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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:08,040
♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:11,710
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,778 --> 00:00:14,846
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:18,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:21,486
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,554 --> 00:00:23,121
♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,923
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:29,894
♪ He's a family guy ♪
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00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:41,239
And that is why chest hair
is on its way back.
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00:00:41,308 --> 00:00:42,719
Hey, guys.
I got something for you,
12
00:00:42,743 --> 00:00:45,244
an invitation for
each of you to Quagfest.
13
00:00:45,312 --> 00:00:47,246
Quagfest?
What's that?
14
00:00:47,314 --> 00:00:49,025
"You and a guest
are cordially invited
15
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:53,585
"to witness Glenn Quagmire's
1,000th sexual
conquest at Quagfest,
16
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:56,321
"a three-day festival
celebrating the three 'F's,
17
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,989
"food, fun, and..."
18
00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,424
Oh, my.
19
00:00:59,492 --> 00:01:01,604
Yeah, they almost
wouldn't print that
at Kinko's.
20
00:01:01,628 --> 00:01:03,395
Damn, 1,000 women?
21
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:06,598
Well, 1,000 sexual conquests.
22
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:07,699
No further questions.
23
00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:09,201
Sounds like fun, Glenn!
24
00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:10,910
Yeah, I'm closing
down the whole street.
25
00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:12,471
It's gonna be like a block party
26
00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:14,860
but with way more weirdos
grinding up
against your wives.
27
00:01:14,909 --> 00:01:16,408
That sounds awesome!
28
00:01:16,476 --> 00:01:18,321
There hasn't been
that kind of excitement
on our street
29
00:01:18,345 --> 00:01:20,745
since we had that big dumpster
in our front yard.
30
00:01:21,782 --> 00:01:23,282
Can someone take
out the garbage?
31
00:01:23,350 --> 00:01:25,417
I will!
32
00:01:28,555 --> 00:01:32,157
Yeah!
Yeah! Smash! Boom!
33
00:01:32,226 --> 00:01:33,325
Someone stop him.
34
00:01:33,394 --> 00:01:35,527
Last time,
he threw out a whole bedroom.
35
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:38,197
I'm still in here!
36
00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:39,731
Oh, big dumpster.
37
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,401
That reminds me,
Ice-T's wife is also
coming to Quagfest.
38
00:01:42,469 --> 00:01:43,735
And in local news,
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00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:46,038
Hollywood comes
to Quahog, almost,
40
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,707
as three hours from here
in Waterbury, Connecticut,
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00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:51,609
Liam Neeson has begun
shooting his latest film.
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00:01:51,678 --> 00:01:54,847
His new projectis reportedlyan historical epic,
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00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:58,650
in which Mr. Neeson starsas a vengeance-crazedAlbert Einstein.
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00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:01,220
Channel Five News
has this exclusive first look
45
00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:04,289
that I taped off my VCR from
Entertainment Tonight.
46
00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:06,758
All right,
I'll give you the formula.
47
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:09,961
My foot equals
your balls squared.
48
00:02:12,198 --> 00:02:14,599
Liam Neeson.
What a fraud.
49
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:16,535
Come on, Peter.
Not this again.
50
00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:19,337
What? He's a fake tough guy.
I could totally kick his ass.
51
00:02:19,406 --> 00:02:20,884
Knock it off.
We've had to hear
52
00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:22,718
this same speech
a million times.
53
00:02:22,742 --> 00:02:24,687
Yeah, every time you get
a couple of beers in you,
54
00:02:24,711 --> 00:02:27,345
we have to hear all
about how you can
beat up Liam Neeson.
55
00:02:27,414 --> 00:02:29,259
That's not true.
Yes, it is.
56
00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:32,217
What about that time
we snuck beers into the opera?
57
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,880
I could totally
beat up Liam Neeson.
58
00:03:12,559 --> 00:03:14,470
Hey, you know this old woman
who lived in a shoe,
59
00:03:14,494 --> 00:03:16,761
she had so many children,
she didn't know what to do?
60
00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:18,030
I got something she could do.
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00:03:18,098 --> 00:03:19,998
Get your tubes tied, you kook!
62
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,778
Hey, how you doing on
that chocolate milk?
You need a little freshen-up?
63
00:03:22,802 --> 00:03:25,002
There's my little sweetie.
64
00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:26,832
Are you ready to
go home, Stewie?
