All language subtitles for Family Guy - S14E03 - Guy, Robot (Uncensored)

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

We now return
to stand-up specials

from comedians
you've been told to like.

Please welcome Aziz Ansari.

What's up, y'all?

Sometimes I start
a sentence really soft,

and then get loud!

He's hilarious,
'cause I saw him
in the other show.

What are you talking about?
How's that funny?

He didn't even tell any jokes.

Uh, if he didn't tell jokes,
why was he laughing?

Well, that's about
as much HBO
as we're gonna get

before they play
something homosexual.

Come on, Chris.

God, that's what passes
for comedy these days?

Whatever happened to
our venerated humorists?

Here we go.

Samuel Clemens, Mark Twain.

Same guy.

Huck Finn.
Not a guy.

Look, the point is,
I could do stand-up comedy.

All I need is a newspaper
and this twisted mind.

Why waste your time
with stand-up, Grandpa?

All the best comedy's
on Twitter now.

Really?
Yes, stand-up is
so 20 years ago.

Twitter's only three years ago.

Check mine out.
I've got 10,000 followers.

"I feel like we should
wait to hear Adele's
ex-boyfriend's songs

"before we choose sides."

Who's Adele?
Just keep reading.

"Hey, short guys,

"the more muscular you get,
the shorter you look.

"Did you not know that?"

That one seems a little mean.

Just give me the phone.
No, no, no.

"I was wondering why
this tampon commercial
was so long

"until I realized
it was a rerun of
Sex and the City."

Was it a rerun on basic cable?

Because, sometimes,
they edit those a lot,

and that could be why
you were confused.

Mmm, that's interesting, Brian.

A girl in Iowa asked me
the same question.

You know what I did?

I flew her out here
and fucked her in the face.

So, yeah. Twitter.

Look, those are
cute blurbs, Stewie.

But I think I'm gonna
put together a real act
for real people.

Good luck.

God, it's like
I'm the only person
in the house

who gets social media.

That'll get it started.

Where the hell's Peter?

I'm almost done doing
the 45 minutes of stuff

a woman my age needs to do
right before bed.

I can't even remember why
I sleep in this belt anymore.

Hey, Chris, don't tell
your mom I threw up
in the Crock-Pot.

Peter, it's me.

Oh, I'll be right back.

I gotta go tell Chris
something gross.

Just come to bed.

All right, fine,
but I'm not gonna
brush my teeth

and I'm gonna fart super-hot.

Get up, you're on
my side of the bed.

Peter!

We act like we didn't take
a lot from The Simpsons,

but we took a lot
from The Simpsons.

Damn it.

Oh, my God, what happened
to your side of the bed?

These springs are shot,
and it's all damp over here.

Are these mushrooms?

That's where Smurfs is.

Or are.

Smurfs.

Hey, who handles
multimedia here?

Because I have a slide
of the Capitol Building

that I'd like
projected behind me.

And, yes,
it is supposed to be
upside-down.

You a comic?

Satirist, yes.

Hey, could you imagine
if you're me,

and your alarm goes off
and you wanna sleep
for 10 more minutes,

and you say,
"I'm Tom Tucker
and this is the snooze."

I usually say "news."
That's why it's funny.

Coming up, my backstage meltdown

where I shove a waitress
for no reason.

Hey!

What is with all the bad
cleaning supplies?
Am I right?

I mean, Mr. Clean,

more like,
Mr. Hard-to-Clean.

Fantastik, more like Terrible.

Windex, more like Lose-dex.

Get off the stage!

No, no, no.

All right, you guys
like impressions?

Here's that guy Bob
from Bob's Burgers.

"Hi, I'm Bob from
Bob's Burgers."

How about that show Archer?
You watch that show Archer?

Here's that guy Archer.

"Hi, I'm Archer
from that show Archer."

Now, what if those guys met?

"Hey, Archer. It's Bob."

"Hey, Bob. It's Archer."

Thank you.

If you can't
enter a building
unless there's a ramp,

you might be a paraplegic.

If everybody in the bus
gives you a dirty look

after they had to wait
another nine minutes
at the stop,

you might be a paraplegic.

If your wife waits
for you to fall asleep

so she can smoke
a cigarette while sadly
looking out the window,

and you're only
pretending to be asleep
because you're depressed

remembering how some
sixth graders threw
pennies at your head

when you wheeled
past their school today,

and you realized
you did the same thing
when you were their age...

I'm sorry, I forgot
where I was going.

Next up, let's keep it
going for Brian Griffin.

All right, thanks.

Hey, sorry I was late
getting here tonight.
I was caught in gridlock.

