All language subtitles for Family Guy - S15E04 - Inside Family Guy

We now return to
Doctor Who Farted.

Doctor, the alien attack
has begun!

We've got to return
to the 21st century.

Uh, we can't go
into the time machine
right now.

But they're going
to kill us all!

All right, all right.
Just one second.

So, how was your weekend?

Is it your line?

I don't... Uh, no,
I don't think so.

I'm sorry.
Whose line is it?
Cut!

That was Peter's line.
Where's Peter?

Sorry, I was in my trailer
eatin' fancy nuts and smokin'.

All right, everybody, take five.

Okay. I'll be
in my dressing room,
playing online poker.

That's me asking for help.

Hi, I'm James Woods.

You might know me
from banging your niece

on the pile
of your brother's
pool equipment.

Or from Salvador.

But tonight,
I'm here to take you

behind the scenes
on the set of Family Guy.

For the first time ever,
you'll see

what a typical
production week is like

for TV's 11th favorite family.

So, please join me
as we go Inside Family Guy.

Well, it's certainly
not easy being a family

that also happens to star
in a sitcom together.

Especially last year,
when I discovered
those naked pictures

of that 18-year-old
intern on Peter's phone.

But he explained
that his phone number

was the old number of...
Of her ex-boyfriend, so...

What was it again?
Oh, the cloud. That's right.

So, the photos were on the cloud

and that the cloud
pulled the pictures.

I mean, even if the pictures
had not been
sent directly to him

and that's why he has them,

and we both called
the Apple Store

and they said
they can't disprove

that it doesn't happen,
so, here we are.

Still married.
Still on the show.

And it's happened
five times since then,

and some of the pictures
had both Peter
and the girl in them.

Being on this show reminds me
of one of my favorite
quotes from Macbeth.

What's the quote?
Whoa.

I didn't realize
this was a trial.
Objection, Your Honor.

Oh, yeah, it's great.
You know, doing a show
with your family.

'Cause what guy doesn't wanna go

to his office
and have his family there?

You know, and then
you go home after work
and catch up with the family.

And then, uh,
next day, same thing.

Just trying to make it
to the weekend,

so you can, uh,
spend some time
with the family.

Isn't that the dream?

Now, I, I understand the show

was quite different
when it started.

Yeah, in the original pilot,
I was actually the star.

It was called Chris Griffin,
Teen Doctor.

Sir, I'm afraid
I've got some bad news.

Well, it can't be any worse
than what's in here.

I ad-libbed that line.
I wasn't even
supposed to talk.

What they didn't know is that

I'd been privately doing jokes
about the newspaper for years.

But, you know, it's not just
the Griffins who work hard

to make Family Guy what it is.

Here in the props department,

some sweaty guy is working
on the Petercopter.

That's right. You know,
a lot of people don't realize

SEAL Team Six actually
completed their mission
in this puppy.

Oh, cool! Family Guy!
Over here! I'm down here!

Knock-knock.

Yeah?
Hi, Stewie.

I was
just showing the viewers
around Family Guy,

and we thought we'd drop in
and talk to you
about the show.

You wanna talk about the show?

I'll talk about the show.
The show sucks.

The only reason I stay here
is to maintain my profile

for my start-up business,
Discreetcrepe.com.

Hi, are you a straight
adult male who likes
to eat crepes

without people making
unwanted assumptions
about your private life?

Go to Discreetcrepe.com.

Place your order,
and within 30 minutes...

Very masculine pizza delivery
for Stewie Griffin.

Oh, thank you.

Mmm, strawberry-banana Nutella
with raspberry drizzle.

Now I just need
a guy's butt to eat
this off of,

and I got myself a night.

But of course, every episode
of Family Guy
starts with the writing.

And here we are,
the Family Guy writers' room.

Where the writers
are hard at work
with the show's talented cast.

Look don't get me wrong, guys,
I, I think it's hilarious,

and I totally get
that the sex thing

is what made me popular, but...

Would it kill us to just
once tell a joke
that brings glory to God?

Eight years ago,
Glenn opened a restaurant

where he was spying on ladies
peeing in the bathroom.

As part of
the class-action settlement,

he entered rehab
and that's where
he found Jesus.

The restaurant was
called Sprinklers.

That should have been a tip off.

He still runs Dumpies,
but I'm pretty sure
that one's legit.

As the star of the show,

Peter likes to stay involved
in the writing process.

All right, butthorns.
Which one of you idiots
wrote this script?

Uh, I did.

Oh, what'd you write it,
like, on a computer?