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00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,673
Lois, I'm glad you're here.
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00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,186
I noticed that
you're one of the moms
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00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,677
who hasn't yet signed up
to be a classroom volunteer.
68
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:35,058
Oh. I just assumed
after that incident
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00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:37,027
in the parking lot
with that bitch in the Lexus,
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00:03:37,051 --> 00:03:38,283
you wouldn't want me to.
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00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:41,219
But, yeah, I'd be happy
to help out in the class.
72
00:03:41,288 --> 00:03:43,788
What? I don't want you here.
This is my turf.
73
00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:46,001
I don't bother you
when you're sitting
on the washing machine,
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00:03:46,025 --> 00:03:47,993
screaming Aaron Eckhart's name.
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00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,962
Great! We'd love to have
you start tomorrow,
if you're free.
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00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:53,042
Sure, let me just
check my schedule.
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00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,243
Hmm.
78
00:03:54,267 --> 00:03:57,202
I guess I could just
get the mail at night.
79
00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:07,345
Wow. Quagfest is
a bigger deal than I thought.
80
00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:11,015
Oh, look, here's a simulation
of what it's like to have
sex with Quagmire.
81
00:04:15,321 --> 00:04:17,656
Hi.
82
00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:22,562
Bye!
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00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:30,480
All right, kids,
now pay attention, all right?
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00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:33,738
These are all of
Quagmire's women
organized by country.
85
00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:35,840
There's Brazil.
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00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:38,677
There's Italy.
87
00:04:38,745 --> 00:04:40,845
And there's Thailand. Wow.
88
00:04:40,914 --> 00:04:43,882
Wow. They're young.
We should go.
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00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,450
I'd like to thank you all
for coming to Quagfest.
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00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:49,254
Now, no celebration of my
1,000th would be complete
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00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:51,189
without first
meeting number one.
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00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:54,192
Here she is, all the way
from Weathersfield
Elementary School,
93
00:04:54,261 --> 00:04:55,261
Miss Eleanor!
94
00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:05,103
Do I still get
a piece of candy after?
95
00:05:08,876 --> 00:05:10,408
Nice lady.
96
00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:13,778
All right,
we've met number one.
Now let's meet number 1,000!
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00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:25,857
Ladies and gentlemen,
my 1,000th sexual conquest is
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00:05:25,925 --> 00:05:27,726
this largemouth bass!
99
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:31,028
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
100
00:05:31,097 --> 00:05:32,864
I'm weird.
101
00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:36,267
I thought I was here to watch
normal intercourse on
a residential street.
102
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,970
Children, we're leaving!
103
00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:47,879
This'll be so fun
volunteering in
your class, Stewie.
104
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:49,680
Eat my button, you whore.
105
00:05:49,749 --> 00:05:51,783
Lois, I'm so glad you're here.
106
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:53,196
I gotta run out
to the parking lot.
107
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:55,420
I'm buying cigarettes
from some guy on Craigslist.
108
00:05:55,488 --> 00:05:57,655
Go ahead.
I'll handle the kids.
109
00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:02,093
Oh, Landon, what's the matter?
110
00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:04,929
Did you spill juice on
yourself, sweetheart?
111
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:07,565
"Sweetheart"?
Slow your roll there,
Cougar Town.
112
00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:09,245
Well, let's get you cleaned up.
113
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:10,368
And you know what?
114
00:06:10,437 --> 00:06:12,737
For today, you can be
my little helper.
115
00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:14,138
What the hell?
116
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:15,951
If anyone
should be her helper,
it should be me.
117
00:06:15,975 --> 00:06:18,176
She's my mother.
We're supposed to be a team.
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00:06:18,244 --> 00:06:20,412
Like the Lone Ranger and Tonto.
119
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,981
Well, Tonto, the bad
guys are going to jail.
120
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,016
Looks like this
little town is safe again.
121
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:26,584
Yes, Kemosabe.
122
00:06:26,653 --> 00:06:29,754
So, what do you say?
Want to grab a drink,
maybe dinner?
123
00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:33,158
Sorry. Me no like to
hang with work people.
124
00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:41,077
Well, I gotta hand
it to you, Quagmire.
125
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:43,068
That Quagfest was some party.
126
00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:45,971
Yeah, except I got molested
in the House of Mirrors
127
00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:49,074
by either one man
or 100 identical men.
128
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:51,120
Could've used
a heads-up on that one.
