is that my laptop?

Yeah, sorry. We were
looking something up.

We were gonna get
Stewie vaccinated,

but now, after
our research,
we're definitely not.

Oh, now, Lois.

Don't tell me you
fell for all that
anti-vaxxer crap.

It's not crap, Brian.
There's a lot of
evidence to suggest

there's a link
between vaccinations
and autism.

Lois, all that
so-called evidence
has been debunked.

Listen to some of
these ingredients.

Mercury, thimerosal,
aluminum, formaldehyde.

Lois, deciding not
to vaccinate Stewie

is something that
affects all of us.

The only reason they work
is that if a critical mass
of society

gets immunized, then
the diseases won't spread.

Look, Brian, I was
skeptical too,

but then I did some research.

And I found some
very interesting things

from the leader
of the anti-vaccination
movement,

Jenny McCarthy.

See. Proof.

Hard to argue with that.
And look at this one.

Glasses.
Case closed.

I can't believe you guys.

Don't you realize
you're contributing

to a potential
public health
disaster

by not vaccinating your child?

That's exactly
the point. My child.
He's my child.

And nothing matters
more than his well-being.

Oh, God. This is gonna be
a Lois story, isn't it?

Game of Thrones is on.
Just a reminder.

Yeah, we made this
mistake before.

We got the other
kids vaccinated,

but Meg's still got chicken pox.

Dad, this is acne.

Girl, you nasty.

You realize the vast
majority of people
think that you're wrong.

Well, maybe that's the problem.

We just got to
change their minds.

We're getting
this town to change
its mind about vaccinations.

Yeah, I'm with you.

Just as soon as I finish
getting the word out

about the one thing
more important.

The brothers who
made The Matrix
are ladies now!

They're ladies!

Just one of them?
That's the thing!

It's both of them!
What are the chances?
What are the chances?

The brothers who made
The Matrix are ladies now!

All right.
Come on, Peter.

I've got all
the stuff for our
anti-vaccination rally.

I don't believe this.

It's bad enough
you guys aren't
vaccinating Stewie.

Now, you're
trying to convince
other people

to make the same
reckless choice?

I'm also gonna pat
a bunch of dogs
without asking.

Don't do that.
We don't like that.

Then I'm gonna try
and look at their teeth.

Brian, all we want
is for parents to
have the choice.

Because parents
know what's best
for their kids.

I hear Sansa finally
shows boob in this one.

You do realize
they're putting your
life in danger

by not getting you immunized.

You could get measles,
mumps, rubella,
whooping cough.

Oh, my God!
Are you serious?

Very serious.

Even the tiniest germ
could make you very ill

and left untreated kill you.

Really? I'd expect
this kind of thing
from the fat man,

but not Lois.

Although, she did
act like a nut case

that time she went
shopping right
before Thanksgiving.

Ready for Turkey Day?

Clever.

Don't eat too much
turkey tomorrow.

Oh, I won't.

Now if only the meal
would cook itself, huh?

Parents of Quahog
and weekend dads playing
three minutes of catch.

Do you know that the number
of childhood vaccines

has tripled in
the last generation?

And why is that?

Because heartless
corporations make
billions of dollars

by hoisting garbage
and poison upon
our children.

We demand that these
vaccines be tested by
independent researchers,

not by the companies
who make them.

Excuse me, are you
the lady selling
the bullhorn?

What? No.

I'm over here!

Damn it!
This doesn't
seem to be working.

Well, obviously, Lois.
You can't just go
to a park

and list a bunch
of boring facts.

You got to spice things up.

Like I did when
I was a lounge singer

with uneven lyric density.

This is a song I wrote
for my beautiful girlfriend.

Her name is...

♪ Kim

♪ I don't understand
why your father had such
problems with us, Kim

♪ Mostly I think
it's because I don't make
my car payments on time

♪ But also because
I was dating someone else
at the same time as Kim

Two, three,
four, five, six, seven,
eight, nine, ten, eleven.

♪ Kim

♪ I love you

♪ But mostly I love
that you let me eat
crackers in the bed

♪ Kim ♪

Thank you!