Yeah.

So, you know
a lot about computers?

Yeah.

Can you show me
how to turn off
the flashlight on my phone?

Don't touch my phone!

And another thing,
I read this piece
of garbage script.

It's only one page.
That's never gonna cut it!

Uh, that's just the cover.
You can turn the page,
like this.

Well, why are you
hiding all these pages
behind the first page?

What's wrong with them?

Stand by your work or get out!

Now, spit in
each other's mouths.

You know I'm only tough on you
'cause I hate you, right?

Yeah, over the years,
Peter's become just
a total nightmare.

I mean, you know,
he's not Jim Belushi.

He's not peeing in
Snapple bottles on set,

which is, like,
a totally real thing.

But he's pretty bad.

Dad refuses to interact
with any actors on set.

He'll only rehearse
with helium balloons

with crudely drawn
faces on them.

I'm sorry, Meg,
but you're grounded.

But, Dad,
the prom is tonight. Over.

You heard
your father, Meg. Over.

Peter, are you read
to hit The Drunken Clam?

Over.

It's difficult
having to give up
my chair for the balloon.

Well, that's the business
we call show.

Excuse me, Joe.

The fat man's behavior
has been deteriorating
for quite some time,

and I think
someone may have placed

an anonymous phone call
to the network about it.

Word around the stage is,
they've decided
to finally fire Peter

and replace him
with another actor.

And this time, it's permanent.

Not like when we killed off
Brian for a few episodes,

so he could shoot
that crappy movie.
What was it?

It was a remake of Old Yeller,

where the dog
gets the drop on him
and kills him first.

I'm sorry.

No. I'm sorry.

They miscalculated
the number of dogs
who buy movie tickets.

It's actually pretty awkward.

I mean, Dad's the only one
in the whole production

who doesn't know
he's being fired.

But he'll find out tomorrow
at the table read.

This is how we did that.
Bet you didn't know.

The table read
is where the Family Guy
cast reads aloud

that week's script,
to see how the story
and the jokes are working.

And where Peter will learn
he's being
written off the show.

Okay, everybody,
welcome to the table read
for this week's episode

entitled, "Peter Dies,
We're Really Serious,

"No Joke,
He's Dead and
Never Coming Back."

Oh, and there's other pages,
you gotta turn them.

Here, let me show you.

"Interior:
Griffin's living room.

"Day. Brian, Meg
and Chris watch TV.

"Lois enters upset."

"You guys,
I have terrible news.
Your father is dead.

"He was shot in the head
while killing himself.

"I suppose he had his demons
and his enemies."

Wait, I'm... I'm what?

Oh, oh, I know.
Stewie's gonna fire up

his time machine and undo this.

"Stewie enters."

"Brian, bad news.

"My time machine
got a virus that causes

"Dad to die again
if it's ever used."

Oh, well, you know what,

I bet this is all Chris' dream.

"Wow, I am wide awake."

Okay, but there's
no way this is real.

They'd have
to bring in someone
to replace me.

"Uncle Ricky, played by
sitcom buzzard
David Spade, enters."

"Hi, everybody."

"Uncle Ricky!"

"Hey, guys.
The time period called,
they want an object back."

"Aw, do we have to go
to Dad's funeral?

"Let's just play
with Uncle Ricky instead."

"The family cheers.
They do not miss Peter."

I'm sorry, Peter,

but the production
just can't deal with
all your nonsense anymore.

We're letting you go.

Oh, please don't do this.

I'm begging you,
just give me one more chance.

Okay, fine.

All right. That's it.
You're fired!

And you guys
are all okay with this?

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

This is painful for all of us,

but we just don't see
another option.

Yeah, Peter, we love you

and you're still
part of the family.

Just not part of the show.

Look, I don't know
who brought this on,
but maybe it's for the best.

All right, fine!
You bastards can fire me,

but at least I'm leaving
with my dignity.

Have a good life, Mr. G.
Your penis is out.

Welcome back to
Inside Family Guy.

I'm your host
and angel investor
to The Fappening, James Woods.

Boy, we picked
quite a week to document

the production
of a Family Guy episode.

Yesterday, Peter Griffin
was fired from the show

and replaced by David Spade.

Given the surprising
development, we decided
to follow Peter

and see if our cameras
could capture
his story as well.

We caught up
with Peter at Hollywood's

legendary Chateau Marmont Hotel,

where I once engaged
in the consensual

murder of
an underage prostitute.

So, what's your plan?
Are you going

to be staying here for a while?