129
00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:53,111
Yeah, I'll tell you
who might want a heads-up.
130
00:06:53,179 --> 00:06:54,345
Liam Neeson.
131
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:55,747
For God's sake!
132
00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:58,016
'Cause someday,
I'm gonna kick his ass.
133
00:06:58,085 --> 00:06:59,395
Damn it,
Peter, I'm sick of this!
134
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,964
I've had it!
Me, too.
135
00:07:00,988 --> 00:07:02,731
I mean, we just had
a great day of fun
136
00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:04,267
and rides and finger-sniffing,
137
00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:06,769
and all you can talk about
is fighting some guy
you've never even met!
138
00:07:06,793 --> 00:07:08,693
Yeah, he's lucky
we've never met.
139
00:07:08,761 --> 00:07:10,495
I'd knock his
teeth down his throat
140
00:07:10,563 --> 00:07:12,663
and out his stupid
Irish fudge knot.
141
00:07:12,732 --> 00:07:14,477
You know what?
You're full of it.
142
00:07:14,501 --> 00:07:17,146
If you were ever face-to-face
with Liam Neeson,
you'd crap your pants.
143
00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:18,236
No, I wouldn't.
144
00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:19,604
Well, fine. Let's prove it.
145
00:07:19,672 --> 00:07:21,439
Put up or shut up. Right now.
146
00:07:21,508 --> 00:07:23,375
What? What are you
talking about?
147
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,243
Well, we know where
Liam Neeson is.
148
00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:28,113
That's right!
He's shooting
a movie in Connecticut!
149
00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:30,126
We could be
there in three hours.
150
00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:34,119
All right, great.
Liam Neeson has
three more hours to live.
151
00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:35,219
Let's do this.
152
00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:36,366
All right!
Yeah!
153
00:07:36,390 --> 00:07:38,490
I've never been to Connecticut!
154
00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:40,625
Hang on, fellas.
155
00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:43,094
I actually have
been to Connecticut
one time.
156
00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:45,497
To meet Loretta
at a McDonald's parking lot
157
00:07:45,565 --> 00:07:47,832
to pick up my son, Cleveland Jr.
158
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:50,902
I cried in my sedan,
in front of my boy.
159
00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:51,970
It was sad.
160
00:07:52,038 --> 00:07:54,138
That's why I fibbed on it.
161
00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:55,918
I'm sorry. Can we do
a happy yell again
162
00:07:55,942 --> 00:07:57,542
to get the taste
out of my mouth?
163
00:07:57,577 --> 00:07:58,688
All right!
Yeah!
164
00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:00,277
I've been to Connecticut!
165
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,565
All right, Peter,
Liam Neeson must be
166
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:10,166
on the other side
of that barrier.
167
00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:12,869
We just gotta get
you on that set,
so you can kick his ass.
168
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:17,095
We're so close.
I can almost taste his ass.
169
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:20,076
Can I help you?
Hello, sir. We're
here to see Liam Neeson,
170
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:22,845
the guy who wears
the same long jacket
in all his movies.
171
00:08:22,869 --> 00:08:24,603
Sorry, this is a closed set.
172
00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:27,372
Peter, you're never gonna get
close enough to Liam Neeson
173
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:28,839
to throw a punch at the guy.
174
00:08:28,908 --> 00:08:31,521
That's why I gotta
lure him out here
to come to me.
175
00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:33,578
Remember, Liam Neeson's Irish.
176
00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:37,515
That's why I'm dressing up
as the one woman no
Irishman can resist.
177
00:08:37,584 --> 00:08:39,818
Mrs. Potato Head.
178
00:08:39,886 --> 00:08:42,187
Ooh!
Mrs. Potato Head here!
179
00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:45,690
Any Irish actors around
who might be interested in me?
180
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:47,325
You're damn right, darlin'.
181
00:08:47,393 --> 00:08:49,628
Colin Farrell?
What are you doing here?
182
00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,096
Shoo! Shoo! Get away!
183
00:08:51,164 --> 00:08:53,524
You're a feisty potato.
184
00:08:56,737 --> 00:09:01,106
The back is
all mashed potatoes now.
185
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:04,309
Okay, this is the one thing
Liam Neeson can't resist.
186
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:06,244
A black jeans sale!
187
00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:08,446
Black jeans here!
Get your black jeans.
188
00:09:08,515 --> 00:09:10,248
Good for nowhere! Black jeans!