Yeah, that's enough of that.

What the hell?

Peter, is that you
on TV right now?

Oh, yeah. That's my
anti-vaccination PSA.

Hi. I'm a medical guy.

And I'm here to give you
the facts about vax.

Fact! Vaccinations
cause autism, paralysis,

and even death,
death, death, death...

Fact! Vaccinate
rhymes with masturbate.

Would you let a doctor
do that to your kid?

Fact!

I still think
Michelle Williams
is Carey Mulligan.

Fact!

Medical delivery for
bad ass karate doctor.

Oh, yes, those must be
the bones and skulls.

I see no boob bones.
The victim was a man.

Wow!

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

Say no to vaccines.

Paid for with
Meg's college fund.

What the hell is all this?

I'm trying to protect
myself from all
those diseases

I'm not vaccinated against.

Speaking of which,
do you have any idea

the germs you routinely
track into this house?

From now on, I'm going to ask

that you wear these
shoes while indoors.

Where did you get those?

Put them on and lick your lips!

Stewie, you might be
taking this too far.

Proper hygiene depends
on everyone, Brian.

For instance,
I've already
saran-wrapped Chris.

I'm a gas station sandwich.

We interrupt this program
with breaking news.

Childhood vaccination
rates in Quahog

have dropped to an all-time low,

fueled by a recent
media campaign

led by local meddler,
Peter Griffin,

shown here in the basket
of Henry Thomas' bicycle.

That can't be real, right?

Oh, I knew one of these
had to be my house.

Damn it, Peter.
Thanks to you,
nobody in this town

is vaccinating
their kids anymore.

Do you even realize
the harm you've caused?

Harm? What are
you talking about?

I'm making the world
a better place.

Like when I was
the Instagram police.

Sorry, lady, got
to crop the chach.

I will take this.

And cutaway complete.

Man, there is a lot
of bad art in
these hallways.

All right, Stewie,
see you after school.

Wait a minute,
where are all
the other kids?

Haven't you heard?
There's been
an outbreak of measles.

It's because everyone
stopped vaccinating
their kids.

Oh, my God.

And it's not just our school.

Kids all over town
are getting sick.

Attention! Attention!

What the hell?

People of Quahog!
Your town is under quarantine.

Until further notice, no one
may enter or leave the city.

Oh. That's the guy
who bought the
bullhorn at the park.

This is awful.
It's all our fault.

And look. Joe's arguing
with the state policeman
over jurisdiction.

Thanks, Swanson,
we'll take it from here.
It's a state matter now.

No way.
This is my town.

Thanks, guys,
the feds will
take it from here.

Oh, no.
This is my state.

Hi, I'm a crossing
guard who can walk,

so I've jurisdiction
over all of you.

Must be serious.
They brought in
the big guns.

You happy now, Lois?

Because of you,
there's a measles
epidemic,

and the whole town
is quarantined.

Speak for yourself, Brian.

I, for one, am enjoying
the indoor family time.

Who's up for another game
of Hot Breath Telephone?

We're all gonna die!

Chris, you're supposed
to whisper that to
the next person.

Peter, Brian's right.
We were wrong
about everything.

We've got to get
to the hospital
and get Stewie vaccinated.

It might be
a little too late
for that.

I kind of destroyed
all the vaccines in town.

All right, what else
did I have to do today?

Oh, yes.
Overdose in my apartment.
I better get home.

You destroyed all the vaccines?

Yeah, but it is fine.
There's nothing
to worry about.

Is anyone else
feeling feverish, achy,

and acutely sensitive to light?

Oh, my God, Peter.
You've got measles.

Now, hold on, hold on.
Before we all freak out...

It might just be
full body herpes.

Wait, you guys.
Dad might not have
been vaccinated.

Didn't grandma
say he was born
in Mexico?

Nobody remembers that, Meg.

We got to keep you
away from Stewie.
You'll get him sick.

Oh, my little
guy's gonna be fine.

All he needs is a good
old fashioned game

of Hot Breath Telephone.