Yeah, well,
I figured if my family
doesn't want me on the show,

there's no reason
I should keep
living with them.

I... I mean,
there's no hard feelings.

Um, I just feel like
this is best for me

and this is best
for those cancerous dicks.

And what's next
for Peter Griffin?

Well, starting tomorrow,
I'm getting back out there.

I already got an audition to be

the caring dad
for a Cheerios commercial.

Hey, Dad?
Yeah, bud?

When you were a kid,
what did you want to be
when you grew up?

Well, I wanted to be a rockstar.

Why didn't you become one?

'Cause of you, bud.

I smiled at one girl
in a cell phone store

and now, here I am,
stuck eating cereal
for dinner with a kid.

You'll always be
a rockstar to me, Dad.

You ruined my life.

I'm going to bed.

Wednesdays are rehearsal days
here at Family Guy.

And the first rehearsal
with David Spade
appears to be going very well.

"Uncle Ricky,
what are all these
strippers doing in our house?"

"Uh, each other."

Hmm?

Oh, my God! I'm sorry,
I just...

Did you see the way he smirked?

He's like a naughty
53-year-old boy!

Who is this guy?
I'm not familiar with him.

That's David Spade
from Just Shoot Me.

I don't know that one.

He was in Grown Ups, Joe Dirt
Saturday Night Live.

Saturday what how?

He was also in some movie
called Senseless.

With Marlon Wayans? Oh, yeah!
He played Scott Thorpe!

Donna, I'm here
with Scott Thorpe!

That's right!
From Senseless.

Yeah, I gotta be honest.
I'm having a blast.

You know, now that
I'm not tied down by the show,

it's given me more time
to pursue my true passion.

Weaving sexually
explicit tapestries
featuring the Minions.

Did you have any questions
about the artist?

Thursdays at
Family Guy are reserved

for shooting
all those flashbacks

and cutaway gags
we love so much.

And what most people don't know

is that all these gags
are directed by James Cameron.

What's that?
I'm sorry.

Apparently,
I misread the cue card.

They're directed by James,
the cameraman.

Tell us,
how did you get the gig?

I sold Vicodin
to some of the producers.

What a wonderful
Hollywood story.

You know, many viewers think
our cutaways are just
whipped together,

but they actually go through
a rigorous testing process
before filming.

This is the planet Jew-piter
and he could say,

"Next year
is my star mitzvah."

They love it.
Tell the director.
Where is he?

It says don't take it
with alcohol.

But you should
take it with alcohol.

Yeah, duh.
I also need a couple
for the girl I'm babysitting.

Meanwhile, David Spade
is making lots
of friends on set.

Yeah, I'll definitely
talk to the writers.

I agree, there's a lot about
your character
that's still untapped.

Okay, thank you.
Because like, yes,

I'm greased up
and, yes, I'm deaf.

But what else am I?

Totally.

Thanks, man.
Okay,
we're ready for you.

I'll be right there.

Who's the new kid?

Hot chihuahua!

Unfortunately,
things aren't going
quite so well for Peter.

Yeah, it's an '09,
fully loaded,
extra cool AC. Great.

I just made 500
flippin' a Honda.

All I did was
Armor All the dash. Boom.

Hey, any mail for me?

Yes, your death threats
to Grimace
have all been returned.

Well, has the Shamrock Shake
period been extended?

I believe that's still seasonal,

but while I have you,
your bill remains unpaid.

And we saw you
selling our robes on eBay.

I'm afraid
we're evicting you
from the hotel.

What's your home address?

I'm sorry, sir. Now, do you
wanna leave the regular way

or do you want our Uncle Phil
to throw you out?

I think you know what I want.

Door was unlocked.
I'm sure that's fine.

Well, this seems like
a really cheery place, and...

Looks like some guy
named Brooks was here

and I think this is gonna
work out just great.

You don't
miss your show
or your family at all?

Of course I miss my family.

But everything comes
to an end eventually,
and you just...

You just gotta
keep moving forward.

Are you gonna be all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

In fact, I was just
about to melt
some cheese on chips

if you wanna stay for a sad,
single guy dinner.

You're going oven or microwave?

Uh, microwave. I don't know
how to turn on the oven.

Those, uh, chips are
gonna be chewy, Peter.

Friday night is
tape night here
at Family Guy.

But tonight, they'll be filming

the show without Peter Griffin.

I have to admit,
it's a little strange
taping a show without Peter.

It, it just doesn't feel right.