189
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:12,417
Neither work nor play!
Black jeans!
190
00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:14,197
Wear 'em once, get made fun of.
191
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,388
Come home from school crying,
"Black jeans."
192
00:09:16,456 --> 00:09:18,902
Yell at your mom,
get no dinner.
Black jeans!
193
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:21,737
Don't be the only
one at the Rush concert
without your black jeans.
194
00:09:21,761 --> 00:09:23,261
Always out of season!
195
00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:26,898
Be the dressiest guy
at a coal miner's funeral.
Black jeans!
196
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:29,767
Okay, guys, there's no better
way to draw out an Irishman
197
00:09:29,836 --> 00:09:31,836
than setting up
a confession booth.
198
00:09:37,777 --> 00:09:39,521
Forgive me,
Father, for I have sinned.
199
00:09:39,545 --> 00:09:41,980
It has been one day
since my last confession.
200
00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:43,414
Go on, my son.
201
00:09:43,483 --> 00:09:45,216
I killed 200 wolves.
202
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:47,229
After the movie,
I got the taste for it.
203
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:48,453
Did you kill them quickly?
204
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:50,621
No. Wolves must be tortured.
205
00:09:50,690 --> 00:09:53,191
The best way to kill wolves
is to kill their leader,
206
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:56,995
wear his skin,
kiss some of the wolves,
then kill them.
207
00:09:57,063 --> 00:09:59,563
I also steal small
items from 7-Eleven.
208
00:09:59,632 --> 00:10:01,777
SweeTARTS,
Jolly Ranchers,
and the like.
209
00:10:01,801 --> 00:10:03,368
Sometimes a lighter.
210
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:04,735
I don't even smoke.
211
00:10:04,804 --> 00:10:07,238
Sometimes I roll up
those tattoo magazines,
212
00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:08,939
stuff 'em up my sleeve.
213
00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:11,409
If I get caught,
I just tell the man I forgot.
214
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:14,245
Then, of course,
it's back to murdering wolves.
215
00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:15,579
All right.
216
00:10:15,648 --> 00:10:18,216
That'll be three Hail Marys.
217
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:19,850
Tough but fair.
218
00:10:19,919 --> 00:10:21,685
Thank you, Father.
219
00:10:23,022 --> 00:10:24,422
Hey, not so fast!
220
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:26,836
Excuse me, sir.
We were sent here
by the production.
221
00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:28,671
Are you the guy
who's been looking
for Liam Neeson?
222
00:10:28,695 --> 00:10:31,106
I am.
Do you mind if
we ask what for?
223
00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:33,431
Yeah, I was hoping
to inflict violence upon him.
224
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:35,800
All right,
you're coming with us.
225
00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:37,168
Don't worry, Peter!
226
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:40,197
We'll raise
your bail money
as soon as we can!
227
00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:43,908
Excuse me, sir.
My phone's not working.
228
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:47,457
Do you mind if I
follow you home
and use yours?
229
00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:53,885
All right, kids,
Miss Tammy's in her car
230
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:55,765
yelling at her boyfriend
on the phone again,
231
00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:58,289
so it looks like
I'm doing lunch.
232
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:04,329
Oh, Sanjay,
another pungent lunch.
233
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:08,366
Let's put in on the sill
and let it
off-gas for a while.
234
00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:10,868
Okay, Landon,
time to sabotage you
235
00:11:10,937 --> 00:11:13,571
with the most dangerous thing
in the world for a toddler,
236
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:16,107
a whole, uncut grape.
237
00:11:17,910 --> 00:11:20,310
God, look how fat
kids are getting.
238
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,848
Landon, no!
You could choke on that!
239
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:26,484
Did your mommy forget
to slice your grapes for you?
240
00:11:26,552 --> 00:11:28,486
Here, let me help.
241
00:11:28,554 --> 00:11:30,688
There's nothing
to cut these with.
242
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,227
That's it, Landon!
243
00:11:36,295 --> 00:11:39,831
If you're gonna
seduce my mother,
then I shall seduce yours.
244
00:11:39,899 --> 00:11:43,334
I'll be as irresistible to her
as wood is to a woodchuck.
245
00:11:43,402 --> 00:11:46,104
Mom, Dad, I've done
a lot of thinking,
246
00:11:46,172 --> 00:11:49,240
and I've decided
I don't want to go
into the family business.