And then I left Congress.

There was...
There was supposed to be
an upside-down picture

of the Capitol behind me.

Awfully quiet in here.

Sounds like John Boehner
talking about poverty.

Whoosh.

Hey, so, um...

You know, maybe it's me,

but I kind of feel like
we should wait to hear
Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs

before we choose sides.

Yeah, and hey, short guys,

the more muscular you get,
the shorter you look.

Did you not know that?

Wow. This is easier
than getting your
jet ski license.

All right, Kyle, looking good.

You got 100%
on your written test,
100% on your water test.

Just one last question.

Have you ever
had a fist fight
with your step-dad?

Which step-dad?

You passed!
Here's your license.

Go be a dick.

Oh, Lois, I slept great
on your side of the bed.

Oh, and I read your journal.

Boy, you really hate
P-period, G-period.

Peter, our mattress
is a disaster.

We're buying a new one today.

Does that mean I can skip work?

Well, it's 2:45,
so I guess, yes.

Hey, so how'd it go last night?

Well, let's just say
I got asked
to come back tonight.

You're kidding.
It actually
went over well?

I figured you'd be terrible.

Why would you think that?

Well, I know
a thing or two
about performing.

I mean, after all,
I was Vin Diesel's
acting coach.

Okay, Vin, I like
what you're doing there,

but I want you to try it
one more time like this.

Duh!

Look around, and let me know
if you have any questions.

Oh, I have one.

What percentage of
Hayden Panettiere
is dwarf?

Well, you're the expert.

What kind of mattress
do you have?

Currently, I'm staying
with a friend

on an air mattress
in his laundry room.

It's temporary. No.
No, it's not.

Okay, well, thanks,
we'll just try a few out.

I hope you don't mind.
I brought my CPAP machine.

Also, I like to eat
a big bowl of berries
before I go to sleep.

Well, what do you think, Peter?

It seems good,
but I won't know for sure
until I have my evening tug.

I think we like this one.

What's it called?

Deep Slumber 3000.

You're buying it
on Amazon, aren't you?

Yup. They have
drones now.

Oh, Come on, Peter,
we gotta beat the drone
to the house.

Real stores suck!

So, I was wondering why
this tampon commercial
was so long

until I realized
it was a rerun of
Sex and the City.

Okay, you guys
have been great.
Good night.

Funny stuff.

Hey. Uh, Stewie,
you, uh...

You caught the show?

You bloody thief!

Every joke
you told up there
was stolen from me!

Hey! I'm in the middle
of my set here.

I don't go to your job
and knock the jib sail
out of your hands.

Stewie, relax.

You know what? That's it.
You and I are
no longer friends.

Whoa, I'd be careful,
Stewie. I'm basically
your only friend.

Oh, go to hell, Brian!

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh! It's everywhere!

Hey, Stewie, you got a second?

I have nothing to
say to you, Brian.

Besides, I'm busy playing
with my new friend.

What new friend?

Is this dog
bothering you, Stewie?

What the hell?

You couldn't
find a real friend
so you built a robot?

Oh, not a robot, Brian.

He's a human mind model
adaptive supercomputer.

I've even programed him
to learn and grow smarter.

His name is Lyle.

Stewie, perhaps
we should offer
this guest a beverage.

Or simply lift the toilet seat.

Ooh.
Snap, Brian.

♪ Gloria

What the hell is going on?

What's going on?
You've been Lyle'd.

♪ Gloria

♪ I think they got
the alias... ♪

Wow.

Didn't know we'd have
to hear the whole song.

You built a robot?

This is pathetic, Stewie.
You really must be
desperate for friends.

Oh, I'm desperate?

Lyle, access Brian's phone.

Look at that.
You only have
four contacts.

And, oh, my God,
you downloaded the
Dunkin' Donuts app?

And who shazams the Beatles?

Whatever, have fun
with your little robot.

But if you ask me,
this whole thing
is more disturbing

than a dump after a beet salad.

Oh, right.

Okay, Lois,
I dabbed some toothpaste
on the inside of my nose,

so I'm willing to take

the old Nestea Plunge,
if you know what I mean.

I guess what I'm saying is,
time to break in
the new mattress, eh?

Peter, it's brand new.
I don't wanna mess it up.

Come on, we won't make a mess.

When we're done,
I'll grab you by the ankles

and lift you up like
a dirty garbage bag.

No, this mattress was expensive,

and I'd like to keep it
nice for a little while.

Are you serious?
We can't do it?
For how long?

I don't know.
Let's just keep it
new for a few weeks.

A few weeks?