Measles.

I've got to get
out of this house

or I'll be in worse shape
than John Goodman.

I've got your EKG here.

How does it look?

Well, it spells out pancakes.

Oh. Okay.
So, same as last time.

I'm recommending you go
on a strict diet immediately.

Nope. Horses that make
it look like I can walk,

take me to Hollywood.

All right,
I'm almost done packing.

I got it down to
four bags and a hat box.

I'm gonna need
some help, Rupert.
Rupert?

Ew. That's
the tushie thermometer.

Dear God, you're burning up.
I have to get out of here.

I'm sorry, Rupert.
But the situation here
has become unbearable.

Like talking to someone
with adult braces.

So, yeah, last weekend
Sheila and I took
the kids up to the lake,

it was great.
We had great
weather,

we fired up the barbecue,

Sheila's parents
came up towards
the end of the...

When are you
gonna get those off?

Meg, you must
carry on my legacy.

Promise me,
you'll crop the chaches.

Crop them, Meg.
Crop them all.

Peter! Stewie's gone!
I've looked everywhere!

Oh, Lois.
I'm feeling
a little better.

I think I could
keep down deviled eggs.

Lois, what's wrong?

I can't find Stewie.
He must have gotten
out of the house.

God knows how far he's gone.

Well, look.
There's a family
circus dotted path.

It'll lead us right to him.

Oh, it's just Billy.
He died of measles.

And here come Marmaduke
to lick up the vomit.

Lucky.

If I can just escape
this quarantine and
make it to the next town,

I'll be able to get
that vaccine I need.

Stewie, I'm you from the future.

You've got to get
the hell out of town
before you get sick.

Yeah, I know.
That's what I'm doing.

Okay, I'm really here
because I know
you have glue.

Give me the glue.

Oh.

Stewie, listen to me.
Never ever do this
great thing I love.

There's the bridge out of town.

So, we're all there at The Clam,

just kinda
making music together,

and then Peter, of course,
had to join in
and clap his hands,

and I said,
"That's enough of that!"

Yeah, I kinda run the group.

I'll just have
to go around them.

Good lord!

I hope my shoe doesn't fall
to make me realize
how far the drop is.

Oh. My orthotic
was in there.

Stewie!

Where are you?

Lois, what's going on?

That's one of my
sidekick's wives.

He says he's in
charge of the group.
Is that true?

No, not in the
slightest. But, Joe,
Stewie's gone missing.

We can't find him anywhere.

Lois, look!

I don't know if he can
hold on much longer.

We got to get him down.

Stewie, hang on!
Mommy's coming.

Oh, no! Upside down train!

Stewie!
Oh, no!

Sean Penn?

That's right.
Two-time Oscar winner,
Sean Penn.

What are you doing here?

I'm bringing vaccines
into your quarantined town.

Any time there's
a public health crisis

in the third world land,
I'm there.

Third world?
This is Rhode Island.

Oh, really? Have you seen
some of the delis
on Federal Hill?

Rhode Island slam!

I like you, Sean Penn.

Oh, my God.

You saved my baby.
Thank you so mu...

Oh. Sean Penn.

You're the one
who played that
homosexual?

Yeah.
All right, well,

I'll take my son now.

I've brought enough
vaccines for
your whole town.

I hope you've realized

that vaccinations
are not a freedom
of choice issue,

they're a public health issue.

Thanks to them,
countless serious
diseases,

mumps, polio, small pox,
and rubella have been
all but eradicated.

Like clean water and
functional schools,

vaccinations are a human right.

Great. Just what I needed.
A lecture from
liberal Hollywood.

This whole thing
has been a lecture from
liberal Hollywood.

Well, it's a relief
that everyone's
been vaccinated

and the quarantine
has been lifted.

I'm just happy
that Stewie is healthy
and only 150 people died,

but not anyone
we knew personally.

Yeah, I know I sure
learned something.

Hey, do you like apples?

Yeah.

Well, I got her number.
How do you like
them apples?

Oh, Bat Damon!
You got the best
of me again!