247
00:11:49,308 --> 00:11:50,842
I want to be a doctor.
248
00:11:50,910 --> 00:11:53,310
Hmm. Let's try that
on for size.
249
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:56,647
How much disease
could a woodchuck doctor cure
250
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,917
if a woodchuck
doctor could cure disease?
251
00:11:59,986 --> 00:12:01,496
Is that sounding right to you?
252
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:02,954
No.
253
00:12:03,022 --> 00:12:04,867
Hey, Jimmy?
Yeah, Dad?
254
00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,791
Next time, if you have an idea,
255
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:10,194
run it through the test
before you embarrass yourself.
256
00:12:17,036 --> 00:12:20,204
Wake up, Griffin.
Your bail's been posted.
257
00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:22,040
What time is it?
258
00:12:24,678 --> 00:12:26,577
I did.
259
00:12:26,646 --> 00:12:29,614
Oh. Sorry.
I thought you were gonna
ask something else.
260
00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:32,450
Liam Neeson?
You posted my bail?
261
00:12:32,518 --> 00:12:34,118
That's right.
262
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:37,154
I hear you've been all over
town saying you could
kick my arse.
263
00:12:37,223 --> 00:12:39,657
Well, there's no
time like the present.
264
00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:47,565
Go ahead, take your best shot.
265
00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:50,100
No, no, no, Mr. Neeson,
you heard wrong.
266
00:12:50,169 --> 00:12:52,515
There's nobody
who respects you
more than I do.
267
00:12:52,539 --> 00:12:55,384
May I offer you
the most sincere,
honest apology? I...
268
00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:57,942
Ya-ha! Ow! Ah!
269
00:12:58,010 --> 00:13:01,050
Damn it!
My hands are stinging
from the vibrations!
270
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,379
My turn.
271
00:13:03,717 --> 00:13:05,549
Will Liam Neeson punch Peter?
272
00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:08,686
Will Stewie stopbeing jealous of his momor something?
273
00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:11,333
Stay tuned forthe thrilling conclusionof this story,
274
00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:14,325
and the just-regular
conclusion of the other story.
275
00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:21,699
Oh, please don't hurt me!
276
00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:24,580
I was just
trying to seem tough
in front of my friends!
277
00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:26,170
Well, you're in
trouble now, lad.
278
00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:29,340
I've been a world-famous
tough guy since I was 55.
279
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,053
Please, please,
I'll do anything!
280
00:13:31,077 --> 00:13:32,655
Anything you want,
just don't kill me!
281
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:34,546
What could you
possibly do for me?
282
00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:37,415
I'll shine your shoes,
or scrub your toilets!
283
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:38,983
Or coil your penis!
284
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:41,564
The Internet tells
me that's something
you might have a need for.
285
00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:42,820
Hmm.
286
00:13:42,889 --> 00:13:45,255
Well, that could save me
some time in the morning.
287
00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:47,592
Well, whatever it takes for
you to not beat me up.
288
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,461
All right, it's a deal.
You can help me
with some chores.
289
00:13:50,529 --> 00:13:52,463
But one slip-up,
290
00:13:52,531 --> 00:13:54,131
and you'll be
deader than the first man
291
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,433
to die in
the Battle of the Boyne.
292
00:14:07,113 --> 00:14:10,581
Normally when we do those,
there's, like, a joke.
293
00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:12,650
I'm not your clown.
294
00:14:20,226 --> 00:14:21,859
All right, Landon,
295
00:14:21,928 --> 00:14:24,707
let's see how you like it
when someone moves
in on your territory.
296
00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:30,068
Let's just say your
mom's about to see
a diaper rash-y scrotum.
297
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:33,605
Wow! I didn't know
Landon had a younger sister.
298
00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:36,307
Oh, hi. Aren't you a cutie.
299
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:38,276
Oh,
my God, this is gonna happen.
300
00:14:38,345 --> 00:14:40,745
Okay, go run along
with your teacher.
301
00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:42,080
Time for me to go.
302
00:14:42,148 --> 00:14:43,581
Wait, wait, don't leave!
303
00:14:43,649 --> 00:14:45,116
Ow! My knee!
304
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,320
Oh, sweetie,
did you get a boo-boo?
305
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,756
Here, let me kiss it
and make it better.
306
00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:52,991
Mwah!
307
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:55,460
Okay, that's more like it.