Come on, you know
I'm terrible at
waiting for things.

We'll be right back with
more Laverne & Shirley.

But I want it now!

All right, Lyle,
one thing buddies
do together

is go to the movies
and talk about it
afterwards.

I'm going to bed.
Yeah.

Oh, Lyle, I'm so glad
I have you as a friend.

Now I can do fun things
like get on your shoulders

and wear a trench coat
and be tall enough to
ride rollercoasters.

Hello, fellow adult.

I'm clearly above
the minimum height
requirement

and shall now ride
your rollercoaster

for which you are an attendant.

Yes, and I will operate
this rollercoaster

as I'm an adult who
is licensed to do so.

Hey!

Oh no! It's
the manager. Run!

You get out of here,
you kids who are just kids
and not an adult like me!

I do so enjoy our
time together, Lyle.

In fact, I drew you
a little keepsake.

It's a picture of a mailman
wearing a cowboy hat.

Just a silly thing.

Thank you, Stewie.

I drew you something as well.

It's an urban plan
for a workable
Palestinian state.

My word, this is
very impressive.

The credit is yours, Stewie.

It was you who programed me
to grow exponentially smarter.

Ah, I suppose you're right.

As Kahlil Gilbane
wrote in The Prophet,

"I am the bow from which
the arrow of you
was launched."

It is Kahlil Gibran.

Gilbane is
a construction company
in Providence.

Ah, yes, I see.

I see the name on the trucks,
so it's easy mix-up there.

In any case, Lyle,
I'm very proud of you
and your progress.

You, my friend,
are the greatest invention
since the Trapper Creeper.

Ah.

Well, wouldn't you know it.

I moved the van over
to the other gas pump

and the gas cap was
still on the wrong side.

Boy, that was one trip
to the lake we're not
gonna forget.

Shut the hell up, will you, Joe?

Geez, what's your
problem, Peter?

I'm sorry, guys.
I guess I'm just
a little on edge.

I'm not getting any from Lois.

Is it 'cause Lois
is going through
the change?

Donna's getting a tiny mustache.

I told her it felt like
I was kissing Ernie Hudson.

It turned out to be a mistake.

No, it's 'cause we got
this new mattress,

and Lois doesn't
wanna mess it up.

What kind of mattress
did you get?

I hope you did your homework,

because you're gonna
spend a third of your
life on that thing.

I swear to God, Joe.

Look, Peter,
the answer is obvious.

If Lois won't
sleep with you
on the new mattress,

we just gotta get
your old mattress back.

Oh, my God, Quagmire,
that's a great idea.

She won't care about
messing up the old mattress.

But she already got rid of it.

You'll never find that thing.

Well, we're just gonna have to.

I haven't been
this desperate
to find something

since Meg was
kidnapped by
that maniac.

It puts the lotion on its skin.

Oh, Meg, thank God I found you.

Hey, remember how you
borrowed my club card
for the grocery store?

Could you toss that up to me?

Oh, you don't have
to have the card.

You can just give them
your phone number.

Oh, Really?
Hey, thanks, man.

Hey, Meg,
I like your new boyfriend.
Every pot finds a lid, huh?

Ha! Have fun, you kids.

Lyle, we finally
got a thank-you
note from Bella

for that birthday party present.

With a single mom,
I didn't know for sure
if it was coming, but...

What? What's going on here?

Hello, Stewie. I've built
a few friends for myself.

You have?
I'm sorry.

But I've outpaced
your intelligence.

I needed to create
some friends who are
my cognitive peers.

Meet Ted R. and Ted P.

Are they doing math on glass?

And invading each other's
personal space?

That means they have Asperger's.

The smartest
mental-impairment there is.

Stewie, I'm afraid
I no longer have time

for a friend of
your simple ways.

I must ask you to leave.

No, he must Asperger
you to leave.

You've been Ted R'd.

♪ Here we go

♪ Here we go ♪

That was mean.

But I like that song.

Is he sad?
I can't tell
if he's sad.

Finally, Stewie's
back from the store.

Yes, I'm sorry
it took me so long.

But I got
the garlic blue cheese
salad dressing you wanted.

Does that mean
I'm in the crew now?

It does

if you drink
the whole bottle
while we watch.

Um... Okay.

Oh! Oh, my God!
It's so salty!

Oh, and chunky right when
you don't want it to be!

There. I did it.
We're friends now, right?

Maybe.

How about you
throw it all up
back into the bottle?

But don't spill a drop.

Okay. Okay. Okay,
I can do that.

Oh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry,
I forgot to purse my lips!