I'm especially going to miss
the fat man's bit
with the audience,

where he fires
the T-shirt cannon
at his own head.

You know he once
tried to hold up
a store with that thing?

All right,
everybody on the floor.
Empty the register!

Please don't do this.

Oh, yeah?
You wanna be a hero?

Here's what happens to heroes.

Anybody else want to be a hero?

Ooh, me, me, me!
Over here! Over here!

And with regard
to Peter's replacement,

well, as his parents
and previous co-stars
have learned,

a little of David Spade
goes a long way.

David, the line is,
"What's for dinner?" Go again.

What's for dinner? Hmm?

Okay,
we can trim that in editing.

He's getting on people's nerves.

I mean,
there's only so many jars
I can open for one man.

Lois, I want pickles!

Coming!

He has tiny hands.

But when one of my rings
went down the drain,
he got it right out.

Meanwhile,
Peter has wound up here
at the Chinese theater

where panhandlers dress up
like iconic movie characters

and charge tourists for photos.

It's even seedier
than it sounds.

Step right up,
get your picture taken
with beloved comic icon,

Little Lotta, just two dollars.

Who are you?
Uh, Little Lotta.

She was friends
with Audrey and Dot.

Never heard of her.

That's it. Screw this.

I am taking back my TV show
and my family.

Ah, we just missed her.

Hey, Smitty.
I'm here to get my show back.

I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin,
but we have specific orders

not to let you
onto the lot.
Seriously?

Well, I suppose
you could come inside
if you had an idea for a show

the heads of the network
wanted to buy.

Bumbler with a Tumblr.

So, you see,
he's got a Tumblr account
and he's clumsy.

We really like the idea
that the words rhyme.

Absolutely, but just a thought.

What if he doesn't bumble?

Um, I... I guess so.

And are we married
to the Tumblr account?

The bought the pitch,
but, um, after
a series of network notes,

Bumbler with a Tumblr
eventually aired as
Bamblr with a Famblr.

Which made sense to nobody
and is now in
its third season.

It did also get me on the lot.

All right, stop the show!

Dad!
That's right,
I'm back.

And, Chris,
I brought you a T-shirt

of Kermit the Frog
acting like a hip-hop guy.

That's so dope.

Don't put it on.
It'll fall apart.

But listen, everybody,
I realized something.

I've been a real jerk.

To you guys and to all
the union fat asses

that I assume do something
to keep this thing going.

The fact is, I got
too big for my britches.

But I know now
that I'm nothing
without all of you.

Oh, that's nice of you to say.

Thank you, Stewie,
who I can understand.

And if you guys can find it
in your hearts
to take me back,

well, then I promise
that every day,

I'll prove to you
how much the show

and how much my family
means to me.

Aw, Peter. Of course
we'll take you back.

Oh, welcome back, buddy.

We missed you so much.

My online poker problem
is burning like a wildfire.

Well, there's only
one problem.
What's that?

What are we gonna do
about David Spade?

Don't worry,
I already took care of that.

I got Sofia Vergara deported.

Hey, everyone, cuchi, cuchi.

I'm your mother now.

So, all right.
Let's do a show.

Oh, wait,
if my character's
still alive,

that means we don't have
a script to shoot.

Oh, look at this.

We just happen to have
a whole extra script
right here.

"Pete, Don't Fail Me Now."

Sounds like
I might be a teacher.

Oh, I have a goatee up till
the first commercial,
and then I'm a teacher.

Every week Peter becomes a diva.

So, the writers
write a fake script
killing him off.

He storms out,
then by Friday's taping

comes crawling back
and we shoot the real script.

Of course, he always forgets
by Monday

and then he becomes
a pain in the ass again.

Does it bother me
that he does this every week?

Uh, why don't you ask my Camaro?

So, I guess
this actually was
a very typical week

on the set of Family Guy.

Thanks for joining us.

I'm James Woods,

and we'll close
tonight with a supercut

of every time
in the show's history

that Peter got
hit in the crotch
with a bag of nickels.

Ow!

Damn it!

Oh!

Why?

Hey, Lois,
you should do that thing
that I like...

Hey, kids,
have you seen my wallet?
Oh, nickels!

Son of a bitch!

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
we have now
reached our cruising...

Ah, damn it!

Boy, can't beat
this weather...
Who is that kid?

Hello? Uh, hang on,
I'll check.

Phone call for a bag
of nickels...

At least he was alone.
They usually travel in threes.

Ow! Crap!

Ah, nickels!

Oh, damn it!

Do you think I'm ever gonna
be able to have...

Ow!