308
00:14:57,297 --> 00:15:01,633
I certainly hope no one sees
Landon's mom bobbing for Stew.
309
00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:05,936
Yeah, get in there.
310
00:15:06,005 --> 00:15:08,306
Damn it, she's not watching.
You keep going, though.
311
00:15:08,374 --> 00:15:11,734
Don't forget about
the underneath
part of my knee.
312
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:17,582
Okay, Peter, I've got
a list of chores here.
313
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:20,718
Um, first, I've been summoned
to be a potential juror,
314
00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:22,086
but I don't want to go,
315
00:15:22,154 --> 00:15:24,421
so I need you to
report in my name.
316
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:27,825
Prospective juror number 17,
the defendant is a Kraken.
317
00:15:27,893 --> 00:15:30,428
Would you have any problem
convicting a Kraken?
318
00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:32,229
I would try to be fair,
319
00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:34,999
but I am on record, you know,
very famously,
320
00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:36,800
as having released a Kraken.
321
00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:39,703
Your Honor, we'd like to thank
and excuse juror number 17.
322
00:15:41,207 --> 00:15:42,539
Hey, man, thanks.
323
00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:43,907
Yeah, good luck, man.
324
00:15:46,245 --> 00:15:48,879
Okay, I have another
important job for you.
325
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:52,950
I want you to take
over my Twitter feed
and tweet back to my fans.
326
00:16:01,227 --> 00:16:02,593
See? Like that.
327
00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:05,329
You get the gist of what
my Twitter is about.
328
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,834
Peter, I was at
an outdoor mall today,
329
00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:13,504
and there was a kiosk
selling little
remote control cars.
330
00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:16,106
One of them
drove right up to me.
331
00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:18,275
It was very funny and enjoyable,
332
00:16:18,344 --> 00:16:21,078
so what I need you to do
is to go to a local gym
333
00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:23,414
and ask men to
pee in your hands.
334
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,783
I... I don't see
the connection there.
335
00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:27,819
Do I need to repeat myself?
336
00:16:27,887 --> 00:16:29,687
The car came right up to me.
337
00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:33,791
It did spins and
had flashing lights.
338
00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:35,259
I enjoyed it.
339
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,362
Go to the gym,
kneel down in the shower,
340
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:40,397
and ask strange men to pee
in your cupped hands.
341
00:16:43,570 --> 00:16:45,890
Hey, man, did Liam
Neeson send you?
342
00:16:47,373 --> 00:16:50,308
Yeah, he loves them little cars.
343
00:16:56,215 --> 00:16:58,327
All right,
guys, how are we doing
on Peter's bail money?
344
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,551
I got my whole
family praying on it.
345
00:17:00,619 --> 00:17:02,586
Well, that's very helpful.
How about you, Joe?
346
00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:05,722
Bonnie won't let me spend
any more money on Peter
347
00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:07,802
because he's not
very nice to me.
348
00:17:07,826 --> 00:17:09,226
Hey, guys.
349
00:17:09,295 --> 00:17:11,407
What the hell?
You're out of jail!
How'd you get out?
350
00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:13,964
With my smooth talk... My...
351
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:17,601
I used... I... My...
Word... My... I words...
I used words.
352
00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:19,269
Well, glad you're back.
353
00:17:19,338 --> 00:17:22,807
So, you ready to admit
you're never gonna kick
Liam Neeson's ass?
354
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:25,943
It just so happens,
Joe, that I already did.
355
00:17:26,012 --> 00:17:27,578
You what?
356
00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:30,325
If you beat up Liam Neeson,
how come it
wasn't in the papers?
357
00:17:30,349 --> 00:17:33,284
You know, he's a big star.
He had the whole
thing covered up.
358
00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:36,065
Everybody knows
Irish Catholics
control the media.
359
00:17:41,427 --> 00:17:42,504
Oh! Oh... Oh...
360
00:17:42,528 --> 00:17:43,827
Chris was shot at school.
361
00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:46,163
If it's not one thing,
it's another.
362
00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:52,314
You know what?
I've thought about it.
363
00:17:52,338 --> 00:17:53,571
Do what you want with Landon.
364
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,539
Just don't do it in
front of me, all right?
365
00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:58,476
Hi, Landon.
How are you today, cutie?
366
00:17:59,646 --> 00:18:01,178
What did I just tell you?
367
00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:04,148
I hate this! I hate you!
I hate everything!