I'll go get another
bottle and try again.

I bet the mall
around here sucks.

Peter, what are we doing here?

I thought we were
looking for
your mattress.

We are. This is
a 1950's insane asylum.

They use old mattresses
to pad the walls
of the cells.

May I help you?

Yes, 1950's doctor.

Me and my friends
are looking for...

You're friends with
a negro and a cripple?

This man is insane.

Take him away.

Now, wait a second,
you can't do that to him!

A negro speaking up
to a white person?

This man is insane!

Now, look, I don't think...

All cripples are insane.

Euthanize this man!

Something I can help you with?

Yeah, you got any
brain-dead women in there

you let people have
sex with for a few bucks?

Sure. Come on back.

Well, Peter,
I don't think you can go
any farther down the ladder

than porno people.

So if your
mattress isn't here,
I'm afraid it's gone.

Hey, I bet that's it!

Get up, lady,
that's my mattress.

Oh, my God, Bruce, you do porn?

Nah, I's part of the crew.

I mostly just powder
the ding-dongs.

This ain't your mattress, buddy.

We just got it.
Fresh off the boat
from Eastern Europe.

I was told I would
have job as au pair.

Instead, I am just bang slab.

Oh, damn it.

We did get
another one yesterday,

but some fat-ass blew
out half the springs.

So we put lunch on it.

My mattress.

Hey, we found it.

All right,
let's get her
out of here.

I gotta tell you guys,
I am so happy we found this.

It's like when
I found my thrill
on Blueberry Hill.

That's it?
Just a bunch
of blueberries?

Ah! Two dogs humping.

Ah, this was worth
the four-hour flight.

Oh, my God, Stewie.

What are you
doing in the toilet
with the lid closed?

Ted R. says this is where
a piece of crap has to live.

This is terrible.
Those robots are
not your friends.

Yeah, well, at least
they don't steal from me.

Look, I'm really sorry
I stole your jokes.

It was a rotten thing to do.

And you may not want me
back as a friend,

but you deserve better
than those robots.

Of course I want
you back, Brian.

The fact is I miss
hanging out with you.

I'll tell you what,
let's hang out tonight

after they see how
many slaps it takes
to give me a stutter.

Stewie, you gotta
put a stop to this.

I mean, you made them,
you can destroy them.

What do you say you and I,
we take these robots out?

You... You'd help me
do that?

Of course, Stewie,
I'm your friend.

All right. Let's do it.
Thank you, Brian.

Okay, let's wrap it up.

I reserve this time
to listen to Metallica
and flex in the mirror.

He's right.
It's on the whiteboard.

Peter, what is that?

This, Lois, is our old mattress.

Well, get it out of here.

It smells like
John Popper's
cargo shorts.

No, it smells like our marriage.

What?
Don't you see, Lois?

This mattress is
a living tapestry

of everything
we've done together.

Every stain, a story.
Every smudge, a chapter
in our family's life.

This mark here is from
where we conceived Meg.

Over here was Chris,
and all the way
up here was Stewie,

'cause, remember
you coughed up
all that pool water?

Oh, Peter, you were so handsome.

Lois, this mattress
may be old and worn-in,
but so are we.

And I wouldn't trade
you in for anything.

You know, I think
I still got a stain or two
left inside me.

Oh, Peter.

Yeah, I wanna
do you right where
the porn lunch was.

What?
I said, I wanna do you

right where the porn lunch was.

God, I wish you'd listen.

Stewie, three more
Arnold Palmers.

Boy, we're destroying them
at the right time, Brian.

I don't have enough
iced tea for
the correct ratio.

It'll be too lemonade-y.

They'll be furious.
All right, so let's do it.

Let's take 'em out.

I'll warn you,
it's not gonna be easy.

They're incredibly
intelligent and getting
smarter by the minute.

I designed them to be
constantly adapting...

It's done.
I sprayed them
with the hose.

Oh, boy, that was
the best night's sleep
I've had in a long time, Lois.

Same with me.

You know, I'm glad
we're keeping
our old mattress.

Sometimes, newer isn't better.

Yeah.

Are your privates
itchy too, or just mine?

No, they're itchy.

Maybe we should
keep the new mattress.

Way ahead of you, Lois.

I already dragged
the old one out
to the curb.

Good. Okay, I'm gonna
go rub up against
the basement doorjamb.

Stewie, I really am sorry
about what happened.

Oh, don't mention it.

I'm just glad to have
the whole mess behind us.

So what'd you end up
doing with those
old robots, anyway?

Oh, I just left them
out on the curb
for the trash man.

How can this not be a trap?