368
00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:08,686
Oh, Stewie, you're upset.
369
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:10,955
Are... Are you jealous?
370
00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:13,558
Yes! You've destroyed us!
371
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:15,359
Were you at least safe?
372
00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:17,561
Oh, don't worry, sweetie.
373
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:20,197
You'll always be my
favorite little boy.
374
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:21,465
I will?
375
00:18:27,139 --> 00:18:29,873
And besides,
my week as a helper
mommy is done now,
376
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:33,844
so when you come
home today, you'll have
me all to yourself.
377
00:18:33,913 --> 00:18:35,846
Oh. Okay.
378
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:39,217
Hey, you hear that, Landon?
379
00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:42,119
That's how you keep
your bitch in line.
380
00:18:45,592 --> 00:18:48,537
So, you know,
Jar Jar wasn't
there the whole time.
381
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:49,827
It was just a green screen.
382
00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:51,896
Yes, I heard you
say that earlier.
383
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,405
Peter?
384
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,899
Quagmire? Cleveland?
385
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,667
And me. I'm here, too.
386
00:18:57,737 --> 00:18:59,269
What are you doing here?
387
00:18:59,338 --> 00:19:01,305
Well, you were acting weird,
so we followed you.
388
00:19:01,373 --> 00:19:02,651
We want to know what's going on.
389
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,386
Well, how'd you
guys get on the set?
390
00:19:04,410 --> 00:19:07,044
I bit the security
guard in the nards.
391
00:19:07,113 --> 00:19:09,680
I don't like to do it a lot,
but you're my friend, Peter.
392
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:11,015
Who are these two idiots?
393
00:19:11,084 --> 00:19:13,250
Three.
Three idiots. Big fan.
394
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:16,153
And what's up with
Liam Neeson? You said
you kicked his ass.
395
00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:20,124
Look, you guys,
I lied about that.
396
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:21,892
What?
397
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:25,796
I acted like such a big man,
and I didn't want to
admit I was a coward.
398
00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:28,232
I was too scared to
fight Liam Neeson.
399
00:19:28,301 --> 00:19:30,768
That's why he's my big,
fat houseboy now.
400
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:33,538
Now, Peter, I'm out of
crackers, and I'm gluten-free,
401
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:35,005
so what I need you to do
402
00:19:35,074 --> 00:19:37,419
is go to a local gym
and ask men to
pee in your hands.
403
00:19:37,443 --> 00:19:39,510
What the hell?
404
00:19:39,578 --> 00:19:41,723
Come on, what are you
waiting for, Griffin?
405
00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:45,082
No, Liam, I'm not doing
your stupid chores anymore.
406
00:19:45,151 --> 00:19:46,862
And there's something
else I gotta tell you.
407
00:19:46,886 --> 00:19:50,354
Your story thread
in Love Actually
is the second worst.
408
00:19:50,422 --> 00:19:51,923
You better take that back.
409
00:19:51,991 --> 00:19:55,693
No way your son
would learn the drums
in that amount of time.
410
00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:57,261
Oh, that tears it!
411
00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:06,771
Ah!
412
00:20:32,431 --> 00:20:33,431
Oh!
413
00:20:37,103 --> 00:20:39,870
Hey,
Peter, you're up there now?
Who's winning?
414
00:20:51,884 --> 00:20:53,561
Ah!
415
00:21:03,496 --> 00:21:07,664
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm off to get a free,
movie-set haircut.
416
00:21:09,202 --> 00:21:10,500
Damn it!
417
00:21:10,569 --> 00:21:13,904
I was stupid to think
I could beat up Liam Neeson.
418
00:21:13,973 --> 00:21:15,750
You guys must
think I'm pathetic.
419
00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:18,353
Are you kidding?
You took on
the star of Kinsey!
420
00:21:18,377 --> 00:21:19,844
Yeah, and more importantly,
421
00:21:19,912 --> 00:21:22,579
you followed through
on your drunken ravings.
422
00:21:22,648 --> 00:21:26,917
Wow. I guess you're right.
Thanks, guys.
423
00:21:26,986 --> 00:21:28,730
You know, I guess
the lesson here
424
00:21:28,754 --> 00:21:30,432
is Oskar Schindler wasn't real.
425
00:21:30,456 --> 00:21:32,434
And neither was
anything in that movie.
426
00:21:32,458 --> 00:21:34,958
I... I don't think
that's the lesson.
32995
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